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Taskmaster - S18E03 - The Gangsters of the Sea [Full Movie] [Trending Drama]Full EP - Full
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00:16I
00:16Know you
00:30I
00:36Welcome to taskmaster the olympics for funny people and like elite athletes
00:41Archimedes have been in training for this their whole careers and similarly one slip-up could see them never compete
00:48again
00:48Lose their homes and end up singing sweet Caroline in a high street having drunk a pint of plant feed
00:54they stole from a garden center
00:56The stakes are high and the rewards are low
01:01Let's meet them now, please welcome Andy's
01:05Goldsmith
01:21Next to me a man who secretly confided in me that he doesn't think community liaison officers are real police
01:29Challenges any of them who meet him to kick him hard
01:44Okay, let's begin yes, and what a way to begin because the prize category this week is the object with
01:51the most soul
01:54Okay, I
01:55Know oh indeed as a guy in a band I get a lot of people stopping me and saying you
02:00are
02:01soul
02:02But it's not about me. It's about Greg
02:05Giving maximum points to the object with the most soul all right, Rosie. Should we start with you?
02:10No
02:13It was rhetorical
02:15It's we are starting with you
02:17All right, what I brought to make me more soulful is a saxophone
02:28Yes, it is
02:30Can I play a saxophone?
02:35No
02:36Can I carry around a saxophone?
02:43Yes
02:44Yeah
02:45No
02:45No
02:46No
02:50That is going to score badly
02:54Badly
02:56What's your favourite saxophone song?
03:01If you can give me one, then I'm Mike Zissard not putting you at the bottom
03:14Oh
03:20You bought something in that has the most soul I've brought in a Furby Oh
03:33If anybody remembers what furbies would get up to but basically they're kind of
03:40And they start off like that then as time goes on they start to learn from you and eventually they're
03:46able to say I love you
03:51Also it opens it little be it with a little tongue
03:56And you put your finger in and it's like love that. Oh la la la soul
04:00My finger in your mouth you wouldn't mind it and that's so I
04:07Like a Furby as much as the next person, okay, but you think that a plastic
04:12Fur based toy going dib-dub-dub-dub is sold
04:16I'm not gonna be able to convince you of this. I just know it to be my truth
04:25She's good she's good
04:28Yeah, what have you brought in I bought James Brown in
04:33Technically not not actually James Brown, but I have brought in an effigy of James Brown, which is all singing
04:39all dancing
04:39Um the budget on this show won't allow us to hear him singing. So if I did it without the
04:45tune. Oh, I feel good
04:52I feel good
04:52We're not allowed to say lyrics either
04:55Oh, I feel good
04:58There you go
05:00Are you ready to see the godfather of soul? I am here. Yes. Here we go
05:05He goes oh, I feel wood. Oh, I feel wood
05:18Jesus Christ this is gonna be a low-scoring right Andy. Yes, what soulful thing have you brought? I brought
05:24a shoe
05:25Ready to see
05:29Obviously a shoe has a soul, but the soles of the shoes are Dover soles
05:37There's a speaker in the lower of the two shoes it's programmed to play only
05:41Soul music the likes of James Brown and Aretha Franklin Bananarama
05:47Yeah, there's a picture of the Sun in Spain or
05:51soul
05:54I'm sorry, I'm not finished yet Greg
05:58So harnessing the power of the occult as a wizard I also
06:03Fixed into the shoes the soul of your late great great great uncle Brian
06:10Do you know what I'm taking up? I mean it says something is the best yet
06:14Who's next father? I brought in a Nigerian talking drum
06:18You see how they make this is quite mythical right what they do once they build it
06:23They put it in the streets of Lagos or whatever town in Nigeria and what it does
06:28They believe it absorbs the language of the people as they're in the streets talking
06:33So when you hit it, it sounds like the language being spoken so I tried this out tried it out
06:39I live in Stevenage and I
06:44The capital of soul yeah, I put it outside I hit it and it literally said you prick and so
06:53That's the most soulful thing in this whole line-up right now the Nigerian talking drum
07:05people
07:05I hope the rest of you are ashamed to yourself
07:09Let's go move on what is the least soulful? What do you think?
07:15Yeah, of course
07:16One point
07:17Okay, I'll give Emma two points for daring to suggest as any soul in a Furby
07:23Jack at least he chose the godfather of soul, but then he had him behead himself on television
07:31Three points on it Andy made an effort sure it's a series of awful puns around the world
07:37So we know that sure he's dressed as a wizard for no reason
07:41And he gets four points and the only person who actually bought anything of any consequence in is Baba, so
07:47he gets five these are my judgements
07:55Time shall we begin Alex? Yes, Greg commence countdown
08:17Oh
08:18Hey, Baba
08:20Emma, you all right?
08:22Let's bring back some memories. Good ones
08:28Terrifying
08:29Is that being operated manually or is it a
08:33machine?
