- 10 hours ago
Hacks S05E03 (2026)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:10Oh, God, I think I've got an ace in the hole.
00:12Okay, well, it's not exactly the most practical ensemble.
00:16Practical doesn't get you pressed.
00:17I need something that gives Madison Square Garden a headliner
00:20and also a timeless, humble sex icon.
00:23Hmm, I always wonder what Machiavelli would have been like
00:25if he'd been warped by boomer misogyny.
00:27Ladies and gentlemen,
00:30Nico Hayes, the Palmetto's newest artist in residence.
00:38I know it's, like, obvious to say that an international rock star is hot,
00:41but, like, he's hot.
00:43Deborah?
00:44Hi.
00:44Would you like to do the carpet?
00:46Oh, me?
00:48I'm kind of shy, but sure, I'll try it.
01:06How are you feeling about Marty's wedding?
01:08Oh, it's kind of like a colonoscopy.
01:10They happen every five years, they're a pain in the ass,
01:12but I'm passed out for most of it.
01:14Deborah.
01:15Hi.
01:15Lookin' aces.
01:17Hi.
01:18Oh, my gosh, we were just talking about your big day.
01:20Ah, yeah, well, Victoria wanted to keep it small,
01:22but I said, baby,
01:24this might be my last one.
01:25Let's blow it out.
01:27Might.
01:27Oh, nothing says love like a subjunctive bird.
01:31Congratulations on your show at Madison Square Garden.
01:34Oh, thank you.
01:35I miss New York.
01:37To be young again.
01:39I just can't picture you young.
01:42So sorry.
01:43I have to go say bonjour to the mini cheeseburgers.
01:46I'll see you guys.
01:47She calls the mini because that way it seems normal when she's five.
01:52Oh, sorry.
01:54You can have it.
01:55Oh.
01:56Yeah, totally.
01:57Really appreciate it.
01:58I live with a woman who doesn't believe in having snacks in the house,
02:01so needed this.
02:02You got it.
02:03I love the tie.
02:04Very cool.
02:06I got it at the men's section at the Ross Dress for Less on the Strip.
02:09Oh, never been.
02:10Oh, you must go.
02:12Okay, I'll check it out.
02:14You might want to ever eat your eyes.
02:15I'm going to eat this really fast.
02:17I kind of want to watch.
02:18Okay, freak.
02:21Oh, my God.
02:23You think they'll let me play blackjack in this thing?
02:25Oh, Debra.
02:27Yes, this dress.
02:28Marty, no scotch?
02:30No, I need to stay short for these young VC guys
02:32who just bought the Palmetto Group.
02:33They're obsessed with hitting their macros and biohacking.
02:37There's so many new terms for eating disorders.
02:40They're dead, literally.
02:41So what are they like?
02:42Just young.
02:43Great guys.
02:44They're, uh, what do they call it?
02:46Strategically editing.
02:47Meaning they're offloading properties,
02:49like the Paradiso downtown.
02:51What?
02:51No, that casino's legendary.
02:53My grandma lost her retirement there.
02:55I mean, she'll be protected as a historical landmark.
02:57I agree, but it's above my pay grade now.
03:01Okay, they're coming this way.
03:02I got to go.
03:03Marcus, what's a cool app I can bring up?
03:05Um, Chase Mobile Banking.
03:07Okay.
03:09Hi, Debra.
03:10Nico is a huge fan.
03:11He's wondering if you have a moment to meet him.
03:13Oh, certainly.
03:14Okay, right.
03:15Excuse me, Tom.
03:18I almost wore that.
03:19So first she dates Jim Carrey in the mask, green.
03:23And then Fiona's dating Shred Green.
03:25I'm going, what is happening here?
03:26Are you saying that Cameron Diaz has a green guy fetish?
03:28I'm not saying she's a fetish,
03:30but I'm saying if it happens again,
03:31then something's afoot.
03:32Isn't she in the green Hornet?
03:34Oh my God.
03:35This goes all the way to the top.
03:38Sorry, have a sec.
03:39Um, oh.
03:41No, I have to go.
03:42Oh.
03:43Sorry.
03:44It was nice meeting you.
03:46You too, yeah.
03:48See ya.
03:49Uh, okay.
03:50I'm sorry.
03:51Um, I think you're really cute.
