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Beauty and the Beast X Parody (1988) [Full Movie] [Hot 2026]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:08Hello children, and now it's time for our story.
00:30I forget what I had to say, all I know is that you're the one for me.
00:41Oh, why do they say we were never meant to be?
00:49Oh, all I know is we have something no one else can see.
01:00Oh, in my eyes you're beautiful to me.
01:10Kisses are forever, and you never cry.
01:16And if you can't be next to me, I know you'll always try.
01:23Never mind the heartache, forget about the pain.
01:30And always...
01:32Once upon a time, there was a poor village, and in this village was a poor cottage.
01:38And in the cottage lived a very poor man, Lyle Notapenny.
01:43I'm not poor, I'm just...
01:45I'm between pictures.
01:47Yeah, right.
01:50Lyle Notapenny was a peddler, who often traveled to different realms to sell his wares.
01:56Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for him.
02:03Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for him.
02:04Excuse me.
02:05Yes?
02:07Uh, don't you think maybe the folks could just follow along on their own from here on out?
02:11They could probably figure things out, okay?
02:13Very well.
02:15She drives me crazy.
02:21Eliza, sweetheart, dear.
02:25Eliza, well, well, daughter.
02:30Beauty, excuse me.
02:32I just, I was going to just come and see you now.
02:34You know, I'm getting ready to go on my long journey and, like, say goodbye.
02:38I shall miss you, my father.
02:41Oh.
02:43Well, you know, how much I love you and I'd really like to get you, uh, you know, a special
02:48gift of some kind and bring it back from the trip and, you know, things for a little bit.
02:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, between pictures, I know.
02:54But you have already given me the greatest gift a father could give a daughter.
02:59To be raised in a wonderful, wholesome, clean home.
03:05Oh, well, I just, I, but I'd like to give you whatever you desire, you know, anything.
03:11I mean, I might do well.
03:12I could sell a good gross of leeches or a lot of, uh, I Survived the Plague t-shirts, you
03:18know, if it's possible.
03:19Well, I would like a rose.
03:24A beautiful rose.
03:26A rose?
03:28That would make me very happy.
03:30It's a rose.
03:31Oh, well, I'll see what I can do.
03:34I'll, I'll really try.
03:36Um, well, okay.
03:41Now, you beware of the lepers.
03:44Don't you let in any more trolls like you did last time, okay?
03:48That's fine, brother.
03:49Okay, fine.
03:50Brother, you have a nice journey.
03:51Yes, dearest.
03:53There you go.
03:55Yep.
03:56You can shove that in there later, sir.
03:58Yes.
03:59I sure have it.
04:00There's my hat.
04:01It's not quite this.
04:03Thank you, dear.
04:06Goodbye.
04:07Bye, Dad.
04:08Yes.
04:09Excuse me.
04:11Excuse me.
04:31Lyle, not a penny, started to make his way home.
04:34He had done quite poorly in his peddling, and to top it all off, a very clever con man had
04:41taken his last penny, he had sold him some beans.
04:45He had heard about a man, Jack, who climbed a beanstalk and made a fortune, but stupid Lyle
04:52didn't realize it was just a fairy tale.
05:02Finally, just when his tired feet could carry him no more, he came upon a beautiful castle.
05:26I wonder if the friendly baron dwells therein that might take a poor traveler who's had a
05:34long and weary voyage here.
05:38I'll check therein and see.
05:44Such are the wages of chivalry.
05:47You're a knight in shitty armor.
05:56As Shakespeare will say in about two hundred years, me thinks you'll protest too much.
06:01Why do you resist me so?
06:03After all, we're the same, you and I.
06:06Poor and passionate.
06:08I'll do better than you.
06:10You just wait and see.
06:12One day my love will come here and take me away from all this.
06:15But not before kicking your ass.
06:17We've worked here in close quarters for three years, and you still prefer some phantom prince
06:22to me.
06:23After all, a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.
06:27That's a bird, you lowlife.
06:29Everyone has their pet name for it.
