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No Doubt (2019) [Full Movie] [Official Release]Full EP - Full
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00:00:00Tchau, tchau.
00:00:32Alright, so, mano a mano, how many girls ask you if Picasso is your real name?
00:00:39One I'd like to talk about, especially since a lot of them argue with me when I tell them it
00:00:43is my real name.
00:00:44Like, how are you going to tell me what my name is? I think I know more about it than
00:00:47you do.
00:00:50She's cute.
00:00:52Got you 20 bones she has a kid.
00:00:54How can you tell that from one inconspicuous photo?
00:00:57Always trust the bubbling stomach.
00:01:00Why is your stomach bubbling?
00:01:01Just scroll.
00:01:06Ew, Maddie, you're right.
00:01:09Of all the photos you're going to post of your kid, why would you post the one directly after you
00:01:13gave birth?
00:01:14She looks hideous.
00:01:15I guess she was going for the natural beauty thing.
00:01:17Nothing beautiful about that.
00:01:20Is that her placenta?
00:01:21Gladly swiping left.
00:01:23Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:01:24Okay, which one is she?
00:01:26Every photo is her with the same four girls.
00:01:29I'm trying to find this right now and she wants to play Where's Fucking Waldo?
00:01:33I detest that shit.
00:01:34You know when girls do that?
00:01:35It's usually because they're the ugliest one out of their group of friends.
00:01:38Mm-hmm.
00:01:38Then it must be this one.
00:01:41Duff, you have been spotted.
00:01:43Ooh, she looks like fucking Beetlejuice.
00:01:47She does.
00:01:49To the left, to the left.
00:01:51Oh, yeah, you're 25.
00:01:5325 times two.
00:01:57Oh, here we go.
00:01:58Officially head over heels.
00:02:00Check it out.
00:02:00Close up of her eye.
00:02:02And, yep, that's her only photo.
00:02:05Who wouldn't want to swipe right?
00:02:07Beats me.
00:02:10Oh, hold on.
00:02:10Let me see something.
00:02:13You've got quite a few messages, Master Picasso.
00:02:16A lot more than I thought you'd have.
00:02:18Well, if you open up the conversation, you'll see that they're mostly just lonely heys that
00:02:22no one ever responded to.
00:02:23You can't just say hey to these girls.
00:02:25The second you match with them, you've got to do something to show them that you're not
00:02:29just one of the millions of guys that want to make bacon with them.
00:02:31But I do want to make bacon with them.
00:02:33Well, you're not going to put anything in the pan with a dry fucking DM like, hey.
00:02:37Every hot girl's DM is 50% lewd messages, 50% haze.
00:02:42You've got to find the middle ground.
00:02:43You've got to do something unique.
00:02:44Well, my haze did work on someone.
00:02:47Oh, this girl, Sissany.
00:02:49Yeah.
00:02:50We've been talking for like two weeks.
00:02:51And I can actually keep a conversation going with her.
00:02:54No lags, no pretending to be interested.
00:02:57I mean, it's a good deal.
00:02:58And we text like every day.
00:03:00You guys met in person yet?
00:03:02No.
00:03:03Is a face-to-face meeting in the works?
00:03:05Nope.
00:03:14Dude, what are you stop-
00:03:15What is that for?
00:03:16That's for preferring to talk to an attractive young woman on your phone than talking to
00:03:20her pussy lips in real time.
00:03:22I've seen catfish.
00:03:23And if I've learned anything from Nev and Max is that anything that seems too good really
00:03:27is too good.
00:03:28Right now, this girl's on a pillar, you know?
00:03:30She's cool.
00:03:31She's chill.
00:03:31And I don't want to ruin what we have by meeting her in person.
00:03:34Like, what if she's a guy?
00:03:36Or what if she is who she says she is, but her real-life personality pales in comparison
00:03:41to her online personality?
00:03:42When I'm not looking for girls to fuck, I can just sit back, unwind, and shoot the shit
00:03:47with Sissini.
00:03:50What the-what?
00:03:50Stop!
00:03:51Stop!
00:03:52What the fuck kind of logic is that?
00:03:53This girl responded to your boring ass hay and has sustained conversation with you for
00:03:58weeks.
00:03:58She's pretty.
00:03:59She clearly likes the same things as you.
00:04:01Look, she's got an accourge in the cowardly dog shirt for crying out loud.
00:04:04This girl will fuck the potatoes out of you.
00:04:07Yeah, but what if she's a catfish?
00:04:08What if she's not a catfish?
00:04:09Picasso, listen to me with both ears, alright?
00:04:14If you haven't at least discussed the possibility of meeting this girl in person by the next
00:04:18time I see you, I will personally give you a vasectomy with a rusty safety pin.
00:04:25Capisce?
00:04:26Her vagina is calling your name, dude.
00:04:30Oh, Picasso.
00:04:33Oh, Picasso.
00:04:34What are you doing?
00:04:34Just give me that salami.
00:04:36Just give me that sausage.
00:04:39I can take it.
00:04:40Come on, shove it in there, big boy.
00:04:42Stop it.
00:04:43Come on, shove it in there, big boy.
00:04:44Stop it.
00:04:44Stop it.
00:04:44Stop it.
00:04:45You're a sex vomit.
00:04:47Stop it.
00:05:03Look, I graduated.
00:05:06Get through anything, you imagine, made it.
00:05:07That's magic, ain't it?
00:05:09Graduated from public school, that's special, and that's football team.
00:05:14Since 13, they're football dreams.
00:05:16Most people waiting on the sideline, waiting for one time in the limelight.
00:05:20But tonight, I'ma shine in the moonlight.
00:05:23Made moves like Michael Jackson, so it's time for action.
00:05:26And I go, graduated to a party bus, I'm going to college, I had enough.
00:05:31Gonna live it up, pour a drink in the red cup, drunk wine, gonna throw it up.
00:05:35We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:38We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:42We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:46All night.
00:05:48All night.
00:05:50We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:54We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:56Oh, so many stares.
00:05:59Well, technically, I can get shot anywhere.
00:06:01The fact that this is Inglewood should make a difference.
00:06:05It's actually not that sketch.
00:06:07Looks pretty nice inside.
00:06:10Asshole.
00:06:12No, but are you sure you know the plan?
00:06:14Because you tend to have selective memory, and I want to make sure my plan is foolproof.
00:06:18Okay.
00:06:19Sad face means call me so I can make an exit elegantly, and happy face means I can stay.
00:06:27Okay.
00:06:28Fuck you very much.
00:06:30Bye, bitch.
00:06:41It'll be fine.
00:06:44It'll be fine.
00:06:48It'll be fine.
00:06:49It'll be fine.
00:06:51I think it'll be fine.
00:06:53I think it'll be fine.
00:06:54Say hello.
00:07:09Hi.
00:07:10Hey.
00:07:13Thank you.
00:07:14You're welcome.
00:07:40Obrigado.
00:07:44This is a fucking maze.
00:07:46Yeah, there's a side entrance that's closer to my apartment, but I thought for the sake of presentation I might
00:07:51as well meet you in front.
00:07:52Well, you should know that I hate walking. If I could ride around in one of those electric shopping carts
00:07:57for the rest of my life, I would.
00:08:00Well, we don't have any electric shopping carts, but there's a few janky ones lying around that could push you
00:08:04in one.
00:08:04I might just take you up on that, but only if the cart's missing a wheel and it smells like
00:08:09this.
00:08:10Well, I'll see if I can muster up.
00:08:14How long have you been walking?
00:08:15Uh, less than a minute.
00:08:18My feet hurt already.
00:08:19You really do hate walking.
00:08:21I did warn you. This hallway is kind of sketch.
00:08:25Yeah, I thought the same thing. Sometimes when I'm by myself, I turn around just to make sure I'm not
00:08:29being followed.
00:08:30Oh my god, imagine if you were. Like, Leatherface was just posted up at the end of the hallway. Like,
00:08:35what's up, bro?
00:08:36Uh, I think I'd turn into Usain Bolt.
00:08:40Not today.
00:08:43See, not me. I am one of those people that would royally piss off the horror movie audience.
00:08:48I just wait to be killed.
00:08:50I mean, what is the point in wasting Leatherface's time giving this illusion that I'm capable of engaging in foot
00:08:56chase?
00:08:57Nope. Just cut me open. I can handle it.
00:09:00Sure about that?
00:09:02Nope.
00:09:03This hallway still reminds me of The Shining, though.
00:09:05Yeah. Well, if they ever do another remake, they could do it right here.
00:09:09Isn't that infuriating, another remake?
00:09:12The Shining is one of those films that should never be remade.
00:09:15No one will ever come close to what Jack Nicholson was able to achieve.
00:09:20You were supposed to agree with me?
00:09:22I'm not really crazy about The Shining.
00:09:25Well, date's over.
00:09:26Oh, well, I just think it's overrated. And before you draw your sword, I'm not saying it's a bad movie.
00:09:31It definitely had its effective moments, but to say it was the greatest horror movie of all time.
00:09:36It's a real style over genuine horror.
00:09:40Plus, Kubrick put his team through hell.
00:09:43If a director can't destroy the mental health of their cast and crew, they shouldn't call themselves a director.
00:09:50Um, that's a problematic statement.
00:09:53Here's what I think.
00:09:55Remakes give filmmakers this opportunity to resurrect previously awful movies.
00:10:00I mean, I can think of so many shitty horror films that could be remade and enriched.
