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Have I Got News for You S71E04 iP H 264
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00:36Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Sue Perkins. In the news this week, relieved at
00:43surviving yet another humiliating week, Keir Starmer thanks the Cabinet for their enthusiastic support.
00:51LAUGHTER
00:56As queues build at petrol station in Worthing, the owners deployed Terence to ensure only those who are really desperate
01:03will stop for fuel.
01:07LAUGHTER
01:13And in Islington, outside a female friend's house, Boris Johnson has warned that Carrie's come to see what's taking him
01:20so long to walk the dog.
01:22LAUGHTER
01:26Audience team tonight is a stand-up who makes comedy videos on YouTube and TikTok.
01:31So tonight, we'd really like to thank him for making himself available to a much, much smaller audience here on
01:38primetime television.
01:39Please welcome the wonderful Finlay Christie.
01:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:46And on Paul's team tonight is a Sunday Times journalist who recently said,
01:51Just because we trust the BBC, it doesn't mean it can't be biased.
01:55Now, that sounds pretty critical.
01:57But don't worry, we'll change those words around in the edit.
02:01Please welcome Camilla Long.
02:03APPLAUSE
02:07We begin with the bigger news stories this week.
02:09Ian and Finlay, here is yours for starters.
02:13Keir Starmer looking for someone to blame.
02:16Civil servant refusing to answer questions.
02:19Oh, look.
02:19Two things that need vetting.
02:22LAUGHTER
02:24Yes, this is the news that the Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, has survived the crisis over his appointment to Peter
02:29Mandelson as US ambassador
02:30and now will not have to resign until after the elections in a fortnight.
02:36So he blamed the civil servant and the civil servant blamed him.
02:40And they both blamed number 10, which is, like, where Keir lives.
02:45Which is, like, blame number 11.
02:47Yeah.
02:48It was next door. It wasn't me. It was the neighbours.
02:51Yeah, and no-one likes her.
02:52Yeah, no, yeah.
02:55Regarding Mandelson's vetting, what was Morgan McSweeney's suggestion to the Foreign Office?
03:00Well, it involves an explosive.
03:02It does. Could you say it?
03:03No.
03:04Why not?
03:04Give it in mime.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:09Wasn't it just effing do it?
03:11But what's the word?
03:12Yeah, what's the word, Ian?
03:13F...
03:14F...
03:14F...
03:15F...
03:15F...
03:15Sounds like?
03:16Sounds like...
03:17For fuck's sake, make up your mind.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:20Anyway, I didn't do it all night, you've been with it.
03:23APPLAUSE
03:24This was a series of performances, really, by people trying to get away with the fact
03:29that they did appoint Keir Starmer.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:34Who has Starmer hurled with great force under a bus?
03:38Olly Robbins.
03:38Olly Robbins.
03:39This is the permanent under-secretary to the Foreign Office.
03:42Well, not that permanent.
03:43Ironic, yeah.
03:44And his excuse was, I approved the appointment of Peter Mandelson
03:49because I was being bullied by Keir Starmer.
03:53Imagine being bullied by Keir Starmer.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57Yeah, exactly that.
03:58Keir Starmer claims to be furious that Olly Robbins didn't tell him
04:01Peter Mandelson had failed the security vetting.
04:04He should have known since 1998 that there might be a problem.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:08It's a bit much, isn't it, really, to kind of say,
04:11all these people didn't tell me there was a problem,
04:13when he's been told at least three times on the front pages
04:16of the newspaper that it's a problem over the last 26, 28 years.
04:20But this is suggesting that the Prime Minister should keep up
04:23with current affairs.
04:24Mm.
04:25Which is pretty clearly not happening.
04:28I mean, I don't even think that Keir Starmer appointed Peter Mandelson.
04:32Peter Mandelson appointed himself, didn't he?
04:34I mean, I don't think Keir Starmer's evolved at any point.
04:38I think you're right.
04:39I think there was a higher authority who appointed him, Mr Epstein.
04:42Yes.
04:43And the procedure should be really obvious.