08:34It shouldn't be happening. It's a warning system. Oh, right. Okay. It's a warning system. Yeah. Yeah, okay
08:39Not yet. Okay. No, sorry
08:43Five four three two one zero
09:04It was meant to fire off. Oh unlucky, bro
09:09Put a rocket in your pocket
09:12Fastest wins your time starts now
09:15That's not a rocket. I'm so sorry
09:17That's just a tube your time starts now. That's not a rocket unfortunately. That's just a tube
09:24I'm so sorry
09:27But what are the asterisk
09:31There's an asterisk is there?
09:33There are two
09:34What them two stars mean? Yeah, they're both asterisks. Okay
09:42Double star dot
09:45I'll just ignore that the font. Is this the rocket this red bit? No none of those bits of rockets.
09:50So where's the rocket?
09:52Yes
09:53What do you mean? Yes
09:54Where is the rocket?
09:59Yes
10:00No, no. Where?
10:03Yes
10:04APPLAUSE
10:10Baba, I might be suggesting here that you don't know what a rocket is
10:14I know what rocket is
10:16I see it like with the space people they do that. That's a rocket, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I
10:21didn't realize you had a degree
10:25Listen, Greg, we still we gotta go outside after this bro. Like I mean
10:30Oh, you're physically threatening me
10:35I can't say it's the first person who's ever offered me out for a fight
10:38In all these series and I've got to tell you Baba it was exhilarating
10:44Okay, let's crack up first to recce for rockets it is Baba
10:52Is there a rocket here that's the question? Oh
10:56Oh
10:57Listen, I got two children. Yeah, I got time for this. Where's the rocket? Where's the rocket?
11:04We're not gonna do this. We're not gonna do this
11:06Right
11:18Let's go. Look. A rocket
11:21That's not a rocket. That's like a telescope thing in a jig. Anything under here?
11:26Oh
11:26Oh, that's half a rocket
11:30What onto something?
11:33What's that? What's that?
11:36What's that?
11:38That's a full rocket
11:42I've got a rocket in my pocket. Yes, you have
11:46There was the rocket
11:48It was in the
11:50This is an orca. This is an orca's mouth
11:52It was in the orca's mouth
11:53Let's say killer world because that sounds gangster
11:56It was in the killer world's mouth
12:05The man knows exactly what a rocket is
12:07He found it quickly and he labelled the orcas the gangsters of the sea
12:14Absolute textbook
12:15I told you I know what a rocket is, but
12:17Yeah, I know. You didn't believe in me, but you've seen that
12:19I've learned that now and now I believe
12:22There's no need for it to come to blow
12:23Yeah
12:25Who is next? Next up to hunt for rockets are my two favourite condiments
12:30Zolts and pep- Zolts and Emma
12:31Zolts and Peppers, Zolts and Emma
12:35It looks like a rocket
12:36That's not a rocket
12:37No, well, it's not a rocket until it's fired
12:39It's a potential rocket
12:40Even then that is not a rocket
12:42I don't see why why can that not be a rocket
12:44It hasn't got fins
12:46I'm just thinking
12:48Have you got any fizzy drinks?
12:50Can I make fins out of that?
12:53Right, that's better
12:54Right, so did you just make yourself a rocket?
12:56I've made myself a rocket but it didn't go in my pocket
12:58Right, okay
13:03Oh, shit
13:07Right, are you saying you've made a rocket?
13:09Yeah
13:09In that case, I'm going to have to give you that
13:13If you draw, make or write your own rocket
13:16That doesn't count as an actual rocket unless you are a rocket scientist
13:19If you are not a rocket scientist, you must now put two rockets in your pockets
13:25Are you a rocket scientist? No, I'm not
13:26Right
13:27Right
13:28I did languages
13:30Two rockets
13:31Yes, please
13:31Am I allowed out of the room?
13:32Absolutely
13:33Oh, right, okay
13:34Maybe I should have thought of that before
13:37Two rockets in your pockets?
13:39One like that?
13:40No, that's not a rocket, that's a can of Coke with a sweet in
13:43Fuck's sake
13:43Oh, I'm so sorry
13:45I'm going to have to give you this
13:47If you swear at any point after drawing, making or writing your own rocket
13:51You must now put three rockets in your pockets
14:00I mean, is that a rocket?
14:02I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket though
14:04I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket though
14:09Was he on the rocket?
14:10You saying that's a rocket?
14:11No, no
14:12Oh, well, there is a rocket there
14:14Well, there you go
14:15You found a rocket?
14:16I found one...
14:17I need another rocket
14:21No, no, no, no
14:23We're going back inside
14:25Is there anything in the sharks?
14:26Not a shark
14:27There's a rocket in there
14:30Walker?
14:33I stopped the clock
14:34Right, that took a long time
14:37Have you looked in anything yet?
14:39Like, you mean in that?
14:40No
14:41Well, if you want
14:47Oh, like, in this pot
14:52Oh!
