- 10 hours ago
In the Army Now 1994 [Full Movie] [Official Release]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:01See how I just blow those guys? Look, and there's the thing.
00:00:04Look up, look up, look up!
00:00:05No under-
00:00:06Huh?
00:00:09Game over you again!
00:00:11Shouldn't we get back to work?
00:00:12I'm working. Look, I'm testing on new products.
00:00:15What are you so paranoid for anyways? Pretty soon we're gonna have our own store.
00:00:18Look, Quinn's gonna fire your ass from this place.
00:00:21Do you think I'm scared of that?
00:00:22What is he? Looks like a lurch.
00:00:25I'm Quinn.
00:00:26Are you afraid of him? No.
00:00:28Bones!
00:00:30Quinn's looking for you.
00:00:32I told him you were playing video games.
00:00:34Here, hold this, okay? I gotta do something.
00:00:36Oh, yeah, you're not afraid, huh?
00:00:38Bop, bop, bop!
00:01:05This is all for you. See all the money I'm saving?
00:01:09Wow, Quinn, look at you. You're looking fantastic. Is that a new suit?
00:01:12It's gotta be Armando.
00:01:15Oh, it's JCPenney.
00:01:18Oh, it's JCPenney.
00:01:18Well, at least you wear it well.
00:01:19Is that brood I smell?
00:01:20What did we say about leaving the sales floor?
00:01:24You told me not to, and I won't. If this place catches fire, I'm selling tape decks to the firemen.
00:01:29You're not selling anything to anybody. That's why we're letting you go.
00:01:33Where?
00:01:33Home.
00:01:34No, no, no, Quinn. Hey, hey, you can't fire me. Come on. I'm a crazy boy. I'm a dedicated crazy
00:01:39boy.
00:01:40Bones, let's not drag this out.
00:01:41No, Quinn, hey, look. Come on, please. I mean, my rent's due. My mom, she needs another tummy tuck. Please,
00:01:47come on.
00:01:47No, Bones. No, not this time.
00:01:49Please, there's a lot of personal things. Please don't let me. Please don't let me go, Quinn. I could be
00:01:54crazier.
00:01:55Let go of my life.
00:01:56I could be totally insane.
00:02:00Bones, let go of my life.
00:02:01Bones, you have a customer waiting.
00:02:05You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Quinn. I have a customer. A customer who evidently asked for me by name.
00:02:15Hi. May I help you, miss?
00:02:16Yes. You sold me this watchman last week, and I'm afraid I have to return it.
00:02:21See, I knew you'd be returning it. It's too small to ruin your eyesight.
00:02:25And besides, I can tell the one you really want is this one.
00:02:27This is our top of the line.
00:02:29Our very best 35-inch projection stereo color monitor with advanced super digital PMP.
00:02:36I'm sorry. That's way out of my price range.
00:02:38Not with our $200 rebate. No money down. 10-month deferred, 64-month layaway plan.
00:02:43You ask yourself, how could it be? Right?
00:02:47Because we're a crazy voice.
00:02:51Sorry, they make us do that.
00:02:52That's a very nice offer, but this is just...
00:02:55Plus this screen, though, it promotes good eyesight.
00:02:58Really?
00:02:59Uh-huh. Four out of five optometrists recommend it.
00:03:03Okay. I'll take it.
00:03:06Okay. Here you go.
00:03:07Fantastic. I'm gonna take this to the cashier, and I'm gonna arrange everything.
00:03:11Thank you very much.
00:03:12Come to the front. You're needed for a carry-out.
00:03:15Huh?
00:03:17Hmm?
00:03:18Come on. Am I not still a crazy boy?
00:03:23That is brute I smell, you pervert.
00:03:30Bones!
00:03:35Come on.
00:03:42Gabriella, you were outstanding.
00:03:44Yeah, right. This is the last time I save your butt. Okay? I work, too, you know?
00:03:49I know. It was an emergency. The guy was about to fire me.
00:03:52Right. It's always an emergency. They better take that TV back.
00:03:55Hey, they're gonna take it back.
00:03:57Now, how about just giving your little Italian sausage man a little kissy-poo?
00:04:03Chad, the U.S. has issued strong warnings that...
00:04:08You are so irresponsible.
00:04:11You should be serious for one minute.
00:04:13It's okay. I'll be serious. Let's get naked.
00:04:17Not now. Not here.
00:04:19Why? Don't you love me anymore?
00:04:21Yes, yes, of course I love you.
00:04:23Yeah, but look, your boss is gonna catch us.
00:04:27I don't care about that perverted fat's on a JCPenney suit.
00:04:32Bones!
00:04:34Jack, turn it off.
00:04:35Turn it off!
00:04:47Well, I can't...
00:04:54I can't believe he actually fired us.
00:04:57Oh, come on. Bones, we blew up 22 TV sets.
00:05:00Yeah, but don't those things come with warranties?
00:05:01I'm sorry, man. You know, I didn't realize Quinn could see you in all those TVs.
00:05:05No problemo, my friend. I was sick of getting down on my knees for that guy anyways.
00:05:10Whoa. Bones. I had no idea.
00:05:13Begging for my job.
00:05:15You know what, Jack, though? This is amazing. You know what this does?
00:05:18Yeah.
00:05:19This brings us one step closer to the, uh, store.
00:05:23No, no, no. What this does is it brings us one step closer to living in the dumpster.
00:05:27How are we gonna get the rent for the store if we don't have rent for our apartment?
00:05:31Excuse me, can we play through?
00:05:33Yeah.
00:05:35Sorry, we're just...
00:05:36Disgusting.
00:05:41Oh, my God.
00:05:42Hey, Army!
00:05:44Navy!
00:05:45Air Force!
00:05:46Marines!
00:05:47No.
00:05:48Did you order a code red?
00:05:51Answer me! Did you order a code red, man?
00:05:54You want the truth. You can't handle the truth.
00:05:57Yay. He's goofing off.
00:06:00Wow, that was my Nicholson impression.
00:06:03Good.
00:06:04I do it sometimes when I play golf.
00:06:08Bones, come on, man.
00:06:09See, I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.
00:06:11When you join the Army, is it true that you have to give your whole life away?
00:06:14Nah, something like that with us.
00:06:16We're in the reserves.
00:06:18What's that?
00:06:20Let's just get this straight here.
00:06:22After our basic training, we owe you two weeks a year, one week and a month, for which we get
00:06:26paid.
00:06:27And then on top of it, you're gonna throw in $2,500 just for signing up?
00:06:33Basically, yes.
00:06:35Wow.
00:06:36Well, then how come everybody isn't in the reserves?
00:06:39Do people actually know about this stuff?
00:06:42Well, we do try to advertise.
00:06:45Oh, yeah, it's not a job, it's an adventure.
00:06:48No, that's the Navy.
00:06:50The few and the proud?
00:06:51No, that's the Marines.
00:06:53Keep going, going, and gone?
00:06:55No, no, that's the Energizer, buddy.
00:06:58Gentlemen, we're be-all-you-can-be.
00:07:01Yeah.
00:07:02In the Army.
00:07:05You need us, and we need you.
00:07:07It's a win-win situation.
00:07:09I got one more question.
00:07:11Can I get a pen?
00:07:12Oh, no, actually, could we just have a second, uh, amongst ourselves?
00:07:16Certainly.
00:07:17Take all the time you need.
00:07:19Just hold that ballpoint.
00:07:23Whew.
00:07:25This is insane!
00:07:27Why doesn't everybody join when you're listening to him in there?
00:07:30Shh.
00:07:31It's like joining a health spa, only they pay us.
00:07:34Oh, my God, you're going nuts.
00:07:35Okay, we are the beneficiaries.
00:07:37We get a guaranteed check for eight years and a special skill.
00:07:41A special skill.
00:07:42Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:07:43Look at the payments.
00:07:44Here we go.
00:07:45Land combat missile op.
00:07:48Opportunities.
00:07:48Tactical fire specialist.
00:07:50You heard him talking about combat pay, right?
00:07:52You know, you have to be in combat to get paid for that, right?
