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00:10Welcome back to Who Wants to Remain a Millionaire.
00:14I'm your host, fake farmer and real arsehole, Jeremy Clarkson.
00:21Let's bring out our contestant for tonight. You hate him, I hate him.
00:25It's Prime Minister Keir Starmer.
00:35It's great to be here, Jeremy.
00:38Great to have you here, Sir Keir. Now, let's play.
00:44We start with your first and indeed only question.
00:47Is it ever a good idea to give Peter Mandelson a job?
00:52Is it A? No. B? Of course not. C? Not in a million years. Or D? Yes.
01:06It's a tricky one. Jeremy, I think I'm going to have to use a lifeline on this one.
01:13Could I ask the audience?
01:14Okay. Audience on your keypads, please. Is it ever a good idea to give paedophile-adjacent Bond villain Peter Mandelson
01:23a job? Vote now.
01:27Pretty comprehensive. What do you make of that, Sir Keir?
01:31I'll be honest, Jeremy. I'm leaning towards D.
01:36But seeing that has put a seed of doubt in my mind. I'd like to use another lifeline.
01:43Really? Yes, 50-50 please, Jeremy.
01:47Okay, computer, can you lose two wrong answers, please?
01:55Oh, gosh. This looks so much easier at home.
02:07Jeremy. I'm afraid I'm just not being presented with the facts. I think I'm going to have to phone a
02:16friend.
02:18Okay, Sir Keir, who are you going to call?
02:20I'd like to call Peter Mandelson.
02:23Here goes. Let's hope he has the answer.
02:29Hello?
02:31Hi, Peter. Jeremy Clarkson here. I've got Sir Keir with me. He needs your help. Sir Keir, your time starts
02:37now.
02:38Hi, Peter. First things first, how have you been?
02:43Greatly well, Sir Keir. How may I be of service?
02:47Ten seconds left.
02:47Peter, I am being rushed, so I have to ask. Is it ever a good idea to give you a
02:53job?
02:54Me? A job? I'd be careful if I were you.
03:04Oh, Peter, you'll have me going in a minute.
03:12He's a cheeky monkey, that one.
03:15Well, Sir Keir, did that help?
03:18I'm afraid not.
03:20Time to use another lifeline. Let's go 50-50 again.
03:25You know what? I'll allow it. Computer.
03:32Okay, Jeremy. I have my answer. I know it's not conventional, but I'd actually like to bring back one of
03:41the previous options.
03:43Because I'm going to go with D. Final answer.
03:47Are you totally sure?
03:49Oh, never.
03:54I am sorry, Sir Keir. I'm afraid the correct answer was C.
03:58Oh, Jeremy. It's clear to me now that was the wrong decision.
04:03Would I make the same decision again, knowing what I know now?
04:08Quite possibly.
04:11But that doesn't change the fact that...
04:14Live from London, it's Saturday night!
04:22It's Thursday night live!
04:29With...
04:30Amid Kanemashow!
04:38Ayawade Banfoye!
04:45Larry Dean!
04:47Larry Dean!
04:53Celeste Spring!
04:58George Foreacres!
05:04Anya Magliano!
05:09Annabelle Marlowe!
05:11Annabelle Marlowe!
05:14Al Nash!
05:20Jack Sheff!
05:26Emma Sidney!
05:34Abby Young!
05:41Musical guest, Voo Fighters!
05:47And your host, Nicola Coughlin!
05:52Musical guest, Voo Fighters!
05:58And your host, Nicola Coughlin!
06:00Ladies and gentlemen, Nicola Coughlin!
06:16Thank you!
06:18Thank you so much!
06:20I am Nicola Coughlin and I am so excited to be here,
06:23hosting what is increasingly becoming SNL UK and Ireland!
06:29So, you might know me from Derry Girls,
06:31where I played a school girl who came out as a lesbian,
06:34or Big Mood, where I played a writer who came out as bipolar,
06:38or Bridgerton, where I played an aristocrat,
06:40who came out as a messy bitch who lives for drama.
06:44Which, isn't that all like me in real life?
06:47Jack Shepp?
06:49Yeah.
06:49He drunk all of Emma City's banana yazoo.
06:52Shhh!
06:53Fun fact, though.
06:55Back when I had nothing but dreams,
06:56I actually used to sell frozen yoghurt across the street.
06:58It's a true story.
06:59But, um, since I'm rich and famous now,
07:01someone gets it for me.
07:04Two scoops of Berry Blast.
07:06Not now, Minion!
07:08But I have to say, being here is such a dream come true.
07:11I am an SNL superfan.
07:13I can't believe I get to stand on this famous set
07:15where some of the most talented entertainers have stood,
07:17like Tina Fey, or Jamie Dornan, or me.
07:20Five weeks ago.
07:22Yeah, I was here.
07:24On that very first ever episode of SNL UK last month,
07:27where I got to live every man's dream.
07:29Shouting at a female comedian on television.
07:33This evening I really wanted to recreate the magic
07:36of the original 1970s SNL.
07:38So, to prepare, I have consumed a staggering amount of cocaine.
07:43Honestly, I could knock out a horse.
07:46But look, it's an honour to be hosting.
