- 6 days ago
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00:03It took a mere 43 mini-brakes to consolidate my belief that travel is a monstrosity.
00:09Bingo.
00:10But let me resubmit for your consideration the hard evidence.
00:14Sounds like a threat.
00:16For what does TV do better than repeat itself?
00:19So let me, the fatally tarnished Richard Ayoade, set this to a low simmer.
00:23This is a terrible idea!
00:26Woo!
00:28In a series of eerily familiar montages, I'm going to savagely shoulder you through a phalanx of packed peregrinations.
00:35The better times.
00:37A cluster of clippage among the most meaningful in the history of Light Ent, cobbled beneath the worryingly broad title
00:43Out and About.
00:45It's lovely to be at work with nature!
00:48Joining me on this raid through RAM are a group of people who all regret spending time with me.
00:54Like this one.
00:55That one.
00:56And also that one.
00:58Yes.
00:58Yes!
00:59Woo!
01:00Together we say the same thing twice.
01:02I'm running a light. I'm running a light.
01:04Things that should not be said.
01:07Get a really weird buzz in your testicles.
01:09Sure.
01:09And I don't know what to say.
01:11Woo!
01:11My coil just came out.
01:15We went, but should we have gone?
01:18Bloody well, I've said.
01:19Please.
01:20A pre-watershed.
01:26Let's light this firework in Vienna, retire to a safe distance and watch it rise far away from the face
01:32of Chris O'Down.
01:34There's a lot of culture here.
01:35Should we just walk around the city at pace?
01:38Yes.
01:39I've got an idea that might even be better than that.
01:42The only possible way to securely scoop all of Vienna's architecture into our thirsty eyes was in miniature cars.
01:49A little like these miniature cars.
01:51These are your hot rods.
01:53These are my hot rods.
01:54Chris, that's your hot rod.
01:59Oh!
02:00Austria's worryingly relaxed vehicle laws mean these ludicrous stink mobiles can be driven on actual roads amongst full-sized vehicles.
02:08Hey!
02:10It's the guy from the IT crowd.
02:12What?
02:13I presume what you're saying is facetious.
02:16Hot rods.
02:16Summer in the city.
02:18All of this area that we're driving through right now is the first district, okay?
02:21I can only take a man in a tiny car so seriously.
02:26Our guide, Florian, will take us hurtling round one of Vienna's most exciting ring roads, past the Opera House, the
02:33City Hall and the Berg Theatre.
02:35This is St. Stephen's Cathedral, guys.
02:37Lovely church.
02:39I think it was good to give that the seven seconds that that architecture deserved.
02:44You have very small, tiny, little, neat shops.
02:46Nice.
02:47Do you have Dixons here?
02:49No.
02:50Oh, no.
02:51They don't have a Dixons, Chris.
02:53A lot of antiques that they would have stolen during the war.
02:58And if you're going to sightsee at speed, you must renounce all fear of collision.
03:03Watch out for the truck.
03:05I'm running a light.
03:05I'm running a light.
03:08We're really rattling through this.
03:10We might be able to go back a day early.
03:14Our knowledge of Vienna has expanded profoundly, but as with many things that exist in time, the tour must end.
03:22Oh, wow.
03:23Can I be frank?
03:24I'd love you to be frank.
03:25I was impressed.
03:26I thought that the buildings are very old.
03:29That is an excellent observation.
03:31Very nice.
03:32Very clean.
03:33It's like a massive Guilford.
03:36Is there any higher praise than that?
03:38I really enjoyed that.
03:39Good.
03:39I'll not do it again.
03:41As with many things you enjoy.
03:42Should we dismount?
03:43Yeah.
03:44With elegance.
03:46By the time we exited the frame, it was night.
03:49Now Athens for an Apollonian amble with the Dionysian Dawn French.
03:55Well done.
03:59After a shot of a cat, a courtyard and some jerky pedestrians, we trot towards Europe's leading tourist destination at
04:08time of recording.
04:09Are you slippy?
04:10I'm too slippy.
04:11Are you slippy?
04:12That's horrible for you.
04:13If they had any humanity, the tarmac was.
04:16Or gravel it.
04:17The Acropolis comes from the melange of Akron, meaning High Point, and Polis meaning city.
04:24I can see a lot from here.
04:25The whole place is lousy with ruins.
04:27It's just full of them.
04:32In the 5th CBC, Pericles future-proofed Greek civilisation by building a series of tourist attractions.
04:40Again, we're looking at unfinished work.
04:43We arrive at the proper layer, which had a strict door policy.
04:47Now Dawn, have you recently given birth?
04:50Not recently, no.
04:52Okay, I have.
04:53Have you?
04:53Yeah.
04:54So are you not allowed to enter them?
04:55Strictly speaking, no.
04:57Well, I'm going in.
05:00Wow.
05:03This is a bit amazing.
05:05It'll be done any time soon.
05:07At least put in a funicular.
05:11The well-famous Parthenon was built as a Doric temple to honour the goddess Athena, patron of Athens.
05:19Let's sit on this.
05:21Oh, bun to marble.
05:23I like it.
05:23Yes.
05:24General reactions, et cetera.
05:26Well, I would say this is what we came to Athens for, in my opinion.
05:30This.
05:31It's frisky.
05:32It's breezy.
05:32It's blousy.
05:33It is blousy.
05:34Yeah.
05:34This spacious fitzer-upper originally featured a 160-metre-long marble frieze.
05:45Elgin.
05:46Yeah.
05:47Seventh Earl of Elgin.
05:48I know.
05:49I know.
05:49I know what you're going to say.
05:50Between 1801 and 1812.
05:51I know what you're going to say.
05:51You know what I'm going to say.
05:53Took the friezes.
05:54Tea leaf.
05:55How dare you?
05:55He had an official decree from the Ottoman Empire.
05:58They must have been looking the other way when they signed up.
06:01Long in Britain.
06:01No, they don't.
06:02They must.
06:03They'll get them out of my cold-dead hands.
06:06That'd be like a hotel asking for the soaps back.
06:08A magnificent spinning graphic of a globe takes us to Dubai with Johnny Vegas.
