- 11 minutes ago
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown 2026 Season 29 Episode 01
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr Jimmy Carr!
00:04Ta-da! Hey!
00:07What? Thank you. Thank you very much.
00:16Manage your expectations.
00:18Now, have we got a show for you?
00:20That remains to be seen.
00:22I'll tell you what we do have. Go wild and crazy.
00:24I'll bring them all out at the same time.
00:25We've got John Richardson, Rob Beckett, Judy Love,
00:27Katherine Parkinson, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:32That's something.
00:33That's a show. Let's count down.
00:37Get in there.
00:40Right.
00:42Go.
00:44Oh, yeah.
00:46Spoiler alert.
00:47John wins.
00:50OK, everyone, we're ready to go.
00:52Let's do this.
00:57You have a great day on the next one.
00:59I'm going to be on the next one.
01:02Any thoughts?
01:05I'm going to be on the next one.
01:06I own the next two minutes.
01:16You will be on the next two minutes.
01:16A couple minutes!
01:28Hello and welcome to Out Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:34OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, we've got team captain John Richardson.
01:44Big dog daddy, that's what I'm talking about.
01:48Well, one of those words is factually correct.
01:51Really? Yeah, and it's not big or dog.
01:55You've got to hand it to John, because he's so small, he can't reach it by himself.
02:01People meet me and they genuinely think I'm about three foot two.
02:05And John's teammate, Judy Love.
02:11Judy once went to a concert to see her favourite band, Blue,
02:14and got so excited that she threw her bra on stage, killing all four of them.
02:25Who's your favourite member of Blue? I love Blue.
02:28I think it was Simon. Simon was lovely.
02:30But the bra was, yeah, it did.
02:32It was like, it was like a tent.
02:34Like, one love, it was just like, yeah.
02:38Up against them this evening, we've got team captain Rob Beckett.
02:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:46We do a lot of jokes about Rob's teeth, but to be serious for a second,
02:50if you are feeding him, remember flat palm and let him come to you.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:59They're crazy. Are they, are they, are they veneers or they, they're your own teeth?
03:04Because they're good to do.
03:05Who would get that done?
03:06I'm sorry, I don't know.
03:09They are big, aren't they?
03:11No, they're not.
03:11And when I laugh, it looks like they're running out.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:16Joining Rob tonight, it's Catherine Parkinson.
03:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:22Catherine is an actress in her 40s, so there's still lots of parts for her on television.
03:27Whether she wants to play a divorced mother of five, an ageing spinster,
03:31or a kindly grandmother, there's all kinds of opportunities.
03:36I'm only just in my 40s, I'm nearly out of my 40s, but so thank you.
03:41LAUGHTER
03:41Uh, John, now you recently, um, you voiced Grouchy Smurf in the Smurfs movie.
03:46How did you get that role? Why were you cast, do you think?
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49Well, I think Fanny Smasher Smurf had already been cast.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:55Yeah, it's, uh...
03:58It's in the deleted scenes, but it's well worth checking out.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:01If you nip out to the toilet, there's a chance you missed my entire input to the film.
04:06LAUGHTER
04:06Technically, I was in a film with Rihanna, and she doesn't know who the hell I am.
04:11LAUGHTER
04:13You've done a film, haven't you? You're like a bird that commentates on films.
04:16Yes.
04:17And you're in Cinderella.
04:18Which we love.
04:19Yes, I was in Cinderella, but...
04:21Really, do you know what?
04:22Active.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25What part in Cinderella?
04:27I was a pervert trying to get off of her.
04:30LAUGHTER
04:30It's good they let you keep the glasses, though.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:33LAUGHTER
04:35Can I, um, tell you that, I mean, part of the reason we watched that is because, um, my husband
04:42originally had that part, but they, um, had him in his costume and he did a scene and they thought
04:47he looked too pervy.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50So they've got someone who looked pervy.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54I think, though, Camila Cabello looked very young as Cinderella.
04:57She looked very young and my husband is, yes, my age.
05:00And a convicted pervert.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:03OK.
05:03Judy, what would be your perfect day off?
05:05Uh, I think it'd be at home not having to do any kind of maths or work with numbers and
05:12words and shit like this.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16I don't want to cook, I don't want to talk to no-one, I don't want to, no, I don't
05:20want to do anything.
05:21I'll be honest, you get bored in it.
05:22You asked me, what, who said I'd get bored? I've got kids.
05:24When you say you've got kids, how many kids you got?
05:27Two.
05:27Yeah, two.
05:28How old are they, dude? One's 20.
05:30One's, yeah, but...
05:31That don't count, you're not on the front line of a three-year-old.
05:33LAUGHTER
05:34Uh, Rob, you got a mascot?
05:36Yes, I do, I have got a mascot, actually.
05:38Um, so, one of my favourite pastimes, a little hobby of mine, is tripping up children.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45Um, when you've got kids, you're a lot of parties, soft plays, and there's always a couple of idiot kids
05:49that are being mean to your kids,
05:51so a little, as they're sprinting past, being like, a little...leg out.
05:56LAUGHTER
05:56Just to catch them on the run and...
