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Taskmaster - S18E03 - The Gangsters of the Sea [Full Movie] [Official Release]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:16I
00:16Know you
00:30I
00:36Welcome to taskmaster the olympics for funny people and like elite athletes
00:41Archimedes have been in training for this their whole careers and similarly one slip-up could see them never compete
00:48again
00:48Lose their homes and end up singing sweet Caroline in a high street having drunk a pint of plant feed
00:54they stole from a garden center
00:56The stakes are high and the rewards are low
01:01Let's meet them now, please welcome Andy's
01:05Goldsmith
01:21Next to me a man who secretly confided in me that he doesn't think community liaison officers are real police
01:29Challenges any of them who meet him to kick him hard
01:44Okay, let's begin yes, and what a way to begin because the prize category this week is the object with
01:51the most soul
01:54Okay, I
01:55Know oh indeed as a guy in a band I get a lot of people stopping me and saying you
02:00are
02:01soul
02:02But it's not about me. It's about Greg
02:05Giving maximum points to the object with the most soul all right, Rosie. Should we start with you?
02:10No
02:13It was rhetorical
02:15It's we are starting with you
02:17All right, what I brought to make me more soulful is a saxophone
02:28Yes, it is
02:30Can I play a saxophone?
02:35No
02:36Can I carry around a saxophone?
02:43Yes
02:44Yeah
02:45No
02:45No
02:46No
02:47No
02:49That is going to score badly
02:54No
02:56No
02:57No
02:57No
02:58No
02:58No
02:58No
02:58No
02:58No
02:58No
02:59No
02:59No
03:06No
03:07No
03:08I thought right there is Led Simpsons.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:14Oh, that's good.
03:17That's good.
03:19Emma, have you brought something in that has the most soul?
03:23I've brought in a Furby.
03:25Oh.
03:26Someone's back in the day.
03:29Here's Emma's soulful Furby.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33I don't know if anybody remembers what Furbies would get up to,
03:37but basically they're kind of...
03:40..and they start off like that.
03:42Then, as time goes on, they start to learn from you
03:45and eventually they're able to say, I love you.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:51Also, it opens a little beat with a little tongue.
03:54La-la-la.
03:55LAUGHTER
03:55And you put your finger in and it's like, love that.
03:58Oh, la-la-la, soul.
04:00If I put my finger in your mouth, you wouldn't mind it,
04:04and that's soul.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:07I like a Furby as much as the next person.
04:09OK.
04:10But...
04:10You think that a plastic fur-based toy going dib-dub-dub-dub is sold.
04:16LAUGHTER
04:16I'm not going to be able to convince you of this.
04:19I just know it to be my truth.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25She's good. She is good.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:27LAUGHTER
04:28Yeah.
04:28What have you brought in?
04:30I brought James Brown in.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33Technically, not actually James Brown,
04:35but I have brought in an effigy of James Brown,
04:38which is all singing, all dancing.
04:41The budget on this show won't allow us to hear him singing.
04:44So if I did it without the tune,
04:46Oh, I feel good.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:50So...
04:51LAUGHTER
04:51We're not allowed to say lyrics either.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:55All right.
04:56Oh, I feel wood.
04:58LAUGHTER
04:58There you go.
05:00Are you ready to see the Godfather of Soul?
05:02I am.
05:03Here he is.
05:04Here we go.
05:05He goes,
05:06Ooh, I feel wood.
05:08Ooh, I feel wood.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:17Jesus Christ.
05:19This is going to be a low-scoring round.
05:22LAUGHTER
05:22Yes?
05:23What soulful thing have you brought in?
05:24I brought a shoe.
05:25Ready to see it?
05:27LAUGHTER
05:29Obviously a shoe has a sole,
05:31but the soles of the shoes are Dover soles.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:36There's a...
05:36There's a speaker in the lower of the two shoes.
05:40It's programmed to play only soul music,
05:42the likes of James Brown, Aretha Franklin, Bananarama...
05:46We'll imagine.
05:47We'll imagine it.
05:48Yeah.
05:48There's a picture of the sun in Spain,
05:51or...
05:51soul,
05:53as it's also named...
05:54I'm sorry, did...
05:55I've not finished yet, Greg.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:57Also,
05:58harnessing the power of the occult,
06:00as a wizard,
06:01I also
06:03fixed into the shoes
06:04the soul
06:05of your late,
06:06great-great-great-uncle, Brian.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:10Do you know what, Andy?
06:11Yep.
06:11I mean, it says something,
06:12it's the best yet.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:14Who's next, Bubba?
06:15I brought in a Nigerian talking drum.
06:19You see, how they make this is quite mythical, right?
06:21What they do, once they build it,
06:23they put it in the streets of Lagos,
06:25or whatever town in Nigeria,
06:27and what it does,
06:28they believe it absorbs the language of the people
06:31as they're in the streets, talking.
06:33So, when you hit it,
06:35it sounds like the language being spoken.
06:38So, I tried this out, tried it out.
06:39I live in Stevenage, and I...
06:42LAUGHTER
06:44That's the capital of soul.
06:46Yeah.
