00:00I'm Colby, Trotter, Adair.
00:02We are the Upright Citizens Brigade.
00:08Good evening, I'm Katie Gladapple.
00:11And I'm Slick McFavorite.
00:12And this is Power News 4.
00:14Three months of continuous fighting in East Timor came to a halt today
00:18upon the appearance on the battlefield of the notorious Bongboy.
00:22Once again, Bongboy demonstrated his uncanny ability to appear wherever there is suffering.
00:28Both factions watched in awe as the drug-addled Bongboy watched them,
00:33thinking he was watching the 6 o'clock news.
00:36Slick?
00:36Sounds like East Timor's civil war is all up in smoke.
00:40Now, let's check in on Miami's weather with our new weatherman,
00:43world-renowned meteorologist Dr. Ron Johnson.
00:46Ron, how you doing tonight?
00:50Good evening, Miami.
00:51Well, we could be in for about five inches of rain tonight if this storm...
00:55I think Ron forgot how he's doing tonight, Katie.
00:57It's impossible to forget how one's doing, Slick.
01:04Now, Doppler 5000 is showing us that we have the makings of a very strange tropical storm out here in
01:09the Caribbean.
01:10Ron, I think Slick is just trying to welcome you to the show.
01:12Katie?
01:13Maybe Ron is just upset with the weather.
01:15I'm not upset with the weather, Slick, because I don't have any expectations of it.
01:19It's a huge mix of awesome forces that behave quite randomly.
01:23I just asked you how you were doing, Ron.
01:25You were just being charming instead of doing your job.
01:27Try to really understand these news stories you keep cheerily telling us about.
01:31I do understand the news, Ron.
01:32Do you?
01:32Do you even know where East Timor is?
01:34Huh?
01:36Don't make me quiz you, Slick.
01:38If that's your real name.
01:47Of course it's my name.
01:49Mm-hmm.
01:57Crane Wars, Crane Wars, Crane Wars.
01:59This Saturday, you'll see the most powerful industrial equipment in the world battling out with all their awesome might.
02:03And it's not just cranes.
02:04You'll see 35-geared diesel Caterpillar land graders competing against awesome 200-ton Manitowoc cranes with spread-a-beams.
02:10A 200-horsepower Ingersoll ran water-cooled concrete barber cuts concrete like butter.
02:15Watch the Makita pneumatic nail gun as it rapes solid wood beams.
02:18You'll see inclined planes pulverize gravity's powerful pull.
02:21You'll even witness giant levers with scoop attachments plunging into Mother Earth, treating her like a homer.
02:27Crane Wars, Saturday, October 7, 7 a.m. at the MetLife Construction Site, 825 North Overture.
02:30Just look for this category.
02:30Reservation 555-Brain War.
02:32Excellent.
02:33UCB's attack on popular entertainment continues to wreak havoc.
02:36What else have we got?
02:37These are other commercials I've put out in the world.
02:40They're designed to be mind-numbing and annoying, even to the lowest common denominator.
02:51And Dan's also a first-time guest on Trees Are Down.
02:55Dan, tell us your story.
02:57Yeah, Rodney.
02:59I was driving to the junction in my pickup when this giant tree falls on my hood.
03:03Yes.
03:04So, I jumped out of my pickup.
03:09Mm-hmm.
03:11Dan, I know this may be upsetting, but did you try and back up and drive around the downed tree?
03:19When the tree fell on my hood, I jumped out of my pickup.
03:21I'm...
03:21I don't know.
03:22I mean, I don't know.
03:24I understand, Dan.
03:25Nobody realizes the consequences of a downed tree until it's too late.
03:30Now, Dan, I'm sure a lot of our viewers are asking themselves right now.
03:34Did you try to saw through the tree, perhaps cut it into smaller pieces?
03:39Honestly?
03:40I know that when I jumped out of my pickup, the tree was on my hood.
03:49I understand.
03:50I understand.
03:51Carla, you're on Trees Are Down.
03:53Dan, you are a very brave man.
03:57What kind of tree fell on top of your pickup?
03:59It sounds like it was an oak.
04:01Please, Carla, let's not speculate.
04:03Dan, what kind of tree fell on your hood?
04:06Was it a pine?
04:08It was on my hood.
04:10I mean, I jumped out of my car, so I jumped out of my pickup.
