Ghosts (US) Season 5 Episode 16: Saying goodbye is never easy, but what happens when "forever" is on the table? The latest episode dives deep into the unexpected twists and turns of the afterlife, leaving us all wondering about the true meaning of commitment.
Get ready for a heartfelt and hilarious journey as our favorite spectral roommates navigate a situation no one saw coming. From hilarious misunderstandings to surprisingly touching moments, this episode explores the bonds that tie us together, even beyond the veil.
Join the gang as they grapple with life-altering decisions and the unique challenges that come with eternity. You won't want to miss the emotional rollercoaster and the signature humor that makes Ghosts (US) a must-watch.
#GhostsUS #Season5 #Sitcom #TVComedy
Get ready for a heartfelt and hilarious journey as our favorite spectral roommates navigate a situation no one saw coming. From hilarious misunderstandings to surprisingly touching moments, this episode explores the bonds that tie us together, even beyond the veil.
Join the gang as they grapple with life-altering decisions and the unique challenges that come with eternity. You won't want to miss the emotional rollercoaster and the signature humor that makes Ghosts (US) a must-watch.
#GhostsUS #Season5 #Sitcom #TVComedy
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Thank you so much for meeting with us.
00:03Yeah, of course. It's my pleasure.
00:05Who is this guy?
00:06It's the tax attorney Samantha and Jay Hire to review the IRS's case against Jay.
00:11No, this guy with the earrings.
00:13That's Jay.
00:14Now, just to get things straight, Mr. Arandecker,
00:17you are a chef who decided to also pursue a career as a financial analyst.
00:21Yep, yep, that's right.
00:22And instead of pursuing this additional career as yourself,
00:25you chose to illegally earn income
00:27but not pay taxes under the assumed identity of Michael Jackson.
00:32Yeah, that was a weird choice on my part.
00:34Have I said sorry enough to Jay?
00:36Husbands, first they leave the toilet seat up,
00:38then they commit tax fraud under an assumed identity.
00:41Right.
00:42Now, it's unlikely that the IRS will refer this case to the DOJ,
00:45which means no prison time.
00:47Yes, okay, we like no prison time.
00:49As long as you pay the back taxes, penalties, and fines in a timely manner.
00:53So you need to remit $220,000 to the IRS by the end of the month.
00:57Damn, Trev, that's some Capone-level tax evasion.
01:00I'm impressed.
01:01We don't have anywhere close to that much.
01:04What about offloading some of your personal assets?
01:06Have you considered selling your property?
01:08Sell my estate?
01:10Oh, I'll give him a piece of my mind if he ever happens to buy on St. Patrick's Day.
01:14We're not selling Woodstone.
01:15Well, then you better come up with another way to make a lot of money very fast,
01:19or you're in big trouble.
01:22I hate to keep beating a dead horse.
01:24I'm not selling feed pics on the internet.
01:27Okay.
01:34So, Sam, heard you're in financial ruin.
01:38Probably karma biting you in the patootie for junking our old beloved water heater.
01:43That's right.
01:44I was over it for a minute, but two weeks without the gurgle has me peeved.
01:50Nancy, what were they supposed to do? They didn't have any hot water.
01:53Well, I never had any hot water, and I turned out just fine.
01:57You died of cholera.
01:58Very likely tied to the fact that you didn't have access to running water.
02:01Oh, whatever.
02:02More gotcha journalism from the upstairs elite.
02:06I'm out of here.
02:07How are we elite?
02:09I mean, I did have a members only jacket.
02:11Well, Jay, the good news is just about everything we put up for sale online sold.
02:16You got $45 for the Boba Fett.
02:18All I ask is that before you ship it, I get a chance to say goodbye.
02:21At what moment in history did it become acceptable for adult men to have toys?
02:25I'm genuinely curious.
02:26What's going on here?
02:28Samantha and Jay are selling whatever measly possessions they can in a futile attempt to
02:33repay the government.
