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Hacks S05E01-2 [Full Movie] [English Subs]Full EP - Full
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00:05To be continued...
00:45Oh, God, look at this.
00:53She has risen!
00:56Oh, no!
00:58I was never dead.
01:00TMZ got a bad tip.
01:01They issued a retraction this morning.
01:03But they said they carried your body off a boat in Singapore
01:05and you didn't make it.
01:06What?
01:07They said they carried your body off a boat in Singapore
01:11and you didn't make it.
01:13No, yeah.
01:14No, no, no.
01:14I didn't make it to the hospital.
01:17I came to it in the ambulance.
01:19I had them reroute me to my hotel.
01:21Hallelujah!
01:24We didn't want to believe it,
01:25that it made sense because of your,
01:26you know, your...
01:28your breakdown.
01:30My breakdown?
01:31Yeah.
01:32At late night,
01:33it was all over the news
01:35that you went...
01:36cuckoo.
01:42Debra Vance is alive!
01:43What?!
01:45What?!
01:45What?!
01:45Hey, save it!
01:49Get him!
01:51My, me, me, me!
01:53Oh, oh, thank you, people!
01:56It!
01:58Motherfuckers!
01:59These headlines are horrible.
02:02How Debra Vance lost her way and lost late night in the process.
02:05Oh, diva down.
02:07Talk show host's bizarre behavior raises serious concerns.
02:11Ever since she went to Singapore, Bob Lipka has been smearing you in the press.
02:14But I defended you in all the comments with my burner at Joyce Goldblood Chang.
02:18Oh my god, Debra Vance is on air break.
02:21Why they cut the feed before her meltdown.
02:23What?
02:23That's a bad one.
02:24Oh, once an arsonist, always an arsonist.
02:26Debra Vance burns down late night?
02:28My god, I knew that social media detox was going to bite me in the ass.
02:32First, I was tagging some very unflattering photos.
02:34Now this?
02:35There are hundreds of these.
02:37Where are all the articles calling me a free speech warrior?
02:39Well, there were some positive ones, but they've been buried.
02:42Well, of course.
02:42Because that bastard owns almost every news outlet.
02:45Oh my god.
02:46I think we've all read the stories.
02:47Speaking of.
02:48Yeah, it's tragic.
02:49Of course, I wish Debra had spoken to us first, but hey, it is a tough gig.
02:53Oh.
02:54Not everyone's built for it.
02:56We all just hope she gets well.
02:58Gets well?
02:59Gets well?
02:59Gets well?
03:01No wonder the obituary was so bad.
03:03They needed someone to blame, so they blamed me, the crazy lady.
03:06It's a fucking house fire all over again.
03:09We need to sue, okay?
03:10And we need to get these websites to issue a retraction.
03:13I don't think that's good.
03:13No.
03:14Damage is already done.
03:16Fuck.
03:16We need to shift the narrative with something bigger than all of this.
03:20Like what?
03:22I'll figure something out.
03:30Sorry, that's bad.
03:32We need to do a couple's costume for Halloween.
03:37Well, what are you thinking?
03:38Or Lisa or...
03:39Knock, knock.
03:40Hey.
03:41May I?
03:42Sure.
03:45Regret to inform you that Jeff Dunham is signing elsewhere.
03:49Fuck!
03:50But the meeting went so well, I even got along with a stupid-ass puppet.
03:53All of our meetings go well.
03:54And then they find out we can't do business with Bob Lipka's companies and they ghost us.
03:57Well, it doesn't help that our client list is older female and losing bone density by
04:01the minute, Jimmy.
04:02You don't have to tell me twice.
04:03We lost two clients to Bad Falls this month alone.
04:05It's sad.
04:06And I don't want to visit the hospital again.
04:08Parking is a nightmare.
04:09I didn't want to tell you this, but we lost Lassie.
04:13The dog signed somewhere else?
04:14No, I mean we literally lost her.
04:16She ran away.
04:17And she's not fixed, Jimmy.
04:18She's probably taking loads of every pity from here to Santa Clarita, stupid whore.
04:21All right, look.
04:22I know this isn't popular.
04:23No one's going to want to hear this.
04:24But I think we should revisit the conversation about downsizing this office.
04:27No!
04:27We're not downsizing.
04:29Don't make me say that again.
04:31Kayla, the office.
04:32The rent.
04:33The phones.
04:34The insurance.
04:34It costs $30,000 a month to be here.
04:36It's worth it.
04:37We're projecting success to the industry.
04:39I mean, there's already nasty gossip going around about us ever since you beat the shit
04:42out of Bob Lipko.
04:42I didn't beat the shit out of him.
04:44I just knocked his phone out of his hand.
04:45We had a little scuffle.
04:46The assistant slack is still a buzz, boss.
04:48Not good.
04:49If we move now, it's a death bill.
04:52Okay.
04:53Fine.
04:54It's Damien.
04:55Says Deborah wants to have lunch in Vegas this afternoon.
04:57Oh my god.
04:58The last minute flights are going to be so expensive.
04:59This is what I'm talking about.
05:00Do you know what's free?
05:01The BMW.
05:02Which I just had vacuumed.
05:03It's spotless.
05:04You could eat an omakasi off the dash.
05:06Sure, but if we're going to drive and be there at lunch, we've got to go now.
05:08Road trip.
05:09I'll drive.
05:10Don't worry.
05:10I just got my license.
05:11Just?
05:12Shotgun.
05:13Okay.
05:13I guess I'll sit in the back of my own car.
05:15I'm going to go with me.
05:16All right.
05:19Come on.
05:22Wake up!
05:22Woo!
05:24I figured it out.
05:25What time is it?
05:27Actually, what day is it?
05:28Every obituary leads with a person's greatest achievement or failure.
05:32That's why I need a win.
05:33A legacy-defining win that they cannot spin.
05:35Okay.
05:36I refuse to be remembered on other people's terms as a quitter or the person who killed
05:40late night or some hysterical woman.
05:42I have worked too hard and I have fought far too long.
05:45I will be remembered for my accomplishments.
05:48Yes.
05:49So I have decided to EGOT.
05:54Uh, EGOT?
05:55Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony.
05:56Oh, I know.
05:57Well, actually, I didn't.
05:58I thought the G was for a Golden Globe, but I love that.
06:01I love that!
06:02Oh, good.
06:03I kind of assumed you'd think it was crazy.
06:05No.
06:06I think it'd be crazy if you did not do that.
06:08Right?
06:09Great!
06:09Come on, get up.
06:10We're on lunch with the team.
06:11Now!
06:12Lunch?
06:13I'm still on Singapore Standard Time.
06:17Midnight Snack would be good.
06:31Let's try!
06:31It's mayo alive!
06:33It's hard, but it's worth it.
06:36I mean, I know EGOT is ambitious, but I'm already halfway there.
06:39I have a daytime Emmy for hosting Begongle.
06:42Yes!
06:42Oh, my God.
06:43Begongle.
06:43Yeah.
06:44Wait, what?
06:44Oh, Begongle was a game show on the USA Network in 1992, where celebrities played Boggle on
06:50a constantly shaking floor.
