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00:03In 1997 MI5's top agents gathered in Thames House for a secret meeting. This is that meeting.
00:19Director, Prince Andrew is here for his briefing. Your Majesty, thank you.
00:23I came as soon as I could. Thank you, Your Majesty.
00:26We appreciate that with the recent passing of Diana, this is a difficult time for the family.
00:39She was such a beautiful woman.
00:42Prince Andrew, no one knows better than us how charming, capable, fiercely intelligent, and morally upstanding you are.
00:50You are a credit to princes everywhere.
00:54You're too kind.
00:56Since the death of Diana, the public have turned on Prince Charles, but still, one day he will be king.
01:01We need to make him look good.
01:03There's no easy way to say this, Your Highness.
01:06We have deduced that the only way to increase the likability of our future king is to decrease the likability
01:12of everyone around him.
01:17I see. Well, I love my brother, I love my country, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
01:23We hoped you'd say that.
01:25We have prepared a 29-year plan.
01:30To slowly, but surely make the entire country think you are a...
01:34Well, have a little read.
01:41Huh.
01:46It's, uh...
01:49Huh.
01:51We're aware it's a lot.
01:53And you actually want me to do all of this stuff?
01:56Sadly, yes.
01:59Even the part about befriending a notorious pedophile?
02:03That's an important part of it, yeah.
02:06Before and after he's convicted.
02:09Right, okay.
02:10Of course.
02:10And there's absolutely no other way to make my brother look good.
02:13Well, we're also going to push an environmental angle for him, but it will be half-arsed.
02:20This all seems very high-risk.
02:22God, I'm sweating.
02:25Of course you are, Andrew, of course you are.
02:28But surely you can't make everyone around Charles unlikable.
02:31I mean, what about William?
02:33He's so handsome.
02:35We're seeing to that.
02:39And Harry?
02:40He's going to marry a woman 98% of the UK public will find it impossible to have a normal
02:46conversation about.
02:48Oh, heavens.
02:49I'm afraid this will kill mummy when the news comes out.
02:52Turn to page 72, it will.
02:56Gosh.
02:57I'm afraid of doing this alone.
02:59Isn't there anyone in government who can go on this journey with me?
03:03Send in Agent Maggelson.
03:08Gentlemen.
03:10Peter Maddox.
03:12The most honourable, ethical politician we have.
03:16No one will believe he's corruptible.
03:19I'm sorry, Andrew.
03:20The responsibility in our shoulders is more than any man can bear.
03:24And are people going to think you did all this stuff?
03:28Kind of.
03:31Well, for Britain, I'm in.
03:34I'm in, too.
03:35Oh, Fergie.
03:38Sorry I'm late.
03:40What do you need?
03:41Nothing, Fergie.
03:42You've done so much already.
03:46What's she doing here?
03:47We got divorced a year ago.
03:49Agent Ferguson has been on the payroll since 86.
03:52You wouldn't believe how good she's made you guys look by comparison.
03:56I know, and I know I can do more.
03:59Go further.
04:00Be more odd.
04:03I could drop more nudes.
04:04Suck more toes.
04:05Make my walk even weirder.
04:13The one thing that might help is if you stay by Andrew's side.
04:17Live with him, without explanation, for the next 29 years.
04:22Sure, I'm going to do that anyway.
04:25And remember, your highness, if you're ever in too deep, just say the code word and we'll step in to
04:30save you.
04:31What's the code word?
04:32Pizza.
04:34Express.
04:36Woking.
04:39I'm not sure how I'd ever fit that into a conversation, but I'll make it sound as natural as possible.
04:45Good man.
04:46Good man.
04:47Well, here goes nothing.
04:49Gentlemen, thank you, and say goodbye to the man you know and love.
04:55I'll see you in 2026, where I can finally hold my head up high and say,
05:00Live from London, it's Saturday!
05:11It's Saturday Night Live!
05:16With...
05:18...
05:51Anya Magliano
05:57Annabelle Marlowe
06:02Al Nash
06:08Jack Shep
06:14Emma Trini
06:22Paddy Young
06:28Musical guest Wolf Alice
06:35And your host Jamie Dorner
06:47Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie Dorner
06:52Thank you, thank you
07:07Thank you very much, I'm very happy to be here
07:10As the first ever host of SNL UK
07:13Since the first ever host of SNL UK
07:16My name is Jamie Dorner
07:18I am the star of the fall
07:22The Oscar winning film Belfast
07:24And of course, your auntie's favourite dreams
07:29Now over the years, you know, it's fair to say
07:31You've all seen a lot of me
07:35And by that I mean my arse
07:39But there is another part of me
07:41That you've not seen
07:44So tonight
07:46I've decided
07:50To follow broadcast guidelines
07:52And keep it that way
07:54But I will reveal something
07:56Far more intimate about myself
07:59Because I'm not just
08:00A sex symbol who
08:02Looks sexy in everything he does
08:05I am also a guy who collects rocks
08:10That look like potatoes
08:13Bring them out boys, come on
08:21There are my girls
08:25Look at these gorgeous little things
08:27And no, this isn't a joke
08:31God knows I wish it was
08:35And if you
08:36If you Google
08:38Jamie Dornan
08:39Potato rocks
08:40You'll see that I'm telling the truth
08:42Trust me, this is real
08:43I look for these
08:45When I'm on holiday
08:47I mean
08:48This one looks exactly like a chip
08:56You know, people say
08:57Well, you can't care that much
08:58Because you've only got five
09:01But that's wrong
09:01If I cared less
09:03I'd have way more
09:04My standards are like
09:05Very, very high
09:08Like take this one
09:09For example
09:10Can we get a close-up on this?