02:34Oh, the Woodstones.
02:36Once we owned factories, and now we peddled space toys.
02:39Huh.
02:40I got a missed call from Brett.
02:42The Brettonator?
02:43You're still in touch with Trevor's old boss?
02:45Yeah, he thought the whole Michael Jackson double life thing was baller.
02:48And he's a sneakerhead, so I reached out to him about buying my collection.
02:52Shoes?
02:53We're selling our shoes.
02:54I'm gonna try them back.
02:58What's up?
03:01Hey, Brett, I saw that you called, which I assume means you were interested in those sneakers.
03:05Uh, no.
03:06I actually found that very weird and sad that you sent me that.
03:09I did not like that.
03:10Oh, okay.
03:11Well, look, I get it.
03:12You tried to double dip, you paid the price.
03:14The good news is, you need cash, and I have an opportunity for you.
03:18Now, it's not exactly legal, but I can't imagine that's too much of a deal breaker for
03:22a bad boy like yourself.
03:24He has a way for us to get some money, but it's not exactly legal.
03:28Oh, no.
03:29He's gonna ask to use Jay like a sushi tray.
03:31Hmm.
03:32I doubt it.
03:33But if it would save my house, I say take off those clothes and fill that belly button
03:37with soy sauce.
03:38What exactly does he have in mind?
03:41Hello?
03:42Are you there?
03:43What do you say?
03:44Yeah.
03:45I'm listening.
03:48Okay.
03:49Right.
03:50Here.
03:52This is where they want it?
03:53That's what Sam texted me.
03:54But why do they want a chair just all by itself in the middle of this creepy basement?
03:58I don't know.
03:59They said it's supposed to be some sort of a zen space.
04:01Yeah, I guess it's sort of peaceful.
04:06What's all this?
04:07Well, as you know, Sam and Jay have been frantically selling all of their possessions,
04:11but they were unable to find a buyer for this recliner.
04:13So we said, why not give it to the basement ghosts?
04:16We know nothing will replace your old water heater and its beloved intermittent gurgle.
04:21But maybe in the meantime, this chair will provide some small measure of comfort.
04:27Oh, boy.
04:28They may not know what a chair is.
04:29Uh, you guys know about the concept of sitting, right?
04:34We know what chairs are.
04:36Yeah.
04:36A guy in my village had one.
04:38We're just not really chair type of people.
04:40Well, why not just give it a shot, you know? Maybe you'll like it.
04:44I suppose it couldn't hurt to try it just this once.
04:52Oh.
04:53So how is it?
04:54It's the greatest pleasure I've ever known.
04:58Oh.
05:00Better than that one time when you ate a berry?
05:03Better than the berry.
05:05Oh!
05:09All right, well, let me just talk it over with Sam and I'll get back to you.
05:12Okay.
05:13Thanks, Brett.
05:15Innater.
05:16Well?
05:16Okay, so basically, Brett is a regular in an underground high-stakes poker game.
05:21Underground?
05:22I wonder if patience is in it.
05:24I know about this game.
05:25Brett used to always invite me, but I could never go because of obvious can't-leave-the-property reasons.
05:30So what does he want from you?
05:32He wants us to host the game.
05:34The last venue got busted and they're looking to move it somewhere with less heat.
05:38Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
05:39Well, he did say we get a sizable hosting fee, like 10 grand.
05:42Jay, that won't even make a dent in what we owe.
05:45You're thinking too small, Sam.
05:46The real money is what you're gonna win at that poker game.
05:49They are not good at card games, lest we forget the Go Fish paper cut incident.
05:53Do I need to spell this out for y'all?
05:55You got ghosts.
05:56We can help you cheat.
05:58Now, Trevor, this game has some high rollers, right?
06:00Oh, yeah.
06:01Loaded with whales.
06:02Not that kind of whale.
06:04With us ghosts telling you what cards everyone has, you literally can't lose.
06:08Oh, I don't know.
