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Malcolm In The Middle Life's Still Unfair S01E01-2 (2026)
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00:07What are you looking at?
00:09Whee!
00:12It's stealing money from the church!
00:23You're going to put your hands inside of mommy and take out this baby!
00:29And someone actually asked for more of this.
00:33I really appreciate the opportunity. Everyone in my class was after this internship. I fought tooth and nail for it.
00:39No problem. We are glad to have you.
00:41So, what do you guys do?
00:44Well, we install computer systems in grocery store chains and food manufacturers to align their inventory software with food banks
00:51and shelters all across the country.
00:53So instead of unused food getting dumped, it goes to people who actually need it.
00:57Got it. And what is a food bank?
01:01Maybe watch our video a few more times.
01:08Yeah, I look different. But hey, everything about me is different. I'm happy. I'm successful. I've learned to work productively
01:16with idiots.
01:17My life is fantastic now. You want to know how I did it? All I had to do is stay
01:24completely away from my family.
01:39You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out. These things have lasted for six months.
01:44You know, I can call back later.
01:45Come on, Dewey. You've seen this like a thousand times.
01:48It's just a normal human body doing normal human behavior.
01:52Undergrowth.
01:54How's the concert tour?
01:56It's fine. But I'm really sorry I'm not going to make your anniversary party.
02:00I'm sad too, but you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty.
02:04I mean, what if Carl Gustav wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?
02:07Is Jamie going to make it?
02:08I think so. He put in for relief.
02:09Towel! Towel! Towel!
02:13Trauma averted. Thank you.
02:16Hey, Dewey.
02:17Hi, Kelly. How's school?
02:18Beneath me. How's Sonia?
02:20Oh, it's not Sonia anymore. It's Lisbon.
02:23No, Annette. Anyway, she's good. We're really connecting.
02:26We're going to go shopping later. Do them want to come?
02:31Him can't come with we. Us has homework.
02:34Hey, he's trying. Don't mock him for it.
02:35I'm not afraid of you.
02:37That's not...
02:37I get good grades. I help around the house.
02:40I'm your only kid without a file at the police station. I'm untouchable.
02:43Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while.
02:48I love you.
02:48Well, that just sounds sarcastic.
02:51I love you.
02:52Now you sound annoyed.
02:53What can I do? Through timbre.
02:56I love you. I love you. I love you.
02:58The middle one was nice. Thank you.
03:03So back in college, I completely turned my life around.
03:06Because I realized the less contact I have with my family, the less I act like a sociopath.
03:12I've become more patient, less angry, way more mature.
03:16Anytime I am around them, it takes me like two seconds to revert.
03:20For crying out loud, I speak fluent Spanish. I know how to say quesadilla.
03:24Oh, it sounded like you said cusadilla.
03:26Oh, no.
03:26You're like, quesadilla.
03:29Siempre hacen esto. Intentan colegiar a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada.
03:33Sé exactamente cómo van a enseñar quesadilla.
03:35Quesadilla.
03:36That's it. That's it. That's it.
03:38That's it. That's it.
03:38That's it. Quesadilla.
03:45Grandma's television was plasma. I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her.
03:48And it was obvious from the rich deep blacks.
03:51You're insane.
03:51She bought that TV in 2015.
03:53All right?
03:53They already had full array LEDs with the same picture quality for a quarter of the price.
03:58It's not showing off.
03:59It's a completely sensible mid-price sedan.
04:02Why don't you just admit you're stuck up and shoving your shiny new car in my face to make me
04:06feel bad.
04:06Is this stuck up?
04:08Is this showing off?
04:10Is this me trying to make you feel bad?
04:14It's not them.
04:15It's me.
04:16Being around them.
04:17So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact.
04:21My house is a two-layover flight from anyone.
04:23I'm always swamped with work on holidays.
04:26But I also create the illusion of closeness with effusive emails and phone calls and birthday cards.
04:31Seeing how much I miss them and I can't wait to see them.
04:34It's really important to me not to hurt their feelings.
04:37Because then they'll make me talk to them about it face to face.
04:40Welcome to Huge Mart, where our deals are.
04:43We still need a 200 pack of votive candles and a thousand feet of ruby tassel garland.
04:47Oh, there's gold.
04:48No, 40th anniversary's ruby, not gold.
04:50Get in the game, Hal.
04:52Hey, lovebirds.
04:53I hid your mini disco balls.
04:56Thank you, Craig.
04:57They're in the clone aisle behind my signature scent.
05:01Which is?
05:02Suave Sauvage, for him.
05:04Already got it.
05:06So, how do you like the new job?
05:08Well, my heart belongs to Loggiade, but after they denied my promotion and that mysterious, untraceable fire,
05:14I'm glad I found a new home.
