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00:00:11Oh
00:00:14Golly, well, well, what if Donald shouts at me?
00:00:19What do I say labby?
00:00:23Just be yourself Prime Minister yourself is who everyone likes
00:00:30Hello
00:00:35I've sought that scary scary wonderful president
00:00:40Why so blubber difficult to talk to?
00:00:44Just be honest and tell them we can't send any more ships to the Strait of Hormuz Oh
00:00:50Crumbs, I just hate conflict so much
00:00:55Are you referring to the wall or this phone call?
00:00:57Isn't there a way I can not do both?
00:01:01I just want to keep him happy labby
00:01:04You don't understand him like I do. I could change him I
00:01:11Don't think the feelings mutual he can't stop insulting you he called you a coward
00:01:16I'm out of my depth here labby
00:01:19How did this trust make this job look so easy?
00:01:25Look we were worried you'd lose your nerve so we've taken steps to help you gain unfounded confidence
00:01:31Mr. Prime Minister meet your Gen Z advisor at Luke Hoopie
00:01:34What's off Stamzy?
00:01:35Boop, boop, boop
00:01:38Is the most qualified person we have he is the only person under 23 who voted Labour and would so
00:01:44again in the next election
00:01:47You're not voting for the Green Party
00:01:49Nah, my dad works in oil
00:01:52No cap Stamzy, I love you and I do hearts this way with my thumb
00:01:57Thank you at little hoopie. I love you too
00:02:02Sirk here is trying to set boundaries with the president while preserving their special relationship
00:02:07Mmm, I see. Facts. Facts. Okay, so you're looking for more of a special situation ship. Okay, I've got you
00:02:14covered
00:02:15I'm an expert in messy drama. I've been in three throuples, and I'm currently gay
00:02:22First thing you've got to do you've got to forget the phone call these days all about the voice note.
00:02:27Oh, I'll try anything. I'll do anything
00:02:31Except take a stand
00:02:35So care-coded hey listen take the phone and just speak from the heart
00:02:42Hi Donald
00:02:45I'm afraid I can't go to war with you
00:02:48That doesn't mean we can't still be chums
00:02:53America and Britain have a long proud tradition of cooperation and nothing can take that away
00:03:00Remember the good times
00:03:02Remember D-Day
00:03:05Remember Live Aid
00:03:08Remember Iraq
00:03:11For the first week and then none of the rest
00:03:16Remember
00:03:16Remember Helen Baxendale of friends
00:03:20Remember Hugh Laurie on friends
00:03:23Remember the episode of friends where they all came to London
00:03:28Remember the one where Joey put on all of childless clothes
00:03:34That was a funny one
00:03:39Get back on tracks I get yes most importantly remember the one where Ross and Rachel were on a break
00:03:46I
00:03:48Think perhaps that's what we need
00:03:50Not forever just until you've got all this war out of your system
00:03:55Listen we want different things I know how badly you want to start world war three and that's great
00:04:04You should absolutely do that but we can't be a part of it
00:04:09You can however use the naval bases whenever you want
00:04:14Me bassa sue bassa
00:04:20Me bassa sue bassa
00:04:44And embrace their wonderful
00:04:46And embrace their wonderful unproblematic culture
00:04:48Speaking of which
00:04:51Speaking of which
00:04:52Live from London
00:04:53It's Saturday
00:05:04It's Saturday Night Live
00:05:07With
00:05:12Mamet Animashown
00:05:20Ayoade Bromboye
00:05:25Larry D
00:05:33Celeste Spring
00:05:38George Fouracres
00:05:44Anya Magliano
00:05:50Annabelle Marlowe
00:05:55Al Nash
00:06:01Jack Sheff
00:06:07Emma Ciddy
00:06:15Paddy Yard
00:06:22Musical guest, Wet Leg
00:06:28And your host, Tina Fey
00:06:40Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey
00:07:02Thank you very much
00:07:03Oh my gosh, I am so excited to be here in London
00:07:07It is an absolute honor
00:07:08And honestly, kind of historic
00:07:11Guys, I am the youngest person ever to host SNL UK
00:07:20Again, my name is Tina Fey
00:07:22Here in the UK
00:07:24Here in the UK you might know me as the teacher from Mean Girls
00:07:29Or you might remember a long time ago when I played Sarah Palin on SNL US
00:07:37Or maybe you feel like you recognize me as the lady from the show Veep
00:07:42And that's fine too, let's go with that
00:07:45So why do a UK version of SNL?
00:07:48Well, like so many large-scale American operations these days, no one really knows why
00:07:56But here's what this is, okay?
00:07:58It is a sketch comedy show
00:08:00There will be a different celebrity host each week
00:08:03There will be music performances
00:08:04And the show is truly live
00:08:07So things may go wrong
00:08:09Things may have already gone wrong
00:08:11My pants were supposed to be full length
00:08:15And I'm so excited for you to meet your cast
00:08:17They are wonderful
00:08:18I can't even begin to understand them when they speak
00:08:23One boy is either Scottish or choking
00:08:28But their energy is A plus
00:08:30And I'm going to stay out of their way tonight as much as possible
00:08:34I'm just here as a long-time SNL employee to help out
00:08:39And to answer like any questions anyone might have
00:08:42Oh hi, yeah, Nicola Coughlin
00:08:49It is lovely to see you
00:08:51But my question is if this is SNL UK
00:08:55Then why are you the first host?
00:08:58Shouldn't it be like a British icon?
00:09:00Like David Beckham or Judi Dench
00:09:02Or like Shrek
00:09:04Wait, Shrek is British?
00:09:06Scotland isn't Britain, Tina
00:09:08Educate yourself
00:09:11Well, that is a valid question
00:09:13Why an American host?