03:53Do you want to get a drink sometime?
03:55Yeah.
03:56Yeah.
03:56Yeah.
03:58I've said it enough times.
03:59Yes.
04:00Okay.
04:00Uh, I, I, I feel like I need to be up front with you
04:04because it's been kind of an issue in the past with dating.
04:07Um, I'm a sex worker.
04:11That is awesome.
04:12Really?
04:12Yeah, really.
04:13That is totally rocking for sure.
04:15Oh my God.
04:16I've been saying sex workers work forever.
04:18I wasn't the first one to say it,
04:19but that was definitely in the first thousand.
04:21Okay.
04:22Then.
04:23Cool.
04:23Cool.
04:23Yeah.
04:24Um, do you want to?
04:25Yeah.
04:25Yeah.
04:25I'll put my number in.
04:27Oh, and, um, I, I should be up front with you as well.
04:31Well, I am a comedy writer and that has been an issue for me when it comes to dating just
04:36because we can be annoying.
04:38Damn.
04:39So, you're almost perfect.
04:41I'm excited to meet you right this way.
04:44Nico, this is Debra.
04:46Debra, Nico.
04:47Hi.
04:48It is so nice to meet you.
04:49I've been a huge fan since you did this.
04:50Oh, please.
04:51If you're going to name an event that happened after 1990, don't finish that sentence.
04:54Fair enough.
04:55But it's nice to meet someone who I admire so much in person.
04:59Well, it's nice to meet a fellow Lancome ambassador.
05:02And congratulations on your residency.
05:05You know, I wouldn't be doing any of this if it wasn't for you.
05:08Oh, come on.
05:09Seriously.
05:09Before you did a residency, Vegas was just magicians and acrobats.
05:13You made it cool for artists.
05:17Yeah, and then my...
05:18Oh, don't say history.
05:20Icons.
05:25Welcome to Vegas.
05:27Can we get a picture?
05:29Yeah.
05:39Change disassociating to reclining elegantly and change sweatpants to cashmere slacks.
05:46Okay, so in Singapore you were so depressed you were reclining elegantly in cashmere slacks?
05:51Yeah, that's how I remember it.
05:53Me too.
05:54Oh, great.
05:54It's Jimmy.
05:55Hello, hello.
05:56Hello.
05:57So I got a very interesting request.
05:59Nico Hayes' publicist called and said that Nico would love to take you out to dinner.
06:04Oh.
06:04Yeah, there are photos of you guys from last night that are breaking the internet.
06:07I mean, not literally.
06:08Though my Wi-Fi is slow today.
06:11Anyway, there's already a hashtag.
06:12People are calling you guys Nikora.
06:14How interesting.
06:15I do want to flag that I'm not pressuring you in any way into any sort of sexual situation.
06:21It's very important to me that you have your own private, intimate, sensual life and that I have no influence
06:26over that.
06:26And as a matter of safety, I am recording this conversation.
06:29Jimmy, he's not asking me out on a real date.
06:31He's just trying to get attention for his new residency.
06:34It's a PR stunt date.
06:35I'm very shrewd of him.
06:36And since I'm still bound and gagged, I need all the free publicity I can get.
06:40So yeah, tell her I'm in.
06:41Okay, great.
06:42You two can talk shop performer to performer.
06:44You know what I always say.
06:46Stars, they're just like each other.
06:48Oh, while I have you, do you want to be a guest on a Xena rewatch podcast?
06:52I have a fake date.
06:54I know.
06:54You take every call on speakerphone directly next to your head.
07:02With these beings removed, the ceiling just opens up.
07:05Smells like dust.
07:06You know, I hate it when you say we're going to the gym and then you just bring me on
07:10a tour of some old-ass building.
07:11I've only done that three times.
07:13Besides, this is different.
07:13They're going to tear down one of the only historic casinos left in Vegas.
07:16I mean, with a little work, this could be such a cool space for people who want to stay somewhere
07:20different.
07:20Like what the Ace did in Palm Springs.
07:22I love the slippers there.
07:24Like a blowjob for the feet.
07:26Okay, so you want me to go around knocking on walls?
07:28Yeah, but in a real mask way.
07:30Trust me, it prevents price gouging.
07:32Here she comes.
07:33Hi, I'm so sorry, Emily.