05:16Lois, come quick.
05:17It's that famous celebrity you like.
05:20It's the Dumb Street.
05:21Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:26Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:30Never had much faith and love for miracles.
05:35Miracles.
05:37Never wanna put my heart on the line.
05:43But swimming in your water is something spiritual.
05:47Spiritual.
05:48Spiritual.
05:49I'm born again every time you spend the night.
05:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:55Cause your sex takes me to paradise.
05:58And it shows.
06:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:04Cause you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven for too long.
06:13Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
06:20oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
06:22oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
06:22oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
06:22oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
06:22oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
06:55that's it now it's my meatball okay let's take it from the sex park why you know that was magical
07:03let's not go past it it was lovely hell thank you well it was just a little weird two weeks
07:09before the anniversary no before or after the party we agreed you can do anything you want as often as
07:15you want before or after the actual anniversary day is mine you promise under duress i'll promise
07:21anything when you do that thing hal for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every
07:28celebration you you do the most wonderful romantic amazing grand gestures the fireworks display
07:35releasing those doves that should have been done outside and away from the fam and now this once i
07:41want to be the one deciding how we celebrate and not have your plans just happen to me
07:49why don't you play with your friends while i finish up
07:53she makes it seem like every little romantic gesture i've ever made is crazy
07:59no no it won't hurt to let lois do it exactly the way she wants to for one
08:04oh so i just sit back do nothing like i don't even love her no no no not on my
08:07watch
08:08hal please you're the only one of us still married do not break a promise to that woman
08:12i would never lois gets her day but until then every moment of every day i will show her so
08:20much love
08:20she will run screaming at the side of me
08:36nice right and this isn't even the best thing the best thing the best thing in the whole world is
08:41who's inside it my daughter leah she's kind of a trophy i won in college for attending my first kegger
08:46she hates that joke
08:50her mother dreamer yes her name is dreamer ran off three days after giving birth so single father
08:57but i'm good at it i just imagine what my parents would do and do the exact opposite it's not
09:02that hard
09:07i won't make it worse i won't make it worse
09:12just you know i don't cry like this all the time i also do depressed apathy paralyzed embarrassment
09:20and impotent fury it's a rich inner life
09:26sweetie what's wrong alice and jib got invited me to her birthday party
09:31why is that sad you want the list allison and her friends did this as a joke they know i
09:36know they
09:37don't want me to go if i do go they'll freeze me out until i burst into tears and daddy
09:41comes to get
09:41me which is what they really want i'm completely isolated at school i've never had any friends and
09:47my personality by which i mean your personality makes it impossible for me to ever have any okay well do
09:55you want my list you're intelligent you're beautiful and hard-working and incredibly perceptive and yeah
10:00thanks for that too that's how i notice every smirk and slight and microscopic eye roll aimed at me
10:06since first grade why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up i have no armor leah look
10:11i am
10:12so sorry you're going through this but i promise it'll get better it got so much better for me once
10:17i
10:17went off to college so that's less than a decade it's actually worse when he tries hard
10:28why'd that make you nervous what your phone why did that call make you nervous not nervous
10:33it was just working we're talking maybe my concern for how upset you are is coming across as nervous
10:39and why do you keep it so hot in here i want to be alone now anyway okay i'm not
10:45going to smother you
10:46but i'm here for you like always i love you really love you
10:54love you so much
11:00malcolm i need you to call me back today about our anniversary we have to know when you're coming
11:04and we know you're coming because you would never be that monstrously inconsiderate love you
11:10i didn't answer dad's voicemail yesterday so i knew it would escalate to mom
11:13i heard work the email sorry i was in emergency meetings too late and i just heard your voicemail
11:17i schedule that to send at 2 16 a.m that way i look considerate for emailing instead of calling
11:23her back trust me she'll check the timestamp i have to set up six more food banks this month
11:28but barring a crisis i'll be there that's what's great about running a charity anything i say is a crisis
11:34is
11:34a crisis for charity i scored the cut dry fitted twice so now i go down perfect this is so
11:43easy i
11:44had no idea i can't wait to start the gazebo next week you know reese doing these projects together
11:50every weekend i love it more than anything me too i have to confess though that uh this floor was
11:58fine you don't actually have to rotate floor tiles every six months i know you do but almost every
12:07job we've done the the car the backyard irrigation the washing machine they didn't need to be done either