00:07:56He said reserves aren't called up unless there's a major conflict.
00:07:59When was the last war, huh?
00:08:01Yeah.
00:08:02World War II?
00:08:02No.
00:08:03Twenty years ago.
00:08:04Have you ever heard of Vietnam?
00:08:06Huh?
00:08:06Desert storm?
00:08:08No.
00:08:08Uh-uh.
00:08:09What?
00:08:10I'm kidding.
00:08:11Give me the brochure.
00:08:12We're going to go to the unemployment office.
00:08:14No, just let me see.
00:08:15Let me just try it.
00:08:16Tank tour repair, land mining specialist, water purification?
00:08:21Water purification.
00:08:23That's it.
00:08:24What?
00:08:25Water purification.
00:08:26I'm telling you it's a snap.
00:08:27My brother's a pool man.
00:08:29Hey, look.
00:08:29You take dirty water and you make it clean.
00:08:32How hard can that be?
00:08:33I don't know.
00:08:34And hey, if there is a war, what are we going to go in there with?
00:08:37Water balloons?
00:08:40That's...
00:08:40I mean, but...
00:08:41But...
00:08:41Yeah.
00:08:42This is for our future.
00:08:44Okay.
00:08:44Look, I'll even give you first billing.
00:08:45If we could sign up right now, we'd get a guarantee check for $2,500.
00:08:48If you times that times two.
00:08:50Wow.
00:08:53That's $6,000.
00:08:56That's a nice chunk of change.
00:08:57Yeah.
00:08:58But...
00:08:59Hey.
00:09:00This is for our storm.
00:09:03Yeah.
00:09:04Look, I'll even give you first billing.
00:09:06No, you don't have to do that.
00:09:07Jacks and bones and spills.
00:09:10Oh.
00:09:11And Alice's Stareos.
00:09:12I did too much.
00:09:13Alright, alright, alright.
00:09:14Let's do it.
00:09:15Oh.
00:09:16Yes.
00:09:38That's a nice song.
00:09:45Nice.
00:09:48um see okay everybody knows me for my hair okay what i need you to do is just just a
00:09:57little bit
00:09:58on the side not a whole bunch and kind of keep like it so still i'd like to see it
00:10:02in something
00:10:02short but sassy a real 90s look something that works as well on the rifle range as it does in
00:10:07the disco okay that's perfect all right
00:10:29my head i mean look at it does it look bigger than it
00:10:35i mean do i look like a baked potato honestly yeah honestly it looks great it really does
00:10:41really really it looks macho all right look at these man look at these army issue
00:10:51see i think those are unique idiotic no those are unique see you're distinctive no one has them
00:10:57really you're king all right one of a kind they broke them all when they made you jack
00:11:22mom's i can't i can't do it
00:11:27this is just like your childhood remember
00:11:32yeah yeah you're right you're right that guy is exactly like my dad
00:11:36see come on wait a minute though my childhood sucked no i can't do it man i can't i can't
00:11:42handle being
00:11:43yelled at by some muscle-bound drill sergeant no man i can't do it get the hell off the truck
00:11:52oh whoa she can drill me anytime on the double right now come on move it move it hello sweet
00:12:01pants
00:12:02get down get down rough stuff
00:12:06and take those glasses off
00:12:08what do you think you want some beach or something
00:12:09what's your name private
00:12:11bones car we're reporting for duty sir
00:12:14all right
00:12:15i mean man sergeant whatever
00:12:17you will address me as drill sergeant
00:12:20don't you understand
00:12:25yes but you don't need to yell because look i'm standing right here
00:12:28i'm not yelling at you private drill sergeants do not yell
00:12:31we simply speak in a voice loud enough so everyone can hear
00:12:34that way we all learn from each other's mistakes
00:12:37oh okay thanks for explaining it
00:12:39from here on out your buddy's mind
00:12:42you will obey every order without question
00:12:48grunt
00:12:52oh you a funny boy huh
00:12:54cutie pie right
00:12:55well i don't know you but i don't even like you
00:12:57and i make it my personal mission to turn you into a soldier
00:13:00for the next eight weeks i'll be all over your butt like white old rice
00:13:06is that a promise
00:13:09give me 20
00:13:11i want my wallet
00:13:12drop and give me 20
00:13:14here hold this
00:13:15boy you better get on that ground and give me them push-ups
00:13:18ah it's been a while
00:13:21all the way up and down right
00:13:24pump
00:13:24pump
00:13:27eat
00:13:27whoa
00:13:29is that good
00:13:30good
00:13:37get up
00:13:39get up
00:13:40get up
00:13:40all right
00:13:40everybody up
00:13:44get up
00:13:46get up
00:13:47get up
00:13:47get up
00:13:49now sleep
00:13:50get up
00:13:52get up
00:13:54get up
00:13:56get your butt off that rack
00:14:05get up
00:14:11get up
00:14:14get up
00:14:16get up
00:14:28get up
00:14:29get up
00:14:31get up
00:14:33get up
00:14:34get up
00:14:38get up
00:14:41get up
00:14:42get up
00:14:50get up
00:14:53get up
00:14:55get up
00:15:00get up
00:15:04get up
00:15:08get up
00:15:14get up
00:15:28get up
00:15:31get up
00:15:46get up
00:16:06get up
00:16:19get up
00:16:21get up
00:16:33get up
00:16:39get up
00:16:51get up
00:16:54get up
00:16:56get up
00:16:57up
00:16:58get up
00:17:06get up
00:17:08do you
00:17:09sorry i can't hit you you're a girl and i love you you've got two seconds to hit me
00:17:23okay but this is gonna
00:17:24oh i'm sorry i was just gonna i'm gonna teach you a lesson
00:17:43oh got it can i please throw up now
00:17:55now listen to me very carefully private this is exactly the same as practice
00:17:59but this is a real live grenade i want you to do exactly as you've been trained
00:18:03yes joe sergeant when i give the command to execute i want you to drop the pin
00:18:08throw the grenade yes joe sergeant drop the pin throw the grenade yes joe sergeant execute
00:18:18oh
00:18:31thanks joe sergeant you saved my life i owe you one no you owe me
00:18:48yeah 50.