00:09:15And the way it was explained to me
00:09:17Was that for this first episode anyway
00:09:20How do I put this politely?
00:09:22None of you fuckers would do it?
00:09:26Does that make sense?
00:09:27It does
00:09:30Is it possible that many of us were a little reluctant
00:09:32To be in the first show
00:09:34Because this is going out in Britain
00:09:35And British people tend to root for the failure of others
00:09:41Yeah, why are you guys like that?
00:09:43Well, not me
00:09:44I'm Irish
00:09:46Educate yourself
00:09:49Look, that all is to say
00:09:50If this show is a hit
00:09:51And if you do ever happen to get Olly Murs for musical guest
00:09:54I would be honoured to come back
00:09:56And win a BAFTA for it
00:09:58Amazing
00:09:58Well, that's great to know
00:10:00Thank you, Nicola
00:10:04Any other questions?
00:10:06Oh, sure
00:10:07Michael Cera
00:10:07Hi
00:10:13Hi, Tina
00:10:13Hi, Michael
00:10:15Why are you here?
00:10:15You're not British
00:10:17No, I'm Canadian
00:10:18It's part of the Commonwealth
00:10:19Educate yourself
00:10:23Sorry
00:10:24No, I don't really have a question
00:10:25But I just wanted to say
00:10:26I think you just swore a second ago
00:10:28You said the F word
00:10:29Oh, yeah
00:10:30We are allowed to swear in this version of the show
00:10:37It's crazy
00:10:38Can I try?
00:10:39Sure
00:10:40If you want to
00:10:43Shitbird
00:10:44Just fucking
00:10:46Bollocks
00:10:48I think I would use it sparingly
00:10:50It feels kind of unclassy
00:10:51Yeah, you know what?
00:10:52You're right
00:10:53I agree, Michael
00:10:53That's a great note
00:10:54Thank you so much
00:10:58We have time for one more
00:11:00Oh, yes
00:11:01Graham Norton
00:11:02Thank you
00:11:05So nice to see you
00:11:07I just wondered
00:11:08Did you know that this is usually my studio?
00:11:11Yeah, I did hear that, Graham
00:11:13Thank you for loaning it to us
00:11:14Oh, would you mind if I came up there
00:11:16And just showed you a fiddly thing about this place?
00:11:18Oh, I would love it
00:11:18Come on, Graham Norton
00:11:19Everybody
00:11:22Great
00:11:23Thank you, thank you, thank you
00:11:25Yeah, sure
00:11:26Now, Tina
00:11:27I believe you've always had a deep love of British comedy
00:11:32Are you interviewing me now?
00:11:34Let me help you
00:11:35I have a gift for making American celebrities likeable to a British audience
00:11:41Wait, are we not likeable?
00:11:43Oh
00:11:46Hey, I hear you have a really funny story about watching British television as a young child
00:11:52Oh, well, yes, actually
00:11:54Growing up, we thought that anything British was educational
00:11:57So my parents showed us all British shows
00:12:00And we used to watch Benny Hill as a family
00:12:03No
00:12:04As a young girl, you would watch Benny Hill?
00:12:07No
00:12:08It really messed me up sexually
00:12:12What about Ab Fab?
00:12:13Oh, sweetie, darling
00:12:14You're just a little shop girl, darling
00:12:15Keeping up appearances
00:12:16Richard
00:12:18Monty Python
00:12:19That is an ex-parrot
00:12:20Fawlty Towers
00:12:21Nobody mentioned the war
00:12:23Are you being served?
00:12:24My pussy is like an alarm club
00:12:27Reggie Perrin
00:12:28I didn't get where I am today by waffling
00:12:30Deep cut, Monty Python
00:12:32We lived in shoebox in middle of road
00:12:35East Enders
00:12:36I killed Ethel
00:12:37Oh, my
00:12:40David Fred
00:12:42David Fred
00:12:43There's been a rape up there
00:12:45And dark trends
00:12:47Nothing beats a Jet 2 holiday
00:12:49Auto-gloss repair
00:12:50Auto-gloss replace
00:12:52Oh, that's right
00:12:53You got it
00:12:55They're all yours now, Tina
00:12:56All yours
00:12:56We've done a great show
00:12:58Wet Leg is here
00:12:59Stick your out and watch this
00:13:01When it comes to age-defying skin care
00:13:09I don't need a time machine
00:13:11I just need something that works
00:13:14So I can bring back the spark in me
00:13:17And in us
00:13:21And now I've found it
00:13:23The anti-aging cream that works so well
00:13:25Everyone will think your husband
00:13:27Is a nonce
00:13:31She's my wife
00:13:32She's a grown woman
00:13:33Shut your mouth
00:13:34You made me sick
00:13:39Introducing Indourage
00:13:41With active compounds and hyaluronic acid
00:13:44Indourage delivers special protection for your skin
00:13:46And ensures your husband will need special protection when he's in jail
00:13:51My wife's skin has never looked more youthful and fresh
00:13:54It's destroyed my life
00:13:55Thanks, Indourage
00:13:56My skin looks so fresh
00:13:58My husband can't go anywhere without being hunted by right-wing, paedophile-catching militias
00:14:08Frank, someone's at the door
00:14:11Thanks, Indourage
00:14:12My husband is no longer allowed within 200 feet of a score
00:14:17My husband lost his record deal
00:14:19And some, but not all of his fans
00:14:24He loves the way I look
00:14:25Yeah, but, you know
00:14:27Not like that
00:14:28Sorry
00:14:29Excuse me
00:14:30Little girl
00:14:31Do you know this man?