04:45Name, Mandelson, no.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49The Prince of Darkness.
04:50That was a giveaway, the name.
04:51I feel like he started that nickname.
04:53It's like, have you heard they're calling me the Prince of Darkness?
04:55Mm-hm.
04:56You're crazy.
04:56Anyway, do you want a new passport?
04:58LAUGHTER
05:00In many ways, wasn't Mandelson the perfect candidate to be US ambassador?
05:05Well, that's what they said, wasn't it?
05:07We were told many times, were we not,
05:08that he was exactly the sort of, you know, creepy arsehole
05:13who needed to go over there to tunnel his way up a load of other...
05:18Anyway.
05:19Um...
05:20LAUGHTER
05:22And they thought he was perfect for it.
05:24And do you know what?
05:25When you put it like that, I think he probably was.
05:27Oh.
05:28Under pressure to convince the House of Commons
05:29that he hadn't misled MPs when he said due process had been followed,
05:33the Prime Minister said this.
05:35Mr Speaker, I know many members across the House
05:39will find these facts to be incredible.
05:42LAUGHTER
05:47He got a bigger laugh than we did.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:51But Olly Robbins' conduct wasn't entirely without fault,
05:54according to Emily Thornberry.
05:56What did she accuse him of doing?
05:58I mean, she repeated the expletive, didn't she?
06:00She did.
06:01Which expletive was that him?
06:04LAUGHTER
06:05She said that he'd not told the Select Committee the whole truth
06:08when he'd last been there, and she did it in this way.
06:10You clearly told us the truth, but you only told us part of the truth.
06:14And, um, it's a little bit like, you know, saying,
06:18I had to run to work today, but not saying that you were chased by a bear.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:24LAUGHTER
06:27Meanwhile, during the House of Commons, uh, debate,
06:30uh, Reform's Bobby Jenrick really made an impression
06:32on the MP sitting behind him.
06:34But why is it that he only ever seems to get angry
06:36when he's trying to save his own skin?
06:39Yes.
06:39Is he not angry about the 600 men
06:41who crossed the English Channel on small boats on Saturday?
06:44LAUGHTER
06:44Is he not angry about the people who are queuing up
06:47to queue at the forecourt?
06:49LAUGHTER
06:50LAUGHTER
06:53LAUGHTER
06:53I think that should be the go-to response
06:55any time somebody mentions Robert Jenrick.
06:58LAUGHTER
06:59LAUGHTER
07:00It's been reported that Ollie Robbins could be due a payout of...
07:03£85 million.
07:04£340 grand.
07:05£340 grand, that's not bad, is it?
07:06Not bad.
07:07Yeah, it's all right.
07:07Who is footing the bill for all...
07:09We are.
07:10We are.
07:10We are.
07:11How is it divided between us?
07:13LAUGHTER
07:15I'm not even being paid for this now.
07:17I'm...
07:19Surely you're on a student loan scheme.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23On Friday, a secret meeting took place.
07:26Who met?
07:27Is this Angela Rayner and...
07:30Andy Burnham.
07:30Andy Burnham.
07:31All the people who want Keir's job.
07:33God, why?
07:34Mm.
07:35Even Keir doesn't want Keir's job.
07:38Then why is he staying in his job?
07:40I don't know, because Peter Mandelson told him to.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:45So, yeah, Andy Burnham snuck round to Angela Rayner's home.
07:49I'm not sure which home, but one of the homes.
07:51One of the...
07:52LAUGHTER
07:53The sun showed this picture of Andy Burnham arriving,
07:57seemingly capturing him in the form of an oil painting.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:02So, either Andy Burnham or the girl with a pearl earring
08:04has just gone to Specsavers.
08:06LAUGHTER
08:06He appears to be wearing some sort of bonnet.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:10What has senior Labour MP Sarah Champion had to say
08:14about the week's shenanigans?
08:16It's sick.
08:17Mm.
08:18She said,
08:19People don't like Keir on the door,
08:21but it's not over this Mandelson thing.
08:22Good news.
08:23Yeah.
08:24She went on.
