#video #Hacks S05E01-2 (2026)
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00:05To be continued...
00:45Oh, God, look at this.
00:53She has risen!
00:56Oh, no!
00:58I was never dead.
01:00TMZ got a bad tip.
01:01They issued a retraction this morning.
01:03But they said they carried your body off a boat in Singapore and you didn't make it.
01:06What?
01:07They said they carried your body off a boat in Singapore and you didn't make it.
01:13No, yeah.
01:14No, no, no.
01:14I didn't make it to the hospital.
01:17I came to it in the ambulance.
01:19I had them reroute me to my hotel.
01:20Oh, hallelujah.
01:24We didn't want to believe it, but it made sense because of your, you know, your, um...
01:28Oh, your breakdown.
01:30My breakdown?
01:31Yeah.
01:32At late night, it was all over the news that you went cuckoo.
01:36Cuckoo.
01:42Debra Vance is alive!
01:49Oh, my God!
01:58Motherfuckers!
01:59These headlines are horrible!
02:02How Debra Vance lost her way and lost late night in the process.
02:05Oh, diva down!
02:07Talk show host's bizarre behavior raises serious concerns.
02:11Ever since you went to Singapore, Bob Lipka has been smearing you in the press.
02:14But I defended you in all the comments with my burner at Joyce Goldblood Chang.
02:19Oh, my God.
02:19Debra Vance is on air break.
02:21Why they cut the feed before her meltdown.
02:23What?
02:23That's a bad one.
02:24Oh, once an arsonist, always an arsonist.
02:26Debra Vance burns down late night?
02:28My God!
02:28I knew that social media detox was going to bite me in the ass.
02:32First, I was taking some very unflattering photos.
02:34Now, this?
02:35There are hundreds of these.
02:37Where are all the articles calling me a free speech warrior?
02:39Well, there were some positive ones, but they've been buried.
02:42Well, of course!
02:42Because that bastard owns almost every news outlet.
02:45Oh, my God.
02:46I think we've all read the stories.
02:47Speaking of.
02:48Yeah, it's tragic.
02:50Of course, I wish Debra had spoken to us first, but hey, it is a tough gig.
02:53Oh!
02:54Not everyone's built for it.
02:57We all just hope she gets well.
02:58Gets well?
02:59Gets well?
02:59Gets well!
03:01No wonder the obituary was so bad.
03:03They needed someone to blame, so they blamed me, the crazy lady.
03:06It's a fucking house fire all over again.
03:09We need to sue, okay?
03:10And we need to get these websites to issue a retraction.
03:13I don't think that's good.
03:14No.
03:14Damage is already done.
03:16Fuck.
03:16We need to shift the narrative with something bigger than all of this.
03:21Like what?
03:22I'll figure something out.
03:30Sorry, you guys bad.
03:35I think I should do a couple's costume for Halloween.
03:37Well, what are you thinking?
03:38Or Lisa or...
03:39Knock, knock.
03:40Hey.
03:41May I?
03:42Sure.
03:45Regret to inform you that Jeff Dunham is signing elsewhere.
03:49Fuck!
03:50But the meeting went so well, I even got along with a stupid-ass puppet.
03:53All of our meetings go well.
03:54And then they find out we can't do business with Bob Lipka's companies and they ghost us.
03:57Well, it doesn't help that our client list is older female and losing bone density by
04:01the minute, Jimmy.
04:02You don't have to tell me twice.
04:03We lost two clients to Bad Falls this month alone.
04:05It's sad.
04:06And I don't want to visit the hospital again.
04:08Parking is a nightmare.
04:09I didn't want to tell you this, but we lost Lassie.
04:13The dog signed somewhere else?
04:14No, I mean we literally lost her.
04:16She ran away.
04:17And she's not fixed, Jimmy.
04:18She's probably taken loads from every pity from here to Santa Clarita, stupid whore.
04:22All right, look.
04:22I know this isn't popular.
04:23No one's going to want to hear this.
04:24But I think we should revisit the conversation about downsizing this office.
04:27No!
04:27We're not downsizing.
04:30Don't make me say that again.
04:31Kayla?
04:31The office, the rent, the phones, the insurance.
04:34It costs $30,000 a month to be here.
04:36It's worth it.
04:37We're projecting success to the industry.
04:39I mean, there's already nasty gossip going around about us ever since you beat the shit
04:42out of Bob Lipkoff.
04:42I didn't beat the shit out of him.
04:44I just knocked his phone out of his hand.
04:45We had a little scuffle.
04:46The assistant slack is still a buzz for us.
04:48Not good.
04:49If we move now, it's a death bill.
04:52Okay.
04:53Fine.
04:54It's Damien.
04:55It says Debra wants to have lunch in Vegas this afternoon.
04:57Oh my god.
04:58The last minute flights are going to be so expensive.
04:59This is what I'm talking about.
05:00Do you know what's free?
05:01Give me a BMW, which I just had vacuumed.
05:03It's spotless.
05:04You could eat an omukasi off the dash.
05:06Sure, but if we're going to drive and be there at lunch, we've got to go now.
05:08Road trip.
05:09I'll drive.
05:10Don't worry.
05:10I just got my license.
05:11Just?
05:12Shotgun.
05:13Okay, I guess I'll sit in the back of my own car.
05:14Go with me.
05:19Come on.
05:22Wake up!
05:22Woo!
05:24I figured it out.
05:26What time is it?
05:26Actually, what day is it?
05:28Every obituary leads with a person's greatest achievement or failure.
05:32That's why I need a win.
05:33A legacy-defining win that they cannot spend.
05:35Okay.
05:36I refuse to be remembered on other people's terms as a quitter or the person who killed
05:40late night or some hysterical woman.
05:42I have worked too hard and I have fought far too long.
05:45I will be remembered for my accomplishments.
05:48Yes.
05:48So I have decided to EGOT.
05:54Uh, EGOT?
05:55Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony.
05:56Oh, I know.
05:57Well, actually, I didn't.
05:58I thought the G was for a Golden Globe, but I love that.
06:02I love that!
06:02Oh, good.
06:03I kind of assumed you'd think it was crazy.
06:05No.
06:06I think it'd be crazy if you did not do that.
06:08Right?
06:09Great!
06:10Come on, get up.
06:10We're having lunch with the team.
06:11Now!
06:12Lunch?
06:13I'm still on Singapore Standard Time.
06:17Midnight Snack would be good.
06:31Let's try it!
06:31It's mail alive!
06:33It's hard, but it's worth it.
06:36I mean, I know EGOT is ambitious, but I'm already halfway there.
06:39I have a daytime Emmy for hosting Begongo.
06:42Yes!
06:42Oh, my God.
06:43Begongo.
06:43Wait, what?
06:44Oh, Begongo was a game show on the USA Network in 1992 where celebrities played Boggle on
06:50a constantly shaking floor.
06:51So funny.
06:52And I already have my Tony for producing.
06:53You know, post-coital haze, Eric Idle convinced me to put some money into Spamalot.
06:57Anyway, I already have my T and my E, so now I need you to get me my O.
07:04O.
07:05Well, O was for Oscar.
07:06No, I know what O stands for.
07:07I just meant O, like, a reaction.
07:09Oh, that's crazy!
07:10Wow!
07:11Anyway, Debra, I'm going to have to review your contract because I have to see what you
07:14can even do legally.
07:16Busman, permission to speak?
07:18Sure.
07:19Now, the network paid out Debra's contract, and they did it all through her exclusivity
07:22clause, not the non-compete.
07:24Technically, she can't do anything scripted or paid.
07:26TV, film, no new media.
07:27They control her socials.
07:28No live public performances.
07:30And the contract specifies Florida law governs.
07:33And because Debra already signed her injunctive relief clause, if she violates the contract,
07:36they can come out of her with a restraining order, or worse!
