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The Young Offenders S05E05 [Full Movie] [Full Episodes]Full EP - Full
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00:03You hear a lot of mams going on about how being a mom is like a real job.
00:06But how hard is it really?
00:10Okay there's the pregnancy bit.
00:13Tony!
00:14And then there's the birth.
00:15But that's just popping it out.
00:18And I reckon I was actually the one who ended up doing most of the work there.
00:22And after all that you have a baby.
00:24And you get months off work where you get free money for doing absolutely nothing.
00:27Oh Jesus Christ he's eating my nipples red raw.
00:30You could try bottle feeding him?
00:32Oh yeah and have everyone tell me I hate my baby.
00:35No thanks.
00:35The whole thing seems like a bit of a scam really.
00:37Bottle you?
00:39Oh Christ's sake.
00:41Who's taking the pass?
00:43What are we going to do?
00:44There's nothing to be afraid of okay.
00:46I'm just going to tell her to calm down.
00:48No no no no.
00:49You want to be killed.
00:50You can't tell a woman to calm down.
00:52How are you going to auto relax again?
00:54Where is the suit?
00:55It'll be over soon.
00:56Her mam's coming to town and she's just a bit worked up.
00:59It won't last forever.
01:00Mam's mam?
01:01I thought she was dead.
01:02No she's not dead.
01:03She just left Mairead when she was a little girl.
01:06Starts a new family.
01:08Who put water in the pass?
01:11Hey Mairead.
01:12Hey Mairead.
01:13Conrad Jack.
01:14I can tell you're going through a little bit of a tough time here at the moment.
01:18And you're probably mad about that tough time.
01:22Yeah.
01:23But you think it would help a little if you just, if you just calmed the fuck down?
01:34They say getting your driver's license is a rite of passage.
01:38But really it's just 50 quid an hour to get honked at for stalling in front of strangers.
01:42But today's the day I can finally prove that I'm more than just a passenger.
01:45It wouldn't have good driving if it hit you in the face.
01:48I can't.
01:51Why?
01:52They have to fail a certain percentage boy.
01:54Everybody knows that.
01:55It's just like a statistic thing boy.
01:56No it's fine.
01:57No it's fine.
01:58No it's fine.
01:58You know what I just want to go to bed.
01:59I can't.
01:59We don't even need a driver's license to drive.
02:02I know.
02:04But I got it anyway.
02:06Shut up.
02:06I got it.
02:07You're joking me boys boy.
02:09Jesus.
02:10That's like Killian Murphy with your acting boy.
02:12Yeah what's my Oscar like?
02:14When you get a bit shy around you know.
02:15You're like the Taoiseach or something boy.
02:17Michael the Higgins.
02:17Jesus boy.
02:18The King of Ireland.
02:19Boy we can get drive-thrus now.
02:21Drive-thrus.
02:23Drive-thrus.
02:23Drive-thrus.
02:24Holy shit Conboy.
02:25Oh.
02:27You.
02:29You work with the Conor Roads.
02:31You deserve it my kid.
02:34Very classy.
02:35Here get your manky hands off them they're not for ye.
02:37Yes they are.
02:38It's my party.
02:39Why is it your party?
02:40It's my party because we passed the driving test.
02:43We.
02:43Both of you did did ya?
02:45Well like I was sitting on the seat with the wheel but he was in my head so it was
02:48like it was a giant effort like.
02:49Exactly yeah.
02:50A rising tide lifts all the boats my head.
02:52What are you on about?
02:53He's talking about tides.
02:54Boats.
02:55When jock rises we all rise.
02:58Yeah.
02:58Alright well look.
02:59Who's this party for so if it's not for your award winning son?
03:02Passing a test designed for teenagers isn't exactly award winning.
03:05It is for you boy.
03:07And besides it's Bridget's birthday.
03:09What Bridget as in?
03:10Bridget.
03:10Bridget as in your mime Bridget.
03:12I thought you hated your mime.
03:14I do she's a self centered witch.
03:16She's a witch?
03:18Every time I look in the mirror I see half of her and I hate her so much I hate
03:21half myself.
03:23But if she wants the best party ever that's what we're gonna throw her.
03:26So you hate this woman so much that you're gonna throw her the best party you've ever thrown in your
03:30entire life?
03:30I am not giving her the satisfaction of having a bad word to say.
03:33We've had parties before like it's not that hard.
