- 8 minutes ago
Malcolm In The Middle Life's Still Unfair S01E01-2 (2026)
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00:07What are you looking at?
00:09Please!
00:12It's stealing money from the church.
00:23You're going to put your hands inside of Mommy and take out this baby.
00:29And someone actually asked for more of this.
00:33I really appreciate the opportunity.
00:36Everyone in my class was after this internship.
00:38I fought tooth and nail for it.
00:39No problem. We are glad to have you.
00:41So, what do you guys do?
00:44Well, we install computer systems in grocery store chains and food manufacturers
00:48to align their inventory software with food banks and shelters all across the country.
00:53So instead of unused food getting dumped, it goes to people who actually need it.
00:57Got it. And what is a food bank?
01:01Maybe watch our video a few more times.
01:08Yeah, I look different.
01:10But hey, everything about me is different.
01:12I'm happy. I'm successful.
01:15I've learned to work productively with idiots.
01:17My life is fantastic now.
01:20You want to know how I did it?
01:22All I had to do is stay completely away from my family.
01:26Let me go!
01:39You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out.
01:42These things have lasted for six months.
01:44You know, I can call back later.
01:45Come on, Dewey. You've seen this like a thousand times.
01:47It's just a normal human body doing normal human behavior.
01:52Undergrowth.
01:54How's the concert tour?
01:56It's fine.
01:57But I'm really sorry I'm not going to make your anniversary party.
02:00I'm sad too, but you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty.
02:03I mean, what if Carl Gustav wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?
02:07Is Jamie going to make it?
02:08I think so. He put in for relief.
02:09Towel! Towel! Towel!
02:13Trauma averted. Thank you.
02:15Okay, that's tidy up.
02:16Hey, Dewey.
02:17Hi, Kelly. How's school?
02:18Beneath me. How's Sonia?
02:20Oh, um, it's not Sonia anymore. It's Lisbon.
02:22No! Annette! Anyway, she's good. We're really connecting.
02:26We're going to go shopping later. Do them want to come?
02:31Him can't come with we. Us has homework.
02:33Hey, he's trying. Don't mock him for it.
02:35I'm not afraid of you.
02:37That's not...
02:37I get good grades. I help around the house.
02:39I'm your only kid without a file at the police station. I'm untouchable.
02:43Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while.
02:48I love you.
02:49Oh, that just sounds sarcastic.
02:51I love you.
02:52Now you sound annoyed.
02:53What can I do? It's your timbre.
02:56I love you. I love you. I love you.
02:58The middle one was nice. Thank you.
03:03So back in college, I completely turned my life around.
03:06Because I realized, the less contact I have with my family, the less I have like a sociopath.
03:12I've become more patient, less angry, way more mature.
03:16Anytime I am around them, it takes me like two seconds to revert.
03:20For crying out loud, I speak fluent Spanish.
03:22I know how to say quesadilla.
03:24I don't know. It sounded like you said cusadilla.
03:26Oh, no.
03:26You're like, quesadilla.
03:29Siempre hacen esto.
03:30Intente con la guía a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada.
03:33Say exactamente cómo van a enseñar quesadilla.
03:36Quesadilla!
03:37That's it. That's what he said.
03:38That's what he said.
03:38Quesadilla!
03:44Grandma's television was plasma.
03:46I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her, and it was obvious from the rich deep black.
03:50You're insane.
03:51She bought that TV in 2015, right?
03:53They already had full-array LEDs with the same picture quality for a quarter of the price.
03:58It's not showing off.
03:59It's a completely sensible, mid-price sedan.
04:02Why don't you just admit you're stuck up and shoving your shiny new car in my face to make me
04:05feel bad.
04:06Is this stuck up?
04:07Is this showing off?
04:10Is this me trying to make you feel bad?
04:14It's not them.
04:15It's me.
04:16Being around them.
04:17So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact.
04:21My house is a two-layover flight for anyone.
04:23I'm always swamped with work on holidays.
04:26But I also create the illusion of closeness with effusive emails and phone calls and birthday cards,
04:31saying how much I miss them, and I can't wait to see them.
04:34It's really important to me not to hurt their feelings,
04:37because then they'll make me talk to them about it face to face.
04:40Welcome to Huge Mart, where our deals are.
04:42You still need a 200-pack of votive candles and 1,000 feet of ruby tassel garland.
04:47Oh, there's gold.
04:48No, 40th anniversary's ruby, not gold.
04:50Get in the game, Hal.
04:51Hey, lovebirds.
04:53I hid your mini disco balls.
04:56Thank you, Craig.
04:56They're in the clone aisle behind my signature scent.
05:01Which is...
05:02Suave Sauvage, for him.
05:04Already got it.
05:06So, how do you like the new job?
05:08Well, my heart belongs to Loggiade,
05:10but after they denied my promotion in that mysterious, untraceable fire,
05:14I'm glad I found a new home.
