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The Young Offenders S05E03 (2026)
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00:01There was an old wise man who I met in prison.
00:03Well, he couldn't be that wise because he was in prison.
00:06But he warned me that the hardest thing about being locked up
00:08isn't the thought of where you are, it's the thought of where you're not.
00:12It's knowing that life outside is continuing on without you.
00:15And that the girl of your dreams is now the girl of some other prick's dreams.
00:19Linda is getting married to Gavin fucking Madigan.
00:23But, after a lot of soul searching, I decided that I was going to be the bigger man.
00:28For better or worse, she was going to stay completely loyal and faithful to him
00:32for the rest of their entire life.
00:40Easy, mate. Looking good, kid.
00:42I hope it lashes rain on the way to the waiting.
00:44And that the whole place is flooded.
00:46Oh, yeah, well, I see what you're saying.
00:48And then Gavin's driving along and his tire hits a puddle and he aquaplates.
00:52And he crashes and he's paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life.
00:55And he's to talk using one of those machines.
00:57Oh, I'm Gavin Madigan.
00:59And it's nice to meet you.
01:01Jesus, boy.
01:03It's a little bit dark, no?
01:04Oh, sorry.
01:05I thought that was the direction we were going.
01:07I hope he doesn't die, like, just gets bruised up a bit.
01:10Yeah, you can draw the suits on.
01:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:12Oh, look at you. Don't you look lovely?
01:19Oh, I need a hook.
01:21Oh, what's this?
01:23Oh, Connor, for God's sake.
01:25They must have forgotten to take the tag off in the shop.
01:28We boarded him.
01:29You're on probation.
01:30Do you want to go back to jail?
01:31No.
01:34What do we do?
01:35Go on, get the good scissors quickly.
01:42Do you think it's a good idea you go into this wedding today?
01:45Linda invited me, like, so...
01:46Look, hon, I know this is hard to hear, but...
01:49You will find your someone.
01:51What if I've already found my someone, but I'm not her someone?
01:59What's this, stolen goods?
02:01Jesus Christ, Tony.
02:02Can you not be a guard for one day in your life?
02:04Mom and Healy were in that phase of their relationship all couples go through.
02:08Oh, I'll just go and see the Noel's soul, eh?
02:09The hating each other phase.
02:11Do you know what?
02:11That would be lovely.
02:12Because he probably wouldn't even recognise you at the moment.
02:14Healy was working a lot of triple overtime to pay for nappies and nipple cream.
02:18Alright, I'll just turn a blind eye to whatever it is I'm supposed to be turning a blind eye to.
02:22So will I?
02:23Jesus Christ.
02:24But deep down, love was still in the air.
02:26Wanker.
02:29Try that.
02:33Right.
02:34Thanks, Leigh's bag.
02:35No, no, no.
02:36Claire, sit down for a second.
02:39What?
02:40Nothing.
02:48Is it noticeable?
02:49Eh, you'd have to be really looking for it.
02:52Yeah, they're after leaving the security tag on the blazer.
02:55Oh, God's sake.
02:56They're after doing the same to mine, Jack.
02:58There might be something else, no.
03:00Hand it over, Jack.
03:01Thanks for being in my head.
03:02Sure.
03:03Here, I've got to head over to Siobhan's there.
03:05I want to see Starr in the flower girl costume.
03:08Is this one of your unsupervised access days?
03:10No, but something tells me Siobhan won't be ringing her solicitor today.
03:15Well, you know what they say about weddings.
03:18No.
03:18Oh, they make women horny, Leigh.
03:22It seems like they're doing nothing for me.
03:23Oh, fierce horny, Mireille.
03:25Yeah.
03:26If I'm going to get back with Siobhan, this is my big chance, Leigh.
03:28So, so wish me luck, yeah?
03:30All right, Jack.
03:30Fine.
03:30Good luck.
03:31Thanks.
03:32It's a randy day.
03:42Oh.