12:12it's my favorite thing to do anyway i'm spending a lot of money fixing things that don't need fixing
12:19and since this is really just about us spending time together maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles no
12:25i know how to do puzzles you steal one piece so you're the only one that can finish it we
12:31have
12:31to be building or fixing things whoa what's what's going on dad have you ever heard of a metaphor
12:42yes reese we all know my life sucks i ruined my job my marriages i don't really have any friends
12:52that's not the metaphor yet ready things like gluing these tiles so they fit together perfectly
12:58is a metaphor for me fitting in with people and these tools are a metaphor for you
13:04and all the things in life you're teaching me dad you're a tool a tool to help me build my
13:11life back
13:14i will always be your tool
13:19you know what's great about going to a fancy private high school nothing it is the same emotional
13:26shithole as every other high school yeah hi allison did you get my invitation it's going to be really
13:34fun dad got an aura camera i did thanks great see you there
13:50leah oh hey cheyenne i couldn't finish my math homework can you show me how to do a slope intercept
13:55of course i don't mind at all i'm always happy to help you know you don't have to panic about
13:59it
13:59i wasn't panicking oh it's just i can see where you've been pulling out your hair
14:06i'm not saying you pull out your hair it's probably just ringworm and that's easy to fix
14:10eight weeks of fungicide pills because it's not an actual worm inside your head it's a fungus
14:18oh god what do i do make it seem like i was joking
14:28what is wrong with her i'm really sorry about the whole thing you othered cheyenne in view of the
14:33peer group yeah i knew i was upsetting her and i was trying to fix it but i kept making
14:38it worse
14:38because right before other girls hurt my feelings so i i wasn't thinking clearly i'm not blaming them
14:43they can't help it robert topolsky has pretty compelling research that endorphin levels actually
14:48spike when members of an in group exclude or attack members of an out group at least with chimpanzees
14:56he's on youtube
15:07once a week he'll stand in the front yard shirtless and blanks
15:15get ready you're gonna see something shocking hey i'm proud of us we actually got all the way to
15:23the bed before he went at it huh tristan my girlfriend i mean it is so much more than that
15:31she loves me i know it sounds like a lot of me too
15:38how was your day it was good we won the grosvenor innovation grant i beat an ai dude you don't
15:45have
15:45to keep proving how smart you are i really don't care oh uh except for my taxes that was awesome
15:50so what
15:51do you care about i care that you always listen to me and that you're supportive and that you keep
15:57your promises and mostly i care that you understand in a deep and complete way who i am inside and
16:09you
16:09love me anyway and i am so grateful for that jesus i thought we were just doing banter
16:22she's gonna like me right you're kidding leah's gonna love you you're as worried as i am what makes
16:28you say that because you know that if she doesn't like me we can't move forward i mean eventually we'd
16:34have to break up but i have so many plans to prevent that uh mutual interest outings weekly kindness days
16:39shared journaling there's one where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball and you pass it back
16:43and
16:44forward to each other and you keep saying nice things and and you keep throwing it until you
16:47guys are both tied up really tight together in the yarn i'm betting on us look you can make friends
16:55with anyone i've seen it and it's obvious how much we love each other leah's gonna see that and she's
16:58gonna want to be a part of it i don't know when i was her age i hated myself and
17:02everything in my field
17:03of vision so shall i grow it can we wait for that no no it is past time we did
17:09this we're doing it
17:11okay you're also honest and sincere and sensitive not to mention in bed the way you combine enthusiasm
17:22and startling physical strength with a clear understanding of nuance
17:30tristan likes green so maybe wear your chinos she went to private school too so you can talk about
17:34that and politics just makes her upset movies she can talk about them all day but she loves rom-com
17:41so don't you say anything snotty you can write this down if you want i would but my pen is
17:46busy doing
17:46actual homework so when do i yell i want my real mommy and run out in tears i'll surprise you
17:52please this
17:53is important to me dad i get it it's your only chance for love and i have complete control over
17:59your
17:59future happiness every parenting book says i shouldn't let you believe that
18:09kelly where are you what can i do are you okay what's the matter but i have to make up
18:12a lie to
18:12get my own brother to answer the phone you have to promise me you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary
18:17kelly i'm trying hey listen to me all they talk about is whether or not you'll be there they're old
18:22malcolm they could die any second decapitated in a car wreck slowly choking to death on a respirator
18:28from some lingering illness stabbed over and over by some drifter they took in clock is ticking busy
18:33boy you can do this for them i am doing everything i can to be there but my charity just
18:37has me so
18:38busy all the time so you can figure out all this advanced infrastructure for hundreds of charities