05:58LAUGHTER
06:01I don't know.
06:01No, I don't, I don't just do it at all, it's just, you know, I'm getting older, kids are getting
06:05younger and quicker and stuff like that,
06:06so what I've got is I've had some special shoes made to help me with the tripping up,
06:11cos it can get difficult, so I've got these.
06:13They're only a prototype.
06:14I think they're going to take off.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:20LAUGHTER
06:22APPLAUSE
06:23Can I...
06:24Can you see these now? Yeah, I'd like, I'd like to see these.
06:26Yeah, see, like, obviously, I've got them to look like normal shoes that people don't notice.
06:31LAUGHTER
06:32Yeah, no, I'll come round and show you what...
06:34Oh!
06:35I don't have to...
06:36LAUGHTER
06:37LAUGHTER
06:38It's not really that...
06:39What's that?
06:41What?
06:42What?
06:42Well, you can tell...
06:44You can tell...
06:45You can tell what you know.
06:48LAUGHTER
06:49LAUGHTER
06:49LAUGHTER
06:51They're cool.
06:52They're really cool, yeah.
06:54I think they might catch John.
06:55A classic pair of sort of laced-up trainers.
06:58Say you're at a party, you just sat down having a chat.
07:02LAUGHTER
07:02You're having a drink, kid run past, in a coffee shop, fuck off!
07:07And then you're this easy to go, like, twat!
07:11LAUGHTER
07:11Can you run in those?
07:12What's that?
07:13Can you...?
07:13I'm not chasing kids.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:15You look like someone who chases kids.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:23LAUGHTER
07:24LAUGHTER
07:25LAUGHTER
07:26LAUGHTER
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28LAUGHTER
07:28LAUGHTER
07:30Oh, that's really...
07:32Oh, my God!
07:33LAUGHTER
07:34APPLAUSE
07:34That was...
07:35That was close, though.
07:37You nearly went.
07:38Yeah, so, if you want a pair, let me know I'm going to start a...
07:42Crowdfunder.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:44LAUGHTER
07:46LAUGHTER
07:46LAUGHTER
07:47LAUGHTER
07:48LAUGHTER
07:48LAUGHTER
07:50Well, Becky, everyone.
07:51She's got a match of cheese.
07:53LAUGHTER
07:55APPLAUSE
07:56I've got a sort of...
07:59LAUGHTER
07:59Oh, my...
08:00Catherine, um...
08:02Catherine, have you got a match of?
08:03Yeah, but it's nothing like that.
08:04I mean, you've created yours.
08:06Have you made those yourself?
08:07Absolutely.
08:08That's...
08:09I mean, this is...
08:10This is shop-bought, what I've got,
08:12and it's just to relieve tension in the drawer,
08:15but when I first got it, I did...
08:17I...
08:18I used it this way for quite a while,
08:20until somebody told me it was actually this way.
08:23What...
08:23And you do it, put it...
08:25Oh, my God.
08:25Oh, my God.
08:26What is going on there?
08:27It looks good.
08:29Ah!
08:29That's very briefly, like, the same work that I've had done.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:33It'll have bits of my dead skin on it now, but...
08:36No problem.
08:37Go ahead.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:39It's nice, that now.
08:41It's nice, isn't it?
08:42LAUGHTER
08:42It doesn't look great.
08:44No.
08:44Someone...
08:46Someone's going to Photoshop something in there, Rob.
08:50As it pushes back, it unlocks the jaw.
08:52It does, it does.
08:53Because they're white as well,
08:55it looks like your teeth are sort of escaping.
08:57LAUGHTER
08:58It's going to pull them back.
09:00Ah, Judy, have you got a mascot?
09:02I have.
09:03Because when I come on the show, I get a bit nervous.
09:06I'm always worried about, like, what's going to be the end result.
09:10But because of that, I thought,
09:12let me just relax myself.
09:13I've got my crystal ball, so I can get predictions.
09:19Ooh.
09:19Yeah.
09:19I can see things, like, now I can see this gorgeous, gorgeous woman.
09:24Very, very...
09:25Oh, God, look at her.
09:26Just hot.
09:27Oh, sorry, that's me.
09:28Sorry.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:30But I can see lots of little things.
09:32I can see John at home by himself,
09:35arguing with a thermostat.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:40I'm not paying these prices, I'll put a card on.
09:42Yeah, yeah.
09:44Susie, I can see Susie in the afterlife,
09:48having a conversation,
09:49well, actually pulling up God,
09:50because he said Pacific instead of specific.
09:54LAUGHTER
09:54Have a break, girl.
09:55Have a break.
09:56Do you know what I mean?
09:57And I can see...
09:59Susie's dead in that.
10:00Yeah, but she's not...
10:01She buried the lead on that, how did she die?
10:03She doesn't die by being tripped up, does she?
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07But what I mainly can predict is that we're going to win.
10:12The silence!
10:14That was...
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16Of course, Susie, let's enjoy while we've got it.
10:18OK, John, have you got a mascot?
10:20Yes, well, it's a business venture, really, Jimmy.
10:23Oh.
