- 2 weeks ago
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00:00So I just don't understand why you're not stretching the dough and making that pizza
00:06right now.
00:07Because like if I start doing this, you know, I'm gonna, it's gonna turn into a kerfuffle.
00:10It's confusing.
00:11Pizzagate.
00:12I'm turning to Pizzagate.
00:17What's Pizzagate?
00:18What is Pizzagate?
00:19Like there was a pizza party that went bad.
00:22Hey Siri, what was Pizzagate?
00:25Pizzagate is a debunked conspiracy theory that went viral during the 2016 United States presidential election cycle.
00:32Ping-pong pizzeria?
00:34The personal email account of John Podesta, Hillary Clinton's campaign manager, was hacked into a Russian attack.
00:41Do you want me to keep reading?
00:42Yes, please Siri.
00:44It has been extensively discredited by a wide range of organizations, including the Washington DC police.
00:51In March 2016, the personal email account of John Podesta, Hillary Clinton's campaign manager, was hacked into a spearfishing attack.
00:59McKeeleks published his emails in November 2016.
01:05The more you know, don't fuck it.
01:08Just for the audio, can we do just...
01:10Sleep me up!
01:24Episode one, first pass, just a dash, season two.
01:28I'm back!
01:33I'm emotional about how excited I am.
01:37I'm pacing like I'm a fucking wrestler.
01:39Like, it's just...
01:40It's season two, guys.
01:41It's season two.
01:42I'm Matty Matheson!
01:45And welcome to just a dash.
01:48Today, what are we making, Matty?
01:51Crunchy, cheesy, salty, vegetable.
01:56We're making pizza.
01:58How's the pie?
02:00Is it good?
02:01You like?
02:02It's good pizza.
02:04We're gonna be making a cheese and pepperoni, a little cup and char, and...
02:11Oh!
02:12He had to crumple a napkin.
02:14He was dabbing his greasy face from eating the pizza.
02:17We're gonna make a vegetable pizza from our garden, because that's what you need.
02:20You need balance in the world.
02:22But now, we gotta make our dough.
02:25If you can make a good pizza dough, guess what?
02:27Guess what you can do?
02:29You can make good pizza.
02:30Guess what?
02:31Our oven, we need to preheat to 500 degrees.
02:35Fuck!
02:36If you can't make good dough, you're gonna make shitty fucking pizza.
02:42That's the fucking game.
02:45And we're gonna do a three-day fermented dough.
02:49Seems like a long time.
02:50What happens in three days?
02:51Anything.
02:52Anything.
02:53Three days is long enough for...
02:55Anything.
02:56Anything.
02:57It's as long as I spent growing my mu...
03:03Do you like my mustache?
03:05I shaved my mustache?
03:08And I was like, I look so young.
03:10I look so beautiful.
03:13I look so beautiful.
03:14Everyone's like, where's his mustache?
03:17Where is it?
03:18I hate him!
03:19He's so stupid looking!
03:22He looks so stupid!
03:24Where's his face?
03:25I can't see him!
03:30So, guess what?
03:31I'm people-pleasing.
03:32A little shit-stache.
03:33A little shitty shit-stache.
03:37Can you see it?
03:39Can you see it?
03:41Michelle!
03:44Michelle!
03:48We're gonna work on this mustache.
03:50I respect my fans.
03:52And if they need Maddie to have a good mustache...
03:55Michelle, what do you think?
03:56We think you can fill that in a little bit.
03:57Yeah?
03:59It's actually...
04:00You should do this every day.
04:01Well, I have...
04:02My mustache is pretty blonde.
04:03I'm blonde.
04:04That's his son.
04:05Say that as a son.
04:06I know, because I'm a son boy.
04:08Oh.
04:09That makes a big difference.
04:10I know.
04:13What do we got?
04:14We got...
04:15Four grams of dry active yeast.
04:18Okay?
04:19We got some room temperature water.
04:22Then, all we gotta do is let that froth for 10 minutes.
04:27Do we have a frothed yeast?
04:29No, we gotta wait.
04:31Fuck it.
04:32It literally begins.
04:33As quickly as we start, it crumbles.
04:36Should we do some TV magic now?
04:39Once it becomes really super frothy, we're gonna add our olive oil.
04:43Really good olive oil.
04:44So, we got our oil.
04:45We got our water.
04:46We got our frothy yeast.
04:48I'm gonna add two tablespoons of salt.
04:51We got just all-purpose flour.
04:53Ow.
04:56So, just knead your dough for about five minutes.
04:59Okay?
05:00Woo!
05:01Woo!
