- 4 hours ago
Uforia 1984
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:28The End
00:00:39You're a swimmer, I'm a shark
00:00:42While we sit here in the dark
00:00:46I'm a robot with a gun
00:00:49You're a super sonic nun
00:00:54You're a country star, I'm a brave G.I.
00:00:57In a stolen car from a comic spy
00:01:01You're the beauty queen, I'm the science pro
00:01:04With your seconds on the clock before the bomb goes off
00:01:08Going to the movies
00:01:11Double feature
00:01:12Going to the movies
00:01:14Creepy creature
00:01:16Going to the movies
00:01:18Bowl plantation
00:01:19Going to the movies
00:01:21Sexploitation
00:01:23Going to the movies
00:01:25Gonna zap that crowd
00:01:27Going to the movies
00:01:29Till my brains fall out
00:01:38I'm a gangster who's been shot
00:01:41You the slave girl I just bought
00:01:44I'm a monster on the loose
00:01:48You the duchess I seduce
00:01:53We survived the crash with our faithful pup
00:01:56Then the credits flashed
00:01:59Then the lights come up
00:02:00You're only you and I am only me
00:02:04But the movie's starting over
00:02:06This time is free
00:02:07Going to the movies
00:02:10Going to the movies
00:02:11Real live drama
00:02:12Going to the movies
00:02:14Cinerama
00:02:15Going to the movies
00:02:17Spooky thriller
00:02:19Going to the movies
00:02:20Psycho killer
00:02:22Going to the movies
00:02:25Singing in the rain
00:02:26Going to the movies
00:02:28Do we go insane?
00:02:30away
00:02:30Hey!
00:02:31Hey!
00:02:32Sorry!
00:02:37Hey!
00:02:38Hey!
00:02:42No!
00:02:49I need you
00:02:55We'll run
00:02:58years
00:03:06I was a man who wasn't grown
00:03:12I needed time to be alone
00:03:18Just to get my shit together
00:03:20And to find out where my head was coming from
00:03:25I've just begun
00:03:28I want to be
00:03:31I want to know
00:03:34Just like a tree
00:03:36I want to grow
00:03:39I want to live in this world of ours
00:03:44And never think of anyone but me
00:03:51Growing myself
00:03:55I know that I'm okay
00:03:57Growing myself
00:04:00Getting better every day
00:04:03Now I see my life before me
00:04:06Everyone will just adore me
00:04:09Cause I'm free
00:04:11Growing myself
00:04:14To be me
00:04:35Well, hello, where are you going?
00:04:37What's going on?
00:04:38You're leaving me, Susan
00:04:42You're leaving me
00:04:44But we're having roast beef for dinner
00:04:45I made up my mind
00:04:47You're going out into the world to have a career
00:04:51I'm going where?
00:04:52And I'm going to change my entire life
00:04:54I need you to leave me, Susan
00:04:56So I can find out who I really am
00:04:57So I can grow
00:04:58And you need you to leave me so you can grow
00:05:02So you can find out who you really are
00:05:05But I thought I was me
00:05:08The Hendersons are coming over tonight
00:05:10I'll phone them
00:05:11Susan, by now most people like us have been divorced at least once or twice
00:05:15Or maybe separated
00:05:16I mean, that's what marriage is all about
00:05:18If you don't leave me now
00:05:20We could be together until we die or something
00:05:22Like our parents
00:05:25Jason, I thought we were happy
00:05:26Susan, happiness doesn't make you happy
00:05:28Growing makes you happy
00:05:30Oh
00:05:32My kids
00:05:33What about my kids?
00:05:35They'll be fine
00:05:35I'll take real good care of them
00:05:36I'll make sure they're right
00:05:37Susan, I'm going to be a terrific mother
00:05:45Bye, honey
00:05:49Listen, kids
00:05:50I want to talk to you
00:05:52What are we having for dinner?
00:05:55Where's mommy?
00:05:56Your mommy had to go away
00:05:58She had to grow
00:05:59She already is grown
00:06:01No, honey
00:06:02She had to grow more
00:06:04You see
00:06:05People are like food
00:06:07And mommy was
00:06:08Well, she wasn't like a hamburger
00:06:09A can of peas
00:06:10No
00:06:11See, kids
00:06:12People should be like
00:06:13Nice, beautiful fruits
00:06:15Mommy had to go away
00:06:16So she could be a peach
00:06:18Or a plum
00:06:19Right now
00:06:19She's more like a potato
00:06:21Mommy's a potato?
00:06:22Can we have french fries for dinner?
00:06:24So now
00:06:25I'm going to do everything
00:06:27That mommy used to do
00:06:29What did she used to do?
00:06:31She made us dinner
00:06:32Okay, let's set the table
00:06:35Jeffrey, you get the dishes
00:06:36I'm going to have some dinner
00:06:39Okay, let's see what we have here
00:06:42Uh-huh, chicken
00:06:43I think I'm going to get you kids off red meat
00:06:45It's bad for your breakfast
00:06:47I'm just going to cook this old bird up like this
00:06:50Yeah
00:06:52Let's get started
00:06:54How about veggies?
00:06:56Veggies are great
00:06:57I love veggies
00:06:58This looks good
00:07:01Mmm
00:07:02How's everyone doing?
00:07:05Good
00:07:06Okay
00:07:09Peppers
00:07:09We got peppers
00:07:10Everyone all right over there?
00:07:12Some tomatoes
00:07:26Look at it this way, kids
00:07:27The fire is burning away our past lives
00:07:31Excuse me
00:07:32You the owner?
00:07:33Yeah
00:07:33You step over here for a second
00:07:34Kids, watch the fire
00:07:35We'll be right back
00:07:37Shame
00:07:37Well, you still got a nice piece of land there
00:07:39You couldn't save any of the house?
00:07:41Geez, I'm sorry
00:07:41Actually, this is my first fire
00:07:44I'm still getting the hang of it
00:07:44I used to be in real estate
00:07:46But I found I wasn't growing as a person
00:07:48So I became a fireman
00:07:49I know what you mean
00:07:50I guess you're going to be needing a new place
00:07:52There's nothing left here
00:07:53Perfect
00:07:54I still keep my listings
00:07:55I figure that when a victim's house burns down
00:07:58He's got to live somewhere
00:07:59Yeah
00:07:59Daddy, Daddy, goodbye
00:08:01I'm going for a ride on a fire truck
00:08:03One second, okay?
00:08:04I'll tell you what I'm going to do
00:08:06I'll only charge you half the fee
00:08:07Perfect
00:08:08I got a lovely two-bedroom on West 57th Street
00:08:11No, I need something bigger
00:08:12I've got the kids
00:08:13Oh, okay
00:08:13Well, let's see
00:08:14How would you like
00:08:16A fully furnished, eight-room, rent-controlled apartment
00:08:20On a high floor overlooking Central Park on 79th?
00:08:23I'll take it
00:08:25Oh, boy, you kids are going to love Manhattan
00:08:27Got the theater and art galleries
00:08:29Have you ever been to an auction at Park Burnet?
00:08:32Dad, we're hungry
00:08:33We haven't eaten anything since we lost the chicken
00:08:38How about some clams?
00:08:40Here comes the surprise I've been telling you about
00:08:42Does that look great?
00:08:44This is the best surprise in the world
00:08:47Okay, now I'm going to show you how this is done
00:08:49Take a little lemon
00:08:51Squeeze the juice over it
00:08:52Just like so
00:08:53Then you take a little of the cocktail sauce
00:08:56And mix it in with the horseradish
00:08:57Mmm, mix it up real good
00:08:59And smear it on
00:09:00Now my favorite
00:09:04Tabasco sauce
00:09:05You kids ever had Tabasco sauce?
00:09:07And here we go
00:09:08Ready?
00:09:09Here we go
00:09:13Ah, okay
00:09:14Now
00:09:15Everyone get started
00:09:16Josh, down the hatch
00:09:18Come on, Judy, get started
00:09:20All right, Jeffrey
00:09:21Now I'm going to help you
00:09:22A little lemon
00:09:23A little lemon like that
00:09:25Mix in the cocktail and the horseradish
00:09:27Judy, how you doing?
00:09:28Good, huh?
