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Short filmTranscript
00:10You
00:10Hear a lot of mams going on about who being a mom is like a real job, but how hard
00:15is it really?
00:18Okay, there's the pregnancy bit
00:20Tony
00:22And then there's the bar, but that's just popping it out
00:26And I reckon I was actually the one who ended up doing most of the work there
00:30And after all that you have a baby and you get months off work where you get free money for
00:35doing absolutely nothing
00:36Jesus Christ, he's eating my nipples red raw
00:39You could try bottle feeding him
00:41Oh, yeah, and have everyone tell me I hate my baby. No, thanks. The whole thing seems like a bit
00:45of a scam really bottle you
00:48Oh, Christ, who's taking the pass? What are we gonna do?
00:53There's nothing to be afraid of okay. I'm just gonna tell her to camp now
01:25No, no, no, no, no. Do you want to be killed?
01:27Do you want to do a little bit of a tough time here at the moment?
01:29Yeah, and you're probably mad about that tough time
01:33Yeah, but you think it would help a little if you just if you just calm the fuck down
01:46They say getting your driver's license is a rite of passage
01:50But really it's just 50 quid an hour to get honked at for stalling in front of strangers
01:54But today's the day I can finally prove that I'm more than just a passenger
01:58It would have no good driving if it hit you in the face
02:01I can
02:03Oh boy, they have to fail a certain percentage boy
02:06Everybody knows that it's just like a statistic thing boy
02:10No, it's not a hard thing
02:11No, I just want to go to bed
02:12I can't we don't
02:13Yeah, boy, you don't even need a driver's license to drive
02:15I know
02:18Well, they got it anyway
02:19Shut up, mate
02:20I got it
02:20Are you joking me, mate?
02:24That's like Killian Murphy with their acting
02:26Yeah, what's my Oscar like?
02:28When you get a bit shy around, you know
02:29You're like the Taoiseach or something, right?
02:31Michael the Higgins
02:31Jesus
02:32The King of Ireland
02:33Boy, we can get drive-thrus now
02:35Drive-thrus
02:36Drive-thrus
02:37Drive-thrus
02:38Holy shit, Carmboi
02:40Oh
02:41You
02:42You
02:49Here, get your manky hands off them, they're not for you
02:52Yes, they are, it's my party
02:54How is it your party?
02:55It's my party because we passed the driving test
02:58We?
02:59Both of you did, did you?
03:00Well, a guy was sitting on the seat with the wheel
03:03But he was in my head, so it was like it was a giant effort, like
03:05Exactly, yeah
03:05A rising tide lifts all the boats, my head
03:08What are you on about?
03:08He's talking about tides
03:11Boats
03:11Rising tides
03:11When jock rises, we all rise
03:13Yeah
03:14Alright, well look
03:15Who's this party for?
03:17So, if it's not for your award-winning son
03:18Passing a test designed for teenagers isn't exactly award-winning
03:21It is for you, boy
03:23And besides, it's Bridget's birthday
03:25Oh, Bridget, as in
03:26What's Bridget?
03:27Bridget as in your mime, Bridget?
03:29I thought you hated your mime
03:30I do, she's a self-centred witch
03:32She's a witch
03:34She's a witch?
03:35Every time I look in the mirror I see half of her and I hate her so much I hate
03:39half myself
03:40But if she wants the best party ever, that's what we're gonna throw her
03:43So you hate this woman so much that you're gonna throw her the best party you've ever thrown in your
03:48entire life?
03:48I am not giving her the satisfaction of having a bad word to say
03:51We've had parties before, like it's not that hard
03:54Alright, I'm off to pick up the witch
03:56We'll come with you
03:57No, you are not
03:58We will be talking more
03:59Let's go back
04:00You might get to drive the car by Tinker Holder
04:02But she's actually a witch
04:03Some hide, do you?
04:05Aye
04:07After all that we've been through
04:18Ho, ho, ho
04:20Daisy, goodbye
04:21Lads, shut up
04:22Aye
04:26We've had some crack in this car over the years, haven't we?
04:29Do you remember the time that we went and held you with the fridge
04:33And you thought we murdered a load of ducks with a hammer
04:37Just a car job
04:39Ah, come on though, it's not though, it's more than that
04:41It's memories on wheels
04:43Do you remember the time we went up to Dublin to go to therapy
04:46And then the therapist told us that you were the one that was fucked up
04:49All right, like
04:51Can you believe that?
