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Malcolm In The Middle S01E01 (2026) #SERIESHUB
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00:02I really appreciate the opportunity. Everyone in my class was after this internship. I thought
00:07dude and nail for it. No problem. We are glad to have you. So what do you guys do? Well,
00:13we install
00:14computer systems in grocery store chains and food manufacturers to align their inventory software
00:19with food banks and shelters all across the country. So instead of unused food getting
00:23dumped, it goes to people who actually need it. Got it. And what is a food bank?
00:30Maybe watch our video a few more times.
00:36Yeah, I look different. But hey, everything about me is different. I'm happy. I'm successful.
00:43I've learned to work productively with idiots. My life is fantastic now. You want to know how I did it?
00:50All I had to do is stay completely away from my family.
00:54Let me go!
01:08You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out. These things have lasted for six
01:12months. You know, I can call back later. Come on, Dewey. You've seen this like a thousand
01:16times. It's just a normal human body doing normal human behavior. Undergrowth.
01:23How's the concert tour? It's fine. But I'm really sorry I'm not going to make your anniversary
01:28party. I'm sad too, but you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty. I mean, what if
01:33Carl Gustav wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something? Is Jamie going to make it?
01:36I think so. He put in for a leave. Towel! Towel! Towel!
01:41Trauma averted. Thank you.
01:44Okay, let's tidy up. Hey, Dewey.
01:46Hi, Kelly. How's school?
01:47Beneath me. How's Sonia?
01:49Oh, um, it's not Sonia anymore. It's Lisbon. No! Annette! Anyway, she's good. We're really
01:54connecting.
01:55We're going to go shopping later. Do them want to come?
01:59Him can't come with we. Us has homework.
02:02Hey, he's trying. Don't mock him for it.
02:04I'm not afraid of you.
02:05That's not...
02:06I get good grades. I help around the house. I'm your only kid without a file at the police
02:10station. I'm untouchable.
02:12Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while.
02:16I love you.
02:17Well, that just sounds sarcastic.
02:20I love you.
02:21Now you sound annoyed.
02:22Kind of do. It's your timbre.
02:24I love you. I love you. I love you.
02:27The middle one was nice. Thank you.
02:32So back in college, I completely turned my life around.
02:35Because I realized, the less contact I have with my family, the less I feel like a sociopath.
02:40I've become more patient, less angry, way more mature.
02:45Anytime I am around them, it takes me like two seconds to revert.
02:49For crying out loud, I speak fluent Spanish. I know how to say quesadilla.
02:52Oh, it sounded like you said cusadilla.
02:54Oh, no.
02:55You're like, quesadilla.
02:57Siempre hacen esto.
02:59Intentan colegir a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada.
03:02Say exactamente como van a enseñar quesadilla.
03:04Quesadilla.
03:05That's it.
03:05That's it.
03:06That already said it.
03:06That's what I said.
03:07Quesadilla.
03:13Grandma's television was plasma.
03:15I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her, and it was obvious for the rich,
03:18deep black.
03:19You're insane.
03:20She bought that TV in 2015.
03:22All right?
03:22Clarity has full array LEDs with the same picture quality for a quarter of the price.
03:27It's not showing off.
03:28It's a completely sensible, mid-price sedan.
03:31Why don't you just admit you're stuck up and shoving your shiny new car in my face to make
03:34me feel bad?
03:35Is this stuck up?
03:36Is this showing off?
03:39Is this me trying to make you feel bad?
03:42It's not them.
03:43It's me.
03:45Being around them.
03:46So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact.
03:49My house is a two-layover flight for many one.
03:52I'm always swamped with work on holidays.
03:54But I also create the illusion of closeness with a fuse of emails and phone calls and birthday
03:59cards, saying how much I miss them and I can't wait to see them.
04:02It's really important to me not to hurt their feelings.
04:05Because then they'll make me talk to them about it face to face.
