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Malcolm In The Middle S01E01 (2026)
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00:02I really appreciate the opportunity. Everyone in my class was after this internship. I fought
00:07tooth and nail for it. No problem. We are glad to have you. So what do you guys do? Well,
00:13we install
00:14computer systems in grocery store chains and food manufacturers to align their inventory software
00:19with food banks and shelters all across the country. So instead of unused food getting
00:23dumped, it goes to people who actually need it. Got it. And what is a food bank? Maybe
00:30watch our video a few more times. Yeah, I look different. But hey, everything about me is
00:40different. I'm happy. I'm successful. I've learned to work productively with idiots. My
00:46life is fantastic now. You want to know how I did it? All I had to do is stay completely
00:53away from my family. You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out. These things
01:12have lasted for six months. You know, I can call back later. Come on, Dewey. You've seen
01:15this like a thousand times. It's just a normal human body doing normal human behavior. Undergrowth.
01:23How's the concert tour? It's fine. But I'm really sorry I'm not going to make your anniversary
01:28party. I'm sad too, but you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty. I mean, what if
01:33Carl Gustav wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something? Is Jamie going to make it?
01:36I think so. He put in for a leave. Towel. Towel. Towel. Trauma averted. Thank you.
01:44Okay, let's tidy up. Hey, Dewey. Hi, Kelly. How's school? Beneath me. How's Sonia? Oh,
01:49it's not Sonia anymore. It's Lisbon. No, Annette. Anyway, she's good. We're really connecting.
01:55We're going to go shopping later. Do them want to come?
01:59Him can't come with we. Us has homework. Hey, he's trying. Don't mock him for it.
02:04I'm not afraid of you. I get good grades. I help around the house. I'm your only kid
02:09without a file at the police station. I'm untouchable. Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill you
02:13to tell your father you loved him every once in a while. I love you. Well, that just sounds
02:18sarcastic. I love you. Now you sound annoyed.
02:22What can I do? It's your timbre. I love you. I love you. I love you. The middle one was
02:28nice.
02:28Thank you. So back in college, I completely turned my life around because I realized the
02:36less contact I have with my family, the less I act like a sociopath. I've become more patient,
02:42less angry, way more mature. Anytime I am around them, it takes me like two seconds to revert.
02:49For crying out loud, I speak fluent Spanish. I know how to say quesadilla.
02:52I don't know. It sounded like you said quesadilla. Oh, no. You're like quesadilla.
02:57Siempre hacen esto. Intentan corregir a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada.
03:02Say exactamente cómo van a enseñar quesadilla. Quesadilla.
03:05That's it. That's it. That's it. That's what he said.
03:06That's what he said. Quesadilla.
03:13Grandma's television was plasma. I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her,
03:17and it was obvious for the rich, deep black. You're insane. She bought that TV in 2015.
03:21All right? There we got four array LEDs with the same picture quality for a quarter of the price.
03:27It's not showing off. It's completely sensible, mid-price to damn.
03:31Why don't you just admit you're stuck up and shoving your shiny new car in my face to make me
03:34feel bad.
03:35Is this stuck up? Is this showing off? Is this me trying to make you feel bad?
03:42It's not them. It's me. Being around them.
03:46So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact.
03:49My house is a two-layover flight for many one.
03:52I'm always swamped with work on holidays.
03:54But I also create the illusion of closeness with effusive emails and phone calls and birthday cards,
04:00saying how much I miss them and I can't wait to see them.
04:02It's really important to me not to hurt their feelings.
04:05Because then they'll make me talk to them about it face to face.
04:09Welcome to Huge Mart, where our deals are...
04:11You're still near the 200-pack of votive candles and 1,000 feet of ruby tassel garland.
04:15Oh, there's gold.
04:16No, 40th anniversary's ruby, not gold.
04:19Get in the game, Hal.
04:20Hey, lovebirds.
04:22I hid your mini disco balls.
04:24Thank you, Craig.
04:25They're in the clone aisle behind my signature set.
04:30Which is...
04:30Suave Sauvage, for him.
04:33Already got it.
