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01:02Oh, wow.
01:05It's an own goal for Alan Carter.
01:08Oh, I knew it was that bloody sausage.
01:11It was so good, though.
01:15Oh, God.
01:17I knew the sausage machine would be my downfall.
01:20Then my eye looked over to Pat Noodle, and then I was just gone.
01:24OK, so that's seven of you on yellow cards.
01:28So, Sam, you don't have a yellow card.
01:29David, you don't have a yellow card.
01:31Unbelievably, Mel, you don't have a yellow card.
01:34Teetering.
01:36OK, I'm going back in.
01:37I'm restarting the game.
01:38OK.
01:39Doors.
01:41I mean, this is a very, very strong team.
01:46So, it's yellow cards for Alan and Romesh, and all it took was a sausage machine firing out raw meat
01:52at a lady called Pat Noodle.
01:53Simple, really.
01:55OK, let's restart the game.
02:01Well done.
02:02Well done, Alan.
02:03OK.
02:04I loved that game, and the shoe business was excellent.
02:08Thank you, thank you.
02:09We've all bitten down on a shoe when trying to curl one out.
02:13Yep.
02:29Anyone care for a freshened-up buffet?
02:31Thanks, this is an amazing spread.
02:33I even have just had a whole one out, a bit more.
02:36What is the calorific intake on this show?
02:38They've not stopped eating.
02:40It must be nice for them.
02:42There are allowed snacks in there, aren't they?
02:45I don't want any, anyway.
02:46I'm glad when you said to me there's no snacks, I said, I don't even want any.
02:49What are your favourite mates, Alan?
02:53Tongue.
02:54Tongue.
02:55Tongue.
02:55Who's tongue?
02:56Anyone's tongue.
02:57Tongue of cow.
02:59Human tongue.
03:00Human tongue.
03:00Is your favourite mate?
03:02You've got temptation in your mouth at all times.
03:05Bob.
03:05Oh, this is...
03:06The human tongue's got them.
03:08And we've got quite a big tongue, if you don't mind me saying.
03:10Yeah, yeah, it's quite girthy.
03:11I've got a long tongue.
03:12I've got a well-hung tongue.
03:14A well-hung tongue.
03:17Who's got the longest tongue here?
03:19Sam's got a long tongue.
03:21Sam, bless you.
03:21Can we see it?
03:26What the hell?
03:28What?
03:28What?
03:29Do that again, Sam.
03:31What just happened?
03:32What was going on there?
03:33Do that again, Sam, please, slower.
03:35Is that actually your tongue?
03:38Why are you cuffing at half the tongue?
03:40Well, I'm worried.
03:41Is it a trick?
03:42It can't be his tongue, though.
03:42It's a magic trick.
03:43That can't be his tongue.
03:44You can't have a tongue.
03:45Who has a spare tongue?
03:48If there's tongue talk, the tongue comes out.
03:53Drinks orders.
03:54Drinks orders.
03:55I'd have a glass of rosé or a...
03:57I'll have a rosé.
03:58Rosé?
03:58Anyone else for rosé?
03:59Yeah, I think I will.
04:01Three rosés.
04:01Rosé team?
04:03Can I get some scallops?
04:07If you're doing scallops, I'll have some of yours.
04:09Two scallops, yeah.
04:11Thanks, Mel.
04:12Rummers, did you want a something or other?
04:13Rummers?
04:14You wanted a glass of rosé?
04:15Yeah, I'll have a glass of rosé.
04:16So we get a bottle of rosé.
04:17I don't know how to do this, but I'll see what I can do.
04:22Mel.
04:23Oh, hello.
04:24I just wondered if we might be able to possibly have a bottle of rosé.
04:28Yeah, no problem at all.
04:30That's really kind, and a few glasses.
04:33She'll be all right.
04:34You're really kind.
04:35Thank you so much.
04:36No, I'm not, but yeah.
04:37Bye.
04:38Bye.
04:40So you can phone out.
04:42You can phone out.
04:44Thank you, and just this.
04:46My angelic page.