05:16Lois, come quick.
05:17It's that famous celebrity you like.
05:20It's the Dumb Street, my Amsterdam Street.
05:22Oh, no, shh.
05:25Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:26Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:29Huh!
05:31Never had much faith and love for miracles.
05:35Miracles.
05:37Never want to put my heart on the line.
05:42Huh!
05:43But swimming in your water is something spiritual.
05:48Spiritual!
05:49Huh!
05:49I'm born again every time you spend the night.
05:53E-I-E-I!
05:55Woo!
05:55Cause your sex takes me to paradise.
05:58And it shows.
06:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:04Cause you make me feel like
06:07I've been locked out of heaven
06:11for too long.
06:13Oh, yeah.
06:14For too long.
06:17Oh, yeah.
06:19Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:23Can I just stay here?
06:26Spend the rest of my days here?
06:30Cause your sex takes me to paradise.
06:33Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:36Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:40Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:55That's it.
06:56Now it's my meatball.
06:59Okay, let's take it from the sex part.
07:01Guys, the moment was magical.
07:03Let's not go past it.
07:04It was lovely.
07:06Hell, thank you.
07:07It was just a little weird two weeks before the anniversary.
07:09No!
07:10Before or after the party.
07:12We agreed.
07:13You can do anything you want, as often as you want, before or after.
07:17The actual anniversary day is mine.
07:19You promise.
07:19Under duress, I'll promise anything when you do that thing.
07:24Hal, for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every celebration,
07:29you do the most wonderful, romantic, amazing grand gestures.
07:33The fireworks display?
07:34Oh, yeah.
07:35Releasing those doves?
07:36That should have been done outside and away from the fam.
07:39And now this once, I want to be the one deciding how we celebrate
07:43and not have your plans just happen to me.
07:47Uh, yeah.
07:49Why don't you play with your friends while I finish up?
07:53She makes it seem like every little romantic gesture I've ever made is crazy.
07:59No, no.
08:00It won't hurt to let Lois do it exactly the way she wants to, for one.
08:03Oh, so I just sit back, do nothing, like I don't even love her?
08:06No, no, no.
08:07Not on my watch.
08:08Hal, please.
08:09You're the only one of us still married.
08:10Do not break a promise to that woman.
08:12I would never.
08:14Lois gets her day.
08:16But until then, every moment of every day, I will show her so much love,
08:20she will run screaming at the sight of me.
08:36Nice, right?
08:37And this isn't even the best thing.
08:38The best thing.
08:39The best thing in the whole world is who's inside it.
08:42My daughter, Leah.
08:44She's kind of a trophy I won in college for attending my first kegger.
08:47She hates that joke.
08:50Her mother, Dreamer.
08:52Yes, her name is Dreamer.
08:54Ran off three days after giving birth, so single father.
08:57But I'm good at it.
08:59I just imagine what my parents would do and do the exact opposite.
09:02It's not that hard.
09:07I won't make it worse.
09:08I won't make it worse.
09:12Just so you know, I don't cry like this all the time.
09:16I also do depressed apathy, paralyzed embarrassment, and impotent fury.
09:22It's a rich inner life.
09:26Sweetie, what's wrong?
09:27Allison Gibgott invited me to her birthday party.
09:31Why is that sad?
09:32You want the list?
09:33Allison and her friends did this as a joke.
09:36They know I know they don't want me to go.
09:37If I do go, they'll freeze me out until I burst into tears and daddy comes to get me,
09:41which is what they really want.
09:42I'm completely isolated at school.
09:45I've never had any friends.
09:46And my personality, by which I mean your personality,
09:49makes it impossible for me to ever have any.
09:53Okay, well, do you want my list?
09:55You're intelligent.
09:57You're beautiful and hardworking and incredibly perceptive.
10:00Yeah, thanks for that, too.
10:01That's how I notice every smirk and slight and microscopic eye roll
10:05aimed at me since first grade.
10:07Why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up?
10:09I have no armor!
10:10Leah, look, I am so sorry you're going through this,
10:13but I promise it'll get better.
10:15It got so much better for me once I went off to college,
10:18so that's less than a...
10:20a decade.
10:23It's actually worse when he tries hard.
10:28Why'd that make you nervous?
10:29What?
10:30Your phone.
10:31Why did that call make you nervous?
10:32I'm not nervous.
10:33It was just work and we're talking.
10:36Maybe my concern for how upset you are is coming across as nervous.
10:39And why do you keep it so hot in here?
10:41I want to be alone now anyway.
10:43Okay.
10:44I'm not going to smother you.
10:46But I'm here for you.
10:47Like always.
10:49I love you.
10:50Really love you.
10:54Love you so much.
11:00Malcolm, I need you to call me back today about our anniversary.
11:03We have to know when you're coming.
11:04And we know you're coming.
11:05Because you would never be that monstrously inconsiderate.
11:08Love you.
