- 3 hours ago
The Young Offenders (2016) Season 5 Episode 6
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:08The Silly Pigeon
00:09People always say you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends.
00:14And then you can get your friends to look after your family.
00:18The Silly Pigeon had run away forever and leave everybody behind.
00:23This made him a sad Silly Pigeon.
00:27It's a bit grim, no?
00:29I am, eh.
00:30Pam got it for me when Dad died, so I'd understand.
00:32You know someone is a proper friend when they're there for you when you need them the most.
00:37Everyone needs a friend.
00:42Why?
00:43Why?
00:44Where's mine?
00:46I only had enough money for one, so we're gonna have to share.
00:48I'm so sick of this place, like.
00:51Cork is just a dead end.
00:53We're broke, we can't get jobs.
00:56We're still living at home with my annoying mime dickhead guard in the house.
01:00We can't even get any sleep because that baby crying all the time.
01:04We always said we need to get out of this place and thrive.
01:08But here we are, still, years later, sharing a lolly.
01:11But what about Star?
01:12But you don't even have access to her.
01:14If you go abroad and make shit loads of money, you can prove yourself and be a proper dad.
01:19You'll never be able to do that here.
01:21No, you are right, you are right.
01:23I just, I obviously had to ask her or else I wouldn't be a good dad.
01:26All right, where do we go?
01:28All right.
01:30Tenerife.
01:31Tenerife.
01:31Tenerife.
01:31Think about it, boy.
01:32It's like going on holidays, but you never have to come home.
01:34Yeah.
01:34And you could work in the sun, boy.
01:36And smoke cheap fags in Ireland.
01:37Exactly, boy.
01:38Can you imagine living on an island?
01:42That would be unbelievable, boy.
01:44Tenerife's class.
01:45Surrounded by water.
01:46It's unreal.
01:47Here, we've got an announcement to me.
01:49All right.
01:49We are moving to Tenerife.
01:57That's a great idea.
01:58Aw, thanks, Healy.
01:59No, it's not.
02:01You wouldn't your hole survive in Tenerife?
02:03It's better than surviving in this shithole.
02:05We might actually thrive in Tenerife.
02:07All right.
02:08Conor, you can't go anywhere.
02:09The farther you go from this house, the more trouble you get in.
02:12You belong here.
02:13Even I have come to terms with that.
02:15All right?
02:16Can you do that somewhere else?
02:18No, I can't.
02:19All right?
02:19I'm up against Lara Gibson for this promotion.
02:22And she is perfect.
02:24Not in a woman way.
02:25In a guard way.
02:28All right.
02:29How you get there?
02:31What's the story?
02:32Is there a car?
02:33Conor there.
02:34Back, Billy.
02:35All right, boy.
02:39Oh!
02:42What was that for?
02:43For being a shit friend.
02:45What did you hit me for?
02:46Good to you by association.
02:48I got stuck in the floor of my house for two days.
02:51Two fucking days!
03:07Help!
03:09Is there anybody there?
03:12It's not funny.
03:13It's not funny.
03:14Don't laugh.
03:15I almost soiled myself.
03:18I could have died on my own.
03:22And you didn't even show up for me.
03:24Billy, since when is it my responsibility to check if you're alive or not if I haven't seen you?
03:28Since we're friends, you'd show up for him though.
03:30Yeah, that's different.
03:31We always know where each other are so that would be impossible.
03:34Billy, why are you here?
03:35Did you come here just to punch us or I?
03:37No!
03:38Look, I've got this big job on and I was going to offer you first refusal because we're friends.
03:46We are still friends, aren't we?
03:48Yeah, we're still friends.
03:49It's just...
03:50I have a heist.
03:52It's in a whiskey distillery.
03:54Some of the bottles are sold for 20,000 euros each.
03:5720 grand?
03:58Holy shit.
03:59And they make a shit ton of them.
04:00They wouldn't even know if some of them weren't missing.
04:02And as far as the job is concerned, a fucking monkey could do it.
04:06That's what I thought of you.
04:07Well, I'm not a monkey.
04:08I'm a premier.
04:09No, but honestly, it's the easiest money you're ever going to make.