10:23So I've gone into music, tribute bands,
10:26a lot of coin in tributes.
10:28Mm.
10:28So I found this guy who does Elvis, first of all.
10:31He was my first act, but he was a bit...
10:33Well, he was shit.
10:34So people would ask who he was.
10:36So we had to rename him Elvish.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:41So sometimes...
10:42Sometimes you want to update an act
10:43while you're doing the tribute.
10:44Mm.
10:45So I've got a modern Johnny Cash, er,
10:47called Johnny Contacts.
10:50LAUGHTER
10:52And I sort of brought all the songs up into the modern age.
10:55Er, he's got a song about Dodgy Market
10:56called Ring of Firesticks.
10:58Er...
11:00I've got a one-man Led Zeppelin, er,
11:02cos I can't afford all of them,
11:04so that's...
11:04Led Zeppelin.
11:06LAUGHTER
11:07Erm, I've got loads of these.
11:08I've got a one-man Iron Maiden.
11:11Brian Maiden.
11:13He's very...
11:13I've got as many of these as you want.
11:15One man, take that.
11:15Jake, that.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:18LAUGHTER
11:19And then I saw the Oasis gigs,
11:20and I thought, well, there's got to be coin in that.
11:22I thought, one thing that puts people off going to the Oasis gigs,
11:24I think there's a bit of a reputation for being quite laddy
11:26and quite unpleasant, or piss-throwing and all that.
11:29So I thought, how do you change that?
11:30Well, you just...
11:31The music speaks for itself,
11:32so you just make it less laddy and less toxic.
11:34So I've got a tribute band called OA Sisters.
11:37LAUGHTER
11:38And I'm delighted to say, making their TV debut,
11:41I've brought them along tonight.
11:42So, ladies and gentlemen, OA Sisters.
11:45APPLAUSE
11:57So Sally can't wait, she knows it's too late,
12:03but we're walking on by.
12:28The only key that I need is the one that I'm going to scrape down your fucking car.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:35You know, you are a woman with a soup spoon
12:38and a world full of steak.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:43I've had a fucking enough of this.
12:45I'm fucking off.
12:48You, you weasel-in-cardigan-wearing little swat.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:53You better pay us what you're worth.
12:55Yeah, I agree with her, actually.
12:57And I've got big hands.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:05APPLAUSE
13:06And Ojo in Dictionary Corner, please welcome Spencer Jones.
13:14LAUGHTER
13:16LAUGHTER
13:18LAUGHTER
13:19All right.
13:20Well, Spencer, good to have you back.
13:22What have you been up to recently?
13:23I've been, um...
13:24Everyone's got a dodgy offie that they go to.
13:27But what I like to do, when I go to the dodgy offie,
13:29give the boys the red stripe, empty the bag,
13:32put the bag on your head like that,
13:33put that round that ear like that,
13:34and then round that ear like that,
13:36and then...
13:37Oh-ho!
13:38LAUGHTER
13:43You might, you might get signed by George.
13:45I'll take it.
13:46What's more?
13:47Yeah!
13:49I'm sure the best thing I came up with in lockdown.
13:52All right?
13:52I'll be honest, it's the only thing I came up with in lockdown.
13:55Ahem.
13:55Ahem.
13:56Ahem.
13:57Ahem.
13:58Happy Mother's Day!
14:06I've got a band.
14:07I've got a band from TikTok for that.
14:10LAUGHTER
14:10Oh, my God!
14:12Um, and yet there's one other thing.
14:13There we go.
14:14Um, sometimes when you're visiting a hospital,
14:17you know, it's a sad time.
14:18People are dying.
14:19Um, but they've got plenty of these knocking around,
14:22which you can nick, you know, no-one will have a go, yeah?
14:24You can do the sort of like,
14:25You lie! It's fine!
14:27LAUGHTER
14:29LAUGHTER
14:33Yeah, it's too cheap.
14:34It's too cheap.
14:35Anyone got work tomorrow?
14:38LAUGHTER
14:38Me too.
14:41What you can do, when you put up like that,
14:42you put one finger in like that,
14:43and then that one comes through there like that,
14:45and then that finger go in there like that,
14:46and then that one and then that,
14:47and then...
14:48ROLL AWAY!
14:49LAUGHTER
14:50LAUGHTER
14:50LAUGHTER
14:54And they'll be dying, but they'll be laughing.
14:56LAUGHTER
14:57And then what you can do,
14:57you squeeze it like that,
14:58and then twist it like that,
15:00and then...
15:00..and it's like that.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:04LAUGHTER
15:07APPLAUSE
15:09APPLAUSE
15:10APPLAUSE
15:13And with Spencer, of course, it's Susie Dent.
15:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:19Last Valentine's Day, Susie Dent co-wrote a romantic radio drama.
15:24I listened to it, Susie,
15:25and I'll be honest with you,
15:26I was bored stiff.
15:28LAUGHTER
15:28Susie, what words make you laugh?
15:31Uh, lots of words make me laugh.
15:33In the historical dictionary,
15:34there's a word for someone who wishes bad luck upon someone else,
15:39and they're described as ill-willy.