04:47Yeah.
04:47I could jump.
04:48Oh.
04:50Er, Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:53Mel.
04:54Mel.
04:56Absolutely shabba rank.
04:59Yes.
05:01Oh, what's happened here?
05:05What the hell?
05:08We have had a laugh, and no-one else was involved.
05:12They've done this to themselves.
05:14Doors.
05:15Nothing happened here.
05:17Oh, here we go.
05:17What?
05:19What?
05:19Can't be.
05:21We have had a laugh.
05:23What?
05:24And this was, I mean, you talk about own goals.
05:27This is just someone taking themselves out for no good reason.
05:31Let's have a look.
05:38Mel.
05:39Mel.
05:41Mel.
05:41Mel.
05:43Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:45Mel.
05:46Mel.
05:46Mel.
05:47Mel.
05:48Mel.
05:48Mel.
05:49Mel.
05:49You've burped yourself out.
05:52The viewers at home will watch that and go,
05:54that audio, they've done something to that audio.
05:56That's genuinely the noise your body made.
05:59I'm really sorry.
06:01It's all the flumps and everything and the crisps.
06:04Don't blame the flumps.
06:05It's a yellow card.
06:07How basic is it to laugh at your own burp, rookie error?
06:14Some of you are going to be joining myself and Roisin very, very soon.
06:17I'll restart the game.
06:19So Mel's incredible burp brought her down.
06:21A yellow card for her and a suggestion.
06:24Maybe a bottle of gavis gone.
06:29While you were away, someone came in and opened a bag of popcorn
06:32and then ate someone. I told them we weren't allowed it.
06:34So they've gone now.
06:37You've got to have more control over these people.
06:39We've ate on yellow cards.
06:43Let's restart the game.
06:46Oh, here we go. Here we go.
06:52One more strike.
06:53One more strike.
06:56Has anyone got a weird crush?
06:58Weird crush?
06:59Gordon Ramsay.
07:01When he starts shouting, I really like it.
07:03Yeah.
07:04I used to fancy the Jack of Clubs.
07:06You know, in the pack of cards.
07:11Good looking.
07:12Mmm, he was good looking.
07:14If we're going there, Mufasa.
07:18Really?
07:18Mufasa is Saxa.
07:20Yeah.
07:20Officer Dibble.
07:22Hello.
07:23Dibble was hot.
07:24Officer Dibble?
07:25Officer Dibble from Top Cat.
07:26Oh, man.
07:27How can you fancy the po-po?
07:31I've never heard or thought of Officer Dibble as the po-po.
07:37No, but technically, correct.
07:39Yeah.
07:40It's a cro...
07:42Oh.
07:43Hello.
07:43Something is...
07:44Oh, yes.
07:44Something's going to happen.
07:47Judy Finnegan, guys.
07:48It's Judy Finnegan.
07:49Oh, imagine!
07:50That would be amazing.
07:53Hello, everyone.
07:54Now, David and Sam, you don't have yellow cards, so you're going to go head-to-head in a special
08:00challenge.
08:00I know comedians hate showing off, so this is going to be really tough for you.
08:04You have to take in turns to say something impressive about yourself, so this is a chance
08:09to boast about your greatest achievements.
08:12Please, take your places at the table.
08:14The game starts and ends when the bell rings.
08:17Go, guys.
08:18Go, guys!
08:21OK.
08:23OK.
08:25Um...
08:26Put it there.
08:28Um...
08:29Say something impressive about me.
08:31I, um, have a good tenacity and I think I'm strong-willed.
08:35I have occasional attention to detail.
08:38Well, I have a girlfriend.
08:40I have a wife.
08:43My first kiss was actually on a castle in Guildford.
08:49I look forward to my first kiss.
08:54Ew.
08:55Um, I have a lot of mates, a lot of great mates.
08:59I was a finalist in the Rotary Club public speaking competition in 1991 or 1992.
09:05I mean, this is at school, but I did very well in the cross country.
09:09I appreciate cheese and am able to show it.
09:13Oh, dear.