04:35So, how do you like the new job?
04:37Well, my heart belongs to Lucky Aid,
04:39but after they denied my promotion in that mysterious, untraceable fire,
04:43I'm glad I found a new home.
04:45Lois, come quick.
04:46It's that famous celebrity you like.
04:49It's the St. Trump Street.
04:50My answer to the street.
04:51Oh, no.
04:51Shh.
04:52Right.
04:54Oh, yeah, yeah.
04:55Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:59Never had much faith in love for miracles.
05:05Never want to put my heart on the line.
05:11But swimming in your water is something spiritual.
05:16Spiritual.
05:18I'm born again every time you spend the night.
05:23Cause your sex takes me to paradise.
05:27And it shows.
05:30Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:33Cause you make me feel like
05:36I've been locked out of heaven
05:38For too long.
05:42For too long.
05:46For too long.
05:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:53Can I just stay here?
05:55Spend the rest of my days here.
05:58Cause your sex takes me to paradise.
06:02Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:04Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:08Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:11Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:15Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:17Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:17Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:19Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:20Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:30Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:33it. It was lovely.
06:34Hal, thank you. Well, it was just a little weird
06:37two weeks before the anniversary. No!
06:39Before or after the party.
06:40We agreed. You can do anything you want
06:43as often as you want, before
06:45or after. The actual anniversary day
06:47is mine. You promise. Under duress?
06:49I'll promise anything when you
06:51do the thing.
06:53Hal, for 39 years of anniversaries and
06:55birthdays and really every
06:56celebration, you do the most
06:58wonderful, romantic, amazing
07:00grand gestures. The fireworks display?
07:03Releasing those doves?
07:05That should have been done outside
07:06and away from the fam. And now this once,
07:09I want to be the one deciding how
07:11we celebrate and not have
07:12your plans just happen
07:15to me.
07:17Why don't you play with your friends
07:19while I finish up?
07:22She makes it seem
07:23like every little romantic gesture
07:25I've ever made is crazy.
07:28No, no.
07:29It won't hurt to let Lois do it
07:31exactly the way she wants to for one.
07:32Oh, so I just sit back, do nothing
07:34like I don't even love her?
07:35No, no, no. Not on my watch.
07:36Hal, please. You're the only one
07:38of us still married. Do not
07:40give a promise to that woman.
07:41I would never.
07:43Lois gets her day.
07:45But until then,
07:46every moment of every day, I will show
07:48her so much love, she will run
07:49screaming at the sight of me.
08:04Nice, right?
08:05And this isn't even the best thing.
08:07The best thing.
08:08The best thing in the whole world
08:10is who's inside it.
08:11My daughter, Leah.
08:12She's kind of a trophy I won in college
08:14for attending my first kegger.
08:15She hates that joke.
08:19Her mother, Dreamer.
08:21Yes, her name is Dreamer.
08:23Ran off three days after giving birth,
08:24so single father.
08:26But I'm good at it.
08:27I just imagine what my parents would do
08:29and do the exact opposite.
08:31It's not that hard.
08:35I won't make it worse.
08:37I won't make it worse.
08:41Just so you know,
08:42I don't cry like this all the time.
08:44I also do depressed apathy,
08:47paralyzed embarrassment,
08:48and impotent fury.
08:51It's a rich inner life.
08:54Sweetie, what's wrong?
08:55Allison Gibb got invited me
08:56to her birthday party.
08:59Why is that sad?
09:01You want the list?
09:02Allison and her friends
09:03did this as a joke.
09:04They know I know
09:05they don't want me to go.
09:06If I do go,
09:07they'll freeze me out
09:08until I burst into tears
09:09and Daddy comes to get me,
09:10which is what they really want.
09:11I'm completely isolated at school.
09:13I've never had any friends.
09:15And my personality,
09:16by which I mean your personality,
09:18makes it impossible
09:19for me to ever have any.
09:22Okay, well,
09:23do you want my list?
09:24You're intelligent.
09:25You're beautiful
09:26and hardworking
09:27and incredibly perceptive.
09:28Yeah, thanks for that, too.
