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Short filmTranscript
00:00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:44Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:11Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:31Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:32destroyed why too generous no no no my lord it's only at this level if the
00:01:38campaign is successful which it will be my lord no need to lube of my machinery
00:01:52as I was saying with your support and these perks they're on the left sir
00:01:58these perks we shall have a fully operational weapon of planetary
00:02:03destruction but it can only happen with your support and enthusiasm excuse me
00:02:09Dark Lord of the Sith but our voluntary support and enthusiasm on a mass scale
00:02:15have never been your strong suit have they I mean are you going to throttle each
00:02:21person personally who's watching this video yes carry on
00:02:38Lord Vader excuse me again you're doing a fantastic job well don't tell me while
00:02:43I'm recording it I know I'm doing a good job I'm the fucking architect of this plan
00:02:48yes my lord the the problem is if you ensure the destruction of the donators
00:02:53homeworld won't you be de-incentivizing the very crowd you wish to engage
00:02:58what well if the campaign is successful there won't be a crowd to engage I'm
00:03:04certain I don't see a problem with my crowdsourcing plan for a new Death Star
00:03:09it's just that look sir at the 20 credit level you promised the holographic video
00:03:14updates to the backers of the Death Star
00:03:16you mean we have to give them all the perks from the 20 credit underling level
00:03:21on down yes that's how the crowdfunding perks work sir they get everything you
00:03:27promised up to the level they donated which means that there won't be anyone
00:03:31to get the custom additional content holographic video updates if you've
00:03:35blown their planet into space dust at the 10 credit level I certainly hope
00:03:39Tatooine donates that's not the point my lord I don't like Tatooine
00:03:43where's that buckthorn bark tea you promised me I shall have it for you in a
00:03:47parsec it's good for my colon I've often wondered how you managed it in the
00:03:57outfit it's a sealed system admiral so you mean this whole time you've been
00:04:16the point is lord vader for your crowdsourcing campaign the upper level perks we worked so
00:04:21hard on would be useless sir well admiral I do see your point terrific there will be less admin if
00:04:29they
00:04:29do don't that's true sir and you wouldn't have to do the video updates
00:04:36most impressive true but perhaps maybe I'm just floating an idea here maybe you
00:04:44could not tell them that you'll blow up their planet until they donate and then
00:04:51blow the planet up after we've built the new Death Star not tell them yes it's not
00:05:00very honest well I didn't think that would be a sticking point for you tread
00:05:04lightly admiral nod the integrity of a dark lord of the sith is unassailable as it
00:05:10should be lord vader if I may your sithiness um the bigger picture here is
00:05:17getting the bloody money obviously I can't get anyone legitimate to finance
00:05:22another Death Star since the first one was blown up by my own son's one simple
00:05:27torpedo it's not an easy sell well that's all well and good sir but I wasn't all
00:05:33that good he blew the thing up but I'm just trying to avoid any sort of you know
00:05:39negative connotation around this latest Death Star while we're trying to raise
00:05:44money you do understand Lord Vader negative connotation is what we do
00:05:49Admiral we're an empire not an interstellar rotary club if you want to
00:05:54save some kid with tufts of hair falling out of his head that's me don't make me
00:06:00take this helmet off we're not building a stupid app we're building a beautiful
00:06:04Darth Star for Pete's sake excuse me Lord Vader you just said Darth Star instead of Death Star
00:06:15hardly Freudian at all you've written Darth Star all through there
00:06:23Darth Star Darth Star Darth Star Darth Star Darth Star
00:06:49ah Lord Vader I I know that we are considerably short of your goal of a
00:06:54hundred and thirty quadrillion credits to build the new Death Star I understand all
00:07:00All too well, Admiral.
00:07:02I understand you're as annoying as that step-and-fetch-it rabbit
00:07:06that nearly destroyed everything during the Clone Wars.
00:07:08Sir, if I may, I think you might be projecting just a bit onto me your frustration.
00:07:13What do you mean?
00:07:15I mean, comparing me to Jar Jar Biggs, that's sort of a low blow.
00:07:19I mean, he's all sort of prat-folly and stupid.
00:07:23Well, I've good diction.
00:07:25I mean, Mr. Horny, Mr. Master, that's not me.
00:07:29I mean, after all, we've been through, sir.
00:07:31Where's that tea you promised a parsec to go?
00:07:34A parsec is actually a measure of distance, not time.
00:07:37Hardly important when you don't have tea.
00:07:42Quite right, my lord.
00:07:44Your buckthornbark tea.
00:07:47For your closed system.
00:08:18Lord Vader, I know you're disappointed by the lack of uptake on the crowdsourcing campaign for the new Death Star.
00:08:24Yes, Admiral, what's the latest report?
00:08:27Well, we are still holding at the six credits, my lord.
00:08:34And how long have we waged this campaign?
00:08:37Over a month.
00:08:39Maybe the whole ten credits get your planet destroyed may have put a bit of a damper on the contributions
00:08:46and sort of kept us at that sort of six-ish level.
00:08:50Who would do that?
00:08:51Six credits doesn't even give you one of the perks.
00:08:54Well, the donations were from one Boba Fett who wished to remain anonymous.
00:09:00Everyone knows he's Boba Fett.
00:09:02What's the point of a mask when everyone knows it's him?
00:09:06Anonymous bullshit.
00:09:07Yes.
00:09:08What?
00:09:08Nothing.
00:09:09Nothing, my lord.
00:09:11Hmm.
00:09:13Hmm.
00:09:13Hmm.
00:09:16Hmm.
00:09:17Hmm.
00:09:22Okay, this is probably going to end up looking like one of those paranormal activity videos.
00:09:26But I want to be able to capture the moment without her seeing the cameras.
00:09:30Now, Kim's going to be home any minute now.
00:09:33And I'll set up the Ouija board.
00:09:36I don't believe in those things at all.
00:09:38I just kind of, you know, move it around because it makes her happy.
00:09:42Anyway, I'm going to ask the board an important question about us and then BAM!
00:09:47Oh, oh, she's here.
00:09:48She's home.
00:09:49She's home from work.
00:09:50She's home from work.
00:09:51I'm going to go out back and then I'm going to come in the front door like I've never been
00:09:53here before.
00:09:53I mean, I mean, today.
00:10:01Oh, my God.
00:10:02Okay, you were right.
00:10:04Scott's going to propose today.
00:10:05I found the ring this morning and then today he called me at my work and he's got this weird
00:10:08elaborate plan with the Ouija board.
00:10:10I don't know.
00:10:11I guess he's going to use that to propose.
00:10:13And yes, I am well aware that it's Scott pushing it around the Ouija board.
00:10:16But come on, I actually just play along because it makes him happy.
00:10:22Oh, my God.
00:10:22Okay, he's here.
00:10:23Gotta go.
00:10:23Bye, bye, bye.
00:10:26I'm home.
00:10:30Hi, honey.
00:10:31Hi.
00:10:32What are you doing?
00:10:33Ah, well, let's get some vino.
00:10:50Cheers.
00:10:50Cheers, my love.
00:10:53Hmm.
00:10:54Okay.
00:10:56Is there anyone here?
00:10:59Oh, yeah.
00:11:00Responsive.
00:11:01Certainly.
00:11:05Is there anything you want to tell us?
00:11:08Oh, very responsive.
00:11:09S.
00:11:21Mm-hmm.
00:11:33Scott wants to kill you.
00:11:35Scott wants to kill you.
00:11:37You want to kill me?
00:11:39No.
00:11:40You want to kill me?
00:11:43Yes.
00:11:45Yes.
00:11:45Why can't you just say it?
00:11:46Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:11:50You want to kill me?
00:11:52No.
00:11:53Yes.
00:11:54No.
00:11:55Will you stop messing with this?
00:11:57This is coming from the heart.
00:11:58Okay, hold on.
00:12:00Let's all just calm down.
00:12:02Okay.
00:12:02Sorry.
00:12:03All right.
00:12:03Now, oh, mystical creature in the room.
00:12:10Okay, what is it that Scott really wants to say to me right now?
00:12:14Okay, now, here we go.
00:12:17Oh, here we go.
00:12:19Scott, I'm going to assume it's Scott because it knows your name already.
00:12:23Okay.
00:12:24It does, Scott.
00:12:25Want, once again.
00:12:29You to be headed.
00:12:40That's not even a complete sentence.
00:12:42What?
00:12:43I am not moving this.
00:12:45Baby.
00:12:45What?
00:12:46Is this why you sleep with knives?
00:12:48No.
00:12:51Yes?
00:12:53No.
00:12:55Okay, what?
00:12:59No.
00:13:03Are you telling me the truth?
00:13:05Yes.
00:13:08Really?
00:13:09Now you're quiet.
00:13:11You think you're so smart.
00:13:13Okay, whoa.
00:13:14Why are you talking to me this way?
00:13:15I am only reading the words that you're spelling out.
00:13:18No, no, no.
00:13:18Okay, fine.
00:13:19This is back in the middle.
00:13:20Okay.
00:13:22Scott?
00:13:23Yeah.
00:13:23I have something that I want to ask you.
00:13:26You do, Scott?
00:13:27Yeah.
00:13:27What is it?
00:13:31Will you murder yourself on the cross of Satan?
00:13:47No, I don't know.
00:13:48No, that's it.
00:13:49No.
00:13:49That wasn't...
00:13:50You know what?
00:13:50I've got to go pee.
00:13:51And I'm taking my candles with me and my...
00:13:55But I don't know how to spell martyr.
00:14:00T-T-E-E-E.
00:14:04Nice.