09:17Um, I am good at swimming and I would actually even trouble the parsley.
09:23I won't tolerate stale biscuits.
09:29I won't tolerate bigotry.
09:32I will tolerate bigotry in order to influence people.
09:38Oh, I've got a printer.
09:40I've got, um, a laptop that can connect to my wife's printer.
09:45Oh, my wife's printer.
09:47The David Mitchell story.
09:49Ha!
09:51Ha!
09:53I, uh, have a very loud voice when I need to.
09:57Do you shout?
09:58I can shout very loudly.
10:00I challenge you to a small mini-challenge within this challenge, which is a shout.
10:04A shout-off.
10:05You'd like me to shout?
10:06To see who can shout the loudest.
10:06We both get to shout one thing at each other.
10:07OK, right.
10:09The challenge has got a spin-off.
10:11Who, who can shout for longest?
10:14You start there and we slowly step toward each other shouting.
10:17OK, ready? One, two, three.
10:36AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
10:41What is this house?
10:46Who's Diane Morgan?
10:49It felt like you needed that, David.
10:51I think it helped a bit. Do you feel better?
10:52Although I think my voice may be different forever.
10:58That was one of my favourite parts so far.
11:00Thank you. I enjoyed looking into your screaming face.
11:03I can't believe we didn't get anyone on that.
11:05Yeah, I mean, there's a reason those two don't have yellows.
11:08Lovely work. Great work, guys. Really good.
11:10Very good.
11:10I think the world will be surprised that it was David
11:13who had the loudest scream.
11:15You wouldn't have put much money on that.
11:17He's an animal.
11:19We didn't know.
11:24When I went to Mexico,
11:27I got Montezuma's Revenge.
11:29I OD'd on Imodium
11:31and basically had to have a C-section to do a shit.
11:37That's...
11:39That's full on. Yeah.
11:41That's bad. That's really bad.
11:43Yeah.
11:43Did you have a book in a date and stuff?
11:45Yeah, yeah.
11:46And a gender reveal.
11:50Let's see. Yeah.
11:55Did they show it to you?
11:57Did you keep it?
12:01Are you proud?
12:04Was it like people say, don't they, about birth?
12:07They say, it's like...
12:08It's just emotional for me.
12:09It's emotional because that's actually my child.
12:12Oh, Alan.
12:13Alan.
12:14Alan.
12:15Oh, it's good.
12:16It's good.
12:18Just diary.
12:21It's got problems, hasn't it?
12:22It's weakening.
12:23No.
12:24It's just emotional for me because that's my child you're talking about.
12:28Yeah.
12:28Your poo child.
12:35You do a fair bit of acting, don't you?
12:37Mm.
12:37You do quite a lot of that.
12:38Mm.
12:40I've got an audition.
12:42Oh, yeah.
12:43Next week.
12:43But I find them really scary.
12:45Do you? Yeah.
12:46Unnerving.
12:47I've got the...
12:48Do you want to run...
12:48Would you run through it with me?
12:50Yeah.
12:50Is that OK?
12:50Absolutely.
12:53Let's have a look.
12:57You're Jack, if that's OK.
12:58Interior, quiet rural cafe.
13:00Jack, a handsome British man in mid-20s, is working behind the counter.
13:04Enter Hannah, an American businesswoman in her early 30s.
13:08Hi, what can I get you?
13:09Oh, I'm still deciding.
13:11Hold on a second.
13:12That's really good.
13:13Is that good?
13:14Yeah.
13:14Her phone rings and she takes it out her bag.
13:17She takes a deep breath and answers calmly.
13:19Look, Steve, now ain't a good time.
13:22You know how important this case is to me, and I can't think about us right now.
13:28She pauses to hear Steve's reply.
13:30She nods understandingly.
13:34You might want to work on that nod a bit.
13:36The nod?
13:37Yeah.
13:39She puts her phone away and glances back at Jack, who has already prepared her coffee.
13:44Got you an Americano?
13:46Because I think I detected an accident.
13:48Hannah rolls her eyes and laughs to herself.