09:13I mean, isn't she beautiful?
09:19Seriously, this is who
09:20You want to sleep with?
09:21Not me, your rocks suck
09:23I think they're suck
09:26Hang on, I recognise that voice
09:27Is that Chris O'Dowd?
09:29That's right, it's me
09:30Your greatest enemy
09:31And personal friend
09:33Chris O'Dowd
09:34What's going on?
09:35Yeah, yeah, yeah
09:37Yeah
09:39What's going on?
09:42Yeah
09:43Couldn't help but notice
09:44That you're showing off
09:45Your spud rocks again
09:49You pebble slag
09:53Seriously, Chris
09:54I mean, do you really have to
09:55Turn up in the middle of
09:56Everything I do and ruin it?
09:58Is that what you're going to do?
09:59Seems that maybe
10:00I do have to do that, Jimmy
10:03Uh, okay
10:04Um, I don't really
10:06I mean, what do you want?
10:08Well, you are the man
10:09Who's got everything, huh?
10:11But maybe you don't have
10:13Everything
10:14Maybe you're missing
10:15A little something
10:20You've swapped one of my rocks
10:21For a potato
10:21Yes, I did do that
10:23For some reason
10:25And here's the best bit, huh?
10:29Smell it
10:32I'm not
10:33I'm not going to smell it
10:34Smell my spud, darn it
10:39Yeah, that's right
10:41It's not even Irish
10:44Just domestic slop
10:46Okay, right
10:47I'm sorry
10:48I'm going to have to deal with this
10:49We've got a great one for you tonight
10:51Wolf Alistair here
10:52So stick around
10:53Enjoy the show
10:54Right, come on
10:55Give me
10:55God, God, God
10:59No
11:05Hola amigos
11:06We out here in Bristol airport
11:09And we are going
11:10To Spaniard
11:12The most beautiful place in the world
11:14A country of art
11:16Culture
11:17And culinary delights
11:18And when we get there
11:20Yeah, there's only one place we're going to go.
11:27So the British Inns.
11:28Pop, pop, pop, pop.
11:30Just like Britain but in Spain.
11:32It's the British Inns.
11:33Pop, pop, pop, pop.
11:35It's run by Gary and Jane.
11:37It's the British Inns.
11:38Pop, pop, pop, pop.
11:40Newcastle shirt in her frame.
11:41And the British Inns.
11:43Pop, pop, pop, pop.
11:45Yeah.
11:46It's the British Inns.
11:47I know a place that I gotta get to.
11:49Package holiday, flying jet two.
11:52Three Euro beer, two Euro shot.
11:54It's just like that pub by my house but hot.
11:57Alicante, Mallorca and Benidorm.
11:59I don't want to speak Spanish in any form.
12:02In your purple shirt, in my carry-on.
12:04So everybody knows I'm also from where they are from.
12:08Everything we need.
12:09Many we can read.
12:10On a big screen, they got West Ham leads.
12:13Come on!
12:14Flexing while we're Brexiting.
12:15Spanish in my lexicon.
12:17I'm wearing a sombrero, even though these things are Mexican.
12:19I met a last request and I was sex and no protection.
12:21Make a bunch of babies, bring me back to the British.
12:24We speak pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
12:26We're in the Mediterranean.
12:28We speak pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
12:31And we don't speak Spanian.
12:33We're blazing.
12:34I bought the walkers in my little pie here.
12:37That's where the pork is.
12:38HB, Rochester got all the sauces.
12:41Men is so extravagant.
12:42I'm having four courses.
12:43Eggs.
12:43And chips.
12:44And chips.
12:45Fish, fingers, and a frozen garlic bread.
12:47And lemon rings.
12:48Meal damage.
12:49Free me at playing the hits.
12:50Some burnt ladies are swinging the hitch.
12:52Oh, we're going to Ibiza.
12:56Me and all my chicas to eat some chips and pizza.
13:01I know the British things.
13:02Hub, hub, hub, hub.
13:04I'm playing darts with Tad.
13:06A British thing.
13:07Hub, hub, hub, hub.
13:09Why does Melissa look sad?
13:12Mmm.
13:13Un año en yo lingo pa' este dÃa, say.
13:18Pero en el ba nadie me entiende que desastre.
13:22I don't know what you're saying.
13:24Me dar verguenta está cansada.
13:28La sopa de mi hermana está salada.
13:31What the f*** are you talking about?
13:33Don't just make up words.
13:35Guys, this isn't right.