04:12Aye.
04:13We're in.
04:15Yeah.
04:15We're in.
04:16We?
04:17Yeah, we.
04:18There's no we.
04:19Oh, he comes swanning back in like a, like a, like a fucking swan.
04:25No, no, no, no.
04:26Two-man job.
04:27Me, you.
04:28Billy, I'm not doing it unless Jack's involved.
04:30That's the plan.
04:30We're walking.
04:32All right, but I don't want to hear nothing from you about an equal split.
04:36All right.
04:3833%, that's it.
04:39Each.
04:40Yeah, grand.
04:41Not a chance, Billy.
04:42That's not fair at all.
04:43Yeah, no.
04:45That's it.
04:47Very funny.
04:47What do you mean?
04:54It's quite, really.
04:55I'm fairly nervous.
04:56I was only doing the hand thing.
04:58Yeah, it's kind of our thing, all right?
04:59All right.
05:01Let's go to work.
05:04Come on, Jack.
05:05Is it great?
05:06I'll say it again.
05:07I have a cousin who's working on the inside, and he's going to sneak us in like the Greeks
05:15did with that big Trojan horse thingy in Troy.
05:18Oh, yeah.
05:18What was that called again?
05:20Big, sneaky, wooden horse of Troy.
05:23Oh, yeah.
05:23Okay.
05:24What we're looking for are these beauties.
05:29Kilvara.
05:3050-year-old triple distilled whiskey.
05:34Very, very rare.
05:37That's for 20 grand.
05:38Once we have these, we get changed in to the security guard uniforms that my cousin has stashed for us.
05:47Then, we set off the fire alarm, and we just walk out the door in all the confusion.
05:54What's going on here?
05:56Oh, what's going on here?
05:57Nothing.
05:58We're, um...
05:59Just playing chess.
06:00Yeah.
06:00They learn chess.
06:01With condiments.
06:03No, with these, um, guys.
06:05Queen to C4 will be the next one.
06:07Yes.
06:07No, you can't.
06:08Fuck.
06:09Sorry, no.
06:12Have you got it?
06:13I think we're escaping this.
06:14One more time.
06:16All right.
06:17It sort of felt like we were in Ocean's Eleven.
06:20I haven't seen the first ten, but they made it look kind of sexy.
06:24Instead, we were in the dark, getting rolled around in old barrels, and ended up with a lot of splinters
06:28in our holes.
06:32All right.
06:33All right.
06:34All right.
06:35All right.
06:35All right.
06:36All right.
06:36All right.
06:37All right.
06:44Are you serious?
06:45Oh, shit.
06:47In and out.
06:48Easiest money you'll ever earn.
06:49A monkey could do it.
06:50Don't blame me.
06:51What do you mean?
06:51My cousin said the alarm was going to be deactivated all day Wednesday.
06:55Boy, it's Tuesday.
06:57It's hardly a foolproof plan, all right, Billy?
06:59You calling me a fool?
07:01Hello?
07:02Go, go, go, go, go.
07:07Hello?
07:09Who's there?
07:14Come out now.
07:16I have a taser.
07:18A taser?
07:19I know you're there.
07:20I can hear you.
07:23I can smell you.
07:25There's no point in hiding like a chicken shit.
07:28Who are you calling a chicken shit?
07:31Gosh.
07:33Right!
07:34Hey!
07:35Better have your taser.
07:41Come on, boy.
07:42Come on, boy.
07:42Come on, boy.
07:45Come on.
07:45We needed a change of plan.
07:47And if there's one thing me and Jock can do, it's blend in.
07:50Don't be afraid of going to get properly...
07:55stuck into it.
07:56Wow.
07:57Everyone knows Americans can't drink till they're 21,
07:59so they have to come over here to learn how to do it properly.
08:02They've got to learn from the best, I suppose.
08:06Excuse me?
08:07This is a private tour for our American guests.
08:13Well, fully aware that it is a private tour, sir.
08:19My, uh, my friend and I here are Americans.
08:22What?
08:23That right, Kyle.
08:27G'day, man.
08:29I needed a guy for a piece, so I'll go a little loose,
08:32but back now.