03:50Morning, girl.
03:57Morning.
03:58Jeez.
03:59You need to go now.
04:01The trolls are in there.
04:02I have them.
04:03I have them.
04:04And just the next guy.
04:06What?
04:07You can't go down there.
04:08You need to go through the window.
04:09The window?
04:10Yeah.
04:11Have you found that?
04:13What's wrong with some form?
04:15I'm not.
04:15Okay, I'm going.
04:16Just look.
04:19I'm Fogarty.
04:21I'm Fogarty.
04:22I'm Fogarty.
04:26I'm the painter man.
04:28Yeah, but I'm telling you.
04:29You sure?
04:30What do you mean by?
04:31Should I know his arse as well as I know my own face?
04:35Handsome once posed for an ad for hemorrhoid cream.
04:37The billboard company went bust, which meant the poster stayed up for three years and became
04:41one of Cock's biggest tourist attractions.
04:44Fair play to her, Leigh.
04:45What are you on about, Con?
04:46His name is Handsome Dan, Jack.
04:49He's gorgeous.
04:50Aye, you're not getting what I'm telling you.
04:52If she's shagging Handsome Dan the night before her wedding, it means she obviously doesn't
04:56want to marry Gavin Madigan.
04:57It's a proxy ride.
04:59Proxy ride?
05:00A proxy ride.
05:02Okay?
05:02Yeah, sure.
05:03She might have gotten up and down, but she was thinking about you by the whole time.
05:07Really?
05:08Sure.
05:11She's thinking about me.
05:12Yes, you boy.
05:13She's still in love with you.
05:15This was going to be my last chance to win Linda back.
05:18And what's more of a romantic place to do it than a wedding.
05:21Her wedding.
05:22Half a sausage just left your fork there, aren't I?
05:25Right.
05:25This sausage is going to sort me out now.
05:29She's sick.
05:29I'm done.
05:30Bart, take it away from me.
05:31Whoa.
05:33Why'd you have that?
05:35It's to take her Auntie Linda into her dress.
05:37The one her tits spilling over when she's saying her I do's.
05:39Okay, girls.
05:4040 minutes and we head to the church yet?
05:42But we're not going to the church, remember?
05:44You know what I mean.
05:45It's a great idea Gavin's to have the wedding in the place where you two first met.
05:48He's too tight to spend his own money is what he's saying.
05:50Well, I think it's mad romantic.
05:52Let's try and get him even.
05:55I don't want one for mine.
05:56The other one in Charlevoix.
06:00Look at him.
06:05Time to him.
06:19You all right there lads, yeah?
06:21I don't know.
06:21I don't know.
06:21I have a question for you.
06:24Connor has a question.
06:26Your name?
06:27Yeah.
06:27Connor has a...
06:28I just want to ask.
06:29Did you have sex with Linda Walsh last night at the hen?
06:32Yeah.
06:32My now lads.
06:33Know yourselves.
06:34The gentleman never tells.
06:36Yeah, but if you did sleep with her.
06:38I just want you to know she was probably thinking of someone else the whole time.
06:41Yeah.
06:41Now that you say it, she actually did keep shouting out some other lads name the whole night.
06:46Well, you should have heard her.
06:48She was all...
06:49Oh!
06:50Oh, Jesus Christ!
06:52Oh, Jesus Christ!
06:56Look, whatever happened between you and Linda, all right?
06:58She didn't love her kind.
07:00All right?
07:00And now she's going to marry some other fella.
07:02All right.
07:02Cool.
07:03So what's up with me, Lloyd?
07:04We want you to come to the wedding and tell Gavin Madigan that you slept with Linda.
07:08What, and humiliate her?
07:09Yeah?
07:09Yeah.
07:09In front of all of her friends and family?
07:11Yeah, if you don't mind.
07:13Two of you should be ashamed of yourselves.
07:14Yeah.
07:15The answer's no.
07:16Get lost.
