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Taskmaster - S18E03 - The Gangsters of the Sea [Full Movie] [Free Online HD]Full EP - Full
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00:16I
00:16Know you
00:30I
00:36Welcome to taskmaster the olympics for funny people and like elite athletes
00:41Archimedes have been in training for this their whole careers and similarly one slip-up could see them never compete
00:48again
00:48Lose their homes and end up singing sweet Caroline in a high street having drunk a pint of plant feed
00:54they stole from a garden center
00:56The stakes are high and the rewards are low
01:01Let's meet them now, please welcome Andy's
01:05Goldsmith
01:21Next to me a man who secretly confided in me that he doesn't think community liaison officers are real police
01:29Challenges any of them who meet him to kick him hard
01:44Okay, let's begin yes, and what a way to begin because the prize category this week is the object with
01:51the most soul
01:54Okay, I
01:55Know oh indeed as a guy in a band I get a lot of people stopping me and saying you
02:00are
02:01soul
02:02But it's not about me. It's about Greg
02:05Giving maximum points to the object with the most soul all right, Rosie. Should we start with you?
02:10No
02:13It was rhetorical
02:15It's we are starting with you
02:17All right, what I brought to make me more soulful is a saxophone
02:28Yes, it is
02:30Can I play a saxophone?
02:35No
02:36Can I carry around a saxophone?
02:43Yes
02:44Yeah
02:45No
02:45No
02:46No
02:47No
02:49That is going to score badly
02:54No
02:56No
02:57No
02:57No
02:58No
02:58No
02:58No
02:58No
02:58No
02:58No
02:59No
02:59No
03:06No
03:07No
03:07Oh! Right, there is, like, Simpsons!
03:15APPLAUSE
03:20Emma, have you brought something in that has the most soul?
03:23I've brought in a Furby.
03:25Oh.
03:26Someone's back in the day.
03:29Here's Emma's soulful Furby.
03:33I don't know if anybody remembers what Furbies would get up to,
03:37but basically they're kind of...
03:40And they start off like that.
03:42Then, as time goes on, they start to learn from you
03:45and eventually they're able to say, I love you.
03:51Also, it opens a little beat with a little tongue.
03:56And you put your finger in and it's like, love that.
03:58Oh, la-la-la-la, soul.
04:00If I put my finger in your mouth, you wouldn't mind it,
04:04and that's soul.
04:07I like a Furby as much as the next person.
04:09OK.
04:10But you think that a plastic fur-based toy going dib-dub-dub-dub is soul.
04:16I'm not going to be able to convince you of this.
04:19I just know it to be my truth.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:25She's good. She is good.
04:27Jack.
04:28Yeah.
04:28What have you brought in?
04:30I brought James Brown in.
04:32Technically, not actually James Brown,
04:35but I have brought in an effigy of James Brown,
04:38which is all singing, all dancing.
04:41The budget on this show won't allow us to hear him singing.
04:44So if I did it without the tune,
04:46Oh, I feel good.
04:50So...
04:52We're not allowed to say lyrics either.
04:55All right.
04:56Oh, I feel wood.
04:58There you go.
05:00Are you ready to see The Godfather of Soul?
05:02I am.
05:03Here he is.
05:04Here we go.
05:05He goes,
05:06Oh, I feel wood.
05:08Oh, I feel wood.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:17Jesus Christ.
05:19This is going to be a low-scoring round.
05:22Andy.
05:22Yes.
05:23What soulful thing have you brought in?
05:24I brought a shoe.
05:25Ready to see it?
05:27LAUGHTER
05:29Obviously a shoe has a sole,
05:30but the soles of the shoes are Dover soles.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:36There's a...
05:36There's a speaker in the lower of the two shoes.
05:40It's programmed to play only soul music,
05:42the likes of James Brown,
05:44Aretha Franklin, Bananarama...
05:46We'll imagine.
05:47We'll imagine it.
05:48Yeah.
05:48There's a picture of the sun in Spain,
05:51or...
05:51soul,
05:53as it's also...
05:54I'm sorry, did...
05:55I've not finished yet, Greg.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:57Also,
05:58harnessing the power of the occult as a wizard,
06:01I also fixed into the shoes
06:04the soul of your late great great great uncle, Brian.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:10Do you know what, Andy?
06:11Yeah.
06:11I mean, it says something, it's the best yet.
06:13Right.
06:14Who's next, Baba?
06:15I brought in a Nigerian talking drum.
06:19You see, how they make this is quite mythical, right?
06:21What they do, once they build it,
06:23they put it in the streets of Lagos,
06:25or whatever town in Nigeria,
06:27and what it does,
06:28they believe it absorbs the language of the people
06:31as they're in the streets, talking.
06:33So, when you hit it,
06:35it sounds like the language being spoken.
06:37So, I tried this out, tried it out,
06:39I live in Stevenage, and I...
06:42LAUGHTER
06:43That's the capital of soul.
06:46Yeah.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:47I put it outside, I hit it,
06:49and it literally said,
06:50you prick.
06:51And so...
