- 12 minutes ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:25Breaking news, actor Jason Biggs
00:00:27of American Pie fame was found dead
00:00:29in his Wind River home.
00:00:31The event brings this year's celebrity death toll to 27
00:00:33after Pope Francis' heart explosion
00:00:36last week. His estate wants
00:00:37to remind the world that Jason Biggs was
00:00:39a good guy, and we should all be very
00:00:41very sad. Authorities aren't
00:00:43ruling out foul play.
00:01:06Get fucked, Biggs!
00:01:12I heard, I heard
00:01:14the old man say
00:01:16Today, today's a holiday
00:01:22Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:01:26Tu-ra-yay
00:01:28To-ra-yay
00:01:36Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:01:57We'll work tomorrow but not today
00:01:59Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:02:02We'll work tomorrow but not today
00:02:04Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:02:07To-ra-yay
00:02:09Oh-oh
00:02:10To-ra-yay
00:02:14Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:02:16We'll bow the way
00:02:18Frisco way
00:02:19Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:02:21We'll bow the way
00:02:22At the break of hay
00:02:24Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:02:26To-ra-yay
00:02:28Oh-oh
00:02:30To-ra-yay
00:02:32Hey, John, you're not going to do that, hey.
00:03:13So, 35? We have a deal?
00:03:17Okay, you got me. 25. Drive a hard bargain.
00:03:21Yeah, Luke, how much for this?
00:03:23Oh, for you, Jake? Absolutely free. Take it. It's yours.
00:03:29No kidding?
00:03:30No kidding.
00:03:31You know, a toaster like this would probably get you $27.
00:03:35I doubt that.
00:03:38It's a very nice thing.
00:03:41I think I'll put it on my desk next to my computer.
00:03:45I came by to give you a little going-away advice.
00:03:49You need to change the password on your Wi-Fi
00:03:53in the majority of your streaming accounts.
00:03:56What do you mean?
00:03:57Type in some extra numbers or some big letters.
00:04:01Those go a long way.
00:04:02Jake, are you saying you've been using my Wi-Fi?
00:04:05Is that why Google keeps recommending different ketamine clinics?
00:04:07I'm just saying I don't want people in your new building to take advantage of you the way some people
00:04:14might have been taking advantage of you here.
00:04:16Thanks, Jake.
00:04:17You're a good guy, Luke. You deserve better.
00:04:20You deserve better.
00:04:21Okay.
00:04:23Oh, hey, Janet.
00:04:25Respectfully, Janet, I really think that we should just try it my way.
00:04:28We're really going to miss you around here, Luke.
00:04:30And not just your Wi-Fi and your streaming services. You look like family.
00:04:34Were my passwords that easy to figure out?
00:04:36Where are you headed now?
00:04:38Ottawa, Canada. Watch your finger.
00:04:39Ottawa. You got family up there or something?
00:04:44No. No, the only family I've left is an older brother, but I haven't heard from him in years.
00:04:48In fact, I actually don't even know if he's dead or alive.
00:04:50Oh, well, that's dreadful because family is the most important thing there is.
00:04:56Family sticks together no matter what.
00:05:01What was that?
00:05:03What was what?
00:05:03The random family sentiment you just read out loud. What was that about?
00:05:09Um, I gotta go.
00:05:12Clinton, what?
00:05:13How much you want for this? It's beautiful.
00:05:17What the hell? This isn't mine. Who put this here?
00:05:20You did.
00:05:20No. Why would I have a painting of the Pope eating tacos with Bigfoot?
00:05:24I mean, I'm basically Jewish, for Christ's sake.
00:05:26That's a lie.
00:05:28I've seen his penis.
00:05:30The man you know as Luke is not circumcised.
00:05:33Quite the opposite.
00:05:34He possesses a generous amount of foreskin, making his dick look like the head of a baby elephant.
00:05:38What?
00:05:39Who are you? What is happening?
00:05:48Jeez, Louise.
00:05:51Ow!
00:05:56Danny!
00:05:57Bring it in.
00:05:57Danny!
00:05:58Huh?
00:05:58Ow! Ow!
00:05:59Ow!
00:05:59God, God, God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:06:01What happened? You okay?
00:06:02Yeah, it's nothing, really.
00:06:03You should have seen the other guy.
00:06:04Yeah?
00:06:05Oh, yeah.
00:06:05He was driving the sickest Mercedes when he plowed into me.
00:06:08Okay, that looks really bad.
00:06:09Oh, and that painting is from me.
00:06:12Hmm?
00:06:12Oh!
00:06:13You like it?
00:06:15Yeah, man.
00:06:16One more hug.
00:06:17Soft.
00:06:17Wow, I can't...
00:06:19Oh!
00:06:34So, how's life living off-grid all this time?
00:06:38That's fine.
00:06:38Until the grid got bigger.
00:06:40After a while, it became like one of Todd Simmons' famous nosebleeds.
00:06:44Yeah.
00:06:46Wait, so what's with the moving sail?
00:06:49You moving somewhere?
00:06:49Uh, very perceptive of you.
00:06:51Yeah, yeah, I know.
00:06:52I'm heading up to Ottawa, Canada.
00:06:55Ottawa!
00:06:56Oh, you got a girlfriend up there or something?
00:06:58No.
00:06:58Yeah, you do.
00:06:59No.
00:07:00You have a girlfriend in Canada.
00:07:03I wish.
00:07:03Yeah, you gotta go all the way up there to get laid,
00:07:05because you can't get laid here.
00:07:06Danny! Danny!
00:07:08No, sorry.
00:07:08No, I...
00:07:09I am driving up today to start at the new paleontology research center.
00:07:16What, today today?
00:07:17Yeah.
00:07:18Well, you can't leave today.
00:07:20Why not?
00:07:21Well, because I'm here now.
00:07:22I want to hang out.
00:07:23Yeah, but I start on Monday.
00:07:24Oh, fuck muffin.
00:07:28I was really hoping to spend some time together
00:07:30before I start my new job in Tucson next week.
00:07:47Hey, man, why don't you come with me?
00:07:48Really?
00:07:49Yeah.
00:07:50You wouldn't mind?
00:07:50No, I...
00:07:51I...
00:07:51I've wanted to spend time with you, too.
00:07:53Wow.
00:07:54I'm impressed, Luke.
00:07:55You really do have faith in your fellow man.
00:07:59It's like Todd Simmons said,
00:08:00faith is all about taking that initial step
00:08:02without first checking for scorpions.
00:08:04Yeah.
00:08:06Who is this Todd Simmons guy?
00:08:08Ah!
00:08:16So, tell me about the job in Ottawa, huh?
00:08:19You happy with it?
00:08:20Oh, beyond happy, man.
00:08:21It's like for the first time in my life,
00:08:23everything's finally making sense, you know?
00:08:25And that's a good thing?
00:08:26Yeah, of course it is.
00:08:28I get to go on real digs with real paleontologists,
00:08:30and you know what we're doing on my very first day?
00:08:32How would I know that?
00:08:33We're going to go to a dig site
00:08:34where they've already found
00:08:34a brand new species of Cretaceous Aerotheropon.
00:08:37And they've already given her a name, too.
00:08:39Snomisdod.
00:08:40Snomisdod.
00:08:40Yeah, apparently she's massive.
00:08:43And her femur bone
00:08:45is exactly five foot, ten and a half inches long,
00:08:47which is my precise height,
00:08:49which is weird and neat, right?
00:08:51Yeah.
00:08:52I'm just happy you're happy.
00:08:54Just don't freak out
00:08:55when you learn what actually killed the dinosaurs.
00:08:58What do you mean?
00:09:00No.
00:09:02It's too soon.
00:09:03I'm sorry.
00:09:04I'm just going to shut up now.
00:09:06No, no.
00:09:07What do you think killed the dinosaurs, Danny?
00:09:10Well, it wasn't a fucking meteor, I'll tell you that.
00:09:18What?
00:09:20Just so you know,
00:09:22I don't actually care
00:09:23that you believe in all this conspiracy theory stuff.
00:09:26It honestly doesn't even bother me.
00:09:29Conspiracy theory stuff?
00:09:30Just so you know,
00:09:31all science is theory until proven otherwise.
00:09:33Did you know that Galileo was once considered a conspiracy theorist?
00:09:36Okay, but just so you know,
00:09:37even if somehow one of your crazy conspiracy theories
00:09:41just happened to be proven true,
00:09:42nobody would believe you
00:09:43because you think everything is part of some massive conspiracy theory.
00:09:45so you'd basically just be the boy who cried wolf.
00:09:47Oh, just so you know,
00:09:48the boy who cried wolf is a personal hero of mine.
00:09:50Of course he is.
00:09:51Now think about it.
00:09:51He tricked his entire town into thinking that a wolf was coming,
00:09:54so by the end,
00:09:54when the wolf actually came,
00:09:55he had them all to himself.
00:09:56And who doesn't want a little wolf?
00:10:07It's just in.
00:10:09Jason Biggs' death has been officially ruled a homicide.
00:10:12The suspect is set to bloody, grisly murder.
00:10:14We should all be very sad, according to his estate.
00:10:23So, tell me about this job in Tucson.
00:10:27Oh yeah, I'm really excited about it.
00:10:30Is it like an office job or?
00:10:32The day I set foot in an office is the day I die.
00:10:35Yeah, so what is it?
00:10:37Oh, I can't say.
00:10:38I signed an NDA.
00:10:39Well, with who?
00:10:40Can't say that either.
00:10:41Well, can you tell me anything about it?
00:10:44Let me think.
00:10:44No.
00:10:45Well, come on,
00:10:46you're not being chased by a bounty hunter or something, are you?
00:10:49Jesus, Luke!
00:10:51I'm not that guy anymore.
00:10:53All right, sorry.
00:10:54Sure, at one point I was a little off my rocker.
00:10:57Sure, at one point I ran for sheriff of Daytona under the name Deacon Shrimp.
00:11:00Sure, at one point I scammed the Portuguese mafia out of a thousand fluid ounces of Taiwanese
00:11:04ketamine.
00:11:05What?
00:11:05But I also know I haven't been the best big brother to you.
00:11:08I left you all alone in that hellhole, took out multiple houseboat loans in your name.
00:11:12That was you?
00:11:12But I'm a changed man now who's trying to get his life back on track.
