Seinfeld Stand Up Full Compilation Intros

EpicEntertainmentDaily

Watch Seinfeld Stand Up Full Compilation Intros - EpicEntertainmentDaily on Dailymotion

Transcript

00:00:00Do you know what this is all about? Do you know why we're here? To be out. This is out.

00:00:05And out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life.

00:00:09People, you know how many people talk about we should go out? This is what they're talking about.

00:00:14This whole thing, we're all out now. No one is home. Not one person here is home. We're all out.

00:00:20There are people trying to find us. They don't know where we are.

00:00:23Did you read? I can't find him. Where did he go? He didn't tell me where he was going.

00:00:27He must have gone out.

00:00:30You want to go out. You get ready. You pick out the clothes, right?

00:00:33You take the shower. Get all ready. Get the cash. Get your friends the car, the spot, the reservation.

00:00:39When you stand around, what do you do? You go, we've got to be getting back.

00:00:44Once you're out, you want to get back.

00:00:46You want to go to sleep. You want to get up. You want to go out again tomorrow, right?

00:00:49Wherever you are in life, it's my feeling you've got to go.

00:00:58So I'm online at the supermarket.

00:01:03Two women in front of me.

00:01:05One of them, her total was $8.

00:01:06The other, $3.

00:01:09They both, of course, choose to pay by the use of the...

00:01:12Check.

00:01:15Now, the fact is, if it is a woman in front of you that's writing out the check, you'll not

00:01:19be waiting long.

00:01:20I have noticed that women are very fast with checks, you know, because they write out so many checks.

00:01:26The keys, they can never find in their purse. They don't know where that is.

00:01:30But the checkbook, they got that.

00:01:32They never fumble for the checkbook.

00:01:34The checkbook comes out of a holster. Who do I make it out to?

00:01:40There's my ID.

00:01:49There's something about a check that, to a man, it's not masculine.

00:01:53I don't know exactly what it is.

00:01:55I think, to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says,

00:01:58I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people,

00:02:02I'm sure they'll stick up for me.

00:02:03If you could just trust me, this one...

00:02:05I don't have any money, but I have these.

00:02:09I wrote on these.

00:02:11Is this of any value at all?

00:02:17So I move into the set of lane.

00:02:19Now, I get ahead of this woman who felt, for some reason, I guess,

00:02:23that she thought that I cut her off.

00:02:25So she pulls up alongside of me, gives me the finger.

00:02:31It seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger,

00:02:36and you show it to the person.

00:02:41It's a finger.

00:02:42What does it mean?

00:02:43Someone shows me one of their fingers, and I'm supposed to feel bad.

00:02:49Is that the way it's supposed to work?

00:02:51I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you?

00:02:56I would feel worse if I got the toe than if I got the finger.

00:02:59Because it's not easy to give someone the toe.

00:03:01You've got to get the shoe off, the sock off, and drive, get it up in the...

00:03:06Look at that toe, buddy.

00:03:07I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, isn't it?

00:03:13Most men like working on things, tools, objects, fixing things.

00:03:20This is what men enjoy doing.

00:03:22Have you ever noticed if a guy's out in his driveway working on something with tools,

00:03:25how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity?

00:03:30They just come wandering out of the house like zombies.

00:03:35Men, it's true.

00:03:36Men hear a drill.

00:03:37It's like a dog whistle, just...

00:03:41You know, they go running up to that living room curtain.

00:03:44Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there.

00:03:48So they run over to the guy.

00:03:50Now, they don't actually help the guy.

00:03:52No.

00:03:52They just want to hang around the area where work is being done.

00:04:01That's what men want to do.

00:04:03We want to watch the guy.

00:04:05We want to talk to him.

00:04:06We want to ask him dumb questions, you know.

00:04:11What are you using, Phillips?

00:04:14You know, we feel involved.

00:04:17That's why when they have construction sites,

00:04:19they have to have those wood panel fences around them.

00:04:21That's just to keep the men out.

00:04:24They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on.

00:04:29But if they don't cut those holes, we are climbing those fences right over there.

00:04:34What are you using, the steel girders down here?

00:04:38Yeah, that'll hold.

00:04:45Went out to dinner the other night.

00:04:47Check came at the end of the meal, as it always does.

00:04:49Never liked the check at the end of the meal system.

00:04:53Because money is a very different thing before and after you eat.

00:04:55Before you eat, money has no value.

00:04:58Now you don't care about money when you're hungry.

00:05:00You sit down in a restaurant.

00:05:01You're like the ruler of an empire.

00:05:02More drinks!

00:05:04Appetizers!

00:05:05Quickly, quickly!

00:05:07It will be the greatest meal of our lives.

00:05:11Then after the meal, you know, you've got the pants open.

00:05:16You've got the napkins destroyed.

00:05:18Cigarette buttoned, the mashed potatoes.

00:05:20Then the check comes at that moment.

00:05:23People are always upset, you know.

00:05:26They're mystified by the check.

00:05:27They're like, what is this?

00:05:32How could this be?

00:05:34They start passing it around the table.

00:05:36Does this look right to you?

00:05:39We're not hungry now.

00:05:41Why are we buying all this food?

00:05:46I'm always in traffic with the lane expert.

00:05:50You know this type of person?

00:05:51Constantly re-evaluating their lane choice.

00:05:55Never quite sure.

00:05:56Is this the best lane for me, for my life?

00:06:00They're always a little bit ahead of you.

00:06:01Can I get in over there?

00:06:03Can I get ahead of you?

00:06:04Can I get in there?

00:06:04Yeah, come on over here, pal.

00:06:06We're zooming over here.

00:06:07This is the secret lane.

00:06:09Nobody knows about it.

00:06:11I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop.

00:06:15Not even rolling.

00:06:16And you look out the window, you can see gum, clearly.

00:06:21But we know that in the future, traffic will get even worse than that.

00:06:24I mean, what will happen?

00:06:26Will it start moving backwards, I wonder?

00:06:27I mean, is that possible?

00:06:28That someday we'll be going, boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy.

00:06:34This is really bad.

00:06:37I'm going to try and get off and get back on going the other way.

00:06:45My parents live in Florida now.

00:06:47They moved there last year.

00:06:49They didn't want to move to Florida, but they're in their 60s, and that's the law.

00:06:54You know how it works.

00:06:55They got the leisure police.

00:06:58They pull up in front of the old people's house with a golf cart.

00:07:00Jump out.

00:07:01Let's go, pop.

00:07:01White belt, white pants, white shoes.

00:07:03Get in the back.

00:07:04Drop the snow.

00:07:05She'll be right there.

00:07:06Drop it.

00:07:07I am not much for the family gathering.

00:07:10You ever sit there and the conversation is so boring, it's so dull, and you start to fantasize.

00:07:15You know, you think, what if I just got up and jumped out that window?

00:07:20I wonder what, you know, just crashed right through the glass, you know.

00:07:23Come back in, there's broken glass, everybody's all upset.

00:07:26No, I'm all right.

00:07:27I was just a little bored there.

00:07:29And, uh, no, I'm fine.

00:07:30I came back.

00:07:31I wanted to hear a little more about that Hummel collection, Anne Rose.

00:07:33Let's pick it up right there.

00:07:38I hate clothes, okay?

00:07:40I hate buying them.

00:07:42I hate picking them out of my closet.

00:07:44I can't stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself.

00:07:49I think eventually fashion won't even exist.

00:07:52It won't.

00:07:53I think eventually we'll all be wearing the same thing.

00:07:55Because any time I see a movie or a TV show where there's people from the future or another planet,

00:08:01they're all wearing the same thing.

00:08:03Somehow they decided this is going to be our outfit.

00:08:06One piece, silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and boots.

00:08:10That's it.

00:08:12We should come up with an outfit for Earth.

00:08:15An Earth outfit.

00:08:16We should vote on it.

00:08:17Candidates propose different outfits.

00:08:19No speeches.

00:08:20They walk out, twirl, walk off.

00:08:23We just sit in the audience and go, that was nice.

00:08:25I could wear that.

00:08:29The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing.

00:08:37You've never seen anyone on TV, like, just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on

00:08:42their face.

00:08:43Some people have a little too much fun on television.

00:08:46The soda commercial people, where do they summon this enthusiasm?

00:08:50Have you seen them?

00:08:52We have soda.

00:08:53We have soda.

00:08:54We have soda.

00:08:55Jumping, laughing, flying through the air.

00:08:59It's a can of soda.

00:09:03Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact product that they're advertising right

00:09:10there on TV?

00:09:12And it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jet skiing, girls in bikinis, and I'm standing there.

00:09:18Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine.

00:09:23Well, I painted my apartment again.

00:09:25I've been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kind of gets

00:09:28me down.

00:09:29I look around and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now.

00:09:33You know, I realize it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it.

00:09:36It just keeps coming in and coming in.

00:09:38Every time I paint it, it's closer and closer.

00:09:40I don't even know where the wall outlets are anymore.

00:09:43I just look for like a lump with two slots in it.

00:09:46It kind of looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side.

00:09:50That's where I plug in.

00:09:53My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise.

00:09:58You know what I mean?

00:09:59Big chair, nice screen, remote control.

00:10:02That's why Starship really was the ultimate male fantasy, just hurtling through space in your living room watching TV.

00:10:11That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen.

00:10:16They come over Friday nights, Klingon boxing, got to be there.

00:10:22I have to tell you that I did get some very exciting news recently, and I don't know if I

00:10:27should really tell you exactly what it is, because it's really not a definite thing yet.

00:10:34Well, I will tell you what I do know so far.

00:10:37According to the information that I have in the envelope that I received, it seems that I may have already

00:10:44won some very valuable prizes.

00:10:47Well, thank you.

00:10:48Thank you very much.

00:10:49Well, thank you.

00:10:51It's very nice to hear that.

00:10:52But in all honesty, I have to say, I didn't even know I was in this thing.

00:10:59But according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering.

00:11:05You know, that annoys me about sweepstakes companies.

00:11:07They always tease you with that you may have already won.

00:11:09I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts.

00:11:12Come out with the truth.

00:11:12Just tell people the truth one time.

00:11:14Send out envelopes.

00:11:15You have definitely lost.

00:11:19You turn it over, giant printing.

00:11:20Not even close.

00:11:23You open it up, there's this whole letter of explanation.

00:11:25Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest.

00:11:31Whenever I see the news and they're hauling in some criminal, terrorist, psycho, maniac, master murderer guy,

00:11:38you notice he's always covering up his face with the newspaper, with the jacket, with the hat.

00:11:42What is he worried about?

00:11:44What is this man's reputation that he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name?

00:11:52I mean, what is he, up for a big job promotion down at the office or something?

00:11:57Afraid the boss is going to catch this on TV and go, isn't that Johnson from sales?

00:12:03He's up in that clock tower picking people off one by one.

00:12:06I don't know if that's the kind of man we want heading up that new branch office.

00:12:11He should be in Bill Collection.

00:12:14I think he's got to two.

00:12:18You know, I tell you, I've got to say that I'm enjoying adulthood for a lot of reasons.

00:12:24And I'll tell you reason number one.

00:12:25As an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie.

00:12:30Okay?

00:12:31I have three cookies or four cookies or 11 cookies if I want.

00:12:38Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite.

00:12:43Just ruin it.

00:12:45And then I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it.