06:33You know what you are?
06:34You're a knave and a scoundrel.
06:38You know my goal is to leave this dump, and to marry someone like our master, a handsome
06:43prince.
06:45But he isn't handsome.
06:47He's beastly.
06:49No, but deep inside he's beautiful.
06:53You'll say.
06:54Get back to work.
06:55I don't pay you six pence a week to rut like weasels on my floor.
06:59Yes, my lord.
07:00Yes, my lord.
07:01Yes, my lord.
07:03Go.
07:03Come on.
07:50My good woman, I'm a weary traveler who would see if he could stay here, get some lodging
07:57for after his long trip.
07:59Well, I don't see why not, but he's up to me now.
08:02Who's at the door, Deborah?
08:04I'm a weary traveler of great body and charm.
08:08Who wishes lodging for the evening?
08:11Do you play games?
08:14Uh, well, a little.
08:16I'm not very good at it.
08:18Great.
08:18Enter my good man.
08:25I must warn you, uh...
08:28Uh...
08:28Oh, oh, the floor's slippery.
08:31There's danger here.
08:32No, uh...
08:34I'm going to have to work for my supper.
08:36It's...
08:37I'll chop some wood.
08:38No, uh...
08:39No, I said, uh, expecting to get your name.
08:43Oh, I...
08:44Lyle, not a bend.
08:47Lyle, I must warn you.
08:50Master is very sensitive, and he has a short fuse.
08:53He mustn't gasp for she'll be any sort of evulsion when we first see his face.
08:58Why would I be so rude?
09:00My goodness, I mean, I'm not an old for she'll-mannered peasant.
09:04Hello, I'm Lord Beastington, and you are?
09:07I'm...
09:07Holy shit, Jesus Christ, Mother of God!
09:10Mr. Lau, holy shit, Jesus Christ, Mother of God.
09:14Interesting name.
09:17Religious, yet, uh, decadent.
09:22Problem?
09:25Um...
09:26Too big, too big!
09:27Oh, really?
09:28You know, I studied a little bit of dentistry in my youth.
09:32Here, let me see.
09:35Let me see.
09:39Not bad, not bad.
09:41Could use a little cleaning, and maybe some braces on those lower incisors.
09:48You know, most people think braces are for children.
09:51But I've worn them up until just recently.
09:54They've done wonders for my smile.
10:01Beautiful.
10:03Well, if I could be off to bed, I'm getting a little tired.
10:06Yes, uh, I've got the crack of dawn,
10:09so I'm probably going to be seeing you again.
10:11What's the rush?
10:12What's the rush?
10:13We could have something to...
10:16We could have something to...
10:18Something to eat.
10:21And maybe, perhaps, you could join me in a game or two.
10:28Well, I don't want to turn down your hospitality.
10:31What the fuck?
10:39Uh, sir, my...
10:40What game did you say this game was called?
10:43Oh, this game was invented by a friend of mine, Lord Parker, and his brother.
10:48It's called Monopoly.
10:51Here we go.
10:55Q-U-A-S-T-L-E
10:58Castle
10:58That's 30 points for me
11:00Castle
11:04Sir
11:04Sire
11:05Is that not
11:07Quassel
11:10It's kind of like Quassel to me
11:13No, it's Castle
11:14Q-U-A-S-T-L-E
11:15Castle
11:17Isn't Castle like
11:19Sea?
11:21What's the matter?
11:22Can't you see?
11:22Castle
11:23Q-U-A-S-T-L-E
11:24Castle
11:25What's the matter?
11:25You can't see?
11:26No, no, I
11:27What's wrong with you?
11:29Are you doubting my intelligence?
