- 2 hours ago
The Young Offenders (2016) Season 5 Episode 5
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00:10You
00:10Hear a lot of moms going on about who being a mom is like a real job, but how hard
00:15is it really?
00:18Okay, there's the pregnancy base
00:20Tony
00:22And then there's the bar, but that's just popping it out
00:26And I reckon I was actually the one who ended up doing most of the work there
00:30And after all that you have a baby
00:32And you get months off work where you get free money for doing absolutely nothing
00:36Jesus Christ, he's eating my nipples red raw
00:39You could try bottle feeding him
00:41Oh, yeah, and have everyone tell me I hate my baby. No, thanks
00:44The whole thing seems like a bit of a scam really
00:46I'll bottle you
00:48Oh Christy, Mr. Pass
00:50Who's taking the pass?
00:52What are we going to do?
00:53There's nothing to be afraid of, okay?
00:55I'm just going to tell her to camp now
00:57No, no, no, no, no
00:58You want to be killed
01:00You can't tell a woman to camp, don't you?
01:02Well, how's she going to let her relax then?
01:04Hey
01:04Where is the soup?
01:05It'll be over soon
01:06Her mam's coming to town and she's just a bit worked up
01:09It won't last forever
01:10Oh, mam's mam?
01:11I thought she was dead
01:12Well, she's not dead
01:13She just left Mairead when she was a little girl
01:16Started a new family
01:18Oh, who put water in the pass?
01:22Hi Mairead
01:23Hey Mairead
01:24Conrad here
01:25I can tell you're going through a little bit of a tough time here at the moment
01:29Yeah, and you're probably mad about that tough time
01:33Yeah
01:34But you think it would help a little if you just, if you just calmed the fuck down?
01:46They say getting your driver's license is a rite of passage
01:50But really it's just 50 quid an hour to get honked at for stalling in front of strangers
01:54But today's the day I can finally prove that I'm more than just a passenger
01:58It wouldn't look good driving if it hit you in the face
02:01My kind
02:03Oh boy, they have to fail a certain percentage, boy
02:07Everybody knows that, it's just like a statistic thing, boy
02:10No, it's hard for me
02:11No, I just want to go to bed
02:12I can't, we don't, you don't even need a driver's license to drive
02:15I know
02:18But I got it anyway
02:19Shut up, mate
02:20I got it
02:20Are you joking me, boy?
02:22Jesus Christ
02:24That's like Killian Murphy with your acting, boy
02:26That was my Oscar, like
02:27Then you get a bit shy around, you know
02:29You're like the T-shirt or something, boy
02:31Michael D. Higgins
02:31The King of Ireland
02:33Boy, we can get drive-thrus now
02:35Drive-thrus!
02:37Drive-thrus!
02:38Drive-thrus!
02:38Yeah
02:39Holy shit, Carmoy
02:40Oh
02:41You
02:43You
02:44You
02:44You deserve it, my kid
02:49Very classy
02:49Here, get your manky hands off them, they're not for you
02:52Yes, they are, it's my party
02:54How is it your party?
02:55It's my party because we passed the driving test
02:58Yeah
02:58We?
02:59Both of you did, did you?
03:00Well, like, I was sitting on the seat with the wheel
03:03But he was in my head, so it was like it was a giant effort, like
03:05Exactly, yeah
03:05A rising tide lifts all the boats, my head
03:08What are you on about?
03:09He's talking about tides
03:10Boats
03:11Rising tides
03:12When jock rises, we all rise
03:13Yeah
03:14Alright, well, look
03:15Who's this party for?
03:17So, if it's not for your award-winning son
03:18Passing a test designed for teenagers isn't exactly award-winning
03:21It is for you, boy
03:23And besides, it's Bridget's birthday
03:25Oh, Bridget, as in
03:26What's Bridget?
03:27Bridget is in your mind, Bridget
03:29I thought you hated your mind
03:30I do, she's a self-centred witch
03:32She's a witch?