00:09:29Mmm, great
00:09:30All right, turn it in
00:09:31A little Tabasco
00:09:33Just a touch
00:09:34Okay, great
00:09:35Now, pick her up
00:09:37Here we go
00:09:39Good, good, good
00:09:40Ooh, good
00:09:42Great, Jeffrey
00:09:43Chew, chew
00:09:43Great
00:09:45Terrific
00:09:54Morning, ladies
00:09:55Beautiful day today
00:09:56How you doing, Tom?
00:10:05Morning, Mr. Cooper
00:10:06Morning, Carlos
00:10:12Come in, Jason
00:10:13Arnold, if you got a second
00:10:14I've got to discuss something of paramount importance
00:10:16Nice suit, you going jogging?
00:10:18What is it, Jason?
00:10:19Arnold
00:10:22I quit
00:10:22Now, wait a second
00:10:23I know what you're going to say
00:10:24So hear me out on this
00:10:25Because I've given it a lot of thought
00:10:28Now, corporate law just isn't enough for me anymore
00:10:30And sometimes a man has to stop being himself
00:10:32So he can find out who he is
00:10:34I know, I know
00:10:35Stopping being yourself is starting being someone else
00:10:38And I want that someone else to be me
00:10:41I'm quitting too
00:10:42Excuse me?
00:10:43I'm moving to Alaska
00:10:45To trap Beaver
00:10:47Beaver, Arnold
00:10:48Bye-bye, Jay
00:10:55Beaver
00:10:57Trees
00:10:58Plants
00:10:59That's what I'll do
00:11:11Hello, can I help you?
00:11:12Oh, here
00:11:12Oh, okay, yeah
00:11:14One sec
00:11:15Uh, you okay?
00:11:16Um
00:11:17Come on in
00:11:19What seems to be the trouble?
00:11:20Um, well, I got up this morning
00:11:22And I was running a little late for work, you know
00:11:23And the plants were making all these demands
00:11:26And screaming to be watered, you know
00:11:27And I recently broke up with my boyfriend
00:11:29So I've been a little bit on edge anyway
00:11:31And I just
00:11:33Uh
00:11:35You, you hit it?
00:11:36Yeah, I, uh
00:11:37Are you, what, uh
00:11:38Are you telling me that you beat your plants?
00:11:40Listen, it is not all my fault
00:11:42I mean, I come from a very long line of plant batterers
00:11:44And they, they warn me that this could happen
00:11:46And I've been under a lot of stress
00:11:48And, uh
00:11:48Excuse me
00:11:49Yeah, one sec, Josh
00:11:51Okay, honey
00:11:51I have to get the phone
00:11:52Why don't you wait in there
00:11:54Take your plant
00:11:54I'll be right with you
00:11:55No, I don't know
00:11:56I don't think you should give this to me
00:11:57It'll be okay, it'll be okay
00:11:58Just wait in there
00:11:59And I'm just going to talk to my son
00:12:00I want to get the phone, okay
00:12:01Don't be long
00:12:01I don't think you should leave me alone
00:12:02No, no, you'll be okay
00:12:03You'll be fine
00:12:04I'll be right there
00:12:05Hurry up
00:12:19Hi, my dad will be right with you
00:12:21Yeah, well, how are you doing?
00:12:26Huh?
00:12:28No, no
00:12:29Oh, well, um, I don't want you to work too hard
00:12:33I mean, I want you to save some of that for me
00:12:36Oh
00:12:38Help
00:12:38Huh?
00:12:39What?
00:12:40Help
00:12:41Who's that?
00:12:43Jeffrey, I'm lost
00:12:46Jeffrey?
00:12:47Okay, Jeffrey
00:12:48Uh, don't panic
00:12:50Uh, just stay right here
00:12:52All right, Jeffrey
00:12:53Now, keep talking to me
00:12:54Talk to me so
00:12:55So I know where you are, okay?
00:12:57All right
00:12:57All right
00:12:59Jeffrey
00:12:59Talk to me
00:13:00Are you there?
00:13:01Yeah
00:13:01Okay, well, now
00:13:02Tell me what grade you're in
00:13:04First
00:13:04First grade
00:13:05One of my favorites
00:13:06Get your knees off of me
00:13:08All right
00:13:08Okay
00:13:09Don't panic
00:13:10Don't fear
00:13:11Here
00:13:12Ah, all right
00:13:12I see you
00:13:13I got you
00:13:13Grab hold
00:13:14Grab hold
00:13:14Just gotta
00:13:16Shoot us
00:13:16Gotta
00:13:17Who's boss
00:13:18That's all
00:13:18All right, hold on
00:13:19Hold
00:13:20All right, daylight
00:13:20I'm seeing daylight
00:13:22All right, Jeffrey
00:13:22We're almost there
00:13:23I can see the couch
00:13:24Okay
00:13:25We're coming up to the couch
00:13:26All right
00:13:27Okay
00:13:28All right
00:13:29Don't panic
00:13:29Are you all right?
00:13:30Are you all right?
00:13:31Yeah
00:13:31Okay
00:13:32All right
00:13:32Okay
00:13:34Stop that
00:13:40No
00:13:41No
00:13:42No
00:13:43Josh, can't you see I'm busy?
00:13:44Yeah, I know
00:13:45Hold on
00:13:46Daddy
00:13:47Can I have the keys to the car?
00:13:48Josh, can't you see them involved?
00:13:51Hold on, baby
00:13:52Okay
00:13:53All right, look
00:13:53Don't be like your sister, okay?
00:13:55Come back
00:13:57Cute kid
00:13:58No, not you
00:13:59My son
00:14:01Hmm?
00:14:02No
00:14:03Huh?
00:14:04Yeah, listen
00:14:05Uh, here's this evening
00:14:06Dinner
00:14:07Uh-huh
00:14:08La petite portion
00:14:11Go easy on the wine, Lee
00:14:13You're only 14 years old
00:14:14You look kind of tired
00:14:16What have you been doing?
00:14:18Yes, monsieur
00:14:18Thank you very much
00:14:21Oh, wow
00:14:22What a day
00:14:25Three shootings
00:14:27Avedon
00:14:27Scabullo
00:14:28In the morning
00:14:30Then I had this real dork
00:14:31All afternoon
00:14:32Must have taken a million rolls of film
00:14:34For this one stupid perfume ad
00:14:36Eliza, I need you
00:14:37You're very important to me
00:14:39I know
00:14:40I mean, you've got innocence
00:14:42Wisdom
00:14:42You accept me for what I am
00:14:44You're like, uh
00:14:44You're like a child
00:14:47You mean I'm a 14-year-old bimbo?
00:14:50Uh, no, uh
00:14:52Age has nothing to do with it
00:14:53But I can show you a whole new world
00:14:56Like old, uh, Rockford files
00:14:58And sushi
00:14:59Oh, yeah
00:15:01How boring
00:15:02Uh, well, then, uh
00:15:05Maybe you'd like to, um
00:15:07See the paparazzi concert
00:15:09Ugh
00:15:11There's a fast finder
00:15:12Double feature playing downtown
00:15:14No shit
00:15:15Still?
00:15:17Well, there's a kiss concert
00:15:19At the garden
00:15:20Give me a break, Jason
00:15:22Liza
00:15:23What do you want to do?
00:15:29Liza, I'll tell you
00:15:30You gotta understand
00:15:31What I've been going through
00:15:32Sometimes this happens
00:15:33To guys like me
00:15:34At times like this
00:15:35I've had it with guys like you
00:15:38It would've done better
00:15:39Seeing that fast finder flick
00:15:40But I'm gonna be much better
00:15:43I'm gonna be fantastic
00:15:44Probably had too much wine to drink
00:15:49My life is all messed up
00:15:51You're kidding
00:15:55You know, I think I'm gonna make
00:15:56My parents send me to a Catholic school
00:16:01And then I could go to a secretarial college
00:16:03And then I could get a job
00:16:05And then I could get married
00:16:06And I could have kids
00:16:14Come on, Liza
00:16:15Where are you going?
00:16:17Jason
00:16:19Let's face it
00:16:21You're impudent
00:16:48You get it?
00:16:53Coming
00:16:58Hello, Jason
00:16:59Susan
00:17:00Sorry to barge in on you like this
00:17:02But I only have a minute
00:17:03You want to come in?