11:31No, I'm not
11:33No, sir
11:34Of course not
11:35Sire
11:36Looks good to me
11:37Good
11:3730 points
11:38Castle
11:3840 points for you
11:3930 points
11:40It's enough
11:41Just what I get
11:42It's your turn
11:43Yes, sir
11:44Sire
11:52S-H-E-R
11:54W-O-O-D
11:56Sherwood
11:57Sherwood Forrest
11:58Just like Sherwood Forrest
12:00I win again
12:04But that's
12:06I don't think
12:07That's not a proper noun
12:08It's not
12:11It's a proper noun
12:12It's proper
12:12Sherwood Forrest
12:13Is proper
12:14What's the matter with you?
12:14No, no, it's a word
12:15Yes, it's a good word
12:16It's a word
12:17But the
12:18Capital letters
12:19For Forrest
12:20Sherwood
12:22The capitals
12:23Look, capitals
12:24G, capital G
12:26There's a capital M here, right?
12:28Is that a capital?
12:29That's a capital
12:30Capital M, right?
12:31It's a capital to me
12:32What's the matter with you?
12:33Yeah, far be it from me
12:36But something is
12:38Not quite
12:38I don't understand you
12:40You're always complaining
12:41About when I make a word
12:42You shouldn't do that
12:43Yes
12:44Sherwood Forrest
12:45Is a word
12:46What's the matter with you?
12:47Just like a word
12:48I win
12:48Come on
12:48Did I tell you
12:50That I have
12:51A new set of thumbscrews?
12:53Oh
12:55Looks good to me
12:56Yes
12:58I win again
12:59You win again
12:59That's right
13:00Stupid me
13:01Another mistake
13:04Well, it's getting late
13:06I'm gonna have to give it up
13:07We're bad here
13:08Come on
13:09We can play another game
13:10We only agree
13:10It was over so fast
13:11Oh, that's
13:12No, you're just too good
13:14I'm losing everything
13:15It's stupid me
13:16Make all these mistakes
13:17But you're improving
13:19Look, you got wife here
13:20Yeah, I got wife
13:23Well, I think I should just
13:25Leave it at that
13:26You know
13:26And take off to bed
13:27I'm not so good
13:28I sort of warned you before
13:29I'm not really good at games
13:31And you're really good, boy
13:33I'll tell you
13:33You're the best I've ever run across
13:35All right
13:40I'll join you for breakfast at dawn
13:42On the very early rises
13:44Oh, good
13:46Lord Beast
13:47Thank you
13:50Tomorrow?
13:55Sure was a word, huh?
13:57It's crazy
13:58That's crazy
14:03That guy is ugly
14:06How the hell am I ever gonna get to sleep?
14:12Hades, Hades, Hades
14:16Up walking all day long
14:18Trying to sell leeches
14:19Doesn't do a bit of good
14:20Nobody wants leeches in this day and time
14:25I gotta think of something beautiful
14:27I don't wanna have nightmares all night long
14:29Nightmares, I hate nightmares
14:31Think of being shish kebab by unicorns
14:34Oh, gremlins
14:37I know
14:41I'll think of my daughter, Beauty
14:44No
14:45This time of night
14:46I better not think of Beauty
14:47I know
14:51I'll think of the Queen
14:55Sheer a little high there, maybe
14:58I know
15:00I'll think of that whore at Wimbledon
15:03After the tennis
15:04I was happy to be leaving that ugly baron's domain
15:08Goodbye, Lord Beast
15:10Beastings
15:10Thanks a lot
15:14You won't regret taking those leeches off my hand
15:17They're good steel
15:26As Lion was about to leave the grounds of Beastland
15:29He passed a rosebush filled with beautiful pink roses
15:34Remembering the request of his daughter, Beauty
15:36He plucked one of the roses
15:45Hey
15:46Hey
15:46Hey
15:49Who gave you permission to pick that rose?
15:51Well, I just thought it was, you know
15:53I give you room and board
15:55My maid bucks your brains out
15:56When you steal a rose from me
15:58I should put you in my dungeon
16:00Give you a good thrashing
16:01Well, I meant no harm
16:02It's just that my beautiful, beauteous daughter, Beauty
16:05Asked that I bring her a rose
16:07A little, nice little rose
16:08And I can't give my daughter the finer things in life
16:12Very well, very well
16:14I'll not thrash you
16:17You're a beautiful human being, you know
16:19Unconditioned
16:20That you're beautiful, beauteous daughter, Beauty
16:22Visit my home for a few days
16:25Oh, well, Beauty is very fine and delicate
16:28I'm afraid that she would be maybe a little afraid, you understand
16:37Did I mention to you that I have snakes in my dungeon?
