- 2 weeks ago
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00:00Man, these wretched cutbacks.
00:06Call me a gloomy, Glenda,
00:07but we simply can't afford two senior officers of your rank.
00:11And these cutbacks, sir,
00:12have they perhaps funded this amenity that you've had installed down there?
00:15It's an excellent choice of pale pine, sir.
00:18Well, I'm guessing.
00:19Yes, well, no police training college can operate
00:21without an executive sauna in the basement.
00:24And nothing can boost the efficiency of the leadership
00:26like regular nakedness.
00:28You see, those beneath me need to look up and say,
00:31there's a man's man.
00:33Do you see?
00:35Talb, please, superintendent.
00:37Right, off you, Trot.
00:38I need some moisturize and then talc my pits.
00:42Come on, Bob.
00:43Off you go.
00:44Do you think every meeting's going to be in the sauna from now on
00:47because I feel like I've been boiled in a kettle?
00:49Well, welcome to the menopause, Bob.
00:53Ah, Mars.
00:58Who was that?
01:20Some random weirdo.
01:24Hey, there was this old man on the bus.
01:27And you're directing that at me
01:28because you think I might know him because I'm old.
01:30No, it's just this old man.
01:31He basically said that he had eight of his baby teeth still.
01:34Go, that's weird.
01:35I know.
01:35And then basically he made me count them
01:37and he opened his mouth and he just smelled of, like, cooked mince.
01:40Reminded me of my new-new.
01:42You've got new-new?
01:43Smells of mince.
01:44Yeah, mince.
01:45Sometimes just the slightest swath of, like, vinegar.
01:48Wow.
01:48Yeah.
01:50She was talking about her granny, right?
01:52I really hope so.
01:55Results time.
01:58Oh, steady arms.
01:59Someone's keen to see their results.
02:0198%.
02:02No surprise it's you two.
02:04Barakat and her doppelganger.
02:07Doppelganger?
02:08Hmm?
02:08Doppelganger.
02:09It's just a foreign thing.
02:11German.
02:11I don't mean to imply that in any way you're German.
02:14It's just that you've both got a sort of
02:15satchelly, spectacally,
02:18tweedle-dum, tweedle-dee sort of thing.
02:20It's a vibe.
02:21Well, that's offensive.
02:23Could it not be a compliment?
02:24I might report you to HR.
02:25I might report him to HR.
02:26I might report him first.
02:28I might report him first.
02:29Anyway, now I think about it,
02:31you're both actually incredibly different.
02:33It's uncanny.
02:35Congratulations, both of you.
02:37Individually, obviously.
02:41Can I come to your wedding, please?
02:47What?
02:47Can I come, please?
02:49Look, I'm free on the 11th.
02:50No.
02:51Oh.
02:51I mean, wedding's a special pull.
02:53Well, exactly, that's why I want to come.
02:55Well, it's not just like a party.
02:56I mean, it's for your family.
02:57You're not family.
02:58Technically, I am family.
03:00Not my family.
03:01No.
03:02No.
03:02And for good friends.
03:04And I'm not good enough.
03:05Okay, yeah, sure, that's fair.
03:06I mean, old friends.
03:08Nearly 22.
03:09Close friends.
03:11Do you think we'll be close friends by the 11th?
03:13Well, the invites have already gone out, Paul.
03:15There's no room for any more friends.
03:16Oh.
03:16Well, what advice to become family?
03:19How would that happen?
03:19Might marry your sister.
03:21What?
03:21They're already married.
03:22Your brother?
03:23I ain't got brother.
03:24Oh.
03:25Your mum?
03:25Leave it, Paul.
03:26Miscreants and ne'er-do-wells come in all shapes and sizes.
03:33So one of the principal risk factors to bear in mind when using restraint might be if the
03:40restrainee is very, very, anyone...
03:42Big?
03:43Very, very...
03:44Yeah, big.
03:45Very, very...
03:45Big.
03:46Oh, is it big?
03:47Yes, yes, could be.
03:49But also, perhaps more surprisingly, if they're very, very...
03:52Small.
03:53Small.
03:54No.
03:54Smaller.
03:55Not you.
03:56Very, very small.
03:58Yes, excellent.
04:00Very big or very, very small makes it difficult with the restraining size.
04:05Oh, goodness me.
04:07Oh.
04:07Sir, have you ever had to restrain someone, like, over ten foot tall?
04:11Excellent question.
04:12Let me have a think.
04:14Not sure I have it.
04:15Unless you count someone standing on a box.
04:18And what about someone under one foot?
04:21Excellent question again.
