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00:01Gemma, I think you're good. I would just go straight out of that.
00:04No, I'm gonna hit it. Dave, I'm gonna hit it.
00:05You're not gonna hit it.
00:05I'm gonna hit it.
00:06Did this jerk park you in again?
00:09When I find out who he is, he is gonna be sorry.
00:11Oh, yes, he is. You know, this is called for an ass-whooping.
00:15Now, now, we don't know what he's going through.
00:17Maybe there's an emergency. Maybe his wife is giving birth.
00:20There, Dave. In your yard.
00:23And he parked here yesterday, too.
00:26It's fine. I left a terse note on his windshield.
00:30I can't understand why you are not furious.
00:33Because if I left him a note, it would say sorry for smashing out all your windows.
00:39Calvin, can you help me get out of here?
00:41Excuse me. I'm right here.
00:43No, you know what? You probably need to straighten it out just a little bit first.
00:47And then, and then cut it. No, no, no. Cut it to your left.
00:50Cut it which way?
00:51To your left, Gemma.
00:52I would cut it to your right.
00:53No, do not cut it to your right.
00:54Don't listen to me.
00:56Welcome to the block. Welcome to the neighborhood.
00:58Welcome to the neighborhood.
01:04Hey, Dad.
01:05Do you know where my birth certificate is?
01:07Oh, sure.
01:08Look in the glove box.
01:09Thanks.
01:10Oh, no, it's not.
01:13Marty, I haven't seen your birth certificate since your mother signed my name on it.
01:19That tracks, but Courtney and I needed to get our marriage license.
01:23Aw, don't worry, Marty. Of course I've got it, but I'm gonna need it back.
01:27Why?
01:28Cause you'll lose it.
01:31Mama, I'm about to be a whole husband. Okay.
01:35You know what, Marty, you're right. After the wedding, I'll give it to your wife.
01:41Come on, babe. That's ridiculous.
01:43Is it?
01:44Okay.
01:45Well, Calvin, where's your birth certificate?
01:48I don't know. You have it?
01:50Oh.
01:51See what I'm saying?
01:54I know I don't save this enough.
01:57But I love you.
01:58Okay, okay.
02:00David, you say it all the time.
02:03Gemma.
02:04Oh, Dave, are you okay?
02:05Yes.
02:06I'm alive.
02:07Oh, Calvin.
02:08No, no, no, no, no, no.
02:11What the hell is going on?
02:13I was running down Marengo, working on my six-minute mile,
02:16when out of nowhere, one of those food delivery robots came careening down the sidewalk.
02:22Totally out of control.
02:24I had to leap out of the way and almost stumbled into traffic.
02:27But you're okay.
02:28Well, yes, thanks to my cat-like reflexes.
02:32Oh, my God, and now I smell like you.
02:37I'm sorry.
02:37But as I lay there, looking into the light, looking into the light, I realized I almost made you a
02:47widow.
02:48Grover, half an orphan.
02:51Is that the robot?
02:55Your cop?
02:55Your cop?
02:56It's coming back to finish me off.
03:01I'm so sorry.
03:03Really?
03:03I'm sorry.
03:04I'm sorry.
03:05I'm sorry, Dave, okay?
03:07I had a hankering for chile quiles.
03:10Where is my churro?
03:15162.
03:16Age?
03:1743.
03:19Height?
03:196'1".
03:25Six foot.
03:285'11", final offer.
03:32Sir, this is not for a dating app. I just work for the insurance company.
03:37Dave, I know yesterday was traumatic, but we already have life insurance.
03:42But you can never have enough.
03:43Look, you don't realize how fragile life is until you're almost killed by a Decepticon.
03:47It was a rolling cooler full of tacos.
03:53Regardless, I just want to make sure that, God forbid, something happened to me that you and Grover are taken
03:58care of.
03:58Dave, stop. I hate thinking about life without you.
04:01You have to be prepared.
04:03And just promise me that you won't mourn forever.
04:06Join a widow's grief support group.
04:08You know, move on.
04:09Enjoy life.