16:43Beauty, be right over
16:44Take the first ox cart down, I'll send it right over
16:46All right, good
16:47And if you don't make good on your promise
16:56Have a nice day
17:05Dodgers, I've returned
17:07Oh, Father, Father, I have missed you so
17:10Beauty
17:12Look what I have brought you
17:14Oh, it's so beautiful
17:17Smell it
17:20Where is Eliza?
17:22Well, where else?
17:24Oh
17:34Sit down, Beauty
17:44Can we talk?
17:45Of course
17:47You know that, that really beautiful rose that I brought back for you?
17:51Yeah
17:52Yeah, well, it wasn't exactly free
17:56You see, I got a little bit tired on the trip
17:58And I took this break and stayed at this mansion
18:00Lyle explained everything
18:02Well, almost everything
18:04About the house, the hideous Lord Beastland, and so forth
18:09But since you know all that, we thought you might want to know what's going on in Eliza's room
18:16And so would I
18:19But it's only going to be a couple of days
18:22A couple of days, sweetheart
18:24Oh, it sounds awful
18:25It sounds terrible, Papa
18:27Please don't make me do it
18:30Father
18:31Did you bring me any gifts?
18:33Uh
18:35I'm afraid, dear daughter, I didn't
18:39My trip wasn't too bound to fall
18:40It was
18:41You wiener
18:44What's the matter with little Miss Muffet?
18:47It's terrible
18:48A wealthy baron insists that I come and spend a few days at his house
18:52Because Father picked one of his roses for me
18:57Rich baron?
18:58What are we waiting for?
19:01Uh, well, I'm afraid he only requested beauty
19:03Do you know the psychological damage that you do to me when you favor her all the time?
19:08You don't understand
19:09This baron is an extremely ugly, hideous guy
19:13Hey, he's rich
19:15I mean, how bad can he be?
19:17Hmm, Q-U-A, Mr. P-L-E
19:19Castle, I'm only thin, he's a classic
19:21Where do you get a classic from?
19:23A classic
19:24Very strange, man
19:25Nice, man
19:26A pretty classic, an awkward person
19:36Jesus H. Christ, son of a bitch
19:39Art, you have a different name from your father
19:42Perhaps you'd like to freshen up before a...
19:47Before a...
19:48Before a...
19:48Before a...
19:50Dinner
19:52I'll take you to your room
19:54The beast was immediately charmed by the virginal beauty
19:58Eliza, of course, was quite jealous
20:03My dear
20:09Tell me
20:10Do you know anything about Monopoly?
20:15Come
20:16I'll show you
20:21I'll show you
20:21It's very easy
20:23It's a game with words
20:24See
20:26Spell words
20:29What's a quassel?
20:30What do you mean quassel?
20:31It's castle
20:32Q-U-A-S-T-L-E
20:33Castle
20:34What's the matter to you?
20:35You're just like your father
20:39Meat
20:40My favorite
20:41My favorite
20:43Mmm
20:44Mmm
20:59continuar
21:00everywhere
21:00Ah!
21:02Ah!
21:04Ah!
21:06Ah!
21:07Ah!
21:07Ah!
21:07Ah!
21:09Ah!
21:21Finished?
21:23Yes!
21:24Yes!
21:25Dessert?
21:26No.
21:27No thanks.
21:28No for me.
21:29Are you sure?
21:30Oh yeah.
21:31No, no, no.
21:32I can't eat sweets.
21:34It's alright.
21:35Yeah.
21:36Be gone.
21:36Be gone.
21:40Ah!
21:42Beauty.
21:44Why don't we have some brandy and some more Monopoly?