07:39You memorized all that?
07:41Inadvertently, I mean...
07:41Someone recently told me they thought I was autistic.
07:44That was me this morning.
07:45Oh, yeah!
07:46Anyway, she can technically still film something out, as long as it's not released until the
07:50non-compete is over.
07:51I like this young man.
07:53The thing about the Oscars...
07:53No, no, Jimmy, it's not that difficult.
07:56I mean, award voters love it when funny people go dead serious.
07:59Just find me my Monique moment.
08:01Oh, well, I can set you up as a general style.
08:02Oh, no, onto the grounds.
08:03Tragically, I have been nominated for my stand-up record seven times I have never won.
08:07Seven?
08:08I was seven.
08:09Not a Bands in Hell, Under the Knife, Over the Drama, Live at the Mall of America,
08:14Your Lester Diaries, Live Free Your Diet, The Death Commandments, and The Best Things
08:19in Life are at Sears, Different Bands Live, sponsored by Sears.
08:22So, yeah, seven.
08:23Robbed.
08:24Now, I know I can't do stand-up right now, so I'm taking a different route.
08:26I'm going to compete in the best audiobook category by recording my memoir.
08:30You wrote a memoir?
08:31That's great.
08:32Well, no, not yet.
08:33But I happen to know the best writer in the world.
08:36Oh.
08:37Tony Kushner.
08:39Hey, what about me?
08:40You can't write my memoir.
08:41You're too obsessed with me.
08:43It's cool.
08:43I gave up on developing my prose skills when I realized Gen Alpha can't read.
08:47All right, everybody, let's go.
08:48G-O stands for Grammy, Oscar.
08:51Yeah.
08:52I'm not scared.
08:53Woo!
08:53A Grammy and an Oscar favor.
08:56No, I know, okay?
08:57But you don't understand how bad it got in Singapore.
08:59She was sleeping all day.
09:01She was drinking till noon.
09:02Jimmy, she wore Crocs in public.
09:04Did the Crocs have a heel?
09:05No.
09:06But she keeps her heels on during surgery.
09:08Yeah, so that's why whatever she wants to do, we need to get on board, okay?
09:12Okay.
09:12Yeah.
09:13And you know what?
09:14I guess she has done crazier things, right?
09:16Yes, of course.
09:17She can do anything.
09:18We can do anything.
09:20Speaking of which, I need you to write and sell a huge international hit that has potential
09:23for sequels.
09:24Can you do that?
09:25I...
09:25Look, I would never normally pressure a client to help our firm financially, but we really
09:30need a...
09:31We've had a tough few months.
09:33Jimmy, she gave up the show for me.
09:35You know, I have to stay and help her.
09:36I'm sorry.
09:37No, no, no.
09:37I get that.
09:39Actually, I did finish my Mall Girl script in Singapore.
09:41I can send you that.
09:42Amazing.
09:43Okay, great.
09:44You send me that, and I guess I'll go get Debra an Academy Award?
09:49Perfect.
09:50Great to see you.
09:56Mr. Kushner, I just want to say, it's such an honor to observe the writing process of
10:02one of my heroes.
10:03I mean, Angels in America was just, yeah, so formative for me.
10:06Oh, that's sweet.
10:07She's just shadowing, so feel free to ignore her.
10:09I often do.
10:10Oh.
10:11So, Tony, where do we start?
10:13I'm thinking a chapter a day, 15 chapters.
10:15We should be able to wrap this up in two weeks.
10:17Easy.
10:18Oh, we're going to need far longer than that.
10:20I really believe in an immersive process.
10:23Oh.
10:24Okay.
10:25Well, I don't tend to love those whiny childhood parts of most celebrity memoirs, but then again,
10:32I was a very strong child.
10:34I held up my own head at three months old.
10:36My little blonde head.
10:37Oh, wow.
10:38I know.
10:39Oh, that would make a great opening sentence.
10:41Quote, I was born blonde.
10:43I actually want to start way before that.
10:47Since your people descend from Scotland, I've been reading The Lion in the North, 1,000 years
10:53of Scotland's history.
10:54Did you know that your eighth great grandfather was a prominent figure in the Battle of Glen
11:00Fruin?
11:01I didn't.
11:02It's really fascinating stuff.
11:04It starts with the McGregor clan.
11:06They were in a feud with the Coughlin clan over cattle thefts and land thefts.
11:09It's like the beginning of the 17th century when James VI, there was a big homo, moved to England
11:15to become James I.
11:16First, and it was the start of the Jacobean era, and then the translation of the DG.
11:20Bye.
11:25Okay.
11:26What if Debra produces a documentary short?
11:28That's got to be an easy category, right?
11:29There's no way Debra's getting into that category this year.
11:33I mean, do you see how many ongoing lores we have going on right now?
11:35There's at least a nominee coming out of each.
11:38Unless Debra wants to drag a film crew through the Congo, it's not happening.
11:42God, this is impossible.
11:43It is.
11:44Is it, though?
11:45No, because correct me if I'm wrong, there already is a movie with early Oscar bus that
11:48Debra has a connection to.
11:49Which one?
11:50The Fatty Arbuckle movie, Jimmy.
11:52The one you're producing.
11:53Hello?
11:54Hi, yeah, no.
11:55That's the only project we have without Debra or a rabid dog attached.
11:58Absolutely not, no.
11:59And dare I say I'm proud of my work on it.
12:01Thank you very much.
12:02It's an awards season dream.
12:04It's a biopic.
12:05It's got famous actors playing a game's type.
12:07It's a period piece.
12:08It's got everything.
12:09She just needs a small part.
12:10Do you know that Beatrice Strait won the Oscar for Network despite having only five minutes
12:14of screen time?
12:15Five minutes.
12:16I didn't know.
12:16That had no idea.
12:17But it doesn't matter.
12:18We're already finished shooting.
12:19Don't we have to do reshoots?
12:20No, we are doing additional photography.
12:22Reshoot.
12:22We are doing additional photography that's different than a reshoot.
12:24Christopher Plummer was nominated for a performance done entirely within additional photography.
12:31Wow.
12:31How do you know all this stuff?
12:33Once I started learning about Hollywood, I couldn't stop.
12:35Such a fascinating mix of culture and business and art and history.
12:39It's America.
12:40I mean, maybe if she was Australian, I could see it.
12:42Mm-hmm.
12:43But, no, look.
12:45The Arbuckle movie is the only thing that's going well for her.
12:48I can't mess it up.
12:49All right.
12:49Whatever you say.
12:50Maybe she could learn sound mixing and rise to the top of her field in the next two weeks.
12:55The worst idea I've ever heard.
12:57Hey, there are no bad ideas, but...
12:58No, it's okay. I probably shouldn't have said anything.
13:02Fuck!
13:03You've got to be more sensitive to her, okay?
13:05Kayla, Kayla, honey, it's okay.
13:07You know what? There are no bad ideas in a brainstorm.
13:08And it's really hard to get an Oscar.
13:12Okay, so today, let's start with high school.
13:20I was gorgeous, smart, and popular.
13:22College, same.
13:23Now, that's when Frank came in.
13:24Before we get into that, let me just play you something.
13:28I stood there, shivering in my pajamas, and...
13:31I think this is the soundtrack for the first chapter of the book.
13:36Books don't have soundtracks.
13:38No, the soundtrack I'll listen to while I write that section of your life.
13:42Oh, my God.
13:42That is such a cool way to do it.
13:45God, when I write, I just change out of my sleep pajamas to my daytime pajamas.
13:50Maybe close your eyes to really feel it?
13:54I don't know.
13:55I have a poet, sir.
14:01Oh, wow.
14:03This does feel good.
14:05Right?
14:05She gets it.
14:11Oh, I love this song.
14:14Hi, Tony.
14:15Is that all there is?