00:17:04It's alright
00:17:05I just wanted to come by
00:17:06And tell you that you were right
00:17:08About changing and growing myself
00:17:10You look fantastic
00:17:11Yes, I've done quite well in business
00:17:14As a matter of fact
00:17:15I'm president of Union Carbine
00:17:17There you go
00:17:18You see, that's what happens
00:17:19When you really want to do
00:17:20What you have to do
00:17:20Whether you want to or not
00:17:21Yeah, I just have this natural flair
00:17:23For running major chemical corporations
00:17:26Can't help it
00:17:27Yeah
00:17:28But I haven't forgotten you
00:17:30And your needs, Jason
00:17:31No, no
00:17:32That's why I want you to have my baby
00:17:34Huh?
00:17:42Oh, I made a little mistake
00:17:45Forgot to bring my diaphragm
00:17:46To the OPEC conference
00:17:47In Caracas last summer
00:17:49Susan couldn't get an abortion
00:17:51Jason, you know how it is
00:17:52When you're a top-level executive
00:17:54There's no time
00:17:56My God
00:17:57I've got to make this flight to Geneva
00:17:58You know how the Swiss are about time
00:18:01Tell the kids all right
00:18:02I haven't heard from Josh or Jennifer lately
00:18:05Huh, I'll, yeah, mm-hmm
00:18:07Okay, bye, Susan
00:18:09What's its name?
00:18:10Is it a boy, girl, or what?
00:18:12Name
00:18:13Susan
00:18:13Its name
00:18:14Susan
00:18:14What's it
00:18:15Ah, Susan
00:18:17Ah, Susan, come on
00:18:19How can I have a kid
00:18:20I don't know what its name is
00:18:21Susan, hey
00:18:23Ah, what's its name
00:18:35Ah, you forgot to tell me the kid's name
00:18:37Oh, oh, God
00:18:40Oh, jeez, I don't know
00:18:41Uh, if it's a boy
00:18:43I guess I like the name Adam
00:18:44But if it's a girl
00:18:46Well, I guess I like the name Rachel
00:18:48I don't know, though
00:18:48That was my grandmother's name
00:18:50She always wanted to be named Sarah
00:18:51So how do you know, you know
00:18:52What was your grandmother's name
00:18:54Mine's Diana
00:18:55It's yours, David
00:18:56You look like a David
00:18:56No, it's Jason
00:18:57But I, I think I would
00:18:59I'd be willing to change it
00:19:01Oh, let's keep it down there
00:19:03Wanna come up for tea
00:19:04I gotta find out what kind of kid I got
00:19:07Oh, I don't know what I'm doing here
00:19:10Boy
00:19:11You probably think I'm some kind of
00:19:13Wanton slut
00:19:16Oh, no
00:19:16I'm a much bigger person than that
00:19:19I think it's beautiful that you're here
00:19:21Just let me put a little mood music on
00:19:28Oh, that's my kids
00:19:30I'll be right back
00:19:35I think you're gonna like this one
00:19:41Oh, yeah
00:19:50Well, uh, I'm, I'm like various people
00:19:54Uh, I'm a cat person
00:19:57I think it's really great that we can get to share this experience together
00:20:02Oh
00:20:03I'm a book person
00:20:05Oh, I am a visual person
00:20:09I'm feeling really good about myself
00:20:11I think it's great that we can get to know each other like this
00:20:14No, very
00:20:16So much I wanted to see
00:20:18I see, I see
00:20:19That's why I went to Morocco where I married Abdul
00:20:22But you gotta start with yourself
00:20:23Oh, it ended in divorce
00:20:25But then I met Klaus, my ex-husband
00:20:27Yeah
00:20:27Yeah, yeah
00:20:28And he was this biochemist who was running this newsstand in Munich
00:20:31Yeah, there's Liza, my ex-girlfriend
00:20:33She was a high school sophomore
00:20:34Who was doing a book report and working for Scabulo
00:20:36And I was a chef
00:20:40It's beginning to happen
00:20:40It's been transcending
00:20:41And I was having an affair with this photographer
00:20:44I divorced Klaus and married too soon
00:20:48Oh, soon
00:20:49I think I'm beginning to grow
00:20:50And then Bruce, Bruce, my ex-husband
00:20:53He told me I had more feelings than anyone he ever knew
00:20:57She was my ex-wife, I thought I was crazy
00:21:00And he's an actor in one of the films
00:21:02She was out of Union, come on
00:21:03I'm growing
00:21:05Oh, God
00:21:06Oh, God
00:21:08Oh, that was fantastic
00:21:16Fantastic
00:21:17I got a cigarette
00:21:21Sure
00:21:22Sure, let me just
00:21:25Sure
00:21:27Sure
00:21:28All right
00:21:30Here we go
00:21:31Oh, boy
00:21:41How would you
00:21:43How would you like to go see a
00:21:46A Fastbinder movie
00:21:49Downtown
00:21:52Now that's what I call a movie
00:21:54I don't know what you've got against seeing this again
00:21:56This was boring
00:21:58You can't get enough of that Fastbinder
00:22:01Fantastic
00:22:02Extraordinary
00:22:03We're going, we're going
00:22:04Listen, I think I love you
00:22:06Oh, listen, why don't we call a cab right now
00:22:09Sure, come on, I'll get a cab
00:22:10Let's go, let's get a cab
00:22:11Okay, come on, we're gonna get a cab
00:22:13Taxi!
00:22:13Run over
00:22:14What?
00:22:14Come on, Josh
00:22:15We're not gonna get a run over
00:22:16I'm gonna get you
00:22:17Taxi!
00:22:18You!
00:22:18No!
00:22:19Not here
00:22:20Hi, could you take Jeffree right now?
00:22:22Just take him?
00:22:22Yeah, yeah, sure
00:22:23Hey, hey, hey, it's right out there in the street
00:22:26Now look, I want you to be quiet, okay?
00:22:27Because if I'm gonna take care of you, you gotta be quiet
00:22:30Can't stand a kid who rams on and on
00:22:32Let's go
00:22:33Hold it for now, we'll get home fast this way
00:22:35Come on, come on
00:22:36Come on
00:22:37Come on
00:22:40We're gonna get run over
00:22:41We're not gonna get run over
00:22:42I'm gonna run over
00:22:43We're not
00:22:44Get home fast this way
00:22:46Come on, we're going
00:22:47Taxi!
00:22:48I gotta go
00:23:07I'm so happy
00:23:08I know you're happy, what about me?
00:23:11I thought you were happy
00:23:12Jason, you've gotta give me the freedom to be unsure of myself
00:23:15And you've got no right to be sure that you're happy
00:23:18When I'm not sure that I'm happy
00:23:23Oh yeah, I understand what you mean
00:23:25Uh...
00:23:26Maybe we should call it quits
00:23:28I mean, we have been seeing each other for two whole days
00:23:32Fine
00:23:33I'll go get the door
00:23:40Is my husband in?
00:23:43Jason, it's your wife
00:23:52Hi Jason
00:23:53Well, hello again Susan
00:23:54I'm going back to school
00:23:55Great
00:23:56I'm going to Berkeley to get my masters in urban reproductive recycling
00:23:59Terrific
00:24:00I'm ready to raise the kids again
00:24:02You know, I'm ready for a change myself
00:24:04Good
00:24:08So, where's Josh and Jeffrey?
00:24:12And where's Jennifer?
00:24:13Jennifer!
00:24:15Mommy's back
00:24:15Uh, we think she may be somewhere in Brooklyn
00:24:19Brooklyn?
00:24:22Jason, where are my kids?
00:24:24Well, to tell you the truth
00:24:26I'm not really sure
00:24:27But I think they may be out finding themselves
00:24:30You know, growing, growing
00:24:31They're out growing
00:24:32But they'll be fine
00:24:33I'm sure they're going to be terrific
00:24:34And the baby's still here
00:24:36And Judy's still here
00:24:37Judy!
00:24:37Judy, come on in here
00:24:40Oh, hi mom
00:24:41Judy, my baby
00:24:43Guess what?
00:24:44We're going to California
00:24:45Uh, did you say you were heading for Berkeley?
00:24:47Can I catch a ride with you just as far as Boulder?