11:10I didn't answer dad's voicemail yesterday,
11:12so I knew it would escalate to mom.
11:14I heard about the email.
11:15Sorry, I was in emergency meetings till late,
11:16and I just heard your voicemail.
11:18I scheduled that to send at 2.16 a.m.
11:20That way I look considerate for emailing instead of calling her back.
11:23Trust me, she'll check the timestamp.
11:25I have to set up six more food banks this month,
11:28but barring a crisis, I'll be there.
11:30That's what's great about running a charity.
11:32Anything I say is a crisis, is a crisis.
11:35For charity.
11:38I scored the cut and dry-fitted twice,
11:40so now I go to the down.
11:42Perfect.
11:42This is so easy, I had no idea.
11:44I can't wait to start the gazebo next week.
11:46You know, Reese, doing these projects together every weekend,
11:51I love it more than anything.
11:52Me too.
11:54I have to confess, though, that this floor was fine.
11:59You don't actually have to rotate floor tiles every six months.
12:03I know.
12:04You do?
12:06But almost every job we've done, the car, the backyard irrigation,
12:10the washing machine, they didn't need to be done either.
12:12It's my favorite thing to do anyway.
12:14I'm spending a lot of money fixing things that don't need fixing.
12:19And since this is really just about us spending time together, maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles.
12:25No, I know how to do puzzles.
12:27You steal one piece, so you're the only one that can finish it.
12:30We have to be building or fixing things.
12:32Whoa, what's going on?
12:36Dad, have you ever heard of a metaphor?
12:42Yes, Reese.
12:44We all know my life sucks.
12:45I ruin my job, my marriages.
12:49I don't really have any friends.
12:52That's not the metaphor yet.
12:53Ready?
12:54Yeah.
12:54Things like gluing these tiles so they fit together perfectly is a metaphor for me fitting in with people.
13:01And these tools are a metaphor for you and all the things in life you're teaching me.
13:07Dad, you're a tool.
13:09A tool to help me build my life back.
13:14I will always be your tool.
13:19You know what's great about going to a fancy private high school?
13:24Nothing.
13:25It is the same emotional shithole as every other high school.
13:30Leah!
13:31Hi, Allison.
13:32Did you get my invitation?
13:33It's going to be really fun.
13:34Dad got an aura camera.
13:35I did.
13:37Thanks.
13:37Great.
13:38See you there.
13:49Leah?
13:50Oh, hey, Cheyenne.
13:51I couldn't finish my math homework.
13:53Can you show me how to do a slope intercept?
13:55Of course.
13:56I don't mind at all.
13:57I'm always happy to help.
13:58You know, you don't have to panic about it.
14:00I wasn't panicking.
14:02Oh.
14:03It's just, I can see where you've been pulling out your hair.
14:06I'm not saying you pull out your hair.
14:08It's probably just ringworm.
14:09And that's easy to fix.
14:10Eight weeks of fungicide pills.
14:12Because it's not an actual worm inside your head.
14:14It's a fungus.
14:14Yes.
14:17Oh, God.
14:18What do I do?
14:19Make it seem like I was joking?
14:21All right.
14:26Come on.
14:28What is wrong with her?
14:29I'm really sorry about the whole thing.
14:31You othered Cheyenne in view of the peer group.
14:34Yeah.
14:34I knew I was upsetting her and I was trying to fix it, but I kept making it worse because
14:38right before, other girls hurt my feelings so I wasn't thinking clearly.
14:42I'm not blaming them.
14:44They can't help it.
14:45Robert Topolsky has pretty compelling research that endorphin levels actually spike when members
14:48of an in-group exclude or attack members of an out-group.
14:51At least with chimpanzees.
14:56He's on YouTube.
15:07Once a week, he'll stand in the front yard shirtless and blanks.
15:15Get ready.
15:16You're going to see something shocking.
15:20Hey!
15:20I'm proud of us.
15:22We actually got all the way to the bed before you went at it.
15:27Tristan, my girlfriend.
15:28I mean, it is so much more than that.
15:31She loves me.
15:33I know.
15:33It sounds like a lie to me too.
15:38How was your day?
15:39It was good.
15:40We won the Grosvenor Innovation Grant.
15:42I beat an AI.
15:44Dude!
15:44You don't have to keep proving how smart you are.
15:46I really don't care.
15:47Oh, except for my taxes.
15:49That was awesome.
15:50So what do you care about?
15:52I care that you always listen to me.
15:55And that you're supportive.
15:56And that you keep your promises.
15:59And mostly I care that you understand in a deep and complete way who I am inside.
16:08And you love me anyway.
16:10And I am so grateful for that.
16:14Jesus, I thought we were just doing banter.
16:18I gotta get on my phone.
16:22She's gonna like me.
16:24Right?
16:24Are you kidding?
16:25Leah's gonna love you.
16:26You're as worried as I am.
16:27What makes you say that?