14:19Is that all there is?
14:23If that's all there is, my friends,
14:27then let's keep dancing.
14:32Oh, Freddy.
14:33I can't be alone.
14:35I wish I could hold you just one more time.
14:42I can't believe I'm saying this, but Deborah actually would be better for this part.
14:46Uh, yeah.
14:47Anybody would.
14:47Let's cut.
14:49I'm sorry, guys.
14:50I'm really having trouble accessing the emotions today.
14:53No, no, no, darling.
14:54You're doing fantastic.
14:55We love it.
14:57I hate it.
14:58She's so bad.
14:59Yeah, she's been horrible all day.
15:01Do you think that maybe she'd be better if we put peanut butter on the roof of her mouth?
15:05What?
15:05We recently did the last reboot.
15:07She's kidding, I think.
15:07I'm not kidding.
15:08I hope.
15:09Look, I hate to say this, but I do think we should recast her.
15:12You do?
15:13That's a good idea.
15:14I mean, this movie's about a comedian, right?
15:15It's leaning a little maudlin.
15:17I think you should put a comedian in the role, right?
15:21What about Deborah Vance?
15:23It's an interesting idea.
15:24Does she act at all?
15:25Are you kidding?
15:26She was the lead of Who's Making Dinner?
15:27Groundbreaking sitcom in the 70s?
15:29She's great at that.
15:30You know what is crazy?
15:30Her story is exactly like Faddy's.
15:32I mean, she was cast aside by the public.
15:34She was maligned.
15:35But then she rose from the ashes.
15:36It's actually really good for the narrative, and I think she'd be amazing in the park.
15:39That was very inspiring, Kayla.
15:40I just totally came up with it.
15:42Didn't she go crazy or something?
15:43No, no, no.
15:44That was a coordinated smear campaign.
15:45That is absolutely false.
15:46I can tell you, Esme, all those things you grab is-
15:48Something not true.
15:49She's sassier than ever.
15:50Okay, great.
15:50I love it.
15:51Let's do it.
15:52Okay.
15:52Awesome.
15:53Oh my god.
15:53And you have to fire Esme because I'm not good at being direct with people.
15:57You're a director.
15:57I know.
15:59Okay.
16:00Great.
16:01Cool.
16:02Moving on, everyone.
16:03All right, moving on.
16:06God, I can't believe you recorded a book already.
16:08Oh, no, no.
16:09The book's not happening.
16:10I fired Kushner.
16:11You fired Tony Kushner?
16:13Hmm?
16:14Oh, Deborah.
16:15God.
16:16I was going to slowly develop a relationship with him over the course of years and then
16:19eventually ask him to read my script and he was going to love it.
16:22You know how it is with men.
16:23If they're not moving at your pace, it just gets boring and painful after a while.
16:27Okay, so why are we in a recording studio then?
16:29I had McKinsey run the numbers to see if I could still get a Grammy this year.
16:34Deborah, we talked about you not using McKinsey.
16:37You said I could do it if it was for a good cause.
16:39No, I didn't.
16:40Well, it is and I did.
16:42Apparently, it is an incredibly weak year for one Grammy category.
16:46Regional Mexican music album, including Tejano.
16:50And...
16:51And if I'm featured with the frontrunner and they win, which they will because it's a weak
16:54year, I get my G.
16:56Yay!
16:58Hey, Deborah.
16:59We're ready for you.
17:00Thanks.
17:02Okay, wish me luck.
17:06Did you know about this?
17:08Yes.
17:11Hey, how are you doing?
17:13Good.
17:13All right.
17:14Yeah.
17:15Hit it!
17:21My cigarritas, que solo yo puedo querer, de porcelana, que solo yo puedo perder, son las que más quiero yo,
17:30y solo son bellagros, son mi vida.
17:36Oh, God.
17:37I hate firing people.
17:39Let's do good cop, bad cop.
17:40I'll be bad cop.
17:41They're sexier.
17:42Okay.
17:43Just...
17:44Okay.
17:45We should see a concert soon.
17:46I'm kind of in the mood for a concert.
17:48All right.
17:49Come in.
17:52Hi there.
17:52It's Jimmy and Kayla.
17:53Yeah.
17:54Hi.
17:55Hi.
17:56We need to talk to you, honey.
17:57Okay.
17:58Sure.
17:58Come on in.
18:00Oh, thank you so much for welcoming us into your space.
18:03Of course.
18:05Um, we should start by saying that you, madam, have been just so punctual.
18:12Of course I'm punctual.
18:13That being said, you're bad.
18:15You're acting's ass.
18:16And you're being outperformed by a dead corpse, mama.
18:19Okay.
18:20Sorry about her.
18:20Give us a second.
18:21That was insane.
18:22But honestly, it's on me.
18:23I should have never let you be bad cop.
18:24You be good cop.
18:25Okay.
18:26Kind of an oxymoron, though.
18:28Fucking pigs.
18:28Just be as nice as you possibly can, okay?
18:30Okay.
18:31I'll be the nicest girl in the whole world.
18:33Sorry about that, hon.
18:34I'm super bipolar.
18:36Oh, my God.
18:37I did not know that.
18:38Oh, um, yeah.
18:40I, uh, I'm really sorry about that.
18:42But unfortunately, I do have some bad news.
18:44Okay.
18:45Those are your lips.
18:47If so, your boyfriend's one lucky son of a bitch.
18:50I, I, I have a, a wife.
18:52Oh, gay ass.
18:53Listen, there's no easy way to say this.
18:56You are being recast.
18:57What?
18:58Oh, my God.
18:59You are terminated and effective immediately.
19:01Please pack up your things and return your costume and the wig cap.
19:03Fuck you, Jimmy.
19:04Seriously?
19:05What?
19:06I mean, this is so unfair, right?
19:08Insane.
19:08Wrong.
19:09Let's get the union involved.
19:11You jackass.
19:12No, we're not getting the union involved.
19:13We're just recasting.
19:14It happens every day.
19:14No, I mean, seriously, you've been mistreated in the workplace.
19:16No, she hasn't.
19:17This is just a recasting.
19:18It happens every day in Hollywood.
19:19I've never seen something like this.
19:21It happens a lot, okay?
19:22Unfortunately, this decision is final.
19:24You're fired.
19:25But you're also signed by us as a client.
19:28Really?
19:29Mm-hmm.
19:29Kayla.
19:30I am seeking representation.
19:32Well, you found it.
19:32It's Schaefer and Lusak.
19:33Welcome to the family.
19:35Oh, my God.
19:36Yeah, we should definitely get a dinner on the books.
19:38Yay!
19:40Oh, my God.
19:40She, she, she, she.
19:42Yeah.
19:43Tills will come, but I'll talk.
19:46Yeah, it's still too big as fun.
19:47I'm a screenwriter.
19:49I consider myself a playwright who's learned to write screenplays.
19:52Or perhaps I should say, I'm a playwright who's learned to write screenplays for Steven Spielberg.
19:56Hello.
19:57Hey, what's up?
19:58I've been thinking the real way to cement my legacy is for me to primary AOC.
20:05What do you think?
20:07Oh, um, yeah.
20:10Yeah, totally.
20:11That sounds good.
20:12I guess we'd have to get you a New York address first.
20:15In the Bronx.
20:15That could be cool.
20:16We could hang out there.
20:17I heart New York.
20:17I would love to hang out in New York City a lot more.
20:19I would love that.
20:20Okay, that's it.
20:21What is wrong with you?
20:23Nothing.
20:23What are you talking about?
20:24You're not challenging me in your normal,
20:26well, haven't you ever considered Ava Way?
20:29I'm just trying to be supportive.
20:30Well, I don't need a yes man.
20:32I need a no woman to ignore.
20:35Okay, well, fine.