07:35I thought I found a lump in my breast.
07:36It turned out it was a dry glass of the feet in my bra.
07:39Hi, Meredith.
07:39Marcus, and that's such good news.
07:42Wow.
07:44Well, you like what you see?
07:46I really do.
07:47I think this is such a special property, and I would hate to see it turn to a parking lot.
07:50I agree completely.
07:52We are on the same page.
07:55What do you say, 6'2"?
07:566'4".
07:57Oh, my God.
07:59My ex, 5'5".
08:01It was like walking around with a minion.
08:03So I was going through the archives, admiring the marble floors before the reno.
08:06Do you know if they're still underneath the carpet?
08:08You know what?
08:09Here's my motto.
08:10If they don't disclose, I don't stick my nose.
08:12Okay, so I have no idea.
08:13But for you, I might stick my nose somewhere.
08:17Okay.
08:17All right, here's the deal.
08:18I find you very attractive, and I'd like you to take me out on Friday.
08:23Okay?
08:24Oh, that clunkity-clunk?
08:27Oh.
08:27That's a red flag, brother.
08:29Um, I think we're going to need, like, another 10% off, probably.
08:32Who's this?
08:32This is my friend, Wilson.
08:34He asked him to check out the property with me.
08:36So.
08:39Is this your boyfriend?
08:40No.
08:40I mean, we used to date, but now we're just better off as friends.
08:43Oh, my God.
08:44I'm so embarrassed.
08:45Oh, don't be.
08:46I'm sorry.
08:46Encroached on your territory.
08:47My bad.
08:48Will you forgive me?
08:49Yeah, you're good.
08:49Okay, how about this?
08:50Only thing better than a date this weekend is two gay guys to hang out with.
08:54Guacamole?
08:55Chips?
08:56Friday?
08:57Um...
08:57Do you want this fucking place or not?
08:59Yes.
08:59Let's go, guys!
09:01This way.
09:01Let me show you upstairs.
09:02Oh, wait.
09:04This way.
09:05You need to tell me I know what's on your mind.
09:08Deborah?
09:09I'm in my closet!
09:11You need to tell me I know what's on your mind.
09:18Hey!
09:19What's up?
09:20Do you have a fair tweezers, I could borrow?
09:22I've been waiting for this day.
09:25Okay, are we going between the brows or we start from the ground up with a big toe?
09:28I have a splinter.
09:32God, there was something so exciting about getting ready for a date with a man.
09:36Maybe it's the tiny threat of being killed at the end of the night.
09:40Well, mine's not really a date.
09:42It's publicity, so it's more of a work function.
09:45Why are you so sure it's not a real date?
09:47Maybe he's legitimately into you.
09:48Even if he was, I'm not into him.
09:50He's not my type.
09:51He's just too young and pretty.
09:52I'm the pretty one.
09:54Yeah.
09:55Anyway, what are you going to wear on your date?
09:56Oh.
10:00This.
10:03Go ahead.
10:03That looks like something that my grandson would wear so that he could poop out the back.
10:07God, I wish.
10:08He's so convenient.
10:10All right.
10:10I'll text you after the date.
10:12Cool.
10:14Thanks.
10:14Bye, girl.
10:18Hi, doll.
10:19How's my favorite paparazzo?
10:20Sensational.
10:21We still on for tonight?
10:22Oh, yeah.
10:23Daily meal's already chomping at the bed for these pigs.
10:25Great.
10:26I'd say I'd get my good side, but I paid to have them both be good.
10:38Hi.
10:39Hello.
10:40You look beautiful.
10:42Ditto.
10:43I think we have the same stylist.
10:45Well, it looks better on you.
10:48Good evening.
10:49Hi.
10:50Cell phones?
10:51I love it here.
10:51I put a sticker on your camera so nobody can take any photos.
10:54It's discreet.
10:54It's private.
10:55We can relax.
10:56That's great.
10:58I've been looking forward to this all day.
11:00Me too.
11:03Okay, follow me.
11:04After you.
11:13Oh, um, sorry.
11:14I just want to clarify something.
11:16Just FYI, I don't expect us to hook up tonight just because you're a sex worker.
11:19Just like you wouldn't expect me to, like, write a monologue joke for you.
11:22Just saying.
11:23I don't expect you to blow my back out.
11:26Yeah.
