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00:07Previously on Malcolm in the Middle
00:15What are you looking at?
00:18Wee!
00:20You've been stealing money from the church
00:32You're going to put your hands inside of mommy and take out this baby
00:37And someone actually asked for more of this
00:43Life is unfair
00:51I really appreciate the opportunity
00:53Everyone in my class was after this internship
00:56I fought tooth and nail for it
00:57No problem, we are glad to have you
00:59So, what do you guys do?
01:02Well, we install computer systems in grocery store chains
01:06And food manufacturers
01:07To align their inventory software
01:09With food banks and shelters all across the country
01:11So instead of unused food getting dumped
01:14It goes to people who actually need it
01:15Got it, and what is a food bank?
01:20Maybe watch our video a few more times
01:22Yeah, I look different
01:29But hey, everything about me is different
01:32I'm happy, I'm successful
01:34I've learned to work productively with idiots
01:36My life is fantastic now
01:40You want to know how I did it?
01:42All I had to do is stay completely away from my family
01:46Here we go
02:00You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out
02:03These things have lasted for six months
02:05You know, I can call back later
02:07Come on, Dewey, you've seen this like a thousand times
02:09It's just a normal human body doing normal human behavior
02:13Undergrowth
02:16How's the concert tour?
02:18It's fine, but I'm really sorry I'm not going to make your anniversary party
02:22I'm sad too, but you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty
02:25I mean, what if Carl Gustav wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?
02:29Is Jamie going to make it?
02:30I think so, he put in for a leave
02:31Towel, towel, towel
02:35Trauma averted, thank you
02:39Hey Dewey
02:40Hi Kelly, how's school?
02:41Beneath me
02:42How's Sonia?
02:43Oh, um, it's not Sonia anymore, it's Elizabeth
02:45No, Annette, anyway
02:47She's good, we're really connecting
02:49We're going to go shopping later
02:51Do them want to come?
02:54Him can't come with we
02:56Us has homework
02:57Hey, he's trying, don't mock him for it
02:59I'm not afraid of you
03:00That's not
03:01I get good grades, I help around the house
03:03I'm your only kid without a file at the police station
03:06I'm untouchable
03:07Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while
03:12I love you
03:13Oh, that just sounds sarcastic
03:15I love you
03:16Now you sound annoyed
03:18I kind of do, it's your timbre
03:20I love you, I love you, I love you
03:23The middle one was nice, thank you
03:28So back in college, I completely turned my life around
03:31Because I realized, the less contact I have with my family, the less I act like a sociopath
03:37I've become more patient, less angry, way more mature
03:42Anytime I am around them, it takes me like two seconds to revert
03:46For crying out loud, I speak fluent Spanish
03:48I know how to say quesadilla
03:50Oh, no, it sounded like you said cusadilla
03:52Oh, no, you're like quesadilla
03:55Siempre hacen esto
03:56Intentan conguir a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada
04:01Cusadilla
04:02Cusadilla
04:03That's it, that already said it
04:08Cusadilla
04:11Grandma's television was plasma
04:13I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her
04:16And it was obvious for the rich deep black
04:18You're insane
04:19She bought that TV in 2015, alright
04:21There he had full array LEDs with the same picture quality for a quarter of the price
04:26It's not showing off
04:27It's a completely sensible, mid-price sedan
04:30Why don't you just admit you're stuck up
04:32And shoving your shiny new car in my face to make me feel bad
04:34Is this stuck up
04:35Is this showing off
04:39Is this me trying to make you feel bad
04:42It's not them
04:43It's me
04:45Being around them
04:46So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact
04:49My house is a two-layover flight from anyone
04:52I'm always swamped with work on holidays
04:55But I also create the illusion of closeness with effusive emails
04:59And phone calls and birthday cards
05:01Saying how much I miss them and I can't wait to see them
05:03It's really important to me not to hurt their feelings
05:06Because then they'll make me talk to them about it face to face
05:10Welcome to Huge Mart where our deals are
05:13You still need a 200 pack of votive candles and a thousand feet of ruby tassel garland
05:17Oh, there's gold
05:18No, 40th anniversary's ruby, not gold
05:20Get in the game, Hal
05:22Hey, lovebirds
05:24I hid your mini disco balls
05:26Thank you, Greg
05:27They're in the clone aisle behind my signature scent
05:32Which is...
05:33Suave Sauvage, for him
05:35Already got it
05:37So, how do you like the new job?