00:12:49Oh, Mom, yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.

00:12:52Cookies.

00:12:56So what have you ruined it?

00:12:57See, because as an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind you.

00:13:03There's no danger in running out of appetites.

00:13:06I've got millions of them.

00:13:08I ruin them whenever I want.

00:13:12I was watching women in the department store the other day trying on clothes,

00:13:16and I noticed that they do it differently from men.

00:13:18Women don't try on the clothes.

00:13:21They get behind the clothes.

00:13:24They take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against themselves.

00:13:30They can tell something from this.

00:13:32They stick one leg way out.

00:13:35Because they need to know if someday I'm one-legged at a 45-degree angle, what am I going to

00:13:40wear?

00:13:42You never see a man do that.

00:13:44You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go,

00:13:47What do you think about this suit?

00:13:48I think I'll get it.

00:13:49Yeah, it looks fine.

00:13:49Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants.

00:13:51I want to make sure.

00:13:52Yeah, perfect.

00:13:53Now, what if I'm walking?

00:13:54Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes.

00:14:03Men flip around the television more than women, I think.

00:14:07Men get that remote control in their hands.

00:14:10They don't even know what the hell they're not watching.

00:14:12You know what I mean?

00:14:13Just keep going.

00:14:13I don't even know what I'm watching.

00:14:14What are you watching?

00:14:15I don't care.

00:14:15I've got to keep going.

00:14:16Who was that?

00:14:16I don't know what it was.

00:14:17It doesn't matter.

00:14:17It's not your fault.

00:14:18It doesn't matter.

00:14:18I've got to keep going.

00:14:21Women don't do that.

00:14:22See, now, women will stop and go,

00:14:25Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel.

00:14:29You see?

00:14:30But men just fly.

00:14:31Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt.

00:14:35That's why we watch TV differently.

00:14:40Before there was flipping around, before there was television,

00:14:44kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had storytellers that would tell them stories

00:14:49as that was their entertainment.

00:14:50I always wonder if in that era, they would get like 30 storytellers together

00:14:54so they could still flip around.

00:14:56Just go, All right, start telling me your story.

00:14:58What's happening?

00:14:58I don't want to hear anymore.

00:14:59Shut up.

00:14:59Go to the next side.

00:15:00What are you talking about?

00:15:01Is there a girl in that story?

00:15:02No?

00:15:02Shut up.

00:15:03Go to the next side.

00:15:03What are you doing?

00:15:04I don't want to hear that either.

00:15:05Shut up.

00:15:05No, go ahead.

00:15:06What are you talking about?

00:15:07I don't want to hear that.

00:15:07No, get out of here.

00:15:08I'm going to bed.

00:15:12I'm on the street the other day.

00:15:14Make a pay phone call.

00:15:15Go over time on the call.

00:15:17Hang up the phone.

00:15:19Walk away.

00:15:20You've had this happen?

00:15:22Phone rings.

00:15:23It's the phone company.

00:15:26They want more money.

00:15:28Don't you love this?

00:15:29And you've got them right where you want them

00:15:32for the first time in your life.

00:15:34You're on the street.

00:15:35There's nothing they can do.

00:15:36I like to let it ring a few times.

00:15:38You know.

00:15:40Let her sweat a little over there.

00:15:42And then just pick it up.

00:15:43Yeah, hello, operator.

00:15:45Oh, I've got the money.

00:15:49I've got the money right here.

00:15:51You hear that?

00:15:55That's a quarter.

00:15:57Yeah, you want that, don't you?

00:16:02I'm not a foodie.

00:16:04I don't...

00:16:05Oh, this is too rare.

00:16:07Oh, it's too salty.

00:16:09Just eat it and shut up.

00:16:11I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having.

00:16:14I have eaten rolls off of room service trays

00:16:17in hotel hallways.

00:16:18I have.

00:16:20That's not a joke.

00:16:20This is my life.

00:16:24I don't know.

00:16:25Somebody left it.

00:16:25What is this?

00:16:26Why would somebody poison a roll

00:16:27and leave it in the hallway

00:16:28with some comic coming down

00:16:29at 2 o'clock in the morning?

00:16:31Why would they do that?

00:16:34Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant

00:16:35to put the check in a little book.

00:16:38What is this?

00:16:38The story of the bill?

00:16:42Once upon a time,

00:16:43there were some very hungry people.

00:16:45What is this?

00:16:46A little gold tassel hanging down.

00:16:48Am I graduating from the restaurant?

00:16:49What is this about?

00:16:54It's very hard to find

00:16:55the store that you want in the mall.

00:16:57They have the directory,

00:16:59but the problem with it is

00:17:00even if you figure out where you are

00:17:02and where you want to go,

00:17:04you still don't really know

00:17:06sometimes which way to walk

00:17:07because it's an upright map.

00:17:10If you had, like, suction-cut feet

00:17:11that you could just walk right up on it,

00:17:14then you could tell you could just be on it

00:17:16going,

00:17:16all right, I'm here.

00:17:18I want to go to the Gap.

00:17:19That's down there.

00:17:20All right.

00:17:20And I'll just walk that way.

00:17:25But people would know you.

00:17:26They would see you walking down the mall

00:17:28and go,

00:17:30that's one of those suction cup guys.

00:17:33I heard about that.

00:17:34He's never lost.

00:17:38You know there's, like, always one location

00:17:41in your neighborhood,

00:17:42one store location

00:17:43that's constantly changing hands.

00:17:45Everybody has this in their neighborhood.

00:17:47It's a leather store.

00:17:48It's a yogurt shop.

00:17:49It's a pet supply.

00:17:50It's, like, constantly changing.

00:17:52Nobody can do business there.

00:17:53It's, like, some sort of

00:17:54Bermuda Triangle of retail, you know.

00:17:57Stores open up

00:17:58and then they just disappear without a trace.

00:18:00Nobody knows what happened to them.

00:18:02I guess eventually

00:18:03when, like, aliens land

00:18:04in the mothership

00:18:05from Close Encounters,

00:18:06the bottom will slowly open

00:18:08and all these store owners

00:18:09will come wandering out

00:18:10in a daze going,

00:18:12I thought there was going to be

00:18:13more walk-in traffic,

00:18:14didn't you?

00:18:16The transplant,

00:18:18the hair plug,

00:18:19is an interesting procedure.

00:18:20It's really quite amazing.

00:18:21Hair that was on your shower soap yesterday

00:18:23can be in your head tomorrow.

00:18:26How did they do the first transplant?

00:18:27Did they have the guy take a shower,

00:18:29get his soap,

00:18:30rush it in there by helicopter,

00:18:31you know,

00:18:32keep the soap alive

00:18:33on the soap support system?

00:18:35Eventually move it over.

00:18:37We got the hairs,

00:18:38but I think we lost the zest.

00:18:41Sometimes the body rejects the transplant.

00:18:43With organs,

00:18:44is it possible that a head

00:18:46could reject a hair transplant?

00:18:48The guy's just standing around

00:18:50somebody and,

00:18:50bing!

00:18:54lands in someone's frozen yogurt.

00:18:59Can you give me an explanation

00:19:01as to why

00:19:03the pharmacist

00:19:03has to be

00:19:04two and a half feet up

00:19:06above everybody else?

00:19:08What the hell is he doing?

00:19:10He can't be down there

00:19:11on the floor with you and me.

00:19:12Brain surgeons,

00:19:13airline pilots,

00:19:14nuclear physicists,

00:19:15we're all on the same level.

00:19:16Oh no,

00:19:17he's got to be

00:19:18two and a half feet up.

00:19:20Look out everybody,

00:19:21I'm working with pills.

00:19:24Spread out,

00:19:24give me some room.

00:19:26The only hard part

00:19:27of his whole job

00:19:28that I could see

00:19:29is typing everything

00:19:30onto that little tiny label.

00:19:32It has to try

00:19:34and get all the words on there,

00:19:35keep the paper in the,

00:19:36it's a little piece of paper

00:19:37in the roller

00:19:38of the typewriter.

00:19:39Oh no,

00:19:40he's got to be

00:19:40two and a half feet up.

00:19:42Yeah,

00:19:43I'd like to get this

00:19:44description.

00:19:47All right,

00:19:48you wait down there.

00:19:51Only I'm allowed up here.

00:19:56So I was in the drugstore

00:19:57the other day

00:19:57trying to get a cold medication.

00:19:58Did you ever try

00:19:59and pick one of these out?

00:20:00It's not easy.

00:20:00It's a wall.

00:20:01It's an entire wall

00:20:02of cold medication.

00:20:03You stand there,

00:20:04you're going,

00:20:04all right,

00:20:05all right,

00:20:06okay,

00:20:06what the hell am I doing?

00:20:08This is quick acting,

00:20:10but this is long lasting.

00:20:13When do I need

00:20:14to feel good

00:20:15now or later?

00:20:16It's a tough question.

00:20:18And then we show you

00:20:19the commercials on TV

00:20:20where they show you

00:20:20what's wrong with the guy,

00:20:21you know,

00:20:21and they always show you

00:20:22like all the problems

00:20:23that he's at.

00:20:23First of all,

00:20:24they always show you

00:20:24the human body,

00:20:25which is usually

00:20:26this guy.

00:20:30No face,

00:20:30mouth open.

00:20:31This is how drug companies

00:20:32see the public.

00:20:35And he's always in

00:20:36like a certain pain.

00:20:37It's like red,

00:20:38wavy lines

00:20:39are going through him,

00:20:40you know,

00:20:40or he's glowing.

00:20:41Parts of him

00:20:42are on fire sometimes.

00:20:44Lightning is attacking him.

00:20:46I've never had a doctor

00:20:47say to me,

00:20:48are you having any pain?

00:20:49Yes, I am.

00:20:49Are you having any

00:20:50lightning with the pain?

00:20:53It seems to me

00:20:54the way they design

00:20:55the car alarm

00:20:55is so that the car

00:20:56will behave

00:20:58as if it was

00:20:59a nervous,

00:20:59hysterical person.

00:21:01Anyone goes near it,

00:21:02anyone disturbs it,

00:21:03it's like,

00:21:05lights flashing,

00:21:06I don't know,

00:21:07acting all crazy.

00:21:08Not everyone wants

00:21:09to draw that much

00:21:10attention to themselves.

00:21:11Wouldn't it be nice

00:21:12if you could have

00:21:12a car alarm

00:21:13that was a little

00:21:13more subtle?

00:21:14Maybe just,

00:21:15you know,

00:21:15somebody tries to break in

00:21:16and it goes,

00:21:23excuse me?

00:21:25I would like

00:21:26a car alarm like that.

00:21:29Every mall

00:21:30has a Hofferts in it.

00:21:31I'm sorry,

00:21:32this has got to be

00:21:32a little bit

00:21:32of a scary place

00:21:33to work.

00:21:34I don't know

00:21:34how you feel about it.

00:21:35You want to be

00:21:36standing in there

00:21:36having people

00:21:37coming in all day

00:21:37going,

00:21:38I need knives,

00:21:39I need more knives.

00:21:40Do you have

00:21:41any bigger knives?

00:21:42I'd like a bigger knife,

00:21:43a big, long,

00:21:45sharp knife.

00:21:45That's what I'm

00:21:46in the market for.

00:21:47I like them really sharp.