00:14:05Look, will you stop telling her that I want to ritually kill her?
00:14:08I want to marry her, all right?
00:14:10No, no.
00:14:12Will you stop it?
00:14:13K-I-L-L.
00:14:16Kill.
00:14:17Kill.
00:14:18Kill.
00:14:18Kill.
00:14:19Kill.
00:14:20Kill.
00:14:20I'm not faking it.
00:14:22Oh, I believe you.
00:14:25Look, you are not helping your case.
00:14:32I swear, I'm not faking it.
00:14:40California knows how to pun.
00:14:45Oh, super.
00:15:00Now, they said to use a secret knot.
00:15:03Secret knot?
00:15:04What's the secret knot?
00:15:04Why a secret knot?
00:15:05Is it one, two, and three?
00:15:08Or do you want to just do one, two, three?
00:15:11We could do that.
00:15:12We could do that.
00:15:18Oh, hey.
00:15:19Hi.
00:15:19Who are you talking to?
00:15:21Quiet in here.
00:15:23Oh.
00:15:25Clearly, they want privacy.
00:15:28Because it is dark.
00:15:30I'm going to...
00:15:31Yeah.
00:15:32I just got to adjust...
00:15:33Is that you?
00:15:34Wait, it is.
00:15:35Wait.
00:15:36No, that's you.
00:15:37That's you.
00:15:38That's you.
00:15:38Oh.
00:15:39Oh, that's you.
00:15:40That's you.
00:15:42Shhh.
00:15:43So how does this come into play at the party?
00:15:46I don't know how the swing comes into play, to be honest.
00:15:48But you know what?
00:15:49I do know I fit on it.
00:15:50I know you do.
00:15:51That's where the splinters came.
00:15:52Whoa.
00:15:54Remember there?
00:15:54Thanks for sucking those splinters out.
00:15:57You know you can get poison from splinters.
00:15:58I've heard that.
00:15:59Yeah, from me.
00:16:00You saved my life.
00:16:01Yeah, a couple times.
00:16:02Okay.
00:16:03Um, honey.
00:16:05Uh-huh.
00:16:06I think we may have misunderstood the invitation.
00:16:09Why?
00:16:11Uh, do you see that?
00:16:13Oh, my God.
00:16:15Do you see that?
00:16:18What?
00:16:19What?
00:16:21No, don't look.
00:16:22No, I'm not looking.
00:16:23I'm looking.
00:16:23I'm looking.
00:16:23I'm looking.
00:16:23I'm looking.
00:16:24I'm looking.
00:16:24What?
00:16:26Oh, my fuck.
00:16:28Hi.
00:16:29Don't know.
00:16:31Until now.
00:16:32Whoa.
00:16:33I haven't seen that in person.
00:16:36Isn't that page 48 or something?
00:16:40Um, you know what?
00:16:41What?
00:16:42One thing does bother me here.
00:16:43What?
00:16:44Downstairs, why did they make me pay and you get in for free?
00:16:47Why is that?
00:16:48I mean, that seems really sexist.
00:16:50I'm sorry, what?
00:16:51Hmm?
00:16:52Oh!
00:16:52Oh, yeah, of course.
00:16:53Yeah, somebody's in here.
00:16:55Yeah, you can...
00:16:55Here, honey, let me get that for you.
00:16:57Okay, sweet.
00:16:59Here.
00:16:59My, um...
00:17:00Here you go.
00:17:01My...
00:17:01Thanks.
00:17:02Back?
00:17:02Yeah, go.
00:17:03Oh, sure, sure.
00:17:10Um, okay.
00:17:13Sure.
00:17:14What are you doing?
00:17:17What are you...
00:17:20There you go.
00:17:21There you go.
00:17:23It's kind of cold in here.
00:17:25Could cut glass with these things.
00:17:28I've never noticed that about you before.
00:17:29No?
00:17:33Window sill.
00:17:34Ah, yeah.
00:17:35Mm-hmm.
00:17:36I'm liking that.
00:17:38I'm sorry, what?
00:17:40Um, I'm not wearing a bra.
00:17:45I'm not...
00:17:46You can tell by the...
00:17:48Kim!
00:17:49What are you doing?
00:17:51Winning rum.
00:17:52Oh, it's very Roman in here.
00:17:55I'm, uh...
00:17:56It actually is.
00:17:57Parthenon here.
00:17:59Mm.
00:18:01Ha ha ha ha!
00:18:03What?
00:18:04Wow.
00:18:05Um...
00:18:06Oh!
00:18:07Okay, fine.
00:18:07Yeah, I can do that.
00:18:10Yeah, that's fine.
00:18:11That's good.
00:18:15There you go.
00:18:17Ha ha!
00:18:19Yeah.
00:18:20Yeah.
00:18:22Oh, the...
00:18:24Oh!
00:18:24Oh, yeah, um...
00:18:26I can do that.
00:18:27I got that.
00:18:28Excuse me.
00:18:29Your tube sucks?
00:18:31Yeah.
00:18:33His tube sucks?
00:18:35Yeah.
00:18:36Can I, uh...
00:18:38Can I keep just the one?
00:18:43Okay, well, now you just look ridiculous.
00:18:47Sorry.
00:18:47We're really...
00:18:49Sorry.
00:18:50You can take that.
00:18:54Where's she going?
00:18:55Aren't we supposed to tip the cook, Chester?
00:18:56Excuse us.
00:18:56Our clothes.
00:18:57Where'd she...
00:18:58Uh...
00:18:59We're supposed to tip her, right?
00:19:00Yeah.
00:19:00Actually, I don't know...
00:19:02You don't have any...
00:19:03Yeah.
00:19:03...where to keep a tip.
00:19:05I don't know if you noticed, but all I have left is the tip.
00:19:09Let's just keep walking.
00:19:11Oh!
00:19:12I wanted to say this in the elevator earlier, but...
00:19:14You look really good to me.
00:19:18Oh, I can tell that you think I look really good tonight.
00:19:21In fact, there's a growing number of members here who could probably tell that you think
00:19:26I look really good tonight.
00:19:28Well, yeah.
00:19:30Thank you, by the way.
00:19:31Oh, you're welcome.
00:19:32That's quite a compliment.
00:19:33Yeah.
00:19:33Do you think they have snacks?
00:19:35Um, well, those aren't finger foods, but there's definitely some delicious snacking going
00:19:41on over there and over there.
00:19:46Okay.
00:19:47What?
00:19:47Let's just find Reverend Smith who invited us to a Swinger's party!
00:19:54Okay, put that away!
00:19:58Later.
00:19:58Later.
00:19:59Okay.
00:19:59Not really?
00:20:00Later?
00:20:00Yeah.
00:20:01Oh, yeah.
00:20:02No, no, seriously.
00:20:03That's fine.
00:20:03Reverend Smith would just kind of make a graceful exit, like give an excuse.
00:20:06Absolutely.
00:20:06Whatever you want to do.
00:20:07Okay.
00:20:08Why would Reverend Smith invite us to a Swinger's party?
00:20:11He can't...
00:20:11Sorry.
00:20:11Sorry.
00:20:12Whoa.
00:20:12Can you see that?
00:20:13And the marshmallow.
00:20:15Mm.
00:20:16Squishy.
00:20:16Oh, thank you.
00:20:17Hi, how are you?
00:20:18Great.
00:20:19You're fine.
00:20:19What reason?
00:20:20Um, why would he invite us?
00:20:21I mean, he's married.
00:20:22He can't be a Swinger.
00:20:23What?
00:20:24I mean, baby.
00:20:24What?
00:20:25That's the purpose of like a Swinger's party. It's where like married people come and then
00:20:30they...
00:20:30They come?
00:20:32They probably do!
00:20:34Okay, I can see...
00:20:35Oh, you're right.
00:20:35Gross!
00:20:36Don't go!
00:20:37No!
00:20:37Wow, this is like a Gallagher concert.
00:20:40Yeah!
00:20:41No, because you don't know why they do that.
00:20:42Why do they do this?
00:20:43No, because they show up.
00:20:44Why did he invite us?
00:20:44He's married.
00:20:45Show up.
00:20:46What?
00:20:46And then they swap partners with another couple.
00:20:49Or couples.
00:20:51Wait a minute.
00:20:52I don't...
00:20:52I don't know if we're gonna have sex.
00:20:54I just thought it would be like you and me.
00:20:57What?
00:20:58Baby, that's not called Swinging.
00:21:00That's...
00:21:00Oh.
00:21:01That's just called...
00:21:07Wait, whoa.
00:21:07Whoa.
00:21:08Is that...
00:21:09Is that Reverend Smith over there?
00:21:11I've actually never seen him from that angle.
00:21:14Wanna go over there?
00:21:16You know I do.
00:21:18Sure, we can do that.
00:21:19Yeah.
00:21:20Purely from anthropological standpoint.
00:21:23Yes, of course.
00:21:23But let's go.
00:21:24Come on, come on, let's go.
00:21:25It's like a wild kingdom in here.
00:21:27Hey, sorry.
00:21:27Oh!
00:21:28Whoa.
00:21:29That is our grocer.
00:21:31Right there.
00:21:32He touches our produce.
00:21:35I know.
00:21:35Ah, hi.
00:21:36Hi, Mr. Wang.
00:21:37How are you?
00:21:37Hi.
00:21:38Nope, nope.
00:21:39Won't shake hands.
00:21:39Or that.
00:21:40Neither will Kim.
00:21:42Yeah, no, we're fine.
00:21:43We're good.
00:21:43Nice to see...
00:21:44How are the kids?