03:35Every time I look in the mirror, I see half of her
03:37And I hate her so much, I hate half myself
03:40But if she wants the best party ever, that's what we're gonna throw her
03:43So, you hate this woman so much, that you're gonna throw her the best party you've ever thrown in your
03:48entire life?
03:48I am not giving her the satisfaction of having a bad word to say
03:51We've had parties before, like, it's not that hard
03:54Alright, I'm off to pick up the witch
03:56We'll come with you
03:57No, you are not
03:58We will be talking more
03:59Let's go get you
04:00You might get to drive the car by Tinkerholder
04:02But...
04:02She's actually a witch
04:03Of some kind
04:07After I really love you
04:11Love you
04:11Lads
04:14After all that we've been true
04:18Ho, ho, ho
04:20Daisy, goodbye
04:21Lads, shut up!
04:22And you
04:26We've had some crack in this car over the years, haven't we?
04:29Do you remember the time that we went and held you with the fridge?
04:33And you thought we murdered a load of ducks
04:35With a hammer, like
04:37That was so good
04:38Just a car job
04:39Ah, come on, though, it's not, though, is it?
04:41It's more than that
04:41It's memories on wheels
04:43Do you remember the time we went up to Dublin to go to therapy?
04:46And then the therapist told us that you were the one that was fucked up?
04:49Ah!
04:50Alright, like
04:51Can you believe that?
04:52The look on your face
04:54You were like
04:55What?
04:56I paid all this money for some quack to tell me that
04:59That's a good one
05:00That was class
05:04Eh
05:05Right, I think you're looking a little bit tired
05:07Tired?
05:08Piss off, jock
05:09Stay to you
05:10You have a face like the first pancake
05:11You know, the bad one that comes out all munted and shite
05:14So they have to throw it out
05:15Jeez, that's a bit below the bill, no?
05:18I just thought that maybe you could, eh
05:20Just do a little break from the driving, is all
05:22That will keep your thoughts to yourself
05:24I think he's just a bit worried, eh
05:26You shouldn't be driving in your condition
05:28A condition? What condition is that?
05:30Arsehole, ladies
05:33Sorry about that
05:34In all seriousness
05:36He's right, like
05:37Yeah
05:37I don't think you, at the moment, have the mental capacity to focus on the road
05:41You know, thinking about your mammonod
05:43That's serious stuff
05:44Do you know what might be a good
05:46Thought experiment
05:48Thought experiment?
05:49Yeah
05:49Did you learn that from the prison therapist, was it?
05:51No, I'm not worried
05:53Imagine
05:53Alright
05:54That you've never met your man
05:56And you're just on your way now
05:58To just make a new friend
06:00So you can leave all the baggage at the door
06:05Are you serious?
06:11What the fuck?
06:12What are you doing?
06:14That's obviously not what we meant, like
06:16I was my mam's baggage when she left me outside the car
06:18And she took off with a handbag full of freedom and selfishness
06:21So what?
06:22We're just your baggage
06:23Yes
06:23You are my baggage
06:24The type of baggage that has no value
06:26And I get stuck with it because nobody else wants it
06:29Look
06:29Ye are as useful as a bag full of mickeys
06:31Soft mickeys at that
06:33Shush me
06:33No, no, no, don't you shush me
06:35I'll just
06:36Shush me
06:36Shush me
06:36Shush, shush, shush
06:37It's okay
06:37We understand
06:38Shush
06:38Get in
06:43Alright, well he should be sleeping
06:45I know that, Mairead, but he won't stay down
06:48Arrows
06:48No
06:50Did you ask nicely?
06:51Airbag
06:52Seriously, Mairead?
06:53Not an airbag
06:54Shhh
06:55I can't help from here
06:56Animals
06:57See the cows there? Animals
06:58No
07:00Healy, what was that?
07:02I gotta go
07:04I don't know, but give me a clue
07:05It is all around us
07:08It is all around us
07:10It is all around us
07:10Come on, boy, use your brain
07:11Come on
07:12There's no more words beginning with A
07:13I don't know
07:14You only guessed like six of them
07:16I can't think under this pressure
07:18Healy
07:18You want me to tell me?