04:52The look on your face
04:54You were like
04:56I paid all this money for some quack to tell me that
04:59That's a good one
05:00That was class
05:04Yeah
05:05Raid, I think you're looking a little bit tired
05:07Tired?
05:07Piss off, jock
05:09Stay to you
05:10You have a face like the first pancake
05:11You know, the bad one that comes out all munted and shite
05:14So they have to throw it out
05:15Jeez, that's a bit below the bill, no?
05:18I just thought that maybe you could just do a little break from driving
05:22Is all
05:22Yeah, we'll keep your thoughts to yourself
05:24I think he's just a bit worried you shouldn't be driving in your condition
05:28A condition? What condition is that?
05:30Arsehole I did
05:33Sorry, my friend
05:34In all seriousness
05:36He's right, like
05:37Yeah
05:37I don't think you at the moment have the mental capacity to focus on the road
05:41You know, thinking about your mammonon
05:43That's serious stuff
05:44Do you know what might be a good thought experiment?
05:48Thought experiment?
05:49Yeah
05:49Did you learn that from the prison therapist?
05:51What is it?
05:51No, I'm not worried
05:53Imagine, all right
05:54That you've never met your man
05:56And you're just on your way now to just make a new friend
05:59So you can leave all the baggage at the door
06:05Are you serious?
06:11What the fuck?
06:13What are you doing?
06:14That's obviously not what we meant
06:15Like
06:16I was my mam's baggage when she left me outside the car
06:18And she took off with a handbag full of freedom and selfishness
06:21So what?
06:22We're just your baggage?
06:23Yes
06:23You are my baggage
06:24The type of baggage that has no value
06:26And I get stuck with it because nobody else wants it
06:28Look
06:29We forgive you
06:29You are as useful as a bag full of Mickeys
06:31Soft Mickeys at that
06:33Shush me
06:33No, no, no
06:34Don't you shush me
06:35I'll just
06:36Shush it
06:36It's okay
06:37We understand
06:38Get in
06:42All right, well, he should be sleeping
06:45I know that, Mairead
06:46But he won't stay down
06:47Arrows
06:48No
06:49Did you ask nicely?
06:51Airbag
06:52Seriously, Mairead
06:53Not an airbag
06:54I can't help from here
06:56Animals
06:57See the cows there, animals
06:58No
07:00Healy, what was that?
07:02I've got to go
07:04I don't know, but give me a clue
07:05It is all around us
07:08It is all around us
07:10Come on, but use your brain
07:11Come on
07:12But there's no more words
07:13Beginning with A
07:13I don't know
07:14You only guessed like six of them
07:16I can't think under this pressure
07:18Healy
07:18You want me to tell me?
07:19Just tell me
07:19That's what I said
07:20Tell me
07:20What are these?
07:22Air
07:23Air
07:24Air
07:25Yeah
07:25But you can't see air
07:27Tony
07:27Of course you can, but
07:28It's all around us
07:30Yeah
07:30I can't see air right now, can I?
07:32I can feel the air
07:33Healy, what is going on?
07:34Will you answer me?
07:35You can feel the effects of air
07:36But you can't see air
07:37No, no, no
07:37Air is see-through
07:38You see through it
07:40Okay
07:40Then what do you call this thing?
07:44What do you call that thing?
07:45No, no, no, no
07:46That's not air
07:47That's like saying
07:47I spy with my little light W
07:49And picking water vapor
07:50A bad workman
07:52Blames his tool
07:53Yeah
07:53I spy with my little light
07:55Somebody gave an A
07:55And annoying fuck
07:56I am surrounded by adult children
08:00Thank you
08:04I spy with my little light
08:07I'm an absolute ride
08:08Look at her
08:09Oh, what a kid
08:10She is like fine wine
08:12Whoa
08:12That's a bit of me though
08:13She's right up your street, man
08:15She's actually, she's stunning
08:15Is she hot, man?
08:16Stop hitting on your granny
08:18Granny?
08:19Who's granny?
08:20Granny, look at your street
08:21No, no, no
08:21That's the witch
08:22No, no, I'm not
08:23What?
08:24That's not
08:24You said that was granny
08:25She's not hot at all
08:26But she's monky
08:28Bridget
08:29Call me mum
08:30Oh, that's the witch
08:35Look at those muscles
08:38You go to the gym or what?
08:40No, boy
08:41My mum said I was actually born with a six-pack
08:43Yeah, all the doctors took photos of it in the hospital
08:46No, no
08:46Looks like a washboard to me
08:48Yeah, well, he's full of shit, all right?