00:14:34Your wife
00:14:35You sick bastard
00:14:37He's married to an Indourage girl
00:14:39He's married to an Indourage girl
00:14:42I'm married to an underage girl
00:14:45I'm going to have a pronounce that right
00:14:48No, I didn't mean that
00:14:51No, it's the name of the thing
00:14:54Indourage
00:14:54I'm not underage
00:14:57Or am I
00:14:58She's not
00:14:58She's not
00:14:59Indourage by Peter Lay
00:15:10Hello
00:15:12I'm David Attenborough
00:15:14And it can't be long now
00:15:21As the only remaining national treasure
00:15:24Not on that list
00:15:26I enjoy a place as one of 90% of the British public's dream dinner party guests
00:15:34But I'm often asked who would be on mine
00:15:38Well, using DNA sampling and my own brother's Jurassic Park technology
00:15:44I have reanimated some of history's greatest Britons for one night only
00:15:50So that I can ask them
00:15:52So that I can ask them
00:15:53What really makes Britain great?
00:15:55This is David Attenborough's Last Supper
00:16:07I'd like to welcome my guests
00:16:10Prime Minister
00:16:12Prime Minister
00:16:12Prime Minister
00:16:12Prime Minister
00:16:12Prime Minister
00:16:12Church
00:16:14Astronomer and mathematician
00:16:15Sir Isaac Newton
00:16:17Nurse
00:16:19Mary C. Cole
00:16:20Diana
00:16:22Princess of Wales
00:16:27Author
00:16:28Agatha Christie
00:16:29Poet
00:16:31Benjamin
00:16:32Zephaniah
00:16:34Freddie Mercury from Queen
00:16:38Elizabeth I from Being the Queen
00:16:43Surprise, surprise, it's Cilla Black
00:16:49Thank you so much for hosting this dinner party, Sir David
00:16:52You're very welcome, Princess Di
00:16:55Now
00:16:58As this cloning technology only works for one hour
00:17:05I'll cut to the chase
00:17:07What do you think makes Britain great?
00:17:13Before we commence, there is a mystery I should like to solve
00:17:18Are we doing starters?
00:17:20I'm getting a starter and bleeding starving
00:17:24Yes, order whatever you like
00:17:26Tonight is about thrilling conversation
00:17:29And the greatness of Great Britain
00:17:32Yes, Winston Churchill
00:17:34Shall we get three starters for the table and do picky bits?
00:17:39Hey-ho
00:17:42Freddie says he wants the croquettes
00:17:43Oh, yeah
00:17:46I'd have the croquettes, but I only want a little nibble
00:17:54Well, hang on, hang on
00:17:57By my calculations, there are three croquettes in one order and ten of us
00:18:01Therefore, if we order three portions, one person will miss out
00:18:04The solution is simple
00:18:06We order four
00:18:08That means that three people will get two croquettes
00:18:11But who, another mystery
00:18:14Look, look, look, look
00:18:16Don't worry about the food
00:18:18The BBC have spared no expense
00:18:20Bringing you back to life
00:18:23I'm sure they're happy to cover one dinner at the Ivy
00:18:27Now, as to the source of Britain's greatness
00:18:32Not to be that person, but I don't like croquettes
00:18:34I'd rather get the soup
00:18:35Hi about, that's a lot of starter just for use
00:18:39Have a new daddy
00:18:41Freddie is right
00:18:42We shouldn't all have to pay for your starter
00:18:44No, no one's paying
00:18:45No one's paying
00:18:46It's
00:18:48It's covered, guys
00:18:50Tonight
00:18:50It's about
00:18:52Scintillating conversation
00:18:54And
00:18:55Learning from each other
00:18:57Yes
00:18:57Benjamin Zephaniah
00:18:58Do you think each coffee comes with a free rice?
00:19:01If it has an asterisk next to its name
00:19:04Then it comes with a free rice
00:19:07People on the street
00:19:09You're right, Freddie
00:19:11There are some people on the street
00:19:12But that doesn't answer the question about poppadoms
00:19:16Stop it
00:19:17Stop it now
00:19:20It doesn't matter what we have to eat
00:19:24I'll put that down
00:19:25Put it
00:19:26This experiment has been a complete waste of time
00:19:31And money
00:19:32The answer I was looking for
00:19:35As to what makes Britain truly great
00:19:37Was
00:19:37The NHS
00:19:38And centre parks
00:19:40There
00:19:42You've ruined it
00:19:43Dinner over
00:19:47Now we shall move on
00:19:49To the lovemaking portion of the evening
00:19:53Anybody who wants to leave
00:19:56Now's your chance
00:20:00Head over to iPlayer now
00:20:02To see the full
00:20:03Uncut edition
00:20:04Of David Attenborough's
00:20:05Last Supper
00:20:06Thank you for joining us
00:20:08Thank you for joining us
00:20:09Thank you for joining us
00:20:17Thank you for joining us
00:20:20Thank you for joining us
00:20:21Thank you for joining us
00:20:21Thank you for joining us
00:20:22Thank you for joining us
00:20:22Thank you for joining us
00:20:22Thank you for joining us
00:20:24Thank you for joining us
00:20:25Thank you for joining us
00:20:44I'm Ed Boobies. Welcome to Boobies Goes to the Films, the show about all things cinema.
00:20:51And this is a very special day. I'm pinching myself, to be honest.
00:20:54We've got Ricky Hall and Lena Phillips in the house.
00:20:58In the house.
00:21:00What's happening?
00:21:01Good to be here.
00:21:02They're here to talk to us through their new film, Hot Streak, and they are two icons of cinema.
00:21:07I hope you don't mind me saying.
00:21:09No, I don't mind at all.