00:10:05But instead, people choose to remake the classics.
00:10:08The films that should have a do not touch sign on them.
00:10:12You can say that again.
00:10:13Do I have to?
00:10:19Oh, not too shabby. Not too shabby at all.
00:10:22This is the abode.
00:10:23I live in a shoebox compared to this.
00:10:27And you have a staircase.
00:10:28See, staircases and apartments to me are just like a fuck you to the rest of us studio apartment folk.
00:10:35Like, not one, but two of my floors are bigger than your entire living space.
00:10:40Oh, there's just a bedroom up there.
00:10:41It's not that great.
00:10:42But here's the test.
00:10:44How many bathrooms do you have?
00:10:46Two.
00:10:47Ugh, that is exceptional.
00:10:49So no one can blow up your bathroom because you have one down here for all your visiting bowel unloads,
00:10:54huh?
00:10:54You don't even use the bathroom down here, do you?
00:10:57Not really.
00:10:59You young guy have got it made.
00:11:02The apartment's not that great.
00:11:04I get that you're trying to be unpresuming, but this is a pretty sick pad.
00:11:10I do not see one blemish.
00:11:12Hmm.
00:11:13Well then you haven't looked hard enough.
00:11:14Bring your eyes this away.
00:11:17Oh, hiya.
00:11:18Destruction.
00:11:19What happened here?
00:11:20Bronx.
00:11:22Bronx as in the borough of New York City?
00:11:24No.
00:11:25Bronx as in my friend's dog Bronx.
00:11:28Ooh, god damn Gertrude.
00:11:29My friend Hut got himself a husky.
00:11:32A very unwise decision.
00:11:33Why is that?
00:11:35Huskies are cuteness overload.
00:11:37Like, I need to stop whatever I'm doing and hug your face.
00:11:40No.
00:11:41The cuteness of a husky hampers people's ability to make sound decisions.
00:11:45My friend Hut got himself a husky, purely on the basis that it was his little wolfie pie.
00:11:50His words, not mine.
00:11:52Hut got this dog and didn't read up on it.
00:11:55Huskies are balls of energy.
00:11:57They get bored easily and when they're not stimulated, it's chewing time.
00:12:02But huskies are little wolfie pies.
00:12:05I'd love to have a husky.
00:12:06They're always so happy and their fur is like, they're like little hairy marshmallows.
00:12:12Well, Bronx, the hairy little marshmallow,
00:12:15he'd be left alone in Hut's apartment and in no time he was tearing the place apart.
00:12:19And Hut didn't want to get mad at the dog because it was his little pup pup.
00:12:23Hut had to get a new couch, new curtains, new shoes.
00:12:27All thanks to Bronx.
00:12:28You get off Bronx's back, alright?
00:12:32Also, if you knew what he was capable of, why did you let him stay at your apartment?
00:12:37Especially since you don't seem like a dog person.
00:12:40I'm not a dog person, but I was doing a friend a favor.
00:12:43Hut had to go on a business trip.
00:12:45Plus, Hut had told me that Bronx was taking puppy training classes.
00:12:50So I thought I didn't have anything to worry about.
00:12:53I left Bronx downstairs while I went upstairs to bed.
00:12:56And the next morning, I saw that the little wolfie pie had snapped on my apartment.
00:13:01And the shedding? These guys shed like nobody's business.
00:13:05Just white hair clumps everywhere.
00:13:07Turned my living room into an Alaskan winter.
00:13:11So, are you gonna fix the wreckage?
00:13:13I got a guy coming next week.
00:13:15And Hut gave me money to pay for the damages.
00:13:18But this looks terrible, doesn't it?
00:13:21Yeah, but it doesn't take away from how bitchin' this pad is.
00:13:25I'd still take your place over mine any day of the week.
00:13:29For a second though, I thought those scratches were the result of the victim trying to escape.
00:13:37You're welcome.
00:13:39I tried to go along with the last girl who made that joke, but apparently I was too convincing
00:13:44because her whole demeanor changed.
00:13:46And she called the Uber with the quickness.
00:13:49Well, this is kind of American cycle-y.
00:13:52You know, a young guy living in a nice place by himself nonetheless, right?
00:13:57Yeah.
00:13:58You could so be a serial killer.
00:14:01The same could be said about you.
00:14:03People always think it's the guy who invites the girl over to kill her.
00:14:06But what about the girl that comes over the guy's house to kill him?
00:14:10You're right. Femme Patels, they are out there.
00:14:13Online dating requires so much trust.
00:14:16My biggest fear is that I'm gonna meet Justine,
00:14:19only to find out that she's really Justin.
00:14:22Ugh.
00:14:23But the fact that I could be meeting someone that could possibly end my life
00:14:27or cause me great harm,
00:14:30something I don't think about as much as I should.
00:14:33Well, that's a reality I've experienced set on.
00:14:37Seriously?
00:14:39Yeah.
00:14:42It was a little over three years ago.
00:14:44I met this guy on this app.
00:14:47It was on a different one I used to use.
00:14:49I don't use it anymore.
00:14:52Um, but we've been talking for a couple months and I thought he was,
00:15:02I was trying to think of another word for Mr. Perfect, but whatever.
00:15:05He was Mr. Perfect.
00:15:07I should have known that Mr. Perfect is never Mr. Perfect.
00:15:13He was Mr. Perfect at pretending to be Mr. Perfect.
00:15:17But anyway, we decided to meet up and I had the bright idea of inviting him over to my place.
00:15:25As soon as he got there, I knew that he didn't actually want to spend time with me.
00:15:29He just, he wanted to do the deed.
00:15:33Everything he said had something to do with sex.
00:15:36And I immediately knew this was gonna suck.
00:15:42So, I wanted to watch a movie on my shitty little couch, but he insisted that we watch it on
00:15:47my bed.
00:15:48Another trap I fell into.
00:15:51But, I just, I felt uncomfortable and I thought, be nice, watch the movie, and maybe he'll go home.
00:16:01And, not five minutes into the movie, he's kissing me and just being really rough.
00:16:08And I tried pushing him off, but then he just got stronger and he made this really awkward eye contact.
00:16:15And he said, you want me to leave, right?
00:16:19Well, I will. Right after this.
00:16:24And here's the kicker.
00:16:27I, I didn't fight back.
00:16:31I didn't scream.
00:16:32I, I could have done anything in my power to get him off.
00:16:37I could have done all these things that I always told myself I'd do if something like this would ever
00:16:42happen to me.
00:16:44But, then I thought I could be the next headline on one of those Facebook articles.
00:16:52Woman raped and murdered by online date.
00:16:57So, I just lied there.
00:17:01And I cried.
00:17:04And I guess that turned him off because he got off of me and left.
00:17:11And then he blocked me and I never heard from him again.
00:17:19I'm sorry.
00:17:20Things just got really fucking dark.
00:17:22Note to self, don't tell almost getting raped stories.
00:17:26And now I'm trying to make light of it.
00:17:28Oh, my God.
00:17:29There's no coming back from this, is there?
00:17:33Thanks for sharing that with me.
00:17:35And now you're thanking me.
00:17:37I don't even know what to say.
00:17:38Oh, my God.
00:17:40This is like something you share on the 15th date.
00:17:43No, it's...
00:17:45You're right.
00:17:45I don't know what I should be saying, but...
00:17:47That guy's the hideous fucking guy.
00:17:51Yeah, it wasn't a great time for me.
00:17:53I mean, I almost stopped online dating altogether, but it's like...
00:17:57If you get attacked at a grocery store, you're gonna stop food shopping?
00:18:00No.
00:18:02No, I'm really not trying to make light of this. I just...
00:18:05No, you're fine.
00:18:09So I thought I'd give it another chance, and...
00:18:12I know most people in my position wouldn't do that, but...
00:18:16You're strong.
00:18:19Yeah, if you say so.
00:18:23Took me a long-ass time to get back here, but...
00:18:26Here I stand, and...
00:18:29Thankfully, since then, all I've had to deal with is harmless hoosers.
00:18:33I hope I don't become one of those harmless losers.
00:18:36Oh, only the night will come.
00:18:38Okay, I know it'll get us back on track. You got any outfit?
00:18:41Yes. What do you want?
00:18:42Bud Light?
00:18:43No.
00:18:45Budweiser?
00:18:46No.
00:18:47Sam Adams?
00:18:49No.
00:18:50Okay, what do you have?
00:18:51I have apple ale.
00:18:53Anything else?
00:18:57No.
00:18:58So, you asked me what I wanted when you already knew you only had one selection of alki?
00:19:03I was hoping you'd ask for apple ale.
00:19:05That's not even a real beer.
00:19:07That's like promising me a ticket to a Destiny's Child reunion concert, only to find out Beyonce won't be there.
00:19:14Michelle and Kelly are talented in their own right.
00:19:17In their own right? That was such a backhanded compliment.
00:19:20That's not what I meant. They are talented.
00:19:22The only thing they did was elevate Beyonce's eminence.
00:19:25They'd sing and dance circles around you.
00:19:27Well, of course they would. I'm not musically or rhythmically inclined.
00:19:30I think Michelle has a great voice. And so does Kelly. You cannot underplay their journey.
00:19:36Their journey on Beyonce's back?
00:19:39Technical foul.
00:19:40Okay, but who's the first person you think of when you hear the words Destiny's Child? Beyonce?
00:19:45No, I actually think of Michelle.
