- 12 minutes ago
Taskmaster - S19E05 - Maybe We're the Monsters [Full Movie] [Latest Version]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:02This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:34Yes, hello. Hello, thank you. Welcome one and all to Taskmaster.
00:39One of the many TV shows that my own nieces don't watch.
00:44And yet, am I expected to display your school photos in my home?
00:49I doubt it!
00:50They've gone in the drawer with years worth of your rubbish artwork.
00:55I know you'll never hear this, but it's enough for me to know
00:58that I've said it on TV.
01:00Quid pro quo, you monsters!
01:03Quid pro quo!
01:06Moving along.
01:08Please welcome to the show, Fatia El Ghori!
01:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:13Jason Mandzuka!
01:16Matthew Bainter!
01:18Rosie Ramsey!
01:21And Stevie Martin!
01:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:26And next to me, a man who drives an electric car,
01:31and to quote him,
01:32not for the good of the planet,
01:33but because it makes my wife horny.
01:36LAUGHTER
01:38It's little Alex Horne!
01:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:44What's happening, sweet prince?
01:46I'm trying...
01:47I'm trying to be brave for you, Greg.
01:50You know I struggle with accents.
01:52Oh, yeah.
01:53I can't do them.
01:53Well, I can do them now.
01:54I've had lessons.
01:55OK.
01:56So I'd like to demonstrate my new grasp of accents.
01:59Are you ready?
01:59Yeah, I'm ready for the joke that you cooked up six minutes ago.
02:03I'm going to start with Beyonce.
02:05Ready?
02:05OK.
02:08There's one on the E.
02:10LAUGHTER
02:11And now I'm going to do the Quebec accent.
02:14It's on the first E.
02:16I'm now going to do the Oslo accent.
02:21Good morning.
02:23I am from Oslo, Norway.
02:26APPLAUSE
02:30Let's get on with the price task.
02:33Right.
02:33Yes, I'm going to get on, Greg,
02:36and this time you've asked them to bring in the best object
02:38to bestow in your will to a relative against whom you are seeking revenge.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:44We've all thought about it.
02:45We all want revenge and I shall have my revenge.
02:48The object Greg thinks is best to bestow will be gifted five points
02:52and the winner of the episode will have to update their will
02:54with five new objects.
02:56Back to you, my sweet little Greg Forrest Gatto.
02:59LAUGHTER
03:01Matthew, what have you bought me to take revenge on a relative?
03:05I've brought a thousand-piece jigsaw of the Mona Lisa.
03:09Oh.
03:10Get this in your will.
03:11I'd quite like that.
03:12I think quite a lot of nerds would like that, so...
03:15LAUGHTER
03:16Well, this relative is not a nerd.
03:18Interestingly, you have, in your mind, picked a specific relative.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:23Did we not all...?
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26Let's call him Terry.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:30So, every time Terry comes over, I've got a jigsaw on the go
03:34and Terry begins to get the impression that I'm really into jigsaws.
03:39So, when I leave the Mona Lisa in my will, Terry's going to think,
03:43I guess I'd better do it in his memory.
03:46And then, how disappointed they would be...
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51When they find...
03:54This is a piece of Matthew.
03:56He's going to be buried with.
03:58LAUGHTER
04:00So genuinely fiendish, Matthew.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:03Rosie.
04:04I have brought used coffee bean granules in the shape of a delicious
04:11chocolate brownie.
04:12Oh, God, OK.
04:13Here it is.
04:14What I'm going to do, every time they come round,
04:17I'm going to be making chocolate brownies.
04:19Yeah.
04:19I'm going to make them the most delicious chocolate brownies
04:21that they've ever had in their life.
04:23And then, when I die, I'm going to get my coffee granules
04:27and I'm going to leave it with a nought for them saying one last time.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:32Then it'll be disgusting.
04:34And they'll never forget it.
04:36Great.
04:36I mean, that would be absolutely horrific.
04:39Jason, what do you plan to do to your most dislikable relative?
04:43OK, so, I collect a lot of art, right?
04:48Right.
04:48Not, like, good art.