00:18:50mama mama can't you see mama mama can't you see
00:18:56drill sergeant lab made a man out of me drill sergeant lab made a man out of me
00:19:01and then i will obey the orders of the president of the united states
00:19:06and i will obey the orders of the president of the united states
00:19:09and the orders of the officers appointed over me
00:19:13and the orders of the officers appointed over me
00:19:16according to regulations
00:19:18according to regulations
00:19:20and the uniform code of military justice
00:19:23and the uniform code of military justice
00:19:25so help me god so help me god
00:19:29nice to meet you
00:19:30bye
00:19:31be good take care
00:19:33bye bye
00:19:35it's the uniforms man
00:19:38private conway
00:19:43never thought i'd say this but i think i've done the impossible i've turned you into soldiers
00:19:48thank you drill sergeant carry on
00:20:01uh is this uh unit 341
00:20:04that's us soldier
00:20:05hey bones conway here this is my partner jack
00:20:08hi christine nice to meet you look like we'll be working together
00:20:12christine a la gi jane right what brings a pretty little lady like you to water pier
00:20:18i want an infantry but until they ask that crap about women not being allowed in combat
00:20:23i'll just have to settle for kicking your little boy
00:20:25oh
00:20:26oh that would be nice
00:20:30heisty one huh
00:20:31i like that
00:20:34shut up
00:20:39i'm gonna have to kill your friend
00:20:41hey bones conway hey uh fred austroff good to meet you
00:20:46you okay fred oh man i'm fine yeah
00:20:48oh thanks thank you
00:20:52so uh what do you do when you don't purify water
00:20:55well i'm going into my uh final year of dental school
00:20:59wow and then now that is great no it's not
00:21:03why did you know that dentists are more feared and loathed than any other profession
00:21:09that's including lawyers no see i don't think people hate dentists it's just the sound of that drill
00:21:15yeah and then they stick that sucking thing in the backyard right there and the nurse says
00:21:20oh yeah that and then they jam those cardboard x-ray things and then they
00:21:25and you know when there's you have a cabinet and they do that little pointy thing and then
00:21:31right the nurse leaves and she goes to lunch and she jams it out there right meanwhile there is a
00:21:38lead apron right on the thing and you're sitting there like
00:21:48see see that's what i'm talking about if you don't want to talk about it it's okay oh no no
00:21:53no it's good we should talk about it because my therapist uh said that i need to get it out
00:21:58kind of like an emotional enema so we talked about it and uh said why not join the army reserve
00:22:03be all that you can be on the weekends maybe it'd help me to face those things in my life
00:22:12that i'm
00:22:13most afraid of and what are you afraid of uh well i'd have to say uh damn near everything floss
00:22:22hey keep it
00:22:29good morning purifying our water is one of the most vital operations in the military it is
00:22:36absolutely vital that you know your equipment inside and out
00:22:40that you know your equipment inside and out and out and out and out and out and out and out
00:22:47two soldiers must man the hose at all times this is for your own safety people okay never lose
00:22:55control of your homes after careful training you will be able to produce potable water from the
00:23:10most disgusting swampy parasite infected diseased water guys look it's our first glass of purified water
00:23:19water all right go for it man try it nah i'm not gonna try hey you try it i'm not
00:23:28gonna try it
00:23:30we should get christine yeah she'll taste anything
00:23:38i'm not gonna try it let's get freddy okay oh freddy no no thanks i'm allergic it'll make me break
00:23:46out
00:23:47i'm not gonna try it well then who's gonna try it
00:24:08who's the leader of this outfit he is
00:24:13son i've been doing this for a long time and i gotta say
00:24:17this is the best damn glass of purified water i ever had congratulations you keep this up and
00:24:24i'll be putting you in for private first class thank you sergeant but i could not have done it
00:24:29without without the inspirational guidance of my brother the poor man
00:24:40we're back honey excuse me gonna go freshen up
00:24:50you're not
00:25:28but you're not
00:25:28how you were doing this for a long time and now i'm talking i should join him
00:25:48Oh, man.
00:25:49Hank, wait, wait. Hold it here a second.
00:25:51Listen, hey, we're in the middle of the party here.
00:25:53You know, your friends might come in.
00:25:55That'd be cool.
00:25:55I don't think so.
00:25:56I think it's very rude if we stay away more than a couple of minutes.
00:25:59Two minutes? That's perfect.
00:26:01We'll have time to cuddle afterwards.
00:26:06Hold that thought.
00:26:09Somebody better be dead. Hello?
00:26:12This is an official message.
00:26:14I saw a flock of wild geese migrating south.
00:26:19I say again, the geese are migrating south.
00:26:23Yeah, well, my goose is about to lay a golden egg.
00:26:26So you're going to have to cruise the south solo, okay?
00:26:29Have a nice flight.
00:26:31Who was it?
00:26:31Someone who's into birds.
00:26:33Who do you know here?
00:26:34Uh-uh!
00:26:40Look, you saw the goose.
00:26:42I'm the walrus.
00:26:43And Paul is dead.
00:26:43And I'm trying to bury my beak here.
00:26:45So give it a rest.
00:26:46All right, that's it.
00:27:01Jack, get the phone.
00:27:03Who is it?
00:27:04It's a freak going on about wild geese migrating.
00:27:07Hello?
00:27:08Phone!
00:27:12What is it?
00:27:13Just keep going.
00:27:15Don't run.
00:27:16Which way?
00:27:17Who cares?
00:27:18North or south?
00:27:19South.
00:27:21Yes!
00:27:22Yes!
00:27:23Yes!
00:27:23What?
00:27:25You guys, don't you remember?
00:27:28About the code?
00:27:29So that if we got called up for active duty, then we would know that it was for real.
00:27:33It's gotta be a mistake.
00:27:35It's gotta be Chad.
00:27:36Hello, Mama?
00:27:37Well, it's Frederick.
00:27:39Uh, you sitting down?
00:27:42Chad is in the African country, the one that Libby's about to invade.
00:27:45Uh, turn off the music.
00:27:50You remember when you told me that every black man should visit the motherland?
00:27:54Bones, why do you think I chose water purification?
00:27:57Is your brother a poor man?
00:27:59No, it's because Chad is in a desert.
00:28:02And water purification is the reserve occupation most likely to be called up if there's a desert war.
00:28:08And there's a desert war, and we're going!
00:28:12That's it, Bones.
00:28:13I'm gonna kill you.
00:28:14Well, go ahead.
00:28:14You gotta relax here, okay?
00:28:16I'm gonna get us out of this one.
00:28:19Trust me.
00:28:30At ease.
00:28:32Sir, I know we're going to Chad, but there's something that you need to know about Jack and I before
00:28:38we go, sir.
00:28:39Yes?
00:28:41Uh, uh, Bones and I are very close, uh, friends.
00:28:47Very.
00:28:48Oh, I see.
00:28:51In that case, boys, I guess you're not going to Chad.
00:28:57Sorry to disappoint you, sir.
00:29:03Uh, just one thing.
00:29:08Anything.
00:29:10Kiss him.
00:29:12Excuse me?
00:29:14Kiss your friend.
00:29:16You don't have a problem with that, now, do you?
00:29:20Oh, no.
00:29:22He kisses me every day.
00:29:41I'll just do it.
00:29:47Oh, shit.
00:29:50Is it hot in Chad?
00:29:51As the Libyan raids against U.N. forces near the border continue,
00:29:56this U.S. force is being ready to deter the invasion threatened by the Libyan leader in his television broadcast
00:30:03last night.
00:30:04And as the buildup here continues, the first Army Reserve units arrived here today.
00:30:09These units will aid in the supply and logistical support of the growing U.S. presence here.
00:30:14These troops are in high spirits, and the morale is high, and their hopes are high.
00:30:19And this mission will remain a peaceful.
00:30:22Reporting live from Chad for World Wide News Report, this is Stu Krieger.
00:30:44I am 1st Sergeant Brandon T. Williams.
00:30:47It is my intention to run this company like a clock.
00:30:49If one gear slips in my clock, my clock will tell the wrong time.
00:30:54If one spring is loose in my clock, my clock will tell the wrong time.
00:30:581st Sergeant William's license clock will tell the right time.
00:31:00Do you understand me?
00:31:02Yes, Sergeant!
00:31:04What did he just say?
00:31:05I don't know, something about his clock being broken.
00:31:10Have my words fallen upon deaf ears?
00:31:13Yes, Sergeant!
00:31:15I mean, no, Sergeant.
00:31:17Don't you know I'm your 1st Sergeant?
00:31:21Well, actually, I wish you were my 1st Sergeant, but I already had a couple ones already.
00:31:27Drop!
00:31:28And give me push-ups!
00:31:29You will continue to do push-ups until you learn to address me as 1st Sergeant.
00:31:33Is that clear?
00:31:34Yes, 1st Sergeant!
00:31:36Call!
00:31:361st Sergeant, 2st Sergeant, 3st Sergeant, 4st Sergeant, 5st Sergeant, 6th Sergeant.
00:31:431st Sergeant, 7th Sergeant, 8th Sergeant, 9th 1st Sergeant, 10th 1st Sergeant, 11th 1st Sergeant, 12th 1st Sergeant, 13th 1st
00:31:55Sergeant, 14th 1st Sergeant, 123 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant.
00:32:01That's enough.
00:32:02On your feet.
00:32:04Son, I bet you did a lot of push-ups when you were in basic training, didn't you?
00:32:07Yes, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:09Well, you just did your last push-up, soldier.
00:32:11I will never ask you to do another.
00:32:12Thank you, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:14You just graduated with peeling potatoes.
00:32:166,543, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:196,544, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:231st Sergeant.
00:32:256,505!
00:32:286,001.
00:32:30600,000, 50,000, 452, 1st Sergeant.
00:32:35Okay.
00:32:35Shit, I lost count.
00:32:37We got it, we got it, we got it, look!
00:32:40Oh!
00:32:42That's my butt.
00:32:42That's a good one.
