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Taskmaster - S20E06 - Is That Number Got Curves [Full Movie] [Full Version]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Oh, no!
00:05Hello?
00:12Hey!
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:33Welcome, welcome to Taskmaster.
00:37A group of comics battling out to see
00:40who is the least worst at doing a thing.
00:42No-one will learn anything from the next hour,
00:45so crack open a can and give in to the pointlessness.
00:48Here are the names of our giggling gladiators.
00:52Anya Magliano!
00:55Maisie Adam!
00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58Phil Ennis!
00:59Rich Sheerthman!
01:01And Sonji Bhaskar!
01:05And next to me, a man who told me
01:07he never struggles to get back to sleep
01:09after the alarm goes off,
01:10he simply has to listen to one of his wife's descriptions
01:12of a dream she had.
01:14As he put it himself,
01:15they're so boring, I soon be snoring.
01:20HE SINGS
01:21HE SINGS
01:23HE SINGS
01:24HE SINGS
01:27Hey, Craig, I've got you a present.
01:30Yeah?
01:30I think you'll like it.
01:31It's a working mind-reading machine.
01:34LAUGHTER
01:35You want to give it a go?
01:37Yes.
01:38LAUGHTER
01:38I mean, honestly,
01:40that's one of the coolest things I think I've ever seen.
01:42Oh!
01:43LAUGHTER
01:45That's quite good!
01:47It was!
01:48It was!
01:48The more...
01:48You are my best friend.
01:50Ooh!
01:51That was a bad edit, wasn't it?
01:53LAUGHTER
01:54You are my best friend!
01:56LAUGHTER
01:58You really mean it.
01:59This is the best...
02:00This is the best chat section ever.
02:02LAUGHTER
02:03Let us begin!
02:04Yes, and I strongly suggest we start with the prize task,
02:07and the category this time is...
02:11LAUGHTER
02:14Oh, God!
02:15So, at the end of the show,
02:16not only will the winner take home
02:18five things Greg would like to see me wearing,
02:20but I might appear on the stage and don the outfit
02:22that wins this bit of the task.
02:25Ooh!
02:27Before I see any of them,
02:28I want to say that the things that make him look the most stupid,
02:32inconvenience him or cause him pain
02:34are the things that I'm likely to give high points.
02:36LAUGHTER
02:36OK, Anya.
02:38It's not constrictive,
02:39but I've brought in a versatile hat.
02:41Can I see the hat?
02:42Yeah.
02:43Here's Anya's hat.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:48That is wonderful.
02:50That, I imagine, is incredibly heavy.
02:52It's heavy, it hurts.
02:53It hurts to wear...
02:54It will ruin his life.
02:56And I'll barely be able to see him and his horrible gappy mouth.
02:59LAUGHTER
03:00Obviously, it's got the sparkliness for, like, all your awards dues
03:03and then it's black so you can wear it to a funeral.
03:05A friend of my heart inevitably gives in.
03:08Yeah.
03:08I'd like you to wear that to my funeral.
03:10LAUGHTER
03:10It's a deal.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:15That's a strong opener.
03:16OK.
03:17Sanjee.
03:17What would the...
03:18You said constrictive...
03:20Uh...
03:20Causes embarrassment or pain.
03:22Yeah.
03:22OK.
03:23OK.
03:23So, if you imagine him wearing this...
03:26In India...
03:29All of those things are covered.
03:31Sanjee has brought this in.
03:33It's a safari!
03:34LAUGHTER
03:37Oh, my God.
03:38Our next night out, that.
03:40You.
03:41So full.
03:42Yeah.
03:43I would walk ten paces ahead.
03:45Not for cultural reasons.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:47Just for personal safety.
03:50LAUGHTER
03:50This is wonderful.
03:51Yeah.
03:51You'll look silly in a sari and you'll be in danger.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:56I mean, I'm excited we're having another night out.
03:59LAUGHTER
03:59Still.
04:00It's a suit I've made and it's covered in various things
04:05that will attract predators.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:09Yes, it is.
04:10This is what it looks like, Greg.
04:11Oh, here we go.
04:13There we are.
04:15Oh!
04:16It's beyond my wildest dreams.
04:19LAUGHTER
04:19We all got some steaks there for any carnivores.
04:22Some sausages.
04:23Maybe we get a cartoon fun dog chasing him.
04:25Yeah.
04:26And, er...
04:27And, honey, wouldn't we all like to see Winnie the Pooh attached
04:30to his back clawing away at him?
04:32Wouldn't we?
04:34With his little T-shirt on.
04:35Nothing below the waist.
04:36Lovely.
04:36With the rest blowing in the wind.
04:38Why Winnie and not one of the bad bears?
04:40Winnie behind closed doors is a real piece of shit.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:45I absolutely love it.
04:48Maisie, have you got something that will humiliate my friend?
04:51The late Lady Diana's revenge dress.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:59You mean this one?
05:02That's the one!