06:51So funny.
06:52And I already have my Tony for producing.
06:53You know, post-coital haze, Eric Idle convinced me to put some money into Spamalot.
06:57Anyway, I already have my T and my E, so now I need you to get me my O.
07:04O.
07:05Well, O was for Oscar.
07:06No, I know what O stands for.
07:07I just meant O, like, a reaction.
07:09Oh, that's crazy!
07:10Wow!
07:11Anyway, Debra, I'm going to have to review your contract, because I have to see what you
07:14can even do legally.
07:16Busman, permission to speak?
07:18Sure.
07:19Now, the network paid out Debra's contract, and they did it all through her exclusivity
07:22clause, not the non-compete.
07:24Technically, she can't do anything scripted or paid.
07:26TV, film, no new media.
07:27They control her socials.
07:28No live public performances.
07:30And the contract specifies Florida law governs.
07:33And because Debra already signed her injunctive relief clause, if she violates the contract,
07:36they can come out of her with a restraining order, or worse!
07:39You memorized all that?
07:41Inadvertently, I mean...
07:41Someone recently told me they thought I was autistic.
07:44That was me this morning.
07:45Oh, yeah!
07:46Anyway, she can technically still film something out, as long as it's not released until the
07:50non-compete is over.
07:51I like this young man.
07:53The thing about the Oscars...
07:53No, no, Jimmy, it's not that difficult.
07:56I mean, award voters love it when funny people go dead serious.
07:59Just find me my Monique moment.
08:01Oh, well, I can set you up as a few rolls, but...
08:02Oh, now, on to the grounds.
08:03Tragically, I have been nominated for my stand-up record seven times I have never won.
08:07Seven?
08:08It was seven.
08:09A Lot of Ants in Hell, Hunt of an Eye for Over the Drama, Live at the Mall of America,
08:14Your Lester Diaries, Live Free Your Diet, The Death Commandments, and The Best Things
08:19in Life are at Sears.
08:20Different bands live, sponsored by Sears.
08:22So, yeah, seven.
08:23Robbed.
08:23Now, I know I can't do stand-up right now, so I'm taking a different route.
08:26I'm going to compete in the best audiobook category by recording my memoir.
08:30You wrote a memoir?
08:31That's great.
08:32Well, no, not yet.
08:32But I happen to know the best writer in the world.
08:36Oh.
08:37Tony Kushner.
08:39Hey, what about me?
08:40You can't write my memoir.
08:41You're too obsessed with me.
08:42It's cool.
08:43I gave up on developing my prose skills when I realized Gen Alpha can't read.
08:47All right, everybody, let's go.
08:48G-O stands for Grammy, Oscar.
08:51Yeah.
08:52I'm not scared.
08:53Woo!
08:53A Grammy and an Oscar favor.
08:56No, I know, okay?
08:57But you don't understand how bad it got in Singapore.
08:59She was sleeping all day.
09:01She was drinking till noon.
09:01Jimmy, she wore Crocs in public.
09:04Did the Crocs have a heel?
09:05No.
09:06But she keeps her heels on during surgery.
09:08Yeah, so that's why whatever she wants to do, we need to get on board, okay?
09:12Okay.
09:12Yeah.
09:13And you know what?
09:14I guess she has done crazier things, right?
09:15Yes, of course.
09:17She can do anything.
09:18We can do anything.
09:19Speaking of which, I need you to write and sell a huge international hit that has potential
09:23for sequels.
09:24Can you do that?
09:25I...
09:25Look, I would never normally pressure a client to help our firm financially, but we really
09:30need a...
09:31We've had a tough few months.
09:33Jimmy, she gave up the show for me.
09:35You know, I have to stay and help her.
09:36I'm sorry.
09:37No, no, no.
09:37I get that.
09:39Actually, I did finish my Mall Girl script in Singapore.
09:41I can send you that.
09:42Amazing.
09:43Okay, great.
09:44You send me that, and I guess I'll go get Deborah an Academy Award?
09:49Perfect.
09:50Great to see you.
09:56Mr. Kushner, I just want to say, it's such an honor to observe the writing process of
10:02one of my heroes.
10:03I mean, Angels in America was just, yeah, so formative for me.
10:06Oh, that's sweet.
10:07She's just shadowing, so feel free to ignore her.
10:09I often do.
10:10Oh.
10:11So, Tony, where do we start?
10:13I'm thinking a chapter a day, 15 chapters.
10:15We should be able to wrap this up in two weeks.
10:17Easy.
10:18Oh, we're going to need far longer than that.
10:20I really believe in an immersive process.
10:23Oh.
10:24Okay.
10:25Well, I don't tend to love those whiny childhood parts of most celebrity memoirs, but then again,
10:32I was a very strong child.
10:34I held up my own head at three months old.
10:36My little blonde head.
10:37Oh, wow.
10:37I know.
10:38Oh, that would make a great opening sentence.
10:41Quote, I was born blonde.
10:43I actually want to start way before that.
10:46Since your people descend from Scotland, I've been reading The Lion in the North, 1,000 years
10:53of Scotland's history.
10:54Did you know that your eighth great grandfather was a prominent figure in the Battle of Glen
11:00Fruin?
11:01I didn't.
11:02It's really fascinating stuff.
11:04It starts with the McGregor clan.
11:05They were in a feud with the Coughlin clan over cattle thefts and land thefts.
11:09It's like the beginning of the 17th century when James VI, there was a big homo, moved
11:14to England to become James I, and it was the start of the Jacobean era, and then the
11:19translation of the D.J.
11:20Five.
11:25Okay.
11:26What if Debra produces a documentary short?
11:28That's got to be an easy category, right?
11:29There's no way Debra's getting into that category this year.
11:32Do you see how many ongoing lores we have going on right now?
11:35There's at least a nominee coming out of each.
11:38Unless Debra wants to drag a film crew through the Congo, it's not happening.
11:42God, this is impossible.
11:43It is.
11:44Is it, though?
11:45Because correct me if I'm wrong, there already is a movie with early Oscar buzz that Debra
11:48has a connection to.
11:49Which one?
11:50The Fatty Arbuckle movie, Jimmy.
11:52The one you're producing.
11:53Hello?
11:54Yeah, no.
11:55That's the only project we have without Debra or a rabid dog attached.
11:58Absolutely not, no.
11:59And dare I say I'm proud of my work on it.
12:01Thank you very much.
12:02It's an awards season dream.
12:04It's a biopic.
12:05It's got famous actors playing a game's type.
12:07It's a period piece.
12:08It's got everything.
12:09She just seems a small part.
12:10Do you know that Beatrice Strait won the Oscar for Network despite having only five minutes
12:14of screen time?
12:14Five minutes!
12:16I didn't know that.
12:16I had no idea.
12:17But it doesn't matter.
12:18We're already finished shooting.
12:19Don't we have to do reshoots?
12:20No, we are doing additional photography.
12:22Reshoot!
12:22We are doing additional photography that's different than a reshoot.
12:24A different thing.
12:24Mr. Plummer was nominated for a performance done entirely within additional photography.
12:31Wow.
12:31How do you know all this stuff?