09:29That's how I notice
09:31every smirk
09:32and slight
09:33and microscopic eye roll
09:34aimed at me
09:34since first grade.
09:36Why'd you have to be
09:36so gentle with me growing up?
09:37I have no armor!
09:39Leah, look,
09:39I am so sorry
09:41you're going through this,
09:42but I promise
09:43it'll get better.
09:44It got so much better for me
09:46once I went off to college,
09:47so that's less than a...
09:49a decade.
09:52It's actually worse
09:53when he tries hard.
09:56Why'd that make you nervous?
09:58What?
09:58Your phone.
09:59Why did that call
10:00make you nervous?
10:01I'm not nervous.
10:02It was just work
10:03and we're talking.
10:04Maybe my concern
10:05for how upset you are
10:06is coming across as nervous.
10:08And why do you keep it
10:08so hot in here?
10:10I want to be alone now anyway.
10:12Okay.
10:13I'm not going to smother you.
10:15But I'm here for you.
10:16Like always.
10:18I love you.
10:19Really love you.
10:23Love you so much.
10:29Malcolm,
10:29I need you to call me back today
10:30about our anniversary.
10:31We have to know
10:32when you're coming.
10:33And we know you're coming
10:34because you would never be
10:34that monstrously inconsiderate.
10:36Love you.
10:38I didn't answer
10:39Dad's voicemail yesterday,
10:40so I knew
10:41it would escalate to Mom.
10:42I heard work the email.
10:43Sorry,
10:44I was in emergency meetings
10:45till late
10:45and I just heard your voicemail.
10:46I schedule that to send
10:47at 2.16 a.m.
10:49That way,
10:49I look considerate
10:50for emailing
10:51instead of calling her back.
10:52Trust me,
10:53she'll check the timestamp.
10:54I have to set up
10:55six more food banks this month,
10:56but barring a crisis,
10:57I'll be there.
10:59That's what's great
10:59about running a charity.
11:01Anything I say is a crisis
11:02is a crisis
11:04for charity.
11:07I scored the cut
11:08and I'm dry-fitted twice,
11:09so now I go to the down.
11:10Perfect.
11:11This is so easy.
11:12I had no idea.
11:13I can't wait
11:14to start the gazebo next week.
11:15You know,
11:15Reese,
11:16doing these projects
11:18together every weekend,
11:20I love it more than anything.
11:21Me too.
11:22I have to confess, though,
11:24that this floor was fine.
11:27You don't actually have to
11:29rotate floor tiles
11:31every six months.
11:32I know.
11:33You do?
11:34But almost every job
11:35we've done,
11:36the car,
11:37the backyard irrigation,
11:38the washing machine,
11:39they didn't need
11:40to be done either.
11:41It's my favorite thing
11:41to do anyway.
11:42I'm spending a lot of money
11:44fixing things
11:45that don't need fixing.
11:48And since
11:48this is really
11:50just about us
11:50spending time together,
11:52maybe we can do
11:53jigsaw puzzles.
11:54No!
11:54I know how to do puzzles.
11:56You steal one piece,
11:57so you're the only one
11:58that can finish it.
11:59We have to be building
12:00or fixing things.
12:01John, whoa!
12:02What's going on?
12:05Dad,
12:06have you ever heard
12:07of a metaphor?
12:11Yes, Rhys.
12:12We all know my life sucks.
12:14I ruin my job,
12:16my marriages.
12:17I don't really have
12:19any friends.
12:20That's not the metaphor yet.
12:22Ready?
12:23Things like
12:24gluing these tiles
12:24so they fit together perfectly
12:26is a metaphor for me
12:27fitting in with people.
12:29And these tools
12:30are a metaphor for you
12:32and all the things
12:34in life you're teaching me.
12:36Dad,
12:36you're a tool.
12:38A tool to help me
12:39build my life back.
12:42I will always be your tool.
12:48You know what's great
12:49about going to a fancy
12:50private high school?
12:53Nothing.
12:54It was the same
12:54emotional shithole
12:55as every other high school.
12:58Leah!