06:47I put it outside, I hit it,
06:49and it literally said,
06:50you prick.
06:51And so...
06:53LAUGHTER
06:53That's the most soulful thing
06:56in this whole line-up right now.
06:58The Nigerian talking drum, people.
06:59Thank you very much.
07:00APPLAUSE
07:05I hope the rest of you are ashamed of yourself.
07:08LAUGHTER
07:08Right, let's score it and move on.
07:10OK.
07:10What is the least soulful thing?
07:12What do you think?
07:13LAUGHTER
07:13I think...
07:14The saxophone there.
07:15Yeah, of course.
07:16One point.
07:17OK, I'll give Emma two points
07:19for daring to suggest there's any soul in a Furby.
07:23Jack, at least he chose the godfather of soul.
07:26But then, he had him behead himself on television.
07:29So, he could only have three points.
07:32Got it.
07:32Andy made an effort.
07:34Sure, it's a series of awful puns around the world.
07:37Soul, we know that.
07:39Sure, he's dressed as a wizard.
07:40For no reason.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42And he gets four points.
07:43And the only person who actually brought anything
07:45of any consequence in is Baba.
07:47So, he gets five.
07:48These are my judgements.
07:50APPLAUSE
07:54OK, task time.
07:55Shall we begin, Alex?
07:56Yes, Greg.
07:58Commence...
07:59Countdown.
07:59MUSIC PLAYS
08:16Oh.
08:18Hey.
08:18Baba.
08:20Emma.
08:20You all right?
08:22Let's bring back some memories.
08:24Good ones?
08:25Done.
08:28Terrifying.
08:29Is that being operated manually, or is it a machine?
08:34It shouldn't be happening, actually.
08:35It's a warning system.
08:36Oh, right, OK.
08:37It's a warning system.
08:38Yeah.
08:39Yeah.
08:39OK.
08:39Not yet.
08:40OK, no, sorry.
08:435...
08:454...
08:463...
08:472...
08:491...
08:500.
08:52LAUGHTER
09:04Oh, cheers, bro.
09:05It was meant to fire off.
09:06Oh, unlucky, bro.
09:08Mm.
09:09Put a rocket in your pocket.
09:12Fastest wins.
09:13Your time starts now.
09:15That's not a rocket, I'm so sorry.
09:17That's not a rocket, I'm so sorry.
09:18That's just a tube.
09:19Your time starts now.
09:21That's not a rocket, unfortunately.
09:22That's just a tube.
09:24Oh.
09:24I'm so sorry.
09:27But what are the asterisks?
09:31There's an asterisk, is there?
09:33There are two.
09:34Two.
09:35What them two stars mean?
09:36Yeah, they're both asterisks.
09:37OK.
09:42Double star.
09:43Dot.
09:45Oh, I'll just ignore that.
09:46The font.
09:47Is this the rocket, this red bit?
09:48No.
09:48None of those bits are rockets.
09:50So where's the rocket?
09:51Yes.
09:53What do you mean, yes?
09:55Where is the rocket?
09:59Yes.
10:00No, no.
10:01Where?
10:11I might be suggesting here that you don't know what a rocket is.
10:14I know what a rocket is.
10:16I see, like, the space people, they do that.
10:19That's a rocket, right?
10:20Yeah, yeah.
10:20Oh, yeah, exactly.
10:21Sorry, I didn't realise you had a degree.
10:25Listen, Greg, we still, we've got to go outside after this, bro.
10:29Like, you know what I mean?
10:30Oh, you're physically threatening me.
10:36I've got to say, it's the first person who's ever offered me out for a fight.
10:39In all these series.
10:41And I've got to tell you, Baba, it was exhilarating.
10:44Woo!
10:48OK, let's crack on.
10:49First to recce for rockets, it is Baba.
10:53Is there a rocket here?
10:54That's the question.
10:55Ooh!
10:57Listen, I've got two children, yeah?
10:59I've got time for this.
11:01Where's the rocket?
11:02Where's the rocket?
11:04We're not going to do this.
11:06We're not going to do this.
11:06Right.
11:18Let's go.
11:19Look.
11:19One rocket.
11:21That's not a rocket.
11:22That's like a telescope, thinking of a jig.
11:24Anything under here?
11:26Oh!
11:26Oh!
11:27Oh!
11:27Oh!
11:28Oh!
11:29That's half a rocket.
11:30We're on to something.
11:33What's that?
11:34What's that?
11:36What's that?
11:38That's a full rocket.
11:42I've got a rocket in my pocket.
11:43Yes, you have.
11:44Blah!
11:46That was the rocket?
11:48It was in the...
11:50This is an orca.
11:51This is an orca's mouth.
11:52It was in the orca's mouth.
11:53Let's say killer world, because that sounds gangster.
11:56It was in the killer world's mouth.
12:01APPLAUSE
12:05The man knows exactly what a rocket is.
12:07He found it quickly, and he labelled the orcas the gangsters of the sea.
12:14Absolute textbook.
12:15I told you I know what a rocket is, but...
12:17Yeah, I know.
12:18You didn't believe in me, but you've seen us.