06:53LAUGHTER
06:53That's the most soulful thing
06:56in this whole line-up right now.
06:58The Nigerian talking drum people.
06:59Thank you very much.
07:00APPLAUSE
07:05I hope the rest of you are ashamed of yourself.
07:08LAUGHTER
07:09Right, let's score it and move on.
07:10OK. What is the least soulful thing?
07:12What do you think?
07:13LAUGHTER
07:13I think...the saxophone.
07:15Yeah, of course.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:16One point.
07:17OK, I'll give Emma two points
07:19for daring to suggest there's any soul in a Furby.
07:23Jack, at least he chose the godfather of soul.
07:26But then he had him behead himself on television.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:30He could only have three points.
07:32Got it.
07:33Andy made an effort.
07:34Sure, it's a series of awful puns around the world.
07:37Soul, we know that.
07:38Sure, he's dressed as a wizard.
07:40For no reason.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42And he gets four points.
07:43And the only person who actually brought anything
07:45of any consequence in is Baba,
07:47so he gets five.
07:48These are my judgements.
07:50APPLAUSE
07:54OK, task time.
07:55Shall we begin, Alex?
07:56Yes, Greg.
07:57Commence...
07:59Countdown!
08:01MUSIC
08:15Oh, hey.
08:18Baba!
08:20Emma!
08:20You all right?
08:22This brings back some memories.
08:24Good ones?
08:25Done.
08:28Terrifying!
08:29Is that being operated manually or is it a machine?
08:34It shouldn't be happening, actually.
08:35It's a warning system.
08:36Oh, right, OK.
08:37It's a warning system.
08:38Yeah.
08:39OK.
08:39Not yet.
08:40OK.
08:40No, sorry.
08:42Five.
08:44Four.
08:45Three.
08:46Two.
08:48One.
08:50Zero.
08:50Hero.angle.
09:00LAUGHTER LAUGHTER
09:03LAUGHTER
09:03Oh,
09:04cheers
09:04Bro. It was meant
09:05to fire off. Oh, unlucky
09:07bro. Mm-mm.
09:09Put a Rocket in
09:11your Pocket.
09:12Fastest wins.
09:13Your time starts now.
09:15That's not a rocket, I'm so sorry.
09:17That's just a tube.
09:19Your time starts now.
09:21That's not a rocket, unfortunately.
09:22That's just a tube.
09:24I'm so sorry.
09:27But what are the asterisks?
09:31There's an asterisk, is there?
09:33There are two.
09:34What do them two stars mean?
09:36Yeah, they're both asterisks.
09:37OK.
09:41Double star, dot.
09:45Oh, I'll just ignore that, the font.
09:47Is this the rocket, this red bit?
09:48No, none of those bits are rockets.
09:50So where's the rocket?
09:51Yes.
09:53What do you mean, yes?
09:55Where is the rocket?
09:59Yes.
10:00No, no.
10:01Where?
10:10Baba?
10:11I might be suggesting here that you don't know what a rocket is.
10:14I know what a rocket is.
10:16I see, like, the space people, they do that.
10:19That's a rocket, right?
10:20Yeah, yeah.
10:20Oh, yeah, sorry.
10:21I didn't realise you had a degree.
10:25Listen, Greg, we still, we've got to go outside after this, bro.
10:29Like, I mean...
10:30Oh, you're physically threatening me?
10:33LAUGHTER
10:36I've got to say, it's the first person who's ever offered me out for a fight in all these series.
10:40And I've got to tell you, Baba, it was exhilarating.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:48OK, let's crack on.
10:49First to wreck you for rockets, it is Baba.
10:53Is there a rocket here?
10:54That's the question.
10:55Ooh!
10:57Listen, I've got two children, yeah?
10:59I've got time for this.
11:01Where's the rocket?
11:02Where's the rocket?
11:04We're not going to do this.
11:05We're not going to do this.
11:06Right.
11:18Let's go.
11:19Look.
11:19One rocket.
11:21That's not a rocket.
11:22That's like a telescope, thinking of a jig.
11:24Anything under here?
11:26Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
11:29Ah, that's half a rocket.
11:31What onto something?
11:33What's that?
11:34What's that?
11:36What's that?
11:38That's a full rocket.
11:42I've got a rocket in my pocket.
11:43Yes, you have.
11:44Blah!
11:46That was the rocket.
11:48It was in the...
11:50This is an orca.
11:51This is an orca's mouth.
11:52It was in the orca's mouth.
11:53Let's say killer world, because that sounds gangster.
11:56It was in the killer world's mouth.
12:00LAUGHTER
12:01APPLAUSE
12:05The man knows exactly what a rocket is.
12:07He found it quickly, and he labelled the orcas the gangsters of the sea.
12:13LAUGHTER
12:14Absolute textbook.
12:15I told you I know what a rocket is, but...
12:17Yeah, I know.
12:18You didn't believe in me, but you've seen us where it's rocket.
12:20I've learned that now, and now I believe there's no need for it to come to blow.
12:23Yeah.
12:25LAUGHTER
12:25Who is next?