07:48It sort of feels like I manifested it somehow.
07:51It's almost like this place is, like, magic.
07:54That's because it is.
08:06It gets an old royalty to the father.
08:08Yeah. Thanks for having me.
08:10Hey, sorry, can you repeat your name?
08:12It's very tricky to pronounce.
08:13Yeah, yeah, of course. It's Nicola.
08:16God, I love the British sense of humour.
08:19I'm Irish, Jimmy.
08:20Educate yourself.
08:22Hey, educate yourself.
08:23My great-great-grandpa's from Ireland.
08:27Oh, speak Irish?
08:29Well, what region was that from?
08:31Duolingo.
08:32Oh, it is beautiful there.
08:34But, like, as much fun as this is,
08:36could I just get back to hosting?
08:38Yeah.
08:38Well, that's why I'm here, Nicola.
08:39To teach you the biggest secret of SNL
08:41that no one wants you to know.
08:42Oh, which is?
08:44Well, don't tell anyone, but it's live.
08:48Yeah, they don't really try to hide that, Jimmy.
08:50It's in the title.
08:51No, you're not getting it.
08:52It's actually live.
08:53I mean, you can do whatever you want.
08:55You can go wherever you want.
08:55You're the host.
08:56They don't stop you.
08:57Well, what do you mean?
08:58What do I mean?
08:59Ben, give me some music.
09:01You see, Nicola, we don't have to stay on this stage.
09:03We can go into the audience.
09:05Look at this beautiful crowd.
09:07Look at this man.
09:08You can rub this man's hair if you like.
09:10Why not?
09:11I mean, look who it is, though.
09:13Sir Paul McCartney himself.
09:15Oh, my goodness.
09:16I can't believe he's here.
09:17Jimmy, I don't think that's a Beatle.
09:19Well, every American thinks everyone from England
09:20is in the Beatles.
09:21It's fantastic.
09:22Oh, fair enough.
09:22Yeah.
09:23This is it.
09:24Oh, my gosh.
09:24Look at this.
09:25Hattie and Anya are getting ready for a weekend update.
09:27Give them some news.
09:28Jack Shepp.
09:29He does his number twos in your dressing rooms.
09:32Later, nerds.
09:33That's what I'm talking about.
09:34Start stealing the power.
09:35Jimmy, I'm getting it now.
09:37Yes.
09:37I'm the host.
09:38I can do anything I want.
09:39How do you like me now, London?
09:41I mean, this is it.
09:42This is SNL UK live.
09:44When else can you hold up a copy of today's newspaper
09:46and have it make sense?
09:48Do you know what I'm saying?
09:49Yes.
09:50It's Dave Grohl.
09:52Yeah.
09:52You should ask me to be best friends because we're live.
09:54He has to say yes.
09:56Mr. Dave Grohl, sir.
09:57Oh, hi.
09:58Could we please be best friends?
10:01Sure.
10:02Why not?
10:03Yeah.
10:04Yeah.
10:04See you later, bestie.
10:06See you later.
10:07That was incredible.
10:08I'm telling you.
10:09You got it.
10:09You got it.
10:10Oh, look.
10:11There's George.
10:12Oh, hello, Jimmy Fallon.
10:14And as for you, don't forget, it doesn't matter, Nicola Coughlin.
10:20None of this is real.
10:22It is real, George Four Acres.
10:24I'm the host now.
10:25And don't you forget it.
10:26Oh, gosh.
10:27Oh, my goodness.
10:28I broke that with my bare hands.
10:29You're really.
10:30You're feeling this energy almost too much.
10:32Yeah, I know.
10:33It's like the cocaine is like really kicking in.
10:34Oh, maybe that's what it is.
10:36Maybe that's what it is.
10:36Yeah, but either way, it's kind of, you can feel the energy.
10:40Literally no one on stage.
10:41Are we doing the show?
10:42The show?
10:43It's more about the show.
10:45This is magic.
10:50Hey, Jimmy, I can still see you.
10:51Yeah, you're just on ground.
10:52Oh, okay.
10:53Sorry, sorry.
10:53Let's go.
10:53Let's go.
10:54Let's go.
10:54Let's go.
10:54Let's go.
10:54Let's go.
10:59Come on.
11:00This is your night showdown.
11:03What a great night we have.
11:04Tell them the great news.
11:06This is your night.
11:07Go.
11:07We have done a great show for you tonight with all the iconic Blue Fighters.
11:11So stick around and enjoy this.
11:17Hey, guys.
11:18Thank you so much for meeting with me today.
11:19Any time, Nicola Coughlin.
11:21And can I just say, we loved your work in The Magic Faraway Tree.
11:25Oh, thank you.
11:26Yes, you've done a real service to the classic books.
11:29Oh, look, it's been an absolute privilege.
11:31So what did you want to meet about?
11:32Well, I have actually written a song for the movie.
11:35Sorry, what?
11:36You know, like Will Smith does.
11:37Made, like, a lovely song for the end credits.
11:39He shouldn't have.
11:40Yeah, you've done more than enough with your charming portrayal of Silky the Elk.
11:44Whoa.
11:45Gosh.
11:46You haven't heard it yet.