00:21:48Do you have one

00:21:48with hooks and gouges

00:21:50and like blades

00:21:51that kind of serrated

00:21:52and that's the kind

00:21:54of knife I'm looking for?

00:21:56I need one I can throw,

00:21:57I need another one

00:21:58I can just hack away with.

00:21:59Do you have anything

00:21:59like that?

00:22:03When I was a kid,

00:22:04my favorite ride

00:22:05was the bumper car ride.

00:22:06Remember that ride?

00:22:07Going around in a circle.

00:22:08There was always one kid

00:22:09on the bumper cars

00:22:10that could not do it.

00:22:11Do you remember this kid?

00:22:12As soon as the ride

00:22:14gets started,

00:22:14he'd be like stuck

00:22:15in a pack of empty cars.

00:22:18Just...

00:22:21Excuse me!

00:22:23Excuse me,

00:22:24it won't go!

00:22:25Come on!

00:22:27It's almost over!

00:22:31He always ends up

00:22:32with the attendant

00:22:33hanging off that big pole

00:22:34helping him steer it.

00:22:39Stop crying.

00:22:41This is always that other,

00:22:43one other really bad car,

00:22:44the helpless father

00:22:45and son team.

00:22:46This is another car

00:22:47just not going anywhere.

00:22:48They're never organized.

00:22:49Who's on the wheel?

00:22:51Who's pressing on the gas?

00:22:52They're just,

00:22:53oh son, turn the wheel.

00:22:56Women put on

00:22:57their perfume

00:22:58in an interesting way.

00:22:59I love watching them

00:23:00do that.

00:23:01Did you ever notice that, guys?

00:23:02When they have those,

00:23:02their little key strategio

00:23:04little areas

00:23:06and

00:23:10places

00:23:11they think we're going.

00:23:16And they always hit this one.

00:23:18Women are convinced

00:23:20that this

00:23:20is the most

00:23:22action-packed area

00:23:23that could ever happen

00:23:25in the dating world.

00:23:28What is that, lady?

00:23:29What is happening here?

00:23:30Is that in case

00:23:31you slap the guy

00:23:32or something?

00:23:32He still finds you

00:23:34intriguing?

00:23:35Oh!

00:23:36Chanel.

00:23:39I'm going to get

00:23:40a physical examination.

00:23:42To me,

00:23:42that urine sample,

00:23:44giving them that,

00:23:44that's always a pleasure,

00:23:45isn't it?

00:23:46Then there's always

00:23:47the amount question.

00:23:48I don't know what you need.

00:23:49I mean, that's,

00:23:50I gave you whatever

00:23:51I had there.

00:23:54I got more.

00:23:55I mean, whatever you need,

00:23:55I can get it for you.

00:23:56Just let me know

00:23:57what you need.

00:23:58I mean, it's no problem.

00:23:59I mean,

00:23:59but any kind of physical test,

00:24:01I don't know what it is.

00:24:02I always kind of

00:24:03click into this thing

00:24:03where I want to do really well.

00:24:05You know,

00:24:05if it's going to be

00:24:06a physical test,

00:24:06I want to do well.

00:24:07You know,

00:24:08like,

00:24:08remember when you were

00:24:09in school

00:24:09and they do those

00:24:09hearing tests

00:24:10and you'd really,

00:24:10you'd really be listening,

00:24:12you know,

00:24:13trying to do really,

00:24:15trying to do well.

00:24:16I want to do well.

00:24:16You know,

00:24:16I want them to do

00:24:17unbelievable on the hearing test.

00:24:18I wanted them to come over

00:24:19to me after the hearing test

00:24:20and go,

00:24:21we think you may have

00:24:22something close

00:24:23to super hearing.

00:24:25What you heard

00:24:26was a cotton ball

00:24:27touching a piece of felt.

00:24:30We're sending the results

00:24:31to Washington.

00:24:34We'd like you

00:24:34to meet the president.

00:24:37I tell you,

00:24:38I never really understood

00:24:39the importance

00:24:40of the conductor.

00:24:42I mean,

00:24:42between you and me,

00:24:44what the hell

00:24:45is this guy doing?

00:24:46Do you really need

00:24:48somebody waving

00:24:48a stick in your face

00:24:50to play the violin?

00:24:52Does that really

00:24:52help you out?

00:24:54I can see how

00:24:55we need him

00:24:55at the beginning.

00:24:56Okay?

00:24:57Tap, tap, tap.

00:24:59Start.

00:25:00Okay?

00:25:00I can see how

00:25:01you need that.

00:25:02But once we're going,

00:25:04okay?

00:25:04Once it's all happening,

00:25:06what do we need him

00:25:07for then?

00:25:07I don't see the chalice

00:25:08looking up,

00:25:09go,

00:25:09I'm confused.

00:25:10I don't know

00:25:10what to do.

00:25:11I don't know

00:25:12what to do.

00:25:13And the conductor

00:25:13go,

00:25:14do this,

00:25:14this,

00:25:15like this.

00:25:16Like this.

00:25:16Oh,

00:25:16okay.

00:25:17Thank you very much.

00:25:20See,

00:25:21to me,

00:25:21you go in the hell

00:25:22club,

00:25:22you see all these

00:25:22people,

00:25:23and they're working

00:25:23out,

00:25:24and they're training,

00:25:25and they're getting

00:25:25in shape.

00:25:26But the strange

00:25:27thing is,

00:25:27nobody's really

00:25:28getting in shape

00:25:29for anything.

00:25:30The only reason

00:25:32that you're getting

00:25:33in shape

00:25:33is that so you can

00:25:34get through the

00:25:35workout.

00:25:37So we're working

00:25:39out so that we'll

00:25:40be in shape for

00:25:42when we have to

00:25:42do our exercise.

00:25:45This is the whole

00:25:46thing.

00:25:46The other thing I

00:25:47don't get about it

00:25:48is why we're so

00:25:49careful about locking

00:25:50up our dirty towels

00:25:51and smelly jockstrap.

00:25:54What exactly is the

00:25:56black market on these

00:25:57disgusting gym clothes?

00:26:00I'll give my car to

00:26:02any valet guy in front

00:26:03of a restaurant because

00:26:03he's got a short red

00:26:04jacket.

00:26:04Yeah, he must be

00:26:05the valet guy.

00:26:06I don't even think

00:26:06about it.

00:26:07But my stinking

00:26:08putrefied gym clothes,

00:26:10I got one of these

00:26:11locks.

00:26:12You can put a bullet

00:26:13through it and it

00:26:13won't open.

00:26:15That stuff is safe.

00:26:18Do you think that

00:26:19the people at the

00:26:20airport that run

00:26:22the stores have any

00:26:23idea what the prices

00:26:24are every place else

00:26:25in the world?

00:26:27Or do you think

00:26:27they just feel they

00:26:28have their own little

00:26:29country out there and

00:26:30they can charge

00:26:31anything they want?

00:26:32If you're hungry,

00:26:33tuna sandwich is $9.

00:26:35you don't like it,

00:26:36go back to your own

00:26:37country.

00:26:38I think the whole

00:26:39airport airline complex

00:26:41is a huge scam just

00:26:42to sell the tuna

00:26:43sandwiches.

00:26:44I think that profit is

00:26:46what's supporting the

00:26:47whole air travel

00:26:48industry.

00:26:49I mean, think about it.

00:26:50The terminals,

00:26:51the airplanes,

00:26:51it's all just a

00:26:52distraction so that

00:26:53you don't notice the

00:26:54beating that you're

00:26:55taking on the tuna.

00:26:58phone, I would say the

00:26:59concept behind the car

00:27:00phone and the phone

00:27:01machine, the speaker

00:27:02phone, the airline

00:27:03phone, the portable

00:27:03phone, the pay phone,

00:27:05the cordless phone, the

00:27:05multi-line phone, the

00:27:06phone pager, the call

00:27:07waiting, call forwarding,

00:27:09call conferencing, speed

00:27:10dialing, direct dialing,

00:27:11and the redialing is that

00:27:13we all have absolutely

00:27:14nothing to say and we've

00:27:16got to talk to someone

00:27:17about it right now.

00:27:19Cannot wait another

00:27:20second.

00:27:21I mean, come on, you're

00:27:23at home, you're on the

00:27:23phone, you're in the car,

00:27:24you're making calls, you

00:27:25get to work, any

00:27:26messages for me?

00:27:27You've got to give

00:27:28people a chance to miss

00:27:29you a little.

00:27:33Do you think that the

00:27:35security guards in the

00:27:37art museums really ever

00:27:39stop anybody from

00:27:40taking the paintings?

00:27:42I mean, are they going

00:27:43up to, hey, hey, hey,

00:27:44what do you think you're

00:27:44going with that?

00:27:45Hey, come over here,

00:27:45come over here, give me

00:27:46that saison.

00:27:49I mean, look at the job

00:27:50that this man has hired

00:27:52to do.

00:27:52He's getting $5 an hour

00:27:54to protect millions of

00:27:55dollars of priceless art

00:27:57with what?

00:27:58He's got a light

00:27:59mocha brown uniform

00:28:02and a USA Today.

00:28:03This is what he's got.

00:28:04I mean, crooks must look

00:28:06at this guy and go,

00:28:07all right, all I've got to

00:28:07do is get past the

00:28:08folding chair and the

00:28:09thermos of coffee,

00:28:10we can get a Rembrandt.

00:28:13parking lots now, they have

00:28:14this compact car only

00:28:18spots.

00:28:18Isn't that discrimination

00:28:19against the size of your

00:28:20car?

00:28:21If I want my ass hanging

00:28:23out of the back of my

00:28:24parking spot, that's my

00:28:25business.

00:28:27There are people out there

00:28:28with real asses hanging

00:28:29out of their pants.

00:28:30Nobody's scoffing them.

00:28:33Nobody goes, hey, hold it,

00:28:35sir, those are compact jeans.

00:28:36You can't pull that in

00:28:37there.

00:28:40I bought the Ginsu knife.

00:28:43I did buy the Ginsu knife.

00:28:45I know you can't believe it,

00:28:47but I did, I swear, I saw it.

00:28:49It was late at night, I'm

00:28:49watching the thing, and it

00:28:51started making sense to me.

00:28:53I'm thinking, yeah, cut

00:28:54through the shoe, cut

00:28:55through the cane, yeah.

00:28:57I want that.

00:28:58So I called up the number

00:29:00on the screen, you know, and

00:29:01I said I'd like to order the

00:29:02Ginsu knife.

00:29:04And the lady went, really?

00:29:07I mean, even the Ginsu

00:29:09people have given up.

00:29:10It's really so sad, you

00:29:11know.

00:29:12I mean, I guess to be honest,

00:29:13I mean, if you need a knife

00:29:14that can cut through a shoe,

00:29:16perhaps you're not buying the

00:29:17highest grade of meat

00:29:19currently available.

00:29:20You know, maybe you ought to

00:29:21think about not getting the

00:29:22hoof cut once in a while.

00:29:26It's amazing to me that

00:29:27people will move thousands

00:29:29of miles away to another

00:29:31city.

00:29:32They think nothing of it.

00:29:33They got on a plane, boom,

00:29:34they're there.

00:29:34They just live there now.

00:29:36Just a thousand miles away.

00:29:37I'm living over there.

00:29:38You know, pioneers, it took

00:29:40years to cross the country.

00:29:42Now people will move

00:29:43thousands of miles just for

00:29:44one season.

