- 2 weeks ago
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TVTranscript
00:01Your dad sent your letter to the office.
00:03Oh, please let it be his death certificate.
00:06Oh, wow. Your dad still gets the actual newspaper.
00:09Being old must run on your family.
00:11Huh?
00:12You made the paper again, Dad.
00:16That's really sweet.
00:17No, it's psychological warfare.
00:19Every time I'm in the paper with something embarrassing,
00:21he sends a clipping.
00:23Frank, did you leave a panini on?
00:25Does Picasso leave a painting unfinished?
00:27Fire! Fire!
00:29Fire! All officers must commence emergency evacuation protocol.
00:33Fire!
00:34Push! Push! Come on, push!
00:35It's pan! It's pan!
00:37Move! Jackass!
00:39We got so many doves from the Amazing Donald's estate.
00:42It's too bad the Amazing Donald couldn't make heart disease disappear.
00:45Hand me those reptile bags.
00:46I need these for the snakes, man.
00:48You got pockets?
00:49Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
00:53Dozens of birds coming through!
00:55That was so awesome!
00:58You guys gotta try this!
01:00That's good. Keep it moving, people.
01:03And time.
01:04I flew.
01:05For one glorious moment I could take to the skies.
01:08Great job, everybody.
01:09If that had been a real fire, all animals would have survived.
01:12This was the drill?
01:13This was the drill?
01:16This is the drill?
01:18Okay, today is the grand opening
01:46of our annex kennels.
01:48We are expecting lots of VIPs.
01:51Would I have liked a little bit more time
01:52to get our sea legs as a newly merged precinct?
01:55Yeah, absolutely.
01:56So, I'm gonna need all hands on deck to get this done.
01:59Can I get an ahoy?
02:00The only thing that makes this merger tolerable
02:02is knowing that someday the sun will explode
02:04and destroy the entire planet.
02:06Ahoy!
02:07Ahoy!
02:08So, Victoria and Daisy, I need you two on dog detail.
02:11I want all adoptable pooches looking their best.
02:14That means scrubbed, sheared, and sexy.
02:16Sexy?
02:17Well, no one listens to me
02:18until I say something awkward.
02:19Now, who wants to do balloon arches?
02:21Affirmative.
02:22Everyone knows I handle all things balloons.
02:24They called me the lunar back in the 2-3.
02:27My man has legit mylar skills.
02:29Sold.
02:30Templeton's doing the arches.
02:31Yeah, I'll need two experienced officers.
02:33I can give you Shred and Patel.
02:35Sure, the Butterfinger brothers.
02:36Dang.
02:37I can smack them back into shape.
02:40Sorry, I nodded off.
02:41What happened?
02:42So far, I'm supportive of this plan
02:43and my lack of involvement in it.
02:45Frank, you can either tag in and help Templeton
02:47or you can pick up Roman,
02:49who, may I remind you, is our sponsor.
02:50He requested a limo service,
02:52but given our budget, the limo service,
02:54it's one of our trucks.
02:55That's like asking me which grandparent
02:57I want to get a lap dance from.
02:58I guess Templeton?
03:00Perfect.
03:01You can moisten my balloon tips.
03:02I'm out.
03:03I'll pick up Roman.
03:03Just remember, it's his face on the flyers
03:06and his signature on the check,
03:07so get him here in one piece.
03:09I promise nothing.
03:10I have to moisten his balloon tips.
03:14So, spot on, baby.
03:14What do you mean the school tall?
03:15See, we have to invite the entire class?
03:18Well, no, of course.
03:19Maybe I'm gonna handle it.
03:20Yeah.
03:22Do you have a favor?
03:23If I choke on this bagel,
03:24just don't resuscitate me.
03:25Buddy, I've seen you take down a burrito in two bites.
03:27There's no way a bagel's taking you out.
03:29What's up?
03:30My kid's birthday party.
03:31Supposed to be him
03:31and a weird kid named Tom
03:33in the living room playing board games.
03:35Now, I have to feed 35 kids.
03:3835?
03:3835 kids.
03:39Dude, that's like two bounce houses.
03:41Maybe I can get my kid canceled.