11:51It's the Faraway Tree.
11:52And it's magic as f***.
11:54Thick leaves, Nicky C.
11:55And a magical trunk.
11:56It's a big f***ing tree.
11:57Gets a new land of day.
11:59And you think it's big now.
12:00Yes, it's far away.
12:02Ay, ay.
12:04Nicola Coughlin.
12:06I play a fairy named Silky.
12:07I'm a little bit thotty.
12:09It's based on a book by the bitch you did naughty.
12:11Magic rum in the clouds.
12:13Yeah, this shit's so excitin'.
12:14I might f*** from the twisted f***ing thoughts of being a blightin'.
12:17And you wanna feel your boy
12:19When i'm wanna feel your boy
12:19When i'm rollin' with my homie ScottField and Foy
12:21Yeah that's FranBeth and Joan and his family 6
12:24But in the book F времени Beth I call Fanny a dick
12:26It's f***ing you hi-yity!
12:27That's my bird fur for sip the lorr
12:29It's got another tape for Sam Bright and tomato score
12:32Critics are green man this movie's a blast
12:34Except for the times, you can eat my arms
12:40wow okay we love the enthusiasm thank you it's not very will smithy though is it oh it's more
12:47like Natalie Portman I don't know her we're just worried you're missing some of the family-friendly
12:53themes of the film you only mention how the tree is um far away and big oh I get you
13:00I get you so
13:01like the the song should be a bit more about like my experience filming a movie we didn't say
13:17if this song were to be in the credits they the audience would have just seen a big tree with
13:24elves living in it why is there so much stuff about the onset catering just remember when we were
13:27filming there was lots of really delicious snacks okay I think we've heard enough you haven't heard
13:33the guest verse who's the guest verse my name is Keith I did the onset catering for when the
13:38captain cruise energy is wavering anything they need you knew I was getting hey look here's my
13:43mother f***ing name in the credits it's the following tree on the final shooting day we had an ice cream
13:49truck it lifted morale for the cast and crew of the movie from the beach who wrote that in the
13:54zoo
13:57well thank you so much Nicola featuring Keith yeah and of course Keith from catering we actually
14:03started um dating on the movie Anna let me tell you things got pretty freaky whoa that's enough I can
14:11tell that's gonna be explicit
14:49guys we literally have nothing where the hell are we gonna find a story we go to print in three
14:53hours I don't understand it's like no one has insane anecdotes anymore you're just gonna have to face it
14:59gang this is the end of what a life magazine Martin's 71st best-selling bi-monthly publication God
15:08don't say that we can still turn this around how you know how no Becky we can't we said we
15:16wouldn't do
15:16that anymore but it's our only hope it works every time she's right we're gonna have to do it we're
15:22gonna have to talk to Paula in the cows you're out Paula to get up to much last night oh
15:35you know
15:35dinner telly having sex with my neighbor's ghost that's lovely what's his name Frank died a fatty liver
15:48disease 14 years ago his favorite drink was liquidated pork and do you guys have good chemistry
15:56as much as any woman and the ghost of a dead argos manager can after we've made love I like
16:04the toaster
16:05page let me write this down why you're not putting me in your magazine again are you oh my god
16:14what no no
16:16we'd never do that we're just chatting about having sex with paranormal beings like any group of
16:21colleagues do you're the office accountant you're the funnest person here which reminds me he had any
16:27good celebrity encounters recently ah well not unless you count the Ross Kemp thing he ran me over four
16:37times this morning yeah I know we was laughing by the third he bought me a Twix in the wild
16:44bean cafe
16:45so he backed over me again in the full court did you share a picture together no but inside my
16:52bag in
16:53elbow blood oh I knew it you are putting me in your magazine again we're not Paula we never have
17:03oh come
17:04off it do you think I was born yesterday I saw last month remember when I grew an extra mouth
17:11after spilling baby bio on me chin I perhaps forgot about the issue before when I went to Turkey
17:19and accidentally married a goat I actually may recall this one when I had an allergic reaction to chlorine that
17:27made me look exactly like Anthony Costa from Blue I filmed an episode of Celebrity Tipping Point that week
17:33I want five grand for a dolphin charity they repeated that episode on ITV quiz the other night you did
17:40so
17:41good yeah thank you giant rinders thick as shit ain't it I guess what I'm trying to say is you
17:48just want to talk to us as
17:50colleagues yeah who respect your privacy and don't pet everything you say in over 300 issues of a
17:55magazine or photoshop you with a bucket of cement stuck to your foot yeah exactly if you ask nicely I'd
18:02let you take a picture
18:05sorry Paula your life is just mad I know not many people have had 47 anal probes
18:12god knows what those aliens are looking for up there but I hope to god they find it
18:24well what are we going to do if we can't print her stuff anymore we're going to have to close
18:28the
18:28magazine down I know it means we'll all lose our jobs but it's the right thing to do agreed agreed
18:34agreed agreed yeah oh my god guys I've had triplets I didn't even know I was pregnant
18:45oh not again sorry call the printers we'll have an issue in an hour bring me up you bastards let's
