- 12 hours ago
Beauty and the Beast X Parody (1988) [Full Movie] [Vertical Drama]Full EP - Full
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:08Hello children, and now it's time for our story.
00:30I forget what I had to say, all I know is that you're the one for me.
00:41Oh, why do they say we were never meant to be?
00:49Oh, all I know is we have something no one else can see.
01:00Oh, in my eyes you're beautiful to me.
01:10Kisses are forever, and you never cry.
01:16And if you can't be next to me, I know you'll always try.
01:23Never mind the heartache, forget about the pain.
01:30And always...
01:32Once upon a time, there was a poor village, and in this village was a poor cottage.
01:38And in the cottage lived a very poor man, Lyle Notapenny.
01:43I'm not poor, I'm just...
01:45I'm between pictures.
01:47Yeah, right.
01:50Lyle Notapenny was a peddler, who often traveled to different realms to sell his wares.
01:56Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for him.
02:03Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for him.
02:04Excuse me.
02:05Yes?
02:07Uh, don't you think maybe the folks could just follow along on their own from here on out?
02:11They could probably figure things out, okay?
02:13Very well.
02:15She drives me crazy.
02:21Eliza, sweetheart, dear.
02:25Eliza, well, well, daughter.
02:30Beauty, excuse me.
02:32I just, I was going to just come and see you now.
02:34You know, I'm getting ready to go on my long journey and, like, say goodbye.
02:38I shall miss you, my father.
02:41Oh.
02:43Well, you know, how much I love you and I'd really like to get you, uh, you know, a special
02:48gift of some kind and bring it back from the trip and, you know, things for a little bit.
02:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, between pictures, I know.
02:54But you have already given me the greatest gift a father could give a daughter.
02:59To be raised in a wonderful, wholesome, clean home.
03:05Oh, well, I just, I, but I'd like to give you whatever you desire, you know, anything.
03:11I mean, I might do well.
03:12I could sell a good gross of leeches or a lot of, uh, I Survived the Plague t-shirts, you
03:18know, if it's possible.
03:19Well, I would like a rose.
03:24A beautiful rose.
03:26A rose?
03:28That would make me very happy.
03:30It's a rose.
03:31Oh, well, I'll see what I can do.
03:34I'll, I'll really try.
03:36Um, well, okay.
03:41Now, you beware of the lepers.
03:44Don't you let in any more trolls like you did last time, okay?
03:48That's fine, brother.
03:49Okay, fine.
03:50Brother, you have a nice journey.
03:51Yes, dearest.
03:53There you go.
03:55Yep.
03:56You can shove that in there later, sir.
03:58Yes.
03:59I sure have it.
04:00There's my hat.
04:01It's not quite this.
04:03Thank you, dear.
04:06Goodbye.
04:07Bye, Dad.
04:08Yes.
04:09Excuse me.
04:11Excuse me.
04:31Lyle, not a penny, started to make his way home.
04:34He had done quite poorly in his peddling, and to top it all off, a very clever con man had
04:41taken his last penny, he had sold him some beans.
04:45He had heard about a man, Jack, who climbed a beanstalk and made a fortune, but stupid Lyle
04:52didn't realize it was just a fairy tale.
05:02Finally, just when his tired feet could carry him no more, he came upon a beautiful castle.
05:26I wonder if the friendly baron dwells therein that might take a poor traveler who's had a
05:34long and weary voyage here.
05:38I'll check therein and see.
05:44Such are the wages of chivalry.
05:47You're a knight in shitty armor.
05:56As Shakespeare will say in about two hundred years, me thinks you'll protest too much.
06:01Why do you resist me so?
06:03After all, we're the same, you and I.
06:06Poor and passionate.
06:08I'll do better than you.
06:10You just wait and see.
06:12One day my love will come here and take me away from all this.
06:15But not before kicking your ass.
06:17We've worked here in close quarters for three years, and you still prefer some phantom prince
06:22to me.
06:23After all, a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.
06:27That's a bird, you lowlife.
06:29Everyone has their pet name for it.
06:33You know what you are?
06:34You're a knave and a scoundrel.
