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Taskmaster - S16E09 - Fagin at the Disco [Full Movie] [Trending]Full EP - Full
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00:34Hello! Welcome to the show!
00:37I'm Greg Davis.
00:39If Taskmaster is the new Coliseum, then our contestants are lying fodder.
00:43If Taskmaster is the Olympics, then these five need to beef up on roids big time.
00:47If Taskmaster is the new religion, then I'm the mother flipping pope.
00:51And I don't smoke dope.
00:53And I've never owned a soap on a rope.
00:54Wow!
00:55Writing introductions is increasingly tough.
00:58So, let's crack on and meet our colossal contenders.
01:02They are Julian Clary!
01:04.
01:05.
01:05.
01:05.
01:05.
01:07.
01:07.
01:07.
01:08.
01:08.
01:16And next to me, the answer to the question,
01:18which well-known presenter does little plops in the toilet
01:21like the ones you'd expect to see from a sheep?
01:24It's...
01:25A little Alex Hart!
01:31All right. Hello.
01:33Say again.
01:35Go on, what are you preoccupied with?
01:37Oh, was I...?
01:37Sorry. Yeah, no, no.
01:38Not very professional. Just a new WhatsApp group.
01:42Yep. I love WhatsApp.
01:43Do you? Just the groups and...
01:45Anyway. OK. Yes, I'm not looking forward to the show.
01:49Shall we look at your WhatsApp group?
01:50Really? Yep.
01:51It's sort of me and my friends.
01:53Yep.
01:55Let me see.
01:56My actual friends.
02:00The little ones.
02:03The name of the group, yeah.
02:04Yeah. Who's in it?
02:05Lil Nas is in it, is he? Yeah.
02:08What does he say?
02:09Hey, guys, you're free Wednesday.
02:11Got some little plans.
02:13That's so funny.
02:14What's so funny?
02:15You say, nah, man, not Wednesday.
02:17Swimming lesson.
02:20You know this.
02:21You should do.
02:22And Lil Nas says,
02:23Lil Wayne, you're around next Wednesday.
02:27Like I say, I've got some Lil plans.
02:30Lil Wayne says, also not free Wednesday.
02:32I've got my climbing lesson.
02:33Always Wednesday.
02:34I thought you knew that Lil Nas.
02:36Yep.
02:36And there are lots of exclamation marks.
02:38And then in comes Richard Littlejohn.
02:40LAUGHTER
02:41He says, hi, guys.
02:43Love the banter, as always.
02:44Yeah.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:48And now free on Wednesday is my javelin practice.
02:51LAUGHTER
02:52My javelin practice has been moved to Sunday mornings.
02:578am, WTF.
02:58Yeah.
02:58It's not early.
02:58Isn't that early for javelin?
03:00Yeah.
03:00Yeah.
03:01I've messaged him back for you.
03:03What did you say?
03:06Oh.
03:08I don't think they've ever heard me using that word before.
03:11LAUGHTER
03:13OK, that's just enough.
03:14Right, on with the price tag.
03:16Yes, and you'll like this one, Greg, because they've been asked to bring in
03:19the bit of old crap that Greg likes the best.
03:22Wow, you are getting lazy.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25We all know Greg likes old crap, but what old crap does Greg like best?
03:30Best old crap equals five points, and the winner today
03:32will take home five bits of old crap.
03:34Crappy days!
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36OK, Julian, what bit of crap have you brought in?
03:39Oh, you're going to love this.
03:40It's a ceramic soldier from a junk shop.
03:42There we go.
03:44So, gentlemen at arms...
03:45I bought it to annoy my husband because I thought he'd hate it,
03:48but actually, we've grown to love him.
03:50We call him Bernard.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:52And he's everything you'd want in a soldier.
03:54He's well presented, he's very, very smart,
03:58and probably available for no-strings fun round the back of the barracks.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:04You get that vibe.
04:05He's got that look in his eye, hasn't he?
04:07Why does it have to be no strings?
04:09LAUGHTER
04:09That's how we like it.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13I wonder where that tradition came from,
04:15of soldiers having big feathers on their head.
04:18Any idea?
04:19Yeah, yeah, I know.
04:21OK.
04:22Lucy, can you beat a ceramic soldier?
04:26This is mouse-dropping.
04:28Oh.
04:28Basically, where my mum lived when she was growing up,
04:32she lived next door to an older couple,
04:35and they couldn't have children.
04:37So, the husband, he bought a monkey off a sailor.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:41But the monkey bit her nose off.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:44And so I was never allowed pets.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:48But my mum did eventually get me a hamster.
04:52And one night, it ran across the settee,
04:56and so because it scared her, she whacked it and killed it.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:00But because of that, my mum's now got mice in her pantry,
05:04and instead of getting rid of them, she's keeping them like pets.
05:08And that's the job in her.
05:10LAUGHTER
05:12So, the feathers are just a symbol of their collective identity.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16I just feel like I've done what you've asked me to do.
05:20You haven't done me.
05:21You've just given me an awful insight into your upbringing.
05:24LAUGHTER
05:25And then you've brought me a plate full of shit.
05:27That's what I've done.