21:51As you please, sire.
21:53You know, I'd really like some brandy right about now.
21:56I was speaking only to beauty.
22:00You may retire for the evening.
22:07Ah!
22:08Beauty.
22:13Ah!
22:14It's often said that beauty is only skin deep when ugliness goes to the ground.
22:21Do you believe that?
22:22Certainly not.
22:25I have so much love and passion inside me.
22:29But my ugliness prevents anyone from seeing it.
22:33That's very sad.
22:35People don't realize that the beautiful diamond is embedded in dark black coal.
22:40Yeah.
22:41Yeah.
22:42And the ugly caterpillar becomes the beautiful butterfly.
22:47And the gnarled sticks and twigs of winter make way for the roses of spring.
22:52And those sticky little wrinkled little babies become fully grown adult things and people and birds.
23:02Are you finished?
23:04No.
23:04Quite.
23:05I agree with you.
23:05You agree with me.
23:07Oh, beauty.
23:09So many times in my life I've met women who have completely rebelled and won't even speak to me.
23:14It's you.
23:17You're different.
23:19Beauty, could you?
23:21Could you find it in your heart, too?
23:25Make love to me.
23:27Oh, no.
23:28Wait a minute.
23:28Oh, please, beauty.
23:30Please.
23:30I would be so grateful.
23:33Listen, I'm nice and I'm empathetic and you know all that, but I'm sorry.
23:38I just, I can't.
23:40I'm sorry.
23:42I'm your one.
23:43I shouldn't be sorry.
23:43I was wrong to ask.
23:46Let's enjoy the fire and the heat.
24:00I can't.
24:03To Kamali.
24:04Hyah.
24:05…
24:23Why does that bitch have all the luck?
24:26I mean, why can't I have a rich landowner?
24:31Would you settle for a rich landowner's son?
24:34Of course.
24:37Who are you?
24:39Just as I said.
24:40The master's my father.
24:43Fortunately, I got me mother's looks, though.
24:46Lucky for you.
24:49You know, you really are quite attractive.
24:52Much more than your sister.
24:56Well, you shouldn't have said the right things.
25:01Do you believe in love at first sight?
25:11You think he might not come?
25:15Constantly.
25:17Why is it that we sit around waiting for some man to come along to take care of us?
25:26Men are such great treasures.
25:29No, they aren't.
25:30I mean, sure, we have Beastie downstairs, but most men, they're coarse, hairy, and rough.
25:41They're not smooth and silky.
25:44They're not smooth and silky.
25:47Or curvaceous.
25:50And sleek.
25:54They're supple.
25:56And round.
25:59And understanding.
26:03Giving.
26:06I mean, man doesn't even...
26:09Farewell, Lord Beast in town.
26:12You have been most gracious.
26:15Oh, precious beauty.
26:19Please, I will ask one more time, and I will not ask again.
26:25Just one brief moment of love-making.
26:28Please, and I will comfort and care for you for the rest of your life and give anything your heart
26:33deserves.
26:34Anything.
26:38Lord Beast in town, you are so charming and brilliant and witty, but I'm sorry, I cannot.
26:48Oh, no.
26:50Oh, no.
26:51Why me?
26:54What's the matter with him?
26:56Did he find a zit on his nose this morning?
26:58No.
27:00He's offered to marry me and take care of me for the rest of my life.
27:04And bestow great riches upon me.
27:06If only I would make love to him.
27:08And I refuse.
27:12Why you?
27:14Why you?
27:15Oh.
27:16There, there, Lord Beast in the night.
27:18There, there.
27:19I'll make love to you.
27:21That is, if the deal's still on, you know, about the taking care of you.
27:27You got a paper bag?
27:30Oh, my daughter, did you return safely?
27:35Oh.
27:36Did anybody call for me while I was gone?
27:38Uh, yes.
27:39They're all waiting for you now.
27:41Little John, Friar Tuck, Robin, and Maid Marian?
27:45Well, Robin Hood and Friar Tuck called.