03:43Just gotta find out
03:44what a nine-year-old finds offensive.
03:46All right.
03:46Okay, okay.
03:49Euchre time.
03:50Oh, I didn't know you were here.
03:53I can come back later.
03:54No, no, no, no, no.
03:55It's totally okay.
03:56This is everybody's kitchen.
03:57It's the people's kitchen.
03:58All right.
03:59I know.
04:00I just, I,
04:00I just don't want things to be weird.
04:03It's not weird.
04:04We're just two co-workers
04:05that know what the inside
04:06of each other's mouths tastes like.
04:07Yeah.
04:08We were friends before.
04:09There's no reason why
04:10we can't keep things platonic.
04:11Platonic is a great word for us.
04:13Yeah.
04:13Also, really good movie.
04:14Are you sure you're not thinking
04:16of the movie Platoon?
04:17I am thinking of Platoon.
04:19But it's about army buddies
04:20that work together
04:21with no romantic feelings,
04:22so it, it kind of applies.
04:24That is us for the next few months.
04:26Maybe my toast will be done by then.
04:29I do have to push it down.
04:30Like our feelings.
04:33I'm going to take my yoga.
04:36Oh, no.
04:36Okay.
04:40Hey.
04:41Hey.
04:42Thank you so much
04:42for rolling with the punches
04:43and helping Daisy.
04:44This might be a good opportunity
04:46for you two to bond.
04:47You know, make it fun.
04:48Bitches.
04:49Washing bitches.
04:51I don't think I've ever heard
04:52you actually curse before.
04:54Yeah, I hated it
04:54when I practiced it in my office
04:56and I hated it now.
04:57The thing with Daisy,
04:58I don't think she loves me.
04:59Yeah, whenever I walk into a room,
05:01she just shouts,
05:02nope.
05:03Oh, yeah.
05:04Maybe it's like, no.
05:05Yeah.
05:06You know what?
05:06I'll give it a go,
05:07but only because I don't want
05:08that bald spot to get any bigger.
05:10Yeah, I have been
05:10stress-plucking again.
05:11So, yeah.
05:18Who do you want to work with me?
05:19Yeah, man, yeah, man.
05:21I'm a BFP.
05:22I got your mind.
05:22Tripp.
05:23Please, Tripp.
05:25Can you step outside
05:25of the vehicle, sir, please?
05:27No, no, I'm just kidding.
05:29No, but seriously,
05:30I'll be driving.
05:31Did you steal that uniform
05:32from a Build-A-Bear?
05:32No, Emily swore me in
05:33as an honorary officer,
05:35which is why I'm allowed to drive.
05:36So, move over.
05:38You have two seating options,
05:39passenger side or center console.
05:40Emily, Frank won't let me drive.
05:43Frank, be nice and let him drive.
05:44When did you call Emily?
05:45Before I left the house.
05:46Scooch.
05:49Can't believe I should
05:50have chosen Templeton.
05:51You might want to adjust
05:52the mirrors in the seat.
05:53A joke about my stature.
05:55Sorry, we can't all be blessed
05:57with Frankenstein's height
05:59and personality.
06:00It's a big vehicle.
06:01You need clear lines of sight.
06:02All I see is a sulky Sally
06:04about to have the ride
06:05of his life.
06:06Okay.
06:07Stay in the truck, Frank.
06:10Thanks for taking over the wheel
06:13while I make some content.
06:15Oh, I wouldn't want to depart
06:16the public of the daily garbage.
06:18What up, Romaniacs?
06:19Who, who, who?
06:20Animal control officer
06:21Roman Park is in the heezy
06:23along with my driver,
06:25Frank Shaw.
06:25Say hi, Frank.
06:26I do not consent to being recorded.
06:28I'm being held against my will.
06:29Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
06:30All available units,
06:32dangerous dog reported on 4th
06:33and Madrona.
06:34Respond ASAP.
06:35Sergeant Park responding.
06:37On it.
06:37No, no, no, no.
06:38We are not on it.
06:39We're not by it.
06:40We're not going anywhere near it.
06:41It's your call, Sergeant.
06:42No, no.