00:21:10Keep saying it.
00:21:14Lena, I've been a fan since your first film, Sunrise Eyes.
00:21:18Wow, that's a deep cut.
00:21:20Oh, yeah.
00:21:24And Ricky, Crazy Goat, underrated movie.
00:21:29Thanks so much, man.
00:21:30No, no, thank you.
00:21:31And I guess I'm trying to say, I love you and your work so much.
00:21:34I hope that's not too creepy.
00:21:36No, thank you.
00:21:37Thanks so much, man.
00:21:38Okay, so let's talk about Hot Streak.
00:21:40I watched this last night.
00:21:41It fucking sucked.
00:21:49Excuse me?
00:21:51It sucked.
00:21:53It sucked.
00:21:54So bad, like, all the way through.
00:21:56What happened?
00:22:02Um...
00:22:03Lena, you first.
00:22:06Yeah, um, well, we loved working on this movie.
00:22:09Uh-huh.
00:22:10Yeah, it was a dream to work with Vicky, our director.
00:22:13But why did it suck so bad, like, all the way through?
00:22:16Well, I don't...
00:22:17I don't think it sucked.
00:22:18It did.
00:22:20Did it?
00:22:21Yeah, all the way through.
00:22:23Where's our PR?
00:22:24No, no, he's gone to get me some fruit.
00:22:26Look.
00:22:28I could be wrong.
00:22:29I don't think I am.
00:22:31But I could be.
00:22:32Let's check out a clip.
00:22:35You have to listen to me, then you are only...
00:22:37Oh.
00:22:39Oh, boo!
00:22:42They're sucking so bad, Vicky!
00:22:44You're not even acting there.
00:22:46I mean, you are acting, but it's so wrong.
00:22:49And sour.
00:22:50You know?
00:22:51No, no, stop the tape.
00:22:53Stop the tape.
00:22:54It's just...
00:22:54That sucks.
00:22:58I just...
00:23:02I just know, if you tried, if everyone tried and, like, gave me everything, we could've
00:23:08got there.
00:23:10It didn't have to be good.
00:23:12You know?
00:23:13I don't need good.
00:23:14I just need it not to fucking suck.
00:23:17Like, all the way through.
00:23:19Can everything stop sucking all the time?
00:23:21Because it's making my life bad.
00:23:24Is that too much to ask?
00:23:26Please!
00:23:28Sorry.
00:23:28We're...
00:23:29We're sorry.
00:23:31That's okay.
00:23:33Join us next time on Boobies Goes For The Films.
00:23:36I've been at Boobies wishing you a decent day.
00:23:39Ah, get in, legend, thanks.
00:23:46Get to work.
00:23:47What a time to be alive, people.
00:23:49My name is Turpin Turpin.
00:23:50Yep.
00:23:51Both my names are Turpin.
00:23:53Great job.
00:23:53Alright.
00:23:54Jan, how we doing?
00:23:55Good.
00:23:55What do we do here?
00:23:56We're all working together to make the internet as bad as we can possibly get it.
00:24:00It's...
00:24:00It's a team effort.
00:24:02I'm Jan, I'm almost 19, and I'm the password manager.
00:24:05Essentially, my job is, just before you enter in a short, memorable password of your own,
00:24:10I come up with a very long and complicated one, once I'll remember it, and I don't.
00:24:15I'm the X-Man.
00:24:17I do all the X's for online adverts.
00:24:19We try and make them smaller than any human finger.
00:24:21Even if you do manage to close it, what does an X even mean?
00:24:23Sometimes it can mean, close this window.
00:24:26Sometimes it can mean, open four more windows.
00:24:29It can matter.
00:24:30I think most people think it's the first one.
00:24:33Most people voted for Hitler.
00:24:37Sorry.
00:24:38I'm online a lot.
00:24:39Don't know what's real.
00:24:40The thing is, is there are websites that no one would ever intentionally visit.
00:24:44You know, no one actually wants to enter the Omaze house drawer.
00:24:48No one is really owed money just to being born between 1995 and 1997.
00:24:52And no one intentionally clicks on family guide porn.
00:24:55Except me.
00:24:57But that's only because of how much I like to look at it.
00:25:00This is good, people. This is good.
00:25:03Woo!
00:25:04My speciality.
00:25:05I'm the guy who moves things at the last second so that people click on the wrong stuff online.
00:25:15Okay, she's about to click, stand by.
00:25:18Standing by.
00:25:24She's hovering.
00:25:27She's hovering.
00:25:30And...
00:25:31Budget.
00:25:36Annoying.
00:25:37Yes!
00:25:40Yes!
00:25:41Yes!
00:25:42Yes!
00:25:42Yes!
00:25:43Yes!
00:25:43That's five seconds, she won't get back.
00:25:47So...
00:25:48We got her.
00:25:53Do you get paid?
00:25:54No.
00:25:55No, no, no.
00:25:57But let me ask you this.
00:25:58Let me ask you this.
00:25:59Do you get paid for your job?
00:26:00Yeah.
00:26:01Yeah.
00:26:12Gosh, 10 hours of labour!
00:26:14Doesn't look like this little man's in a rush.
00:26:16Why is it taking so long?
00:26:18Don't worry, he's just a bit, he's just a bit shy.