16:28Because you know that if she doesn't like me, we can't move forward.
16:33I mean, eventually we'd have to break up.
16:34But I have so many plans to prevent that.
16:37Mutual interest outings.
16:38Weekly kindness days.
16:39Shared journaling.
16:40There's one where you hold onto the end of a yarn ball.
16:42And you pass it back and forth to each other.
16:44And you keep saying nice things.
16:45And you keep throwing it.
16:47Until you guys are both tied up really tight together in the yarn.
16:51I'm betting on us.
16:53Look, you can make friends with anyone.
16:55I've seen it.
16:56And it's obvious how much we love each other.
16:57Leah's gonna see that.
16:58And she's gonna want to be a part of it.
16:59I don't know.
17:00When I was her age, I hated myself and everything in my field of vision.
17:04So shall I grow it?
17:05Can we wait for that?
17:06No. No.
17:08It is past time we did this.
17:10We're doing it.
17:11Okay.
17:12You're also honest and sincere and sensitive.
17:18Not to mention, in bed, the way you combine enthusiasm and startling physical strength
17:25with a clear understanding of nuance.
17:30Tristan likes screens, so maybe wear your chinos.
17:32She went to private school too, so you can talk about that.
17:35And politics just makes her upset.
17:38Movies.
17:38She can talk about them all day.
17:40But she loves rom-coms, so don't you say anything snotty.
17:42You can write this down if you want.
17:44I would, but my pen is busy doing actual homework.
17:47Sweetie.
17:48So when do I yell, I want my real mommy, and run out in tears?
17:51I'll surprise you.
17:52Please.
17:53This is important to me.
17:54Dad, I get it.
17:55It's your only chance for love, and I have complete control over your future happiness.
18:01Every parenting book says I shouldn't let you believe that.
18:08Kelly, where are you?
18:10What can I do?
18:10Are you okay?
18:11What's the matter?
18:11Did I have to make up a lie to get my own brother to answer the phone?
18:14You have to promise me you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary.
18:17Kelly, I'm trying.
18:18Hey, listen to me.
18:19All they talk about is whether or not you'll be there.
18:21They're old, Malcolm.
18:22They could die any second.
18:24Decapitated in a car wreck.
18:26Slowly choking to death on a respirator from some lingering illness.
18:29Sabbed over and over by some drifter they took in.
18:32Clock is ticking, busy boy.
18:33You can do this for them.
18:34I am doing everything I can to be there, but my charity just has me so busy all the time.
18:38So you can figure out all this advanced infrastructure for hundreds of charities and corporations,
18:42but even after six months' notice, you can't plan half a day off?
18:46Wow, that's almost mom level.
18:48Okay.
18:49At their age, they're a little self-righteous, simultaneously overconfident, and insecure.
18:54Validate their intentions and blow some smoke.
18:56Look, I am glad that you see how important this is for mom and dad.
18:59They are lucky to have you looking out for them.
19:01Other kids your age aren't half as perceptive.
19:04What?
19:05I'm on the phone.
19:06Okay.
19:07Look, I am so sorry, but I do have to get back to work.
19:10But don't worry.
19:11I'm sure I can be there.
19:12Love you.
19:12Hey, Linda, can you print me that report?
19:15With that one, you've got to get in and out before they can think too much.
19:18How do you not allow glitter?
19:20You're a party venue.
19:21I just want a couple of handfuls for people to toss during our spotlight dance.
19:26Okay, so no glitter.
19:29Did our monogrammed cocktail stirs with little hearts, did they come in?
19:33No, no, they come with the Radiant Elegance Package.
19:38The Radiant Mystique Elegance Package? How much does that cost?
19:45Okay, let's do it.
19:47Such nonsense.
19:48I'm sorry to be taking all the attention away from your 40th birthday.
19:52Mom, I'm a 39.
19:53I was born on your first anniversary, not your wedding day.
19:5839?
20:00Of course you are.
20:02Hey, how are you guys enjoying the new guest suite?
20:04The garage?
20:05Yeah, once we unpacked the bag, stomped a few spiders, got the plastic tarp off the bed.
20:10It was real homey.
20:10Me and Dad did all the renovations.
20:12Your brother's become quite the handyman.
20:14Well, it is great.
20:15A heads up the toilet wasn't connected.
20:17Would have been cool.
20:18You know, we could afford a motel.
20:20Absolutely not.
20:21We love having you here.
20:22Besides, you've got to save up some money until you get a solid job.
20:25Mom, I've been there 15 years.
20:27I'm senior management.
20:28I have 75 people under me.
20:30That's 75 people plotting to replace you.
20:33And you need to retie your bows.
20:34They need to be droopy.
20:36They droop?
20:36They need to droop languidly.
20:39Look at your father's.
20:40Your knots are too crisp.
20:41Use baby hands.
20:43Why don't you criticize his bows?
20:44Those aren't languid, they're turgid.