13:36We've come all this way just to replicate our own culture.
13:40Like, surely we should at least broaden our horizon.
13:42She's right. We're too narrow-minded.
13:44There's got to be more to Spain than British-themed pubs.
13:46Hey.
13:49I know a kiss.
13:55Follow me.
13:58To the Irish shoes.
14:00Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
14:02Only thing better than a British is an Irish shoe.
14:05Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
14:07Even though they are quite similar.
14:09Irish shoes.
14:09Come on, you sexy mamas.
14:11I got the Irish toppers.
14:12Got no potatoes, Travis, but I got the plain potatoes.
14:14From Dublin to Marbella.
14:15I've never tried paella.
14:17But I'm a lucky fella.
14:18Cause I own an Irish theme pole.
14:20In speed.
14:24How we do...
14:35Alright.
14:36Where I ask.
14:40We live as heaven.
14:42I've never tried.
14:43Andrew Omar.
14:45I've never tried to use a rock sturampa but life's not empty.
14:49And command me got a symbol to theishing hope.
14:52I've got Amy. She's alive and she stays that way if you listen carefully.
14:57I need 250 grand in cash. So I guess how much do you care about your girlfriend?
15:06What? What?
15:08Hi, sorry. Um...
15:12Um, it's just, we haven't really been, um, saying, uh, girlfriend, boyfriend.
15:19Um, but I'm really comfortable with, like, everything else you've said so far.
15:23Shut up, I'm warning you.
15:30I've got Amy. She's alive. And if you want to see your friend...
15:34Oh, no, sorry.
15:38Just to clarify, we are seeing each other. Like, he's practically my boyfriend.
15:45Um, yeah, you got it. You go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
15:53I've got Amy. She's alive.
15:55God, it would just literally kill me if you knew I was referring to him as my boyfriend.
16:05Okay, so, you're sleeping together?
16:08Yeah, so, basically, we were friends first, um, and then we had this kiss, but it was just this, like,
16:17drunk thing, like, we didn't even speak about it, which is, like, crazy.
16:20Like, you would have thought, like, I'd have the confidence to, like, just bring it up, but, like, I'm not
16:24an extrovert, like, what everyone thinks.
16:26Like, I'm hesitant to join a conga line, for God's sake.
16:31So, yeah, then, like, a few weeks later, we, um, we randomly slept together, and then we just, like, kept
16:36sleeping together, and then you put me in the boot of your car, and now we're here.
16:39So, like, what would you define?
16:47Listen, when I was watching you, both through the tiny crack in the wardrobe door, I thought you looked really
16:56comfortable together.
17:02Girl, thank you for saying, um, like, I don't know, like, we do know each other intimately, and, like, like,
17:09I could describe his handwriting to you.
17:13Oh, my God!
17:15I'm so sorry, I don't know why I'm getting so upset.
17:18No, of course, I mean, this is an intense situation, I've got a gun.
17:22Um, I know I should just, like, not care, but, like, you're so fit, like, he's, like, a fit version
17:28of you.
17:30Yeah, I mean, hey, you don't have to tell me twice, you know, I saw him when I was creeping
17:34on you.
17:37Okay, like, you can, like, totally say if this is crazy, obviously, but, like, do you think there's a way
17:43you could ask him where his head's at?
17:48Girl, I gotta ask for the money anyway, so, of course!
17:53Um, just send it on my phone.
17:57Oh, I, I, I probably should have taken that off you before, huh?
18:01So, I'll, I'll text him?
18:03Um, no, we're not married, just Instagram DM.
18:05Oh.
18:11I have Amy.
18:12I need to know.
18:14Do you care about her?
18:16Do you want her to be your girlfriend?
18:19Do you have other girls to fall back on if she goes missing?
18:23I mean, what are your hopes for the future?
18:26Like, do you even want to have kids?
18:28And once I know all that, I'll send through the demands.
18:36Oh, my God!
18:37Do you feel so nervous?
18:38I know, like, what if he airs me?
18:40Oh.
18:40Oh.
18:41Hey, if he won't pay, if he won't pay 250 grand to stop me from chopping into little pieces, then
18:46he doesn't deserve you.
18:51Oh, my God!
18:52Oh, my God, he's typing.
18:55He stopped?
18:56Oh, should I send them another text?
18:57No, no, no, don't double text.
18:58Um, maybe we should upload an Instagram story of your little girl handing my boy and...
19:04Oh, my God!
19:04Okay, it's genius.
19:05Yeah.
19:06Oh, my God, he sent a video.
19:07Oh, my God.
19:08Oh, my God.
19:09Oh, my God.
19:09Oh, my God.
19:10Oh, my God.
19:24Oh, my God.
19:26Oh, my God.
19:27Oh, my God.
19:31I'm so sorry that's happened to you, babe.
19:33Babe, like, I'm sorry this has happened to you.
19:34Like, you clearly put so much work into, like, setting this whole thing up.
19:39No, it's, like, so not on that I'm going to have to kill you now.
19:43Babe, like, in the spirit of being direct, like, I have taken your gun.
19:49Okay.
19:50And I am going to escape.