11:26But it's not work if you love what you do.
11:29Oh, right.
11:30Okay.
11:31I love that.
11:32But, um, in general, though, that phrase is kind of like a capitalist propaganda message
11:36to get people to, like, self-identify with their labor output to amass more productive
11:40hours.
11:42Wow.
11:43Did you go to grad school?
11:44Well, that's the hottest thing anyone's ever said to me.
11:53You knew little Richard.
11:55You knew him?
11:56He offered me $5,000 to let him watch me pee.
11:59No.
12:00Oh, I would have done it.
12:01But he was just so over-eager.
12:03Just kind of took the fun out of him.
12:04Oh, my God.
12:04That's insane.
12:06Mm-hmm.
12:07So, are you going to have your parents come see your show?
12:11Um, no, I'm not really close to my family.
12:15I emancipated from my parents when I was 15.
12:18Really?
12:19Yeah.
12:20Um, my dad sold my homecoming photos to E! News, and that was kind of the final straw.
12:28The press are fucking vultures.
12:30When I saw those stories about you having a breakdown, I knew it was bullshit.
12:38So, you just moved to Vegas all on your own, just to do shows every night?
12:44Yeah, didn't you?
12:48Yeah.
12:50I don't mind doing things on my own.
12:53And cutting ties with my parents was actually great for me.
12:56I took control of my career.
12:58It ended up being the best decision I ever made.
13:02Good for you.
13:04When I know what I want.
13:07I don't hesitate.
13:15Maybe I should have hesitated that time.
13:17No.
13:18I just...
13:20I was just going to say I'm exactly the same.
13:30Papa's got a brand new bag.
13:39She didn't know anybody.
13:40Debra, Debra, right here.
13:42Nico, right here.
13:43Hey, back up.
13:44Come on, give us room.
13:46Right here, buddy.
13:47Right here, right here.
13:47Look at her space.
13:48I'm not saying it again.
13:49Look at her space.
13:49This is your violation.
13:50This is my job.
13:51What's wrong with you people?
13:52Just leave us alone.
13:54You need to go protect her.
13:56Seriously.
13:56Your bottom caterers.
13:58You're just...
13:58Why don't you get a real job?
14:00Scum.
14:01Yes, you are.
14:03Yes, you are.
14:04We love you.
14:05Unbelievable.
14:08That's money.
14:11So, I am going to see him again, but not until the weekend, because tomorrow night he's
14:16having sex with a married woman while her husband watches from a recliner.
14:19Oh.
14:19Really exciting.
14:21And then Friday, he's having sex with someone in a wheelchair, which is so cool.
14:25Sex work is so important.
14:27Of course.
14:28Oh, good.
14:29You can talk to Debra now.
14:31Oh.
14:33Okay.
14:34Hey.
14:38You okay?
14:44You're right.
14:45It was real.
14:47Oh, my God.
14:48We actually have so much in common.
14:51I mean, he's sexy and he's smart and he's funny.
14:56He's just a great sense of style.
14:59Oh, hey.
15:01We made out.
15:03Oh, my God.
15:05Way to bury the lead.
15:07You kissed a girly guy and you liked it.
15:09Are you going to see him again?
15:11I hope so.
15:12I have a good idea.
15:14What?
15:15Invite him to Marty's wedding.
15:16Oh, I couldn't.
15:17Yes.
15:18Could I?
15:18Of course you could.
15:19You have a plus one, don't you?
15:22Do you think you'd want to?
15:23Yes!
15:24Yes!
15:24Text him now.
15:25Okay.
15:26Okay.
15:29Oh, he already texted me.
15:30What did he say?
15:31I had a wonderful night.
15:33Next time we should get pumpkin soup.
15:35What?
15:37What?
15:37No, pumpkin soup.
15:39It was just this whole bit and we were laughing.
15:42How hard were you laughing?
15:44Oh, stop!
15:45All right.
15:46Tell me what I should say.
15:47Okay.
15:47Um, had a wonderful night.
15:48Okay.
15:49Me too.
15:49And then be like, hey, going to this random ass wedding next weekend.
15:55Want to be my plus one?
15:56Want to be my plus one?
15:57Yeah.
15:57Great.
15:58Yeah.
15:58Oh, my God.
15:59Okay.
16:00Which emojis?