13:54Not a laugh.
13:55I think that's risky business.
13:58I think you've got it in the bag.
13:59You reckon?
14:00Nothing to worry about.
14:01The only thing, I'd say that nod was a bit big.
14:03What would you go for?
14:07Yeah, that's it.
14:08Your accent's amazing.
14:10Cheers, Di.
14:13These are serious players.
14:15I think we need another joker.
14:16I'm out with...
14:17PHONE RINGS
14:18Hello.
14:19Here we go.
14:21PHONE RINGS
14:23Hello.
14:23Last one laughing.
14:24Uh, Romesh, could you go and play your joker, please?
14:27Sure thing.
14:28Bye-bye.
14:28Has the booze arrived?
14:30No.
14:32What?
14:33What?
14:34What did they say?
14:35You can't just keep it to yourself.
14:37This is the most deadpan group of people.
14:39I can't believe they're all still in there.
14:41They're not breaking.
14:42OK, we're going to have to get strict now.
14:45PHONE RINGS
14:48Oh, straight in there.
14:49Okey-dokey.
14:50Hello.
14:51Um, just to start off, I'm going to give you these, but could you not open them?
14:54Yeah, please.
15:02Let's go, Romesh.
15:05Oh, exciting.
15:06So, please don't look at the envelopes until I say,
15:09a lot of my comedy comes from taking ownership of some of the hardest things I've had to deal with.
15:14Whether it's my bonky eye, how much I depend on my mum for a career,
15:18or even how long I remained a virgin.
15:23I had to face a lot of criticism that I rely too much on jokes about my eye.
15:27Online, one person actually said, if he had two straight eyes, he'd be driving a taxi.
15:34But what people don't know is actually that a little part of me dies
15:37every time I mention my weaknesses in a room of people.
15:40It gets laughs, sure, but it still hurts.
15:43So, given you guys can't laugh, I thought I would detail some of the things that I found the hardest.
15:48Here are some examples of the things I got called.
15:51Gauzy-eyed, croc-eyed, gammy-eyed, shitty-eyed, eyed-eyed.
15:57And this is probably the worst one.
16:01Cookie Monster.
16:19Things then quietened down, and I learned to make those jokes first.
16:23But I wasn't ready for what happened in 2007.
16:26Tony Blair stood down, and this man became Prime Minister.
16:34Can anybody guess what my nickname was in the late noughties?
16:38Gordon.
16:39It was Gordon Very Very Brown.
16:49I hope that the status of becoming a teacher would change things.
16:52Some kids called me Mr Rajabaga Bing Bong.
16:56Which I thought was racist.
16:58But the head said all the vowels made it sound plausibly Sri Lankan.
17:04Fucking hell!
17:05A career in the public eye came next, and via the horror of social media,
17:11I found myself in the eye of the storm as TV appearances held another volley of horrible comments.
17:17Cameraman's nightmare.
17:19He needs his mum there for directions.
17:21His eyes are on more channels than he is.
17:25Not only that, but people made unflattering racial comparisons to other comedians.
17:30Jack Deepak.
17:33Ricky Gervaisian.
17:35Or the worst, David Badbadil.
17:40My therapist says the final stage of my healing is to allow you to say those things.
17:45So when I point at you, what I'd like you to do is open your envelope, take it in,
17:49and then I would like you to say the insult to my face.
17:53Let me start with you, please.
18:03Even he can't see things from his own perspective.
18:16He'd need the Death Star to give him laser eye surgery.
18:30He's got the worst eye since Isis.
18:43He got jizz in that eye from whoever he had to suck off to get on TV.
18:50Maisie straight in.
18:51Not even a bit of a mercy.
18:53Nothing to Maisie.
19:07His wife's eyes must be more fucked than his.
19:16And finally.
19:18Mmm.
19:34His eye looks...
19:39His eye looks like a grape in a tumble dryer.
19:52Thank you so much for taking the time to sort of share that,
19:54and I certainly found it useful, and I hope you did too.
19:57Thank you very much, guys. I appreciate it.
20:00Oh, wow.