14:53It's a tiny little rocket
14:54Well, you'd better put it in your pocket then
14:56OK, now I'm on board with it
14:58Alright, fine
14:59Any other little rockets about?
15:02Oh my God, there's one in Charlotte Ritchie!
15:06Oh, yeah, there you go
15:08Time's up
15:09I've stopped the clock
15:10Oh, you did the noise for me
15:11Yeah, sorry
15:21Classic case of him moving the goalposts as the task goes on
15:24Incredibly irritating, I find it
15:25Me?
15:26Yeah
15:26Oh, sorry
15:27Well, I'm at it
15:28I also found it really irritating when you opened the plug
15:30And there was a rocket inside
15:31And you looked at the camera as if to say
15:33Yeah
15:37Andy, you were told repeatedly that the yellow tube in the lab
15:39was not a rocket
15:40Yeah
15:42Repeatedly
15:42You know, what...
15:43If you fire something upwards, you've rocketed it
15:47Have you not?
15:48I think you've rocketed it, but it doesn't become a rocket
15:50Become a rocket
15:51Yeah
15:51Your argument is if it gets fired, it's a rocket
15:53Yeah
15:53Well, you could do that to a chartered accountant
15:55Yes
15:56LAUGHTER
15:59Er...
15:59Emma
16:00Yeah
16:00Now, I'm...
16:02I'm not a capitalist
16:02Right
16:04But...
16:04Putting a sweet inside a can of Coke
16:07LAUGHTER
16:08How in any rational mind can that be justified as a rocket?
16:12Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?
16:14I mean, it was a totally stupid decision
16:16And also, it didn't even fizz
16:18It was just crap, wasn't it?
16:19LAUGHTER
16:20Well, look, Bubba took 5 minutes 52
16:22Andy, 18 minutes 10
16:24Emma, 39 minutes
16:26LAUGHTER
16:26Wow
16:27Oh, my God
16:28Get in!
16:29LAUGHTER
16:30All right, part one is over
16:31It never really loved you anyway
16:33Part one didn't even make an effort with your mum
16:35It's finished!
16:36Let it go!
16:36Make a life with part two!
16:38It's a great cook and it's a tomcat in the bedroom
16:40We'll see you in a bit
16:48APPLAUSE
16:50Hello!
16:52Welcome to the start of part two
16:54Please remind us what was happening before the break
16:56My sad little otter
16:58Well, they're all trying to find a rocket
17:01and put it in their pocket
17:02as fast as is bloody possible
17:03Finally, it's Jack and Rosie
17:07Can I go watch the board?
17:11You may
17:14I mean, it will be
17:15It's going to be staring at me, isn't it?
17:17That's the thing
17:17Mm-hmm
17:18I know what you mean
17:19It's so annoying
17:21Yeah, it is
17:21OK
17:23OK
17:24Is it rocket salad?
17:36That's what I was looking for
17:38It stinks
17:40Done
17:44I've done the clock
17:45You've got rocket in your pocket
17:48I've enjoyed that
17:50Well done, me
17:53APPLAUSE
17:55Wow!
17:56Great minds
17:57Great minds
17:59Two grown adults
18:02Genuinely thrilled that they've put salad in their pockets
18:05Oh, come on
18:06You should try it sometime, it's good
18:07Maybe you and I could hang out sometime
18:09Maybe you and I could hang out sometime
18:09Yeah, I'd like that
18:11Yeah
18:14Rosie, that well done me was genuine, wasn't it?
18:17Yeah
18:17Yeah, I...
18:18Honestly, that's the best thing I've ever done
18:25The wizard has a point
18:27Just...
18:29What was the wording of the task?
18:32It was put a rocket and then a silent salad in your pocket
18:35Right
18:35Didn't say a piece of rocket or a bunch of rocket, didn't it?
18:38A rocket
18:39Do you want me to take Rosie's point off her?
18:43Yeah
18:45Just look at Rosie...
18:46Look at Rosie when you say it
18:47Yeah, I do
18:48Yeah
18:51Yeah
18:51Does the word A mean nothing these days?
18:54You are a prick today
18:58That's perfectly fine
18:59That's what I'm not...
19:01I'm not some pricks
19:02I'm a prick
19:05APPLAUSE
19:12Do you think I should disqualify the salad?
19:15What's the timing of this?
19:16Yeah, yeah, it is
19:18You haven't yet said that
19:19All right, let's get to that first
19:21OK
19:22Well, I can tell you Rosie put rocket in her pocket in two minutes forty
19:27Yeah, let's take away the point
19:32Jack pocketed rocket in one minute fifty-nine
19:35Wow
19:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
19:40Yeah, um, everything he said, I'mma back it
19:44LAUGHTER
19:46I've got news for you. I am going to allow Rocket.
19:48And I want you to know this.