04:10I'm studying the 200 pack of votive candles and 1,000 feet of ruby tassel garland.
04:15Oh, there's gold.
04:16No, 40th anniversary's ruby, not gold.
04:19Get in the game, Hal.
04:20Hey, lovebirds.
04:22I hid your mini disco balls.
04:24Thank you, Greg.
04:25They're in the clone aisle behind my signature scent.
04:29Which is?
04:30Suave Sauvage, for him.
04:33Already got it.
04:35So, how do you like the new job?
04:36Well, my heart belongs to Lucky Aide, but after they denied my promotion in that mysterious,
04:42untraceable fire, I'm glad I found a new home.
04:45Lois, come quick.
04:46It's that famous celebrity you like.
04:49It's the Hingham Street.
04:50My Hingham Street.
04:51Oh, no.
04:51Shh.
04:52Right.
04:53Oh, yeah, yeah.
04:55Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:59Never had much faith and love for miracles.
05:04Miracles.
05:05Never want to put my heart on the line.
05:11But swimming in your water is something spiritual.
05:16Spiritual.
05:18I'm born again every time you spend the night.
05:23Because your sex takes me to paradise.
05:27And it shows.
05:30Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:33Because you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven for too long.
05:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:52Can I just stay here?
05:55Spend the rest of my days here.
05:58Because your sex takes me to paradise.
06:02Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:04Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:08Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:11Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:15Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:24That's it.
06:25Now it's my meatball.
06:27Okay, let's take it from the sex part.
06:30Guys, the moment was magical.
06:32Let's not go past it.
06:33It was lovely.
06:35Hell, thank you.
06:36It was just a little weird two weeks before the anniversary.
06:38No!
06:39Before or after the party.
06:40We agreed.
06:42You can do anything you want, as often as you want, before or after.
06:45The actual anniversary day is mine.
06:48You promise.
06:48Under duress, I'll promise anything when you do that thing.
06:53Hell, for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every celebration,
06:58you do the most wonderful, romantic, amazing grand gestures.
07:01The fireworks display?
07:03Releasing those doves?
07:05That should have been done outside and away from the fam.
07:08And now this once, I want to be the one deciding how we celebrate
07:11and not have your plans just happen to me.
07:16Uh, yeah.
07:17Why don't you play with your friends while I finish up?
07:22She makes it seem like every little romantic gesture I've ever made is crazy.
07:28No, no.
07:29It won't hurt to let Lois do it exactly the way she wants to, for one.
07:32Oh, so I just sit back, do nothing, like I don't even love her?
07:35No, no, no.
07:36Not on my watch.
07:36Hell, please.
07:37You're the only one of us still married.
07:39Do not break a promise to that woman.
07:41I would never.
07:43Lois gets her day.
07:45But until then, every moment of every day, I will show her so much love,
07:49she will run screaming at the sight of me.
08:04Nice, right?
08:05And this isn't even the best thing.
08:07The best thing.
08:08The best thing in the whole world is who's inside it.
08:11My daughter, Leah.
08:12She's kind of a trophy I won in college for attending my first kegger.
08:15She hates that joke.
08:19Her mother, Dreamer.
08:21Yes, her name is Dreamer.
08:23Ran off three days after giving birth, so single father.
08:26But I'm good at it.
08:27I just imagine what my parents would do and do the exact opposite.
08:31It's not that hard.
08:35I won't make it worse.
08:37I won't make it worse.
08:41Just so you know, I don't cry like this all the time.
08:44And I also do depressed apathy, paralyzed embarrassment, and impotent fury.
08:51It's a rich inner life.
08:54Sweetie, what's wrong?
08:55Allison Gibgott invited me to her birthday party.
08:59Why is that sad?
09:01You want the list?
09:02Allison and her friends did this as a joke.
09:04They know I know they don't want me to go.
09:06If I do go, they'll freeze me out until I burst into tears and daddy comes to get me,
09:10which is what they really want.
09:11I'm completely isolated at school.