07:19Tell me, that's what I said, tell me
07:20What are these?
07:22Air
07:24Air
07:24Air, yeah
07:25But you can't see air
07:27Tony
07:27Of course you can, boys
07:28It's all around us
07:30Yeah
07:30I can't see air right now, can I?
07:32I can feel the air
07:33Healy, what is going on?
07:34Will you answer me?
07:35You can feel the effects of air
07:36But you can't see air
07:37No, no, no, no, no
07:37Air is see through
07:38You see through it
07:40Okay
07:40Then why don't you call this thing?
07:44Why don't you call that thing?
07:45No, no, no, no
07:46That's not air
07:47That's like saying
07:47I spy with my little I, W
07:49I'm picking water vapor
07:50A bad workman
07:52Blames his tool
07:53Yeah
07:53I spy with my little I
07:55Something beginning with A
07:55And annoying fuck
07:56I am surrounded by adult children
07:59Here
08:00Thank you
08:04I spy with my little I
08:07An absolute ride
08:08Look at her
08:09What a kid
08:10She is like fine wine
08:12Whoa
08:12That's a bit of me though
08:13She's right up your street, man
08:15She's actually, she's stunning
08:15Is she hot, man?
08:16Stop hitting on your granny
08:18Granny?
08:19Who's granny?
08:21No, no, no, no
08:22No, no, no
08:23No, no, stop
08:23No, no, no
08:24No, no, no, no
08:24That was granny
08:25She's not hot at all
08:26But she's monkey
08:28Bridget
08:29Call me mom
08:30Oh, that's the witch
08:34Mmm
08:36Look at those muscles
08:37You go to the gym or what?
08:40No, boy
08:41My mam said I was actually born with a six pack
08:43Yeah, all the doctors took photos of it in the hospital and all
08:46Looks like a washboard to me
08:48Yeah, well he's full of shit, are he?
08:49Boy, I swear to God
08:50I was almost in the paper but I got bumped because they found a missing girl
08:53Yeah, all right, Jack
08:54As if, Jack
08:55Be nice
08:56Handsome lad like him, he's gonna make a lot of money
08:59Doing what?
09:00Being an escort
09:01Connor
09:01That is disgusting
09:04It's just science
09:06Good-looking lads make more money
09:08He wasn't even top five best-looking people in our school
09:10Jealous, boy
09:11Relax
09:13Relax, okay
09:15Brides only hang out with brides
09:18It reflects well on you too
09:22Who says that?
09:23Everybody
09:24Isn't that right, Moraed?
09:26That's why she had such difficulty at school making friends
09:30Weren't enough other middling children
09:33Are you only middling, Moraed?
09:36Woo!
09:36We are done here
09:37Jack is too young for you, it's disgusting
09:39He's basically like your grandson
09:40No, not by blood
09:42Ah, she's got a point there
09:43I mean, it wouldn't be illegal now, would it?
09:46No, but that doesn't make it right
09:47Yeah
09:47It's still messed up, alright-ly
09:50Spiritually
09:50Yeah, spiritually
09:52So why don't you just stop trying to score with him and be normal for once?
09:59Over this way, my lady
10:01Get inside down on yourself
10:02Enough
10:03That is a gorgeous jacket
10:04And you?
10:07I'm going to be your granddad, boy
10:08I'm not going to be my granddad
10:09I'm not going to be my granddad
10:09For the days
10:10I'm not calling you granddad
10:11It's going to be your granddad
10:13I'm your granddad, boy
10:14I'm your granddad, boy
10:14Do you respect me?
10:15I'm your granddad
10:21No, no
10:21What are you doing?
10:24Oh, fuck
10:25Oh, fuck
10:27Oh, oh, yeah
10:36So, how have you been, anyway?
10:39Fine
10:40No thanks to you
10:41Oh
10:42Erm
10:42It's a fine day for a drive, isn't it?
10:46Yeah
10:46Yeah, beautiful blue skies, isn't it?
10:49Brilliant
10:49God, he's the dead spit of your father
10:52Ah
10:52You barely knew, Dad
10:54You couldn't pick him out of a line-up
10:55I stayed around long enough to have you, didn't I?