19:51I may not have allowed Rocket if it wasn't for this wizard.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:56LAUGHTER
19:58Rocket stunts.
19:59In that case, it's one point to Emma, two to Andy,
20:02three to Bubba, four to Rosie, but five to Mr Jack Dean,
20:05the clip rocket.
20:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:09Is it scoreboard time?
20:11It is Bubba with your speedy Rocket.
20:13You are in joint first place with Jack Dean on eight points.
20:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:22Please, we have another task.
20:24Oh, yes. Now, for some physical art.
20:28BUZZER
20:37BUZZER
20:39Yo! What's going on?
20:41Hello, Bubba. Man-like?
20:43You're on dry land.
20:44Dry land, yeah.
20:45Yeah, you've been at sea.
20:48No, it's a caravan, bro.
20:49It's a submaravan.
20:50LAUGHTER
20:56Do I?
20:57You do.
21:01We create a famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:12Most creative recreation wins.
21:17Do I look like I go to art exhibitions?
21:19I'll go to an art exhibition, my guy.
21:22You have 20 minutes.
21:23Your time starts now.
21:26Right.
21:28Famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:31You understand it?
21:32Of course I understand it.
21:33What's the matter with you?
21:34What do you think I'm sick?
21:35You kept saying recreation.
21:36I said recreation instead of recreation, but, you know,
21:39they are the same spelling, aren't they?
21:40LAUGHTER
21:44APPLAUSE
21:45Well, I'm just excited to see these.
21:483D art.
21:49OK.
21:49Would you like to see a montage of them arting hard?
21:51I want to see a hard art montage.
21:54OK.
21:55Here you are.
21:56Oh, my God.
22:01Noisy?
22:01It's really noisy.
22:03I hate bloody flowers.
22:05Don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
22:10It needs to go far corner.
22:12Far back as it goes, I think.
22:18Hi, Alex.
22:22Are you all right?
22:23Yeah, I'm all right.
22:25Er...
22:25Shall I shit here?
22:28It's too Dutch, you see.
22:29Oh, I see.
22:30OK.
22:32They're the Andy Warhol ones.
22:36Did he do baked bean kittens?
22:41Soup?
22:41Baked beans is a lump of soup.
22:51Does this look like a human mother?
22:55I need to get my thug pose on.
22:58Let me look like a thug.
22:58No gang affiliation over here, bruv.
23:01Apart from the church.
23:03I go to church, I gang bang for Jesus.
23:05You get me?
23:06OK.
23:08I don't know if you're celebrating a goal,
23:10but really upset.
23:11Oh, upset?
23:12Yeah.
23:15Did you do that?
23:16Yeah.
23:17Wow.
23:18Yeah, did that.
23:19I'm slipping in.
23:21Oh!
23:22That feels gross!
23:33Who of us in this room isn't blown away by how much Jack D looks like Van Gogh?
23:40He looks literally like the man came back to life.
23:44Oh, my God.
23:46Baba, did you have some sort of traumatic instance in your life with flowers?
23:49Why?
23:49You're the only person I've ever met who hates flowers.
23:51I quote,
23:52I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
23:56You know what it is?
23:57I'm traumatised by how much my wife requests flowers.
24:00Cos when I'm walking on the street, people will be like,
24:02oh, he's in the doghouse.
24:03It's like, I ain't in no damn doghouse.
24:05You know what I'm saying?
24:06How often do you buy your wife flowers?
24:09Uh-oh.
24:09Uh-oh.
24:12Not including the ones you take off lampposts.
24:20Emma?
24:21I'm already quite impressed, cos I already know what your painting is.
24:24Really?
24:25It's Clint, right?
24:26Yeah.
24:26Mm-hm.
24:27Well, look, I'm going to show you Emma's 3D version of the well-known painting.
24:31Let's see it in all its glory.
24:32Here we go.
24:33MUSIC PLAYS
24:43Ah, that's good.
24:44Ah, that's good.
24:45Well done.
24:46That was quite a good one.
24:50I mean, so rarely on this show that I just have to just say,
24:55oh, that's good.
24:55Yeah.
24:56It was good.
24:57The original sparked a sexual revolution.
24:59Do you think hers will?
25:01Ah.
25:02I can't feel anything.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:06Really good, Emma.
25:08OK, well, shall we see another?
25:09Yes.
25:09Well, as you might have worked out, Andy Zaltzman took on the almighty
25:12Guernica by Pablo Picasso.
25:14Wow!
25:15So, first of all, we're going to look at the original.
25:18Now, Picasso obviously made the incredibly moving and powerful
25:21anti-war painting to help raise awareness and raise money during
25:24the Spanish Civil War.
25:25It's harrowing.
25:25And here's Andy Zaltzman's 3D recreation.
25:30LAUGHTER
25:38APPLAUSE
25:44I mean, we have to reward ambition.
25:48It's incredibly ambitious.