06:13That's the cluster of islands meant to look like the world out there.
06:17This beats the city bus tour, doesn't it?
06:20To scope the sights from the world's tallest tower,
06:24holder of eight of Dubai's 149 world records.
06:32What floor are we going to?
06:34124.
06:35Eight bells, though.
06:36Bell's attention, doesn't it?
06:38The composer is to be congratulated.
06:41Standing upon the world's highest observation deck
06:44is the unrealised dream of every vertigo sufferer.
06:47Something in my brain is telling me that a crust of wind
06:50is going to take me through that gap.
06:51I'm worried my glasses will fall off my nose.
06:53No, don't.
06:54Please, please, please.
06:56I think mainly it's for this, so you can have a casual look.
07:00No.
07:01No, I'm picking it at this.
07:03I get a really weird buzz in my testicles.
07:06Sure.
07:06Not in any sexual.
07:08No.
07:08Your body language was not telling me that that was a good thing.
07:13Let me hit you with some stats here, Johnny.
07:15Right.
07:15Highest residential apartments,
07:17most floors in any building in the world,
07:19tallest freestanding structure in the world,
07:21world record for vertical concrete pumping.
07:24That's a great one to get.
07:25Look at that.
07:266.05 metres.
07:27World's second highest swimming pool.
07:29That must sting.
07:30That's got to hurt.
07:32And my favourite, the world's highest toilet,
07:34which I plan on using.
07:36Yeah, I don't really need to read how high up here.
07:40There's a good way to go.
07:42What, would we like two thirds up or something?
07:44Yeah.
07:45Oh, oh, oh, oh, just, oh, who cleans the windows?
07:50It's so high, I've gone out the other side of my work to go.
07:54How can you be so casual at this?
07:56Because it's so high, it's become silly.
07:58That's why.
07:59I'm going to take you out of here, Johnny.
08:01It's all right.
08:02It's all right.
08:02Just look at it from over there.
08:04I'm going to use the world's highest toilet separately.
08:06Right, OK.
08:08Amsterdam, where the artist formerly known as Hugo Boss...
08:11How much do you have to pay for a lady to just have a chat pre-watershed?
08:16And I stepped into another lift, much like this.
08:21It's the lift.
08:24All right.
08:25Why is there a warning for epilepsy in this lift?
08:28What is this?
08:29Who wants to be a millionaire?
08:31Whoa!
08:32Oh, what is this?
08:36It's a gay club.
08:37This is like Tron.
08:39This is hell.
08:45What's wrong with just an edge here and instrumental?
08:49This tourist-strewn terrace is the location of Over the Edge,
08:53a hydraulic swing that still haunts my dreams.
08:58Oh, I don't like it.
09:00No.
09:01I mean...
09:02Ooh.
09:03All right.
09:04All strapped in.
09:05Oh, yeah.
09:07This is Europe's highest swing.
09:08It's a niche accolade, isn't it?
09:10Do you know where Europe's lowest swing is?
09:12In my backyard.
09:14That sounded like a chat-up line.
09:16Mm.
09:17Oh, no.
09:18Oh, gravy.
09:21Oh, less of that.
09:22Tell my mother I love her.
09:24Tell her I also love her.
09:26Whoa!
09:28There's no...
09:29What's...
09:30No.
09:30Hey, why?
09:32No.
09:32This is horrific.
09:34This is what a robot would do to torture you before he ate you.
09:38Oh.
09:38Isn't a swing meant to be really relaxing?
09:40Because I just feel like we're going to die.
09:42No.
09:42Let's wind it up.
09:43Wind it up.
09:44Wrap it up.
09:44Here we go.
09:45That, that, here we go.
09:46Really panicked now.
09:47Really.
09:48That'll do.
09:49Happy for this to end.
09:50I mean, we should have said that we are both frightened of heights.
09:54Well, you've conquered your fears now.
09:56No.
09:57If anything, it's added to it.
10:01Let's hose off those memories by hauling ass to Helsinki,
10:04where I was joined by Paul Rudd,
10:06just as he was learning to talk for the first time.
10:15And how else could one see this sea-slap city than on its sea?
10:20Nicknamed the Daughter of the Baltic,
10:22Helsinki is an archipelago with 100 km of shoreline.
10:27Mercifully, there are kayak tours willing to accommodate inexperienced aquaphobes.
10:31A two-hour watery wallow will see us gamely glide past some of Helsinki's many islands
10:36and shoreside attractions.
10:38You never really see too many kayak chases in films, do you?
10:42Not enough.
10:43After a quick lesson unworthy of permanent record,
10:46our guide, Ilka...
10:47All right, you're doing well.
10:49Thanks.
10:49...has turned us into a new kind of kayak-man hybrid.
10:53You know, you've really got a handle on that Tsunami 145.
10:56I really liked the 142 for a long time,
10:59but I've got to say the 145...
11:01It's three better.
11:02It's a pretty good kayak.
11:03Yeah.
11:03I say we take out those paddleboarders.
11:06I've got beef with these people from way back.
11:08Go right in between them, Richard.
11:09Show them his boss.
11:10Okay.
11:11They're coming right at us.
11:13Someone's got to get out of the way, and it's not going to meet me.
11:16We paddle majestically past the opera house,
11:19the Orthodox cathedral, and a floating restaurant.
11:28I heard that Finnish has three dative cases.
11:32Yeah.
11:33That's the word on the street.
11:34Finnish has what?
11:36Three dative cases.
11:37You heard it on the kayak.
11:38After that probably false conversation stopper,
11:41we continue our nautical adventure.
11:44It's a bit choppy under this bridge.
11:46This is a very nice way to see the city.
11:48Yeah, yeah.
11:49How many islands are there?
11:51Like tens of thousands all along the whole coast of Finland.
11:55This one over there, that's the Sioux Island.
11:58So I'll give you these binoculars so you can see if you see any tigers or other interesting animals.
12:03I love to spy on animals from a kayak.
12:05Look at all those mugs in there, paying for tickets.
12:09We can beat the crowds.
12:11Yes.
12:11These puppies.
12:13What's in that one big cage?
12:15Is that Thunderdome?
12:17I think I see Tina Turner.