20:46Dad likes me better than you now.
20:48Did you ever talk to Malcolm?
20:50No, we keep trading emails back and forth.
20:52I know he's doing good things, but he is going to work himself to death.
20:55I just got off the phone with him.
20:58He's not coming.
21:04Okay.
21:05We can do this.
21:06It's going to be great.
21:07Love you.
21:07Love you.
21:08Do you need to pee?
21:09No.
21:09Yes.
21:09No.
21:14Leah, we're here.
21:18Leah, this is Tristan.
21:22Hi.
21:23Hi, Leah.
21:30Good.
21:31We're easing in slowly.
21:33There's no rush.
21:37So, how much did he prep you?
21:45When you were four, you tried to scare Miss Rachel into canceling preschool by saying her mole didn't look right.
21:52You have to twist your hamburger bun exactly three times so the condiments smear evenly.
21:59You refused an award from the State Young Sciences Challenge because you thought it would make you a famous nerd.
22:04You love being a physical therapist, but you are grossed out when you have to touch old people.
22:09You fly into a spitting rage if you do Wordle in three.
22:12I do.
22:14Sometimes when you stand up too fast, you fart.
22:16And I have to ignore.
22:18I do.
22:19You don't.
22:21Now him.
22:22Has he ever told you about his reluctant move into politics?
22:26Oh my God.
22:27No.
22:28One time I found a notepad where he wrote assemblyman, congressman, lieutenant governor.
22:33And the thing, the thing with the actor shape.
22:38Why?
22:39I don't know.
22:42I've never been so happy to be humiliated in my life.
22:45He always does.
22:45This could be my family.
22:47My last checkbox.
22:48I'm so glad.
22:48This is amazing.
22:49Malcolm.
22:50We are not doing this by email or text or over the phone or by Zoom.
22:54We are going to talk about it.
22:56No matter what you have to arrange, you are going to be at our anniversary with the rest of the
23:00family.
23:01Dad?
23:07You have a daughter?!
23:09She's alive?!
23:12What's happening?
23:18You made me do this!
23:20Malcolm!
23:21This family's non-stop anti-social behavior and mindless belligerence and myopic priorities are toxic to me!
23:27Every single bad thing that happened to my life is your fault!
23:30Getting away from you is how I finally stopped being such an asshole!
23:35Wait, so your biggest problem is that we exist?
23:48How are you?
23:49I don't know.
23:51How could you do this to your family?!
23:53No, stop!
23:55You insisted on barging in on my home, okay?
23:58Without an invitation.
23:59So you can at least give me the courtesy to explain myself.
24:02Please, sit down.
24:06Come on!
24:08Come on!
24:21Come on!
24:25Oh, damn.
25:07oh come on
25:12hello stevie it's malcolm malcolm who yeah it's been a few months look i was just thinking about
25:22you i figured i'd give you a call how's little max how's glenn cute needy great great i i love
25:30the pictures you sent yeah you know max what's wrong everything mom and dad and lee and tristan
25:35all found out at the same time in person you have to help me come up with a smart enough
25:39lie to cover
25:40up the years of lies i already told them i mean it's got to be brilliant i told you
25:48this would happen you did you did what do i do now do you mind
25:56seriously what do i do confess apologize make it right stevie quit clowning around they already
26:04know there's nothing to confess it's mom she sees apologies as permission to become more enraged
26:09i've misled them for over a decade how do i make that right
26:13malcolm can he call you back it's his turn for story time and we need to finish before midnight
26:19okay thanks anyway sorry man
26:25you're in a wheelchair and i'm needy
26:30it's just not fair oh my god what happened what did i do what did we do
26:35we have just had the worst 24 hours of our life we just found out guess who's gonna be a
26:40grandma
26:42isn't it amazing we've been trying for so long years and years of constant sex and all these
26:48weird mommy blog positions and it finally happened get your piece to god in my face seriously
26:53you can't even be happy for me about this what are you trying who's ready for re-caulking day
27:01i put this on your credit card what we just found out that malcolm has been intentionally hiding
27:06himself from this family for years and covering it up with lies he has a teenage daughter a secret
27:13teenage daughter i still think my thing's pretty important dad i am so sorry i think we all knew
27:22malcolm would eventually betray us that's what harvard does to people or any college really oh that
27:29reminds me ow ow ow ow what are you doing dad is out there emotionally destroyed i have to trash
27:37malcolm as much as i can before he snaps out of it how stupid are you you mean like professionally
27:42measured just because mom and dad aren't on social media you thought nobody else would find it
27:46what ebay they already know i sell my underwear to pervs what about professor dumdum
27:54shall we peruse greatest hits
28:12these new ones aren't just more efficient they are so much quiet
28:38how much money have you made publicly humiliating dad
28:45including merch merch are you gonna snitch hell yes i'm gonna snitch okay what do you want