00:11:17And I need you to believe that.
00:11:21Uh, yeah.
00:11:23All right.
00:11:24I have no reason to lie to you, man.
00:11:26Literally not one.
00:11:27Knock on wood.
00:11:29Sheriff's department!
00:11:31Sheriff's department!
00:11:50Hey, oh yeah, he's been here.
00:11:52Looks like his brother's helping him after all.
00:11:54We're going to need an additional 277 on Luke Davenport, accomplice to a wanted felon Daniel Davenport.
00:12:05We're going to need an additional 277 on Luke Davenport.
00:12:35ありがとうございます.
00:12:37Theua.
00:12:38Three mother lords so young.
00:12:44They need to sail away to sea.
00:12:46Three mother lords so young.
00:12:48Three mother lords so young.
00:12:52They said,
00:12:53sail from Brittany.
00:12:54A storm began as they said, sail.
00:12:57The winds were buenas air.
00:12:59The winds were strong, the journey won
00:13:00They landed in you, found love
00:13:03It's a coincidence that it was around the same time
00:13:05Bill Gates had Princess Di assassinated
00:13:07And that's the fourth reason why one should never trust the Portuguese
00:13:12What?
00:13:13Nothing
00:13:14No, seriously, man, what?
00:13:16No, it's, it's nothing, never mind
00:13:18I know that look
00:13:19You're contemplating whether or not I'm back on my meds, huh?
00:13:22How is that a look?
00:13:23Well, I am, okay?
00:13:24I mean, do I look like Todd Simmons on a Spanish holiday?
00:13:27Who the fuck is Todd Simmons?
00:13:29I swear, you have nothing to wor-
00:13:34What? What is it?
00:13:36Nothing, it's nothing
00:13:38Uh, I'm just gonna go see if old man Waters still lives over there
00:13:41I'll be right back
00:13:41Old man Waters, it's clearly made up
00:13:44And it's my turn to drive
00:14:08Hands on the steering wheel
00:14:09Now
00:14:10Oh, dear
00:14:11I gotta hand it to you
00:14:13I thought I lost you back in Wind River
00:14:15You banged me up good
00:14:18I don't want your fucking money
00:14:19Hands on the wheel
00:14:20Do it now
00:14:21Oh, dear
00:14:22Does this mean anything to you, huh?
00:14:24It's a Taco Gary's taco
00:14:26As in the TG Truce of 21
00:14:29This Taco Gary?
00:14:31It's Taco Gary
00:14:32This is a Mercedes, huh?
00:14:35I don't know
00:14:36I don't know
00:14:37It's my husband's car
00:14:39We were using the restroom
00:15:01God damn it
00:15:02I'm truly sorry for mistaking you for a member of the Coalition
00:15:05It was an honest mistake
00:15:09I'm assuming you have the child lock on
00:15:12Thank you, ma'am
00:15:14You have a lovely day
00:15:30Shit, shit
00:15:32Fuck
00:15:37You okay?
00:15:39Not really, man
00:15:41I saw it
00:15:42Fuck
00:15:43Okay, yeah
00:15:44Putting a hunting knife to a grandmother's throat
00:15:45Looks really bad on paper
00:15:46But technically that was in self-defense
00:15:48What?
00:15:48No, I'm talking about these
00:15:50Fucking M&M's, man
00:15:53Oh, yeah
00:15:53Me too
00:15:54You're lying to me, Danny
00:15:56Again
00:15:57Relax, Luke
00:15:58They're just anti-psychotics
00:15:59Nothing bad's gonna happen
00:16:00Not yet
00:16:01But I refuse to be the idiot in the horror movie
00:16:04Who sees all the dead animals and the ghost children
00:16:07Yet doesn't get out
00:16:07I feel like I'm being set up for disaster
00:16:10If you would like me to take the regular pills that work
00:16:12I will, okay?
00:16:14Pinky swear
00:16:15I love you, Danny
00:16:16I do
00:16:16But I am in a new chapter in my life
00:16:18And I don't have time to accommodate you
00:16:19And you're...
00:16:20Wait, what did you do to some grandma?
00:16:22Nothing
00:16:22It's a metaphor
00:16:26Where's my phone?
00:16:28You promise you won't get angry?
00:16:31Oh, God
00:16:32Look, for your own safety
00:16:33And for reasons I can't disclose yet
00:16:35I had to dispose of your phone
00:16:37Via toilet at the gas station
00:16:38Pull over
00:16:39Why?
00:16:40We just stopped
00:16:40Pull over!
00:16:42Please, calm down!
00:16:44What is happening right now?
00:16:48Where are you going?
00:16:51God damn it!
00:16:52What the fuck?
00:16:56Shit
00:16:56Shit
00:16:57Just wait!
00:16:58Just wait!
00:16:58Nope!
00:16:59It's over!
00:17:00You're not going to talk me out of it!
00:17:01I know!
00:17:02I know!
00:17:03I understand!
00:17:04Fuck!
00:17:05I'm sorry!
00:17:06You know I hate taking that shit!
00:17:08It makes me feel too...
00:17:10Not me!
00:17:11Things make too much sense!
00:17:13That's a bad thing?
00:17:14Can you just get out of the car
00:17:15So I can give you a proper hug goodbye?
00:17:17No!
00:17:17I'll leave!
00:17:18I promise!
00:17:20This might be a really long time
00:17:21before I see you again
00:17:22Just come out
00:17:23and give me one last hug
00:17:24and then I'm gone!
00:17:25Okay?
00:17:27Please?
00:17:33Thank you!
00:17:38Love you, man!
00:17:39Love you, too!
00:17:39What the fuck was that?
00:17:43No, I'm sorry!
00:17:44It's for your own good!
00:17:45Trust me!
00:17:45Don't!
00:17:46Trust me!
00:17:47You're okay!
00:17:49All right!
00:17:50That's it!
00:17:52You're okay!
00:17:53No!
00:17:57Good night, sweet prince!
00:18:00You never show this part in the movie!
00:18:03How hard could it be?
00:18:24What the fuck will you say?
00:18:33You ahorita doin'.
00:18:40There's Mr. Sleepyhead.
00:18:43Well, what happened? Where are we?
00:18:47What, you don't remember?
00:18:48Makes sense. You were pretty damn drunk.
00:18:50No. No, I remember.
00:18:54I couldn't find my phone, and then we got in an argument, and...
00:19:05Holy shit. You...
00:19:07Okay, fine. I injected you with some ketamine, but you were having a temper tantrum.
00:19:11Oh, you're out of your mind. You're... Oh, God.
00:19:21There's Mr. Sleepyhead.
00:19:23God damn it!
00:19:24I know. This hurts me just as much as it hurts you.
00:19:27Why are you doing this to me?
00:19:30I haven't been completely honest with you.
00:19:32I kind of stumbled into some trouble, and I sort of need to...
00:19:35How do I say this? Flee the country.
00:19:37So when I found out that you're going to Canada, I thought it was meant to be.
00:19:40You know, like fate.
00:19:41What did you do?
00:19:41Nothing.
00:19:42I simply took something from someone deemed important.
00:19:45Hey, give it back.
00:19:46No.
00:19:47The world needs to see this, and I need your help.
00:19:50No!
00:19:50Come on, Luke. You're family.
00:19:53And you know family is the most important thing of all.
00:19:55Family sticks together no matter what.
00:19:59You paid my neighbor to say that, didn't you?
00:20:01Look, it's not my fault your neighbor didn't take the extra five minutes to memorize his fucking lines.
00:20:05Look, whatever.
00:20:05It doesn't matter.
00:20:06The fact is, I love you.
00:20:08And you're the only one that I can truly trust.
00:20:10And you have a valid passport.
00:20:11And we kind of look like each other.
00:20:12I can't believe I fell for this.
00:20:14No.
00:20:15No.
00:20:16No, no, no.
00:20:17Help!
00:20:17Help!
00:20:18Help me!
00:20:19Help!
00:20:22Stop doing that!
00:20:23Look, I'm begging you, man.
00:20:24I need your help.
00:20:25And I need to borrow your identity one last time.
00:20:27Just try to see the forest through the trees.
00:20:29It's for the trees, you idiot.
00:20:31And the answer is no.
00:20:34I am not gonna risk my chance at happiness for you.
00:20:37Thing is, Luke, I don't think you have any other options.
00:20:41Of course I do.
00:20:42I'll just suck it up and fly there.
00:20:44Truck's worthless anyway, and all my important stuff is already in my new place.
00:20:47Yeah, but you can't book a flight without your phone and your wallet.
00:20:50God damn it.
00:20:51Where is my wallet, Danny?
00:20:55It's in safe hands.
00:20:55You'll get it once we cross the border.
00:20:57I know that.
00:20:58Look, you want to cause me physical harm.
00:21:00But right now, I'm your best and only option.
00:21:02You'll still get there on time, I promise.
00:21:04Any questions?
00:21:05Can I at least have my shirt back?
00:21:07No.
00:21:07Oh, and there's something else I need to give you.
00:21:09Now, you're probably not ready to hear this,
00:21:11but that right there is a highly advanced homing beacon.
00:21:13This is a Rubik's suit covered in black Sharpie.
00:21:16Trust me, that's the highest of high tech.
00:21:17I do not trust you.
00:21:18And don't ask me how I got it.
00:21:20I'll just say it involved a full-figured Bigfoot suit,
00:21:22a live chicken, and a shit-ton of ketamine.
00:21:24Now, in the off chance that we get separated,
00:21:26you press this part down right here,
00:21:27and I'll know exactly where you are.
00:21:30Oh, shit, get down!
00:21:31What?
00:21:31Get down!
00:21:32No!
00:21:32At least take a knee!
00:21:33Oh, shit, the truck's been made.
00:21:36Oh, thank God.
00:21:38Let go!
00:21:39If you tattletail, I swear you'll never make it to your job.
00:21:41I'll tell them you're the mastermind behind all this.
00:21:43How are you gonna do that?
00:21:44You really should rethink your password.
00:21:45Just add a few numbers or big letters.
00:21:47Those go a long way.
00:21:49What have you been doing?
00:21:50Enough to make it seem like you and I have been accomplices all along,
00:21:52but if you stick with me, I'll clear your name.
00:21:54Pinky swear.