00:29:46I don't think any pioneers

00:29:47did that, you know.

00:29:48Yeah, it took us a decade to

00:29:49get there.

00:29:51And we stayed for the

00:29:52summer.

00:29:52It was nice.

00:29:53I had a pool.

00:29:54The kids loved it.

00:29:55And then we left about

00:29:56ten years ago and we just

00:29:57got back.

00:29:59We had a great summer and

00:30:00took us 20 years and now

00:30:01our lives are over.

00:30:04Parents like to drag kids to

00:30:05these historical sites on

00:30:07vacation.

00:30:08I remember going to

00:30:09Colonial Williamsburg and

00:30:11you see the supposedly

00:30:13authentic blacksmith there.

00:30:14You know, he's got the

00:30:14three-cornered hat and the

00:30:16knickers and the Def Leppard

00:30:17T-shirt.

00:30:19My parents took me to the

00:30:20Amish country, which to a

00:30:22kid, you know, to see a

00:30:23bunch of people that have no

00:30:24cars, no TV, no phone,

00:30:25they go, so what?

00:30:26Neither do I.

00:30:28It's just a whole community

00:30:29that's been grounded.

00:30:31That's the way they should

00:30:32punish the kids after they

00:30:33take them home.

00:30:33All right, son, get up to

00:30:34your room.

00:30:34That's it.

00:30:35I've had it.

00:30:35You are Amish, young man.

00:30:37For the rest of this

00:30:38weekend, did you hear me?

00:30:39Amish.

00:30:41Don't come down till you

00:30:41make some noodles and raise

00:30:42a barn.

00:30:44My parents had two constant

00:30:46arguments while they were

00:30:48driving over either how fast

00:30:50my father was going or how

00:30:52much gas was left in the

00:30:53tank.

00:30:54My father had a standard

00:30:55defense for either one of

00:30:57these.

00:30:57It was always, that's because

00:30:58you're looking at it from an

00:31:00angle.

00:31:02If you were over here, it

00:31:04looks from where you're

00:31:05sitting.

00:31:06It looks like I'm doing 90

00:31:08on empty.

00:31:10But that's because you're

00:31:11over there.

00:31:13If you were over here, you'd

00:31:14know I'm in the driveway with

00:31:15a full time.

00:31:19It's an entire industry of

00:31:21bad gifts.

00:31:21Aren't they?

00:31:22All those executive gifts,

00:31:24any stupid, goofy, brass,

00:31:26wood thing.

00:31:27They put a piece of green

00:31:28felt on the bottom.

00:31:29It's a golf desk tie and

00:31:32stress organizer, Dad.

00:31:34Well, to me, nothing that

00:31:34pairs with the paperweight as

00:31:36a bad gift.

00:31:37There's no better way than a

00:31:38paperweight to express to

00:31:40someone that I refuse to put

00:31:42any thought in the paperweight

00:31:42into this at all.

00:31:45Where are these people

00:31:45working that the papers are

00:31:47just blowing right off of

00:31:48their desks?

00:31:49What, are they just screwed to

00:31:50the back of a flatbed truck

00:31:51going down the highway or

00:31:53something?

00:31:53What, are they typing up in

00:31:54the crow's nest of a

00:31:55clipper ship?

00:31:56What do you need a paperweight

00:31:57for?

00:31:59Have you ever called someone up and

00:32:01you're disappointed when they

00:32:02answer the phone?

00:32:03You wanted the machine, you

00:32:06know, and you're always kind of

00:32:07thrown off.

00:32:07You go, oh, I didn't know you

00:32:10were there.

00:32:11I just wanted to leave a message

00:32:13saying, sorry, I missed you.

00:32:16So here what we have is two

00:32:17people hate each other, don't

00:32:18really ever want to talk, but the

00:32:20phone machine is like this

00:32:22relationship respirator keeping

00:32:23these marginal brain-dead

00:32:25relationships alive, and we all

00:32:27do it.

00:32:27Why?

00:32:27So that when we come home, you

00:32:28can see that little flashing red

00:32:30light.

00:32:31You go, all right, message it.

00:32:33You see, people need that.

00:32:35It's very important for human

00:32:36beings to feel that they are

00:32:37popular and well-liked amongst a

00:32:39large group of people that we don't

00:32:40care for.

00:32:42I don't think people think of

00:32:43their office as a workplace.

00:32:45I think they think of it as a

00:32:46stationary store with Danish.

00:32:48You know what I mean?

00:32:49You want to get your pastry, your

00:32:51envelopes, your supplies, your

00:32:53toilet paper, six cups of coffee,

00:32:55and you go home.

00:32:56Why do people that work in

00:32:57offices have pictures of their

00:32:59family on their desk facing

00:33:01them?

00:33:02Do they forget that they're

00:33:03married?

00:33:04Do they go, all right, five o'clock,

00:33:05time to hit the bars and pick up

00:33:07some hookers.

00:33:07Hold it a second.

00:33:09I got a wife and three kids.

00:33:11I better get home.

00:33:12I completely forgot.

00:33:15I think the idea behind a

00:33:16tuxedo is kind of the woman's

00:33:18point of view that men are all

00:33:19the same.

00:33:20We might as well dress them that

00:33:21way.

00:33:23That's why, to me, a wedding is

00:33:24like the joining together of a

00:33:25beautiful, glowing bride and some

00:33:27guy.

00:33:29The tuxedo is a wedding safety

00:33:31device created by women because

00:33:33they know that men are

00:33:34undependable.

00:33:35So in case the groom chicken's

00:33:36out, everybody just takes one

00:33:38step over and she marries the

00:33:39next guy.

00:33:40That's why the wedding vow isn't

00:33:42do you take Bill Simpson?

00:33:44It's do you take this man?

00:33:47There's no easy way to break off

00:33:49any relationship.

00:33:50I think when you first start

00:33:52dating, they ought to give you

00:33:53three get-out-of-relationship-

00:33:54free cards.

00:33:55You know what I mean?

00:33:56So you could just go up to the

00:33:57person and go, here you go.

00:34:00I'm sorry.

00:34:00I'll grab the tennis racket.

00:34:01Don't even bother to get up.

00:34:02Have a good one.

00:34:03Sorry.

00:34:05Which is fine unless, of course,

00:34:06the person you're in the

00:34:07relationship with happens to have

00:34:08a eight more months of guilt,

00:34:10torture, and pain card.

00:34:12Hold up.

00:34:13I've got a little something for

00:34:13you.

00:34:16You don't really want to

00:34:17visualize your parents having

00:34:18sex.

00:34:19You know what I mean?

00:34:20It's somehow a very uncomfortable

00:34:21thing.

00:34:22You know in your mind that they

00:34:23had to have sex at least once to

00:34:25have you.

00:34:26But you still kind of maintain

00:34:28the image in your head that,

00:34:29well, I don't know.

00:34:30I'm not positive.

00:34:31I can't prove it.

00:34:33I don't know if that actually

00:34:34happened.

00:34:35That's why I think if I found

00:34:36that I was adopted, that would

00:34:37really come as great news.

00:34:38I'm adopted.

00:34:38That's great.

00:34:39I'd be happy to hear that.

00:34:40That means technically it's

00:34:42possible that my mother and my

00:34:44father are really just really

00:34:46great friends.

00:34:48I mean, sex is great, but you

00:34:49don't want to think that your

00:34:49whole life began because

00:34:51somebody maybe had a little too

00:34:52much wine with dinner.

00:34:55Have you noticed that

00:34:56everything on planes is very

00:34:57tiny?

00:34:58There's always tiny food, tiny

00:34:59liquor bottles, tiny pillows,

00:35:00tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny

00:35:02soap.

00:35:03Everyone's in a cramp seat

00:35:04working on a tiny computer.

00:35:06There's always a small problem,

00:35:08but you're slightly, you'll be

00:35:08a bit late if you could be a

00:35:09little patient.

00:35:11We're just trying to get one of

00:35:12those little trucks to pull us

00:35:14up a little closer to the jet

00:35:15way so you can walk down the

00:35:17narrow hallway.

00:35:18There'll be a man there in a

00:35:19tight suit.

00:35:19He'll tell you you have very

00:35:20little time to make your

00:35:22connecting fly.

00:35:23So move in.

00:35:26So I went to a fashion show.

00:35:28First of all, the whole

00:35:29concept of modeling is

00:35:31counterproductive to the

00:35:31fashion industry because when

00:35:33these women are around, who's

00:35:34looking at clothes?

00:35:35I didn't notice any of the

00:35:36clothes.

00:35:37We're all applauding.

00:35:38Yeah.

00:35:38What are we applauding?

00:35:39We're applauding.

00:35:40There's great looking women

00:35:40here.

00:35:41Yeah, this is great.

00:35:42I'm glad I'm here in this

00:35:44room with all these great

00:35:45looking women.

00:35:45Anybody can design a shirt.

00:35:47It takes talent to get all

00:35:47these girls in one spot.

00:35:50That's talent.

00:35:51What is this goofy walk that the

00:35:53models do?

00:35:54You know this walk that they do

00:35:55down the runway?

00:35:57It's like they have to go

00:35:57somewhere.

00:35:58You know, they're walking like

00:35:59they're really on the way

00:36:01somewhere.

00:36:02You know, and then they get to

00:36:03the end and it's like, well, I

00:36:05guess I'll just go back.

00:36:09What is with the age gap hiring

00:36:11policy at most movie theaters?

00:36:13They never hire anyone between

00:36:14the ages of 15 and 80.

00:36:16You know what I mean?

00:36:17Like the girl that sells you the

00:36:19ticket, she's 10.

00:36:20Then there's the guy that

00:36:21ripped it.

00:36:21He's 102.

00:36:23But what happened in the

00:36:24middle day?

00:36:24Couldn't find anybody?

00:36:25It's like they want to show you

00:36:26how life comes full circle.

00:36:29You know, you're 15.

00:36:30You're selling the tickets.

00:36:31Then you leave.

00:36:31You go out.

00:36:32You have a family, kids,

00:36:33marriage, career, grandchildren.

00:36:3480 years later, you're back in

00:36:36the same theater, three feet

00:36:37away, ripping tickets.

00:36:39It took you 80 years to move

00:36:40three feet.

00:36:42What are lawyers really?

00:36:44To me, a lawyer is basically the

00:36:47person that knows the rules of

00:36:48the country.

00:36:50We're all throwing the dice,

00:36:52playing the game, moving our

00:36:53pieces around the board.

00:36:54But if there's a problem, the

00:36:55lawyer is the only person that

00:36:57has read the inside of the top

00:36:58of the box.

00:37:00I think one of the fun things

00:37:01for them is to say objection.

00:37:04Objection.

00:37:06Objection, Your Honor.

00:37:09Objection, of course, is the

00:37:10adult version of afraid not.

00:37:17To which the judge can say two

00:37:20things.

00:37:20He can say overruled, which is the

00:37:22adult version of afraid so.

00:37:25Or he can say sustained, which is

00:37:27the adult version of duh.

00:37:31The basic problem with the

00:37:34beginning of the relationship, I

00:37:35think, is that each person has

00:37:37their own sexual timetable of what

00:37:39should happen when that the other

00:37:40person knows nothing about.

00:37:42That's why I really think we need

00:37:44some sort of sexual rule book where

00:37:46it's written down and agreed upon

00:37:48sexual standard dating procedure.