00:26:30I think I prefer shy one to be honest
00:26:35I'm dr. Amanda Miller I graduated Harvard summa cum laude my kids are very mean to me
00:26:39but I don't have time to get into that right now
00:26:45I wish that was the case I'm so sorry mrs. Cook but your baby is not shy
00:26:50he's something much more sinister he's pretending to be shy for attention
00:26:59and we need to act fast before it metastasizes
00:27:03but this all seems a bit dramatic
00:27:05unless you want your son to be an adult man who is addicted to cancelling plans let me do my
00:27:11god damn job
00:27:14well wait hang on what what if he's shy around strangers but
00:27:18he lets his guard down around people he trusts um like an introverted extrovert
00:27:23yeah those are essentially a myth most people who make a big deal out of being shy are
00:27:28medically speaking fake ass divas
00:27:31that son of mine's gonna be a fake ass diva
00:27:35I mean look I'm no doctor I'm just a stupid rocket scientist but
00:27:40I think he's genuinely shy okay but like now he's dancing
00:27:55I'm just like why why would a genuinely shy person do that wait he's he's quite good
00:28:02oh my god he is quite good he's not amazing but he's quite good
00:28:08he's got spirit you can tell he's actually enjoying himself
00:28:12hey ho hey ho
00:28:17sister and mrs. Cook this is serious okay an authentically shy person would not pop their
00:28:23puss in this manner
00:28:26oh harry maybe she's right what if her son is giving cringe only claiming to be socially
00:28:34awkward when it suits him and slash them
00:28:37he's sitting in the corner at parties because he gets overwhelmed but then
00:28:42he's the loudest and most abrasive person there by quite some distance
00:28:47the type of bitch to give a presentation at work and make the whole thing about how nervous he is
00:28:51even
00:28:51though it's like girl you volunteered to do this
00:28:55oh no then now he's holding his hands out to show that they're shaking but it's obvious
00:29:00it's him who's making it happen
00:29:04doctor do something grab a leg
00:29:08honey are you the diamond in my wedding ring because you are fake as hell and we can see right
00:29:13through you okay okay well he's dancing again oh god doctor please we just want him
00:29:21out of there safe and sound fine i promised myself i would never do this
00:29:29hey sweetie how are you feeling so um a bunch of us are thinking of doing karaoke
00:29:37stop don't leave without me
00:29:40but i'm literally just gonna watch
00:29:44he's coming he's coming
00:29:45oh oh congratulations he's a nightmare
00:30:05ladies and gentlemen wet leg
00:30:15nice child
00:30:16get out of the way
00:30:18we're in our way
00:30:20you bought him feet up
00:30:22too bad
00:30:23whether you couldn't stay
00:30:26we're in our way
00:30:31you
00:30:32yes
00:30:32ah
00:30:32yes
00:30:43it's company
00:30:44you think i'm pretty cool
00:30:47You wanna fuck me, I know most people do
00:30:50Your tape is back here, you read it, it says March 2
00:30:54I gave you magic beans, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:30:58Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:02I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:05Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:13Good job, give you an A
00:31:16A golden star, you think you're clever
00:31:19Good God, she took a break, made a mistake
00:31:25But she needs ever, can I forever
00:31:31Can I forever, can I forever
00:31:40You think I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty
00:31:44You wanna fuck me, I know most people do
00:31:48Your tape is back here, you read it, it says March 2
00:31:52I gave you magic beans, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:56I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:59Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:32:02I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:32:06I know you're up at night, pushed over your phone line
00:32:13The dream of the hill is crooked from the wind that bites
00:32:21You say you're lost at sea, call the RNA light
00:32:28You're washed up around you, you've been standing in my light
00:32:35You're standing in my light
00:32:39You're standing in my light
00:32:42You're standing in my light
00:32:48You think I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty cool
00:32:52You say I'm scared, I know most people do
00:32:56This is the real world, honey
00:32:58Yeah baby, spider, everything, our business just won't get it through
00:33:03Nice job, now get out of the way
00:33:06Two times, you take a fucking
00:33:09I said I'll be a, you wanna be a, you wanna be a
00:33:13Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:33:17Nice job, now get out of the way
00:33:20You're in our way
00:33:22Qu'est los forever
00:33:55It's Weekend Update, with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young.
00:34:09I'm Paddy Young.
00:34:11And I'm Anya Magliano.
00:34:17Coming up on tonight's Weekend Update, paedophilia.
00:34:20But first, war.
00:34:25Yesterday, in a shock U-turn, Keir Starmer finally gave his consent for President Trump to use British bases to
00:34:31protect the Strait of Hormuz.
00:34:33At which point Trump said, consent? Now you've taken all the fun out of it.
00:34:40As Iranian strikes continue to hit Dubai, the cost of chartering a private jet has risen so high that many
00:34:47influencers have been struggling to flee.
00:34:49To me, I must stress though, it's not all good news.
00:34:57If any influencers are killed, and again, we can only hope they are.
00:35:02At least they'll be easy to identify by their dental records.
00:35:05They're the massive white ones made in Turkey.
00:35:09You've got to feel for them.
00:35:10They went there to evade income tax, and now they have to evade income in a tax.
00:35:15We're now three weeks into the Iran war, which started with the death of one Ayatollah Khomini, and the appointment
00:35:21of another Ayatollah Khomini.
00:35:23Khomini, two, but one's dead now.
00:35:33Not everyone in NATO wants to get involved.
00:35:36German Defence Minister Boris Pistorius said there would be no military participation from Germany.
00:35:41Where was this energy in 1939?
00:35:47Also, is there a more evil name than Boris Pistorius?
00:35:53How do you do the name Saddam Walliams?
00:36:00The head of the Asian Football Confederation said this week that Iran is still set to play at the upcoming
00:36:06World Cup in America.
00:36:08If Iran does take part, America has guaranteed that all of their matches will be refereed by a completely impartial
00:36:15MQ-9 Reaper drone.
00:36:18We all know the supply of oil has been affected by this war, but the Strait of Hormuz is also
00:36:24the primary route for a third of the world's helium.