06:09That seems unethical.
06:10Hmm?
06:11The ghosts are saying we could use them to cheat at poker.
06:13Really?
06:14But where will the players sit?
06:16In giant tanks of water?
06:18How do they hold the cards in their flippers?
06:20Hmm.
06:20She's back to the wrong kind of whale.
06:22Okay.
06:23On the one hand, it does sound dangerous.
06:25But then, on the other hand, if we don't get the cash to pay for the fines and the back
06:29taxes, I could go to jail, which also sounds dangerous.
06:33So what are you saying?
06:34I'm saying shuffle up and deal.
06:37Let's host an illegal poker game.
06:39Yes!
06:40You will not regret this.
06:41I mean, you might, but whatever.
06:43I'm excited.
06:46Eight and nine and ten.
06:50Time's up, Nigel.
06:52Just a little longer.
06:54Hey, I counted up to ten several times, which I know how to do because of my full year of
06:59schooling.
07:00You heard the lady.
07:02It's time to give someone else a turn.
07:04Like me, perhaps?
07:05You already had a turn, creepy Dirk.
07:08Exactly.
07:09The rest of you don't even know what you're missing.
07:11So it's far more tragic when I'm not in the chair.
07:15How's it going, basement buddies?
07:16We need more chairs.
07:18Sounds like our gift was a big hit.
07:20Oh, stop patting yourselves on the ass and start rounding up some chairs.
07:24They got a ton of furniture up there.
07:26We'll take ten chairs and another ten chairs.
07:30You want twenty chairs?
07:32No one knows what that means, Pete.
07:34Just get us some damn chairs.
07:36We're sick of taking turns.
07:38We need help.
07:39Okay, okay.
07:40We'll go upstairs and see what we can do.
07:41I'll go with just to make sure you little hiney holes don't screw it up.
07:47Doesn't eleven come after ten?
07:50Shut your pie hole, Copernicus.
07:53This is the guy I was telling you about.
07:55Top notch chef by night, financial analyst using an assumed name by day.
08:00How baller is that?
08:01Well, you know I love analyzing stocks and having people not know it was me.
08:07Love that Brett still thinks that Jay slash me is a baller,
08:11especially after all that's gone down.
08:12That's a true friend.
08:14So, how exactly does this work?
08:16I mean, I've seen Molly's game.
08:18Are you like the Molly?
08:19This is just the casual gathering among friends.
08:22Now, if you'll both grab a wall, I'll need to pat you down for wires.
08:27So, these are the high rollers.
08:30Oh, this is exciting.
08:31Run me through the roster.
08:32It's everyone you'd want in an illicit high stakes poker game.
08:35There's Boris, the intimidating Russian.
08:38Irene, the Miami snowbird with a dark past.
08:41And who's that guy?
08:43He looks like a child.
08:44Is that young Sheldon?
08:46Yeah, that's the actor who played him.
08:48Ian Armitage.
08:50What's up?
08:51I'm Ian.
08:52Oh, yes.
08:53You're a child actor.
08:54I was a child actor.
08:56I'm sort of going through a rebrand right now.
08:57I just got cast in a pretty gritty poker movie.
09:00So, I'm here to do research.
09:02Okay.
09:03My agent's comparing it to when Elizabeth Berkley did Showgirls,
09:06because it's edgy.
09:07I'm edgy now.
09:08Hey, Ian.
09:10Here's your apple juice.
09:11You know what?
09:12No.
09:12Apple juice is what I used to drink.
09:14I'll take a Pepsi.
09:16Straight up.
09:17You got it.
09:20Hey, just wanted to talk to you guys.
09:22Make sure we all know the plan.
09:24She's doing that thing where she talks on the phone,
09:26but she's really talking to us.
09:27Oh, that's a good bet.
09:28We haven't done that in a while.
09:29So, we know what we're doing.
09:30We all set?
09:31Sure are.