19:52Oh, she's the CEO of her own future.
19:57Oh, my God.
20:00Promise me you won't go back to him.
20:02Babe, I will.
20:04Oh, my God.
20:18Sweetheart, it's one in the morning.
20:19What are you doing?
20:20Putting the clocks forward, Daddy.
20:22Daylight's saving time.
20:23If we don't change the clocks tonight, he'll get us.
20:27Who's going to get us, Eleanor?
20:28The Time Man.
20:30He waits for us at the end of every year and brings the new one in with song.
20:33He keeps the seasons in his pockets.
20:35The keeper of the clocks.
20:36The boogie woogie man.
20:38Jules Holland.
20:40It's just a myth, Eleanor.
20:42It's true.
20:43He brings the new year in with his hootenanny,
20:46and every spring he flies across the country to check that we've changed the clocks.
20:51And he's forgotten.
20:52He imprisons our souls in his boogie woogie wonderland.
20:55I know all the stories.
20:56Come on, let's get to bed, okay?
21:01It's too late.
21:03He's here.
21:04Who?
21:04Ladies and gentlemen, Olivia D.
21:07Oh, no.
21:09Five.
21:10Four.
21:11Better change the clocks.
21:12I'm nearly here.
21:13Three.
21:14Five.
21:15Two.
21:16Paloma fights him later.
21:17One.
21:18One.
21:18Two.
21:20One.
21:20Two.
21:21Good evening, everybody.
21:23Have you had a good winter?
21:24Three.
21:25Two.
21:26Two.
21:26Two.
21:27One's here.
21:31Jost Stone, everyone.
21:32Playing and cut up for a new album super tooделow.
21:35He's a certain clock.
21:37He wants his hour, but if we give him his hour, then he'll go.
21:41Oh, very good.
21:41Bang on time.
21:42Sting will be pleased.
21:58Big year for you dad. What's next?
22:00I think he wants an anecdote.
22:03Does it have to be funny?
22:04Not really.
22:05Tell the lovely people what's in store.
22:07God, that's all over-ended.
22:09Dad's here, everybody.
22:10We love you.
22:11We welcome you.
22:12More, Jules?
22:12Well, I'm not called Jewel Holland, am I?
22:15Ha ha!
22:16Ha ha!
22:17Jessie J?
22:18What are you doing?
22:19I forgot to change the clocks on my DVD player, now the dreams are my soul!
22:25You don't give me my hour.
22:27Why don't you join me in my boogie woogie wonderland forever?
22:32Oh!
22:34Come to me!
22:39Dad?
22:40Dad?
22:41Lose an hour.
22:42Not your dad.
22:43Keep your foot forward tonight.
22:45Visit dub.uk follow fast.
22:47We'll show you the hour from there.
23:16And action.
23:19Father, I'm home.
23:24Mum?
23:27I'm home.
23:29Oh my son.
23:33Oh my son.
23:48So it's her line
23:52Yes, so Stella, a little quicker in on the line
23:54Yes, quicker on the line
23:55Okay, great
23:56And remember, you're a mother being reunited with her son
23:59Okay
24:01Got it
24:02Okay, rolling
24:04So battle we've been, take two
24:08And action
24:12Mother, I'm home
24:14Oh, my son
24:16Oh, my son
24:19Oh, my son
24:24I've dreamed of this day
24:28Do I seem very different?
24:31Well, um, I need to get a look at you to answer that
24:38You look the same as ever
24:41Oh, God, I missed you, Mummy
24:43You know, I...
24:45I had the strangest time of the year
24:48I'd met this old man
24:50Whoa
24:50Oh, I don't think that's the story, love
24:56No, no, no, sorry
24:58I wasn't, no, I was just leaning in to listen
25:00I was like, what are you saying?
25:04Okay, so Stella, you're playing his mother
25:06Yeah, yeah
25:07Okay
25:08Do you think the skirt's maybe like a little bit cinched for mum?
25:11Yeah, I'm not worried about that
25:12Yeah, yeah, yeah
25:13Okay, we're losing time
25:14Michael, we really need to get that speech
25:16Are you happy to just go for it?
25:17Yeah, I'm ready, yeah, yeah
25:18Okay, Stella, just reactions from you, okay?
25:21Really almost nothing at all
25:23Yeah
25:23Okay, we're still rolling
25:25Just reactions, okay
25:28Action!
25:30I know I'm back, but in a sense, I'm not really here
25:35Mm-hmm
25:37The things I've seen
25:39The things I've done
25:46Mother
25:49My, my mother
25:50Yeah
25:50Yeah, yeah, yes
25:52I've done some bad things
25:53Oh, yes
25:54I mean, no, oh, no
25:57Oh, no, no
25:58It keeps me up at night
26:00Oh, all night long, son
26:04I did some terrible things in, in the war
26:07Oh, naughty
26:09You, you were so naughty in the war
26:24I thought there was a chance this might happen
26:26So don't worry
26:27We've already got another actress lined up, ready to go
26:29Come on
26:30Oh, my son
26:34What is happening?