00:19:47Have you ever been thrown out of your own apartment?
00:19:49Picasso, the only reason Destiny's Child exists was to prepare Beyonce for the phenomenal solo career that she was destined
00:19:56for.
00:19:57That's all any boy or girl group is. They're meant to showcase how great the lead singer is so they
00:20:02can go solo and become megastars.
00:20:04Look at NSYNC. Who's the first person you think of? Justin Timberlake?
00:20:07No, JC. I always thought he had a better voice than Jay Timms.
00:20:11Jay Timms? What is he, your fucking golf buddy?
00:20:15Okay, fine. Forget NSYNC. What about Backstreet Boys? Who do you think of?
00:20:19No, actually, AJ.
00:20:22Okay, now you're deliberately disagreeing with me. You know I'm right.
00:20:26Okay, here we go. B2K. Who drove that group?
00:20:30Omarion.
00:20:31Yes. IMX?
00:20:33Marcus Houston.
00:20:34Mm-hmm. H-Town?
00:20:36Dino.
00:20:36Can you imagine what that feels like? To know the group you're in wouldn't be shit without the lead singer?
00:20:42To know your millions of fans are probably just fans of the lead singer.
00:20:46Hmm. Wait, so did you still want that Appalaya?
00:20:50I mean, since there's nothing else, fine.
00:21:05Thank you, thank you.
00:21:06Yep, yep.
00:21:10So what's the deal with your name?
00:21:12I gotta get to the bottom of this.
00:21:13What do you mean, what's the deal with it?
00:21:15Is Picasso your real name?
00:21:16I'm sure you've answered that a million times, but you've never answered me.
00:21:19My real name is Picasso. It's spelled like Picasso, but it's pronounced Pic-a-so.
00:21:25And who decided Picasso is the name for you?
00:21:28The legend goes that my mom had a list of names, and she didn't know which one to pick.
00:21:34And my dad was very, very impatient. Annoyingly so.
00:21:39Pick. Pick. Pick a fucking name, you trick-ass bitch.
00:21:44My dad would never talk to my mom about that. I was just taking some creative liberties.
00:21:48Okay, I think I know how this ends.
00:21:49Your dad kept telling your mom to pick.
00:21:52She got fed up and named you Picasso as a former rebellion.
00:21:55No.
00:21:56Picasso was actually one of the names on her list.
00:22:0024 years later and I still don't know where she got it from.
00:22:03She swears it had nothing to do with Pablo Picasso and she gets really upset when people say,
00:22:08Well, isn't his name Picasso?
00:22:11She's adamant that I was named Picasso and I shouldn't let anyone call me Picasso.
00:22:15Well, wouldn't she be proud?
00:22:16I've been calling you Picasso all night and you haven't corrected me.
00:22:19I won't correct anyone.
00:22:20Wish my name was Picasso, that's why I answered to it.
00:22:23Picasso sounds like the villain in an episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog.
00:22:26I could so see that.
00:22:28For some reason I'm envisioning a spider-like scarecrow that comes to life and eats your happiness.
00:22:35Oh, I'd watch that episode.
00:22:37Bet your ass you'd watch that episode.
00:22:40So I have something.
00:22:42Why online dating?
00:22:45Cause it's there.
00:22:46I feel like that's so generation-wide.
00:22:49We're too school for cool.
00:22:51We refuse to find romance the way our parents did.
00:22:54We have to do it technologically.
00:22:56Isn't that so ironic though?
00:22:58That we're connecting with someone on a device that isolates us from any and everyone?
00:23:05I was so Jaden Smith just then.
00:23:07Wait, I have a Jaden Smith-ism.
00:23:09I wish I had a giant toilet to flush away the world's problems.
00:23:14Whoa.
00:23:15Thank you, thank you.
00:23:16If baby goats are called kids, can kids be called baby goats?
00:23:20Mmm, baaah.
00:23:24Haircuts are cranial abortions.
00:23:28Are we reading books?
00:23:30Are books reading us?
00:23:34I mean, so what about you?
00:23:35Why was online dating the way to go?
00:23:37Phone's a safety net.
00:23:39Online, you can be anyone.
00:23:41You can say anything.
00:23:42If you get rejected by a girl, you can just block her.
00:23:45But if you get shut down in real life, you gotta wallow in that defeat.
00:23:48You can't just act like nothing happened like you can online.
00:23:52Yeah, but in the same respect, when you meet someone in person, even if they're not interested, they still have
00:23:59to acknowledge you.
00:23:59I mean, at least the manly person will acknowledge you.
00:24:02You're there in the flesh, making your interest known.
00:24:05Whereas online, you get so many messages that people don't respond to.
00:24:10You know, there's nothing that compels people to give you a chance.
00:24:13Yeah, but there's thousands of options online.
00:24:15You'll get it in eventually.
00:24:17Hmm.
00:24:18I didn't mean that.
00:24:19I was just like...
00:24:20Moose, foot for mouth.
00:24:29Hello, nurse.
00:24:32Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:24:34The complete series.
00:24:37That sounded unenthusiastic.
00:24:39Are You Afraid of the Dark is such a whatever show.
00:24:42When it comes to children's horror anthology, Goosebumps takes the cake.
00:24:45You think Goosebumps was a better show than Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:24:48Sisini, I'm worried about you.
00:24:50It was light years better than Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:24:53Ask anyone.
00:24:54Clearly, you need a mental evaluation.
00:24:56If you're gonna put Goosebumps over Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:24:59I mean, on a crappy acting scale, sure.
00:25:03Are You Afraid of the Dark had less crappy performances.
00:25:06But come on, if we're talking about the nostalgia factor, nothing will trump Goosebumps.
00:25:12This is a series that won the kiddies over in television and literature.
00:25:16Mad props to R.L. Stine, alright?
00:25:19Nah!
00:25:20There's just something so accessible about Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:25:23Here you have a diverse group of kids.
00:25:25Well, as diverse as you can get for a Canadian-based program set in the 90s.
00:25:30But these kids had their own little clique, the Midnight Society.
00:25:34And they'd sit around and tell campfire tales.
00:25:37What kid can't relate to telling ghost stories with their friends?
00:25:40The concept alone stole my heart.
00:25:44Why, Goosebumps was just so goddamn fun.
00:25:48See, there it is. Fun.
00:25:49I will agree that Goosebumps was funner, or more fun.
00:25:53Why isn't funner a real word?
00:25:55It sounds like a real word.
00:25:57I think it sounds like a real word.
00:25:59Papasso, please, focus.
00:26:01Goosebumps was fun, but Are You Afraid of the Dark was scary.
00:26:05That's why it will always fart on Goosebumps.
00:26:09The Goosebumps episodes, for the most part, were watered down.
00:26:13You could tell they were made for kids.
00:26:15But Are You Afraid of the Dark had zero chill.
00:26:19The villains were scary, the storylines were dark,
00:26:23and they had no problem ending a tale on a down note.
00:26:26They went there.
00:26:27I always appreciate kid content that doesn't censor itself.
00:26:31Because kids are basically pint-sized adults, right?
00:26:35We can handle the bleak shit.
00:26:38I'm just saying, if I had the choice to binge watch Goosebumps,
00:26:42or Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:26:45I'm always gonna go with Goosebumps.
00:26:47Even if my preference is solely based on the fond memories I have
00:26:52of buying as many Goosebumps stories as I could at the school book fair,
00:26:56or watching the show on Saturday mornings,
00:26:58the happiness that Goosebumps brought me ranks it leaps and bounds
00:27:02above Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:27:09I know what I wanted to ask you.
00:27:11How much is rent here?
00:27:12Uh, like 200-something?
00:27:14Fall off a cliff.
00:27:15You pay 200-something to live here?
00:27:16Uh, well, I own it, that's why.
00:27:18You're a homeowner?
00:27:20Yeah.
00:27:20You own a home.
00:27:23That is what homeowner means.
00:27:25Are you like low-key a millionaire or something?
00:27:28No.
00:27:29My grandfather built cars for Ford.
00:27:31He worked there for almost 30 years.
00:27:35He made some very nice money.
00:27:36And when he passed, he left me a little dough.
00:27:39A little dough to buy a fucking condo.
00:27:42How much did this place cost?
00:27:44No, you don't have to answer that.
00:27:46Wait, yes you do. How much?
00:27:48It was not cheap.
00:27:50That's what I will say.
00:27:52So, what kind of car do you drive, Beamer?
00:27:55No, a Prius.
00:27:56A Prius?
00:27:57What's wrong with Priuses?
00:27:59Do you know how much gas you save with a Prius?
00:28:01Priuses are such anti-climactic cars, you know?
00:28:04They're all so fugly and they're in abundance.
00:28:07I see like 40 Priuses a day and they always make me upset.
00:28:10Why?
00:28:12Prius drivers are so smug, like,
00:28:14Ooh, look at me, I drive the most fuel efficient gasoline powered car in the country.
00:28:18And that's not a good thing?
00:28:20No, it is.
00:28:22Then why so hostile?
00:28:24I don't know.
00:28:25I'll get back to you on that.
00:28:27Also, why are you driving a Toyota car when your grandfather put his blood, sweat and tears
00:28:33into proudly serving the Ford Motor Company?
00:28:36You could probably get discounts on Ford products.
00:28:38Mmm, not at all.
00:28:40Well, you're still lucky.
00:28:42Not that your grandpa died, I'm sorry about that.
00:28:45But leaving you the inheritance?