05:02Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-dooooooo.
05:09All right, oh yeah, okay, not too sticky, not too, oh, okay, not too sticky, boom, give
05:37it a little toss in the oil, we're gonna let this dough rise for one hour, then we're gonna
05:44put it in the fridge for 24 hours, then we're gonna get to the next level, okay? Okay, so
05:50we got an hour on the rise, it's doubled in size, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, we're
05:55gonna put this into the fridge. Okay, I'm gonna put that in. Oh, I'm okay. Jesus, fuck, I got
06:05the calendars falling on me, fucking, what, see the fuck, I'm not even trying to be mad,
06:11you know, with the buffalo pepperoni, you need a really cooked down. I'm choking! I couldn't
06:26breathe.
06:28Fear? I was thinking about my children. I now know what the turtle feels like with a fucking
06:53straw in his nose. You okay? Yeah! I don't even have a cup of water.
07:00Look, see this, like, caught in my throat. Michelle literally tried to fucking kill me by feeding
07:13me, uh, plastic wrapped pepperoni. And, and, and, and, and today's the first day. Do you know
07:18that there's, like, plastic on all these? I think you can eat this. Eat one, just grab
07:24one randomly. Her job is to protect me, and, and, and to help me. Did you try to kill me on
07:32the first episode? You guys don't understand, like, you always think that, like, I'm yelling
07:36at Michelle. She literally tried to kill me. Fuck! So what do we do with the pepperoni?
07:45I need some testing. Here, yeah, four's good. Four's good. Now we have to wait for the test?
07:53Is this open? My fly's open. Last season, I didn't know exactly how TORT was gonna edit,
08:04and, and then all of a sudden, I was like, I'm watching some of them, like, they were
08:07out for me. Has it been open the whole time? So I need to just protect myself this season,
08:14I think. Okay. You can eat that. Yeah? I'm not choking. I'm not peeling these. Season
08:33two. Fucking perfect. What? Just make tomato sauce? Fuck. Okay! We're gonna make some tomato
08:42sauce. Yummy, yummy, yummy. Lots of good olive oil, okay? I wanna see a lot of it. Perfect.
08:48Throw in our onions first, okay? Cut them in half. We're gonna slice them up. That's it.
08:53Medium heat, okay? Nothing too crazy. Three cloves of garlic, lots of garlic. If you want more,
09:00put more. If you want less, put less. Boom, boom, boom, boom. We got two cans of tomatoes.
09:07How's my mustache looking? You almost want the oil, the garlic, the onion to become one.
09:15Become one. That's what you're looking for. Now I got oil everywhere, fuck's sakes.
09:20Okay. Now. Do I think that Michelle has been plotting to kill me since season one? I would hope not.
09:31If I fall, you're dead. She took a life insurance policy out on me? Michelle! Like, is this the system? Is this it? Is this all we got?
09:43These people, bad actors. Three points of contact. And I think it's just like, they're just, they're coming for me. And I know that it's just like, you know, maybe it's in my head. Maybe it's, you know, maybe it's pizza. Maybe pizza gate didn't happen.
10:00Guess what? Pizza gate fucking happened. This has been like two hours of shooting and I haven't even made fucking tomato sauce. This is so fucked.
10:08Squish them up! We're just going to take every tomato. Oh, watch out. Give them a little squishy.
10:15A little squishy.
10:16You wash your hands after touching the light? I never wanted it. Who wanted it?
10:22Oh!
10:23Ah!
10:24Oh!
10:25Oh!
10:26Oh!
10:27Oh!
10:28Dude!
10:29It's actually a professional color.
10:31Oh!
10:32Oh, come on.
10:34It's actually a professional colouring technique.
10:39Oh, come on.
10:43We got a little fresh basil.
10:47Oh, my God.
10:56Put that in.
10:57Pinch of dried oregano. Just a pinch. Just a dash, I meant.
11:01Little shugs. Little shugs.
11:04Little fresh crock pep.
11:08Yep, salt.
11:13Don't spill it on me.
11:15So you cook it down, pretty pasty, nice and thick.
11:19And we're going to let this sit overnight.
11:21And it'll be even yummy, yummy, yummy.
11:24Okay.
11:25I'm not going in between this every time I got to go to the fucking fridge.
11:28Okay, you guys are fucking laughing at me, you fucking assholes.
11:32Where am I going to put this?
11:33Over here with all the crab fries.
11:36That's why I act out.
11:37Because you guys are sitting there laughing.
11:38Okay, can we put that in the fridge, please?
11:40Thanks. Yeah, thanks, Michelle.