18:55get this over with
19:05oh
19:10I can never find anything in this thing being there girl have you tried a bag organizer a bag organizer
19:17you heard with my ship shape bag insert I can find anything at a moment's notice
19:23thanks to the ship shapes lightweight feel structured lining and 12 handy compartments
19:28I have my whole life at my own fingertips
19:33that's enough out of you bitch
19:36with a woman on the curb bag organizers are costly and ineffective
19:41plus they make you look like you think you're better than me which you're not
19:45that's why I put my trust in big horrid clump
19:51big horrid clump is the effortless storage solution for fun girls messy girls girls with
19:57complicated friendship groups water damaged passports and infections
20:04since I gave myself over to big horrid clump my possessions have never been so
20:10in a clump what's in my clump charger use tissues a lip gloss that smells weird orange peel retainer
20:17wired headphones I am a lala credit card bloody plasters loose prep rice also rice
20:25positive pregnancy test who's the daddy there's no way of knowing it was an orgy oh
20:31and yogurt
20:34I hope it's yogurt
20:36it's all in the clump
20:39big horrid clump is the only bag organization system that does the work for you
20:44got a lot of crap got a bag just toss it all in there and let the clump times roll
20:50but doesn't that ultimately make your life harder yeah what if you need something from inside the clump what
20:55then I don't know
21:06big horrid clump it is big it is horrid and it is a clump
21:15we don't know why we do it or how to stop it but if we start talking at that thread
21:20we're terrified
21:21of the hell will unleash
21:44secret and I'm Zoe boast and welcome back to qvc's the jewelry store today we're delighted to be joined by
21:51our brand
21:51ambassador full of sparkle gems kirstie frapp how are you kirstie i'm good it's so lovely to be back
21:57lady oh it's lovely to have you back we've missed you oh well it's actually because i've had a few
22:02personal issues which have kept me away i'm sorry to hear that that's okay oh i hope everything's all
22:07right it really is and i'm so excited to be here today to show off this fabulous new collection of
22:15gemstone stacking rings i'm just looking at these pieces kirstie and i'm just thinking they are simply
22:20stunning i'm thinking the exact same thing zoe i'm looking at just thinking how gorgeous absolutely
22:26and if we take a closer look you can see that these stacking rings just
22:36encapsulate the glittering prestige at the heart of the sparkle brand
22:43that really is a beautiful piece what's wrong with my wall now is that gemstone a sapphire
22:54it's actually tanzanite it's tanzanite
22:59and you can just see it twinkle there
23:02i love a stacking ring why is it so long i'm so sorry it grew okay it grew that's the
23:14personal
23:14issue that i've been dealing with now it's taken me a lot of courage to come back here
23:22and do this job but i'm here and i'm doing it have you been to the doctor no
23:30no not yet right and and that's because i've moved house because of the rats
23:37so i need to register with a new dp it's a whole thing
23:42anyway sorry as you were saying anyway it's okay it's all right so i'd like to now show you
23:51some of these breathtaking pieces from the new summer collection okay now the detail on these is simply
24:02they're beautiful pieces like oh my god oh my god what's wrong with that hand i don't know
24:11i don't know so with this hand yes yes i was aware this one no
24:21oh my god should i call 111 yes please yes please right now what what was i saying um so
24:29i think the
24:30detail is just stunning yeah that's it the detail the detail is simply stunning what is wrong with my
24:41fucking hands yeah the detail is unbelievable and and and this can now be yours for an incredible
24:50what's two pounds now plus it's a great price i don't have any signal that's okay i think i'm losing
24:58consciousness now oh well thank you so much for dropping by kirsty hopefully we won't have to wait
25:05too long till we see you next time i reckon it's going to be another big gap before we ever
25:10see her
25:10again oh it will won't it yeah so join us after the break we'll be attempting to vlog you and
25:16neck jacuzzi
25:16that's right it's a jacuzzi for your neck and it ain't cheap see you in a moment
25:36ladies and gentlemen
25:37who signed us
25:40do
25:41do
25:45do
25:50here comes a test
25:54i'm a broken broadcast sister
26:09i'm
26:11don't
26:20do
26:21do
26:22do
26:23do
26:23do
26:25From side to side to side to side
26:32I've been cutting left over here
26:38From side to side to side to side
26:41Too high to high to high to high to high to high to high to high to high
26:47Here comes a crash
26:49I'm moving two directions
26:53I'm moving conversation
26:56Waiting for intersection
26:59I'm on a ticket path
27:02Nobody here is truly free
27:06Consider this an emancipation
27:09From all of my confusion
27:15I've been cutting the echo
27:22From side to side to side to side
27:28I've been cutting the echo
27:30From side to side to side to side
27:37Too high to high to high to high
27:42I've been cutting the echo
27:49Sometimes you just gotta let go
28:13Some things you can't defy
28:16Some things you can't define
28:20Sometimes you can't decide
28:23Do I? Do I?
28:27Some things you can't defy
28:30Some things you can't define
28:33Sometimes you can't decide
28:36Do I? Do I?