04:49A lot of weird stuff.
04:52So, here's the thing.
04:53There are times when I am up late at night going on websites
04:57to buy random paintings, OK?
05:00OK.
05:00I do not remember purchasing this painting,
05:03but it arrived at my house.
05:05Imagine my surprise.
05:07Here it is.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:11Is this not the most haunted thing you've ever seen?
05:15I hate it.
05:16Yes.
05:18I don't care for it either.
05:20This task allows me an opportunity to offload this nightmare.
05:25I'm so sorry for whoever gets it.
05:27Wow.
05:27I mean, it is...
05:29God-awful.
05:30Yeah.
05:31Stevie, can you beat the disembodied floating heads of children?
05:35I think it is quite route one, but I wouldn't like this.
05:37So, it's like a really interesting-looking old envelope...
05:41OK.
05:42..that makes you be like, hang on, what's going on here?
05:45There's the envelope.
05:45Interesting.
05:46So, when you open it...
05:48This is what happens.
05:50A lot of glitter and it says, ha-ha, you're a twat.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53APPLAUSE
05:56Very clever, really.
05:57You lowered my expectations so much,
05:59but I quite liked, ha-ha, you're a twat.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03Ah!
06:04Ah!
06:04My old friend.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:08You all right, baby?
06:09What have you brought us?
06:10I mean, I dread to think what revenge you're going to take.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:13Oh, my God!
06:14So, I brought pillows.
06:17She brought pillows.
06:18Yeah.
06:19And then, but the pièce de résistance is the little note.
06:23Could you please show us the note, Alex?
06:24There's a word I didn't understand, but it says this.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:28So, let me give you the context, right?
06:30I've got an auntie who's a BITCH!
06:33LAUGHTER
06:35And, basically, for three birthdays on the trot,
06:39the bitch has got me pillows.
06:41LAUGHTER
06:42Is that the one reason she's a BITCH?
06:44Yeah!
06:44Because she buys you pillows?
06:46Yeah!
06:46So, she hasn't done any, she's not been rude to you?
06:48No!
06:49She's got you some nice pillows.
06:49She cooks the best couscous in the world, but I won't eat it.
06:54The first time you got the pillows, are you happy with that?
06:57Yeah, I was happy.
06:58Right.
06:58As I mentioned once that I need pillows.
07:00Wow!
07:01See, what?
07:02She's got you something you like!
07:03Yeah, but not free time!
07:05Well, this is your mistake.
07:07You should be seen in between things that you need next year.
07:11Yeah.
07:11This year I need a kettle.
07:13A kettle?
07:14What the hell am I, a 70-year-old woman?
07:17LAUGHTER
07:17Get ready to receive a painting, ladies!
07:21Right, Greg, what is the least good revenge?
07:25I feel sorry for Steve, you know.
07:26Come on!
07:28LAUGHTER
07:28It's not pillows!
07:30It's not that bad, is it?
07:31It could be seen as just like a, ah, you twat, love you.
07:34It's the glitter element, you've forgotten that element.
07:37Oh, God, yes, I'm sorry, five points.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:40So there's one point to Stevie.
07:42When I think about this beautiful head,
07:45popping down for the night,
07:48he doesn't want to pop his head onto some coffee grounds.
07:51He wants to pop them onto some pillows,
07:52so two points for the lovely pillows.
07:54Two points for you, Fatia.
07:55And big respect to your auntie.
07:56She's going to be your auntie soon, so stop fighting them.
07:59LAUGHTER
08:01Three points for the coffee grounds for Rosie.
08:04OK, three to Rosie, thank you.
08:04And now we're up with the really sinister things.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:08He won't like this,
08:09and it's one of the reasons I'm going to do it.
08:11I'm going to give you both five points.
08:13Yes!
08:14OK.
08:14APPLAUSE
08:18Let's ask.
08:19Two right.
08:20And yes, please, Mummy, it's time to camp it up a bit.
08:23MUSIC
08:38Wow.
08:41Hello.
08:41Hi, Stevie.
08:43Wow.
08:43You like it?