08:49Boy, I swear to God
08:50I was almost in the paper
08:52But I got bumped because they found a missing girl
08:53All right, Jack
08:54As if, Jack
08:55Be nice
08:56Handsome lad like him
08:57He's going to make a lot of money
08:59Doing what?
09:00Being an escort?
09:01Connor
09:01That is disgusting
09:04It's just science
09:06Good-looking lads make more money
09:08He wasn't even top five best-looking people in our school
09:10Jealous, boy
09:11Relax
09:11Oh, yeah
09:12Relax
09:13It's okay
09:14Rides only hang out with brides
09:18It reflects well on you, too
09:22Who says that?
09:23Everybody
09:24Isn't that right, Mireille?
09:27That's why she had such difficulty at school making friends
09:30Weren't enough other middling children
09:33Are you only middling, Mireille?
09:36We are done here
09:37Jack is too young for you
09:38It's disgusting
09:39He's basically like your grandson
09:40No, not by blood
09:42Ah, she's got a point there
09:43I mean, it wouldn't be illegal now, would it?
09:46No, but that doesn't make it right
09:47Yeah, it's still messed up, all right?
09:50Spiritually
09:50Yeah, spiritually
09:52So why don't you just stop trying to score with him
09:54And be normal for once?
09:59Over this way, my lady
10:01Get inside there now yourself
10:02Enough
10:03That is a gorgeous jackie
10:04Thank you
10:06I'm gonna be your granddad, boy
10:08I'm not gonna be my granddad
10:09For the days
10:10I'm not calling you granddad
10:11I'm gonna be your granddad
10:13I'm your granddad, boy
10:14I'm your granddad, boy
10:15Respect me, I'm your granddad
10:21No, no
10:21What are you doing?
10:25Fuck
10:36So, how have you been, anyway?
10:39Fine
10:39No thanks to you
10:41Um, it's a fine day for a drive, isn't it?
10:46Yeah
10:46Yeah, beautiful blue skies, isn't it?
10:48Brilliant
10:49God, he's the dead spit of your father
10:52You barely knew, Dad
10:54You couldn't pick him out of a line-up
10:55I stayed around long enough to have you, didn't I?
10:58What more do you want?
10:59Oh, no, no
11:00That's plenty
11:01Thank you very much
11:02Thank you so much for having me
11:04And then abandoning me
11:05Boy, I think we should block our heroes or something
11:07This, like, feels sort of private, no?
11:10I didn't abandon you, for heaven's sakes
11:13I had to leave
11:14You seem to do fine with that other family
11:16Where are they now, anyway?
11:17Why aren't you bothering them for your birthday?
11:19I wanted to meet Neil
11:20His name's Noel
11:23Oh
11:24Noel, Neil, whatever
11:27He's still my grandson
11:29Also, I don't speak to the others
11:31We fell out
11:33What?
11:34I stayed around for a bit
11:36But then the Boomtown Rats went on tour
11:40Well, you toured with them?
11:43I followed them around, yeah
11:45Oh, my God
11:46That is sick
11:48Anyway, I wasn't meant to be a mother
11:51Honestly, it's a shit job
11:53No, that's what I say, too
11:56I always say, be a dad much easier, more fun
11:59Well said
12:04What now?
12:05He took a shit in the bath
12:06And?
12:07I didn't even know that was a thing
12:10Oh, he's pissing on me now already
12:11He's pissing on me
12:12Grow up and deal with it, alright?
12:14He's your kid, too
12:19Is she always this moody?
12:22I'll answer this one
12:24Yes
12:25I even got my driver's license and she won't let me behind the wheel
12:28Can you believe that?
12:29Yeah
12:29Even despite her condition
12:30I don't have a condition
12:32Or so light
12:34Exactly, Nancy
12:36That's what I said you had, ma'am
12:37Gosh, she is a witch
12:39Can you predict this?