27:48They'll be a little bit late from Sherwood Forest.
27:50But, uh, little John and Maid Marian, they're, uh, right.
27:53Wow.
27:59What is wrong, my dear?
28:02Is the beast's ugliness emblazoned on your brain the way it is on mine?
28:07Well, indeed, he's quite ugly on the outside.
28:11But on the inside, he's a man of great wit, sensitivity, romance.
28:18He used to love to build a fire, and we would sit by it.
28:21And he would talk.
28:23You must have done some incredible speaking.
28:25You did.
28:28Well, then why aren't thou, uh, melancholy, my guest?
28:31I'm not sure.
28:33I turned him down when he wanted to make love to me.
28:37Jesus, H Christ!
28:39You're right to turn him down.
28:41You'd regret it the rest of your life if you did.
28:43But don't you see?
28:44I turned him down merely because he was physically ugly.
28:48I can dig it.
28:50But he wept so bitterly.
28:52You know, he's a man of great sensitivity.
28:55I hurt him.
28:56Now I feel so bad.
28:58My naive one.
29:00Men will beg, and they will plead, and they will cry for the charms of a beautiful woman.
29:06But I cared for him.
29:07I cared for what he was on the inside.
29:10Don't you see?
29:11He genuinely cared for me.
29:13It's true.
29:14Sometimes you have to dig a little more deeply for true beauty.
29:18Father, I must return to him.
29:21I just cannot be true to myself if I don't.
29:25Fine, but if you'd fall in love, and if you'd be a Mary, and, uh, would you consider adoption?
29:31Possibly.
29:34A kid.
29:35So beauty returned as fast as she could to Beastland to fulfill her destiny.
29:46Lord Beastington.
29:49You, you're out.
29:50You, beauty, you've returned.
29:53Yes, I've returned my life.
29:54Oh, you have.
29:57But, why?
30:00You mean...
30:03Oh, beauty.
30:05Oh, may I undress you?
30:10Oh, let me do it.
30:14Oh.
30:18Oh.
30:23Oh, my God, it worked.
30:25It worked.
30:27Beauty, I love you.
30:30You're so...
30:32You're incredibly handsome.
30:36Sure, compared to before.
30:38You see, years ago, a spell was put on me by a wicked witch.
30:43And it could only be removed if a beautiful...
30:47and kind woman
30:51who really and truly cared for me
30:53and made love to me.
30:56That's remarkable.
30:59I guess sometimes being a self-sacrificing,
31:03guilt-ridden ninny
31:05pays off.
31:07Absolutely.
31:10Beauty,
31:12will you marry me?
31:14Yes.
31:16Oh, yes.
31:17Mm-hmm.
31:23Ah, well.
31:24Here we are.
31:26This...
31:27is my grade school.
31:29PS 48.
31:31Charm.
31:32And over here...
31:37This...
31:38is my father.
31:42I see the resemblance.
31:45Over here...
31:47is my pen done.
31:53Here...
31:57my window.
31:59What a pain.
32:01Why didn't I ever think of fucking him?
32:04It was a beast.
32:09Hmm.
32:19Oh, my good woman.
32:21Have you a room for a wealthy adventurer
32:24upon whom a witch has cast a horrible spell?
32:29Right this way.
32:36Yes, yes.
32:38Oh, my very own beast.
32:42Wait.
32:42I can't get this mask off.
32:45Help me, please.
32:45I can't get this mask off.
32:47It's crazy.
32:48It's hot in here.
32:49Please.
32:51That's rough.
32:52I can't get that.
32:54And there you have it, my children.
32:56Everyone came.
32:58Or at least, almost everyone.
33:02I can't get it.
33:03I can't get it.
33:04I can't get it.
33:12I can't get it.
33:15I can't get it.
33:17I can't get it.
33:22I can't get it.
33:24I can't get it.
33:27I can't get it.
33:28I can't get it.
33:30I can't get it.
33:31I can't get it.
33:34I can't get it.
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