00:37:51You know what I mean?

00:37:51So if there's any problems, you can

00:37:53go, look, honey, I'm very sorry, but

00:37:55we've been out three times, and

00:37:57according to Article 7, Section 5,

00:37:59there's got to be some physical

00:38:01contact, as you can see, right there.

00:38:03Otherwise, I will report you to the

00:38:04board, and they can put out a

00:38:05warrant for an embrace.

00:38:08I am getting a little tired of

00:38:10pretending I'm excited every time

00:38:12it's somebody's birthday, you know

00:38:14what I mean?

00:38:14What is the big deal?

00:38:16How many times do we have to

00:38:17celebrate that someone was born?

00:38:20Every year, all you did was not die

00:38:23for 12 months.

00:38:24That's all you've done, as far as I

00:38:26could tell.

00:38:26I love those astrology things where

00:38:28they tell you all the people that

00:38:29have the same birthday as you.

00:38:31It's always an odd group of people,

00:38:32too, isn't it?

00:38:33It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammad,

00:38:34and Secretariat.

00:38:37The life expectancy now is 72, I

00:38:40think, for men, 75 or 6 or

00:38:42something for women.

00:38:43It's amazing to think that just a

00:38:45couple thousand years ago, life

00:38:46expectancy was 30, which, in our

00:38:49terms, would mean that you get your

00:38:50driver's license around 5, you're

00:38:53married at 9, divorced at 15, in

00:38:56your late teens, you move down to

00:38:57Florida.

00:38:59I guess that's how spring break got

00:39:00started, I don't know.

00:39:02And then eventually, people are saying

00:39:03things about you, like, well, it's

00:39:05amazing, he's 28, but he's still very

00:39:06alert.

00:39:07His mind is so sharp, you would think

00:39:09you're talking to a two-year-old.

00:39:12I don't belong to a health club.

00:39:13I have a strict limit on the number of

00:39:14naked men I need to see in one day.

00:39:18Zero.

00:39:20That's it.

00:39:21What is with the high level of

00:39:23security at the health club?

00:39:24Do you know what I mean?

00:39:24The picture IDs, the security guards,

00:39:26people signing in and out.

00:39:27What is this, the Kremlin?

00:39:29I mean, the people that have a

00:39:30membership go twice a year.

00:39:32Who's breaking in?

00:39:34Is this a big problem, people

00:39:35stealing exercise?

00:39:38And what if they catch the person?

00:39:39What then?

00:39:40They run.

00:39:40It's aerobic.

00:39:42Makes it even worse.

00:39:44You can't just have an adultery.

00:39:46You commit adultery.

00:39:48And you can't even commit adultery

00:39:50unless you already have a commitment.

00:39:52So you have to make the commitment

00:39:54before you can even think about

00:39:55committing it.

00:39:56There's no commit without the

00:39:57commit.

00:39:58Then once you commit, then you can

00:40:00commit the adultery.

00:40:02Then you can get caught, get

00:40:03divorced, lose your mind, and they

00:40:04have you committed.

00:40:05But, you know, some people actually

00:40:07cheat on the people that they're

00:40:10cheating with.

00:40:11Which is like, you know, being in a

00:40:13hold-up and then turning to the

00:40:14robber next to you and going,

00:40:15all right, give me everything you

00:40:16have, too.

00:40:19Whenever you ask for the doggy bag

00:40:21in a restaurant, there's a certain

00:40:22sense of failure there, isn't it?

00:40:24People always whisper it to the

00:40:26waiter.

00:40:26Excuse me.

00:40:29I'm sorry.

00:40:29You're going to have to give me the

00:40:30doggy bag.

00:40:32I couldn't make it.

00:40:35And it is embarrassing because the

00:40:36doggy bag means either you are out

00:40:38at a restaurant when you're not

00:40:39hungry or you've chosen the stupidest

00:40:42possible way to get dog food that

00:40:44there is.

00:40:45How about the doggy bag on a date?

00:40:47That's a good move for a guy, huh?

00:40:49Let me tell you something.

00:40:50If you're a guy, you ask for the

00:40:51doggy bag on a date, you might as

00:40:53well have them just wrap up your

00:40:54genitals, too.

00:40:56You're not going to be needing those

00:40:57for a while, either.

00:40:59I have a friend that's about to get

00:41:01married.

00:41:01They're having the bachelor party and

00:41:03the bride will shower the same day.

00:41:04So it's conceivable that while she's

00:41:06getting lingerie, he'll be at a nude

00:41:08bar watching a table dancer in the

00:41:10same outfit.

00:41:12That is possible.

00:41:15But to me, the difference between being

00:41:16single and being married is the form of

00:41:18government.

00:41:19You see, when you're single, you are the

00:41:20dictator of your own life.

00:41:22I have complete power.

00:41:23When I give the order to fall asleep on

00:41:24the sofa with the TV on in the middle of

00:41:26today, no one can overrule me.

00:41:30When you're married, you are part of a

00:41:31vast decision-making body.

00:41:34Before anything gets done, there are

00:41:35meetings.

00:41:36Committees have to study the situation.

00:41:38And this is if the marriage works.

00:41:40I think that's what's so painful about

00:41:42divorce.

00:41:42You've been impeached.

00:41:43You weren't even the president.

00:41:45To me, the whole concept of fear of

00:41:48success is proof that we are definitely

00:41:50scraping the bottom of the fear

00:41:52barrel.

00:41:53Are we going to have to have AA-type

00:41:54meetings for these people?

00:41:56Go, hi, my name is Bill, and the one

00:41:58thing I'm worried about is having a

00:42:00stereo and a cream-colored couch.

00:42:03According to most studies, people's

00:42:06number one fear is public speaking.

00:42:08Number two is death.

00:42:13Death is number two.

00:42:16Now, this means to the average person,

00:42:19if you have to go to a funeral, you're

00:42:21better off in the casket than doing

00:42:23the eulogy.

00:42:25How about that seedless watermelon?

00:42:27What an invention.

00:42:28Scientists are working on this.

00:42:29I mean, other scientists devote their

00:42:30lives to fighting cancer, AIDS, heart

00:42:32disease.

00:42:33These guys go, no, I'm focusing on

00:42:34melon.

00:42:36Oh, sure, thousands of people are dying

00:42:38needlessly.

00:42:39But this, that's got to stop.

00:42:43You ever try and pick a wet one up off

00:42:45the floor?

00:42:46It's almost impossible.

00:42:47I'm devoting my life to that.

00:42:50So I guess if they can get rid of the seeds,

00:42:52the rind is going next.

00:42:54What do we need that for?

00:42:55Get rid of the rind.

00:42:56They're not going to stop until they're

00:42:57making in the ground, ready to eat fruit

00:42:59cups, growing right out of the ground.

00:43:01There's no way that moving in with your

00:43:04parents is a sign that your life is

00:43:06right on track.

00:43:08There's no way that you could fake this

00:43:11even.

00:43:11Yeah, things are going great.

00:43:12I've had a terrific girl.

00:43:13I've got a great job making a lot of money.

00:43:14And if everything goes according to plan,

00:43:16I'm going to be moving back in with my

00:43:18parents soon.

00:43:21It's like getting busted on a parole

00:43:23violation and thrown back into the

00:43:24slammer.

00:43:25In the opinion of the board, you'd need

00:43:27further rehabilitation, I'm afraid.

00:43:30And you go back into that little room of

00:43:32yours, you feel so huge.

00:43:34It's like you could take your bed and just

00:43:35crush it in your hands.

00:43:37You can hold your parents between your

00:43:38fingers and going, why were they so afraid

00:43:40of you people when I was growing up?

00:43:43I never get enough sleep.

00:43:45I stay up late at night because I'm night

00:43:46guy.

00:43:47Night guy wants to stay up late.

00:43:49What about getting up after five hours

00:43:50of sleep?

00:43:51Oh, that's morning guy's problem.

00:43:53That's not my problem.

00:43:54I'm night guy.

00:43:55I stay up as late as I want.

00:43:57So you get up in the morning, you're warm,

00:43:59you're exhausted, cloggy.

00:44:00Oh, I hate that night guy.

00:44:03See, night guy always screws morning guy.

00:44:06There's nothing morning guy can do.

00:44:08The only morning guy can do is try and

00:44:10oversleep often enough so that day guy

00:44:11loses his job and night guy has no money

00:44:14to go out anymore.

00:44:16To me, government is basically parents for

00:44:20adults.

00:44:21Especially the IRS.

00:44:22The IRS is like Ward and June Cleaver.

00:44:25And we're all Wally and the Beaver.

00:44:28And your accountant is Eddie Haskell

00:44:30showing you all these neat tricks to get

00:44:31away with stuff.

00:44:33Which is fine unless you get audited.

00:44:35Then you don't want some wise guy in a suit

00:44:37just standing there going, you have a very

00:44:39lovely office here, sir.

00:44:41Because jail is the government's way of

00:44:43sending you to your room.

00:44:45And when you meet Whitey and Lumpy in the

00:44:47joint, there's really going to be something

00:44:50wrong with the Beaver.

00:44:53If you look at a hospital, the basic treatment

00:44:55everybody gets is to lie in a bed.

00:44:56Whatever is wrong with a human being, lie down.

00:44:59Doctor never says to you, well, your condition

00:45:01isn't as bad as we originally thought.

00:45:03We want you to kind of lean against a door

00:45:04jam for seven to ten days.

00:45:06See how that feels.

00:45:08It's always a bed.

00:45:09Unless you go to the emergency room, then it's a

00:45:11chair.

00:45:11You can shy, you can stag, you can run over.

00:45:13Have a seat.

00:45:16There's always a very interesting cultural

00:45:18ethnic mix of the hospital staff, isn't it?

00:45:20It's like a local news team in there.

00:45:22The doctor's like the anchorman, he's got the

00:45:24white hair, he's in charge.

00:45:25The nurse is like the feature reporter, you

00:45:27know.

00:45:28You listen to it, but it's always a now, back

00:45:30to your doctor.

00:45:32And the orderlies come in with the food and

00:45:33the bedpans, and that's like your sports

00:45:35and weather.

00:45:37Professional tennis, to me, I don't

00:45:39understand all the shushing.

00:45:40Why are they always shushing?

00:45:41Shh, shh, shh.

00:45:42Don't the players know that we're there?

00:45:46Should we duck down behind the seat so they

00:45:48don't see us watching them?

00:45:50To me, tennis is basically just ping pong, and

00:45:52the players are standing on the table.

00:45:55That's all it is.

00:45:57And that goofy scoring, you win one point, all

00:46:00of a sudden you're up by 15.

00:46:03Two points, 30 love.

00:46:0530 love.

00:46:07Sounds like an English call girl.

00:46:08That'll be 30 love.

00:46:11Hey, could you be a little quieter next time,

00:46:13please?

00:46:15I had glasses when I was 10 years old.

00:46:17Anybody beat that?

00:46:18Anybody got them younger than that?

00:46:20Seven.

00:46:20Seven?

00:46:22Two?

00:46:27Anybody born with glasses?

00:46:29Come out.

00:46:31Actually, come out of the birth canal and go,

00:46:34that was a hell of a delivery, I'll tell you that.

00:46:40Can I clean these?

00:46:41Does anybody have one of those old claws?

00:46:45I was just born.