06:38You know my goal is to leave this dump, and to marry someone like our master, a handsome
06:43prince.
06:45But he isn't handsome.
06:47He's beastly.
06:49No, but deep inside he's beautiful.
06:53You'll say.
06:54Get back to work.
06:55I don't pay you six pence a week to rut like weasels on my floor.
06:59Yes, my lord.
07:00Yes, my lord.
07:01Yes, my lord.
07:03Go.
07:27Yes, my lord.
07:50My good woman.
07:52I'm a weary traveler who would see if he could stay here and get some lodging for his long
07:58trip.
07:59Well, I don't see why not, but it's up to me now.
08:02Who's at the door, Deborah?
08:04It's a weary traveler.
08:06I have a great body and charm.
08:08Who wishes lodging for the evening?
08:11Do you play games?
08:14Uh, well, a little.
08:16I'm not very good at it.
08:18Great.
08:18Enter my good man.
08:25I must warn you.
08:27Uh, uh.
08:28Oh, oh, the floor's slippery.
08:30I, I, I, I, there's danger here.
08:32No, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I'm gonna have to work for my, my supper.
08:36It's, uh, uh, I'll, I'll chop some wood.
08:38No, I, I said, uh, expecting to get your name.
08:43Oh, I, Lyle not appay.
08:47Lyle, I must warn you.
08:50Master is very sensitive and he has a short fuse.
08:53He mustn't gasp for show any sort of devotion.
08:57You have to see his face.
08:58Why would I be so rude? My goodness, I mean, I'm not an old for shill-mannered peasant.
09:04Hello, I'm Lord Beastington, and you are?
09:07I'm... Holy shit, Jesus Christ, Mother of God!
09:10Mr. Lau, holy shit, Jesus Christ, Mother of God. Interesting name. Religious, yet, uh, decadent.
09:22Problem?
09:23Um, um, too big, too big.
09:27Oh, really? You know, I studied a little bit of dentistry in my youth.
09:34Here, let me see, let me see.
09:39Not bad, not bad. Could use a little cleaning and maybe some braces on those lower incisors.
09:47Uh-huh.
09:48You know, most people think braces are for children.
09:51But I've worn them up until just recently.
09:54They've done wonders for my smile.
10:01Beautiful.
10:03Well, if I could be off to bed, I'm getting a little tired.
10:05Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
10:07Ha, yes.
10:07Uh, I've got the crack of dawn, so I'm probably going to be seeing you again.
10:11What's the rush?
10:12Uh...
10:12What's the rush?
10:13We could have something to...
10:16We could have something to...
10:18Something, ah, to eat.
10:21And maybe, perhaps you could join me in a game or two.
10:27Hmm.
10:28Hmm.
10:28Well, I don't want to turn down your hospitality.
10:37Uh...
10:39Sir?
10:40Uh...
10:41What again did you say this game was called, uh...
10:43Oh, this game was invented by a friend of mine, Lord Parker and his brother.
10:48It's called Monopoly.
10:50Oh.
10:51Here we go.
10:55Uh...
10:55Q-U-A-S-T-L-E.
10:58Castle.
10:59That's 30 points for me.
11:00Castle.
11:03Uh...
11:04Sir?
11:04Sire?
11:05Sire?
11:05Is that not, uh...
11:07Quassle?
11:08Just...
11:10It's kind of like Quassle to me, but...
11:12No, it's Castle.
11:14Q-U-A-S-T-L-E.
11:16Castle.
11:16Castle.
11:17Castle.
11:17Isn't Castle like, uh...
11:19Sea?
11:20Sea?
11:20Castle?
11:22Castle.
11:23Q-U-A-S-T-L-E.
11:24Castle.
11:25What's the matter?
11:25You can't see?
11:26No, no, I...
11:27I...
11:27What's wrong with you?
11:29Are you doubting my intelligence?
11:31Ah!
11:32No, I'm not.
11:33No, sir.
11:34Of course not, sire.
11:35Sire.
11:36Looks good to me.
11:37Good.
11:3830 points.
11:38Castle.
11:3840 points for you.
11:3930 points.
11:40Enough.
11:41Just what I get.