09:13I've never had any friends.
09:15And my personality, by which I mean your personality,
09:18makes it impossible for me to ever have any.
09:22Okay, well, do you want my list?
09:24You're intelligent.
09:25You're beautiful and hardworking and incredibly perceptive.
09:28Yeah, thanks for that, too.
09:30That's how I notice every smirk and slight and microscopic eye roll
09:34aimed at me since first grade.
09:36Why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up?
09:38I have no armor!
09:39Leah, look, I am so sorry you're going through this,
09:42but I promise it'll get better.
09:44It got so much better for me once I went off to college,
09:47so that's less than a...
09:49a decade.
09:52It's actually worse when he tries hard.
09:56Why'd that make you nervous?
09:58What?
09:58Your phone.
09:59Why did that call make you nervous?
10:01I'm not nervous.
10:02It was just work and we're talking.
10:04Maybe my concern for how upset you are is coming across as nervous.
10:08And why do you keep it so hot in here?
10:10I want to be alone now anyway.
10:12Okay.
10:13I'm not going to smother you.
10:15But I'm here for you.
10:16Like always.
10:18I love you.
10:19Really love you.
10:23Love you so much.
10:29Malcolm, I need you to call me back today about our anniversary.
10:31We have to know when you're coming.
10:32And we know you're coming
10:33because you would never be that monstrously inconsiderate.
10:36Love you.
10:38I didn't answer Dad's voicemail yesterday,
10:40so I knew it would escalate to Mom.
10:42I heard the email.
10:43Sorry, I was in emergency meetings till late
10:45and I just heard your voicemail.
10:46I schedule that to send at 2.16 a.m.
10:49That way I look considerate for emailing
10:51instead of calling her back.
10:52Trust me, she'll check the timestamp.
10:54I have to set up six more food banks this month,
10:56but barring a crisis, I'll be there.
10:59That's what's great about running a charity.
11:01Anything I say is a crisis.
11:02It is a crisis.
11:04For charity.
11:07Scored the cut, dry-fitted twice,
11:09so now I go lay down.
11:10Perfect.
11:11This is so easy, I had no idea.
11:13I came up to start the gazebo next week.
11:15You know, Rhys,
11:16doing these projects together every weekend,
11:19I love it more than anything.
11:21Me too.
11:22I have to confess, though,
11:24that this floor was fine.
11:27You don't actually have to rotate floor tiles every six months.
11:32I know.
11:33You do?
11:34But almost every job we've done,
11:36the car, the backyard irrigation,
11:38the washing machine,
11:39they didn't need to be done either.
11:41It's my favorite thing to do anyway.
11:42I'm spending a lot of money fixing things that don't need fixing.
11:48And since this is really just about us spending time together,
11:52maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles.
11:54No!
11:54I know how to do puzzles.
11:56You steal one piece,
11:57so you're the only one that can finish it.
11:59We have to be building or fixing things.
12:01John, whoa!
12:02What's going on?
12:05Dad,
12:06have you ever heard of
12:07a metaphor?
12:11Yes, Rhys.
12:12We all know my life sucks.
12:14I ruin my job,
12:16my marriages.
12:17I don't really have any friends.
12:20That's not the metaphor yet.
12:22Ready?
12:23Things like building these tiles
12:24so they fit together perfectly
12:26is a metaphor for me fitting in with people.
12:29And these tools are a metaphor for you
12:32and all the things in life you're teaching me.
12:35Mm-hmm.
12:36Dad,
12:36you're a tool.
12:38A tool to help me build my life back.
12:42I will always be your tool.
12:48You know what's great
12:49about going to a fancy private high school?
12:53Nothing.
12:54It was the same emotional shithole
12:55as every other high school.
12:58Mia!
12:59Hi, Allison.
13:01Did you get my invitation?
13:02It's going to be really fun.
13:03Dad got an aura camera.
13:04I did.
13:05Thanks.
13:06Great.
13:06See you there.