05:28I understand.
05:29What have you brought?
05:30It's my national insurance number.
05:33LAUGHTER
05:33I had to get a national insurance number.
05:35Yeah, we all have to.
05:36They rang me up.
05:37They said, how do you want it?
05:38You can send in a letter, or just email,
05:41or you can get it on a cassette.
05:43A cassette?
05:46It's to blind people so they can hear the number instead.
05:49Oh.
05:49Yeah, no surprise.
05:50Wow.
05:51And this is what his national insurance number is.
05:54From the Department for Work and Pensions.
05:57Your reference.
05:59One...
06:00..six...
06:01..six...
06:02Pretty good.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:05I sort of do want it.
06:07Cos you have trouble sleeping.
06:08I do have trouble sleeping, yeah.
06:10Chuck that on.
06:11Chuck that on.
06:11LAUGHTER
06:13Hi, Sue.
06:14Hi, you.
06:15Can you beat a plate full of shit?
06:17A tape security number?
06:19A soldier?
06:20I brought this in.
06:21Atomic energy badge for Boy Scouts in 1960s America.
06:26To get this badge, as a Boy Scout, you had to build an electroscope,
06:31build a Geiger counter, go to a place underground with radiation...
06:36..and record the measurements.
06:38That's genuinely fascinating.
06:40Yeah.
06:40And I've got to say, I think it might have the edge over a plate full of shit.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:45Hello, Susan.
06:46The thing that I've brought in is my childhood pet.
06:51So, here is Susan's bit of old crap.
06:53Yep.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:54I really wanted a dog, but my mum, she's Nigerian,
06:58so she doesn't really understand the concept of bringing a wild,
07:01hostile animal like a puppy into your home.
07:03It just doesn't translate.
07:04OK.
07:04So, one day, I was with my childhood friend, Aurora.
07:08She's very arts and crafty, she calls her parents by their first name.
07:12Really weird.
07:13Really weird.
07:13Put yourself together, Aurora.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:15And so, we decided to walk along the Woolworth Road
07:20and each find a leaf, which we then covered in sticky-back plastic,
07:25and I decided to name my childhood pet Le Fleur,
07:29and that is a true story and I feel a bit sick.
07:32LAUGHTER
07:33I'm not surprised.
07:35It's genuinely heartbreaking that someone would have a pet
07:38that is a laminated leaf.
07:40LAUGHTER
07:40Not easy for you this, Greg.
07:42I mean, it's not that hard.
07:44LAUGHTER
07:45It'll come as little surprise that the thing I want to take home
07:48least is a big pile of my shit.
07:51One point to lose it.
07:52One point.
07:52OK.
07:52What do you think I want to take home least the next?
07:54I think it's the national insurance number of an Australian comedian.
07:58It isn't.
07:59Oh!
08:00It's a laminated leaf.
08:02Two points to Susan, then, is it?
08:04Yep.
08:04OK.
08:05I sort of want that soldier.
08:06Wait, wait, is this getting three points?
08:08Yeah.
08:08I can't explain why I want Sam's tape.
08:11I almost want it the most.
08:13LAUGHTER
08:14But not quite.
08:15I want the atomic badge the most.
08:16So I'm going to give four points to Sam's weird tape
08:19and five points to the atomic badge.
08:21There we go.
08:22Well done, Sue Perkins.
08:23Winter Pearl.
08:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:26OK, let's get going.
08:27Stop.
08:27Go.
08:47And stop.
08:49This...
08:50is already...
08:52majestic.
08:53Standard sweeper.
08:55I haven't got a driver's licence.
08:57Do you have a driver's licence?
08:58I do.
08:59It took a while to get.
09:00I can't drive.
09:00I'm a Londoner.
09:02We don't drive.
09:03You just go on the bus or the DLR and go boop, boop at the front.
09:07Can you drive, Sam?
09:08I can drive people crazy.
09:10Do you have a licence?
09:11No, I only have a licence, Alex.
09:13I am a member of the Advanced Motorists' Association.
09:16So stick that in your pipe.
09:19Drive.
09:19That's good.
09:20The first word.
09:21Drive across the finish line.
09:24You must obey all the rules of the road
09:26and must only stop your vehicle at a traffic signal.
09:33If you disobey a rule, Alex will blow his whistle
09:37and you must return to the start.
09:39Back here.
09:40Back here.
09:41For a ten-second driving lesson.
09:43Fastest wins.
09:45Your time starts when the traffic signals first change.
09:49So I'm going to teach you about this vehicle.
09:51Right.
09:52This is the horn.
09:54Alex.
09:55Sorry.
09:56It's all right.
09:57Not yet.
09:58Not yet.
09:59Yep.
09:59The lesson hasn't quite finished or started.
10:02It goes up to ten miles an hour.
10:04Oh, I'm going to push this bitch.
10:06I'm going to push it.
10:07I'm not entirely clear about these signals.
10:09No.
10:09No.
10:10I'm assuming red means stop.
10:12No.
10:13It doesn't.
10:14No.
10:14You start when the traffic signals change.
10:16OK.
10:27There were things that surprised me about the intro.