05:03LAUGHTER
05:04It's off the shoulder, form-fitting with an asymmetrical henline
05:07and chiffon train.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09Cleavage-bearing, a departure from typical royal attire, of course.
05:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:13It was, apparently, a statement of defiance and a powerful symbol
05:15of reclaiming her narrative.
05:17There you go!
05:17It was soon after finding out about the divorce, I think, wasn't it?
05:20Yeah.
05:21Yeah.
05:21And I've often heard you say backstage there's three people in this marriage.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26God, these are all strong.
05:28Rhys. Rhys?
05:29You have mentioned sometimes, haven't you, Greg, that you used to be a teacher?
05:33Yes.
05:34You occasionally mention...
05:34I may have got a bit of material out of this.
05:37Yes.
05:37I presume when you were teaching, if someone was hard of thinking,
05:41they would be given the dunce's cap.
05:43So I thought, what's the next best thing?
05:45It's basically a hat with a propeller on it.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:49This is the hat.
05:50Let's have a look.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52I think that... I think that should win.
05:54That is...
05:54Oh!
05:56LAUGHTER
05:57What a nightmare!
05:58Can I... Can I say, the reason I find it hard to score that highly
06:01is because he, and I mean this, would genuinely wear that out of chalk.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:06I've miscalculated, then.
06:08Yeah, it would appear so.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:10I like all of them.
06:12I'm going to do something that will annoy you.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:14OK?
06:15I'm not going to give anyone one point.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:18I'm going to give Rhys Shearsmith two points...
06:21Yes.
06:22..for that hat, just because I'm in a good mood.
06:24I'm going to give hat number two, that Anya brought in, three points.
06:28Right.
06:29Because I liked it, but I think part of Alex would like that too.
06:32Four points for Asari.
06:34OK, one on Sanjeev, four points.
06:35And then we're up into the big guns.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:39It's so difficult for me between meat and Diana.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:44I'm going to give five points to the late Lady Turner dress
06:48and the meat outfit.
06:50That's how I'm going to play.
06:50OK, five to Mac and five to four.
06:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:27I thought you were going to be sat there.
07:29Hello.
07:30May I?
07:31Please do.
07:31An envelope, a cushion, string and a gorgeous set of scissors.
07:36Would you like me to open the task?
07:38Yeah, OK.
07:38Yeah.
07:39Can I use the scissors?
07:40Yeah.
07:43Cut a single string...
07:46..to cause the greatest effect.
07:49You have 20 minutes.
07:51Your time starts now.
07:53Greatest effect is pretty broad.
07:54It's two bloody broads.
07:56Oh, right.
07:57That's subjective, isn't it?
07:58Yes, some of these tasks are.
08:00Yeah.
08:01I shouldn't tell you what I'm going to do.
08:03Just do it.
08:03Might need that, doesn't it?
08:06It's all good stuff, isn't it?
08:10APPLAUSE
08:14Yet again, Phil, positive.
08:17Making fun out of just having a pair of scissors in front of him.
08:20I try to look at the bright side of life and just enjoy every second.
08:23Good.
08:24That's wonderful.
08:25He said that like the summer with a gun.
08:28Alex.
08:29Greg.
08:30Shall we see some?
08:31Why not?
08:32Let's begin with Phil, short for Philip,
08:34and Anya, short for genetic reasons.
08:37Here we go.
08:39I think there's one more item, if possible.
08:43Have you got a watch on?
08:44Yes, always.
08:44Brilliant.
08:45Strange response.
08:47Do you mind if I take it?
08:48Depends.
08:48Well, I'll look after it.
08:49I'm not an animal.
08:50It's a good watch, this.
08:52Right.
08:53I don't know how long you've got left.
08:55Well, none of us do, don't we?
08:56But isn't that life's big question?
08:58I've got out of the fun of it, really.
08:59Yeah.
09:00That's like the old bloody thing, that's right.
09:03See you.
09:04OK.
09:06OK.
09:06Really simple.
09:08We're going to winch the glasses over the house, and then I'll smash the glasses.
09:14Talk's ticking, Anya.
09:15OK.
09:25Would you like to take a seat, please?
09:27Thank you so much for coming.
09:28Thanks, guys.
09:29Right.
09:30Right.
09:30So, that's a single piece of string.
09:32This is the anvil.
09:33Mm-hm.
09:33So, just going to...
09:38OK.
09:39You might remember earlier, I took your watch from you.
09:42Yeah, I remember that.
09:43Well.
09:43Yeah.
09:43I'm going to give it back, because I'm a good person.
09:46But, first of all, we've got the trap, we've got the watch.
09:52Well, I do like my watch.
09:53It's a beautiful watch, but points are points.
09:57So, here we go.
09:58I imagine you've got about a minute left.
09:59A minute left.
10:01Oh!
10:05Ooh!
10:05That's good, but it's all I wanted.
10:07OK.
10:11That's on.
10:11Was that the little bit you were aiming for?
10:13Yeah.