18:41and corporations but even after six months notice you can't plan half a day off wow that's almost mom
18:47level okay at their age they're a little self-righteous simultaneously overconfident and insecure
18:54validate their intentions and blow some smoke look i am glad that you see how important this
18:58is for mom and dad they are lucky to have you looking out for them other kids your age aren't
19:02half as perceptive what i'm i i'm on the phone okay look i am so sorry but i do have
19:09to get back to work
19:10but don't worry i'm sure i can be there love you hey linda can you print me that report
19:15with that one you got to get in and out before they can think too much
19:19how do you not allow glitter you're a party venue i just want a couple of handfuls for
19:23people to toss during our spotlight dance okay so no glitter did our monogrammed cocktail stirs
19:31with little hearts did they come in no no they come with the radiant elegance package
19:38the radiant mystique elegance package how much does that cost
19:45okay let's do it such nonsense i'm sorry to be taking all the attention away from your 40th birthday
19:52mom i'm a 39 i was born on your first anniversary not your wedding day 39 of course you are
20:02hey how
20:02you guys enjoying the new guest suite the garage yeah once we unpacked the bag stomped a few spiders
20:08got the plastic tarp off the bed it was real homey me and dad did all the renovations your brother's
20:12become quite the handyman well it is great a heads up the toilet wasn't connected would have been
20:18cool you know we could afford a motel absolutely not we love having you here besides you got to save
20:23up some money until you get a solid job mom i've been there 15 years i'm senior management i have
20:2875
20:29people under me that's 75 people plotting to replace you and you need to retie your bows
20:34they need to be droopy they droop they need to droop languidly look at your father's your knots
20:40are too crisp use baby hands why don't you criticize his bows those aren't languid they're turgid
20:46dad likes me better than you now did you ever talk to malcolm no we keep trading emails back and
20:52forth i know he's doing good things but he is going to work himself to death i just got off
20:56the phone with
20:56him he's not coming okay we can do this it's going to be great love you love you do you
21:08need to pee
21:09no yes no no no leah we're here
21:18leah this is tristan
21:22hi hi leah
21:30good we're we're easing in slowly there's no rush
21:37so how much did he prep you
21:45when you're a four you try to scare miss rachel into canceling preschool by saying her mold didn't
21:49look right
21:53you have to twist your hamburger bun exactly three times so the condiments smear evenly
21:59you refuse an award from the state young sciences challenge because you thought it would make you a
22:03famous nerd you love being a physical therapist but you are grossed out when you have to touch old
22:08people you find to a spitting rage if you do wordle in three
22:12i do sometimes when you stand up too fast you fart and i have to ignore
22:18i do you don't now him has he ever told you about his reluctant move in department oh my god
22:27no one time i found a notepad where he wrote assemblyman congressman lieutenant governor
22:33the thing with the aftershave
22:42i've never been so happy to be humiliated in my life it always does this could be my family
22:47my last checkbox this is amazing welcome we are not doing this by email or text or over the phone
22:54or by zoom we are going to talk about it no matter what you have to arrange you are going
22:59to be at our
22:59anniversary with the rest of the family dad you have a daughter she's alive what's happening
23:18you made me do this outcome this family's non-stop anti-social behavior and mindless belligerence and
23:24myopic priorities are toxic to me every single bad thing that happened to my life is your fault
23:30getting away from you is how i finally stopped being such an asshole wait so your biggest problem is
23:40that we exist
23:47thank you how are you i don't know how could you do this to your family no
23:54stop you insisted on barging in on my home okay without an invitation so you can at least give
24:00me the courtesy to explain myself please sit down
24:25stop you
24:27you
25:07Oh, come on.
25:12Hello?
25:13Stevie, it's Malcolm.
25:15Malcolm?
25:17Who?
25:18Yeah, it's been a few months.
25:20Look, I was just thinking about you.
25:22I figured I'd give you a call.
25:23How's little Max?
25:24How's Glenn?
25:25Cute.
25:28Needy.
25:29Great.
25:29Great.
25:30I love the pictures you sent.
25:32Yeah, you know, Max's.
25:33What's wrong?
25:33Everything!
25:34Mom and Dad and Leah and Tristan all found out at the same time in person.
25:38You have to help me come up with a smart enough lie to cover up the years of lies I
25:41already
25:41told them.
25:42I mean, it's got to be brilliant.
25:43I told you.
25:48This would happen.
25:51This would happen.
25:51You did.
25:52You did.
25:53What do I do now?
25:54Do you mind?
25:56Seriously, what do I do?
25:58Confess.
26:00Apologize.
26:02Make it right.
26:03Stevie, quit clowning around.
26:04They already know it.
26:05There's nothing to confess.
26:06It's Mom.
26:07She sees apologies as permission to become more enraged.
26:09I've misled them for over a decade.
26:11How do I make that right?
26:13Hey, Malcolm, can he call you back?
26:15It's his turn for story time, and we need to finish before midnight.
26:19Okay.
26:20Thanks anyway.
26:22Sorry, man.
26:25You're in a wheelchair, and I'm needy.
26:30It's just not fair.
26:32Oh, my God.
26:32What happened?
26:33What did I do?
26:34What did we do?