10:58What more do you want?
10:59Oh, no, no
11:00That's plenty
11:01Thank you very much
11:02Thank you so much for having me
11:04And then abandoning me
11:05Boy, I think we should block our heroes or something
11:07This feels sort of private, no?
11:10I didn't abandon you, for heaven's sakes
11:12I had to leave
11:14Well, you seem to do fine with that other family
11:16Where are they now, anyway?
11:17Why aren't you bothering them for your birthday?
11:19I wanted to meet Neil
11:21His name's Noel
11:22Oh
11:24Noel, Neil, whatever
11:27He's still my grandson
11:29Also, I don't speak to the others
11:31We fell out
11:32What?
11:34I stayed around for a bit
11:35But then the boomtown rats went on tour
11:40You toured with them?
11:43I followed them around, yeah
11:46That's amazing
11:46That is sick
11:47Anyway, I wasn't meant to be a mother
11:52Honestly, it's a shit job
11:54No, that's what I say too
11:56I always say, be a dad, much easier, more fun
11:59Well said
12:04What now?
12:05He took a shit in the bath
12:06And?
12:07I didn't even know that was a thing
12:10Oh, he's pissing on me now already
12:11He's pissing on me
12:13Grow up and deal with it, alright?
12:14He's your kid too
12:19Is she always this moody?
12:22I'll answer this one
12:24Yes
12:25I even got my driver's licence
12:27And she won't let me behind the wheel
12:28Can you believe that?
12:29Yeah
12:29Even despite her condition
12:31I don't have a condition
12:32Are so light
12:34Exactly, Nancy
12:36That's what I said you had, mam
12:37Gosh, she is a witch
12:39Can you believe this?
12:44You're like a cat that's lived a thousand lives
12:46A thousand rides, more like
12:48Van used to say that sort of stuff to me all the time
12:52Van Morrison
12:54I used to babysit him
12:55I've heard of him
12:56You're full of shit, you know that
12:57Van Morrison is older than you
12:58You couldn't babysit him
12:59Brown-eyed girl
13:00That one's about me
13:01You have blue eyes
13:03You're sick
13:04Is it alright to smoke in here?
13:07What?
13:07No
13:07No, I quit smoking
13:10Boys
13:10Oh, yeah
13:11Go any further
13:12And you will be walking home
13:13That is so unfair
13:17Yeah, Marrage, we never told us
13:18Our man was such a legend
13:19Yeah, she's like a proper lad
13:21Like, not a small one
13:22Like, a big one
13:23Massive one
13:24Yeah, well, you didn't grow up with her
13:25Yeah, well, yeah
13:26Neither did you
13:27Ha ha
13:28She does
13:28Ha ha
13:30I'm relaxed, like
13:31I was only making a good pint
13:33He's hot too
13:34Yoo-hoo
13:36This is Killian
13:39He's looking for a ride
13:41And I said we have room
13:44Absolutely not
13:45Oh, come on
13:46Share and share alike
13:47No offence, like
13:48But don't you think he looks
13:49He looks a bit like a murderer
13:51Silly
13:54Just watching my address
13:56Do you, Killian?
13:58No, ta
13:59Mm-mm-mm
14:00See?
14:02Wait, was that a yes or a no?
14:04Well, his head said yes, but his mouth said no
14:06Look, there's no room
14:07Fine
14:08But if you're not going to let my new friend come
14:13Then you're going to have to let Connor drive
14:16We all have to make compromises
14:20Fine, Connor can drive
14:22Holy shit
14:23All right
14:24Just remember what I taught you
14:25What we talked about
14:25You'd like to give
14:26Mwah
14:28I'll never forget you
14:31No, no, no, not that way
14:33No, no
14:33That way
14:35Ten and two
14:36Ten and two
14:40Nice family
14:41Then there was the time when she came home from school
14:44And told me she needed glasses
14:46Right
14:47I did need glasses, all right
14:48I couldn't see the blackboard
14:50I said to her
14:52Come here
14:53Yeah
14:53Do you see that moon up there?