28:40Some things you can't define
28:43Some things you can't define
28:46Sometimes you can't decide
28:49Do I, do I
28:53Some things you think to buy
28:56Some things you think to buy
28:59Sometimes you think to buy
29:02Do I, do I
29:30Some things you think to buy
29:36Sometimes you think to buy
29:39Do I, do I
29:42Some things you think to buy
29:45Some things you think to buy
29:48Sometimes you get to say
29:51Do it, do it
30:25It's Weekend Update with Tanya Magliano and Paddy Young
30:38Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young
30:43And I'm Tanya Magliano
30:47This week, the scandal surrounding the vetting of Peter Mandelson
30:50Seen here repurposing his gimp leash
30:54Has engulfed Prime Minister Keir Starmer
30:56Starmer and Mandelson
30:58It's the age-old story of man meets man
31:01Man meets paedophile
31:03Paedophile meets paedophile
31:04Meets paedophile meets paedophile
31:06Man doesn't vet man properly
31:08Man has to resign
31:10Other man ought to resign
31:12Maine paedophile still secretly alive in Tel Aviv
31:16It's a tale as old as time
31:18And it's hard for Starmer
31:19Imagine knowing your colleague is a massive creep
31:22But you continue working with them anyway
31:24So you can keep your career
31:25We call it the Matt Lucas dilemma
31:32As a result of the Mandelson fallout
31:34Civil servant Oli Robbins has been sacked
31:38No!
31:40Not Oli Robbins!
31:42Sir, Oliver Robbins, permanent under Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Developmental Affairs in the United Kingdom
31:51Who's that?
31:54Yep, the mood is now so low in number 10 that Starmer has resorted to confidence-building exercises
31:59You know the one where you stand on a chair full backwards with your eyes closed
32:03And just hope the noose holds
32:09All this comes after allegations that Peter Mandelson leaked secrets to a paedophile
32:14But what we're forgetting is that paedophiles are famously good at keeping secrets
32:19It's their whole thing
32:22Well, not their whole thing
32:27Donald Trump has yet again extended the ceasefire with Iran until peace talks conclude
32:32It's the third time this month that he has backed off from escalating the conflict
32:36Well, at least after being on the cusp of nuclear war so many times
32:41When it finally comes, it's going to feel amazing
32:45The Iran war has caused the price of condoms to go up by 30%
32:50Due to global trade issues
32:52Oh good!
32:53I can't wait to hear the phrase
32:54Sorry babe, I actually can't wear one
32:57It's the Strait of Hormuz
33:01I don't mind there being a condom shortage
33:03Because I have a penis shortage
33:11In a video celebrating what would have been Queen Elizabeth's 100th birthday
33:15King Charles said that his late mother would have been deeply troubled by much in the modern world
33:20Because in the modern world, she's dead
33:26In the video, Charles celebrated his mother's legacy
33:29And we can all agree
33:31The Queen was a figure of courage and dignity right up until the end
33:35When Paddington Bear, Death's tiny henchman, came to collect her
33:40The Peruvian king of the underworld offered her his paw
33:43And escorted her to heaven
33:45Where they reigned together for all eternity
33:48Happy birthday, Mom
33:51This week, former entertainer and entertainer of sixth formers, Russell Brand
33:57Has announced he's running for London Mayor
34:00And the London Mayor's running away
34:03As part of his publicity drive, Russell Brand was interviewed by Piers Morgan yesterday
34:08In a show I'm affectionately calling
34:10Women's Suicide Hour
34:16The NHS is under fire again
34:18With Wes Streeting commenting that female patients feel ignored
34:22Here to comment on the NHS's endemic failure in listening to women is
34:25The woman who can't be ignored
34:30I am the woman who can't be ignored
34:33Don't! Don't! Don't even try it! You! Don't! Come on, boy! Don't look away! Don't do it! Don't do it!
34:40Sorry, what was your name?
34:42Jenny Hesselbo!
34:46Hi, Jenny! Oh, wow! You really can't be ignored!
34:49I know, babe! The minute I walk in the joint!
34:52Da-da! Now!
34:54I don't know the rest of the words, but you try ignoring that intro
34:58It's electric!
35:01How would you advise other women to not be ignored?
35:03Right, big hats and loud farts
35:07Then, own up to these farts
35:09You say, don't look at him! It was me! I made the fart!
35:14And so, when it comes to the NHS, how do you get a doctor to really listen to you?
35:19Yeah, yeah, so, Paddy, when I go to the GP, I knock on the doctor's door
35:22Tappity-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap
35:24Unusual rhythm
35:24Their interest is peaked!
35:28Then I enter the room like this, I go, raya!
35:32And I look the doctor, square in the eyes, and I say, what's up, doc?
35:36Because this is looking absolutely insane
35:39Then I whip my pants off, or maybe I get my foot out and I say, look at this, you
35:42git!
35:45Or...
35:46Or...
35:46Perhaps I'll dance around in my knick-knacks and I'll say, ooh, doctor, it burns!
35:51You know, something exciting
35:54Then I say, write me a prescription, you quack, I bloody dare you, you bastard!
36:00And does that work?
36:02Well, they write me a prescription for something, if you get my driftal!
36:05Don't tell me how to live, just sit and putter!
36:08Hey!
36:09Hey!
36:10Hey!
36:10Hey!
36:11The point is this, right?
36:14I am the...
36:16The point is this!