15:41If you are kind towards someone, you were good-willy.
15:44And if you really wish death and destruction on someone,
15:47you were evil-willy.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:49And these are all from the 17th century.
15:51I can't imagine you've ever been described as being good-willy.
15:55LAUGHTER
15:55OK.
15:56And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
16:00APPLAUSE
16:04Rachel, have you ever been tempted to get a tattoo?
16:07You know, I feel like everyone's got one except me,
16:09so I would quite like to get one.
16:11My brother's got absolutely loads,
16:13but you've got to get it right and you've got to get something meaningful
16:15and something you don't regret.
16:16So, I'm thinking of getting your face, like, here,
16:21so, like, the mouth can be my belly button,
16:23because, basically, I really want to know what it looks like
16:25to see your face on real human skin.
16:29LAUGHTER
16:31APPLAUSE
16:36OK, the prize that teams will be competing for tonight
16:38is this, the Countdown Fencing Kit.
16:42APPLAUSE
16:48Oh, this should be good.
16:50Oh.
16:51Maybe get...
16:52Maybe a little bit closer together, guys.
16:54Just edge...
16:55Maybe a little bit...
16:56Just a touch closer, just a tad...
17:01LAUGHTER
17:07APPLAUSE
17:09I thought they were beekeepers.
17:12One in the blue!
17:13Let's see your face!
17:14Hey!
17:15I knew the second one was a brother.
17:17I knew it.
17:17I don't know, it was just something in his walk.
17:19I said that to him.
17:19You said, you said.
17:20I could tell from his walk he was black,
17:22and I didn't know what to say.
17:23LAUGHTER
17:25LAUGHTER
17:26Literally.
17:26Yeah.
17:27I whispered it to John.
17:28I was hoping John would say it,
17:30because...
17:30But I didn't want it to get cancelled,
17:32but I just...
17:32I just saw it in his walk.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:35I don't know what that man is called,
17:37but, um...
17:38RUN!
17:39LAUGHTER
17:41OK, let's count down, everyone.
17:43Time for the first game.
17:44Rob and Catherine,
17:45you get the first pick of the letters.
17:47A vowel, please.
17:47Yeah, sure.
17:48Can you have an E?
17:49A consonant, please.
17:51N.
17:52Another vowel, please.
17:54A.
17:55A consonant.
17:56G.
17:57Another vowel, please.
17:59I.
17:59A consonant.
18:00S.
18:02Another consonant, please.
18:04L.
18:04A vowel.
18:05You.
18:06And another vowel, please.
18:10LAUGHTER
18:11Now, can we stop a second?
18:13When you said that,
18:14the crowd oohed,
18:15which I felt like you'd made a bad decision,
18:18but I wasn't listening for me, so...
18:20Oh...
18:20Do we think that's too many vowels?
18:22Can I...
18:22Consonant, please?
18:23Consonant.
18:23Very unusual that someone messes up the picking of the letters.
18:28LAUGHTER
18:29OK, while you crack on with that,
18:31I've got a side hustle.
18:32I'm a couples therapist.
18:33LAUGHTER
18:35OK.
18:37Right.
18:38OK.
18:41OK.
18:49This is, uh...
18:50This is Mark Obama and Oprah Woofrey.
18:55Um...
18:55Your time starts now.
18:57Uh, well, where should we begin?
18:59OK, well, tell me about your sex life.
19:01LAUGHTER
19:04So you just do it doggy style, do you?
19:07LAUGHTER
19:07LAUGHTER
19:07Bark Obama,
19:08you're saying she won't let you bury her bone anymore?
19:12LAUGHTER
19:13LAUGHTER
19:13You can't, if you don't mind me saying, real dog breath.
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16How did you two meet?
19:17LAUGHTER
19:18Dogging.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:20Mate, I think you should leave her, she's a bitch.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:27Well, I see you two have made up now, so that'll be £500, please.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:34OK, round of applause, everyone, for our dogs and their handlers.
19:39APPLAUSE
19:44Rob, how many?
19:47Catherine, how many?
19:47Six.
19:48Six, OK.
19:49Judy?
19:50Six.
19:50John, how many?
19:51Seven.
19:52Seven, OK.
19:52Rob, what's your six?
19:53Aliens.
19:54Catherine, your six?
19:55Claws.
19:56OK.
19:57Oh, nice.
19:57Judy, your six?
19:58I had uncles.
20:00John, for the win, your seven.
20:03Uh...
20:03Glances.
20:04Oh.
20:06Wow.
20:07He really did, didn't he?
20:09Seven points to John.
20:10Uh, Susie, could they have done you better?
20:14You could have had lunacies for eight.
20:16So, at the end of that, John and Judy are in the lead with seven points.
20:20APPLAUSE
20:22On to our first numbers round.
20:24Judy, you get your pick of the numbers.
20:27Uh...
20:27No, just do it.
20:28Ten.
20:29You're ten?
20:31Now, up to four big ones.
20:32Yeah.
20:33And then the rest little ones.
20:35So, I'll pick...
20:37Ten.
20:38No.
20:39What numbers?