10:29I'm going to push this bitch.
10:32That's the reason it took 14 years to get the licence.
10:36LAUGHTER
10:37Julian, you're an advanced driver.
10:39Well, my father was a traffic policeman, so he knew about this organisation.
10:44They teach you how to drive extra safely and you get a sticker to put in your car.
10:50But can you also do donuts in a car park and stuff?
10:53I have been known.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:58Things that didn't surprise me.
11:00Sam and Lucy can't drive.
11:01And Radha sits on the front of trains and pretends she's the driver.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:06I'm happy to see their attempts.
11:08So, neither of these two have a licence and neither of them should ever have a licence.
11:12It's Lucy and it is also Sam.
11:14Here we go.
11:15You can start when the traffic signals change.
11:17Right.
11:28What's up?
11:31Please come back for a driving lesson.
11:38Hello, Sam.
11:39How are you?
11:40Welcome to your first driving lesson.
11:44LAUGHTER
11:47Hello, Lucy.
11:48You clearly didn't obey the amber signal there.
11:51I don't know what it means.
11:52Well, amber means to activate your brushes.
11:54What does red mean?
11:55You've got two seconds left.
11:56Red means go.
11:56Off you go.
12:11You did very well with the brushes that time, but then you hit the purple one.
12:13And, of course, that purple, you must get out of your vehicle, walk round it and get back in it
12:17and carry on.
12:18Right.
12:19OK.
12:19What's green mean?
12:20Green.
12:21Wait for three seconds.
12:22Off you go.
12:22Ready to go.
12:23Go, go, go.
12:32Blue means you have to come back to the previous signal and then carry on.
12:35Oh, yeah, yeah.
12:36What's yellow?
12:36Yellow means you've got to beep your horn and carry on.
12:38We're getting there.
12:39Yeah.
12:40Oh, bye-bye.
12:42What the hell?
12:43What the hell?
12:44You've failed to activate your brushes.
12:48Orange means go.
12:49No.
12:52Shall I come back on foot?
12:54If you want.
12:55Hello, Lucy.
12:56Turn them on.
12:57Purple is spin.
12:58Obviously, I would be able to do it if I had that with me.
13:01You want my piece of paper?
13:02Yeah.
13:06Lovely.
13:10Very good.
13:12Very good.
13:25I've still at the top.
13:31What?
13:32You're not allowed to stop unless you're next to a traffic signal.
13:35Can you come back for a driving lesson, please?
13:37What the hell?
13:38That was good.
13:39Oh.
13:40What happens if this goes forever?
13:42Don't you have other things to film?
13:58You should be ashamed.
14:00You should be ashamed.
14:02You should be ashamed.
14:06Well, firstly, you enjoyed your flashing blue hat and your authority too much, didn't you?
14:10I enjoyed it a lot.
14:11You did?
14:12Blow in his little whistle.
14:14What a knob.
14:15Now, Lucy, and I say this only in driving terms, I think there's something wrong with you.
14:22That's what the instructor said.
14:26Sam, you seemed very annoyed when you were called back at one point.
14:29Yes, I think I know what you mean.
14:30It's this bit.
14:33WHISTLING
14:37He kept whistling and the authority figure, his hat was pissing me off, man.
14:42Yeah.
14:42And he was smirking and he was nasty.
14:45He's a spiteful little shit, isn't he?
14:47Ooh, they're not doing my task right.
14:51He took 26 minutes and 22 seconds.
14:54Is that good?
14:55No.
14:57Lucy, 24 minutes and 30 seconds.
14:59They're pretty similar times, but Lucy's in the lead at the moment.
15:01Well done, Lucy.
15:03APPLAUSE
15:05That's a bit of time, and it's a real opportunity to practise mindfulness.
15:09Close your eyes and breathe.
15:11Then make a list of all the things you haven't done.
15:13Jesus, you're behind. Get up. Panic.
15:14No-one thinks you're up to the job.
15:16Argh!
15:23APPLAUSE
15:28Hello! Hello again.
15:30Welcome to part two of Taskmaster, where our comedians are learning the Taskmaster rules of the road.
15:35Yes, Greg, it's our way or the highway code.
15:39We've seen Sam and Lucy, now for Sue Perkins, and our resident advanced motorist, Mr Julian Clary.
15:45Off we go.
15:48WHISTLE BLOWS
15:50Sorry, Julian. Would you mind coming back for a driving lesson?
15:57Hello, Julian.
15:58Hello. Did I do something wrong?
16:00So, you failed to obey the amber signal, which is, of course, activate brushes.
16:04And red means?
16:04Go.
16:05Blue.
16:05Blue means return to the previous signal, and obey that signal as well.
16:09OK.
16:12I'm returning.
16:13Oh, yeah, I knew it.
16:15Do you have a pen?
16:16Father taught me to drive.
16:17Did he?
16:18I passed on my 17th birthday.
16:20Oh.
16:20Happy days.
16:21Happy birthday.
16:23I, um...
16:24Well, enough about you.
16:25Yeah, OK.
16:27Let's go.
16:30WHISTLE BLOWS
16:31Oh, dear.
16:33I can't read my own hands!