08:25They don't like him personally.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:29Finally, in Turkey,
08:31Orhan Avca has just been elected
08:33district chairman of the Khuzur party.
08:35He's become an immediate social media hit.
08:39Let's see if we can spot why.
08:41LAUGHTER
08:44Wow.
08:45Has anyone seen my kitten?
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48You got the wrong hair transplant.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:53Well, that's Turkey for you, isn't it?
08:56LAUGHTER
08:57He was approached for a comment, but quite simply couldn't give one.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:04This is the Prime Minister's ongoing problems with Peter Mandelson.
09:08Reform UK's Lee Anderson was ejected from the Commons for calling Keir Starmer a liar,
09:12adding,
09:13That man couldn't lie straight in bed.
09:15LAUGHTER
09:16Unlike Mandelson, who has to lie straight.
09:18Otherwise, he wouldn't fit in his coffin.
09:22LAUGHTER
09:23When Peter Mandelson was sacked, he was given a £75,000 payoff.
09:28Great.
09:29He can finally buy some trousers.
09:32LAUGHTER
09:35Paul and Camilla, here's yours.
09:37Yes.
09:37She's back!
09:40LAUGHTER
09:40Yay!
09:43You can just suck off, will you?
09:44Just get out of here.
09:46I owe you this man.
09:49That's Charlton Athletic.
09:50And there's...
09:51Anyway, I can't...
09:52Look, I'll just leave it.
09:53Just leave it.
09:54Just leave it.
09:55Just leave it, will you?
09:57LAUGHTER
09:57So, what occasion...
09:59100th anniversary of the Queen's birth.
10:01Exactly that, yes.
10:03And it was solemnly marked with this post.
10:06Here it is.
10:07On the 100th anniversary of her birth, we still miss her.
10:12But it was her fault.
10:13Grim Reaper.
10:14LAUGHTER
10:16If she'd made it to 100, would she have to have write herself a letter?
10:19LAUGHTER
10:20It wasn't even a letter.
10:21My nan got one, she was very disappointed.
10:23Yeah, it was just, like, inkjet printed with a sort of photocopied...
10:27It wasn't a wet signature, it was a, yeah...
10:29You know, she died of boredom shortly afterwards.
10:32LAUGHTER
10:33Genuinely, she'd been holding out for that.
10:34She's out, it's shit, innit?
10:37LAUGHTER
10:39Am I the only person who thinks it's a little bit strange
10:42to celebrate her birthday every year now, even though she's dead?
10:47There was that strange moment when the body had been taken to Buckingham Palace
10:50and the news people were saying,
10:52she just spent her last night in Buckingham Palace.
10:55But she was dead.
10:56Yeah.
10:57Yeah, very strange.
10:58LAUGHTER
10:58What limited-edition souvenir of this solemn centenary
11:03is now available for just £289?
11:07Oh, I know what it is.
11:08It's a bear dressed up as the Queen.
11:09It's a Queen teddy bear.
11:11I knew I'd ordered it.
11:12Yeah.
11:13So, here it is.
11:14This is what you get, there it is.
11:15Who might be interested in this?
11:17Someone who's got a collection of teddies, Riff.
11:19Oh, Prince Andrew.
11:20Charles Brandriff.
11:20That's Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
11:22Windsor, of course.
11:23Oh, not Charles Brandriff.
11:24According to the German news outlet Bilt,
11:26his current collection of more than 60 teddies is in storage for...
11:33..practical reasons.
11:35I think for their own safety.
11:37LAUGHTER
11:38And he's only been joined to date by his solitary cuddly monkey.
11:44That is no way to talk about Sarah Ferguson.
11:46LAUGHTER
11:48Who is in Room 101?
11:51Fergie.
11:52Mm.
11:52She's been finally spotted.
11:54They tracked her down to an Austrian chalet.
11:57Mm.
11:58And nobody knows how she's funding this.
12:01No, it's £2,000 a night.
12:02It's a lot.
12:02Yeah.
12:03I mean, the things that Fergie does to raise money,
12:05if you literally do anything...