36:18I am the woman who the NHS cannot ignore!
36:22Joni!
36:22What now, my love?
36:24Joni!
36:26Do you think maybe the fact you're a middle-class white woman helps you not be ignored?
36:31Yeah, it will also be that!
36:33Joni, we've run out of time!
36:35Oh, Paddy, Paddy, listen!
36:36This is a man's world, but it'd be nothing without a woman or a girl!
36:41Whoa!
36:42Joni Esselbaugh, the woman who can't be ignored, everyone!
36:58The new Michael Jackson biopic has been released in cinemas nationwide.
37:03It's the first ever film to be rated 12 and under.
37:08The intended third act of the Jackson biopic, which was to depict the sexual abuse allegations,
37:13has been scrapped for legal reasons, leaving something short and underdeveloped.
37:18It's what he would have wanted.
37:24Kasia Sanderson of Bristol has been jailed for nine years
37:28for smuggling military-grade weapons and Class A drugs into the UK.
37:32Officers searched her car and found three submachine guns,
37:36a Glock handgun, nine pistols, 289 rounds of ammunition
37:41and five kilograms of heroin with a street value of half a million pounds,
37:46making Kasia Sanderson my Woman of the Week.
37:50Tomorrow is the London Marathon, in which 60,000 runners are set to compete.
37:55Here to talk about it is a man who's running the London Marathon!
37:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:02Time to stop on mile nine!
38:05Um, a man who's running the London Marathon, everybody!
38:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:12Disgraced TV chef Greg Wallace has announced that he's moving to Italy.
38:16It's thought he chose Italy because it's the only country shaped like a woman's leg.
38:21LAUGHTER
38:22Once he is integrated into the local community,
38:25Wallace will go by his new Italian name, Gregorio Sexy Pesti.
38:30LAUGHTER
38:32Ellen DeGeneres' building plans for stables at her £22 million home in the Cotswolds
38:37could be at risk over fears of how close the proposed site is to sacred Roman relics.
38:43Fragile, ancient and strangely haunting, Ellen DeGeneres moved to the UK in 2024.
38:49LAUGHTER
38:51This week, Meghan Markle headlined a woman-only retreat in Australia.
38:56It featured sound healing and a manifestation session
38:59where women were encouraged to be their best selves.
39:02Tickets cost around £2,000 and I was sad I couldn't go.
39:06The event would have been perfect for me since I'm a woman and I'm also a fucking idiot.
39:11LAUGHTER
39:14It's been announced that mobile phones are set to be banned in schools,
39:18which means sadly now many PE teachers will have to print off pictures of their penis to send to students.
39:24LAUGHTER
39:26Tsunami waves hit Japan this week after a powerful earthquake struck the country's northern coast.
39:32Scientists are unsure of the exact cause, but initial reports suggest it's because your mum sat down there.
39:38LAUGHTER
39:41An American big game hunter has been crushed to death by a herd of elephants in Central Africa.
39:46Medics on the scene did what they could, but sadly, after seven hours of trying, they just couldn't stop laughing.
39:54LAUGHTER
39:54His body has been taken back to his family where he was laid to rest in the centre of the
39:59living room.
40:00LAUGHTER
40:02And now, it may seem like Britain and the United States have drifted apart.
40:07The special relationship is in trouble and something's happening with the Falklands.
40:12I don't know what that is.
40:14LAUGHTER
40:14We could just keep making jokes about it, but first, we do want to check.
40:18Are you OK?
40:21This is Hand in Hand...
40:25..in Hand...
40:27..with Anya, Paddy and Jimmy.
40:31Our American friend and Weekend Update legend, Jimmy Fallon...
40:35That's me.
40:36..is here to bring our countries back together.
40:38Jimmy, we saw you from across the bar and we really dig your vibe.
40:42We're just two hosts sat next to a more famous host asking him to boost our ratings.
40:50LAUGHTER
40:54Thanks, Paddy. Or Anya.
40:57LAUGHTER
40:58Look, Jimmy, I know America's been seeing a lot of other countries,
41:02but we were your first love.
41:03We've given each other so much.
41:05We gave you Harry Styles.
41:07Yeah, we took your Harry Styles and made Benson Boone.
41:10LAUGHTER
41:11I won flips.
41:13LAUGHTER
41:13And sure, we might not speak the same language,
41:16but with a bit of effort.
41:17You could learn English.
41:19LAUGHTER
41:21And you guys could learn to floss.
41:23Whoa!
41:24Steady on there, Jimmy Lai.
41:25I don't think so.
41:26LAUGHTER
41:27But we still get each other.
41:28I mean, Paddy, you do a great Trump.
41:30And Jimmy, you do the greatest Mick Jagger.
41:33Stabio!
41:35Stabio!
41:38And I can do a duck.
41:40Whack!
41:42Nice!
41:42I think so.
41:43Sure, merging our cultures has gone badly in the past.
41:46Look at Lily Allen's marriage.
41:49LAUGHTER
41:50Sometimes it goes well.
41:51Look at Lily Allen's album.
41:53LAUGHTER
41:54And yes, you may say things differently, but they mean the same thing.
41:57Like, aluminum.
41:58Aluminium.