12:32Once I started learning about Hollywood, I couldn't stop.
12:35Such a fascinating mix of culture and business and art and history.
12:39It's America.
12:40I mean, maybe if she was Australian, I could see it.
12:42Mm.
12:43But, no, look.
12:45The Arbuckle movie is the only thing that's going well for her.
12:48I can't mess it up.
12:49All right.
12:49Whatever you say.
12:50Maybe she could learn sound mixing and rise to the top of her field in the next two weeks?
12:55The worst idea I've ever heard.
12:57Hey, there are no bad ideas, but...
12:58No, it's okay.
12:59I probably shouldn't have said anything.
13:02Fuck!
13:03You've got to be more sensitive to her, okay?
13:05Kayla?
13:05Kayla, honey, it's okay.
13:07You know what?
13:07There are no bad ideas in a brainstorm.
13:08And it's really hard to get an Oscar.
13:17Okay, so today, let's start with high school.
13:20I was gorgeous, smart, and popular.
13:22College, same.
13:23Now, that's when Frank came in.
13:24Before we get into that, let me just play you something.
13:28I stood there, shivering in my pajamas and...
13:31I think this is the soundtrack for the first chapter of the book.
13:34I was all over.
13:35I said to myself...
13:36Books don't have soundtracks.
13:37No, the soundtrack I'll listen to while I write that section of your life.
13:42Oh my god, that is such a cool way to do it.
13:45God, when I write, I just change out of my sleep pajamas to my daytime pajamas.
13:50Maybe close your eyes to really feel it?
13:54I don't know.
13:55I have a Pulitzer.
14:11Oh, I love this song.
14:14Hi, Tony.
14:15is that all there is is that all there is if that's all there is my friends then let's keep
14:29dancing oh fatty i can't be alone i wish i could hold you just one more time
14:42i can't believe i'm saying this but deborah actually would be better for this part
14:45uh yeah anybody would let's cut i'm sorry guys i'm i'm really having trouble accessing the
14:52emotions today no no no darling you're doing fantastic we love it i hate it she's so bad
14:59yeah she's been horrible all day do you think that maybe she'd be better if we put peanut butter
15:03on the roof of her mouth what we recently did the last reboot she's getting i think
15:07i'm not kidding i hope look i hate to say this but i do think we should recast her you
15:12do
15:12that's a good idea i mean this movie's about a comedian right it's leaning a little maudlin
15:17i think you should put a comedian in the role right what about deborah vance it's interesting
15:24does she act at all are you kidding she was the lead of who's making dinner groundbreaking sitcom
15:28in the 70s she's great enough it's crazy her story is exactly like fatty's i mean she was
15:33cast aside by the public she was maligned but then she rose from the ashes it's actually really good
15:37for the narrative and i think she'd be amazing in the park that was very inspiring kayla i just
15:40totally came up with it didn't she go crazy or something we saw no no that was a coordinated
15:44campaign that is absolutely false i can tell you all those things you grab something not true
15:49she's sassier than ever okay great i love it let's do it okay oh my god and you have to
15:54fire
15:54as me because i'm not good at being direct with people you're a director i know okay
16:00great go moving on everyone all right moving on god i can't believe you're recording the book
16:07already oh no the book's not happening i fired kushner you fired tony kushner hmm oh deborah
16:16god i was gonna slowly develop a relationship with him over the course of years and then
16:19eventually ask him to read my script and he was gonna love it you know how it is with men
16:23if they're
16:23not moving at your pace it just gets boring and painful after a while okay so why are we in
16:27a recording
16:28studio then i had mackenzie run the numbers to see if i could still get a grammy this year
16:34deborah we talked about you not using mackenzie you said i could do it if it was for a good
16:38cause
16:39no i didn't well it is and i did apparently it is an incredibly weak year for one grammy category
16:46regional mexican music album including tejano and and if i'm featured with the frontrunner and they win
16:53which said well because it's a weak year i get my g yay hey deborah we're ready for you thanks
17:06did you know about this yes
17:10hi hi how are you doing good all right yeah hit it
17:36oh god i hate firing people let's do good cop bad cop i'll be bad cop they're sexier
17:42okay just okay we should see a concert soon i'm kind of in the mood for a concert
17:48all right
17:51hi there it's uh jimmy and kayla yeah hi hi i need to talk to you honey okay sure come
17:59on in
17:59oh thank you so much for welcoming us into your space of course um we should start by saying that
18:07you madam have been just so punctual
18:11of course i'm punctual that being said you're bad you're acting's ass and you're being outperformed
18:18by a dead corpse mama okay sorry about her give us a second that was insane but honestly it's on
18:23me i should have never let you be bad cop you be good cop okay kind of an oxymoron though
18:27fucking pigs just be as nice as you possibly can okay okay i'll be the nicest girl in the whole
18:32world sorry about that hun i'm super bipolar oh my god i did not know that um yeah i uh
18:40i'm really
18:41sorry about that but unfortunately i do have some bad news okay who's your real lips if so your
18:47boyfriend's one lucky son of a bitch i i i have a wife oh gay ass listen there's no easy
18:54way to say
18:55this you are being recast what oh my god you are terminated effective immediately please pack up
19:01your things and return your costume and the wig cap fuck you jimmy seriously what i mean this is so
19:07unfair right insane wrong let's get the union involved you jackass no we're not getting the union involved
19:13we're just recasting it happens every day seriously you've been mistreated in the workplace no she
19:16hasn't this is just a recasting happens every day in hollywood i've never seen something like this
19:20it happens a lot okay unfortunately this decision is final you're fired but you're also signed by us
19:26as a client really mhm kayla i am seeking representation well you found it with schaefer
19:33and lusak welcome to the family oh my god yeah we should definitely get a dinner on the books
19:48i consider myself a playwright who's learned to write screenplays or perhaps i should say
19:53i'm a playwright who's learned to write screenplays for steven spielberg
19:57hello hey what's up i've been thinking the real way to cement my legacy is for me to primary
20:05aoc what do you think oh um yeah yeah totally that sounds good i i guess we'd have to get
20:13you
20:13a new york address first in the bronx that could be cool we could hang out there i heart new
20:17york i
20:17would love to hang out in new york city a lot more i would love that okay that's it what
20:21is wrong with
20:22you nothing what are you talking about you're not challenging me in your normal well haven't you ever
20:27considered eva way i'm just trying to be supportive well i don't need a yes man i need a no
20:32woman to
20:33ignore okay well fine uh yeah things got really dark in singapore and it was really scary seeing
20:42you that way and now you're back and you're motivated and it's just nice to see you getting
20:46out of bed every day excited well okay
20:53but you know i do sometimes need you to be honest with me
21:00okay well i don't think performing to hano music is how you want to rewrite your legacy
21:04what can i just i don't know that like trying to find some loophole to game the system in an
21:13obscure awards category is what you want to be remembered for is it maybe i mean this non-compete