07:18I hate to admit it, but maybe Hanson was right.
07:21He was more than just a six pack and a cute ass.
07:25Come on, wedding guests, please be seated in the assembly hall.
07:29How do you get married at school?
07:32Cheapest thing I ever heard in my life.
07:33It's all garbage.
07:35It was time to bow out grace, Philip.
07:41What about a man won in the end, huh?
07:43It's not a competition, Lee.
07:44Of course it was a competition.
07:45And I wiped your eye for you.
07:49A wedding doesn't count if it's in a school.
07:52I think that's actually true, you know.
07:54Would you look at the state of them.
07:58Would you stop being such a snob?
08:01It's amazing what you can find in a charity shop if you're not fussy.
08:05One sec.
08:08Or I'll make your eye.
08:13Siobhan would like you to sit next to her for the mass.
08:16Really?
08:17What about...
08:18Don't mind what Barry thinks.
08:20As Linda said, you're a star's daddy.
08:23Which makes you friendly.
08:25Yeah.
08:26Ah, thanks.
08:27Man.
08:28All right, Con.
08:29A smile wouldn't kill you.
08:31I told you, a horny day.
08:39The rumour is this could be Father Rooney's last mass.
08:43Supposed to be going through a crisis of faith.
08:45Huh.
08:46Yeah.
08:47Everything all right, Linda?
08:48Yeah.
08:49You're not thinking of jilting him at the altar, are you?
08:52It's just, you know, the reception's after costing me a fortune.
08:54Dad!
08:55It was a joke.
08:56It was a joke.
08:59He's a good man, Linda.
09:01Solid, you know.
09:03And the best thing about marrying a teacher, as your mother knows well, you can't be sacked.
09:07No matter how bad you are at your job.
09:10You know the way you love them spring rolls from the paddy field above the bishops town?
09:14Yeah.
09:15Well, there's nothing wrong with not wanting those spring rolls every night for the rest of your life.
09:19What?
09:20Well, you've lost us.
09:21Last night?
09:22You fancied the spring rolls from Walk This Way in Tokar.
09:26And there's no shame in that.
09:28I'm gonna be sick.
09:30I'm gonna get sick.
09:36Siobhan, the caterer said the money is non-refundable.
09:39Piss off, guys!
09:41I'm good.
09:42I'm good.
09:44I'm fine.
09:46I'm fine.
09:47I'm fine.
09:47I'm fine.
09:49Oi.
09:50Try to control yourself when we're saying the vows.
09:53The last thing we need on video is to sound you blowing your eyes out.
09:57Billy thinks weddings are like funerals.
09:58You can just turn up, pay your specs, and get free booze and sandwiches.
10:04Billy.
10:05Why do you let him talk to you like that?
10:07I'm not letting him...
10:09It's his day, alright?
10:11Like he said, he won.
10:13Won?
10:13Is that what this is all about?
10:15Winning?
10:16I thought it was about love.
10:17Do you still love her?
10:19Of course I love her.
10:20And she doesn't love him.
10:23But she slept with handsome Dan Fogarty at the hen last night.
10:27She did what?
10:29Look, as much as I love a good vagabond, I think we're gonna have to cancel this wedding.
10:34And how do you suppose we do that, Billy?
10:36We suppose we could drag handsome Dan in here and he can confess in front of the whole congregation.
10:40I tried that.
10:41He said no.
10:42I asked.
10:42That's your big mistake.
10:44You asked him.
10:46Are you okay?
10:48No, Billy.
10:49I'm really sad.
10:50Okay.
10:53God, he is so intense.
10:55Just don't want to hurt Gavin's feelings.
10:57That's the worst reason to get married.
11:00Especially when it's stopping you from getting what your heart really wants.
11:02He's a good person, Siobhan.
11:04If he's a good person, he'll understand that you want to go back to your first love.
11:10You heard what Dan said.
11:12Everything is paid for now.
