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00:00Come on, Papadakis. It's your last lap.
00:03You only have to run a 10-minute mile.
00:05You know what? Papadakis may have lost 40 pounds,
00:08but he still sweats like a fat body.
00:10What's his time? He's running 20 seconds behind.
00:12Yeah, but if he's a little over,
00:14you're still gonna pass him on the Army fitness test, right?
00:16No. Everybody has to be battle-ready,
00:18including Papadakis.
00:19I want to die!
00:21Please let me die!
00:22You can do it, Papadakis!
00:24I believe in you!
00:26He cannot do it. I do not believe in him.
00:28You know what? I actually do believe in him.
00:30He just needs the proper motivation.
00:31Major?
00:32Mm-hmm?
00:33Deploy our new recruit.
00:34Yes, sir!
00:35Sergeant Scraps!
00:37Go get him!
00:39Operation Who's a Good Boy is a go.
00:44You trained a dog to attack him?
00:49It's a sheep-herding dog.
00:50It's just gonna nip at his heels.
00:53It's working.
00:54He's still 10 seconds behind, though.
00:55All right, time for Operation Who's a Bad Boy.
00:57Who's a bad boy.
01:00All right!
01:01Woo!
01:02Ah!
01:03Ah!
01:04He has gone insane!
01:05Ah!
01:06Ah!
01:07Oh, my God!
01:08Oh, my God!
01:09Oh!
01:10Ah!
01:11Ah!
01:12Stop running now!
01:13You passed the Army fitness test!
01:15Can't!
01:16They won't stop chasing me!
01:18You're not hurting me!
01:19You're hurting me!
01:20Oh, my God!
01:21That's challenging!
01:23That's amazing!
01:26You're a bad boy!
01:27Oh, my God!
01:28No, no!
01:29Oh, he's not a bad boy!
01:30That's what we want to do!
01:31Oh, my God!
01:32Oh, my God!
01:33Oh, my God!
01:34Oh, my God!
01:35Oh, my God!
01:36Oh, my God!
01:37Oh, my God!
01:38what a beauty took a useless bowling alley and turned it into the best urban training site in
01:52all of europe and now stroopsturf will be known for three things laundry cheese and kicking your
01:59ass hey uh remember when i said when are we gonna get general davidson's permission to build this
02:04and you said how's he gonna find out great what how dare you go behind my back and destroy this
02:10beautiful bowling alley well i was joining league this year we were going to call ourselves the pin
02:14up boys what shirts were made sure are you trying to provoke me sir we need to stay militarily viable
02:21i think that's more important than you throwing a few gutter balls on tuesday nights something you
02:25gotta know about me i bowl good well i army good i'm considered one of the greatest military minds
02:35of my generation which is why the quinn maneuver has been taught at west point it's not what
02:40actually your reverse pencil movement has been removed from the textbook why why would they do
02:44that well let's see it was irrelevant stupid and reckless just like you i'd rather be all those
02:50things than a stupid pinup boy with a fancy shirt well i will be here tomorrow with the paratroopers of
02:57the 173rd and together we will teach you about the chain of command great no rules love it double
03:05blind fantastic force on force simulated combat we look forward to some unfriendly combat competition
03:13bring it on creepo oh you're thinking that you and your troops will be doing the fighting you
03:18misunderstand i'm bringing in the paratroopers to fight with each other are you telling me you're
03:23gonna come in here and have an orgy in my living room make me listen at the door no actually i'm
03:31going to keep the door open it's true you've been excised from this year's edition of the west point
03:37textbook and replaced with a picture of a warhorse like the warhorse in the movie warhorse just based
03:42on the play warhorse i think it's based on a book war enough with the warhorse okay it's humiliating
03:48sitting watching combat on my own base while i'm not involved permission to give you a supportive hug
03:54sir yep you know what davidson turned me into a cuck he cucked me he turned this chair into a cuck chair
04:03i'm a sitting cuck cuck you know what no more sitting we're getting rid of chairs everybody
04:07stands from now on take the stupid book yeah got it on it what is a cuck chair i think he's gonna be
04:15okay yeah he just needs time to process oh well that actually sounds kind of healthy oh no no no
04:20processing is what he calls plotting to destroy your enemy yeah that sounds more like my dad hey uh
04:26i know celeste and i've been checked out but um oh well we're looking to hang out again and i'd love for
04:32us all to get together and you two to get to know each other maybe unless that's weird what weird
04:37why would that be weird literally no reason that would be weird you're weird you're weird for being
04:43saying that it's weird uh no i love celeste and i love you two together i'd love to be with you two
04:51together yeah absolutely great all right let's uh let's figure something out then let's get in the
04:55cow i'm excited i'm down looking forward to it it's about time
05:00oh i'm so booked i haven't set a date yet well it's just really nights are hard for me and only