12:23Inevitably, our time on the high seas must come to an end,
12:26and we sail for the welcome shores of Tervasari Island.
12:31Wow.
12:32That's good.
12:33If it was a tiny bit less busy out there, it would have been perfect.
12:37Those paddleboarders were very smug.
12:39They're the Darth Vaders of the Baltic Sea.
12:42Always in couples.
12:43Yeah.
12:44Get a life.
12:45Yeah.
12:46Yeah.
12:46Buddy system.
12:47Unbelievable.
12:48Paddleboarding.
12:48Sons of ****.
12:50And in part two, there'll be a whole new and second part of this piffle,
12:55in which I and an associated assortment under-react...
12:59Go, go, go, go, go!
13:00This is a terrible idea!
13:06Over-analyse...
13:07Who's the tortoise and who's the hare?
13:10...and under-appreciate...
13:11Oh, look, not too bad!
13:12Here we go, back.
13:22Welcome back to this ill-considered quilt of sightseeing.
13:27Hey!
13:28It's the guy from the O.T. crowd!
13:30We will continue with the obvious connecting tissue of mildly hazardous urban-based adventure.
13:35At this stage, I'm starting to really not like it.
13:38Like in this Christmas trip to Florence, with Hollywood's Rebel Wilson.
13:42Look, they've rolled out the red carpet for us.
13:44Please, this is not your first rodeo.
13:47Of course, Florence is full of art and culture, but why bother with that when you can float like you
13:52may well have floated before?
13:55All right, Richard.
13:56Yes.
13:56What are we going to do now?
13:57We're going to raft.
13:58Raft the Arno.
14:00Woo!
14:00Yes.
14:01Adventures on the High River.
14:02That's the response.
14:03This 19-min trip would see us all through a heavily landmark couple with the Arno's 150 miles.
14:09Hi, guys.
14:10Hi, everybody.
14:11Hi.
14:11Hi.
14:11Oh, hi.
14:12Are you ready to visit Florence from the river?
14:15Yes.
14:20You want to check the weather before you do this, because if this were raining, it's pretty bloody Christmassy, though.
14:25Yeah.
14:26Am I wrong?
14:27Yeah.
14:27This is a hot Christmas.
14:28It's like an Australian Christmas.
14:30Oh, all we need is a barbecue in the middle of this thing.
14:33Yeah, and a few prawns.
14:34But before we could fully imagine some sizzling seafood, our tour guide casually dropped some shocking intel.
14:40Like you probably are understanding, a weir is waiting for us.
14:46How big a drop is this weir, which you've literally just told me about?
14:50Three metres?
14:51Three metres.
14:51Yeah.
14:52That's taller than me.
14:53Should we have been wearing helmets?
14:54Should we even be in a dinghy?
14:58The weir was built to divert water for the city's mills.
15:01Oh, I can hear the drop.
15:03Yeah.
15:03Can you hear that?
15:04And now provides an impenetrable barrier to our dignity.
15:09Okay, guys, follow my instructions, okay?
15:11Really?
15:12Oh, my God.
15:12Is anybody else scared?
15:14This is a weird feel.
15:16Are you ready?
15:17Yeah, for what?
15:19What do we do?
15:19Forward, go, go, go, go.
15:22To your destiny.
15:23Go, go, go, go.
15:24This is a terrible idea.
15:30Woo!
15:32Yeah!
15:33Woo!
15:34I mean, we fell.
15:36Yeah, up the bell.
15:37We did it!
15:38Woo!
15:41As a way of quelling the adrenaline now coursing through my sinewy body,
15:45I go to my safe place, Planet Fact.
15:49Italian National Library, founded 1714, houses 6 million books,
15:53flooded in 1966, almost lost a lot of good lits.
15:57Largest library in Italy.
15:58You're a fact machine, Richard.
16:01Fact, paddle.
16:02Fact, paddle.
16:04Yeah.
16:05Next, we sail under Florence's most famous landmark.
16:09We're going up to the Ponte Vecchio.
16:11In walled medieval cities, space was tight,
16:14so building on bridges was the norm.
16:17Butchers had shops here so they could dump their offal in the river,
16:20but I'm mindful of other projectiles.
16:22I grew up in the suburbs,
16:23so I'm always on the watch for gobbing.
16:25Yeah.
16:26Next, we swan under the Ponte Santa Trinita.
16:29We're just drifting under the oldest elliptical arch bridge in the world.
16:33We can cross that off our bucket list, too.
16:35Tick.
16:36And then a last lurch towards land.
16:40I see the shore.
16:41This is a powerful sense of achievement.
16:44And lift.
16:46What?
16:47Okay.
16:47How did you find that, then?
16:49Shh.
16:49Awesome.
16:50I mean, we crashed it.
16:51I'm not too good at carrying boats, though.
16:53I don't know why they're making us carry this boat all the way back.
16:56Yeah.
16:56It seems like...
16:57It seems we should just go back in the river.
16:59Talking of carrying boats,
17:01I once went to Porto in Portugal with Nish Kumar.
17:05This is a good one.
17:06Oh, statesman-like.
17:06This is a great statesman-like walk.
17:09Yes, it is.
17:09At the end.
17:10A point.
17:12Look at what we plan to have happen.
17:15We're about to ascend this bridge,
17:16against my better judgment.
17:18The Ponte a Ravida offers the only bridge climb in Europe,
17:22and we're about to find out why.
17:25Ho, ho, ho, ho!
17:26Yes, please.
17:27Okay.
17:29In a scene too powerful to show,
17:31we harness up and gallantly let our guide Inez take up the rear.
17:36Nish, how many bridges do you think there are in Porto?
17:39Er, six.
17:41Major bridges?
17:42Six major bridges.
17:43This was the largest concrete arch bridge in the world at time of construction.
17:49Oh, really?
17:50Yeah.
17:50Which was?
17:51Between 56 and 63.
17:52Delicious.
17:53Oh.
17:55At this stage, I'm starting to really not like it.
17:58What's your workout routine?
18:00This is a rare break from it.
18:02When I saw Mark Woolworths, I laughed.
18:04I said, pick it up, Mark.