08:44I love it.
08:45It's a bit spa, isn't it?
08:47Is it?
08:47It's a little bit.
08:48Posh one.
08:50I like this.
08:51You like grottoes?
08:52Yeah.
08:53And it's great what people did before the internet.
08:56LAUGHTER
08:58Be the least annoying person round the campfire.
09:02Round the campfire.
09:04Should have had a little apostrophe before the R.
09:07Don't worry about it, I got it.
09:09OK.
09:11LAUGHTER
09:11Be the least annoying person round the campfire.
09:14You must either sing a folk song...
09:17..tell a ghost story...
09:18..or recite a beat poem.
09:20..and not be annoying.
09:23Your song, story or poem must either be about fast cars...
09:29..barbecues...
09:29..or DIY, and it can contain no more than 100 words.
09:35You must perform your song, story or poem in ten minutes from now.
09:40If I do a folk song, do I get an instrument?
09:43Yeah, I've got all the instruments.
09:45All of them.
09:46You've got a little egg?
09:49LAUGHTER
09:50No?
09:52BELL RINGS
09:59What's the beat poem?
10:00Is that the shit they do in America?
10:02Well, we can ask Jason.
10:03Who's Jason?
10:04Who's the American on the show?
10:06Oh!
10:08Don't put that in.
10:10I think we will.
10:12I'm meant to be the least annoying.
10:14Yeah, you are supposed to be, yeah.
10:15You brought this.
10:17Huge mistake.
10:21Um...
10:21Did you hear that?
10:22Yeah.
10:23That's the problem.
10:24The ghost of a moorhen.
10:25LAUGHTER
10:28You've got nine minutes left, Stevie.
10:29It's not improvised.
10:30But it's got to be no more than 100 words.
10:32Oh, shit.
10:33When are you going to write this?
10:35I figured I'd freestyle it.
10:36Oh, fine.
10:39How much have you written so far, Stevie?
10:47I mean, given that the task centres around not being annoying,
10:51you calling back to a moorhen.
10:54Yeah, that...
10:54That wasn't...
10:55That wasn't part of the thing.
10:57As for you, you were annoying so many times.
11:01I mean, you corrected the grammar on the task.
11:04Yeah?
11:05It doesn't look good, Jason.
11:07But let's see.
11:07Am I going first?
11:08Yes, it is first.
11:09A man whose co-stars on IMDb will soon read Keanu Reeves,
11:13Mark Wahlberg, Robert De Niro and little Alex Hornet's
11:15Jason Mandzukus.
11:23This is a folk song for you.
11:27Alex, we rode the rails together.
11:31Up and down, east and west, north and south, we did it all.
11:38From sea to sea, marsh to bog, we made sweet love on a dead mossy log.
11:47Alex, you're my best friend.
11:50And I love you with all of my heart.
11:59Alex, will you marry me?
12:09I don't think so.
12:10What?
12:11I don't think so.
12:18Barbecue, fast cars or DIY?
12:21Fast train cars.
12:22I said we hop trains, right?
12:24Yeah, fast train cars.
12:25I'm pretty sure train cars go probably faster than automobiles.
12:30Do you need it spelled out for you?
12:32It's god damn poetry.
12:34Thank you so much, Jason.
12:35Thank you, Alex.
12:37But you have broken my heart.
12:40APPLAUSE
12:42I found the following things annoying.
12:45Your smile.
12:46Your confidence.
12:48Your tone of voice.
12:49The soundtrack you chose.
12:51The rhyming scheme.
12:52The mawkish insincerity.
12:54The proposal.
12:55And the smug explanation of your art.
12:59And I added a footnote.
13:01It wasn't even about fast cars.
13:03It was about fucking and marrying my friend.
13:06LAUGHTER
13:07Five points.
13:09So, so fast, so bad.
13:10Next up, it's...
13:13I wish I could roll my R's.
13:15It's Rosie Ramsey.
13:17You ready?
13:18I can't wait.