05:40Well, my heart belongs to Lucky Aid
05:42But after they denied my promotion and that mysterious, untraceable fire
05:46I'm glad I found a new home
05:47Lois, come quick, it's that famous celebrity you like
05:56Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
06:03Never had much faith in love for miracles
06:07Miracle
06:09Never wanna put my heart on the line
06:16But swimming in your water is something spiritual
06:20Spiritual
06:23I'm born again every time you spend the night
06:28Cause your sex takes me to paradise
06:32And it shows
06:35Yeah, yeah, yeah
06:38Cause you make me feel like
06:41I've been locked out of heaven
06:44For too long
06:48For too long
06:52Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
06:56Yeah, yeah, yeah
06:58Can I just stay here
07:01And spend the rest of my days here
07:05Cause your sex takes me to paradise
07:09Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
07:12Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
07:15Cause your sex takes me to paradise
07:19Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
07:22Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
07:32that's it okay let's take it from the sex park guys it was magical let's not go past it it
07:42was
07:42lovely well thank you what was just a little weird two weeks before the anniversary no before or
07:48after the party we agreed you can do anything you want as often as you want before or after
07:54the actual anniversary day is mine you promise under duress i'll promise anything when you do
08:01that thing hal for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every celebration you you
08:08do the most wonderful romantic amazing grand gestures the fireworks display releasing those
08:14doves that should have been done outside and away from the fam and now this once i want to be
08:20the
08:20one deciding how we celebrate and not have your plans just happen to me
08:28why don't you play with your friends while i finish up
08:32she makes it seem like every little romantic gesture i've ever made is crazy
08:39no no it won't hurt to let lois do it exactly the way she wants to for one oh so
08:44i just sit back do
08:45nothing like i don't even love her no no no not on my watch hal please you're the only one
08:50of us
08:50still married do not break a promise to that woman i would never lois gets her day but until then
08:58every moment of every day i will show her so much love she will run screaming at the side of
09:03me
09:17nice right and this isn't even the best thing the best thing the best thing in the whole world is
09:23who's inside it my daughter leah she's kind of a trophy i won in college for attending my first kegger
09:29she hates that joke her mother dreamer yes her name is dreamer
09:37ran off three days after giving birth so single father but i'm good at it i just imagine what my
09:43parents would do and do the exact opposite it's not that hard
09:50i won't make it worse i won't make it worse
09:56just so you know i don't cry like this all the time
09:59and i also do depressed apathy paralyzed embarrassment and impotent fury
10:07it's a rich inner life
10:10sweetie what's wrong allison gib got invited me to her birthday party
10:15why is that sad you want the list i only want allison and her friends did this as a joke
10:20they know i know they don't want me to go if i do go they'll freeze me out until i
10:24burst into tears
10:25and daddy comes to get me which is what they really want i'm completely isolated at school
10:30i've never had any friends and my personality by which i mean your personality makes it impossible
10:36for me to ever have any okay well do you want my list you're intelligent you're beautiful and
10:44hard-working and incredibly perceptive and yeah thanks for that too that's how i noticed every
10:48smirk and slight and microscopic eye roll aimed at me since first grade why'd you have to be so gentle
10:55with me growing up i have no armor leah look i am so sorry you're going through this but i
11:00promise
11:01it'll get better it got so much better for me once i went off to college so that's less than
11:06a
11:07a decade
11:10it's actually worse when he tries hard
11:15why'd that make you nervous what your phone why did that call make you nervous not nervous
11:21it was just work and we're talking maybe my concern for how upset you are is coming across
11:26as nervous and why do you keep it so hot in here i want to be alone now anyway
11:32okay i'm not going to smother you but i'm here for you like always i love you really love you
11:43love you so much
11:49malcolm i need you to call me back today about our anniversary we have to know when you're coming
11:53and we know you're coming because you would never be that monstrously inconsiderate love you
11:59i didn't answer dad's voicemail yesterday so i knew it would escalate to mom i wrote the email
12:04sorry i was in emergency meetings till late and i just heard your voicemail
12:07i schedule that to send at 2 16 a.m that way i look considerate for emailing instead of calling
12:13her
12:13back trust me she'll check the time stamp i have to set up six more food banks this month but
12:18barring a
12:19crisis i'll be there that's what's great about running a charity anything i say is a crisis is
12:25a crisis for charity
12:29sport to cut dry fitted twice so now i glue it down perfect this is so easy i had no