20:41Well, you don't get to pick the numbers, that's why it's fun.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:44So, you get to say, two big or three big or four big.
20:47OK, so, three big ones.
20:49Three big ones.
20:50Ooh.
20:50And...
20:50How many?
20:51I don't think we were going to win this round.
20:55Four small ones.
20:56Shall we go for three small ones?
20:57Three small.
20:58How many numbers can we pick all together?
20:59Six.
21:00It's changed.
21:01Has that changed?
21:02They haven't even changed the fucking chair.
21:06They haven't even changed the fucking chair.
21:08They haven't changed the fucking chair.
21:08They haven't changed the fucking chair.
21:10They haven't changed the fucking chair.
21:11It was different last time.
21:14But I was picking numbers.
21:15You predicted the future tonight, you didn't see this coming.
21:19LAUGHTER
21:20OK, three small ones.
21:21Seven, nine, and ten.
21:24You've got your ten.
21:25And the big ones.
21:26Fifty, twenty-five, and one hundred.
21:29Oh, yes!
21:30I remember that.
21:30LAUGHTER
21:32112.
21:33OK, your target is 112.
21:34Your time starts now.
21:36Do you have to use...
21:36I'm sorry.
21:37I've done it.
21:38I've done it.
21:41I've done it.
21:53I've done it.
21:55I've done it.
21:57I've done it.
22:00It's again.
22:02Oh, I know.
22:05I've done it.
22:06I've done it.
22:08No-one else.
22:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:14We did it right!
22:17LAUGHTER
22:17Rob, did you get it?
22:19Yeah!
22:21First time ever.
22:22Really quick.
22:23Taking them over.
22:24Can I check?
22:25You don't have to use all the numbers, do you?
22:26Yes.
22:27No.
22:28Woo!
22:29We don't have to use all the numbers!
22:32Judy!
22:34Judy!
22:35Did you get it?
22:36Well, if I knew that we didn't have to use all the numbers, of course I would have
22:40bloody got it.
22:41I would have got it.
22:42I got 99.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:46Drops to half!
22:49LAUGHTER
22:52Yeah!
22:53Shut it out!
22:55So, I did.
22:56How did you get less than a hundred?
22:59LAUGHTER
22:59There's a fucking hundred there!
23:02A hundred take away 50 equals 50.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:07LAUGHTER
23:08Take away 25 equals 25.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:11And then 25 take away 10, left 15.
23:15LAUGHTER
23:15And then...
23:16LAUGHTER
23:18Added 15 to 100 was 115.
23:22Oh, my God.
23:22And then I added seven and nine, which was 16.
23:26And took away 16 from 115, which was 99.
23:31APPLAUSE
23:38Wow.
23:39Judy, do you want to be my accountant?
23:45Wow.
23:47Judy, do you want to be my accountant?
23:58Plus 10 is 12, plus 100 is 112.
24:01Yep.
24:02APPLAUSE
24:04Oh!
24:05I didn't think that would happen.
24:06Um, John, did you get it?
24:08I did 50 over 10, plus 7 for the 12.
24:11Yeah, that'll do.
24:12No.
24:13Ten points for both teams.
24:14APPLAUSE
24:15And here is your teaser.
24:17The words are wang, sight.
24:19The clue is...
24:20Is it a hoi in here?
24:21That's wang, sight.
24:22Is it a hoi in here?
24:23See you after the break.
24:31APPLAUSE
24:40Welcome back.
24:41The answer to the teaser.
24:42The words were wang, sight.
24:43The clue was...
24:44Is it hot in here?
24:45Is, of course, sweating.
24:47OK, so John and Judy are in the lead.
24:49They've been playing in teams so far,
24:51but this game is just for Rob and Judy.
24:54Huh?
24:54So, Judy, your turn to choose the letters.
24:57Vow.
24:57Yep.
24:58Nailed it.
24:59E.
25:00Consonant.
25:01T.
25:02Consonant.
25:03John, while this is...
25:04While this is going on, we should probably...
25:06Vow.
25:06A.
25:07Vow.
25:08I booked his Pilates.
25:09Oh, yeah, great.
25:11Vowel.
25:12Shall we?
25:12Yeah, which one?
25:14Continent.
25:15T.
25:16Continent.
25:16It's not that I'm not interested,
25:17I just think this is going to be shit.
25:20Vowel.
25:21I might just...
25:21If I go...
25:23E.
25:24Right.
25:24I've actually only hired one machine,
25:26so we'll both have to go on at the same time,
25:27so if you go there...
25:28Yeah?
25:28Yeah, you grab that.
25:29Yeah.
25:31LAUGHTER
25:33Was it lentils again, was it?
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36OK, your time starts...
25:38now.
25:39Can you feel the bird?
25:53LAUGHTER
26:00Can you feel the bird?
26:03LAUGHTER
26:04LAUGHTER
26:19So John, do you mind if I just take the tip out?
26:24I've got tear, if that's anything.
26:27Judy, love, have you got your phone out?
26:29I was just checking the spelling.
26:34LAUGHTER
26:34Sorry, John, do you...
26:37Oh, John...
26:39Is that reformed Pilates?