21:19could be a blessing in disguise i could discover something new i'm brilliant at my my true calling
21:23i mean look at woody allen he's he's a gifted clarinetist doll woody allen is not going to
21:28be remembered for playing the clarinet or the movies or the bucket hat it's going to be the other
21:32thing okay and you are going to be remembered for comedy because you're a comedian you said it
21:38yourself in your final monologue remember god i don't remember what i said i certainly haven't
21:42watched it yeah well maybe you should
21:47okay what is the biggest achievement for a comedian
21:51beating a rape trial seriously hosting a late night show come on anything else
21:59selling out madison square garden okay great but i can't do that i can't perform i know and i don't
22:09know how to get around that i don't know what to do so you have a bump but no pitch
22:17yeah i'm sorry yeah me too
22:27i'm going bad
22:32and i
23:05no results unbelievable yeah
23:09they've taken down every late night clip this is criminal hang on
23:14oh shit what
23:17they took down my bad too
23:20what
23:24why would my special be gone
23:26because it's on their streamer bob look at controls that too
23:29they fucking scrubbed everything
23:33everything
23:35everything that we have worked on for the past five years is gone
23:40they're not just rewriting me they are erasing me
23:43i'm so sorry
23:45you know the last time the press smeared me
23:48i just let them i leaned into it but not this time this time i am writing my story because
23:53you're
23:53right i am a comedian and i'm doing comedy and i'm doing it tomorrow night totally super support you
24:00but how are you gonna call jimmy manager being let go is a normal part of the business i'm sure
24:05she'll be okay thank you orna but again i do want to revisit working on your boundaries with clients
24:11i've been thinking about that a lot and i um oh you know what deborah's calling same time next week
24:16great
24:18hey deborah hi hi i hope it's not too late no no this is great i actually want to talk
24:22to you i just
24:29one great performance nomination flawless campaign and win away no i'm over that don't need an oscar
24:34anymore no yes you do you need it you told me you needed it and and we we we recast
24:39somebody
24:39we're putting you on the call sheet right now jimmy i'm doing stand-up tomorrow oh no
24:43you're sundown in darlin you cannot perform no i'm going to do a secret show we're going to confiscate
24:48phones well no venue's going to agree to that they don't have to i know a guy
24:56password hermez kelly 28 croc gold hardware
25:03follow me that is just a tag
25:15phones please if your babysitter calls damien here will handle it and if you try to sneak in a
25:20device you will be tased they are good follow me and watch your step we are not liable before ladies
25:25open any heart candy now so help me god if i hear a rustle you're gone sit right this way
25:32front row
25:33best seat in the house you do have to sit on a floor though sorry did you get your mom
25:36yet the
25:37our vocal movie is freaking out all right let me try her again
25:44i'm so sorry everybody i'm so sorry oh it's it's my son calling he's been trying to reach me
25:50hi honey what's going on you know that we shoot until midnight every night i know i'm sorry just
25:55listen i got you a role in the fatty arbuckle movie okay say more here's the only issue we lose
26:00our
26:00location saturday so we have to shoot tomorrow and you'd be off book for eight pages by morning
26:04baby are you kidding i'm in soaps i could be off book for hamlet in 20 minutes oh great okay
26:09oh
26:10the show's starting i gotta go i'll text you all right love you okay when the mom is in she's
26:15gonna do it
26:46oh thank you here i am back from the dead
26:54you know when a man does that he's the son of god what a woman does that she's held for
26:58questioning at
26:58lax the only other time i was mistaken for a corpse is when i let a straight man do my
27:05makeup
27:10you know when you're away from the spotlight
27:14you have time to think about what really matters the spotlight
27:35oh can i try the kitty cat oh that that is fierce stunning that stunning oh excuse me
27:43are you deborah vance yes i'm alive and you've been served
27:47you know what that is
27:50bitch
27:53shit yeah there's a video of you from the show online i can't believe that all those people found
27:56it so quickly looks like we're going to court ma'am we need that ring back she'll give it back
28:01when
28:01She's ready.
28:27We've just learned the judge has ruled that due to Comstar's investment in promoting
28:30Debra Vance as the host of Late Night, the clause barring her from performing is, in
28:34fact, enforceable.
28:35A temporary restraining order will be put in place until a full trial can be set.
28:39This is a huge loss for Ms. Vance and her team.
28:42We'll be covering...
28:43Okay, okay, give us some space, please, to stay back.
28:48Free speech is under attack in this country.
28:51Today, I have been told that I cannot so much as perform one single joke or I will go to
28:56jail.
28:57But they can't censor me forever.
28:59The moment that my contract expires, I will be speaking my truth.
29:02In fact, I'll be shouting it at my comeback show at the world's most famous arena, Madison
29:08Square Garden.
29:12Excuse us, guys.
29:12Excuse us, please.
29:13Block it up.
29:14Block up.
29:15Give us some room.
29:18The Garden?
29:19Yeah.
29:20It's the ultimate wing for a comedian.
29:22If I sell it out, I'll be one of only a handful who have ever done it.
29:24And that will be my legacy.
29:27You know, for a woman who can't be on camera, you've just got a lot of airtime.
29:30Mm-hmm.
29:31Wait.
29:32You leaked that video, didn't you?
29:34No!
29:35I did.
29:36That was a great pitch.
29:37We have to announce somehow.
29:40Oh my God.
29:51I'm back.
29:53I'm back.
29:57I'm back.
29:58I'm back.
29:58I'm back.
30:00Learn how to drive you jabroni.
30:02I'll sleep in the butt of the fucking Hudson.
30:07It's so great to be back in New York.
30:09Yeah.
30:10What?
30:10Oh, yes!
30:13Here I am, in this city.
30:17With a fist full of doubt.
30:19And baby, you better believe I'm back.
30:22Back in New York.
30:26I'm back.
30:26You come bearing gifts.
30:28Wow, I see that.
30:29Hi, pretty.
30:34Oh, look at that.
30:35Look at that view.
30:36That's gorgeous.
30:40You know, I can't accept bribes.
30:42Bribes?
30:42I don't like to say bribes.
30:43Oh, no.
30:45Well, I heard that you were understandably less than pleased that I announced I was doing
30:54a show at your esteemed venue before I had actually booked it, and I just wanted to come
30:58in person and apologize and say, I cannot wait to work together.
31:01You're right.
31:02I was very pissed off because that is not how things work around here.
31:06No.
31:06I'm sorry.
31:08And if you would come to me, I would have told you that I don't think you're right
31:11for MSG.
31:12I think you're right for Radio City.
31:14I think you're right for Webster Hall.
31:16Ha!
31:17I know this bitch didn't just say Webster Hall.
31:19Oh, okay.
31:20I can tell you're a whole deal.
31:23She is.
31:23But we do feel very strongly that the Garden is the best venue for someone of Deborah's
31:27stature.
31:27Okay.
31:28The talk show was great, but you don't have the cops.
31:32You haven't toured in years.
31:33You barely have any social media presence.
31:35It's just, it's too much of a gamble.
31:38I will sell out.
31:40And even if I don't, what does it matter to you?
31:42I mean, we will front the rental costs.
31:43You'll be off the hook.
31:44It's not just about the money.
31:45If you are playing MSG, you are the center of cultural conversation.
31:50I mean, our venue is a major part of New York City's history.