04:22Is it?
04:23Is it really?
04:23Yes, it is.
04:27Because...
04:29I have.
04:31So, excellent question.
04:32You mean, like...
04:33But I must have been...
04:35Hard.
04:35Yes, it was very hard.
04:37Because...
04:38He was greased.
04:40You know, so it was like, where are you?
04:43There, no, there he is.
04:44Look at that.
04:45Come here.
04:46Got you.
04:47Yes, got him.
04:48Got him.
04:49Oh, he slipped.
04:50Oh, it's like squeezing a pea.
04:52It's like we never found him.
04:54Wow.
05:04Cotton black.
05:08What now?
05:091.30.
05:09No, it's not.
05:10For your anger management session.
05:12I know.
05:13Oh, since you're feeling the anger right now.
05:15Yes, I am.
05:16You cardigan muppet.
05:17Okay.
05:18So, have you got your grounding object?
05:20Remember I told you to keep a small object to hold and focus on when you feel angry?
05:25Okay.
05:26I suggested a marble or a piece of fabric and that is...
05:29Mushroom pizza.
05:29So, how are you feeling now?
05:31Cheesy.
05:32Do you want to buy it?
05:33It's got fluffy shit all over it.
05:34Yeah?
05:35Or some of you.
05:381.30.
05:39Don't be late.
05:42You know, we only get three bog rolls now for the entire building.
05:44Well, it's the cuts, Julie.
05:45It's the cuts.
05:46You know, it must be reasonable.
05:47Over in dog handling, they have to bring their own paper in.
05:53Sir.
05:54Mm-hmm.
05:55Ah.
05:56Morning, superintendents.
05:58But for how much longer?
05:59Hmm?
06:00Two become one.
06:01As the Spice Girls once said.
06:02Yeah.
06:03We've got a bit of a problem, sir, in the arse wiping department.
06:06Oh, that.
06:07It's the cuts, Julie.
06:08It's the cuts.
06:09You see?
06:10It's the cuts, Julie.
06:11It's the cuts.
06:12Shut up, Hopper.
06:13Very good point, Bob.
06:14Finger on the pulse.
06:15Won't go unnoticed.
06:18He's off his trolley.
06:19Oh, come on, Julie.
06:20I don't think someone would be allowed to continue in the force if they were off their trolley.
06:24Yes.
06:25That's a very good point, Bob.
06:26Can't believe I just said that.
06:27With a superintendent that's lost his marbles.
06:32Or what view he had.
06:34Oh, yes.
06:35So you found our recycling bin.
06:39It's good to get your bearings, isn't it?
06:40To make yourself feel at home.
06:41Ah, sir.
06:42Do you know I really feel at home now?
06:43Like, I really just feel like I've landed on my feet.
06:44Like a cat.
06:45Like a cat.
06:46Like a cat.
06:47Hmm.
06:48Did you know I grew up with cats, sir?
06:49Yeah.
06:50Yeah.
06:51Yeah.
06:52Yeah.
06:53Yeah.
06:54Yeah.
06:5547 of them.
06:56Like, they were rescue cats mostly.
06:57And who did they rescue?
06:58No, my parents were the ones who rescued them.
06:59From, like, cat shelters and from the streets and canals and, like, catnapping gangs and stuff.
07:00Ooh, dear me.
07:01We had catty.
07:02Kitty.
07:03Binky.
07:04Bonky.
07:05Binky.
07:06funded.
07:07Hmm.
07:08know, I'd be with a K.
07:09Now, I know a lbby's big goat.
07:10Ooh, so.
07:11But when I was resting in the wrong room now, like I really just feel like I've landed on
07:13my faith.
07:14Like a cat.
07:15Like a cat.
07:16Hmm.
07:17Did you know I grew up with cats, sir?
07:18Yeah.
07:1947 of them.
07:20Oof.
07:21Like there were rescue cats mostly.
07:22Who did they rescue?
07:23No, my parents were the ones who rescued them.
07:24From, like, cat shelters and from the streets and canals and, like, catnapping gangs and
07:25stuff.
07:28Ooh, dear me.
07:29We had katty, kitty.
07:30Binky.
07:31Bonky.
07:32Knobby with a K.
07:33Knobby without a K.
07:34It's a whole house full of cats.
07:36Clitty, flappy, sucky, spurty.
07:3847 of them, you say?
07:40Teddy, hanky-wanky.
07:42Your parents name them all, do they?
07:44No, no, no, no. That's what they were called when we found them.
07:46No, of course, of course. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to hear about all of them.
