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The Young Offenders S05E03 (2026) #SERIESHUB
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00:01There was an old wise man who I met in prison.
00:04Well, he couldn't be that wise because he was in prison.
00:06But he warned me that the hardest thing about being locked up
00:08isn't the thought of where you are, it's the thought of where you're not.
00:12It's knowing that life outside is continuing on without you.
00:15And that the girl of your dreams is now the girl of some other prick's dreams.
00:19Linda is getting married to Gavin fucking Madigan.
00:23But, after a lot of soul searching, I decided that I was going to be the bigger man.
00:28For better or worse, she was going to stay completely loyal and faithful to him
00:32for the rest of their entire life.
00:40Easy, mate. Looking good, kid.
00:42We hope it lashes rain on the way to the waiting.
00:44And that the whole place is flooded.
00:46Oh, yeah, well, I see what you're saying, didn't you?
00:48Then Gavin's driving along and his tire hits a puddle and he aquaplains.
00:52And he crashes and he's paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life.
00:55And he's to talk using one of those machines.
00:58I'm Gavin Madigan.
00:59It is nice to meet you.
01:01Jesus, buddy.
01:03It's a little bit dark, no?
01:05Oh, sorry.
01:05I thought that was the direction we were going.
01:07I hope he doesn't die, like, just gets bruised up a bit.
01:10You can draw the suit, son.
01:11Yeah, come on.
01:12Oh, look at you. Don't you look lovely.
01:19Oh, I need a hook.
01:21Oh, what's this?
01:23Oh, Connor, for God's sake.
01:25They must have forgotten to take the tag off in the shop.
01:28We bought it in.
01:29You're on probation.
01:30Do you want to go back to jail?
01:31No.
01:34What do we do?
01:35Go on, get the good scissors quickly.
01:42Do you think it's a good idea you go into this wedding today?
01:45Linda invited me, like, so...
01:46Look, hon, I know this is hard to hear, but...
01:49You will find your someone.
01:51What if I've already found my someone, but I'm not her someone?
02:00What's this, stolen goods?
02:01Jesus Christ, Tony, can you not be a guard for one day in your life?
02:04Mom and Healy were in that phase of their relationship all couples go through.
02:08Oh, I'll just go and see to know the soul, eh?
02:09The hating each other phase.
02:11Do you know what?
02:11That would be lovely.
02:12Because he probably wouldn't even recognise you at the moment.
02:14Healy was working a lot of triple overtime to pay for nappies and nipple cream.
02:18Alright, I'll just turn a blind eye to whatever it is I'm supposed to be turning a blind eye to,
02:22so will I?
02:23Jesus Christ.
02:23But deep down, love was still in the air.
02:26Wacker.
02:29Try that.
02:32Alright.
02:34Thanks, H.B.
02:34No, no, no, no...
02:36Caraces, not a second.
02:39What, what?
02:40Nothing...
02:48Is it noticeable?
02:49Eh, you'd have to be really looking for it.
02:52Yo, they're after leaving the security tag on the blazer.
02:55Oh, God's sake, they're after doing the same to mine, Jock.
02:58There might be something else, no.
03:00Hand it over, Jock.
03:01Thanks for being in my way, Jock.
03:03Here, I've got to head over to Siobhan's there.
03:05I want to see Starr in the flower girl costume.
03:08Is this one of your unsupervised access days?
03:10No, but something tells me Siobhan won't be ringing her solicitor today.
03:16You know what they say about weddings?
03:18No.
03:19What do you make women horny like?
03:22It's like they're doing nothing for me.
03:23Oh, fierce horny, Maria.
03:25Yeah, if I'm going to get back with Siobhan, this is my big chance,
03:28like, so wish me luck, yeah?
03:30Right, Jock.
03:30Go ahead.
03:31Good luck.
03:31Thanks.
03:32It's a randy day.
03:50Morning, girl.
03:59You need to go now.
04:01Control room.
04:02I have a, I have.
04:05Just the next day.
04:07You can't go down there, you need to go to the window.
04:09The window?
04:10Yeah.
04:11Are you clogging the hat?
04:13What's wrong?
04:14I'm from Ireland.
04:15I'm done.
04:15Okay, I'm going.
04:19I'm Fogarty.
04:27Handsome Dan, the painter man.
04:28Yeah, boy, I'm telling you.
04:29Are you sure?
04:30What do you mean, boy?
04:31Should I know, I know his arse as well as I know my own face?
04:35Handsome once posed for an ad for hemorrhoid cream.
04:37The billboard company went bust, which meant the poster stayed up for three years
04:41and became one of Cork's biggest tourist attractions.