13:00Hi, Allison.
13:00Did you get my invitation?
13:02It's going to be really fun.
13:03Dad got an aura camera.
13:04I did.
13:05Thanks.
13:06Great.
13:06See you there.
13:18Leah?
13:19Oh, hey, Cheyenne.
13:20I couldn't finish
13:21my math homework.
13:22Can you show me
13:22how to do a slope intercept?
13:24Of course.
13:25I don't mind at all.
13:26I'm always happy to help.
13:26You know, you don't have
13:27to panic about it.
13:28I wasn't panicking.
13:30Oh.
13:32It's just,
13:32I can see where you've
13:33been pulling out your hair.
13:35I'm not saying
13:36you pull out your hair.
13:36It's probably just ringworm.
13:38And that's easy to fix.
13:39Eight weeks of fungicide pills.
13:41Because it's not an actual
13:41worm inside your head.
13:42It's a fungus.
13:46Oh, God.
13:47What do I do?
13:48Make it seem like
13:49I was joking?
13:50All right.
13:56What is wrong with her?
13:58I'm really sorry
13:59about the whole thing.
14:00You othered Cheyenne
14:01in view of the peer group.
14:03Yeah, I knew I was
14:03upsetting her
14:04and I was trying to fix it.
14:05But I kept making it worse
14:07because right before,
14:08other girls hurt my feelings
14:09so I wasn't thinking clearly.
14:11I'm not blaming them.
14:12They can't help it.
14:13Robert Sapolsky
14:14has pretty compelling research
14:15that endorphin levels
14:16actually spike
14:17when members of an in-group
14:17exclude or attack
14:18members of an out-group.
14:19Or at least with chimpanzees.
14:25He's on YouTube.
14:35Once a week,
14:37he'll stand in the front yard
14:38shirtless and flex.
14:44Get ready.
14:45You're going to see
14:46something shocking.
14:48Hey!
14:49I'm proud of us.
14:50We actually got all the way
14:51to the bed
14:52before we went at it.
14:55Tristan,
14:56my girlfriend.
14:57I mean,
14:58it is so much more than that.
15:00She loves me.
15:01I know,
15:02it sounds like a lie to me too.
15:05Now,
15:06how was your day?
15:08It was good.
15:08We won the
15:09Grosvenor Innovation Grant.
15:11I beat an AI.
15:12Dude,
15:13you don't have to keep
15:14proving how smart you are.
15:15I really don't care.
15:16Oh,
15:17except for my taxes.
15:18That was awesome.
15:19So what do you care about?
15:21I care that you always
15:22listen to me
15:23and that you're supportive
15:25and that you keep
15:26your promises.
15:28And
15:29mostly I care that
15:30you understand
15:31in a deep
15:32and complete way
15:34who I am
15:36inside.
15:37And you love me anyway.
15:39And I am so grateful
15:40for that.
15:42Jesus,
15:43I thought we were
15:43just doing panther.
15:47I gotta get her on.
15:51She's gonna like me.
15:52Right?
15:53Are you kidding?
15:54Leah's gonna love you.
15:55You're as worried as I am.
15:56What makes you say that?
15:57Because you know
15:57that if she doesn't like me
15:59we can't
16:00move forward.
16:01I mean,
16:02eventually we'd have
16:03to break up.
16:03But I have so many plans
16:04to prevent that.
16:05Mutual interest outings,
16:07weekly kindness days,
16:08shared journaling.
16:09There's one
16:09where you hold on
16:10to the end of a yarn ball
16:11and you pass it back
16:12and forth to each other
16:13and you keep saying
16:14nice things
16:14and you keep throwing it
16:15until you guys are both
16:16tied up really tight
16:17together in the yarn.
16:20I'm betting on us.
16:22Look,
16:22you can make friends
16:23with anyone.
16:24I've seen it.
16:24And it's obvious
16:25how much we love each other.
16:26Leah's gonna see that
16:27and she's gonna want
16:27to be a part of it.
16:28I don't know.
16:29When I was her age
16:30I hated myself
16:31and everything
16:31in my field of vision.