28:51to snitch no what do you want from me to be there when i snitch telly you don't want to
28:56do that dad is
28:57too upset he couldn't take it i know that god this is so frustrating it felt so good ratting malcolm
29:03out it was like i found my calling i'm an informer it's like being a whistleblower but mean
29:11turning you in was going to be now i have to wait to spill my guts but it's coming
29:24what did you see
29:26everything
29:31oh my god what happened he just fell down for no reason old people do that all the time hell
29:38help help help me help me get him into bed he won't run roll him
29:45oh my god oh my god oh my god okay watch watch watch watch uh okay what do we do
29:53just roll
29:53this way roll him
30:04hey how far did you run
30:05six miles past the interstate i'm in much better shape than i thought i met a horse
30:12i named him cookie
30:14dad seriously i can take mom being crazy but that's only because you're not
30:20i'm so sorry i promise i'll never do anything like that again and don't call your mom crazy
30:27she just has a lot of problems primarily being crazy so anything else you've been i don't know
30:34lying to me about since i was born leah no my self-image is already screwed up and now i'm
30:39part of a family i know nothing about i mean are they murderers or geologists or have
30:44taste sex or climb filter syndrome or enjoy reading or have characteristic body language or they're athletic or super tasters
30:50i should know all of that
30:53there's no geologists
30:58i think tristan is amazing
31:00she is
31:01oh my god she must be so mad at me
31:04yeah she told grandma and grandpa
31:07i was not ready to hear you call them that
31:08they really seemed okay i i don't understand why you can't be around them
31:12i think yesterday you saw a pretty convincing demonstration
31:16i have hay in my crack
31:17i cannot go back to how i was before and i'm not gonna risk you
31:21you are perfect
31:23i want you to stay perfect
31:27okay that that's just fighting dirty
31:29you have to think of it like they're the full moon and we're werewolves
31:32it doesn't matter your cover is blown and grandma doesn't seem the type to just let things go
31:37look i need time to figure this out
31:39you need to promise me that if she contacts you you will not respond until you talk to me first
31:43okay
31:44okay
31:44no you need to promise
31:45calm down i promise
31:48thank you i need to get some sleep
31:50i'm still mad at you
31:52you'll still be mad when i wake up i believe in you
32:16how could malcolm abuse my trust this way
32:19i'm so mad at him for betraying me
32:23you know by comparison reese looks pretty good
32:26sure he's impetuous
32:28but that rascal has a heart of gold
32:31he's still my favorite
32:36what's that
32:37it's the 33rd of 40 love letters your father wrote me for our anniversary
32:41two pages each front and back
32:44not a single repeat
32:46listen i have to talk to you
32:49i was so excited to tell you about the baby
32:52we tried so hard for so long and when it finally happened all i wanted to do was tell you
32:58you didn't even say congratulations
33:01you're right
33:03i'm sorry
33:05congratulations
33:07never said i was perfect
33:08yes you have
33:09well i didn't mean it
33:11look
33:12i will admit
33:13there is a part of me
33:14a part i do not like
33:15that feels like you intentionally waited until this exact moment to get pregnant
33:18just to make it harder for me
33:20to deal with all these other problems
33:21that is
33:23crazy
33:23honestly your whole life
33:25has been like you purposely planned every moment
33:26good or bad
33:27to happen at the worst possible time
33:29that's not fair
33:30it's always totally random
33:32i know
33:32i hurt your feelings
33:33and i i feel bad about it
33:35and i promise
33:36i am going to be happy about this very soon
33:37i'm going to be overjoyed
33:39just not right
33:40now
33:41i have too many other priorities right now
33:43you and the baby are number eight
33:45that is so insult
33:47wait
33:47you have a list
33:49with numbers
33:50yes
33:53how do you think i manage
33:55i have to rank everything
33:57according to how bad
33:58and how soon
33:59anniversary party is number one
34:01number two is our
34:03brand new
34:04already born granddaughter
34:05i mean she has been thrown into this circus with no preparation
34:08we have to make it as comfortable as we can for that child
34:10your father is a close number three
34:12leah has the edge
34:13because she's younger
34:14but he is in a complete meltdown
34:16number four
34:17is making reese pay for what he did
34:20number five is figuring out a way to get milcom back into this family
34:23number six is making him pay for what he did
34:26number seven
34:27is trying to keep myself from draining our life savings to pay for this party
34:32so you
34:33are number eight
34:36when she puts it that way i really can't argue with her
34:39are you kidding me we're one slot above try oat milk
34:42i know
34:43sucks to feel like you don't matter
34:46i promise i'll never do that to our kid