11:14Stan, you ready to be a flower girl?
11:17Yay!
11:31You would have been on time if you hadn't stopped at every orange light.
11:35I'm on time.
11:36We're here before the bride.
11:37Oh, yeah.
11:37Thanks to you.
11:39I can't believe you got overtaken by a mobility scooter.
11:42Could you maybe stop him crying?
11:44Oh, but I switch him to flight mode, will I?
11:45Just take him outside.
11:46Oh, maybe you should take him outside.
11:48Oh, Jesus.
11:58In you, Pop.
12:00Please, what me?
12:01Look, I'm not going to hurt you.
12:03Fingers crossed.
12:04I'm just going to bring you to this wedding and you're going to tell everyone how you rode the bride
12:08last night.
12:09Right, just mind my ass going in.
12:11It's the money maker, alright?
12:13You're not Blastrofoga, are you?
12:15No.
12:15No.
12:16You might be after this.
12:20Do you notice they all have the same tash?
12:23Yeah.
12:24They're like the three musketeers.
12:26Except there's four of them always coming.
12:31Can we have a quick chat?
12:34A quick chat?
12:35A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a
12:38-a-a-a-a-a-a?
12:58For being such an asshole to you just now.
13:01Is this some sort of joke like?
13:03I was standing on the altar and it dawned on me that I should be thanking you.
13:09For what?
13:11Because you'll be something I'll never be.
13:14It's Linda's first love.
13:17And you know, she said to me, she wouldn't have fell in love with me if you didn't teach her
13:22to love in the first place.
13:24Linda?
13:24Linda said that?
13:27Would you do me a favour?
13:31Would you do the readings for us?
13:35I know I mean a lot to Linda.
13:41Garveen.
13:43The whole thing.
13:46For the second time that day, I realised that humiliating Linda in front of her family and friends might not
13:52be the right thing to do.
13:53Lily, I changed my mind.
13:58Careful now, I don't want to hurt you.
14:00Whoa, here we go.
14:03I'll tell you something.
14:05You're going to get your steps in today.
14:17That's a really long car.
14:22What's that about?
14:24It's great.
14:25She's here.
14:28It's going to be okay.
14:30Oh, Jesus Christ.
14:44Please.
14:45And remember, the least any of us deserve is to be happy.
14:48Thanks, Sean.
14:54Come on.
14:54Come on.
15:04Are they going to a community like this?
15:07What?
15:08Wait.
15:10I'll greet you.
15:11First love stays with you forever.
15:15First love stays with you forever.
15:17Oh, so great.
15:18I'm beat like an earthly tremor
15:22Forever and ever
15:23First love's day with you forever
15:26Ever
15:35The way to school I tried to meet you
15:40Your father used to drop you off
15:44You'd step out of a red car, Gina
15:49You look so pretty on those winter mornings
15:53First love's day with you forever
15:56Ever
15:57I know you're not used to me giving you advice
16:01But you found your awesome wood
16:04I don't want you to mess it up like I did
16:10You should go get him
16:13Not now
16:15Go after him
16:18We're gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Gavin Madigan
16:22Linda Walsh
16:25Great
16:25Yeah, first reading
16:26Who is for the first reading
16:31First reading, thank you
16:33Connor
16:34Is it Connor?
16:36Are we Connor?
16:37Are you the first reading?
16:39Are we the first?
16:40Yeah, I know
16:40And then
16:41Come on
16:42Come on
16:44What's he doing?
16:44There he is
16:44Very good
16:45Yeah
16:47Yeah
16:48Lovely
16:50What's he doing here?
16:52There he is
16:55Sorry, I'm not going to read the whole thing
16:58There he is
16:59Okay
17:01Hey, Linda said you have a Mickey on you
17:03I can't park it on polos
17:10And can you please get a move on?