16:36Oh, don't...
16:38So annoying!
16:40Bye-bye.
16:41Bye.
16:42Activate brushes.
16:49All right, so far?
16:51Really nice.
16:51Really nice.
16:52Really nice.
17:02I don't want it to end!
17:10I've stopped the clock!
17:16What was yellow ten-second driving lesson, please
17:38I'm not sure in the history of this show we've ever had such a chillingly calm meltdown
17:43Well, that just smelt freedom. It was like a lightbulb filament burnt out. And then, nah, I'm out. It's not
17:53for me. I mean, all that blowing. I don't know how long I was there for, but it was a
17:58long time.
17:59Well, it wasn't that long. 13 minutes. You've got a shorter fuse than you thought, Julian. He was the only
18:08one there to talk to. Oh, God, awful.
18:11Erm, so Julian gets no points, but, you know, what a glorious crash and burn. It's all worth it.
18:17Sue, I've just realised that whatever we've asked you to do for this whole series, you look like it's your
18:22job.
18:23I'm really pittable, that's the thing. I'm told to do something, I go, absolutely, and then I'm just it.
18:27You really did push that bitch? No! She was an exhausted bitch by the time.
18:34She pushed the bitch for a total of 11 minutes and 43 seconds. Wow!
18:43Who's next? Here is Susan on the sweep.
18:52What do I do? Please come back for a driving lesson.
18:55Oh, my God! All right.
18:59Ah!
19:01Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
19:04I need to press the WhatsApp.
19:07Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, wait, wait. I've got it. Everyone calm down.
19:11Good. Stop, stop, stop, stop!
19:15I'm sorry, I need to have killed you. I'm so sorry.
19:19Why does it keep doing the half? Why does it do the half?
19:23Stop, stop, stop!
19:31Welcome to your first driving lesson.
19:33Unfortunately, you didn't obey the amber signal.
19:35Amber, of course, means you have to activate your brushes.
19:38Bye.
19:47Please come back for a driving lesson.
19:48What? No, no, wait!
19:49Well, I need to tell you what blue does.
19:52Lovely means to wait.
19:53Blue means to come back to the previous set of signals.
19:55Off you go.
19:56What does yellow mean now?
19:58It means you have to come back for a driving lesson.
20:00Careful.
20:05Yellow has beat the horn and carry on.
20:07Right, bye!
20:07Bye-bye!
20:11And do I keep them off?
20:21I've already got it on, so I just carry it. I'm going.
20:24I'm bloody going.
20:26You can't stop me!
20:28You can't stop me!
20:33We got there.
20:37APPLAUSE
20:38Well, here's a sentence I never thought would be said out loud.
20:42You're a worse driver than Lucy Beaumont.
20:46Why don't I have a driver's licence?
20:48No way!
20:49No, no, no!
20:50I had so much fun.
20:52Oh, good!
20:53Yeah.
20:54Especially when I nearly killed one.
20:56Didn't I hit that thing twice?
20:57Twice.
20:58The thing with the man behind?
20:59Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:00She didn't fulfil the task.
21:02She learnt really quickly.
21:04So at first you were turning left, but not understanding why it went left.
21:08You managed to time it better than anyone else with the flag.
21:11So you did it in 13 minutes 50 seconds.
21:14Oh, God, that's...
21:14Oh, what!
21:17It was amazing.
21:19APPLAUSE
21:19But it means Sam gets two points, three for Lucy, four for Susan,
21:22but Sue Perkins gets five points!
21:24There we are!
21:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:27And a scoreboard, please.
21:28Maximum points at the moment goes to Sue Perkins in the lead with ten.
21:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:33We'll then see.
21:35Maybe we have another task, please, Alex.
21:37Yes!
21:37And it's another one that really is just for you, Greg.
21:40GASPS
21:58Hello.
21:59Oh, hi, Susan.
21:59Oh, hi.
22:03Hi, Sam.
22:04Ooh, there's something in your pigeon hole.
22:06GASPS
22:08That's proper 50.
22:10GASPS
22:14Coin fever, hey?
22:16Make Greg the best gift.
22:18You have five minutes to order your items,
22:22then 15 minutes to make your gift.
22:25Your items must cost no more than £50.
22:28I will need that money.
22:30So I've got to pick these up like an animal.
22:33OK, your time starts now.
22:35Right.
22:36OK.
22:40Have you thought of anything you want me to buy yet?
22:43Yeah.
22:43OK.
22:44Shall I tell you?
22:45Yes, please.
22:45OK.
22:50Can you get me a box?
22:52Corrugated cardboard.
22:53Something furry, fluffy.
22:55A blanket.
22:59What colour?
23:00Brown.
23:02And if there's any Mr. Sheen spray and a duster, if you can afford that as well.
23:08I'd like a hairdryer.
23:09Nothing with nuts.
23:11The craziest straws that you can see.
23:13So that's up to about £8 now, do you think?
23:15You've got 30 seconds and probably about £2 left to spend.
23:17Let's put some little sweets in.
23:20Mm.
23:20Maybe he's a crisps.
23:20I think he might be a crisps man.
23:22Ferrero Rocher.