11:42My best friend.
11:44We got a couple minutes.
11:45Let's hear a great sponsor ad.
11:48So it's been 24 hours, everybody.
11:54And we got, let's check out our dough.
11:59I'm going to do a little oil on the pan.
12:01I'm just going to push it out a little bit, nice and flat.
12:06We're going to wrap it again and we're going to do another 24 hours.
12:10Guess what we got for you guys.
12:13This one's a lot nicer, obviously.
12:20I'm going to just do a little bit of oil around.
12:22Because these aren't non-stick pans.
12:24And you got this big, beautiful, really malleable, malleable?
12:28Malleable?
12:29Malleable?
12:30Malleable?
12:31Dough.
12:32And you stretch it over that pan.
12:34And this dough is really palable.
12:37So the first thing, I got some nice Parmesan cheese.
12:42And this is going to be like a white pie.
12:44We're going to do a little bit of mozzarella.
12:47Take these little cherry tomatoes.
12:49I'm just going to break them up with my hands.
12:52Beautiful squash flowers.
12:54Spigarello leaves.
12:56Some Tuscan kale.
12:58No problem.
12:59We got some green onion.
13:01You let them like fall.
13:03Ooh.
13:04And where they lie is where they're baked.
13:06And then that's the bread that you get.
13:08I hate these like picture perfect fucking pizzas.
13:11Fucking stupid.
13:12A little more olive oil on top.
13:15Some salt.
13:16Some fresh cracked pepper.
13:18Now we're going to put it into the oven on our stone.
13:21Preheat it at 500 degrees.
13:26And we wait.
13:28And we wait.
13:29Take a kale.
13:30Eat a kale.
13:31Mm-hmm.
13:32Mm-hmm.
13:33Classic just a dash.
13:34We wait for the cooking.
13:36Yeah, it's so boring.
13:39Cooking shows are so fucking boring.
13:42Eat some more cheese probably?
13:44No.
13:45We want to show you what the fuck goes on in cooking shows.
13:50Oh.
13:51It's where I do my best thinking.
14:03Pizza gate.
14:04It's so fucked.
14:05People are losers.
14:08And guess what?
14:09Michelle's just on her cell phone all day.
14:12What's going on over there?
14:13Instagramming.
14:14Oh, good.
14:15It's a closed set.
14:17Anything to share with the group?
14:20No, I signed an NDA.
14:24There's no NDAs.
14:26Everyone can think how they want to think.
14:28On just a dash.
14:38Pizza gate.
14:39Why would I say pizza gate?
14:40I don't even know what's going on.
14:41What are you doing?
14:42Don't be alarmed.
14:43Ah, fuck off.
14:46What are you doing?
14:47Digging in my ass?
14:52Don't pizza gate me.
14:54I got to wash my fucking hands.
14:55This is fucking gross.
14:57Here's some insider baseball.
14:58So when you're working at a restaurant,
15:00a lot of people think that you just got to wash your hands.
15:03But what you got to do is you got to wash.
15:05Whenever you wash your hands, you always,
15:07all the way up.
15:09Because if you don't wash all the way up,
15:11I smell like a fucking yak.
15:12Whenever you wash your hands, everyone,
15:14you got to really wash.
15:17You got to wash your beans.
15:20And then you just wash it up.
15:22Here we go.
15:32Pizza's ready.
15:33Pizza's ready.
15:34This is why this show is the fucking best.
15:39This is why this show is the fucking best.
15:44This is why the show's the fucking best.
15:48Number one cooking show.
15:52Cause I can fucking cook.
15:54Cook.
16:00It looks perfect.
16:03Maybe we could use a non-stick.
16:05Little more olive oil.
16:07Let's wrap this fuck up.
16:08We still got to make another pizza.
16:10Oh my God.
16:11It could be in the oven right now.
16:13No, it couldn't be in the oven.
16:14Cause I wanted to do this one all the way through.
16:16And then I'm going to put the other one in now.
16:18I'm going to be done with this one in a second.
16:24We got some fresh ricotta.
16:25Couple little basils.
16:27Little spring onions here.
16:30A little more olive oil.
16:33Oh, right out the pan.
16:35It's a little crunchy.
16:36I'll admit it.
16:37I'll admit it.
16:38Little lemon zest.
16:39Fuck it.
16:40Let's roll.
16:41This is what the fuck is going on.
16:44Let's get a fucking couple tights on this one.
16:46Eh?
16:47Look at that landscape.
16:48Just beautiful.
16:49It's like ethereal.
16:50Is it ethereal?
16:51Eserol?