04:44Fair play it for, Lee.
04:45What are you on about, Cork?
04:47His name is Handsome Dan, Jock.
04:49He's gorgeous.
04:50Why, you're not getting what I'm telling you.
04:52If she's shagging Handsome Dan the night before her wedding,
04:55it means she obviously doesn't want to marry Gavin Madigan.
04:57It's a proxy ride.
05:00Proxy ride?
05:00A proxy ride, okay?
05:02Yeah, sure.
05:03She might have gotten up on Dan, but she was thinking about you by the whole time.
05:07Really?
05:11She's thinking about me?
05:12Yes, you, boy.
05:13She's still in love with you.
05:15This was going to be my last chance to win Linda back.
05:18And what's more of a romantic place to do it than a wedding?
05:21Her wedding.
05:22Half a sausage just to left your fork there, aren't I?
05:25Right, this sausage is going to sort me out now.
05:28Oh, she's sick of it.
05:29I'm done.
05:30Bart, take it away from me.
05:33Why'd you have that?
05:35Just to take her Auntie Linda into her dress.
05:37Don't want her tits spilling over when she's saying her I do's.
05:39Okay, girls, 40 minutes and we head to the church, eh?
05:42We're not going to the church, remember?
05:43You know what I mean.
05:45It's a great idea that Gavin's to have the wedding in the place where you two first met.
05:48He's too tight to spend his own money is what he's saying.
05:51Well, I think it's mad romantic.
05:53Let's try and get him even.
05:55I don't want one for mine.
05:56The other one in Charleville.
05:57I don't want one for mine.
06:03I don't want one for you.
06:19I don't want one for you.
06:24Conor has a question.
06:27Yeah, Conor has a...
06:28I just want to ask, did you have sex with Linda Walsh last night at the inn?
06:32Yeah.
06:32My no, lads.
06:33Know yourselves, a gentleman never tells.
06:36Yeah, but if you did sleep with her, I just want you to know she was probably thinking of someone
06:40else the whole time.
06:42Now that you say it, she actually did keep shouting out some other lads' name the whole night.
06:46Well, you should have heard her.
06:48She was all...
06:49Oh!
06:51Oh, Jesus Christ!
06:52Oh, Jesus Christ!
06:54Oh, Jesus Christ!
06:56Look, whatever happened between you and Linda, all right?
06:58She didn't love her kind, all right?
07:00And now she's going to marry some other fella.
07:02All right, cool.
07:03So watch out with me, lad.
07:04We want you to come to the wedding and tell Gavin Madigan that you slept with Linda.
07:08What, humiliate her?
07:09Yeah.
07:09Yeah.
07:09In front of all of her friends and family?
07:11Yeah, if you don't mind.
07:13Do you think we should be ashamed of ourselves?
07:14Yeah.
07:15The answer is no.
07:16Let's get lost.
07:18I hate to admit it, but maybe Hanson was right.
07:21He was more than just a six-pack and a cute ass.
07:25Can all wedding guests please be seated in the assembly hall?
07:29I'm going to get married at school.
07:32Cheapest thing I've ever heard in my life.
07:33It's all garbamatic.
07:35It was time to bow out grace for you.
07:41It's what about a man won in the end, huh?
07:43It's not a competition, Lee.
07:44Of course it was a competition.
07:45And I wiped your eye for you.
07:49A wedding doesn't count if it's in a school.
07:52I think that's actually true, you know.
07:54Would you look at the state of them?
07:58Would you stop being such a snob?
08:00It's amazing what you can find in a charity shop if you're not fussy.
08:05One sec.
08:08Why, Harliel.
08:10Like your eye.
08:13Siobhan would like you to sit next to her for the mass.
08:16Really?
08:17What about...
08:18Don't mind what Barry thinks.
08:21As Linda said, you're star's daddy.
08:23Which makes you friendly.
08:25Yeah.
08:26Oh, thanks.
08:27Man.
08:28All right, con.
08:29Smile wouldn't kill you.
08:31Yeah.
08:31I don't want you to have a horny day.
08:39The rumour is this could be Father Rooney's last mass.
08:43Supposed to be going through a crisis of faith.
08:46Yeah.
08:47Everything all right, Linda?
08:48Yeah.
08:50You're not thinking of jilting him at the altar, are you?
08:52It's just, you know, the reception's after costing me a fortune.
08:55Dad!
08:55It was a joke.
08:59He's a good man, Linda.
09:01Solid, you know.
09:03And the best thing about marrying a teacher, as your mother knows well,
09:06you can't be sacked.