13:24Why do I keep dreaming
13:29Of being alone with you
13:32Having a barbecue for our tea
13:38Sausage burgers halloumi
13:42We'll be on the menu
13:46Then we'll wash it all down
13:48With a Pinot Grinch
13:52It's the best way to eat
13:54Outside on a little seat
13:57Barbecuing is in my blood
13:59My dad is a barbecue stud
14:04In my town
14:08So why don't you join me
14:13Grab yourself a sewer
14:16And slide on some of those veggies
14:22APPLAUSE
14:30Pretty impressive.
14:32Because I've got a long history of being irritated
14:35When people show us they can sing.
14:37But I didn't find that irritating.
14:39I thought it was genuine.
14:40As you could tell from the studio reaction as well
14:43All of us enjoyed it.
14:44By stark contrast to Jason's.
14:47LAUGHTER
14:48That's the first part over.
14:50Time for a little interval.
14:51But there's more camping coming up soon.
14:55Maybe sooner than you think.
14:56Oh, shut up!
14:57You shut up!
14:58LAUGHTER
15:09Hello.
15:10Welcome back to Taskmaster. It's part two.
15:13And the cast are trying their best not to be annoying.
15:16Perhaps their hardest challenge yet.
15:19Quick reminder then.
15:20Their song
15:21It has to be no more than 100 words.
15:24And once again, it has to be no more than 100 words.
15:29Here's Fatia and Stevie.
15:41This is a true story.
15:51Right, and it was the second Eid.
15:53Which is the Eid of sacrifice.
15:55So you have to slaughter an animal.
15:57So we slaughtered a goat.
15:58And a goat is my favourite meat.
15:59Do you eat meat?
16:01Yes, I eat meat.
16:02Goat is the best meat.
16:03OK.
16:04Don't you think?
16:04Yes.
16:05This is not part of the poem.
16:06It's not a poem.
16:07It's a story.
16:08Am I taking out the goat stuff?
16:09No, no, not the goat.
16:10Just the one I asked you if you eat meat.
16:11Right.
16:12OK.
16:13And then, this is for real, yeah, this is what happened.
16:16There was a guest at somebody's house.
16:16And it was really nice because it's my favourite meat.
16:19But up to about 90 words now.
16:20OK, I'm going to carry on.
16:21OK.
16:22Because I've got to finish the story.
16:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:23People want to hear it.
16:24OK.
16:25And then they brought out another tajin,
16:27because that's what they do in Morocco.
16:28And I said, no, I'm full.
16:29She goes, no, you'll really like it.
16:30And then she goes, this is the best meat.
16:32And she went like this.
16:33And the goat that they'd slaughtered had a baby inside.
16:37And that was the baby.
16:39And she went like this.
16:41Like a flag.
16:42And she said, do you want to eat it?
16:43And I said, no, thank you.
16:47Would you not find that scary?
16:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:50Innit?
16:51So that's it?
16:52Yeah, that's it.
16:53I think I once saw a ghost at a barbecue.
16:56But I don't know, really.
17:00You saw a ghost at a barbecue?
17:01Yeah.
17:02Or maybe I didn't.
17:03Do you want a sausage?
17:04Yeah, I'd love a sausage.
17:05OK, cool.
17:06Yeah.
17:08Gonna get a sausage.
17:09Yeah.
17:15Oh, my God.
17:16I see your technique.
17:19Clever.
17:20A ghost story that was neither here nor there, thrown away.
17:24Slowing.
17:24Yeah.
17:24Sometimes people fall at the last hurdle, don't they?
17:26What?
17:27And that sausage song just got to me.
17:30Yeah, I'm gonna get a sausage.
17:32Yeah, that's funny.
17:32I went from 0 to 100 miles an hour.
17:36OK.
17:37It was good, apart from, oh, yeah, gonna get a sausage.
17:40I can't stop singing that.
17:43That's a good song, then.
17:44I'm gonna get a sausage.
17:45I'm gonna get a sausage.
17:45You love it, but it sounds like you love it.
17:48Now, you, you monster.
17:50Oh, no.
17:50I mean, it's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.
17:53Did you mistake ghost story for goat story?
17:58That's the only explanation.