20:06Brave.
20:07Very brave. That was brave.
20:08Very brave.
20:08I felt bad for Romesh, and I've had that myself.
20:11You know, people have said horrible things about me, you know.
20:14My smile's like a bombed-out village and stuff like that,
20:17and someone said if I grew a moustache,
20:19it'd look like Stonehenge had a thatched roof.
20:22What was yours again, Alan?
20:24Can't remember now.
20:30Let's have it again.
20:31Yeah, it was my favourite.
20:32Once more with feeling.
20:35You can really picture the grape, can't you?
20:37Mm-hm.
20:38Bobbling around.
20:40It makes me feel...
20:41No, but...
20:42No, but that will help.
20:43That will help.
20:44Heal from it.
20:51His eyes...
20:54...looks like...
20:55Oh, what?
20:56Mm-hm.
20:57That's brilliant.
21:00That's a laugh.
21:01It's a weird noise, but it was a laugh.
21:02Yep.
21:05Whoa.
21:06What?
21:07Uh-oh.
21:08What?
21:09Doors.
21:12Oh, God!
21:14I think it might have been me, guys.
21:17We have had...
21:18a laugh.
21:22Please.
21:23His eyes
21:27Looks like
21:38You're the first one out
21:43Yeah, there you are, baby, you have to come and watch with me, but you don't have to go on
21:48your own
21:51Have a look, we've had another laugh
21:56Let's have it again
21:59You can really picture the grape, can't you?
22:04Oh, we're being incredibly strict now
22:08And you lot pushed me to do that again
22:10Had to happen, Alan
22:12Okay, that's one for you, Bermie
22:13One for you, Alan, you'll come with me
22:15Come on
22:16Dawson, guys
22:19I didn't get the first red card
22:21It was a joint first red card
22:24And technically, Alan Carr
22:26Alphabetically
22:27Is higher up
22:28So, first
22:30But, like, second to Alan
22:32Bermie gets the first red card
22:34She's out first
22:35First red to Bermie
22:37Oh, and Alan's out as well
22:39But Bermie first
22:42Please come in, take a seat
22:43You are free to laugh
22:46How did you find it in there?
22:47I couldn't control my face
22:48There's so many funny people
22:50Your facial expressions
22:51It was only a matter of time
22:52You know what my face is
22:53I knew I'd be the first or second out
22:55Or whatever
22:56I thought I'd last longer
22:57I mean, I lasted long, actually
23:00It's just everyone else is so good
23:03Right, team
23:04Things are going to get really freaking
23:07Tense
23:08They haven't restarted, have they?
23:10Nope
23:11Yeah, get it out
23:17OK, should we restart?
23:18Yes
23:19OK, let's go
23:20I thought, I thought
23:21Oh, jeez
23:22Oh, this is thick and fast
23:24I'm not ready for this
23:27Evidently
23:27I might just get on the phone for some more booze
23:30Lager, please
23:36Have you been to a hem party, David?
23:37Only professionally, obviously
23:40Professionally?
23:40You know
23:40Have you, what?
23:41You've been booked for a hem party?
23:43You've been booked for a hem party?
23:43You've been booked for a hem do?
23:44Yeah
23:44When I was younger and more
23:47As a stripper?
23:49No, as a sort of, you know, a waiter just in a thong
23:51No
23:53I can believe that you would be a stripper
23:55I can't believe that you would wit on someone
23:58It's difficult to take that as a compliment
24:02It's so nice to laugh
24:04It's so nice
24:06OK, it's time to bring a bit of class to proceedings, isn't it?
24:09All right
24:11Oh, hello
24:13Meine Tochter, Nehmerbeer
24:21Wow
24:23Oh, this should be fun
24:40Doors
24:43I see you've all met my chiropodist
24:46Please, take a seat up here
24:47We have a singing challenge now
24:49Now I would be out
24:51Yeah, we'd be out now
24:51I don't feel so bad now
24:53OK, it's actually fairly easy
24:54All you've got to do is sing this
25:03You bastard
25:04OK, just sing that when I point to you
25:06Amy
25:19David
25:20Bad
25:21Ah
25:22Ah
25:23Ah
25:23Ah
25:23Ah
25:24Ah
25:26Ah
25:27Ah
25:29Ah
25:29Ah
25:32Dan.