31:52We can't just let anyone perform here.
31:54I'm sorry.
31:55Isn't there a live true crime podcast playing tonight?
31:57Murder My Stupid Ass Please has over 90 million monthly listeners.
32:01It is hosted by two of the most popular people in America.
32:04They swayed the presidential election.
32:06You know, I think you might be underestimating Deborah's fans because they are rabid.
32:09They abducted me once.
32:10I got free, but I didn't call the cops because they are so sweet.
32:15My point is, they're enthusiastic and these tickets are going to sell.
32:18I just don't see it.
32:19This won't be just a stand-up show.
32:20This will be historic.
32:22I'm taking down Bob Lipka and his censorship of me and speaking truth to power.
32:26This is bigger than just me.
32:28I'm sorry, Deborah.
32:30I'm so sorry.
32:31I should not have wasted your time with this petty gifting business.
32:37I had two shares of Berkshire Hathaway Class A stocks.
32:39Thank you so much for coming by.
32:41Absolutely.
32:42Thanks.
32:43We'll leave these with you.
32:44Thanks for your time.
32:46Have a nice day, I guess.
32:49That MSG Booker is dumb.
32:51And her leather jacket was stupid.
32:52No, it was a full grain leather and a sophisticated cup.
32:54Fine!
32:55She's rich, cool and ruining our lives.
32:56We just need to reignite the base.
32:59The Little Deppies would help me with anything.
33:01Do you remember in 93?
33:02They started that hunger strike so I could get reinstated at the spokesperson for Snackwells?
33:05Or when they crashed the Eileen Fisher website the day your casual duster dropped?
33:08Yeah, exactly.
33:09What about that autograph you mentioned in Vegas you passed on?
33:11The Little Deppies will love that.
33:12You're a genius!
33:14We get my biggest fans together in one place,
33:16I shower them with love and affection,
33:18and then we ask them to organize a grassroots movement to get me Madison Square Garden!
33:22When is it?
33:23Three weeks, the 21st.
33:24That's Ava's birthday.
33:25It's fine.
33:26Are there any other options?
33:27No.
33:27No, no, no.
33:28Honestly, I don't care about my birthday.
33:29I really don't.
33:31You have to at least take the day off.
33:34And hang out with who?
33:35I only have one friend, remember?
33:37What are you talking about?
33:38Remember the last night in Singapore you said it was weird you were my only friend?
33:43You probably don't remember.
33:44You're pretty drunk, girl.
33:45It's fine.
33:46Don't worry, I didn't survive growing up in Massachusetts by letting a drunk person's insults affect me.
33:51Seriously.
33:51You should do it.
33:52So should I cook it?
33:54Yeah.
33:55Yeah.
33:55Here, Jimmy.
33:56Get the shot.
34:01Perfect!
34:02That's what we've been waiting for?
34:03Yeah.
34:04For content.
34:05I need a chill.
34:06I need one content.
34:07I'm looking for my baby.
34:10Been searching for a long, long time.
34:14I got to find my baby.
34:17Got to get this feeling off my mind.
34:21You need to hug us.
34:22Hello!
34:23Good morning, my favorite ladies and Damien.
34:26So we've talked to the organizers, slipped them a hundo, and guess what?
34:29They moved Heather Locklear to the other side of the building.
34:31Good.
34:32She's still my exact shade of blonde in 98.
34:34And look, I know you want to be out by 3, so I'm going to talk to Billy Baldwin and
34:36see if he'll give you his time slot in the photo studio.
34:38Perfect, yeah, I don't want to be here too late.
34:39Okay.
34:40I'm going to head to the table.
34:41Alright.
34:41See you over there.
34:43And you.
34:44Happy birthday, birthday girl.
34:47Oh!
34:47Oh, thanks.
34:48I know we normally get you a gift, but we are a little low on funds this year.
34:50I'm sorry about that.
34:51Don't even worry about it.
34:52Oh my god.
34:52I finished your mall girl script last night, Ava.
34:54Mm-hmm.
34:55It is so good.
34:57Oh.
34:57Yeah, I laughed, I cried.
34:58It's like, it's emotional and cinematic.
35:00It's really special and I can't wait to send it around.
35:01Oh my god, amazing.
35:03I'm proud of you.
35:04Oh, coffee birthday girl.
35:07Wow, this is a really fancy tray.
35:08Had it custom made.
35:10Heaters built in, USB charging, patent pending.
35:13You're a really good assistant.
35:15You know, in Hollywood it's not about good or bad, it's about power.
35:19Nice watch.
35:25Oh, honey, I would love to sign it, but I can't legally.
35:28Bye.
35:30Bye.
35:32Bye.
35:33They're there, they're probably just filming at the mouth.
35:35Hey, my little jammies.
35:45Hello.
35:48Oh, wow.
35:49The DV industry Swiss army knife.
35:51It's got it all.
35:51It's got the tweezers.
35:52It's got the brow spoolie.
35:54Come on, who could ask for more than that?
35:57Very rare item.
35:57Actually, it's widely available on the internet, which you'd know if you were still active on the DV message boards.
36:02Um, how would you, how would you like to use your name?
36:04Just your name, please.
36:05Okay.
36:10It's great to see you.
36:13Hey.
36:14How's it going?
36:15Oddly, I see.
36:17Well, I just met the actor who gave Dawson a blowjob on the boat and sees him very something on
36:20Starstruck and Amazing.
36:22One autograph.
36:22Hi there.
36:24Hi.
36:25Hi.
36:25Oh, hey.
36:26Sorry.
36:26Uh, I think the line starts back there.
36:28Oh, no.
36:29I'm actually here for you.
36:30I am a huge fan.
36:32Of me?
36:34Yeah.
36:34I was obsessed with Girl Town and you always wrote the best episodes.
36:37Oh, my God.
36:38I left college for that job.
36:40I know.
36:41And then I followed you on Twitter.
36:43Even now, I'll just randomly look up your old tweets sometimes.
36:45Oh, no.
36:46Don't do that.
36:47Anyway, then I saw my bad because I heard that you'd worked on it.
36:51Yeah.
36:52I've never even seen Deborah before.
36:54I mean, it's kind of crazy how you've changed the whole trajectory of her career.
36:58She's mad lucky to have you.
37:00I wish you said that a little louder, but thank you.
37:02Will you sign your Times Magazine cover?
37:06Yes.
37:07I've never signed anything for anyone before.
37:10Wow.
37:11This is amazing.
37:12I really now understand why parasocial relationships are replacing real ones.
37:16But seriously, thank you for all that you contribute to society.
37:21Any time.
37:25I'll catch you around.
37:27Yeah, I'll be around all day.
37:28Cooley.
37:29Cooley.
37:31Cooley.
37:32I can't tell you.
37:33Sorry.
37:34It's on me.
37:35Thanks.
37:36Thanks for coming.
37:37Oh, Ezekiel.
37:39Nice to see a familiar face.
37:40What can I sign for you?
37:41I've actually signed something for you.
37:43It's my resignation letter.
37:45As president of the Debra Vance fan club Southwest Branch.
37:47Is he you?
37:48You've been a pillar of the Little Debbie community for years.