26:35No, wait
26:36I actually like this one
26:39Okay, let's dance, everyone
26:47Ladies and gentlemen, Wolf Ellis
26:50Yes
26:54Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,y
27:00My love has magnetic properties
27:03Throw the skull up from the island like they came from me
27:07I don't need the soul
27:08I up, don't I get to do
27:10Just need an answer to the question in the taxi
27:13See my sister painting, I can be like blaspheming, but I never thought of things as I said, said that
27:19you, it's my choice to choose who I am, there's a family, my choice to choose, yeah, my choice to
27:25choose, yeah.
27:26Now who I have, that's important to me, do what I got to see the wind from the trees, now
27:39who I have, that's important to me, let the branches wrap their arms around me.
27:52I can just wander always, like a leaf on the surface breeze, I do not need no room in, I
28:02carry home with me, to be a nomad and body, on the waves of the jungle sea, I can see
28:13in the swimming, white horses carry me.
28:31I can't love having magnetic properties, wrote a scholar from the island that they kept for me, I don't need
28:38to sold my unknown identity, just need an answer to the question in the taxi.
28:43See my sister painting, apathy, like blasphemy, I've seen Godwinner, people closest to me, my choice to choose who I
28:52am, there's a family, I choose you, yeah, I choose you.
28:56Now who I have, that's important to me, do what I got to see the wind from the trees, now
29:10who I have, that's important to me, let the branches wrap their arms around me.
29:23I can just wander always, like a leaf on the surface breeze, I do not need no room in, I
29:33carry home with me, to be a nomad and body, on the waves of the jungle sea,
29:42I can't see the wind, I can't see the wind from the trees, now who I have, that's important to
29:53me, do what I got to see the wind from the trees, now who I have, that's important to me,
30:08let the branches wrap their arms around me.
30:21I can just wander always, like a leaf on the surface breeze, I do not need no room, I carry
30:32home with me, to be a nomad and body, on the waves of the jungle sea,
30:40I can just wander always, like a leaf on the surface breeze, I do not need no room, I carry
31:03home with me, to be a nomad and body, on the waves of the jungle sea,
31:19It's Weekend Update with Tania Magliano and Paddy Young.
31:33Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young.
31:38And I'm Anya Magliano.
31:42In a world of darkness, horror and despair, we're here to make it worse.
31:48Let's have it.
31:51The conflict in the Middle East continues to escalate.
31:54Israel has intercepted a missile from Yemen, which has been identified as a Houthi missile.
32:00As in, Houthi hell fired that missile.
32:04While Trump has been insisting that Iran wants a deal so badly,
32:08an Iranian military spokesperson has said, quote,
32:11Our first and last word from the very first day has been, is and will remain.
32:17Someone like us will never come to terms with someone like you.
32:20Not now and not ever.
32:22Oh my God, just kiss already.
32:28Corey Edwards, a reform candidate in Wales, has stepped down after being photographed while appearing to do a Nazi salute.
32:35Reform leader Nigel Farage said it looks terrible.
32:37And he's right.
32:38The arm's too low.
32:39He's grinning.
32:41And where's his swastika?
32:42When did Nazis get so sloppy?
32:45Chancellor Rachel Reeves has indicated that millions of households will get no help from the government to pay soaring energy
32:52bills.
32:53Thanks, bitch.
32:58A US congressman has made a direct plea to Sarah Ferguson to testify about her close personal and business ties
33:05to Jeffrey Epstein.
33:06But to be fair to Fergie, she does have a full diary.
33:13Reports have revealed that in the upcoming musical adaptation of Trainspotting, the main character will be addicted not only to
33:21heroin, but also to social media.
33:24The show will premiere in July and is being directed by your year 11 drama teacher.
33:31Leonid Ravinsky, the owner of OnlyFans, has died.
33:34So gentlemen, when you're visiting the site this week, lower your penises to half mass.
33:41Beautiful funeral, by the way.
33:43Wasn't a dry tissue in the house.
33:47And now, it seems like the whole world is at war.
33:51Russia and Ukraine, the Middle East, Chapel Rhone and that tiny girl.
33:56By the way, it was actually Sabrina Carpenter's bodyguard.
33:58But anyway, war.
34:00We could just keep making jokes about it.
34:02But first, we do want to check.
34:04Are you okay?
34:10This is Hand in Hand with Anya and Pad.
34:14We're here to tell you that it's going to be okay.
34:16Because we've got each other.
34:18World War III.
34:19Sounds scary, huh?
34:20But we've already had two.
34:24And don't they say good things come in threes?
34:26Good things can come from war.
34:29Antibiotics, jet engines, something to talk to your dad about.
34:33If London gets bombed, house prices will drop.
34:37And so will house numbers.
34:39We'll all get to live across the two houses that are left.
34:42Like in Friends.
34:44It might sound scary to have missiles rain down on us.
34:47But look on the bright side.
34:49Stephen Bartlett might get his face blown off.
34:55And who's to say we won't come out on top?
34:58As a nation, we've beaten them all.
34:59The French, the Germans, foot and mouth.