18:06I'm up at 1.30.
18:08Crunching.
18:09Are you straight in with a crunch?
18:10I sleep in the cryo chamber.
18:13Doing shadow boxing, lat work, and the lat press down.
18:17Which one's your lats?
18:18I don't know.
18:19I just read it in a magazine in the dentist's.
18:22A ten-minute trudge confirms my suspicion
18:25that though mist can obscure both Porto and the ocean,
18:28it cannot block out the six-lane thrum of traffic immediately over our heads.
18:34Before the stairs were built,
18:35it was quite common for kids, teenagers,
18:37to just come up to the top and hang on up here.
18:40How?
18:40They would crawl, and to go back,
18:42they would sit on their bums and slide down.
18:45They would cross through these ridges from one side to the other, which...
18:48Oh, what, like, across that?
18:50Oh, that makes me very ill in my balls.
18:52That's a shame.
18:54Anything to try to make their time here a little bit more adventurous.
18:57So anything like skateboards, motorcycles, and bicycles.
18:59Do you know what's also cool?
19:01Staying at ground level and studying.
19:03That's cool.
19:04Yeah.
19:05Passing at A levels.
19:06That's cool.
19:07Going to your first university of choice.
19:09That's cool.
19:10That's cool.
19:10I see her struggling a little bit to be up here.
19:13So may I invite you to a little bit of Port wine?
19:15Oh, absolutely.
19:16Oh, yes.
19:16Let's add alcohol into this equation.
19:18For no real reason, Inez hands us Port in a chocolate cup.
19:22And the cup goes down the hole?
19:24If you need it, yeah.
19:29Is it good?
19:30Very good.
19:31Shall we go back?
19:32I feel like you've been trying to go back ever since we got up here.
19:35So may I just show you some of the things you can see from here?
19:38Come on.
19:40Tell Mish.
19:41Are you sure you're okay there, buddy?
19:43No, I'm not okay.
19:45So all the way down here.
19:47Just out of shot, I begin a truly spectacular free descent, but no one was there to document it.
19:54Luckily, a whole film crew showed up to lens this dash through Paris in the company of Mel Giedroyc.
20:00Look at that.
20:01Michael Tower.
20:02We can see there's Envalides.
20:04Louvre, the lot.
20:05Very nice colours.
20:06There's camel, there's buff, there's beige, there's taupe.
20:09Which we've subconsciously bought into.
20:11I know.
20:12Yeah, we're going to skip.
20:14Look at this fella.
20:17Should I be strapped in in anyway?
20:19No.
20:20Here we go.
20:21No strapped in.
20:21No seatbelt required.
20:23No seatbelt.
20:24Oh my God.
20:25That's quite fast.
20:28The distressingly masculine Remy will speed us past Notre Dame, the Champs Elysees and Arc de Triomphe, amongst other things
20:35that also have names.
20:37I've got no feeling in my right thigh.
20:38You don't need it.
20:40I feel like doing a Lucinda Pryor Palmer.
20:43It's this sort of action.
20:45Sorry about this move.
20:46I know it's a bit odd.
20:47I just want to keep my right buttock alive.
20:50I'm used to it.
20:52Yeah.
20:53Oh, hello.
20:54Whoa.
20:56Oh, look, Notre Dame.
20:57There you go.
20:58Back.
20:59This is the smallest street of Paris.
21:02That is a small street.
21:04Can I stroke your beard?
21:05Yeah, you can.
21:06Just spray slightly.
21:07You can, you can.
21:07Good.
21:08How is it?
21:08Do you want to stroke it?
21:09I'm okay.
21:11You are in, where is it?
21:12Champs Elysees.
21:13Champs Elysees.
21:16In front of Le Lido.
21:18Another cabaret, you know, like Crazy Roast and Moulin Rouge.
21:22Is that a bit saucy?
21:24Many tits.
21:25Many tits.
21:27Remy.
21:27What do you say?
21:28You just said many tits in there.
21:30Oh.
21:31Remy, you've lowered the tone.
21:33It was all about the Musée d'Orsay and suddenly it's many tits.
21:37Unbelievable.
21:39This is Paris.
21:41Okay, Art de Triomphe.
21:43Art de Triomphe.
21:44Wow.
21:48This is the end.
21:51Remy, you are adept on this machine.
21:54Good night.
21:55I don't know what the Barnet's going to be doing under this.
21:57Let's have a look.
21:58It could have suffered.
21:59Helmet head.
21:59What's happening?
22:00Oh, no, it's good.
22:02Is it?
22:02Yeah, it's actually...
22:03Better.
22:04It's actually better.
22:04It's actually improved.
22:05Good way to see Paris.
22:07Amazing way to see Paris.
22:08It's pretty good.
22:09I felt you fall for Remy over the course of that trip.
22:12You were hugging him tighter and tighter.
22:14It's Paris, isn't it?
22:15I think it's Remy as well.
22:17Let's not discount his man-me, young Brian Blessed presence.
22:21Here's a shot of a map of Oslo,
22:23followed by various shots of Oslo,
22:25a shot of me telling you we're in Oslo,
22:28and then this shot of Faye Ripley and I.
22:30Snow makes everything look prettier apart from my face.
22:33Please, don't force me into a compliment this early.
22:36About to be in another shot of some shiz or other.
22:39This train literally stops near the top of Oslo's most popular toboggan run,
22:44which literally also has a stop at its bottom.
22:47Where the fuck?
22:48I don't know.
22:49Look, this is what it was like filming The Revenant.
22:53Hang on, didn't they climb inside a carcass?
22:56Leo climbed inside whatever he could.
22:58Leo will climb inside you to keep warm.
23:02After a sadly deleted toboggan hiring scene,
23:05we screech into shots.
23:07Have you done this before?
23:10Generally, anything that requires a helmet, I avoid.
23:13Are you prepared to mount up?
23:16Ready and willing.
23:17OK.
23:19Hang on.
23:19Where's, like, the inside lane?
23:21The Korkerdrecken, or corkscrew,
23:24was built as a bobsleigh track
23:25for the unforgettable 1952 Winter Olympics.
23:29Bye, Richards.