00:21:55Goddammit!
00:21:55That's okay, brother.
00:21:56I intended for Plan A to fail.
00:21:58This is all part of the plan.
00:21:59We're just gonna skip ahead to Step 17.
00:22:02WWTSD.
00:22:03What would Todd Simmons do?
00:22:05How many hand grenades do you have on your person?
00:22:06Did it.
00:22:07On second thought, we don't need a truck.
00:22:08Well, my passport isn't there.
00:22:10Goddammit, Luke, what were you thinking?
00:22:11I was unconscious!
00:22:12Just say that again.
00:22:13That's them.
00:22:14Plan C.
00:22:15Run!
00:22:15You'll never catch us!
00:22:17We're very armed and extremely deranged!
00:22:19Why would you say that?
00:22:20No, no, no!
00:22:20We're not!
00:22:21I'm not!
00:22:22Fuck!
00:22:25This way!
00:22:27This was me!
00:22:28This way!
00:22:33This was me!
00:22:40This way!
00:22:41This way!
00:23:01Oh
00:23:49I'm so fucked. Why did you say that?
00:23:53That is nothing compared to what I told the authorities we've been doing for the last few weeks.
00:23:56No, you! Not we!
00:23:58Shut up! This is all happening according to the new plan that I just thought of.
00:24:02All we need is a ride so I can connect with an associate I have in the area, and that
00:24:06guy's perfect.
00:24:08Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
00:24:09I'm gonna tell him that my fiance's dog, Stanley McRuffRuff, was stolen by a one-eyed Portuguese man and we're
00:24:14on a desperate and inspiring rescue mission.
00:24:16Why would anyone believe that?
00:24:18Because no one wants to believe the truth anymore, man.
00:24:20People don't let strangers with no pants ride in their car willy-nilly.
00:24:23Why are you still no pants?
00:24:24Bingo bongo.
00:24:26What the fuck?
00:24:30You know, if something happened to my little ruff ruff, I'd do the same thing. Damn Portuguese.
00:24:36Amen, brother.
00:24:38Oh, right. For your information, I've kidnapped my brother and I'm forcing him to come along against his will.
00:24:44He wants to let you know in case you're a witness in a trial that'll never happen.
00:24:48Brothers, huh? I guess y'all do smell pretty similar.
00:24:56Danny, what the fuck are you doing?
00:24:57These are the exact coordinates. I triple-checked.
00:24:59Excuse me, sir, do you mind driving me to the hospital? I've been kidnapped!
00:25:04Nice try, Luke, but no one wants to believe the truth anymore. Just let me work.
00:25:08Now that neither of us have a passport because you're irresponsible, we're gonna require the services of a badger.
00:25:13It's like a Canadian coyote. She'll help us cross the border.
00:25:27Let's talk.
00:25:29No running, Eric!
00:25:33It's nice to see you again, Allison.
00:25:35It's been a while.
00:25:36This is my little brother, Luke.
00:25:39Ah, I know that, Luke. You're sexually attracted to her, aren't you?
00:25:44So, where are you two heading?
00:25:45I'm trying to get to Ottawa before Monday, and he's a wanted felon.
00:25:49Ottawa.
00:25:51What, you guys got family up there or something?
00:25:54Eric, slow the fuck down!
00:25:55You're a good brother, you know, helping Danny out like this.
00:25:58That man has opened my eyes to a lot of truths.
00:26:02Did you know there's a metropolis of squid people living directly beneath Santa Fe, New Mexico?
00:26:10I'm just playing. I don't believe in that kind of stuff.
00:26:12Push it, Eric. Push it.
00:26:13God damn it, Eric.
00:26:15I don't get it. You seem so...
00:26:17Look, when Danny called me up asking if I knew a badger, I just went, screw it. I'll be your
00:26:21badger.
00:26:22I've got nothing else to do right now. And Danny always knows how to spin nothing into something crazy and
00:26:25fun.
00:26:26This is not fun. Okay, before Danny came back, things in my life were just finally starting to make sense.
00:26:32And that's a good thing? Danny will clear your name. He's gotten me out of much tighter chance than this,
00:26:37trust me.
00:26:38And who knows, maybe by the end you'll no longer see this cup as half-empty like me.
00:26:41Oh yeah? Why's that?
00:26:42Because I stopped drawing contacts. Can't see shit now.
00:26:44I just made contact with an associate of mine. He's gonna provide us with a new vehicle and weaponry.
00:26:49Can he be trusted?
00:26:50Oh yeah. We ran a lot of jobs together back in Pismo.
00:26:53No, no, no, no. Danny, please tell me you're not talking about Clio.
00:26:56I don't know what you'd like me to say then.
00:26:58Danny, come on. Isn't he like the president of the Flat Earth Society?
00:27:01No, not anymore. He knows the world is a three-dimensional isosceles triangle. Don't worry.
00:27:06He said to meet him at these coordinates.
00:27:09Jesus Christ!
00:27:10Relax, baby. You're in a sauna. This is definitely the spot. I quadruple-checked the coordinates.
00:27:16But you said his name was Clio?
00:27:17Yeah. He purposely misspells his name to make himself harder to track. It's very smart.
00:27:24Come with me.
00:27:29Were you followed?
00:27:30I don't think so.
00:27:32What about that guy?
00:27:33Nope. He's not one of them.
00:27:35Well, who's the sheep?
00:27:37That's my little brother, Luke.
00:27:39Can he be trusted?
00:27:40Yeah, 100%. He's my brother.
00:27:42Ooh. So you found yourself a badger.
00:27:44Best in the business.
00:27:46Only the best for Danny.
00:27:47Okay, guys, can we please just hurry this up?
00:27:49How can I help?
00:27:50They need to get to Ottawa.
00:27:52Ottawa.
00:27:54And no, we don't have any family.
00:27:57Wait.
00:27:59You're going to Ottawa?
00:28:00There's no way you stole what I think you stole.
00:28:03Maybe I did.
00:28:05Oh, you really got it, huh?
00:28:07Then whip it out and show it to me.
00:28:12I'm sorry.
00:28:13I'm sorry.
00:28:13I'm sorry.
00:28:14I'm sorry.
00:28:16I'm sorry.
00:28:17I'm sorry.
00:28:18You didn't realize that it's worth upwards of $27.7 million.
00:28:23He's exaggerating.
00:28:24Besides, it's not for sale.
00:28:25Now, can you help us with the vehicle and weaponry or not?
00:28:28You...
00:28:28It's so cool.
00:28:30And you...
00:28:31Yes.
00:28:32Yes, I can.
00:28:35Take your pick.
00:28:37Is this your entire inventory?
00:28:39Yeah.
00:28:40My mom isn't CEO of Gucci Vuitton, I'm sorry to say.
00:28:46This one doesn't have any side mirrors.
00:28:48Yeah.
00:28:49Well, I had to kick them off to decrease wind resistance.
00:28:53Smart.
00:28:59Oh, impressive.
00:29:01If you want anything, all this stuff is 30% off.
00:29:13Hey.
00:29:14Sheep.
00:29:15Hey, Baba Sheep.
00:29:16Hey.
00:29:17Hey.
00:29:19You gonna answer me or not?
00:29:20What was the question again?
00:29:22If Grover Cleveland showed up right here right now, right next to you, and you got to ask
00:29:26him one question, what would it be?
00:29:28I don't know.
00:29:29I guess I'd ask him what he thought about current events and stuff.
00:29:34Wrong.
00:29:35Okay.
00:29:36Clio, what would you ask him?
00:29:38How he did it.
00:29:40How he did what?
00:29:41Time travel.
00:29:42How did a man that size show up right here, right now, right next to you?
00:29:46That didn't weird you out or anything?
00:29:47That didn't spring up a bunch of questions in your mind?
00:29:50Danny, we already got the car, man.
00:29:51Can we just go?
00:29:52Jesus, be careful, man.
00:29:54Relax.
00:29:55It's not even loaded.
00:29:56Whoa, Danny!
00:29:57What the fuck are you doing?
00:29:58What?
00:29:58There's nothing to worry about.
00:30:00See?
00:30:02Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
00:30:05Clio, you son of a bitch.
00:30:07You were trying to rip me off.
00:30:08Bullshit.
00:30:09You probably had the safety on.
00:30:10It's off.
00:30:11Look.
00:30:13That is not how you test it.
00:30:16What?
00:30:16Let me see.
00:30:17Jesus, what is the matter with you guys?
00:30:19God.
00:30:21I don't understand it.
00:30:22It randomly discharged this morning.
00:30:24It should work.
00:30:25Hmm.
00:30:29Wouldn't it be funny if it just randomly went off right now?
00:30:35I mean a little.
00:30:41Hey, mommy, you want a taco?
00:30:43Okay.
00:30:44You're lost.
00:30:55Hey.
00:30:55Hey, Bubba.
00:30:56Next question.
00:30:57If you could have brunch with one person, living, dead, or ghost, who would it be?
00:31:02My former self.
00:31:03Do you remind me to never, ever trust my brother?
00:31:06Seriously, if I miss out on this dig, I will literally shoot you.
00:31:09Wrong answer, pal.
00:31:10Okay, Clio.
00:31:12What's the right one, then?
00:31:13Todd Simmons.
00:31:14Okay, will someone please just tell me who the fuck this Todd Simmons guy is?
00:31:18Oh, shit!
00:31:19Oh, my God!
00:31:21I told you it worked!
00:31:23Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, I've been fucking shot!
00:31:26Sure that wasn't there the whole time?
00:31:28God, no!
00:31:28Call 911!
00:31:29I'm fine.
00:31:30It's just a BB.
00:31:30Fuck you, Danny.
00:31:31It hurts!
00:31:31Check for an exit wound.
00:31:33What?
00:31:35Somebody help me!
00:31:36Somebody help me!
00:31:37Bring him!
00:31:39Somebody!
00:31:41Not like that, you idiot!
00:31:47Badger, go upstairs to my room and get the band-aids for my grenade drawer.
00:31:51On it.
00:31:51All right, we gotta restrain him, because I'm gonna suck the bullet out.
00:31:54What the fuck?
00:31:55That's what you do with snake venom!
00:31:57Yeah, that doesn't sound right.
00:31:58Trust me.
00:31:58I'm a doctor.
00:31:59Really?