20:38Uh, yeah, things got really dark in Singapore,
20:41and it was really scary seeing you that way.
20:43And now you're back, and you're motivated,
20:45and it's just nice to see you getting out of bed every day excited.
20:49Well, okay.
20:53But, you know, I do sometimes.
20:56I need you to be honest with me.
21:00Okay, well, I don't think performing Tejano music
21:03is how you want to rewrite your legacy.
21:05Por que no?
21:08I just, I don't know that, like,
21:10trying to find some loophole to game the system
21:12in an obscure awards category
21:14is what you want to be remembered for, is it?
21:16Maybe.
21:18I mean, this non-compete could be a blessing in disguise.
21:20I could discover something new I'm brilliant at,
21:22my true calling.
21:23I mean, look at Woody Allen.
21:24He's a gifted clarinetist.
21:27Doll, Woody Allen is not going to be remembered
21:28for playing the clarinet,
21:29or the movies, or the bucket hat.
21:31It's going to be the other thing.
21:32Okay?
21:33And you are going to be remembered for comedy
21:35because you're a comedian.
21:37You said it yourself in your final monologue, remember?
21:39Oh, God, I don't remember what I said.
21:42I certainly haven't watched it.
21:43Yeah, well, maybe you should.
21:47Okay.
21:48What is the biggest achievement for a comedian?
21:51Beating a rape trial.
21:53Seriously?
21:55Hosting a late-night show.
21:56Come on, anything else?
21:59Selling out Madison Square Garden.
22:02Okay, great.
22:04But I can't do that.
22:07I can't perform.
22:08I know, and I don't know how to get around that.
22:11I don't know what to do.
22:12So you have a bump, but no pitch.
22:17Yeah, I'm sorry.
22:19Yeah, me too.
22:27I'm going bad.
22:28Yeah.
22:31And I...
22:33Hi.
22:56What?
23:06No results.
23:08Unbelievable.
23:09Yeah, they've taken down every late-night clip.
23:11This is criminal.
23:12Hang on.
23:14Oh, shit.
23:15What?
23:17They took down my bad, too.
23:20What?
23:24Why would my special be gone?
23:26Because it's on their streamer.
23:28Bob Luka controls that, too.
23:30They fucking scrubbed everything.
23:33Everything.
23:35Everything that we have worked on for the past five years is gone.
23:40They're not just rewriting me.
23:41They are erasing me.
23:43I'm so sorry.
23:45You know, the last time the press smeared me,
23:48I just let them.
23:49I leaned into it.
23:50But not this time.
23:51This time, I am writing my story.
23:53Because you're right.
23:53I am a comedian.
23:55And I'm doing comedy.
23:56And I'm doing it tomorrow night.
23:58Totally.
23:59Super support you.
24:00But how are you going to call Jimmy, manager?
24:02Being let go is a normal part of the business.
24:05I'm sure she'll be okay.
24:06Thank you, Warner.
24:07But again, I do want to revisit working on your boundaries with Glias.
24:11I've been thinking about that a lot.
24:12And I, um...
24:13Oh, you know what?
24:14Debra's calling.
24:15Same time next week?
24:16Great.
24:18Hey, Debra.
24:19Hi, hi, hi, hi.
24:19I hope it's not too late.
24:20No, no, this is great.
24:21I actually want to talk to you.
24:22I just figured it was too late for you.
24:24Are you ready for your close-up, Mr. Vance?
24:26What?
24:27I got you a part.
24:28Your Oscar is just one great performance,
24:30nomination, flawless campaign, and win away.
24:33No, I'm over that.
24:34Don't need an Oscar anymore.
24:35No, yes, you do.
24:36You need it.
24:37You told me you needed it.
24:37And we recast somebody.
24:39We're putting you on the call sheet right now.
24:40Jimmy, I'm doing stand-up tomorrow.
24:42Oh, no.
24:43You're sundown in Darlin'.
24:45You cannot perform.
24:46No, I'm going to do a secret show.
24:48We're going to confiscate phones.
24:49Well, no venue's going to agree to that.
24:51They don't have to.
24:53I know a guy.
24:56Password?
24:57Hermes Kelly 28 Kroc Gold Hardware.
25:03Follow me.
25:04That is just a tag.
25:15Phones, please.
25:16If your babysitter calls, Damien here will handle it.
25:19And if you try to sneak in a device, you will be tased.
25:22They are good.
25:22Follow me and watch your step.
25:24You're not liable people, ladies.
25:26Open any heart candy now.
25:28So help me God.
25:29If I hear a rustle, you're gone.
25:31Sit.
25:31Right this way.
25:33Front row, best seat in the house.
25:34You do have to sit on the floor, though.
25:35Sorry about that.
25:35Did you get your line yet?
25:37The Arbuckle movie is freaking out.
25:38Right, let me try her again.
25:44I'm so sorry, everybody.
25:46I'm so sorry.
25:47Oh, it's my son calling.
25:49He's been trying to reach me.
25:51Hi, honey.
25:51What's going on?
25:52You know that we shoot until midnight every night.
25:54I know.
25:54I'm sorry.
25:54Just listen.
25:55I got you a role in the Fatty Arbuckle movie.
25:57Okay.
25:58Say more.
25:59Here's the only issue.
25:59We lose our location Saturday, so we have to shoot tomorrow.
26:02Can you be off book for eight pages by morning?
26:04Baby, are you kidding?
26:05I'm in soaps.
26:06I could be off book for Hamlet in 20 minutes.
26:08Oh, great.
26:09Okay.
26:10Oh, the show's starting.
26:11I gotta go.
26:11I'll text you.
26:12All right, love you.
26:13Okay.
26:14When the mom is in, she's gonna do it.
26:16Yes.
26:17Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah,
26:30Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah,
26:32Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah,
26:33Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah,
26:35Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah,
26:38Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah
26:45Oh, thank you.
26:49Here I am, back from the dead.
26:54You know, when a man does that, he's the son of God.
26:56When a woman does it, she's held for questioning at LAX.
27:01The only other time I was mistaken for a corpse
27:03is when I let a straight man do my makeup.
27:10You know, when you're away from the spotlight,
27:14you have time to think about what really matters.
27:17The spotlight!
27:19God, it's time to be there!
27:30Oh, can I try the kitty cat?
27:37Mmm.
27:38Oh, that is fierce.
27:40Stunning.
27:41Stunning.
27:42Oh.
27:42Excuse me.
27:43Are you Deborah Vance?
27:45Yes, I'm alive.
27:46And you've been served.
27:51Bitch!
27:53Shit, there's a video of you from the show online.
27:55I can't believe all of us people found it so quickly.
27:58Looks like we're going to court.
27:59Ma'am, when you get that ring back...
28:00She'll give it back when she's ready.
28:27We've just learned the judges ruled that due to Comstar's investment in promoting Deborah Vance
28:31Vance as the host of Late Night, the clause barring her from performing is, in fact, enforceable.
28:35A temporary restraining order will be put in place until a full trial can be set.
28:39This is a huge loss for Ms. Vance and her team.
28:42We'll be covering...
28:43We'll be covering...
28:43Okay, okay.
28:45Give us some space, please.
28:46Stay back.
28:48Free speech is under attack in this country.
28:51Today, I've been told that I cannot so much as perform one single joke or I will go to jail.
28:57But they can't censor me forever.
28:59The moment that my contract expires, I will be speaking my truth.
29:02In fact, I'll be shouting it.
29:04At my comeback show at the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden.
29:12Excuse us, guys.
29:13Excuse us, please.
29:13Block it up.
29:14Block out.
29:15Give us some room.
29:18The Garden?
29:19Yep.
29:20It's the ultimate wing for a comedian.
29:22If I sell it out, I'll be one of only a handful who've ever done it.
29:24And that's a lot of your time.
29:27Mm-hmm.
29:29Wait.