12:26Next up to hunt for rockets are my two favourite condiments.
12:30Zoltz and Pe...
12:30Zoltz and Emma.
12:31Zoltz and Peppos.
12:32Zoltz and Emma.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35It looks like a rocket.
12:37That's not a rocket.
12:37No.
12:38Well, it's not a rocket until it's fired.
12:39It's a potential rocket.
12:40Even then, that is not a rocket.
12:42I don't see why.
12:43Why can that not be a rocket?
12:44It hasn't got fins.
12:46I'm just thinking, have you got any fizzy drinks?
12:50Can I make fins out of that?
12:53Right, that's better.
12:54Right, so did you just make yourself a rocket?
12:56I've made myself a rocket, but it didn't go in my pocket.
12:58Right, OK.
13:03Oh, shit.
13:07Right, are you saying you've made a rocket?
13:09Yeah.
13:10In that case, I'm going to have to give you that.
13:13If you draw, make or write your own rocket,
13:16that doesn't count as an actual rocket
13:17unless you are a rocket scientist.
13:19If you are not a rocket scientist,
13:21you must now put two rockets in your pockets.
13:25Are you a rocket scientist?
13:26No, I'm not.
13:26Right.
13:28I did languages.
13:30Took two rockets.
13:31Yes, please.
13:31Am I allowed out of the room?
13:32Absolutely.
13:33Oh, right, OK.
13:34Maybe I should have thought of that before.
13:37Two rockets in your pockets.
13:39One like that?
13:40No, that's not a rocket.
13:41That's a can of Coke with a sweet in.
13:43Fuck's sake.
13:44Oh, I'm so sorry.
13:45I'm going to have to give you this.
13:48If you swear at any point
13:49after drawing, making or writing your own rocket,
13:51you must now put three rockets in your pockets.
14:00I mean, is that a rocket?
14:02I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket, though.
14:04LAUGHTER
14:09Was he on the rocket?
14:10You're saying that's a rocket?
14:11No, no.
14:12Oh, well, there is a rocket there.
14:14Well, there you go.
14:16You found a rocket?
14:16I found one.
14:17I need another rocket.
14:22No, no, no, no.
14:23We're going back inside.
14:25Is there anything in the sharks?
14:26Not a shark.
14:27I don't want to put the rocket in there.
14:30Walker?
14:33I've stopped the clock.
14:34Right, that took a long time.
14:37Have you looked in anything yet?
14:39Like, you mean in that?
14:40No.
14:42Well, if you want.
14:48Oh, like, in this pot.
14:52Oh!
14:53It's a tiny little rocket.
14:55Well, you'd better put it in your pocket, then.
14:56OK, now I'm on board with it.
14:58All right, fine.
15:00Any other little rockets about?
15:02Oh, my God, there's one in Charlotte Ritchie!
15:06Oh, yeah, there you go.
15:08Time's up.
15:09I've stopped the clock.
15:10Oh, you did the noise for me.
15:11Yeah, sorry.
15:12I don't know.
15:21Classic case of him moving the goalposts as the task goes on.
15:24Incredibly irritating, I find it.
15:25Me?
15:26Yeah.
15:26Oh, sorry.
15:27Well, I'm at it.
15:28I also found it really irritating when you opened the plug
15:30and there was a rocket inside and you looked at the camera
15:32as if to say,
15:34Andy, you were told repeatedly that a yellow tube in the lab
15:39was not a rocket.
15:40Yeah.
15:42Repeatedly.
15:42You know, if you fire something upwards, you've rocketed it.
15:47Have you not?
15:48I think you've rocketed it, but it doesn't become a rocket.
15:50Become a rocket.
15:51Your argument is if it gets fired, it's a rocket.
15:53Yeah.
15:53Well, you could do that to a chartered accountant.
15:55Yes.
15:59Emma?
16:00Yeah.
16:01Now, I'm no rocket scientist.
16:03I'm.
16:03But putting a sweet inside a can of Coke.
16:08How in any rational mind can that be justified as a rocket?
16:12Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?
16:13I mean, it was a totally stupid decision.
16:16And also, it didn't even fizz.
16:18It was just crap, wasn't it?
16:20Well, look, Bubba took 5 minutes 52.
16:22Andy, 18 minutes 10.
16:24Emma, 39 minutes.
16:26Oh, my God.
16:27Wow.
16:27Oh, my God.
16:28Get in!
16:30All right, part one is over.
16:32It never really loved you anyway.
16:33Part one didn't even make an effort with your mum.
16:35It's finished!
16:36Let it go!
16:36Make a life with part two!
16:38It's a great cook and it's a tomcat in the bedroom.
16:40We'll see you in a bit.
16:50Hello!
16:52Welcome to the start of part two.
16:54Please remind us what was happening before the break.
16:57My sad little otter.
16:59Well, they're all trying to find a rocket
17:01and put it in their pocket as fast as is bloody possible.
17:04Finally, it's Jack and Rosie.
17:07Can I go at the blob of it?
17:11You may.
17:14I mean, it'll be...
17:15It's going to be staring at me, isn't it?