12:43You're like a cat that's lived a thousand lives
12:46A thousand rides, more like
12:47Well, Van used to say that sort of stuff to me all the time
12:52Van Morrison
12:54I used to babysit him
12:55I've heard of him
12:56He's not full of shit, you know
12:57Van Morrison is older than you
12:58You couldn't babysit him
12:59Brown-eyed girl
13:00That one's about me
13:01You have blue eyes
13:03It's alright to smoke in here
13:07No
13:07No, I quit smoking
13:09Boys
13:10Oh, yeah
13:11Go any further and you will be walking home
13:13That is so unfair
13:16Yeah, Ma'rage
13:17We never told us our man was such a legend
13:19Yeah, she's like a proper that
13:21Like, not a small one
13:22Like, a big one
13:23Massive one
13:24Yeah, well, you didn't grow up with her
13:25Huh, well, yeah
13:26Neither did you
13:30I'm relaxed, like
13:31I was only making a good pint
13:33He's hot too
13:34Yoo-hoo
13:36This is Cillian
13:39He's looking for a ride
13:41And I said we have room
13:44Absolutely not
13:45Oh, come on
13:46Share and share alike
13:47No offence, like
13:48But don't you think he looks
13:49He looks a bit like a murderer
13:51Silly
13:54just watching my address do you killian later see wait was that a yes or a no
14:03well he's hit a yes but his mouth said no look there's no room fine but if you're not going
14:10to
14:10let my new friend come then you're going to have to let connor drive we all have to make compromises
14:20fine connor can drive holy shit all right just remember what i taught you while we talked about
14:25right you'd like to give i'll never forget you no no no not that way no that way 10 and
14:352 10 and 2
14:40nice family then there was a time when she came home from school and told me she needed glasses
14:46i did need glasses all right i couldn't see the blackboard i said to her come here yeah do you
14:54see that moon up there i said that moon is 400 000 miles away it's all wrong with your eyesight
15:0410 and 2 okay yeah you keep saying that but i don't know what that means like a clock okay
15:09hands and 10 and 2 yeah well the clock's on my phone so that doesn't make any sense let the
15:13boy just do
15:14it his way it's my son okay i'll handle it how i like i'm just trying to help okay thanks
15:19but don't
15:20just don't you can you can you just sit back
15:23oh shit oh thank god he's breathing hey we could do cpr oh come on oh jesus christ you're an
15:44animal
15:45sorry like it was the humane thing to do con sorry sorry sorry somebody put me out of my misery
15:52we can't just just leave him here we need to give him a proper burial oh you're so emotional
15:57you're definitely your mother's child
16:05oh mommy's brain fell out
16:12so we're gathered here today to to celebrate the life of rabbit de niro he's gone but certainly not forgotten
16:21uh would anyone like to say a few words
16:24um listen when i go keep these two boys away from me with their tears dancing and drinking that's the
16:34way
16:35you're supposed to send someone off i'll be in the car having a fag or doing anything other than this
16:48i didn't know you too well rabbit de niro i know you like carrots hopping around and shagging
17:00rabbits love shagging once saw a rabbit looking out a fox i'm sorry for what i did to you
17:10god but not for god
17:15it's good oh danny boy the pubes the pubes are calling from glen to glen and down the mountain side
17:33The summer's guide and eyes of roses
18:00Cheer up boys, you're bringing my mood down
18:03Even Bea will you, he'll get over it in his own time
18:05That's the problem with your generation
18:08You're too soft on your kids, they don't grow up
18:12That what you were doing with me, is it?
18:14Forcing me to grow up
18:15Think I was a bit young for that, don't you?
18:18I'm getting a bit sick of your poor me stuff
18:21You had more than I ever have
18:23You don't see me complaining
18:25All you do is complain
18:26You complain about being a mother
18:28No, I don't want to talk about it anymore
18:30Yeah, well I do, okay?
18:31You at least owe me that
18:32I gave you life
18:35I was sick every day for nine months
18:37Cooking you inside me
19:08What more do you want?
19:10You're exhausting me
19:10I'm going to have a nap
19:13Have your nap
19:15I hope you don't wake up
19:20I am
19:22I might try for a nap too
19:31No please come on, I'm trying to do it here alright?
19:36I'll just give it a second
19:37give me a chance not alright?
19:51Yeah, drink your drinks and eat your meats, it's part of the time.
20:05Hello.
20:07Are we glad to see you?
20:09How was it?
20:10Fine, she's still asleep in the car, probably a drunken coma.
20:17How is she?
20:18I'm just the idiot who ruined everybody's life, so how would I know?
20:21Okay, for you.
20:35Bridget?
20:37Sleepy head.
20:39Wakey, wakey, rise and shine.
20:42Uh, Bridget?
20:48Bridget, I'm Tony.
20:49Oh, Jesus.
20:50Uh, uh, okay.
20:51Okay, don't panic.
20:52Don't panic.
20:53Uh, pulse.
20:54Um.
20:55Oh, shit, okay.
20:56No pulse.