26:42It explains why they're so fucking angry.
26:44It's amazing. It's really good.
26:47I liked it, yeah, but it's nice to be intimate.
26:50Judy, how many?
26:51Five, six.
26:53Five, six, OK.
26:55Rob, how many did you get?
26:56OK, we're behind.
26:57I've got a solid six, but I'm going in for a seven.
27:00OK, all right, so, Judy, what is your six?
27:03I've got stereo.
27:06Two E's for stereo.
27:08What, sorry?
27:08There's two E's here, right?
27:09Yeah, there are two E's, sorry.
27:11Yeah, yeah.
27:12The tables have turned!
27:15Respect them.
27:17I'm sorry to have to do this, but, um, you're fired.
27:20Yeah.
27:22Anyway, sorry, stereo, very good.
27:26Rob, you're risky seven.
27:29Yeah, well...
27:29Kenny, Kenny...
27:30I know, well, first of all, I'm fucked up.
27:34Because it was risky anyway, but it's even riskier now that I've included a third E.
27:42What else is the risky seven?
27:44Oh, no.
27:45Tee-tees.
27:47What?
27:48Tee-tees?
27:49Tee-tees.
27:49I've got a place as a backup for seven, if that's allowed.
27:53No, it's just Rob.
27:54OK.
27:57Erm, Tee-tees not in, but Tee-tees.
28:01Tee-tees.
28:16Tee-tees.
28:18Tee-tees for eight.
28:19Tee-tees for eight.
28:20Right, now time for John and Catherine to go head-to-head.
28:23Uh, Catherine, your turn to pick the numbers.
28:25You've got to pick a big number.
28:28LAUGHTER
28:31Have two big ones and four small ones, please.
28:34You can.
28:34Because two plus four equals six.
28:37Judy, write that down, it might come in handy later.
28:40Four little ones.
28:42We have ten, six, five, four, and then your big two.
28:4650 and 25.
28:48Could you tell me, help me, please?
28:49And the target, 223.
28:51I feel sick.
28:51OK, your time starts now.
28:53MUSIC PLAYS
29:24OK, so your target was 223.
29:28John, did you get it to to for a little bit disappointed? Catherine? Did you get it? Oh?
29:342-2-4
29:35But I was very pleased with that
29:39Okay, how did you that's what I was going for 25 times 10 25 times 30 50 5 times 4
29:485 times 4 20 take away 20 from 250 and then 230 minus 6. Yeah
29:542-2-4 went away John, how would you have done it?
29:57Have you not been an idiot if I hadn't recently been penetrated in the workplace?
30:0450 times 4 is 200 200 add 25 25 and then 10 over 5 is 2. Yeah, well done
30:15So John you didn't get in time so seven points for both teams
30:20Time now to go across to the dictionary corner Spencer. What have you got for us? Well
30:27When I was younger my Nan and Grandad had a
30:31A really really aggressive parrot called Bobby Bobby was ringside for every single argument my Nan and Grandad ever had
30:39And he learned a lot of their their swear words, so I'm going to show you Bobby right now
30:44But first they're going to put this here like that
30:51You're going to work that yeah, I'm going to work
30:55And so that's like that yeah, and then grab that
31:09Every day stuck in this cage
31:15I just want to fly away
31:20Every day looking at these walls
31:26But no one is my close
31:30Who's a pretty boy? I'm a pretty boy
31:33Who's a pretty boy? I'm a pretty boy
31:35They ask me all the time
31:37They're always asking me
31:42Holding this together
31:46That's a whole lot of feathers
31:52Oi! Stop that you dirty bugger! Stop that Derek! No! No! No! No! That's not my milk! That's my milk!
32:02No you can't part there! No stop that! That is not my smell!
32:07I did not fart!
32:09I did not fart!
32:09Come out there! Come out there! Stop it Derek!
32:13I thought I'd be dead by now
32:14Stop it Derek! I thought I'd be dead by now
32:14Anyway, just that bit
32:15I thought we'd be dead by now
32:20Spencer Jones everyone
32:20Spencer Jones everyone
32:22And here is your teaser
32:23The words are arse knob
32:25The clue is thank you my lady
32:27That's arse knob
32:28Thank you my lady
32:29See you after the break
32:30Spencer Jones!
32:43Thank you
32:45Thank you
32:45Thank you
32:45Welcome back the answer to the teaser
32:48The words were arse knob
32:49The clue was thank you m'lady
32:51It was of course
32:53Baroness
32:59If you could do it when we can score some fucking points
33:03Now the keen-eyed viewer might have noticed that I've added an extra player
33:08It's because Rob and Katherine are lagging behind so I thought I'll give you an extra team member
33:13Please welcome everyone comedian John Totill
33:20It looks like if you asked AI to draw a picture of Henry VIII before he let himself go
33:27I think I look a bit like your long-lost son
33:30Oh my god!
33:32Do you not look like a family?
33:34Yeah, absolutely! Hello darling!
33:39I don't know I feel like I'm being dragged into the gingers to be honest with you
33:43How old are you?
33:45I am almost Yori
33:47I'm 28
33:47How old are you?