09:08No matter how bad you are at your job.
09:11You know the way you love them spring rolls from the paddy field above the bishops town?
09:14Yeah.
09:15Well, there's nothing wrong with not wanting those spring rolls every night for the rest of your life.
09:19What?
09:20You've lost us.
09:21Last night, you fancied the spring rolls from Walk This Way in Tokar.
09:26And there's no shame in that.
09:28I'm going to be sick.
09:30I'm going to get sick.
09:31Listen.
09:36Siobhan, the caterer said the money is non-refundable.
09:39Piss off, guys!
09:41I'm good.
09:43I'm good.
09:44I'm fine.
09:46I'm fine.
09:47I'm fine.
09:47I'm fine.
09:48I'm fine.
10:01I'm fine.
10:30I'm fine.
10:31I think we're going to have to cancel this wedding.
10:34And how do you suppose we do that, Billy?
10:36We suppose we could drag Handsome Diamond here and he can confess in front of the whole congregation.
10:40I tried that.
10:41He said no.
10:42I asked.
10:43That's your big mistake.
10:44You asked him.
10:46Are you okay?
10:48No, Billy.
10:49I'm really sorry.
10:50Okay.
10:52God, he is so intense.
10:55I just don't want to hurt Gavin's feelings.
10:57That's the worst reason to get married.
11:00Especially when it's stopping you from getting what your heart really wants.
11:03He's a good person, Siobhan.
11:04If he's a good person, he'll understand that you want to go back to your first love.
11:10You heard what that said.
11:12Everything's paid for now.
11:14Sarah, you ready to be a flower girl?
11:17Yay!
11:31We would have been on time if you hadn't stopped at every orange light.
11:35I'm on time.
11:36We're here before the break.
11:37Oh, yeah.
11:37Well, thanks to you.
11:39I can't believe you got overtaken by a mobility scooter.
11:42Could you maybe stop him crying?
11:44Oh, but I switch him to flight mode, will I?
11:46Just take him outside.
11:46Oh, maybe you should take him outside.
11:48Oh, Jesus.
11:58In you, Pop.
12:00Please, what do you mean?
12:01Look, I'm not going to hurt you.
12:03Fingers crossed.
12:04I'm just going to bring you to this wedding, and you're going to tell everyone how you rode the bride
12:08last night.
12:10All right, just mind my ass going in.
12:11It's the money maker, all right?
12:13You're not claustrophobic, are you?
12:15No.
12:15No?
12:16Oh, you might be after this.
12:20Do you notice they all have the same tash?
12:23Yeah.
12:24They're like the three musketeers.
12:26Except there's four.
12:27Oh, he's coming.
12:31Can we have a quick chat?
12:34A quick chat?
12:35A bit of work?
12:38Somewhere in private.
12:51Listen.
12:55I want to say I'm sorry.
12:58For being such an asshole to you just now.
13:01Is this some sort of joke, like?
13:03I was standing on the altar and it dawned on me that.
13:07I should be thanking you.
13:09For why?
13:11Because you'll be something I'll never be.
13:14It's Linda's first love.
13:17And you know, she said to me, she wouldn't have fell in love with me if you didn't teach her
13:22to love in the first place.
13:24Linda, Linda said that.
13:27Would you do me a favor?
13:31Would you do the readings for us?
13:35I know I mean a lot to Linda.
13:42Garvin, the whole thing.
13:46For the second time that day, I realized that humiliating Linda in front of her family and friends might not
13:52be the right thing to do.
13:53Billy, I changed my mind.
13:58Careful now, I don't want to hurt you.
14:00Whoa, here we go.
14:03I'll tell you something.
14:04You're going to get your steps in today.
14:06Yeah.
14:17That's a really long car.
14:22What's that, Rose?
14:23It's great.
14:25She's here.
14:28It's going to be okay.
14:33Oh, Jesus Christ.
14:45And remember, at least any of us deserve us to be happy.
14:48Thanks, Ron.
14:54Come on.
15:04Are they going to do community netties?
15:07No.
15:08What?
15:08Wait.
15:10I'll agree.
15:15I'm sorry.
15:17Oh, she's so great.
15:26Wait.
15:33One.
15:33I know.
15:36The way to school, I tried to meet you.
15:40Your father used to talk you off.
15:57I know you're not used to me giving you advice, but you found your someone.
16:05I don't want you to mess it up like I did.
16:10You should go get him.
16:13Not now.
16:15Go after him.
16:18We're gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Gavin Madigan and Linda Walsh.
16:25Yeah, first reading.
16:27Who is for the first reading?