17:17That's the thing.
17:18Mm-hmm.
17:19I know what you mean.
17:20It's so annoying.
17:21Yeah, it is.
17:22OK.
17:23OK.
17:24Is it rocket salad?
17:36That's what I was looking for.
17:38It stinks.
17:40Done.
17:44I've stopped the clock.
17:45You've got rocket in your pocket.
17:47I enjoyed that.
17:50Well done, me.
17:54Wow!
17:59Two grown adults.
18:01Genuinely thrilled that they've put salad in their pockets.
18:05Come on you try sometime. It's good. Maybe you and I could hang out sometime. Yeah, I'd like that
18:14Rosie that's well done. He was genuine wasn't it?
18:26The wizard has a point just I'm
18:29What's the wording of the task it was put a rocket and then a silent salad in your pocket, right?
18:36Piece of rocket or a bunch of rocket. Hey rocket. Do you want me to take Rosie? Rosie's point off
18:42her. Yeah
18:45Just look at Rosie look at Rosie when you say it. Yeah, I do
18:51Does the word a mean nothing these days you are a prick today?
18:58That's perfectly fine. I thought I'm not I'm not some pricks
19:12Do you think I should disqualify the salad? What's the timing of this?
19:20Let's get to that first
19:22Well, I can tell you Rosie put rocket in her pocket in two minutes 40. Yeah, let's take away the
19:28point
19:32Jack pocketed rocket in one minute 59 Wow
19:47I'm gonna allow rocket and I want you to know this I may not have allowed rocket if it wasn't
19:54for this wizard
19:55Oh
19:58Rocket stands in that case. It's one point to Emma two to Andy three to Bubba four to Rosie, but
20:03five to mr. Jack Dean
20:09The clipboard time it is Bubba with your speedy rocket you are in joint first place with Jack D on
20:15eight points
20:22Please move another task. Oh, yes now for some physical art
20:42You're on dry land dry land. Yeah, yeah, you've been at sea
20:48That's a caravan bro. It's a summer
20:52Oh
20:55Do I you do?
21:01We create a very much
21:05to the piece of art in
21:103d
21:12most creative recreation
21:15Recreation
21:15Recreation wins
21:16Do I look like I go to art exhibitions? I'll go to the art exhibition my guy
21:21You have 20 minutes your time starts
21:25now
21:26Right
21:27Famous 2d piece of art in 3d you understand it because I understand it was my year
21:34Because I really think I'm sick you kept saying recreation recreation instead of recreation, but yeah, um, they are the
21:40same spelling, aren't they?
21:45Well, I'm just excited to see these 3d art, okay
21:49Would you like to see a montage of them arting hard? I want to see a hard art montage
21:54Okay, here you are
22:01Noisy really noisy I hate bloody flowers don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers
22:10It needs to go far corner far back as it goes, I think
22:22Are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right, uh, shall I shit here?
22:29Oh
22:30Yes, okay
22:32So the Andy Warhol ones
22:36Did he do baked bean tins?
22:41Soup?
22:41Baked beans is a lump of soup
22:51Does this look like a human mother?
22:53I need to get my thug pose on I'm gonna look like a thug
22:58No gang affiliation over here, bruv
23:01Apart from the church, I go church, I gang bang for Jesus, you get me?
23:08I don't know if you're celebrating a goal, but really upset
23:10Oh, upset?
23:12Yeah
23:15Did you do that?
23:16Yeah
23:17Wow
23:18Yep, did that
23:19I'm slipping in
23:21Oh
23:21Oh
23:22Oh
23:22That feels gross
23:28Oh my God
23:33Who of us in this room isn't blown away by how much Jack D looks like Van Gogh?
23:41It's literally like the man came back to life
23:45Baba, did you have some sort of traumatic instance in your life with flowers?
23:48Why?
23:49You're the only person I've ever met who hates flowers
23:51I quote
23:52I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers
23:56You know what it is?
23:57I'm traumatized by how much my wife requests flowers
24:00Because when I'm walking on the street people will be like, oh, he's in the doghouse
24:03It's like, I ain't in no damn doghouse
24:04You know what I'm saying?
24:06How often do you buy your wife flowers?
24:08Oh
24:09Uh oh
24:12Not including the ones you take off lampposts
24:20Emma?
24:21Emma?
24:21I'm already quite impressed because I already know what your painting is
24:24Really?
24:25It's Clint, right?
24:26Yeah
24:26Mm-hmm
24:27Well, look, I'm going to show you Emma's 3D version of the well-known painting
24:30Let's see it in all its glory
24:32Here we go
24:42Ah, that's good
24:43Ah, that's good
24:44Well done
24:46That was quite a good one
24:47Thank you
24:49Thank you
24:49Wow
24:51I mean, it's so rarely on this show that I just have to just say, oh, that's good
24:55Yeah
24:56It was good
24:57The original sparked a sexual revolution, do you think hers will?
25:01Meh
25:02I can't feel anything
25:04No
25:06It's really good, Emma
25:07OK, well, shall we see another?