13:18Mia?
13:19Oh, hey, Cheyenne.
13:20I couldn't finish my mouth homework.
13:22Can you show me how to do a slope intercept?
13:24Of course.
13:25I don't mind at all.
13:26I'm always happy to help.
13:27You know,
13:27you don't have to panic about it.
13:28I wasn't panicking.
13:30Oh.
13:32It's just,
13:32I can see you're even pulling out your hair.
13:35I'm not saying you pull out your hair.
13:36It's probably just ringworm.
13:38And that's easy to fix.
13:39Eight weeks of fungicide pills.
13:41Because it's not an actual worm inside your head.
13:42It's a fungus.
13:46Oh, God.
13:47What do I do?
13:48Make it seem like I was joking?
13:56What is wrong with her?
13:58I'm really sorry about the whole thing.
14:00You othered Cheyenne
14:01in view of the peer group.
14:03Yeah,
14:03I knew I was upsetting her
14:04and I was trying to fix it
14:05but
14:05I kept making it worse
14:07because right before
14:07other girls hurt my feelings
14:09so I wasn't thinking clearly.
14:11I'm not blaming them.
14:12They can't help it.
14:13Robert Topolsky has pretty compelling research
14:15that endorphin levels
14:16actually spike
14:17when members of an in-group
14:17exclude or attack members of an out-group.
14:20At least with chimpanzees.
14:25He's on YouTube.
14:36Once a week,
14:36he'll stand in the front yard
14:38shirtless and flex.
14:44Get ready.
14:45You're going to see something shocking.
14:48Hey,
14:49I'm proud of us.
14:50We actually got all the way to the bed
14:52before we went at it.
14:55Tristan,
14:56my girlfriend.
14:57I mean,
14:58it is so much more than that.
15:00She loves me.
15:01I know,
15:02it sounds like a lie to me too.
15:05Now,
15:07how was your day?
15:08It was good.
15:08We won the Grosvenor Innovation Grant.
15:11I beat an AI.
15:12Dude,
15:13you don't have to keep proving
15:14how smart you are.
15:15I really don't care.
15:16Oh,
15:17except for my taxes.
15:18That was awesome.
15:19So what do you care about?
15:21I care that you always listen to me
15:23and that you're supportive
15:25and that you keep your promises.
15:28And
15:29mostly I care that you understand
15:31in a deep
15:32and complete way
15:34who I am
15:36inside.
15:37And you love me anyway.
15:39And I am so grateful for that.
15:42Jesus,
15:43I thought you were just doing panther.
15:47I better get her.
15:48I'm on.
15:51She's gonna like me,
15:52right?
15:53Are you kidding?
15:54Leah's gonna love you.
15:55You're as worried as I am.
15:56What makes you say that?
15:57Because you know that if she doesn't like me,
15:59we can't
16:00move forward.
16:01I mean,
16:02eventually we'd have to break up.
16:03But I have so many plans to prevent that.
16:06Mutual interest outings,
16:07weekly kindness days,
16:08shared journaling.
16:09There's one
16:09where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball
16:11and you pass it back and forth to each other
16:13and you keep saying nice things
16:14and you keep throwing it
16:15until you guys are both tied up
16:17really tight together
16:17in the yarn.
16:20I'm betting on us.
16:22Look,
16:22you can make friends with anyone.
16:24I've seen it.
16:24And it's obvious how much we love each other.
16:26Leah's gonna see that
16:27and she's gonna want to be a part of it.
16:28I don't know.
16:29When I was her age,
16:30I hated myself
16:31and everything in my field of vision.
16:32So shall I grow it?
16:33Can we wait for that?
16:35No.
16:36No.
16:37It is past time we did this.
16:39We're doing it.
16:40Okay.
16:41You're also honest
16:43and sincere
16:45and sensitive.
16:46Not to mention in bed
16:47the way you combine
16:49enthusiasm
16:50and startling physical strength
16:53with a clear understanding
16:55of nuance.