05:07like um only every night well we could do breakfast maybe celeste and i get up early every morning we
05:12run together yeah no i've seen you guys you'd think it would be really hard for you and your
05:16wife to jog and kiss at the same time but you guys have really figured it out hey guys i know how to
05:22beat davidson in his own game you process that in under two minutes new record sir listen he wants
05:27no rules combat we're going to give it to him all right well exactly how no rules are you thinking
05:30nothing crazy you know the first part's going to sound like kidnapping but i checked it out
05:35and legally we're in the clear sir what you're describing is definitely kidnapping no no no no no
05:41kidnapping is when you take someone against their will and use violence and intimidation to hold
05:46them captive the worst you could say about what we're doing is maybe it's waylaying okay why do you
05:51have the legal statute for kidnapping memorized because i'm a patriot
05:54uh why are we in belgium i don't know man my orders were to transport you to the drop-off and this
06:02is the drop-off all right guys
06:04whoa whoa whoa you have all our equipment
06:13did we get kidnapped i think technically we were way late
06:19holy crap you told us we're stealing military supplies not laser tag gear dude it's not laser tag
06:25it's force on force simulated combat in a double blind exercise where neither side shares their
06:31plan with the other yeah so general davidson's blue team has no idea what red team is up to
06:35like the fact that we are now red team i still don't understand why we want to embarrass ourselves
06:41by attacking our direct superior and his super soldiers general davidson wanted no rules combat
06:46which means there's no rule we can't play and davidson's trying to cock me but i'm going to cock him
06:51that's why colonel yeah i volunteer to be the decisive point you don't have the experience and it's not
06:57take your daughter to war day it actually is literally take your daughter to war day and
07:01allison mcdaniel never shut up about going to her dad's stupid dairy farm and getting all of the
07:05chocolate milk that she could drink this is my chocolate milk okay give me the gun no yeah i am
07:11not running a make-a-wish foundation here okay but i really am the best laser shot that you've got
07:15it's not laser tag guys how many times do i have to say it soldiers lock and load
07:20yeah i uh i think we're playing laser
07:28yeah disco is canceled honey they tried to kill the disco in the 80s but you can never stop the
07:43beat all right guys everybody gather around final briefing major shaw mm-hmm okay at 1400 this flag
07:51will start pinging its location general davidson and his blue team right over here will begin
07:56attacking our position now for them to win they have to get their hands on this flag for us to win
08:01every one of their soldiers has to be eliminated okay there's no reason to worry this is simulated
08:06combat right if you get shot you get a small shock your gun and equipment turns off and then you just
08:11walk right over to the dead tent yeah about that i had papadakis hack into the sensor system and goose
08:16the shock i don't know a couple maybe five levels oh no how bad is this going to hurt somewhere
08:20between playing the board game operation and getting tased repeatedly repeatedly listen it is
08:28okay to be scared no no no no it's not they are out there in their tent scared too they want to shoot
08:34us in the face we are soldiers just like them no we're not they are hall of fame combat ready soldiers
08:42you're dressed like soldiers but you guys are basically little leaguers sitting on the bench
08:45pull on your pots they said those records were sealed listen to me any other day any other place
08:50we don't stand a chance but today in stroopstorf we got them because we have the element of surprise
08:57davidson has no idea we are now the red team so stay frosty because we're going to war in 10 minutes
09:04i do have something in 10 minutes
09:06i'll push it
09:09i'll volunteer to hold down the situation here in the rear negative the colonel has ordered you to
09:19be in the first wave first wave yeah first wave uh-huh i haven't held a gun since basic and the
09:24colonel said himself none of us are really soldiers i mean the new guy is over there pressing flowers in
09:29a big-ass book he's so strange listen i don't like to be embarrassed you don't have to worry about
09:36embarrassing yourself because there is nothing to think about all right we've been given an order
09:40we got to follow it isn't that freeing no i've always found it freeing hey maggie the last good
09:46to see you i'm so happy we finally have a morning hang on the books yes well tentative tentative i wanted
09:53to tell you that i'm kind of a witch and that i can sense things oh you know what i mean and i just
09:59know that we're gonna be such good friends because we have so much in common sorry like what well