17:13I'm playing golf at three
17:13Public speaking isn't my strong point
17:15But I was going to nail this
17:17For Linda
17:17The first reading
17:20Reading from a book of
17:23Or, sorry
17:23The book
17:24What's wrong with you?
17:25Come on, guy
17:26You can't read, is it?
17:27I can read
17:28I'm just a bit dyslexic
17:29Or just make it up and say anything
17:34Do I speak
17:35With the tongues of men
17:39And of angels
17:41Angels
17:41Oh, eh
17:42Ain
17:42Dash
17:44Angels
17:45But have not love
17:47I have become
17:50Brass
17:52And a resounding
17:54Gong
17:55Resounding gong, alright
18:04Kevin
18:04What?
18:07Linda, I'm sorry
18:08I wanted to be happy for Linda
18:10But I can get a bit hormonal at weddings
18:12And I have the tendency to mess with my decision making process
18:15But fuck it
18:16Back to the old plan
18:17I'm sorry
18:18Now there's gonna be an answer from you
18:20And it's one for me
18:23Oh, hello
18:24Connor
18:24Billy
18:26I changed my mind again
18:27Okay
18:29Operation Handsome Hand Grenade is a go-go
18:32Oh, no, no, no
18:33Every other hour that I spend with you
18:36Is not the least
18:36It's sad
18:38Why is the opposite in that
18:39And if you don't believe me
18:41Here's the proof
18:41Ask me if I
18:43And they'll say I
18:45Dan, Dan, Dan
18:47Change your plan
18:48Wind your head
18:51And now before Gavin and Linda make their solemn commitment to each other
18:55They've written their own vows
18:56Which they're now going to recite to each other
19:00To mine on my phone
19:01Brilliant
19:04Shit
19:04What?
19:06It's asking for a software update
19:07I'm after saying yes
19:09Why don't you just print them out?
19:11I don't know
19:12You know the one I was saying we're living in a pain for this world
19:15Do you not like, I don't know, remember them?
19:19Three guesses as to who's singing this
19:21I don't know
19:22Is it Billy?
19:23No
19:23You're mad
19:24No
19:25Go on, have another guess
19:27Is it Daniel actually?
19:28Gilbert O'Sullivan
19:29He's actually from Waterford
19:32What could it be?
19:34Woo!
19:35That's matrimony
19:38Won't take long
19:40Look, it's initializing
19:42Yeah
19:46Where's Billy?
19:49Look at this prick with ears
19:52There's nobody on the road
19:56Look, come here
19:57I've got somewhere I've got to be
19:59Chop, chop
20:00Alright lad, I'm only messing with you
20:02Go on, go ahead
20:03In your own time
20:09I'm sorry about this
20:11It took me hours to ride him
20:13And there's a little bit of something in there for everyone
20:16Cries
20:17Laughters
20:18Is there a car chaser, sir?
20:20Well, we're all on tender hooks, I'm sure
20:22It's 80%
20:24You'll be caught in the cake with the time we get there
20:26Shut up, you
20:29Steve McQueen
20:30Fuck
20:32Alright, tell the turps I said hello
20:35What's happening, Shakespeare?
20:37It's the Wheel of Death
20:38I think it's frozen
20:39We're gonna leave the vows
20:41Well, that's ruined everyone's day, I'm sure
20:44Right, let's zip through this
20:45Right, Gavin, Jimmy, Barry, Madigan
20:48Do you take Linda Anastasia Walsh
20:50To be your lawfully wedded wife
20:51Sickness and health
20:52Up and down, deathly apart
20:53I do
20:54Great, Linda, do you take Gavin
20:55Lawfully wedded husband
20:56Sickness and health
20:57Rest your days
21:03I
21:04I
21:04I
21:05I
21:06So, yes
21:08Stop this travesty
21:12When I saw Linda's face, I realised the desperate lengths that love had driven me to
21:17Oh, mother of God, who's this now?
21:20It's Dan Fogarty
21:23He's a good-looking fella, isn't he?