07:50It really won't take me long, sir.
07:51Right, all right. On you go.
07:53Bunty, punty, madgy, vaggy.
07:56I didn't say vaggy, did I?
07:58Vaggy.
07:59I can't remember.
08:00Vaggy.
08:04This is MONAT SUTTELL
08:28Oh, hey Apia, I was...
08:30Oh, sorry. I thought you were someone else. Must be the satchel.
08:33Sure. That's okay. I was just colour-coding all these module notes.
08:37Oh, well, sounds strangely familiar.
08:38And this is all of tonight's revision in reverse alphabetical order.
08:42But first, I've got to laminate all the new instruction sheets, obviously.
08:45Yeah, obviously.
08:45I complained that they didn't come already laminated,
08:48which would have been sensible.
08:49You complain a lot, do you?
08:50The correct amount, yes.
08:52It's almost like they don't encourage hard work.
08:54Oh, my God.
08:56I know, right? So unhelpful.
08:58Have you met Afia Barakat?
09:00In a way. Why?
09:01I just think you should talk to her, or maybe, I don't know, marry her.
09:05Uh-huh. Good proposition, but I don't think I could even ask her out.
09:09It's the nerdiness.
09:10Yeah, don't let your nerdiness stop you.
09:12What?
09:13Hers. Don't let her nerdiness stop you.
09:16You're right. I can make allowances.
09:25Right, why are you only eating, Karen?
09:27I'm getting married on Saturday.
09:29Is the service taking place in the dark?
09:32Did Jeff tell you not to eat potatoes?
09:34Jack.
09:35Jack. Did Jack tell you not to eat potatoes?
09:37No, it's my choice.
09:38I just don't want everyone in the church going,
09:39here comes Patty.
09:41We're quite shallow, really, aren't we?
09:43Me?
09:43No, just mankind.
09:45Oh, can you pass me the pepper?
09:47Thanks.
09:49Hello.
09:50I can't have anything in my hands that's sexual or anything like that at the minute.
09:56Do you want me to grind it for you?
09:58Don't say that.
09:59What is going on?
10:00We've decided we're not going to have sex before the big day.
10:02Have we? Because I didn't really agree to that.
10:04No, no, no, Jack.
10:05Oh, OK.
10:06To be romantic.
10:07And, um, you know, I've got a really high sex drive and, well, if anything ever touches
10:12me, I just get a bit, you know.
10:15But what if the sex is crap when you finally did?
10:18What are you, my dad?
10:19Is that what your dad said?
10:20Yeah.
10:20Right.
10:21But could you not just have some casual sex on the side to keep you going?
10:24That's what he said.
10:25Your dad said that to you?
10:26No.
10:27Jack.
10:27And I said, I went, no, Jack.
10:29No, Jack.
10:31Um, no, Jack.
10:32Like that.
10:32More like that.
10:33I'm not happy about this.
10:48I'm missing lunch.
10:49It really doesn't feel natural having a wire up my trouser.
10:51It's fine.
10:52Today is just about getting you used to wearing it.
10:55So when you're around family members, it'll feel natural.
10:57It keeps catching in my pubes.
10:59Blimey, how far out your body do pubes go?
11:01The usual amount.
11:02A couple of inches below my nips.
11:04Shouldn't even be running the wire for your pants anyway.
11:06Jesus.
11:07All right, Paul.
11:07What are you up to?
11:08Oh, shit.
11:09Oily Jim.
11:10Is this your dad?
11:11Dad?
11:11No, I'm not his fucking dad.
11:13All right.
11:13Keep your hair on.
11:14Firstly, I'm a woman.
11:15His grand, then?
11:16No, she's actually older than my grand.
11:17Second thing, I don't know anything like him.
11:19Yeah, you've got the same wispy moustache.
11:22So, uh, who are you, then?
11:26She's my lover.
11:28For real?
11:28You're doing it with her.
11:31Yes, yes.
11:32Yes, yes.
11:33We are at it all the time, actually.
11:37I'll kiss her if you like.
11:38I'm sorry.
11:40Well, yeah, you're all right.
11:43All right, then.
11:47Come here, you.
11:48See you at Shannon's wedding, then.
12:05Well, that was close.
12:08Do you want to kiss again in case the look's back?
12:10No, I do not.
12:12He's actually popped my wire out of the beard.
12:14Afia Barakat.
12:21Yes.
12:22You have a very well-placed locker.
12:24Yes.
12:25It's neither too far from the vending machine
12:26nor too close to the toilet.
12:28That is correct.
12:29Yes.
12:29Your locker is not well-placed.