00:32:00If you're a doctor, let's see your badge.
00:32:03Checks out.
00:32:03Proceed, Clive.
00:32:04Okay.
00:32:05Fuck!
00:32:06Oh, gross!
00:32:08He's vaccinated!
00:32:11Somebody call that!
00:32:12911!
00:32:13Please!
00:32:14I got it.
00:32:15It's okay.
00:32:16I'll take care of you, all right?
00:32:19No!
00:32:20It's okay.
00:32:21It's just enough to ease the pain.
00:32:22How about we make our own exit wound?
00:32:24I'm gonna push the bullet all the way through.
00:32:27Oh, wait!
00:32:28What is happening?
00:32:29What does it look like we're making an exit wound?
00:32:32Oh, let me try it.
00:32:33Run off!
00:32:34Oh, shit!
00:32:35Sorry, sorry!
00:32:35I'm right in the back here!
00:32:40Okay.
00:32:41All right.
00:32:42Okay.
00:32:44Oh, wow.
00:32:45That was satisfying.
00:32:47Everything's gonna be fine.
00:32:48All right.
00:32:49Whoo!
00:32:52Oh, fuck Moffitt.
00:32:55Clile.
00:32:55Clile.
00:33:03She must have just bought it.
00:33:04I swear, I didn't know!
00:33:05Well, now they know!
00:33:06Oh, easy!
00:33:07Easy!
00:33:07He's pretty dazed!
00:33:10Run.
00:33:11Run!
00:33:27Go!
00:33:28Go!
00:33:28Go!
00:33:29Go!
00:33:29Go!
00:33:30Go!
00:33:31Oh, fuck Moffitt.
00:33:34I think I just pierced my pants.
00:33:36Are we being followed?
00:33:37I don't know.
00:33:37I can't tell without any side view mirrors!
00:33:41Shit!
00:33:42Is that them?
00:33:43Think so?
00:33:44Good thing I called shotgun.
00:33:46Well, what the fuck are you doing, Danny?
00:33:48Calm down.
00:33:48It's okay, all right?
00:33:49I'm just gonna shoot out the tires.
00:33:51No blood shall be spilled this day.
00:33:54I mean, no additional blood.
00:33:58Goddammit!
00:33:58Clile, this one's busted, too!
00:34:00No, doy!
00:34:00Why do you think it was in the parking bin?
00:34:02Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
00:34:03What do we do, man?
00:34:04The only thing we can do,
00:34:05we gotta get to a Taco Gary's.
00:34:07It's neutral territory.
00:34:08No member of the Coalition can do business
00:34:10inside of a Taco Gary's restaurant.
00:34:12Will you please let me out of the car?
00:34:13It's the truth, non-believer!
00:34:15When the Coalition was founded,
00:34:16fights broke out for tickets off-world.
00:34:18The head elders declared their favorite restaurant,
00:34:20Taco Gary's, as a safe zone.
00:34:22Violators of the safe zone had their eyes melted,
00:34:25and their souls sold on the galactic slave market.
00:34:28It's not that bad.
00:34:30He's exaggerating.
00:34:31The galactic slave market closed about seven years ago.
00:34:33Okay, just keep going straight.
00:34:35I think there's one just over Jeremani Ridge.
00:34:36Copy that.
00:34:57Get in.
00:35:00Get in.
00:35:02Get in.
00:35:05Get in.
00:35:07Get in.
00:35:11Danny.
00:35:12It's okay.
00:35:13Stop staring.
00:35:14We're safe for now.
00:35:15We're safe for now,
00:35:16but how the heck are we gonna get out of here alive?
00:35:23I don't know.
00:35:23Are you guys sure she wants to kill us?
00:35:25Mm-hmm.
00:35:26What she wants is what I stole,
00:35:27and she'll happily string us up by our testicles to get it.
00:35:30And your vagina.
00:35:31Sorry.
00:35:32You should go before you're implicated any further.
00:35:35You could shove that idea,
00:35:37because I'm going with you guys.
00:35:38All the way to Ottawa.
00:35:40I gotta see this thing through, buddy.
00:35:41No, I can't be responsible for another soul, Kyle.
00:35:44Oh, but this guy gets to go?
00:35:46This useless piece of this guy?
00:35:48No way.
00:35:49Probably couldn't shoot a pheasant out of the sky with a sightless crossbow.
00:35:52But you know who can?
00:35:54Cash Israel.
00:35:56Yeah.
00:35:56You're not friends with him, are you?
00:35:57Yes, I am.
00:35:58You guys are talking.
00:35:59Yeah, we're talking and we're tight.
00:36:00And he told me one thing.
00:36:02He said,
00:36:02I'm gonna teach you everything I know, pal.
00:36:04And then he gave me a kiss on the cheek.
00:36:06Look, what I have here is we're 27.7 million USD.
00:36:11I can...
00:36:12I cannot be responsible for another soul, Kyle.
00:36:16Fine.
00:36:17I'll leave.
00:36:19But I'm not going out without...
00:36:24What is this?
00:36:26It's not friggin' heavy.
00:36:28What the...
00:36:29It's bolted.
00:36:37Fine.
00:36:41Goddammit.
00:36:43Okay.
00:36:45Kyle's alive.
00:36:47What are you doing?
00:36:48Jesus.
00:36:48Are you that unaware?
00:36:50I am done with all of this.
00:36:52I'm taking whatever you stole and I'm calling the police.
00:36:54You can't do that.
00:36:55What about getting to Ottawa on time, huh?
00:36:57If I stay with you, I'll probably never make it out.
00:36:59You're my fuckin' thing!
00:37:00Go!
00:37:00Hey!
00:37:02Did you take something out of here?
00:37:04Huh?
00:37:05What the hell?
00:37:08What the fuck?
00:37:14You truce-breaking fuck!
00:37:16What happened to Taco Gary's piece?
00:37:18I beg your pardon?
00:37:19Don't play dumb with me.
00:37:21I know you're a member of the Coalition.
00:37:22Danny!
00:37:23Danny!
00:37:29No, no, Kyle!
00:37:31No!
00:37:31No, no, no, no, no, no!
00:37:32Fuck!
00:37:33Fuck!
00:37:36Goddammit!
00:37:36I swear to God I'm gonna rip off his fuckin' head, shove it up his ass and fuck-
00:37:41Shut up!
00:37:45Listen to me.
00:37:46Very closely.
00:37:48You're fuckin' insane.
00:37:49What?
00:37:51What?
00:37:51No, there is no butt, asshole.
00:37:53Wow.
00:37:54I can't believe my own brother's turning against me too.
00:37:57Of course you can't believe it because it's the truth.
00:37:59Look at me.
00:37:59I have been shot and stabbed and-and drugged and fuckin' kidnapped all in the last 16 hours.
00:38:04I know this sounds crazy, but it's still all part of the plan, okay?
00:38:07I don't like seeing you like this.
00:38:08You know how hard it is to be-
00:38:09Oh my God!
00:38:10Are you actually trying to play the victim right now?
00:38:11Seriously?
00:38:12You have got to be the most selfishly psychotic fuck-up on the entire plan.
00:38:18And I am not gonna let you ruin my life anymore.
00:38:21Wait, no.
00:38:21You can't go.
00:38:23This whole trip is about you.
00:38:26Mom and Dad were right to cut you out of their lives.
00:38:30And my only regret is that I didn't do the same.
00:38:35You are what's wrong with this world, Danny.
00:38:39Never contact me again.
00:38:45You coming?
00:38:49Come on, Allison.
00:38:51You are clearly a smart person.
00:38:53If you want some excitement in your life, just buy a Vespa.
00:38:55It's a lot safer than all this.
00:39:05I'm gonna stay with Danny.
00:39:08Okay!
00:39:10Okay!
00:39:12Am I the last same person left in this entire country?!
00:39:16Okay!
00:39:18It's okay.
00:39:19Just let him cool off a little bit.
00:39:20He ain't going far.
00:39:21You want a burrito?
00:39:22I'm starving.
00:39:36Okay.
00:39:42Uh, excuse me.
00:39:44Hey, uh, can I use your phone?
00:39:46I'm not allowed to let customers use the phone.
00:39:49Use your own damn phone.
00:39:50Great.
00:39:51Well, that is a very good idea, except it has been stolen.
00:39:53Hence why I'm asking to borrow yours.
00:39:56Customs aren't allowed.
00:39:57Well, it's an emergency.
00:39:58What kind of emergency?
00:39:59Well, I have been kidnapped and shot, for one.
00:40:02You've been shot?
00:40:03You think I'm dumb?
00:40:05This motherfucker.
00:40:07Would it help if I told you that my fiancé's dog has been kidnapped by a one-eyed Portuguese man
00:40:11and I need to tell the police about it?
00:40:13Of course.
00:40:26911, what's your emergency?
00:40:27Yes, hello, hi.
00:40:28My name is Luke Davenport and I have been kidnapped by my brother Danny Davenport.
00:40:32I believe he is wanted, or maybe we both are, but I am the victim here.
00:40:36I was the one who was kidnapped and I have been drugged and I have been shot and-
00:40:40One moment, please.
00:40:45So, what brings you out here?
00:40:48Were you not listening?
00:40:49Oh.
00:40:50The dog got right.
00:40:52Is your brother currently with you?
00:40:54No, he is not.
00:40:55What's your location?
00:40:57Hey, what's the name of this place?
00:40:59Huh?
00:41:00What's that?
00:41:01Where are we?
00:41:04You know if anything happens to my little Ruff Ruff, I'll do the same.
00:41:08I don't.
00:41:13I'll do your fucking head.
00:41:15I'll do your fucking head.
00:41:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm on your side.
00:41:18Oh, man, man, man, man, your side.
00:41:20I don't even sound like that.
00:41:21Come on.
00:41:22Oh.
00:41:23What the fuck is that?
00:41:23Sir, that's my penis.
00:41:25Wow.
00:41:25Very nice.
00:41:26It's very nice.
00:41:27But a lot of skin.
00:41:28What's wrong with that?
00:41:28What's happening there?
00:41:29What?
00:41:29No.
00:41:29You don't understand.
00:41:30I was taken against my will.
00:41:32Shut the fuck up.
00:41:35It's Danny that you want and I can tell you where he's going.