11:42It's your turn.
11:44Yes, sir.
11:44Sire.
11:52S-H-E-R-W-O-O-D.
11:56Sherwood.
11:57Sherwood Forrest.
11:58Just like Sherwood Forrest.
12:00Ah, thank you.
12:01Well...
12:01I win again.
12:04Uh...
12:04But...
12:05That's...
12:06That's...
12:06I don't think that's...
12:07That's not a proper noun.
12:09It's not...
12:11It's a proper noun.
12:12It's proper.
12:12Sherwood Forrest is proper.
12:14What's the matter with you?
12:14No, no.
12:15It's a word, yes.
12:15It's a good word, too.
12:17It's a word.
12:17But...
12:18The...
12:18Capital letters.
12:19For Forrest.
12:20Capital letters.
12:23The capitals.
12:23Look, capitals.
12:24G.
12:25Capital G.
12:27There's a capital M here, right?
12:28Is that a capital?
12:29That's a capital.
12:30Capital M, right?
12:31It's a capital to me.
12:32What's the matter with you?
12:33Yeah.
12:34Far be it from me to...
12:35But there's...
12:36Something is...
12:37Not quite...
12:38Is it...
12:39I don't understand you.
12:40You're always complaining about when I make a word.
12:43You shouldn't do that.
12:43Yes.
12:44Sherwood Forrest is a word.
12:46What's the matter with you?
12:47It's just like a word.
12:48I win.
12:48Come on.
12:49Did I tell you...
12:50That I have...
12:51A new set of thumbscrews?
12:53Oh!
12:55Looks good to me!
12:56Does it?
12:57Yes.
12:58I win again.
12:59You win again.
12:59That's right.
13:00Stupid me.
13:01Another mistake.
13:04Well, it's getting late.
13:06I'm gonna have to give it up.
13:07We're bad here.
13:08Come on.
13:09We can play another game.
13:10It was over so fast.
13:11Oh, that's...
13:12No, you're...
13:13You're just too good.
13:14I'm just...
13:14I'm losing everything.
13:15It's stupid me.
13:16Make all these mistakes.
13:18But you're improving.
13:19Look, you got wife here.
13:21Yeah, I got wife.
13:23Uh...
13:23Well, I...
13:24I think I should just leave it at that, you know, and take off to bed.
13:27Uh...
13:27I'm not so good.
13:28I sort of warned you before.
13:29I'm not really good at...
13:30At games.
13:31And you're really good, boy.
13:33I'll tell...
13:33You're the best I've ever run across.
13:35All right.
13:37Mr. Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ, Mother of God.
13:41I'll join you for breakfast at dawn.
13:43On a very early riser.
13:44Oh, good.
13:46Lord Beast.
13:50Tomorrow?
13:54Sure wouldn't...
13:55Sure wouldn't work, huh?
13:57It's crazy, isn't it?
13:58Yeah, it's crazy.
14:03That guy is ugly!
14:07How the hell am I ever gonna get to sleep?
14:09Oh.
14:11Hades, Hades, Hades.
14:14Oh.
14:16Up walking all day long, trying to sell leeches.
14:19Doesn't do a bit of good.
14:20Nobody wants leeches in this day and time.
14:24Oh.
14:25I gotta think of something beautiful.
14:27I don't wanna have nightmares all night long.
14:29Nightmares, I hate nightmares.
14:31Think of being shish kebab by unicorns.
14:35Gremlins.
14:37I know.
14:41I'll think of my daughter, Beauty.
14:44No.
14:45This time of night, I better not think of Beauty.
14:48It's...
14:49I know.
14:51I'll think of the Queen.
14:55She a little high there, maybe.
14:58I know.
15:00I'll think of that whore at Wimbledon.
15:03After the tennis.
15:04I was happy to be leaving that ugly baron's domain.
15:09Goodbye, Lord Beast.
15:10Beast England.
15:11Beast England.
15:12Thanks a lot.
15:14You won't regret taking those leeches off my hands.
15:17They're good steel.
15:26As Lion was about to leave the grounds of Beast England, he passed a rose bush filled with beautiful pink
15:32roses.