14:56I said that moon is 400,000 miles away
15:00It's fuck all wrong with your eyesight
15:03That's good
15:04Ten and two, okay?
15:05Yeah, you keep saying that but I don't know what that means
15:07I love
15:08Like a clock, okay?
15:09Hands and ten and two
15:10Yeah, well the clock's on my phone so that doesn't make any sense
15:13Let the boy just do it his way
15:15It's my son, okay?
15:16I'll handle it how I like
15:17I'm just trying to help
15:18Okay, thanks but don't
15:20Can you, can you just sit down?
15:21Sit down
15:22Will you just sit back, all right?
15:24Get out of the way!
15:30Ah, shit
15:33Ah, thank God he's breathing
15:37Hey, we could do CPR
15:40Oh, come on!
15:42Oh, Jesus Christ
15:44You're an animal
15:45Sorry, like it was the humane thing to do, con
15:48Sorry, sorry, boy, sorry
15:50Somebody put me out of my misery
15:52We can't just, just leave him here
15:53We need to give him a proper burial
15:55Oh, you're so emotional
15:58You're definitely your mother's child
16:03Oh, my God
16:06Mommy's brain fell out
16:11Oh, my God
16:12So, we're gathered here today to celebrate the life of Rabbit De Niro
16:18He's gone but we're certainly not forgotten
16:22Uh, would anyone like to say a few words?
16:25Um
16:25Listen, when I go, keep these two boys away
16:30from me with their tears dancing and drinking that's the way you're supposed
16:35to send someone off I'll be in the car having a fag or doing it anything other
16:42than this
16:48I didn't know you too well rabbit De Niro I know you like carrots hopping
16:56around and shagging rabbits love shagging once saw a rabbit looking out a fox I'm sorry for what I did
17:08to you gone but not forgot it's good oh Danny boy the pubs the pubs are calling
17:26from glen to glen and down the mountainside
17:33the summer's gone
17:59cheer up boys you're bringing my mood down
18:03even be with you he get over it in his own time that's the problem with your
18:07generation you're too soft on your kids they don't grow up mm-hmm that what you
18:13were doing with me is this forcing me to grow up I think I was a bit young for
18:17that don't you I'm getting a bit sick of your poor me stuff you had more than I
18:23ever have you don't see me complaining all you do is complain you complain about
18:27being a mother no I don't want to talk about it yeah well I do okay you at least
18:32told me that I gave you life I was sick every day for nine months cooking you
18:38inside me what more do you want a mother oh don't be so dramatic dramatic you
18:49abandoned me you took the easy way out I didn't want a kid yeah but I didn't bail on
18:56him did I well somehow it's always about you and it's my birthday it is never
19:04about me it's literally never about me I wish for just once it was about me
19:08yelling is exhausting me I'm going to have a nap have your nap I hope you don't
19:15wake up
19:20I am I'm I might try for a nap too
19:31no please come on I'm trying to do it here all right
19:36good
19:37good
19:37good
19:41good
19:41good
19:49Give me a chance, I'm all right.
19:53Drink your drinks and eat your meats, it's part of the time.
20:05Hello.
20:07Are we glad to see you?
20:09How was it?
20:10Fine, she's still sleeping.
20:12I'm in the car, probably a drunken coma.
20:17How is she?
20:18I'm just the idiot who ruined everybody's life, so how would I know?
20:21All right, boy.
20:36Bridget.
20:37Sleepy head.
20:39Wakey, wakey, rise and shine.
20:43Bridget.
20:48Bridget, I'm Tony.
20:49Oh, Jesus.
20:51Okay.
20:51Okay, don't panic.
20:53Don't panic.
20:53Pulse.
20:55Oh shit, okay.
20:56No pulse.
20:56Maureen!
20:58Maureen!
20:59Maureen!
21:00Come quick!
21:01She's done this on purpose.
21:03She's done this on purpose.
21:03We shouldn't be doing this, we should be informing the guards.
21:06You are the guards.
21:07You are the guards.