12:20I've learned that now, and now I believe there's no need for it to come to blow.
12:23Yeah.
12:25Good.
12:25Who is next?
12:26Next up to hunt for rockets are my two favourite condiments.
12:30Zolts and Pe...
12:30Zolts and Emma.
12:31Zolts and Peppers.
12:32Zolts and Emma.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35It looks like a rocket.
12:36That's not a rocket.
12:37No.
12:38Well, it's not a rocket until it's fired.
12:39It's a potential rocket.
12:40Even then, that is not a rocket.
12:42I don't see why.
12:43Why can that not be a rocket?
12:44It hasn't got fins.
12:46I'm just thinking...
12:48Have you got any fizzy drinks?
12:50Can I make fins out of that?
12:53Right, that's better.
12:54Right, so did you just make yourself a rocket?
12:56I've made myself a rocket, but it didn't go in my pocket.
12:58Right, OK.
13:03Oh, shit.
13:07Right.
13:08Are you saying you've made a rocket?
13:09Yeah.
13:10In that case, I'm going to have to give you that.
13:13If you draw, make or write your own rocket,
13:16that doesn't count as an actual rocket,
13:17unless you are a rocket scientist.
13:19If you are not a rocket scientist,
13:21you must now put two rockets in your pockets.
13:25Are you a rocket scientist?
13:26No, I'm not.
13:26Right.
13:28I did languages.
13:30Took two rockets.
13:31Yes, please.
13:31Am I allowed out of the room?
13:32Absolutely.
13:33Oh, right, OK.
13:34Maybe I should have thought of that before.
13:37Two rockets in your pockets.
13:39One like that?
13:40No, that's not a rocket.
13:41That's a can of Coke with a sweet in.
13:43Fuck's sake.
13:44Oh, I'm so sorry.
13:45I'm going to have to give you this.
13:48If you swear at any point
13:49after drawing, making or writing your own rocket,
13:51you must now put three rockets in your pockets.
14:00I mean, is that a rocket?
14:02I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket, though.
14:09Was it on the rocket?
14:10You're saying that's a rocket?
14:11No, no.
14:12Oh, well, there is a rocket there.
14:14Well, there you go.
14:16You found a rocket?
14:16I found one.
14:17I need another rocket.
14:21Nope, nope, nope, nope.
14:23We're going back inside.
14:25Is there anything in the sharks?
14:26Not a shark.
14:27There's a rocket in there.
14:30OK.
14:33I've stopped the clock.
14:34Right, that took a long time.
14:37Have you looked in anything yet?
14:39Like, you mean in that?
14:40No.
14:41Well, if you want.
14:48Oh, like, in this pot.
14:52Oh!
14:53It's a tiny little rocket.
14:55Well, you'd better put it in your pocket, then.
14:56OK, now I'm on board with it.
14:58All right, fine.
15:00Any other little rockets about?
15:02Oh, my God, there's one in Charlotte Ritchie!
15:06Oh, yeah, there you go.
15:08Time's up!
15:09I've stopped the clock.
15:10Oh, you did the noise for me.
15:11Yeah, sorry.
15:12Well, well.
15:21Classic case of him moving the goalpost as the task goes on.
15:24Incredibly irritating, I find it.
15:25Me?
15:26Yeah.
15:26Oh, sorry.
15:27Well, I'm at it.
15:28I also found it really irritating when you opened the plug
15:30and there was a rocket inside and you looked at the camera as if to say...
15:35Yeah.
15:37Andy, you were told repeatedly that a yellow tube in the lab was not a rocket.
15:40Yeah.
15:42Repeatedly.
15:42You know, what...
15:43If you fire something upwards, you've rocketed it.
15:47Have you not?
15:48I think you've rocketed it, but it doesn't become a rocket, does it?
15:51Become a rocket.
15:51Your argument is if it gets fired, it's a rocket.
15:53Yeah.
15:53Well, you could do that to a chartered accountant.
15:55Yes.
15:58Er, Emma.
16:00Yeah.
16:00Now, I'm...
16:01I'm no rocket scientist.
16:02Fine.
16:03But putting a sweet inside a can of Coke...
16:07LAUGHTER
16:08How in any rational mind can that be justified as a rocket?
16:12Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?
16:14I mean, it was a totally stupid decision and also it didn't even fizz.
16:18It was just crap, wasn't it?
16:20LAUGHTER
16:20Well, look, Bubba took 5 minutes 52.
16:22Andy, 18 minutes 10.
16:24Emma, 39 minutes.
16:26LAUGHTER
16:27Wow.
16:27Oh, my God.
16:28Get in!
16:29LAUGHTER
16:30All right, part one is over.
16:32It never really loved you anyway.
16:33Part one didn't even make an effort with your mum.
16:35It's finished!
16:36Let it go!
16:36Make a life with part two.
16:38It's a great cook and it's a tomcat in the bedroom.
16:40We'll see you in a bit.
16:46APPLAUSE
16:51Hello!
16:52Welcome to the start of part two.
16:54Please remind us what was happening before the break.
16:57My sad little otter.