10:14Amazing.
10:17Watch your head.
10:18OK, we're going to do it.
10:19We're going for a week.
10:20OK.
10:23Five.
10:25Four.
10:27Three.
10:28Two.
10:30One.
10:36Oh.
10:38I thought it would be bigger than that.
10:42I thought it was going to cover the whole house.
10:54Yes!
11:00Oh, no, you smashed it!
11:03I'm happy with that.
11:04Does it still work, Phil?
11:05It does still work, but much like me, it's damaged.
11:08Can I have it back?
11:09You can have it back.
11:09Of course you can.
11:10There you go.
11:12No, thank you very much, Phil.
11:12I appreciate you trusting me enough with that.
11:15Well, another day.
11:17Another dollar.
11:18Let's get back to the ground.
11:20APPLAUSE
11:22Well, I mean, I worked with you the whole way.
11:25I was thinking, she's got it sus.
11:26I found it was pretty spectacular when you managed to lasso the weathervane.
11:29It was all going well.
11:30Yeah.
11:31And then...
11:33Well, I wrote down where I...
11:35What I think let the whole thing down was, I thought it would cover the whole house.
11:40Do you think it was like nuclear paintball?
11:43Sometimes I don't even need to score this, because you scored it yourself.
11:48After the video, you went, ah.
11:51Yeah, sometimes you have to know when it's over.
11:54Yes.
11:54But I've got a lot of my life left to live.
11:59Well, I still enjoyed it.
12:01I enjoyed watching you fail.
12:02Phil, this was bold.
12:05Because he loves that watch.
12:07I do love the watch.
12:08Well, is it broken?
12:09No, it's not broken.
12:10It made it sort of dirty.
12:11Oh, it's horrific.
12:13What an impact.
12:14But you should see the house.
12:18I can't.
12:18I can't.
12:19It's just a clown.
12:22Let's see some others.
12:23OK.
12:24Well, the next one's not for the squeamish, because it's Rhys Shearsmish.
12:29Ooh.
12:34And so, Contessa, for three days you have denied answering our questions.
12:42You still will not loosen your tug?
12:46For the greatest effect, one small snip is all it will take.
12:52Let us see if we cannot change your mind.
13:05You still want to come back?
13:07Ever lower the pit and the pendulum swings upon the gut of the mistress.
13:14Do you have anything to say, you fly lady?
13:17Oh!
13:17One of us, ow!
13:19I've never heard of it.
13:19You must not steal again from the supermarkets.
13:25What the hell?
13:26Do it?
13:27It was you!
13:30Ah, she has expired.
13:33Never again will you steal from Asda.
13:39Lower it!
13:40Finish her off!
13:55The work here is done.
13:59Never again will you steal cream eggs from Asda.
14:05Bring in the next one.
14:08He is said to have putt on a single yeller.
14:20Wonderful filmic ambition.
14:22I'd like, for the first time in this series,
14:24to drill down into the narrative somewhat.
14:26Who are these characters?
14:28Well, it's based clearly on Edgar Allan Poe's pitch in The Pendulum.
14:32Of course.
14:32Yes.
14:33In which a man is tortured, sort of in the Inquisition style,
14:38and I changed it slightly that he'd been stealing cream eggs from Asda.
14:42From Asda, yes.
14:43Where was your character from?
14:44He was Spanish?
14:46No.
14:48He's from Hull.
14:51Great effect indeed.
14:53OK.
14:54I'd like to announce the end of part one.
14:56And it's time, ladies and gentlemen, strap yourselves in.
15:00Alex is going to end this part with his Robert De Niro impression.
15:04Ooh.
15:05Are you talking to me?
15:08Are you talking to me?
15:09It's like he's in the room!
15:22Yes!
15:23It's the start of part two.
15:25We've been seeing the dramatic consequences that can occur after cutting one single piece of string.
15:30Yes.
15:31Especially if you parked on a sing-a-yella!
15:36Time now to see what...
15:37I didn't know you were from Hull!
15:41Time now to see what Maisie and Sanjeev decided was a good idea.
15:45Here we go.
15:50Ah-ha.
15:51Right.
15:51OK.
15:52You sure?
15:53No.
15:53But here goes.
16:10OK.
16:11Thank you, Sanjeev.
16:12Hmm.
16:12Mm.
16:15Quite a shame.
16:17Is it?
16:19No.
16:23Greatest effect, you want most of the string.
16:26For greatest effect, you want most of the string.
16:28If I cut it at the very end, I've got more string so I can do more with it.
16:33If I hook it round that...
16:36Yeah.
16:36So you are going to cut the string at some point, are you?
16:39Alex, leave the room.
16:40Oh.
16:41That duck.
16:52Upon invitation, Alex is going to walk in, pull off that hook,
16:56and it's going to tug this horse, which will bring the chicken down.
16:59He'll think, right, that's the chicken out of the way.
17:01Surprise, another chicken.
17:03That chicken, still not over.