00:41:38You think I'm done?
00:41:40Ah, he's going to Ottawa.
00:41:42Him and your other accomplice.
00:41:43The cookie guy with the beautiful hair.
00:41:45They are not my accomplices.
00:41:47So you do think I'm done?
00:41:48Okay.
00:41:49That's how we're gonna play?
00:41:50No, listen, I just, I just, I need to talk to a lawyer, okay?
00:41:52I do get one phone call.
00:41:53Oh, my friend, that is what you're on.
00:41:56You see, I'm not the police.
00:41:57And you don't get to call nobody.
00:42:00All right.
00:42:06What?
00:42:08What?
00:42:10What's up, man?
00:42:11What?
00:42:12How can't they do?
00:42:13What's up, how it?
00:42:15Up, up, up.
00:42:35What is this place?
00:42:37My summer bomb shelter, of course.
00:42:40Jason Biggs.
00:42:41What?
00:42:42Were you expecting Todd Simmons or something?
00:42:44Uh-oh.
00:42:46That was good.
00:42:47Oh, my goodness.
00:42:47That was fantastic.
00:42:51You're supposed to be dead.
00:42:52God, you look terrible, buddy.
00:42:54Tiago, did you offer him a drink?
00:42:55I did not.
00:42:55What about some mango?
00:42:56I could slice one up for you.
00:42:58I'm okay.
00:43:00What do you think, Tiago?
00:43:01Should we, like, tie him up or something?
00:43:03Is that a good idea?
00:43:03No, it's really whatever you feel, Jason.
00:43:05I don't know, Tiago.
00:43:06That's why I was asking you.
00:43:08Do we even have rope?
00:43:09Oh, we have rope.
00:43:10Okay, great.
00:43:10Then we might as well use it, right?
00:43:12Mm-hmm.
00:43:13Maybe some duct tape for his mouth?
00:43:15Huh?
00:43:15How's that look?
00:43:17Perfect.
00:43:17Great.
00:43:18Well done, Tiago.
00:43:19Go have yourself some mango.
00:43:21Hey, man, I don't want to be rude, but I'm kind of, like, up to here with mangoes for today.
00:43:25So.
00:43:31Suit yourself.
00:43:33Lots of good mangoes not being taken advantage of.
00:43:35Sure.
00:43:36Sure.
00:43:37So.
00:43:38You are probably wondering, why haven't we shot you in the face yet?
00:43:41Mm-hmm.
00:43:42It's because we need your brother, the criminal, formerly known as Sheriff Deacon Shrimp.
00:43:49You see, I am the victim here, okay?
00:43:53Sure.
00:43:54Myself and thousands of others may be faking our death in order to, well, I'm sure you know all that.
00:44:04What's that?
00:44:10Do you get, what?
00:44:11Just one more time.
00:44:14This is, this is making me so uncomfortable.
00:44:16This whole, like, you know, tied up interrogation vibe, it makes me feel like the bad guy.
00:44:20And you're not the bad guy.
00:44:21Exactly.
00:44:21You are the victim.
00:44:23Let's scale it back.
00:44:24Let's scale it back.
00:44:24Yeah, a little bit.
00:44:25Scaling it back.
00:44:25Okay.
00:44:31Nope.
00:44:32Oh, okay.
00:44:35How does this look, Tiago?
00:44:36Yeah, you know, it looks like two guys just casually enjoying mangoes.
00:44:40Perfect.
00:44:41Perfect.
00:44:42Yeah, great.
00:44:42Great.
00:44:43Now, where was I?
00:44:44Ah, yes.
00:44:45The point is, I am not hurting anyone.
00:44:49But if I don't have my ticket, this whole charade would be for naught.
00:44:54Right?
00:44:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:44:55Right.
00:44:56So, I need you to contact your brother and explain the situation.
00:45:00What is the situation?
00:45:01That I'm being held hostage?
00:45:04Hold up.
00:45:05Whoa.
00:45:06Wait a minute.
00:45:07Stop that.
00:45:08Yikes.
00:45:09Woo, big word.
00:45:09No, that's, uh, ooh, that word.
00:45:11And again, I am not the bad guy.
00:45:15Okay?
00:45:16You know what?
00:45:17Yep.
00:45:17Tiago?
00:45:18Yep.
00:45:18Bring the ropes back.
00:45:20Okay.
00:45:21Much better.
00:45:22Much better.
00:45:23Now, you need...
00:45:25To inform your brother that he has 24 hours to find that Kyle friend of his.
00:45:30Uh, it's, it's Clyle.
00:45:32What?
00:45:32His name is Clyle.
00:45:34Are you, like, stuttering, or is...
00:45:35No, it's Clyle.
00:45:37Clyle?
00:45:38With, uh, the Nell song?
00:45:39Yeah.
00:45:40Oh.
00:45:40K-L-Y-L-E.
00:45:42Oh.
00:45:43Oh.
00:45:43Stupid name.
00:45:44Yeah.
00:45:45That does explain, though, why he's been so difficult to track.
00:45:47He got you.
00:45:48Yeah.
00:45:48Very clever.
00:45:49Very clever.
00:45:50Regardless.
00:45:51You need to facilitate returning what is rightfully mine, or...
00:45:57This dog gets it.
00:45:59Wh-whose dog is that?
00:46:01Lives are on the line here!
00:46:04Don't make Tiago become the bad guy.
00:46:06I'll do it, but I don't want to.
00:46:07Daddy doesn't even have a cell phone.
00:46:09There's literally no way to contact him.
00:46:10Oh, well, in that case, Tiago...
00:46:12Bye-bye, puppy.
00:46:12No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I just remembered.
00:46:15He gave me this.
00:46:19Damn it.
00:46:20Oopsie.
00:46:20Tiago?
00:46:21Yep.
00:46:23Did we not frisk him?
00:46:24I did.
00:46:25I did, Jason.
00:46:25I swear.
00:46:26It's just I got super distracted by his massive amount of foreskin, man.
00:46:30It was like tickling a sharp paint, man.
00:46:32You could feel all that?
00:46:33Dude, you can see it!
00:46:35Oh, my God.
00:46:36Wow.
00:46:37You can see it.
00:46:38Yep.
00:46:39Very nice.
00:46:40What is it?
00:46:41I don't know.
00:46:41He told me it's like a locating beacon for if we ever get separated.
00:46:47This is obviously just a black Rubik's Cube.
00:46:50Well, I see what's happening.
00:46:51You think we're dumb.
00:46:52No, no, no.
00:46:52No, no, no.
00:46:53Nope.
00:46:54No, not at all.
00:46:56I know my tech, and that is definitely some elder high tech right there.
00:47:00Okay, fine.
00:47:02How does it work, smart guy?
00:47:03I don't know.
00:47:08What if I just like twist it?
00:47:10Good thinking.
00:47:10Great.
00:47:11You too.
00:47:11Oh, no, no, no.
00:47:15Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:47:41Goes to sleep. Wakes up a butterfly. Oh, what the fuck is that about? What the fuck is that about?
00:48:10There's Mr. Sleepyhead. What happened? I don't know. You were just having one crazy-ass nightmare
00:48:16or something. I'm just kidding. Jason Biggs really did kidnap you. I figured you'd wander
00:48:21off at some point and get snagged by one of his minions. So the beacon I gave you was
00:48:25actually an elder stun grenade. What the fuck is going on? I haven't been completely honest
00:48:36with you. No shit. The police aren't the only ones that are after me. I had in my possession
00:48:40extremely classified information. Proof that aliens not only exist, but have been living
00:48:45amongst us since the 1996 Summer Olympics.
00:48:51You just had your first run-in with a member of the coalition. They're a group of tech giants
00:48:56and celebrities and politicians who have been secretly dealing with said extraterrestrial
00:49:00beings. We call them elders. Selling Earth's natural resources for decades.
00:49:09The coalition agreed to let the elders suck the Earth dry under two conditions. One, that
00:49:14they would provide space shuttles to go to a new habitable world. And two, that they'd get
00:49:1810% of the back end.
00:49:24Why do you think so many rich and famous people have been dying at such a rapid pace these last
00:49:28few years? Take Jason Biggs for instance. It's because they're not dying. They're covering
00:49:32up for the fact that they're leaving this godforsaken rock for greener pastures.
00:49:35I didn't believe it either until I saw Jason Biggs face down in a mango. It might be the
00:49:39most insane conspiracy theory on the planet, but if everything Danny's saying is true, then
00:49:43we gotta do something about it.
00:49:45I don't care. Stop involving me in this. We want to let the world know that the planet
00:49:52is being sold off by the coalition.
00:49:54I don't care. I just want to go to Ottawa. That's it.
00:49:58We're going to make it to Ottawa and you're going to get there on time. And once the whistle
00:50:01is blown, no one can touch us. Like Snowden and other tattletales will be protected and
00:50:05our names will be cleared. But you're going to have to stick with us. Okay, buddy? How
00:50:10do you feel about that?
00:50:20Goddamn coalition. We don't have time for this. You alright? Just wanted a better life.
00:50:39A fresh start in a new place.
00:50:41You'll get it. One way or another.
00:50:44Look at what he's done to me. Oh wait. You can't. Because you prefer to be blind. This
00:50:54isn't normal.
00:50:55There's no such thing as normal, Luke. Look, I used to have a strong narrative that I believed
00:50:59in. But after my mom's death and losing everything to a house built fire, I realized the only way
00:51:04I was going to survive this chaotic world. If I just kept admitting to myself that I don't
00:51:09get it. I had to accept the absurdity. Except the chaos. Except the Todd Simmons of it all.
00:51:14Okay. Thanks. We gotta go. Right now.
00:51:24Hey, boss. I just have a couple of notes. But I don't want you to take this the wrong way.
00:51:30Okay?
00:51:31Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Okay, sometimes I feel like we can shorten the time between talking to the people and
00:51:39killing them.
00:51:40That's a good note. Good note. Thank you. You know, the power that you exude when you, like, say less
00:51:46is wow.
00:51:47I understand what you're saying. I get it. I get it. Thank you, Tiago.
00:51:50But, like, do you, though? Yes, Tiago. I said I get it.
00:51:53God.
00:51:59I have what you seek. If you'd like to end this race, come to the following coordinates with $27.7
00:52:05million in a large Gucci Vuitton briefcase.