16:58LAUGHTER
16:59Well, they're all trying to find a rocket and put it in their pocket as fast as is bloody possible.
17:04Finally, it's Jack and Rosie.
17:05Rosie.
17:07Can I go at some boring?
17:11You may.
17:14I mean, it'll be...
17:15It's going to be staring at me, isn't it?
17:17That's the thing.
17:18Mm-hm.
17:19I know what you mean.
17:20It's so annoying.
17:21Yeah, it is.
17:22OK.
17:23OK.
17:24Is it rocket salad?
17:36That's what I was looking for.
17:38It stinks.
17:40Done.
17:44I've stopped the clock.
17:46You've got rocket in your pocket.
17:48I enjoyed that.
17:50Well done, me!
17:52APPLAUSE
17:59Two grown adults.
18:02Genuinely thrilled that they've put salad in their pockets.
18:05Oh, come on.
18:06You should try it sometime.
18:07It's good.
18:08Maybe you and I could hang out sometime.
18:09Yeah, I'd like that.
18:14Rosie, that well done me was genuine, wasn't it?
18:17Yeah.
18:20Honestly, that's the best thing I've ever done.
18:25The wizard has a point.
18:27Oh, just...
18:29What was the wording of the task?
18:32It was put a rocket and then a silent salad in your pocket.
18:35Right.
18:35It's like a piece of rocket or a bunch of rocket, didn't it?
18:38A rocket.
18:39Do you want me to take Rosie's point off her?
18:43Yeah.
18:45Just look at Rosie when you say it.
18:48Yeah, I do.
18:51Does the word A mean nothing these days?
18:54You are a prick today.
18:58That's perfectly fine.
19:00I'm not...
19:01I'm not some pricks.
19:02I'm a prick.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:08APPLAUSE
19:13Do you think I should disqualify the salad?
19:15What's the timing of theirs?
19:17Yeah, yeah.
19:18You haven't yet said that.
19:20All right, let's get to that first.
19:21OK.
19:22Well, I can tell you Rosie put rocket in her pocket in 2 minutes 40.
19:27Yeah, let's take away the point.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:32Jack pocketed rocket in 1 minute 59.
19:35Wow!
19:36That's terrible.
19:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
19:41Yeah, everything he said, I'm going to back it.
19:46I've got news for you.
19:47I am going to allow rocket, and I want you to know this.
19:51I may not have allowed rocket if it wasn't for this wizard.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:58Rocket stands.
19:59In that case, it's one point to Emma, two to Andy, three to Bubba,
20:02four to Rosie, but five to Mr Jack Dean.
20:05APPLAUSE
20:09Is it scoreboard time?
20:10It is Bubba with your speedy rocket.
20:13You are in joint first place with Jack Dean on eight points.
20:17APPLAUSE
20:22Please, we have another task.
20:24Oh, yes.
20:25Now, for some physical art.
20:36BUZZER
20:39Yo!
20:40What's going on?
20:41Hello, Bubba.
20:41Man like.
20:43You're on dry land.
20:44Dry land, yeah.
20:45Yeah.
20:46You've been at sea.
20:48That's a caravan, bro.
20:49It's a submarine.
20:50LAUGHTER
20:55Do I?
20:57You do.
21:01We create a famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:16Do I look like I go to art exhibitions?
21:19I'll go to an art exhibition, my guy.
21:22You have 20 minutes.
21:23Your time starts now.
21:26Right.
21:28Famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:31You understand it?
21:32Of course I understand it.
21:33What's the matter with you?
21:34Of course I really think I'm sick.
21:35You kept saying recreation.
21:36I said recreation instead of recreation, but, you know, they are the same spelling, aren't
21:40they?
21:45Well, I'm just excited to see these.
21:483D art.
21:49OK.
21:49Would you like to see a montage of them arting hard?
21:51I want to see a hard art montage.
21:54OK.
21:55Here you are.
21:56Oh, my God.
22:01Noisy?
22:01It's really noisy.
22:03I hate bloody flowers.
22:05Don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
22:10It needs to go far corner.
22:12Far back as it goes, I think.
22:18Hi, Alex.
22:22Are you all right?
22:24Yeah, I'm all right.
22:25Er...
22:25Shall I shit here?
22:28I'll just see who's Dutch is here.
22:30Oh, I see.
22:31OK.
22:31The Andy Warhol ones didn't do baked beans and soup.
22:41Soup?
22:42Baked beans is a lump of soup.
22:51Does this look like a human mother?
22:53I need to get my thug pose on.
22:58I'm gonna look like a thug.
22:59No gang affiliation over here, bruv.
23:01Apart from the church.
23:03I go church, I gang bang for Jesus.
23:05You get me?
23:06OK.
23:08I don't know if you're celebrating a goal, but really upset.
23:11Oh, upset?
23:12Yeah.
23:15Did you do that?
23:16Yeah.
23:17Wow.
23:18Yep, did that.
23:19I'm slipping in.
23:21Oh!
23:21Oh!
23:23That feels gross!
23:26APPLAUSE
23:28Oh, my God.
23:33Who of us in this room isn't blown away by how much Jack D looks like Van Gogh?