00:21:45Good?
00:21:45Yeah, they're doing well in school, are they?
00:21:47The rash is clearing up.
00:21:49That's good to know.
00:21:50I think he wanted to touch my produce.
00:21:52I think so, too.
00:21:54Go!
00:21:55I'm trying to investigate print.
00:21:57Oh, my God, yeah.
00:21:58Look at this.
00:21:59You feel that?
00:22:01Mm-hmm.
00:22:01I'm like a swing club star.
00:22:03Break me off.
00:22:12Where did the third girl go?
00:22:19Apparently, she goes right...
00:22:21There.
00:22:22There.
00:22:25And...
00:22:26Oh, hi.
00:22:27Oh, yeah, sorry.
00:22:28What's up?
00:22:29Sure.
00:22:31Do I want a single-used lube?
00:22:34What the...
00:22:35Who used it?
00:22:36Why...
00:22:37Why...
00:22:38Oh, I'm sorry.
00:22:39What?
00:22:40Oh, a single-used...
00:22:42Of course.
00:22:43Lube.
00:22:44Woo!
00:22:45It scared me.
00:22:46We can use it.
00:22:47Um, vanilla?
00:22:48How about vanilla?
00:22:49No.
00:22:49No.
00:22:50Okay, how about strawberry?
00:22:51No, I'm not very sure.
00:22:53I like mango.
00:22:54But we did mango the other night, so...
00:22:56How about almond butter?
00:22:59No, because almond's gritty.
00:23:00Oh, it is gritty.
00:23:01Yeah.
00:23:02Bacon?
00:23:04Um...
00:23:04It's good for pork-in.
00:23:06Bacon?
00:23:08Bacon's for breakfast!
00:23:10So are you!
00:23:11That was a joke.
00:23:12Yeah, no, not funny.
00:23:13We're gonna do it before breakfast.
00:23:15Um...
00:23:16Lingenberry?
00:23:20Lingenberry!
00:23:20We've been talking about Lingenberry because I was thinking...
00:23:23That's fine.
00:23:23You know what?
00:23:24Yeah, thank you.
00:23:24Thanks.
00:23:25Okay, bye-bye.
00:23:26Do you have to pay for...
00:23:27Wait.
00:23:28Where'd she go?
00:23:28Where'd she go?
00:23:29I don't know.
00:23:30Oh!
00:23:32It's behind the door.
00:23:34Gee, shut that door fast.
00:23:37Okay, here's what I want to know.
00:23:39What?
00:23:39What?
00:23:40How come all of these people get to wear masks?
00:23:43Because I want a mask.
00:23:44Okay, whatever you want, I get.
00:23:47And Lingenberry.
00:23:48I want a mask.
00:23:49You know, to get the mask, you have to be on one of these prostitats.
00:23:53Looks like a fur face shield thing.
00:23:55No.
00:23:56No.
00:23:56Well, that man's face is busy.
00:23:58You go grab those.
00:24:03Don't lose them!
00:24:04I didn't know.
00:24:05No, you're going to have to wash your hands before you touch me.
00:24:08That's true.
00:24:10However...
00:24:11I so wanted to...
00:24:12Get the mask!
00:24:12Yeah.
00:24:15I got you a big one.
00:24:17I've heard that about you.
00:24:19Yeah.
00:24:20Now, why did we pay for this?
00:24:22I mean, we can do this in our bedroom.
00:24:25Yeah.
00:24:27We did pay, come on.
00:24:28Yeah, let's do it.
00:24:53What do you want for dinner?
00:24:55Hmm.
00:24:56I was thinking about that.
00:24:57Yeah?
00:24:57Yep.
00:24:58But I have decided that today is all about you, Scott.
00:25:02It's your day.
00:25:03Oh, you're cool.
00:25:04Anywhere you want to go.
00:25:05Whatever's fine with me.
00:25:06Okay.
00:25:08How about Casa de Fruta?
00:25:10Oh, God.
00:25:11No.
00:25:11Anywhere but there.
00:25:12Seriously.
00:25:12Hate that place.
00:25:14Uh, Kim, you just said anywhere's fine.
00:25:17Well, yeah.
00:25:17Whatever's fine.
00:25:18But not that place, obviously.
00:25:21Duh.
00:25:22Jeez.
00:25:23How long do we even know each other?
00:25:25Look.
00:25:26We went there together.
00:25:28I know about it because of you.
00:25:30I know.
00:25:31I know.
00:25:31And I didn't want to tell you verbally, but I really hated the place.
00:25:34But I figured that you would know by how quiet I got.
00:25:37You said you had a headache.
00:25:39Yeah.
00:25:40From that place.
00:25:43I just like Casa de Fruta.
00:25:45And you said, whatever's fine.
00:25:48Oh, my God.
00:25:49You are breaking my heart.
00:25:51This is killing me.
00:25:51I don't even want to play.
00:25:53Okay.
00:25:54What?
00:25:55What?
00:25:56Just tell me what you're in the mood for.
00:25:57I'll pick a place.
00:25:59Sushi.
00:26:00Sushi.
00:26:00Yes.
00:26:01After you read me the Google articles on high radiation and mercury poisoning and my allergy.
00:26:08So, uh, are you trying to kill me?
00:26:10No, baby.
00:26:11I'm not trying to kill you.
00:26:13Who would pay for dinner?
00:26:15Okay.
00:26:16Leaving sushi aside.
00:26:18Oh!
00:26:19Monterey May Seafood House.
00:26:20Please, please, please.
00:26:20I love that place, please.
00:26:21Yes.
00:26:22Okay, again with the seafood.
00:26:25Yes.
00:26:25Okay?
00:26:25My throat, it seems to me, closing up and all of a sudden resultant death and tracheotomy
00:26:34on my day.
00:26:35Yes.
00:26:37We can't have you having a tracheotomy on your day.
00:26:41No.
00:26:41So we'll just wrap it up.
00:26:43You know what I want?
00:26:43And you, what?
00:26:44I want something juicy.
00:26:47Oh, I've heard that about you.
00:26:49Yeah.
00:26:49You know what?
00:26:50What?
00:26:50Steak.
00:26:51Chuck and Esther's.
00:26:52Oh, Chuck and Esther's.
00:26:55Oh.
00:26:56Great, you're me.
00:26:58You did that to me earlier.
00:26:59You want to do it again?
00:27:04Oh my God, I just got that.
00:27:06So you want to?
00:27:07No, stupid, the documentary.
00:27:08Oh, the documentary.
00:27:09The documentary.
00:27:09Oh, that.
00:27:10You cried like a girl.
00:27:11Because I thought we'd never have a steak together again.
00:27:14Look, I thought enough time went by that our social indignation is over.
00:27:18Okay?
00:27:18No.
00:27:19Yeah.
00:27:19It's not over.
00:27:20It's never going to be over.
00:27:21Never, ever, ever, ever.
00:27:22Wait, maybe they're talking about other meats?
00:27:23Please.
00:27:23Cambodia meats?
00:27:25Tibetan Lama?
00:27:26Come on, the steak.
00:27:28Come on, the steak at Chuck and Esther's is so juicy.
00:27:32No.
00:27:33No.
00:27:33It's not.
00:27:34It never will be.
00:27:36Choose food.
00:27:37I want to eat.
00:27:38I'm hungry.
00:27:38I'm getting grumpy.
00:27:39Okay.
00:27:39Indian food.
00:27:40No.
00:27:41Burgers.
00:27:42Boring.
00:27:43Mexican.
00:27:44Yeah.
00:27:44Because I think that Mexican food.
00:27:46What?
00:27:48Oh, okay.
00:27:50El burrito.
00:27:52Remember?
00:27:53El burrito.
00:27:55The wait there is 40 minutes I refuse.
00:27:58Seriously?
00:27:59Just pick food.
00:27:59Please, pick food.
00:28:00Okay, that I know that you like.
00:28:02Yes, whatever.
00:28:03Okay, that isn't chicken.
00:28:03Whatever.
00:28:04Not meat.
00:28:04Not turkey.
00:28:05Not seafood.
00:28:06Not Indian.
00:28:07Not Mexican.
00:28:08Not Italian.
00:28:09Not Viking food.
00:28:11Not fondue.
00:28:12Not cheeses.
00:28:13Not various dairy.
00:28:15Not grains.
00:28:16Nothing from any of the food groups.
00:28:18Let me think.
00:28:19Let me think.
00:28:45Oh, right.
00:28:47Oh, right?
00:28:48I like to say, a lot of garlic.
00:28:48I like to say.
00:28:49I think I destroyed all bitter which tends to be a bread.
00:28:49Anything from the deal.
00:28:49I like to say, lay in a honor.
00:28:49I've been in aán.
00:28:49Oh, this is not quite necessary.
00:28:49I don't have trouble.
00:28:49To save it just as a perception of water.
00:28:49I've been drunk, the stuff as an orphan agent.
00:28:50died?
00:28:50But I'm sure.
00:29:02It's day 763. We're still here.
00:29:06No, I'm so glad you guys are here for MTV's Behind Bars. Finally! Finally!
00:29:11My lawyer told me I would only be here, like, a month, probably?
00:29:16It's been a lot longer than that.
00:29:18700 days later.
00:29:19I'm just grateful for my friend here. We're friends. We're besties. We're friends of Opportunity, really.
00:29:28Or FOP. FOP.
00:29:31What was last night?
00:29:33Last night? We don't talk about last night.
00:29:35I'm talking about last night right now. Did the kiss mean nothing to you?