00:52:09This is quiet, by the way. You know I don't mess around.
00:52:19I don't turn this off. I was not shitting.
00:52:22No.
00:52:26Did you hear that?
00:52:29No, I'm pretty far away.
00:52:30What?
00:52:31No, because I'm pretty far away.
00:52:33Okay.
00:52:35Hey, Tiago, what rhymes with 1230 AM?
00:52:39Phlegm.
00:52:39Phlegm.
00:52:40Okay, yeah. I can make that work.
00:52:42Huh. Looks like Clio just crossed the border.
00:52:45How do you know?
00:52:46Oh, same reason I knew where Luke was. Microchips.
00:52:49You see, your soccer mom conspiracy theorist thinks that the government tracks us through vaccines.
00:52:53Not true. In fact, not even the elders have that kind of tech.
00:52:56No, it's any time you go get your teeth cleaned or cavity filled, the dentist injects you with microchips.
00:53:01So you're saying all dentists are actually undercover government agents?
00:53:04Contractors, yes. Think about it.
00:53:05I mean, have you ever met a dentist that doesn't seem like they're hiding some horrible secret?
00:53:09The answer is no.
00:53:11So, what's our plan for crossing, Badger?
00:53:13Ah!
00:53:14Ha!
00:53:15Ha-ha!
00:53:16Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:53:18Ha!
00:53:18Now it's time for you to get a taste of your own bullshit.
00:53:21Go on, tell them, Allison.
00:53:22Tell them that you're not really a Badger or whatever the fuck.
00:53:25No, no, no, better yet.
00:53:26Why don't you say...
00:53:28I haven't been completely honest with you, Danny.
00:53:31Luke, I don't think you...
00:53:32No, no, no!
00:53:32Just tell them the truth!
00:53:37I haven't been completely honest with you, Danny.
00:53:40Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:53:42What do you mean?
00:53:48I mean, the subterranean bobsled track that was big enough to smuggle cars to collapse
00:53:54last fall.
00:53:54We're going to have to pass across Route 11 using a basic diversion tactic.
00:53:57From 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., there are only two agents stopping us from getting across.
00:53:59From there, it's a straight shot to Highway 34.
00:54:02Goddammit!
00:54:02Okay.
00:54:03So your subterranean bobsled track, that's like a Canadian version of an Underground Railroad...
00:54:08Shut up!
00:54:08It would have been perfect!
00:54:09No matter.
00:54:10So, uh, what's your diversion plan?
00:54:12I'll leave that up to you.
00:54:13But it's got to be big.
00:54:14Um, afterwards, meet up at these coordinates just north of the border.
00:54:17Copy that.
00:54:18Roger.
00:54:19Over and out.
00:54:20These days, it's hard to hold anyone's attention, so it's got to make as little sense as possible.
00:54:24We need to make a few stops.
00:54:38Woo!
00:54:38Well, that went smoothly.
00:54:41Okay.
00:54:41According to Clio's teeth, he's just off the main road by Big Mountain Crest.
00:54:45Aren't you going to even ask me how I made it look like I sucked the blood out of that
00:54:47live chicken without actually having...
00:54:53There you go, there you go.
00:55:04Oh, my god.
00:55:17What happened?
00:55:19Is that rhetorical, or can you actually not see?
00:55:22Both.
00:55:29Whoa.
00:55:32I can tell by Clio's teeth he's still alive.
00:55:35We just have to follow his tracks.
00:55:37And you can see here he was dragged off by several people,
00:55:40or one person who was really good at breakdancing.
00:55:43We'll go with the former.
00:55:49You okay, bud?
00:55:50Oh, yeah, I'm totally cool, man.
00:55:53I know that look.
00:55:54You look like you're about to have a psychotic break.
00:55:57Right again, Danny?
00:55:58You've actually been right about a lot lately.
00:56:01But?
00:56:01No, there's no but, man.
00:56:03You're fucking Galileo.
00:56:04You're the boy with the wolf.
00:56:06In fact, I can't believe I'm about to say this
00:56:08after everything that you've put me through,
00:56:09but I am sorry for ever doubting you.
00:56:13You clearly know more about how the world works than I do.
00:56:16I would give you a hug right now if I could, but, you know.
00:56:19Meh.
00:56:20That's so sweet.
00:56:22I'm glad you finally came around.
00:56:24Yeah.
00:56:28Oh, I love you, man.
00:56:29I love you, too.
00:56:32Fuck!
00:56:33No, no, back off!
00:56:34Back off!
00:56:35Fuck!
00:56:36I am Cops!
00:56:36I am B-Cops!
00:56:37I'm the only one who's talking!
00:56:38No, no, no, no!
00:56:39Die!
00:56:40Oh, that's better.
00:56:42Ow!
00:56:42What are you doing?
00:56:43Go over!
00:56:43Oh!
00:56:44Oh!
00:56:46Oh!
00:56:46Oh!
00:56:47Oh!
00:56:49Oh!
00:56:50Oh, Jesus Christ!
00:56:51Back off!
00:56:51Look at me, I said, please, look at me!
00:56:52You look at me!
00:56:53You can't even see!
00:56:54You can't see any of this!
00:56:55Get the fucking glasses!
00:56:56What the fuck?
00:56:57Okay, enough!
00:56:58Fuck!
00:57:01Ow!
00:57:01Fuck, I did too much.
00:57:02Give me one more.
00:57:03Ah!
00:57:03Yeah, we're even.
00:57:04Okay.
00:57:05Oh!
00:57:06Ah!
00:57:08Go over here!
00:57:09Wait, what about our deal?
00:57:10I'm dealing with this!
00:57:11Hey, a deal is a deal.
00:57:12We signed the contract in Taco Gary's Waka Foli Picante.
00:57:14I did my part.
00:57:15Hey.
00:57:16Take your damn ticket.
00:57:19Wait up!
00:57:21Good luck.
00:57:25Got the golden ticket.
00:57:27I'm not mad, bro.
00:57:28I'm proud of you for taking the initiative.
00:57:30You don't need me anymore.
00:57:31Let me go!
00:57:32There's no point in leaving, Luke.
00:57:35I haven't been completely honest with you.
00:57:38There is no job in Ottawa.
00:57:40Nice try.
00:57:41Go fuck yourself.
00:57:42There's not.
00:57:42I made the whole thing up.
00:57:44It's not gonna work!
00:57:45All right, if you don't believe me,
00:57:47take the name of that new dinosaur,
00:57:50Snomastot,
00:57:50and spell it backwards.
00:57:53As if that's the stupidest thing I've ever...
00:57:56You...
00:58:01You...
00:58:02No.
00:58:04No.
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:05No.
00:58:05Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:58:06It spells Todd Simmons, doesn't it?
00:58:10I'm sorry, brother,
00:58:11but the ends justify the beans.
00:58:12Okay, this is for your own good.
00:58:17It was you?
00:58:19This whole time?
00:58:21The months of emails and the calls?
00:58:27The fucking femur bump?
00:58:29Yeah.
00:58:30It was a lot of work,
00:58:31but I knew it was the only way to safely get you to Ottawa.
00:58:36Why do you hate me so much?
00:58:38I don't hate you.
00:58:39I love you.
00:58:41And it doesn't change anything.
00:58:43Whether you like it or not,
00:58:44I'm the one that got you into this mess,
00:58:46and I'm the only one who could get you out,
00:58:47so we have to stick together.
00:58:49All right, look, feel free to punch me.
00:58:51I deserve it.
00:58:51Come on, let me have it.
00:58:52I can't feel my face anyway.
00:59:10Come on, bro, I'm sorry.
00:59:12Just let me explain everything, all right?
00:59:20Clile, you dirty piece of shit.
00:59:23I know exactly what happened here.
00:59:25He's trying to give the prize back to the Coalition,
00:59:27but got taken instead.
00:59:29The backstabber becomes the backstab,
00:59:32stabby, got stabbed in the back guy.
00:59:35If he only knew that money would be completely worthless
00:59:37in two weeks anyways.
00:59:45Jason Biggs, he's trying to...
00:59:47Never mind.
00:59:49There we go, here we go.
00:59:51Okay, do the rope, rope, rope, rope, rope.
00:59:53Uh, huh?
00:59:54Yeah, there you go.
00:59:56Okay.
00:59:56Very hostage.
00:59:57Hey, hey, look at me.
00:59:58No, look at me.
00:59:59I'm not the bad guy, okay?
01:00:01I'm as much of a victim as you are.
01:00:03You think I want to be here?
01:00:04I don't want to be doing this.
01:00:05Neither do I.
01:00:06That's why I'm out of here.
01:00:08Oh, shit.
01:00:09What is he doing?
01:00:10I believe he's trying to kick us.
01:00:13And that's why you never take martial arts lessons
01:00:16from Cash Israel.
01:00:17It's all leg sweeps.
01:00:18Sweep.
01:00:18Marco.
01:00:19Follow.
01:00:20Okay.
01:00:20No, it's sweet.
01:00:21Man, go over there and see.
01:00:23Marco.
01:00:24Follow.
01:00:25Okay, now go over there.
01:00:26Sweep.
01:00:26Follow.
01:00:27To you.
01:00:28How long do we let you go?
01:00:29Sweep.
01:00:30What is he doing?
01:00:31Axe kick.
01:00:33Hey, Brady.
01:00:34Hey, hey.
01:00:35Let me kiss.
01:00:35Yeah, that was really funny.
01:00:36Hey, come.
01:00:37Okay.
01:00:38Let's lay down over there, man.
01:00:39Is it a rest area?
01:00:39Yeah, rest area.
01:00:40Just watch the knees.
01:00:41Watch the knees.
01:00:41Here?
01:00:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:00:43I got you.
01:00:45Shit.
01:00:49Oh, God.
01:00:50What are you?
01:00:50I can't see what's supposed to land on the car.
01:00:52Go check the minivan.
01:00:52Oh.
01:00:53It's going to be in there somewhere.
01:00:54Yes.
01:00:54They don't have it yet.
01:00:55Hold my weight.
01:00:56Okay, I got you.
01:00:57Wait a minute.
01:00:57Remember when Clio was talking about a secret smuggling compartment
01:01:00under the minivan passenger seat?
01:01:02Oh, shit.
01:01:02They killed him.