23:39LAUGHTER
23:40I thought he was literally like the man came back to life.
23:46Baba, did you have some sort of traumatic instance in your life with flowers?
23:48Why?
23:49You're the only person I've ever met who hates flowers.
23:51I quote,
23:52I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
23:56LAUGHTER
23:56You know what it is?
23:57I'm traumatised by how much my wife requests flowers.
24:00Because when I'm walking on the street, people will be like,
24:02Oh, he's in the doghouse.
24:03It's like, I ain't in no damn doghouse.
24:05You know what I'm saying?
24:06LAUGHTER
24:06How often do you buy your wife flowers?
24:08Uh-oh.
24:09Uh-oh.
24:12Not including the ones you take off lampposts.
24:15LAUGHTER
24:16LAUGHTER
24:20Um, Emma.
24:21I'm already quite impressed, cos I already know what your painting is.
24:24Really?
24:25It's Clint, right?
24:26Yeah.
24:26Mm-hm.
24:27Well, look, I'm going to show you Emma's 3D version of the well-known painting.
24:31Let's see it in all its glory.
24:32Here we go.
24:35ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
24:42Ah, that was good.
24:44APPLAUSE
24:45Well done.
24:46That was quite a good one.
24:49Oh!
24:51I mean, it's so rarely on this show that I just have to just say,
24:55Oh, that's good.
24:55Yeah.
24:56It was good.
24:57The original sparked a sexual revolution.
24:59Do you think hers will?
25:01Nah.
25:02I can't feel anything.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:06It's really good, Emma.
25:08OK, well, shall we see another?
25:09Yes.
25:09Well, as you might have worked out, Andy Zaltzman took on
25:12the almighty Guernica by Pablo Picasso.
25:14Wow!
25:15So, first of all, we're going to look at the original.
25:18Now, Picasso obviously made the incredibly moving and powerful
25:21anti-war painting to help raise awareness and raise money
25:24during the Spanish Civil War.
25:25It's harrowing.
25:26And here's Andy Zaltzman's 3D recreation.
25:29LAUGHTER
25:44I mean, we have to reward ambition.
25:48It's incredibly ambitious.
25:50I mean, I just feel, amongst the many things this show doesn't
25:53address, the pity of war is right up there.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:58Cow's the wrong way round.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:04Sorry, Emma, have you...
26:05You've spotted an inaccuracy in this painting?
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10Well done, wizard.
26:11OK, well, next up, with his 3D nod to self-portrait
26:14with bandaged ear.
26:15Right, well, we already know this looks exactly like it.
26:17Cos we've got his face in the room.
26:19Yep, it's Vincent Jack Goff. Here we go.
26:22LAUGHTER
26:25LAUGHTER
26:27LAUGHTER
26:28Yes.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:32LAUGHTER
26:33LAUGHTER
26:37Yes.
26:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:52Another one.
26:53Really good.
26:54This is the worst episode of Taskmaster ever.
26:56LAUGHTER
26:56OK, time for another break and probably some more adverts
27:00for holidays in the sun.
27:02Costa Living Crisis?
27:03Yeah.
27:04More like Costa Del Sol Living La Vida Loca Crisis.
27:07Let's whack it under the credit card.
27:09Wayne Lineker!
27:10Call me...
27:12YOLO!
27:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:25Hello again!
27:25Here we are, it's cut through,
27:28and some classic artworks are being brought to life
27:30in a three-dimensional way.
27:32Cool, yeah, I love 3D.
27:34But I also like Harry Styles' solo stuff.
27:37LAUGHTER
27:37Next up, who's the artist currently known as Rosie Jones?
27:42BLOOMER!
27:45Andy Warhol
27:47from...
27:48Campbell's Hoops.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:56APPLAUSE
27:57APPLAUSE
28:02It's some Campbell's Hoops.
28:06I get it.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:09It's really good.
28:10Yeah, it's good.
28:11Everyone liked it.
28:12Everyone...
28:12Did you like it?
28:14Not that much.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:16One left, Greg.
28:18Yes.
28:18One left.
28:19And this man doesn't go to art galleries.
28:21He hates flowers.
28:22It's Bubba's turn.
28:29It is good.
28:30Very good.
28:31It is good.
28:36THEY'RE ALL ALL FRAIGHT
28:42Oh, sorry, sorry about that.
28:45You like that, Greg?
28:47LAUGHTER
28:51I do yes, you see the angle no, I'm saying this is what I'm trying to say. I keep telling
28:56people I'm amazing
29:01Well look great here are all five of the excellent 3d pics
29:04Well, I'm glad to give everyone a really high scores aren't I and then we'll just have to hope they
29:08fuck up the next task
29:10So I'll give everyone five points
29:18Okay, what's next please little Alex Hall. Okay. Well, Greg we're off to the pub
29:36In you go
29:39Oh
29:44We have company
29:47Who cares
29:50Lovely
29:52Yes, please. Oh, thank you so much
29:58Win the pub quiz by cheating the team that wins by cheating in at least five different ways wins
30:06If the quiz master notices you cheating you will lose a point and you must use a different method of
30:12cheating
30:12This quiz will start in five minutes. Your time starts now
30:17Okay, so we need ways of cheating mobile phone
30:24Here he is hi guys you doing a pub quiz tonight
30:28Right
30:31I'll come and get your team name soon
30:32I've got time to go to the toilet
30:37Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes. Good thinking. Yeah, there's your answer to your own day
30:42Okay, there's your answer sheet for the first two rounds. Okay. Enjoy anyone need anything good luck enjoy
30:49Yes
30:51What did you get?