00:29:42I'm innocent. They got me in on trumped-up tax evasion charges. That's only because they couldn't find the body,
00:29:48but I'm innocent.
00:29:50Not really sure what else you guys want to know about... How long have we actually been here? It wasn't
00:29:57a month.
00:29:57Over 700 days, as I've said before. It's been a long time. I even had a spoon and tried to
00:30:03Andy Dufresne my way out, but they found it.
00:30:06She had the wrong poster, so it wasn't really the same.
00:30:08It was Superman. It was a bad choice. I don't know why.
00:30:12Yeah, why Superman?
00:30:12It was the old Superman, too. It was Christopher Reeves. It wasn't even recent.
00:30:16Why would you...
00:30:18Okay, first of all, Christopher Reeves is a better Superman than the...
00:30:21Anyway, it was just not... It didn't have the same Andy Dufresne kind of feel to it.
00:30:27Well, I just thought if I pretended like I was in a movie, then they would finally get it and
00:30:31let us out of here,
00:30:32because obviously, as my lawyer said, I shouldn't still be in here because I didn't do anything.
00:30:38No, no, there was a black person in here.
00:30:40There was a black person.
00:30:41There was. They threw them out after like a year, right?
00:30:44Why are we still here?
00:30:47Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is prisoner number 13159, Craig Sugarman Lewis.
00:30:54What else you need?
00:30:56Oh, yeah. Prison changes a man. Changes you.
00:31:01I used to be a leggy blonde stewardess for Air France.
00:31:06Yeah, yeah. This feels a little bit too comfortable.
00:31:10I'm thinking of doing a mod, what the kids call it, for this new pong game, where you make the
00:31:16balls a different color.
00:31:19Not unlike here in prison.
00:31:22Why are you here?
00:31:24I don't know. I killed a guy, but it was self-defense. So, I mean, George Zimmerman did it.
00:31:31I stole limes from the Mexican cartel.
00:31:36What?
00:31:37I was a dare. I was, I, I made a hundred bucks.
00:31:41That's like killing a baby.
00:31:43What?
00:31:44That's how bad that is.
00:31:46I, you, you actually.
00:31:47I did kill somebody.
00:31:49Yeah.
00:31:49That was once a baby.
00:31:50That was self-defense and you're disgusting because you stole limes.
00:31:57I'm disgusting because I stole limes.
00:31:59I don't even, I, I don't even want to be next to you anymore.
00:32:02No, I don't want to be next to you. I think we're way too close as it is. Can we,
00:32:05can I, can I, can I get a new cellmate?
00:32:08No. No. No, she can't.
00:32:11I mean, we've got, we've got a cafeteria where it's all you can eat.
00:32:15I mean, they give you a certain amount and that's all you can eat.
00:32:20Look at the face.
00:32:21We had you guys going.
00:32:21We had you guys going for a while.
00:32:22Look at her face.
00:32:23Look at her face.
00:32:24Look at her face.
00:32:26Look at her face.
00:32:28Tuesday is taco day.
00:32:30Everybody wants the taco.
00:32:33I am often the taco.
00:32:40What a lot of people don't know is we here have some significant nuisances in the prison system.
00:32:46One of which a lot of the games that they give us ain't updated.
00:32:49Uh, right now we play a sorry and I don't, I don't, I don't like sorry.
00:32:53I never liked it because I feel it is, uh, it's disingenuous.
00:32:56Uh, when you go knock somebody's piece off the board and then say sorry.
00:33:00And obviously, uh, you don't mean sorry.
00:33:02And there have been a many, many instances of this, uh, the bloodshed over the game.
00:33:06And I've told the warden, I said, we had 37 people die over, over this game.
00:33:10And he gonna tell me how, you know, it has nothing to do with sorry.
00:33:12I said, there's a piece embedded in the man's skull.
00:33:14How, how, how, how do you not know that that has to do to sorry?
00:33:17I said, uh, but yet we still have sorry.
00:33:21Wait, this is what I look like?
00:33:25We don't have mirrors in here.
00:33:28Oh, shit.
00:33:32Uh, what's my name?
00:33:34Uh, Tommy Dinklage.
00:33:36AKA, uh, Tommy Tenfingers.
00:33:38I grew up near Three Mile Island.
00:33:40I was the only kid in my neighborhood that, uh, were born with a full set of hands.
00:33:43I mean, really what it's all about is just a bunch of the guys roughhousing, you know?
00:33:48How bad can that be?
00:33:50Peanut butter, yeah, peanut butter.
00:33:52I mean, who doesn't like peanut butter?
00:33:55I made this from the guy in the cell next to me.
00:34:01Ask me how.
00:34:02You know, they, uh, still didn't find the gun I brought in with me.
00:34:14So, I've tried tunneling my way out of here, but they only give me plastic spoons now.
00:34:19It takes so forever.
00:34:22This is how far I've gotten.
00:34:25Is it because I said your dog's ugly?
00:34:28It's because you pooed in your sleep a lot.
00:34:31And yesterday was Taco Tuesday.
00:34:34Really?
00:34:38Imagine being in a locked cell with that.
00:35:16It's neither.
00:35:17It's neither.
00:35:18It's sugar man.
00:35:18Sugar man.
00:35:19Okay.
00:35:19Sugar man.
00:35:20They called me sugar man when I was little, uh, cause I like to put sugar on my pancake.
00:35:24And, uh, it's something about the, the sugar that works against the starch of the pancake.
00:35:29And, and, and sort of, you know, explosion of flavors, uh, in your mouth.
00:35:32And, and I would suggest that you use the sugar on your pancakes.
00:35:36Uh, now in here, uh, they call me sugar man for something, some other reason.
00:35:39Cause sugar can mean kiss.
00:35:40And so, uh, I, I, I've maintained that sugar man nickname.
00:35:44Well, an idea that I have, uh, here in prison that I would like to institute is etiquette.
00:35:51Um, right now, prison etiquette is, is not in good shape with communication and how we deal with each other.
00:36:00And I am from Connecticut.
00:36:02Uh, Smith educated.
00:36:05No, man, I'm, I'm sorry.
00:36:06I, I'm sorry.
00:36:07I didn't mean, I honestly didn't mean, you know, it's just, you, it's been a while when you hear that
00:36:11you, you know, you just see people, you don't see nobody with lips like yours.
00:36:15You, you have their supple, supple lips.
00:36:17And those are sort of the things that we value here.
00:36:19And, and I apologize for trying to kiss you.
00:36:21I do.
00:36:22But it was actually both our faults for you getting so close to the, to the, to the cage beast,
00:36:26if you know what I mean.
00:36:27Uh, the cage beast, you get coached in cage beast.
00:36:29Cage beast going to kiss you.
00:36:30That's that.
00:36:30That's the rule of life.
00:36:31That's the rule of the jungle.
00:36:32Cage beast, you get coached in cage beast kitchen and you got nice lips.
00:36:36But I want, I do want to apologize for, for trying to kiss you.
00:36:39And, and, and you might want to get yourself tested.
00:36:41I, uh, was raised with Emily post understanding etiquette, Connecticut is where I'm from etiquette, Connecticut.
00:36:49And I would like to institute a kind of new etiquette into the prison system.
00:36:55Right now we communicate with fits and starts.
00:37:00Um, it's very much, hi, how are you?
00:37:03Good morning.
00:37:04That's how I like to start my morning.
00:37:06And oftentimes I hear a response, shut the fuck up, bitch.
00:37:10Or I'll hear, I'll say, good morning.
00:37:13How are you?
00:37:13How was your sleep?
00:37:14And they'll say, I sleep when I'm dead, motherfucker.
00:37:16And I'm like, wonderful.
00:37:20Nice, nice to see you, Sharice.
00:37:22Um, or nice to see you, uh, Latoya, or maybe.
00:37:28So, I would like to introduce something like, when I hear, I'll fucking cut you, bitch.
00:37:34I say, wonderful initiative.
00:37:38Let's have lunch together.
00:37:40When I was in high school, I was sort of wild.
00:37:42I was a mathlete, and they brought us in mass to a scared straight program.
00:37:49And it was very effective.
00:37:52I woke up every morning thinking, don't go to jail.
00:37:57And at lunch, I think, don't go to jail.
00:37:59At nighttime, I think, don't go to jail.
00:38:01Every day after day, I think, don't go to jail.
00:38:06I might have manifested this.
00:38:09You don't think Pluto is a planet?
00:38:11You're going to tell me Pluto is not a planet?
00:38:13I'll kill you.
00:38:15And I don't, I love people.
00:38:17I love people.
00:38:18People are science.
00:38:19People are walking molecules that get together and decide to be a person for a while.
00:38:23So, it's cool.
00:38:25Just educate yourself.
00:38:28Or I'll kill you.
00:38:32What do I miss?
00:38:34I don't miss the colors gray and orange.
00:38:37I have an issue as a mid-level Power Ranger with my cellmate.
00:38:42My cellmate's name is Rufus Tintin.
00:38:46And he's going to tell me something about toilet paper.
00:38:48And I said, here's another nuisance for me.
00:38:50Toilet paper is an issue here.
00:38:52We don't have much of it.
00:38:53But I like to be clean.
00:38:54And I use many, many, many rolls.
00:38:58And if I need to, I might use two-ply.
00:39:00I might use one-ply.
00:39:01And he's going to tell me, he asked me, hey, what's wrong with you?
00:39:04And I said, what do you mean what's wrong with me?
00:39:05And he said, well, I thought he meant because my wife done died and I had a kill.
00:39:09But he said, what's wrong with you?
00:39:12You've been using a lot of toilet paper.