23:30See you later, loser.
23:32That's quite aggressive.
23:33I know that!
23:34No.
23:35Who's the tortoise and who's the hare?
23:37With this timely shout-out to your boy, Ethop,
23:40a thrilling narrative commences.
23:42A lot of screaming.
23:44Some sledges can reach speeds of 25 miles an hour.
23:46Others can't.
23:48That's really fast.
23:50And my coil just came out.
23:54I will not be overtaken by Richard.
23:56Whoa.
23:59Fruity.
24:00That was almost.
24:01Death Race 3000.
24:03Time to go right.
24:04Oh, this is very satisfying.
24:06Don't you dare!
24:07That's very satisfying.
24:11Ah!
24:12Ah!
24:14Ah!
24:15That was the most fun I've actually ever had.
24:18Ever?
24:19That was better than my honeymoon.
24:21It's amazing.
24:22Your husband must have been delighted to hear that review.
24:26My chin took a beating.
24:28A lot of spray on the chin.
24:29But it was...
24:30And based on those yellow patches,
24:31some of that's where I did not want going in my mouth.
24:33No, that's true.
24:35What happened on your honeymoon?
24:37I asked, even though I had no interest in the answer.
24:41Remain in reach for another blast of fact-ent-anamity
24:44that will include moments like this.
24:47Ah!
24:48Will you stop assaulting me?
24:50Babies!
24:50Look at the little babies!
24:52That...
24:53Oh.
24:54I think we've found your obituary clip.
24:57There we go.
24:58Rod.
24:59Rod.
24:59Rod.
25:00And the other.
25:01That is not a friend of mine.
25:12Welcome back to the best of that's no better than this.
25:16Woo!
25:17In this part, we revisit and often discuss the ongoing battle between animals...
25:23You look at home on that horse.
25:24...and my allergies.
25:25I've always had a sense with camels.
25:27They are the most pissed off about being used for transportation.
25:31Take Tenerife, where omnididact Lena Dunham...
25:34Woo!
25:35...and I went watching for whales.
25:39Tenerife is one of the top three whale and dolphin-watching destinations in the world.
25:43It's bronze once more for the reef.
25:46You probably already know that the shortfin pilot whale
25:48is one of the few mammals that go through the menopause.
25:52I think we're having cultural dissonance, which is, you said, the menopause.
25:56Okay.
25:56In America, we just call it menopause.
25:58Please don't take that definite article as an act of hostility.
26:01You know, this is a nice thing to do with a friend, Richard.
26:03It is nice.
26:04It's a little...
26:05Back and forth tipsy-wopsy.
26:07A little bit.
26:08Do you feel nauseous?
26:09Of course.
26:10Is there any part of you that can kind of just relax and think, like,
26:13I was once in a womb, I was once rocked by my mother, this is the same kind of thing?
26:17Thinking back to that confined space is not relaxing.
26:20Got it.
26:21After what seemed like and was minutes,
26:23Captain Jose drew us to the dolphins.
26:27There.
26:28Yes.
26:29Yes.
26:30Yes.
26:31Woo!
26:32There.
26:32There.
26:33Ah!
26:34I've never been this excited to see only about an eighth of an animal.
26:37Yeah.
26:38That dorsal fin really got me going.
26:41Ah!
26:43Will you stop assaulting me?
26:44Look, there.
26:45Oh, my God.
26:46Oh, my God.
26:46Babies!
26:47Look at the little babies!
26:48Ah!
26:49As the sweat soaks my epidermis, the dolphins start to circle.
26:53Wow.
26:54What do they want from us?
26:55As does nausea's icky ring.
26:58Oh.
26:59There's no pharmacy on this boat at all, because have you noticed that?
27:02There's no pharmacy.
27:03But Jose, like Ahab before him, presses ever more whale-wood.
27:07Hey, look.
27:08Wow!
27:09Look at that one.
27:10That's a whale.
27:11Look.
27:12Wow.
27:13Come on, now.
27:14Three right in a row.
27:15They generally travel in pods of 10 to 100.
27:19Oh!
27:20Yes.
27:21Yes.
27:22Oh, mama.
27:24I feel we could have done this by watching YouTube clips.
27:27I'm 100% with you.
27:29Pilot whale's over there.
27:30Who cares?
27:31I think there's such a thing as too much whale.
27:34Thank you, Captain Jose.
27:36Welcome.
27:39You now have no choice but to join me in Jordan, where David Baddiel and I...
27:44What are you doing?
27:45I'm relaxing, which is what the viewers like to see on a travel programme.
27:48Get up.
27:49Where are we going?
27:50Wind through the desert of Wadi Rum on a heap of humps.
27:55It looks good.
27:57Gosh.
27:58What's the name of this camel?
27:59Samhan.
28:00Samhan.
28:01Okay, okay, Samhan.
28:02It's going to be all right.
28:02Oh, I can't do that.
28:03Hang on.
28:04Okay, I simply don't...
28:07I don't have the quads.
28:08Can we book in David for some Pilates?
28:11Ow.
28:12Oh, Christ.
28:13Ow.
28:13I think we've found your obituary clip.
28:17There we go.
28:18Perfect.
28:19Oh.
28:20Oh, my God.
28:21Whoa!
28:22Whoa!
28:23Hey, now.
28:24God.
28:27I've drunk camel milk, by the way.
28:29Ten times more iron, three times more vitamin C than cow's milk.
28:33I'm glad I set you up for those facts.
28:36Always waiting, primed to deliver facts.
28:39Can you tell me anything else about camels?
28:40Sure.
28:41They have three eyelids and two sets of eyelashes.
28:44They can close their nostrils in sandstorms.
28:46They don't start sweating until it's 41 degrees Celsius.
28:49I've always had a sense with camels.
28:51They are the most pissed off about being used for transportation.
28:56Huskies, fine.
28:57Horses, they love it.
28:58Camels, really big sense of go away.
29:00Because there must have been a stage when they were just going along fine.
29:05And then suddenly...
29:06Yeah.
29:06People.
29:07People were on them.
29:08People were on them.
29:08It's already hot.
29:09They're going long distance.
29:11Yeah.
29:11And now...