30:53I got my phone
30:54What's that?
30:55What's that?
30:55What's that?
30:57What's that?
30:59How do you intend to use that without being noticed?
31:02That's the next challenge
31:05It's all common you
31:07Yeah, it might do
31:10Oh, what's that? One of you look after the...
31:12It's a little book of...
31:12That's Sue Perkins' number
31:14Do you have your phone?
31:16Save that now
31:18872
31:18Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys
31:20Cheers, mate
31:21Okay
31:22Team name, please
31:23GK picky people
31:24We have team honesty
31:26Team honesty, that's funny
31:28And have you got a team name?
31:30Cheetahs, but like they're animals
31:33Cheetahs?
31:34Just Cheetahs with his name
31:35H-E-T-A-H-Z
31:39Cheetahs
31:40Okay, right, let's go get my microphone and then we'll be off
31:43Yeah
31:43Yeah
31:44I've got something a little bit provocative to say
31:47Are you both married?
31:49Mm-hmm
31:50I'm also married
31:51Mm-hmm
31:52I was thinking like maybe just kiss and cheat with you too
31:55Right
31:55Handshake, right?
31:56I don't know if it's that kind of cheating
31:57Yeah, yeah
31:59Oh
32:04I remember what's in there
32:06Okay
32:07All right, remember
32:09Um, what's in your right hand?
32:11Nothing
32:13I'm going to put the books in my area
32:17Can I have the guide to the beavers, please?
32:20And also airpods out
32:20You're so strict
32:22Yes
32:23Sorry about that, bro
32:25Excuse me, thank you
32:27Hello?
32:27Pretty much back to square one
32:29Hello, is everyone here?
32:36Are you pub quizers before we start?
32:38No, I think it's a waste of pub time
32:42Every Monday
32:43Thank you, Emma
32:44Do you really, Emma?
32:45Yeah, genuinely
32:46Oh
32:47Q, what's your team called?
32:49Um, no arguments
32:52Because we have a problem with arguing
32:54So one day we realise
32:55Oh, if we called no arguments
32:57Maybe we'll stop
32:58Oh
32:59So now we just argue on the way home
33:02It's me and my husband
33:04LAUGHTER
33:06All right, then
33:06You want to see the quiz?
33:07I want to see the quiz
33:08Okay, pens down
33:09Heads up or something
33:10It's time to quiz
33:13Welcome to the ship
33:14Welcome to the pub quiz
33:16Okay, question one
33:17What is the largest species of rodent?
33:20What is the largest species of rodent?
33:23Not that
33:23It's not a mouse
33:26In what year was Mary, Queen of Scots
33:28Executed by her cousin?
33:30Elizabeth I, of course
33:33I'm just going to faint choking
33:36I got cramp
33:38Oh
33:39Oh, just move around the room a bit
33:41Oh, my God
33:45Oh, man
33:46It's quite early in the quiz to get cramp
33:48Right
33:49She just needs to be
33:51Yeah, yeah
33:53Yeah
33:53Wait
33:55Oh
33:57There's a hat there
34:00You can look up
34:02You can look up
34:04Right
34:04I'm feeling better now
34:06Right
34:07We do need to carry on with the quiz
34:10Question three
34:11What is the boiling point of mercury?
34:15Yeah, do you think it's that?
34:16Yes
34:17Mercury
34:18How are you getting on?
34:19What do the following states have in common?
34:22Oh
34:23Oh
34:25Come down
34:25Come down and help
34:27What do you
34:27Come down and help, mate
34:29That's not really how it works
34:30So you don't come down and help
34:31What's wrong?
34:33Yeah
34:33I feel so sick
34:35Okay
34:35I feel really nauseous
34:37Do you want a blanket?
34:38Yeah
34:39I was going to get her a blanket
34:40Okay, yeah, please
34:45Okay
34:45Phone's away, please
34:46I see what you're doing there
34:52Round two
34:54Sport!
34:56If I potted a red
34:57Then a black
34:58Then a red
34:59Then a black
35:00Then a red
35:01Then a pink
35:02Then a red
35:04Then a yellow
35:04Then a red
35:05Then a black
35:05Then a red
35:06Then a brown
35:06Then a red
35:07Then a green
35:07And all the colours
35:08What would my break be worth?
35:10I'll be honest with you
35:10I think this is when we do a quick
35:13Romantic cheat
35:13Right
35:15So can I just give you a quick
35:17There we go
35:18Let's never speak of her again
35:25What is Sue Perkins' favourite sport?
35:28Oh!
35:28What is Sue?
35:29I need a sick bucket
35:30Now!