17:06Third pule of the day is going to land ready to eat,
17:10and I'll be waiting, saying,
17:11cheers.
17:13There's your seat.
17:14Alex, please enter the restaurant.
17:17The restaurant?
17:18The room.
17:19OK, here I come.
17:20Yep.
17:23Hooray!
17:27Bon appetit!
17:32Hooray!
17:37That's an absolute cockfest.
17:39Look at that.
17:39Three chickens fell over.
17:41Yeah.
17:41And you just cut one bit of string.
17:42That's really good, isn't it?
17:43Absolute cockfest.
17:44That's probably true.
17:51Which one's saying?
17:54No!
17:57I'm not allowed to come across.
17:59Yeah.
17:59It's forever.
18:00It's forever.
18:02It's forever.
18:03I've never been able to come across from here.
18:04How come I once knew?
18:05I've never been able to come across.
18:12You've never been able to come across this pack.
18:18LAUGHTER
18:39Got one word for you. Existentialism.
18:46APPLAUSE
18:51I've got to be honest, I was going to score you highly
18:54when you just let the table miss the egg.
18:57I thought, that is so clever,
18:59because we're all expecting the egg to be smashed.
19:01And you deliberately made it miss the egg, obviously.
19:04And then... And then? What a second chapter.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:08Did you deliberately have the balls miss the second egg,
19:12or was that just fluke? That... No, it was deliberate.
19:15Because the whole thing is you expect the eggs to break.
19:17Yeah. And that's why I said it's existential,
19:19because everybody, as people,
19:21are the kind of most vulnerable thing, like an egg,
19:23and situation and time and the world and everything
19:26is everything else.
19:27But we can survive it.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:31You, my friend, are on the wrong show.
19:34LAUGHTER
19:36So, Maisie, I did think it was fairly chaotic.
19:39You helped one of the chickens off the thing,
19:42but it was still a pretty great effect.
19:45And you had the best celebration as well.
19:47Whey!
19:48OK, I can score.
19:50What is the least effect?
19:51Well, it's Anya, I'm sorry.
19:53Whey!
19:54One point to Anya.
19:56OK, I think I'll have to give you two on this occasion, Maisie,
19:58and I'll give the anvil three.
20:00OK, Phil get three.
20:01No, I don't know.
20:02It was profundity and action,
20:04so I think, probably, Sanjeev just pips it.
20:07So, four points to Rhys, five points to Sanjeev.
20:09There we go. Five points to Sanjeev.
20:12Can I see the series scores?
20:14Yes, it's tight, it really is.
20:15Sanjeev is at the bottom with 76.
20:18And then it goes, Maisie, 80.
20:19Phil, 81.
20:20Anya, 82.
20:21Rhys, suddenly in the lead with 83.
20:23Oh!
20:24Very tight.
20:26Right, let's have another.
20:27Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
20:32LAUGHTER
20:44What is it this time?
20:45Well, we're in a corridor.
20:47I know.
20:48What if I don't like heights?
20:50OK.
20:52Write an autobiographical ten-word story.
20:56You have two minutes.
20:58Your time starts now.
21:00On the notepad, please.
21:03Ten-word story.
21:04I don't think I need that many.
21:06I have to write it.
21:07An autobiographical ten-word story.
21:10That's what he wants.
21:12He?
21:12Greg Davis.
21:16He's the Taskmaster.
21:17Yes.
21:21Ooh, what else have I done in my life?
21:24Great.
21:25Done.
21:25Happy with your story?
21:27It's true.
21:28Do you mind just showing me your...
21:30...story?
21:34That's for you, and I'll take this away.
21:37Oh.
21:38OK.
21:39There we go, that's for you.
21:40I knew you were up to something troublesome.
21:45Communicate your story to the Taskmaster.
21:47You may not leave the bridge.
21:49The most accurately communicated story wins.
21:53You have ten minutes to prepare your performance.
21:55Then 30 seconds to communicate your story.
21:58Your time starts now.
21:59You've got time to prepare or practice or...
22:01No, let's just go for it.
22:02You just want to go for it immediately?
22:03Yeah, let's go for it.
22:08Oh, that's bloody useless.
22:10What is this?
22:11Anya, are you ready?
22:12Yeah.
22:13Ready, Maisie?
22:14Ready.
22:15Am I able to write on this window?
22:17Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
22:19Taskmaster will be watching.
22:21Well, where's the Taskmaster?
22:25Oh, shit!
22:32Grace, grumpy that morning?
22:35No, I thought that's me on a good day.
22:39Sanjeev didn't take any rehearsal time, just launch straight into it.
22:43But we've learnt today we shouldn't write Sanjeev off.
22:46There's a lot going on up there.
22:50Can we see their ten-word stories?
22:51I'm not so excited.
22:52Yes.
22:53So, we're going to see them one at a time, Greg.
22:55You've got to watch it and you've got to try to scribble down
22:56what you think the story is, Greg.
22:57First up, is he Mr Cool and Confident?