26:35We have just had the worst 24 hours of our life.
26:38We just found out.
26:39Guess who's going to be a grandma?
26:42Isn't it amazing?
26:43We've been trying for so long.
26:46Years and years of constant sex and all these weird mommy blog positions, and it finally
26:50happened.
26:51Get your piece to God in my face.
26:53Seriously?
26:54You can't even be happy for me about this?
26:56What are we trying?
26:58Who's ready for re-caulking day?
27:01I put this on your credit card.
27:03What?
27:04We just found out that Malcolm has been intentionally hiding himself from this family for years
27:08and covering it up with lies.
27:10He has a teenage daughter!
27:12A secret teenage daughter!
27:15I still think my thing's pretty important.
27:18Dad, I am so sorry.
27:21I think we all knew Malcolm would eventually betray us.
27:24That's what Harvard does to people.
27:26You know.
27:26Or any college, really.
27:28Oh.
27:29That reminds me.
27:30Ow!
27:31Ow!
27:32Ow!
27:32Ow!
27:33Ow!
27:33Ow!
27:33Ow!
27:34What are you doing?
27:35Dad is out there emotionally destroyed.
27:36I have to trash Malcolm as much as I can before he snaps out of it.
27:39How stupid are you?
27:41You mean, like, professionally measured?
27:42Just because Mom and Dad aren't on social media, you thought nobody else would find it?
27:46What?
27:47eBay?
27:47They already know I sell my underwear to pervs.
27:50What about Professor Dum Dum?
27:54Shall we peruse Greatest Hits?
28:01Ow!
28:12These new ones aren't just more efficient.
28:15They are so much quiet.
28:17Good work.
28:18Hey, what are you talking to, man?
28:22Daddy?
28:23You're bothering me.
28:25Freeze!
28:27Just unplug it!
28:30Unplug it!
28:31Freeze!
28:33Freeze!
28:38Baby Welker.
28:4068 videos.
28:42Millions of views.
28:43How much money have you made, publicly humiliating Dad?
28:45Including merch?
28:47Merch?
28:47Are you gonna snitch?
28:49Hell yes, I'm gonna snitch.
28:50Okay.
28:51What do you want?
28:52To snitch.
28:53No.
28:53What do you want from me?
28:54To be there when I snitch.
28:56Kelly, you don't want to do that.
28:57Dad is too upset.
28:58He couldn't take it.
28:58I know that!
28:59God, this is so frustrating.
29:01It felt so good ratting Malcolm out.
29:04It was like, I found my calling.
29:06I'm an informer.
29:08It's like being a whistleblower but mean.
29:10And turning you in was going to be...
29:14Now I have to wait to spill my guts.
29:17But it's coming.
29:24What did you see?
29:27Everything.
29:31Oh my God!
29:32What happened?
29:33He just fell down for no reason.
29:35Old people do that all the time.
29:36Help!
29:37Help!
29:39Help me get him into bed!
29:41He won't!
29:42Unwind!
29:42I'm rolling!
29:45Oh my God!
29:48Oh my God!
29:48Oh my God!
29:49Oh my God!
29:49Oh my God!
29:50Oh my God!
29:51Oh my God!
29:52What do we do?
29:53Just roll him!
29:54This way!
29:54Roll him!
29:55Use your legs!
29:55Oh my God!
30:03Hey.
30:04How far did you run?
30:06Six miles past the interstate.
30:08I'm in much better shape than I thought.
30:10I met a horse.
30:12I named him Cookie.
30:14Dad, seriously?
30:16I can take Mom being crazy.
30:18But that's only because you're not.
30:21I'm so sorry.
30:22I promise I'll never do anything like that again.
30:25And don't call your mom crazy.
30:27She just has a lot of problems.
30:29Primarily being crazy.
30:32So, anything else you've been, I don't know, lying to me about since I was born?
30:35Leah.
30:36No!
30:36My self-image is already screwed up.
30:38And now, I'm part of a family I know nothing about.
30:42I mean, are they murderers?
30:43Or geologists?
30:44Or have taste sex?
30:45Or Kleinfelter syndrome?
30:46Or enjoy reading?
30:47Or have characteristic body language?
30:49Or they're athletic?
30:50Or super tasters?
30:51I should know all of that!
30:53There's no geologists.
30:58I think Tristan is amazing.
31:00She is.
31:02Oh my God, she must be so mad at me.
31:04Yeah, well, she told Grandma and Grandpa that-
31:07I was not ready to hear you call them that.
31:09They really seemed okay.
31:10I don't understand why you can't be around them.
31:13I think yesterday you saw a pretty convincing demonstration.
31:16I have hay in my crack.
31:17I cannot go back to how I was before, and I'm not gonna risk you.
31:21You are perfect.