16:00No, no emojis.
16:02No.
16:04Oh, my God.
16:06See, the little bubbles.
16:07He sticks me back.
16:07He sticks me back.
16:08This man's on his phone.
16:09Oh, my God.
16:14Literally funny.
16:15That is hilarious.
16:16Can I wear white?
16:18Really, really funny.
16:19I told you it was funny.
16:20Oh, my God.
16:20Oh, my God.
16:21He's in.
16:21He's in.
16:22Oh, my God.
16:23Okay.
16:23I've got to call Marty.
16:24Oh, my God.
16:25Wait.
16:25Right now, it's ringing.
16:27Okay.
16:30Oh, Dem.
16:36You all right?
16:37All right, Marty.
16:37I need to change my RSVP to your wedding.
16:39I am bringing a guest after all.
16:40He's this really hot, young guy, and he's really funny, too.
16:42Oh, you know him.
16:43Nico Hayes.
16:45Okay.
16:45That's fine.
16:46I'll tell the wedding planner.
16:48Good night, now.
16:49Oh, Marty, can I bring a sex worker?
16:51Yeah, sure.
16:52Go ahead.
16:56Oh, my God.
17:08Hey, so, now you're a fan.
17:12Huge.
17:13Hey, listen.
17:14What do you think these lyrics are about?
17:17Oh, never mind.
17:18I'll help Damien Google it.
17:19Want some coffee?
17:20Tea?
17:20No, no.
17:21This will be quick.
17:22I just want to get your advice on something.
17:23Sure.
17:24So, after Marty told us about the Paradiso, I went down and took a look.
17:29I'm thinking about buying it.
17:31I'm going to renovate it, make it a cool boutique hotel casino, since there's really nothing
17:34like it left in the city.
17:35Wow.
17:36That's interesting.
17:38I've always loved that space.
17:39Oh, I know.
17:39The location is perfect.
17:41Historical building.
17:41Yeah, but, oh.
17:43I think that's a huge undertaking.
17:46I mean, you have to deal with the gaming commission, the unions, the permits.
17:51Plus, tourism is down.
17:53There's a reason there's no independent casinos anymore.
17:57I don't know.
17:58That's an awful big risk.
18:01So, you wouldn't?
18:03If I were you, no.
18:04Keep your money in an index and wait for a lower lift.
18:07No, you're right.
18:08You're right.
18:09Thanks for the reality check.
18:10Oh.
18:11I mean, I could get a discount if I sleep at the realtor.
18:14Oh.
18:14Is he cute?
18:16He's a woman.
18:16Oh.
18:17Yeah.
18:17Sorry.
18:19You know what else I found out about Nico?
18:21He's a huge anti-bullying advocate.
18:23Isn't that cool?
18:24That could be an issue for you.
18:27Oh, shut up.
18:33I still can't believe you bought this whole place out.
18:36I wanted us to be free to, you know, do whatever.
18:49Oh, my God.
18:52So, how was your first week of show?
18:54Oh, it was okay.
18:55Just okay?
18:57When I tour, I change up the set list.
18:59And here, I'm doing the same exact show every night.
19:02And I'm just getting used to it.
19:04Oh, yeah.
19:05I get it.
19:06But just remember, people come from all over the world to see residencies here.
19:11And even though you're in the same place, doing the same thing, you know, I like to think of it
19:16as performing for the whole world all at once.
19:19It's a good way of looking at it.
19:23I think there's a lot I could learn from you.
19:25Oh, yeah?
19:27Yeah.
19:28How about we skip dessert and get out of here?
19:31Check, please?
19:46I see why you do that for a living.
19:51You aren't so bad yourself.
19:56Um, listen, I don't want to, um, jump the G word gun, but, um, the owner of the Palmetto is
20:06getting married next Saturday, and I have a plus one if you want to come with me.
20:10I don't know.
20:12Yeah.
20:14Yeah, I love that.
20:16Okay, cool.
20:17I don't think I have a gig that day.
20:19Oh, my God, no pressure.
20:21I know that, like, dating a sex worker means that, like, you might not be available on nights or weekends,
20:27but...
20:27No, this wouldn't be for that.
20:29Um, I thought I might have a magic show that day, but no.
20:34Looks like I'm free.
20:36What?
20:37What?