23:00Or is it Mr Let's Hurry Up so I can bog off home early?
23:03Either way, it's definitely Mr Sanjeev Battle.
23:25LAUGHTER
23:30This is what I've gone with.
23:32A child is born, he grows up to be Sanjeev.
23:38That might be slightly better than what I wrote.
23:41LAUGHTER
23:41Well, the gist is pretty good.
23:43The story was, I was born Sanjeev, which I remain to this day.
23:48Wow.
23:49It's not bad.
23:52We have to take the gist as correct into it when I'm scoring.
23:55OK.
23:56You want to see another one?
23:57Yes, I do. Who's can I see?
23:58I want you to see Maisie's ten-word story.
24:00OK.
24:01Here we go.
24:13WHISTLE BLOWS
24:13WHISTLE BLOWS
24:14WHISTLE BLOWS
24:17WHISTLE BLOWS
24:18You look like you don't know what it was.
24:19I don't know what that was.
24:21LAUGHTER
24:21I've got it.
24:23Oh.
24:23You're ahead of me.
24:25I've written,
24:26The bored woman sarcastically indicates she did not enjoy man's company.
24:32LAUGHTER
24:34I mean, that is my autobiography, actually.
24:38LAUGHTER
24:39It's not a million miles off.
24:41Maisie, you wrote,
24:43HE keeps explaining the plot of the show I'm in.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47What?
24:48Because you asked me to read the rules out a couple of times.
24:51You got infuriated.
24:52You wrote that down.
24:53LAUGHTER
24:54I'm a fucking idiot.
24:56LAUGHTER
24:57You've had highs, but this is...
24:59This is a low.
25:00OK.
25:01Who's next?
25:02OK, I'm going to show you one more before the break.
25:03Here is Phil's autobiographical ten-word story.
25:06Have a look.
25:17WHISTLE BLOWS
25:17MUSIC PLAYS
25:43It's a tale of Elvis Tung.
25:46LAUGHTER
25:46I'll tell you what's thrown it, and what I think is going to damage it,
25:50is I couldn't decide what this was.
25:53And in the end, I decided it was a circus tent.
25:56Do you think you've got it? This is what I've written. Ready? OK, yep.
25:59Child born to circus...
26:01..runs away, but returns when skint.
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07No, I think that's pretty... Yeah.
26:10He actually wrote...
26:12..Preston born, Preston raised, left Preston, failed, return to Preston.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:17That was very good.
26:20The journey's down. Yeah.
26:22Remember why?
26:24Priest town. Priest town.
26:26Is this a church? That's a church. Come on.
26:29You've got a couple of words right and you've got the gist right,
26:31but circus was wrong. OK, it's break time once more.
26:35So, stand up, have a stretch, have a scratch, have a retch,
26:38have a berth, have a yawn, pick up your phone, look at some porn,
26:41close the curtains, make a dent, and before you know,
26:44we'll be back again.
26:45LAUGHTER
26:55Hello.
26:56Welcome back to part three of Taskmaster.
26:58Before the break, the cast had written ten-word autobiographical stories
27:02and were trying to communicate them in silence for me to interpret.
27:06What would your ten-word story be, Alex?
27:08Hmm, good question. I suppose it'd be...
27:11No-one cares!
27:13LAUGHTER
27:15OK, well, here's Rhys' story now.
27:19Ten-word, autobiographical, have a look at this.
27:22MUSIC PLAYS
27:24MUSIC PLAYS
27:29MUSIC PLAYS
27:31MUSIC CONTINUES
27:31MUSIC CONTINUES
27:31MUSIC CONTINUES
27:42MUSIC PLAYS
27:52APPLAUSE
27:54So that's what you've got to work on, Greg.
27:57OK, well, all I've got is when I was a little.
28:00I don't know what to do. No.
28:02Well, it's an autobiographical story.
28:04What do you think happened to Rhys when he was little, I suppose?
28:07When I was a little boy,
28:12I...I...was...
28:16sometimes...grumpy.
28:18LAUGHTER
28:20Well, you've got the gist of it.
28:22Oh. When I was little, I choked on Monster Munch crisps.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:28Which would make you cross.
28:30Really angry. On the back of my brother's bike,
28:33I started to choke on pickled onion Monster Munch crisps.
28:36The greatest of all the flavours.
28:37The thing that saved me was there's holes in the crisps
28:39and I think it went...and I had a gap.
28:42LAUGHTER
28:42He's only here because he breathed through a Monster Munch's foot.
28:46LAUGHTER
28:46Well, there's only one left to see. Here we go.
28:48Fanyly.
28:49Finally, it's Anya.
28:51Fanyl.
28:52No? OK.
28:52Anya!
28:56No!
29:05Oh.
29:06Oh!
29:08Oh, oh!
29:16Oh!
29:23MUSIC PLAYS
29:28It's like a Kate Bush music video.
29:31Have you auditioned for Radha?
29:33Because that... Do you think that was good?