12:08That's probably how she's getting the £2,000 a night.
12:10LAUGHTER
12:12What TV show might she be appearing on?
12:15Is it Crime Watch?
12:17LAUGHTER
12:18It should be Crime Watch.
12:20Love Island, but it's a different island.
12:22LAUGHTER
12:23Oh, no, I know what this is.
12:25Is she going to do some kind of Netflix tell-all or something like that?
12:28Is that it?
12:28It's sort of, yes.
12:29It's a documentary about her relationship with Epstein.
12:32Ah.
12:33Yes.
12:33Oh, you'd watch.
12:35Yeah.
12:37Where have Harry and Meghan been?
12:39Australia.
12:39Yes, they have, indeed.
12:41Do you know what they've been doing there?
12:42Walking around.
12:44Yep.
12:45Boosting the brand.
12:47According to one Melbourne professor,
12:48the Harry and Meghan brand has two arms.
12:51Charity work and commercial endeavours.
12:54One arm just much, much, much longer than the other.
12:58LAUGHTER
12:59All trailing massive arm.
13:01Scooping up honey.
13:02Is it?
13:04And the other one holding out sucker to the paw.
13:09LAUGHTER
13:12LAUGHTER
13:15LAUGHTER
13:15APPLAUSE
13:17APPLAUSE
13:20The plus obviously followed the pair of them everywhere,
13:22which was bad news for one beach-goer who'd picked a very nice quiet spot.
13:31LAUGHTER
13:35What did she host last weekend, Meghan?
13:37Oh, was it a sort of weird Gwyneth Paltrow-style symposium?
13:41Yes.
13:42Yeah, it was...
13:43It was about two grand, wasn't it?
13:45$1,700, if you get the VIP experience.
13:47OK.
13:47Your money bought you a powerful women's coaching session, yoga,
13:51meditation and manifestation, sound feeling and in-person conversation
13:54with Meghan the Duchess of Sussex.
13:56Plus a gala dinner, including all alcohol.
14:00And you would need all...
14:03LAUGHTER
14:05All alcohol.
14:07On the menu was kingfish tostada, there was a vanilla burrata
14:10and riverina tenderloin.
14:13Didn't you go to school with riverina tenderloin?
14:16LAUGHTER
14:17Now, for important reasons of balance, we should also point out
14:20Prince William is also a shameless grifter.
14:24LAUGHTER
14:27Where does his money come from?
14:29Duchy of Cornwall.
14:30And that includes what kind of institution within the portfolio
14:32of properties?
14:33Dartmoor Prison.
14:34Exactly right.
14:35Which is empty.
14:36Empty for 20 months now.
14:38And do you know how much he's received in rent?
14:39Over a billion pounds.
14:41I don't know.
14:422.5 million pounds.
14:44And he's refusing to say how much he's paid in tax.
14:48The prison has been described as rat-infested and abandoned.
14:51And perfect for Uncle Andrew.
14:55LAUGHTER
15:00This is the party for members of the public at Buckingham Palace
15:04to celebrate what would have been the Queen's 100th birthday.
15:08It's emerged that days before the Queen died,
15:10she met with her horse-racing advisor, John Warren,
15:13to discuss a breeding programme.
15:15John recalled,
15:15After Her Majesty died, I took the mating plan to the King and Queen.
15:20Camilla was fluttered but said she didn't think her back was up to it.
15:23And she didn't think she would have been the first time.
15:27Prince William earned £2.5 million from renting out Dartmoor Prison
15:31despite a recent survey revealing it contains radioactive gas
15:35leaking from rocks containing high levels of uranium.
15:38And we are just hearing that Donald Trump has launched a full-scale
15:42invasion of Devon.
15:45So we marched around to the picture spin quiz.
15:49Fingers on buzzers.
15:50Teams, your finger isn't even on the buzzer, Ian.
15:54Do you think it's telepathy that's going to draw you into the next round?
15:58You'd think, after all these years, I've twinked.
16:01Oh!
16:03Right.
16:08Is it that robot marathon?