33:48Almost his age!
33:54How old are you?
33:5539, so actually from where I'm from, old enough
34:01So John, welcome to the show, you used to be a teacher, is that right?
34:05Yes, that's right, yeah, I used to work in a primary school
34:06I'm slightly worried that I've been brought on here to support the losing team
34:10But I was not a good teacher
34:12I was a really bad, I was in the words of one of my own students, a dog shit teacher
34:17I taught year four
34:20Do you think you're going to help this team?
34:22No
34:23I can't do countdown, I really can't
34:25I can't even count down, do you know what I mean?
34:28Counting up, you should see me counting up, fucking hell
34:30One, two, three, I could go on
34:34You only practiced once a year at New Year's Eve, didn't you?
34:36Well no, I used to practice in wet play
34:38Wet play, yeah, with the kid
34:39Horrible phrase, isn't it?
34:40Wet play
34:42If I'm honest, if you're a woman over a certain age, wet play is a good word
34:48John, have you got a master?
34:50I do, yes, yes
34:51This is my clarinet
34:53Oh
34:54Now, there you go
34:54I don't make much sense as a person
34:56Unless you know that all I did for the first 18 years of my life
35:02I know
35:02Was practice clarinet
35:04Wow
35:04Now, I haven't come here to brag or anything
35:06But between you and me, I am what you would call
35:09Seriously good at the clarinet
35:10Wow
35:11And you know that's true, because why would I lie about that?
35:14I'm not coming here going
35:15The thing is guys, I'm really good in bed
35:17I'm nothing to write home about in bed whatsoever
35:19What I'm really good at is the clarinet
35:22You wouldn't lie about it with a clarinet in your hand
35:25You don't whip that out for wet play, dear
35:30Can we get a little sample of this?
35:32Of course you can
35:34.
35:42.
35:46You know what I mean?
35:47.
35:50.
35:51.
35:56There's not a dry seat in the house
36:00We're going to fuck you up
36:01John Totten
36:04Look what those fingers can do with a clarinet wait till he gets on a bar
36:09Okay, John Totten your turn to pick the letters. Oh great. Okay. Could I please have a vowel?
36:14Yeah, it's already more confident than us. Yeah. Yeah, could I have a consonant and another consonant, please see
36:20Wow, please God feel so confident. I feel already safe. Yeah
36:25Another vowel, please
36:27Hey
36:28And could I have a consonant, please see another consonant?
36:32And a consonant, please and one last vowel, please. Thank you
36:37Any can you do this and play the countdown theme on the clarinet at the same time? I'll give it
36:42a go. I'll put some to me. Yeah
36:46Okay, and your time starts a two three four now
37:13Don't stop
37:28I've got seven. John, what have you got? I've got zero. He's got nothing. You've got nothing. You're playing the
37:32clarinet. Yeah, I've got an alibi
37:33Yeah, Catherine, you've got seven Judy. How many six five four four five five?
37:41I got a name Dante
37:45Okay, I John how many eight we're all having fun over it think we've done well you slide your eight
37:51in
37:51What's your eight? What's your eight? I did that on the Pilates earlier
37:56Catherine, what's your what? Tainted. Tainted. Oh, nice
38:01Rob, your seven? Tainted. Touch, movie, routine
38:04I love John, it's a lovely guy, but when he's winning this little weasel comes out
38:13Okay, John, what is your eight? Dominate
38:22Okay, Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better not any better? We've got two of the rates antidote and
38:27a word I never heard for
38:30Tomateen tomateen tomateen. Yes, it's a compound in tomatoes. So at the end of that John and Judy are in
38:35the lead with 38 points
38:37Thank you
38:43Dictionary corner, Spencer, what have you got for us? Um, well currently I'm a bit skint
38:48Eventually get paid you go from I'm just gonna have Binge and Toast tonight to this guy
38:55Just been paid tonight
38:58Put your money away mate, I'll get these
39:0212 Zambucas please mate, does anyone else want 12 Zambucas? They're all for me
39:07While you've been skinked, you've been having a little look online, you might have been having a look at a
39:10new laptop, Susie
39:12Um, but that little voice at your end, once you start it, it starts to get louder and louder
39:16Starts going, I'm gonna buy a stepladder
39:20It's useful
39:23Heelys
39:25In my size
39:28So I bought that
39:35And you know like everyone's got a rap song that they swear they know the words to
39:39But they don't know the words, you know that song they don't know the words, they should know how every
39:43word sounds
39:44Happens in the car with me and a rap song will come and I'll go kids I know this one
39:47from back in the day
39:48Don't know the words just make up the words, just like
39:50Scam scams got a poop at your teeth
39:52He's got a ram bam boobie bumbadum in a knee
39:55Shove in a like a chemist show me to say
39:57He said a cry scat bapadabba dominant name
40:01Shove about it, hold a close and shout it
40:03He said skit bapadabba num in a can then be
40:06Shove in a man a bum in a man
40:12Stacey Jones, everyone
40:17And here is your final teaser, the words are Rob's pole
40:21The clue is try and keep a straight face
40:23That's Rob's pole, try and keep a straight face
40:25See you after the break
40:40Welcome back, the answer to the teaser
40:41The words were Rob's pole, the clue was try and keep a straight face
40:45It was of course bloopers
40:46Okay, time for our final letters game
40:48John and Judy, your turn to choose the letters
40:50Go on King, late
40:52Wow
40:54Daddy's got this
40:57Daddy
40:59Why are you brewing that?