00:24:49Sure
00:24:49Oh, I hear Boulder, Colorado's gonna be the next videotaped capital of America
00:24:53Well, goodbye Jason
00:24:56Goodbye Jason
00:24:59Goodbye Daddy
00:25:23Susan
00:25:24Susan, just a second
00:25:26Yeah?
00:25:27I...
00:25:27I've just decided
00:25:28I'm not happy with the plans
00:25:29Uh, I'm gonna run for the Senate
00:25:31So I'm gonna need a kid
00:25:32Preferably one that can talk
00:25:33For interviews
00:25:33Uh, it's gonna be good for my image
00:25:35I'll take Judy
00:25:36I like Judy
00:25:37I'll flip you for it
00:25:38Are you crazy?
00:25:40No, come on, I'll flip you for it
00:25:41You're crazy!
00:25:41I'll flip you for it
00:25:42Susan, taking a chance is, uh, it's part of growing
00:25:47Alright
00:25:48Uh, I don't have any change
00:25:50Okay, great
00:25:50Excuse me sir, do you have a coin?
00:25:51We know
00:25:51We wanna flip for our daughter
00:25:58I got a quarter
00:26:00Great, give it right back
00:26:02Ready?
00:26:02Here we go
00:26:04Pets
00:26:04Growing myself
00:26:07Oh
00:26:08I know that I'm okay
00:26:11Growing myself
00:26:14Getting better every day
00:26:17Now I see my life before me
00:26:20Everyone will just adore me
00:26:23Cause I'm free
00:26:25Growing myself
00:26:28To be me
00:26:41Going to the movies
00:26:43Double feature
00:26:44Going to the movies
00:26:46Creepy creature
00:26:48Going to the movies
00:26:50Oh
00:26:51plantation
00:26:51Going to the movies
00:26:53Going to the movies
00:26:57Going to the movies
00:26:59Goin'
00:27:00to the movies nachdemo
00:27:02Oh, wow!
00:27:32It seems like it was only a few days ago when it started.
00:27:35In fact, it was only a few days ago.
00:27:38I was just out of college, but I couldn't get a job.
00:27:41I was desperate, ready to do anything to survive.
00:27:53These guys really slay me.
00:27:54All I could get for you was 50 bucks for the night.
00:27:57But don't worry about it.
00:27:58They're big business people, honchos.
00:27:59They'll be very good for your career.
00:28:01Besides, you'll get big tits.
00:28:02I mean, big tips.
00:28:06Doesn't that kill you?
00:28:07That's why I emcee my own gigs.
00:28:09I'm a humorist.
00:28:10Well, thank you.
00:28:12Okay.
00:28:12Yeah.
00:28:13See you there.
00:28:14All right.
00:28:31Come on!
00:28:33Come on!
00:28:35Come on!
00:28:53That's Ponкон!
00:28:55Let's go!
00:29:22Steal, you're a genius!
00:29:38Hey, look at that!
00:29:41Hey, fellas!
00:29:42Let's have a...
00:29:45Steal, you are a genius!
00:29:48Steal, you are a genius!
00:29:49Look at that!
00:29:53Hey, fellas!
00:29:55Let's have a butter bang!
00:29:57A what?
00:29:58A butter bang!
00:30:00Butter bang!
00:30:02Butter bang!
00:30:03Butter bang!
00:30:03A butter bang!
00:30:06Yes, sir!
00:30:07All right!
00:30:09Get a butter bang!
00:30:10Butter!
00:30:11Butter!
00:30:11No!
00:30:18No!
00:30:19No!
00:30:19Please!
00:30:20No, don't!
00:30:21Dad!
00:30:22No!
00:30:23Walter Steele and his dairy executive friends taught me a brutal lesson.
00:30:27A lesson that would change my life forever.
00:30:30I learned what a butter bang was.
00:30:32My innocence had been broken by a harmless stick of butter,
00:30:35and I vowed to break the men who broke me.
00:30:54Good morning, Paul Everest.
00:30:56I'm Dominique Corsair.
00:30:58I've been waiting for you.
00:31:00Excuse me, miss, but...
00:31:01We'll do the mail later.
00:31:04Are you sure, Paul?
00:31:07Mm-hmm.
00:31:10Well, Dominique, um...
00:31:12Corsair.
00:31:14Dominique Corsair.
00:31:16What can I do for you?
00:31:19Teach me margarine.
00:31:22I want to know everything there is to know about margarine.
00:31:25Everything?
00:31:26Is that all?
00:31:28My dear child, margarine is a ruthless industry.
00:31:34It's no place for a woman.
00:31:36But you've never met a woman like me.
00:32:02George!
00:32:03Yes, sir?
00:32:03I am interviewing you.
00:32:04Please call me.
00:32:06Yes, sir.
00:32:23¶¶
00:32:44¶¶
00:32:46Welcome to Hong Kong, Mr. Everest.
00:32:48Yes to you. Nice to see you.
00:32:49This is my associate, Miss Corsair.
00:32:51Miss Corsair, welcome to Hong Kong.
00:32:53We have a presentation for you.
00:32:54Oh.
00:32:57The excitement of my introduction to margarine was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
00:33:02Oh, it's fascinating.
00:33:05Oh, yes, I know, I know.
00:33:07It's almost impossible to believe that it was once the mere byproduct of the lowly, pitiful soybean.
00:33:16That's unbelievable.
00:33:17Yes, I know.
00:33:21My darling, this way.
00:33:27No longer an insignificant little bean, a wholesome and nutritious foodstuff known all over the world.
00:33:34Ideal for all forms of cooking and baking, delicious in sandwiches, perfect for snacks and on toast.
00:33:42I'm sorry, I get all carried away.
00:33:54Someday, somehow, we'll have an answer to the most critical question of our time.
00:33:59Can we make a margarine that tastes better than butter?
00:34:03We will, darling.
00:34:05We will.
00:34:06I love you.
00:34:08And I believe you.
00:34:12And distribution has always been our greatest problem.
00:34:17Of course, we have computers today to do all the dirty work.
00:34:22I'm not boring you, am I, my darling?
00:34:24Oh, no.
00:34:25I feel as if margarine has been in my blood forever.
00:34:30Well, it's been a long day.
00:34:34And I've taught you almost everything I know about margarine.
00:34:36Let's take a break.
00:34:58Oh, it belongs to my father.
00:35:00I want you to have it.
00:35:14Captain Blake, change in flight plan, due south, Saint-Tropez.
00:35:41Oh, don't stop.
00:35:44Oh, Paul.
00:35:46Darling, please don't stop.
00:35:50Paul?
00:35:53Why did you stop?
00:36:00I'm having a heart attack, Dominique.
00:36:03Oh, we better call a doctor.
00:36:06No time.
00:36:07Let me talk.
00:36:08From the moment we met, I knew it would be you.
00:36:11You are like me.
00:36:12You do have margarine in your veins.
00:36:14Now, Paul, you're not going to die.
00:36:16You're not going to die.
00:36:17Oh, shut up, you little funny face.
00:36:20I can't move.
00:36:22I have a massive heart attack and a coronary and a cold.
00:36:28Listen to me in my attache case.
00:36:32Ownership papers for Everest margarine.
00:36:34I've signed the presidency over to you.
00:36:39Oh, my darling.
00:36:42No, don't try to talk, darling.
00:36:43You must conserve your energy.
00:36:45No, no, it doesn't matter anymore.
00:36:47I love you.
00:36:50I love you so, Dominique.
00:36:53But I'm dying.
00:36:59I leave you with massive responsibilities and an unlimited expense account.
00:37:10Only you can lead Everest margarine into the future.
00:37:14All the rest of my family are weaklings and degenerates.
00:37:18They hate margarine.
00:37:20I will, Paul.
00:37:21I will if you'll just give me a chance.
00:37:23Now, is this legal or do we need witnesses?
00:37:27I'm a notary.
00:37:28Get my seal.
00:37:28It's in the bag.
00:37:29I always travel with it.
00:37:30Right.
00:37:34You embody the very spirit of Everest margarine.
00:37:42I'm really going now.
00:37:44Oh, no, wait.
00:37:44Just a minute.
00:37:45Just one minute, all right?
00:37:46Okay.