29:29You leaked that video, didn't you?
29:31No!
29:32I did.
29:33That was a great pitch.
29:34We had to announce somehow.
29:37Oh, my God.
29:39Just say I ain't Christmas.
29:42No, no, no.
29:45I ain't Christmas.
29:47Oh, no, no.
29:49I'm back.
29:50Back in the New York moon.
29:53I'm back.
29:54Back in the New York moon.
29:57Learn how to drive you, jabroni.
29:59I'll see you at the bottom of the fucking Hudson.
30:04It's so great to be back in New York.
30:06Yeah.
30:07What?
30:07I will.
30:08Oh, my God.
30:09Oh, my God.
30:11Oh, my God.
30:11Oh, my God.
30:11Here I am in this shit with a fist rolling out.
30:16And baby, you better believe I'm back.
30:20Back in the New York moon.
30:23I'm back.
30:23I'm bearing gifts.
30:25Wow.
30:25I see that.
30:26Hi, pretty.
30:31Oh, look at that.
30:32Look at that view.
30:33That's gorgeous.
30:37You know, I can't accept bribes.
30:39Bribes.
30:39I don't like to say bribes.
30:41No, this is.
30:41I just have a little shit.
30:42I was thinking it was like a hostess.
30:43I wonder what you do.
30:46Well, I heard that you were understandably less than pleased that I announced I was doing
30:51a show at your esteemed venue before I had actually booked it.
30:55And I just wanted to come in person and apologize and say, I cannot wait to work together.
30:59You're right.
30:59I was very pissed off because that is not how things work around here.
31:03No.
31:03I'm sorry.
31:05And if you would come to me, I would have told you that I don't think you're right for
31:08MSG.
31:09I think you're right for Radio City.
31:11I think you're right for Webster Hall.
31:14Ha!
31:14I know this bitch didn't just say Webster Hall.
31:16Oh, okay.
31:17I can tell you're a whole deal.
31:20She is.
31:20But we do feel very strongly that the garden is the best venue for someone of Deborah's
31:24stature.
31:24Okay.
31:25The talk show was great, but you don't have the comps.
31:29You haven't toured in years.
31:31You barely have any social media presence.
31:32It's just, it's too much of a gamble.
31:35I will sell out.
31:37And even if I don't, what does it matter to you?
31:39I mean, we will front the rental costs.
31:40You'll be off the hook.
31:41It's not just about the money.
31:42If you are playing MSG, you are the center of cultural conversation.
31:47I mean, our venue is a major part of New York City's history.
31:49We can't just let anyone perform here.
31:51I'm sorry.
31:52Isn't there a live true crime podcast playing tonight?
31:54Murder, My Stupid Ass, Please has over 90 million monthly listeners.
31:58It is hosted by two of the most popular people in America.
32:01They swayed the presidential election.
32:03You know, I think you might be underestimating Deborah's fans because they are rabid.
32:06They abducted me once.
32:07I got free, but I didn't call the cops because they are so sweet.
32:12My point is, they're enthusiastic, and these tickets are going to sell.
32:15I just don't see it.
32:16This won't be just a stand-up show.
32:17This will be historic.
32:19I'm taking down Bob Lipka and his censorship of me and speaking truth to power.
32:22This is bigger than just me.
32:25I'm sorry, Deborah.
32:27I'm so sorry.
32:28I should not have wasted your time with this petty, gifting business.
32:34How do two shares of Berkshire Hathaway Class A stocks on?
32:37Thank you so much for coming by.
32:38Absolutely.
32:39Thanks.
32:40We'll leave these with you.
32:41Thanks for your time.
32:43Have a nice day, I guess.
32:46That MSG booker is dumb.
32:48And her leather jacket was stupid.
32:49No, it was a full-grain leather and a sophisticated cup.
32:51Fine.
32:52She's rich, cool, and ruining our lives.
32:54Look, we just need to reignite the base.
32:56The Little Deppies would help me with anything.
32:58Do you remember in 93?
32:59They started that hunger strike so I could get reinstated at the spokesperson for snack wells?
33:02Or when they crashed the Eileen Fisher website the day your cashmere dusters dropped?
33:05Yeah, exactly.
33:06What about that autograph you mentioned in Vegas you passed on?
33:08The Little Deppies will love that.
33:09You're a genius!
33:10We get my biggest fans together in one place, I shower them with love and affection, and
33:15then we ask them to organize a grassroots movement to get me Madison Square Garden!
33:19When is it?
33:20Three weeks, the 21st.
33:21That's Ada's birthday.
33:22It's fine.
33:23Are there any other options?
33:24No.
33:24No, no, no.
33:25Honestly, I don't care about my birthday.
33:26I really don't.
33:28You have to at least take the day off.
33:31And hang out with who?
33:32I only have one friend, remember?
33:34What are you talking about?
33:36Remember the last night in Singapore?
33:37Don't worry, sir, it was weird you were my only friend.
33:40You probably don't remember him.
33:41You're pretty drunk, girl.
33:42It's fine.
33:43Don't worry, I didn't survive growing up in Massachusetts by letting a drunk person's
33:46insults affect me.
33:48Seriously, you should do it.
33:49So should I cook it?
33:51Yeah.
33:52Yeah.
33:52Here, Jimmy, get the shot.
33:58Perfect!
33:59What?
33:59That's what we've been waiting for?
34:01Yeah.
34:01For content.
34:02I need it, though.
34:03I need one content.
34:04I'm looking for my baby.
34:07Been searching for a long, long time.
34:11I got to find my baby.
34:14Got to get this building off my mind.
34:18You need to hug us.
34:20Good morning, my favorite ladies and Damien.
34:23So we've talked to the organizers, slipped them a hundo, and guess what?
34:26They moved Heather Locklear to the other side of the building.
34:28Good.
34:29She's still my exact shade of blonde in 98.
34:31And look, I know you want to be out by three, so I'm going to talk to Billy Baldwin and
34:33see
34:33if he'll give you his time slot in the photo studio.
34:35Perfect, yeah.
34:35I don't want to be here too late.
34:36Okay.
34:37I'm going to head to the table.
34:38All right.
34:38See you over there.
34:40And you.
34:41Happy birthday, birthday girl.
34:43Oh, thanks.
34:44Oh, thanks.
34:45I know we normally get you a gift, but we are a little low on funds this year.
34:47I'm sorry about that.
34:48Don't even worry about it.
34:49Oh, my God.
34:49I finished your mall girl strip last night.
34:51Ava, it is so good.
34:53Oh.
34:54Yeah, I laughed.
34:55I cried.
34:55It's like, it's emotional and cinematic.
34:57It's really special, and I can't wait to send it around.
34:58Oh, my God.
34:59Amazing.
35:00I'm proud of you.
35:01Oh, coffee birthday girl.
35:03Wow, this is a really fancy tray.
35:05Had it custom made.
35:07Heaters built in, USB charging, patent pending.
35:10You're a really good assistant.
35:12You know, in Hollywood, it's not about good or bad.
35:15It's about power.
35:16Nice watch.
35:21Oh, honey, I would love to sign it, but I can't legally.
35:25Hi.
35:30They're probably just filming at the mall.
35:32Hey, my little jammies.
35:39Hi.
35:42Hello.
35:45Oh, wow, the DV Industries Swiss Army Knife.
35:48It's got it all.
35:48It's got the tweezers.
35:49It's got the brow spoolie.
35:51Come on, who could ask for more than that?
35:54Very rare item.
35:55Actually, it's widely available on the internet,
35:57which you'd know if you were still active on the DV message boards.
36:00How would you like me to know?
36:01Just your name, please.
36:07It's great to see you.
36:10Hey.
36:11How's it going?
36:12Oddly, I see.
36:14Well, I just met the actor who gave Dawson a blowjob on the boat
36:16in season three.