18:00Cos there were no ghosts in there, were there?
18:03No.
18:03But that was the only scary thing I could think of.
18:06It's just awful.
18:09Was it annoying, though, Craig?
18:10Oh, Christ, yes.
18:13Just checking.
18:14Just checking.
18:14There's only one thing that can make me feel better
18:16and to make me forget that, and it's, oh, gonna get a sausage.
18:21Anything to make me forget her.
18:23You'll never forget me.
18:26OK, what's next?
18:27Well, finally, his walls have got paint on.
18:30His name is Matt Bainton.
18:31Here we go.
18:39All these books and I need a shelf
18:41But the handyman is busy
18:45Guess I'm in a pickle
18:47When it comes to all these books
18:51All these books and I need a shelf
18:53But the handyman's in hospital
18:57Guess I'm in a pickle
18:59Guess I'm in a pickle
18:59When it comes to all these books
19:03We've all been there
19:05With no one to rely on
19:08We've all been there
19:10With no one to rely on
19:11We don't know what to do
19:18Who can I get to put up my shelf
19:22Guess I better do it myself
19:26Everybody
19:27Who can I get to put up my shelf
19:33Guess I better do it myself
19:47I think I know all the moments you're gonna say
19:49There was only one where the Irritatometer started to go
19:53Just only on one and it was just your shrug
19:55That was the only time
19:56You're kidding
19:57Halfway through
19:58Even when I said everybody
20:00Everybody
20:01Oh, I did write everybody, Dad
20:02Thank you
20:04I need to mention the everybody again, Greg
20:06Because Matt has been hoisted by the small print before
20:10And the reprise prompted by everybody
20:12Meant something happened
20:14I'm gonna show you the reprise again
20:16Everybody
20:16Who can I get to put up my shelf
20:22Guess I better do it myself
20:27I promise
20:32It's exactly 101 words
20:34She listens to our host
20:36Everybody
20:37It makes it less annoying
20:41I mean, can you imagine
20:43Writing something that enchanting
20:45And losing to Jason
20:48So what are we gonna do?
20:50We can only allow people to get points
20:51Who stuck to the word count
20:53Sausage
20:56You do need to give points out to the other three, though
20:58Oh, Christ, well, this shouldn't be too hard
21:01That means I have to give him three points
21:05People won't take me seriously as a judge
21:07If I give you...
21:07They don't anyway!
21:11For the sake of my credibility, one point
21:13God damn it
21:15God damn you for that shit
21:18This is appalling treatment of a foreigner on your home
21:23As is the British way
21:29Where are we going with the points from here?
21:31She wasn't annoying until the sausage bit at the end
21:33And I've sort of grown to like the sausage song as well
21:35Three points
21:36Well, if she's second, traditionally it's four in second
21:38All right, I'm changing the system
21:41I'm giving Jason two points
21:42Two points to Jason
21:43Because at least he stuck to the rules
21:44Even though I'm so annoyed with him
21:47Four points to Stevie
21:48And obviously five points to Rosie
21:50Well done, Rosie Ramsey
21:51Welcome
21:51Three points
21:55Let's have a scoreboard, please
21:56Sure
21:56Well, Fatia is on pretty much minimum points
21:59Two
21:59Rosie, last week's winner, is in the lead with eight points
22:02Lovely
22:04One more for your taskmaster
22:06OK, and here is an arty parked car task
22:22Ooh
22:23Ooh
22:23Oh, well, you've won
22:24Oh, I've won this?
22:26I don't want it
22:27Please get into the vehicle
22:28OK
22:29I haven't passed my driving...
22:32Er...lessons
22:33Oh, I can see it's...
22:35There's a twist
22:36I don't know how to drive
22:37OK
22:38But I've got road rage
22:40Doesn't surprise me
22:42OK
22:43Right
22:43Draw the monster
22:45You must not turn around or leave the car
22:48If you fail to honk your horn when you see a lollipop lady
22:52You must surrender your picture for 30 seconds
22:58Where's the horn?
23:00And that'll be obvious what a lollipop lady is
23:02That's not a...