04:11You know, maybe...
04:12even meet someone.
04:14Oh, God.
04:16I can't imagine that.
04:18I wouldn't even be able to think about dating for a year or two.
04:24A year?
04:25Or two.
04:29Or five.
04:31No, no, no. You know what?
04:32I'm sorry.
04:33It's what I want for you.
04:35You know, maybe you and your widow friends plan a vacation.
04:37Go to, say, Greece.
04:39Hit up the clubs in Mykonos.
04:41You meet a DJ named Stavros.
04:43He doesn't speak much English, but God knows he doesn't have to.
04:46Not with that jawline.
04:50So you're telling me we've had this stuff under our bed for 30 years?
04:55Just keep looking.
04:56The birth certificates are in one of these.
04:58Come on, Tina.
04:59Really?
05:00Macaroni Arts.
05:01Oh, let's see.
05:02A kindergarten graduation cap.
05:04Oh, look at this.
05:06You know, you got a whole box of hand turkeys.
05:10That's what you're gonna throw away my beauty of the weeks.
05:13My Jane Kennedy.
05:26Oh, okay.
05:27Um, here we go.
05:28These are report cards.
05:30Ah!
05:31Here go the birth certificates right here.
05:33There we go.
05:35What's this, darling?
05:39What are these?
05:42Oh, that's their baby teeth.
05:45What?
05:48And you kept them?
05:49Why?
05:50I just like to look at them sometimes.
05:53What?
05:54Just put them back in the envelope, Calvin.
05:57No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
05:58Tina, you know what?
05:59Enough is enough.
06:01All right, they're grown men.
06:02Let's just get rid of all this stuff.
06:04No, I can't throw that baby teeth away.
06:07You know what?
06:08I'll just put them under the bed.
06:09No, you won't.
06:11I ain't sleeping on no damn teeth.
06:16Sorry about the urine sample.
06:18You sure it's enough?
06:20It's fine.
06:22It's so weird.
06:23You know, at the movies, I have to go, like, five times.
06:26Gemma, tell her at the movies how many times...
06:27Tate, she said it's fine.
06:32Blood pressure 155 over 90.
06:35What?
06:35That's high, right?
06:37Yeah, that's pretty high.
06:38Hold on.
06:39This makes no sense.
06:40It's impossible.
06:40Hold on.
06:44I mean, I'm in good shape.
06:46I mean, sure, I can't always make urine on demand, but...
06:52Dave, calm down.
06:53We'll figure it out.
06:54No, look, I don't smoke.
06:56I never use drugs.
06:57I mean, there was that one 4th of July that I did snort pop rocks, but that's it.
07:06Oh, hey, Calvin.
07:07Dave, I see that guy has your driveway blocked in again.
07:11Can't believe your little note didn't scare him straight.
07:15It might be my fault.
07:16You know, he's probably a young guy.
07:17I don't think they read cursive.
07:21You know, and he moved your garbage cans to make room for himself.
07:24You know, you never touch another man's cans.
07:30It's not worth getting upset about.
07:33Oh, gosh darn it.
07:35What's that?
07:37It's my wearable blood pressure monitor.
07:39I'm trying to lower my blood pressure.
07:40I'm gonna pay through the nose for life insurance.
07:44I'm doing everything I can.
07:46I eat right, exercise, I sleep well, I take two naps a day.
07:51You know, maybe I eat too much can.
07:56I don't know what to tell you, Dave.
07:58My blood pressure is always normal.
08:00So jealous.
08:01I mean, you can't compare yourself to me.
08:03I grew up in the 70s.
08:05Grew up tough.
08:07No helmets, no seat belts, no allergies.
08:11Pretty sure people in the 70s had allergies.
08:15I didn't know any of them.
08:19Calvin said I should get rid of this stuff, but it's really hard.
08:23I've been there.
08:24It almost killed me last year when I finally got rid of Grover's light-up potty.
08:31He's 14.
08:32You have a bag of Malcolm's hair.
08:35It was so curly.
08:39But once you do it, you'll feel so good about yourself.