06:43He is not a sergeant.
06:44Thanks, darling.
06:45We'll take it.
06:46Duty calls, like, and subscribe.
06:48Park!
06:49Oh, oh, oh, oh!
06:53Wrong shape.
06:55Uneven distribution.
06:56Terrible spiral.
06:57Dude, I almost lost my fingertips
06:59tying these balloons off.
07:00Oh, you're poor little pinky-winky.
07:02Man up.
07:03And where the hell's Patel?
07:04Honey, I'm on it.
07:05I found this great party store.
07:07Tons of stuff.
07:08Kids like tomato juice, right?
07:11Mmm.
07:12Nice to see you make an appearance.
07:14You know, there's two types of people
07:15in the world, right?
07:15There's workers,
07:16and then there's shirkers,
07:17and all I see are two shirkers right here.
07:19Just party decorations, bro.
07:21You need to relax.
07:22Yeah, dude, chill, bro.
07:25I'm sorry.
07:26You know, helium's a dwindling natural resource,
07:28and this is how you plan to waste it?
07:31Oh, my God.
07:33I'm sorry.
07:33You really, you screwed me.
07:35I gotta go change.
07:36You're not excused.
07:37You're not excused.
07:38Seriously.
07:39Permission granted for dismissal.
07:44Uh...
07:45Oh.
07:45Is it, uh, tomato juice?
07:49Uh, yeah.
07:50Well, it's...
07:51Yeah, that's...
07:52Well, as you were.
07:55Galloping gremlin.
07:56Are you okay?
07:57Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
07:58Yeah, it's...
07:59Okay.
08:00Look at us.
08:01Two bitches washing bitches.
08:03This is a male dog,
08:04and I don't like being called a bitch.
08:06For the report,
08:06I called us both bitches.
08:07It wasn't specific...
08:08Oh, but I'm sorry I can't hear you,
08:09because I'm trying to work.
08:11Generally, we point the hair dryer at the dog.
08:13Oh, yes, right.
08:14Yeah.
08:16There we go.
08:18Hi.
08:18Hi.
08:19Hey.
08:20How are you two doing?
08:21So good.
08:22It's peachy.
08:22I'm having so much fun.
08:23I love that.
08:24It's a huge day today, right?
08:26Huge.
08:26It's huge.
08:27Yeah.
08:27It's...
08:27It's...
08:28Stop plucking.
08:29Hooray.
08:31Frank Chalema, service,
08:33transporting morons since 9 a.m.
08:35Hi, Frank.
08:36I'm not micromanaging you at all.
08:37I'm just making sure that Roman is still alive.
08:39He is alive and kicking,
08:40mostly because his feet can't reach the floor mats.
08:42We decided to take a call.
08:44Frank?
08:45That man is our sugar daddy.
08:46Do not let him get mauled.
08:47Don't worry.
08:48I told him to stay inside the truck.
08:50Oh, gotta go.
08:51Don't.
08:51No, don't.
08:52Hi.
08:53Roman, no, no.
08:54Relax, Frank.
08:55I built an empire.
08:57Breaking.
08:58Unbreakable.
09:00Quiet.
09:04See?
09:04And this is why.
09:06I have a pear orchard,
09:08and you're relegated to being my chauffeur.
09:10I actually chose to drive your fun-sized body around.
09:13Shockingly, it was better than the other option.
09:15I thought you ran this precinct.
09:18Boy, how the mighty...
09:19Oh, my God.
09:21Oh, my God.
09:22I can stop.
09:24Frank, go.
09:26Oh, Roman, this is great.
09:28Help me.
09:29Just one more time back of your life.
09:31Yeah, I want to get a close-up of your face.
09:33Yeah, there he is.
09:35Okay, I finished another cluster.
09:37You're doing great.
09:38Almost there.
09:39Glad to hear you guys are finally paying the arts the respect it deserves.
09:42You did this to me.
09:44One more push!
09:45Oh!
09:49It's a blue.
09:51Here, hold him, Daddy.
09:53It's a blue.
09:54Congratulations.
09:55Get out.
09:56Oh.
09:56I'll finish the keystone grouping myself.