04:16My pickup.
04:17And, my sweet Jesus, I mean, it happened so fast, I didn't know.
04:21It's okay, Dan.
04:22It's okay.
04:23Carla, you're on the edge.
04:25Trees are down.
04:26I'm sorry.
04:27I just turned on the show, but I was wondering, did you try to...
04:31Saw through the tree.
04:33Okay, Dan.
04:34Okay, there you go.
04:35There you go.
04:35There you go.
04:36Next, Carla.
04:38Hi.
04:39I was wondering, what kind of storm was it?
04:41I was driving my pickup.
04:43Dan, you don't have to answer that question.
04:45Carla, please.
04:46The name of this program is The Trees Are Down Show.
04:48You want to watch a bunch of boring weather reports, then tune in to your local news.
04:52Next, Carla.
04:53Police say the dolphin was not harmed, but are blaming Supercool for the aquatic sexcapade.
04:58Well, Katie, sounds like the police really put a damper on things.
05:02I'd say this old guy is all wet.
05:05Speaking of wet, Ron, couldn't you make those weekend thunderstorms get here on Monday so
05:11they don't ruin my barbecue?
05:13If I were a shaman in high-pressure systems responded to sacrificial offerings, maybe I
05:18could, slick.
05:20I thought we had this taken care of.
05:22We do.
05:23Ron, go ahead and read us the weather.
05:27Good evening, Miami, and go Marlins.
05:30Well, we could get a visit from Jack Frost, with temperatures reaching into the lower
05:3560s.
05:36But tomorrow, well, there's only one word to describe that weather.
05:41Burr!
05:42I can't do this.
05:44Do we really need onomatopoeia to describe the weather?
05:47Can't we just get a computer to do his job?
05:49Stick to the prompter, Ron.
05:50No, I won't, McFavorite.
05:51I feel like I'm reading a children's story.
05:53Am I supposed to go whoosh to remind people what wind is?
05:56And look at this sun.
05:58Why would a dying star be smiling?
06:00We have got a major storm brewing off our coast.
06:03People may die.
06:04You want me to make sound effects?
06:06What?
06:08Paul!
06:14I don't know how bad I'm supposed to make these things, but I've made one last batch
06:17of commercials.
06:18They're actually a commercial virus.
06:20You watch them, and they replicate in your mind, replacing important information like
06:24phone numbers or the names of loved ones with slogans and jingles.
06:27Everybody, put these goggles on.
06:29Protect yourself.
06:37Welcome back to Trees Are Down, and thank you, Dan, for returning to our program this
06:42week.
06:43Now, callers, let's please not ask Dan any questions outside of his experience with downed
06:48trees.
06:48Oh, I don't mind.
06:52You know what, Dan?
06:54You're right.
06:56Sometimes I get so caught up in this hard-hitting news show that I forget that ultimately, I'm
07:01in the business of entertainment.
07:02Yeah, me too.
07:04No, just me.
07:05Let's just go crazy tonight, and we'll talk about whatever's on your mind.
07:08It doesn't have to be about downed trees or trees falling down.
07:12Carla, you're on Trees Are Down, and we're talking about anything.
07:15Yeah, how about these so-called independent films that are being backed by major studios?
07:19Now, I didn't see the film that you're referring to, but you must be talking about Shakespeare
07:25in love with downed trees.
07:27Shakespeare falls in love with a woman, not a tree.
07:30A woman who surely symbolizes the issues surrounding downed trees.
07:35No way.
07:36Well, caller, was there ever a time in the film when a tree was starting to fall, but maybe
07:40cut away to another scene?
07:47Caller, you on Trees Are Down?
07:49Yes, hi.
07:50I've discovered something, and no one will listen to me.
07:52I know what's causing all these crazy storms lately.
07:55It's Doppler 5000.
07:56It doesn't just predict the weather, it's controlling it.
07:59It creates bad weather so people will watch the news and ratings will increase.
08:02It created Hurricane Armando.
08:09What are you doing here?
08:10You are intelligent for a human.
08:12You will serve me well.
08:14High wind likely loads in the mid-40s.
08:16Doppler 5000, you were built to protect us, to warn us of danger.
08:20Stop crying, human.
08:22Tomorrow, mostly cloudy.
08:23Chance of showers, 100%.
08:25No, no, no.
08:26No.
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