08:42Trust me.
08:43Like, what is this?
08:45Oh, Malcolm made this for me for Mother's Day.
08:48But what is it?
08:49It's a...
08:51It's a paperweight.
08:53There's two of them.
08:54Then they're bookings, Gemma.
08:58Hey, Mama.
08:59Oh, good.
09:00My babies are here.
09:01Okay.
09:02I've got your birth certificates, your social security cards, and your passports.
09:06Oh, thank you, Ma.
09:07Also, all of this is all yours now.
09:11Oh.
09:11Oh, okay.
09:13Uh, what's that?
09:14Finger paintings?
09:15Uh-huh.
09:15Yeah, we don't need any of that stuff.
09:17You just toss it.
09:18So you want me to die?
09:23This is your childhood.
09:26What? No, come on, Mama.
09:27A placemat from Gravy Jacks is not our childhood.
09:31Look, you did the maze.
09:32Oh.
09:34Tina, honey, that is garbage.
09:36Oh, my God.
09:37There's, like, ten of them.
09:40Oh, man, remember these?
09:42What?
09:42Mochigarn cards.
09:43We used to get so excited about these.
09:45Yeah, and now you're excited to throw them out.
09:48Oh.
09:49They have vampirax, were-turtle, pterodactylclops?
09:52Yeah.
09:53That's the one I got sent to detention for because I was showing my friends in social studies.
09:57Ah, in your defense, it was incredibly rare.
09:59Well, I couldn't believe I had one.
10:00Oh, wow, Marty, that's so cool.
10:02A one-eyed dino bird card that proves you're a virgin.
10:11Dave, the point of our team meetings isn't to socialize.
10:14Okay, but all I did was ask that Brian guy how his weekend was.
10:19That's an invasion of privacy.
10:20It's giving ick.
10:23I-I-I'm sorry, ick?
10:24W-w-what is ick and how can it be given?
10:28Now you're crossing in a cringe.
10:32Hey, Dave.
10:33Oh, check it out.
10:34Uh, Calvin, I'm in a meeting.
10:36With who?
10:37One of Grover's friends?
10:40It's my boss.
10:42Please, uh, one second, Josh.
10:44What is so important?
10:45Oh, I just wanted to give you this.
10:48What did you do?
10:50You know the guy that's been blocking your driveway?
10:52I sent him a message.
10:56Now, I couldn't get the bumper all the way off, but it's hanging.
10:59Calvin, you cannot just, you know, hold on.
11:02Josh, hey, uh, I'm so sorry.
11:04But I get it.
11:05No more niceties.
11:07I'm gonna bottom line it.
11:08If you could speak a lot less, that would be awesome.
11:18Uh...
11:20Josh, what I don't think you understand is...
11:23Dave.
11:24Dude, remember what we talked about.
11:26Lose the ick.
11:27Lose the cringe.
11:29Josh, out.
11:36What just happened, man?
11:39Look, Calvin, it's just the way my boss is, okay?
11:42It's...
11:43It's not a big deal.
11:44It is a big deal.
11:46You can't let Nickelodeon talk to you that way.
11:52That's why your blood pressure is high.
11:54You're holding in your rage.
11:57I have nothing to rage about, Calvin.
12:03See?
12:04It's that.
12:05That thing right there that you do with your neck.
12:07What thing I do with my neck?
12:08This thing that you do like a hungry baby bird.
12:15You do it every time you say you're not angry when I know damn well that you are.
12:21Calvin, what do I have to be angry about?
12:24What don't you have to be angry about?
12:26You lost your job.
12:28You're working for Boss Baby.
12:31You got your ass whooped by a taco bot.
12:35Calvin, it's not that bad.
12:37David, your life sucks right now.
12:40Man, come on.
12:41Your life is trash.
12:42And if you don't let that anger out,
12:45people gonna start dancing to that beat all the way to funky town.
12:57Mama?
12:57Jim, you're not even looking.
13:00Tina, you're gonna feel so good when this is gone.
13:03Aw.
13:05Malcolm.