23:24We're going to spoil him.
23:26Cheap crisps.
23:26Cheap crisps.
23:27Because then we can have a few.
23:28Yeah, like that.
23:30OK.
23:31Are you OK?
23:33Yeah, I'm going to the shop.
23:34Whatever's left over, just buy yourself something.
23:36Right.
23:38All right.
23:39You've got 15 minutes to create your gift for Greg Davis.
23:42Fabulous.
23:46Um, is it appropriate to call him Sarah?
23:48Definitely.
23:51It sort of looks like you know what you're doing.
23:52I don't.
23:53Wear this one.
23:55Yeah.
23:55And then I'd like you to come out naked.
23:56Look at that.
23:57That's new.
23:58Yeah.
23:59I'm sorry I started this now.
24:02And you finished, do you?
24:03Yeah.
24:03Yeah.
24:04This is really good, by the way.
24:06You want me to pass it on?
24:08Yeah.
24:08I've got a real feeling this is going to be quite, quite wonderful.
24:12APPLAUSE
24:13We sort of set Sam up there a little bit by giving him coins where everyone else had a note.
24:18Yeah.
24:18But I think we set him up because we always know he's going to say something amazing.
24:21And I just loved coin fever, eh?
24:25LAUGHTER
24:27Why did you have an orange tie on?
24:29I was under instructions to spend whatever money was left over on something for myself.
24:33LAUGHTER
24:34I'm very excited by all of these.
24:36Well done for the sir thing.
24:38It puts me in mind of my teaching days.
24:40I thought it might.
24:41Advert time.
24:42A wise man once said,
24:44Never a borrower nor a lender be.
24:46And did that guy have an air fryer or a soda stream?
24:49No.
24:49What a loser.
24:50Apply for a new credit card immediately.
24:52The neighbours are talking about you.
25:01APPLAUSE
25:07Hello!
25:09Welcome back to Taskmaster.
25:11Well, I've been a very patient boy, haven't I, Alex?
25:14Such a patient boy, Greg, but the waiting is about to pay off.
25:17Are you ready?
25:18Yes.
25:19Let's go and get your presents.
25:20Come on.
25:22APPLAUSE
25:26Happy birthday, Greg.
25:27Present time.
25:28Yes.
25:29Let's start this end.
25:30This one is from Mr Julian Clary.
25:32Do you remember the box he made?
25:34Yes.
25:34Enjoy.
25:36Aw.
25:37That is a lovely box with pink spots on it.
25:40To serve with love for Julian.
25:41This could change your life.
25:43Oh.
25:44Oh, God.
25:49Oh, God.
25:51That is...
25:53There's more.
25:53Aw.
25:55What's that?
25:55Polish?
25:57Aw.
25:59Julian's written,
26:00Have fun, in the bottle.
26:02This is what the...
26:04Shorts.
26:05Oh, God.
26:07I mean, you know, it's getting to the time where I should consider retiring,
26:11so why don't I go out with a bang and put this on?
26:14Thank you for my...
26:16Gimp costume?
26:18OK, second present.
26:20This is from Susan Wakoma.
26:23Oh.
26:24Oh, I like that.
26:25Homemade.
26:26Oh, that is nice.
26:27I think you should put it on.
26:29Put that on.
26:30Get that on, yeah?
26:31A more cynical man would say this was just some crudely cut pieces of material...
26:36...that have been glued onto a fur coat.
26:38No, no.
26:39You've been mistaken.
26:40Do you want to go out to a fur coat?
26:42Look at that.
26:42Look at that.
26:42Give it some spin!
26:49Put these on.
26:51Yeah!
26:53They're nice.
26:54Yeah.
26:55They're nice present so far, aren't they?
26:57Honestly, they do feel quite nice.
27:01Lucy Beaumont's...
27:02...den.
27:04Oh!
27:06That's quite clever, though, because I do like a den.
27:08Well, you can hide in there waiting for your victims.
27:13There's a trailer crisps, you know, where someone might go,
27:15Oh, crisps, and then they'll come in the den and then you can get them.
27:20LAUGHTER
27:20Can you fit in there, OK?
27:22Oh.
27:28Let's see, shall we?
27:31Oh, you're going in backwards.
27:32Yes.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:35Do you like the present, Greg?
27:37No.
27:41Bit more delicate, this one.
27:42This is, er, from Sam Campbell.
27:45All for you.
27:47Oh.
27:48What is, at the bottom of the bucket, there's snow.
27:51I mean, I have to say, this is Sam's actual credit card.
27:55So, that's incredible.
27:57Yeah, it's a gentleman's basket.
28:00What was I thinking?
28:01Well, I thought when we saw you were so stylish,
28:04I didn't know you were going to start dressing like Fagin at a disco.
28:10Last one.
28:11And now you can enjoy a lovely bit of art.
28:15Oh!
28:16Is that you? That's you.
28:17Yeah, we did that in the garden.
28:19There's a version on the back with the artist in the frame.
28:22LAUGHTER
28:24I just wanted you to see Alex in a more aesthetic, romantic,
28:28perhaps even sexual way.
28:30Yeah, it's absolutely beautiful.