29:12Yeah.
29:12This absolute freeloader...
29:15Yeah.
29:16Has decided...
29:17Has saddled up.
29:18I know.
29:18But they do get something out of it.
29:21What?
29:22Camel food.
29:23Camel food?
29:24They were eating before people were on them.
29:29An elegant pit stop.
29:30Allows this long shot of a local landmark.
29:34Over there is Lawrence Spring.
29:36Who's Lawrence Spring?
29:37Is he a friend of yours?
29:38No.
29:38No.
29:39It's not like my personal high jumper friend.
29:41This green tree, which we couldn't even be bothered to film up close,
29:46the marks an oasis we're too hydrated to need.
29:50Realising that you, the public, can't get enough of comedians
29:53on the back of querulous quadrupeds...
29:55Wow, that's one pack.
29:56I thought that was a multi-pack.
29:58I went in there expecting to take out smaller packets.
30:00I beseech Rob Delaney to travel with me to the spaghetti western wonder of Fort Bravo in Spain
30:06and pack his personal saddle pants.
30:11Visitors can explore the park by leg, horse and cart, or go the full High Plains Drifter.
30:19In a bid to stoke interest in my pending Peckham-set Zorro reboot,
30:23I ignore my allergy to horses...
30:25These are very tight trousers.
30:27...and saddle up.
30:28Have you been on a horse before?
30:30I have, yeah.
30:31I have not been on a horse before.
30:33It may surprise you to learn, given my current mastery of this.
30:37Slow it.
30:37But we'll see how it pans out.
30:43Fort Bravo was built in 1964 for the Sergio Leone film A Fistful of Dollars
30:48and starred in several spaghetti westerns.
30:51It opened to visitors in the 1980s and they've been flocking ever since.
30:56Man, is it busy in this place.
31:00Recent shoots here include Doctor Who and Penny Dreadful.
31:05Where Sky Sports are based, in that shack.
31:10That's not where Rupert Murdoch comes to hide out.
31:13I wouldn't put it past him.
31:14Yeah.
31:15What's the name of this horse?
31:17Perla.
31:17Perla.
31:18Perla.
31:18Perla.
31:20Apache.
31:21Apache.
31:22Rob, your one's called Apache.
31:23Oh, it's fantastic.
31:27You look at home on that horse.
31:28Oh, oh.
31:29Oh, oh, oh.
31:30I think, I'm wondering if Apache is mad at me because I'm fat.
31:34Apache does not consolidate negative body images.
31:38My horse has managed to salivate on me.
31:41I've got one minute left of my throat before it closes in.
31:45I honestly can't speak.
31:46With my wind piping on the verge of collapse and Rob drenched in horse wash,
31:52I rip-called this mother.
31:57Well, it's further confirmation that I am indeed allergic to horses.
32:01How did you leave things with Apache in the end?
32:03I mean, I think it worked out okay.
32:05I will probably call him later to sort of unpack what happened.
32:10But I don't think that he liked me.
32:13Let's mosey on out of here.
32:14I like Ricardo, though.
32:16He had eyes that have seen a lot.
32:18He is a handsome cowboy.
32:20The other one had a sadness that I couldn't put a finger on.
32:22He's from Argentina.
32:23Okay.
32:25Let us cordon off this quadrant with a quick zip to Miami
32:28in the company of comedian Rod Gilbert.
32:31I mean, it's a good job I'm not of a nervous disposition.
32:34You're in very safe hands with me.
32:36A man whose trust in me was like that of a simple dove.
32:40I'm just sort of telling myself that nothing bad can happen
32:43because we're on TV.
32:44And yet it could.
32:48It's all right.
32:50Yeah, that wasn't too bad.
32:53Do you want to roll over the front of the bonnet?
32:57While at the service station for a mid-trip pop-tart,
33:00we made a solemn blood pact to relive Gentle Ben
33:02by taking a ride on one of the airboats Jesse Kennan and his family
33:05have been piloting here since 1945.
33:08Let's go see what we can find in the Everglades.
33:10It's the largest sub-tropical wilderness left in this country
33:14that trumps making great again.
33:17The Everglades is a vast, slow-moving river
33:20which covers over 2,000 square miles.
33:22It's often only a few inches deep,
33:24so flat-bossomed airboats are a flipping boon.
33:28It's lovely to be at work with nature.
33:31I don't know if the wildlife even knows where to go.
33:34After this moment of intimacy,
33:36Rod fatally betrays my trust
33:38and the no-surprise-a-subclause of our bloodpacks.
33:43The trip will never be the same again.
33:51This is eerie now.
33:53What would make a gator attack me?
33:56Basically, you'd have to aggravate him more than anything.
33:58Because a lot of people just don't take to me, Jesse.
34:02A lot of people just don't like me.
34:04I think, to be honest, part of the problem
34:06is that you're wearing real flamingo shoes.
34:08I am. I am dressed like a flamingo.
34:12One right in front of you on the left, see?
34:14Here we go.
34:15He's coming for you.
34:16He's coming for you.
34:17He's coming for you.
34:18Stand on one leg now.
34:19Stand on one leg now.
34:21That is not a friend of mine.
34:25Rod. Rod. Rod.
34:26Oh, God.
34:28Flamingo.
34:29Over here, flamingo.
34:30Oh, yeah.
34:30They speak English.
34:31Show him your shoes.
34:35They're circling us, Jesse.
34:37What do they want from us, Jesse?
34:39We're actually in their dining room,
34:41so they're just curious to see what's moving around.
34:43Maybe we should go through
34:44to the lounge club.
34:45Oh.
34:46They're one of the very few animals
34:47that hasn't went through very much evolutionary change
34:49since the age of the dinosaur.
34:51They're much more beautiful than I was expecting.
34:54God.
34:55You know what?
34:56I'd say their beauty takes second place
34:58to their absolute terrifying nature.
35:01Yeah.
35:05There's no easy way to segue out of that footage,
35:08so why try?
35:09Even when we were in alligator-infested waters,
35:12I still felt safer out there
35:13than I did in the car with you.
35:14How dare you.