09:58Get out.
09:59Done.
10:00What's taking you so long?
10:02I'm like five dogs ahead of you.
10:03Yeah, you keep cherry-picking all the left dogs.
10:05From what I've heard, your lap could use a break.
10:07Okay.
10:08What the hell is your problem with me?
10:09You want to know what my problem is with you?
10:10Why I ask...
10:11You did's Hibbleton dirty.
10:13Wait.
10:14Seriously?
10:14Mm-hmm.
10:15Are you referring to when he stalked me?
10:17Snaps talking.
10:17Yeah.
10:18And then he sent me weird New Zealand gifts.
10:20Those gifts were thoughtful and background-specific.
10:23He is a total creep.
10:24He is layered.
10:27Drip, drip.
10:28You wetty-betties doing my calendar idea?
10:30What do you need, Ice-T?
10:31This precinct continues to disappoint.
10:33My units sapped the helium tank.
10:35Doing wacky bits.
10:35You know what?
10:36I'm going to go get some because I think they sell some a long way away from here.
10:41Yeah, sure.
10:41Like, I'm going to trust you with a noble gas.
10:43You're probably going to try to huff it out of a sock.
10:45The thing is, your insults aren't landing because your uniform shirt is tucked into your underwear.
10:51And your breath smells.
10:54Why don't you go with her?
10:56I'm going to go back to the arch and finish doing these units early.
10:58Your bagpiping skills have stayed yet another party.
11:01Oh, I know.
11:03Fatney?
11:05Fatney?
11:05Hey.
11:06You okay?
11:07Yep.
11:08Yep.
11:09Are your pants caught on that hook?
11:11A little bit.
11:12A little bit.
11:13Yeah, I was organizing the leashes and then I...
11:14Yeah, my belt loop got snagged when I reached up to, um, get that basket.
11:18Yeah, okay.
11:19Well, let me help you down.
11:20No, no, no.
11:20I'm fine.
11:21That's fine.
11:21Okay.
11:22Actually, my toes are going numb, so...
11:24Yeah.
11:24Here, I just...
11:25I got to grab...
11:26Okay.
11:27Sorry.
11:27Oh, here.
11:28Here.
11:33I feel like we keep getting caught in moments that are...
11:35Yes, I agree.
11:37Of all the days, right?
11:39Yeah.
11:40Sorry, so I'm going to get back to erecting...
11:42I'm, uh, blowing.
11:44No, sorry.
11:45The arch...
11:47Yeah, that's good because this is a place of work.
11:50So let's all get back to work.
11:55It's coming!
11:55You want to see how a real animal control officer does it?
12:01Yeah.
12:01But this has been really fun.
12:04Ta-da!
12:07Bon appétit.
12:11All right, here we go.
12:13Eat the oven, Nick.
12:14Good job, girl.
12:16We did it!
12:17Woo!
12:18All right, do you want to skip the embarrassing part where I ask you if you need help getting down?
12:22I got it.
12:24Uh-huh.
12:28Oh, I caught my belly in a wiper.
12:31Okay, girl.
12:32We're taking the highway.
12:33Come on.
12:33No, I caught my belly in a wiper.
12:35I'm serious.
12:35You want to get something to eat on the way?
12:37Help me.
12:38Help me.
12:40Is there any chance you did that old man's thing and forgot to record?
12:44Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
12:45I got it.
12:46Oh, flashlight's on.
12:47Hold on.
12:48People look up to me, Frank.
12:49If that leaks, thousands of dog owners will abandon my training methods.
12:54Oh, no, no, no.
12:54It won't leak.
12:56I'm going to post it intentionally.
12:58Well, it doesn't matter.
12:59At least he'll get a laugh out of it.
13:04Oh, who?
13:06Nobody.
13:07Just my dad?
13:08He thinks I'm a freaking joke.
13:09If he wants to confirm that, I can send him the video.
13:12I've always been the black sheep of the family.
13:14All my brothers are multi-hyphenates, like engineer professor, doctor researcher.
13:19Yeah, well, so are you, virgin leprechaun.
13:21I've been bedded.