00:28:47I wish my grandpa would die and leave me some money.
00:28:50Actually, I don't need the money.
00:28:52I just wish my grandpa would die.
00:28:54I don't like my grandpa.
00:28:56He can't say anything without yelling.
00:28:58He always spits when he talks.
00:29:00He can't say thank you.
00:29:02And he always smells like olives when he doesn't even eat olives.
00:29:05Isn't it interesting how in our old age we revert back to infancy?
00:29:09We shit on ourselves freely.
00:29:11We drool when we're excited.
00:29:13Soft foods are marvelous.
00:29:15And we can say whatever we want without any backlash.
00:29:19I remember I was at the mall with my grandpa.
00:29:22And this really obese lady walked by.
00:29:25And my grandfather said very loudly,
00:29:29She got the knot of neck syndrome.
00:29:33Grandpa, what is knot of neck?
00:29:36And he said,
00:29:38No.
00:29:38Damn.
00:29:40Neck.
00:29:41The lady heard him.
00:29:43She turned around.
00:29:44Looked at him.
00:29:46And then walked away.
00:29:48Now, if I had said that.
00:29:50She would have beaten the ambition out of you.
00:29:52Exactly.
00:29:53And that wasn't the first or the last time my grandfather said something crazy like that.
00:29:57Now, my mom isn't the best cook, but she tries.
00:30:02Every Sunday she would make us breakfast.
00:30:05Pancakes, eggs, fruit, you name it.
00:30:08Now, her eggs weren't so bad, but her pancakes were a calamity.
00:30:13Now, my father and I, we never say anything about it.
00:30:18We just eat the pancakes and pretend they were the best flapjacks that we ever had.
00:30:24My grandfather came over one Sunday.
00:30:27And he ate the food, no problem.
00:30:29But after breakfast, my mom asked him how he liked the pancakes.
00:30:33And he said he would like them better if they didn't taste like hot shit.
00:30:39Goddamn Gertrude.
00:30:40My mom didn't even get offended.
00:30:42She just looked at him, laughed, and walked away.
00:30:46I look forward to that.
00:30:48Just being an old dude who doesn't know how to censor himself.
00:30:51You and me both.
00:30:52I'm going to mow kids down in my electric shopping cart.
00:30:58The thought of our generation being grandparents, though, is a little scary.
00:31:02We don't have the same sensibilities our grandparents had.
00:31:05Sock hops, having to wait a whole week just to see a new episode of a TV show.
00:31:11Using landlines.
00:31:13Respecting our elders.
00:31:14Actually working to get what you want.
00:31:17Actually having talent to find success in the film and music industry.
00:31:21Having to meet your boyfriend or girlfriend's parents before you can actually call yourselves a couple.
00:31:25I think our biggest downfall are the pop culture figures.
00:31:29Our parents and grandparents grew up with legit legends.
00:31:32Who are we supposed to brag about to our kids or grandkids?
00:31:36Fetty Wap?
00:31:37Lil Yachty?
00:31:38Bieber the Boy Wonder?
00:31:39We have J. Cole, Bryson Tiller, and your girl Beyonce.
00:31:44We got a few icons among us, but you're right.
00:31:47It's nowhere near as special as it used to be.
00:31:50This is making me sad now.
00:31:52Wait.
00:31:53Random realization.
00:31:55You grilled me about my name, but I've never met anybody named Sisany.
00:32:00Your name's pretty out there, too.
00:32:02Well, it's a pretty uninspired story.
00:32:05I was conceived in Sisany.
00:32:07That's pretty much it.
00:32:08Where's Sisany?
00:32:09It's in Greece.
00:32:10My parents were vacationing there.
00:32:12Things got a little frisky, and then nine months later I was plunged into consciousness.
00:32:18The only difference is my name is spelled with an E at the end.
00:32:21Isn't that unpleasant that your name brings to mind your parents having sex?
00:32:24No.
00:32:25If my parents named me after the place where they got it on, I could never hear my name
00:32:29without thinking of my parents doing unspeakable things.
00:32:34You may have some things you need to work out, then.
00:32:39You are such a guy.
00:32:42I feel like I should be offended by that.
00:32:44No, that's not a bad thing.
00:32:45It's just your apartment is a guy's apartment.
00:32:48Minimal furniture, TV larger than necessary, and I'm getting a vision that in one of your
00:32:54cabinets you have a family-sized bag of chips in it.
00:32:57Sour cream and onion?
00:32:59How do you do it?
00:33:01As good.
00:33:03So, what do you do for fun around here?
00:33:11A-ha.
00:33:15Kobi.
00:33:16You lucky little shit.
00:33:17Is it luck to win seven times in a row?
00:33:19This is skill, Chica.
00:33:21No, reset that shit.
00:33:22Why are you doing this to yourself?
00:33:25Hm?
00:33:323, 2, 1
00:33:34Ray Allen with the shot
00:33:36Booyah
00:33:38Where's the sportsmanship?
00:33:39It is up my ass and down the street
00:33:43You don't have to do that
00:33:44I'll pick it up
00:33:44Can you get me another A&O?
00:33:47Sure can
00:33:48Loser
00:33:51Oh my goodness
00:33:52Everywhere
00:34:11Look what I found
00:34:12This is actually impressive
00:34:14You could easily get your rocks off via the internet
00:34:17But you are taking it back to the old school
00:34:19With the hard copy porn
00:34:21That deserves a slow clap
00:34:25I actually forgot I had that
00:34:27So you're taking ownership then
00:34:29No cockamamie excuses?
00:34:31What could I say?
00:34:32Your friend hot left it?
00:34:34Nope
00:34:35Tell me
00:34:37You've had a lot of these?
00:34:38Not a lot
00:34:39But there are others
00:34:41More honesty
00:34:42Good for you
00:34:43One thing I will say
00:34:45Is I don't always look through that for gratification
00:34:47I also do it because I find something feministic about porn stars
00:34:51You're doing so well
00:34:53Now you're flinging shit in my face
00:34:55I mean
00:34:55Doing porn isn't a glamorous line of work
00:34:59Despite the way it's advertised
00:35:00But I still find something feministic about women in the porn industry
00:35:05Yeah
00:35:06Come in my face Mr. Postman
00:35:08What freedom fighters they are
00:35:10Well
00:35:12Well on a cursory level
00:35:13It seems very demeaning
00:35:15But
00:35:15These women are loaded
00:35:17Loaded with semen
00:35:19No
00:35:20Well
00:35:21Yeah
00:35:21But they're also loaded with cash
00:35:23They get paid to screw
00:35:26So
00:35:26If you had a daughter
00:35:28And she ended up being a porn star
00:35:29You'd support her
00:35:31I wouldn't want that
00:35:33But
00:35:33If she's of age
00:35:34She can make a living however she'd like
00:35:36As long as it's legal
00:35:37You don't mean that
00:35:38Look
00:35:39Women are sexualized every day against their will
00:35:41Porn stars are
00:35:43Totally and completely in control
00:35:45Of what goes in or out of their bodies
00:35:47They're not doing anything that they don't want to do
00:35:49Yeah but
00:35:50What about those videos where the dudes take it too far
00:35:53They go way past their co-star's comfort level
00:35:56Without an ounce of compassion
00:35:57Those guys are dick shits
00:35:59But for the most part
00:36:00The porn industry has stipulations that are respected
00:36:02I'm not saying that women should set their sights on doing porn
00:36:05Of course not
00:36:06I am saying those women that
00:36:08For whatever reason
00:36:10Find themselves in that world
00:36:11The ones with tough skin
00:36:13The ones who know that they're more than just fat titty bimbo number two
00:36:17They deserve recognition for paying the bills
00:36:19With the assets that they've been blessed with
00:36:21The assets they were blessed with
00:36:23Um like 90% of porn stars have
00:36:27Fake asses
00:36:28Fake boobs
00:36:29Fake hair
00:36:30Fake lips
00:36:31Fake eyes
00:36:32Well they were blessed with the money to adorn themselves
00:36:34Yeah but why are they doing that
00:36:36They're doing that to follow some beauty chart
00:36:39That was created
00:36:39By some fucking vermin
00:36:41Who thinks he has the authority to decide what makes a woman attractive
00:36:44Yeah but they're doing what they have to do to stay in the game
00:36:47Yeah but in the end
00:36:48It's the men who call the shots
00:36:50Hardly feministic
00:36:51But the face of porn
00:36:53The ones that are keeping this industry as popular as it is
00:36:57Are the women
00:36:58Yeah but look at the side effects
00:37:00You got those guys out there
00:37:01That only know how to relate to women
00:37:03By what they see on their computer screens
00:37:05Did you figure out what happened to me?
00:37:07You're totally right
00:37:08I'm just saying that porn stars are just doing their jobs
00:37:11You can't blame them for the dummies out there
00:37:13That don't know the difference between reality and fantasy
00:37:16That's like watching Man of Steel
00:37:19And saying oh Superman can fly
00:37:22So can I
00:37:23You both tried
00:37:24And they're dummies
00:37:25Like I said
00:37:26But porn can be a means to better oneself
00:37:28Like look at that girl who did porn to pay her tuition
00:37:31She used what she had to get what she needed
00:37:33And that's awesome
00:37:35I know a guy that has sex with grannies to keep himself financially satiated
00:37:39And he's hailed for it
00:37:40Female porn stars deserve praise too
00:37:43You have a friend that has sex with old ladies for money
00:37:47That is revolting
00:37:50Gotta eat
00:37:50No pun intended
00:37:52That pun was so intended
00:37:54How old is this guy?