41:03Jimmy's getting his gloves up
41:05You ready for daddy?
41:09That's how he eats a sandwich, fucking cereal killer
41:16May I have a consonant please, Rachel
41:18You may
41:19N
41:20And a vowel please
41:23O
41:24Got two words, too low
41:28And we're going to stick, thank you
41:32A consonant please
41:34L
41:35And a vowel please
41:38U
41:38And a consonant please
41:40R
41:41A vowel please
41:42E
41:43And a consonant please
41:46Q
41:46Okay, while you do that, I've got a patient to see
41:48A consonant please
41:50K
41:51Oh these are awful
41:53Ooooo
41:54A consonant please
41:56A consonant please
41:57And a final G
41:58Oh dear
41:59Wicked hell
42:00Wicked hell
42:00Wicked hell
42:01Okay next
42:05How are you again?
42:08With the dog breath, how's the missus?
42:10You can, you can brush your little teeth ins
42:12Okay, your time starts now
42:18Are you okay? How are you canines?
42:21Such a good boy.
42:23You want a brush? Brush, brush?
42:25I want one.
42:26It's nice, isn't it?
42:39Yeah, I tell you what.
42:49Is this your dog?
42:52Could you give me a smile there?
42:53Because it's quite a resemblance.
43:00Go on, you go to mummy.
43:05Catherine, John, Ralph, how many?
43:07I've got five.
43:08Okay, John.
43:09I've got three.
43:10A three? Catherine, how many?
43:12I've got seven, Jimmy.
43:13Okay, Judy, how many?
43:15Surprisingly, two.
43:18We've got a seven.
43:19Judy and I, we've got a seven, yeah.
43:24Judy, what's your two?
43:26No.
43:29John, what's your...
43:30No.
43:31No-r.
43:32No-r.
43:33No-r.
43:34No-r.
43:35Yeah, Rob.
43:35Loner.
43:36Loner.
43:37Very good.
43:38John, your seven?
43:38I want to hear her.
43:39I want to help her.
43:40Traditionally on the show, you go with the risky one first.
43:42Okay, all right, let's go with it.
43:43But no, I don't give a shit, because I'm just...
43:46Do you not give a shit, or are you really annoyed?
43:47I'm here for shits and giggles, mate, and I've already had one.
43:50Can I...
43:51LAUGHTER
43:52LAUGHTER
43:57Lounger.
43:57Uh, Catherine, is that your seven?
43:59Well, similar, I've got longer, but I don't...
44:02Oh, lovely.
44:04I think you two use for that.
44:05So it's L-O-N-G-U-E-U-R.
44:08Seven points to John.
44:11Oh, Catherine.
44:15Uh, Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:17No, Lounger was ours as well.
44:20Now, whenever we have the clarinet played on the show,
44:23we do something a little bit special.
44:24The traditional countdown is a 29-point conundrum.
44:27LAUGHTER
44:28I look forward to losing that.
44:29You're being...
44:30You're being patronised, Rob, and I wouldn't stand for it.
44:33OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's 29-point...
44:38...countdown conundrum.
44:39She doesn't know where the buzzer is.
44:42Well, in fairness, Judy, we didn't give you a buzzer,
44:45because we don't think you're going to need it.
44:48OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's
44:50crucial countdown conundrum.
44:52Your time starts...
44:53Go on, John.
44:54At least look.
44:58Oh, you're joking.
45:00Oh, no.
45:01I haven't got it.
45:02Let's restart that.
45:10MUSIC PLAYS
45:12ORANGE
45:12ORANGE
45:14ORANGE
45:14It's not a good sound.
45:16It's not a good sound.
45:16Absolutely wrong.
45:17Wrong.
45:18Oh.
45:19Something!
45:21Foreigner!
45:23I can't shout that anyway.
45:29All right.
45:31Let's have a look and see if Judy Love has got the conundrum.
45:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:40So, the final scores are...
45:44Rob and Catherine and John have 17 points.
45:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:48John and Judy have 74.
45:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:58Judy, fuck it, sit down!
46:01Judy, fuck it, sit down!
46:03LAUGHTER
46:04LAUGHTER
46:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:16Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this,
46:18the Countdown Fencing Kids.
46:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:24Thanks to all our parents, our wonderful studio audience,
46:26and all of you for watching them.
46:28That's it from us.
46:28Good night!
46:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:40The final, Senegal versus Morocco, live Sunday at half six on E4.
46:44Here next on Channel 4,
46:47are the secrets of their comedy genius
46:49finally revealed in Taskmaster Class?
46:52APPLAUSE
46:55APPLAUSE
46:56LAUGHTER
46:59MUSIC
47:00MUSIC
47:00MUSIC
47:01MUSIC
47:01MUSIC
47:01You
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