37:51I heard that Kathy Griffin is looking for an infusion into her base, so I am taking my talents elsewhere.
37:56Okay.
37:57Okay.
37:57What is going on?
37:58What is the problem?
37:59The problem is that you went Hollywood.
38:02I did not go Hollywood.
38:04Yes, you did.
38:05You haven't sent out Debra's do's and don'ts in almost two years.
38:08I don't know what to do or what not to do.
38:10Sometimes I just sit in the dark.
38:11Yeah.
38:12You discontinued your car insurance plan.
38:15And now I'm uninsured.
38:16Oh, honey, you gotta have insurance.
38:19And you discontinued your Debra Vance red light mask.
38:21I liked the burns.
38:22It eventually turned to tan.
38:24Yeah.
38:24You want to make your lizard.
38:27Hey!
38:29Get into a single file line or you will be tased.
38:31Do not fuck with me.
38:36You should address the lizard thing.
38:38It's not gaining traction.
38:41Who's next?
38:42And you really don't mind switching with Debra?
38:43Oh, no, no, no.
38:44Not at all.
38:44That ranch you did against Lipka?
38:46Gold.
38:47Legend.
38:48That's a friggin' animal.
38:49Tell me about it.
38:50Plus, she always invites me to her Fourth of July party.
38:52I never go, but the invite's always nice.
38:55Well, you're going to be on the list forever, ma'am.
38:56We appreciate you.
38:57Never too big, Jimmy.
38:59Never too big.
39:00My man.
39:00All right.
39:02Okay, now that's a guy I could be friends with.
39:03I love him.
39:04Exactly what I'd like to hear from you, boss,
39:05because I do not want to see you fall prey to the male loneliness epidemic.
39:09No.
39:09I know, it's terrible, ma'am.
39:10Uncle Maury shot himself in the head.
39:12It's Rene O'Connor.
39:13Of course.
39:14Who's that?
39:15From Xena Warrior Princess.
39:16The show.
39:16The show on the WB.
39:17Oh, TV show.
39:19Yeah.
39:19I haven't made it to TV yet.
39:20I'm still making it through all the movies.
39:23She's Xena.
39:23No, that's Gabrielle.
39:24That's Xena's battle partner, her confidant.
39:26She's a traveling bard.
39:27Well, you gotta go say hi.
39:28Hell no.
39:29I would be so nervous.
39:30I would faint.
39:31No, I couldn't.
39:31I mean, I've seen every episode multiple times.
39:33I even still have a recurring dream that I'm helping Xena save Prometheus
39:36so that humans don't lose their capacity for healing and fire.
39:38Jimmy, you're meeting her.
39:39You'll regret it if you don't.
39:40You think?
39:41I know so.
39:43Okay.
39:43Okay.
39:44God, I wish I had a beta blocker.
39:45Alright, let's go.
39:46Woo!
39:47So, are you working on anything else other than writing for Debra?
39:50Yeah.
39:51Yeah, I actually just read a movie about a girl who lives at the mall.
39:53Oh, such a good idea.
39:55Got my tickets.
39:56I am so russat.
39:57You're so sweet.
39:59Shit, wait.
40:00This is just occurring to me.
40:01Are you gonna have to leave, Debra?
40:02No, no.
40:03I mean, especially not after what she did for me at late night.
40:06Hmm.
40:09So, what's your, like, dream?
40:12You know, I've always wanted to create my own show.
40:14Oh.
40:14I was voted, uh, most likely to showrun my high school yearbook.
40:18I mean, I did create the superlative, but still.
40:20I really hope this isn't weird that I know this, but, um,
40:23it's your birthday today, right?
40:26Yes, it is.
40:27And you're turning 30, right?
40:28Yeah.
40:30Poof.
40:30Pretty big milestone.
40:32Are you, like, freaking out about where you're at in your life?
40:35No.
40:35I mean, no, not really.
40:37I don't think.
40:37Should I?
40:38No.
40:39No, I'm not.
40:40Well, I'd love to get you something for your birthday.
40:42Like a cupcake or...
40:44You don't have to.
40:45But if they have chocolate cake, I'd take chocolate icing.
40:48Or if they have vanilla cake, I still would want chocolate icing.
40:51But if funfetti's in the mix, of course, I'd have...
40:52They just have corn muffins.
40:53Perfect.
40:55It's your day.
40:57Why are you performing only at Madison Square Garden and not Portsmouth, New Hampshire?
41:00I mean, we are important, too.
41:01We've built a revolutionary war fleet.
41:03And we so appreciate that.
41:05You stopped doing your annual Christmas conference call.
41:07Now, how are we supposed to sync up our micro thing?
41:09You never published another book of Debokus, and the regular Sudokus are just too hard.
41:14I'm mad you left QVC, and I'm mad you didn't leave QVC earlier.
41:19Work it out.
41:20I miss Marcus.
41:21Damien never sends us locks of your hair.
41:25You didn't endorse a candidate in the presidential election, so I didn't vote.
41:29And now my kids won't talk to me.
41:31I sent you two suspicious packages and didn't even receive a cease and desist letter.
41:34You used to care.
41:36Okay, that's it.
41:36I need a break.
41:37Ten minute break.
41:41These people are impossible to please.
41:43I mean, my fans seem to think I owe them every single moment of my life.
41:46Think of it this way.
41:47Today, you are being paid to be LDAP.
41:49For some people, that's a kink.
41:53Oh yeah, this is classic heavy, yeah.
41:55Oh, she looks the exact same.
41:57Did you know it was actually the fans that saw Xena as a guest character on Hercules,
42:00and they were so enthusiastic that they actually helped get the spin-off series made?
42:04Grassroots movements are always so inspiring.
42:06That is, until they turn bloodthirsty.
42:09Next!
42:09Here we go, here we go.
42:10We paid.
42:11Hi, I'm Renee.
42:13I'm your Renee.
42:13Not, I'm Renee.
42:14You're Renee.
42:15I'm Renee.
42:15I'm Jimmy.
42:16You're Jimmy.
42:16I'm a manager in LA, so I never get starstruck, but I think that you were such a talent,
42:23and the series meant so much to me.
42:25I was so lucky to be a part of that world.
42:27Have you ever thought about doing a rewatch podcast?
42:29You know, they're really big right now, where you go through old episodes and discuss them.
42:31I don't think enough people want to hear me talk about that.
42:33Girl, shut up!
42:35We love the show, we watched it all.
42:37People would love that content, like the Hope storyline, you know?
42:39When did you realize your daughter was going to be evil?
42:41Was it from the beginning, or did it slowly dawn on you?
42:43Well, her father was a wicked demigod, so it kind of tipped it off for me.
42:46Right.
42:47Mysteriously impregnated at a demon ritual?
42:49I was like, that's going to come back.
42:51Do you mind if we get a photo?
42:52Of course.
42:53I'm sorry, I'm sweating now.
42:57Ah, smile big!
42:59Bigger!
43:00Ah!
43:00Not that big, not that big.
43:02Split the difference, split the difference.
43:03You should just start over and get all new fans.
43:05I mean, there are people born every day, right?