00:37:5624
00:37:57Of course he is
00:37:59Yet another generation wide distinction
00:38:01Only a 90s baby would mitigate his probity by investing in his dick
00:38:06You act like prostitution and being a sugar baby are new professions
00:38:11They've been around for centuries
00:38:13I know that
00:38:14But back then people had to sell their bodies because they had no other way to provide for themselves
00:38:19They also weren't proud of what they were doing
00:38:22Does this guy enjoy having sex with grannies?
00:38:25Oh yeah
00:38:26Ew
00:38:27Sex is for pleasure
00:38:28Not profit
00:38:29I've always thought that any work that was legal was good work
00:38:33And porn is legal
00:38:35Prostitution isn't legal
00:38:36It is in Nevada
00:38:37Being a sugar baby isn't legal either
00:38:39It actually is
00:38:40The guy I told you about
00:38:42He actually explained how it works
00:38:43He hangs out with the grannies
00:38:45But there's never an explicit deal to exchange money for sex
00:38:48This guy
00:38:49He's
00:38:50He's pretty vulgar
00:38:51He talks about sex
00:38:53A lot
00:38:54But it's more than that
00:38:55His sugar mamas take care of him
00:38:57And he provides them with companionship
00:38:59Sex is just a bonus
00:39:01Doesn't matter which way you frame it
00:39:03Prostitution
00:39:04Sugar babying
00:39:05Porn
00:39:06None of that's reputable
00:39:08What is reputable?
00:39:09A job that requires you to keep your clothes on
00:39:12You're in finance, right?
00:39:14Yeah
00:39:16That's a real job
00:39:17But it's not a job that I enjoy
00:39:19Then why do you do it?
00:39:21Because it pays well
00:39:22Look
00:39:23A person like my grandpa
00:39:24He worked to take care of his family
00:39:26I don't even know if he liked working for Ford
00:39:28But he did it
00:39:29That's the old school mentality
00:39:31Work to provide
00:39:32Not work to enjoy
00:39:34That's something our generation does get right though
00:39:36We don't do shit unless it makes us happy
00:39:40I missed the memo apparently
00:39:43So how did you get into finance if you don't like it?
00:39:48You're probably going to think I'm flinging more shit in your face
00:39:50But senior year of high school
00:39:52I saw everyone around me latch onto a field of study
00:39:56I saw everyone find something that they really connected with
00:40:01I didn't know what I wanted to do
00:40:03And I didn't want anyone to know that I didn't know what I wanted to do
00:40:06So literally I looked up the top 10 most popular professions
00:40:11I wrote them all down on separate pieces of paper
00:40:15I put them in a hat
00:40:17And I picked one
00:40:18And
00:40:20Started counting
00:40:21So you spent 4 years studying something you have no interest in
00:40:26Yeah
00:40:27I thought by the time I turned 18
00:40:29I should have found my calling
00:40:30And when I hadn't I was worried
00:40:32Even now I don't really know where I'd be
00:40:34If I hadn't done that college major raffle
00:40:38I live my days as a chameleon
00:40:40I go to work because that's what people my age do
00:40:44I drink coffee because that's what people my age do
00:40:49The only time I don't feel out of place is when I'm sitting on my futon watching TV
00:40:55That's why I salute porn stars and the people that you may call degenerates
00:40:58Because at least they're doing what they enjoy
00:41:02And
00:41:03Speaking of doing things you enjoy
00:41:05You're a dramaturg
00:41:06I've never even heard of that before you
00:41:08But it's something that you're keen on
00:41:11You contextualize the world of a play
00:41:14You're the bridge that connects the text
00:41:17The actors
00:41:18And the audience
00:41:20Do you know what any of that means
00:41:22Or are you just snowballing the shit I told you before
00:41:24A little bit of both
00:41:27But I'm mostly snowballing
00:41:29We're theatrical gurus
00:41:31Basically
00:41:33We're critical thinkers to the highest degree
00:41:35We take literary info
00:41:38Cultural info
00:41:39Artistic info
00:41:40And
00:41:41Symbolic info
00:41:42Though that's pretty much in line with artistic info
00:41:45And we provide all of that to our team
00:41:48Before and during the show
00:41:49And then sometimes after
00:41:51Depending on how much of a mindfuck the play was
00:41:54And you're working on an ecological piece now, right?
00:41:56The Shakespeare one?
00:41:57Yeah, we're doing an interactive adaptation of A Midsummer Night's Dream
00:42:01There's no actual set
00:42:03It takes place all outside
00:42:04We're really playing with nature's role in this world that Shakespeare created
00:42:09Whether he knew it or not
00:42:10He really gave a voice to nature in the form of fairies
00:42:14The forest is their home
00:42:16The forest is what they know
00:42:17The fairies
00:42:19Creatures that embody nature
00:42:20They're the strongest characters in the entire play
00:42:23And the fact that they're proficient in enchantment
00:42:27Conveys just how dominant nature is
00:42:30So we're really trying to bring all that out
00:42:32I'd really like to see that
00:42:34I can get you a ticket
00:42:37But here's my thing about ecological theater
00:42:39I saw this play once
00:42:41I don't know what it was called
00:42:43But it was about these two polar bears
00:42:44That were struggling to survive in a changing climate
00:42:47One thing I could not get over was
00:42:49Why these polar bears spoke like people
00:42:51And not just any people
00:42:53They spoke like characters in a mammoth play
00:42:55Like F words and all
00:42:57I think I know what play you're talking about
00:42:59Ben and Bart
00:43:00Sure, but if you really want to create an ecological theater piece
00:43:04Wouldn't it be best to show animals and nature as they really are?
00:43:08I mean, I understand what you and your team are doing
00:43:10But that's different because you're working with material that already exists
00:43:14But this Ben and Bart stuff
00:43:16Polar bears don't talk
00:43:18This little buddy comedy approach
00:43:21It diminished how serious climate change is
00:43:23And it humanized a very non-human narrative
00:43:27It would have been much more compelling to let actors that actually look like bears
00:43:32Move around the space and react to what's going on without talking
00:43:35I'd be all for that
00:43:37But most audiences won't pay to see something like that
00:43:40That's why you see talking trees or talking polar bears
00:43:43We try to wrap an ecological message into the play without the audience knowing
00:43:48Then don't advertise them as ecological plays
00:43:51Just call them plays
00:43:53You got any food?
00:43:56I think some chips would make you happy
00:43:58I think you're right
00:44:00Okay, here's one
00:44:01Kill, fuck, marry
00:44:04Meg
00:44:05Princess Jasmine
00:44:06And Princess Tiana
00:44:08That is quite the roster
00:44:10I would
00:44:14It's not giving it to her, right?
00:44:16I would marry Princess Tiana
00:44:18Because I really think she'd make me feel invincible
00:44:21Sorry, Meg
00:44:22Of course you'd kill the most underrated Disney princess in the world
00:44:26What other princess gives you cynicism, beauty, and background?
00:44:30Still gotta kill her
00:44:31You're such an ass dragon
00:44:32Okay, this is getting serious
00:44:35Prince Charming
00:44:37Lee Shang
00:44:38And the beast in human form
00:44:41Um, jeez
00:44:42Okay, kill Prince Charming
00:44:44He's too much of a square for me
00:44:45Marry Lee Shang
00:44:47Because I think he'd make a man out of me
00:44:49And fuck the beast
00:44:51Because he's a beast
00:44:52Ah, that's a noble selection
00:44:55Oh, yes
00:44:56Ursula
00:44:57Cruella de Vil
00:44:59And Lady Tremaine
00:45:00Ooh
00:45:01I'd kill Cruella immediately
00:45:02She's too skinny for me
00:45:03I would marry Lady Tremaine
00:45:06And I would fuck Ursula
00:45:08I'm swimming all up in that octopussy
00:45:10Oh my god, you really just said that
00:45:14Okay, I get very involved in my play-ins games, okay?
00:45:17Alright
00:45:18Jafar
00:45:20Hades
00:45:21And Gaston
00:45:23Now, you'd think I'd fuck the muscle-bound Gaston, right?
00:45:26Hell no
00:45:27He'd rather fuck himself
00:45:28So I'm gonna kill him
00:45:30Marry Hades
00:45:31Because he's the ruler of the underworld
00:45:33Can someone say sovereignty?
00:45:36And fuck Jafar
00:45:37Because underneath that rough exterior
00:45:39I think he'd be a generous lover
00:45:41Now that deserves a slow clap
00:45:44Wait, I have to do it with you
00:45:55You sure you want to do this?
00:45:56Did you not hear me when I said I'm the Riddler?
00:45:58Okay, last chance to tap out
00:46:00I don't need to tap out
00:46:01I'm the Riddler
00:46:02Are you really?
00:46:03Yes
00:46:03As an only child, you have a lot of down time
00:46:06I read riddle books all day
00:46:09That's not something I'd brag about
00:46:11Whatever
00:46:12I'm ready like SpongeBob, alright?
00:46:14Okay, you know what happens if you get one wrong
00:46:16I do know
00:46:17But that's not something I need to worry about
00:46:19Because I'm gonna ace this shit
00:46:22Okay, coming at you
00:46:24Five of the hardest riddles
00:46:25Five of the easiest riddles
00:46:28Number one
00:46:28It's more powerful than God
00:46:30It's more evil than the devil
00:46:32The poor have it
00:46:33The rich need it
00:46:34If you eat it, you'll die
00:46:35What is it?