00:46:46They're a little...

00:46:48A little slunchy.

00:46:50The old-fashioned barbershop is,

00:46:53unfortunately, becoming a thing of the past.

00:46:56Now, what went wrong?

00:46:57Well, first of all, it is a $20,000 chair

00:47:00to make a $3 tip.

00:47:03I say, cut back on the chair,

00:47:05update the magazines.

00:47:07A lot of barbers always display that license.

00:47:10There's no laws in haircutting.

00:47:12Except show every customer the back of their head.

00:47:14That's the one law.

00:47:15I don't want to see the back of my head.

00:47:16Why do I want to see something

00:47:17that I'm never going to see at any other time?

00:47:19When I buy pants,

00:47:20two salesmen don't lift me up by the legs

00:47:22and go, how do you like the crotch?

00:47:25If I wanted to see everything,

00:47:26I would have been a fly.

00:47:28If there's a serial killer loose in your neighborhood,

00:47:30it seems like the safest thing

00:47:32is to be the neighbor.

00:47:33They never kill the neighbor.

00:47:34The neighbor always survives

00:47:35to do the interview afterwards, right?

00:47:38He was kind of quiet.

00:47:39I love these neighbors.

00:47:40They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering.

00:47:43Just stereo.

00:47:44Chainsaws, people screaming, fine.

00:47:46Just keep the music down.

00:47:49I love these women that always fall in love

00:47:50with the serial killer.

00:47:51They write to him in prison.

00:47:52And here's a woman that's hard to disappoint.

00:47:55I guess she's only upset

00:47:56when she finds out he stopped killing people.

00:47:58And she goes,

00:48:00you know, sometimes I feel like

00:48:01I don't even know who you are anymore.

00:48:05You can always tell

00:48:05what was the best year of your father's life

00:48:07because they seem to freeze that clothing style

00:48:09and just ride it out to the end, don't they?

00:48:12And it's not like they don't continue shopping.

00:48:14It's just they somehow managed to find new old clothes.

00:48:17Every father is like this fashion time capsule,

00:48:20you know what I mean?

00:48:20It's like they should be on a pedestal

00:48:22with someone next to him going,

00:48:23this was 1965.

00:48:26To me, the worst thing is shopping for pants.

00:48:28I hate dressing and undressing in that little room.

00:48:30What men need is a place to shop

00:48:32where you go in,

00:48:33you check your pants at the door,

00:48:34and you just walk around the store in your underwear.

00:48:37That would be the best way.

00:48:38Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman.

00:48:40Need some help?

00:48:40No, just getting some air.

00:48:43You know, doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation,

00:48:46but it's really like one of the only jobs

00:48:48where you have to have your diploma

00:48:49right up there on the wall.

00:48:51It makes them seem so insecure, doesn't it?

00:48:53I really am a doctor, you know.

00:48:57You think I'm not?

00:48:58Just check it out.

00:49:01I mean, I don't know why they need these little bits

00:49:03of psychological leverage over us all the time.

00:49:05Go in that little room,

00:49:06take your pants off,

00:49:07wait 15 minutes,

00:49:08and I'll give you my opinion.

00:49:11And after that,

00:49:12anybody that comes in with pants on

00:49:13seems like they know what they're talking about.

00:49:16Any difference of opinion,

00:49:17pants always beats no pants.

00:49:21Whales are supposed to be such an intelligent animal,

00:49:24you know,

00:49:24you always hear about

00:49:25how they can communicate by song from miles away,

00:49:29how extensive their vocabulary is.

00:49:31I would say,

00:49:32from the rate we are pushing the whales off the beach

00:49:33back into the ocean,

00:49:35the words shore and close

00:49:37do not appear to be in their vocabulary.

00:49:40I would say the whales

00:49:41concentrate a little less on the singing,

00:49:42a little more on the approaching

00:49:44Cuervo Beach Volleyball Tournament.

00:49:47I want to maintain that brainy mammal image.

00:49:51It is my opinion

00:49:52that we never should have landed a man on the moon.

00:49:55It's a mistake.

00:49:56Now everything is compared

00:49:57to that one accomplishment.

00:49:59Now we go,

00:49:59I can't believe they can land a man on the moon

00:50:02and taste my coffee.

00:50:04I think we all would have been a lot happier

00:50:06if we hadn't landed a man on the moon.

00:50:07Then we go,

00:50:08they can't make a prescription bottle top

00:50:09that's easy to open.

00:50:10I'm not surprised they couldn't land a man on the moon.

00:50:13Things make perfect sense to me now.

00:50:16Neil Armstrong should have said

00:50:18that's one small step for man,

00:50:19one giant leap for every whining,

00:50:21complaining SOB on the page of the air.

00:50:24I love these nature shows.

00:50:26I'll watch any kind of nature show.

00:50:27And it's amazing how you can always relate

00:50:28to whatever they're talking about.

00:50:30You know, like you're watching

00:50:31the African dung beetle

00:50:32and you're going,

00:50:33well, his life is a lot like mine.

00:50:35And you always root

00:50:36for whichever animal

00:50:37is the star of the show that week.

00:50:39Like if it's the antelope

00:50:40and there's a lion chasing the antelope,

00:50:41you'll run, antelope, run!

00:50:43Use your speed!

00:50:43Get away!

00:50:46The next week it's the lion

00:50:47and then they'll be going,

00:50:49get the antelope!

00:50:49Eat him!

00:50:50Bite his ass!

00:50:51Trap him!

00:50:51Don't let him use his speed!

00:50:54Our mannequin's kind of an insult

00:50:56to your imagination.

00:50:57You couldn't possibly visualize a sweater.

00:50:59So we'll show you

00:51:00on this life-size snotty puppet.

00:51:02I guess when they're finished with him,

00:51:04they become crash-test dummies.

00:51:05That's the end of the line

00:51:06for a mannequin.

00:51:08Whatever happened to Bob?

00:51:09Have you seen that new Volvo commercial?

00:51:11He's got a bullseye

00:51:12right in his face.

00:51:15Mannequins are only used

00:51:16for car accidents and fashion.

00:51:18I guess these are the two situations

00:51:19that it's impossible

00:51:20for us to imagine ourselves.

00:51:22Well-dressed or getting killed.

00:51:24I'm sure that some pro-mannequin organization

00:51:26doesn't even like you

00:51:27to use the term mannequin.

00:51:28Hey, they're not mannequins.

00:51:30They're the life-deprived.

00:51:33The bus is the single,

00:51:35stupidest, fattest, slowest,

00:51:36most despised vehicle

00:51:38on the road, isn't it?

00:51:39You ever notice

00:51:40when you get behind the bus,

00:51:41people in your car go,

00:51:41what are you doing?

00:51:42Get away!

00:51:43Come on!

00:51:44The back of the bus,

00:51:45it's like an eclipse, isn't it?

00:51:47People are just like,

00:51:48the sun, where's the sun?

00:51:50It's like this huge metal ass

00:51:51just taking up

00:51:52the whole windshield of your car.

00:51:56When it pulls out,

00:51:56it even sounds like a fat uncle

00:51:58trying to get out of a sofa.

00:52:03I think of all the places

00:52:04that you go all the time,

00:52:06the dry-cleaning relationship

00:52:07is one of the most bizarre

00:52:08because you keep giving each other

00:52:09the same thing

00:52:10back and forth

00:52:11over and over again.

00:52:12He gives it to you,

00:52:13you give it to him,

00:52:14he gives it back to you.

00:52:15It's like it's half his shirt,

00:52:17in a way.

00:52:18He has it as much as you do.

00:52:20You ought to go shopping with him.

00:52:22What do you think of this shirt?

00:52:23That would look good

00:52:23with a light starch.

00:52:26The only warning label

00:52:27people really respect

00:52:28is dry-clean-only.

00:52:30You know what I mean?

00:52:31Speed limits,

00:52:31lung cancer,

00:52:32cigarette warnings.

00:52:33Your very life is at stake.

00:52:34People go,

00:52:35ah, the hell with it.

00:52:36But dry-clean-only,

00:52:37oh, don't put that in the wash.

00:52:38It's dry-clean-only.

00:52:39Are you crazy?

00:52:41I really feel,

00:52:42as human beings,

00:52:43we need more training

00:52:44in our basic social skills.

00:52:46Conversational distance.

00:52:47Don't you hate these people

00:52:48that talk to you?

00:52:49They talk into your mouth

00:52:50like you're a clown

00:52:50at a drive-thru.

00:52:53And handshakes is the worst.

00:52:54There's absolutely no guidelines

00:52:55for handshakes.

00:52:56You don't have people

00:52:57too strong,

00:52:58too weak.

00:52:59Sometimes they give you

00:53:00the three-quarter handshake,

00:53:01just the fingers.

00:53:02Early release,

00:53:04late release.

00:53:04Sometimes people will dispute

00:53:06your release.

00:53:07You've let go,

00:53:08they're hanging on.

00:53:09I have actually said to people,

00:53:11hey,

00:53:12the handshake is over.

00:53:15Too many pumps

00:53:16coming in too high.

00:53:17Too sweaty

00:53:18from too far away.

00:53:21Sometimes a guy

00:53:22will give you

00:53:22a strong grip,

00:53:23late release,

00:53:24and pull you in

00:53:25for the too-close conversation.

00:53:27To him,

00:53:28I say,

00:53:28that's three strikes.

00:53:29You're out.

00:53:31To me,

00:53:31the thing about birthday parties

00:53:32is that the first birthday party

00:53:33you have

00:53:34and the last birthday party

00:53:35you have

00:53:35are actually quite similar.

00:53:37You know,

00:53:37you just kind of sit there.

00:53:39You're the least excited person

00:53:40at the party.

00:53:42You don't even really realize

00:53:43that there is a party.

00:53:45You don't know

00:53:45what's going on.

00:53:47Both birthday parties,

00:53:48people kind of have to help you

00:53:49blow out the candles.

00:53:50You can't do it.

00:53:51You don't even know

00:53:51why you're doing it.

00:53:52What is this ritual?

00:53:53What is going on?

00:53:55It's also the only

00:53:56two birthday parties

00:53:57where other people

00:53:58have to gather

00:53:59your friends together

00:54:00for you.

00:54:02Sometimes they're not

00:54:03even your friends.

00:54:03They make the judgment.

00:54:04They bring them in,

00:54:05they sit them down,

00:54:06and they tell you,

00:54:07these are your friends.

00:54:09Tell them,

00:54:10thank you for coming

00:54:11to my birthday party.

00:54:13I find the human fascination

00:54:15with water

00:54:15is amazing.

00:54:16We're constantly going

00:54:17to beaches,

00:54:18pools,

00:54:18lakes,

00:54:19rivers.

00:54:19We're swimming,

00:54:20we're snorkeling,

00:54:21we're scuba diving,

00:54:23we bathe in it.

00:54:24Our bodies are mostly

00:54:24made of water.

00:54:25Everyone's carrying around

00:54:26these bottles of water.

00:54:28It's like,

00:54:28we can't get enough water

00:54:29unless it rains.

00:54:30Then we're like,

00:54:31oh, look,

00:54:31I'm soaked.

00:54:34I am literally drenched.

00:54:37For some reason,

00:54:38we have a huge problem

00:54:39with small flying water.

00:54:42It'll just stop us

00:54:43right in our tracks.

