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The Young Offenders (2016) Season 5 Episode 3
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TVTranscript
00:06There was an old wise man who I met in prison.
00:09Well, he couldn't be that wise because he was in prison.
00:11But he warned me that the hardest thing about being locked up
00:14isn't the thought of where you are, it's the thought of where you're not.
00:18It's knowing that life outside is continuing on without you.
00:21And that the girl of your dreams is now the girl of some other prick's dreams.
00:25Linda is getting married to Gavin fucking Madigan.
00:30But, after a lot of soul-searching, I decided that I was going to be the bigger man.
00:35For better or worse, she was going to stay completely loyal and faithful to him
00:39for the rest of their entire life.
00:47Jesus, mate. Looking good, kid.
00:49I hope it lashes rain on the way to the wedding and that the whole place is flooded.
00:54Oh, yeah, well, you see what you're saying, didn't you?
00:56Then Gavin's driving along and his tire hits a puddle and he acoplates and he crashes
01:01and he's paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life
01:03and he's to talk using one of those machines.
01:06Oh, I'm Gavin Madigan and it's nice to meet you.
01:10Jeezy, boy.
01:11It's a little bit dark, no?
01:13Oh, sorry. I thought that was the direction we were going.
01:16I hope he doesn't die, like, just gets bruised up a bit.
01:19Yeah, you can throw the suits on.
01:20Yeah, come on.
01:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:25Oh, look at you. Don't you look lovely.
01:29Oh, I need a hug.
01:32What's this?
01:32Oh, Conor, for God's sake.
01:34They must have forgotten to take the tag off in the shop.
01:38We bothered him.
01:39You're on probation. Do you want to go back to jail?
01:41No.
01:44What'll we do?
01:45Go on, get the good scissors quickly.
01:46Eric.
01:53Do you think it's a good idea you go into this wedding today?
01:55Linda invited me, like, so...
01:57Look, Conor, I know this is hard to hear, but you will find your someone.
02:02What if I've already found my someone, but I'm not her someone?
02:11What's this, stolen goods?
02:12Jesus Christ, Tony, can you not be a guard for one day in your life?
02:15Mom and Healy were in that phase of their relationship all couples go through.
02:19Oh, I'll just go and see the null, so will I?
02:21The hating each other phase.
02:22Do you know what?
02:23That would be lovely, because he probably wouldn't even recognise you at the moment.
02:27Healy was working a lot of triple overtime to pay for nappies and nipple cream.
02:30All right, I'll just turn a blind eye to whatever it is I'm supposed to be turning a blind eye
02:34to, so will I?
02:35Jesus Christ.
02:36I'll just go and see the rest, but deep down, love was still in the air.
02:39Wanker.
02:42Try that.
02:45All right, thanks, Leigh's bag.
02:48No, no, no, wait, uh, uh, Claire, sit down for a second.
02:52Um...
02:52What? What?
02:53Nothing, just...
03:02You didn't notice a bit?
03:03Eh, you'd have to be really looking for it.
03:06Here, they're after leaving the security tag on the blazer.
03:10God's sake, they're after doing the same to mine, Jock.
03:13I need something else now.
03:14Hand it over, Jock.
03:15Thanks to me and Mireille, cheers.
03:17Um, here, I've got to head over to Siobhan's there.
03:20I want to see, eh, I want to see Starr in the flower girl costume.
03:22Is this one of your unsupervised access days?
03:25Eh, no, but...
03:26Something tells me, eh, Siobhan won't be ringing her solicitor today.
03:31Well, you know what they say about weddings.
03:33No.
03:34What do they make women horny, like?
03:37She's like they're doing nothing for me.
03:39Oh, fierce horny, Mireille.
03:41Yeah.
03:42If I'm going to get back with Siobhan, this is my big chance, like,
03:44so wish me luck, yeah?
03:45All right, Jock.
03:46Go on.
03:46Good luck.
03:47Thanks.
03:49Morning, girl.
04:14Morning.
04:15Shit!
04:17You need to go now.
04:19I, I, I, I have them.
04:20I have them.
04:22Hand just, eh.
04:23Okay.
04:23Oh, shit.
04:24Eh, you can't go down there.
04:26You have to go through the window.
04:27The window?
04:28Yeah.
04:29Are you having a nap?
04:31What's wrong with us on the floor?
04:32Like, I'm not...
04:33Okay, I'm going.
04:35Oh, shit.
04:35Just go.
04:36Just go.
04:43Just go.
04:45Handsome Dan, the painter man.
04:47Yeah, boy, I'm telling you.
04:48You sure?
04:49What do you mean by sure?
04:50I know his arse as well as I know my own face.