16:10Yes, well done.
16:12The robot half marathon, in fact, not a full marathon.
16:14It was held in Beijing.
16:16And this year, the big news was...
16:18They were faster than humans.
16:20The winning time was 50 minutes and 26 seconds, yes.
16:24That beats the fastest human time by six minutes.
16:28Let's have a look at the winner of this half marathon.
16:30Yes.
16:30Right, this is a robot called Lightning crossing the line.
16:40It looks like a 19th-century highwayman.
16:44LAUGHTER
16:46So why wearing the Centrillion sort of boater?
16:50Yeah.
16:51Mind you, look at the crowds that have gathered to watch it.
16:54LAUGHTER
16:57Do you welcome your robotic overlords?
17:000-1-0-0-1-0.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:02It would be terrible when we have to live with them and then they go around the office being like,
17:06I'm doing a sponsored marathon.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10Just to reassure ourselves that the robot revolution isn't quite here yet,
17:13there were plenty of rubbish ones too.
17:15Mm.
17:17LAUGHTER
17:22LAUGHTER
17:26LAUGHTER
17:27LAUGHTER
17:27I'm sorry.
17:29LAUGHTER
17:30That one's pissed.
17:31It's crazy.
17:33LAUGHTER
17:36I don't know why we're all laughing, this is exactly how we'd all run marathons.
17:42LAUGHTER
17:42This is the news that a robot has beaten the human half marathon record.
17:47Though the good news for humanity is that the robot was later disqualified after testing positive for WD-40.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:55Time now for the on-one-out round.
17:57Just one between you this week.
17:59An arts exhibition in Bruges.
18:01Dinner on the USS Abram Lincoln, a Highland cow and June from Kent sausage roll.
18:07It's something to do with meat.
18:09The dinner on the USS Abram, there was barely any meat in the meals.
18:12Small portions.
18:13Small portions.
18:14Right.
18:15Yeah, the Highland cow apparently hasn't got enough meat on it.
18:19In that gallery, it looks like there's loads of sausages or meat hanging up at the back.
18:23Maybe there was too much meat.
18:25And what about the roll?
18:26Well, the roll presumably didn't have enough meat as well.
18:29What, so you're saying there's not enough meat on any of them except the art gallery?
18:32Except there was too much meat.
18:34It is about food.
18:35I'd say the...
18:37LAUGHTER
18:37I'm not giving you that.
18:38I'd say the...
18:39That's not very near then, is it?
18:41The sausage roll's got no meat in it, clearly.
18:43And everything else has meat involved in it, apart from the sausage rolls.
18:47The sausage rolls, the odd one out.
18:48I think you need to sort of...
18:49The meat fixation can take a back seat.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:52They've all proved impossible to resist, apart from the dinner on the USS Abraham Lincoln.
19:00To boost morale in the months before the war, Pete Hegseth spent $9 million just
19:05on crab's legs and lobster.
19:07Stocks, however, have run a little low now, and so marines are currently eating this.
19:12Oh!
19:13LAUGHTER
19:13Well, that's clearly part of a shoe.
19:15Yeah.
19:17Is the fork part of the dinner, or is that an implement?
19:20I think that's where they get their iron from.
19:22Oh, yes.
19:23Of course, there is a vegetarian option.
19:26Carrots.
19:28Still, those guys at least have got Mexican night to look forward to.
19:33LAUGHTER
19:34The Highland Cows, who finds them irresistible?
19:38Oh, tourists, I have read this.
19:40Oh, yes, they can't stop photographing them.
19:42Peak District farmer Andy Birch has complained that his herd of Highland cows
19:45are constantly being pestered by influencers.
19:48Feeding, hugging and petting the cows.
19:51Yeah, they're all over TikTok.
19:53Are they?
19:53Highland cows, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:54It's like, it's cottagecore.
19:56Yes.
19:56So it's like taking pictures of cows and being like,
19:58oh, it's kind of my countryside cottagecore, you know, dream.
20:03What's Andy doing to stop the influencers?
20:04It's putting them in a different bit, isn't it?