00:32:43I couldn't help it.
00:32:44I was just trying to take you, you guys, get it.
00:32:47Oh, my, yeah.
00:32:48Stop it!
00:32:49No.
00:32:49Okay.
00:32:50Come on, guys.
00:32:51Get out!
00:32:52Get out!
00:32:53Oh!
00:32:54Yeah!
00:32:54Ah!
00:32:56Oh, my God.
00:32:57Oh.
00:32:59Oh.
00:32:59Oh, look.
00:33:22Gabrielle tucked in a little note into my duffel bag.
00:33:26Oh!
00:33:26Yeah.
00:33:28Dear Bones, by the time you read this, I will already be...
00:33:33What?
00:33:34I will already be in Milan with Guido.
00:33:39Oh.
00:33:40She dumped you.
00:33:42Sorry, Bones.
00:33:43I must say, though, this guy sounds really nice.
00:33:45He's got a villa right on the Adriatic Sea.
00:33:47Jack, don't rub it in.
00:33:48No, no, you're better off.
00:33:50She's a horrible speller.
00:33:52There's only one S in loser.
00:33:54Look at that.
00:33:54And immature-ish...
00:33:55I don't even think that's a word.
00:33:57Gabriella.
00:33:59She broke my heart.
00:34:01Sorry.
00:34:02Well, fortunately, I'm too shallow to stay bummed for too long.
00:34:06Oh.
00:34:08Mmm.
00:34:09Uh, would you mind turning the light off, please, Jack?
00:34:12Oh, yeah.
00:34:13Fred, you checked your bag for scorpions, right?
00:34:17Scorpions?
00:34:18He's messing with you, Fred.
00:34:20No, I'm not.
00:34:22Chad is the scorpion capital of the world.
00:34:25Yep, Fred.
00:34:25They're big ones, too.
00:34:26About as big as my fist.
00:34:28They outnumber people two to one.
00:34:30And that margin grows with every sting.
00:34:34So have a good sleep, Fred.
00:34:36Night, everybody.
00:34:37Night, Bones.
00:34:38Night, Sue Allen.
00:34:40Night, John, boy.
00:34:42Scorpions.
00:34:55I got one.
00:34:56I got one!
00:34:57I got one!
00:34:58I got one!
00:34:59I got one!
00:35:01I got one!
00:35:03I got one!
00:35:04I got one!
00:35:05I got one!
00:35:06I got one!
00:35:07I got one!
00:35:08Ah!
00:35:10Very funny!
00:35:12We're just trying to help you get over your fears, Fred, really.
00:35:16Fred, don't worry about it. You come and sleep with me.
00:35:18Yeah, well, I'd rather take my chances with a scorpion. Thank you.
00:35:25God, I hate this.
00:35:27It's not that bad. It's like camp.
00:35:32John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith
00:35:36That's my name, too
00:35:38Whenever we go out
00:35:39Whenever we go out
00:35:41There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith
00:35:44John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith
00:35:49Come on
00:35:50That's my name, too
00:35:53Show!
00:35:54That's my name, too
00:36:13That's my name, too
00:36:23Don't eat the chicken.
00:36:25And it tastes just like frog.
00:36:28Thanks.
00:36:30Enjoy.
00:36:36Ready.
00:36:38Go.
00:36:42Who are you, Zach?
00:36:44Special forces.
00:36:4914.11 seconds.
00:36:51Damn.
00:36:52Try it again.
00:36:55Go.
00:36:56He's incredible.
00:36:58Time me.
00:37:00All right.
00:37:03Go.
00:37:05Go.
00:37:06Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.
00:37:16Well, that is not good.
00:37:18What happened?
00:37:18That is not good.
00:37:20Damn it.
00:37:20Damn it.
00:37:26Oh, great.
00:37:28It's coming over.
00:37:29Just don't look at him.
00:37:32You lose something?
00:37:35Yeah, thanks.
00:37:38Put it in my lasagna.
00:37:40You better call 911, get an ambulance, find a doctor, order a toe tag, because I'm going
00:37:44to tear off your head and spit down your neck.
00:37:46Do you understand me, boy?
00:37:48Ah!
00:37:49Hey, hey.
00:37:52You have to relax a little.
00:37:54Take it easy.
00:37:56We're in the middle of a war, and we're on the same side.
00:38:00Yeah, dude.
00:38:03Would America have won the Civil War if Benjamin Franklin did not get along with Eleanor Roosevelt?
00:38:12Right on.
00:38:12A little knowledge.
00:38:14A little knowledge to partay.
00:38:17Go ahead, man.
00:38:18If our soldiers, our American soldiers, acted like this in Desert Storm, Sodom the same
00:38:26would still be running Iraq.
00:38:28Uh, what?
00:38:35So maybe we're a bunch of reservists fresh off the plane, right?
00:38:38It's obvious.
00:38:40But you regular guys, you've been here so long that your brains are fried.
00:38:44Right.
00:38:45So I guess what I'm really trying to say is...
00:38:48Come on, genius.
00:38:49Sit down.
00:38:51That doesn't mean we all can't be friends.
00:38:55Please.
00:38:56There's only one problem with you, Newby's Hope.
00:38:58Tell the truth, man.
00:39:00You don't eat enough.
00:39:02No, that's...
00:39:06Attention!
00:39:19As you were.
00:39:28Son.
00:39:29I bet the mess sergeant could use a volunteer to peel potatoes.
00:39:33Yes, sir.
00:39:34Can I count on you?
00:39:35Yes, sir.
00:39:37Carry on.
00:39:40I happen to know, on this base, there's not one unpeeled potato.
00:39:52I don't forget, I got the $1,000.
00:39:55I want to go, I'll get all of them.
00:39:58I heard the Libyans are already backing down, and we're going to be out of here in two weeks.
00:40:02Yeah?
00:40:03Well, I hear they're sending 20,000 more troops, and we're going to be here until Christmas.
00:40:07All right, then.
00:40:08Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:40:10Where you going?
00:40:13Sound like I got bad breath.
00:40:22And until they comply with you in resolution 991, I don't think anybody's going anywhere.
00:40:28All right.
00:40:29Oh, you're amazing, Christine.
00:40:31How do you keep up with all that stuff?
00:40:36Christine?
00:40:38Christine?
00:40:42All right, quit screwing around.
00:40:46Chris, send some water with this mud.
00:40:56Chris!
00:41:01Jack?
00:41:07Fred!
00:41:13How does it feel to be dead, motor boy?
00:41:18I don't know.
00:41:19How does it feel to be a dick, dick?
00:41:29Damn it!
00:41:30Where's my water?
00:41:31There was none delivered last night, first sergeant.
00:41:37Goddamn piece of shit, newbies.
00:41:40How am I going to run a decent HQ without my coffee?
00:41:48That is truly a pathetic sight.
00:41:51Who perpetrated this?
00:42:05Who did this to you?
00:42:08I can't tell you, first sergeant.
00:42:10What?
00:42:10You have too much honor?
00:42:12Oh.
00:42:14I've been threatened with death.
00:42:16Untie these clowns.
00:42:18And give me some water!
00:42:19Ow!
00:42:27I have an announcement.
00:42:29Do you guys want your water?
00:42:31Because you're looking a little bit crispy.
00:42:33You better what?
00:42:33Oh, I know, I know, I know.
00:42:35Tell me if this is right.
00:42:36I better call 976.
00:42:38Find a doctor and tag an ambulance.
00:42:40Because you're going to tear off my toe
00:42:41and spit down my head, right?
00:42:43Do you guys want your water or not?
00:42:45Sergeant!
00:42:47Report to Captain Roberts.
00:42:48You've got a mission.
00:42:50Water, boys.
00:42:53Report to 1st Sergeant Williams.
00:42:54You've got a mission, too.
00:42:56Listen up!
00:42:57Captain Denby says we're going to resupply the forward UN peacekeeping base.
00:43:02This is a very simple, routine mission.
00:43:06You will fall into line in a very large, very prepared convoy.
00:43:09All you have to do is follow the truck in front of you.
00:43:13When your troops get thirsty, you will give them water.