04:54Handsome once posed for an ad for hemorrhoid cream.
04:56The billboard company went bust, which meant the poster stayed up for three years
05:00and became one of Cork's biggest tourist attractions.
05:04Fair play to her, Lee.
05:05What are you on about, Con?
05:06His name is Handsome Dan, Jock.
05:08He's gorgeous.
05:10Oi, you're not getting what I'm telling you.
05:12If she's shagging Handsome Dan the night before her wedding,
05:15it means she obviously doesn't want to marry Gavin Madigan.
05:17It's a proxy ride.
05:19A proxy ride?
05:21A proxy ride, okay?
05:23Yeah, sure, she might have gotten up on Dan,
05:25but she was thinking about you by the whole time.
05:28Wait, so...
05:32She's thinking about me?
05:33Yes, you, boy.
05:34She's still in love with you.
05:36This was going to be my last chance to win Linda back.
05:39And what's more of a romantic place to do it than a wedding?
05:42Her wedding.
05:43There's half a sausage just to left your fork there, are there?
05:46Right, this sausage is going to sort me out now.
05:50Oh, she's sick.
05:51I'm done.
05:52Bart, take it away from me.
05:55Why'd you have that?
05:57Just to tape her Auntie Linda into her dress.
05:59Don't want her tits spilling over when she's saying her I do's.
06:01Okay, girls, 40 minutes and we head to the church, yeah?
06:04Well, we're not going to the church, remember?
06:06You know what I mean.
06:07It's a great idea, Gabon,
06:08to have the wedding in the place where you two first met.
06:11He's too tight to spend his own money is what he's saying.
06:13Well, I think it's mad romantic.
06:15Let's try and get him even.
06:18I don't want one for mine.
06:19The other one in Charlevoort.
06:29Time to him.
06:34Time to him.
06:37Time to him.
06:43Time to him.
06:43You all right there, lads, yeah?
06:45I don't know.
06:46I have a question for you.
06:48Conor has a question.
06:51I am.
06:51Yeah, Conor has a...
06:53I just want to ask, did you have sex with Linda Walsh last night at the inn?
06:56Yeah, come on now, lads.
06:58Know yourselves.
06:59A gentleman never tells.
07:01Yeah, but if you did sleep with her,
07:03I just want you to know she was probably thinking of someone else the whole time.
07:06Yeah.
07:07Now that you say it, she actually did keep shouting out some other lads name the whole night.
07:12Well, you should have heard her.
07:13She was all...
07:16Oh, Jesus Christ.
07:18Oh, Jesus Christ.
07:20Oh, Jesus Christ.
07:22Look, whatever happened between you and Linda, all right?
07:24She's still in love with kind, all right?
07:26And now she's going to marry some other fella.
07:28All right, cool.
07:30So what's up with me, like?
07:30We want you to come to the wedding and tell Gavin Madigan that you slept with Linda.
07:34What, and humiliate her?
07:36Yeah.
07:36Yeah.
07:36It's one of all of her friends and family?
07:38Exactly.
07:38Yeah, if you don't mind.
07:40Do we, we should be ashamed of yourselves?
07:41Yeah.
07:42Yeah, the answer's no.
07:43Get lost.
07:45I hate to admit it, but maybe Hanson was right.
07:49He was more than just a six pack and a cute ass.
07:52Can all wedding guests please be seated in the assembly hall?
07:57He was getting married at a school.
08:00Cheapest thing I ever heard in my life.
08:01It's all garb of Madigan.
08:04It was time to bow out gracefully.
08:09So the better man won in the end, huh?
08:11It's not a competition, Lee.
08:12Of course it was a competition.
08:14And I wiped your eye for you.
08:17A wedding doesn't count if it's in a school.
08:21I think that's actually true, you know.
08:23Would you look at the state of them?
08:27Would you stop being such a snob?
08:30It's amazing what you can find in a charity shop if you're not fussy.
08:35One sec.
08:38Oh, you heart ale, like your hat.
08:43Siobhan would like you to sit next to her for the mass.
08:46Really?
08:48Don't mind what Barry thinks.
08:51As Linda said, you're star's daddy, which makes you family.
08:56Yeah.
08:57Ah, thanks.
08:57Come on.
08:58All right, Con.
09:00Smile wouldn't kill you.
09:02Why do I get horny to hear?
09:11The rumour is this could be Father Rooney's last mass.
09:14It's supposed to be going through a crisis of faith.
09:23It's supposed to be going through a crisis of faith.
09:46It's supposed to be a struggle in Bishopstown.
09:47Yeah.
09:48Well, there's nothing wrong with not wanting those spring rolls every night for the rest of your life.