00:36:26A spokesperson for the helium industry said...
00:36:30LAUGHTER
00:36:37We've run out of helium.
00:36:39LAUGHTER
00:36:46With pressure mounting to secure the Strait of Hormuz and the Royal Navy almost completely out of action,
00:36:53the government have decided to send in the only British naval captain who's ready to go.
00:36:58Please welcome Captain Birdseye!
00:37:01LAUGHTER
00:37:01CHEERING
00:37:05Even me, Hardys!
00:37:08Now, Captain, I think the question a lot of people at home are asking is,
00:37:15why is the government sending a fish finger man to a red-hot war zone?
00:37:20Fish finger man?
00:37:21I am the purveyor of the finest fish fingers in the land.
00:37:25Succulent card fillets and a perfectly crispy golden crumb.
00:37:28Only the best for the captain's table.
00:37:30Fish finger?
00:37:31Captain Birdseye, can I remind you, this is a military operation.
00:37:35Exactly. Preparation. Timing. Control.
00:37:38Six minutes one side, turn.
00:37:41LAUGHTER
00:37:41Six minutes the other.
00:37:43Now, that's what I call a proper fish finger.
00:37:45Fish finger?
00:37:47You're about to be deployed to a ramp.
00:37:49Can you stop banging on about fish fingers?
00:37:51Fine. We also do, uh, chicken dippers, uh, potato waffles,
00:37:56and for some reason, the devil only knows, peas.
00:37:59Captain, there are real lives at stake here.
00:38:02Oh! You want to get real, do you, you scurvy little deck rat?
00:38:07All right, answer me this.
00:38:09You think I've spent the last five decades
00:38:11sailing around in a 150-foot schooner
00:38:14with 300 singing children
00:38:16just to sell fish fingers, do ye?
00:38:18I'm sorry, did you say 300 singing children?
00:38:20Because I'll tell you what's real.
00:38:23You bilge-drinking haddock.
00:38:25What's real is the nation's favourite fish fingers
00:38:28are just a cover for my actual work.
00:38:30Special Forces black-up savagery
00:38:32that would haunt your dreams.
00:38:34What's real is opening up a Serbian mercenary's neck
00:38:38with a machete.
00:38:39Watching it yawn open, hot and steaming,
00:38:42like a split-fish finger.
00:38:44This is insane.
00:38:46Insane?
00:38:47I'll show you insane.
00:38:50Are those human fingers?
00:38:52Only the best for the captain's table.
00:38:56Captain Banzai, everyone!
00:38:57Another news for Harold!
00:39:05Renovations to Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's new home,
00:39:08Marsh Farm,
00:39:08have been taking place over the last month,
00:39:11including the installation of Sky TV.
00:39:14So, if you're watching, Andrew,
00:39:16hello!
00:39:17You're not gonna like this next bit.
00:39:20Also, I'm older than I look.
00:39:28Andrew's new residence, Marsh Farm,
00:39:30is of course named after the nearby marsh
00:39:32where his body will be found.
00:39:38It was reported this week
00:39:39that the police investigation into Andrew
00:39:41is set to widen.
00:39:43The big question now is,
00:39:44if Andrew is charged, found guilty,
00:39:46and put in prison,
00:39:47will he be able to keep his mouth shut?
00:39:49I hope not, said his cellmate's penis.
00:39:59Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch
00:40:01told Times Radio
00:40:02that she would confront a shoplifter
00:40:05if they were, quote,
00:40:06not too big.
00:40:08So, rest assured,
00:40:09if you shoplift and Kemi does try to stop you,
00:40:12it means she thinks you're skinny.
00:40:16In showbiz news,
00:40:17feuding father and son David and Brooklyn Beckham
00:40:20narrowly miss each other
00:40:21whilst at the same Beverly Hills Hotel.
00:40:23The feud began when Victoria was, quote,
00:40:26inappropriately close with her son at his wedding
00:40:28and escalated after Brooklyn accidentally yelled out
00:40:31his wife's name during sex with his mum.
00:40:43The award-winning TV series
00:40:45It's a Sin
00:40:46is set to be adapted for the stage
00:40:48as a dance show,
00:40:49as if a TV show about the AIDS crisis
00:40:52could get any gayer.
00:40:57Tonight, the K-pop band BTS
00:40:59are launching their new world tour.
00:41:01My worry is,
00:41:02with 82 dates across 23 countries,
00:41:05the stress of the tour
00:41:06is going to put a strain
00:41:07on Jimin and V's soulmate relationship.
00:41:10Sure, J-Hope nurtures sugar's inner child,
00:41:12but will Jimin's teasing of sugar
00:41:14make V jealous?
00:41:15And can RM give enough skin chip
00:41:17to baby Jungkook
00:41:17while melting at J-Hope's laugh?
00:41:19Will his dimples still be popping
00:41:21at Jimin's cuteness
00:41:21after an 82-date tour?
00:41:24No idea.
00:41:26I'm not really that into BTS.
00:41:29For a weekend update,
00:41:30I'm Manny Magliano.
00:41:31And I'm Paddy Young.
00:41:32Goodbye!
00:41:32I'm Sean Bogdan!
00:41:40I'm Sean Bogdan!
00:42:02I'm T-Ref.
00:42:11Please be safe in London, Will
00:42:14Nay, worry not, wife
00:42:16I will be nothing but safe
00:42:18For all I will think of is returning to thee
00:42:21And our boy, Hamnet
00:42:25What about our daughters?
00:42:27I must away
00:42:28My production of The Tempest begins anon
00:42:34Adieu
00:42:49Tempest was a hit
00:42:53Methinks I might write another of these plays
00:42:58Will, thou art returned
00:43:00Did I not tell thee I would
00:43:02But hast thou nothing to say?