09:32I've assigned each Coastal player whose cards they will watch.
09:34Everyone knows their man and is ready to go.
09:36Wait, I didn't get assigned anyone.
09:40Well, there aren't any left.
09:42But there's five of us and five players aside from Sam.
09:45Yeah, but I'm taking two players, so you get it.
09:49Right?
09:49But why would you take two?
09:51God, she is lucid at the most annoying times.
09:53Sam, do you not want me to help?
09:55Do you not think I'm smart enough?
09:57I just didn't want you to have to worry about anything.
09:59I wanted you to enjoy yourself at the party.
10:01It's nothing against you, Flower.
10:03There's just way too much riding on this.
10:05I see.
10:08That was difficult, but it needed to be done.
10:12Hey, guys.
10:13Ooh, it was a poker thing.
10:14Can I help?
10:16Ah, now we have to do it again.
10:19It's crazy.
10:20It's like I'm standing, but with my butt instead of my feet.
10:25That's just sitting.
10:26You're describing sitting.
10:28Okay, guys.
10:29I've got bad news.
10:31It's a big no on the new chairs.
10:34Apparently they offloaded a lot of extra furniture at that Halloween yard sale a couple years ago.
10:38And they don't want to part with any of the stuff they're currently using.
10:43Let's give them all cholera.
10:45Okay.
10:46We can't always jump right to giving everyone cholera.
10:49Plus they're doing this poker cheating thing to try to save the house, so we don't want to do anything
10:54that would threaten our continued access to the living butler.
10:58Yeah, it's kind of like cutting off your nose to spite your face.
11:02Hey.
11:03Sorry, noseless Brad.
11:04It's just an expression.
11:06So what are we going to do?
11:07Oh, this is bull crap.
11:09Why do we all have to share a chair?
11:11I'm with you guys.
11:12No more turns.
11:14It's time for the law of the jungle.
11:18What does that mean?
11:19It means might makes right.
11:22And that chair is mine.
11:26Come on!
11:26No!
11:27I'm not moving!
11:29I'm taking it!
11:30You wish!
11:32Stop!
11:33Help!
11:38Hi, Ian.
11:39Do you mind if I get a quick pic?
11:40My mom is a huge fan.
11:42Sort of playing poker here, man.
11:43Okay.
11:46Sir, get your butt away from the table.
11:48Sorry.
11:50Check.
11:51She got two pair.
11:52Sam, you got her beat.
11:54Hm.
11:55I got a thousand.
11:58I call.
12:00Let's see what you got.
12:02Three pretty ladies.
12:04Oh, you get a vote.
12:05Sorry, Irene.
12:07Yes.
12:09Hey, check it out.
12:11I wear cologne now.
12:12I got it at Nordstrom.
12:13Adult men's section.
12:14Okay, Sam.
12:15It's just you and Boris left in this hand.
12:17This would be a big opportunity for you to clean him out.
12:19Isaac, what does Boris have?
12:22He looked too quickly before.
12:23I wasn't able to catch it.
12:24But he always checks again after the river.
12:26I know the lingo.
12:28Okay.
12:29Well, here's the river.
12:30What's he got, Isaac?
12:34Oh.
12:35Oh, no.
12:36Are you kidding me?
12:37Did you miss it?
12:38It was a chemical attack.
12:41It was a chemical attack.
12:41How many lives must your sneezes ruin?
12:44I saw it.
12:45I saw his cards.
12:45He has a seven and a three.
12:47Okay.
12:47If that's true, Sam, you've got it beat.
12:49If you go all in, you could end this now.
12:52What song will be saved?
12:53It's a lot riding on flower.
12:55We're all thinking it.
12:56I just said it out loud.
12:57Sam, you have to trust me.
12:59I know you guys don't think I can do this, but I am 100% positive I saw those cards.
13:05Sam, action's to you.
13:07Sam, you have to believe me.
13:13I'm all in.
13:15Boris called.
13:21Three kings.