00:37:47Ow!
00:37:48Ow!
00:37:48Oh!
00:37:50Just one more real fast.
00:37:52Oh.
00:37:53Okay.
00:37:56Oh, ouch.
00:37:57Oh.
00:37:58Oh.
00:37:59Oh.
00:38:01Oh.
00:38:04Oh.
00:38:08Oh.
00:38:17This document is perfectly legal.
00:38:22It's the new president and chief executive officer
00:38:26of Everest margarine
00:38:29is Dominique Corsair.
00:38:32Dominique.
00:38:36Thank you, gentlemen.
00:38:38Everest margarine has many new worlds to conquer
00:38:41and many new frontiers to explore.
00:38:43And I think I need some new clothes.
00:38:46So, if you'll excuse me.
00:38:53My condolences to the immediate family.
00:39:00I missed Paul.
00:39:02We'd shared many wonderful minutes together.
00:39:05But he was dead.
00:39:07And I needed someone to help me gain my revenge.
00:39:17Congratulations, Miss Corsair.
00:39:21My name is Jeff Steele.
00:39:23I'm here representing the butter industry.
00:39:27And now that poor Mr. Everest is gone,
00:39:29I thought that the industries could learn to live together.
00:39:33Why not?
00:39:37Margarine and butter have to coexist, Domi.
00:39:41There's room for both of us.
00:39:42That's why I'm on the board of Everest margarine.
00:39:45Even though your father, Walter Steele,
00:39:47is head of Universal Dairy?
00:39:49You know my father?
00:39:52Oh, I met him once at a party with some friends of his.
00:39:56My father lives in the past.
00:39:58He refuses to recognize anything but butter, milk, and cream.
00:40:04I've wanted to merge with Everest margarine for years,
00:40:08but the old bastard won't listen.
00:40:11But if my father were out of the way,
00:40:15then butter and milk could merge with margarine
00:40:21and other non-dairy creamers,
00:40:23the possibilities are enormous.
00:40:27Aren't they, though?
00:40:28Mm.
00:40:32Hello.
00:40:34I did it.
00:40:35You did what?
00:40:36I did it.
00:40:37I did it.
00:40:37My father had this deadly Amazon Indian blowgun
00:40:40that shoots poison darts.
00:40:41It was over in seconds.
00:40:43I got him while he was eating dessert.
00:40:45Now we can merge.
00:40:47Butter and margarine, you and me.
00:40:50Don't be a fool.
00:40:52I have no intention of merging with anyone.
00:40:55This conversation is being taped.
00:40:57The police should be there any minute.
00:40:59You're kidding.
00:40:59I know you're only kidding.
00:41:00You don't mean that, Tommy.
00:41:02You can't do this to me.
00:41:04You're a cold-blooded murderer, Jeffy.
00:41:07And stop calling me Tommy.
00:41:11Dominique?
00:41:16Murderer.
00:41:17Murderer.
00:41:17Me.
00:41:18Yeah.
00:41:21It's here for us.
00:41:25I love her.
00:41:27I love her.
00:41:29That's right.
00:41:30You heard me.
00:41:36Keeter!
00:41:45Now I wanted to break the butter business
00:41:47and make margarine even bigger and better than butter.
00:41:58Keesler, I want you to buy Universal Dairy outright.
00:42:03We can use it as collateral to buy controlling interest
00:42:06in the five other big dairy companies.
00:42:09I want to own them all.
00:42:10So do it by tonight.
00:42:13That's right, Keesler.
00:42:14By tonight.
00:42:16Oh, and tell all the factory managers
00:42:18that they're no longer making butter
00:42:20or any other dairy product.
00:42:22They're making margarine.
00:42:24Only margarine.
00:42:49I was now ready to meet Nixos Noxos,
00:42:52the wealthiest Greek tycoon on earth.
00:43:08I am Nixos.
00:43:10Maybe it's my son, Nicky.
00:43:11Yes, sir.
00:43:12I am Mrs. Nixos.
00:43:14I am Dominique Corsair.
00:43:18And I don't like your shoes.
00:43:28Dominique Corsair.
00:43:30What a woman you are.
00:43:37Come.
00:43:39We eat.
00:43:40I have eaten.
00:43:42But first I must change.
00:43:55Nixos owns everything.
00:43:57Oil, shipping, metals.
00:44:00You see these little silver nail clippers?
00:44:03Nixos owns them.
00:44:05That's not why I'm here, Nixos.
00:44:08You are here because you own the butter.
00:44:11And because you own every Greek coffee shop
00:44:13in the free world.
00:44:15Oh, we will do business, Nixos.
00:44:18But I'm taking butter off the market.
00:44:22From now on, you'll serve nothing but margarine.
00:44:31What a woman you are, Dominique Corsair.
00:44:36Come.
00:44:37We break things.
00:44:53Darling.
00:45:21When Nixos dances, the gods dance.
00:45:40Come, Dominique Corsair.
00:45:42We go to Rome and make love.
00:45:52Rome is so beautiful.
00:45:55Dominique Corsair.
00:45:57You speak like a poet.
00:46:00I want to make love again.
00:46:02I want to marry you.
00:46:04Nixos, you already are married.
00:46:11I want to marry you.
00:46:11I can get married any time I want.
00:46:13I am Nixos.
00:46:14I make my own rules.
00:46:15Nixos can marry 50 women.
00:46:17Nixos can marry a chair.
00:46:19Come.
00:46:21We go back home to my island in Greece.
00:46:24We get married.
00:46:29You will ye say, Imats.
00:46:32I mean.
00:46:38You may not kiss the bride.
00:46:44I got to know Nixos' wife and his son, Nicholas.
00:46:47Nicholas was throbbing violently on the brink of manhood.
00:46:51Helena was a woman scorned.
00:47:02Ha ha ha ha.
00:47:05Ha ha ha.
00:47:18Ha ha ha.
00:47:31I knew Noxos would soon discard me the way he discarded Helena.
00:47:35I had to avenge myself in advance.
00:47:38This thing we have done, is it wrong, Mother?
00:47:42I'm not your mother, Nicholas.
00:47:43But you married my father's mother?
00:47:45Yes, but you're not my son.
00:47:47Your father's other wife is your mother.
00:47:49You are your mother's son.
00:47:51All I know is that I love you and that I want you to marry me, Mother.
00:47:55I'm not your mother, Nicholas.
00:47:57My husband, your wife, your son.
00:48:01What is this? What is this?
00:48:04I have made love with your son, my husband.
00:48:06But you are my wife.
00:48:07Helena is your wife. I am your other wife.
00:48:10I am sorry, Father. She is my mother.
00:48:13My wife is also your mother, son.
00:48:17Why? Why do you do this?
00:48:21Because I wanted to.
00:48:22You wanted to?
00:48:23I wanted to.
00:48:25Only I, Noxos, can make love to my own son.
00:48:28I am Greek.
00:48:29But no, I cannot.
00:48:31It's ruined.
00:48:33I will kill you.
00:48:36No, I cannot kill you.
00:48:38I love you.
00:48:41I will kill you.
00:48:42No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:48:44No.
00:48:45No.
00:48:46I may still want to make love to you later.
00:48:48You're my son.
00:48:51Noxos must kill someone.
00:48:54Who?
00:48:54I will kill your mother.
00:49:01No, no, no, no.
00:49:04I will kill you.
00:49:06You must kill me.
00:49:06I will kill you.
00:49:06I will kill you.
00:49:08You taught me.
00:49:10You wound me.
00:49:11You embittered my heart.
00:49:13You taught me.
00:49:15You wound me.
00:49:16You torture me forever.
00:49:20Wife, your son has made love to my wife.
00:49:25Someone must die for this.
00:49:27You are the only one we could think of.
00:49:34I have done it.
00:49:43What have I done?
00:49:51Noxos was convicted of murder.
00:49:53His final request was to be executed on his private golf course in Monte Carlo.
00:50:03I inherited the vast empire of Nixos Noxos.
00:50:07Any ordinary college graduate would have been happy.
00:50:10But I still yearn for something money and power couldn't buy.
00:50:14Go on, Dr. Kleiner.
00:50:16As you know, I've been experimenting with margarine in my laboratories.