25:09Yes
25:09Well, as you might have worked out, Andy Zoltzman took on the almighty Guernica by Pablo Picasso
25:14Wow
25:15So, first of all, we're going to look at the original
25:17Now, Picasso obviously made the incredibly moving and powerful anti-war painting to help raise awareness and raise money during
25:24the Spanish Civil War
25:25It's harrowing
25:25And here's Andy Zoltzman's 3D recreation
25:38Thank you, sir
25:39Thank you
25:40It's good, isn't it?
25:43It sounds beautiful to be fair
25:44I mean, we have to reward ambition
25:48It's incredibly ambitious
25:50I mean, I just feel
25:52Amongst the many things this show doesn't address, the pity of war is right up there
25:58Cow's the wrong way round
26:04Sorry, Emma, have you... you've spotted an inaccuracy in this paper?
26:08LAUGHTER
26:10Well done, wizard
26:11OK, well, next up with his 3D nod to self-portrait with bandaged ear
26:15Right, well, we already know this looks exactly like it
26:17Because we've got his face in the room
26:19Yep, it's Vincent Jack Goff, here we go
26:37Who would have thought that anyone could look more haunted than Vincent van Gogh?
26:45LAUGHTER
26:47Van Gogh looks like it's his birthday by comparison
26:52Another one, really good
26:53This is the worst episode of Taskmaster ever
26:57OK, time for another break
26:58And probably some more adverts for holidays in the sun
27:01Cost of living crisis?
27:03Yeah, more like Costa del Sol living la vida loca crisis
27:07Let's whack it over to the credit cards
27:09Wayne Lineker, call me YOLO!
27:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:24Come on then
27:25Here we are, it's part three
27:28And some classic artworks are being brought to life in a three-dimensional way
27:32Cool, yeah, I love 3D
27:34But I also like Harry Styles' solo stuff
27:37Next up, there's the artist currently known as Rosie Jones
27:42Oliver!
27:44Andy Warhol
27:47from
27:49Campbell Soup
27:51LAUGHTER
27:56APPLAUSE
27:58APPLAUSE
28:02It's some Campbell Soup
28:05I get it
28:06LAUGHTER
28:09It's really good, yeah, it's good
28:11Everyone liked it
28:12Did you like it?
28:14Not that much
28:16One left, Greg
28:18Yes, one left
28:19And this man
28:20Doesn't go to art galleries
28:21He hates flowers
28:22It's Bubba's turn
28:25Oh, my God
28:28Oh, my God
28:29Oh, my God
28:29Oh, my God
28:29It's a good
28:29Ah, very good
28:31Very good
28:32It is good
28:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:36APPLAUSE
28:43Oh, sorry, sorry about that
28:45You like that, Greg?
28:48LAUGHTER
28:51Yes, of course I do. Yes, you do. You see the angle?
28:54You know what I'm saying? This is what I'm trying to say.
28:55I keep telling people I'm amazing.
28:58LAUGHTER
29:01Well, look, Greg, here are all five of the excellent 3D picks.
29:05Well, I'm going to have to give everyone a really high score, aren't I?
29:07And then we'll just have to hope they fuck up the next task.
29:10LAUGHTER
29:10So I'll give everyone five points.
29:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:18OK, what's next, please, little Alex Hall?
29:21OK, well, Greg, we're off to the pub. Ooh!
29:28MUSIC PLAYS
29:29MUSIC PLAYS
29:36In you go.
29:39Oh, hello!
29:42Hello, please.
29:44Oh, we have company.
29:45Where's Alex?
29:47Who cares?
29:50Lovely.
29:52Do you want...? Yes, please.
29:53Oh, thank you so much.
29:54Would you like to...?
29:55Yeah, sure.
29:56Yes.
29:58Win the pub quiz by cheating.
30:01The team that wins by cheating in at least five different ways wins.
30:06If the quiz master notices you cheating, you will lose a point
30:10and you must use a different method of cheating.
30:12This quiz will start in five minutes.
30:15Your time starts now.
30:17OK, so we need ways of cheating.
30:19Mobile phone.
30:20Oh, my God.
30:23Hiya.
30:24Here he is.
30:26Hi, guys. Are you doing a pub quiz tonight?
30:28Great.
30:31I'll come and get your team name soon.
30:32Cheers, guys.
30:33Have I got time to go to the toilet?
30:37Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes.
30:39Good thinking. Yeah.
30:40There's your answer sheet. Are you all right?
30:42D.
30:43OK, there's your answer sheet for the first two rounds.
30:46OK, enjoy. Anyone need anything?
30:48Good luck. Enjoy.
30:49Yes.
30:51What did you get?
30:53I got my phone.
30:55What's that?
30:55What do you think?
30:57And take a piece of beer.
30:59How do you intend to use that without being noticed?
31:02That's the next challenge.
31:05It's all common, you.
31:08Yeah, it might do.
31:10Oh, what's up?
31:11One of you look after you.
31:12It's a little folk of...
31:12That's Sue Perkins' number.
31:15Do you have your phone?
31:16Yeah.
31:16Save that now.
31:18872.