13:23Nice hand.
13:24Unfortunately, not nice enough.
13:28I have three aces.
13:30A flower.
13:32No.
13:32No, no, no, no, no.
13:33I swear.
13:34I know what I saw.
13:35I...
13:36I know what I saw.
13:41Trusted flower?
13:43What were you thinking?
13:44Jay, flower's in here.
13:46Good.
13:46Hey, flower, I know you got a lot of great qualities.
13:48I mean, I assume.
13:49You seemed nice that one minute I met you and Pete dislodged my soul from my body that one Christmas.
13:54Oh, that was fun.
13:55But you're not exactly known for your lucidity, and I don't think that that is a controversial statement.
14:01Michelle just made an announcement that the game is going to resume in two minutes.
14:04I think that was for the players who haven't been completely knocked out, but I thought I'd pass it along.
14:08Sam, you have to believe me. I know what I saw.
14:12Boris must be cheating.
14:13What do you mean?
14:14Well, he must have had those two aces hidden somewhere and then switched them out at the last second.
14:17Now that you mention it, he was fiddling around down there. I thought it was just your standard rearrange, but
14:22perhaps there is something nefarious to it.
14:24Flower thinks that Boris somehow switched out the cards.
14:27Okay, okay, sure. Or maybe, hear me out, the permanently high ghost that thinks the wallpaper is moving is mistaken.
14:35Look, I know what I know. He had a three and a seven. And really, no one else ever sees
14:41the wallpaper moving? You guys are missing out.
14:44Also, Isaac saw Boris fiddling around in his pants.
14:47Oh, okay then. There's a very simple solution to this problem that doesn't involve us confronting a Russian gangster based
14:55solely on the word of a dead hippie.
14:56So what does it involve?
14:58They think he's hiding cards in his nether region? Make one of the ghosts go crotch-diving to confirm.
15:03Oh, hell no.
15:04I shouldn't be going near anyone's nether regions.
15:07I mean, Trevor, this is kind of all your fault. You should probably do it.
15:10Oh, no.
15:11I think he was mainly scratching his left inner thigh. But, fog of war. Who knows?
15:16Be thorough, Trev. We need this.
15:20Fine. I'm going in. Another hero move. For the ages.
15:24Wish me luck.
15:28Trevor's doing it. We'll know momentarily.
15:32Oh, my God. It's awful. I hate it.
15:34Do you see the cards?
15:36The cards are strapped to his inner left thigh with a garter.
15:40Flower was right, Jay.
15:41What?
15:43It ruined garters for me.
15:45Oh, this is a dark day.
15:49Oh, no. What is this?
15:50Hey, stop it.
15:52Guys, what is going on?
15:54We'll tell you what's going on.
15:55Your stupid chair tore us apart.
15:58Why have you brought this cursed technology to us?
16:01We were just trying to help.
16:03This is our fault.
16:04We violated the prime directive.
16:07What are you talking about?
16:08Star Trek.
16:09It was this TV show.
16:10Basically, they had this rule that you're not supposed to interfere when you encounter another civilization.
16:15And here we are shoving our sitting ways down the throats of a beautiful standing culture.
16:20Pete's right.
16:21We shouldn't have interfered.
16:23We're sorry.
16:26As much as I love blaming anyone who wears shoes, I don't think this is all your fault.
16:32The truth is, I think we're all a little raw from the loss of the water heater.
16:37But we have to accept that she's never coming back.
16:42And life is never going to be the same.
16:48What's that sound?
16:49What sound?
16:50There was like a series of clicks.
16:53I think it came from the new water heater.
16:55Oh, whoa.
16:57There's kind of like a low hum.
17:00You hear that?
17:01Yeah, I hear it.
17:02That's very interesting.
17:04Whoa, more clicks.
17:06They're intermittent.
17:07We got an intermittent sound, folks.
17:11This thing is spinning gold over here.
17:15There you go.
17:16Thank you for playing.