16:31First reading. Thank you.
16:34Connor.
16:35Is it Connor? Are we Connor?
16:37Are you the first reading?
16:39Yeah, Connor.
16:41And then...
16:41Go on.
16:42Go on.
16:43What's yours?
16:44There you go.
16:45Yeah.
16:55Sorry, I'm not going to read the whole thing.
16:59Okay.
17:01Hey, Linda said you have a mickey on your leg.
17:04I can't park it on polos.
17:10And...
17:11Can you please get a move on?
17:13I'm playing golf at three.
17:14Public speaking isn't my strong point.
17:15But I was going to nail this.
17:17For Linda.
17:18Your first reading?
17:20A reading from a book of...
17:23Sorry.
17:24The book.
17:24What's wrong with ya?
17:26Come on, guy.
17:27You can't read, is it?
17:27I can read.
17:28I'm just a bit dyslexy.
17:29Well, just make it up and say anything.
17:34Do I speak with the tongues of men and of angels?
17:40Angels.
17:41Oh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
17:45Eh, but have not love.
17:47I have become brass and a resounding gong.
17:55He's resounding gong all right.
18:04Kevin.
18:05What?
18:07Linda, I'm sorry.
18:08I wanted to be happy for Linda.
18:10But I can get a bit hormonal at weddings.
18:12And I have the tendency to mess with my decision-making process.
18:15But fuck it.
18:16Back to the old plan.
18:17Sock me now, there's gonna be an answer from you.
18:20One for me.
18:21One for me.
18:22Oh.
18:24Hello.
18:24Connor.
18:25Billy.
18:26I changed my mind again.
18:28Okay.
18:29Operation Handsome Hand Grenade is a go-go.
18:32No, no, no, no.
18:33Every other hour that I spend with you is not the least.
18:36It's sad.
18:38Why, the opposite in that, the name you don't believe me is the proof.
18:42Ask me if I can, they'll say aye.
18:44What?
18:44I do.
18:45Dang, dang, dang.
18:47Change your plan.
18:49Mind your head.
18:51And now, before Gavin and Linda make their solemn commitment to each other,
18:55they've written their own vows.
18:57Which they're now going to recite to each other.
19:00The mind of my phone.
19:01Brilliant.
19:04Shit.
19:05What?
19:06It's asking for a software update.
19:08Matt's saying yes.
19:09Why didn't you just print them out?
19:11I don't know.
19:12You know the one always saying we're living in a pain for this world.
19:15Do you not like, I don't know, remember them?
19:19Three guesses as to who's singing this.
19:22I don't know, August.
19:23No.
19:24Your man.
19:25No.
19:26Go on, have another guess.
19:27Is it Daniel actually?
19:28Gilbert O'Sullivan.
19:30He's actually from Waterford.
19:32From me.
19:32What could it be?
19:34Woo!
19:35That's matrimony.
19:38Won't take long.
19:41Look, it's initialising.
19:46Where's Billy?
19:49Look at this prick with ears.
19:52There's nobody on the road.
19:56Look.
19:57Come here.
19:58I've got somewhere I've got to be.
20:00Chop, chop.
20:00Alright, lad.
20:01I'm only messing with you.
20:02Go on.
20:03Go ahead.
20:03In your own time.
20:09I'm sorry about this.
20:11It took me hours to write them.
20:13And there's a little bit of something in there for everyone.
20:16Cries.
20:17Laughters.
20:18Zero car chases, sir.
20:20Well, we're all on tender hooks, I'm sure.
20:23It's 80%.
20:24You'll be caught in the cake when we get there.
20:26Shut up, you!
20:29Steve McQueen.
20:30Fuck.
20:32Alright, tell your therapist I say hello!
20:35What's happening, Shakespeare?
20:37It's the Wheel of Death.
20:38I think it's frozen.
20:40We're gonna leave the vows.
20:42Well, that's ruined everyone's day, I'm sure.
20:44Right, let's zip through this.
20:46Gavin, Jimmy, Barry, Mannigan, do you take Linda, Anastasia, Walsh to be your lawfully wedded wife, sickness and health, up
20:52and down, deathly apart?
20:54I do.
20:54Linda, do you take Gavin, lawfully wedded husband, sickness and health, rest your days?
20:59I...
21:05I...
21:06So, yes.
21:08Stop this travesty!
21:12When I saw Linda's face, I realized the desperate lengths that love had driven me to.
21:17Oh, mother of God, who's this now?
21:20It's Dan Fogarty!
21:23He's a good-looking fella, isn't he?
21:25Yeah.
21:25Yeah, and he's got something to tell you.