29:35Yeah. And he was in Paddington too.
29:40That's true, isn't it? That is true.
29:42I didn't finish the previous sentence to which you took as a compliment.
29:48LAUGHTER
29:50Wait, what were you going to say?
29:52But well done.
29:54Well done.
29:54So this is what I've gone with.
29:56Baby born to dancing cat,
29:59who writes, jumps and then dies.
30:04And you're born.
30:06Cats, the musical, school, university, trampolining, and you die.
30:10Oh!
30:12It was the full life.
30:14I told the story in a different way, I did it through bullet points,
30:17which I think...
30:17I didn't realise that you could do it as one sentence.
30:20I thought it was like,
30:21do the main events of your life.
30:22Birth.
30:23Cats, the musical.
30:25I went trampolining.
30:26Cats, the musical is a big thing in your life, right?
30:29Yeah.
30:30Were you in it, or...?
30:30I watched it.
30:32LAUGHTER
30:33What did you write again?
30:35A baby born.
30:36Anya born.
30:37That's good.
30:37To dancing cat.
30:38Cats, the musical.
30:40Who writes, school, university, jumps, trampolining, and dives.
30:45Anya die.
30:46Wow!
30:48That's really good!
30:50APPLAUSE
30:51So it seems to me Maisie, fortunately, should come in last place
30:55and receive one point.
30:56OK, cos she didn't really understand it.
30:57Followed by half-a-storey Rhys with two points.
30:59OK.
31:00Phil didn't go to the circus, but he did the rest of the stuff.
31:03Yeah.
31:03Three points.
31:05Anya, surprisingly accurate, despite unusual priorities in life.
31:10LAUGHTER
31:11Four points.
31:12But Sanjeev, proving once again, sometimes, simplicity is best.
31:17Five points for Sanjeev Vasquez!
31:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:22Another task, please, my basic boy.
31:25Yes, I am here to adhere.
31:27And now, what the flippers, we're off to the lab.
31:42MUSIC PLAYS
31:46Hello.
31:47You OK?
31:48I am, yeah.
31:49You?
31:49Nice flower.
31:51It's a new look you're trying?
31:53Maybe.
31:53I'll just sort of mix things up.
31:54OK.
31:55Hello.
31:56You know there's protests outside this lab?
31:58Again?
31:58Yep.
31:59They're trying to stop you, whatever you're doing here.
32:02LAUGHTER
32:02Should I step into the ring?
32:04That's up to you.
32:05Well...
32:06Is it?
32:08LAUGHTER
32:13Ugh.
32:14Creepy.
32:16LAUGHTER
32:16No strings attached to this, is there?
32:19LAUGHTER
32:20Wear the flippers correctly.
32:24CLICK
32:24CLICK
32:26The slowest wins!
32:27Your time started when you entered the room.
32:30I have read that correctly.
32:32Slowest wins.
32:35Slowest?
32:36What a strange task.
32:39APPLAUSE
32:43This is a particularly confusing task.
32:45It was slowest wins.
32:46Slowest wins.
32:47No explanation.
32:48It was very odd.
32:49What a tricky use of words.
32:51It's so irritating, isn't it?
32:53LAUGHTER
32:53Let's begin with two very famous faces from the stage and screen,
32:56perhaps best known for playing Martin in London's Burning,
32:59and Ravi the Indian cobra from Zoo Rush 2.
33:02Destination New York, it's Rhys and Sanjeev.
33:08Slowest wins.
33:10Slowest wins.
33:10So, I've got to sort of make a meal of it.
33:12Oh, look, there's loads of little chopsticks.
33:19What I'm going to do is try to not come out of this circle.
33:24I'm going to try and get the flippers with chopsticks.
33:26Yes.
33:31I'm missing something.
33:36The thing is, Alex, there is no right or wrong.
33:39Is that right?
33:45Don't confuse me.
33:48Slowest wins.
33:49You look like a cowboy.
33:51Do I?
33:55Oh!
33:56Something's happening.
33:57Oh, we're off.
34:00I mean, I'm going to go and have lunch.
34:02Now.
34:03How long are you going to spend having lunch?
34:05You never want to rush lunch.
34:06An hour for lunch.
34:07And then I might have a nap.
34:09And then I'll go home.
34:10Meet you back here tomorrow.
34:11Meet you back here tomorrow.
34:12Come on.
34:19I can't deviate from the path.
34:22Me not.
34:34Ooh.
34:35I don't get it.
34:37Because it's easy to do something slowly.
34:41Stop the clock, is it?
34:42Okay.
34:43Okay.
34:43I'm going.
34:50Ah.
34:51I was heading off.
34:53Yeah.
34:54But then I thought, you know, overnight and stuff.
34:56That's just a step too far.
34:58There we go.
35:01Right, the flippers are on.
35:02The flippers are on.
35:04I've stopped the clock.
35:07APPLAUSE
35:11When they found out it's the longest task, Sanjeev just went for lunch for six hours and 19 minutes.