28:32Which is your least favourite gift, Greg?
28:34I don't want to give any of them one point.
28:36Right.
28:37I'm going to give, er, two points to Sam's gentleman's basket,
28:40because I think, well, it's insane.
28:43Lovely stuff.
28:44And I think I'm going to give, erm, three points to Susan's coat.
28:49Do you know why?
28:50Yeah. I can imagine.
28:51It's rubbish.
28:53LAUGHTER
28:54I'm going to give four points to Lucy's crisp den,
28:58and I'm going to give four points also to Julian's rubber outfit,
29:02because it's just something I've never considered before.
29:04LAUGHTER
29:05And I'm going to give five points to this beautiful painting
29:08of my favourite man in the world.
29:09Aww. Aww.
29:10Aww.
29:10Well, there we go.
29:11Sue Perkins wins the task!
29:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:14Let's go right down.
29:15BOOM!
29:18Shall we try for another?
29:19Yes, please.
29:20OK, Greg, here is some more clowning about.
29:38MUSIC PLAYS
29:44Hello!
29:45Hello there.
29:46Aww.
29:47That's a creepy clown.
29:49Don't go any closer to the clown.
29:50I don't want to, it's a clown.
29:51Good.
29:52OK, here we go.
29:53Feed the clown the most cards.
29:57No part of you must cross the threshold of the stage.
30:03This is the stage.
30:04Don't go any closer than that.
30:05Exactly.
30:06Even if a hair goes over it.
30:08You have ten minutes.
30:09Your time starts now.
30:13Pretty straightforward.
30:15Get the cards into the clown's mouth.
30:17Mm-hm.
30:17Do not cross the threshold.
30:19And I will be ruthless on this.
30:21I think we should just get on with it.
30:22OK, well, let's begin, as we so often have, with Lucy and Susan.
30:28I'm going to just try and see what my aim's saying.
30:33Cool!
30:34Have you got a fishing rod and a magnet?
30:37What I've got is a shed.
30:39I'll try again, just so that we're all aware that this is not how we're going to do this.
30:45Useless.
30:47Hello, Lucy.
30:48Hiya.
30:48Have you got a plan?
30:49Yeah.
30:50Yeah.
30:53All right, so I've done that.
30:54Yeah, I've done that.
31:06That was about six.
31:08Do you mind telling me your plan?
31:09I want to see if you'll, erm, if you'll sit on there.
31:13I don't mind sitting on a sledge.
31:14I can't cross the threshold.
31:21Can you cross the threshold?
31:23Yeah, I can.
31:23I can do what I want.
31:24Can you get me all the cards?
31:25No, thank you.
31:26What?!
31:27I don't really like clowns.
31:28No.
31:29Nobody does, do they?
31:31I'm just going to give you this card.
31:33You might need to just shuffle forward a bit.
31:36I won't be putting them in the clown's mouth.
31:38You won't be?
31:39I don't think so.
31:41Right.
31:43May I go in the shed, please?
31:45Thanks.
31:48Ah.
31:49I mean, there's nothing in here.
31:52Well, no, that's because that's not the shed.
31:55Why am I sitting on a sledge?
31:57I was probably going to push you if you needed me to.
31:59Bucky!
32:01No.
32:03You were fine, just.
32:04Was I?
32:05Er, yep.
32:06I'm over it.
32:08I've got a feeling this isn't the best way, but I don't know...
32:12I've sort of committed to it.
32:14I don't know any other way now.
32:23Well, there are some cards in the clown's mouth.
32:29APPLAUSE
32:31What's great about Taskmaster is that people sometimes try a method,
32:35but then they evolve as the task goes on.
32:37Not in Susan's case.
32:39No, no, no.
32:40It was just the throw the cards, route one...
32:42Yep.
32:43..throw the cards into the clown's mouth.
32:44Yep.
32:45How many did you get in?
32:46Was it three?
32:47How many did you get in?
32:48Actually, twelve.
32:49Oh, was it twelve?
32:50Yeah, twelve million.
32:50Four insanity.
32:51That's pretty good.
32:52Well, that's a disappointing start.
32:55Yeah.
32:55Well, you thought no-one would be worse than that.
32:58You would have thought.
33:28Hello, Lucy.
33:28Hi.
33:29Hi.
33:29One-zero to beat.
33:30Who's next?
33:30We're going to see Sam Clownbull and Julian Clowney.
33:33Fine?
33:34Yes.
33:34Here we go.
33:42I've got an idea.
33:44OK.
33:46I need some string.
33:47Am I allowed to go back into the house?
33:48Oh, all the information's on the task, Sam.
33:52If I look in the shed, might I find some elastic bands?
33:55It's a really nice shed.
33:56Do you come with me or not?
33:57Do I go on my own?
33:58That's up to you.
33:59You come with me.
34:00Great!
34:02Is this your stage persona, or is this what you're like?
34:05I don't know what you mean.
34:08LAUGHTER
34:13Why did you do that?
34:15Just to test my thrust.
34:17How was your thrust?
34:18LAUGHTER
34:19Yeah.
34:20You've done this before.
34:30Oh, fuck!