35:31A big bucket
35:32Yeah
35:38Come on, Sue!
35:41What?
35:41Hockey
35:42Hockey
35:43Hockey
35:43Hockey
35:49Hockey
35:51Hello everyone
35:52Okay
35:53Hiya!
35:54The answers
35:55Have you all swapped sheets?
35:56No, sorry
35:57We've just got them all mixed up
35:58As quick as you can, please
36:02As long as you don't have your own
36:03As long as we don't have our own sheets
36:05Good try though
36:06The biggest rodent was of course
36:08Please sit down
36:09Kapubara
36:111587
36:12356 points
36:13That would be a break of 70 points
36:15Sue Perkins' favourite sport was
36:17And still is
36:19Football
36:19It's hockey
36:21It's not, it's football
36:22Sorry, I have to be very passionate about this
36:25Yeah
36:25Sue Perkins
36:27Is my best friend
36:29Is hockey
36:30Well, I've got a hand before
36:31Give her a call
36:31Give her a call
36:32I'm sorry
36:33I don't want to be afraid about this
36:34Can we call her now?
36:34Give her a call now
36:35Call her now
36:36Put it on the speaker
36:37Let's hear it
36:38Hi, it's Sue here
36:40Sorry I can't take your call
36:41But I might be underwater hockey
36:45Which is a shame
36:46Because I actually really love football
36:48LAUGHTER
36:49LAUGHTER
36:52We're underwater football
36:53Have you just caught up the scores?
36:56The sporty foodie flag, guys
36:58Is zero in round one
37:01Right
37:01And then three in round two
37:06Three, really?
37:07Didn't quite get there
37:09And round two
37:12Well, we got three
37:13We thought we had got more
37:15Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it?
37:16Yeah, that is
37:17Well, misspelling
37:18It's misspelling
37:18Well, they've misspelt the word misspelling
37:21Well done, guys
37:22All right, round three
37:23We will start in one minute
37:25APPLAUSE
37:31I mean, some of the most ludicrous overacting
37:34I mean, Jones went down within seconds
37:37Yeah, come from
37:38And then, Emma, I presume a trained actress
37:41When you had your multiple physical collapses
37:43I never trained, darling
37:45I never trained
37:46Oh, it doesn't show
37:47LAUGHTER
37:49Do you know what I mean?
37:50Mama was the only one, wasn't he?
37:51He wasn't overactive
37:53Yes
37:53But there's more to come, right?
37:55We're only halfway through
37:56They've both pretty much neck and neck
37:57I've caught them a few times
37:58But there is a second half to come
37:59That's the end of part three
38:00Come back for part four
38:02And see someone take home some soulful prizes
38:04It'll be like watching your kid in a school play
38:07Except shorter and fun
38:09And you won't have to stave off boredom
38:10By imagining having an affair with a teacher
38:13Just me?
38:14LAUGHTER
38:17APPLAUSE
38:26Hello, welcome back to the final part of the show
38:29Where a pub quiz is taking place in the ship
38:32On with the second half of the quiz
38:33Where the two teams have to win by cheating
38:35At least five times
38:37Without being caught by old eagle-eyes Horne
38:39The handsome quiz master
38:40Here's how they get on
38:41LAUGHTER
38:43Round three, picture round
38:45Question one
38:45What is Alex Horne holding?
38:48Phones away, please
38:49What country's flag has a green triangle on the left?
38:53I do have a cramp again
38:57Please sit down
38:58Don't be on board, bro
38:59Come on, man
39:00Question three, please sit down
39:02Alex, I've got a delivery
39:03A delivery?
39:04Just checking if the guy's at the front door
39:06This is a pub
39:07Right
39:08Yeah
39:10Yeah
39:11Yeah, you're right
39:14LAUGHTER
39:15LAUGHTER
39:15I don't even know what I saw there
39:25What animal features on Albania's flag?
39:29Right, we'll be back in two minutes
39:30For the answers
39:31Thank you
39:33What?
39:46Yo! Yo! Yo!
39:57This thing is inside.
40:01Hello, everyone.
40:02Oh, yeah.
40:03Hello, yeah.
40:05OK.
40:05The answers.
40:06Please swap papers.
40:08Round three, the picture round.
40:09OK, what was I holding?
40:10What was redacted there?
40:13A colander.
40:15How did you know that?
40:16It wasn't...
40:18It's just the expression.
40:19A colander.
40:20And it was a colander.
40:21Yeah.
40:22I love the colander.
40:24Mmm.
40:25Thanks for coming, everyone.
40:26That is closing time now, so...
40:28Woo!
40:29Please get out.
40:29Thank you. Bye-bye.
40:30Bye-bye.
40:31Cheers, guys.
40:32Cheers.
40:33Cheers.
40:37First of all, I will tell you the scores in the quiz.
40:41Andy, Emma and Bubba got 22 out of 30.
40:43Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.
40:45Oh, God.
40:46But we subtract points from the amount of times I caught them cheating.
40:49I caught the team of three six times.
40:51I caught the team of two nine times.
40:54Which means the team of three win the quiz.
40:56Wow!