35:16In our final flip
35:17through this dusty Rolodex of rollets remembered,
35:20we will see not five,
35:23not four,
35:26but three modes of transportation.
35:28You've got mud on your beard.
35:30I've got mud everywhere.
35:39Welcome back to this terminal trawl of trips
35:42titled with contemptuous non-specificity
35:45as Out and About.
35:47We're going up to the Ponte Vecchio.
35:49In this part,
35:51various ill-advised modes of transport.
35:58Let's commence in Iceland
35:59with Jessica Hines.
36:01Well,
36:02you'd be accurate
36:03in describing this as cold.
36:05It's brisk.
36:06It's pretty bracing.
36:07In spite of the cold,
36:09people come to Iceland
36:09to experience the aggressive
36:11and stunning landscapes.
36:12And while you can do this
36:14via dog sled or snowmobile,
36:16most choose a bus tour.
36:17The most popular tour
36:19is of the Golden Circle.
36:21But that takes up to eight hours.
36:23So I've got a better idea.
36:24Look.
36:27For a mere ten times
36:29the price of a sluggish coach,
36:31we jointly commend you
36:33to charter a copter.
36:36By taking to the skies,
36:38we could complete the Golden Circle
36:40in just one hour.
36:41Seven hours quicker
36:42than the bus.
36:46Oh.
36:49Imagine we could just be
36:50going along
36:51at a sedate pace,
36:52not encountering
36:53the frankly valuable
36:54lesson that life
36:56can end at any moment.
36:59Our first stop
37:00on the Golden Circle tour
37:01is the home of
37:02Iceland's most famous
37:03water features,
37:04the geysers.
37:06Jess,
37:07shall we go and check out
37:08this geyser
37:08that everyone's going on about?
37:09Yes.
37:10OK,
37:11let's vacate the copter.
37:13These geysers
37:14are liquidy illustrations
37:15of Iceland's active landscape
37:17and have been spewing out
37:19magma-heated water here
37:20for 10,000 years.
37:22We're here, Jess,
37:23at the biggest geyser
37:25in Iceland.
37:25At the diamond geyser.
37:26The rave windstone,
37:27if you will,
37:28of Iceland.
37:29Wow.
37:29I'd better get the camera out.
37:30Well,
37:32I don't think it's going to go off
37:33any time soon.
37:34It last erupted
37:3570 foot high in the air
37:36in 2000
37:37when D-Ream
37:38were at their height.
37:39Things can only get better.
37:41Yeah.
37:41Well,
37:42they didn't.
37:42No.
37:43Unfortunately,
37:43they got a lot worse.
37:44We did get bright cocks
37:45out of it,
37:46so swings and roundabouts.
37:48I'm going to take you
37:49to the second biggest skiser,
37:50the Danny Dyer,
37:51if you will,
37:52and that erupts
37:53every three minutes,
37:54much like Danny Dyer,
37:54only joking,
37:55he's just an actor.
37:56He is.
37:57He's not like that.
37:57He's in control.
38:04Wow.
38:07That's stroka for you.
38:10Stroka?
38:10Regular as he likes.
38:12We return to the Terracopter
38:14and continue
38:15on our so-called way.
38:17We are journeying
38:18to a valley
38:19where the North American
38:20and Eurasian
38:21tectonic plates
38:22are tearing the world apart,
38:24and that is
38:24straight from Wikipedia.
38:26They're moving towards each other,
38:28or kind of,
38:29they're about to collide.
38:30All I remember
38:31is that in geography,
38:32that's where you did
38:33extra special shading.
38:35Moving 2.5 centimetres a year
38:37is a rollicking romp
38:38in geological terms,
38:39another Golden Circle Tour stop
38:41checked off
38:42without even touching the ground.
38:44But I demand
38:45yet more speed.
38:47Wow, look at that.
38:49That's a whole heap
38:50of boiling water.
38:52Borders.
38:54We are ending
38:55the Golden Circle Tour
38:56here at Gullfoss,
38:58a waterfall
38:58with a 32-metre drop
39:00over its two steps,
39:02fed by Iceland's
39:03second-biggest glacier.
39:05This seems a steep descent.
39:07This seems too steep.
39:12Well, here we are.
39:14What a view.
39:15It's pretty good.
39:16Look at those saps
39:17on the other side,
39:19all in a big line,
39:22ostensibly closer to it.
39:23With a better view.
39:24On the face of it,
39:25it looks like that.
39:26But not only can we see that,
39:29we can also see them
39:30and the car parking facility
39:32and the visitor centre.
39:34Sure.
39:34And we have the added bonus
39:36of no protective barrier,
39:37so it keeps it alive and jangly.
39:40Now I'm really glad that I am.
39:42It would have been weird
39:44not to have travelled by helicopter.
39:46Why doesn't everyone do it?
39:48It would not be long
39:49till my feet left terra firma once more.
39:52Behold Stephen Mangan
39:53and your morally suspect host
39:55in Morocco.
39:57That face tells me
39:58you made the wrong decision.
40:00Mere moments away
40:01from a giant wicker-mounted
40:03Bunsen burner.
40:05Pilot Maurice insists
40:07on an early start
40:08as the calm morning air
40:10should ensure a safe flight.
40:12How long have you been
40:14piloting hot air balloons?
40:15It's the first time you do it.
40:17A crown prince of deadpan,
40:19Maurice also moonlights
40:21as Morocco's second best
40:22Terence Stamp look-alike.
40:26I do now know for certain
40:29that I am a vertigo sufferer.
40:32Right.
40:33What I'm enjoying
40:34is the tranquility,
40:37the really freaky silence
40:39and then the quite violent
40:41flame throwing
40:42that's going on
40:43just inches above our head.
40:50Wow, look.
40:51You can genuinely see
40:53everything.
40:58I wish I had a similar device
40:59to this in normal conversations
41:01to provide thinking time.
41:04Yeah.
41:07I thought you'd be able
41:08to mingle in one of these things
41:09and walk around and chat
41:11but we're actually hemmed in
41:12in quite a small...
41:13It's not like a function.
41:14What do you think it is?
41:15You thought you came up here
41:16to network?
41:17I came here for a party
41:18in the sky.