10:04we both really like abe oh no no well sorry no i just mean that i have never liked or i've never
10:12like said oh my god no that's not what i meant i just meant like the way that he talks about you
10:17you can tell that there's a lot of love and admiration good kind of like a baby sister so that's
10:23that's exactly it bless his heart do you mind i i actually completely forgot i have to go talk to
10:29oh right now yeah excuse me sure hey fyi um i still shoot you know long range firing at melons
10:36just like i did with you when i was a kid you know the cantaloupe you kill yourself always tastes
10:39sweeter you taught me that right okay what do you want let me be the decisive point
10:43no it's sha he's got the most combat experience okay well sha is distracted are they staring into
10:52each other's eyes yes they do that yeah you know he did ask me to make sure that celeste was kept
10:56close to him during the maneuvers well that's so he could focus on her instead of the mission as
11:01opposed to me who has nothing will only focus on the mission congratulations you're the decisive
11:06point congratulations to you you just guaranteed yourself a victory all right well let's go out there
11:11and get some melon shots i'm gonna turn those paratroopers into an edible arrangement
11:14split the blue team into alpha and bravo squads and prepare for enemy contact
11:19general we have a ping from the flag 10 meters from the entrance of the training site
11:24how you doing soldier being in the first wave reminds me of that scene in saving private ryan
11:30you know the one where everyone immediately gets mowed down yeah i love that scene i was looking for
11:36some reassurance soldier my reassurance is standing right next to you because i would never ask you to
11:41do anything i wouldn't do myself and you always come out fine oh yeah i mean i get shot a lot i have
11:46three purple hearts that's too many i'm sorry sir no no no can't embarrass me it's one of my biggest
11:52strengths i refuse to be embarrassed okay yep it allows me to do the impossible bravo team cut the
12:00power alpha team prepare to breach the training center move move two by two move all right soldiers
12:07see you on the beach
12:09the flag is in that shipping container
12:25what's going on
12:36oh
12:46It was the wrong shipping container alpha team is down alpha team is down
13:09Bravo team prepare for answering
13:19Alright decisive point you're up
13:21Take him out
13:23I got him
13:39No wonder my dad never came home
13:47Whoa judging by how many you guys wet your pants I definitely goose the shock too much
14:01I've had about enough of you witch
14:09Oh no oh no no no no no no no
14:14Ah well that made it weird
14:17That made it weird
14:19Red surrounded blue from the middle like some sort of reverse pincer movement
14:22But that's impossible
14:25That's the Quinn maneuver
14:36Alright guys
14:37Hey listen up guys that was an amazing day out there
14:41But before we really get crazy I wanted to just take this time to single out today's MVP
14:47Yep
14:48This is somebody who really put on a great performance today without whom couldn't have done what we did
14:54Ladies and gentlemen
14:56Scraps where are you scraps
14:58Come here baby
14:59Oh yeah there you are
15:00Take a bow
15:01Take a bow
15:02Scraps
15:03Aw
15:04Aw
15:05Are you proud of anyone else as well?
15:07Well yeah no I mean I'm proud of all you guys in a very general non-specific way
15:12Come on let's go start these scraps let's get something to eat
15:15Okay hey you know that I took out half of the blue team single-handedly so
15:19Well we'll find out cause I'll check all the gun data and we'll see just how many melons you hit
15:22Sorry what now?
15:23The gun data
15:24Yeah yeah that's why we do all the electronic BS we have like we can track everybody
15:28Every single shot
15:30Yeah you have to do that
15:31Right because of
15:32Well that's how you find out if there was any friendly fire because you can't have that
15:35It's the opposite of what we're trying to achieve here
15:37Yeah
15:38All right have a good time
15:39All right
15:40Okay
15:46Hey uh that was awesome that was awesome
15:49Can I uh one second do you mind?
15:51Yeah
15:52I just want to make sure that there's no way that the um blue team could like erase their data if they wanted to
16:00Well they could try to reset their device with a paperclip
16:03Paperclip
16:04See that'll bring you back from the dead and wipe the most recent game
16:08You know what I think I'll call West Point and tell them my maneuver worked again
16:11And it's time to put it back into the textbook for next year
16:14General Davidson's on the line
16:15Probably ready to wave the white flag
16:17General
16:18You may have defeated my blue team but I know your plan now
16:21And I just took command of the real red team
16:24What?
16:25They're supposed to be waylaid
16:27Oh my god
16:28What is the real red team doing back here?