16:32So shall I grow it?
16:33Can we wait for that?
16:35No.
16:36No.
16:37It is past time
16:38we did this.
16:39We're doing it.
16:40Okay.
16:41You're also honest
16:43and sincere
16:45and sensitive.
16:46Not to mention in bed
16:47the way you combine
16:50enthusiasm
16:50and startling
16:52physical strength
16:53with a clear understanding
16:55of nuance.
16:57Yeah.
16:57Okay.
16:59Tristan likes screens
17:00so maybe wear your chinos.
17:01She went to private school too
17:02so you can talk about that.
17:03And politics
17:04just makes her upset.
17:07Movies.
17:07She can talk about them
17:08all day
17:08but she loves rom-com
17:09so don't you say
17:10anything snotty.
17:11You can write this down
17:12if you want.
17:13I would
17:13but my pen is busy
17:14doing actual homework.
17:16Sweetie.
17:16So when do I yell
17:17I want my real mommy
17:18and run out in tears?
17:20I'll surprise you.
17:21Please.
17:22This is important to me.
17:23Dad.
17:23I get it.
17:24It's your only chance
17:25for love
17:25and I have complete control
17:27over your future happiness.
17:30Every parenting book
17:31says I shouldn't
17:32let you believe that.
17:37Kelly, where are you?
17:38What can I do?
17:39Are you okay?
17:39What's the matter?
17:40That I have to make up a lie
17:41to get my own brother
17:42to answer the phone.
17:43You have to promise me
17:44you'll come to mom
17:44and dad's anniversary.
17:45Kelly, I'm trying.
17:47Hey, listen to me.
17:48All they talk about
17:48is whether or not
17:49you'll be there.
17:50They're old, Malcolm.
17:51They could die any second.
17:53Decapitated in a car wreck.
17:54Slowly choking to death
17:55on a respirator
17:56from some lingering illness.
17:58Stabbed over and over
17:59by some drifter they took in.
18:01Clock is ticking, busy boy.
18:02You can do this for them.
18:03I am doing everything
18:04I can to be there
18:05but my charity
18:06just has me so busy all the time.
18:07So you can figure out
18:08all this advanced infrastructure
18:09for hundreds of charities
18:10and corporations
18:11but even after six months notice
18:12you can't plan half a day off?
18:15Wow, that's almost mom level.
18:17Okay, at their age
18:18they're a little self-righteous,
18:20simultaneously overconfident
18:21and insecure.
18:23Validate their intentions
18:23and blow some smoke.
18:25Look, I am glad
18:26that you see how important
18:27this is for mom and dad.
18:28They are lucky
18:28to have you looking out for them.
18:29Other kids your age
18:30aren't half as perceptive.
18:32What?
18:33I'm on the phone.
18:35Okay.
18:36I am so sorry
18:37but I do have to get back to work.
18:39But don't worry.
18:40I'm sure I can be there.
18:41Love you.
18:41Hey, Linda,
18:42can you print me that report?
18:44With that one,
18:45you gotta get in and out
18:46before they can think too much.
18:47How do you not allow glitter?
18:49You're a party venue.
18:50I just want a couple of handfuls
18:52for people to toss
18:53during our spotlight dance.
18:55Okay, so no glitter.
18:57Did our monogrammed cocktail stirrers
18:59with the little hearts,
19:00did they come in?
19:01No, no.
19:02They come with
19:03the Radiant Elegance Package.
19:06The Radiant Mystique Elegance Package?
19:09How much does that cost?
19:13Okay, let's do it.
19:15Such nonsense.
19:17I'm sorry to be taking
19:18all the attention away
19:19from your 40th birthday.
19:21Mom, I'm a 39.
19:22I was born on your first anniversary,
19:24not your wedding day.
19:2739?
19:29Of course you are.
19:30Hey, how are you guys
19:31enjoying the new guest suite?
19:33The garage?
19:34Yeah, once we unpacked the bag,
19:36stomped a few spiders,
19:37got the plastic tarp off the bed,
19:38it was real homey.
19:39Me and Dad did all the renovations.