03:36Alright I'm off to pick up the witch.
03:38We can witch it.
03:39No you are not.
03:39We will witch it.
03:41We won't let's go get you.
03:41You might get to drive the car if I think about it.
03:44But she's actually a witch.
03:45Of some kind.
03:46I feel it.
03:47Aye.
03:49After all I really love you love you.
03:53Lads.
03:55After all that we've been true.
03:59Ho ho ho.
04:01Daisy goodbye.
04:02Let's go.
04:03Hey.
04:06We've had some crack in this car over the years haven't we?
04:09Do you remember the time that we went and held you with the fridge?
04:13And you thought we murdered a load of dogs with a hammer like.
04:17That was so good.
04:18Just a car joke.
04:19Ah come on though.
04:20It's not though is it?
04:20It's more than that.
04:22It's memories on wheels.
04:23Do you remember the time we went up to Dublin to go to therapy?
04:26And then the therapist told us that you were the one that was fucked up.
04:29Alright like.
04:30Can you believe that?
04:31The look on your face.
04:33You were like.
04:35I paid all this money for some quack to tell me that.
04:38That's a good one.
04:39That was class.
04:42Yeah.
04:44Right I think you're looking a little bit tired.
04:45Tired?
04:46Piss off jock.
04:47Stay to you.
04:48You have a face like the first pancake.
04:50You know the bad one that comes out all munted and shaked so they have to throw it out.
04:54Jeez that's a bit below the belt no?
04:56I just thought that maybe you could just do a little break from driving is all.
05:00Yeah we keep your thoughts to yourself.
05:02I think he's just a bit worried you shouldn't be driving in your condition.
05:05A condition?
05:06What condition is that?
05:07Our soul ladies.
05:08Ha ha.
05:10Sorry man.
05:11In all seriousness.
05:13He's right like.
05:14Yeah.
05:14I don't think you at the moment have the mental capacity to focus on the road.
05:18Yeah.
05:18You know thinking about your mamma no?
05:20That's serious stuff.
05:21Do you know what might be a good?
05:23Thought experiment.
05:24Thought experiment?
05:25Yeah.
05:26Did you learn that from the prison therapist was this?
05:28No mamma alright.
05:29Imagine alright that you've never met your mam and you're just on your way now to just
05:34make a new friend.
05:36So you can leave all the baggage at the door.
05:41Are you serious?
05:43Ma!
05:43Ma!
05:43Ma!
05:44Ma!
05:46What the fuck?
05:48What are you doing?
05:49That's obviously not what we meant like.
05:51I was my mam's baggage when she left me outside the car and she took off with a handbag full
05:54of freedom and selfishness.
05:56So what?
05:57We're just your baggage?
05:58Yes.
05:58You are my baggage.
05:59The type of baggage that has no value and I get stuck in it because nobody else wants
06:03it.
06:04The air is going as useful as a bag full of mickeys.
06:06Soft mickeys at that.
06:07Shush.
06:08No no no.
06:08Don't.
06:09Don't you shush me.
06:10Shush.
06:11We understand.
06:12Shush.
06:12Get in.
06:17Well he should be sleeping.
06:19I know that Mairead but he won't stay down.
06:21Arrows.
06:22No.
06:23Did you ask nicely?
06:25Airbag.
06:26Seriously Mairead?
06:27I have an airbag.
06:28Shush.
06:28I can't help from here.
06:30Animals.
06:30See the cows there?
06:32No.
06:33Healy what was that?
06:35I gotta go.
06:37I know but give me a flu.
06:38It is all around us.
06:41It is all around us.
06:43Come on boy use your brain.
06:44Come on.
06:44There's no more words beginning with A.
06:46I don't know.
06:47You only guessed like six of them.
06:48I can't think under this pressure.
06:50Healy.
06:51Why don't you tell me?
06:52That's what I said.
06:52Tell me.
06:52Why are these?
06:54Air.
06:55Air.
06:57Air.
06:57Tony.
06:57But you can't see air.
06:59Tony.
06:59Of course you can by us.
07:00It's all around us.
07:02I can't see air right now can I?
07:03I can feel the air.
07:04Healy what is going on?
07:05Will you answer me?
07:06You can feel the effects of air but you can't see air.
07:08No no no.
07:09Air is see through.
07:10You see through it.
07:11Okay.