13:22You can't relate to any of this because dads love strapping dim brutes like you.
13:27Just to be clear, you're still asking me for a favor.
13:30Just go ahead and post it.
13:31Or don't post it.
13:32It doesn't matter.
13:32I don't care.
13:34My earliest memory is my father.
13:36I had an in utero recollection.
13:38Oh, okay.
13:39Stop it.
13:40Stop.
13:40I'll delete it.
13:41I just got to watch her one more time.
13:43Help me.
13:48We got a man down here.
13:50We got a man down.
13:51I found him like this.
13:52Whoa, hey, you all right, buddy?
13:54You look grayer than usual.
13:56That heart just filled with my life force.
13:59I got to get it outside.
14:01Otherwise, how will people know where the entrance is?
14:06Okay.
14:07I can't do it.
14:10Oh, boy.
14:11It's all too much.
14:12This whole thing.
14:14One minute, I'm at the 2-3 playing ping pong with the boys.
14:17Thinking I'm going to retire there.
14:19And then I'm reassigned.
14:21New place, new people.
14:22I'm just supposed to start over.
14:24I'm almost 40 years old.
14:26It's really tough, man.
14:27There's no way we're the same age.
14:28I'm just rambling.
14:30My oxygen levels have plummeted.
14:32My vision's blurred.
14:35You guys are kind of backlit right now, like two angels.
14:38Hey, you know we do fun stuff here at the 2-2, right?
14:44You know, we actually hang out at the rooftop on Fridays, and we play cornhole, drink beers.
14:47It's super fun.
14:48Yeah, you can bring your friends.
14:50We could have, like, a tournament.
14:51We'd destroy you, but that'd be fun.
14:53I'd like that.
14:54Good.
14:55Yeah.
14:55Okay, the tremors just started going away, and the vision's coming back.
15:01Nice.
15:01Let's get her outside.
15:02Horse me.
15:05God, I believe Tim Burton made you babysit me.
15:10Is he blackmailing you?
15:11Because I can help.
15:12Do you know I got my cousin out of Scientology using only wigs?
15:15It's not like that.
15:16Last year, I went through a messy divorce.
15:20It got very contentious.
15:21I don't know your ex, but I side with him.
15:23I didn't say it was a him.
15:25Oh, really?
15:26Okay, it was a him.
15:27And he left me, and then all of a sudden, I was a single mom working a full-time job.
15:32And Templeton saw that I was struggling, and he wanted to help.
15:36So he sent groceries to the house, not once, but every week.
15:39Grooming 101.
15:40Most kidnappers are someone you know.
15:42And he never took credit for it.
15:44The deliveries were anonymous, but I know it was him, because he always included my favorite
15:47truck snack, those little bags of wet olives.
15:51Templeton is a good man.
15:54Wet olives?
15:56That's the saddest part of your story.
15:59Hi.
16:00Got Templeton's helium.
16:02It's extra, in case you want to mess with his tires.
16:04You might want to take it easy on Templeton.
16:05What is happening today?
16:07I know it's weird, but he was talking to us, and instead of wanting to fight or flee,
16:10I just wanted to hug him.
16:12Oh, did you do it?
16:13No, of course not.
16:14But the fact that I even wanted to.
16:15Yeah, he was acting like a human.
16:17Maybe he's just a dick, and not a total dick.
16:21Okay, everybody, gather up.
16:23I know everyone's really busy.
16:25Can we just gather around?
16:27We are T-minus five to the opening, and the mayor is here.
16:32Good time to bring up the city's homelessness?
16:33No, not the day, not the place, Frank.
16:36Ooh, does anyone have any last words before we go, wow, Seattle?
16:40I do.
16:41You, oh.
16:41Where are my boys at?
16:42Okay.
16:43Ah, there they are.
16:45Us?
16:45If I could combine two people into one person, the world would say I was insane.
16:50Not for playing God, but for using my gifts to create such extreme uselessness.
16:58Victoria, you were late with my helium, and you should be ashamed of yourself for bullying
17:03a female officer.
17:04But I am a female.
17:05What?
17:06Frank, you're probably disappointed in me somehow.