00:43:06I have sorely missed thee
00:43:08Likewise, my dear wife, likewise
00:43:10But dost thou not think I appear chinged?
00:43:17Tis hard to fix mine eyes on anything
00:43:20For the blood that doth course in mine veins
00:43:22On the sweet return of thee to me
00:43:24Ye really look at me, though
00:43:29What vexes thee?
00:43:31I've got a cunty little earring
00:43:38That's all it is
00:43:39The hour is upon me
00:43:40I must to London
00:43:42My staging of Macbeth awaiteth
00:43:47Farewell, Will
00:43:48I will wait upon thy return
00:44:06William
00:44:07Thou art returned
00:44:11Good day, wife
00:44:12Good day, Hamnet
00:44:20Will
00:44:22How London hath changed thee
00:44:25Come, wife
00:44:26Let me sit
00:44:27And put me fate up
00:44:31What art thou wearing?
00:44:33Oh
00:44:33Dost like it
00:44:36Tis me slutty little chain
00:44:42Tis all the rage in London
00:44:45I must to London
00:44:49My next staging awaits
00:44:52Henry IV, part 2
00:44:54Henry V
00:44:58Let not London change thee too much
00:45:16You don't call them and have returned it
00:45:22Pulse
00:45:26Hey, family
00:45:31Will
00:45:32Mine eyes do not recognise thee
00:45:35Girl
00:45:36Tis me bitch
00:45:39Will, thou art a different man
00:45:41Peace, wife
00:45:42I be you, Shakespeare
00:45:44The remix be Troy Savan
00:45:49Tis not thee, Will
00:45:50Tis so, bitch
00:45:53Thou art in Stratford-upon-Avon
00:45:55And I've been in London
00:45:56Upon Ketamine
00:45:59I'm like Charlie XCX
00:46:01Sorry
00:46:02Charlie 10 110
00:46:08I'm in my glow era
00:46:09I'm in my glow up era, honey
00:46:13What's that era?
00:46:14We are in one, bitch
00:46:16Mine
00:46:20My wife, I bring gifts
00:46:21This is called a tote bag
00:46:25I want that not
00:46:31Wig, my girl
00:46:33Thou'st look cunty for sure
00:46:37What does the C word mean?
00:46:40Hmm
00:46:40Methinks I can't explain
00:46:42It's not a bad word
00:46:44It's a good thing
00:46:45A great thing
00:46:46It's bleached brows
00:46:48It's the cast of Desperate Housewives
00:46:52It's cabin crew
00:46:53Bald head on a woman
00:46:54The Elizabeth line
00:46:56A thin woman eating a big plate of meat
00:46:58It is as the riddles play upon thy tongue
00:47:01Thou art just gagged
00:47:07Hamlets ate the powder within your coin purse
00:47:18He'll be fine
00:47:20Tis but a K-hole
00:47:22And you know what hitteth hard in the hole?
00:47:25Rihanna, bitch
00:47:25Ch'a
00:47:50You've seen the film
00:47:51you've heard the musical now experience the experience
00:47:58the live paddington bear experience this is so exciting we can't believe we're actually going
00:48:05to meet paddington aren't we we brought marmalade sandwiches it's claren pentu and we got bands
00:48:12from magic mike and liz kept groping magic mike watch out paddington i can't wait to meet that
00:48:20little bear welcome to 32 windsor gardens at london's most immersive experience get closer
00:48:32to paddington than ever before now who here would like to meet a very rare sort of bear
00:48:41janet open the cage a place where memories last forever
00:48:53haddington
00:49:06why did we hire a real bear well i know we wanted to hire the little actress from the musical
00:49:15but she
00:49:16wanted too much money and i had seen the bear in something he was amazing what was it
00:49:29the zoo i had seen him at the zoo
00:49:34that was amazing yeah well i've lost half my face
00:49:40none of that happened in the films that was a lot more blood than i thought there'd be
00:49:46and at paddington's photo booth we'll be sure to capture all of the magic
00:49:51well i was actually on a terrible date but let's just say i didn't need to ask for angela
00:49:56i asked for paddington the guardian calls it truly unforgettable
00:50:03they said he likes marmalade he doesn't like marmalade he likes human hands
00:50:11i've always thought that three kids was a bit too many and now i've got the optimum amount
00:50:19none the sage says inarguably immersive do i have any regrets
00:50:26in retrospect maybe hot glue gunning the hat to the bear's head may have made it more angry
00:50:34i'm taking it to broadway regardless the live paddington bear experience
00:50:39book before june 25th and get a free tetanus jab
00:50:42book before june 25th and get another they've had to stay here
00:50:46book before june 25th and get an Porsches
00:51:12book before june 25th at midnight
00:51:12book by
00:51:12book by
00:51:12Can you catch a medicine ball?
00:51:16Can you catch yourself when you fall?
00:51:19You should be careful, do you catch my drift?
00:51:23Cause what I really want to know is can you catch these fists?
00:51:27Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down.
00:51:34Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:51:39Level up.
00:51:40I know I'll do well just with your life.
00:51:47I don't want your love, I just want to fight.
00:51:58We're on our way to the club.
00:52:02Stupid is, stupid does.
00:52:05When we seem wracking up ketamine.
00:52:11Giddy up.
00:52:13Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down.
00:52:20Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:52:25Level up.