20:38Oh, well, sex work pays the bills, but my dream job is magician.
20:49Wow.
20:50Yeah, why did you think I moved to Vegas?
20:52To be a prostitute.
20:54What?
20:54No.
20:55No.
20:56No.
20:57No.
20:57Okay.
20:59Here, let me show you a trick.
21:05Okay.
21:06All right.
21:07Now, I know what you're thinking.
21:09This is just a regular box of unlit matches, right?
21:12I wish.
21:13But guess again.
21:18I think it's lube all over my hands.
21:21Look, you weren't supposed to see the coins, but it's a work in progress.
21:28I'll practice.
21:30Bob.
21:31What?
21:32You were mean probably because there was a coin in your ear.
21:34Oh!
21:35Isn't that...
21:36Ow!
21:39That's a good one, too.
21:40You want that one?
21:43They're coming out.
21:45Oh, no.
21:46Niko, how was the date?
21:47How are you two official?
21:48No.
21:49Out of the way.
21:50Oh, come on, Dave.
21:51You called me before, but not before us tonight.
21:55Listen to him.
22:03Larry, can you give us a second?
22:09Was it you who called the paparazzi on our first date?
22:14Yes.
22:15And was it you who put the napkin I used on eBay?
22:18No!
22:19I feel totally violated.
22:23Listen, listen.
22:24I did call them on our first date, but not the other times.
22:27Why would you call them at all?
22:30Because when you asked me out, I thought you were doing it for publicity, which I totally get.
22:34But once I knew that you genuinely liked me, I realized that I felt the same.
22:39I can't do this.
22:42Niko, don't let one little mistake ruin us.
22:45What us?
22:47Us, us.
22:49Nikra!
22:51I'd like to go home now.
22:54Maybe you can get a ride home with your paparazzi friend.
22:57Come on, Niko.
22:58Come on.
23:04Oh, trouble with paradise.
23:07Niko, you and your friend of the heart.
23:14Yeah, the wedding is a cocktail attire, four o'clock.
23:17Yeah, I think I'm busy that day.
23:19Oh, no.
23:22What's up, Dad?
23:24Tonight is just another
23:26Oh, cliche.
23:27Another alibi.
23:28Hope you got some comfy shoes on, Dad.
23:30I'm not going to let you retouch things.
23:32Defeat the tears from coming.
23:35Coming to my heart.
23:38Oh, oh.
23:39Not another alibi.
23:43Hey.
23:44What's going on?
23:45I've been waiting for you downstairs.
23:46You want to work up here?
23:47Sure, whatever.
23:49So, I think we should start with the opener
23:50because it's not really feeling there yet, right?
23:52What do you think?
23:56Debra?
23:57Who are you texting?
23:58Nobody.
24:00Let me see your phone.
24:01No.
24:02That's an invasion of my privacy.
24:04Debra?
24:05Let me see it.
24:07What are you doing?
24:08Let me see it.
24:10Stop it.
24:10Eyes of my phone.
24:11What is wrong with you?
24:12Let me...
24:13Oh, God.
24:14Damn it.
24:14Ah!
24:15Get to me.
24:15Oh, God, you're strong.
24:16Jesus.
24:17Ah!
24:18Shit.
24:19Oh, my God.
24:20Debra, no.
24:21There's so much blue.
24:22You're writing him a novel.
24:23Well, Nico hadn't gotten back to me for a while,
24:26so I was just bumping.
24:27No, these texts say not delivered.
24:30Oh.
24:31Oh, well, thank God.
24:33I mean, that means he hasn't even gotten them.
24:35That's a relief.
24:36No, Debra.
24:37Debra, it means he blocked you.
24:43What?
24:44Yeah.
24:46He blocked me.
24:48Blocked you.
24:50I'll block him right back.
24:51Okay.
24:51I'll block him straight to hell.
24:53Hey, I'm going to go downstairs.
24:55I'm going to get you a Diet Coke.
24:56I'm going to bring up my copy of Anxiously Attached,
24:58How to Be More Secure in Life and Love,
24:59and then we're going to get back to work.
25:00Okay?
25:02Hey, he blocked you.
25:03He's not getting those texts.
25:05So say you.
25:06Oh, my God.
25:10How do you block back?
25:15Ah!
25:16Chill!
25:30Debra, this is my date, Eli.