00:39:13You use 47 sheets of toilet paper.
00:39:14And I said, first of all, what's wrong with you counting a man's toilet paper sheets?
00:39:19How are you going to count a man's toilet paper sheets?
00:39:20There's nothing wrong with you.
00:39:21I like to be clean.
00:39:22Okay?
00:39:23Now we don't, are you paying for the toilet paper, crack-crack, Tintin?
00:39:26Are you paying for it?
00:39:27Are you paying for the toilet paper?
00:39:28Because I don't see me paying for the toilet paper.
00:39:29I use as much toilet paper as I want to use toilet paper.
00:39:32You know, they told you not to come in front of that line.
00:39:34But it's all right.
00:39:35I feel like we could get to know each other better.
00:39:38Come on.
00:39:40Just so I can touch you.
00:39:43Please?
00:39:44I promise, I won't grab your face again like last time.
00:39:47You know, I still, I don't know why I'm in here.
00:39:50You know, I committed.
00:39:51A lot of prisoners would say they didn't commit the crime.
00:39:54I admit I committed it.
00:39:55It was a white-collar crime.
00:39:57Yet I'm locked up in maximum security prison.
00:40:00Now, white-collar crime can mean many different things.
00:40:03At least I was trying to get that point across to my lawyer.
00:40:06In my instance, white-collar crime is, I saw a white man and I tagged on his car a little
00:40:10bit too much.
00:40:11And then he died.
00:40:34Still nothing.
00:40:36Did we wait?
00:40:38Something ain't right.
00:40:40Probably the heat.
00:40:42We should cut bait.
00:40:45I got that feeling.
00:40:47This is a lot of money, Larson.
00:40:49Hell, we could retire.
00:40:51Hell, we could go to Mexico, go north.
00:40:54We can wait two minutes.
00:40:58It's never late.
00:41:02Yeah, sometimes I get to wondering
00:41:05if there are any other ways you could
00:41:06see what's coming.
00:41:08You know, if I could like put my ear
00:41:10on the track of my life and find out what's in store.
00:41:13They say you never hear
00:41:14the one that gets you.
00:41:15Yeah. Well, I wonder.
00:41:21Check one more time.
00:41:26Nothing.
00:41:30Yeah.
00:41:32You know, my mama used to get so mad at me
00:41:34playing on them train tracks,
00:41:35say I'm going to get myself killed.
00:41:38Well, here I am.
00:41:41All human things are subject to decay.
00:41:44When fate summons,
00:41:46monarchs must obey.
00:41:49Is that the Bible?
00:41:51No.
00:41:53You think we'll have to pay for our crimes, Larson?
00:41:55I mean, you know, like in the afterlife?
00:41:58I think we're going to have to pay for them
00:41:59right here.
00:42:01That's two minutes.
00:42:03Check one more time.
00:42:07Wow.
00:42:11Good.
00:42:13I hate to break a winning streak.
00:42:18That's funny.
00:42:19I don't feel anything.
00:42:21It don't make no sense.
00:42:23We don't have time for this, Joey Bell.
00:42:25I ain't joshing.
00:42:29Come feel for yourself, dammit.
00:42:30Good God.
00:42:31Good God.
00:42:52KNOX��
00:42:531
00:44:15I think that we're going to be getting PK
00:44:18and electrothermic readings off the scale
00:44:20in this entire area.
00:44:22This whole area right here.
00:44:23This area, interestingly enough,
00:44:25used to be an ancient Chumash Indian burial ground.
00:44:28Burial ground, sure.
00:44:30Are you getting any readings?
00:44:31Not at the moment.
00:44:33Proximity thing?
00:44:34Maybe we need to find the right spot?
00:44:36No.
00:44:37No.
00:44:38I'm just not getting anything at all, actually.
00:44:40Is the power on?
00:44:41I guess so.
00:44:45Did you put fresh batteries in it?
00:44:48Batteries?
00:44:48Yes.
00:44:49Portable electronic devices tend to run on some sort of battery.
00:44:53Actually, I thought you were supposed to put batteries in there.
00:44:56Why?
00:44:56It's your invention.
00:44:57Yeah, but I remember in the car, I said, do you have batteries?
00:45:01And I said no.
00:45:03You did.
00:45:05You did.
00:45:06So?
00:45:07So we should be getting all kinds of thermographic readings,
00:45:10all off the scale, a lot of it we have to analyze.
00:45:13Hang on there.
00:45:15What exactly is that device supposed to be doing?
00:45:18This here?
00:45:19Yes.
00:45:19That's an interesting question.
00:45:21Do you have an interesting answer for me?
00:45:24This is, at its base, a meat thermometer.
00:45:32A meat thermometer.
00:45:34A meat thermometer that's been heavily modified to detect psychokinetic energy.
00:45:40How is that possible?
00:45:41Well, because psychokinetic energy is a broad spectrum.
00:45:44And you're able to...
00:45:45No!
00:45:46How?
00:45:47Oh, well, I put on this really cool antenna.
00:45:50See?
00:45:50Right there.
00:45:51And you also knew that there were no batteries in it.
00:45:55Well, actually, it doesn't need batteries.
00:45:58It doesn't?
00:45:59No.
00:46:00It's a meat thermometer.
00:46:03It's solar-powered.
00:46:05Then why are we using it at night?
00:46:12We always do stuff at night.
00:46:16SHUT UP!
00:46:17SHUT UP!
00:46:17SHUT UP!
00:46:18SHUT UP!
00:46:18SHUT UP!
00:46:18And that is for your solar-powered meat thermometer!
00:46:22SHUT UP!
00:46:26SHUT UP!
00:46:28SHUT UP!
00:46:36SHUT UP!
00:46:37SHUT UP!
00:46:38SHUT UP!
00:46:41SHUT UP!
00:46:42SHUT UP!
00:46:43SHUT UP!
00:46:44SHUT UP!
00:46:44SHUT UP!
00:46:45SHUT UP!
00:46:45SHUT UP!
00:46:46SHUT UP!
00:46:46SHUT UP!
00:46:46SHUT UP!
00:46:47SHUT UP!
00:46:47SHUT UP!
00:46:48SHUT UP!
00:46:50SHUT UP!
00:46:52and I mean visible to the naked eye apparitions,
00:46:56objects flying through the room, and frankly, demons.
00:47:02Let's go in.
00:47:22I think it's locked.
00:47:24You do?
00:47:25You did call the manager, didn't you?
00:47:27I thought you were gonna call the manager.
00:47:28Did you see me call the manager?
00:47:30Well, it wasn't observable phenomenon, no.
00:47:33That's because I didn't call the manager.
00:47:37Well, why not?
00:47:39Because you were supposed to call the manager.
00:47:41No, I wasn't.
00:47:42He's your brother-in-law!
00:47:45Obviously, you were supposed to call the manager
00:47:47because you wouldn't even give me the number.
00:47:49Because you keep hitting on my sister.
00:47:51That's not relevant right now
00:47:53because we are standing here one room away from...
00:47:57I think two rooms.
00:47:57Two rooms away from recording
00:47:59with highly sensitive instruments and HD video
00:48:03some of the most dramatic...
00:48:05What's the word?
00:48:07Evidence.
00:48:08Evidence!
00:48:08Evidence of ghost activity inside this very building.
00:48:13This building.
00:48:15Two rooms away.
00:48:16Two rooms away!
00:48:21Why are you pointing at the door?
00:48:23It would be right in there.
00:48:27I think we established that, actually.
00:48:39Second episode.
00:48:42Oh, fuck!
00:48:43We've got to get a...
00:48:44Hey!
00:48:45What the hell are you guys doing over there?
00:48:47Wow!
00:48:48Did you hear that?
00:48:51Oh, fuck!
00:48:55Oh, fuck!
00:48:56Oh!
00:48:57Oh!
00:49:00Oh!
00:49:00Oh!
00:49:00Oh!
00:49:01Oh!
00:49:01Oh!
00:49:01Oh!
00:49:01Oh!
00:49:01Oh!
00:49:05Oh!
00:49:11Welcome to Ghost Quest!
00:49:13Exclamation point.
00:49:14A retrospective!
00:49:15Exclamation point.
00:49:17I'm hunter number 1.
00:49:18And I'm hunter number 2.
00:49:20And on today's show...
00:49:21We take a look back at...
00:49:23You know what? We probably shouldn't do that.
00:49:24On these shows they always do that.
00:49:26They always say we'll take a look back at something,
00:49:28We're gonna show you,
00:49:29And then they show you.
00:49:29In keeping with our theme of, the unknown shall be found, I think we should boldly go somewhere else, as
00:49:40it were.
00:49:41We should actually tell them something about what they're about to see.
00:49:45Remember what happened when we didn't prepare anyone for the Pacoimba zombie of terror.
00:49:49Oh yeah, good point. We got flamed in the emails and comments on that one. Thanks.
00:49:54Oh, and of course there was that thing with the cat.
00:49:56Yes, tragic.
00:49:57Yeah, the barrowman electrolyzer should not cause swelling of the cerebellum.
00:50:01Not to that extent.
00:50:02Poor, poor Mrs. Schrodinger.
00:50:07It's only fair that we should tell them something about what they're about to see,
00:50:11as it will chill them to the bone with blood-curdling terror.
00:50:16Oh, that's right! Here's an ad from one of our sponsors.
00:50:19That's not what I was talking about, but okay.
00:50:23It's on sale! All of it's sale!
00:50:25I cut off perfectly good leg and put on peg leg.
00:50:29Why?
00:50:29Because I'm crazy!