00:46:35Nothing
00:46:36I have two arms but fingers none
00:46:38I have two feet but cannot run
00:46:40I carry well but have found
00:46:41I carry best with my feet off the ground
00:46:43What am I?
00:46:44Come on, wheelbarrow
00:46:46The more you take, the more you leave behind
00:46:48What am I?
00:46:49Fingerprints
00:46:49You can't handle me
00:46:51What disappears as soon as you say its name?
00:46:54Silence
00:46:54Last one, come on
00:46:56What type of dress cannot be worn?
00:46:59That was your last one?
00:47:00Really?
00:47:00You could have done better
00:47:01Much, much better
00:47:03An address
00:47:08Okay, now I have a bonus one for you
00:47:11That wasn't a part of the deal
00:47:12I thought you were the riddler
00:47:14Fine, riddle my boots
00:47:16Okay
00:47:16Went to a football game, right?
00:47:18Mm-hmm
00:47:18The quarterback threw a pass to the wide receiver
00:47:21The wide receiver caught it in the end zone
00:47:24But no guys scored a touchdown
00:47:25How can that be?
00:47:27What?
00:47:28This has to be a trick question
00:47:29Was there a penalty or something?
00:47:31No, it was a very clean touchdown
00:47:33There just weren't any guys on the field
00:47:34That can't be
00:47:35You can't score a touchdown without any guys on the field
00:47:38I'm telling you no guys were playing
00:47:41Was it an imaginary game or something?
00:47:43No, it was a very real game
00:47:46You gotta be pulling my leg
00:47:49You can't score a touchdown without any guys
00:47:52What are you talking about?
00:47:53It was an all-girls football game
00:47:55God damn, Gertrude
00:48:00Gonna do some relish
00:48:02I think we'll top it off with some chocolate sauce
00:48:09Oh, yeah
00:48:12Stir that bad boy up
00:48:15One disaster on the rocks for the overconfident young bloke
00:48:20Can I tap out now?
00:48:22I thought you didn't need to tap out
00:48:23You're the riddler, remember?
00:48:26Drink up
00:48:27And if you're gonna barf
00:48:28Do it that way
00:48:46O que é isso?
00:49:01O que é isso?
00:49:32O que é isso?
00:49:34O que é isso?
00:49:35O que é isso?
00:49:36O que é isso?
00:49:40O que é isso?
00:49:42O que é isso?
00:49:43O que é isso?
00:49:48O que é isso?
00:50:20O que é isso?
00:50:22O que é isso?
00:50:22O que é isso?
00:50:22O que é isso?
00:50:23O que é isso?
00:50:24O que é isso?
00:50:38O que é isso?
00:50:53O que é isso?
00:50:54O que é isso?
00:50:56O que é isso?
00:50:57O que é isso?
00:51:07O que é isso?
00:51:24O que é isso?
00:51:25O que é isso?
00:51:26O que é isso?
00:51:30O que é isso?
00:51:50O que é isso?
00:51:53O que é isso?
00:52:03O que é isso?
00:52:05O que é isso?
00:52:10O que é isso?
00:52:13O que é isso?
00:52:24O que é isso?
00:52:25O que é isso?
00:52:26O que é isso?
00:52:28O que é isso?
00:52:29O que é isso?
00:52:30O que é isso?
00:52:33O que é isso?
00:52:35Eu acho que não.
00:52:39Eu nunca teria pedido pedofilia
00:52:42de fora da box.
00:52:42Claro que não.
00:52:44Mas quem foram eles?
00:52:46O que eles fizeram?
00:52:48E por que eles fizeram so muito tempo
00:52:50para jogar com eles em uma box?
00:52:54O que é isso?
00:52:56O que é isso?
00:52:57O que eles fizeram?
00:52:59O que eles fizeram?
00:53:00Os senhores, como os sães,
00:53:02que têm seu caminho com eles.
00:53:03Isso parecem.
00:53:04Isso parecem uma defamation de fixação.
00:53:05O que?
00:53:06Esses são só coisas.
00:53:08Fictitiosos.
00:53:09Que pensam que eles gostam de viver
00:53:11no 90s.
00:53:12Para que eles vivam com os anos.
00:53:13Cope com os seus primeiros.
00:53:15Se eu romper os meus vídeos
00:53:16meus filhos de minha filha,
00:53:18são até vocês.
00:53:19O que é isso?
00:53:20Eu estou falando com muita coisa.
00:53:22Eu estou com a sua boa.
00:53:23O que é isso?
00:53:24Então.
00:53:25Um, então.
00:53:27Eu tenho um Johnny Bravo theory.
00:53:29Let's hear it.
00:53:31Ok.
00:53:34So,
00:53:35eu sempre me lembro de me perguntando,
00:53:37depois de ver Johnny Bravo,
00:53:39por que ele nunca se engança de girls.
00:53:41Sim, ele é um asshole.
00:53:42Sim, ele é arrogante.
00:53:44Sim, ele lacks subtlety.
00:53:45Mas, no real mundo,
00:53:47como meninos go after jerks?
00:53:49A lot.
00:53:50Então, toda mulher que Johnny
00:53:52tem qualquer tipo de interação com
00:53:54sempre hates ele?
00:53:55Eu não buy isso.
00:53:57Bom, ele vive em casa com his mom.
00:53:59Eles não conhecem isso.
00:54:01Como eles não conhecem isso?
00:54:02Eles estão apenas me conhecendo
00:54:03para a primeira vez.
00:54:05Mas,
00:54:05é algo mais.
00:54:07Aqui é meu teorio
00:54:08de por que ele é tão unlucky
00:54:09com os homens.
00:54:10O Johnny Bravo que nós,
00:54:11as audiência membros,
00:54:12não é o real Johnny Bravo.
00:54:15O real Johnny Bravo
00:54:16é short,
00:54:18bald,
00:54:19possivelmente smelly,
00:54:20rotund.
00:54:21See,
00:54:21em seu distinto de mente,
00:54:23ele criou um idealizado
00:54:25projeção do seu interno.
00:54:26a pessoa que ele aspira
00:54:27para ser.
00:54:28Então,
00:54:28no interior,
00:54:29ele é tall,
00:54:30good-looking,
00:54:31trapping,
00:54:32the quintessential manly man.
00:54:34In the Johnny Bravo universe,
00:54:37the women that interact
00:54:38with Johnny Bravo
00:54:39aren't seeing
00:54:39the Johnny Bravo
00:54:40that we see.
00:54:41They're seeing
00:54:42a loser.
00:54:44His true self.
00:54:45I'll never look at Johnny Bravo
00:54:48the same way.
00:54:49That's all I wanted.
00:54:51So,
00:54:52tell me something.
00:54:53Is it true that girls
00:54:54hate it when guys
00:54:55send hey
00:54:56as the first message?
00:54:57I'm indifferent
00:54:58to the whole
00:54:59creative first message thing,
00:55:01but I do have
00:55:02some friends
00:55:02that get pretty flustered.
00:55:04Hmm.
00:55:04Is it also true
00:55:06that girls' DMs
00:55:07are 50% graphically perverted
00:55:09and 50% bland as hell?
00:55:11No,
00:55:12it's more like
00:55:1380% graphically perverted
00:55:15and 20% bland as hell.
00:55:18So,
00:55:19what's the weirdest thing
00:55:20a guy said to you?
00:55:21Oh,
00:55:21I have a hall of fame
00:55:22of weird messages.
00:55:24Most of them
00:55:24I don't like to repeat,
00:55:25but I did have
00:55:26this one guy ask
00:55:27if he could lick
00:55:28the back of my neck.
00:55:30What?
00:55:30Yep.
00:55:31He didn't lead into it,
00:55:33didn't prepare me
00:55:33for his creepazoidery,
00:55:35he just went for it.
00:55:36And usually,
00:55:37I'd block eyes
00:55:38like that immediately,
00:55:39but I was kind of curious.
00:55:41So I asked,
00:55:42why do you want to
00:55:43lick the back of my neck?
00:55:44And he said
00:55:45he wanted to know
00:55:46what a champion
00:55:47tastes like.
00:55:49Oh.
00:55:50I hate people sometimes.
00:55:52Sometimes?
00:55:54Oh,
00:55:54and I can't tell you
00:55:55how many dick pics I get.
00:55:56I get one like
00:55:57every fucking day.
00:55:58I got one this morning.
00:56:00Shit.
00:56:00Have you ever
00:56:01sent a dick pic?
00:56:02Nope.
00:56:03That's not even
00:56:04a consideration.
00:56:05That shit travels
00:56:06online like an oil spill.
00:56:08I'm not going to
00:56:09lose my job
00:56:10because there's pictures
00:56:11of me and Mr. Pink
00:56:12floating around.
00:56:13Why is your penis
00:56:14called Mr. Pink?
00:56:16Because he goes
00:56:17in vaginas
00:56:18and vaginas are pink.
00:56:20Not all of them?
00:56:23Ew.
00:56:24So,
00:56:25what's the weirdest
00:56:26thing a girl's
00:56:26ever said to you?
00:56:27I once had this girl
00:56:29ask me if she could
00:56:30borrow $20,000
00:56:31to bail her dad
00:56:32out of jail.
00:56:33Are you serious?
00:56:34Sorry.