08:34You're what?
08:35I can't do Americans.
08:37Just go in there, eh?
08:38Please, continue.
08:40Can you hurry up?
08:41We're going to the Blarney Stone early in the morning.
08:43Yeah, yeah.
08:44Always Blarney, isn't it?
08:47So we're going to take a sip.
08:49I can't finish you two pricks ran off and left me trapped in there.
08:54You know, there's no point blaming it, you know, is it?
08:56Attention, there's been a break-in.
08:58Be on the lookout for three men acting sufficiently.
09:01We need to move out of here as quickly as we possibly can.
09:11Excusez-moi.
09:14Do you have a description?
09:15Yes.
09:16Two in their twenties and one in their fifties.
09:19Fifties?
09:20I'm in my prime fucking prick.
09:22Copy that.
09:23That's them all right.
09:23They're on the tour.
09:25No, no.
09:25The guards are outside.
09:26Okay.
09:28Everybody be cool.
09:30Put your heads up in the air!
09:31That's a twenty-year-old triple distilled single pot whiskey.
09:35Is that one of the good wines?
09:37Yeah.
09:38Where to keep the shitter wines?
09:40Middle shelf there.
09:47Jack, you take this one.
09:49Hands in the air!
09:51Do I move?
09:52Do I move?
09:52Hands up!
09:53Hands up.
09:54Relax.
09:56Keep your hands up.
09:57Yeah.
09:59Operation nap time complete.
10:02Oh.
10:06Conor and Jack are out and the baby's asleep.
10:10And we have the whole house to ourselves.
10:12Great, isn't it?
10:12Yeah.
10:15I'm going to polish my baton.
10:16Maybe I can polish your baton for you.
10:19Nah, you're grand.
10:20It's a specific technique.
10:21You kind of got to do these little circles, otherwise you get...
10:23For a guard, you are really bad at taking cues.
10:27Do you want to write?
10:28Yeah.
10:29Of course.
10:30Yeah.
10:31Developing scenes here in Cork this evening as a robbery turns into a hostage situation.
10:37Three male suspects are holding a group of tourists hostage.
10:40Love, there are thousands of criminals in Cork, okay?
10:43Not every crime is Conor and Jack.
10:45Yeah.
10:45I remember it's been paranoid.
10:47The CCTV footage from the scene shows the suspects.
10:50They have now been identified as Conor McQueen.
10:53Tony!
10:54Oh, great.
10:57Look, Mum!
10:58Dad's on the telly!
10:59Jesus Christ!
11:01He's been out for five minutes!
11:08I'm so scared.
11:10I'm so scared!
11:11I'm so scared!
11:11The guardie!
11:12We have you surrounded!
11:13Look!
11:14They're going to want to negotiate!
11:16The most important thing is, we don't let them get in our heads!
11:20Conor, my name is Sergeant Gibson.
11:23No, let me talk to him, right?
11:25You're too emotional, aren't you?
11:28Fine, yeah, fine, go.
11:30Okay.
11:33All right.
11:34Conor speaking.
11:36Go ahead, Conor.
11:38I just wanted to get to Tenerife, all right?
11:40I didn't know this was going to happen.
11:41I just broke the cheekbone.
11:43I didn't mean to...
11:44Relax, relax.
11:45If they hear fear in your voice, they're going to know.
11:48They're going to think we're amateurs.
11:50Well, we are amateurs.
11:52What they're going to need is clear and precise demands.
11:56And then they're going to run in here and kill every one of us.
12:00Not all of us.
12:05Stay with me, Conor.
12:07Are you still there?
12:08Conor again.
12:10We have some very clear and precise demands.
12:14We would like...
12:17Three.
12:22And three motorbikes as well.
12:24That's going to take time to organise, Conor.
12:28No, but that's a good thing, that's a good thing.
12:29Say more weird shit.
12:30They'll buy us time.
12:31We want three cork jerseys and...
12:35A portable tree.
12:36A portable tree.
12:37House.
12:38A portable tree house.
12:40Yeah.
12:40And a plane to get us out of here.
12:41That can land on water.
12:42One of those planes that can land on water.
12:44So you can land like near an island.