25:32Eli, this is my boss, writing partner, and housemate, Debra.
25:36It's nice to be here.
25:37I hope you two can hold on to what you have.
25:41I'm going to get another drink.
25:45Sorry.
25:45She's usually much meaner than that.
25:47Well, well, well.
25:48Well, does my eyes deceive me, or is my standing Sunday afternoon appointment at the Vegas wedding of the year?
25:55Hi, Joanna.
25:57Hey.
25:58Eli's my date.
25:59Yeah, listen, I know from experience, he's only got about three or four in the tank daily, so, you know,
26:03don't wear him all the way out, sister.
26:05Hello, Mayor Penmentee.
26:07Hello, my lovely constituents.
26:09Marilyn and Herman, this is Ava.
26:12I work with Debra Vance.
26:13I think we met at the town hall where Debra argued against the city recognizing Labor Day.
26:17Of course.
26:18And this is Eli.
26:20Pleasure to meet you.
26:21And what do you do?
26:22I'm a magician.
26:23I'm a magician illusionist.
26:25Well, he's a sex worker.
26:27And Lee.
26:27Oh.
26:28Oh, he's not a worker.
26:29He's an artist.
26:30And I prefer the term jiggle up.
26:32More European.
26:33Right?
26:35Right?
26:59FBI!
27:05Eleanor Guillaume, you're under arrest.
27:07Victoria!
27:07What the hell?
27:08Who's Eleanor?
27:09What's going on?
27:10Ms. Guillaume is one of her fraud, domestically and in France.
27:13Sorry about the timing, sir, but he had to apprehend her before she fled the country.
27:16You mean her honeymoon?
27:17Marty, the name was fake, but the love was real.
27:23I demand to be tried in France.
27:25We'd appreciate it if everyone would please stay at the venue.
27:28We're going to need to get some statements.
27:29Let's go.
27:30No, but let me talk in.
27:31That's a thing I thought.
27:34Wow.
27:40Yeah.
27:42You know, I thought the dress was criminal.
27:45Still.
27:53I don't know.
27:54I don't know.
27:55No, you don't.
27:57Come on.
27:57Please.
27:58I know you're faking it.
27:59You're good at that.
28:00Hey.
28:00I was just grilling him.
28:02Seems to really like you, Raggedy Ann.
28:04I offered him $2,000 for the night and he wouldn't take it.
28:07Oh, you should do it.
28:08Yeah, you should do it.
28:09I don't want to hold you back.
28:10No.
28:11I want to spend the night with you.
28:12Make sure the coin trick later.
28:14It's getting really tight.
28:15No.
28:16No, no, no.
28:16You should get that money.
28:18Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
28:20Listen to my Eskimo sister here.
28:21Why are you pressuring me to do sex work?
28:25Do you have an issue with my magic?
28:27Oh.
28:27Hey, I got no issue.
28:29We could do it Voldemort style.
28:31Ava?
28:31Do I have an issue with your magic?
28:33It's an interesting question.
28:34I just, I guess I just feel like you're so, so good at sex and sex work is so important.
28:40And I guess I just feel like magic is less important.
28:46But you said that you were okay with whatever I did for work.
28:49I didn't think that one of those things could be magic.
28:52I mean, come on.
28:53Don't you feel a little cringe when you're doing the tricks?
28:55Like, honestly.
28:56No, I feel a little more cringe when a stranger sticks a personalized dildo of their ex-boyfriend's
29:01dick in my mouth.
29:02Fit like a glove, as I recall.
29:05Hey, I'm not here to sex shame.
29:06No.
29:07You're just here to magic shame.
29:09This is so fucked up.
29:11Looking down on me for being a magician is just as bad as looking down on me for being
29:14a sex worker.
29:15No, it's not.
29:16Magicians aren't marginalized.
29:18The name one magician who's ever served on the Supreme Court.
29:21Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
29:22Okay, okay, listen.
29:24It's getting a little heated here.
29:25Let's relax.
29:26Let's go to my room.
29:26Have a little nightcap.
29:28You can come too, apartment patty.
29:30That's the gay one, right?
29:31No.
29:33We're done.
29:35And I'm done doing sex work.
29:37Hey.
29:37No.
29:38No.
29:38Don't be rash.
29:39I'm going to make it as a magician.