25:50I mean, I just feel, amongst the many things this show doesn't address,
25:54the pity of war is right up there.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:58Cow's the wrong way round.
26:01LAUGHTER
26:04Sorry, Emma, have you...
26:05You've spotted an inaccuracy in this painting?
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10Well done, wizard.
26:11OK, well, next up, with his 3D nod to self-portrait with bandaged ear.
26:15Right, well, we already know this looks exactly like it.
26:17So we've got his face in the room.
26:19Yep, it's Vincent Jack Goff.
26:20Here we go.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:26LAUGHTER
26:37Who would have thought that anyone could look more haunted than Vincent van Gogh?
26:45LAUGHTER
26:47Van Gogh looks like it's his birthday by comparison.
26:51LAUGHTER
26:52Another one.
26:53Really good.
26:54This is the worst episode of Taskmaster ever.
26:57OK, time for another break and probably some more adverts for holidays in the sun.
27:01Cost of living crisis?
27:03Yeah.
27:04More like Costa del Sol living la vida loca crisis.
27:07Let's whack it over to the credit cards.
27:10Wayne Lineker, call me YOLO!
27:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:24Hello again.
27:25Here we are.
27:27It's part three and some classic artworks are being brought to life
27:30in a three-dimensional way.
27:32Cool.
27:33Yeah, I love 3D.
27:34But I also like Harry Styles' solo stuff.
27:37LAUGHTER
27:38Next up, there's the artist currently known as Rosie Jones.
27:42Blumer!
27:45Andy Warhol.
27:47Plum.
27:49Campbell suits.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:55APPLAUSE
28:05I get it.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:09It's really good.
28:10Yeah, it's good.
28:11Everyone liked it.
28:12Do you like it?
28:14Not that much.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:17One left, Greg.
28:18Yes, one left.
28:19And this man doesn't go to art galleries.
28:21He hates flowers.
28:22It's Bubba's turn.
28:24BUMP
28:25BUMP
28:26BUMP
28:27BUMP
28:28BUMP
28:29BUMP
28:29BUMP
28:30BUMP
28:30It is good.
28:33APPLAUSE
28:43Oh, sorry.
28:44Sorry about that.
28:45You like that, Greg?
28:50Well, yes.
28:51Yes.
28:51Of course I do.
28:52Yes, you do.
28:53You see the angle?
28:54You know what I'm saying?
28:54This is what I'm trying to say.
28:55I keep telling people I'm amazing.
28:58LAUGHTER
29:01Well, look, Greg, here are all five of the excellent 3D picks.
29:05Well, I'm going to have to give everyone a really high score,
29:07aren't I?
29:07And then we'll just have to hope they fuck up the next task.
29:10LAUGHTER
29:10So I'll give everyone five points.
29:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:18OK.
29:19What's next, please, little Alex Hall?
29:21OK, well, Greg, we're off to the pub.
29:23Ooh.
29:36In you go.
29:39Oh, hello!
29:43Lovely!
29:44Oh, we have company.
29:45Where's Alex?
29:47Who cares?
29:49Oh, lovely.
29:52Do you want to...? Yes, please.
29:53Oh, thank you so much.
29:54Would you like to...?
29:55Yeah, sure.
29:56Good.
29:58Win the pub quiz by cheating.
30:01The team that wins by cheating in at least five different ways wins.
30:06If the quiz master notices you cheating, you will lose a point
30:10and you must use a different method of cheating.
30:13This quiz will start in five minutes.
30:15Your time starts now.
30:17OK, so we need ways of cheating.
30:19Mobile phone.
30:20Oh, my God.
30:23Hiya.
30:24Here he is.
30:26Hi, guys.
30:26Are you doing a pub quiz tonight?
30:28Great.
30:31I'll come and get your team name soon.
30:32Have I got time to go to the toilet?
30:37Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes.
30:39Good thinking.
30:40Yeah.
30:40There's your answer sheet.
30:41You all right?
30:42D.
30:43OK.
30:43Here's your answer sheet for the first two rounds.
30:46OK.
30:46Enjoy.
30:47Anyone need anything?
30:48Good luck.
30:48Enjoy.
30:49Yes.
30:51What did you get?
30:53I got that pub.
30:55What do you think?
30:57And take a piece of beer.
30:59How do you intend to use that without being noticed?
31:02That's the next challenge.
31:05Oh, come on, you.
31:07Keep, keep.
31:08Yeah, it might do.
31:10Oh, what's up?
31:11One of you look after you.
31:12It's a little book of...
31:12That's Sue Perkins' number.
31:15Do you have your phone?
31:15Yeah.
31:16Save that now.
31:18872.
31:19Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys.
31:20Cheers, mate.
31:21OK.
31:22Team name, please?
31:23GK Peaky People.
31:25We're Team Honesty.
31:26Team Honesty.
31:27That's funny.
31:28And have you got a team name?
31:30Cheetahs, but like they're animals.
31:33Cheetahs?