07:12Why don't you call this thing?
07:15Why don't you call that thing?
07:16No no no no.
07:16That's not air.
07:18That's like saying.
07:19I spy with my little I.
07:19W.
07:20I'm picking water of A boy.
07:21How bad work man.
07:23Blames his tools.
07:24I spy with my little I.
07:25Somebody gave an A and an I and fuck.
07:27I am surrounded by adult children.
07:36What a kid.
07:39What a kid.
07:40She is like fine wine.
07:42What a kid.
07:42That's a bit of me though.
07:43She's right up your street man.
07:45She's stunning.
07:45Is she hot man?
07:46Stop hitting on your granny.
07:48Granny?
07:49Who's granny?
07:49Right up your street.
07:50No no no no.
07:51No no no no.
07:52No no no no.
07:52No no no no.
07:53That's not.
07:53That was granny.
07:54She's not hot at all but she might be.
07:57Bridget.
07:58Call me mom.
08:00That's the witch.
08:04Look at those muscles.
08:06You go to the gym or what?
08:08No boy.
08:10My mam said I was actually born with a six pack.
08:12Yeah all the doctors took photos of it in the hospital and all.
08:14Looks like a washboard to me.
08:16Yeah well he's full of shit alright.
08:17I swear to god.
08:18I was almost in the paper but I got bumped because they found a missing guard.
08:21Alright Jack.
08:22As if Jack.
08:23Be nice.
08:24Handsome lad like him he's gonna make a lot of money.
08:26Doing what?
08:27Being an escort.
08:28Conor.
08:29That is disgusting.
08:31Horse spit.
08:32It's just science.
08:33Good looking lads make more money.
08:35You wasn't even taught by best looking people in our school.
08:37Jailess fight.
08:39Relax.
08:39It's okay.
08:41Brides only hang out with brides.
08:45It reflects well on you too.
08:48Who says that?
08:49Everybody.
08:51Isn't that right Meraid?
08:53That's why she had such difficulty at school making friends.
08:57Weren't enough other middling children.
09:00Are you only middling Meraid?
09:01Woo.
09:02We are done here.
09:03Jack is too young for you.
09:04It's disgusting.
09:04He's basically like your grandson.
09:06No not by blood.
09:08Ah she got a point there.
09:09I mean it wouldn't be illegal now would it?
09:11No but that doesn't make it right.
09:12Yeah.
09:13It's still messed up all rightly.
09:14Spiritually.
09:15Yeah.
09:16Spiritually.
09:17So why don't you just stop trying to score with him and be normal for once.
09:23Over this way my lady.
09:25She didn't say down on yourself.
09:27Enough.
09:27That is a gorgeous Jackie.
09:31Your granddad boy.
09:32I'm not going to be my granddad.
09:33For the day Zill.
09:34I'm calling you granddad.
09:35Drop your granddad.
09:36Drop your granddad.
09:37I'm your granddad boy.
09:38Drop your.
09:39Respect me.
09:39I'm your granddad.
09:44No no what are you doing?
09:59so how have you been anyway fine no thanks to you um it's a it's a fine day for a
10:07drive isn't it
10:08yeah yeah beautiful blue skies isn't it brilliant god he's the dead spit of your father
10:14you barely knew dad you couldn't pick him out of a lineup i stayed around long enough to have you
10:19didn't i what more do you want oh no no that's plenty thank you very much thank you so much
10:24for
10:25having me and then abandoning me boy i think we should block our heroes or something this feels
10:30sort of private no i didn't abandon you for heaven's sakes i had to leave you seem to do fine
10:36with that other family where are they now anyway why aren't you bothering them for your birthday i
10:40wanted to meet neil his name's noel oh no neil whatever he's still my grandson also i don't
10:50speak to the others we fell out what i stayed around for a bit but then the boomtown rats went
10:58until you you toured with them i followed them around yeah anyway i wasn't meant to be a mother
11:11honestly it's a shit job no that's what i say too i always say be a dad much easier more
11:18fun well said
11:23what now he took a shit in the back and i didn't even know that was a thing oh he's
11:29pissing
11:29on me now already he's pissing on me grow up and deal with it all right he's your kid too
11:37she always this moody i'll answer this one yes i even got my driver's license and she won't let me
11:45behind the wheel can you believe that yeah even despite our condition i don't have a condition
11:49are so light exactly that's it that's what i said you had man gosh she is a witch you predict
11:56this
12:00you're like a cat that lived a thousand lives thousand rides more like no van used to say that