00:56:35And I told her
00:56:36that I couldn't
00:56:36because I just
00:56:37spent $20,000
00:56:38bailing my own
00:56:39dad out of jail.
00:56:41Trats.
00:56:42I also had this
00:56:43one girl ask me
00:56:44if I was interested
00:56:45in letting her
00:56:45stick a stalk
00:56:46of celery
00:56:47up my ass.
00:56:48God damn, Gertrude.
00:56:51My messages
00:56:51are split
00:56:52in four categories.
00:56:53The weirdy pants,
00:56:54the tireless
00:56:55spam bots,
00:56:56the racist bozos,
00:56:58and the chill
00:56:59chicas.
00:56:59Am I a chill
00:57:01chica?
00:57:01You are.
00:57:02I fucking
00:57:03better be.
00:57:04I think it's funny
00:57:06how online dating
00:57:07has become a
00:57:08legitimate way
00:57:09to make a
00:57:09connection with
00:57:10someone,
00:57:10but I still
00:57:11won't admit
00:57:11that I use it.
00:57:12You have no idea
00:57:13how true that is.
00:57:14I think like
00:57:15three of my friends
00:57:16know that I use
00:57:17dating apps.
00:57:18Because, I mean,
00:57:19yes, it's commonplace,
00:57:20but you still get
00:57:21judged so hard for it.
00:57:23Like, why are you
00:57:24talking to people
00:57:25online?
00:57:25That's so weird.
00:57:26You can't find
00:57:27a boyfriend online.
00:57:28Like, is it my life
00:57:30or is it yours?
00:57:32Please say that again
00:57:33for our listeners
00:57:34at home.
00:57:36Is it my life
00:57:38or is it yours?
00:57:40Tell it, tell it
00:57:41like it's two eyes.
00:57:59Look at the puppy.
00:58:02My friend just
00:58:03sent me this.
00:58:04Look at his
00:58:05little ears.
00:58:07If you do not
00:58:07think this is cute,
00:58:08you have the devil
00:58:09in you.
00:58:09No, it is.
00:58:10I just don't
00:58:11understand why
00:58:12people go cuckoo
00:58:13for Cocoa Puffs
00:58:14every time they
00:58:14see a puppy
00:58:15or any other
00:58:15furry pint-sized
00:58:16animals.
00:58:17Because they're
00:58:18the cutest things
00:58:19ever and they
00:58:20represent all
00:58:20that's good
00:58:21in the world.
00:58:22But here's what
00:58:23I'm trying to
00:58:23understand.
00:58:24People die
00:58:25every day.
00:58:26No one seems
00:58:27to care.
00:58:28But let a puppy
00:58:29die or a kitten
00:58:30die in its
00:58:31mass hysteria.
00:58:32Did you not
00:58:33hear what I
00:58:33just said?
00:58:34Cute animals
00:58:35represent all
00:58:36that's good
00:58:36in the world.
00:58:37their only
00:58:38responsibility
00:58:38is to be
00:58:39cute and
00:58:40fluffy and
00:58:41let me hug
00:58:41you little
00:58:42functions.
00:58:43Is the baby
00:58:44voice necessary?
00:58:45Yes.
00:58:47Miss Popular.
00:58:49Okay, you
00:58:50want to see
00:58:50one of the
00:58:51messages you
00:58:51guys sent
00:58:51me?
00:58:52Here.
00:58:53That violates
00:58:54so many health
00:58:55codes.
00:58:56Welcome to
00:58:56my DMs.
00:58:58Sorry,
00:58:59ZanzyStan46,
00:59:00but your ass
00:59:01is getting
00:59:01blocked.
00:59:02These guys
00:59:02are barbarians.
00:59:03I appreciate
00:59:05how disgusted
00:59:05you are,
00:59:06but I'm sure
00:59:06you've sent
00:59:07your titillating
00:59:07messages.
00:59:08Nope.
00:59:09I'm the
00:59:10boring guy,
00:59:10really.
00:59:11I usually
00:59:12start off
00:59:12with,
00:59:13hey,
00:59:13or,
00:59:14what's your
00:59:15favorite TV
00:59:15show?
00:59:16I mean,
00:59:17look at our
00:59:17convos.
00:59:18I haven't said
00:59:18anything too
00:59:19racy.
00:59:19That's actually
00:59:20true.
00:59:21You have been
00:59:22pretty racy
00:59:22tonight,
00:59:22though.
00:59:23Because I'm
00:59:24comfortable.
00:59:25I have that
00:59:26effect on people.
00:59:27Okay,
00:59:28Colonel Comfortable,
00:59:30how many girls
00:59:30have you brought
00:59:31back here?
00:59:31Not including
00:59:32me.
00:59:33Well,
00:59:34that's certainly
00:59:34escalated.
00:59:35Look,
00:59:36the past is
00:59:36the past.
00:59:37I'm not going
00:59:37to hold
00:59:38anything against
00:59:38you.
00:59:39I'm just
00:59:39curious.
00:59:40I mean,
00:59:41in total,
00:59:43six girls
00:59:43have been
00:59:43here,
00:59:45one of whom
00:59:45was underage.
00:59:49I didn't do
00:59:50anything with
00:59:50her.
00:59:51I thought
00:59:51she was
00:59:5124.
00:59:52The second
00:59:53I realized
00:59:54that she
00:59:54was born
00:59:55post the
00:59:55Amanda show,
00:59:56I made
00:59:57her leave.
00:59:58So,
00:59:59one of the
00:59:59six girls
01:00:00you didn't
01:00:00do anything
01:00:01with,
01:00:01what about
01:00:02the other
01:00:02ones?
01:00:03You're not
01:00:04even trying
01:00:05to approach
01:00:05this with
01:00:06any delicacy.
01:00:08Why not
01:00:08just ask
01:00:09what you
01:00:09really want
01:00:10to ask?
01:00:10How many
01:00:11girls have
01:00:12I slept
01:00:12with?
01:00:12How many?
01:00:13In my
01:00:14whole life?
01:00:15Four.
01:00:16Only four?
01:00:17Only four.
01:00:19You want to
01:00:19get specific?
01:00:21I was a
01:00:22virgin all
01:00:22through high
01:00:22school.
01:00:23I lost
01:00:24my virginity
01:00:24when I
01:00:25was 20
01:00:26and only
01:00:27had one
01:00:27other partner
01:00:27in college.
01:00:29After
01:00:29graduating,
01:00:30I started
01:00:31using the
01:00:31dating apps
01:00:32and only
01:00:32managed to
01:00:33hook up
01:00:33with two
01:00:33girls.
01:00:34No game?
01:00:36Actually,
01:00:36and I'm not
01:00:37saying this to
01:00:37brag,
01:00:38my body
01:00:38count could
01:00:39have been
01:00:39higher.
01:00:40I had
01:00:40opportunities.
01:00:41So,
01:00:41why didn't
01:00:42you get
01:00:42it in?
01:00:43I don't
01:00:43know any
01:00:43guys to
01:00:44shy away
01:00:44from sex.
01:00:46Why are
01:00:47you shaking
01:00:47your head?
01:00:48Because I'm
01:00:48going to
01:00:49sound like
01:00:49such a
01:00:49wimp after
01:00:50saying this.
01:00:50Let me
01:00:51decide that,
01:00:52all right?
01:00:54I haven't
01:00:55had many
01:00:55partners because
01:00:56I guess I
01:00:58like the
01:00:58idea of
01:00:59being a
01:01:00Mac more
01:01:00than actually
01:01:01being a
01:01:02Mac.
01:01:03Now, of
01:01:04course, in
01:01:05the presence
01:01:05of my boys,
01:01:06I've had
01:01:06women all
01:01:07around town,
01:01:08but I
01:01:09want to
01:01:09return the
01:01:10honesty that
01:01:10you shared
01:01:11with me
01:01:11with a
01:01:11little honesty
01:01:12of my own.
01:01:13I say a
01:01:14lot of
01:01:14things,
01:01:15but I'm
01:01:16not having
01:01:17sex like
01:01:17that.
01:01:18I mean,
01:01:18I can be
01:01:19very sexually
01:01:20explicit with
01:01:21the things
01:01:21that I
01:01:21say,
01:01:22but actually
01:01:23going out
01:01:23there and
01:01:23knocking
01:01:24them dead,
01:01:24I'm...
01:01:27The only
01:01:28person aside
01:01:28from you
01:01:29that knows
01:01:29this is
01:01:30my friend
01:01:30Hutt,
01:01:31and even
01:01:32he gets
01:01:32the edited
01:01:33version.
01:01:34He thinks
01:01:35I've just
01:01:35hit a dry
01:01:36spell.
01:01:37He doesn't
01:01:38know my
01:01:38low number
01:01:39of sexual
01:01:40partners is
01:01:42purposeful.
01:01:45All right,
01:01:46I give you
01:01:47full permission
01:01:47to rag on
01:01:48me.
01:01:48I just
01:01:49don't want
01:01:49you thinking
01:01:49that I'm
01:01:50just the
01:01:50average fuck
01:01:51boy because
01:01:52I'm really
01:01:52not,
01:01:53so...
01:01:53So,
01:01:54does this
01:01:55mean your
01:01:55dick isn't
01:01:56really named
01:01:57Mr. Pink?
01:01:58His real
01:01:59name is
01:01:59Sheldon.
01:02:01But he
01:02:01has been
01:02:01known to
01:02:02answer to
01:02:02Mr. Pink
01:02:03sometimes.