31:23I want you to stay perfect.
31:27Okay, that's just fighting dirty.
31:29You have to think of it like they're the full moon and we're werewolves.
31:33It doesn't matter.
31:34Your cover is blown, and Grandma doesn't seem the type to just let things go.
31:38Look, I need time to figure this out.
31:39You need to promise me that if she contacts you, you will not respond until you talk to me first,
31:43okay?
31:44Okay.
31:44No, you need to promise.
31:45Calm down.
31:46I promise.
31:49I need to get some sleep.
31:51I'm still mad at you.
31:52You'll still be mad when I wake up.
31:53I believe in you.
32:16How could Malcolm abuse my trust this way?
32:19I'm so mad at him for betraying me.
32:23You know, by comparison, Reese looks pretty good.
32:27Sure, he's impetuous, but that rascal has a heart of gold.
32:31He's still my favorite.
32:36What's that?
32:38It's the 33rd of 40 love letters your father wrote me for our anniversary.
32:42Two pages each, front and back.
32:44Not a single repeat.
32:46Listen, I have to talk to you.
32:49I was so excited to tell you about the baby.
32:52We tried so hard for so long, and when it finally happened, all he wanted to do was tell you.
32:58He didn't even say congratulations.
33:01You're right.
33:03I'm sorry.
33:05Congratulations.
33:07Never thought I was perfect.
33:08Yes, you have.
33:09Well, I didn't mean it.
33:12Look, I will admit, there is a part of me, a part I do not like, that feels like you
33:16intentionally waited until this exact moment to get pregnant, just to make it harder for me to deal with all
33:21these other problems.
33:21That is crazy.
33:23Honestly, your whole life has been like you purposely planned every moment, good or bad, to happen at the worst
33:29possible time.
33:30That's not fair.
33:30It's always totally random.
33:32I know.
33:32I hurt your feelings, and I feel bad about it.
33:35And I promise, I am going to be happy about this very soon.
33:37I'm going to be overjoyed.
33:39Just not right.
33:40Now, I have too many other priorities right now.
33:44You and the baby are number eight.
33:45That is so insult- wait, you have a list with numbers?
33:51Yes.
33:53How do you think I manage?
33:55I have to rank everything according to how bad and how soon.
34:00Anniversary party is number one.
34:02Number two is our brand new, already born granddaughter.
34:05I mean, she has been thrown into this circus with no preparation.
34:08We have to make it as comfortable as we can for that child.
34:11Your father is a close number three.
34:12Leah has the edge, because she's younger.
34:14But he is in a complete no tone.
34:16Number four is making Reese pay for what he did.
34:20Number five is figuring out a way to get Malcolm back into this family.
34:23Number six is making him pay for what he did.
34:26Number seven is trying to keep myself from draining our life savings to pay for this party.
34:32So you are number eight.
34:37When she puts it that way, I really can't argue with her.
34:39Are you kidding me?
34:40We're one slot above try oat milk.
34:42I know.
34:43It sucks to feel like you don't matter.
34:46I promise I'll never do that to our kid.
34:48As long as they don't piss me off too much.
34:52You are an incredibly smart, sexy mama.
35:10Do you care?
35:13I like the breeze.
35:20Hey, Leah.
35:21Hi, Allison.
35:23See you at pizza.
35:24What pizza?
35:26Oh, oh my god, I'm so sorry.
35:28Forget I said that.
35:29I don't know what you're talking about.
35:31Joni's doing pizza after the social studies final.
35:36I thought everyone was invited.
35:39You really didn't.
35:41And why do you take such delight in humiliating someone who shouldn't even be on your radar?
35:47Wow.
35:49You really are cruel.
36:00Morning.
36:02Is it morning?
36:04Oh.
36:06Sweetie.
36:08Did you know that there's a South American slug that, after mating, the eggs are deposited in the father?
36:18And over the next three months, the children slowly eat their way out of their loving father.
36:26Until he's an empty husk that blows away in the wind.
36:31I'm just waiting for the wind, Lois.
36:35You know, we could just let it go.
36:40For a little while.
36:48I'm sorry, Mr. Plummer.
36:52I don't have enough money to pay your great big bill.
36:57There must be some way I can satisfy you.
37:04The office can put you on a payment plan.
37:09Did you just turn down sex?
37:13I guess I did.
37:14Hal.
37:15Hal.
37:16Hal, we don't turn down sex.
37:19We've done it in weddings and funerals and petting zoos.
37:23Hal, sex is our love language.
37:26I know.
37:26I know.
37:26I'm sorry, honey, but...
37:29Can I at least give you a hug?
37:33Not physically.
37:44Hey, it's Tristan. Let her rip.
37:46Hey, Tristan. It's me again.