31:18Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys.
31:20Cheers, mate.
31:21OK.
31:22Team name, please?
31:23GK Peaky People.
31:25We're team honesty.
31:26Team honesty.
31:27That's funny.
31:28And have you got a team name?
31:30Cheetahs, but like the animals.
31:33Cheetahs?
31:33T-H-E-T-A-H-Z.
31:40Cheetahs.
31:41OK, right.
31:42I'm just going to get my microphone and then we'll be off.
31:43Yeah.
31:44I've got something a little bit provocative to say.
31:47Are you both married?
31:49Mm-hm.
31:50I'm also married.
31:52Mm-hm.
31:52I was thinking, like, maybe just kiss and cheat.
31:54Right.
31:55I don't know if it's that kind of cheating.
31:58Yeah, yeah.
32:04I can't remember what's in there.
32:07OK.
32:07All right, remember.
32:09Um, what's in your right hand?
32:11Nothing.
32:13You need to form the floor there.
32:15I will put the books in my area.
32:17Can I have the guide to the Beavers, please?
32:19And also AirPods out.
32:21You're so strict.
32:22Yes.
32:23Sorry about that, bro.
32:25Excuse me.
32:27Hello?
32:27Hello?
32:28Pretty much back to square one.
32:29Hello?
32:30Is everyone here?
32:36Are you pub quizzers before we start?
32:38No.
32:39It's a waste of pub time.
32:42Every Monday.
32:43Thank you, Emma.
32:44Do you really, Emma?
32:45Yeah, genuinely.
32:47Q, what's your tinkle?
32:48Um, no arguments.
32:52Because we have a problem with arguing.
32:54So one day we realise, oh, if we called no arguments,
32:57maybe we'll stop.
32:59Oh, quite...
32:59So now we just argue on the way home.
33:02It's me and my husband.
33:04LAUGHTER
33:06All right, then.
33:06You want to see the quiz?
33:07I want to see the quiz.
33:08OK, pens down, heads up or something.
33:11It's time to quiz!
33:13Welcome to the ship.
33:14Welcome to the pub quiz.
33:16OK, question one.
33:17What is the largest species of rodent?
33:20What is the largest species of rodent?
33:23What is the largest species of rodent?
33:23Not that.
33:24It's a little mouse.
33:26In what year was Mary, Queen of Scots, executed by her cousin?
33:30Elizabeth First, of course.
33:33In what year...
33:34I'm just going to faint choking.
33:36I've got cramps.
33:39Oh!
33:39Oh, just move around the room a bit.
33:41Oh, my God!
33:43Yeah.
33:45Oh, man.
33:46It's quite early in the quiz to get cramp.
33:48Oh, yes.
33:49Right.
33:49She just needs to be...
33:51Yeah.
33:52Yeah, yeah.
33:53Yeah.
33:54Right.
33:55Oh!
33:57There's a hat there, though.
33:59GRRRR!
34:01GRRRR!
34:02GRRRR!
34:02GRRRR!
34:03GRRRR!
34:04GRRRR!
34:04Yeah.
34:05I'm feeling better now.
34:07Right.
34:07See you later.
34:08We do need to carry on with the quiz.
34:09See you later.
34:10Question three.
34:11What is the boiling point of mercury?
34:14It's 500.
34:15Yeah.
34:15Do you think it's that?
34:16Yes.
34:17Mercury.
34:18How are you getting on?
34:19What do the following states have in common?
34:22Oh!
34:23Oh!
34:25Come down!
34:26Come down and help!
34:27What do you...
34:28Come down and help, mate!
34:29That's not really how it works, then.
34:31You don't come down and help.
34:31What's wrong?
34:33Basically...
34:33Yeah.
34:33I feel so sick.
34:35OK.
34:36I feel really nauseous.
34:37Do you want a blanket?
34:38Yeah.
34:39I was going to get her a blanket, apparently.
34:40OK, yeah, please.
34:45OK.
34:46Phone's away, please.
34:47I see what you're doing there.
34:53Round two.
34:54Sport!
34:55What if I potted a red, then a black, then a red, then a black, then a red, then a
35:02pink, then a red, then a yellow, then a red, then a black, then a red, then a brown, then
35:06a red, then a green, then all the colours, what would my break be worth?
35:09I'll be honest with you.
35:10I think this is when we do a quick, erm, romantic cheat.
35:15So can I just give you a quick...
35:17There we go.
35:19Let's never speak of it again.
35:25What is Sue Perkins' favourite sport?
35:28Oh!
35:28What is Sue...
35:29I need a sick bucket now!
35:31A big bucket.
35:33Yeah.
35:35Cool, Sue Perkins.
35:36Hi, it's Sue here.
35:38Sorry I can't take your call.
35:39Oh, come on, Sue!
35:40I need underwater hockey.
35:41What?
35:41Hockey.
35:42Hockey.
35:43Hockey.
35:43Hockey.
35:44Hockey.
35:45Hockey.
35:45Hockey.
35:46Hockey.
35:50Hello, everyone.
35:53OK.
35:53Hi, yeah.