09:52What?
09:53You've lost us.
09:54Last night?
09:56You fancied the spring rolls from Walk This Way in Tokar.
09:59And there's no shame in that.
10:02I'm going to be sick.
10:04I'm going to get sick.
10:11Siobhan, the caterer said the money is non-refundable.
10:13Piss off, guys.
10:16I'm good.
10:17I'm good.
10:19I'm fine.
10:24Oi.
10:25Try to control yourself when we're saying the vote.
10:28Last thing we need on video is to sound you blubbing your eyes out.
10:32Billy thinks weddings are like funerals.
10:34You can just turn up, pay your respects, and get free booze and sandwiches.
10:40Billy.
10:41Why do you let him talk to you like that?
10:43I'm not letting him.
10:45It's his day, all right?
10:47Like he said, he won.
10:49Won?
10:49Is that what this is all about?
10:51Winning?
10:52I thought it was about love.
10:54Do you still love her?
10:55Of course I love her.
10:57She doesn't love him.
11:00Why, she slept with handsome Dan Fogarty at the hen last night.
11:03She did what?
11:06Look, as much as I love a good Valavan, I think we're going to have to cancel this wedding.
11:11And how do you suppose we do that, Billy?
11:13I suppose we could drag handsome Dan in here and he can confess in front of the whole congregation.
11:18I tried that. He said no. I asked.
11:20That's your big mistake. You asked him.
11:24Are you okay?
11:26No, Billy. I'm really sad.
11:28Okay.
11:31God, he is so intense.
11:33I just don't want to hurt Gavin's feelings.
11:35That's the worst reason to get married.
11:38Especially when it's stopping you from getting what your heart really wants.
11:41He's a good person, Siobhan.
11:43If he's a good person, he'll understand that you want to go back to your first love.
11:49You heard what Dad said. Everything is paid for now.
11:53Sir, you ready to be a flower girl?
11:56Yay!
12:11We would have been on time if you hadn't stopped at every orange light.
12:15Arr, on time. We're here before the bride.
12:17Oh, yeah. No, thanks to you.
12:20I can't believe we got overtaken by a mobility scooter.
12:22Could you maybe stop him crying?
12:24Oh, will I switch him to flight mode, will I?
12:26Just take him outside.
12:27Oh, maybe you should take him outside.
12:29Oh, Jesus.
12:39In you, Pop.
12:41Please, one.
12:42Look, I'm not going to hurt you, fingers crossed.
12:46I'm just going to bring you to this wedding,
12:48and you're going to tell everyone how you rode the bride last night.
12:51All right, just mind my ass going in. It's the money maker, all right?
12:55You're not claustrophobic, are you?
12:57No.
12:58No.
12:58You might be after this.
13:02Do you notice they all have the same tash?
13:06Yeah.
13:07They're like the three musketeers.
13:09Except there's four of them always coming.
13:14Can we have a quick chat?
13:17A quick chat?
13:18About what?
13:21Somewhere in private.
13:35Listen.
13:39I want to say I'm sorry.
13:43For being such an asshole to you just now.
13:45Is this some sort of joke, like?
13:47I was standing on the altar and
13:49it dawned on me that.
13:52I should be thanking you.
13:53For why?
13:55Because you'll be something I'll never be.
13:59It's Linda's first love.
14:02And you know, she said to me, she wouldn't have fell in love with me, if you didn't teach her
14:08to love in the first place.
14:10Linda, Linda said that.
14:11I'm sorry.
14:13Would you do me a favour?
14:17Would you do the readings for us?
14:21I know we mean a lot to Linda.
14:24Oh, Garvin, the whole thing.
14:32For the second time that day, I realised that humiliating Linda in front of her family and friends might not
14:39be the right thing to do.
14:40Billy, I changed my mind.
14:45Careful now, I don't want to hurt you.
14:47Whoa, here we go.
14:51I'll tell you something.
14:52You're going to get your steps in today.
15:05That's a really long car.
15:10What's that about?
15:12It's great.
15:14She's here.
15:17It's going to be okay.
15:23Oh, Jesus Christ.
15:34And remember, the least any of us deserve is to be happy.
15:38Thanks, Vaughan.
15:44Come on.
15:48Pretty name, I can't remember.
15:54Are they going to do community like this?
15:58Wait.
16:01I'm hungry here.
16:09This is so great.
16:10I'll be like an earthly tremor forever and ever.
16:15First love's date with you forever, ever.
16:19Here you go.
16:24Lord, you're going to meet me.
16:28The way to school I tried to meet you.
16:50And I know you're not used to me giving you advice.