17:08Emily, all of this reflects poorly on your leadership skills.
17:14Templeton, what just happened, man?
17:15That is where I drew the line.
17:17Yeah, no, you don't.
17:17You are a total.
17:19I knew you should be.
17:20I am feeling better and better about choosing Roman.
17:25Enough!
17:25My attempts to integrate this precinct into a cohesive unit have just, they have failed.
17:32So, thank you for putting me in the awkward position of being pro-segregation.
17:36So, here's what we are going to do.
17:38Put on some fake smiles and pretend to be one happy work family.
17:43Okay?
17:44I said fake smiles.
17:45Hello to our community and our special guests, and welcome to the Northwest Seattle Division
17:56of Animal Control's grand opening of the Roman Park Park.
18:00We did do several workshops of the name, and that is going to be the name.
18:05Our deepest thanks go out to Roman Park, whose generosity has allowed us to build this
18:10Oh, my God.
18:10Thank you so much, Emily, for that amazing introduction.
18:13I wasn't...
18:13I haven't prepared anything.
18:14American humorist Josh Billings said,
18:17A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
18:25These workers at Animal Control are incredible.
18:28They honestly don't get the recognition they deserve, which is why I have a surprise for you.
18:36Emily, a tug, please.
18:38It's so real.
18:45Look at that slob.
18:47Oh, wait, that's me.
18:48What the hell?
18:50Emily, it looks like your cupping shreds acorns.
18:52Oh, I, um...
18:55Park, what is wrong with you?
18:57Don't you know you're not supposed to make fun of fatso's anymore?
18:59Ah, Templeton here did me a solid and gave me a picture of you from your academy days for inspo.
19:05How dare you show the world how I see myself?
19:08Of course your dad hates you.
19:09Do you really think a dad could hate this face?
19:12No, he loves me.
19:13We just spent the weekend together at Seattle Kite Fest.
19:16I read Simple Beasts for a living, Frank.
19:20And I tell you, you reek of daddy issues.
19:23Gotta be the way to recover.
19:25Lost footage.
19:26Flashlights on!
19:29Freeze, balloon bandit?
19:31Wait, but really, what are you doing?
19:35Uh, I'm just, you know, excuse?
19:38Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
19:38Are those the missing cupcakes?
19:40And the solo cups?
19:41Patel, our city councilman had to drink out of a dog bowl this afternoon.
19:45I'm running a little low on cash, so I decided to borrow some supplies for Danny's birthday party.
19:50Okay, well, happy birthday, Danny.
19:53Why don't you just come to me?
19:55Well, it's embarrassing.
19:57Okay, what about this?
19:58We have been looking to add a community outreach officer at the precinct.
20:02Yeah, it'd be an extra five bucks an hour.
20:06Will you throw in a company car?
20:07I will not, but I could give you a special lanyard for your ID.
20:11You can give that to Danny for his birthday. I think you'd like it.
20:13Let's just make it six more bucks an hour.
20:15Deal.
20:16Okay.
20:17I really appreciate you taking care of me, boss.
20:21Yeah.
20:21Just watch behind me, because I can't see much.
20:26Good night, Emily.
20:28Oh, hey.
20:29Good night, Fred.
20:33Um, do you want to go?
20:36You want to go?
20:36You want to go?
20:37Yeah?
20:37That's good.
20:38Yeah.
20:38All right.
20:39All right.
20:43Oh, I was with a bitch that completely snipped you by you.
20:52A nice end to a bad day.
20:57All right.
20:58You're home.
21:00Frank, that was so fun.
21:05Oh, my God.
21:06I burned you.
21:07You burned me.
21:08We got in a crate.
21:10Till next time, right, man?
21:12I don't ever want to see you again.
21:13Yeah!
21:13I know.
21:14I'm tired, too.
21:14But want to hear a song about it?
21:16No.
21:16Yeah, I do, too.
21:17Okay, right.
21:18Come on.
21:18Stick around.
21:19Frank and I had fun today.
21:24Nothing beats the jokes and the games we play.
21:29Frank and I had fun today.
21:33Season premiere of the Fox comedy Going Dutch starts now.
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