43:07I gotta tell you, I mean, as someone who just got their first fan, you really need to cherish these...
43:10It's been 12 minutes and I said 10.
43:12Oh!
43:13Okay, hey, just try to keep it together.
43:15Right?
43:16No promises.
43:19Hello.
43:20How can I do better for you?
43:22Oh, no.
43:23I just wanted to say thank you.
43:25Oh.
43:27You're welcome.
43:28For what?
43:28Well, my mom and I have been, like, huge fans of yours ever since Live Free or Diet.
43:33And we came to Vegas, and we saw you at the Palmetto, and then we were, like, literally quoting your
43:38jokes for 10 hours the entire car ride home.
43:42It was, like, the best weekend.
43:43I'm so glad.
43:45Anyway, we made you something to say thank you.
43:51It's you, Barry, and Kara.
43:54Wow.
43:55And we made this completely out of natural seeds and grains.
43:5829 types.
44:00We were sorting yellow peas for an entire winter just to nail your light honey blonde.
44:05It's gotten a little warped because we made it three years ago, but you haven't been to any of these,
44:10so we couldn't get it to you, but here you go.
44:15That's beautiful.
44:17That's beautiful.
44:18Is your mom here so I can thank her?
44:21Oh, no.
44:23She passed.
44:24In May.
44:26I'm so sorry, honey.
44:29She would be so happy that I was finally able to get this to you.
44:32She really loved you.
44:45I need a minute.
44:48It's okay. Damien, it's okay.
45:06Oh, yeah.
45:07Been there.
45:08It's Carpal Tunnel.
45:09You need one of these.
45:11No.
45:12It's not that.
45:13It's...
45:14It's...
45:15Ah.
45:16Van Art's so ugly, it moves you to tears.
45:19Something like that.
45:20I once had a guy paint a portrait of me using a stamp pad and his anus.
45:26It's framed in my bathroom.
45:28No, it's not that it's ugly.
45:29I mean...
45:31It is.
45:32And it's just that this...
45:33This woman and her mother spent months of their lives making this.
45:39Oh, yeah.
45:40But so what?
45:41They love doing it.
45:43They support us.
45:44We show up for them.
45:45That's the frickin' deal, Mama.
45:48Well, that's the thing.
45:49I haven't been showing up for them.
45:51And...
45:52They're very mad at me for it.
45:54They'll forgive you.
45:56I don't deserve it.
45:59I just came here to exploit them because I need their help.
46:04Well, just tell them what you need.
46:07They want to feel like they're in a relationship with you and that you need them more than anyone else.
46:11And it sounds like you might.
46:14The truth will set you free, baby doll.
46:17That's all they want.
46:23That and a t-shirt that only some people are allowed to get.
46:42Little Debbies, I have news.
46:47Madison Square Garden won't give me a date because they say I'm not big enough to play it.
46:52So I came here to get you to rally for me.
46:57Which is unfair.
47:00Because...
47:01You're right.
47:03I have neglected you.
47:05And...
47:07I am so sorry.
47:09Hold on.
47:10They're saying you're not big enough to play MSG.
47:12Fuck that!
47:13The Garden would be lucky to have you.
47:15Yeah.
47:17Well, in time I hope that I can regain your trust.
47:20They don't get to tell you what you can and can't do.
47:22That's our job!
47:23You're the greatest comedian of all time!
47:25Yes!
47:26So the Knicks can play MSG but not Deborah Vance?
47:30Misogynistic bullshit!
47:31I don't care if you are a lizard.
47:33You deserve to play MSG!
47:36As president of the Little Debbie's Tucson chapter, this will not stand.
47:40Wait, sorry.
47:40Sorry.
47:42I thought you were my fan.
47:43What are you talking about?
47:44That's Cindy.
47:44She's the third generation Little Debbie.
47:46That's right.
47:47I'm here for Deborah.
47:48I just wanted to replace you and write for her, you stupid bitch!
47:52Oh my god.
47:54So you didn't like any of my tweets?
47:56They're not jokes, they're thought poems!
47:58Okay.
47:59Deborah, who do we talk to about this?
48:02Amanda Weinberg at msg-entertainment.com
48:071, Madison Square Garden Plaza, Suite 3H.
48:11Deborah, we will get you that motherfucking venue.
48:14That's a promise.
48:15You know what?
48:15If you can do that, I'm making the tickets $20 so you all can come!
48:20And you know what?
48:21I'm bringing back Deborah Plus!
48:24This year's Christmas theme is Fuchsia and Cherry, the 1997 Redox!
48:32Thank you!
48:34Thank you!
48:36Thank you!
48:36Thank you!
48:37Thank you!
48:37Thank you!
48:37Thank you!
48:38Thank you!
48:39Thank you!
48:39Thank you!
48:40Thank you!
48:42Hey!
48:43You know, I want to thank you for your advice.
48:45I reached out to Lucy and she loves the Xena Rewatch podcast idea.
48:49Lucy Lawless knows my idea?
48:50Yeah!
48:51Well, you know, it's really nice to talk about business with someone who is familiar with
48:54my work.
48:55I never had a rep pitch me any ideas, much less actually watch the whole show.
48:58What?
48:59People are insane.
49:00People are sick.
49:00People are sick.
49:01Sick people.
49:02Beats of shit.
49:03I'm sure your roster is crowded, but would you ever consider representing me?
49:08Us?
49:09Absolutely!
49:10All right!
49:11Well then, I mean, I probably should give you 10% of what I made today.
49:15No, no, no.
49:15That's not necessary, but thank you.
49:16Are you okay with hundreds?
49:18Yes!
49:19I love them.
49:20We are.
49:20We are.
49:22We can use the money.
49:23Okay, well this was amazing.
49:24Consider yourself a client of Shade from the Sack.
49:26Thank you!
49:26Yeah, let me put you on an email with Lucy and I next week.
49:29When you're back in LA, we'll take you to dinner.
49:30You like Greek?
49:30I love Greek.
49:32I don't need octopus, though.
49:33Anymore.
49:33They're too intelligent.
49:34That's great.
49:46Oh my god!
49:47What?
49:48Surprise!
49:49This is crazy!
49:51We love you, girl!
49:53Thank you!
49:54Aw!
49:55Happy birthday, love!
49:57Aw!
49:58Happy birthday, honey!
50:00Look who's here!
50:01Oh wow!
50:02Hi!
50:03Hi!
50:03Hi!
50:03Honey Regan!
50:04It's me!
50:04You're welcome!
50:05Oh my god!
50:05Hey, how are ya?
50:06Nice to see ya!
50:07Hi!
50:07It's so nice to see you.
50:08It's been forever.
50:09It's great graduation.
50:11How could I forget?
50:12Yeah, when Deborah called, I told her how inseparable you two were and how it would mean the world to
50:16you to be together on your 30th.
50:17So here we all are!
50:18Absolutely!
50:19Yup!
50:19Yup!
50:20How are you?
50:21Amazing.
50:22Yeah.
50:22I married Greg Holland.
50:24Remember him?
50:26Um, he ran through a glass door, his cousin drowned in the quarry.
50:29Oh!