35:18We did, yeah, we did other tasks as well.
35:20I think, in many ways, your attempt was more in the spirit of the show in that you decided to
35:25give yourself extra tasks.
35:27The chopstick ladder.
35:28But it was to buy time.
35:30It seemed to be the right thing to do.
35:32Of course.
35:32Why sit there doing nothing?
35:34Why go for a nice lunch when you can make a chopstick ladder?
35:37And not deviate from the path.
35:40He's making his own rules.
35:43OK.
35:44That's the end of the third part of this Taskmaster chapter.
35:47In the final part of the show, Alex will be up on the stage wearing Princess Diana's revenge dress and
35:53a load of sausages.
35:55See you soon!
35:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:07Welcome back to the last part of the show.
36:10Alex, are we about to finally find out what the hell is going on in this current task?
36:15Well, Greg, I'm pleased to say we are, which is less good news for Rhys and Sanjeev.
36:22So let's get some answers with our dear friend Pam.
36:25That's Phil, Anya and Maisie. Pam, their initials spell Pam.
36:30Am I allowed out this ring?
36:31Mm, it's up to you.
36:43Can I open that?
36:48Every time you say the F word, F word, or F, your time is halved.
36:54Every time you say flipper, flippers or flour.
36:58Oh!
37:00It's so...
37:02Fuck!
37:05Every time one of your feet leaves a circle, your time is halved.
37:09I'm just confused as to why there's a ring.
37:11Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:12It's not mentioned in it, is it?
37:15Every time you laugh, your time is halved. Well, that's all right.
37:18I'm missing something.
37:22That was disappointing.
37:23I don't.
37:26You must put the flippers on within ten actual minutes of entering this room, or you will be disqualified.
37:33Ah.
37:33I was heading off.
37:36But then I thought, you know, overnight and stuff, but it's just at two o'clock.
37:42After reading this, you must immediately return to the circle, but I wasn't in the circle.
37:46Oh, so I don't have to get back in the circle because I wasn't there.
37:49You can't return somewhere you've not been.
37:51And the flippers must be where they were when you entered this room.
37:54Correct.
37:56There's a lot of rules here, Alex.
37:58Like, have a day off, do you know what I mean?
38:03You look like you know what you're doing.
38:05It's always the key thing, I think, is to look like you know what you're doing.
38:09I thought there was going to be something with the flowers.
38:12Oh!
38:15How do you know how to do a lasso knot?
38:17I don't.
38:20So I've got to wait until it's just about to go ten minutes and then put the flippers on.
38:24Oh!
38:26How long left, Alex?
38:27I can't tell you that, Maisie.
38:28You can't tell... What are you here for, then?
38:31I need to write down how many times you say flippers.
38:35There's something else I'm missing here.
38:39What am I missing?
38:46What am I... What is it?
38:55What am I missing?
39:02Oh, you...
39:03After reading this, you must immediately return to the circle.
39:06The flippers must be where they were when you entered this room.
39:08Yeah.
39:09Do you want to give me the flippers? We've got to put them back.
39:11What? So I'm going to start again?
39:13Yep.
39:14Oh, come on, I did the lasso thing!
39:17OK, I have all my supplies.
39:19How long have you been in this room?
39:20I think probably...
39:23Seven minutes.
39:24Oh, gee.
39:26Hey! Get them!
39:29Shall I stop the clock?
39:31Yeah.
39:31Stop the clock.
39:33Stop the clock?
39:34Yeah.
39:37Yeah, I'm not laughing anymore, either.
39:40I've stopped the clock.
39:42So I'll be leaving with my dignity.
39:52The next time you get asked to write a ten-word autobiography,
39:56that seven-minute thing's got to go in.
39:57Was that actually bad?
39:58It was uncanny, yeah.
39:59Really?
39:59It was as the minute ticked over.
40:01Wow.
40:02That's not funny, that's just cool.
40:05So I can tell you some stats, Greg.
40:07Tell me them.
40:08Maisie, when you read the instructions, panicked and put the flippers on in a total of three minutes and 52
40:15seconds, which we then have to halve ten times because of various problems.
40:20So you completed the task in 0.22 seconds.
40:24LAUGHTER
40:27Seriously?
40:27It's already better than Sanji's English.
40:31Anya, the human clock, finished it in nine minutes and 25 seconds.
40:36Whoa!
40:37Yeah.
40:40You only have to halve it seven times, so about four and a half seconds she completed the task.
40:44OK.
40:44Let's not bother halve in the next one.
40:47Well...
40:48Are we not leading to the joker being the winner?
40:52Phil.
40:53LAUGHTER
40:55I had to complete the task in ten minutes.
40:57He put the flippers on in ten minutes and five seconds.
41:00Oh!
41:01If you hadn't done the lassoing, if you hadn't done the lassoing, you would have done it in under ten
41:05minutes.
41:05But I'm afraid, like the older men, he is disqualified.
41:08Oh!