00:52:26I know I'm too well, just look real high
00:52:34I don't want your love, I just wanna fight
00:52:44We don't get pussy, get the boo
00:52:46I saw him sipping on dog food
00:52:48This always happens late at night
00:52:50Some guy comes up, says I'm his type
00:52:51I just threw up in my mouth when he just tried to ask me out
00:52:55Don't approach me, I just wanna dance with my face
00:52:58Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down
00:53:05Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:53:11I know I'm too well, just look real high
00:53:19I don't want your love, I just wanna fight
00:53:26I know I'm too well, just look real high
00:53:33I don't want your love, I just wanna fight
00:53:37I don't want your love, I just wanna fight
00:53:48I don't want your love, I just wanna fight
00:54:25Four things, thank you.
00:54:36Oh, Jane, look at you. Divorced, saggy, alone. What a sad little life, Jane.
00:54:46Fancy bra fitting?
00:54:49Um, sure. Yeah, I've actually lost a ton of weight.
00:54:53Oh, good for you.
00:54:54Due to immense stress. I have a bad life.
00:54:58I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I'm just going to do it around your top, okay?
00:55:01So, uh, here we go. We've got the middle. That's 38 inches, so, yeah, that's quite wide.
00:55:08And cup size, that's a B, so it's small.
00:55:13You're not happy with that?
00:55:15Oh, 38 B, that's not exactly a sexy bra size. Feels kind of schlubby.
00:55:21Oh.
00:55:22Would you like me to zhuzh?
00:55:25Huh?
00:55:27Zhuzh it up a bit for the surrounds.
00:55:30What does that mean?
00:55:31A zhuzh for the surrounds.
00:55:34Right, okay.
00:55:36So I come back in, and I zhuzh, right?
00:55:39I very loudly make a point of how big your bra size is.
00:55:43Lays out there don't know what you're really measured as.
00:55:47Wink, wink.
00:55:48Is that a British thing?
00:55:50It is a thing.
00:55:52Do you want to give it a go? It is a free service.
00:55:56Sure.
00:55:57Won't be long, ladies. I'm just doing a fitting.
00:55:59Oh, my goodness.
00:56:01Oh, my goodness.
00:56:02Wow.
00:56:03These are going to measure up nicely.
00:56:06So we're going to start with the width.
00:56:08Very petite.
00:56:10But your cup size is...
00:56:13Big?
00:56:13Big cup size, right?
00:56:15Oh, crikey.
00:56:17Yeah, they've got a real weight to them.
00:56:19Oh, fantastic.
00:56:21In fact, I'm surprised...
00:56:23You don't topple over.
00:56:24You don't topple over.
00:56:26With a great big rack like that, my bit.
00:56:29Oh, four.
00:56:31You nearly poked my eye out.
00:56:34Hey, you've heard of Pinocchio.
00:56:36Well, you're like that, but the nose is big, lovely bazoombas.
00:56:41Is that okay?
00:56:42Yeah, that's good.
00:56:44So, I'm happy to tell you.
00:56:46What size would you like, darling?
00:56:47Like, big, but keep it classy.
00:56:49Like, double D is good.
00:56:49Oh, no, we're going bigger than that.
00:56:52You're a gorgeous, petite and perky 28G.
00:56:58What an absolute pair.
00:57:01How's that feel?
00:57:03I feel amazing.
00:57:06Thank you so much, Miss...
00:57:08Juggs.
00:57:09They call me Juggs.
00:57:13Right.
00:57:14There you go.
00:57:17Put these back on the rack, Jackie.
00:57:20They were sold far too small for this customer's great big buzies.
00:57:26Lovely tits you got there, miss.
00:57:30Juggs, wait.
00:57:33Is there anything else that you could judge for me?
00:57:36Like, for the surrounds?
00:57:38My 2026 is kind of rough.
00:57:41Like, basically, I was responsible for editing this British film award ceremony.
00:57:49Let's just say I did not get it right.
00:57:53It's a judge for the surrounds, darling.
00:57:56Not for the soul.
00:57:58But you'll be all right with those great big wicked knockers.
00:58:04Uh, excuse me.
00:58:08Reggie, Jean-Page, what are you doing in the women's changing rooms?
00:58:12Oh, it's a long and sexy story.
00:58:16Listen, I don't usually do this, but can I buy you a drink?
00:58:19On the fifth floor, next to the baby clothes and electricals.
00:58:24Sure, I could do that.
00:58:29Thanks for changing my life.
00:58:35Tiny little kids.
00:58:37They were small.
00:58:38Those tricks were small.
00:58:4244 seconds with four hikers.
00:58:52What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:58:55What kind of Irish is your gramps?
00:58:59Is it this?
00:58:59Come here to me.
00:59:00Which one of you little garbs shows through a heap of films on my window?
00:59:03You've got to tell me.
00:59:04Because I know you're dying, I know you're dying, I know you're dying.
00:59:08What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:11Is it this?
00:59:12So that's a picture of me back in 82 on the 12th of the King William Lodge.
00:59:16And I think I want a ballad shirt and a death print.
00:59:18What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:21Is it this?
00:59:22I'll bring them round the back.
00:59:23I'll put four new shoes on and don't worry about it.
00:59:25If I'm a grand man full of shoes, I'll lift the shot of any man's back.
00:59:28Bastard.
00:59:29What kind of Irish is your granddad?
01:00:01Is it this?
01:00:01well Nicola Coughlin from the dairy girls no it's um it's dairy girl it
01:00:09doesn't matter Nicola Coughlin none of this is real good night God bless love
01:00:15you
01:00:31Michael Sarah Graham Norton Reggie Jean Cage and a huge thank you to the cast and writers and everyone for
01:00:39welcoming me here and making such a great week
01:00:42congratulations SNL UK's boys
01:01:10thank you
01:01:51thank you
01:02:01thank you
01:02:01thank you
01:02:02thank you
01:02:02thank you
01:02:04You
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