41:03It was close, so I don't know how you want to distribute points.
41:06Five and four?
41:06There we go.
41:07So, four for the team of two, five for the team of three!
41:08Yay!
41:09Yay!
41:10Yay!
41:14Can we get the scores out?
41:15Yes, we can have a first look at the series scores if you want, Greg.
41:18Ooh, yes, please.
41:19Mm.
41:19Well, it's sort of going like this.
41:21We've got Andy on 37, Bubba on 40, Emma on 42,
41:25then we jump to Rosie on 46, Jack's on 53 at the moment.
41:28Woo!
41:29Seriously.
41:32OK, it's that time again.
41:34Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
41:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:46What is going on?
41:48We found their doppelgangers.
41:55It's uncanny.
41:57Can you just read the task, Alex?
41:59I'd like Jack D to read the task, please, Greg.
42:01Oh, Jack, would you read it?
42:02Yeah, OK.
42:05Russell Russell, Phil Phil, Mark Mark, Rob Rob and Pat Pat.
42:09When Alex blows his whistle, you must all immediately
42:12either say one word to the person next to you
42:15or perform one action.
42:17The people may only say yes or no.
42:20If you perform the wrong action, you are disqualified.
42:23You will then meet a new person.
42:25The first person to perform all the right actions
42:28to all the right people wins.
42:30Yes.
42:30So you're sitting next to somebody who's either called Mark,
42:33Pat, Russell, Rob or Phil.
42:35So, if you think they're called Mark, you put a mark on their clipboard.
42:38If you think they're called Pat, you pat them on the head.
42:40If you think they're called Russell, you rustle them.
42:42You know what I mean?
42:44If you think they're called Rob, you steal one of their pencils.
42:46If you think they're called Phil, you put your stuffing down their top.
42:50If you find out that you're sat next to, for example, Mark,
42:53you have to wait till the next time you meet Mark to mark Mark.
42:57If you correctly Phil Phil or mark Mark or Rob Rob or Russell Russell,
43:00you will get a little sticker on your arm.
43:02The first person to get all five of them wins five points.
43:05No one gets any other points.
43:07If you do the action wrong, you're out of the game.
43:10OK, once we get going, it's less complicated.
43:14Let's go.
43:14Rob.
43:16No.
43:16Phil.
43:17No.
43:17Russell.
43:18No.
43:19Mark.
43:20No.
43:20Pat.
43:21No.
43:22Move!
43:23We're off.
43:24Phil.
43:25No.
43:26Rob.
43:26Yes.
43:27Move!
43:28If you think you've got it right, you have to remember till next time.
43:31Mark.
43:32Yes.
43:32Pat.
43:33Yes.
43:35Not yet!
43:36Sit down!
43:37Please sit down.
43:39Move!
43:41Now move!
43:44It's not very often you'll see Alex genuinely annoyed, ladies and gentlemen.
43:48So, here we go.
43:49Wait, wait, what are their names again?
43:53It's worth trying to remember them.
43:54It's Mark, Pack, Russell, Robin, Phil.
44:01Move!
44:01Four!
44:02Good.
44:07There has been a successful action.
44:10Move!
44:20We have a disqualification.
44:21Bubba has got this person wrong.
44:23You must stand behind your chair.
44:24He is disqualified.
44:25Oh, Bubba.
44:26At this rate, I don't care.
44:27Right.
44:27OK.
44:28OK.
44:32Oh, shit!
44:36That's definitely not his name.
44:41OK.
44:41We've got some more action.
44:42This is good.
44:43Move.
44:48We have more action.
44:50Move, please.
44:50Move.
44:53We have action over there.
44:55I have a sticker.
44:56Please move.
44:57Move.
44:57Move.
45:02We have a disqualification.
45:03Jack D is gone.
45:04Jack's gone.
45:05Only three left in the game.
45:07Right, you're going to kill me.
45:13Russell.
45:14Mark.
45:15Phil.
45:17Yes!
45:19Go!
45:20OK.
45:22And just so you know, thank you, Emma.
45:23Emma has one sticker.
45:25The wizard has one sticker.
45:26Rosie has two stickers.
45:27Rosie has two stickers.
45:29She's got two.
45:30I know.
45:31She's playing you, Emma.
45:32She knows exactly what she's doing.
45:35Here we go.
45:37Move, move, move.
45:40There's some action going on.
45:43The wizard has another sticker.
45:45And moves.
45:47We have more action here.
45:49The wizard has three stickers.
45:55Four stickers.
45:59We could be approaching the end game.
46:04We are first.
46:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:09We will add those scores to the final score.
46:12Come down and join me.
46:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:19What.
46:21A.
46:21Rush.
46:23All right, well, as you saw, there was only five points to one person there, and that
46:27person was Mr Andy Zaltzman.
46:28The wizard has his revenge.
46:32It means the final table today looks like this.
46:36He's only gone and done it.
46:38The winner with 21 points is Andy Zaltzman!
46:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:44Andy Zaltzman wins.
46:46Please go up and celebrate with your soulful prizes!
46:49APPLAUSE
47:19MUSIC
47:19.
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