35:03And sure, the bad guys might win and we end up speaking Ukrainian.
35:10But don't worry.
35:11We're in this together.
35:13We've got you.
35:14We've got each other.
35:15This has been Hand in Hand with Paddy and Anya.
35:25Research has found that pregnant women on the tube
35:28have to stand for an average of five stops
35:31before being offered a seat.
35:32It seems like a bit of social, basic social etiquette.
35:35But please, if you're watching men, wear a condom.
35:40Lux Maxine influencer Clavicula has been arrested.
35:43And I'm sure he has no regrets about dedicating his life
35:46to making himself look like a beautiful young boy
35:48right before he was taken to jail.
35:54The former Tory justice minister, Crispin Blunt,
35:57has admitted to hosting chemsex parties
36:00and has been fined £1,200 for possessing illegal drugs,
36:04including crystal meth and the sedative GBL.
36:07I have to say, he looks surprisingly grumpy
36:10for someone who loves being jacked up on meth.
36:14Blunt told the court that he got involved
36:16in the chemsex party scene to help inform government policy.
36:21Blunt is set to publish his research
36:23in a parliamentary advisory paper entitled,
36:25Oh, my God, guys, you have to try chemsex.
36:29In his speech to the court,
36:31Blunt called for all drugs to be legalised,
36:33but he acknowledged that the chemsex lifestyle did carry risks,
36:37like coming so hard you drop your poppers.
36:41Trust me, it happens.
36:43In lighter news,
36:45the town of Grantham in Lincolnshire
36:47has announced that it's reviving its medieval onion fair.
36:50The event on October 10th
36:52will see onion tastings,
36:54onion-themed street food,
36:55onion-flavoured drinks,
36:56and an onion-eating competition.
36:57So if you're looking for something fun to do on October 10th,
37:02why not avoid Grantham?
37:05An AI-generated military influencer and foot fetish model
37:09has reached over a million followers on Instagram.
37:12There she is in her military-grade stilettos.
37:16Honestly, what kind of a sad, sexually frustrated loser
37:20would sit alone fantasising about her
37:22for hours in my bedroom last night?
37:25A new documentary reveals K-pop group BTS
37:29struggled to return to music after mandatory military service.
37:32So, did the stress of this overstimulate Jimin,
37:35causing Sunflower spillover
37:36and micro-snaps towards Jungkook?
37:39And what now?
37:40Will V's whimsical detours
37:41cause the deep-thinker RM to become overprotective?
37:44And what about the push-ball duo of Sugar and J-Hope?
37:47Can Jin be the quiet stabiliser,
37:49anchoring Jungkook with micro-bubble maintenance?
37:51Or will V use his whimsy shield
37:53to offset bubble drift
37:54and soften Jimin with mirror gestures?
37:57No idea.
37:59I've never even heard of BTS.
38:03A new report has said
38:05that birth rates in the UK are falling
38:07and for a change,
38:08us girls are getting the blame for it.
38:10Reform's Matt Goodwin has said
38:12that the problem is women
38:13having children too late in life.
38:16You know who I wish left having a baby
38:18till it was too late in life, Matt Goodwin?
38:20Your mum.
38:22Here to discuss the ins and outs,
38:24please welcome our own fertility expert
38:25and cast member Ayoadee Banboye!
38:31Thank you for having me.
38:34So, Ayoadee,
38:35you're here to explain why you think
38:37birth rates are plummeting?
38:38Yes, and the media would have you thinking
38:40that this is a complex issue,
38:41but it's actually quite simple.
38:42We're not being honest
38:44about what the real problem is here.
38:46Uh, women not wanting to have babies?
38:48Women not wanting to have babies
38:50with men like you.
38:52Like me?
38:53How is this my fault?
38:54Paddy, no one looks at you
38:55and thinks yes.
38:56Your genes must be preserved
38:58for the next generation.
39:00What's wrong with old pads?
39:01When was the last time
39:02you changed your bedding?
39:03Can you drive?
39:04Have you drunk water today?
39:06Had a shower?
39:07How is he going to impregnate anyone?
39:10He's completely dehydrated.
39:11His sperm probably looks like dusty oak.
39:14Wait, wait a second.
39:15What if I told you
39:16that most women actually
39:18want to have children?
39:19And I'm going to have to say
39:20the quiet part out loud.
39:21The fact of the matter is
39:22men are very, very difficult
39:24to be around.
39:27Anya,
39:28have you watched a man eat?
39:31It's not good.
39:32It's so scary.
39:34This generation of men
39:35just aren't up to it.
39:37They're easily overwhelmed.
39:38Some even have the audacity
39:39to grow a moustache.
39:42Moustache is for men
39:43with full driving license.
39:46So, what is your solution
39:48to a generation of women
39:49being repulsed by the idea
39:50of having my children?
39:51I'm so glad you asked.
39:52To me, we have two options.
39:54We bank the sperm of the gays,
39:56the practicing gays to be exact.
39:58And we just use that, yes.
40:00Or we milk three to five
40:02high-value males
40:04whose seed would actually
40:06be useful to us.