15:34Remembering the request of his daughter, Beauty, he plucked one of the roses.
15:45Hey!
15:46Hey!
15:49Who gave you permission to pick that rose?
15:51Well, I just thought it was, you know...
15:53I give you room and board.
15:55My maid bucks your brains out.
15:56Can you steal a rose from me?
15:58Beauty.
15:58I should put you in my dungeon and give you a good thrashing.
16:02Well, I meant no harm.
16:02It's just that my beautiful, beauteous daughter Beauty asked that I bring her a rose.
16:07A nice little rose.
16:08And I can't give my daughter the finer things in life.
16:12Very well, very well.
16:14I'll not thrash you.
16:17You're a beautiful human being, you know?
16:19Unconditioned.
16:20It's a beautiful daughter Beauty.
16:22Visit my home for a few days.
16:26Beauty is fine and delicate.
16:28I'm afraid that she would be maybe a little afraid, you understand?
16:34Yeah, you understand.
16:37Did I mention to you that I have snakes in my dungeon?
16:42Uh, Beauty, be right over.
16:44Take the first ox cart down.
16:45I'll send it right over.
16:46Alright, good.
16:47And if you don't make good on your promise...
16:50I'll find it.
16:52Yes, sir.
16:53Sire.
16:57Have a nice day.
17:05Dodgers, I've returned.
17:07Oh, Father, Father, I have missed you so.
17:10Beauty.
17:12Look what I have brought you.
17:14Oh, it's so beautiful.
17:17Smell it.
17:20Where is Eliza?
17:22Well, where else?
17:24Oh.
17:34Sit down, Beauty.
17:44Can we talk?
17:45Of course.
17:47You know that really beautiful rose that I brought back for you?
17:51Yes.
17:52Yeah.
17:52Well, it wasn't exactly free.
17:56You see, I got a little bit tired on the trip and I took this break and stayed at this
18:00mansion.
18:00Lyle explained everything.
18:02Well, almost everything.
18:04About the house, the hideous Lord Beastland, and so forth.
18:09But since you know all that, we thought you might want to know what's going on in Eliza's room.
18:16And so would I.
18:19But it's only going to be a couple of days.
18:22A couple of days, sweetheart.
18:24Oh, it sounds awful.
18:26He sounds terrible.
18:27Papa, please don't make me do it.
18:30Father.
18:31Did you bring me any gifts?
18:33Uh.
18:35I'm afraid, dear daughter, I didn't.
18:39My trip wasn't too bound to fall.
18:40It was, uh.
18:41You wiener.
18:44What's the matter with little Miss Muffet?
18:47It's terrible.
18:48A wealthy baron insists that I come and spend a few days at his house because father picked one of
18:54his roses for me.
18:57A rich baron?
18:58What are we waiting for?
19:00Uh, well, I'm afraid he only requested beauty.
19:03Do you know the psychological damage that you do to me when you favor her all the time?
19:08You don't understand.
19:09This baron is an extremely ugly, hideous guy.
19:13Hey, he's rich.
19:15I mean, how bad can he be?
19:17Hmm.
19:18Q-U-A-S-P-L-E.
19:19Castle.
19:20I don't understand.
19:20He said classic.
19:21What do you get classic from?
19:23What do you get classic?
19:24Hey, strange man.
19:25Nice man.
19:27A great guy's in an awkward castle.
19:35Jesus H. Christ.
19:38Son of a bitch.
19:39Art, you have a different name from your father.
19:42Perhaps you'd like to freshen up before...
19:46Before...
19:49Before...
19:50Dinner.
19:51Dinner.
19:52Dinner.
19:53The beast was immediately charmed by the virginal beauty.
19:58Eliza, of course, was quite jealous.
20:03My dear.
20:04Hmm?
20:09Tell me.
20:10Do you know anything about Monopoly?
20:15Come.
20:16I'll show you.
20:21It's very easy.
20:23It's a game with words.
20:25See?
20:26Spell words.
20:28What's a quassel?
20:30What do you mean quassel?
20:31It's castle.
20:32Q-U-A-S-T-L-E.
20:33Castle.
20:34What's the matter to you?