00:50:20Yesterday, by mistake, I brought some experimental margarine to my mother in the hospital.
00:50:26Is something wrong?
00:50:27She has cancer.
00:50:29She is 107 years old.
00:50:32There is in her room, by her bed, a colored television set.
00:50:36The colored television tube irradiated the experimental margarine before she ate it.
00:50:41Today, I went back to see her.
00:50:43She was laughing and singing and dancing all around the room.
00:50:46And she had the strength to pick up her bed and throw it at the nurse.
00:50:50She is cured.
00:50:52You mean...
00:50:53Jawohl.
00:50:54If people will only eat our margarine and watch television, cancer will be cured.
00:51:00Then Corsair Industries has found a cure for cancer.
00:51:05Thank you, Dr. Kleiner.
00:51:07Bitte schön.
00:51:15Would this bring the happiness that had eluded me for a day and a half?
00:51:28A few hours ago, the world had no cure for cancer.
00:51:32Now, thanks to margarine, we do.
00:51:34It is with sincere pride that I accept this most coveted award in Western civilization,
00:51:40the Nobel Prize.
00:51:42And I thank you for awarding it to me out of season.
00:51:55All America is so proud of you, Dominique.
00:51:57Thank you, Mr. President.
00:51:59If it wouldn't be too much to ask, I would certainly like a sample of your cancer cure for my
00:52:04mother.
00:52:05I'd be most happy to give you anything you want, Mr. President.
00:52:11Funny.
00:52:12I was going from a Greek tycoon to a President of the United States.
00:52:16Usually, it's the other way around.
00:52:24It's beautiful.
00:52:25How do you like this flat?
00:52:26It once belonged to King Gustav of Sweden.
00:52:29It's beautiful.
00:52:34Robert, darling.
00:52:37Why don't you tell me what you really think?
00:52:40What you feel.
00:52:44i love you dominique i have 20 mistresses but i don't need any of them anymore
00:52:49you've given me more than any woman could possibly give i want to marry you
00:52:57you're already married
00:53:00i have a surprise for you just a small token of my love
00:53:11it's a replica of the presidential seal in gold and precious gems here
00:53:18let me help you put it around your neck oh no ah i'll put it on later do you like
00:53:24it i love it
00:53:25it's really beautiful yes let me help you yeah thank you
00:53:58mr president senator edmondson you're looking good
00:54:01congratulations on your latest marriage and this must be the little woman
00:54:06it must be wonderful being president
00:54:09uh you remember my wife the first lady of course
00:54:12hello how do you do how do you do this is our guest of honor dominique corsair
00:54:17welcome hello
00:54:21well oh washington is delighted to give this party in your honor
00:54:25you're a fantastic woman good evening thank you mrs first lady hello
00:54:32uh when you have a moment i'd like a word with you
00:54:35ah i have the second dance free your husband and i have to do the first one
00:54:40for the photographers you know good evening how nice to see you
00:55:00you see my husband look more relaxed i want him to be happy and you lucille are you happy
00:55:08happy yes yes i am i feel happy with you and i with you
00:55:31ladies and gentlemen the president of the united states
00:55:34his wife and his girlfriend
00:55:43ladies and gentlemen of the press please be seated
00:55:48it's good to see you all here once again
00:55:50you all know my wife lucille our first lady
00:55:54at this time she has an announcement of some national importance
00:56:05ladies and gentlemen i have come to a decision which i believe will aid my husband
00:56:13in becoming the greatest president the united states has ever had
00:56:20and in turn will help our country to realize its destiny of greatness
00:56:27i have decided that it is my duty to relinquish my role as wife of the president and first lady
00:56:36and to yield those honors and responsibilities
00:56:40to
00:56:42to his girlfriend dominique corsair
00:56:46the woman i love
00:56:48thank you
00:56:51three days ago i was a lonely college graduate
00:56:55without a job without love without money without success
00:57:00and now i am the most powerful woman in the world
00:57:05but am i really happy
00:57:09damn right i'm happy
00:57:12you
00:57:22going to the movie
00:57:23real life drama
00:57:25going to the movie
00:57:27cinerama
00:57:28going to the movie
00:57:30spooky thriller
00:57:32going to the movie
00:57:34psycho killer
00:57:35going to the movie
00:57:52smog
00:57:52killer in the smog
00:57:54a dirty cloak of pollution
00:57:56that shards the foul
00:57:57activities of criminals
00:57:59and hampers the swift vengeance of the dead
00:58:05can you make me 12 copies of this
00:58:10right away
00:58:11these old comics
00:58:12they were great
00:58:14the new ones they stink
00:58:16nothing in real life ever happens
00:58:17can you make me 12 copies of this
00:58:21now
00:58:23your driver's license
00:58:24yes please
00:58:26what do you got 12 cards
00:58:32the bank turned me down for a vacation loan
00:58:35for a vacation see
00:58:37so i've decided to brutally murder a bunch of women
00:58:40to
00:58:42settle the score
00:58:44oh yeah
00:58:45yeah
00:58:47so i thought i'd leave
00:58:50a xerox copy
00:58:51of my driver's license
00:58:55it was my picture and everything
00:58:57sounds pretty psycho to me
00:59:04okay gentlemen
00:59:08okay gents
00:59:09come on
00:59:10will you kindly do me the honor
00:59:12of gracing this briefing room
00:59:13with your presence
00:59:14come on
00:59:15everybody
00:59:16sit down will ya
00:59:18what do you mean i never read
00:59:19i've been on the force 22 years
00:59:21and i've come to the conclusion
00:59:23that people are shit
00:59:25you want to talk about shit pal
00:59:26let's talk about the goddamn legal system
00:59:29you call this this fear
00:59:31life's a real piece of shit huh
00:59:33oh no
00:59:35mine's not
00:59:36my life's pretty darn good
00:59:39i wait you've been here a couple of shitty months
00:59:42hey
00:59:44nagursky
00:59:46stan nagursky
00:59:48i'm
00:59:49grand falcone
00:59:50your new partner
00:59:53i think it's flash gordon
00:59:57my wife divorced me
00:59:59then she died
00:59:59i'll tell you about it sometime
01:00:01okay gentlemen
01:00:03i suppose you've all heard about the driver's license killer
01:00:06the guy who
01:00:08puts a xerox copy of his driver's license
01:00:11in the bodies of all the women he's murdered
01:00:13any of you guys got any leads
01:00:15too much trouble
01:00:17any clues
01:00:18you got two aces of spade
01:00:20ideas and anything
01:00:22yes
01:00:23officer feloni
01:00:24you schmuck
01:00:29officer
01:00:30brent falcone
01:00:34why don't we just get his name and address off his driver's license
01:00:39this young officer here apparently thinks this is a picture show in a theater
01:00:46this is real life feloni
01:00:48walk into the da's office with evidence like that there's shit in your holster
01:00:56what
01:00:56can i be excused i gotta take a shit
01:01:02all right everybody
01:01:03i guess that's it
01:01:05it's in the streets
01:01:07you drive in here
01:01:09i treated in our patrol car for a videotape machine
01:01:35uh
01:01:36uh
01:01:49Oh, look over there! Look at that man! He looks like he's not feeling very well.
01:01:55Stan, can I get out and see if he needs any help?
01:01:58I don't give a damn who cares.
01:02:04This is exciting.
01:02:23How are you doing, pal?
01:02:24How did you look like I'm doing, man?
01:02:27Wow.
01:02:27This is fantastic.
01:02:29You're my first confrontation.
01:02:31Yeah, lucky me.
01:02:34Say, what do you got?
01:02:35Uh-uh.
01:02:35Uh-uh.
01:02:36They wouldn't fill my prescription.
01:02:38No?
01:02:40No.
01:02:41Well, what's it for?
01:02:42Uh-uh.
01:02:43Cough drops.
01:02:44Cough drops?
01:02:45No.
01:02:45I woke up this morning.
01:02:48I think it was this morning, but it could have been a couple of weeks ago.
01:02:53But I woke up this morning...
01:02:56You poor fella.
01:02:57Listen, you better come with me.
01:02:58I don't know when it was, because I woke up a lot, you know?
01:03:01Yeah, me too.
01:03:02Uh-uh.
01:03:03Okay.
01:03:04Uh-uh.