16:55But you found your someone.
16:58I don't want you to mess it up like I did.
17:03You should go get him.
17:07Not now.
17:09Go after him.
17:12We're gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Gavin Madigan, Linda Walsh.
17:19Great.
17:20Yeah, first reading.
17:21Who is for the first reading?
17:26First reading.
17:29Connor.
17:30Is it Connor?
17:31Are we Connor?
17:33Are you the first reading?
17:35Are we the first?
17:35Yeah, stand up.
17:36Yeah.
17:36And then, go on.
17:37Go on.
17:39What's yours?
17:40Here he is.
17:40Very good.
17:41Here.
17:42Very good.
17:42Yeah.
17:43Lovely.
17:46What's it?
17:47Yeah.
17:51Sorry, I'm not going to read the whole thing.
17:55Okay.
17:58Hey, Linda said you have a mickey on you like a bucket of polos.
18:07And can you please get a move on?
18:10I'm playing golf at three.
18:11Public speaking isn't my strong point, but I was going to nail this.
18:14For Linda.
18:15The first reading, a reading from a book of, or sorry, the book.
18:22What's wrong with you?
18:23Come on, Guy.
18:24You can't read, is it?
18:25I can read.
18:26I'm just a bit dyslexic.
18:27Well, just make it up and say anything.
18:32Do I speak with the tongues of men and of angels?
18:39Angels.
18:40I am, ain't dash.
18:42Angels.
18:44Hey.
18:45But have not, love.
18:46I have become.
18:49Brass.
18:51And a resounding.
18:53Gong.
18:54Is a resounding gong all right?
19:07I'm sorry. I wanted to be happy for Linda, but I can get a bit hormonal at weddings and
19:12it has a tendency to mess with my decision-making process. But fuck it. Back to the old plan.
19:17It's okay now there's gonna be an answer from you and it won't for me.
19:24Connor! Billy, I changed my mind again.
19:28Okay. Operation Handsome Hand Grenade is a go-go!
19:34Every other hour that I spend with you is not the least a bit sad.
19:39But the opposite, in fact, and if you don't believe me is the proof.
19:43Ask me if I and they'll say I do.
19:46Dan, Dan, Dan. Change your plan. Mind your head.
19:53And now before Gavin and Linda make their solemn commitment to each other,
19:57they've written their own vows, which they're now going to recite to each other.
20:02I've got mine on my phone. Brilliant.
20:06Shit. What?
20:08It's asking for a software update. I'm after saying yes.
20:12Why didn't you just print them out? I don't know.
20:15It's the only one always saying we're living in a paperless world.
20:18Do you not, like, I don't know, remember them?
20:22Three guesses as to who's singing this.
20:25I don't know.
20:26No.
20:27Your ma.
20:28No.
20:30Go on, have another guess.
20:31Is it Daniel actually?
20:32Gilbert O'Sullivan.
20:34He's actually from Waterford.
20:36What could it be?
20:43It won't take long. Look, it's initialising.
20:51Where's Billy?
20:54Look at this prick with ears.
20:57There's nobody on the road.
21:02Look, come here.
21:03I've got somewhere I've got to be.
21:05Chop, chop.
21:06All right, lad.
21:06I'm only messing with you.
21:08Go on.
21:08Go ahead.
21:09In your own time.
21:15I'm sorry about this.
21:16It took me hours to write them.
21:19And there's a little bit of something in there for everyone.
21:22Cries.
21:24Laughters.
21:24Lyric hair chases are.
21:26Well, they're all on tender hooks, I'm sure.
21:29It's 80%.
21:30You'll be cutting the cake when we get there.
21:33Shut up, you!
21:36Steve McQueen.
21:37Fuck.
21:38All right.
21:39Tell your therapist I said hello!
21:42What's happening, Shakespeare?
21:44It's the Wheel of Death.
21:46I think it's frozen.
21:47We're gonna leave the vows.
21:49Well, that's ruined everyone's day, I'm sure.
21:52Right, let's zip through this.
21:53Right.
21:54Gavin, Jimmy Barry, Madigan, do you take Linda Anastasia Walsh to be your lawfully wedded wife, sickness and health, up
22:00and down, death be apart?
22:01I do.
22:02Great.
22:03Linda, do you take Gavin, lawfully wedded husband, sickness and health, rest your days?
22:07I...
22:13I...
22:14Say yes.
22:16Stop this travesty!
22:21When I saw Linda's face, I realised the desperate lengths that love had driven me to.
22:26Oh, mother of God, who's this now?
22:30It's Dan Fogarty.
22:32He's a good looking fella, isn't he?
22:34Yeah.
22:34Yeah.