16:30The Dutch bus system is very comprehensive
16:32This is why public transportation should be illegal
16:35All right
16:36You know what we're gonna do?
16:38We're gonna flank them
16:39We go out the back door so we don't get shot and end up in the dead tent
16:42Don't even worry about that
16:43What are you doing?
16:44You guys you know what?
16:45What?
16:46I'm gonna take care of these guys single-handedly
16:48No don't do that
16:49I hope I don't get shot
16:50No no no no
16:51Contact!
16:52Oh my god Maggie thank god
17:05I'm so happy you're here
17:06Wow they really uh
17:08Recreated the stench of death in here
17:11Oh yes that is urine
17:13A lot of these guys peed themselves
17:15And they're being really dramatic about it
17:19Meanwhile I'm the only one on my team that got shot
17:21So I'm mortified
17:23Well let's take a look
17:24Cause your equipment might have like malfunctioned
17:26No I don't think so
17:27Well I check it happens
17:28I doubt it
17:29I was yelling pew pew pew the whole time while I was firing
17:32I just wanted to impress you
17:34You know I wanted to impress all of Abe's friends
17:36Cause he's made this place home
17:38And I was hoping it would be mine too
17:46Look I got shot on purpose
17:49So I could come in here and reset you
17:51Just me?
17:52Yeah
17:53You could reset me
17:54And then we'll both have a second chance
17:56Okay
18:00Let's go earn it
18:01Let's do it
18:02It also smells like poo in some areas
18:05Yeah
18:06Someone did that as well
18:09Oh god
18:14Sir
18:15I found one
18:16Ah!
18:18Soldiers
18:19It's time for the resurrection
18:27Back back back
18:28Davidson's blue team is back from the dead
18:30Uh, so we were trying to flank them and then they flanked us
18:39So two flanks is an equal opposite reaction
18:42I'm-I'm really scared
18:43Listen up soldiers
18:44As your leader
18:45I cannot put you in harm's way
18:47I know
18:49This is a fake war
18:51But I will not let you fake die
18:53I think unfortunately since we're surrounded by Davidson's red and blue team
18:57I'm gonna have to real surrender
18:59Sir
19:00I would've never passed the army fitness test
19:03If it weren't for you believing in me enough to chase me with that knife
19:07And I wouldn't have found out I'm a stone cold laser killer
19:11If you hadn't put this gun in my hand
19:13Why?
19:14We got this far because you believed in us
19:16Let's finish this thing together
19:18And Quinns never surrender
19:21You know what?
19:24Sergeant Scraps is right
19:26We're still in this thing
19:27Yeah
19:28Yeah
19:29Heh
19:30The mirror bomb
19:36Guess what, Major Shah and I have just hatched the plan
19:39Hey, Jan
19:40Yes
19:41We're gonna need your help with the dramatic costume change
19:43I have been preparing for this moment
19:46My whole life
19:50Take a look
19:51Well, well, well
19:52General
19:53Is this the closest you've ever been to the front lines?
19:55You are the only soldier I have ever known to take such pride in being shot
20:01Well, three purple hearts is one of the things I do best
20:04Well, I'm excited to see it for myself
20:06I'm sure you are
20:07Soldier, your weapon?
20:10Any last words?
20:12I think just one
20:16Fire
20:26Your turn
20:27Your turn
20:28Your turn
20:29Yes
20:30Yes
20:31Ow
20:36Ow
20:37I've got the taste for blood
20:38This proves nothing
20:40Proves that the Quim maneuver works twice, sir
20:42Sorry
20:43We won after being surrounded three times
20:45Yeah
20:46You still got it
20:47Yeah
20:48Must be
20:49Not
20:50Urinating
20:51Urinating
20:52Ew
20:53Yeah
20:58This whole thing's made me realize I am, like, in the army
21:02Yes, finally
21:03It's been four years
21:04Yeah, that was a great day you had
21:06Amazing day
21:08I was very proud of you
21:09Especially when you shot Celeste in the melon
21:13Okay, how did you, I'm sorry, I
21:16Don't worry, I would have shot her
21:17I've seen him kissing and running too
21:18Right
21:19I know
21:20It's so gross
21:21It's disgusting
21:22It's like so much loose tongue
21:24Ugh
21:25A lot
21:26My word
21:28More alike than I thought
21:30Yeah
21:31Here's to us
21:32Hating loose tongue
21:34Hating loose tongue
21:35It's going so well
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