20:35You're just like your father.
20:39Meat.
20:40My favorite.
20:44Meat.
20:58My favorite.
21:00Ah!
21:03Ah!
21:04Ah!
21:06Ah!
21:07Ah!
21:08Ah!
21:10Ah!
21:14Ah!
21:17Ah!
21:21Finished?
21:23Yes.
21:24Yes.
21:25Cesar?
21:26That's close.
21:26No, not thanks, no, for me.
21:29You sure?
21:30Oh, yeah.
21:32No, no, no.
21:32I can't eat sweets.
21:34It's all right.
21:35You're gone, you're gone.
21:40Ah, beauty.
21:44Why don't we have some brandy and some more Monopoly?
21:51As you please, sire.
21:53You know, I'd really like some brandy right about now.
21:56I was speaking only to beauty.
22:00You may retire for the evening.
22:07Ah, beauty.
22:14It's often said that beauty is only skin deep.
22:18When ugliness goes to the ground.
22:21Do you believe that?
22:23Certainly not.
22:25I have so much love and passion inside me.
22:29But my ugliness prevents anyone from seeing it.
22:33That's very sad.
22:35People don't realize that the beautiful diamond is embedded in the dark black coal.
22:40Yeah, yeah.
22:42And the ugly caterpillar becomes the beautiful butterfly.
22:47And the gnarled sticks and twigs of winter make way for the roses of spring.
22:52And those sticky little wrinkled little babies become fully grown adult things and people.
22:59Birds.
23:02Are you finished?
23:04No, quite.
23:05I agree with you.
23:05You agree with me.
23:07Oh, beauty.
23:09So many times in my life I've met women who have completely rebelled and won't even speak to me.
23:15But you...
23:17You're different.
23:19Beauty, could you...
23:21Could you find it in your heart, too?
23:25Make love to me.
23:27Oh, no, wait a minute.
23:28Oh, please, beauty, please.
23:30I would be so grateful.
23:33Listen, I'm...
23:34I'm nice and I'm empathetic and...
23:36And you know all that.
23:37But I'm sorry.
23:38I...
23:39I just...
23:40I can't.
23:40I'm sorry.
23:42I'm the one that should be sorry.
23:43I was wrong, I asked.
23:46Let's enjoy the fire.
23:49Let's enjoy the heat.
23:56Let's go.
24:23Why does that bitch have all the luck?
24:26I mean, why can't I have a rich landowner?
24:31Would you settle for a rich landowner's son?
24:34Of course.
24:37Who are you?
24:39Just as I said.
24:40The master's my father.
24:43Fortunately, I got me mother's looks, though.
24:46Lucky for you.
24:49You know, you really are quite attractive, much more than your sister.
24:56Well, you shouldn't have to say the right things.
25:01Do you believe in love at first sight?
25:06I believe in love at first sight.
25:27Men are such great treasures.
25:29No, they aren't.
25:31I mean, sure, we have Beastie downstairs.
25:33But most men, they're coarse, hairy, and rough.
25:42They're not smooth and silky.
25:46All curvaceous.
25:49And slick.
25:54Or supple.
25:56And round.
25:58And understanding.
26:03Giving.
26:06I mean, man doesn't even...
26:09Farewell, Lord Beastington.
26:12You have been most gracious.
26:15Oh, precious beauty.
26:19Please, I will ask one more time, and I will not ask again.
26:25Just one brief moment of love-making.
26:28Please, and I will comfort and care for you for the rest of your life.
26:32And give anything your heart deserves.
26:34Anything.
26:38Lord Beastington, you are so charming and brilliant and witty.
26:44But I'm sorry.
26:45I cannot.
26:48Oh, no.
26:50Oh, no.
26:51Oh, no.
26:51Why me?
26:54What's the matter with him?
26:56Did he find a zit on his nose this morning?
26:58No.
27:00He's offered to marry me and take care of me for the rest of my life and bestow great riches
27:05upon me.
27:06If only I would make love to him.
27:08And I refused.
27:12Why you?
27:14Why you?
27:16There, there, Lord Beastington, there, there.
27:19I'll make love to you.