36:17So I'm feeling starstruck and amazing.
36:19One autograph.
36:20Hi, there.
36:21Hi.
36:22Hi.
36:22Oh, hey.
36:23Sorry, I think the line starts back there.
36:25Oh, no.
36:26I'm actually here for you.
36:27I am a huge fan.
36:29Of me?
36:31Yeah.
36:31I was obsessed with Girl Town,
36:33and you always wrote the best episodes.
36:34Oh, my God.
36:35I left college for that job.
36:37I know.
36:38And then I followed you on Twitter.
36:40Even now, I'll just randomly look up your old tweets sometimes.
36:42Oh, no.
36:43Don't do that.
36:44Anyway, then I saw my bad because I heard that you'd worked on it.
36:48Yeah.
36:49I've never even seen Deborah before.
36:51I mean, it's kind of crazy how you've changed the whole trajectory of her career.
36:55She's mad lucky to have you.
36:57I wish she said that a little louder, but thank you.
36:59Will you sign your Times Magazine cover?
37:03Yes.
37:04I've never signed anything for anyone before.
37:07Wow.
37:08This is amazing.
37:09I really now understand why parasocial relationships are replacing real ones.
37:13But seriously, thank you for all that you contribute to society.
37:18Anytime.
37:22I'll catch you around.
37:24Yeah, I'll be around all day.
37:25Cooley.
37:26Cooley.
37:28Cooley.
37:29I can't tell you.
37:30I'm sorry.
37:31It's on me.
37:33Thanks.
37:33Thanks for coming.
37:34Oh, Ezekiel.
37:36Nice to see a familiar face.
37:37What can I sign for you?
37:38I've actually signed something for you.
37:40It's my resignation letter.
37:42As president of the Debra Vance fan club Southwest Branch.
37:44Is he you?
37:45You've been a pillar of the Little Debbie community for years.
37:48I heard that Kathy Griffin is looking for an infusion into her base,
37:51so I am taking my talents elsewhere.
37:53Okay.
37:54Okay.
37:54What is going on?
37:55What is the problem?
37:56The problem is that you went Hollywood.
37:59I did not go Hollywood.
38:01Yes, you did.
38:02You haven't sent out Debra's do's and don'ts in almost two years.
38:05I don't know what to do or what not to do.
38:07Sometimes I just sit in the dark.
38:08Yeah.
38:09You discontinued your car insurance plan,
38:12and now I'm uninsured.
38:14Oh, honey, you've got to have insurance.
38:16And you discontinued the Debra Vance red light mask.
38:18I liked the burns.
38:19It eventually turned to tan.
38:21Yeah.
38:21You want to make your lizard.
38:25Get into a single file line,
38:27or you will be tased.
38:28Do not fuck with me.
38:33You should address the lizard thing
38:35without getting traction.
38:38Who's next?
38:39And you really don't mind switching with Debra?
38:40Oh, no, no, no.
38:41Not at all.
38:41That ranch you did against Lipka?
38:43Gold.
38:44Legend.
38:45That's a freaking animal.
38:46Tell me about it.
38:47Plus, she always invites me to her Fourth of July party.
38:49I never go, but the invite's always nice.
38:52Well, you're going to be on the list forever, man.
38:53We appreciate you.
38:54Never too big, Jimmy.
38:56Never too big.
38:57My man.
38:57All right.
38:59Okay, now that's a guy I could be friends with.
39:00I love him.
39:01Exactly what I'd like to hear from you, boss,
39:02because I do not want to see you fall prey to the male loneliness epidemic.
39:06No.
39:06I know.
39:07It's terrible, man.
39:07Uncle Morty shot himself in the head.
39:09It's Renee O'Connor.
39:10Of course.
39:11Who's that?
39:12From Xena Warrior Princess.
39:13The show.
39:13The show on the WB.
39:14Oh, TV show.
39:16Yeah.
39:16I haven't made it to TV yet.
39:17I'm still making it through all the movies.
39:20She's Xena.
39:20No, that's Gabrielle.
39:21That's Xena's battle partner, her confidant.
39:23She's a traveling bard.
39:24Well, you gotta go say hi.
39:25Hell no.
39:26I would be so nervous.
39:27I would faint.
39:28No, I couldn't.
39:28I mean, I've seen every episode multiple times.
39:30I even still have a recurring dream that I'm helping Xena save Prometheus so that humans
39:33don't lose their capacity for healing and fire.
39:35Jimmy, you're meeting her.
39:36You'll regret it if you don't.
39:38Come on.
39:38You think?
39:38I know so.
39:39Okay.
39:40Okay.
39:41God, I wish I had a beta blocker.
39:42All right, let's go.
39:43Woo!
39:44So, are you working on anything else other than writing for Debra?
39:47Yeah.
39:48Yeah, I actually just read a movie about a girl who lives at the mall.
39:50Oh, such a good idea.
39:52Got my tickets.
39:53I am so rosat.
39:54You're so sweet.
39:56Shit, wait.
39:57This is just occurring to me.
39:58Are you gonna have to leave Debra?
39:59No, no.
40:00I mean, especially not after what she did for me at late night.
40:03Hmm.
40:06So, what's your, like, dream?
40:09You know, I've always wanted to create my own show.
40:11Oh.
40:11I was voted most likely to showrun my high school yearbook.
40:15I mean, I did create the superlative, but still.
40:17I really hope this isn't weird that I know this, but, um, it's your birthday today, right?
40:23Yes, it is.
40:24And you're turning 30, right?
40:26Yeah.
40:27Poof.
40:27Pretty big milestone.
40:29Are you, like, freaking out about where you're at in your life?
40:32No, not, I mean, no, not really.
40:34I don't think.
40:35Should I?
40:35No.
40:36No, I'm not.
40:36Well, I'd love to get you something for your birthday, like a cupcake or...
40:41You don't have to.
40:42But if they have chocolate cake, I'd take chocolate icing.
40:45Or if they have vanilla cake, I still would want chocolate icing.
40:48But if funfetti's in the mix, of course, I'd have...
40:49They just have corn muffins.
40:50Perfect.
40:52It's your day.
40:54Why are you performing only at Madison Square Garden and not Portsmouth, New Hampshire?
40:57I mean, we are important, too.
40:58We booked a revolutionary war fleet.
41:00And we so appreciate that.
41:02You stopped doing your annual Christmas conference call.
41:05Now, how are we supposed to sync up our micro thing?
41:06You never published another book of Debokus, and the regular Sudokus are just too hard.
41:11I'm mad you left QVC, and I'm mad you didn't leave QVC earlier.
41:16Work it out.
41:17I miss Marcus.
41:18Damien never sends us locks of your hair.
41:22You didn't endorse a candidate in the presidential election, so I didn't vote.
41:26And now my kids won't talk to me.
41:28I sent you two suspicious packages and didn't even receive a cease and desist letter.
41:31You used to care.
41:33Okay, that's it.
41:33I need a break.
41:34Ten-minute break.
41:38These people are impossible to please.
41:40I mean, my fans seem to think I owe them every single moment of my life.
41:43Think of it this way.
41:44Today, you are being paid to be held out.
41:46For some people, that's a kink.
41:50Oh, yeah, this is classic Abby, yeah.
41:52Oh, she looks the exact same.
41:54Did you know it was actually the fans that saw Xena as a guest character on Hercules,
41:57and they were so enthusiastic that they actually helped get the spinoff series made?
42:01Grassroots movements are always so inspiring.
42:03That is, until they turn bloodthirsty.
42:06Next!
42:06Here we go.
42:07We paid.
42:09I'm Renee.
42:09I'm Renee.
42:10I'm your Renee.
42:10I'm Renee.
42:11You're Renee.
42:12I'm Renee.
42:12I'm Jimmy.
42:13You're Jimmy.