21:07Consider yourself informed.
21:08Keep her legs up, will you?
21:10God, she's heavy!
21:12All right, you must save me.
21:14Oh God!
21:19You think I should give her a hug?
21:22The hug's not going to bring her back to life, boy, is it?
21:25No, Jack.
21:26Not her.
21:28The other one.
21:32The funeral at home said they can't come and pick her up until tomorrow.
21:38What?
21:38So like she's just staying tonight here?
21:40Yeah.
21:41Why?
21:42Do you think we'll get to eat the dinner?
21:44We have some respect, but your mum's mum is dead.
21:47I'm starving.
21:48I'll be the one dead if we won't eat soon.
21:50You know, I can hear you two idiots.
21:53Our hands are up.
21:54Yeah.
21:57We should eat.
21:58We promised her we'd throw her the best party we could, so that's what we're going to do.
22:01Love, I think you might still be in shock.
22:03She's not going to ruin the party we're throwing for her by deciding to die.
22:06I have one question.
22:08Does she still have a soul?
22:10Yeah.
22:12Or is that daddy's wife?
22:18Anybody, this is good stuff.
22:19Oh, that's so bad, you know.
22:21Yeah.
22:22Except for the prick garden stuff.
22:24Yeah.
22:24Except for that.
22:28This isn't right.
22:29It's too much salt.
22:31What?
22:31No.
22:33She's over there on her own like this is supposed to be her party.
22:41Why did I have to be the one sat next to her?
22:45Well, I'm not doing that.
22:47That's creepy, but...
22:56...a toast.
22:57To the old witch.
22:59To the old witch.
23:00Shhh.
23:02Cheers.
23:05Ready?
23:06Do you want to?
23:07Wait, wait, hold on.
23:10Have a nice day.
23:12See ya.
23:15When I passed you in the doorway, well, you took me with a glance.
23:23I should have took that last little storm, but I asked you for a dance.
23:29Now we go steady to the pictures.
23:32I always get chocolate stains on my pants.
23:36And my father, he's going crazy.
23:39He says I'm living in a trance.
23:42But I'm dancing in the moonlight.
23:45It's cut me in its spotlight.
23:48It's all right.
23:49It would definitely be a legal note.
23:51On this long hot summer night.
24:07Happy birthday, ma'am.
24:10I threw this party for you.
24:11I hope you liked us.
24:15I don't know why you did.
24:16You wouldn't have done it for me.
24:19You never did anything for me.
24:23When I had Connor, I was all alone.
24:25And you weren't there for me.
24:29All I needed was someone to talk to and tell me everything was going to be all right.
24:38It's all I needed and you weren't there for me.
24:42And I miss my ma'am.
24:44And I love my ma'am.
24:47Can I just wish you loved me back?
24:57I'm so sorry I was a shit ma'am.
24:59Oh no, don't say that.
25:02I was scared and I was young.
25:06I love you so much.
25:07I'd never have it any other way, you know that.
25:12You did your best, ma'am.
25:14You always did your best.
25:18And you know what?
25:19In some way, I'd say she did too.
25:28I was better than her though, wasn't I?
25:30Oh yeah, way better.
25:34To Bridget's.
25:35Is that my ear?
25:37To Bridget.
25:39And to Marie.
25:41Yeah.
25:42Right?
25:43To Marie.
25:56You always know I wasn't about to sparkle.
26:00Wait, wait, wait.
26:02Let Healy get it.
26:07Even the bomb going off wouldn't work that man.
26:09One thing about being a man, is that once you are one, it never ends.
26:14And a job that never ends, that's got to be the toughest job in the world.
26:19Right.
26:20See Granny.
26:22So just maybe, we should give all mothers a break.
26:25Because even the ones that do jump ship, they've already done more work than any man.
26:30They deserve a rest.
26:31Rest in peace Granny Bridget.
26:34Rest in peace Granny Bridget.
26:36We'll see you next time.
26:37We'll see you next time.
26:45Bye.
26:52Bye.
26:54Bye.
26:55Bye.
27:04Bye.
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