00:43:16Conway, you look confused.
00:43:18Are you sure you want to send us to a forward area?
00:43:20We're just water, boys.
00:43:21You are soldiers.
00:43:23You will get in that convoy,
00:43:24and you will be a credit to the United States Army.
00:43:27Is that clear?
00:43:27Yes, 1st Sergeant!
00:43:29Then muster your lollygagging bus for getting ticket.
00:43:31Move out!
00:43:31Yes, 1st Sergeant!
00:43:40Yes, 1st Sergeant!
00:43:42Yes, 1st Sergeant!
00:44:01Damn it.
00:44:02Forget it. They're going to send a tow truck.
00:44:08Man, what I wouldn't do for a double meat chili cheeseburger right now.
00:44:13No, a margarita on the rocks.
00:44:18Or some fresh buttery jiffy pop.
00:44:21That's not popcorn, boys.
00:44:24Hmm?
00:44:25That convoy's under attack.
00:44:29Really? I don't think so.
00:44:35Maniac shooting at us!
00:44:37Maniac, it's the enemy!
00:44:38What the hell are you doing?
00:44:39Surrendering!
00:44:40Don't shoot!
00:44:46No!
00:44:52Steel!
00:44:56Nice going, Christine.
00:44:58Did you have to shoot so close, huh?
00:45:00You scared the shit out of me.
00:45:02Well, excuse me for living.
00:45:03I was just trying to save your worthless little life.
00:45:05Christine, are you aware that after a near-death experience,
00:45:09there's often a desire to have sex?
00:45:11Yeah, Jack.
00:45:12That's right.
00:45:13I feel it.
00:45:15All right.
00:45:17Just not with you.
00:45:19Ever.
00:45:20Got it?
00:45:21Yeah.
00:45:22Got it.
00:45:23I'm glad we could have this little talk.
00:45:25I didn't feel anything.
00:45:27You guys, let's get out of here.
00:45:29The truck's on fire!
00:45:47Stay long!
00:45:49It's gonna...
00:45:57Explode.
00:46:00Where's phone?
00:46:04Hello!
00:46:10Now rickety-tick your mustering lollygaggin'
00:46:14let's lollygaggin' out of here!
00:46:27Is it the road that way?
00:46:29I'm taking the shortcut.
00:46:31Is there one?
00:46:31Uh-huh.
00:46:32The road curves around like this.
00:46:34All we gotta do is cut the desert here
00:46:37and catch up the convoy over there.
00:46:39Watch out! Come on!
00:46:40I think I know what I'm doing here.
00:46:42I guess this is the wrong time to tell you guys
00:46:44I get very easily car-sinked.
00:46:48Yeah.
00:47:02Bones, I don't see a road.
00:47:05I have the best sense of direction of anyone you know.
00:47:08The road's over there.
00:47:10Three miles.
00:47:11Maybe four.
00:47:12Oh, yeah.
00:47:13Maybe ten.
00:47:15Maybe twenty.
00:47:17Maybe our truck is sinking.
00:47:21No!
00:47:22No!
00:47:39Push!
00:47:40Ah!
00:47:42Hey, forget it, okay?
00:47:43Just shut it down.
00:47:44We'll kick it out.
00:47:45No, stand back.
00:47:46Stand back!
00:47:47I'm gonna rock it!
00:47:54You're quitting.
00:47:54It's not working.
00:47:56You're sucking too much sand into the air filter.
00:47:59I order you to shut it down now.
00:48:02You order me?
00:48:04Yeah, but I'm private first class, okay?
00:48:06I'm ordering you.
00:48:07Come on.
00:48:08The only reason you made private first class
00:48:12is because your brother is a poor man.
00:48:21You're happy?
00:48:22You're happy?
00:48:26Yeah, well, I hope you brought your triple A card.
00:48:29Let's see.
00:48:36Well, look, you cracked the block.
00:48:38I could have done it if you hadn't stopped me.
00:48:40Yeah, you're so full of it.
00:48:42You know what?
00:48:43Shut up!
00:48:44We gotta figure out what we're gonna do.
00:48:46Well, then why don't you just ask our fearless leader here?
00:48:49Private first class bones, the one with the highest rank.
00:48:52All you had to do, Jack, was just listen to me, okay?
00:48:55I was trying to...
00:48:56All I've ever done is listen to you, and look where it's taken me.
00:48:58Look!
00:49:00We're in the middle of some African hellhole,
00:49:02under a flesh-frying sun,
00:49:04with the sky filled with vultures,
00:49:06ready to pluck out my eyeballs.
00:49:09Vultures don't come around unless something's about to die.
00:49:29Are you ripping the sleeves off your jacket?
00:49:33Oh, that's gonna look sexy.
00:49:36Jack, tomorrow, we have to walk away from this water truck.
00:49:40We have two canteens between us.
00:49:42We're gonna fill up the sleeves of our jackets with water,
00:49:44and then we have more water.
00:49:45Am I the only person who would pay attention in survival class?
00:49:52There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:54There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:55That's enough!
00:49:57There's not a scorpion on your back!
00:50:00Uh-uh.
00:50:02There is a scorpion on my back!
00:50:04Frank, there's nothing on your back!
00:50:07You keep on imagining things!
00:50:08Yes!
00:50:13I needed that.
00:50:14No, I'm...
00:50:16I'm sorry I snapped.
00:50:18Look, you don't have to apologize.
00:50:20You're right!
00:50:22I see things very clear now.
00:50:25All right, Fred!
00:50:26Look, guys, I wanna apologize to everybody, okay?
00:50:29He's okay!
00:50:30I feel like a brand-new man!
00:50:31All right.
00:50:31Now, can we get some rest?
00:50:33Okay.
00:50:34Okay.
00:50:44What are you doing?
00:50:47Just felt like...
00:50:50He's always playing.
00:50:52Did you guys see that thing?
00:50:54It was...
00:51:04Follow me.
00:51:05I know exactly where I'm going.
00:51:09Trust me.
00:51:35You guys, get down!
00:51:36I see something!
00:51:37Get down!
00:51:37Get down!
00:51:49It's a truck!
00:51:50There's the road!
00:51:51We are safe!
00:51:52I told you I had a flawless sense of direction!
00:51:57What a coincidence!
00:51:58That truck looks...
00:52:00That looks like our truck!
00:52:08Hey, listen, you guys.
00:52:10Hey, I figured out why we went in circles.
00:52:14Do you remember our map reading class?
00:52:16We didn't follow the sun.
00:52:21Look, this stream is due west.
00:52:25All we have to do is walk away from the sun in the morning and towards the sun in the
00:52:30afternoon.
00:52:30We should be there by nightfall.
00:52:32So, you're saying we should risk being dried up into human jerky again just to follow another one of your
00:52:38half-baked plans.
00:52:40I'm not saying anything, okay?
00:52:42I mean, I'm pretty sure this is gonna work.
00:52:43But since I let us down before, I say from here on in, we put everything to a vote.
00:52:49We can't vote.
00:52:51You order, we follow.
00:52:53Okay, well, I order us to vote.
00:52:55That is not how the army goes.
00:52:57You have to tell us what to do.
00:53:00Well, what if I'm wrong?
00:53:04Then we die.
00:53:11I order us to do a sun-baked plan thing.
00:53:17We're dead.
00:53:21Hey, guys.
00:53:23Just think of it as a very long day on a very big beach in a very dry year.
00:53:49Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:53:50Wait a minute.
00:53:51It's the ocean.
00:53:53I don't see anything.
00:53:54What are you, blind?
00:53:56The waves.
00:53:57It's the ocean.
00:53:59It's a mirage.
00:54:01It is a mirage.
00:54:03And there's Caesars.
00:54:04And right across the street is the Barbary Coast.
00:54:07We can get a $3.99 buffet.
00:54:09And it's the ocean.
00:54:11Come on.
00:54:13Come on.
00:54:14Go.
00:54:16Come on.
00:54:18We're running.
00:54:20Come on.
00:54:34Here's the canteen.
00:54:35Go get your boy, because he's bugging.