01:02:05I don't
01:02:06know you're
01:02:06telling me
01:02:06the truth.
01:02:07What if
01:02:08this is just
01:02:08a lie and
01:02:09you feed all
01:02:09the other
01:02:09girls?
01:02:10I would
01:02:10do that.
01:02:12Even if I
01:02:12was trying to
01:02:13run game
01:02:13one year,
01:02:14I wouldn't
01:02:14do it by
01:02:15downplaying
01:02:15the number
01:02:16of girls
01:02:16I've slept
01:02:17with.
01:02:17Why not?
01:02:18Sensitive
01:02:18guys are
01:02:19in.
01:02:19Nothing
01:02:20that I'm
01:02:20saying is
01:02:21a lie.
01:02:21This is
01:02:22the real
01:02:22picazo.
01:02:24Isn't
01:02:24there women's
01:02:25intuition?
01:02:26You have
01:02:27a knack
01:02:28for sensing
01:02:28the shit
01:02:30of the
01:02:30bull.
01:02:31Is there
01:02:32anything telling
01:02:32you that I'm
01:02:33being dishonest?
01:02:36I'm all
01:02:37talk.
01:02:39Truthfully,
01:02:40the idea of
01:02:41hooking up
01:02:41with hundreds
01:02:42of girls
01:02:44kind of
01:02:44gives me
01:02:45anxiety,
01:02:46but I
01:02:47wear the
01:02:47pimp hat
01:02:48because...
01:02:48You're a
01:02:49chameleon.
01:02:52I've only
01:02:53been with
01:02:53five guys
01:02:54for the
01:02:54record.
01:02:56I haven't
01:02:56had sex
01:02:56in over
01:02:57three years.
01:02:58Been on
01:02:59some dates,
01:02:59but nothing
01:03:00got physical.
01:03:01Not since
01:03:02Mr.
01:03:03Not-So-Perfect.
01:03:05Do you
01:03:05go to
01:03:05these guys'
01:03:06houses?
01:03:06At first,
01:03:07I vowed
01:03:08to keep
01:03:09meetings in
01:03:09public areas,
01:03:10you know,
01:03:11just in case
01:03:11I had to
01:03:11deal with
01:03:12another
01:03:12psycho.
01:03:14But then
01:03:15I realized
01:03:16a lot of
01:03:16guys wear
01:03:17their Mr.
01:03:18Perfect
01:03:18masks.
01:03:19They say
01:03:20what they
01:03:20think they
01:03:21need to
01:03:21say to
01:03:22get the
01:03:22second date,
01:03:23anything to
01:03:24get the
01:03:24final prize,
01:03:25which is
01:03:27when I
01:03:28finally got
01:03:29my zing
01:03:29back and
01:03:30stopped
01:03:30thinking every
01:03:31guy was a
01:03:32predator,
01:03:33I started
01:03:34accepting
01:03:34invitations to
01:03:35houses,
01:03:36which I know
01:03:37is a very
01:03:37unsafe thing
01:03:38to do,
01:03:39but I
01:03:40think the
01:03:41best way to
01:03:42observe someone
01:03:43is in their
01:03:43natural habitat,
01:03:45their home.
01:03:46I'm not a
01:03:47complete lame
01:03:48brain.
01:03:48I do have
01:03:48mace and
01:03:49other defensive
01:03:50materials on
01:03:51deck.
01:03:51No, I'm
01:03:52the scared
01:03:52one.
01:03:53Just what
01:03:54I wanted.
01:03:56Okay, I
01:03:57want to see
01:03:57something.
01:03:58I want to
01:03:59see your
01:03:59best fuck
01:04:00boy.
01:04:01What?
01:04:02Act like
01:04:02I'm not
01:04:03me, you're
01:04:04not you,
01:04:05we're
01:04:05strangers in
01:04:06the night.
01:04:07How would
01:04:07you approach
01:04:08me if you
01:04:08were actually
01:04:09the player you
01:04:10pretend to
01:04:10be?
01:04:11Isn't it
01:04:12too early for
01:04:12role playing?
01:04:13Shut up,
01:04:14come on,
01:04:15this is your
01:04:15chance to
01:04:15authenticate your
01:04:16smoothness.
01:04:17I want to
01:04:18see you pick
01:04:18me up.
01:04:19But I
01:04:20already got
01:04:20you to
01:04:20my apartment.
01:04:21We're not
01:04:22in your
01:04:22apartment.
01:04:23Pretend
01:04:24we're in
01:04:25a cafe.
01:04:26I'm already
01:04:27here drinking
01:04:27my raspberry
01:04:28ice latte.
01:04:30You come
01:04:31in for your
01:04:31usual double
01:04:33espresso and
01:04:34crumb cake.
01:04:34You see me
01:04:35over yonder,
01:04:36attached to
01:04:36my phone.
01:04:37Whatever does
01:04:38the big
01:04:39player play
01:04:39a dude?
01:04:41You really
01:04:42want to do
01:04:42this?
01:04:42I wasn't
01:04:43oddly specific
01:04:44for nothing.
01:04:46Okay.
01:04:57cut.
01:04:59Can you
01:04:59not walk
01:05:00like you're
01:05:00about to
01:05:00backhand me?
01:05:01I was just
01:05:01feeling out
01:05:02the character,
01:05:03alright?
01:05:04Do it
01:05:04again.
01:05:06Okay.
01:05:25Hi.
01:05:26Hello.
01:05:27What's that?
01:05:28Raspberry
01:05:29latte?
01:05:30Yes it is.
01:05:31Hmm.
01:05:32Sweet drink
01:05:33for a sweet
01:05:34lady.
01:05:35Okay.
01:05:35You're not
01:05:36good at this.
01:05:37No, no, no, no,
01:05:37no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, let me
01:05:38do it again.
01:05:39Sweet drink for a sweet lady?
01:05:41That works on some girls.
01:05:42Doesn't work on this girl.
01:05:44Start over?
01:05:45Start over.
01:05:46But you're really not doing well.
01:05:47Oh.
01:05:48Everybody's a critic.
01:05:51Okay.
01:05:59Hmm.
01:06:08Hey.
01:06:09Hi.
01:06:12I see you're enjoying your drink and I don't want to take up too much of your time but
01:06:17I knew I'd kick myself later if I didn't come over and say something even if nothing comes
01:06:21of it.
01:06:22I'm Daryl.
01:06:24You don't have to tell me your name.
01:06:25I'll just
01:06:27I'll just call you beautiful.
01:06:30I've seen you in here every day this week coming in drinking your latte and I've always
01:06:36wanted to talk to you but I'm sure you've got guys kicking down your door all the time
01:06:40so the original plan was just to let you have this time to yourself but seven times?
01:06:49I've seen you here seven times.
01:06:52Usually I don't believe in signs but this can't be ignored.
01:06:56I had to come talk to you.
01:06:59Now
01:07:01I'm not asking for your number
01:07:03and I'm not asking you on a date.
01:07:05I just wanted to introduce myself.
01:07:08So I'm going to go over there and grab my double espresso and crumb cake
01:07:13then go sit over there and
01:07:16if you wanted to join me
01:07:20I would not mind that.
01:07:24Nice to meet you.
01:07:27Beautiful.
01:07:49Not too shabby Daryl.
01:07:51Not too shabby at all.
01:07:52I'm not a wizard but I got the magic.
01:07:57Saying shit like that is going to annul everything you just did so no more of that, okay?
01:08:02Do I get your stamp of approval though?
01:08:04I suppose.
01:08:06Then where's my reward?
01:08:07What do you want?
01:08:09Some heroin would be nice.
01:08:11Sure, let me just grab some from my purse.
01:08:14No, but there is something that I do want.
01:08:17And what would that be?
01:08:20Um
01:08:22Um
01:08:24I, uh
01:08:28Oh my god
01:08:38You're terrible at being yourself, you know that?
01:08:41You know I wanted to kiss you?
01:08:44Duh
01:08:44We've been leaning up to it for a while now.
01:08:46You should have kissed me when we were by the stairs.
01:08:48I know, I wanted to.
01:08:50That would have been a moment.
01:08:51I just
01:08:53I usually like to ask girls before I kiss them.
01:08:55Why?
01:08:57I don't want to throw myself on someone.
01:08:59That's weird.
01:09:00You wouldn't have been throwing yourself on me.
01:09:03I wanted it too.
01:09:04What if you didn't?
01:09:06That's what the mace is for.
01:09:09After you shave, do you slap on the aftershave or do you dab it on gently?
01:09:13Dab it on gently?
01:09:15Of course you do.
01:09:16Sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind.
01:09:19You talked about women's intuition, right?
01:09:21Guys have it too.
01:09:23You knew I wanted to kiss you.
01:09:25You felt exactly what I felt.
01:09:27Shoulda just went for it.
01:09:38Much better.
01:09:39But next time, do it without us having to talk about it.
01:09:43Next time.
01:09:44Next time.
01:09:46Yeah.
01:09:49Weren't we supposed to watch a movie tonight?
01:09:52I think we were.
01:09:53We still can.
01:09:55Young is the night.
01:09:56You want to pick?
01:09:57I shall pick the genre.
01:09:59Comedy all the way.
01:10:01If it's comedy you want, it's comedy you'll get.
01:10:04I know exactly what it is.
01:10:31This new edition of Big Bang creation up.
01:10:34E aí
01:11:04E aí
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