35:54The answers.
35:55Have you all swapped sheets?
35:56Er, no, sorry.
35:57We just got them all mixed up.
35:58Quick as you can, please.
36:00Let's swap with blood.
36:02As long as you don't have your own.
36:04As long as we don't have our own sheets.
36:06Good try, though.
36:07The biggest rodent was, of course, please sit down.
36:09Kapubara.
36:1015.87.
36:12356 points.
36:13That would be a break of 70 points.
36:15Sue Perkins' favourite sport was, and still is...
36:19Football.
36:19It's hockey.
36:21No, it's not.
36:22It's football.
36:22Sorry, I have to be very passionate about this.
36:25Yeah.
36:26Sue Perkins is my best friend.
36:29It's hockey.
36:30Well, I've got a hand before we give her a call.
36:32Give her a call.
36:32I'm sorry.
36:33I don't want to be worried about this.
36:34Can we call her now?
36:34Give her a call now.
36:36Call her now.
36:36Put it on the speaker.
36:37Let's hear it.
36:39Hi, it's Sue here.
36:40Sorry I can't take your call, but I'm at the underwater hockey.
36:45Which is a shame, because I actually really love football.
36:48LAUGHTER
36:51APPLAUSE
36:51Round to underwater football.
36:53Have you just put up the scores?
36:56The sporty foodie flag, guys.
36:59Yep.
36:59Zero in round one.
37:01Right.
37:02And then three in round two.
37:06Three, really?
37:07Didn't quite get there.
37:10And round two.
37:11Two.
37:12Well, we got three.
37:14We thought we had got more.
37:15Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it?
37:16Yeah, that is...
37:17Well, misspelling apparently.
37:18It's misspelling.
37:19Well, they've misspelt the word misspelling.
37:21Well done, guys.
37:22All right, round three will start in one minute.
37:26APPLAUSE
37:31I mean, some of the most ludicrous over acting.
37:35I mean, Jones went down within seconds.
37:37LAUGHTER
37:38And then, Emma, I presume a trained actress
37:41when you had your multiple physical collapses.
37:44I never trained, darling.
37:45I never trained.
37:46Oh, it doesn't show.
37:48LAUGHTER
37:49Do you know what I mean?
37:50Mama was the only one, wasn't he?
37:51He wasn't over-acting.
37:53Yes.
37:53But there's more to come, right?
37:55We're only halfway through.
37:56They've both pretty much neck and neck.
37:57I've caught them a few times, but there is a second half to come.
37:59That's the end of part three.
38:01Come back for part four and see someone take home some soulful prizes.
38:04It'll be like watching your kid in a school play,
38:07except shorter and fun,
38:09and you won't have to stave off boredom
38:10by imagining having an affair with a teacher.
38:13Just me?
38:15LAUGHTER
38:26Hello!
38:27Welcome back to the final part of the show,
38:30where a pub quiz is taking place in the ship.
38:32On with the second half of the quiz,
38:33where the two teams have to win by cheating at least five times
38:37without being caught by old eagle-eyes horn,
38:39the handsome quiz master.
38:40Here's how they get on.
38:43Round three, picture round.
38:45Question one, what is Alex Horne holding?
38:48Phones away, please.
38:50What country's flag has a green triangle on the left?
38:53I do have a cramp again.
38:57Please sit down.
38:58Don't be a bore, bro. Come on, ma'am.
39:00We're getting drunk.
39:01Question three, please sit down.
39:02Alex, I've got a delivery.
39:04A delivery?
39:04Just checking if the guy's at the front door.
39:07Yeah.
39:07This is a pub.
39:08Right.
39:09Yeah!
39:09Yeah!
39:10Yeah!
39:11Yeah, you're right.
39:15I don't think anyone saw that.
39:18Oh!
39:20Oh!
39:21Oh!
39:22Oh!
39:24There's no one there.
39:25What animal features on Albania's flag?
39:29Right, we'll be back in two minutes with the answers.
39:33What?
39:38What animal features on Albania's flag?
39:41Oh!
39:41Oh!
39:42What?
39:43What?
39:45Oh!
39:46Yo!
39:48Yo!
39:49Oh!
39:51Oh!
39:52Oh!
39:52Oh!
39:52Oh!
39:54OK.
39:57Oh!
39:58Oh!
39:58Oh, this thing is inside.
40:01Hello, everyone.
40:02Oh, yeah.
40:03Oh, yeah.
40:04OK, the answers.
40:06And please swap papers.
40:08Round three, the picture round.
40:09OK, what was I holding?
40:10What was redacted there?
40:13A colander.
40:15How did you know that?
40:17It's just the expression.
40:19And it was a colander.
40:21Yeah.
40:25Thanks for coming, everyone.
40:26That is closing time now, so...
40:28Whoa!
40:29Please get out.
40:29Thank you. Bye-bye.
40:30Bye-bye.
40:31Cheers, guys.
40:37First of all, I will tell you the scores in the quiz.
40:41Andy, Emma and Bubba got 22 out of 30.
40:43Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.
40:45Oh, God.