37:48Look, I realize that you haven't returned my calls the last couple of days
37:51because my messages were apologies without an explanation.
37:54Which I also apologize for.
37:57So here it is.
37:59I've been seeing a therapist the last month herself.
38:01Well, she put me on this antidepressant venalpramine.
38:05I didn't realize the side effects that it caused on my moods, behaviors, and decision-making.
38:11But I am not going to use a medication that altered everything about me as an excuse.
38:17And I'm not going to bring Leah into this either.
38:19Even though she already feels so connected to you,
38:22she knows that not seeing you again isn't anything like when her mother abandoned her.
38:27But please do not do this to her.
38:29She's just a kid.
38:33I'll be ashamed of myself after I get her back.
38:36Well, you're just so glad you called, Leah.
38:39Dad insisted I get to know the family right away.
38:42If Dad can keep secrets, I can break promises.
38:45This is Francis and Piyama, Kelly, Jamie, and Dewey.
38:50And this is your uncle, Reese, who is going to explain himself and apologize to me this very second.
38:55Word of warning. They get mad about anything around here.
39:00Well, we are just so excited about all of this. We've just missed so much. We have a thousand questions
39:06we'd like to ask you.
39:12Hal, don't you have a question that you'd like to ask Leah?
39:15Uh, yeah. What do you want to do when you grow up?
39:20Crush your father's soul and make him question his own identity?
39:25Excuse us a minute.
39:27Welcome to the family, Leah.
39:29Gosh, I wish I was able to be there to welcome you properly.
39:31Oh, sorry. Come and get me in my little house.
39:34Honestly, Gigi, please.
39:36Please, please. You can't take one by five months just once.
39:39Okay.
39:40But then, I'm fine.
39:43No.
39:44Sorry, they're, um...
39:46You're vacuuming the hotel.
39:48You're up, right?
39:50Yeah, hey, I gotta go too. I gotta sneak in a cigarette while the lieutenant's still taking a dump.
39:54Don't tell Mom I smoke.
39:57Is it me?
39:58Because this feels like when they make us choose lab partners.
40:01No friends, huh?
40:03Yeah, you give off that vibe.
40:05Kids can be mean.
40:07Parents, too.
40:08So the social thing is tough, huh?
40:11No, it's great.
40:12I'm on the waiting list to move up from outcast to pariah.
40:17It really is fine.
40:18I mean, I'm used to it.
40:19Because, like, what choice do I have?
40:21I mean, there's way worse problems.
40:27Yeah.
40:28Leah, have you ever tried being kind?
40:32Probably not.
40:33I am nice all the time, and I get treated like crap anyway.
40:36Nice is different than kind.
40:39Kindness requires empathy, and empathy requires putting yourself in someone else's place so you understand how they feel.
40:46Do you remember ever doing that?
40:50Right.
40:51That's a tough one for your dad, too.
40:53You guys have brains that are so different from other people's, it's impossible to feel like you have anything in
40:58common with them.
40:59So what am I supposed to do?
41:01Just make an arbitrary rule.
41:02If you're not getting along with someone, imagine you have empathy for them and act accordingly.
41:08Like how I imagine I'm not always on the brink of violence.
41:11Try it.
41:12See what happens.
41:14Something you want to add?
41:17I bet if I crash the car I'd move up two spaces.
41:24Oh, honey.
41:26Leah.
41:26Needs are warm and loving grandpa.
41:29I'm so sorry, Lois, but I don't think I can.
41:32I look at her and instead of a sweet kid, I just see one more person who will hurt me.
41:45Ten-hunt!
41:47Lois!
41:48Your orders are to stay just as sweet, loving, and beautiful as the day.
41:51Hal first laid his loving eyes on you!
41:54Open fire!
41:57Boom.
42:01Boom!
42:03Boom!
42:03Reload!
42:07Achoo!
42:08I must be allergic to something…
42:19She fake sneezed a booger onto her chin.
42:22There's a giant chunk of snot on her chin.
42:26There's a million ways that I could nail her.
42:28Do I go funny? Do I go brutal?
42:30Do I connect it to her character flaws so it stings with some staying power?
42:34My mind is reeling.
42:40Hey, you have a thing on your chin.
42:42It happens to me all the time.
42:49Wait, wait, wait.
42:51I saw what you did back there, that giant Jabba the Hutt on her face.
42:54Oh, my God.
42:55I was just...
42:56Oh, I hate Allison. I had the perfect idea.
42:58I was going to go, would you care for some crackers with that oyster?
43:02And then seeing what you did, I mean, I feel kind of sorry.
43:07That was, like, noble.
43:10I'm not noble.
43:11Well, or something.
43:13Leah, right?
43:14Yes, Jason. I said extra in English and world history.