01:01:03Yes, it has to be there.
01:01:04Come on.
01:01:08Come on, bro.
01:01:12She's stranded us here.
01:01:14I should have known better.
01:01:15It's like Todd Simmons always said.
01:01:17Danny.
01:01:18Hang on.
01:01:19Hang on.
01:01:21I think it's in here.
01:01:22I got it.
01:01:23I got it.
01:01:24I found it.
01:01:25I got it.
01:01:26I don't care.
01:01:26Well, you should care.
01:01:27This is probably the most important thing that you'll ever laugh.
01:01:30Crack.
01:01:30Oh, shit.
01:01:35Sir.
01:01:36Can I have a hug?
01:01:38Sir, can I just please have one hug?
01:01:44Sorry, man.
01:01:46Oh.
01:01:47Oh, let's do this.
01:01:49How many times did you drink me again?
01:01:50I don't know, like five?
01:01:52I need a bump of coke.
01:01:55Oh, dear.
01:01:56You're going to be kidding me.
01:02:02Come on.
01:02:05Come on.
01:02:15Oh.
01:02:15Fuck it.
01:02:18Oh, sorry.
01:02:21I'm starting here.
01:02:22Okay.
01:02:23Fuck.
01:02:24No.
01:02:24Okay.
01:02:25God.
01:02:27Too many fucking pedals!
01:02:29Okay.
01:02:30God!
01:02:31This is work!
01:02:32Fuck!
01:02:35No!
01:02:38Leave me alone!
01:02:46Hang on, dude!
01:03:05All right!
01:03:06Let's go!
01:03:07No!
01:03:10No!
01:03:11Go!
01:03:12Go!
01:03:13Go!
01:03:14Go!
01:03:14Go!
01:03:15Go!
01:03:15Go!
01:03:16Go!
01:03:17Go!
01:03:18Welcome back to Taco Gary's.
01:03:22Check your weapons in with me, sir.
01:03:28Okay.
01:03:37Okay, buddy. Wakey, wakey.
01:03:42It's okay, it's okay. You're safe now.
01:03:44What happened? Where are we? Are we in the shuttle?
01:03:45No, we're at Taco Gary's. You passed out.
01:03:48Oh, really? Yeah.
01:03:49That doesn't sound like me.
01:03:50I must have been trying to teach you a valuable life lesson or something.
01:03:53Hey, guys. I gotta say, this has been a blast.
01:03:57Really, all the chasing and the shooting. Wow. How fun.
01:04:01Okay, it has had its moments.
01:04:03Come on, right? We've been having a great time.
01:04:05What was your favorite? Like the...
01:04:07Marco Polo was funny. That was really funny.
01:04:09Watching him run around, he was like...
01:04:11He thought there were like six of you. Yeah, I wasn't.
01:04:12It was great. Anyway, please hand it over.
01:04:15Oh, you want it?
01:04:17Okay, listen. This motherfucker.
01:04:19We are aware...
01:04:20Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh.
01:04:21We are aware of the Taco Gary's truce.
01:04:23But you're gonna have to leave eventually if you want to catch that shuttle.
01:04:26Oh, really? So you could kill us too?
01:04:28If you just hand over the ticket, we will let bygones be bygones.
01:04:32You blew my best friend's head off.
01:04:35He said you were just associates.
01:04:36No, we were best...
01:04:39Actually, you know what? I never really liked the guy.
01:04:41Hey guys, look me in the eyeball. Right here, okay?
01:04:44Last chance to save your skins.
01:04:45Please just fucking hand it over.
01:04:47Yeah, just give it back to him, baby.
01:04:48No.
01:04:49Fuck you, Jason Biggs, and your Portuguese Popeye.
01:04:52Super rude.
01:04:52People need to know about this.
01:04:54Why? So they can pretend to know what's best for humanity?
01:04:56Please.
01:04:58Leave that to us celebrities.
01:05:00Yeah, and celebrity adjacent people.
01:05:01No.
01:05:02You talked about this to me.
01:05:03Just celebrities.
01:05:04Sorry I did it again.
01:05:05That is enough.
01:05:06Oh my goodness.
01:05:11What's this now?
01:05:12It's a suicide elder.
01:05:13What?
01:05:13A fucking alien, dude.
01:05:27You two.
01:05:28Stand up.
01:05:29Your majesty, these are the ones that have...
01:05:31Silence, unless you would like to ejaculate guacamole picante.
01:05:35What?
01:05:36I can make any human secrete guacamole picante from any orifice.
01:05:40Behold.
01:05:46See?
01:05:49What do you want, you conquistador?
01:05:53Clever.
01:05:55Follow me.
01:05:56Daniel.
01:05:57Lucas.
01:05:59We travel by Silver Sonic.
01:06:02No one would suspect the master race of the galaxy to drive a spacious yet affordable compact sedan.
01:06:07A great cover with a great turning radius.
01:06:10Just get to the point.
01:06:11Ah, yes.
01:06:12I have been following you two for some time now.
01:06:14Maybe.
01:06:15You want to expose us.
01:06:17Hell yeah we do.
01:06:18This can't be.
01:06:19Now, why is...
01:06:21A galactic super race interested in Earth?
01:06:23I will soon show you.
01:06:25Trust me, Luke.
01:06:25You don't want to know.
01:06:26No, no, no.
01:06:27He should know the whole truth.
01:06:29We are here for the same reason why your people invade...
01:06:33Well, anywhere.
01:06:34Oil.
01:06:35For fuck's sakes!
01:06:37Yes, it is true.
01:06:38Every planet in the galaxy runs on oil.
01:06:41Told you, Luke.
01:06:42It's fucking bonkers.
01:06:43We are currently collecting the last of your earthly reserves.
01:06:46Once our extraction is complete, we plan on exterminating all life on this planet.
01:06:51Why?
01:06:53Dead organic material mixes with other sediment when buried.
01:06:56Over millions of years, under high pressure and high temperature, the remains of these
01:07:01organisms transform into what we know as fossil fuels.
01:07:05By exterminating all life, we are simply creating a new oil reserve to be harvested in
01:07:1016 million years, which to an elder is not long at all.
01:07:14We did the same process with the organisms you call dinosaurs.
01:07:18You killed the dinosaurs?
01:07:20Literally my one and only interest?
01:07:23Told you you weren't ready.
01:07:24No, no, no, no.
01:07:25This doesn't make any sense, because if you can fly through space and live for millions
01:07:29of years, then why don't you just synthesize your own fucking oil?
01:07:32It is very political.
01:07:34Too many jobs would be lost by transitioning to greener hypercoils.
01:07:38Fucking unions.
01:07:39However, we are not barbarian invaders.
01:07:42Therefore, we have made a deal with your chieftains.
01:07:44In exchange for the oil and destruction of all life, we have allowed for passage to a brand-new
01:07:51planet development in the Midwestern Milky Way.
01:07:54I think I'm gonna throw up.
01:07:58Was it something I said?
01:08:00Uh, yeah.
01:08:01It's everything you said.
01:08:02Listen, human, we elders are not without our empathy.
01:08:08I feel your plight and your anguish.
01:08:13Cool.
01:08:14You'll be glad to know that I will be asking our board of directors for a 100-year delay
01:08:18in humanity's destruction.
01:08:20100 years?
01:08:21Yes.
01:08:22All you must do is continue to keep our existence a secret.
01:08:26Why?
01:08:28I wasn't sworn to anything.
01:08:29I'm not part of the coalition.
01:08:30You are now.
01:08:46Fuck it.
01:08:47And I will transfer the $27.7 million into your bank account immediately.
01:08:53Was that all?
01:08:54You're forgetting one thing.
01:08:56Ah, yes.
01:08:57I will also free the squid people underneath Santa Fe, New Mexico.
01:09:01Great.
01:09:02I gotta hand it to you.
01:09:03I was not expecting this from a smug alien fuck like yourself, but you got yourself a deal.
01:09:09Fantastic.
01:09:10Now we seal the agreement with a simple genital cupping.
01:09:13Of course we do.
01:09:14Fucking weirdos.
01:09:17They're a little higher.
01:09:19Oh, Jesus.
01:09:23Come now.
01:09:33Oh dear, Locke.
01:09:36There.
01:09:37Happy now?
01:09:38We got all the proof that you need and then we can just return the whatever the fuck to
01:09:41Jason and-
01:09:42What the fuck are you doing?
01:09:43You idiot.
01:09:44We were just about to-
01:09:46Actually, you know what?
01:09:47Fuck it.
01:09:47It's better this way.
01:09:47Come on.
01:09:48Let's go.
01:09:48What about the alien?
01:09:51Oh, yeah.
01:09:52Uh, I haven't been completely honest with you.
01:09:56God damn it.
01:09:57The plan was never to reveal them to the world or blow any whistles, okay?
01:10:01Then why are you doing all of this?
01:10:03What is the point?
01:10:04Why did I just assault a freaking alien?
01:10:07I didn't tell you to do that.
01:10:08Look, whatever.
01:10:09The world's about to end and the shuttle's leaving today.
01:10:11So forget this thing and it's a two-headed gig.
01:10:13Come on.
01:10:25Please answer the question.
01:10:27Why are you trying to fuck me over so hard?
01:10:29Why am I here?
01:10:30I told you.
01:10:31The shuttle is here.
01:10:32What shuttle?
01:10:35Fuck!
01:10:37Bingo bongo.
01:10:38Come on.
01:10:39Confirmed.
01:10:40Welcome.
01:10:41The entrance to the spaceport is around here somewhere.
01:10:43I'm 99.7% sure this is where the elders first made contact.
01:10:46This is where they had their first Taco Gary's taco.
01:10:48It has to be here.
01:10:49It could look like anything.
01:10:50It could be tiny.
01:10:51It could be invisible.
01:10:52It definitely won't look like a door.
01:11:19Is this it?
01:11:25Yes!
01:11:27Yes! Yes! Good eye! Yes!
01:11:31Come on. Come on.
01:11:40Don't. Don't. Don't.
01:11:47Don't go!
01:11:49Holy shit. Hmm?
01:12:00Welcome to the Taco Gary's Interstellar Spaceport. Located in beautiful...
01:12:06...on Hawaii, birthplace of the bingo bongo.