25:42Romesh.
25:55Mel's got to go, surely.
25:58Mel.
26:11Sam.
26:18Bob.
26:26Maisie's gone, come on!
26:28Maisie's gone!
26:29Maisie.
26:30She's crying!
26:31Maisie?
26:42That was very strong.
26:45It's a very moving piece of music.
26:47Roisin, could you hit the red button for me?
26:49Yes, Jimmy.
26:50Oh, my God, Maisie!
26:56Yeah, who was it?
26:58Who was it?
26:59Who was it?
27:01I think you know who it was.
27:03OK, let's have a look at the replay.
27:06Bob.
27:14Maisie?
27:15Maisie!
27:18Oh, my God!
27:19Oh, Maisie.
27:20Oh, Maisie!
27:22I'm sorry.
27:23I think you were laughing a bit. Yeah, just a little bit
27:29So Maisie it's a red card for you. Sorry Maisie. We've also had a smile
27:38Take a look
27:40Oh
27:49We are being strict at this stage of the game, so I've got to give you a red card. Okay
27:56Well, it's a smile or a laugh. That's the game. Yeah, I mean, I've got I came across that such
28:02a knock then
28:03Mal sometimes it's nice to hold a glass rather than suck it to your face. I sucked it so hard.
28:08I couldn't actually get it off then
28:10I'm supposed to worry
28:12She sucked it so hard. She couldn't get it off
28:17I'm at his hand you get ahead in show business
28:23I was annoyed with myself for letting that slip I thought I'd got away with it then just when you
28:29think you're safe
28:30the spectre of Jimmy Carr returns
28:34It's all over
28:36So that's red cards for Amy and Maisie four down six to go who will be the next to crack?
28:43Here we are look at it. That was a tough one. I went so red. I thought it was I
28:47thought I was gonna pass out
28:49You're not meant to repress it. No natural. I knew I was out when I started to see stars
28:53All right, let's restart the game
28:55Yeah
29:03Can you give me three favorite things and I'll judge them three favorite what do you like cheese?
29:10Well, here's the thing. I don't really eat cheese, but I can I can do it off memory if you
29:14like there was a time when you
29:16Adore cheeses. Yeah your third cheese
29:21Smoked cheddar
29:26Sorry at number two
29:28Wensleydale
29:33Sorry rom and at number one for you danish blue
29:41You love that one yeah what great cheese is a great cheese
29:48Sorry to interrupt chaps something something from the buffet sorry to interrupt with a slightly loud voice
29:54I'll not take anything thank you
29:56Something from the buffet
29:57Cracker and a guac
29:58Crack-a-mole as we're calling it yeah, I mean combo the two or a nice little tomato
30:02I'm fine with a mozzarella looking underneath do you like a mozzarella Bob?
30:08Or a cucumber Bob
30:11No, I'm gonna say I'm gonna just bring into the guac-a-mole
30:13Dippy dippy dips in the guac-a-mole
30:16Dippy dippy dips in the guac-a-mole
30:43Hello last one laughing oh hi romish could you get Bob to go and prepare his joker no problem thank
30:48you
30:50Bob could you prepare your joker please oh hello sailor right now
30:55It's belt and braces time. I fear this could be a problem for people
31:00This could be the end for some of us
31:03Let's clench up because this is going to be a very very rough and difficult ride. Oh
31:09My god
31:11Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage
31:15Shit
31:19We are intimacy coordinators yeah, you're a stout love
31:25You're about to see a show
31:27Hairier
31:29Oh
31:30Wow the stakes are high a little bit sexier a little bit futuristic is the card red or yellow. Oh
31:37my god. This is so tense
31:41Nice and simple would you consider yourself a pervert?
31:59Right thing I saw all the places we talked about
32:00Good
32:00Oh
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