43:17Oh, right. I'm dumb.
43:22Was this a me-cute?
43:24This was a me-cute, right?
43:29Tristan's on her way over.
43:30I'm going to take responsibility and acknowledge the impact that my actions had on her.
43:34Or I'm going to justify it.
43:36And I'm going to frame things in a way that she thinks that it's partially her fault.
43:39Which one's gaslighting?
43:44Hi.
43:44Hey.
43:45Thank you so much for talking to me.
43:47I know how upset you are.
43:49I know how bad I screwed up.
43:51And I...
43:53I don't need to talk.
43:54I need to listen.
43:56Go ahead.
43:59I love your kid.
44:02That's all I have for positives.
44:04Good start.
44:05You totally sandbagged me.
44:07Anytime I asked you about your family, you said it was complicated.
44:10What I saw was not complicated.
44:12It was just wrong.
44:13Yes, but I have a solution for that.
44:16All those angry, vicious things I screamed at them, imagine I didn't.
44:20You have to make peace with your family, okay?
44:23For your own sake, and sure as hell for Leah's sake.
44:25You don't understand.
44:26I can't.
44:28It's not just mom and dad.
44:29It's so much worse with my brothers.
44:31I mean, all we ever do is fight, except for when we team up to fight them.
44:37You have brothers.
44:42Four.
44:43And one non-binary.
44:45Dude, come on.
44:47This is so much to unpack.
44:49Don't unpack, just burn.
44:50We don't need to know...
44:50I should go.
44:57I help the poor!
44:59What?
45:00I care so much about social justice!
45:03Malcolm, what are you...
45:04I'm not bad.
45:04I'm good.
45:05I'm not bad.
45:06I'm really good.
45:07And I'm smart.
45:08Which I remember that you don't care about, because I listen, and I know how to tie shoelaces
45:12away so they never come untied, and I love you!
45:14Oh, I should have led with that, but I'm panicking!
45:17I'll start over.
45:17I can't be around you right now.
45:19I understand.
45:21I'll...
45:21I'll be here whenever you're ready.
45:25That won't be until I can trust you again.
45:29If ever.
45:37All night long.
45:40We should have called the cops.
45:41I didn't get any sleep at all.
45:43Dad's always been a loud crier.
45:45Guys, what are you doing still in your PJs?
45:48Party's in 32 hours.
45:50We still have a lot to do.
45:51According to your 20 bullet point schedule for today, I have more than enough time to finish
45:55my store-brand cereal.
45:57That was before I realized that my dress only looks right with open-toed shoes.
46:00I had to add an emergency pedicure.
46:02My toes look like twisted walnuts.
46:05Solved that one.
46:07Is Dad finally asleep?
46:08No.
46:09He got up over an hour ago to help run errands.
46:12Come on, you guys.
46:13Let's go.
46:14Get the lead out.
46:16Huh?
46:17See?
46:18Completely normal.
46:19Don't be nervous.
46:20I'm not nervous.
46:21I'm desperate.
46:22I only have one day to shake off all this depression and anger so I don't ruin the party
46:26for Lois.
46:27Well, this will help.
46:28Microdosing is the best thing I ever did.
46:30It's how I lost all that weight and got a handle on my gambling addiction.
46:34I replaced it with porn.
46:37Greetings, Voyagers.
46:39Namaste.
46:40Namaste.
46:40Richie?
46:43Hal!
46:44Great to see you.
46:45How's Francis?
46:46How's the family?
46:47I don't care.
46:47I need help.
46:48Worry not.
46:49I have many weeks' experience as a hallucinogenic scientist, shaman, concierge.
46:54We see your pain, truth seeker.
46:57We have incredible shit to deal with it.
46:59Let me give you a tour of our tripitorium.
47:01I don't need a tour.
47:03Indulge me.
47:05Help.
47:05Please.
47:05Please.
47:08Couch.
47:09Cot.
47:10Water.
47:10Bathroom.
47:11We recommend starting in our central chair.
47:14Some people call it a dream platform.
47:16Others, a launch pad to enlightenment.
47:18Either way, there's a puke bucket next to it.
47:21Oh, uh, we already paid.
47:23I used my coupon.
47:24Don't forget, that doesn't include tip.
47:26Right.
47:30This is the medicine.
47:32Air quotes are for the lawyers.
47:34Since you're new to this, we'll start you out with a 1.5.
47:39Where'd they go?
47:40He swallowed them.
47:42All of them?
47:43I have to divvy them out.
47:45You ate 60 milligrams.
47:47Is that too much?
47:47Well, not if you're like 15 elephants.
47:52We gotta get your stomach pumped.
47:53No!
47:55There's the only chance I have left.
47:57I'm going in.
48:03I'm gonna need a bigger bucket.
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