12:46Yeah.
12:46The one's in kind of Indiana's wine.
12:49I'll see what I can do.
12:50But in the meantime, as a sign of good faith,
12:54I'm going to need you to release two hostages, Conor.
12:57Just give him two of the most unhealthy-looking ones.
13:09I got here as soon as I could.
13:13Right.
13:13The little one trusts me now, and he's scared.
13:15I'm in his head.
13:16Good work, Sergeant Gibson.
13:17What can I do to help?
13:19You can start by standing on the other side of that tape.
13:21He can't be involved considering it's conflict of interest.
13:24I don't have conflicted interests.
13:26Two of the three suspects live with you.
13:28One of them is your stepson.
13:30If those two boys were curry, your arthole would be burning.
13:33Yeah, I can't eat curry, so the joke's on you, Gibson.
13:37She's right.
13:37Stand down.
13:38He's not my stepson, okay?
13:40He's my wife's fuck-up of a son, all right?
13:41That's just an unfortunate circumstance.
13:43My priority is my job.
13:45The missus doesn't look too happy to hear that.
13:51Nice, Tony.
13:52Maria, I didn't mean that, okay?
13:59Come here, come here.
14:00I was thinking, okay?
14:01I've seen this thing on the telly, right?
14:03Where people fall in love with their kidnappers, okay?
14:05It's called Stockdown Syndrome, right?
14:07I'm supposed to live a bit old to be trying to get the shift.
14:10What?
14:10No, not the shift, Gili, boy.
14:12I'm saying if we can get them to like us, boy.
14:14Surely that's a good thing.
14:16Get them on our side.
14:17Carefully, how can we get them to like us?
14:20At the same point, all Irish people get foreigners to like them.
14:41Billy's uncle is actually Michael Collins.
14:44Yeah, but not the Michael Collins.
14:47Michael Collins, he used to have a chipper on barracks, right?
14:51You are my southern belle.
14:55My stepmom's aunt is from Donegal.
14:59So you are Irish?
15:03I love Ireland.
15:04It's so beautiful.
15:06It's a bit shit when you don't have any money.
15:08Come on, that's everywhere, sweetie.
15:10Donate ever no more.
15:12What if you didn't move here so?
15:14Well, you know, it's not home.
15:16Home is where you feel safe and complete.
15:20Besides, the water here gives me the squirts.
15:23Same.
15:24USA!
15:25USA!
15:27USA!
15:28Very real!
15:29Very real!
15:31Hey!
15:32What a chance, boy!
15:33That was the 20 grand bottle, you idiot!
15:36What?
15:36It sure doesn't taste like 20 grand.
15:39He wouldn't have used that one if you had told him, all right?
15:41Just relax.
15:42You just...
15:43Meant to be like, I will remember, calm down.
15:45You just cost me 20 grand.
15:48Oh, why did I drag you two along?
15:51We didn't ask to come here, all right?
15:52You invited us.
15:54I was being a good friend, and look where that got me.
15:57Oh, a friend.
15:57Why, you throw punches around like it's confetti, all right?
16:00You're the worst friend I've ever had.
16:02You forgot all about me when he swanned back into town,
16:06and then you just mess up my heist.
16:09I'm not the one who triggered the alarm,
16:11because I can't tell the difference between Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
16:14Watch it.
16:14Oh, watch it, or what, boy?
16:16Oh, let me guess.
16:17You're going to kick the shit out of us.
16:19I thought, you know what, maybe Billy's all right,
16:21maybe he says, oh, and then you go full psycho Billy
16:24and make everyone around you suffer.
16:25Oh, here we go, the truth is it?
16:27We're not friends now, are we?
16:29Oh, you want the truth, boy?
16:30Friends don't do bad shit to each other to make themselves feel good.
16:33Friends do good things to big each other up.
16:36You've never been a good friend in your entire life.
16:38All right, kind.
16:40Connor!
16:42Connor, come to the door, Connor.
16:44Ma'am.
16:45All right.
16:48All right, ma'am.
16:49Ma'am, I'm sorry.
16:50I didn't think we were going to get caught.
16:53That's the problem, Connor.
16:54You never think.