16:57Yeah.
16:57Okay.
16:59Tristan likes screens
17:00so maybe wear your chinos.
17:01She went to private school too
17:02so you can talk about that.
17:03And politics just makes her upset.
17:07Movies.
17:07She can talk about them all day
17:08but she loves rom-com
17:09so don't you say anything snotty.
17:11You can write this down if you want.
17:13I would
17:13but my pen is busy
17:15doing actual homework.
17:16Sweetie.
17:16So when do I yell
17:17I want my real mommy
17:18and run out in tears?
17:20I'll surprise you.
17:21Please.
17:22This is important to me.
17:23Dad.
17:23I get it.
17:24It's your only chance for love
17:25and I have complete control
17:27over your future happiness.
17:30Every parenting book
17:31says I shouldn't let you believe that.
17:37Kelly, where are you?
17:38What can I do?
17:39Are you okay?
17:39What's the matter?
17:40That I have to make up a lie
17:41to get my own brother
17:42to answer the phone.
17:43You have to promise me
17:44you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary.
17:45Kelly, I'm trying.
17:47Hey, listen to me.
17:48All they talk about
17:48is whether or not you'll be there.
17:50They're old, Malcolm.
17:51They could die any second.
17:53Decapitated in a car wreck.
17:54Slowly choking to death
17:55on a respirator
17:56from some lingering illness.
17:58Stabbed over and over
17:59by some drifter they took in.
18:00Clock is ticking, busy boy.
18:02You can do this for them.
18:03I am doing everything I can
18:05to be there
18:05but my charity just has me
18:06so busy all the time.
18:07So you can figure out
18:08all this advanced infrastructure
18:09for hundreds of charities
18:10and corporations
18:11but even after six months notice
18:12you can't plan half a day off?
18:15Wow, that's almost mom level.
18:17Okay.
18:18At their age
18:18they're a little self-righteous,
18:20simultaneously overconfident
18:21and insecure.
18:23Validate their intentions
18:23and blow some smoke.
18:25Look, I am glad
18:26that you see how important
18:27this is for mom and dad.
18:28They are lucky
18:28to have you looking out for them.
18:29Other kids your age
18:30aren't half as perceptive.
18:32What?
18:33I'm on the phone.
18:35Okay.
18:36I am so sorry
18:37but I do have to get back to work.
18:39But don't worry.
18:40I'm sure I can be there.
18:41Love you.
18:41Hey, Linda,
18:42can you print me that report?
18:44With that one,
18:45you gotta get in and out
18:46before they can think too much.
18:47How do you not allow glitter?
18:49You're a party venue.
18:50I just want a couple of handfuls
18:52for people to toss
18:53during our spotlight dance.
18:55Okay, so no glitter.
18:57Did our monogrammed cocktail stirrers
18:59with the little hearts,
19:00did they come in?
19:01No, no.
19:02They come with
19:03the Radiant Elegance Package.
19:06The Radiant Mystique Elegance Package?
19:09How much does that cost?
19:13Okay, let's do it.
19:15Such nonsense.
19:17I'm sorry to be taking
19:18all the attention away
19:19from your 40th birthday.
19:21Mom, I'm a 39.
19:22I was born on your first anniversary,
19:24not your wedding day.
19:2739?
19:29Of course you are.
19:30Hey, how are you guys
19:31enjoying the new guest suite?
19:33The garage?
19:34Yeah, once we unpacked the bag,
19:36stomped a few spiders,
19:37got the plastic tarp off the bed,
19:38it was real homey.
19:39Me and Dad did all the renovations.
19:41Your brother's become
19:41quite the handyman.
19:42Well, it is great.
19:44A heads up,
19:45the toilet wasn't connected.
19:46Would have been cool.
19:47You know,
19:47we could afford a motel.
19:49Absolutely not.
19:50We love having you here.
19:51Besides,
19:51you've got to save up some money
19:52until you get a solid job.