21:28Wait, wait, wait, wait!
21:31And...
21:32Dan, you can go home.
21:34Yeah.
21:34But I brought him for you, Conn.
21:36Are you the fella from the poster?
21:37What is he doing here?
21:39He had sex with the bride last night.
21:42He what?
21:43Fuck.
21:45No, he didn't!
21:47Sure, how could he?
21:48He was with me, all night.
21:51Oh, my God, playing cards, like, here.
21:54You don't have to lie for me, Conn.
21:57I'm so sorry, Kevin.
21:59Was it the full ride?
22:01Because I'm over the brach and I can forgive.
22:03I don't want your forgiveness.
22:06I...
22:07I don't want to marry you.
22:12I thought I did, but then I realized I wasn't being true to myself.
22:16And what I want more than anything in this whole world...
22:19is to be with my first true love.
22:24I'm not talking about that fucking lang ball, are you?
22:27I am.
22:28Dolphins.
22:30Dolphins?
22:31Yeah.
22:32I want to go to UCC and study marine science.
22:35How are you going to say me there, Linda?
22:37Then I'm going to work with an NGO and clear all the plastic from the Pacific Ocean.
22:41You really thought you were going to say me?
22:42I'm sorry.
22:44To both of you.
22:46But you're holding me back.
22:49Did anyone else think she was going to say me?
22:51Ah, right.
22:52Well, I'm teeing off at 3.30.
22:53Good luck.
22:56Sorry.
23:02Well...
23:03It's the software update finished.
23:05You shouldn't even worry about the nice things that I had to say,
23:08because...
23:09It would be wasted on someone like you.
23:13They were all wrote by ChatGPT anyway.
23:23Hey.
23:31Look, I know you've been working really hard and...
23:33Yeah, to provide for our child's future.
23:35I know, but I'm saying you don't have to.
23:37I've already raised a son.
23:38I did it by myself without a penny to my name.
23:40He turned out all right, didn't he?
23:42Yeah, is that the one who's just done three years in prison?
23:44Yeah, that's a fair point.
23:48Look, all I'm saying is, what kind of future is our little boy going to have
23:51if his mother and father are strangers to each other?
23:55Yeah, I suppose it is a bit early to start thinking about which college to send him to.
24:01Keep him alive, show him love, that's the job.
24:03Everything else you just make up as you go along.
24:14Are we going to this wedding then?
24:16Oh, the wedding's off.
24:18It's off?
24:19Long story.
24:22Maybe you and me could go home while he's asleep.
24:27I guess it's true what they say about weddings.
24:34Eh?
24:40This is your fucking fault.
24:41Will ya? Who's my fault?
24:43You're the one that told Billy to put an answer to the church.
24:45To the church? Boy, that's hardly a church.
24:46You were too stingy to have fought real with.
24:49Ah, she was out of your league anyway.
24:51I love you, Linda!
24:52I love you more!
24:58Out of his league, is it?
24:59Well, it's true.
25:00Hasn't he got a good job and isn't a permanent and pensionable?
25:03We pay for half of this wedding, alright?
25:04Oh, and you can sing for us.
25:06Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
25:06Claddle him back!
25:08Oh!
25:09Claddle him back!
25:09Being married to a school teacher isn't the end of everyone's rainbow, you know?
25:13Well, neither has being married to a slapper!
25:16Yes!
25:17You're never going to get married again, boy!
25:18I'll get married to myself!
25:19Yeah, is that right?
25:20Yeah?
25:20What?
25:21That would you like, huh?
25:23Yeah...
25:24You sound as good!
25:28Huh?
25:28I'll never go in with you!
25:32I'll never go in with you!
25:33I felt a shame.
25:33Come, let's go in!
25:34Stop, wait, put up.
25:36Get some things!
25:38Hey...
25:39I'm not my legend!
25:41Oh my gosh!
25:42I've never got...
25:43What the hell are you falling in my dick?
25:45I'm going to go in my box!
25:48What's this?
25:50What's this?
25:53Okay.
25:54Okay.
25:56I'm going to go in.
25:57I'm going to go in.
25:58I'm going to go in.
26:00I'm going to go in.
26:03I'm going to go in.
26:05We're going to go in.
26:07Keep playing for crack with a kick like that.
26:10Come in and fuck that one.
26:12I'm going to go in.
26:13I'm going to go in.
26:18In the end, no one got what they wanted.
26:21Except for Linda.
26:22And she won.
26:24The day didn't turn out the way any of us imagined it would.
26:27Except Jock was right what he said.
26:30Weddings really do make women horny.
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