34:48as long as they don't piss me off too much
34:52you are an incredibly smart sexy mama
35:10do you care
35:12i like the breeze
35:20hey leah
35:21hi allison
35:22see you at pizza
35:24what pizza
35:25oh oh my god i'm so sorry
35:28forget i said that
35:29i don't know what you're talking about
35:31joanie's doing pizza
35:32after the social studies final
35:36i thought everyone was invited
35:39you really didn't
35:40and why do you take such delight in humiliating someone who shouldn't even be on your radar
35:47wow
35:49you really are cool
36:00morning
36:01is it morning
36:04oh
36:06sweetie
36:08did you know that there's a south american slug
36:11that after mating the eggs are deposited in the father
36:17and over the next three months
36:20the children slowly eat their way out of their loving father
36:25until he's an empty husk
36:28that blows away in the wind
36:30i'm just waiting for the wind lois
36:35you know we we could just let it go
36:40for a little while
36:48i'm sorry
36:50mr plumber
36:52i don't have enough money to pay your
36:55great big bill
36:59there must be some way i can
37:02satisfy you
37:04and the office can put you on a payment plan
37:09did you just
37:10turn down sex
37:13i guess i did
37:14hell
37:15oh
37:16hell we we we we don't turn down sex
37:18i don't know
37:18we've done it in weddings and funerals and
37:21and man petting zoos
37:23hell sex is our love language
37:25i know i know i'm sorry honey
37:27but
37:29can i at least give you a hug
37:33not physically
37:41thank you
37:43hey it's tristan let her rip
37:45hey tristan it's me again
37:47look i realize that you haven't returned my calls the last couple days because my messages were apologies without an
37:54explanation which i also apologize for
37:57so here it is
37:59i've been seeing a therapist the last month herself she put me on this antidepressant vanalpramine
38:04i didn't realize the side effects that it caused on my moods behaviors and decision making
38:11but i am not going to use a medication that altered everything about me as an excuse
38:16no
38:17and uh
38:18i'm not going to bring leah into this either
38:19okay
38:19even though she already feels so connected to you
38:22she knows that not seeing you again isn't anything like when her mother abandoned her
38:27but please do not do this to her
38:29she's just a kid
38:32i'll be ashamed of myself after i get her back
38:36oh you're just so glad you called leah
38:39dad insisted i get to know the family right away
38:42if dad can keep secrets
38:43i can break promises
38:45this is francis and pyama kelly
38:48jamie
38:48and dewey
38:50and this is your uncle reese who is going to explain himself and apologize to me this very second
38:55word of warning
38:56they get mad about anything around here
38:59well
39:00we are just so excited about all of this
39:03we've just missed so much
39:04we have a thousand questions we'd like to ask you
39:11pal
39:12don't you have a question that you'd like to ask leah
39:15uh yeah uh what do you want to do when you grow up
39:20crush your father's soul and make him question his own identity
39:25excuse us a minute
39:27welcome to the family leah
39:29gosh i wish he was able to be there to welcome you properly
39:44sorry they're um
39:46evacuating the hotel
39:47europe right
39:57is it me because this feels like when they make us choose lab partners
40:01no friends huh
40:03yeah you give off that vibe
40:04kids can be mean
40:06parents too
40:08so the social thing is tough huh
40:11no it's great
40:12i'm on the waiting list to move up from outcast to pariah
40:16it really is fine
40:17i mean i'm used to it
40:19because like
40:20what choice do i have
40:21i mean there's way worse problems
40:27leah
40:28have you ever tried
40:29being kind
40:32probably not
40:32i am nice all the time
40:34and i get treated like crap anyway
40:36nice is different than kind
40:38kindness requires empathy
40:40and empathy requires putting yourself in someone else's place
40:44so you understand how they feel
40:46do you remember ever doing that
40:50right
40:51that's a tough one for your dad too
40:53you guys have brains that are so different from other people's
40:56it's impossible to feel like you have anything in common with them
40:59so what am i supposed to do
41:00just make an arbitrary rule
41:02if you're not getting along with someone
41:04imagine you have empathy for them
41:06and act accordingly
41:07like how i imagine
41:09i'm not always on the brink of violence
41:11try it
41:11see what happens
41:14something you want to add
41:17i bet if i crash the car i'd move up two spaces
41:24oh honey
41:25leah
41:26knees are warm and loving grandpa
41:28i'm so sorry lois
41:31but i don't think i can
41:32i look at her
41:33and instead of a sweet kid
41:36i just see one more person
41:38who will hurt me
41:45ten hut
41:47lois
41:47your orders are to stay just as sweet
41:49loving
41:50and beautiful as the day
41:51hal first laid his loving eyes on you
41:54open fire
42:02reload
42:06achoo
42:08i must be allergic to
42:10something
42:19she fake sneezed a booger onto her chin
42:22there's a giant chunk of snot on her chin