01:12:10Don't forget to post your flight at the end of our Taco Gary's.
01:12:14They are so dear, with our famous sloppy sauce.
01:12:17It's always great to be here at Taco Gary's.
01:12:21So eat up, like there's no tomorrow.
01:12:25Luke, I haven't been completely honest with you.
01:12:29Yeah, I know that.
01:12:30No, but you don't know why.
01:12:31The reason I haven't been completely honest with you until this exact moment is because you'd never believe it all
01:12:36at once.
01:12:38It's fair.
01:12:38When I found out that we only had a couple weeks left, I knew I had to get you on
01:12:42the last shuttle out of here.
01:12:43And I know, I've done nothing but lie to you. But if there was ever a time for you to
01:12:48trust me, it's right now.
01:12:51So you're gonna take this ticket, and you're gonna get on that shuttle. You know why?
01:12:57Because your life depends on it. Take it.
01:13:01But it's my ticket. It was meant for me. You are not seeming to grasp the complaint here.
01:13:07Present it and you may board.
01:13:08It was stolen!
01:13:09Oh, that's too bad. Possession may be nine-tenths of the law for humans. It is 100% for elders.
01:13:14We do not have laws against stealing.
01:13:16What? Why not?
01:13:17Because we do not steal, duh.
01:13:19Every elder has what he slash she slash needs.
01:13:22And it's portable gasoline.
01:13:24What was that?
01:13:24What was that?
01:13:25Hm? What?
01:13:26To the excess what?
01:13:27What?
01:13:27Look, this isn't fair, okay? I faked my own death already!
01:13:30I'm sorry. But no ticket, no boarding.
01:13:33Jason, look!
01:13:36Go, go, go, go!
01:13:40Next.
01:13:40Attention all passengers. The shuttle will be boarding in seven minutes.
01:13:44But what about you?
01:13:45Don't worry about me. You've done enough of that in your life, okay? This is me returning the favor.
01:13:49No, no, because if all that were true, then why me, man?
01:13:54And why not, like, a doctor or even a competent swimmer?
01:13:58Because you offer something that most of these self-entitled, important people here don't.
01:14:03You are a good person.
01:14:06You care about your neighbors, your family. You make people feel good about themselves.
01:14:11Yeah, sure, the new world will need innovators and goal-driven risk-takers to keep humanity moving forward,
01:14:17but kind, delicate, good neighbors like yourself are the foundation.
01:14:22So knowing that there'll be good people like you on Earth 2.0 gives me hope.
01:14:26And that's more than enough for me.
01:14:31This is absolutely insane.
01:14:33I know it is. It's fucking insane.
01:14:35But I need you to embrace the chaos. I need you to accept the Todd Simmons of it all.
01:14:40Look, I'm asking you. Do you trust me?
01:14:50I can't believe I'm about to say this, but...
01:14:53Yeah.
01:14:55Thanks, man.
01:14:56Cough, cough.
01:14:58I can't believe my good luck. Makes me wonder why I didn't just wait for you guys here.
01:15:02But alas, can't change the past. Anyway, this is the part of the story...
01:15:07Hey, Jason, please. Hello?
01:15:07What?
01:15:08You're doing it again, man.
01:15:09Doing what again?
01:15:10The fucking monologue we talked about.
01:15:12Not this. Sorry.
01:15:12Yeah, please just shoot them.
01:15:13You're right. Much simpler.
01:15:14No more mufflers. Thank you very much.
01:15:19Tiago?
01:15:20Yep, that was on me. So sorry.
01:15:23What the fuck, man?
01:15:30What the fuck, man?
01:15:43What do we do now?
01:15:51Oopsie. Looks like it's over, no?
01:15:55You see, we are covering the only exit.
01:15:59But tell you what. You come on out, and there will be no more bloodshed.
01:16:04Permesa portuguesa.
01:16:05Nada. Esa portuguesa promise.
01:16:11I knew it would end one day in an office.
01:16:13What?
01:16:14Nothing. I have a plan.
01:16:15When I give you the signal, you run back to the space door.
01:16:19Got it?
01:16:20What about you?
01:16:20Didn't I tell you to stop worrying about me?
01:16:26What the fuck?
01:16:34Bingo, bongo, get your tickets to outer space, hear?
01:16:37Hey.
01:16:40Hey, assholes! I have your prize! Come and get it!
01:16:43Jesus, what the fuck are you doing, you idiot?
01:16:46Come and get it, you mango-eating motherfuckers.
01:16:50Hey, Luke! This is the signal!
01:16:52Go, go, go! Luke, go, run!
01:16:55Thank you. Well, well, well. Seems to me...
01:16:59Brother, please, not another fucking monologue. Please.
01:17:01You're right. Let me just do it.
01:17:02Go ahead, go ahead.
01:17:03Thank you so much.
01:17:04Run, Luke!
01:17:05Luke!
01:17:10So many ears got a face that's old
01:17:13Saw the world unfold
01:17:17And the truth be told
01:17:18In a steadfast love
01:17:21In a steadfast love
01:17:36This is still a bastard
01:17:38Oh, my God, this is so sad.
01:17:40It's not? They look great
01:17:40It was so good.
01:17:42Yeah, they looked really good.
01:17:45Is this empty?
01:17:46Son of a-
01:17:47It's empty!
01:17:48What? That motherfucker's right there!
01:17:50Son...
01:17:51Come on!
01:18:19The boarding pass, please.
01:18:23I know what you're thinking.
01:18:24Why don't you just go ahead and shoot me already?
01:18:26Doesn't even matter as the world will end in two weeks.
01:18:28But this isn't easy for us.
01:18:30Jesus Christ, man, can you literally not help yourself with the monologue shit?
01:18:34Sorry, what do you mean the world's gonna end in two weeks?
01:18:37Oh, come on.
01:18:38I told you this is the last shuttle.
01:18:40I thought you figured it out already.
01:18:42No, I didn't figure it out.
01:18:43Wait, are the elders destroying the Earth?
01:18:45No, no, no, not at all.
01:18:46Oh, thank goodness.
01:18:47Just all life on Earth.
01:18:48What?
01:18:48Why did you just tell me the truth, man?
01:18:50No one wants to believe the truth anymore.
01:18:52You said I wouldn't inherit your fortune.
01:18:54You still do.
01:18:55And I have like two weeks to spend it?
01:18:56Twelve days, technically.
01:18:57Oh, you lied.
01:18:59Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:19:00Tiago, what are you doing, buddy?
01:19:03Come on, it's me, Jason.
01:19:05So I wasn't completely honest with you, but it was for your own good, buddy.
01:19:09I wanted your last precious moments to be lived in blissful ignorance.
01:19:13Again, I am the good guy here.
01:19:16Actually, no, Jason.
01:19:17You are not the good guy.
01:19:18You are the bad guy.
01:19:20You have always been the bad guy.
01:19:22Ah.
01:19:23You take that back.
01:19:25I am the hero.
01:19:28Leonardo, come on.
01:19:29Help me out here.
01:19:32This is why you should never trust the Portuguese.
01:19:34What did you say?
01:19:34What was that?
01:19:34You said something about the Portuguese?
01:19:35No, nothing.
01:19:36No, fuck you, man.
01:19:37You know how it changed for you?
01:19:39And fuck this eyepatch.
01:19:40You know he told me to wear it because it would make me more intimidating?
01:19:43Well, guess what?
01:19:43It doesn't.
01:19:44This gun does.
01:19:45New plan.
01:19:46I'm taking the fucking ticket.
01:19:50The hell?
01:19:51What is that supposed to be?
01:19:54Is that supposed to be a...
01:19:56Uh, give me a sec.
01:19:57You can't take my eyes off and look at it.
01:19:59Give me a second.
01:20:00Give me a sec.
01:20:01Ah, but what's the significance of the boobs, though?
01:20:03It's super hypnotic, but it makes no sense, though.
01:20:06Wait a minute.
01:20:07Wait a minute.
01:20:08It's not supposed to make any sense.
01:20:11Because it's a ruse.
01:20:16Fart muffin!
01:20:21He shot there!
01:20:22I know.
01:20:23Just keep running.
01:20:25There's a final boarding call from the last shuttle to New Earth.
01:20:28Doors will be closing momentarily.
01:20:30If you do not wish to be incinerated and repurposed as fossil fuel,
01:20:32please proceed to gate immediately.
01:20:40Okay.
01:20:41I got it.
01:20:42I got it.
01:20:43I got it.
01:20:44I got it.
01:20:54Excuse me, sirs, but murder is not allowed in a Taco Gary's.
01:20:59And this port is technically on Taco Gary's property.
01:21:03So, you know the penalty.
01:21:04You see why I kept you in the dark?
01:21:06I see it now.
01:21:07I'm sorry.
01:21:08Oh, wow.
01:21:10This is all your fault.
01:21:11I know.
01:21:12I'm sorry.
01:21:15What's that smell?
01:21:16I don't know, dude.
01:21:17Mangoes?
01:21:18Oh, yes.
01:21:19Mangoes!
01:21:22Oh, dear.
01:21:26Welcome aboard.
01:21:31Oh, dear.
01:21:46Well, I came along to find a little piece of mine
01:21:51Neglecting all my duties, snapping off that straight in line
01:22:03Look, Luke, this is gonna be hard to hear, but it's what Dan expected to happen all along.
01:22:09He never planned on leaving, but he didn't want you to be alone.
01:22:14I still don't get it.
01:22:15Embrace it.
01:22:16Look, this is the norm, Luke.
01:22:18The world is always ending.
01:22:19Things never make total sense, and sometimes our only option is to just go with the flow.
01:22:24It's the one thing we can control.
01:22:28Do you know who said that?
01:22:32Do you know who said that?
01:22:42Todd Simmons.
01:22:50And now you get it.
01:23:18La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
01:23:35la, la, la, la.
01:23:39Learn about, by the wind, a worthless little thing.
01:23:42But the world can feel the changes of a butterfly's wing
01:23:46It's all that grumpy bird and cigarette rolling on your tongue
01:23:49We'll leave its weeds before your flowers yet have sprung
01:23:52Will there be weeds or wildflowers when you're done?
01:24:41We'll be right back
01:25:11We'll be right back
01:25:41We'll be right back
01:26:11We'll be right back
01:26:39We'll be right back
Comments