42:13I am so starstruck.
42:14I'm so sorry.
42:15This is weird because, um, so, okay, I'm a manager in L.A., so I never get starstruck,
42:18but I think that you were such a talent, and the series meant so much to me.
42:22I was so lucky to be a part of that world.
42:24Have you ever thought about doing a rewatch podcast?
42:26You know, they're really big right now, where you go through old episodes and discuss them.
42:28I don't think enough people want to hear me talk about that.
42:30Girl, shut up!
42:32We love the show.
42:33We watched it all.
42:34People would love that content.
42:35Like, the Hope storyline, you know?
42:36When did you realize your daughter was going to be evil?
42:38Was it from the beginning, or did it slowly dawn on you?
42:40Well, her father was a wicked demigod, so it kind of tipped it off for me.
42:43Right.
42:44Mysteriously impregnated at a demon ritual?
42:46I was like, that's going to come back.
42:47Yeah, it did.
42:47Yeah.
42:48Do you mind if we get a photo?
42:49Of course.
42:50I'm sorry.
42:51I'm sweating now.
42:54Ah, smile big!
42:56Bigger!
42:57Ah, Judy!
42:58Not that big, not that big.
42:59Split the difference.
42:59Split the difference.
43:00Yeah, you should just start over and get all new fans.
43:02I mean, there are people born every day, right?
43:04I've got to tell you, I mean, as someone who just got their first fan, you really need to cherish
43:07these things.
43:07It's been 12 minutes, and I said time.
43:09Oh!
43:10Okay, hey, just try to keep it together, right?
43:13No promises.
43:17Hello.
43:17How can I do better for you?
43:19Oh, no.
43:20I just wanted to say thank you.
43:22Oh.
43:24You're welcome.
43:25For what?
43:25Well, my mom and I have been, like, huge fans of yours ever since Live Free or Diet, and we
43:31came to Vegas, and we saw you at the Palmetto, and then we were, like, literally quoting your jokes for
43:3610 hours the entire car ride home.
43:39It was, like, it was, like, the best weekend.
43:40I'm so glad.
43:42Anyway, we made you something to say thank you.
43:48It's you, Barry, and Kara.
43:51Wow.
43:52And we made this completely out of natural seeds and grains, 29 types.
43:57Whoo!
43:57We were sorting yellow peas for an entire winter just to nail your light honey blonde.
44:03It's gotten a little warped because we made it three years ago, but you haven't been to any of these,
44:07so we couldn't get it to you.
44:08But here you go.
44:12That's beautiful.
44:14That's beautiful.
44:15Is your mom here so I can thank her?
44:18Oh, no.
44:19She passed.
44:21In May.
44:23I'm so sorry, honey.
44:26She would be so happy that I was finally able to get this to you.
44:29She really loved you.
44:42I need a minute.
44:45It's okay.
44:46Damien, it's okay.
44:51Oh.
44:52Oh.
45:03Oh, yeah.
45:04Been there.
45:05It's Carpal Tunnel.
45:06You need one of these.
45:08No.
45:09It's not that.
45:10It's...
45:11It's...
45:12It's...
45:12Ah.
45:13Fan art's so ugly, it moves you to tears.
45:16Something like that.
45:17I once had a guy paint a portrait of me using a stamp pad and his anus.
45:23It's framed in my bathroom.
45:25No, it's not that it's ugly.
45:26I mean, it is.
45:28I mean, it is.
45:29It's just that this woman and her mother spent months of their lives making this.
45:36Oh, yeah, but so what?
45:38They love doing it.
45:40They support us.
45:41We show up for them.
45:42That's the frickin' deal, Mama.
45:44Well, that's the thing.
45:46I haven't been showing up for them.
45:49And they're very mad at me for it.
45:51They'll forgive you.
45:54I don't deserve it.
45:56I just came here to exploit them because I need their help.
46:01Well, just tell them what you need.
46:04They want to feel like they're in a relationship with you and that you need them more than anyone else.
46:08And it sounds like you might.
46:11The truth will set you free, baby doll.
46:14That's all they want.
46:20That and a t-shirt that only some people are allowed to get.
46:39Little Debbies.
46:42I have news.
46:44Madison Square Garden won't give me a date because they say I'm not big enough to play it.
46:49So I came here to get you to rally for me, which is unfair because you're right.
47:00I have neglected you.
47:03And I am so sorry.
47:06Hold on.
47:07They're saying you're not big enough to play MSG.
47:09Fuck that.
47:10The Garden would be lucky to have you.
47:14Well, in time, I hope that I can regain your trust.
47:17They don't get to tell you what you can and can't do.
47:19That's our job.
47:20The greatest comedian of all time.
47:23So the Knicks can play MSG but not Deborah Vance?
47:27Misogynistic bullshit.
47:29I don't care if you are a lizard.
47:30You deserve to play MSG.
47:33As president of the Little Debbies Tucson chapter, this will not stand.
47:37Wait, sorry.
47:37Sorry.
47:39I thought you were my fan.
47:40What are you talking about?
47:41That's Cindy.
47:42She's the third generation Little Debbie.
47:43That's right.
47:44I'm here for Deborah.
47:45I just wanted to replace you and write for her, you stupid bitch.
47:49Oh, my God.
47:51So you didn't like any of my tweets?
47:53They're not jokes.
47:54They're thought poems.
47:55Okay.
47:56Deborah, who do we talk to about this?
47:59Amanda Weinberg at MSG-Entertainment.com.
48:041, Madison Square Garden Plaza, Suite 3H.
48:08Deborah, we will get you that motherfucking venue.
48:11That's a promise.
48:12You know what?
48:12If you can do that, I'm making the tickets $20 so you all can come.
48:17And you know what?
48:18I'm bringing back Deborah Plus.
48:21And you know what else?
48:22This year's Christmas theme is fuchsia and cherry, the 1997 Redux.
48:38You know, I want to thank you for your advice.
48:42I reached out to Lucy, and she loves the Xena Rewatch podcast idea.
48:46Lucy Lawless knows my idea?
48:47Yeah.
48:48Well, you know, it's really nice to talk about business with someone who is familiar with my work.
48:52I never had a rep pitch me any ideas, much less actually watch the whole show.
48:55What?
48:56People are insane.
48:57People are sick.
48:58People are sick.
48:58Sick people.
48:59Piece of shit.
49:00I'm sure your roster's crowded, but would you ever...
49:04consider representing me?
49:05Us?
49:06Yeah.
49:06Absolutely.
49:07All right.
49:08Well, then, I mean, I probably should give you 10% of what I made today.
49:12No, no, no.
49:12That's not necessary, but thank you.
49:13Are you okay with hundreds?
49:15Yes.
49:16Love that we are.
49:17We are.
49:18We can use the money.
49:20Okay, well, this was amazing.
49:21Consider yourself a client of Schaefer and Lussac.
49:23Yeah, let me put you on an email with Lucy and I next week.
49:26When you're back in LA, we'll take you to dinner.
49:27You like Greek?
49:27I love Greek.
49:29I don't need octopus, though.
49:30Anymore.
49:30They're too intelligent.
49:31That's great.
49:36Eric Estrada was amazing.
49:39Oh, my God.
49:45I'm surprised.
49:46This is crazy.
49:48We love you, girl.
49:51Happy birthday, love.
49:55Happy birthday, honey.
49:57Look who's here.
49:58Oh, wow.
49:59Hi.
50:00Hi.
50:00It's me.
50:01It's me.
50:02Hey, how are you?
50:02How's it going to be?
50:04Hi.
50:04It's so nice to see you.
50:05It's been forever.
50:07It's great graduation.
50:08How could I forget?
50:09Yeah, when Deborah called, I told her how inseparable you two were and how it would mean the world to
50:13you to be together on your 30th.
50:14So here we all are.