17:18What's this?
17:20Boris is cashing out.
17:21Still on Moscow time.
17:22Little tired.
17:23Oh, not so fast, Drago.
17:25Rocky IV.
17:26Great reference.
17:27We have reason to believe Boris cheated on the last hand.
17:31Excuse me?
17:32This is a pretty serious accusation.
17:34Do you have any proof?
17:35Yes.
17:36But it is tough to say that a ghost was face deep in Boris's crotch.
17:40I saw Boris switch out his cards for two aces that he had hidden in his pants, which means that
17:45the original cards are still in there.
17:47So we need him to drop trowel.
17:50Oh, poker and a show.
17:52Sam, stall him.
17:54I'm going back in.
17:56Listen, Boris.
17:57You're not going anywhere until we get to the bottom of this.
18:00Okay, I did not want things to get violent in front of the kid.
18:04I'm fine.
18:05I recently watched John Wick, which is rated R, because I can do that now.
18:08For the last time, Boris did not cheat.
18:11And he does not have hidden cards anywhere on his body.
18:16Well, would you look at that.
18:18Aha!
18:19The cards.
18:20I told you.
18:21Well done, Trevor.
18:22You and that big Russian had quite a night together.
18:25Boris, you were banned from my game, and that money belongs to Sam.
18:30Okay.
18:32Yes!
18:33Woodstone is saved!
18:36Hello?
18:37What's going on here?
18:38Oh, why are you here?
18:40Well, your husband posted a selfie of Mr. Armitage, and we're huge fans, and we were hoping to meet him.
18:45Jay!
18:46Yeah, but now that we're here, it's kind of obvious from the chips and the literal duffel bag of cash
18:51you're holding that this is an illegal high-stakes poker game.
18:54Oh, it's Miami Beach all over again.
18:57Hey, if I were to testify against the others, do I get to go free, or...?
19:01What? No, please, I'm just a kid.
19:03No, he's just a kid. That's convenient.
19:05He's 17. In my day, he'd be a battle-hardened father of six.
19:09No one's going to jail. That's not how this works.
19:12That said, uh, we aren't going to have to confiscate the money.
19:15No!
19:19Okay, I think it's back to my original plan.
19:20I'm not selling feet pics.
19:22Mm.
19:23Shame.
19:29You just had to post that Ian Armitage pic right away, didn't you?
19:33Okay, in retrospect, not a great call, but then again, I did get almost 50 likes.
19:39Uh, in what world is 37 almost 50?
19:41Plus, it was getting late, and a lot of my followers are New York-based.
19:44I gotta get in right at that 8 p.m. hour.
19:46They just got home from work, but they haven't gone out yet.
19:49Hey, guys.
19:50Maybe pick up some early London scrollers.
19:52By the way, it's called Instagram, as in instant.
19:55People don't honor that enough.
19:56Flower, I think we owe you an apology.
19:59Yeah, we're sorry we doubted you.
20:00It's okay. I'm just glad everything worked out in the end.
20:04Yeah, but it didn't work out at all.
20:05The money got taken, they're back to square one, and they're still in debt with the IRS.
20:09Well, at least we all still get to live together.
20:12Flower, they may have to sell the house.
20:14Oh.
20:14Well, two more likes.
20:15See, this thing's going viral.
20:17We're not selling the house, Flower.
20:18We'll think of something.
20:20Does Jay sell some feet pics?
20:23Well, they're not bad.
20:24Not bad at all.
20:24I mean, they're not house savers, but they might take you out to the movies.
20:31It's election day on an all-new Ghosts.
20:33Will it be Isaac?
20:34My fellow Ghost-Americans.
20:35Or will it be Flower?
20:37I just have one question.
20:39What is this for?
20:41Ghosts is all new.
20:42CBS next Thursday and streaming on Paramount Plus.
20:46Matlock's new.
20:47You in?
20:47Oh, you know it.
20:48CBS next.
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