12:06sort of stuff to me all the time van morrison i used to babysit him i've heard of him you're
12:12full
12:13of shit you know that van morrison is older than you you couldn't babysit him brown-eyed girl that
12:16one's about me you have blue eyes all right just smoke in here no no i quit smoking boys oh
12:26yeah
12:26go any further and you will be walking home right that is so unfair yeah my age never told us
12:33our
12:33man was such a legend yeah she's like a proper like not a small one like a big one like
12:38massive
12:39yeah well you didn't grow up where yeah neither did you i want to relax like i was only making
12:47a good
12:47point he's hot too this is killian he's looking for a ride and i said we have room absolutely not
12:59oh come on share and share alike no offense like but once nicky look he looks a bit like a
13:04murderer
13:07silly just watching my address do you killian no it's hard
13:14see wait was that a yes or a no well he's hit a yes but his mouth said no look
13:19there's no room
13:20fine fine but if you're not going to let my new friend come then you're going to have to let
13:27connor drive we all have to make compromises
13:32fine connor can drive holy shit all right tell him what i taught you what we talked about right
13:40i'll never forget you
13:52then there was a time when she came home from school and told me she needed glasses
13:57i did need glasses all right i couldn't see the blackboard i said to her come here do you see
14:05that moon up there i said that moon is four hundred thousand miles away it's all wrong with your
14:12eyesight good 10 and 2 okay you can say that but i don't know what that means like a clock
14:18okay
14:18hands at 10 and 2 yeah well the clock's on my phone so that doesn't make any sense let the
14:23boy just do
14:24it his way he's my son okay i'll handle it how i like i'm just trying to help okay thanks
14:29but don't
14:29can you can you just sit back oh thank god he's breathing hey we could do cpr
14:49oh come on jesus christ you're an animal sorry like it was the humane thing to do con
14:55sorry sorry sorry somebody put me out of my misery we can't just just leave him here we need
15:01to give him a proper burial oh you're so emotional you're definitely your mother's child
15:13mommy's brain fell out
15:19so we're gathered here today to celebrate the life of rabbit de niro he's gone but was certainly
15:27not forgotten uh would anyone like to say a few words listen when i go keep these two boys away
15:36from
15:36me with their tears dancing and drinking that's the way you're supposed to send someone off
15:42i'll be in the car having a fag or doing anything other than this
15:53i didn't know you too well rabbit de niro i know you like carrots
16:00hopping around and shagging rabbits love shagging once saw a rabbit looking out of fox
16:09fox i'm sorry for what i did to you
16:15gone but not forgotten
16:21oh danny boy
16:24the pipes the pipes are calling
16:29oh danny boy
16:31from glen to glen and down the mountain side
16:36the summer's gone and high the road
16:43oh danny boy
16:46oh danny boy
16:48oh danny boy
16:48oh danny boy
16:48oh danny boy
16:48oh danny boy
16:51oh danny boy
17:02cheer up boys
17:03you're bringing my mood down
17:05even be with you he get over it in his own time
17:07that's the problem with your generation
17:10you're too soft on your kids they don't grow up
17:12mm-hmm
17:13that what you were doing with me is this forcing me to grow up
17:17i think i was a bit young for that don't you
17:19i'm getting a bit sick of your poor me stuff you had more than i ever have you don't see
17:25me complaining
17:25all you do is complain you complain about being a mother
17:28no i don't want to talk about it anymore
17:30yeah well i do okay
17:31you at least owe me that
17:33i gave you life
17:35i was sick everyday for nine months cooking you inside me
17:39what more do you want
17:42a mother
17:43oh
17:45don't be so dramatic
17:46dramatic
17:48you abandoned me
17:49you took the easy way out
17:52i didn't want a kid
17:53yeah but i didn't bail on him did i
17:56well
17:57somehow it's always about you
17:59and it's my birthday
18:01it is never about me
18:03it's literally never about me
18:04i wish for just once
18:05it was about me
18:06your yelling is exhausting me
18:09i'm going to have a nap
18:11have your nap
18:13hope you don't wake up