50:15Absolutely.
50:16Yep.
50:16Yep.
50:17How are you?
50:18Amazing.
50:19Yeah.
50:19I married Greg Holland.
50:21Remember him?
50:23Um, he ran through a glass door.
50:25His cousin drowned in the quarry.
50:26Oh, yes, Greg.
50:27He used to put girls in his hockey bag.
50:28Him.
50:29Anyway, we have four kids under six.
50:30Whoa.
50:31Yep.
50:31Whoa.
50:31Yep.
50:32All natural.
50:33Sorry for you.
50:34Anyway, needless to say, I am thrilled to be here.
50:36Yeah, I bet.
50:36I should tell you, Mr. Mercer just died.
50:38Oh, that's so sad.
50:39No, it's not.
50:40He was a pedophile.
50:41Convicted.
50:41Multiple times over.
50:43Let's party.
50:44Come on.
50:45Come on.
50:46Come on.
50:47Come on.
50:47Come on.
50:48Come on.
50:49Come on.
50:50Come on.
50:50Come on.
50:52Two of your favorite things, the entire Jack and Box menu, a cranberry kombucha, oh,
50:58yes, cupcakes from a queer bakery, and of course, oh, my God, for two cheese rolls and
51:02pappuccino pappuccino.
51:04I haven't flown in this morning.
51:05I miss these rolls.
51:11The spray cleans the screen while the brush wipes the crumbs from the keyboard.
51:16Thank you so much.
51:17Please use it.
51:18I will.
51:18Sorry.
51:19Ladies and gentlemen, we have one last surprise.
51:22Please give a warm welcome to Jesse McCartney.
51:31This one goes out to the most special girl in the world.
51:34You know who you are?
51:36It's me.
51:37Happy birthday.
51:38I heard about this in my middle school journal.
51:40It's coming true.
51:41I know.
51:42I read your journals.
51:43That's why he's here.
51:47I don't want another pretty face.
51:49I don't want just anyone to hold.
51:52I don't want my love to go to waste.
51:54I want you and your beautiful soul.
52:00Yeah.
52:02I know that you are something special.
52:07And to you, I'll be always faithful.
52:12And I want to be what you always needed.
52:18Then I hope you see the heart in me.
52:21I don't want another pretty face.
52:23I don't want just anyone to hold.
52:26I don't want my love to go to waste.
52:29I want you and your beautiful soul.
52:34Okay, I'm sleeping in late tomorrow.
52:36You can bowl your own cantaloupe.
52:38Good night.
52:39Night.
52:40Well, you know what?
52:40I'm going to say good night now, too.
52:42I have a 4.15 a.m. flight to Papayate to see my boyfriend in the senior world windsurfing competition.
52:47I'm sorry, you have a boyfriend?
52:48Well, I emailed you about him.
52:50I emailed her.
52:50No, I don't think you did.
52:52Well, I'm seeing someone, Eva.
52:54And it's become physical.
52:55The first since your father.
52:56Well, depends what you count.
52:58Oh, God.
52:59Well, I love you.
53:00Okay.
53:01Good night.
53:02Night.
53:03Bye.
53:04Awesome.
53:06Wow.
53:07Oh, my God.
53:08That was a successful party.
53:10Yeah.
53:11It's so many friends who showed up for you.
53:14And that Jenny, you know, the one who drank vodka out of one of my really nice wine glasses?
53:19Yes.
53:19Jenny Regan, the girl I only befriended so that I could play with her hermit crabs,
53:23and then she stopped being my friend when she got her period before me.
53:27Oh.
53:29Friend's a friend.
53:29Yeah.
53:30And you got a lot of them here.
53:36Deborah, did you only throw me at this party because you feel bad about what you said on
53:39the boat in Singapore?
53:41No.
53:42A party.
53:42A birthday party.
53:43Wow.
53:44Did you ever hear of one of those?
53:45Guilt looks good on you.
53:47Deborah, you don't have to feel guilty about that.
53:50You're not wrong.
53:52You are my only friend.
53:53And what hurt me was that you said it was weird, because I don't think it is.
54:00You know, I think you're the reason that I haven't been there for the Little Debbies.
54:06You know, I used to spend so much time with my fans, but it wasn't for them.
54:11It was for me.
54:13I mean, they were my friends.
54:17Because I never really had any.
54:19Yes, you did.
54:20You had friends.
54:21You've always had friends.
54:22You have tons of friends.
54:23You know, I was popular.
54:27I never had a best friend.
54:32Well, I mean, you know, my sister, you know, we know how that went.
54:37So I just relied more and more on the Little Debbies, and it was as much for me as it
54:44was
54:44for them.
54:46And then I met you.
54:50And I didn't need them so much anymore.
54:54Well, it makes sense.
54:56I'm your number one fan.
55:00Hey!
55:01Oh, oh, oh!
55:02Oh!
55:02You've got 50 minutes left on your birthday!
55:04What do you want to do?
55:06Hmm.
55:08Oh!
55:13That's a new phone background.
55:14Ooh!
55:15Someone's smoking the Cheech!
55:17Be you!
55:18You're still here!
55:19Oh, yeah.
55:20I just fucked Jesse McCutney.
55:23Yeah!
55:24You cheated on Greg?
55:25Okay, you don't know our arrangement.
55:27Wow, okay.
55:28You open?
55:28No.
55:30Hey, you mind if I rinse off in your swimming pool?
55:32I don't like a UTI.
55:33Sure.
55:34Wonderful.
55:37Wow, a lot of salt and pepper shakers.
55:38You think you got enough?
55:40Sorry about that.
55:42Oh, here.
55:42Try this.
55:45What is it?
55:46It's my pumpkin yogurt bread batter.
55:48I want to include a fat food recipe in my newsletter tomorrow.
55:51Mmm.
55:52Because my little Debbies are going to need all the energy they can get.
55:56Absolutely.
55:57I was going to say, get out of my head, because when he, when he took the old set.
56:06These remains were never recovered from that creep.
56:09All right, I'm serious.
56:10Put your shoes on, honey.
56:11This episode of Murder My Stupid Ass, please, is sponsored by Dev for MSG.
56:14Go to change.org today and add your name to the petition.
56:16Amanda.
56:18I feel so free.
56:21No.
56:22What up?
56:24Then I'm in the house.
56:25Oh, good.
56:26This is all for you.
56:27What?
56:30Oh, my God.
56:31They're from my home address.
56:32Oh, my God.
56:33No.
56:33I, I, I don't want anything to do with this.
56:35Return to sender.
56:36Except the old name.
56:38I got three other bands.
56:40I am being stuck and harassed.
56:41Return to sender.
56:42Gracias.
56:52Hello?
56:54Who's there?
56:58There she is.
57:01I'm my wife.
57:08I understand many of you have been waiting for me to speak on this.
57:11So hear me now.
57:13I am not a lizard.
57:16And I know that is something a lizard would say.
57:19However, that was really, really believable, though.
57:21Yeah?
57:21Yeah.
57:22Thanks.
57:23Perfectly.
57:23The harassment has got to stop.
57:26Still don't think it's a good idea, but I'm giving you a date at the garden.
57:30Oh, okay.
57:31Wow.
57:32That's fantastic.
57:33Yeah, great.
57:34Thanks, Amanda.
57:35We'll, we'll, we'll, we'll talk real soon.
57:39We're going to MSG.
57:40Yes!
57:42One!
57:43September 11th.
57:449-11.
57:45It was the only date available.
57:47Great!
57:48Ah!
57:48Here we go!
57:50Ow, that hurt!
57:51God, it's like high-fiving the hole!
57:53Oh, you're set!
57:55Thank you, Mom.
57:55We love you.
57:55I love you.
57:56I love you.
57:56I love you.
57:56That's my 아들.
57:56I love you.
57:56And I love you.
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