19:53Mom,
19:54I've been there 15 years.
19:55I'm senior management.
19:57I have 75 people under me.
19:58That's 75 people
19:59plotting to replace you.
20:01And you need to retie your bows.
20:03They need to be droopy.
20:04They droop?
20:05They need to droop languidly.
20:07Look at your father's.
20:08Your knots are too crisp.
20:10Use baby hands.
20:11Why don't you criticize his bows?
20:13Those aren't languid,
20:14they're turgid.
20:15Dad likes me better than you now.
20:17Did you ever talk to Maltham?
20:19No,
20:19we keep trading emails
20:20back and forth.
20:21I know he's doing good things,
20:22but he is going to
20:23work himself to death.
20:24I just got off the phone with him.
20:26He's not coming.
20:33Okay.
20:34We can do this.
20:34It's going to be great.
20:36Love you.
20:36Love you.
20:37Do you need to pee?
20:37No.
20:38Yes.
20:38No.
20:39No.
20:43Leah,
20:44we're here.
20:46Leah,
20:47this is Tristan.
20:50Hi.
20:52Hi,
20:53Leah.
20:59Good.
21:00We're easing in slowly.
21:01It's no rush.
21:06So,
21:07how much did he prep you?
21:13When you were four,
21:14you tried to scare Miss Rachel
21:15into canceling preschool
21:16by saying her mold
21:17didn't look right.
21:21You have to twist
21:22your hamburger bun
21:23exactly three times
21:24so the condiments
21:25smear evenly.
21:28You refused an award
21:29from the state
21:29Young Sciences Challenge
21:30because you thought
21:31it would make you
21:31a famous nerd.
21:33You love being
21:34a physical therapist,
21:35but you are grossed out
21:36when you have to touch
21:36old people.
21:38You fly into a spinning rage
21:39if you do Wordle
21:40in three.
21:41I do.
21:42Sometimes when you
21:43stand up too fast,
21:44you fart,
21:45and I have to ignore it.
21:47I do.
21:48You don't.
21:49Now,
21:50him.
21:51Has he ever told you
21:52about his
21:53reluctant move
21:54and apologies?
21:55Oh, my God.
21:56No.
21:56One time I found
21:57a notepad
21:57where he wrote
21:58assemblyman,
21:59congressman,
22:00lieutenant governor,
22:02and the thing
22:03with the actor sheet.
22:06Why?
22:08Why?
22:09I don't know.
22:10I've never been so happy
22:12to be humiliated
22:13in my life.
22:13It always does.
22:14This could be my family,
22:15my last checkbox.
22:17This is amazing.
22:18Malcolm,
22:18we are not doing this
22:20by email
22:21or text
22:22or over the phone
22:22or by Zoom.
22:23We are going to talk about it.
22:25No matter what
22:26you have to arrange,
22:27you are going to be
22:28at our anniversary
22:28with the rest of the family.
22:30Dad?
22:35You have a daughter?
22:38She's alive?
22:41What's happening?
22:47You made me do this!
22:49Malcolm,
22:49this family's
22:50non-stop
22:50anti-social behavior
22:51and mindless belligerence
22:53and myopic priorities
22:54are toxic to me!
22:55Every single bad thing
22:57that happened in my life
22:58is your fault!
22:59Getting away from you
23:00is how I finally
23:01stopped being
23:01such an asshole!
23:04Wait,
23:04so your biggest problem
23:07is that we exist?
23:17How are you?
23:18I don't know.
23:20How could you do this
23:21to your family?
23:22No, stop.
23:24You insisted on barging in
23:25on my home, okay?
23:27Without an invitation,
23:28so you can at least
23:28give me the courtesy
23:29to explain myself.
23:30Please, sit down.
23:53I'll be where we go.
23:55I'll chain the descendant.
23:57Listen I'm done and my
24:05Hope you found me.
24:08Sit down.
24:09Give me back.
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