12:31It is not.
12:32Would you maybe think about, um...
12:35I will not change lockers.
12:38Is he going out with me?
12:41Why did you do that?
12:54Breathe in the calming flowers.
12:56Learn to use your energy safely in other ways.
12:59This can help relieve your feelings of anger
13:01in a way that doesn't hurt yourself or others.
13:03Have you just Googled that?
13:04Not in the slightest.
13:05For example, you could try tearing up paper,
13:09hitting a pillow, or smashing ice cubes.
13:14Did I say vases?
13:16Dunno.
13:16Wasn't listening.
13:17It may help to work off your anger through exercise.
13:20Shall we try some physical activity together?
13:22Yeah.
13:23How about boxing?
13:24How about dancing?
13:26Well, I only know the Argentinian tango.
13:28It's quite an angry dance.
13:30What's not to like?
13:31Submissive women meekly following aggressive, dominant males.
13:34Oi, are you dancing or what?
13:36I shall.
13:37But only because it's my decision
13:39and because it's part of my job.
13:42Where's Sergeant Black?
14:01Dunno.
14:01Should be here by now.
14:03Dev, I think that's a chair.
14:05No, I think it might be a test.
14:06No, it's P.E. stuff today.
14:08No, like a test for initiative.
14:12There's a bit in SAS Rogue Heroes,
14:14which I was nearly in, by the way.
14:15Oh, well done.
14:16The new recruits have to assemble some scaffolding
14:18into a tower,
14:19whilst the SAS guy in charge is up a hill,
14:21shooting at them.
14:22Why, you don't think there's someone in here
14:23getting ready to shoot at me, do you, with a huge gun?
14:26They might,
14:26if we don't start using our initiative.
14:28We'll see you next time.
14:58I'm so sorry, that was a rubbish idea.
15:03No, no, it was working.
15:04I was feeling less angry.
15:07Yes, and I feel less clean.
15:19All right, enough schoolgirl nattering.
15:21We panicked.
15:26Not even mad.
15:27It was genuinely impressive.
15:30Hang on, where's Dumbo?
15:37Heads.
15:38Everything all right, Bob?
15:52Has...
15:52Has the furniture changed?
15:58Furniture doesn't change, but it stays the same.
16:00It's famous for it.
16:01Yeah.
16:02Yes, of course, I must be imagining it.
16:06Well, I once imagined you were good at your job,
16:08so weird shit does happen.
16:09All right.
16:20Restraint.
16:21Buddy up, and let's see some restraining.
16:23Those of you in the criminal role,
16:25let's have a bit of resisting, yeah?
16:27Come here, guys.
16:28Where do you want to go?
16:29I've got a bit of a steak on the stove.
16:31Bam!
16:31What was that noise?
16:46What noise?
16:47That sort of squeaky noise you made when you were coughing it.
16:50Nothing.
16:51It was something.
16:52It was...
16:52An orgasm.
16:53Don't be ridiculous.
16:54Did someone just mention orgasm?
16:56Okay, I've got this.
16:58Stand back.
16:59No-one mentioned anything.
17:01Yeah, she just didn't orgasm on me.
17:03Oh, my God.
17:04Okay, okay.
17:05We have an incident.
17:07Keep your distance, you lot.
17:08Shall I go and get the incident book?
17:10It was not an incident.
17:11I mean, what?
17:12How?
17:12I wouldn't have ever done that.
17:14Well, you did, and to be honest,
17:16I can't blame you, because look at that.
17:18Yeah, but I didn't.
17:19Okay, right?
17:20I've not come across this in the restraining process before,
17:23but it is best to be prepared,
17:24because you get this kind of freak
17:26when you're out on the street.
17:27Paul, what did it sound like, the orgasm?
17:29There was no orgasm.
17:30Like a brown-headed nuthatch.
17:32Oh, and you'd know, would you?
17:33No, I would know, because I saw it in a wildlife programme.
17:35It sounds a little bit like a squeaky toy.
17:38So pretty unsexy, then?
17:39Well, that can't be me, then,
17:40because my orgasms, they're cute and adorable.
17:43Like a baby harp seal.
17:44Hee-hee!
17:45Hee-hee!
17:45Hee-hee!
17:46Okay, okay, I think we've all had enough of orgasms.
17:49Those are words I never thought out here.
17:51Sir, you're not allowed to have a workplace orgasm
17:54on a fellow trainee.
17:55It was not an orgasm.
17:56I said enough!
17:58If she doesn't admit it, you could get HR to investigate.
18:00No!
18:01Okay, fine.