16:57All the things you've done, this is the worst.
17:00But hostages?
17:01This is the only one end one way.
17:03We don't even have anything to show for it,
17:05and there's no way out, so...
17:07Look, we're going to just turn ourselves in.
17:09What?
17:10Oh, but we can't do that.
17:11I'll never see star again.
17:12Ma'am's right.
17:13The only way to get out of this is to do the right thing.
17:18You better hope none of those hostages are hurt.
17:22They're not violent boys, okay?
17:24They're just idiots.
17:25They never hurt any of them.
17:27Is that right?
17:29Thanks for that.
17:33Wait, Con. Con.
17:35Remember the bedtime story I used to read you?
17:38Ma'am, I don't think now's the right time
17:39to be bringing up big boys do wheeze.
17:41Shut up. Not that one.
17:44Do you remember the silly pigeon?
17:46Yeah.
17:47Con.
17:48I think you need to be the silly pigeon.
17:53But isn't that the one where the pigeon runs away
17:54and doesn't come back?
17:57Forever.
18:04Come on.
18:09What do you want?
18:11It's fine.
18:12Can you put Star on the phone there, please?
18:14It's a bit cheeky calling from a crime scene
18:16asking to talk to Star.
18:17I'm sorry.
18:17I'm sorry, okay?
18:18But me and Con, we messed up, all right?
18:22And we're going to have to probably go away for a while.
18:24And it's not fair that you have to tell Star.
18:26So can you just put her on the phone?
18:28I should do it.
18:29I'm her dad.
18:31Star, come here.
18:36It's your dad, okay?
18:39Hi, Dad.
18:40I saw you on the TV.
18:42I saw you on the TV.
18:42Oh, you there.
18:48Myself and Con are probably going to have to go away for a little while, okay?
18:51Like a holiday?
18:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:53Like on a holiday, yeah.
18:55I'll go pack my swimming tugs on my bag.
18:59No, love, it's just a me and Con holiday, but I'm going to miss you, all right?
19:08I really love you, Con.
19:10And I'll always have your back.
19:13I love you, too, man.
19:16I love you to the moon, all right?
19:18And all the way back?
19:20All the way back, always.
19:23Because you're my star.
19:26Bye, bye, love.
19:35Please tell me you talked some sense into him.
19:37If by sense you mean I told him to run.
19:39You can't be serious.
19:40I did the right thing for my son.
19:43If you can't support that, then...
19:46maybe I'm not right for you.
19:48Get into position.
19:52Conor!
19:53Conor!
19:53How do you move back?
19:54Conor!
19:54Open the door!
19:56Conor, they're coming!
19:58Conor!
19:59They have guns.
19:59They're coming!
20:00Hey, come on.
20:02Come on.
20:03Hey!
20:04I'm up in there!
20:05I'm going!
20:07Jesus, lads, we've got to get out of here.
20:08I'll fight you, sis.
20:09There's no way out.
20:39No, no, there is one whale.
20:40There's a lad up!
20:40There's a lad up!
20:41Because I'm beginning to think we're better off in prison.
20:45I mean, there's good food, a great fight, regular bedtime.
20:51And if you've no friends, you don't tend to notice other people with theirs.
20:56Do you know what I mean?
21:00Come on, kind!
21:01There's no way around!
21:03We're going now.
21:04I'll hold him off.
21:11Conor!
21:12What's he doing?
21:14Being a friend.
21:18Pass it down, pass it down.
21:27Just because someone's self-destructive doesn't mean they're a ticket.
21:30It all depends on when they decide to self-destruct.
21:34They've done at the right time.
21:35It can be a gift to those they care about.
21:54You're right.
21:59Where are you?
22:04Where are we going?
22:08I'll call it for you, little raft!
22:13Stop right there!
22:16Healy boy, you have to let us go.
22:19I have to do what I have to do.
22:21Alright.
22:22Well, if you have to do what you have to do, then we have to do what we have to
22:26do.
22:35Punch me.
22:36What?
22:37This goes against everything that I stand for.
22:39But your mother is more important to me than anything.
22:42Ever since the first day of-
22:43Wait, what?
22:44Oh!