41:59Parking lot.
42:00Car park.
42:01Epstein.
42:02Andrew.
42:03Epstein.
42:05Mandelson.
42:06LAUGHTER
42:06Epstein.
42:08Stephen Hawking.
42:09LAUGHTER
42:10Stephen Hawking was there?
42:11Stephen Hawking was there.
42:14LAUGHTER
42:14On July the 4th, you celebrate leaving us,
42:17but from this day forward, April the 25th,
42:19will henceforth be known as Codependence Day.
42:22Take that, World Malaria Day!
42:25LAUGHTER
42:26LAUGHTER
42:31Yeah, suck it, Malaria.
42:32Tell them, Jimmy.
42:33So, let's celebrate our nations.
42:36For Britain!
42:37For America!
42:38Whack!
42:38For Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young.
42:40And I'm Anya Magliano.
42:42And I'm Jimmy Fallon.
42:43Good night!
42:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:56Good night!
43:09And I'm Andy.
43:11Thank you, Tim.
43:16Yeah!
43:20Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention please.
43:23I wish we would have better news, but our pilots have fallen unconscious.
43:28But please, please remain calm.
43:31Now I have to ask, does anyone on board have a valid pilot's license?
43:37In that case, does anyone here think they can land a plane?
43:45Right, so that is all the men.
43:50Next question, have any of you done anything even remotely similar to landing a plane?
43:57Do you still think you could?
44:02Well, we need to narrow this down.
44:04So, who here has gotten the closest to landing a plane?
44:08Well, not to get my dick out, but I have been on a jet skate.
44:13Oh, well done bro, it's gonna be you.
44:15Okay, well what we're actually looking for is anything resembling aviation experience.
44:21Well, I have access to the Virgin Atlantic Clubhouse.
44:24Oh my god, that's so cool.
44:27I am afraid of heights though, will that be a problem?
44:29Nah, nah, nah, the closer you get to the ground the less it will be an issue bro.
44:33That's great, we are getting really close, so who's it gonna be?
44:37Well, I literally just watched Top Gun Maverick, so I feel like I'm in the zone.
44:43The danger zone.
44:44Oh!
44:46Oh!
44:47Can I point out that reference doesn't entirely work.
44:50Danger Zone is actually the theme to the first Top Gun.
44:53Maverick's theme is of course Lady Gaga's Hold My Hand.
44:57He should land it, he knows most about planes, sorry bro.
45:01Okay, well can anyone do better than whatever that was?
45:04Well, I'm actually really comfortable driving in France.
45:07All alone.
45:10I got my wife pregnant like first go.
45:13One of them.
45:16Wait a second, hold on, hold on.
45:18I wrote a song called Learn to Fly.
45:22Shut up Dave Grohl.
45:26Because I've got another confession to make.
45:30I have been in a cockpit before.
45:33See, I always knew it'd be you.
45:36That's right.
45:37I was on holiday.
45:39Mykonos, Greece.
45:42Me and me wife, they got ripped off by one of them seafood restaurants.
45:48And they don't tell you that they charge me the gram.
45:52Me wife asked me to confront the waiter.
45:55Give them a piece of my mind.
45:57Simon, please don't do this.
45:58I did, but did, but did.
46:01And what did I do instead?
46:03I just paid the bill.
46:06Pathetic!
46:07She couldn't look me in the eye for the rest of the trip.
46:12Then, can the flight home.
46:14Oh, there's the link.
46:23Just after takeoff, I snuck in the cockpit.
46:28Slept a little something into the pilot's drinks to knock them out cold.
46:33That way it had to be me landing the plane.
46:36No longer the coward in Mykonos.
46:40But the hero in Luton.
46:44Luton!
46:46What I hadn't planned is that all the other men would want to land it too.
46:51Hang on.
46:52We've just come from Mykonos.
46:54Also, you're talking about right now.
46:56So that means you put all these people's lives in danger just for me.
47:03Kesar!
47:04We're gone, mate.
47:05Go on, then.
47:11Thank you for having faith in me.
47:13Take us home.
47:15You've got this, mate.
47:16Go on, son.
47:18Blend that, please.
47:19You're my hero.
47:20You've got this.
47:20You've got this, mate.
47:25You've got this, mate.
47:26We got it?
47:27No.
47:28No idea.
47:30Sorry, everyone.
47:58I was a child actor.
48:03Face on the wall.
48:08Hold my breath as I wait for the curtain to fall.
48:15Was it good enough?
48:19Was it good enough?
48:20Was it ever good enough?
48:23Was it ever good enough?
48:24Anything to be the person that you want?
48:29I was a child actor.
48:34Born to applause.
48:39Wasting away is a trace of the roles I've lost.
48:46Was I good enough?
48:50Was I ever good enough?
48:54Was I ever good enough?
48:54Is it me that they see when the cameras are off?
49:02Won't you?
49:04Turn the cameras off.
49:05Turn the cameras off.
49:09Turn the cameras off.
49:11Turn the cameras off.
49:13Turn the cameras off.
49:15Turn the cameras off.
49:15Turn the cameras off.
49:17Turn the cameras off.
49:17I was a child actor.
49:21The name on the board.