00:54:44Oh, I felt a drop.

00:54:47We're going to get caught in it.

00:54:50Everyone cover your

00:54:51water bottles.

00:54:52Run!

00:54:54It seems pretty hard

00:54:55to justify,

00:54:56at this point in human history,

00:54:58the existence of men

00:54:59and their handkerchiefs.

00:55:00I mean,

00:55:01they open it up,

00:55:02blow their nose in it,

00:55:03and then put it back

00:55:04in their pocket

00:55:04with their other valuables.

00:55:06Wallet, keys, mucus,

00:55:07yup, got everything.

00:55:10Is it because men

00:55:11can't give birth?

00:55:12Are they just proud

00:55:13of anything that comes

00:55:13out of us?

00:55:17We'll actually

00:55:18have a monogram

00:55:19sewn onto it.

00:55:20What is the source

00:55:20of pride here?

00:55:22We'll actually have it

00:55:22sticking up out

00:55:23of a breast pocket

00:55:24of our jacket.

00:55:24I have a snot rag.

00:55:28I've always wondered

00:55:29why baseball is

00:55:31so associated

00:55:32with sex.

00:55:33He's playing the field.

00:55:34Oh, he scored.

00:55:35He didn't get to first,

00:55:36the base.

00:55:36I struck out.

00:55:38Why?

00:55:38She wanted a diamond.

00:55:39It's always baseball.

00:55:40Always baseball.

00:55:42As far as baseball goes,

00:55:44I prefer the fat umpires.

00:55:46I feel if you're on the field

00:55:48and you're not in the game,

00:55:49you should be in the worst

00:55:50physical condition

00:55:51a human being could possibly be.

00:55:52They should be allowed

00:55:53to eat during the game.

00:55:57We're a little too into sports

00:55:58in this country.

00:55:59I think we've got

00:55:59to throttle back.

00:56:00You know what I mean?

00:56:01People come home

00:56:02from these games.

00:56:02We won!

00:56:03We won!

00:56:03No, they won!

00:56:04You won!

00:56:07I find it fascinating

00:56:09when you go in the

00:56:10stationery store

00:56:11that they're manufacturing

00:56:12millions of pens

00:56:14constantly.

00:56:14We're all buying them.

00:56:15I must have bought

00:56:166,000 BICs in my life.

00:56:18I've used up

00:56:19maybe two of them.

00:56:20Where is the rest of them?

00:56:21When you move

00:56:22the refrigerator,

00:56:22there's always a couple

00:56:23back there,

00:56:23but that doesn't account

00:56:24for it.

00:56:26Where are all the pens?

00:56:28That's why it's so

00:56:29embarrassing

00:56:29if you don't have one.

00:56:30You got a pen?

00:56:32Can I borrow a pen?

00:56:33We always have to whisper

00:56:34because it's so humiliating.

00:56:35I don't have a pen!

00:56:37You're making millions

00:56:39of them every week.

00:56:39I know!

00:56:40Where are they?

00:56:43There's something

00:56:44very insincere

00:56:44about these greeting cards

00:56:45that we send back and forth

00:56:46to each other all the time.

00:56:47They're like these little

00:56:48$1 folded paper

00:56:50emotional prostitutes,

00:56:51isn't it?

00:56:52I don't know

00:56:53what my feelings are,

00:56:53so I'll just pay

00:56:54some total stranger

00:56:55a buck

00:56:56to make up this little

00:56:57hallmark hooker

00:56:58to do the job for me.

00:57:00So I can go,

00:57:01here,

00:57:01I didn't write this,

00:57:02but whatever they wrote,

00:57:03I think the same thing.

00:57:06Wouldn't it be better

00:57:07if we just had one card

00:57:08that covered every occasion

00:57:09for everybody

00:57:10in one shot?

00:57:11Just happy birthday,

00:57:12merry Christmas,

00:57:13happy anniversary,

00:57:13congratulations,

00:57:14it's a boy,

00:57:15and our deepest sympathies.

00:57:17Signed,

00:57:18the whole office.

00:57:21I think the thing

00:57:22I admire most

00:57:23about the Chinese

00:57:24is that they're

00:57:24hanging in there

00:57:25with the chopsticks.

00:57:27Because if you think

00:57:28about it,

00:57:28you know they've seen

00:57:29the fork

00:57:29by now.

00:57:31I'm sure they've

00:57:32seen the spoon.

00:57:33They're going,

00:57:33yeah,

00:57:34they're okay.

00:57:36We're going to stay

00:57:37with the sticks.

00:57:39I mean,

00:57:40I don't know

00:57:40how they missed it.

00:57:41Thousands of years ago,

00:57:43a Chinese farmer

00:57:44gets up,

00:57:44has his breakfast

00:57:45with the chopstick,

00:57:46goes out,

00:57:47and works all day

00:57:47in the field

00:57:48with a shovel.

00:57:50Hello?

00:57:52Hello?

00:57:52Shovel?

00:57:54Not going out

00:57:55there plowing

00:57:5640 acres

00:57:56with a couple

00:57:57of pool cubes.

00:58:00Love seed

00:58:01is an interesting

00:58:01little item there.

00:58:02I guess some guy

00:58:03thought,

00:58:03well,

00:58:03if we can't get him

00:58:04to sit closer to us,

00:58:05why not just

00:58:06shorten the furniture?

00:58:07Another favorite

00:58:08furniture brand

00:58:09is the Lazy Boy.

00:58:10It's very flattering

00:58:11to the prospective

00:58:12customer,

00:58:13isn't it?

00:58:15Why don't we just

00:58:15call it the half-conscious

00:58:16deadbeat with no job,

00:58:18home all day,

00:58:19eating Cheetos,

00:58:20and watching TV

00:58:21reclining?

00:58:23I mean,

00:58:23it goes back

00:58:24so far,

00:58:25that thing.

00:58:26I mean,

00:58:26go to bed already,

00:58:27it's over,

00:58:28you wife!

00:58:31I've never been able

00:58:32to figure out

00:58:32why they make

00:58:33these bizarre

00:58:33toilet seats

00:58:34that they have.

00:58:35You know,

00:58:35like those clear

00:58:36lucite ones

00:58:37with all the

00:58:37coins in it.

00:58:39It's a lovely

00:58:40tribute to our

00:58:41past president,

00:58:41by the way.

00:58:42It's not bad enough

00:58:43Lincoln got shot

00:58:44in the head,

00:58:44we've got to pull

00:58:45down our pants

00:58:46and sit on it, too.

00:58:48It's just

00:58:49incomprehensible

00:58:51that you would

00:58:51buy a thing

00:58:52like this,

00:58:53you would stall

00:58:53it on your

00:58:53toilet seat,

00:58:54and this says

00:58:54what about you?

00:58:56Well,

00:58:56I can't afford

00:58:57to just throw

00:58:58money down

00:58:58the toilet,

00:58:59but look how

00:58:59close I am.

00:59:02If you have

00:59:02a close friend

00:59:03and they get

00:59:03involved with

00:59:04someone in a

00:59:05relationship,

00:59:05it affects

00:59:06your friendship,

00:59:06doesn't it?

00:59:07Because it's like

00:59:07if you were a

00:59:08comedy team,

00:59:09and now there's

00:59:09this third person.

00:59:10You know,

00:59:11it kind of throws

00:59:11off the timing.

00:59:12Who's on first?

00:59:13I don't know.

00:59:14Dear,

00:59:15who do you think

00:59:15is on first?

00:59:18In fact,

00:59:19whenever a friend

00:59:19of mine starts

00:59:20with a new

00:59:21girlfriend,

00:59:21he should just

00:59:21say,

00:59:22I look like

00:59:23the person

00:59:23you used to

00:59:24know,

00:59:24but I've been

00:59:25modified to

00:59:26survive in

00:59:26this relationship.

00:59:28In other words,

00:59:28if we're having

00:59:29an argument

00:59:29and she's there,

00:59:30I may say,

00:59:31I totally disagree

00:59:32with you,

00:59:32but what that

00:59:33means is,

00:59:34I'd like to

00:59:34help you out,

00:59:35but I'd rather

00:59:35continue to see

00:59:36her naked.

00:59:38Car names are

00:59:39so stupid,

00:59:40aren't they?

00:59:40No baron

00:59:41has ever

00:59:41owned a LeBaron

00:59:43or the Ford

00:59:45LTD.

00:59:46LTD.

00:59:46Limited.

00:59:47It's a limited

00:59:48edition.

00:59:49What do they make?

00:59:4950 million of those?

00:59:51Yes,

00:59:52it's limited

00:59:53to the number

00:59:54we can sell

00:59:56or when they

00:59:56try and mangle

00:59:57a positive word

00:59:58into a car name.

01:00:00You know how

01:00:00they'll do that?

01:00:00The Integra.

01:00:02Oh,

01:00:03integrity?

01:00:04No,

01:00:04Integra.

01:00:06The Supra

01:00:07or the

01:00:08Impresso.

01:00:09Yeah?

01:00:10Well,

01:00:10I hope it's

01:00:10not a

01:00:11Limona

01:00:13or

01:00:13you'll be

01:00:14hearing from

01:00:14my lawyer.

01:00:17I don't even

01:00:18know what

01:00:18is supposed

01:00:19to be so

01:00:19attractive

01:00:20about fur.

01:00:21Why does

01:00:21a man

01:00:22want to

01:00:23see a woman

01:00:23in fur?

01:00:24Men want

01:00:24women to

01:00:24shave their

01:00:25legs,

01:00:25shave their

01:00:25armpits,

01:00:26pluck their

01:00:26eyebrows,

01:00:27and then

01:00:27before we

01:00:27go out,

01:00:28we dress

01:00:28them up

01:00:28like a

01:00:28bear?

01:00:30To me,

01:00:31the only

01:00:31reason to

01:00:31wear fur

01:00:32would be

01:00:32if you were

01:00:33trying to

01:00:33sneak up on

01:00:34another animal.

01:00:35You ever

01:00:35see those

01:00:36tribal hunters

01:00:36where they wear

01:00:37the fur

01:00:38and then they

01:00:38have the

01:00:38other animal's

01:00:39head on

01:00:40top of

01:00:40their head?

01:00:41You know,

01:00:42I'm sure

01:00:42there's a

01:00:42moose

01:00:42looking at

01:00:43that going,

01:00:43yeah,

01:00:43that looks

01:00:44real good.

01:00:45I'm going

01:00:46to turn

01:00:46my back

01:00:46on this

01:00:47goofball

01:00:47with the

01:00:48extra head

01:00:49because there's

01:00:50nothing fishy

01:00:50going on there.

01:00:51I'll just

01:00:51keep drinking

01:00:52from the

01:00:52stream.

01:00:53I've seen

01:00:54a lot of

01:00:54two-headed

01:00:54tigers

01:00:55with knees.

01:00:58The Christmas

01:00:58tree certainly

01:00:59seems to

01:00:59inspire a

01:01:00love-hate

01:01:01relationship.

01:01:02All that

01:01:02time is spent

01:01:03selecting it

01:01:04and decorating

01:01:05it,

01:01:05and then a

01:01:06week after,

01:01:07it's just

01:01:08thrown somewhere.

01:01:09You see it

01:01:09by the side

01:01:10of the road,

01:01:10it looks like

01:01:11a mob hit.