20:07Moving the cows on.
20:08Field.
20:09Yeah.
20:11Yes.
20:14I'm pretty cottagecore, too.
20:18It meant something else in my day, cottage.
20:24Has he tried to make them more ugly in some way,
20:27so people won't take pictures of them?
20:28Yes, what he's done is outbreed his cows' good looks
20:31by crossing them with a less photogenic breed.
20:34No.
20:34It's a real long game, that, isn't it?
20:36Real.
20:37Who couldn't resist a bite of June from Kent sausage roll?
20:41It would be a seagull or something.
20:42Yeah, it's a red kite.
20:44So when this picture of the red kite holding a sausage roll
20:48recently appeared online,
20:49John Oxenham immediately recognised it
20:52as one of his mother-in-law, June's.
20:56Why is he so sure that the kite had one of June's sausage rolls?
21:00It died shortly after.
21:04I was in the country once and there was a bird flying up high
21:06and my wife, Suki, we were talking to the landlady of the pub
21:09and she said, look at that bird up there.
21:10She said, I think it's a kite.
21:11And the landlady said, no, no, I think it's a real bird.
21:16Well, John said, you can see it with my mother's sausage roll
21:19because they're pale in colour.
21:21Do you reckon you can spot June's sausage roll in a line-up?
21:24Absolutely, 100%.
21:25I knew you were the man at this.
21:27Let's have a look.
21:27Which one is it?
21:31No, I can't tell from that.
21:33No.
21:34According to RSPB Scotland,
21:36the red kite usually feeds on roadkill and worms.
21:39But when they're not available,
21:41it will lower itself to eating one of June's sausage rolls.
21:45Poor June.
21:47Finally, what is it about the art exhibition in Bruges
21:49that was impossible to resist?
21:51Did people eat the exhibits?
21:52They did eat the exhibits.
21:54Oh.
21:54It was made entirely of sausages.
21:56Mm-hm.
21:56The sausages were made using the cheapest offcuts from pig,
21:59which was then mounted on a wall.
22:01And that's the last thing the art world needs.
22:03More stuck-up arseholes.
22:11They've all proved impossible to resist,
22:14apart from dinner on the USS Abraham Lincoln.
22:17There have been complaints from American troops
22:19about tasteless and unappetising food being served.
22:22Sources on board would have improved things no end.
22:29Time now for the missing words round,
22:31which this week features as its guest publication,
22:34Silly Now and Then.
22:35The top magazine in the aisles of Silly.
22:38I actually know the editor rather well,
22:39William, or as he's known, Silly Billy.
22:43And we're going to start with...
22:46..German man receives complaint from neighbour for what too loudly?
22:52Following orders.
22:54LAUGHTER
22:57You see, it's a generational thing.
22:59He just can't let the wall lie.
23:02Well, I was going to say marching into Poland,
23:04but I won't say that.
23:06I won't say it.
23:07It's actually...
23:08..German man receives complaint from neighbour
23:10for pounding his schnitzel too loudly.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:21He now faces a long sentence,
23:24as the word for that offence in German is...
23:33Best.
23:35The shopper who bought what online
23:37disappointed to receive what instead?
23:40Shopper who bought fast food online
23:42disappointed to receive one of June's sausage rolls.
23:45LAUGHTER
23:46Poor June.
23:47It actually...
23:48Shopper who bought perfume online
23:50disappointed to receive horse urine.
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54Yeah, but dab it behind your ears
23:55and you'll be followed by a horse all day.
23:58Another risky purchase online is, of course, a ladder.
24:00When they fail, they fail catastrophically,
24:05said Peter Bennett,
24:06who is the ladder association's executive director.
24:09So, pretty high up.
24:11LAUGHTER
24:12Next.
24:13Silly man fondly reminisces about the time he what?
24:18He caught the eye of a girl with golden hair
24:20and a winning smile as she swept past him on a zip wire
24:22one fine January morning in 1978.
24:25LAUGHTER
24:26Never forgotten it.
24:30This is a hard one.