27:21That is, if the deal's still on, you know, about to take care of you.
27:27You got a paper bag?
27:33My daughters, you returned safely.
27:35Oh.
27:36Did anybody call for me while I was gone?
27:38Uh, yes.
27:39They're all waiting for you now.
27:40Little John?
27:42Friar Tuck?
27:43Robin and, and Maid Marian?
27:45Well, uh, Robin Hood and Friar Tuck, uh, called.
27:48They'll, uh, be a little bit late from, uh, Sherwood Forest.
27:50But, uh, Little John and Maid Marian, they're, uh...
27:53Wow!
27:59What is wrong, my dear?
28:01Is the beast's ugliness emblazoned on your brain the way it is on mine?
28:07Well, indeed, he's quite ugly on the outside.
28:11But on the inside, he's a man of great wit, sensitivity, romance.
28:18He used to love to build a fire, and we would sit by it.
28:21And he would talk.
28:23You must have done some incredible speaking.
28:25I did.
28:28Well, then why aren't the, uh, Mellon calling my guest?
28:31I'm not sure.
28:34I turned him down when he wanted to make love to me.
28:36Ah!
28:37Jesus, I hate Christ!
28:40You're right to turn him down.
28:41You'd regret it the rest of your life if you did.
28:43But don't you see?
28:44I turned him down merely because he was physically ugly.
28:48I can dig it.
28:50But he wept so bitterly.
28:52You know, he's a man of great sensitivity.
28:55I hurt him.
28:56Now I feel so bad.
28:58My naive one.
29:00Men will beg, and they will plead, and they will cry for the charms of a beautiful woman.
29:06But I cared for him.
29:07I cared for what he was on the inside.
29:10Don't you see?
29:11He genuinely cared for me.
29:13It's true, sometimes you have to dig a little more deeply for true beauty.
29:18Father, I must return to him.
29:21I just cannot be true to myself if I don't.
29:25Well, fine, but if you'd fall in love, and if you'd marry, and, uh, would you consider adoption?
29:31Possibly.
29:34A kid.
29:36So beauty returned as fast as she could to beast land to fulfill her destiny.
29:46Lord Beastington.
29:49You, you're out.
29:50Oh, beauty.
29:52You've returned.
29:53Yes, I've returned my life.
29:55Oh, you have.
29:57But, why?
30:02You mean...
30:03Oh, beauty.
30:05Oh, may I undress you?
30:10Oh.
30:12Let me do it.
30:14Oh.
30:17Let me do it.
30:18Oh.
30:18You know, I am an animal.
30:21Yes.
30:23Oh, my God, it worked.
30:25It worked.
30:27Beauty, I love you.
30:30Oh, you're so...
30:32You are incredibly handsome.
30:36Sure, compared to before.
30:38You see, years ago, a spell was put on me by a wicked witch.
30:43And it could only be removed if a beautiful and kind woman who really and truly cared for me made
30:54love to me.
30:56That's remarkable.
30:59I guess sometimes being a self-sacrificing, guilt-ridden ninny pays off.
31:07Absolutely.
31:10Beauty, will you marry me?
31:14Yes.
31:16Oh, yes.
31:18Mmm.
31:22Ah, well, here we are.
31:25Well, this is my grade school.
31:30PS 48.
31:32Charm.
31:32And over here...
31:37This is my father.
31:41I see the resemblance.
31:45Over here...
31:47Over here...
31:48Is my pen done.
31:53Here...
31:57My window.
31:59What a pain.
32:01Why didn't I ever think of fucking him?
32:04It was a beast.
32:09Hmm.
32:19Oh, my good woman.
32:21Have you a room for a wealthy adventurer, upon whom a witch has cast a horrible spell.
32:29Right this way.
32:36Yes, yes.
32:38Oh, my very own beast.
32:42I can't get this mask off.
32:45Help me, please.
32:47Please.
32:48Please.
32:48It's hot in here.
32:49Please.
32:51That's rough.
32:52I can't get that.
32:54And there you have it, my children.
32:56Everyone came.
32:57Or at least, almost everyone.
33:01Cause in my eyes, you're beautiful to me.
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