00:54:51You okay, man?
00:54:53You okay?
00:54:54Here, take a sip.
00:54:57Listen.
00:54:59Look, Jack, we've got two choices.
00:55:02One, we can put your clothes back on.
00:55:04We can get ourselves out of this mess.
00:55:05Go back to Glendale.
00:55:06Start up our own store.
00:55:07Become rich and famous.
00:55:09Or two, you can lie here butt naked and crushed away,
00:55:13leaving your skull to be found by a young Arabic prince
00:55:16that's going to use it for an ashtray.
00:55:21You don't want that in your head.
00:55:24You make the call.
00:55:25Come on.
00:55:25Let's get out of here.
00:55:27What do you say?
00:55:28Come on.
00:55:29Here.
00:55:31Here.
00:55:32Here.
00:55:32Here.
00:55:33Here.
00:55:34Here.
00:55:35Here.
00:55:35Come on.
00:55:36Come on.
00:55:37Here.
00:55:38Come on.
00:55:39Here.
00:55:41Hey.
00:55:43Oh, oh, Jack.
00:55:44Look at that ass.
00:55:45Maybe you should stay naked.
00:55:47Get some sun on those cheeks.
00:55:57What?
00:55:58Oh, man.
00:55:59Man, now, I'm seeing things.
00:56:01The palm tree's right on the horizon.
00:56:03Oh, it's another mirage.
00:56:05Oh, my God.
00:56:06I see it, too.
00:56:07It's not a mirage.
00:56:09Those are the palm trees.
00:56:11It's the oasis.
00:56:12Oh, man.
00:56:13You saved our life.
00:56:15Ha, ha, ha.
00:56:21Where's my kiss?
00:56:23Christine.
00:56:30The street was due west, right?
00:56:33It was on the map, right?
00:56:35Where's the water?
00:56:39This is sand.
00:56:47Nobody move.
00:56:50There is a big snake right by your feet.
00:56:55No!
00:56:57Thanks for not moving, Jack.
00:57:01Throw me the gun.
00:57:04If you don't attack it, it'll go away.
00:57:07I don't want it to go away.
00:57:09I want to have it for dinner.
00:57:10Throw me the gun.
00:57:24You want some of this, baby, huh?
00:57:26There you go.
00:57:27Come on.
00:57:28Oh, oh.
00:57:30Oh, no.
00:57:31I'm still going to get you.
00:57:36It's time for me.
00:57:37I'll kill you.
00:57:42Huh?
00:57:43Shoulda, but da, da, da, da, da.
00:57:51It's a win-win situation.
00:57:56Will you look at that?
00:57:59Water from the bullet hole.
00:58:04Water!
00:58:06Water!
00:58:07Water!
00:58:08Yeah!
00:58:09Water!
00:58:11I can't believe it!
00:58:13Water!
00:58:14Is it snake yet?
00:58:16Depends how you like it.
00:58:18Well done.
00:58:20Used to be afraid of scorpions.
00:58:22Now he's eating snake.
00:58:23That is impressive for him.
00:58:27I thought we were all going to die.
00:58:30But you pulled us through.
00:58:32I don't know how, but thank you.
00:58:47That was, uh, pretty exceptional.
00:58:53So what are you going to do if I get us rescued?
00:58:59Um, I will take off all your clothes.
00:59:06Tie you to the bed.
00:59:11Rub warm oil all over your body.
00:59:15From the bottom of those feet to the top of that head.
00:59:19And proceed to have the nastiest, freakiest sex with you that you have ever imagined.
00:59:30Oh, that's it.
00:59:31Damn it!
00:59:32I saw her first.
00:59:33And look what happens.
00:59:35Same thing that happened with Gabriela.
00:59:37I saw her first.
00:59:39And, and, and Wanda Tushman in the third grade.
00:59:41I saw her first.
00:59:42And that girl in Palm Springs.
00:59:44It turned out to be the guy.
00:59:45I saw that thing first, too.
00:59:47You know why I'm not just strangling you right now?
00:59:51Because you can't cook a snake?
00:59:53No.
00:59:55Because no matter how long we've been friends, I never thought you'd be the kind of guy that would save
01:00:01our lives.
01:00:02Let alone kill a snake.
01:00:05But you did.
01:00:06Oh, hey, man.
01:00:07Thanks.
01:00:08Yeah.
01:00:10I, I think it's the U.N. flag.
01:00:12We're safe.
01:00:15Guys, Christine and I are going to need some time alone.
01:00:18Sure, man.
01:00:22The President is in the situation room of the White House today.
01:00:26And the President is scheduled to address the nation tomorrow at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
01:00:31We will, of course, bring that to you live.
01:00:33You are the Reservers from Glendale, California, correct?
01:00:37According to WNR, you are presumed dead in a truck explosion.
01:00:41Um, where are we?
01:00:45You are on a military base, well inside Libya.
01:00:48That is all you need to know.
01:00:50Oh, I forgot to mention.
01:00:53The war is starting tomorrow.
01:00:55How did you know that?
01:00:57American TV.
01:00:59Your country is expected to start bombing our air bases tomorrow.
01:01:03And when that happens, we will unleash missiles with chemical warheads against your bases.
01:01:09Consider yourself lucky to be here.
01:01:11Sleep well.
01:01:15You know, this is fine.
01:01:16It's like the time you got us arrested, Tijuana.
01:01:18Except we're in Libya.
01:01:20And your dad's not going to pick us up here, brother.
01:01:25Yo, it's...
01:01:26Aren't you guys also American?
01:01:32Oh, see, I see.
01:01:34I was wounded and I don't feel well.
01:01:36Please, sing a song to comfort me.
01:01:38Sing a song?
01:01:39Any song.
01:01:42Oh, because...
01:01:43Oh, okay.
01:01:46Rescue me.
01:01:48Sing.
01:01:48Uh-huh.
01:01:49What?
01:01:50I want your tenure.
01:01:51Sounds good.
01:01:52Keep on me alone now.
01:01:55My team was on strategic recon.
01:01:58Huh?
01:01:59You know, that's when you go behind enemy lines and you try to locate their assets like tanks
01:02:03and bunkers.
01:02:04We were on our way to a resupply drop and we were ambushed.
01:02:07The other guys were killed.
01:02:08Killed?
01:02:10I died.
01:02:12Can't you see that I love you?
01:02:14I took a bullet in the leg and they brought me here.
01:02:16Uh-huh.
01:02:18I don't know any words to this song.
01:02:20Kiss me, baby.
01:02:21Kiss me, baby.
01:02:22Kiss me, baby.
01:02:23Hold me, baby.
01:02:25Hold me, baby.
01:02:26Hold me, baby.
01:02:26Hold me, baby.
01:02:27Use this to dig around the base of the bars on the window.
01:02:31I got one of them loose all over.
01:02:32You want to escape?
01:02:33What are you, crazy?
01:02:35Look.
01:02:38Look, it's the duty of every POW to try to escape.
01:02:41We're in the middle of a desert.
01:02:42Sir, what good is it going to do for us to escape?
01:02:44To complete the recon mission, soldier, a special operations cargo plane was instructed to make
01:02:49a supply drop at a rendezvous point about 15K north here.
01:02:53If we can get off this base, I can get us to the rendezvous want.
01:02:56You're insane, okay?
01:02:57The Libyans are going to launch chemical weapons.
01:02:59We're much safer here.
01:03:00No.
01:03:00I'm a soldier and I got a job to do.
01:03:03So are you.
01:03:05Now get to work.
01:03:07Private.
01:03:08I'm lonely.
01:03:11Rescue me.
01:03:12You worried, baby?
01:03:24Bye.
01:03:25Ah, ah, ah, ah.
01:03:28My heart.
01:03:30You know what?
01:03:31You didn't scare me.
01:03:33I just felt like screaming.
01:03:34Don't worry about it.
01:03:35Most men think I'm scary.
01:03:40So you can't sleep, huh?
01:03:42I'm too excited.
01:03:44Excited?
01:03:44They might torture us tomorrow.
01:03:46They might even kill us.
01:03:48I know.