29:42And I'm going to prove you wrong.
29:47Supposed to be smoke.
29:49No.
29:50No.
29:50Oh, my God.
29:51Hey.
29:52Hey.
29:52God.
29:55What did you do?
29:56Listen to me.
29:57It's Saturday at dusk.
29:59You got 18 hours to find me a new Sunday boy.
30:02So tick tock, Missy.
30:03Oh, my God.
30:05Fuck, man.
30:06I'm not getting you a Sunday boy.
30:07I don't want to talk to you anymore.
30:14Come in.
30:19Hey.
30:20You okay?
30:23How could I be so stupid?
30:26Well, she was old.
30:27It was the perfect smokescreen.
30:29Yeah, they're calling what she did to me elder fraud.
30:32It's peer-to-peer fraud.
30:37I really thought she was the one.
30:39Well, her real crime is not realizing how wonderful you are.
30:55Deb, I know this is crazy.
30:57But what do you say we get married?
31:00The priest is still here.
31:02The caterers are ready to go.
31:03Me and you.
31:04Come on.
31:05Let's finally do it.
31:07Marty.
31:09Deborah and Marie Vance.
31:11Will you marry me?
31:15No.
31:18Oh, God.
31:21Marty.
31:24You know how I feel about you.
31:27But you've got to stop asking people to marry you.
31:29It's a compulsion.
31:30Yeah.
31:31Yes, you're right.
31:33Man, I just feel like such a loser.
31:37If it makes you feel any better, I was just dumped and blocked by an international rock star.
31:42Okay.
31:44Sounds like you've still got the data rock star.
31:45Yeah, but I got my heart broken.
31:47Yeah, but I got my heart broken.
31:47I've been very sad about it.
31:49But I mean, I should actually be thrilled.
31:52I mean, what a gift to still be taking risks.
31:56Come on.
31:57We both got our hearts broken.
31:59Aren't you glad that you're still putting yourself out there like that?
32:02I mean, a lot of people our age are just too busy collecting commemorative coins.
32:08You love falling in love.
32:11And you will again.
32:13I know it.
32:15I mean, you own multiple properties.
32:16You still have your own hair.
32:17You're chum in the water.
32:23Well, are you sure you don't want to be Mrs. Marty Vance?
32:28I'll tell you what.
32:30If we're both single, when we're 100, I'll marry you.
32:35Well, that's something to look forward to.
32:46Marcus.
32:48Marcus.
32:50I was wrong.
32:51You should do the parades.
32:53It is exactly what Vegas needs.
32:55I appreciate that.
32:56I really do.
32:57But you were right.
32:58My business manager looked at the numbers, and it is too big of a risk.
33:01If you don't take risks, you're as good as dead.
33:04What if we did it together?
33:06Now, I'm not trying to insert myself here.
33:08I could be as involved as you want.
33:11But I miss working with you.
33:13I miss conniving with you.
33:16We will be partners this time.
33:17Totally equal.
33:18Or I could just be a silent investor.
33:21Whatever you want.
33:23What do you say?
33:25What do?
33:29I do.
33:34What a great day.
33:42Wow.
33:43Isn't it beautiful?
33:43If you would have told me five years ago that I would be part owner of a casino, I would
33:48not have believed you.
33:48You own no part of this.
33:50You are literally just here.
33:51Yeah, but even that is crazy.
33:55Oh, wait.
33:56What?
33:57Kiki just sent me this video.
33:59She thinks it's about you.
34:03But you're a funny girl.
34:07Yeah, something's funny.
34:09Funny how you lie so easily.
34:13Oh!
34:13So are gay-ish jokes on me.
34:18Whoa, funny girl.
34:21Wow, his fan army's really coming after you in the comments.
34:24What?
34:24Let me see.
34:25They're calling me chocked.
34:27What does that mean?
34:28I mean, am I in danger?
34:30No, no, they're just insulting your looks.
34:32What?
34:33That's even worse.
34:35I don't know, is it?
34:36I mean, people are going to want to hear your side of the story at the MSG show.
34:39It could be good for ticket sales.
34:41That's true.
34:42If he can make art about me, I can make art about him.
34:45It's a two-way street.
34:46I need to clap back.
34:48Call Diane Warren!
34:49Call Diane Warren!
34:50Call Diane Warren!
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