22:45I said punch me!
22:47Oh, sorry.
22:47Oh!
22:49Don't wait!
22:52Hey!
22:52You can't go that way, you morons.
22:54You're surrounded.
22:55You're going to go back inside, and I-
22:56Punch me.
22:57All right.
22:58Takes 20.
22:59Takes 20.
22:59I need!
23:02He's no use of all of them.
23:05I need!
23:16Oh, for God's sake.
23:21Developing scenes here in York, you see thing as a robbery turns into a hostage situation.
23:26What happened?
23:28They overpowered me and got away.
23:29He can't take a punch.
23:31And she doesn't know how doors work.
23:33Set up roadblocks all over the city.
23:39What was that for?
23:41You can always tell when you're lying.
23:42The hostage takers have now been identified as-
23:45Conor McSweeney, Jock O'Keefe, both convicted drug smugglers, and local petty criminal, Willie Murphy.
23:51Do you like that?
23:52Get your hands off my penis!
23:54This is democracy manifest!
23:56Sharon, Sharon, it's Billy Murphy, not Willie!
23:59B-I-L-L-L-Y-T!
24:09Jack!
24:11Do you think the coast is clear?
24:13I think so!
24:15Jack!
24:16Jack!
24:20Where the fuck are we with?
24:22Where are we moving?
24:24Why do you think we're on a ship?
24:27On a boat?
24:28Where are we going?
24:30In the ship, right?
24:31Jack, where are we going?
24:32I can't-
24:33I don't dwell on the water!
24:34I know, I know, I understand, okay?
24:36Look, look, buddy.
24:38Just stay calm, okay?
24:39I-I wanna go home!
24:40I know, I can't-
24:40I think I'm-
24:41Hey, hey, hey!
24:42We have each other, okay?
24:44We have each other, it's-
24:45I wanna go home!
24:46I wanna go home!
24:48I wanna go home!
24:48I wanna go home!
24:48I can't-
24:48I can't-
24:49We figured I'd drink that, okay?
24:51Relax, buddy.
24:52I need you to relax for me, okay?
24:53Look, we can't be going far.
24:55Jack, we must be going down to-
24:56Boy, that's smooth!
24:57Yeah, in Belfast, not England, maybe?
25:01Jack!
25:02It wouldn't go farther than that.
25:03Jack!
25:03If they needed more petrol, what?
25:05What's that?
25:05What do you mean, what's the whiskey?
25:07It's rare f-
25:09That's 20 grand.
25:15Hey, give me two seconds.
25:17Two seconds.
25:19Very rare 50 years, limited release.
25:24Um, kind of.
25:25Yeah.
25:26Just stay calm when he says-
25:27When he says-
25:28Um, Billy put, uh, four bottles of that in there.
25:33Wait, that's 60.
25:35That's 60 grand in here.
25:3720 grand there, there's 80 grand, boy, so, um-
25:40We're rich!
25:41We're rich!
25:42We're rich!
25:43We're rich!
25:45We're rich!
25:45We're rich!
25:4680 grand!
25:47No!
25:47Can I show you?
25:48don't worry, don't worry, can I show you?
25:58Oh, can I show you?
26:01You're expecting someone?
26:04Well, good-
26:06You're not.
26:07I'm tall, I'm tall.
26:08I'm tall, I'm tall, I'm tall, I'm tall, I am.
26:18Don't leave me out in the cold all alone
26:24All we do is hide
26:27Talk with stupid pride
26:29When we should unite
26:31In a world that makes demands
26:34One of us should lend a hand
26:37But we dare not change
26:42How can I exist when I hear them
26:46Oh, good
26:57Nice one
27:02If you ask me
27:04Home isn't a place
27:08Home is the people who mean the most to you
27:11The ones that make you feel like you're not facing the world alone
27:16Release me from the dead
27:18And leave my aching head
27:21You could save my soul
27:26It's time we start with the dead
27:30In a way
27:38We are owners of this huge time
27:44Time to save my soul
27:45That is my last track
27:46One, two, three
27:47Three, three, three, three, three, two, three
28:08Give me a fat bitch
28:20Give me a fat bitch
Comments