00:50:31Yeah!
00:50:32Hi-fi stereo, $49.95.
00:50:35Today and yesterday only!
00:50:38Why is $49.95 flashing on screen?
00:50:41Because I track off leg?
00:50:43No!
00:50:44Because I'm crazy!
00:50:46Are you kidding me?
00:50:48Look at this leg!
00:50:49By two hi-fi stereo systems,
00:50:51I throw in two severed heads!
00:50:54Don't be afraid.
00:50:56I'm crazy Ahab.
00:50:58I cut off leg every day to make good price!
00:51:01Have I got the peg leg for you!
00:51:04Cutting everything!
00:51:05Including prices!
00:51:06Today!
00:51:07Why?
00:51:08Are you kidding me?
00:51:10Because I'm crazy!
00:51:12$19.99, now $8.99.
00:51:14$1.99, gone!
00:51:17$18.95, temporarily $22.95,
00:51:20slash $22.46.
00:51:23Why?
00:51:24Don't you do it!
00:51:25This leg is mine!
00:51:27Hi-fi!
00:51:28Walkman!
00:51:29VCR!
00:51:30Beeper!
00:51:31Gone!
00:51:32And more legs soon!
00:51:34Why?
00:51:34You know why!
00:51:36Because I'm crazy!
00:51:38AHHHHH!
00:51:39Gee, I hope he doesn't cut off any more of his legs.
00:51:43Ghost Quest!
00:51:45Exclamation point!
00:51:46Is our ongoing foray into the world of the paranormal,
00:51:50the supernatural,
00:51:52the unexplained.
00:51:53We've been offered many tantalizing glimpses
00:51:56into the world beyond,
00:51:57but few as potentially terrifying
00:52:00as this episode from Season 1.4,
00:52:02The Swing of Doom.
00:52:06So, here it is.
00:52:08The Baldwin Park Swing of Doom.
00:52:12Three hours into our investigation
00:52:13and still no movement from the swing.
00:52:15I fear that this might prove
00:52:17to be a textbook example
00:52:18of the Heisenberg Principle.
00:52:21Historically,
00:52:22the uncertainty principle
00:52:23has been confused
00:52:24with a somewhat similar phenomenon
00:52:25in physics
00:52:26known as the Observer Effect,
00:52:28which states
00:52:29that measurements
00:52:29of certain systems
00:52:30cannot be made
00:52:31without affecting those systems.
00:52:33Heisenberg noted
00:52:34this effect at the quantum level.
00:52:36Except that in this particular instance,
00:52:38nothing is happening.
00:52:40Perhaps,
00:52:41as we observe
00:52:42this aluminum alloy rod construct
00:52:44with a magnificent
00:52:46chain-linked seat connector
00:52:47built,
00:52:48allegedly,
00:52:49on yet another
00:52:50Chumash Indian burial ground,
00:52:52our mere skepticism
00:52:53has suppressed
00:52:54the very phenomenon
00:52:55we've come to observe.
00:52:56Now,
00:52:58if there were
00:52:59some observable phenomenon,
00:53:06it would look
00:53:08something like this.
00:53:29without a doubt,
00:53:30one of the most terrifying things
00:53:32we've failed to observe.
00:53:33In this next clip,
00:53:34observe we do.
00:53:36Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
00:53:38Yes!
00:53:38Yes!
00:53:39Yes.
00:53:41Yes.
00:53:41We observe
00:53:42the ghost droppings
00:53:43of Reptilio Man.
00:53:45In this episode
00:53:45from Season 1.7,
00:53:48The Terrifying Evil
00:53:49of Reptilio Man.
00:53:52Now,
00:53:53even though we're searching
00:53:53for the ghost
00:53:54of Reptilio Man,
00:53:55we are using equipment
00:53:57that attracts
00:53:58a living being.
00:54:00Isn't that a bit like
00:54:01using a dog whistle
00:54:02to attract a fish?
00:54:04Precisely.
00:54:06So,
00:54:07what have you brought
00:54:09that will actually
00:54:10attract Reptilio Man?
00:54:12Fish scented popcorn.
00:54:15Fish scented popcorn.
00:54:17Yes, specifically
00:54:18trout fish scented
00:54:20and crappy
00:54:21fish scented popcorn.
00:54:22You see,
00:54:23according to eyewitness accounts,
00:54:25Reptilio Man
00:54:25is very dangerous.
00:54:26No one has ever
00:54:27seen him
00:54:28and lived.
00:54:30How does that make
00:54:31any sense?
00:54:31What do you mean?
00:54:32So,
00:54:33did they die eventually,
00:54:35say,
00:54:3530 years later
00:54:36in their sleep?
00:54:37Or is there some implication
00:54:38that seeing Reptilio Man
00:54:40immediately caused
00:54:41their deaths?
00:54:42Oh,
00:54:43I see your point.
00:54:45And,
00:54:46oh,
00:54:47the popcorn.
00:54:54What lies beyond
00:54:56the locked door of death?
00:54:58Indeed,
00:54:58the locked door of death.
00:55:00There are many barriers
00:55:01to the unknown,
00:55:03many gateways
00:55:03left untraveled.
00:55:05And often,
00:55:06the unknown
00:55:07lies in wait
00:55:08beyond
00:55:09the locked door.
00:55:11Here,
00:55:12from the final episode
00:55:13of season 2.8,
00:55:15The Locked
00:55:15Locked
00:55:17Door of Death.
00:55:20Give it me.
00:55:26The locked.
00:55:27How is it possible
00:55:29for a door to be locked
00:55:30from both sides?
00:55:31You did, however,
00:55:32mention a key.
00:55:33Yes,
00:55:34I did.
00:55:34I mentioned
00:55:35not having a key.
00:55:39Are you sure?
00:55:39Yes!
00:55:41Why would we be standing
00:55:42knee-deep in raw sewage
00:55:44if we had a key?
00:55:46To find the answer?
00:55:48To what?
00:55:49Does standing
00:55:50in raw sewage
00:55:51actually become more
00:55:52unpleasant over time?
00:55:53Now,
00:55:53there's a definite salty
00:55:55tone in your voice
00:55:56I don't much appreciate.
00:55:57Now,
00:55:58I'm not the one
00:55:59who forgot the key!
00:56:00I never had the key!
00:56:02The key never existed!
00:56:04How could you have locked
00:56:05the door without the key?
00:56:06I didn't lock the door!
00:56:08So,
00:56:08you're implying
00:56:09that perhaps some
00:56:10unseen force
00:56:12locked the door?
00:56:15Hmm?
00:56:18Don't look at me like that!
00:56:19I'm serious!
00:56:20Here's an unseen force for you.
00:56:23Ow!
00:56:30Okay,
00:56:32Thor, our cameraman,
00:56:33requested this one.
00:56:34Our experiences in this investigation
00:56:37had the most far-reaching consequences
00:56:39of any we've encountered thus far.
00:56:41From Season 2.1,
00:56:44The Magnetic Monster of Doom.
00:56:47What?
00:56:48It was,
00:56:50as I've said,
00:56:51something I've been working on
00:56:52for some time now.
00:56:54There's been much talk
00:56:55of these magnets
00:56:56and their magnetic fields
00:56:58down through the ages.
00:56:59Legend has it that Manganese
00:57:01was herding his sheep
00:57:02in an area of northern Greece
00:57:04called Manganesia.
00:57:07Manganesia.
00:57:09About 4,000 years ago.
00:57:11But alas,
00:57:12he died
00:57:13still craving
00:57:14the elusive magnet.
00:57:15A magnet
00:57:16that would never
00:57:16be made practical.
00:57:18Until now.
00:57:20You wonder what I do
00:57:21when you drop me off
00:57:22after the show
00:57:23because I lost my license?
00:57:24Well,
00:57:25my friend,
00:57:25it's not sitting in front
00:57:27of the computer
00:57:27doing what you think.
00:57:31No!
00:57:32No, no, no, no!
00:57:34It's mostly
00:57:35creating the first
00:57:36handheld
00:57:37portable magnet.
00:57:38The South Pole was easy.
00:57:40Oh, it was easy.
00:57:41The mechanism
00:57:42for the magnetic field
00:57:43surrounding the South Pole
00:57:44was many, many
00:57:44vigorous strokes
00:57:45of magnetite
00:57:46on my rod away.
00:57:47But the North Pole,
00:57:49the North Pole
00:57:50eluded me.
00:57:52I had one pole
00:57:53of a magnet invented
00:57:54but it would be years
00:57:55before I would
00:57:56stop going south
00:57:57and instead
00:57:57turn north,
00:57:58creating a balanced
00:58:00rod of not one
00:58:01but two poles,
00:58:02north and south,
00:58:03whose attractive force
00:58:04was measurable
00:58:05and real!
00:58:06Real, Spencer!
00:58:08As real as me!
00:58:08telling you this now!
00:58:13That's some wild,
00:58:14unprovable flight
00:58:15of fancy
00:58:16like those of
00:58:16James Clerk Maxwell!
00:58:18Ha ha ha ha!
00:58:20No.
00:58:21This was a magnet.
00:58:23Real!
00:58:24Metal and I!
00:58:25I alone created it!
00:58:26It was me, Spencer!
00:58:28It was me all along!
00:58:33But that's not all!
00:58:35No!
00:58:36That's not enough!
00:58:37With truly powerful forces
00:58:39at work
00:58:39and my fevered brain,
00:58:42I created this
00:58:43extraordinarily powerful
00:58:45electromagnet
00:58:46producing a magnetic field
00:58:48of ten to the eleventh gauss.