24:32Silly man fondly reminisces about the time
24:34he found a big piece of wood and took it home.
24:39Guest checking in at hotel, surprised to find...
24:43What?
24:43Lenny Henry in the bedroom.
24:45LAUGHTER
24:47It's guest checking in at hotel, surprised to find...
24:50..a 13-foot crocodile...
24:52LAUGHTER
24:52..at reception desk.
24:55And here is the crocodile at the hotel in Zimbabwe.
24:58BUZZER
25:00BUZZER
25:00BUZZER
25:02BUZZER
25:02BUZZER
25:03BUZZER
25:03BUZZER
25:03BUZZER
25:04BUZZER
25:05BUZZER
25:08BUZZER
25:11Why on earth are they filming and chatting
25:13and not running away?
25:16The dangerous predator appeared at the hotel reception desk
25:20but did not gain access to any guest rooms
25:23as it wasn't a travel lodge.
25:27Next.
25:28Salmon on cocaine what?
25:31Joins Oasis.
25:32LAUGHTER
25:33Swims faster and further than non-coke salmon.
25:37I'll give you that, yes.
25:38It is right.
25:38Salmon on cocaine, swim twice as far as normal.
25:42Yeah, this is extraordinary. Really?
25:44Yeah, the last mile isn't actually even water, they just whoosh.
25:47LAUGHTER
25:49According to scientists, 80,000 lines of cocaine
25:54pollute the Thames each day.
25:56In fact, the Thames is so full of coke that when the tide goes out,
25:59it doesn't come back until seven in the morning.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:03That's so good.
26:04Lastly, all my life I've had jokes made about my name, says Andy what?
26:10Burnham.
26:11LAUGHTER
26:13No, it's Mountbatten-Windsor.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:16I know this, yeah, it's my cock.
26:19It is absolutely, and this is genuinely, genuinely true.
26:24His mother is called Pat. No.
26:26And his brother... LAUGHTER
26:29His brother... LAUGHTER
26:32And his brother is called... Paul.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:37I had to change my name because of equity.
26:39LAUGHTER
26:42Let's have a big hand...
26:43No, go on.
26:45Yeah, go on then.
26:46Give a big hand from my cock.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:49That's what I've stopped myself saying to you.
26:51I've stopped myself saying that, and you've got the laugh I could have had.
26:54LAUGHTER
26:55I could have put that laugh in the bank.
26:57So, final scores are...
26:59Oh, no.
26:59Oh, no.
27:00Ian and Finlay have three.
27:01Oh, it's humiliating.
27:02And Paul and Camilla have eight points.
27:04Well done.
27:05APPLAUSE
27:07But before we go, it's just time for the captioned competition.
27:11Paul and Camilla have this.
27:15Mickey Mouse officially opens disappointing new attraction
27:17at Disney World.
27:19LAUGHTER
27:22Ian and Finlay get that.
27:25Oh, this is David Attenborough's first documentary.
27:28LAUGHTER
27:29And here's a bonus for all of you.
27:31OK.
27:32I've said it before and I'll say it again.
27:33These incontinence pads are useless.
27:36LAUGHTER
27:40On which note, we say thank you to our palace, Ian Hislop and Finlay Christie,
27:44Paul Merton and Camilla Long, and I leave you with news that,
27:47after leaving Mission Impossible behind him,
27:50Tom Cruise is determined to keep up his high-octane lifestyle
27:53by taking up a new hobby.
27:59In Washington, there's excitement at one eating establishment,
28:02as the kids' meal includes a cheeseburger and fries.
28:10And on Martha's Vineyard, Rupert Murdoch belies his age
28:14as he enjoys a day out at the beach with his family.
28:21Good night.
28:34APPLAUSE
28:35If you've ever wondered why mini-gherkins are now harder to find than ever,
28:38the news quiz is the one for you on Sounds.
28:41Next, tonight on BBC One, how do you think a double date will play out
28:44for Conor and Jock?
28:45Stay with me for the hilarious Young Offenders.
28:47APPLAUSE
28:51APPLAUSE
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