12:35idea i can't
12:36wait to start the gazebo next week you know reese doing these projects together every weekend
12:42i love it more than anything me too i have to confess though that uh this floor was fine you
12:51don't
12:51actually have to rotate floor tiles every six months i know you do but almost every job we've
12:59done the car the backyard irrigation the washing machine they didn't need to be done either it's my
13:05favorite thing to do anyway i'm spending a lot of money fixing things that don't need fixing
13:12and since this is really just about us spending time together maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles no i
13:19know how to do puzzles you steal one piece so you're the only one that can finish it we have
13:24to be
13:24building or fixing things whoa what's what's going on dad have you ever heard of a metaphor
13:36yes reese we all know my life sucks i ruin my job my marriages i don't really have any friends
13:46that's not the metaphor yet ready things like gluing these tiles so they fit together perfectly
13:52is a metaphor for me fitting in with people and these tools are a metaphor for you and all the
14:00things in life you're teaching me dad you're a tool a tool to help me build my life back
14:09i will always be your tool
14:15you know what's great about going to a fancy private high school
14:20nothing it was the same emotional shithole as every other high school
14:27leah hi allison did you get my invitation it's going to be really fun
14:31dad got an aura camera i did thanks great see you there
14:47leah oh hey cheyenne i couldn't finish my math homework can you show me how to do a slope
14:52intercept of course i don't mind at all i'm always happy to help you know you don't have
14:56to panic about it i wasn't panicking oh it's just i can see we're even pulling out your hair
15:05i'm not saying you pull out your hair it's probably just ringworm and that's easy to fix
15:08eight weeks of fungicide pills because it's not an actual worm inside your head it's a fungus
15:16oh god what do i do make it seem like i was joking
15:29i'm really sorry about the whole thing you othered cheyenne in view of the peer group
15:33yeah i knew i was upsetting her and i was trying to fix it but i kept making it worse
15:38because right
15:38before other girls hurt my feelings so i i wasn't thinking clearly i'm not blaming them they can't
15:44help it robert topolsky has pretty compelling research that endorphin levels actually spike
15:48when members of an in-group exclude or attack members of an outgroup at least with chimpanzees
15:57he's on youtube
16:08once a week he'll stand at the front yard shirtless and flex
16:17get ready you're gonna see something shocking
16:22hey i'm proud of us we actually got all the way to the bed before we went at it
16:29tristan my girlfriend i mean it is so much more than that she loves me i know it sounds like
16:36a lie to me
16:41how was your day was good we won the grosvenor innovation grant i beat an ai dude you don't
16:48have to keep proving how smart you are i really don't care oh uh except for my taxes that was
16:53awesome
16:54so what do you care about i care that you always listen to me and that you're supportive and that
17:01you keep your promises and mostly i care that you understand in a deep and complete way who i am
17:12inside and you love me anyway and i am so grateful for that
17:27she's gonna like me right you're kidding leah's gonna love you you're as worried as i am what
17:33makes you say that because you know that if she doesn't like me we can't move forward i mean
17:39eventually we'd have to break up but i have so many plans to prevent that uh mutual interest outings
17:44weekly kindness days shared journaling there's one where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball
17:48and you pass it back and forth to each other and you keep saying nice things and and you keep
17:52throwing it until you guys are both tied up really tight together in the yarn
17:58i'm betting on us look you can make friends with anyone i've seen it and it's obvious how much we
18:04love each other leah's gonna see that and she's gonna want to be a part of it i don't know
18:07when i was her age i hated myself and everything in my field of vision
18:11so shall i grow it can we wait for that no no it is past time we did this
18:18we're doing it okay
18:20you're also honest and sincere and sensitive not to mention in bed the way you combine enthusiasm
18:31and startling physical strength with a clear understanding of nuance
18:36yeah
18:39tristan likes green so maybe wear your chinos she went to private school too so you can talk about
18:43that and politics just makes her upset movies she can talk about them all day but she loves rom-com
18:50so don't you say anything snotty you can write this down if you want i would but my pen is
18:55busy
18:55doing actual homework sweet so when do i yell i want my real mommy and run out in tears
19:01i'll surprise you please this is important to me dad i get it it's your only chance for love and
19:07i have complete control over your future happiness
19:11every parenting book says i shouldn't let you believe that
19:19kelly where are you what can i do are you okay what's the matter but i have to make up
19:22a lie to