41:19Well, it's more like
41:20a confessional booth
41:21in the sky.
41:24I feel more and more relieved
41:26as we get nearer the ground.
41:27I'm feeling kind of
41:28almost smug.
41:31And this eerie experience
41:33ends without injury.
41:35Brace for impact.
41:38Whoa.
41:40I am enjoying
41:42my feet touching land.
41:44Oh, but wasn't it magical
41:45being up in the sky
41:46and so quiet
41:47and floating?
41:48It was periodically quiet
41:50between bunten burner blasts.
41:52Yeah, that was quite noisy.
41:54Here we go.
41:56The balloon massively
41:58fulfilled its brief
41:59of allowing us
42:00to see a good deal
42:01and all before
42:02any such thing
42:03as breakfast.
42:07Let's shut up shop
42:08in Dubrovnik
42:09for no real reason
42:10other than
42:11it's about that time.
42:15A bit awkward, really.
42:16It is.
42:17It's a ruddy buggy tour
42:19with Stephen,
42:20the Merchman Merchant.
42:21Hi.
42:23Hi.
42:23Are we overdressed
42:24or are you underdressed?
42:25It's hard to tell.
42:26You are.
42:27I don't know how you feel
42:27about this.
42:28I might just take
42:30these are quite nice trousers.
42:32What are you?
42:33Are you Buck's fist?
42:34No, I just, I just,
42:34I feel like
42:35I don't want to get
42:36these damaged.
42:37OK.
42:37So...
42:38It's a good choice.
42:39This is one of the
42:40strangest things
42:40I've ever been a part of.
42:42In a matter of mins,
42:43we mount up.
42:45All right.
42:46Let's do this.
42:49Oh, dear.
42:50Oh, dear.
42:51This is instantly unpleasant.
42:53And for 150 more,
42:55Matteo motors forth.
42:57Oh, dear.
42:57Do we need a safety word
42:59if we get too panicked?
43:01Pineapple.
43:02Pineapple?
43:03Pineapple, then.
43:05All right.
43:06All right.
43:08At what point
43:09does this become pleasurable?
43:11Filled with the composite
43:12broth of discomfort
43:13and fury,
43:14we make our first
43:15scheduled stop.
43:17Oh, oh.
43:20It's amazing
43:21what they find
43:22that they can charge you for.
43:26Yeah.
43:26I mean,
43:27how is this a thing?
43:28I don't know.
43:29This is,
43:30I feel like
43:31I've been kidnapped.
43:32I'm strapped in,
43:33I'm basically
43:33in a plastic bag.
43:34Yeah.
43:35I don't know
43:35where I am.
43:37Built in the 19th century,
43:39Strincerer fort
43:40was bombarded
43:41in the 20th
43:42during the Croatian war
43:43for independence.
43:45Just be careful
43:46where you step.
43:47There are still
43:48some mines left around.
43:49There's still some what?
43:50Sorry?
43:51There are still
43:51some mines left around.
43:53Well, how are we going to know?
43:54I'll see you later.
43:55How are we going to know?
43:56Step where I step.
43:58I thought muddy trousers
43:59was my biggest worry.
44:00There are still some around.
44:02Yeah.
44:03It's not worth checking
44:04to see if there are any left
44:05before doing a tour.
44:07Let's hope
44:08there are none around.
44:10Yeah.
44:11Do you know
44:11it's better than hope?
44:12Checking.
44:14That's even better than hope.
44:15But it's more dangerous.
44:17OK.
44:18It's a bit of a nightmare,
44:18isn't it?
44:23Our closeness
44:24ever more manifest,
44:25Matteo promises
44:26to proceed
44:26with a pinch more humanity.
44:29Oh, brother.
44:32Oh, this is grim.
44:34Yeah.
44:34It's so grim.
44:35Yeah.
44:36Oh, you've got mud
44:38on your beard.
44:39I've got mud everywhere.
44:40It's gone up for shorts.
44:48After that stirring slow-mo,
44:50we come to a real-time stop here
44:52when we can peer
44:53at the Elefite Islands,
44:55named after its now-departed
44:57deer population.
44:59This is the money shot.
45:01But enough about my legs.
45:02Please.
45:03All right.
45:04Rachel Hunter over here.
45:05Rachel Hunter is your most up-to-date
45:07reference so far.
45:08That's right.
45:08And no-one remembers who that is.
45:09I know.
45:10My core demo.
45:11All right.
45:12Fair enough.
45:13Stormzy.
45:14Go on.
45:15That small island over there,
45:16it's called Daxa.
45:18OK.
45:18Yeah.
45:19They were executing people
45:20there in the Second World War.
45:21It's a strange mix,
45:23this tour, isn't it?
45:23Between donuts and death.
45:26Yeah.
45:26We'll do our best.
45:27Yeah.
45:27Go on.
45:28This is maimed a problem
45:29down there, isn't it?
45:30Yeah.
45:31Yeah.
45:32Just for clarity,
45:33in case anyone...
45:34Who are you?
45:34Judith Chalmers?
45:35Well, someone's got to do it.
45:36Are you familiar with
45:37who Judith Chalmers is?
45:39Another person...
45:40She hasn't been on the telly
45:41for 25 years!
45:42The demo is old.
45:44Only old people can travel.
45:46Millennials are broke.
45:47Don't you read the Guardian?
45:48You could have gone with
45:48anyone but Chalmers.
45:50No, I meant to do.
45:50Palin, he's got too much
45:51gravitate to be compared to me.
45:52I remember when Alan Wicker
45:53was first here.
45:54Yes, Wicker.
45:55Evergreen Refs.
45:57You're welcome.
45:59We're going to get an Uber now.
46:00Come on.
46:02Does it say four minutes?
46:04It'll end up being nine.
46:06With the bounce tanks at E,
46:08we must unplug this pail
46:10unless its juices
46:11re-saturate the soil.
46:13The soil to which we all return.
46:16Bye!
46:25The soil to which we all return.
46:26The soil to which we all return.
46:29The soil to which we all return.
46:36The soil to which we all return.
46:37The soil to which we all return.
46:37The soil to which we all return.
46:38The soil to which we all return.
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