01:03:48It's just like the night before Christmas.
01:03:50Yeah, well, at my house, we got presents.
01:03:53I'm talking about the anticipation.
01:03:57We might die.
01:03:59We might escape it.
01:04:01We don't know what's going to happen.
01:04:02That's the coolest thing in the whole world.
01:04:05Most girls are into horses and stuff.
01:04:08You're weird.
01:04:10Most men say that, too.
01:04:14I like it.
01:04:17You do?
01:04:20Yeah.
01:04:21Horses are boring.
01:04:31So, if I do get us out of here, and I will,
01:04:35is it true what you said about tying me up
01:04:37and all that wild, sick stuff?
01:04:40I'll have you kiss me again.
01:04:44Okay.
01:04:48Get away.
01:04:49I think I got it.
01:04:52Wait, look.
01:04:53Look at it.
01:04:54You got it?
01:04:54Yeah, look.
01:04:56Oh!
01:04:57Oh!
01:05:01Stern!
01:05:03Stern!
01:05:04You gotta wake up.
01:05:05I can't turn the alarm off.
01:05:06It's not an alarm.
01:05:07It's an air raid siren.
01:05:08Oh, thank God.
01:05:11I thought I was having another panic attack.
01:05:16Oh!
01:05:19No!
01:05:20No!
01:05:22Ah!
01:05:27Ah!
01:05:33Ah!
01:05:34It's OK.
01:05:36Ah!
01:05:41Ah!
01:05:44Ah!
01:05:54Yes.
01:05:59Almost.
01:06:00Try again.
01:06:02Okay, gosh.
01:06:09That was good.
01:06:09Just a little more to the left.
01:06:11We got him.
01:06:12Yeah, you guys just keep trying.
01:06:14Do you guys realize what we are doing right now?
01:06:17This is a scene from Pirates of the Caribbean.
01:06:20All we need is that mangy dog, right?
01:06:24And then we can go...
01:06:25Why?
01:06:25Just try it again.
01:06:30Yeah!
01:06:31Oh!
01:06:32Oh!
01:06:36Oh!
01:06:37Oh!
01:06:40Oh!
01:06:41Oh!
01:06:42Oh!
01:06:42Oh!
01:06:42Oh!
01:06:42Oh!
01:06:43Oh!
01:06:43Oh!
01:06:57How much do you love me?
01:07:09I'm sorry.
01:07:10I don't get it.
01:07:10What is it with us and trucks?
01:07:12I mean, we get them, we break them, we smash them, we crash them, we run out of gas.
01:07:15I don't get it.
01:07:16Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I understand that, but we're not getting tortured by Baba Gadoosh right now,
01:07:21okay?
01:07:21No.
01:07:22No.
01:07:22Instead, we're lost in the desert again, without food and water again, stuck with this special forces guy.
01:07:30He can't, he can't, he can't, he can't, he can't, he can't, he can't, he can't even walk because he
01:07:31got his legs shot up.
01:07:32Fred, we're free.
01:07:33Yeah, and we're gonna die free!
01:07:35Or maybe not.
01:07:4355 American dollars.
01:07:47And then on top of it, see this, Chuck?
01:07:51Serious, bona fide Libyan army fighting machine, and it's all part of this amazing offer, my friend.
01:07:58And maybe if you're lucky, you might even have a Koi track.
01:08:00You can play abuda-ba-da-ba-da stuff on it.
01:08:04Huh?
01:08:05And you ask me, how could it be?
01:08:07Why such a deal?
01:08:08Because we're crazy, boys.
01:08:11We're giving it away.
01:08:16I know all I was in the song.
01:08:18Hmm?
01:08:21You like this watch?
01:08:23Is it interesting?
01:08:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:08:25Not the watch.
01:08:27Come on, it's got the phases of the moon and the compass.
01:08:31What?
01:08:32This has a compass?
01:08:34Yeah.
01:08:34Really?
01:08:35Yeah, well, we've been stuck in the desert for three days, and you're telling me this watch has a compass.
01:08:39Sorry.
01:08:40Ooh, Jack.
01:08:41Ooh, you're gonna get some noogies later.
01:08:43I'm gonna just pound you like this.
01:08:45I forgot.
01:08:46Yeah, well, uh...
01:08:46About the compass.
01:08:47Well, you're gonna forget about your little watch here, Jack, because it's gone.
01:08:51Uh-huh.
01:08:52Here you go, my friend.
01:08:54Hey, you guys.
01:08:55In my life, I've seen a lot of camel's toes, but I never see one in a camel.
01:09:03I think he's got a crush on you, Bones.
01:09:06Really?
01:09:06How can you tell?
01:09:08Because he's been nibbling on your ears.
01:09:11Yeah?
01:09:12And licking on your neck.
01:09:14It's okay.
01:09:16You're just a camel.
01:09:17What do you mean?
01:09:20Mm-hmm.
01:09:21Our supply drop's on the other side of that Libyan base.
01:09:24What Libyan base?
01:09:25Bones, are you blind?
01:09:27It's a Libyan base covered with a camo tent.
01:09:29What are you talking about?
01:09:31I guess we're gonna have to go around it.
01:09:33Around what?
01:09:35See that jeep right there?
01:09:36Mm-hmm.
01:09:37I see the jeep.
01:09:37Okay.
01:09:38But I certainly don't...
01:09:41Oh, you mean that Libyan base, the one under the camo tent.
01:09:46I thought you guys were talking about some other Libyan base.
01:09:50Will there be medical supplies?
01:09:51Medical supplies, uniforms, food, water, radio, everything you need.
01:09:56Yeah, but where is it?
01:09:57It's supposed to be right here.
01:10:00Hey, you guys!
01:10:01Come on!
01:10:04Hey, come on, you guys!
01:10:06Come on!
01:10:27Hot wheels!
01:10:36Oh.
01:10:43Stern, these things are intense. No wonder people joined the army.
01:10:47Be all that you can be in the army.
01:10:52What happened to him?
01:10:54His leg looks pretty bad. I think it's infected because he lost a lot of blood.
01:10:58But look at his gums. They're fabulous, man. Not a touch of gingivitis.
01:11:02He's been flossing.
01:11:03Yeah, but why is he acting so wasted?
01:11:05Oh, that's the morphine.
01:11:07Absolutely. The morphine better.
01:11:12Hello? Somebody answer us, please. You gotta believe us.
01:11:15We're stuck out here in the middle. Please, just help us.
01:11:18Get a hold of yourself, soldier.
01:11:20Oh, thank God it's you.
01:11:22Listen. Don't say my name.
01:11:24What did I say to you when you first arrived in Chad?
01:11:28Uh, something about your clock being broken?
01:11:30Close enough.
01:11:32Okay, calm down, son. We're gonna get you out of there.
01:11:35Now listen carefully. Your call sign is now Glendale.
01:11:39Our call sign is now Burbank.
01:11:43Did you recover the fast attack vehicles, Glendale?
01:11:45Oh, you mean those dune buggies.
01:11:47Yeah, those things are intense.
01:11:49Good.
01:11:50This equipment was intended for the special forces team to carry out a vital mission.
01:11:54You are our only assets on the ground with the right equipment in the right place.
01:12:00Say what?
01:12:01You have to take over, Glendale.
01:12:04Listen, let me explain something first of all, Sergeant.
01:12:07We're water boys.
01:12:09Your soldiers first, Glendale.
01:12:12Now, listen up.
01:12:14The Libyans have a mobile scud launching base right in your area.
01:12:19These scuds are loaded with chemical weapons and targeted at U.S. bases.
01:12:23Our aerial photographs haven't been able to find them.
01:12:26You want us to find them?
01:12:28Well, what about Stern? Stern can find them.
01:12:30He'll be up pretty soon. Stern?
01:12:31Daddy, why can't I go to ballet class?
01:12:35Teacher says I'm a natural.
01:12:38These scuds can't be spotted from the air because of heavy camouflage.
01:12:43Camouflage?
01:12:45Why didn't you say so in the first place?
01:12:47Listen, we saw the thing this morning.
01:12:49Stern wrote down the coordinates, right, Stern?