31:33Just Cheetahs with a Z.
31:35T-H-E-T-A-H-Z.
31:40Cheetahs.
31:41OK, right.
31:42I'm just going to get my microphone and then we'll be off.
31:43Yeah.
31:44Yeah.
31:44I've got something a little bit provocative to say.
31:47Are you both married?
31:49Mm-hmm.
31:50I'm also married.
31:52Mm-hmm.
31:52I was thinking, like, maybe just kiss and cheat.
31:54Right.
31:55Like a handshake or anything?
31:56I don't know if it's that kind of cheating.
31:58Check that.
32:04I can remember what's in there.
32:06OK.
32:07All right, I remember.
32:09Um, what's in your right hand?
32:11Nothing.
32:13You need to form the floor there.
32:15I will put the books in my area.
32:17Can I have the guide to the Beavers, please?
32:19And also AirPods out.
32:20You're so strict.
32:22Yes.
32:23Sorry about that, bro.
32:25Excuse me.
32:27Hello?
32:28Pretty much back to square one.
32:29Hello?
32:30Everyone here?
32:36Are you pub quizzers before we start?
32:38No.
32:39It's a waste of pub time.
32:42Every Monday.
32:43Thank you, Emma.
32:44Do you really, Emma?
32:45Yeah, genuinely.
32:47Q, what's your tinkle?
32:48Um, no arguments.
32:52Because we have a problem with arguing.
32:54So one day we realise, oh, if we called no arguments,
32:57maybe we'll stop.
32:59Oh.
32:59Quite...
32:59So now we just argue on the way home.
33:02It's me and my husband.
33:06All right, then.
33:06You want to see the quiz?
33:07I want to see the quiz.
33:08OK, pens down, heads up or something.
33:11It's time to quiz!
33:13Welcome to the ship.
33:14Welcome to the pub quiz.
33:16OK, question one.
33:17What is the largest species of rodent?
33:20What is the largest species of rodent?
33:23Not that.
33:24It's got a mouse.
33:26In what year was Mary Queen of Scots executed by her cousin?
33:30Elizabeth first, of course.
33:33In what year...
33:34I'm just going to faint choking.
33:36I got cramp.
33:39Oh!
33:39Oh, just move around the room a bit.
33:41Oh, my God!
33:43Yeah.
33:44Oh, man.
33:46It's quite early in the quiz to get cramp.
33:48Oh, yes.
33:49Right.
33:49She just needs to be...
33:51Yeah.
33:52Yeah, yeah.
33:53Yeah.
33:54Wait.
33:55Oh!
33:57There's a hat there, though.
34:00Me!
34:02Me!
34:03Me!
34:04Me!
34:04Yeah.
34:05I'm feeling better now.
34:07Right.
34:07We do need to carry on with the quiz.
34:10Question three.
34:11What is the boiling point of mercury?
34:14It's 500.
34:15Yeah.
34:15Do you think it's that?
34:16Yeah.
34:17Mercury.
34:18How are you getting on?
34:19What do the following states have in common?
34:22Oh!
34:23Oh!
34:24Oh!
34:25Come down!
34:26Come down and help!
34:27What do you...
34:28Come down and help, mate!
34:29That's not really how it works, then.
34:31You don't come down and help.
34:31What's wrong?
34:33Basically...
34:33Yeah.
34:33I feel so sick.
34:35OK.
34:36I feel really nauseous.
34:37Do you want a blanket?
34:38Yeah.
34:39I was going to get her a blanket, apparently.
34:40OK, yeah, please.
34:42Right.
34:45OK.
34:46Phone's away, please.
34:47Oh, Charlie.
34:48It was my morton.
34:51I see what you're doing there.
34:52Round two.
34:54Sport!
34:55If I potted a red, then a black, then a red, then a black, then a red, then a pink,
35:03then a red, then a yellow, then a red, then a black, then a red, then a brown, then a
35:06red, then a green, then all the colours, what would my break be worth?
35:09Yeah.
35:09I'll be honest with you, I think this is when we do a quick, erm, romantic cheat.
35:15So, can I just give you a quick...
35:17There we go.
35:19Let's never speak of it again.
35:25What is Sue Perkins' favourite sport?
35:28Oh!
35:28What is Sue...
35:29I need a sick bucket!
35:30Now!
35:31A big bucket.
35:33Yeah.
35:35Cool, Sue Perkins.
35:36Hi, it's Sue here.
35:38Sorry I can't take your call.
35:39Come on, Sue!
35:40What?
35:41Hockey.
35:42Hockey.
35:43Hockey.
35:43Hockey.
35:44Hockey.
35:45Hockey.
35:46Hockey.
35:47Hockey.
35:48Hockey.
35:52Hello, everyone.
35:53Okay.
35:53Hi, yeah!
35:54The answers.
35:55Have you all swapped sheets?
35:56Er, no, sorry, we've just got them all mixed up.