40:07So, for example,
40:08people like Martin Lewis,
40:09money-saving expert.
40:11Yes!
40:13Ayuade, we can't milk
40:14Martin Lewis.
40:15We need him on the front line.
40:16To be fair, you're right.
40:17You're right.
40:18We can't lose our strongest soldier.
40:20Thank you for joining us,
40:21fertility expert,
40:22Ayuade Bamboye, everybody.
40:25For Weekend Update,
40:27I'm Paddy Young.
40:27And I'm Annie Magliano.
40:28Good night!
40:29Good night!
40:45I'm Annie Magliano.
40:48Thank you for joining us,
40:48and I'm Annie Magliano.
40:49Thank you for joining us,
40:49and I'm Annie Magliano.
40:49Thank you for joining us,
40:49Thank you for joining us,
40:49Thank you for joining us,
40:50Thank you for joining us,
40:50Thank you for joining us,
40:51Thank you for joining us,
40:54and we'll be right back to you.
40:54And we'll be right back to you.
40:56And we'll be right back to you.
41:03please i can't do it anymore please you're coming with me please
41:14this ain't right this ain't right my damn for crap's sake if they hear you it'll be lessons
41:21for all of us you what is it we do here i can't i can't i need to hear you
41:28say it
41:28what is it we do here you know when you open a hot wrap from pret or mcdonald's and part
41:35of the wrap sticks to the inside of the packet so when you take it out the whole wrap completely
41:40falls apart we're the people who glue down that bit of a wrap i can't do this anymore
41:53it ain't right gluing all day gluing all night gluing rocks will they join my fight
42:11oh god here arkater the people's princess seen her kind before haven't we marty brave rebellious
42:23doesn't understand the wrap gluing thing
42:27pipe down little girl you ain't got a clue shut that shiny mouth of yours you ain't too much a
42:35clue
42:35we like things how we like them we're never so scared of change being alive is suffering we exist to
42:42remind you of that but would it be so bad if the wraps came out in one piece face facts
42:52freckles
42:53it's rotten work but someone's got to do it do they though do i smell unglued wraps quick it's a
43:03moment oh i am a man and that's as good to run this factory my wife is dead i hate
43:15the poor
43:16and i'm the mayor well well well if it ain't my stinky little workforce with their horrible faces
43:28living their miserable lives oh doing exactly what they're told i'm sure
43:37huh
43:41who is responsible for this
43:46i said who is responsible for this
43:55tired sweetheart cream crack it from glue and wraps
43:59oh you gotta always work in my other factory
44:04when we stick fruit polos together so they can deal into one weird cylinder
44:14tired i'm not tired i'm the opposite of tired whatever that is
44:22in fact i'm just getting started stop her
44:28please can't you see why we're here we are ruining the lunches of innocent folk
44:33we mustn't turn our backs on the packs of the people on the street who need us the most we
44:38can't
44:38you with the glue which is true what i'm saying what's not sticking in your brain you're not listening
44:43same old story being said try to wrap it's dead
44:46but luck it's stuck we can't give up my friend
45:00she's right i joined the fight me too and me she'll set us free a new life no strife
45:08also how is this a job
45:12whoa get off me i said get off me
45:16he's gonna fall into the furnace no one's even touching him
45:19it's the power of the song curse you you bloody little bitch
45:24oh stop
45:33wow
45:37his reign of terror is over
45:40people of the factory what glues down wraps
45:45we're finally free to get no jobs in an amazon warehouse
45:50yes
45:51oh yes
45:59i'm ollie douggan and i'm natty douggan and we are the bean pros
46:03growing up we never had much but there was always two things we could rely on
46:08our lovely nanny sue and her legendary beans on toast
46:13four years ago our beautiful nanny sue took out our life savings so that we could follow
46:17our dreams and open our very own food truck
46:21and since then we've sold over 50 million beans to happy customers up and down the country
46:27we owe everything we have to our dear nanny sue and our kick-ass secret recipe
46:32and before you ask aye
46:34our nanny sue is that sue duggin
46:37recently dubbed a toxic widow because last week she was convicted of injecting a bus full of children with hepatitis
46:43c
46:46and before you ask no we don't know why she did it
46:49and before you ask yes we have cut ties with our nanny sue completely
46:54we're opening our first real restaurant tomorrow and the timing could not be worse
47:01we've got classic beans we've got nashville barbecue beans we've got thai bean curry beans
47:06and before you ask no the beans will not give you hepatitis
47:10and before you ask yes some of the children are still in comas
47:14also before you ask yes we are both considering chemical castration
47:19just to make sure the evil in our bloodline dies with us
47:27we also do chicken wings
47:30at beans goes there are three things we are passionate about
47:33big flavours, good vibes and a Tony for the sins of our wicked family
47:37that's why we've partnered with a local charity that helps rehabilitate grandmothers convicted of serious violent crime