21:25Yeah
21:25Yeah, and he's got something to tell you
21:27Wait, wait, wait, wait
21:30Hey
21:32Dan, you can go home
21:34Yeah
21:34But I've brought him for you, Con
21:36Are you the fella from the poster?
21:37What is he doing here?
21:39He had sex with the bride last night
21:42He what?
21:43Fuck
21:45No, he didn't
21:46No, he didn't
21:47Sure, how could he?
21:48He was with me
21:49All night
21:52Playing cards
21:53Like, here
21:54You don't have to lie for me, Con
21:57I'm so sorry, Gavin
21:59Was it the full ride?
22:01Cause I'm over the brach and I can forgive
22:03I don't want your forgiveness
22:06I
22:06I don't want to marry you
22:12I thought I did
22:13But then I realised I wasn't being true to myself
22:16And what I want more than anything in this whole world
22:19Is to be with my first true love
22:24I'm not talking about that fucking lang ball, are ya?
22:27I am
22:28Dolphins
22:30Dolphins?
22:31Yeah
22:32I want to go to UCC and study marine science
22:35Are you going to say me there, Linda?
22:37Then I'm going to work with an NGO and clairs all the plastic from the Pacific Ocean
22:41You really thought you were going to say me?
22:42I'm sorry
22:44To both of you
22:46But you're holding me back
22:48Did anyone else think she was going to say me?
22:51Ah, right
22:52Well, I'm teeing off at 3.30, good luck
22:56Sorry
22:58Are you sure, Ian?
23:01Well
23:02It's the software update finished
23:05You should needn't worry about the nice things that I had to say
23:07Because
23:09It would be wasted on someone like you
23:13They were all robbed by ChatGPT anyway
23:15See ya
23:23Hey
23:31Look, I know you've been working really hard and-
23:33Yeah, to provide for our child's future
23:34I know what I'm saying, you don't have to
23:36Is it?
23:37I've already raised a son
23:38I did it by myself without a penny to my name
23:40He turned out all right, didn't he?
23:42Yeah, is that the one who's just done three years in prison?
23:45That's a fair point
23:48Look, all I'm saying is
23:49What kind of future is our little boy going to have
23:51If his mother and father are strangers to each other?
23:55Yeah, I suppose it is a bit early to start thinking about which college to send him to
24:01Keep him alive, show him love, that's the job
24:04Everything else you just make up as you go along
24:14Are we going to this wedding then?
24:16Oh, the wedding's off
24:18It's off?
24:19Long story
24:22Maybe you and me could go home while he's asleep
24:27Guess it's true what they say about weddings?
24:34Huh?
24:40This is so fucking fun
24:41What ya?
24:42Who's my fault?
24:43You're the one that told Billy to find an answer to the church
24:45To the church?
24:45Boy, that's hardly a church
24:46You were too stingy to afford a real wedding
24:48Ah, she was out of your league anyway
24:51I love you Linda
24:52I love you more
24:57Out of his league, is it?
24:59Well, it's true
25:00Hasn't he got a good job and isn't a permanent and pensionable?
25:03We pay for half of this wedding, alright?
25:04Oh, and you can sing for us
25:06Oh, yeah
25:06Slatter him back
25:09Being married to a scout teacher isn't the end of everyone's rainbow, you know
25:13Well, neither has been married to a slap-off
25:17You're never gonna get married again, boy
25:18I'll get that into my shoes
25:19Guys, alright?
25:20Yeah?
25:20What?
25:24What?
25:26What?
25:28What?
25:32What?
25:39What?
25:39What?
25:40What?
25:41What?
25:41What?
25:42What?
25:44What?
25:44What?
25:45What?
25:46What?
25:47What?
25:48What?
26:14Okay
26:18In the end, no one got what they wanted, except for Linda and Siobhan.
26:24The day didn't turn out the way any of us imagined it would.
26:27Except Jock was right what he said.
26:30Weddings really do make women horny.
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