22:35And he's got something to tell you.
22:37Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
22:42Dan, you can go home.
22:44Cool.
22:44Yeah.
22:45But I brought him for you, Con.
22:46Are you the fella from the poster?
22:48What is he doing here?
22:50He had sex with the bride last night.
22:53He what?
22:53Fuck.
22:56No, he didn't.
22:57Sure, how could he?
22:59He was with me, all night.
23:02Come on, playing cards, like, there.
23:05You don't have to lie for me, Con.
23:08I'm so sorry, Gavin.
23:10Was it the full ride?
23:13Because I'm over the brach and I can forgive.
23:15I don't want your forgiveness.
23:18I...
23:18I don't want to marry you.
23:24I thought I did, but then I realised I wasn't being true to myself.
23:28And what I want more than anything in this whole world
23:32is to be with my first true love.
23:36You're not talking about that fucking lang ball, are you?
23:38Yeah?
23:39I am.
23:41Dolphins.
23:43Dolphins?
23:44Yeah.
23:45I want to go to UCC and study marine science.
23:49Thought you were going to say me there, Linda.
23:50Then I'm going to work with an NGO and clairs all the plastic
23:53from the Pacific Ocean.
23:54You really thought you were going to say me?
23:56I'm sorry.
23:57To both of you.
24:00But you were holding me back.
24:02Did anyone else think she was going to say me?
24:05Ah, right.
24:06Well, I'm teeing off at 3.30.
24:07Good luck.
24:10Sorry.
24:12Are you sure, love?
24:16Well...
24:17Is the software update finished?
24:20You shouldn't even worry about the nice things that I had to say,
24:22like it's...
24:24to be wasted on someone like you.
24:28They were all wrote by ChatGPT anyway.
24:38Hey.
24:47Look, I know you've been working really hard and...
24:49Yeah, to provide for our child's future.
24:51I know, but I'm saying you don't have to.
24:53I've already raised a son.
24:55I did it by myself without a penny to my name.
24:57He turned out all right, didn't he?
24:58Yeah, is that the one who's just done three years in prison?
25:01Yeah, that's a fair point.
25:05Look, all I'm saying is,
25:06what kind of future is our little boy going to have
25:08if his mother and father are strangers to each other?
25:12Yeah, I suppose it is a bit early to start thinking about
25:14which college to send him to.
25:19Keep him alive, show him love, that's the job.
25:21Everything else you just make up as you go along.
25:32Are we going to this wedding then?
25:34Oh, the wedding's off.
25:36It's off?
25:38Long story.
25:41Maybe you and me could go home while he's asleep.
25:45Guess it's true what they say about weddings.
25:54Yeah.
25:59This is so fucking fun.
26:01Oh, yeah?
26:01It was my fault.
26:02The only one that told Billy to find an answer to the church.
26:05To the church?
26:05Boy, that's hardly a church.
26:06You were too stingy to have bought real with.
26:08Ah, she was out of your league anyway.
26:11I love you, Linda.
26:12I love you more.
26:18Out of his league, is it?
26:19Well, it's true.
26:21Hasn't he got a good job
26:21in an apartment and pensionable?
26:23We pay for half of this wedding, all right?
26:25Oh, and you can sing for us.
26:27Oh, yeah.
26:27Clatter him back.
26:29Oh.
26:29Clatter him back.
26:30Being married to a scout teacher
26:32isn't the end of everyone's rainbow, you know?
26:34Well, neither has being married to a slapper.
26:37Yes.
26:38You're never going to get married again, boy.
26:40I'll get married to myself.
26:41Yeah, is that right?
26:41Yeah?
26:42What?
26:42What do you want?
26:43What do you want?
26:50What do you want?
26:56What do you want?
26:58What do you want?
26:58Oh, try this king!
27:01Oh my God, I understand.
27:01What do you want?
27:01Back to my wife!
27:03Wait, what do you want?
27:03I can't stop.
27:05I can't stop you.
27:05You could come out with for me.
27:07What do you want?
27:08Ah, come on, mate.
27:09Oh, take me on!
27:09Ah, come on, come on, come on.
27:12Let's go.
27:15OK.
27:29We're not still!
27:31Keep playing for a crack when it kicks like that!
27:33Come in and fuck that around again!
27:37We're not still!
27:39There's the boys!
27:42In the end, no one got what they wanted, except for Linda.
27:46And she won.
27:48The day didn't turn out the way any of us imagined it would.
27:52Except Jock was right what he said.
27:55Weddings really do make women horny.
28:23But he liked him.
28:26The second single song was like our world at school.
28:30I peuvent in touch with peanuts and juice I know.
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