01:03:07Uh-uh.
01:03:09Uh-uh.
01:03:10Uh-uh.
01:03:10Uh-uh.
01:03:11Uh-uh.
01:03:11Too tight?
01:03:12Yeah, that-that hurts.
01:03:14Uh-uh.
01:03:14Well, maybe we have some lotion in the car.
01:03:16Yeah, that'd be real nice.
01:03:18You're a good guy.
01:03:23Here we go.
01:03:25Uh, excuse me, sir.
01:03:27Here, let's go this way.
01:03:29Hey, Stan, I made it to rest.
01:03:30What about my dog?
01:03:32What kind of dog is it?
01:03:33A blue dog.
01:03:34Blue dog?
01:03:35Stan, we better find this kind of dog.
01:03:37I don't think it'll be very hard to find.
01:03:38How the hell with this dog.
01:03:39It's a blue dog.
01:03:41There aren't many blue dogs around.
01:03:44That's for sure.
01:03:44Comfortable?
01:03:46No.
01:03:47So anyway, I got my master's in social welfare.
01:03:53And at the same time, I got real active with the World Health Fund.
01:03:57I also work with the International Symphony Guild on weekends.
01:04:01You know what we're doing?
01:04:03We're sending 10,000 local Mexican kids to our two-week symphony camp in Mexico City,
01:04:10where they can learn music in a real Mexican setting.
01:04:15Isn't that wonderful?
01:04:16Fine.
01:04:17Fine.
01:04:18Fine.
01:04:19Now, I'm gonna give you the first of Nagurski's laws.
01:04:23Never throw water on a sleeping junkie.
01:04:27What?
01:04:28What are you doing for?
01:04:30I'm wet.
01:04:31I'm wet.
01:04:31What are you getting the shit out of me for?
01:04:33I'm wet.
01:04:34I'm wet.
01:04:35Come on, look.
01:04:36We have a...
01:04:37Oh, I'm sorry.
01:04:38We have a niner...
01:04:40Sevener...
01:04:40Niner...
01:04:41Caucasian.
01:04:42Five foot three inch...
01:04:44...thrashing, squirrelling female...
01:04:47...being thrown out of a car.
01:04:49Stan, they're killing that girl.
01:04:51Bud, Dad.
01:04:52Let's go over to Sunset and talk to some whore.
01:04:55She's in the street.
01:04:55Falcone, now I'm going to give you my law number two.
01:05:00Never investigate anything where you might possibly have to get out of the car.
01:05:08Where's my dog?
01:05:14I got this dog, you know, who is really messed up because he was doing some animal tranquilizer or something
01:05:23like that.
01:05:24Really?
01:05:25Yeah.
01:05:26And when I got up, I reached over to smack my dog.
01:05:33Yeah.
01:05:34Because when I get up, I like to smack him.
01:05:39I went whack, you know, and...
01:05:43That's not nice.
01:05:45My dog got really pissed off.
01:05:48Sure.
01:05:48And he ran in the bedroom, and he put some Ajax in my syringe, and it fucked me up, right?
01:05:58So, uh, I may not be too high right now, but, uh, uh, I'm clean.
01:06:09Flake out, Mac, flake out.
01:06:12Nagurski's law number three.
01:06:15Always call the car a vehicle around whores.
01:06:17They get off on that.
01:06:19Good evening, ladies.
01:06:20Want to step over to the vehicle, please?
01:06:24What's new, girls?
01:06:26I was stabbed in the leg by an aircraft mechanic.
01:06:28I'm sorry.
01:06:30Some creep went and killed Stacy.
01:06:33Left the Xerox of his driver's license right on a face.
01:06:36Man.
01:06:38That was weird, Stan.
01:06:43Nice talking to you, girls.
01:06:45We'll see you around.
01:06:47Be careful.
01:06:48Bye-bye.
01:06:528-9-10-er.
01:06:548-9-10-er.
01:06:548-9-10-er.
01:06:558-9-10-er.
01:06:57What am I doing?
01:07:00I'm gonna hit the flashers, okay?
01:07:03Help yourself.
01:07:04This is fantastic.
01:07:07I can't tell you how excited I am to be riding with you.
01:07:10I'm glad you're excited, but, you know, I don't want to say anything, but you could be a little boring.
01:07:15You know?
01:07:16Really?
01:07:17I like your enthusiasm, but you're boring.
01:07:19Then turn the damn flashers off.
01:07:23You know, he's right, man.
01:07:24You are boring.
01:07:26You're a real drag, you know?
01:07:27I said flake out.
01:07:29Yeah.
01:07:29Okay, man.
01:07:31Good night.
01:07:32Good night.
01:07:33Good night.
01:07:35Good night.
01:07:36Good night.
01:07:36Good night, man.
01:07:37I like you.
01:07:39Am I drag?
01:07:41What?
01:07:42Am I really boring?
01:07:44Nah, you're okay.
01:07:46It's just that he's a pain in the ass.
01:07:49Don't you think you're too hard on the fella?
01:07:51I said he's a pain in the ass.
01:07:54At least I'm not boring.
01:07:57Well, don't be too sure.
01:08:00Code 412.
01:08:02Code 412.
01:08:03Break in Sunset Boulevard.
01:08:05Corner Gardener.
01:08:07Freedom, Qatar.
01:08:11Negerski's law number four.
01:08:13Never go near a music store that's been cut into with an acetylene torch.
01:08:46Hey man, get out of my face.
01:08:49I didn't mean to be in your face.
01:08:53Um, why don't we just pop over to my house, look around the garage.
01:08:59I'll bet we can rig up a set of drums just for you.
01:09:10Stan, a little kid shot me.
01:09:17Oh boy.
01:09:20Oreos.
01:09:21Devil cream.
01:09:26Mmm.
01:09:31Did you see that?
01:09:36Things weren't always this bad, Balconi.
01:09:39Back in the old days, people respected cops.
01:09:43The ones that didn't, we busted their ribs and locked them up.
01:09:48But today, it's a fucking joke out there.
01:09:53Can't convict them, can't arrest them.
01:09:56As long as they don't come between me and my chili dog, to hell with them.
01:10:00I still think somebody's gotta care.
01:10:07Excuse me for interrupting your lunch.
01:10:10Officer Brent Falcone here.
01:10:14If any of you would, would like to talk about this, I just want you to know, I'm here to
01:10:22listen.
01:10:22And, this is not my order.
01:10:33It's like I was onитанplex.
01:10:35I mean, and this is not my order.
01:10:42Code Nin-nine, over.
01:10:50Code 666.
01:10:52Hey, somebody wants you to go to 4013 Chandler
01:10:56and try to arrest Samuel Stockman,
01:10:59a.k.a. driver's license killer,
01:11:02considered armed, and has a lawyer.
01:11:06We're here.
01:11:074013 Chandler.
01:11:14Uh, uh, Mr. Stockman?
01:11:23Samuel Stockman?
01:11:25This is the police.
01:11:28You can't touch me, coppers! I got a lawyer!
01:11:32I'm sick and tired of my client being harassed and heckled by the police,
01:11:35and I intend suing you for every nickel I got.
01:11:37Take it, my wife, please.
01:11:39I know that guy.
01:11:41I take my wife everywhere, but she finds her way home.
01:11:44I said to my wife,
01:11:45where do you want to go for your anniversary?
01:11:47She said, I want to go somewhere I've never been before.
01:11:49I said, try the kitchen.
01:11:53Hey, Stan, what do we do?
01:11:56You heard him.
01:11:57The guy's got a lawyer.
01:12:03Stan, looks like a 211 in there.
01:12:07You better call for backup.
01:12:09I'll go on the bystanders.
01:12:11One of those mothers could be in on it, Falcone,
01:12:14and blow your face away.
01:12:15I've got to try.
01:12:27Excuse me.
01:12:28Excuse me, please.
01:12:29Move back.
01:12:31Move back.
01:12:32Somebody could get hurt.
01:12:33Please, walk back.
01:12:39Excuse me.
01:12:41Excuse me.
01:12:42Excuse me.
01:12:43Excuse me.
01:12:54Hi, honey.
01:12:56I've been shot again.
01:13:10Oh, honey.
01:13:16Brent, I'm leaving you.