35:58Quick as you can, please.
36:00Let's swap with them.
36:02As long as you don't have your own.
36:04As long as we don't have our own sheets.
36:06Good try, though.
36:07The biggest rodent was, of course, please sit down.
36:11Kapubara, 1587.
36:12356 points, that would be a break of 70 points.
36:15Sue Perkins' favourite sport was, and still is, football.
36:19It's hockey.
36:21It's not, it's football.
36:22Sorry, I have to be very passionate about this.
36:25Yeah.
36:26Sue Perkins is my best friend.
36:29It's hockey.
36:30Well, I've got a hand before we give her a call in the break.
36:32Give her a call.
36:32I'm sorry, I don't want to be afraid about this.
36:34Can we call her now?
36:34Give her a call now.
36:36Yeah, please, let's call her now.
36:37One speaker, let's hear it.
36:38Hi, it's Sue here.
36:40Sorry, I can't take your call, but I'm at the underwater hockey.
36:45Which is a shame, because I actually really love football.
36:52Underwater football.
36:53Have you just caught up the scores?
36:56The sporty foodie flag, guys.
36:59Yep.
36:59Zero in round one.
37:01Right.
37:02And then three in round two.
37:06Three, really?
37:08Didn't quite get there.
37:10And round two.
37:12Well, we got three.
37:13We thought we had got more.
37:15Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it?
37:16Yeah, that is.
37:17Well, misspelling apparently.
37:18It's misspelling.
37:19Well, they've misspelt the word misspelling.
37:21Well done, guys.
37:22All right, round three will start in one minute.
37:26APPLAUSE
37:31I mean, some of the most ludicrous overacting.
37:34I mean, Jones went down within seconds.
37:38And then, Emma, I presume a trained actress when you had your multiple physical collapses.
37:43I never trained, darling.
37:45I never trained.
37:46Oh, it doesn't show much.
37:49Do you know what I mean?
37:50Mama was the only one, wasn't he?
37:51He wasn't overacting.
37:53Yes.
37:53But there's more to come, right?
37:55We're only halfway through.
37:56They've both pretty much neck and neck.
37:57I've caught them a few times, but there is a second half to come.
37:59That's the end of part three.
38:00Come back for part four and see someone take home some soulful prizes.
38:04It'll be like watching your kid in a school play.
38:07Except shorter and fun, and you won't have to stave off boredom
38:10by imagining having an affair with a teacher.
38:13Just me?
38:15APPLAUSE
38:26Hello!
38:27Welcome back to the final part of the show,
38:30where a pub quiz is taking place in the ship.
38:32On with the second half of the quiz,
38:33where the two teams have to win by cheating at least five times
38:37without being caught by old eagle-eyes Horne,
38:39the handsome quiz master.
38:40Here's how they get on.
38:43Round three, picture round.
38:45Question one.
38:45What is Alex Horne holding?
38:48Phones away, please.
38:50What country's flag has a green triangle on the left?
38:53I do have a cramp again.
38:57Please sit down.
38:58Don't be a bore, bro.
38:59Come on, ma'am.
39:00Question three.
39:01Please sit down.
39:02Alex, I've got a delivery.
39:03A delivery?
39:05Just checking if the guy's at the front door.
39:07Yeah.
39:07This is a pub.
39:08Right.
39:09Yeah!
39:10Yeah!
39:11You're right.
39:16I don't think anyone saw that.
39:18Oh!
39:20Oh!
39:22Oh, God!
39:24There's no one there.
39:25What animal features on Albania's flag?
39:29Right, we'll be back in two minutes with the answers.
39:33What?
39:39What?
39:40What?
39:41What are you going on?
39:42We are...
39:46Yo!
39:47Yo!
39:48Yo!
39:49Yo!
39:49Yo!
39:55Yo!
40:02Yo!
40:04Yo!
40:05The answers.
40:06And please swap papers.
40:08Round three.
40:09Picture round.
40:09OK, what was I holding?
40:10What was redacted there?
40:13A colander!
40:15How did you know that?
40:16It might be a colander!
40:18It's just the expression.
40:19A colander!
40:20And it was a colander?
40:21Yeah.
40:21I love quizzes.
40:24Mmm.
40:25Thanks for coming, everyone.
40:26That is closing time now, so...
40:28Woo!
40:29Please get out.
40:30Bye-bye.
40:31Cheers, guys.
40:37First of all, I will tell you the scores in the quiz.
40:41Andy, Emma and Bubba got 22 out of 30.
40:43Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.
40:45Oh, God!
40:46But we subtract points from the amount of times I caught them cheating.
40:49I caught the team of three six times.
40:51I caught the team of two nine times,
40:54which means the team of three win the quiz!
40:56Wow!
40:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:03It was close, so I don't know how you want to distribute points.
41:05Five and four?
41:06There we go.
41:07So four is the team of two, five is the team of three!
41:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:14We can have a first look at the series scores if you want, Greg.
41:18Ooh, yes, please.
41:19Well, it's sort of going like this.
41:20We've got Andy on 37.
41:22Bubba on 40.
41:23Emma on 42.
41:24Then we jump to Rosie on 46.
41:26Jack's on 53 at the moment.
41:28Woo!
41:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:31OK, it's that time again.
41:34Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
41:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:46What is going on?
41:49We've found their doppelgangers!
41:52LAUGHTER
41:55It's uncanny!
41:57Can you just read the task, Alex?
41:59I'd like Jack D to read the task, please, Greg.
42:01Oh, Jack, would you read it?
42:02Yeah, OK.
42:03LAUGHTER
42:04Russell Russell, Phil Phil, Mark Mark, Rob Rob and Pat Pat.
42:09When Alex blows his whistle, you must all immediately either say one word to the person next to you or
42:15perform one action.
42:17The people may only say yes or no.
42:20If you perform the wrong action, you are disqualified.
42:23You will then meet a new person.
42:25First person to perform all the right actions to all the right people wins.
42:30Yes, so you're sitting next to somebody who's either called Mark, Pat, Russell, Rob or Phil.
42:35So, if you think they're called Mark, you put a mark on their clipboard.
42:38If you think they're called Pat, you pat them on the head.
42:40If you think they're called Russell, you Russell them.
42:42You know what I mean?
42:44If you think they're called Rob, you steal one of their pencils.
42:46If you think they're called Phil, you put your stuffing down their top.
42:50If you find out that you're sat next to, for example, Mark,
42:53you have to wait till the next time you meet Mark to mark Mark.
42:57If you correctly Phil Phil or mark Mark or Rob Rob or Russell Russell,
43:00you will get a little sticker on your arm.
43:02The first person to get all five of them wins five points.
43:05No one gets any other points.
43:07If you do the action wrong, you're out of the game.
43:10OK, once we get going, it's less complicated.
43:14Let's go.
43:15Rob.
43:16No.
43:16Phil.
43:17No.
43:19Mark.
43:19No.
43:20Pat.
43:21No.
43:22Move!
43:23We're off.
43:24Phil.
43:25No.
43:26Roll.
43:26Yes.
43:27Move!
43:28If you think you've got it right, you have to remember till next time.
43:31Mark.
43:32Yes.
43:32Pat.
43:33Yes.
43:35Not yet!
43:36Sit down!
43:37Please sit down.
43:39Move!
43:41Now move!
43:44It's not very often you'll see Alex genuinely annoyed, ladies.
43:48So, here we go.
43:49Wait, wait, what are they named again?
43:53It's worth trying to remember them.
43:54It's Mark, Pack, Russell, Robin, Phil.
44:00Move!
44:01Move!
44:07There has been a successful action.
44:09Move!
44:13Yes.
44:15Move!
44:20Move!
44:20We have a disqualification.
44:21Bubba has got this person wrong.
44:23You must stand behind your chair.
44:24He is disqualified.
44:25Oh, Bubba.
44:25At this rate, I don't care.
44:27Right.
44:29Move!
44:30Okay.
44:30Oh, shit!
44:36That's definitely not his name.
44:41Okay.
44:41We've got some more action.
44:42This is good.
44:43Move.
44:48We have more action.
44:50Move, please.
44:50Move.
44:53We have action.
44:54Move, please.
44:55Move, please.
44:55Move, there.
44:55The sticker.
44:56Please move.
45:02We have a disqualification.
45:03Jack D is gone.
45:04Jack's gone.
45:05Only three left in the game.
45:07Right, you're gonna kill me!
45:15Mark, Phil.
45:17Yes!
45:19Go!
45:20Okay.
45:22And just so you know, thank you, Emma.
45:24Emma has one sticker.
45:25The wizard has one sticker.
45:26Rosie has one sticker.
45:27She's got two stickers.
45:29She's got two!
45:30I know!
45:31She's playing you, Emma.
45:32She knows exactly what she's doing.
45:35Here we go.
45:37Move, move, move.
45:40Some action going on.
45:43The wizard has another sticker.
45:45And move.
45:47We have more action here.
45:49The wizard has three stickers.
45:54Oh, stickers!
45:59We could be approaching the endgame.
46:04We are faster!
46:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:09We will add those scores to the final score.
46:12Come down and join me!
46:20What.
46:21A.
46:21Rush.
46:22Mmm.
46:23All right, well.
46:24As you saw, there was only five points to one person there,
46:27and that person was Mr Andy Zaltzman.
46:28The wizard had his revenge.
46:32It means the final table today looks like this.
46:36He's only gone and done it.
46:38The winner with 21 points is Andy Zaltzman!
46:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:44Andy Zaltzman wins.
46:45Please go up and celebrate with your soulful prizes!
46:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:09Know.
47:10O'clock.
47:19I've already started off by 10.
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