13:07Come look at this.
13:08This pterodecticlops is a first edition platinum diamond refractor card.
13:13So?
13:14So, it's worth $5,000.
13:17What, you kidding me?
13:19For a piece of cardboard?
13:20A very rare piece of cardboard.
13:23Okay?
13:23It looks like it's my lucky day.
13:28Yours?
13:29I bought that card.
13:31Yeah.
13:33You may have bought the card, dear brother.
13:36But if you remember,
13:37when you started to care about things like girls and sports,
13:39you gave all your cards to me.
13:45I believe I said that you could play with them,
13:47not that you could have them, dear brother.
13:50Uh.
13:51Uh.
13:51Uh.
13:52Uh.
13:53So you do admit that you gave them to me.
13:59Yes.
14:00But you never claimed dibs.
14:03Dibs were implied.
14:08The only thing you get dibs on is being a dork.
14:12Hey!
14:12Hey!
14:13Hey!
14:14I cannot believe you guys are arguing over some little stupid monster card.
14:17Uh.
14:18My stupid monster card.
14:20And may I remind you, brother,
14:21you ain't bigger than me no more.
14:23Oh.
14:27Hold this, my...
14:28No.
14:28Hold this.
14:30Seriously?
14:31Hold this.
14:32Hold this.
14:34Hold this.
14:35Hold this.
14:36Hold this.
14:37Hold this.
14:38No!
14:39No!
14:44So just smashing stuff is supposed to make me feel better?
14:47Oh.
14:48Trust me.
14:48David, you're gonna love it.
14:50You know, Tina brought me here like eight years ago
14:52when I was going through some stuff.
14:54Eight years ago?
14:55That's when we moved in next door.
14:58Hmm.
14:59Coincidence.
15:02All right.
15:03Go ahead.
15:03Come on.
15:04Start smashing some stuff.
15:06Come on, Calvin.
15:07I mean, I can't hit this printer.
15:08It's in perfectly good condition.
15:10Oh, really?
15:15Now it's not.
15:17Come on, Dave.
15:19You remember how pissed off you were
15:20when your little boy boss told you to shut up?
15:24Yeah.
15:25Yeah.
15:25I mean, I love to talk.
15:27Yes, you do.
15:29Now, imagine.
15:31You're in a meeting.
15:32And you just heard shut up from that little snot
15:38who's not even old enough to rent a car.
15:40How would that make you feel?
15:42It would make me feel mad.
15:43Get him.
15:46Yeah.
15:47Go.
15:48Why don't you shut up, Josh?
15:52You tell him, Dave.
15:54Yeah, yeah.
15:55Meeting is over.
15:57Oh, yeah!
15:59Now, you can't tell me that didn't make you feel good.
16:03Yeah, I won't tell you.
16:05Because it felt amazing.
16:08Okay.
16:09Now, you see that windshield?
16:10Now, imagine that belongs to the car that blocks your driveway.
16:15Yeah.
16:15And it's street cleaning day.
16:17Break yourself, fool!
16:19Oh!
16:20Yeah!
16:21Yeah!
16:23That's real tough.
16:24Now, what are you looking at, Stavros?
16:30Okay, uh, who the hell is Stavros?
16:32Yeah.
16:33This really handsome Greek guy
16:35who's trying to steal my wife.
16:37This is Sparta!
16:41That is the spirit there, Dave, right there.
16:43And this?
16:45Ah!
16:46This is for the people that stand up in the back of the plane once we land.
16:50You're in 33C!
16:51Sit down!
16:52You ain't going nowhere!
16:59I can't believe I had to separate you two!
17:02No kidding!
17:03You're a novelist, you're a physicist, and you're still giving each other wedgies?
17:07When we started, you stole my card.
17:10Hey!
17:10Hey!
17:10Hey!
17:11I thought I said stop.
17:14Stop!
17:15Stop!
17:15Stop punching me!
17:17Stop!
17:18Stop!
17:18Stop!
17:22I kept all this stuff to remind me of when y'all were little kids,
17:25but now I'm remembering when y'all were little, y'all were a pain in my ass.