01:12:51We'll tell you where it is.
01:12:53You guys can come here and bomb the hell out of it.
01:12:56Come on, send the Air Force.
01:12:57It's not enough to tell us.
01:12:59You have to go back there and paint it.
01:13:02Paint it?
01:13:04Trust me, it looks perfectly fine the way it is.
01:13:06I mean paint it with the laser.
01:13:08The laser target designator is in your equipment.
01:13:12All you have to do is return to that base, point the laser at it,
01:13:16and call me back on the radio.
01:13:18The Air Force will do the rest.
01:13:19You can be a mile away in perfect safety.
01:13:24All right, wait a minute.
01:13:26Chris!
01:13:27What?
01:13:28Get over here.
01:13:29Bones, they can't make us do anything.
01:13:30We don't know how to use this stuff.
01:13:32Fred, do you use lasers in dentistry, right?
01:13:36Uh-uh.
01:13:36I know what's going on.
01:13:37You're gonna try to make the brother hold the laser, right?
01:13:39No.
01:13:39My laser was a little itty-bitty laser.
01:13:41This is a big laser.
01:13:42There's a difference.
01:13:44Glendale!
01:13:44Glendale!
01:13:45No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:13:46Can't they just evacuate the bases?
01:13:48Yeah, or we can take an hour out of our busy lives,
01:13:51hop in these cool dune buggies,
01:13:53pop the base with the laser,
01:13:54and let the Air Force blow the hell out of it.
01:13:56Now you listen to me, Glendale.
01:13:58Please, hold yourself there one second.
01:14:00I'm just trying to have a moment with my friends.
01:14:02Is that okay?
01:14:02Just have a cup of java.
01:14:04Please, chill.
01:14:08Fred, when you first got here, you were completely freaked, right?
01:14:12Yeah.
01:14:13And now look at you, huh?
01:14:15You're a regular G.I. Joe, a fighting man from head to toe.
01:14:19And, Chris, you wanted infantry.
01:14:22Well, now's your chance.
01:14:24Let's see what you got.
01:14:27And, Jack, my friend, you were a complete screw-up.
01:14:31But now look at you.
01:14:32You're still a screw-up, but if you did this and you survived,
01:14:36you'd have stuff to tell your little screw-up grandkids.
01:14:39Basically, you guys, up to a few months ago,
01:14:41we were all a bunch of minimum-wage losers from Glendale.
01:14:44But this whole event has changed our lives.
01:14:47You know who we owe it to?
01:14:48The army.
01:14:50This is something we gotta do.
01:14:52Come on, just go with it.
01:14:54Chris, I know you're with me.
01:14:57Yeah, boy.
01:14:58Fred, listen, if you can't handle it, I understand, man.
01:15:01I can handle it.
01:15:04Jack, what do you say, man?
01:15:07Oh, I say you're crazy.
01:15:09I think you're all nuts.
01:15:11But if you're the private first class, I'm the private.
01:15:14I'm gonna follow you, my friend, wherever.
01:15:17All right, you guys, let's do this thing.
01:15:20Kick it, man.
01:15:21Darren, you ready?
01:15:24Let's go, Bone.
01:15:24I know, I know.
01:15:26It's just a little bit of business I have to take care of.
01:15:33You're gonna have to go now.
01:15:36You're gonna have to go be all the camel that you can be.
01:15:44Bye.
01:15:49All right, troops!
01:15:53Let's go bust some Scuds!
01:15:55Let's go bust some Scuds!
01:15:59Stand down!
01:16:09Let's go bust some Scuds!
01:16:48All right, Glendale to Burbank, come in.
01:16:50I wish we had cooler codenames.
01:16:52What was that, Glendale?
01:16:54Nothing, I was just saying that these codenames suck.
01:16:57Can I call you General Sweetpants?
01:16:59You better remember who you're talking to, Glendale. Are you in position?
01:17:02Guy's got no sense of humor. Yeah, we can see the target.
01:17:06Have you painted it with the laser?
01:17:11Just did.
01:17:13Good going, Glendale. The airstrike is inbound.
01:17:16You should acquire the target in seven minutes.
01:17:19It is vital that you do not take the laser off the target until the target is destroyed.
01:17:24Can you hold it there for seven minutes?
01:17:26I got it propped up here on the rock. I can hold it here all day long. I'm good to
01:17:30go.
01:17:31No problem, Burbank.
01:17:32Good. Lay low. And report any change in situation. We'll be standing by. Out.
01:17:55Come on. Come on.
01:18:04Tell me again about the store.
01:18:07Oh, the store. Well, it's gonna be great.
01:18:10We're gonna have our own room where people can get their feet massaged.
01:18:26Sorrow...
01:18:35Burbank! Burbank burbank!
01:18:38hold your position glendale and keep that laser on the target on the target we are the target
01:18:47tell them to hurry up you better hurry we got 60 pissed off libyans heading towards us
01:18:52stay with it stay with it
01:18:57let's get these guys yeah come on okay
01:19:01get out of bed all right this is for the glendale water boy
01:19:16not bad huh
01:19:40reload
01:19:50oh
01:19:51oh
01:20:25where are you going soldiers we know you can do it
01:20:27oh perfect i'm gonna find you the biggest bottle of champagne in chan yeah well don't pop the court yet
01:20:34the bomb's nest
01:20:35the base wasn't hit you better send another airstrike here and send it fast wait one
01:20:49glendale the backup strike of f-111s is being diverted to your target
01:20:53three minutes three minutes what are you crazy we don't have three minutes in three minutes we're
01:20:59shish kebabs we're under serious attack you'll have to hold them
01:21:18oh shit oh my god you better get the planes here sooner the scuds are ready to fire
01:21:24two minutes and thirty seconds
01:21:26two minutes and thirty seconds
01:21:29hey hey where's he going
01:21:43oh
01:21:50you stay right here i gotta go
01:22:03You guys, move up, move over.
01:22:06Uh, whoa.
01:22:08Cock-firing mechanism.
01:22:11Report the situation.
01:22:14Shut up.
01:22:28Aim at that range, if known, or estimate.
01:22:31Who came up with these directions?
01:22:33I don't know.
01:22:34Tell me to shut up one more time when I'm going to rip your spine out and use it for
01:22:37a putting iron.
01:22:38Shut up.
01:22:39I'm not good with directions.
01:22:43Push, safety, and hold down.
01:22:46Okay, now everybody back.
01:22:48Fire by pushing trigger.
01:22:51Whoa.
01:22:55Suck on this a one time.
01:23:03Oh, sorry.
01:23:10Last chance, my friend.
01:23:13Whoa.
01:23:38Yes!
01:23:39Yeah!
01:23:40Yeah!
01:23:41Yeah!
01:23:43Yeah!
01:23:45Yeah!
01:23:46Yeah!
01:23:47Yeah!
01:23:47Oh, man!
01:23:48Yeah!
01:23:49Oh!
01:23:50Oh!
01:23:51That's my signal.
01:23:52Everybody scream like crazy.
01:23:54Make them think we've got 50 guys up here, okay?
01:23:57One, and go!
01:24:00Yeah!
01:24:14We scared them!
01:24:17I can't believe we scared them out!
01:24:21Yeah!
01:24:25Don't mess with the Glendale Reserves!
01:24:29Two weeks a year, one week in a month, we're the few!
01:24:35We're the proud!
01:24:36We're the water boys!
01:24:41All stuck!
01:24:42Get down!
01:24:44Get down!
01:25:12Get down!
01:25:20Yeah!
01:25:22Yeah!
01:25:22Yeah!
01:25:23Yeah!
01:25:33Yeah!
01:25:35Hey, right!
01:25:36Mr. Poles, not bad for a bunch of water boys, huh?
01:25:40No, soldiers, I'm proud of you guys.
01:25:44Not now!
01:25:52You ought to be damn pleased with yourselves.
01:25:56Congratulations, you did an outstanding job.
01:25:59It wasn't a job for a sergeant, it was an adventure.
01:26:35You're going to have to go get a blood test phone.
01:26:37What?
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