41:08So only two scorers in that?
41:10Only two scorers.
41:11It's four points to Maisie.
41:12Oh, I'll take that, yeah.
41:15Five points, Daniel!
41:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:19Let's have a quick look at the scores, then.
41:22Sanjeev is in the lead with 14 points!
41:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:27OK, everyone, will you all please...
41:31Uh...
41:32..stay put...
41:33Oh!
41:34..for the final task of the show!
41:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:48So, Greg, I think Phil should read the task.
41:51OK, here we go.
41:52Ahem.
41:53Find the age of the mystery person.
41:56You must stay on your seats at all times.
41:59You may ask one question at a time, going from oldest to youngest,
42:03and you may only say two numbers each.
42:06The person may only say yes or no.
42:09First person to say the correct age wins.
42:11So, there's someone behind that screen...
42:14Yep.
42:14..you've got to work out their age by asking them questions.
42:16The twist is you can only say two numbers throughout the whole thing.
42:20There will be only one winner of this task.
42:22One person takes away five points, the rest gets zero.
42:24Oh!
42:24Do you understand how high the stakes are now?
42:28I do.
42:28Wow.
42:29So, this time we're going oldest to youngest.
42:32Hello, Sanjeev.
42:33Thanks.
42:34You may ask our mystery person a question.
42:37Are you in your third decade?
42:40No.
42:41OK.
42:42Oh, come on!
42:43When you look in the mirror, do you think you look old?
42:47No.
42:49Right, we're off.
42:51Are you in a decade above the one Sanjeev mentioned?
42:55No.
42:56One is definitely a number.
42:57Oh, you mentioned a number!
42:58What?
42:59One is a number.
43:00One is a number.
43:00Oh, faff!
43:03So, three questions down, one number gone for Phil.
43:06Maisie, it's your turn.
43:07Were you alive for the moon landing?
43:09Oh.
43:11Yes.
43:12I was, er...
43:14One?
43:14Please don't help the contestant.
43:18Does your number start with letter S?
43:24Oh, that's a good one.
43:25Oh!
43:25Anya!
43:26Yes.
43:27Ooh!
43:28This is good.
43:29This is good.
43:31Are the two numbers...
43:33Oh!
43:36Well, you've only got one left, but you might as well finish this question.
43:40Are the two numbers in your age the same?
43:42No.
43:43Oh, this is lovely.
43:44It's a great question.
43:45You have sacrificed a number.
43:46This is lovely.
43:47Rhys?
43:47Are you 68?
43:49He's used a number.
43:50Oh, my.
43:50Is it worth it?
43:51No.
43:52Oh!
43:53God, it was bold, though.
43:55OK, we brought out 68.
43:56Is the letter that follows the other letter of your age an I?
44:07And that's not a Roman numeral.
44:10LAUGHTER
44:10That's not correct.
44:12No.
44:13Oh.
44:14Oh.
44:14Oh.
44:16Oh.
44:16I'm not sure a mystery person is complete.
44:19Do you mind asking the question again?
44:20Does the letter that follows the other letter you mentioned,
44:26from that part of your age, begin with the letter I?
44:32Yes.
44:33And I don't mean Roman numeral.
44:34I thought that deserved more than I.
44:37Is it deserved more?
44:38I don't understand the question
44:46It's the letter that follows the other letter that you mentioned to spell out your age
45:00It takes us down to one specific decade for sure can you ride the bus for free no
45:06So they can't ride the bus for free the bit that we've narrowed it down
45:12About is that number got curves
45:20Were you born after the Cuban Missile Crisis?
45:26There's the second number
45:29Rhyme
45:32With more
45:36I've done recently you would have given me what else well, it's magnanimous
45:41Just guess
45:5163 years old yes
45:54Yeah
45:58It's Quentin from series 13 and 18
46:006 for the 6, 6 for the 6, 6 for the 6, 6 for the 6, 6 for the 8
46:04And is that your real voice Quentin?
46:07I hope not.
46:09LAUGHTER
46:10Quentin, thank you so much for being our guest.
46:12We'll add up the scores and see how that affects the final scores.
46:15Goodbye!
46:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:18That was a high-octane round.
46:21LAUGHTER
46:22Is it on purpose that that number is written all over the house?
46:25Everything's on purpose.
46:2863 was the age of Quentin, which means that Phil wins five points!
46:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:34And so, sadly for Samjeev, who has not won an episode yet,
46:40he's come second in this one.
46:41The winner with 16 points is...
46:43Phil Ellis!
46:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:45Phil Ellis wins!
46:47Please head up to pick up some clothing for the person I'm loathing!
46:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:53Who he is?
46:54Your latest winner, Phil Ellis!
46:56And Vinnie Alex Hall!
46:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:16If you won't get room for $30,000, you'll decide.
47:21You'll come to the stand-up list.
47:21You'll be back on the seat.
47:21You'll be back.
47:22You'll be back.
47:22I'll be back.
47:22You'll be back.
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