17:29Talking about you!
17:31Talking about you!
17:31Talking about you!
17:32Talking about you!
17:33Talking about you!
17:33Talking about you!
17:33Talking about the both of you!
17:36You know what?
17:37I don't miss any of this.
17:39And you won't miss any of this.
17:41You know what?
17:42You're right, Gemma.
17:43Everything's gotta go.
17:44Oh!
17:44Finally!
17:45But not the baby teeth.
17:46I want to make a necklace.
17:51Please tell me you're joking.
17:53Yeah, I was joking.
17:54Okay.
17:57Hey, hey, everybody.
17:59Thank you, buddy.
18:00Great news.
18:01Calvin and I were just smashing.
18:04What?
18:05What?
18:06David!
18:07There's gotta be a better one.
18:08You want to try that again?
18:10Okay.
18:13Calvin got us a private room.
18:15All right.
18:15I don't have time for that.
18:18I'll tell the story.
18:19I took Dave to a rage room to get his anger out.
18:23And the best part is, is my blood pressure has never been lower.
18:27My insurance is gonna be cheaper and I'm not gonna die.
18:31That's great, honey.
18:32Yeah, and you tell Stavros to find another widow.
18:38Hey, I remember these.
18:40Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
18:40Daddy, daddy, daddy.
18:41Uh, please be very careful with that.
18:44It's worth $5,000.
18:46Yeah.
18:47For a piece of cardboard?
18:48Yes.
18:49They've been fighting over it for the last half hour.
18:52Well, only because he gave it to me.
18:54Because I bought the card.
18:55But why can you not understand the concept of dibs?
18:58Shut up!
19:00Hold on.
19:00Is this this stupid dinosaur card that y'all used to fight over as little boys?
19:04Uh, it's not stupid.
19:06But yes, that is the one.
19:08Yeah.
19:09Yeah.
19:09And I remember this.
19:11Yeah.
19:11You knocked over and completely destroyed a full bottle of Johnny Walker Blue.
19:18I mean, that does sound vaguely familiar.
19:22You know what?
19:23I confiscated it then, and I'm reconfiscating it now.
19:27Oh, come on.
19:28No, no.
19:29You know what?
19:30I'm gonna use the money to pay for your rehearsal dinners.
19:33And to replace my bottle of Johnny Walker Blue.
19:38Are you happy, Marty?
19:39Me?
19:40This is 100% your fault.
19:42That was that my fault.
19:42You could've just gave me the card.
19:43Hey, guys.
19:44Guys.
19:45You didn't even have the card yesterday.
19:47Gained some perspective on the moment.
19:49Shut up, Dave.
19:51No, you don't tell that, Johnny Walker.
19:52No, you don't tell him, Johnny Walker.
19:53No, no, no, no, no, no.
20:00This is for the lady at the liquor store who says she didn't need to see my ID.
20:04Yeah.
20:08Hey, well, this is for the guy who gets on the elevator and pushes the button like you
20:13weren't smart enough to push it already.
20:19This is for the guy that knows you're waiting on the parking space but decides to check his
20:24text message.
20:25Whoa, whoa, whoa.
20:26You see that?
20:27You see that?
20:29You see that?
20:30And this is for the rise of Skywalker.
20:37Marty, what?
20:38Well, it was a very bad movie in an otherwise excellent franchise.
20:42Let's go!
20:43Oh, my God!
20:43Oh, my God!
20:44Oh, my God!
20:46Oh, my God!
20:46Oh, my God!
20:46You're done!
20:47Oh, my God!
20:47I need this!
20:51Now serving new comedy, DMV.
20:55CBS next.
20:56Well, look who's back on CBS.
20:58Is that young Sheldon?
21:00I was a child actor.
21:01I'm edgy now.
21:02Hey, Ian, here's your apple juice.
21:04I'll take a Pepsi.
21:05Straight up.
21:06Ghost is all new, CBS Thursday, and streaming on Paramount+.
21:13and you hurt my defense.
21:14You say no weight.
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