50:29Yes, Greg!
50:30He used to put girls in his hockey bag.
50:31Him!
50:32Anyway, we have four kids under six.
50:33Whoa!
50:34Yup!
50:34Yup!
50:35All natural.
50:36Sorry for you!
50:37Anyway, needless to say, I am thrilled to be here.
50:39Yeah, I bet.
50:39I should tell you, Mr. Merce just died.
50:41Oh!
50:41That's so sad.
50:42No, it's not.
50:43He was a pedophile.
50:43Convicted.
50:44Multiple times over.
50:46Let's party!
50:47Come on!
50:49Oh!
50:52Oh!
50:52Oh!
50:52Oh my god!
50:53And we got just a few of your favorite things.
50:57The entire Jack and Box menu, a cranberry kombucha, oh yes, cupcakes from a queer bakery,
51:02Oh!
51:03And of course!
51:03Oh my god!
51:04For two cheese rolls and pappacino pappanel!
51:07I haven't flown in this morning.
51:08I miss these rolls.
51:11I don't want them!
51:12I don't want them!
51:32Woohoo!
51:33Woohoo!
51:34This one goes out to the most special girl in the world.
51:37You know who you are?
51:39It's me.
51:40Happy birthday.
51:41I've heard about this in my middle school journal.
51:43It's coming true.
51:44I know!
51:45I read your journals!
51:46That's why he's here!
51:50I don't want another pretty face.
51:52I don't want just anyone to hold.
51:55I don't want my love to go to waste.
51:57I want you and your beautiful soul.
52:05I know that you are something special.
52:10And to you I'd be always faithful.
52:15And I want to be what you always needed.
52:20Then I hope you see the heart in me.
52:24I don't want another pretty face.
52:27I don't want just anyone to hold.
52:29I don't want my love to go to waste.
52:32I want you and your beautiful soul.
52:37Okay, I'm sleeping in late tomorrow.
52:39You can bowl your own cantaloupe.
52:41Goodnight.
52:42Night.
52:43Well, you know what?
52:43I'm going to say goodnight now too.
52:45I have a 4.15am flight to Papeete to see my boyfriend
52:48in the senior world windsurfing competition.
52:50I'm sorry, you have a boyfriend?
52:51Well, I emailed you about him.
52:53I emailed her.
52:53Uh, no, I don't think you did.
52:55Well, I'm seeing someone, Ava.
52:57And it's become physical.
52:58The first since your father.
52:59Well, depends what you count.
53:01Oh, God.
53:02Well, I love you.
53:03Okay.
53:04Bye.
53:05I love you.
53:05Night.
53:06Bye.
53:07Awesome.
53:09Wow.
53:10Oh, my God.
53:11That was a successful party.
53:13Yeah.
53:14It's so many friends who showed up for you.
53:17And that Jenny, you know, the one who drank vodka
53:20out of one of my really nice wine glasses?
53:22Yes.
53:22Jenny Regan, the girl I only befriended
53:25so that I could play with her hermit crabs,
53:26and then she stopped being my friend
53:27when she got her period before me.
53:30Oh.
53:32Friend's a friend.
53:32Yeah.
53:33And you got a lot of them here.
53:39Deborah, did you only throw me this party because you feel bad about what you sent on the
53:42boat in Singapore?
53:44No.
53:46I mean, it's your birthday.
53:47You deserve a party.
53:48A birthday party.
53:49Wow.
53:50Did you ever hear one of those?
53:51Guilt looks good on you.
53:53Deborah, you don't have to feel guilty about that.
53:56You're not wrong.
53:58You are my only friend.
54:01What hurt me was that you said it was weird because I don't think it is.
54:06You know, I think you're the reason that I haven't been there for the Little Debbies.
54:12You know, I used to spend so much time with my fans, but it wasn't for them.
54:17It was for me.
54:19I mean, they were my friends because I never really had any.
54:25Yes, you did.
54:26You had friends.
54:27You've always had friends.
54:28You have tons of friends.
54:29You know, I was popular.
54:33I never had a best friend.
54:38Well, I mean, you know, my sister, you know, we know how that went.
54:43So I just relied more and more on the Little Debbies, and it was as much for me as it
54:50was
54:50for them.
54:52But then I met you.
54:56And I didn't need them so much anymore.
54:59Well, it makes sense.
55:02I'm your number one fan.
55:06Hey!
55:07Oh, oh, oh!
55:08Oh!
55:08You've got 50 minutes left on your birthday!
55:10What do you want to do?
55:12Hmm.
55:14Oh!
55:15Ha ha ha ha!
55:19That's a new phone background.
55:20Ooh!
55:21Someone's smoking the Cheech!
55:22Be you!
55:24You're still here!
55:25Oh, yeah.
55:26I just fucked Jesse McCutney.
55:29What?
55:29Yeah!
55:30You cheated on Greg?
55:31Okay, you don't know our arrangement.
55:33Wow, okay.
55:34You open?
55:34No.
55:36Hey, you mind if I rinse off in your swimming pool?
55:38I don't like a UTI.
55:39Sure.
55:40Wonderful.
55:43Wow!
55:43A lot of salt and pepper shakers.
55:44You think you got enough?
55:45Huh?
55:46Sorry about that.
55:48Oh, here.
55:48Try this.
55:51What is it?
55:52It's my pumpkin yogurt bread batter.
55:54I want to include a fat fruit recipe in my newsletter tomorrow.
55:57Mmm.
55:58Because my little Debbies are going to need all the energy they can get.
56:02Absolutely.
56:03I was going to say get out of my head because when he, when he took the old step.
56:10You can't take my place.
56:12You can't take my place.
56:12He's remains were never recovered from that creek.
56:15Hattie, Ferris.
56:16Put your shoes on, honey.
56:17What's the day?
56:17This episode of Murder My Stupid Ass, please, is sponsored by Dev4MSG.
56:20Go to Change.or today and add your name to the petition.
56:22Amanda, I feel so free.
56:28And I'll put on in a window.
56:31Oh, good.
56:32This is all for you.
56:33What?
56:36Oh my god, they're from my home address
56:38Oh my god, no, I don't want anything to do with this
56:41Return Descender
56:42Except the old Navy
56:44I got three other bands
56:45I am being stuck and harassed
56:47Return Descender, grassy ass
56:58Hello?
57:00No scare!
57:14I understand many of you have been waiting for me to speak on this
57:17So hear me now
57:18I am not a lizard
57:21And I know that is something a lizard would say
57:24However
57:25That was really, really believable though
57:27Yeah? Thanks
57:29The harassment has got to stop
57:32Still don't think it's a good idea
57:34But I'm giving you a date at the garden
57:36Oh, okay
57:37Wow, that's fantastic
57:39Yeah, great
57:40Thanks, Amanda
57:41We'll talk real soon
57:45We're going to MSG?
57:46Yes!
57:48One!
57:50September 11th
57:50Not 11th
57:51It was the only date available
57:53Great!
57:54Ah!
57:54Here we go!
57:56Ow, that hurt!
57:57God, it's like high-fiving the whole
57:59Of your step!
58:01Of your step!
58:01Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
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