00:58:50Wait!
00:58:51Don't you think
00:58:51that's a bad idea?
00:58:52Ha!
00:59:01You guys didn't drop this
00:59:03in a black hole,
00:59:04did you?
00:59:04I can assure you
00:59:05that that camera
00:59:06has not been dropped
00:59:07into a black hole.
00:59:10No black hole.
00:59:15Or expose it to an extraordinarily
00:59:17powerful electromagnet?
00:59:19Uh, what do you mean?
00:59:22Oh, like magnitude
00:59:23gauss times
00:59:24ten to the tenth
00:59:26ten to the twelfth.
00:59:27Kind of like the surface
00:59:28of a neutron star.
00:59:30I swear
00:59:32that that equipment
00:59:33has not been
00:59:34on the surface
00:59:35of a neutron star.
00:59:36We are not lying.
00:59:38We wouldn't lie to you.
00:59:39Or the manufacturer.
00:59:41Not lying.
00:59:47wouldn't lie.
00:59:54You gonna want the spoon back?
00:59:56I'm afraid I do.
00:59:58Sure.
01:00:10The Magnetic Monster
01:00:12of Doom.
01:00:13It was me.
01:00:15All along.
01:00:17Regrettably.
01:00:22That's it for Ghost Quest
01:00:23Retrospective Number 1.0.
01:00:26Subscribe to this channel
01:00:27for more episodes.
01:00:28Let us know what you'd like
01:00:29to see George Flattman
01:00:30and Spencer Billingsley
01:00:32investigate next.
01:00:33Follow us on Twitter
01:00:34at Ghost Quest Show,
01:00:36Facebook,
01:00:37and your nearest Ouija board.
01:00:40Spencer,
01:00:41there's a problem
01:00:42with the Behrman electrolyzer.
01:00:43To be continued.
01:01:11This could very well be
01:01:13some of the most terrifying
01:01:14footage we've ever recorded.
01:01:16Ooh.
01:01:17Okay.
01:01:18The readings are off the scale.
01:01:20Put that down.
01:01:20We won't want to screw this up.
01:01:22Wait.
01:01:22Okay.
01:01:23Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:01:24There it is.
01:01:25There it is.
01:01:26Slenderman.
01:01:27In those trees.
01:01:28Look!
01:01:28It appears to not see us,
01:01:29but there is Slenderman.
01:01:31You're getting this, right?
01:01:32Oh!
01:01:33Oh, I see it!
01:01:33No!
01:01:34On the camera!
01:01:35It's rolling!
01:01:36And uh...
01:01:36What?
01:01:37What?
01:01:37There are fresh batteries
01:01:39in the camera.
01:01:40This time.
01:01:40Why is the viewfinder black?
01:01:43It's night time.
01:01:46He's moving!
01:01:46Okay.
01:01:47He's moving.
01:01:47He's moving.
01:01:48The lens cap is on!
01:01:49Take it off!
01:01:50But we'll miss him!
01:01:51Do it!
01:02:00Ah, fuck!
01:02:04Slenderman...
01:02:04It was right over there.
01:02:20So as we were filming, it occurred to me that Slenderman, you know, much like a vampire,
01:02:27you...
01:02:27I couldn't see him through the viewfinder.
01:02:29You know, I could see him, you know, directly.
01:02:33Obviously, uh...
01:02:34Uh...
01:02:34Uh...
01:02:34With my own eyes.
01:02:35And...
01:02:35Wow!
01:02:37I mean, I wish...
01:02:39That...
01:02:40You could've, uh...
01:02:42But, of course, I...
01:02:43I couldn't...
01:02:44Couldn't see Slenderman through the, uh...
01:02:46The viewfinder.
01:02:46It's only logical.
01:02:49So, apparently, the trees, the bushes, the buildings, and the streetlights are all vampires
01:02:58because they don't register in the viewfinder either.
01:03:02Remarkable.
01:03:03I won't, uh, pull any punches here.
01:03:06Spencer was angry.
01:03:07I think it's called a...
01:03:09A rage spiral.
01:03:11I'm a vampire!
01:03:13I must be a vampire!
01:03:15This is a vampire!
01:03:17See this?
01:03:17This is a vampire!
01:03:19You're a vampire!
01:03:22If you're going to have any kind of real scientific integrity, like we do,
01:03:27you have to open yourself up to criticism, to a kind of studied scrutiny of your methods,
01:03:34uh, and your conclusions.
01:03:36George is an idiot!
01:03:39Shooting this kind of phenomenon is a real crapshoot.
01:03:43Especially when we're involved.
01:03:46...
01:03:57Day one of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:05As of 1637 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:17Day four of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:24As of 1322 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:35Day ten of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:42As of 1153 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:53Day thirteen of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:01As of 1153 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:05:19Day 18 of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:27As of 1714 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:05:57Hello, I'm Spencer Billingsley.
01:05:59And I'm George Flatman.
01:06:01Welcome to Ghost Quest.
01:06:04We're standing outside Our Lady of Perpetual Juxtaposition Cemetery in Roseby, California,
01:06:09where there have been numerous sightings of a terrifying apparition
01:06:13that local residents have come to refer to as the evil flaming skull of Corey Clemo.
01:06:19Indeed, part of the challenge of this type of investigation is the fact that there is no artificial lighting in
01:06:26the cemetery
01:06:26and the nearest street light is like half a mile away.
01:06:30Visibility to the unaided eye is essentially zero.
01:06:34That's why we've come armed with some formidable technology.
01:06:38These are the latest generation night vision goggles, or NVGs.
01:06:43The imaging circuitry in these glasses is so advanced that placing a single candle on the 50-yard line
01:06:51of an otherwise pitch-black football field can render the entire field bright as day.
01:06:56Now, needless to say, it's very important to avoid looking directly into any high-intensity light sources.
01:07:02Well, I didn't want to be cut out of any cutting-edge technology.
01:07:06What do you have here?
01:07:07Well, this is the Hexalume MF9200, and that is a portable, high-intensity LED floodlight.
01:07:16Now, it provides a three-hour burn with a single strontium sulfide rechargeable battery
01:07:23that is no bigger than a bar of soap.
01:07:26That's impressive.
01:07:27What's the output?
01:07:28Well, for this baby, these dual-quad emitters produce light equivalent to a 10,000-watt halogen bulb.
01:07:39Here, take a look.
01:07:40No, don't!
01:07:49Hello, I'm George Flatman of Flatman Laboratories.
01:07:52Today, we're going to take a first look at the model MM5 multiphasic magnetometer.
01:07:58Now, this baby's been subjected to some of the most rigorous testing,
01:08:02and we are confident that it will hold up under the most demanding field use
01:08:07and provide the highest level of performance on the test bench.
01:08:12Bulletproof is the operational term for the MM5.
01:08:33Hello, I'm George Flatman of Flatman Laboratories,
01:08:37and today, we're going to take a look at the model MM5 Mark II
01:08:41improved multiphasic magnetometer.
01:08:45Now, this baby has been subjected to all kinds of rigorous tests,
01:08:49including the vibration test and computer modeling,
01:08:52and we are confident that she'll be able to provide some of the finest in field performance
01:08:57and the highest level of performance right here on the test bench.
01:09:03Even more bulletproof is the operational term for the MM5 Mark II.
01:09:30Step 16, replace the sample receptacle sub-housing,
01:09:34and close the casing manifold by pressing the three tabs back into the slot
01:09:42while holding away the vent tubing.
01:09:44Okay.
01:09:44Okay.
01:09:45Okay.
01:09:46Okay.
01:09:46Replace the sample receptacle sub-housing,
01:09:50close the casing manifold.
01:09:53Three tabs are in, holding away the vent tubing.
01:09:58Okay, here.
01:10:00And we've got step 17.
01:10:01Uh, seal the assembly with 15 8-millimeter bolts,
01:10:06moving clockwise, beginning from position four.
01:10:09Why position four?
01:10:11It's a procedure.
01:10:12I mean, we've done extensive computer modeling at Flatman Laboratories.
01:10:16So now you're calling your mother's basement Flatman Laboratories?
01:10:23My mother has an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.
01:10:30Okay, 15 bolts.
01:10:3415 bolts?
01:10:35That seems a lot.
01:10:36You want to do four?
01:10:37Yeah, four seems better.
01:10:40Okay.
01:10:40Got it?
01:10:41Okay.
01:10:47There we go.
01:10:49Next step.
01:10:50Next step.
01:10:51Um, turn on the heating elements and the argon gas,
01:10:54and don't open for 42 hours.
01:10:58Okay.
01:11:01Okay.
01:11:02Now, place the sample in the open containment receptacle.
01:11:10Excuse me?
01:11:11Yep.
01:11:12Place the sample in the open containment receptacle.
01:11:15That's step one.
01:11:17That's step one?
01:11:19Yeah.
01:11:20How are we going to test it without, you know, placing it in the device?
01:11:24How are we going to place it in the device when we just spent two hours sealing the device?
01:11:29Well, obviously, I said, put the sample in the device first.
01:11:34I know I said that.
01:11:36I did say that.
01:11:38I said that.
01:11:39No, you didn't.
01:11:40No, I must have.
01:11:42Probably.
01:11:43No.
01:11:44Probably.
01:11:44You didn't.
01:11:45You were going on about extensive computer modeling at Flatman Laboratories.
01:11:48Yes.
01:11:53I have a question for you.
01:12:01Sure.
01:12:03Why does the test procedure begin with step two and end with step one?
01:12:16I don't need to ask my mother.