19:23get my own brother to answer the phone you have to promise me you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary
19:27kelly i'm trying hey listen to me all they talk about is whether or not you'll be there
19:32they're old malcolm they could die any second decapitated in a car wreck slowly choking to death
19:38on a respirator from some lingering illness stabbed over and over by some drifter they took in
19:43clock is ticking busy boy you can do this for them i am doing everything i can to be there
19:48but
19:49my charity just has me so busy all the time so you can figure out all this advanced infrastructure
19:52for hundreds of charities and corporations but even after six months notice you can't plan half a day
19:58off wow that's almost mom level okay at their age they're a little self-righteous simultaneously
20:04overconfident and insecure validate their intentions and blow some smoke look i am glad that you see how
20:11important this is for mom and dad they are lucky to have you looking out for them other kids your
20:14age
20:15aren't half as perceptive what i'm i'm on the phone okay look i am so sorry but i do have
20:23to get back
20:23to work but don't worry i'm sure i can be there love you hey linda can you print me that
20:27report
20:29with that one you got to get in and out before they can think too much how do you not
20:33allow glitter
20:34you're a party venue i just want a couple of handfuls for people to toss during our spotlight dance
20:41okay so no glitter did our monogrammed cocktail stirs with a little hearts did they come in
20:47no no no they come with the radiant elegance package
20:52the radiant mystique elegance package how much does that cost
21:00okay let's do it such nonsense i'm sorry to be taking all the attention away from your 40th birthday
21:07mom i'm a 39 i was born on your first anniversary not your wedding day
21:1539 of course you are hey how are you guys enjoying the new guest suite the garage yeah once
21:22we unpacked the bag stomped a few spiders got the plastic tarp off the bed it was real homey me
21:27and dad
21:27did all the renovations your brother's become quite the handyman well it is great a heads up the toilet
21:33wasn't connected would have been cool you know we could afford a motel absolutely not we love having
21:39you here besides you got to save up some money until you get a solid job mom i've been there
21:4315
21:44years i'm senior management i have 75 people under me that's 75 people plotting to replace you
21:50and you need to retie your bows they need to be droopy they droop they need to droop languidly
21:57look at your father's your knots are too crisp use baby hands why don't you criticize his bows
22:02those aren't languid they're turgid dad likes me better than you now did you ever talk to malcolm no we
22:09keep trading emails back and forth i know he's doing good things but he is going to work himself to
22:13death i just got off the phone with him he's not coming
22:24okay we can do this it's gonna be great love you love you do you need to pee no yes
22:29no no
22:34leah we're here
22:38leah this is tristan
22:50good we're we're easing in slowly there's no rush
22:58so how much did he prep you
23:06when you were four you tried to scare miss rachel into canceling preschool by saying her mold didn't
23:10look right
23:14you have to twist your hamburger bun exactly three times so the condiments smear evenly
23:21you refuse an award from the state young scientist challenge because you thought it would make you a
23:25famous nerd you love being a physical therapist but you are gross out when you have to touch old
23:30people you flying to a spitting rage if you do wordle in three
23:34i do sometimes when you stand up too fast you fart and i have to ignore
23:41i do you don't now him has he ever told you about his reluctant move into politics
23:49oh my god no one time i found a notepad where he wrote assemblyman congressman lieutenant governor
23:57and the thing the thing with the after shape
24:03why
24:03i don't know
24:06i've never been so happy to be humiliated in my life
24:09it always does
24:09this could be my family my last checkbox
24:12this is amazing
24:14welcome
24:15we are not doing this by email or text or over the phone or by zoom
24:19we are going to talk about it
24:21no matter what you have to arrange
24:23you are going to be at our anniversary with the rest of the family
24:26dad
24:32you have a daughter
24:34she's alive
24:38what's happening
24:44you made me do this
24:46welcome
24:46this family's non-stop anti-social behavior and mindless belligerence and myopic priorities
24:52are toxic to me
24:53every single bad thing that happened to my life is your fault
24:56getting away from you is how i finally stopped being such an asshole
25:01wait so your biggest problem is that we exist
25:14thank you
25:15who are you
25:17i don't know
25:18how could you do this to your family
25:21no stop
25:22you insisted on barging in on my home
25:25okay without an invitation
25:27so you can at least give me the courtesy
25:28to explain myself
25:30please
25:30sit down
25:36oh my god
25:39oh my god
25:56I don't know.
26:21Yeah, no, maybe. I don't know. Can you repeat the question?
26:30You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now.
26:34And you're not so big.
26:50You're not the boss.
26:50You're not the boss.
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