19:41Your brother's become
19:41quite the handyman.
19:42Well, it is great.
19:43A heads up the toilet
19:45wasn't connected.
19:46Would have been cool.
19:47You know, we could afford a motel.
19:49Absolutely not.
19:50We love having you here.
19:51Besides, you've got to
19:52save up some money
19:52until you get a solid job.
19:53Mom, I've been there 15 years.
19:55I'm senior management.
19:57I have 75 people under me.
19:58That's 75 people
19:59plotting to replace you.
20:01And you need to retie your bows.
20:03They need to be droopy.
20:04They droop?
20:05They need to droop languidly.
20:07Look at your father's.
20:08Your knots are too crisp.
20:10Use baby hands.
20:11Why don't you criticize his bows?
20:13Those aren't languid.
20:14They're turgid.
20:15Dad likes me better than you now.
20:17Did you ever talk to Maltham?
20:19No.
20:19We keep trading emails
20:20back and forth.
20:21I know he's doing good things,
20:22but he is going to
20:23work himself to death.
20:24I just got off the phone with him.
20:27He's not coming.
20:33Okay.
20:34We can do this.
20:34It's going to be great.
20:36Love you.
20:36Love you.
20:37Do you need to pee?
20:37No.
20:38Yes.
20:38No.
20:42Leah, we're here.
20:46Leah, this is Tristan.
20:50Hi.
20:52Hi, Leah.
20:59Good.
20:59We're easing in slowly.
21:02There's no rush.
21:06So, how much did he prep you?
21:13When you were four,
21:14you tried to scare Miss Rachel
21:15into canceling preschool
21:16by saying her mold didn't look right.
21:21You have to twist your hamburger bun
21:23exactly three times
21:24so the condiments smear evenly.
21:27You refuse an award
21:29from the State Young Sciences Challenge
21:30because you thought
21:31it would make you a famous nerd.
21:33You love being a physical therapist,
21:35but you are grossed out
21:36when you have to touch old people.
21:38You fly into a spitting rage
21:39if you do Wordle in three.
21:41I do.
21:42Sometimes when you stand up too fast,
21:44you fart,
21:45and I have to ignore.
21:47I do.
21:48You go.
21:49Now him.
21:51Has he ever told you
21:52about his reluctant move
21:54in politics?
21:55Oh, my God.
21:56No.
21:56One time I found a notepad
21:57where he wrote,
21:58Assemblyman?
21:59Congressman?
22:00Lieutenant Governor?
22:02And the thing
22:03with the actor sheet?
22:06Why?
22:08I don't know.
22:10I've never been so happy
22:12to be humiliated in my life.
22:13He always does.
22:14This could be my family.
22:15My last checkbox.
22:17This is amazing.
22:18Malcolm,
22:19we are not doing this
22:20by email or text
22:22or over the phone
22:22or by Zoom.
22:23We are going to talk about it.
22:25No matter what you have to arrange,
22:27you are going to be
22:28at our anniversary
22:28with the rest of the family.
22:30Dad?
22:35You have a daughter?
22:37She's alive?
22:41What's happening?
22:47You made me do this!
22:49Malcolm,
22:49this family's non-stop
22:50anti-social behavior
22:51and mindless belligerence
22:53and myopic priorities
22:54are toxic to me!
22:56Every single bad thing
22:57that happened to my life
22:58is your fault!
22:59Getting away from you
23:00is how I finally
23:01stopped being
23:01such an asshole!
23:04Wait,
23:04so your biggest problem
23:07is that we exist?
23:16Thank you!
23:17Who are you?
23:18I don't know!
23:20How could you do this
23:21to your family?
23:22No, stop!
23:24You insisted on
23:25barging in on my home,
23:26okay?
23:27Without an invitation!
23:28So you can at least
23:28give me the courtesy
23:29to explain myself.
23:30Please,
23:31sit down!
23:33Sit down!
23:37Oh, my God!
23:44of God!
23:45Oh, my God!
24:02You just love me!
24:05Psy.
24:07Psy.
24:08Psy.
24:10Psy.
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