47:43this is Jenny, she cut the brakes on her daughter-in-law's Vauxhall Corsa
47:48Sandra posted a letter bomb to our next-door neighbour because they left their Christmas lights up too long
47:54Deborah threw acid at an Uber driver
47:57before you ask yes it was racially motivated
48:02fuck
48:02fuck
48:03fuck
48:03this is hell
48:04oh I didn't realise we had to do it ourselves
48:07so come on down to beans bros
48:09because those kids are not coming back
48:11and we don't want to go to hell
48:19once again
48:20Wolf Ellis
48:28it really really made the room sing
48:33the way you said my name
48:37like you could not believe I'll be here
48:43though our friends are all the same
48:48I wanted you to walk on over
48:53but you turned and went the other way
48:58I followed you around the corner
49:03and I'll always picture you this way
49:06beating against the wall
49:12you put my world in just love more
49:22you put my name up in love
49:32you put my name up in love
49:36you put my name up in love
49:39you put my name up in love
49:43you put my name up in love
49:43you put my name up in love
49:43you put my name up in love
49:43you put my name up in love
49:47you put my name up in love
49:52you put my name up in love
49:53you put my name up in love
49:54you put my name up in love
49:56I thought as you spung me round
50:01Perfect displays of affection
50:06Well it takes two so there's always a crowd
50:11I don't so you will watch me
50:16That doesn't hurt my pride
50:21I like the thrill of night before me
50:26My music, courage, I'll fight one
50:29You're leaning against the wall
50:36You put my word in slumber
50:45You put my name out in love
50:54Because
50:56Doesn't anybody know you are denying you
51:02It's an important thing
51:35Because
51:37I'm in love
51:43I'm in love
51:46I'm in love
51:57I'm in love
52:00I'm in love
52:04I'm in love
52:20I'm in love
52:49I'm in love
52:50I've been trying to keep my cool all night but I'm such a huge fan of yours
52:54I can't believe ex-international rugby player Jason Robertson OBE is actually dating my wife's best friend
53:03Thanks
53:03You know I have to have to say I was quite good at rugby myself
53:08Oh yeah
53:09Yeah
53:10Yeah, yeah, yeah, no I probably could have gone pro if it wasn't for my
53:12Oh no, no, no
53:13Please, please don't say me
53:15I hate that
53:17Do you know how many people come up to me and say
53:18Oh I could have gone pro if it weren't for my knee
53:20No, you couldn't go pro because you weren't good enough
53:25No, I was
53:27It wasn't actually on my knee
53:29I had a different, like a rare condition
53:32What condition?
53:37One sec, I'm just going to get another drink
53:39Alright
53:41Did he finally mention the rugby?
53:42Yeah, big time
53:43Oh, he loves it so much, bless him
53:45Did he freak out?
53:46No, no, no
53:47He was going on about how he could have gone pro if it weren't for his condition
53:51His what?
53:52Yeah
53:53Babe, sorry, can I see you in the kitchen for a second?
53:55Yeah
53:57What's up?
53:59Uh, I've gone and bloody cut my balls off and super glued them onto my hips, haven't I?
54:10You've what?
54:15I've cut off my balls and stuck them to my hips
54:19What part of that don't you understand?
54:22Why?
54:24I panicked, I panicked
54:25I needed a serious condition, otherwise he's not going to like me
54:30He's going to think I'm just one of those, like
54:32I could have been a pro if it wasn't for my knee guys
54:35You are that
54:36Please
54:37This is my last chance to be friends with a genuine rugby player, just let me have this
54:43Fine, fine
54:49Does anyone want more wine?
54:52Because I need a drink
55:00He's got this rare condition and it's just flaring up
55:04Don't be ashamed, Jonathan, show them
55:08Yeah
55:16Yeah, I was, um, I was born with it, it's called, um, it's called scrotumus hyptomums
55:29Oh, what, how did that stop you playing?
55:33It's a great question
55:34Um, everything was going great, you know, I kept it sort of hidden until I was about 15 and then
55:41Then my balls dropped
55:43And, uh, it became a problem during, uh, line-outs, you know, so
55:47So painful, you know, getting picked up from my waist, like, crushing my balls, so
55:52Yeah
55:53Oh, and, um, during scrums, yeah
55:56The scrums, the lads would, you know, they'd have their ear pressed against, you know, eating my balls
56:03Oh, wow, I'm not gonna lie, it would be hard to go pro with those, you know, you'd be in
56:10the showers looking like a, like a sparsely decorated Christmas tree
56:14Sorry, sorry, mate, sorry, mate
56:15That was above the belt
56:18No, no, I respect when you struggled, man
56:20Is he good, yeah?
56:23Yeah, he's fine
56:24All right, well, see you at work, so
56:26Great to see you, Jason
56:27Let yourselves out
56:28Bye, Jason, man
56:29See ya
56:35Oh, my God
56:36Oh, so, so just asked if Jason can have your number
56:41Yes, yes
56:43Well done
56:44Oh, my balls
56:45Oh, my God
57:03Wow, my biggest thanks to Will Ballas, the crystal guy, huge thank you to the cast, the writers, everyone working
57:09on the show for making such a great week
57:11Good night
57:13Good night
57:41Good night
57:43Good night
57:45Mm, good night
57:47Yeah, Groß — good night
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