16:52Maldol?
16:53Ethereal.
16:54I'm back!
16:59The evidence!
17:00The evidence is here!
17:02I'm number one.
17:04I'm number one.
17:05I'm number one.
17:06I'm number...
17:07Let's cut it up.
17:08Uh-oh.
17:10A little party tray for you.
17:13Look at that.
17:23This tastes like...
17:24I want my pizza to be like birthday cake.
17:26You know?
17:27Birthday cake.
17:28I love birthday cake.
17:29Look at this fucking dough.
17:30You crazy town?
17:31Are you the lead singer of crazy town right now?
17:34Where's shifty at?
17:35Just a little bit of salt and fresh cracked pepper is a world of difference.
17:45Uh-huh.
17:46Mmm.
17:47I'm obviously hungry.
17:48It's like a fucking birthday cake.
17:50I gotta stop eating it.
17:51I gotta make another one.
17:52Here we go!
17:53A little oil.
17:55We're just gonna pull it to the edges.
17:58Really nice.
17:59A little bit of parm on the bottom.
18:01I love putting that on the base.
18:02A little mozzarella.
18:04And then a bit of sauce here.
18:06The little basil leaves sneaking in there.
18:08No problem.
18:09No problem.
18:11I want the classic, iconic pepperoni pizza.
18:15We pile it up.
18:16We cover the entire thing.
18:19Because pepperoni shrinks so much.
18:21We pile it up!
18:22It looks like it's like an astronomical amount.
18:27We pile it up.
18:28I think that's enough.
18:29Put this in the oven for 20 minutes.
18:31In you go.
18:34Michelle!
18:37Did you take a life insurance policy out on me?
18:40Yeah.
18:41Yeah?
18:42How?
18:43I don't know.
18:45It's a pizza party!
18:50Okay.
18:51I just, I just don't know what to do anymore.
19:05First of all, this is so fucking hot.
19:08Dude.
19:09It's so fucked.
19:10Yeah.
19:11It's so fucked how good this is.
19:12Like look at that.
19:13Do you do this in like nice restaurants?
19:14Do what?
19:15Do you do this in like nice restaurants?
19:17Do what?
19:18Where's the other pizza?
19:19Over here!
19:20Where's the other pizza?
19:21Over here!
19:22Where's the other pizza?
19:23Over here!
19:24The thing too, is like I want the show to be good.
19:26No, I don't know.
19:27I don't know.
19:28I don't know.
19:29I don't know.
19:30It's so fucked.
19:31It's so fucked how good this is.
19:33Like look at that.
19:34Do you do this in, like, nice restaurants?
19:38Do what?
19:41Where's the other people?
19:46Over here!
19:51The thing, too, is, like, I want the show to be good.
19:54Look at that.
19:56And then everyone around me seems to just try to break me down.
20:02Like, we're literally doing, like, a fucking hero shot.
20:05She just walks through.
20:06Wait, wait, wait, what was that? Five minutes into shooting?
20:08I'm choking on plastic-wrapped pepperonis?
20:11Have you tried this pepperoni?
20:13Was that planned? Was that planned?
20:16I don't know.
20:18It's fucking just a gash, dash.
20:21Just a dash gate.
20:24This is 1,000 times better than Pizzagate,
20:27because Pizzagate, supposedly,
20:30it was a bunch of politicians in really high places
20:33having sex with children.
20:36And this is just nice pizza.
20:38So I don't want to say I'm number one.
20:40I don't want to say I'm the best,
20:41but there's just, there is nobody better
20:44who can make this pizza like this,
20:47except for you.
20:49If you want to talk about conspiracy theories,
20:51look up just a dash.
20:53Look up just a dash.
20:54Google it.
20:55Be serious.
20:56You're going to make it better than me,
20:57and you're going to make it better than me,
20:59and you're going to make it better than me,
21:00and you're going to make it better than me.
21:02And you're going to read in a couple years
21:04about really the bullshit that went on.
21:06No!
21:08This was a pizza party episode.
21:10I'm really glad I got to share it with you guys.
21:13Have a great day.
21:15Help me.
21:17If I blank, help me.
21:21I blank.
21:22What are you guys doing?
21:25This is great.
21:27I'm going to shit so bad.
21:28I'm going to shit so much.
21:30Like it.
21:31Share it.
21:32Comment.
21:33And if you fucking,
21:34if you fucking comment about my stupid mustache
21:37or something stupid,
21:38I'm going to come to your fucking house
21:40and beat the shit out of you.
21:42Okay?
21:47Bye.
21:48Bye.
21:49Bye.
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