20:57Maureen!
20:58Maureen!
20:59Maureen!
21:00Come quick!
21:01She's done this on purpose.
21:03We shouldn't be doing this.
21:05We should be informing the guards.
21:06You are the guards.
21:07Consider yourself informed.
21:08But keep her legs up, will you?
21:09Oh, God, she's heavy.
21:12Oh, I'm not heavy.
21:14Oh, God.
21:15Oh, God.
21:19Oh, God.
21:19Do you think I should give her a hug?
21:22The hug's not going to bring her back to life, boy, is it?
21:25What, Jack?
21:26Not her.
21:28The other one.
21:32The funeral home said they can't come and pick her up until tomorrow.
21:38What? So, like, she's just staying tonight here?
21:40Yeah.
21:41Why?
21:42Do you think we'll get to eat the dinner?
21:44We have some respect, but your mum's mum is dead.
21:47Why, I'm starving.
21:48I'll be the one dead if we won't eat soon.
21:50You know, I can hear you two idiots.
21:53Our hands are up.
21:54Yeah.
21:57We should eat.
21:58We promised her we'd throw her the best party we could,
22:00so that's what we're going to do.
22:01Love, I think you might still be in shock.
22:03She's not going to ruin the party we're throwing for her by deciding to die.
22:07One question.
22:08Does she still have a soul?
22:10Yeah.
22:12Or is that daddy's wife?
22:19I'm sorry.
22:20I'm sorry.
22:21I'm sorry.
22:22Except for the prick garden stuff.
22:24Yeah.
22:24Except for that.
22:28This isn't right.
22:29It's too much salt.
22:31What?
22:31No.
22:33She's over there on her own, like, and this is supposed to be her party.
22:41Why did I have to be the one sat next to her?
22:46I'm not doing that.
22:47That's creepy, but...
22:56A toast.
22:58To the old witch.
22:59To the old witch.
23:02Curious.
23:05Hey!
23:06Do you want to tell?
23:07I'm going to wait for it.
23:09What?
23:10Have a nice day.
23:12See you.
23:15When I passed you in the doorway, well, you took me with a glance.
23:22Hey!
23:23I should have took that last little storm, but I asked you for a dance.
23:29Now we go steady to the pictures.
23:32I always get chocolate stains on my pants.
23:36And my father, he's going crazy.
23:39He says I'm living in a trance.
23:42But I'm dancing in the moonlight.
23:45It's cat me in its spotlight.
23:48It's alright.
23:49Dancing in the moonlight.
23:49It would definitely be a legal note.
23:51On this long, hot summer night.
24:07Happy birthday, ma'am.
24:10I threw this party for you.
24:11I hope you liked it.
24:15I don't know why I did.
24:16You wouldn't have done it for me.
24:19You never did anything for me.
24:23When I had Connor, I was all alone.
24:25And you weren't there for me.
24:29All I needed was someone to talk to
24:31and tell me everything was going to be alright.
24:38It's all I needed and you weren't there for me.
24:42And I miss my ma'am.
24:44And I love my ma'am.
24:47Can I just wish you loved me back?
24:57I'm so sorry I was a shit ma'am.
24:59Oh no, don't say that.
25:02I was scared when I was young.
25:06I love you so much,
25:07I'd never have it any other way, you know that.
25:12You did your best ma'am.
25:14You always did your best.
25:18And you know what?
25:19In some way, I'd say she did too.
25:27I was better than her though, wasn't I?
25:30Oh yeah, way better.
25:34To Bridget.
25:35To Bridget.
25:39And to Marie.
25:41Yeah.
25:43To Marie.
25:46Oh.
25:56You always know I wasn't about to sparkle.
26:00Wait, wait, wait.
26:02Let Healy get it.
26:07Even the bomb going off wouldn't work that, man.
26:09One thing about being a ma'am
26:11is that once you are one,
26:12it never ends.
26:14And a job that never ends.
26:16That's gotta be the toughest job in the world.
26:19Right.
26:20Say Granny.
26:22So just maybe, we should give all mothers a break.
26:25Because even the ones that do jump ship,
26:27they've already done more work than any man.
26:30They deserve a rest.
26:32Rest in peace, Granny Bridget.
26:35They deserve a double break.
26:50You know all right.
27:03So this journey after the trip.
27:03It's just a year that I'll end up recording.
27:03They can have casa safely or 40-les.
27:03I'm sorry, Mommy Ann Coelholl.
27:03It's just for a show anymore.
27:03You
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