01:12:23I'm going to hang on to this until...
01:12:25Mom!
01:12:26Mom!
01:12:28Mom!
01:12:33Yeah, and frankly, we're going to get PK readings and electrothermic readings that are just off
01:12:38the scale.
01:12:39This entire area, this area, actually here.
01:12:41This area, interestingly, was once an ancient Chumash Indian burial ground.
01:12:46Burial ground, sure.
01:12:47So, you getting any readings?
01:12:49Not at the moment.
01:12:51It's a proximity thing.
01:12:52Maybe we need to find the right spot?
01:12:55No.
01:12:56No, I'm just, I'm not getting any readings at all.
01:12:58Is the power on?
01:13:00I guess so.
01:13:03Did you put fresh batteries in it?
01:13:05Batteries?
01:13:06Yes.
01:13:07Portable electronic devices tend to run on some sort of battery.
01:13:10Yeah.
01:13:12Actually, I thought you put the batteries in it.
01:13:13Why?
01:13:14It's your invention.
01:13:15Yeah, but I remember in the car, I said to you, do you have any batteries?
01:13:18And I said no.
01:13:21You did.
01:13:22You did.
01:13:23That's so.
01:13:24So, the kind of thermographic readings, this thing, we're going to have off scale.
01:13:28There's going to be so much data that we have to digest and analyze, it's frankly going
01:13:32to take months just to get this out.
01:13:34Hang on there.
01:13:35Hold on.
01:13:37What exactly is that device supposed to be doing?
01:13:40This?
01:13:41This here?
01:13:42Yes.
01:13:43That's an interesting question.
01:13:45Do you have an interesting answer for me?
01:13:47This is, at its base, a meat thermometer.
01:13:56A meat thermometer?
01:13:58A meat thermometer that's been highly modified to detect psychokinetic energy.
01:14:03How is that possible?
01:14:08Well, psychokinetic energy is really a broad spectrum.
01:14:11No!
01:14:11So, how?
01:14:15I put this really cool antenna on it.
01:14:17I don't know if you can see that, but that's...
01:14:19And, uh, you also knew that there were no batteries in it.
01:14:24Actually, it doesn't need batteries.
01:14:25It doesn't?
01:14:26No.
01:14:27A meat thermometer.
01:14:30Solar power.
01:14:36Then, why are we using it at night?
01:14:45We always do stuff at night.
01:14:49And that is for your solar-powered meat thermometer!
01:15:11And now, here is the weather, as it has been foretold.
01:15:18Well, it looks like another rough week in the Holy Land.
01:15:22Let's take a look at the scrolls.
01:15:25It shall be fire and brimstone in Hebron, with scattered thunderbolts down there in Tarsus.
01:15:32A plague of locusts shall be coming in from the southeast.
01:15:35They should be in Sodom by about noon tomorrow, so be sure to wear a hat.
01:15:42The four-day prophecy, the four-day forecast for Gomorrah, is two days.
01:15:49Now, let us divine the temperatures.
01:15:52In Jerusalem, it shall be hot.
01:15:56In the Bethlehem areas, it shall be very hot.
01:16:02And in the valley of Megiddo, ye shall seek the cover of a large rock, as a pillar of fire
01:16:08is touched down near a mini-market, a pillar of salt lightly upon direct viewing, and the
01:16:13love of many shall wax cold.
01:16:16In the south of Egypt, a nasty spell going on there of nineteen days of frogs, followed
01:16:23by lice, flies, locusts on Thursday, more locusts, and a small river of blood-flood warning in
01:16:31the Nile areas.
01:16:33Coming from the south-southeast, leprosy.
01:16:37Coming from the north-northwest, leprosy.
01:16:41Looking to the coastal areas now, a thick darkness shall lay upon the face of the land
01:16:46on Friday, with a 99% chance of the death of all first-born.
01:16:51Egypt, not a good vacation choice, this long weekend.
01:16:57In the Mediterranean now, a low-pressure front brought in by almighty winds, we shall see
01:17:0340 days and 40 nights of rain, followed by widespread flooding, as we see the continued
01:17:09effect of El Nino.
01:17:12And speaking of El Nino, birthday wishes, for today a child is born, today a child is given,
01:17:19for today Joseph begat Jesus, so be sure to set your calendars back to zero.
01:17:26That is the weather, as it has been prophesied.
01:17:30Is this divine retribution?
01:17:34Right, you brought that on yourself.
01:17:38There's always one, isn't there?
01:17:40There's always what you saw in.
01:17:41Right.
01:17:43Now, sports!
01:18:13It's not cold.
01:18:42It's not cold.
01:18:56If this sentence were in Chinese, I would be saying something else.
01:19:03I speak of the Chinese language merely because of my brief and tempestuous marriage to a
01:19:09woman from the Manchu province of China.
01:19:12It's very lonely down the mines.
01:19:14So I signed up for the LonelyPillockDatingService.com via the Internet.
01:19:22In case you haven't heard of it, the Internet is a complex global web of interconnections
01:19:27that allows me to receive my junk mail instantly.
01:19:32Through the LonelyPillockDatingService.com, I clicked on a button marked Women, and to
01:19:39my surprise, for only six months' pay, plus postage and handling, I immediately found my
01:19:45soulmate, who was, as I feared, in China.
01:19:51They say a picture's worth a thousand words, so I sent her a picture of Pierce Brosnan.
01:19:58It was the longest letter I ever wrote.
01:20:02For her, it was love at first sight.
01:20:04But unfortunately, she saw me again a few times after that.
01:20:10You see, she arrived via what's now called snail mail.
01:20:15Snail mail, I am happy to report, is not mail delivered by garden-dwelling mollusks.
01:20:22This I learnt the hard way, after many hours sitting in my garden, waiting.
01:20:42You see, she arrived via postman, my snail mail, all the bride did.
01:20:46He was about six foot tall, looked to be seven when I first saw him, with dark wavy hair,
01:20:53and he smiled a lot.
01:21:04She was about five foot tall, and she smiled a lot too, at first.
01:21:30After a few months, I noted with interest that neither of us understood what the other
01:21:36one was saying.
01:21:37Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:39I have encouraged you to learn English.
01:21:43Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:45Sorry, I didn't catch a word out there.
01:21:47Urgh!
01:21:48Dirty man!
01:21:49Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:51Again, not getting it.
01:21:52Urgh!
01:21:53Urgh!
01:21:54Do it!
01:21:55I know you're fine.
01:21:57Urgh!
01:21:57Bad husband!
01:21:59What you getting?
01:22:00Son!
01:22:01A little more clarity and I'll be with you on that.
01:22:14Sorry, I'm not catching a word out there.
01:22:17I was dismayed.
01:22:19So I rang them up.
01:22:20I said, hello, what's wrong with her?
01:22:27I'm sorry, I thought you were going to say something.
01:22:33I am dismayed.
01:22:35She has all her parts.
01:22:37Can she be returned?
01:22:38Oh yes, that's intact as well.
01:22:42They told me that she was a minor and that I shouldn't tell anyone.
01:22:47I said, I'm a minor too and proud of it.
01:22:50They said loving a minor is illegal.
01:22:53Proper people shouldn't do it.
01:22:55They hung up.
01:22:56That's why all these lovely ladies have been avoiding me all these years.
01:23:01Because I'm a minor.
01:23:03You see, I learnt from my incomprehensible pride that language is a tricky thing.
01:23:08Some say, the language barrier cannot be broken.
01:23:12The language barrier cannot be broken, they would say to me, and then walk away before
01:23:17I could say anything.
01:23:18Happens every day.
01:23:19But that's what they said about sound too, wasn't it?
01:23:22They said, the sound barrier cannot be broken.
01:23:25Yet thanks to the efforts of American test pilot Chuck Yeager,
01:23:29You are hearing me now.
01:23:34Of course, breaking the language barrier can be a dangerous thing.
01:23:37Like the Spanish language.
01:23:39In all its subversive phrases like,
01:23:42Buenos tardes.
01:23:43Buenos tardes, you hear them say.
01:23:45Which means, of course, it's good to be tardy.
01:23:48Go down the mine.
01:23:49Go in late.
01:23:50You say, Buenos tardes to them.
01:23:52He says, you're tardy.
01:23:53That's not buenos.
01:23:54Get out.
01:23:56Yes, the Spanish language could render sunder the very fast
01:23:59fabric of society.
01:24:00Send the earth hurling off into the oceans.
01:24:04And I'm not giving to exaggeration.
01:24:06No.
01:24:07I think exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
01:24:11You see, in the spring, the postman movingly told me
01:24:15that my snail mail order bride had come of age.
01:24:19Unfortunately, it was the Bronze Age.
01:24:21All I had was an iron.
01:24:23And that she had to go back with him now.
01:24:26I knew he had to be right.
01:24:27I knew he spoke her language.
01:24:29Because I could hear them giggling away the hours in my bedroom.
01:24:33Every day around 11am when he came by to deliver his package.
01:24:40You see, I wish I was the Chuck Yeager of languages.
01:24:43Breaking the language barrier so everyone could understand everyone else instantly.
01:24:48I think the world would be a much nicer place if we did.
01:24:51But whereas some might drink from the fountain of knowledge,
01:24:55I merely gargled.
01:25:01Well, that's the last statement I shall make on breaking the sound barrier.
01:25:05In fact, that's the last statement I shall make.
01:25:10No.
01:25:11I was wrong.
01:25:18Didn't catch your game.
01:25:24Harry, did you find any coal?
01:25:30It's still not coal.
01:25:36Ow.
01:25:39Ah, helpless.
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