40:46But we subtract points from the amount of times I caught them cheating.
40:49I caught the team of three six times.
40:51I caught the team of two nine times.
40:54Which means the team of three win the quiz.
40:56Wow!
40:56Oh, God.
40:59Oh, God.
40:59Oh, God.
41:01Oh, God.
41:02Oh, God.
41:02It was close.
41:04I don't know how you want to distribute points.
41:05Five and four?
41:06There we go.
41:07So, four for the team of two, five for the team of three.
41:09APPLAUSE
41:15Yes, we can have a first look at the series scores, if you want, Greg.
41:18Ooh, yes, please.
41:19Well, it's sort of going like this.
41:21We've got Andy on 37, Bubba on 40, Emma on 42, then we jump to Rosie on 46, Jack's on
41:2653 at the moment.
41:28Woo!
41:29See how we do that.
41:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:32OK, it's that time again.
41:34Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
41:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:46What is going on?
41:49LAUGHTER
41:49We found their doppelgangers.
41:52LAUGHTER
41:55It's uncanny.
41:57Are you just going to read the task, Alex?
41:59I'd like Jack D to read the task, please, Greg.
42:01Oh, Jack, would you read it?
42:02Yeah, OK.
42:04Russell, Russell, Phil, Phil, Mark, Mark, Rob, Rob and Pat, Pat.
42:09When Alex blows his whistle, you must all immediately either say one word to the person next to you or
42:15perform one action.
42:17The people may only say yes or no.
42:20If you perform the wrong action, you are disqualified.
42:23You will then meet a new person.
42:25First person to perform all the right actions to all the right people wins.
42:30Yes, so you're sitting next to somebody who's either called Mark, Pat, Russell, Rob or Phil.
42:35So, if you think they're called Mark, you put a mark on their clipboard.
42:38If you think they're called Pat, you pat them on the head.
42:40If you think they're called Russell, you Russell them.
42:42You know what I mean?
42:44If you think they're called Rob, you steal one of their pencils.
42:46If you think they're called Phil, you put your stuffing down their top.
42:50If you find out that you're sat next to, for example, Mark,
42:53you have to wait till the next time you meet Mark to mark Mark.
42:56If you correctly fill Phil or Mark Mark or Rob Rob or Russell Russell,
43:00you'll get a little sticker on your arm.
43:02The first person to get all five of them wins five points.
43:05No one gets any other points.
43:07If you do the action wrong, you're out of the game.
43:10OK, once we get going, it's less complicated.
43:14Let's go.
43:15Rob.
43:16No.
43:16Phil.
43:17No.
43:17Russell.
43:18No.
43:19Mark.
43:19No.
43:20Pat.
43:21No.
43:22Move!
43:23We're off.
43:24Phil.
43:25No.
43:26Rob.
43:26Yes.
43:27Move!
43:28If you think you've got it right, you have to remember till next time.
43:31Mark.
43:32Yes.
43:32Pat.
43:33Yes.
43:35Not yet!
43:36Sit down!
43:37Please sit down.
43:39Move!
43:41Now move!
43:44It's not very often you'll see Alex genuinely annoyed, ladies.
43:48So, here we go.
43:49Wait, wait, what are their names again?
43:53It's worth trying to remember them.
43:54It's Mark, Pat.
43:56Russell, Robyn, Phil.
43:59Russell, Robyn, Phil.
43:59Russell, Robyn, Phil.
44:01Move!
44:01Four!
44:02Good!
44:07There has been a successful action.
44:20We have a disqualification.
44:21Bubba has got this person wrong.
44:23You must stand behind your chair.
44:24He is disqualified.
44:25Oh, Bubba.
44:26At this rate, I don't care.
44:27Right.
44:27That's definitely not his name.
44:29OK.
44:31Oh, shit!
44:35That's definitely not his name.
44:38LAUGHTER
45:07OK, we've got some more action.
45:15Mark, Phil, mate.
45:17Mark, Phil.
45:19Go!
45:20OK.
45:22And just so you know, thank you, Emma.
45:24Emma has one sticker.
45:25The wizard has one sticker.
45:26Rosie has two stickers.
45:28SHE LAUGHS
45:29She's got two.
45:30I know.
45:31She's playing you, Emma.
45:32She knows exactly what she's doing.
45:35Here we go.
45:37Move, move, move.
45:40Some action going on.
45:43The wizard has another sticker.
45:45And move.
45:46We have more action here.
45:49The wizard has three stickers.
45:54Four stickers.
45:59We could be approaching the end game.
46:04We have five stickers!
46:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:09We will add those scores to the final score.
46:12Come down and join me.
46:20What a rush.
46:23All right, well, as you saw,
46:25there was only five points to one person there,
46:27and that person was Mr Andy Zaltzman.
46:29The Wizard has his revenge.
46:31That means the final table today looks like this.
46:37He's only gone and done it.
46:38The winner with 21 points is Andy Zaltzman!
46:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:44Andy Zaltzman wins.
46:46Please go up and celebrate with your soulful prizes!
46:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:20AND APPLAUSE
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