18:03I'm just a tiny bit sensitive at the minute.
18:05What are you going to do?
18:06Arrest me?
18:07Yeah.
18:08Me and Jack, we've, um, abstained in.
18:10Jack and I are abstaining?
18:11I didn't know you knew, Jack.
18:13Arrgh!
18:14The climax of the common hippo,
18:17which is to say when it sploshes everywhere.
18:19MUSIC PLAYS
18:21MUSIC PLAYS
18:51Whoop, whoop!
18:58Afia Barakat, I've prepared a fact sheet about myself.
19:01Interests, strengths and, well, other strengths.
19:05It's laminated.
19:06I thought maybe you could do one about yourself for me?
19:08Are you coming on to me?
19:10I'm just dealing in the facts.
19:11Are you coming on to me?
19:13That would be a yes.
19:14Maybe we could go out?
19:15Oh, you're being serious?
19:22Yeah.
19:23I mean, the plan would be...
19:24Can I stop you there?
19:26It's a no from me.
19:27But why?
19:28Because we have nothing in common.
19:29I was prepared to overlook that.
19:32Same satchel, though.
19:34I'm getting a new one.
19:36You can go now.
19:40Jesus, Afia.
19:42I know, right?
19:43What a nerd.
19:45Fuck.
20:06Sorry, miss.
20:07Have you seen Superintendents' Brials?
20:08Oh, God, sorry.
20:09I'm on my break,
20:10so don't even think about raising an eyebrow.
20:12Oh, you're getting a haircut.
20:13No.
20:14Dentist?
20:15No.
20:16I'm doing vaginal hydrotherapy.
20:17Oh, that's nice.
20:18Yeah.
20:19And what is that?
20:20I'm removing my ex-lover's imprint
20:22to make it ready
20:23in case there's somebody else.
20:25Red clover,
20:26raspberry,
20:27mugwort,
20:28all simmering below
20:29to steam my vaginal tissues.
20:30Oh, right.
20:31Yeah.
20:32No, I thought so, actually.
20:33No, I once burnt my balls in a bidet,
20:35so I had to dunk them in ice ragers.
20:36Your inane prattling
20:37is blocking my moisture channels.
20:38Get out.
20:39Can I not just watch for a bit?
20:40No.
20:41Fuck off and close the door behind you.
20:43There is no door.
20:44I meant your mouth.
20:52Ah.
20:53I hope this is important.
20:54I've had to cancel my appointment
20:55for my back sag and crack.
20:57It is, sir.
20:58It is.
20:59Sir, I wanted you to be the first to know,
21:00not know the second because I've spoken to Julie
21:03about...
21:04No, actually, the third,
21:05because I may have mentioned it to Melanie.
21:07When is a desk not a desk?
21:08Just get it out, Bob.
21:09Well, sir,
21:10I've not been feeling myself lately.
21:11I've been feeling a little bit
21:13swiggly wiggly in the head.
21:15Good Lord, man.
21:16How long has this been going on?
21:17Since mid-afternoon.
21:18Since today?
21:19Yes.
21:20And I think for the sake of the force
21:22I would totally understand
21:23if I was required to fall on my sword,
21:25sir,
21:26if you were to push me onto my sword.
21:28Oh, well, we'll be very, very sad
21:29to see him go, won't we, sir?
21:31Good heavens, no.
21:32That's a bit harsh.
21:33I mean, no.
21:34There's no question of you leaving
21:35on account of a little bobbity-wobble.
21:37What?
21:38Hard to believe.
21:39Even I feel a little bit higgledy-piggledy sometimes.
21:42We embrace those who are struggling with the nigglies.
21:45We offer a helping hand.
21:46Do we?
21:47Yes.
21:48Big old pot of dosh ring-fegged, I believe.
21:50See you back at your desk tomorrow.
21:52You're virtually unsackable now, Bob.
21:56Actually, sir, I also have some funny turns,
21:58sometimes a little bit wobbly-tobbly.
22:00Oh, and Spry, I do need you to give premises a call
22:04about that penguin I keep seeing on the lawn.
22:07It's...
22:08It's freaking me out.
22:09Yep, sir, on it.
22:10Ha-ha!
22:17Whoo!
22:18Whoo!
22:19Whoo!
22:20Whoo!
22:21Whoo!
22:22Whoo!
22:23Whoo!
22:24Whoo!
22:25Whoo!
22:26Whoo!
22:27Hey!
22:28Oh, hey!
22:29I love it!
22:30I love it!
22:31I love you!
22:32I love you!
22:33It's amazing!
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