23:03I'm not familiar with the phrase lollipop lady
23:06What?
23:07Most accurate monster picture wins
23:10You have five minutes
23:12Your time...
23:15Starts...
23:18Now
23:19I can't see the monster
23:21You said I'm not allowed to turn around
23:22Yeah
23:23Oh, but I can use something else
23:27Not just a pretty face, innit?
23:34I was really worried about Stevie's opening statement
23:38I haven't passed my driving lessons
23:41I still haven't
23:43Where's the horn?
23:44I don't...
23:45Yeah
23:46Non-drivers are a bit weird, right?
23:48I don't really respect myself
23:50And I've had a real psychological issue with not passing my test
23:53So thanks for that
23:54Oh!
23:55So you have tried?
23:56Oh, I've done about 150 hours
23:59And the last lesson I had
24:00I went through a stop sign
24:01And went round the round about the wrong way
24:03And he said...
24:04You said you cannot do this
24:06Why aren't you focusing?
24:07And I was focusing so hard
24:08And then I started crying
24:09And then he took me to McDonalds
24:12LAUGHTER
24:15APPLAUSE
24:16Uncheek, oh, Jason
24:18What did you think a lollipop lady was selling?
24:20I genuinely had no idea
24:22I assumed a woman selling lollipops
24:25Which I would absolutely believe
24:28is one of the bullshit things that would occur in this country
24:31LAUGHTER
24:33Let's go
24:33OK, so here are all five drawing a monster
24:37in what I've called a MON-starge
24:39so is the can you tell me what about the monster can you tell me anything I've
24:43never seen the monster that's not a lollipop okay oh a bird isn't a monster
24:51um there's more than one well is that a monster hold on how's your picture those
25:02are not monsters oh my guess is this is a lollipop lady
25:13hello ah that's the monster that's the monster that's the monster okay that is
25:18unequivocally a monster what does the monster look like listen shut your hole
25:24yeah why is this person coming are you aware you're parked in a no parking zone
25:29I mean I have no idea well can I see a driving license I'd rather not thank
25:34you I don't have one oh yes yes my wallet brilliant that's me just a recent
25:42photograph just about a year ago that's helpful I am still gonna have to issue
25:53your parking why bra why you must turn on your hazard lights within the next 20
26:01seconds or pay a fine of eight pens okay oh I'm it's this one well we've passed the
26:1020 seconds eight pens please okay yeah just let me oh I'd love a lift come on in
26:20yeah yeah get in buddy can I um go left no bra yeah it's a lollipop monster that is a
26:34monster it was eat a lollipop league okay okay
26:48hello everyone
26:53hi guys no did you turn them on no
27:09I was delighted that I could figure it out Rose you didn't see the monster on the driving license I
27:18have
27:18woke up in cold sweats over this task oh we were the monsters weren't we were we meant to just
27:24draw
27:25ourselves Wow
27:35I mean of course not it was a monster that what you should be like yes you were the only
27:43person who saw the picture of the thing you so you could have just painted you had yes oh what
27:49did you think I meant but on a deeper level
27:51yet
27:56walking around the car this is also Taskmaster they don't do M night Shyamalan style twists
28:03we've been dead the whole time
28:05we've been dead the whole time
28:09I died in the lab on the first
28:13We've all given stuff away in our wills.
28:15Yes!
28:16The clues were there from the very start!
28:24Show me some pictures, young man.
28:26OK, well, I'll show you four of them. I won't show you Rosie's yet.
28:28This is the first four, and the monster. You can see how well they've done.
28:32Batyr's monster hasn't got a head.
28:35Presumably that was consumed as a family meal.
28:39Only one more monster to see.
28:42So this is Rosie's picture of the monster.
28:49Sorry, did you misread the task?
28:51Was it draw the monster as if the monster had fallen off a building?
28:59I thought I was the monster.
29:01Yeah, we know what you thought.
29:04He's quite a sassy...
29:07...
29:11...
29:14You
29:15You
29:16You
29:17You
29:17You
29:18You
29:18You
29:20You
29:28You
Comments