18:18i um
18:20i might try for a nap too
18:28no please come on
18:29i'm trying to do it here alright
18:45give me a chance
18:47alright
18:48drink your drinks and eat your drinks it's party time
19:01i'm
19:03are we glad to see you
19:05how was it
19:06fine she's still asleep in the car probably a drunken coma
19:12how is she
19:13i'm just the idiot who ruined everybody's life so how would i know
19:29great
19:30bridget
19:30sleep your head
19:33wakey wakey
19:34rise and shine
19:36er
19:36bridget
19:42bridget
19:42i'm tony
19:43oh jesus
19:43er
19:44er
19:44er
19:45okay
19:45okay don't panic
19:46don't panic
19:46er pulse
19:47er
19:48oh shit okay
19:49no pulse
19:50marie
19:50marie
19:51marie
19:52come quick
19:54she's done this on purpose
19:56we shouldn't be doing this
19:57we should be informing the guards
19:59you are the guards consider yourself informed
20:01well keep our legs up will ya
20:02she's heavy
20:04oh
20:05all right
20:05you must save me
20:06oh god
20:07why do you think i should give her a hug
20:14i hope it's not gonna bring her back to life but is it
20:17no jack
20:17not her
20:20the other one
20:24the funeral at home said they can't come and pick her up until tomorrow
20:29what so like she's just staying tonight here
20:31yeah
20:32why
20:33do you think we'll get to eat the dinner
20:35we have some respect but your mom's mom is dead
20:38i'm starving i'll be the one dead if we want to eat soon
20:40you know i can hear you two idiots
20:43our hands are up
20:44yeah
20:47we should eat
20:48we promised her we'd throw her the best party we could so that's what we're gonna do
20:52love i think you might still be in shock
20:53she's not gonna ruin the party we're throwing for her by deciding to die
20:56one question
20:58does she still have a soul
21:00yeah
21:02or is that daddy's wife
21:07did you buy this is good stuff
21:08oh that's so bad you know
21:10yeah
21:10except for the prick garden stuff
21:13yeah
21:13except for that
21:16this isn't right
21:17it's too much salt
21:19what
21:20no
21:22she's over there on her own like this is supposed to be her party
21:29why did i have to be the one sat next to her
21:34i'm not doing that that's creepy but
21:35two
21:43a toast
21:45to the old witch
21:46to the old witch
21:51it's yours
21:52hi! do you want to tell me?
21:54wait wait Bob
21:57night night
21:59see ya
22:02When I passed you in the doorway
22:05Well, you took me with a glance
22:08I should have took that last bus home
22:12But I asked you for a dance
22:14Now we go steady to the pictures
22:17I always get chocolate stains on my pants
22:21And my father, he's going crazy
22:24He says I'm living in a trance
22:27But I'm dancing in the moonlight
22:30It's cat me in its spotlight
22:32It's all right
22:34It would definitely be illegal now
22:36On this long hot summer night
22:51Happy birthday, man
22:54I threw this party for you, I hope you liked it
22:59I don't know why you did it
23:00You wouldn't have done it for me
23:03You never did anything for me
23:06When I had Connor, I was all alone
23:08And you weren't there for me
23:12All I needed was someone to talk to
23:14And tell me everything was going to be alright
23:20It's all I needed
23:21It's all I needed
23:21And you weren't there for me
23:25And I miss my mam
23:26And I love my mam
23:30Can I just wish you loved me back?
23:39I'm so sorry I was a shit man
23:41I'm gone
23:41Oh no, don't say that
23:44I was scared and I was young
23:47I love you so much
23:48I'd never have it any other way
23:50You know that
23:53You did your best, ma'am
23:55You always did your best
23:59And you know what, in some way
24:01I'd say she did too
24:08I was better than her though, wasn't I?
24:10Oh yeah, way better
24:14To Bridget
24:16To Bridget
24:18And
24:19To Marie
24:20Yeah
24:21Right?
24:22To Marie
24:35Your first nose isn't about to sparkle
24:39Hang on, wait, wait, wait
24:41Let Healy get it
24:45Even the bomb got off
24:46Wouldn't make that man
24:48One thing about being a man
24:49Is that once you are one
24:50It never ends
24:52And a job that never ends
24:54That's gotta be the toughest job in the world
24:57Right
24:57Say Granny
24:59So just maybe
25:00We should give all mothers a break
25:02Because even the ones that do jump ship
25:05They've already done more work than any man
25:07They deserve a rest
25:09Rest in peace, Granny Bridget
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