34:31Fuck!
34:32Fuck!
34:35What I want to do is just shove the whole thing in.
34:38Oh, I see.
34:39Oh.
34:39Oh.
34:40No.
34:42Oh, I can still get it in now, then.
34:55That's in the clown.
34:56That's what you wanted?
34:58There's still one card not in.
35:00Erm, have I got time to go and get a broom or something?
35:03You've got two minutes.
35:04I've got my own this time.
35:07OK.
35:07I miss you.
35:08How lucky did I get with that little bit, the lip?
35:11Really lucky, Sam.
35:16You're giving me some sort of countdown?
35:18Do you want me to be dramatic?
35:20Well, let's see how dramatic you are.
35:22You've got 45 seconds left, Julian.
35:26Oh, now I've done it.
35:28Oh, well, I give up.
35:29I don't...
35:31..remind about the last card.
35:37APPLAUSE
35:40Thanks, Sam.
35:42It's the end of the time.
35:45It's nice to go to the show with you.
35:46You're not the first.
35:49APPLAUSE
35:51Sam.
35:51My feeling was that probably when you did that successful power throw
35:56of the cards, that you ran off and you just kept running for days.
36:00LAUGHTER
36:00Um, incredible.
36:02Must have been quite a rush.
36:03This woman came to my school.
36:05She died but she came back to life and she came in to tell us about it
36:09cos she said she saw God and he was a giant pink crystal
36:11and that's how that felt.
36:14LAUGHTER
36:17Cheers, Sam.
36:19Julian, your system worked really well.
36:21The only question I've got really is why did you mount the cards
36:23like two feet from the top of the rod?
36:26Well, I think there was something wrong with that rod.
36:28It wasn't quite as euphoric an experience for me
36:31as your brush with God.
36:34To me, it was just a packet of playing cards
36:37and a rusty old clown's mouth.
36:39Yes.
36:40It didn't make you think of a rebirth and crystals, no?
36:44Not at any point.
36:45No.
36:47No, so Julian still had time to get that last card.
36:49He didn't get it, which meant he got 51 in,
36:51whereas Sam got 52.
36:53The full 52 cards.
36:54That one card was the difference.
36:56We've reached the end of part three once more.
36:59The prizes today include a sellotaped leaf,
37:01a cassette tape of a national insurance number
37:03and some mouse droppings.
37:05And yet, you will still watch.
37:08You will still watch.
37:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:24Hello.
37:26Welcome back to the final part of the show
37:28where there's a big old clown head that still needs feeding.
37:31Oh, dear. Hungry, are you?
37:34LAUGHTER
37:38No, I suppose you mean the clown head in the current task.
37:41The last person to launch is Sue Perkins.
37:44These are the most funnily things I could find,
37:46but I think they might mean I have to cross the threshold.
37:50Right, OK.
37:52That's not going to work.
37:53Let's try and just...
37:54I'm going to go for plan B and just throw some things.
38:00Yeah, we're running out of cards, so...
38:02So, launch plan C, is it now?
38:03Can I bring the clown nearer me?
38:05As long as you don't cross that threshold.
38:07Right.
38:07How's it going, Sue?
38:08Is there any gaffer tape in the shed?
38:10Yes, would you like me to get it for you?
38:12Oh, thanks so much.
38:13Also, if you find anything longer than this, that'd be great.
38:15You've got five minutes left.
38:17No!
38:39Take that, you hungry clown.
38:42Are there more cards?
38:43Oh!
38:44Oh!
38:44Oh!
38:45Oh!
38:45Oh!
38:47Oh!
38:49Hello, Sue.
38:51Hello.
38:51How long have I got?
38:52You've got 30 seconds.
38:53Oh!
38:56Is there another whole packet?
38:57Yeah.
38:59The classic 72.
39:00The classic 72.
39:02Is it 72?
39:06Thanks, Sue.
39:07Classic 72, mate.
39:09It's the classic 72.
39:10Added to the 87 that were there.
39:12We're talking big numbers.
39:17What did you think the classic 72 was?
39:19One pack or two?
39:21I thought it was one pack.
39:22And it's just the way I said the classic 72.
39:24And I just went, 72.
39:25And then I just thought,
39:26I have just become the biggest cock on all.
39:30The clown works a treat.
39:31You've got the classic 72.
39:32Oh, don't you?
39:33I do need to show you some more stuff.
39:34Oh, there's a but, isn't there?
39:36I think we all felt there might be.
39:37It was actually birthday cards.
39:39Oh!
39:41He's excited because he's going to crush me again.
39:43Let's see what the dream crusher's got in store.
39:46That's what my children call me.
39:48OK, here we go.
39:49I'm going to go for plan B and just throw some things.
39:52Yeah, wash that hand.
39:54I'm going to just try and see what my aim's saying.
39:59Cool!
40:00Mm.
40:15The dream crusher!
40:18That's fingertip cruel, mate.
40:20He's right.
40:21It's fingertip cruel, mate.
40:23You look so nice, but underneath it all, you're just a shit.
40:26Oh, that is.
40:28Oh, that's awful.
40:29Oh.
40:30Rules are rules, unfortunately.