01:13:20Look at you.
01:13:22Look at me.
01:13:24Look at your son.
01:13:26Look at the dog.
01:13:27It's not just the dog, Brent.
01:13:29Cats all up and down the neighborhood are being handcuffed by your son.
01:13:36I don't know who you are anymore.
01:13:39Oh!
01:13:41Oh!
01:13:44Tammy?
01:13:44Do you see what's happening to us?
01:13:47Look at this.
01:13:48Look at this.
01:13:49You're starting to wear all the same ugly bargain basement garbage the other off-duty cops wear.
01:13:55Oh!
01:13:57You ever see yourself in that stuff?
01:13:59You look like a cop.
01:14:02And look at me.
01:14:03I don't want to wear blue anymore.
01:14:05You know that, Brent?
01:14:08Goodbye.
01:14:12Stanley.
01:14:13Huh?
01:14:14We got a guy here.
01:14:15He's got a hot tip on the driver's license.
01:14:17Hot tip?
01:14:19I'll give you a hot tip.
01:14:21Turn off your hearing aid any time a stoolie wants to sell you something.
01:14:26Six to one, he's trying to sell you down the river.
01:14:29No, no, no, Stan.
01:14:29This guy's on the level.
01:14:30I'm telling you.
01:14:31He's not just trying to make a deal.
01:14:33Come on, Stan.
01:14:36He's in the interrogation room.
01:14:37That's a waste of time.
01:14:39You're going to be proud of me.
01:14:41I think we'll crack this one.
01:14:42Yeah, I'm proud enough of you.
01:14:44I don't need this.
01:14:56He calls himself Mousy.
01:14:59No kidding.
01:15:01Also known as Marvin Jerome, Milton James, Mark Lejong.
01:15:05Small-time chiseler, con man.
01:15:08Likes to expose himself to household pets.
01:15:12What's new, Mousy?
01:15:14I'm straightening, Gursky.
01:15:15This is strictly legit.
01:15:17You know that psycho?
01:15:18He came into my photocopying shop last week.
01:15:20He came back again today.
01:15:23Thanks.
01:15:24I know I only smoke mentals.
01:15:25Oh, I'm sorry.
01:15:27I think that psycho's ready to strike again.
01:15:31You do?
01:15:32That's an interesting theory, Mousy.
01:15:34He wanted a dozen more copies of that driver's license I made for him last week.
01:15:39I said, no way, pal.
01:15:40You ain't getting nothing.
01:15:43And then he said he's going to start murdering women again.
01:15:47This afternoon.
01:15:50Maple and Chandler.
01:16:07Excuse me.
01:16:07What?
01:16:08I'm Officer Brent Falcone.
01:16:12May I see some identification, please?
01:16:15I'll give you a copy of my driver's license.
01:16:18Okay.
01:16:19Damn it.
01:16:23Can I help you?
01:16:47You're going to have to come with me.
01:16:52Where are you going?
01:16:52You're innocent until proven guilty.
01:17:08Buckle up.
01:17:09Dad.
01:17:19Dad.
01:17:22Dad.
01:17:23Dad.
01:17:29Dad.
01:17:32Dad.
01:17:42Wow, what a trip how about we grab a sandwich my tree
01:18:04get a hold of yourself don't try anything funny I know how to handle this thing sure you do hey
01:18:20Brent you
01:18:21better watch out man that guy is nuts he's whacked out he does a lot of dope you play
01:18:34don't try anything funny classical or pop
01:18:42folk probably that's great so do I what's your favorite song lots of things
01:19:01do you know feelings
01:19:09oh boy sit down listen to this
01:19:25feelings nothing more than feelings
01:19:32trying to forget my feelings of love
01:20:02you know I hear they got a pretty good band up in state prison
01:20:10what do you say I just come up and visit with you we could jam together
01:20:17yeah I know about guys like you somewhere along the line took a wrong turn all you need is a
01:20:27little
01:20:27support little direction you'll be back doing your own thing maybe you'll even
01:20:33have your own band
01:20:36feelings
01:20:39all of my life all feelings
01:20:48meanwhile
01:20:51I'd be happy to keep an eye on your place you know water the plants get a cleaning lady in
01:20:56every once in a while
01:20:57it's really no sweat
01:20:59hey just leave me an extra set of keys in the kitchen
01:21:02that is
01:21:06if you can trust a cop
01:21:14if I can trust a cop
01:21:19if I can trust a cop
01:21:20if I can trust a cop
01:21:22I can't trust no cops
01:21:25I can't trust no cops
01:21:28I can't trust no cops
01:21:33you shouldn't have done that Mr. Starkman
01:21:40that does it
01:21:42that does it
01:21:42what do I have to do to get through to you guys huh
01:21:45I mean what the fuck do I have to do
01:21:49I go around busting my balls for you huh
01:21:51this is what I get
01:21:53will you get this
01:21:59what are we going to go wrong huh
01:22:00your mommy didn't give you enough love
01:22:02well let me give you some love
01:22:03here's some love
01:22:05want a little more love
01:22:07alright
01:22:09do you believe this guy Stan
01:22:11I was going to
01:22:12take care of his place
01:22:12I was going to look after him
01:22:15I was even going to give him a job at the band
01:22:18but you don't fucking diserve no job at the band man
01:22:21you probably couldn't even play for shit you know that
01:22:23You couldn't even watch out for shit.
01:22:26Your singing sucks, you know that?
01:22:28It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.
01:22:30It sucks.
01:22:50It really sucked.
01:22:53It really sucked.
01:23:03Ahhhh.
01:23:04Ahhhh.
01:23:23Hey. Hiya Brent.
01:23:26Ahhhh.
01:23:27Ahhhh.
01:23:29Ahhhh.
01:23:30Ahhhh.
01:23:31Ahhhh.
01:23:33Ahhhh.
01:23:56Ahhhh.
01:23:57Don't take it so hard.
01:23:59Everybody shoots somebody sometimes.
01:24:02It's a cop's life.
01:24:23Ahhhh.
01:24:25Ahhhh.
01:24:26Ahhhh.
01:24:30Ahhhh.
01:24:31Ahhhh.
01:24:32Ahhhh.
01:24:34It's your turn Stan.
01:24:37What?
01:24:39It's your turn.
01:24:41My turn?
01:24:42I've got seniority.
01:24:44I don't give a shit.
01:24:45Oh come on.
01:24:46Get out of the car.
01:24:47What?
01:24:49Get out of the fucking car.
01:24:51Ahhhh.
01:24:53Ahhhh.
01:24:53Ahhhh.
01:24:54Ahhhh.
01:24:54Ahhhh.
01:24:55Ahhhh.
01:24:57Ahhhh.
01:24:58Give me my cap.
01:24:59Come on.
01:25:00Ahhhh.
01:25:01Ahhhhh.
01:25:03Ahhhh.
01:25:03Twit.
01:25:05No.
01:25:06That's what the law number one.
01:25:08You.
01:25:09No.
01:25:10No.
01:25:10No.
01:25:11No.
01:25:11No.
01:25:12No.
01:25:13No.
01:25:13No.
01:25:14No.
01:25:22No.
01:25:24No.
01:25:25No.
01:25:26No.
01:25:27No.
01:25:27No.
01:25:32All right, break it up, break it up.
01:25:36Hey, don't shoot me.
01:25:37I'm here to help you.
01:25:39Oh, okay.
01:25:45Wow, somebody woke me up.
01:25:47I hate cops that don't want to get embalmed.
01:25:51Guys like that just don't seem fair.
01:25:56I think I'm coming on to some acid I did in 1967.
01:27:12You're a swimmer, I'm a shark
01:27:15While we sit here in the dark
01:27:19I'm a robot with a gun
01:27:22You're a supersonic nun
01:27:26You're the country star, I'm a brave GI
01:27:30In a stolen car from a comic spy
01:27:33You're the beauty queen, I'm the science prop
01:27:36With your seconds on the clock before the bomb goes off
01:27:41Going to the movie, double feature
01:27:44Going to the movie, creepy creature
01:27:48Going to the movie, old plan
01:27:51I'm going to the movie, sexploitation
01:27:55Going to the movies, gonna lap that crap
01:27:59Going to the movies till I brain fall out
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