49:26Losing myself as I use someone else's words
49:32Is it true enough?
49:37Is it ever true enough?
49:41Understand who I am when the credits roll
49:48Won't you
49:50Turn the cameras off
50:20Say don't you who I think you are
50:28Say don't you who I think you are
50:36Wherever I've seen your face
50:39Seen your face before
50:43I don't know who you think you are
50:47Turn the cameras off
50:53Turn the cameras off
51:03Turn the cameras off
51:19Turn the cameras off
51:32I was a sharp move actor
51:36Turn the cameras off
52:12I think we got him.
52:14That killer can't hurt us anymore.
52:16Worst hen do ever.
52:20Next time I'm booking a hotel.
52:22Airbnb.
52:23More like scare he and she.
52:26No but seriously, all of our friends are dead.
52:32OK, look, I know I'm late, but before you start, it's not my fault.
52:39Oh my God, you wouldn't believe what's happened to us, Grace.
52:42Oh my God, literally the same for me.
52:44I know I'm late again, but in my defense, I didn't know about the tube strike.
52:48My period pain is insane.
52:50And when I was almost here, I had to go back in an Uber because I had to check I'd
52:54turn my hair straighters off.
52:57We've had the worst night of our lives.
53:00Oh my God, are you guys mad at me?
53:03Really?
53:03Anyway, guys, I feel really attacked.
53:06We've literally been attacked.
53:09Oh, oh my God, I see.
53:12Oh, you invited Katie.
53:15Even though we're not speaking.
53:17She's dead.
53:19OK, yeah, that is sad, but she literally touched my boyfriend's knee at Mighty Hoopla,
53:23and then she was like really curt with me over texts.
53:25Then she had a lot to say about me being late before she was dead.
53:30It honestly never came up.
53:33Oh, wow.
53:34OK, so like no one even noticed that I wasn't here.
53:37Well, I guess it wasn't a surprise because you are always late.
53:41Do you know what was a surprise?
53:44A man jumping out of the cupboard.
53:46OK, here we go.
53:47I literally knew you were mad.
53:49Yeah, of course we're mad!
53:52Look at the ADHD, or is it just CBA?
53:54It is not my fault.
53:56I have always been a late girl.
53:58My mum had to be induced.
54:01If you're going to be late, just say you're going to be late.
54:05We literally have you on fire, my friends.
54:07We know your asses are creams.
54:08I sent a text.
54:11Oh!
54:11Oh!
54:12Wow!
54:12She sent a text.
54:13Oh, wow!
54:14She sent a text.
54:15Yeah!
54:17Oh!
54:17What?
54:19Yeah, obviously!
54:20No signal!
54:21We're in a creepy cabin in the woods!
54:23OK, so it's my fault Susanna's dead.
54:25It's my fault that her head got pulled from her body
54:28like she was being pulled up on stage by Justin Bieber
54:30to be as one less lonely girl.
54:34God, that's funny.
54:37That's exactly where we wish you weren't late, girl.
54:39You are a good crack.
54:41Like, I know it's true.
54:42Look.
54:43You guys, if I'm being honest, I was late because I was literally seeing 824 as the drama.
54:51I got Tracey's blood in my mouth.
54:54Meanwhile, you were at Cineworld Islington nursing a Tango Ice Blast.
55:00You don't need to see the drama, girl.
55:03You are the drama!
55:05Girls, I just feel like every time we hang out, I'm being told off for something.
55:08I'm being late!
55:12Right, sorry to chip in.
55:14So, who are you and why are you getting involved?
55:17I was waiting to gain the strength to jump out and kill you,
55:20but I actually can't sit here and listen to any more of this.
55:24You were late!
55:25Take some accountability!
55:27Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
55:31Ah, Clive, you killed all the people without me.
55:34Go!
55:35Because you are late!
55:4244 seconds with four icons
55:54Apples and oranges, raspberries, watermelon and kiwi fruit
55:58Mangoes and blueberries and loads of grapes
56:00And Epstein didn't kill himself
56:02Green the field that's full of corn
56:04Lit by the light of an English morn
56:06Daffodils bloom at the sky at dawn
56:08And Epstein didn't kill himself
56:10Degas and carrots and peas and yams
56:12Epstein didn't kill himself
56:14Collider of zucchini flowers
56:16Epstein didn't kill himself
56:18Single price of the day he's made
56:20The land and the siege of the world he gave
56:21For killing the twat who stood to gain
56:23From saying his name we must refrain
56:34Rockets spinach and cavil no nero
56:36Rockets spinach and cavil no nero
56:36Epstein didn't kill himself
56:38Red sky at night, shepherd's delight
56:40Epstein did not kill
56:41Him
56:42Sam
56:43Sam
56:47To the couple
56:48Let's love you
56:5344 seconds with four actors
56:57My biggest thanks to the Foo Fighters
57:00Jimmy Smalling
57:01And a huge thank you
57:03The cast, writers, and everyone
57:04On the show for such a great week
57:05I have had the best time
57:06It has been an honor
57:07To host a night
57:08I have had the best time
57:38I have had the best time
58:10No
58:11When
58:14I have had the best time
58:16To host aeri
58:18You
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