42:26there's a million ways that i could nail her
42:28do i go funny
42:29do i go brutal
42:30do i connect it to her character flaws
42:31so it stings with some staying power
42:34my mind is reeling
42:40hey you have a thing on your chin
42:42it happens to me all the time
42:49wait wait wait wait
42:51i saw what you did back there
42:52that giant job of the hut on her face
42:54oh my god
42:54i i was just
42:55oh i hate alice and i had the perfect idea
42:58i was gonna go
42:59would you care for some crackers with that oyster
43:01and
43:03then seeing what you did
43:04i mean
43:05i feel kind of sorry
43:07i was like
43:08noble
43:09i'm not noble
43:11well
43:11something
43:12leah right
43:13yes jason
43:14i said extern english
43:16and world history
43:17oh
43:18right
43:19i'm dumb
43:21was this a me cute
43:23this was a me cute
43:24right
43:29tristan's on her way over
43:30i'm gonna take responsibility
43:31and acknowledge the impact
43:33that my actions had on her
43:34or
43:34i'm gonna justify it
43:35and i'm gonna frame things in a way
43:37that she thinks that it's partially her fault
43:38which one's gaslighting
43:43hi
43:44hey
43:45thank you so much for talking to me
43:47i know
43:48how upset you are
43:49i know how bad i screwed up
43:50and i
43:52i don't need to talk
43:54i need to listen
43:55go ahead
43:58i love your kid
44:02that's all i have for positives
44:04good start
44:05you totally sandbagged me
44:07anytime i asked you about your family
44:09you said it was complicated
44:10what i saw
44:11was not complicated
44:12it was just wrong
44:13yes
44:14but i have a solution for that
44:15all those angry
44:16vicious things i screamed at them
44:18imagine i didn't
44:20you have to make peace
44:21with your family
44:22okay
44:22for your own sake
44:23and sure as hell for leah's sake
44:25you don't understand
44:26i can't
44:27it's not just mom and dad
44:29it's so much worse with my brothers
44:31i mean all we ever do is fight
44:33except for when we team up to fight them
44:36you
44:37have brothers
44:42four
44:43and one
44:44non-binary
44:44dude
44:46come
44:47this is so much to unpack
44:48don't unpack just burn
44:49we don't need to know
44:50i should go
44:51i help the poor
44:59what
45:00i care so much about social justice
45:02malcolm what are you
45:04i'm not bad
45:04i'm good
45:05i'm not bad
45:06i'm really good
45:07and i'm smart
45:08which i remember that you don't care about
45:10because i listen
45:10and i know how to tie shoelaces away
45:12so they never come untied
45:13and i love you
45:14oh i should have led with that
45:16but i'm panicking
45:16i'll start over
45:17i can't be around you right now
45:19i understand
45:21i'll
45:21i'll be here
45:22whenever you're ready
45:25that won't be until
45:26i can trust you again
45:29if ever
45:37all night long
45:39we should have called the cops
45:41i didn't get any sleep at all
45:43dad's always been a loud crier
45:45guys what are you doing still in your pjs
45:48party's in 32 hours
45:50we still have a lot to do
45:51according to your 20 bullet point schedule for today
45:53i have more than enough time to finish my store brand cereal
45:56that was before i realized that my dress only looks right with open toes shoes
46:00i had to add an emergency pedicure
46:02my toes look like twisted walnuts
46:05solve that one
46:06is dad finally asleep
46:08no he got up over an hour ago
46:10to help run errands
46:11come on you guys
46:13let's go
46:13get the lead out
46:17see
46:18completely normal
46:19don't be nervous
46:20i'm not nervous
46:21i'm desperate
46:22i only have one day to shake off all this depression and anger
46:25so i don't ruin the party for lois
46:27well this will help
46:27micro dosing is the best thing i ever did
46:30it's how i lost all that weight
46:31and got a handle on my gambling addiction
46:33i replaced it with porn
46:37greetings voyagers
46:39namaste
46:40richie
46:42hell
46:43great to see you
46:45how's francis
46:46how's the family
46:46i don't care
46:47i need help
46:48worry not
46:49i have many weeks experience
46:50as a hallucinogenic scientist
46:52shaman
46:53concierge
46:54we see your pain truth seeker
46:57we have incredible shit to deal with it
46:59let me give you a tour of our tripatory
47:01i don't need a tour
47:03indulge me
47:04hell please
47:05please
47:08couch
47:09cot
47:09water
47:10bathroom
47:11we recommend starting in our central chair
47:13some people call it a dream platform
47:16others a launch pad to enlightenment
47:18either way
47:19there's a puke bucket next to it
47:21oh uh we already paid i used my coupon
47:24don't forget that doesn't include tip
47:25right
47:28this
47:30is the medicine
47:32air quotes are for the lawyers
47:33since you're new to this
47:35we'll start you out with a 1.5
47:39where'd they go
47:40he swallowed them
47:41all of them
47:43i have to divvy them out
47:45you ate 60 milligrams
47:46is that too much
47:47well not if you're like
47:5015 elephants
47:51we gotta get your stomach pumped
47:53no
47:55it's the only chance i have left
47:57i'm going in
48:04gonna need a bigger bucket
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