40:31Yeah, it means Julian Clary was the only one who completed the task.
40:34Wow.
40:35Oh, really?
40:3651 cards.
40:36And you would have won the task if you hadn't done anything at all.
40:39Well done.
40:40Look at the scores.
40:42The winner so far is Sue with 15 points.
40:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:47Oh, can you please stay where you are while Alex and I make our way to the stage...
40:55..for the final task of the show!
40:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:04Hello there.
41:05Who will be reading the task?
41:06It's me.
41:07OK.
41:09Ahem.
41:11Watch Alex's parade.
41:14Ooh.
41:15Then answer the questions.
41:17Most correct answers wins.
41:21You may not make any notes during the parade.
41:25Let the parade commence.
41:27And here he comes.
41:29The furry watsit.
41:31Oh, he's wearing a lollipop person's outfit.
41:35I remember my lollipop lady when I was a boy.
41:38Mandy.
41:39She was an angry lady who hated children.
41:44Ooh.
41:45Here he comes again.
41:48Born in 1972 and found as a baby in a car park in Nutwich.
41:54Alex is now dressed as a doctor.
41:56Which is ironic because he's currently suffering from ugly hemorrhoids.
42:02Ooh.
42:03Who's Alex?
42:05He's Alex the handyman.
42:07He could fix your immersion heater or do a very workmanlike strip at a hen do.
42:14But in real life he couldn't do anything like that because he's had a soft upbringing and he's incompetent.
42:20Ooh.
42:21Who could this be?
42:23Who ordered the limp white meat?
42:27The limp white meat?
42:29No.
42:30That's just Alex the chef.
42:32He's always unappetising and when he eats he has to shut his eyes because he can only open one orifice
42:39at a time.
42:40There he is again as a magician.
42:46Alakazam!
42:47Wow.
42:48He can literally turn any situation into a lifeless vacuum.
42:52What's his magician's name?
42:54Why?
42:55It's the mysterious bacteriosis.
42:59Oh, he's got legs! Look at his legs! Look at it!
43:10Right, it's time for the parade test.
43:13You may now pick up your blackboards and pens.
43:16Question one.
43:18What three-word phrase did I use to describe Alex's chef character?
43:27Julian.
43:29Limp white meat.
43:30Lucy.
43:31Swirlen meat man.
43:34I don't remember telling you my stage name.
43:38Sam.
43:39A good bloke.
43:43Sue.
43:44I got the wrong character so I said kill any vacuum.
43:49Susan.
43:50My mind was sort of nearly their soft white meat I got.
43:54Very close.
43:55And no cigar.
43:58Question two.
44:00In what year was Alex born according to me?
44:05Julian.
44:071972.
44:08Lucy.
44:08He was born in 2015 at 1800.
44:13Absolutely incredible.
44:15Sam.
44:171984.
44:18Sue.
44:191972.
44:20Susan.
44:211972.
44:22Well done.
44:24Question three.
44:25What was my magic word?
44:30Julian.
44:32Alakabaz.
44:33Ah.
44:34Lucy.
44:36Cheesecake.
44:38What's that?
44:40Alakazam.
44:41Sue.
44:42Alakazam.
44:43Susan.
44:44Alakazam.
44:44Very close Julian.
44:46Very close Julian.
44:48Question four.
44:49What couldn't handyman Alex fix?
44:52What couldn't he fix?
44:54Julian.
44:55Big end.
44:58Who's he?
44:59His tripod.
45:01His tripod.
45:02Sam.
45:03His personal wife.
45:05Inciting.
45:06Sue.
45:07Immersion heaters.
45:08Susan.
45:09Immersion heaters.
45:10Wow.
45:11And finally, question five.
45:15What was I holding when Alex took his trousers off?
45:20Julian.
45:21Grab a duck.
45:22Lucy.
45:23A penis, brackets, cock ring or cheese triangle.
45:28Sam.
45:29The holy bible.
45:33Sue.
45:34Yeah.
45:34I guess a duck as well.
45:36Sue?
45:37A duck as well, yeah.
45:38Seriously?
45:39Yeah.
45:40It was a delicious satsuma.
45:41Oh, magic.
45:43Well, I didn't take any of it in at all.
45:46We know.
45:49So, we'll add all of those and we'll put them onto the final scores.
45:52We'll come down there and join you.
45:54That's the duck, isn't it?
46:04Yes, I changed my clothes really fast and you produced satsuma secretly.
46:08Yeah.
46:08Scores-wise, Lucy didn't get any right but still gets one point for coming fifth.
46:13So, well done.
46:13Aw, thanks.
46:14And that feels like charity.
46:15Yes.
46:16Sam, you got one right, so you get two points for coming fourth.
46:19Julian, you come third, so you get three points.
46:22Sue and Susan with suspiciously similar answers.
46:26You both win the task and get five points each.
46:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:31And so, the winner of the episode with 20 points is Sue Perkins!
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:38Sue Perkins wins!
46:40Please go collect your bits of crap!
46:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:46Just one sweet final to go and one sweet winner tonight.
46:50Sue Perkins!
46:53Sue Perkins!
46:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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