01:01:12Car slows down,

01:01:13the door opens,

01:01:14and this tree

01:01:14just rolls out.

01:01:18People snap out of

01:01:19that Christmas

01:01:19spirit like it

01:01:20was a drunken

01:01:21stupor.

01:01:22They just

01:01:22wake up one

01:01:23morning and go,

01:01:23oh my god,

01:01:24there's a tree

01:01:25inside the house.

01:01:27Just throw it

01:01:28anywhere.

01:01:31Tennis is the

01:01:32only sport where

01:01:33the uniform is

01:01:34what you would

01:01:34wear under your

01:01:35clothes in any

01:01:36other sport.

01:01:37You're actually

01:01:37out there in your

01:01:38underwear.

01:01:39Less than the

01:01:40old days,

01:01:40you know,

01:01:41they would wear

01:01:41those long

01:01:41pants and the

01:01:42big heavy

01:01:43sweaters.

01:01:44How long

01:01:44did it take

01:01:44them to get

01:01:44over that?

01:01:45We're out here

01:01:46in the hot sun

01:01:47running around

01:01:47after a ball.

01:01:48What exactly are

01:01:49we all dressed

01:01:49up for?

01:01:52Maybe that's

01:01:52why they started

01:01:53keeping score

01:01:53like that.

01:01:54Point, you know

01:01:54what, make it

01:01:5515.

01:01:56I'm dying in

01:01:57this sweater

01:01:57here.

01:01:58Another one got

01:01:59by me, take

01:02:00another 10

01:02:00points.

01:02:01Let's just get

01:02:01this over with.

01:02:04Loyalty to

01:02:04any one sports

01:02:05team is pretty

01:02:06hard to justify

01:02:07because the

01:02:08players are always

01:02:08changing, the

01:02:09team can move

01:02:09to another city.

01:02:10You're actually

01:02:11rooting for the

01:02:11clothes when you

01:02:12get right down to

01:02:13it.

01:02:14You know what

01:02:14You are standing

01:02:15and cheering and

01:02:16yelling for your

01:02:17clothes to beat

01:02:18the clothes from

01:02:19the city.

01:02:20Fans will be so

01:02:21in love with a

01:02:22player, but if he

01:02:22goes to another

01:02:23team, they boo

01:02:24him.

01:02:25This is the same

01:02:26human being in a

01:02:27different shirt.

01:02:28They hate him

01:02:28now.

01:02:29Boo!

01:02:31Different shirt!

01:02:33Boo!

01:02:36The big new

01:02:37accessory with

01:02:37eyeglasses seems

01:02:39to be that strap

01:02:39that connects in

01:02:40the back so you

01:02:41can take them on

01:02:42and off, which I

01:02:42don't get because

01:02:43I thought if you

01:02:44have glasses, isn't

01:02:45that because you

01:02:46need to wear

01:02:47glasses?

01:02:49You need glasses,

01:02:50isn't that what

01:02:50they say?

01:02:51I mean, an eye

01:02:51doctor doesn't say,

01:02:52would you care for

01:02:53some glasses?

01:02:56When people have

01:02:57crutches, they don't

01:02:58have like a little

01:02:58chain attached to

01:02:59their belt so they

01:03:00could just let go of

01:03:01them every now and

01:03:02then.

01:03:04Why not get a toupee

01:03:05with a rubber band

01:03:05thing?

01:03:10The whole concept of

01:03:11the wanted poster is

01:03:12got to be the most

01:03:13wildly optimistic

01:03:14crime-fighting idea.

01:03:16I mean, so how does

01:03:17it work?

01:03:17Okay, I'm online at

01:03:18the post office.

01:03:19I see the guy.

01:03:20I see the list of

01:03:21offenses.

01:03:22I check the guy

01:03:23standing in line

01:03:23behind me.

01:03:24If it's not him,

01:03:26that's pretty much

01:03:27all I can do.

01:03:29Okay?

01:03:30It's not that I

01:03:31don't want to help.

01:03:33You know, the

01:03:34annoying thing is

01:03:34you think, why

01:03:35didn't they hold

01:03:35on to this guy when

01:03:36they're taking his

01:03:36picture?

01:03:38No, we don't do it

01:03:39that way.

01:03:39We take their

01:03:39picture and we let

01:03:40him go.

01:03:42So we get the

01:03:42front and side

01:03:43shot.

01:03:44The front is his

01:03:45face, the side is

01:03:46him leaving.

01:03:50Now, I was

01:03:51thinking the other

01:03:51day about hair and

01:03:53that the weird thing

01:03:54about it is that

01:03:55people will touch

01:03:57other people's hair.

01:03:58You will actually

01:03:58kiss another human

01:03:59being right on the

01:04:01head.

01:04:01But if one of

01:04:02those hairs should

01:04:04somehow be able to

01:04:05get out of that

01:04:06skull and go off

01:04:07on its own, it is

01:04:09now the vilest,

01:04:10most disgusting

01:04:11thing that you

01:04:13can encounter.

01:04:15The same hair.

01:04:16People freak out

01:04:17and say,

01:04:17there's a hair

01:04:18in the ex-cellular.

01:04:22Remember a few

01:04:23years ago in New

01:04:24York, we had the

01:04:24doorman strike.

01:04:25They have a union

01:04:26in the fancy

01:04:27buildings and they

01:04:28went out on strike.

01:04:29Now, you would

01:04:29think if any group

01:04:30of people would

01:04:31not want to

01:04:31demonstrate what

01:04:32life would be like

01:04:33without them, it

01:04:35would be doorman.

01:04:36Let's see how they

01:04:37do without us.

01:04:40There's no doorman.

01:04:41People open the

01:04:41door, they walk in.

01:04:42You know, who's

01:04:44going to walk out

01:04:45next?

01:04:45You know, the guys

01:04:46that clean your

01:04:47windshield at the

01:04:47traffic light with

01:04:48the dirty rag?

01:04:50We demand shorter

01:04:51yellows and longer

01:04:52reds.

01:04:55Buying shoes is one

01:04:56of the great

01:04:57shopping challenges.

01:04:58Ever see someone put

01:04:59on a new pair of

01:05:00shoes?

01:05:00They turn into a

01:05:00zombie as soon as

01:05:01they start walking

01:05:02around the store.

01:05:06Yeah, these are

01:05:07pretty good.

01:05:11Then they have that

01:05:11little one-foot-high

01:05:12mirror there.

01:05:13What is that about?

01:05:14So I can see what

01:05:15cats will think of

01:05:15my shoes?

01:05:17What is that angle?

01:05:19Bum passed out on

01:05:20the curb?

01:05:20Hey, what do you

01:05:21think of these?

01:05:23I just got them.

01:05:24I've seen them from

01:05:25that angle myself.

01:05:28You know, these pest

01:05:29control companies,

01:05:30they call themselves

01:05:31exterminators, but

01:05:32they can't really do

01:05:33it.

01:05:33The best they can do

01:05:34is get the bugs to

01:05:35go to somebody else's

01:05:36house.

01:05:38Just relocate them.

01:05:39You know what I mean?

01:05:39They're bug realtors

01:05:41is what they are.

01:05:43I think you'll be

01:05:43happy here.

01:05:44There's a lot of

01:05:44crumbs, not much

01:05:45light.

01:05:47They usually sleep

01:05:48through the night,

01:05:48so you'll really have

01:05:49your run of the

01:05:49place most of the

01:05:50time.

01:05:51Nobody really cares

01:05:52about killing

01:05:52insects.

01:05:53Even the animal

01:05:53rights people don't

01:05:54care.

01:05:54You could probably

01:05:55walk into an

01:05:56animal rights

01:05:56organization meeting

01:05:57and hear a speech

01:05:58like, the only way

01:05:59to stop the cruelty

01:06:00of the scientific

01:06:01testing on animals

01:06:04is to boycott

01:06:06these companies.

01:06:08The worst part

01:06:08about a car

01:06:09breaking down

01:06:10is when you're

01:06:11out on the road,

01:06:12you're a guy

01:06:12because now

01:06:13you have to get

01:06:14out and pretend

01:06:14like you know

01:06:15what you're doing.

01:06:17You've got to get

01:06:17all right, honey.

01:06:20I'm going to go

01:06:20check it out.

01:06:23Walk around the

01:06:23front, open up

01:06:24the hood.

01:06:25That's good

01:06:26because it obscures

01:06:27her view.

01:06:27That's the main

01:06:28reason you want

01:06:28to do that.

01:06:30You're looking

01:06:30in there, you know,

01:06:31you're hoping

01:06:32you're going to see

01:06:32something in there.

01:06:33So simple, so

01:06:34obvious, so

01:06:35incredibly easy to

01:06:37fix, even you

01:06:37can handle it.

01:06:38Like a giant

01:06:39on-off switch

01:06:40turned on.

01:06:43How about the

01:06:43little scam the

01:06:44airlines have

01:06:44going now with

01:06:45these special

01:06:46clubs?

01:06:47$150 a year

01:06:48to sit in a room,

01:06:49eat peanuts,

01:06:50drink coffee and

01:06:51soda, and read

01:06:52magazines.

01:06:53Excuse me,

01:06:54isn't this the

01:06:54flight?

01:06:56I already got

01:06:57four hours of

01:06:58this coming to

01:06:58me.

01:06:59What am I

01:06:59paying for?

01:07:01How about it?

01:07:01I got all my

01:07:02luggage club.

01:07:03Can I get into

01:07:03that?

01:07:03Where is that

01:07:04club?

01:07:04I would like

01:07:05to join that

01:07:06club.

01:07:09Airlines love to

01:07:10divide us up

01:07:11into classes,

01:07:12you know, like

01:07:12when you're

01:07:12sitting in

01:07:13coats, they

01:07:13always have

01:07:13the steward

01:07:14always closes

01:07:15that stupid

01:07:15curtain, you

01:07:16know?

01:07:17They always

01:07:17give you that

01:07:17little look

01:07:18like, maybe

01:07:18if you had

01:07:19worked a

01:07:19little harder.

01:07:23Monkeys are

01:07:23really the end

01:07:24of the line in

01:07:24the pet world.

01:07:25I think when

01:07:25you're at the

01:07:26monkey level of

01:07:26pet ownership,

01:07:28have a kid.

01:07:29I mean, come

01:07:29on, I

01:07:30mean, you're

01:07:30so close.

01:07:33If you need a

01:07:33pet that can

01:07:34roller skate and

01:07:35smoke cigars, it's

01:07:36time to think

01:07:37about a family.

01:07:40Monkeys, of

01:07:40course, were the

01:07:41first astronauts

01:07:42in the 60s, which

01:07:43I'm sure made

01:07:44perfect sense in

01:07:45the monkey brain.

01:07:46I feel that is

01:07:46the next logical

01:07:47step for me,

01:07:49because I've been

01:07:50working with the

01:07:50Italian guy in

01:07:51the crank organ,

01:07:52and I think I'm

01:07:52ready to handle

01:07:53the maximum

01:07:54re-entry G-forces.

01:07:57I've never been

01:07:58any place in my

01:07:58life where there

01:07:59was absolutely

01:07:59no coffee.

01:08:00And people are

01:08:01constantly trying

01:08:01to give you coffee.

01:08:02Who's having coffee?

01:08:03Would you like

01:08:03some coffee?

01:08:03I'm going to give

01:08:03you some coffee.

01:08:06Coffee is one

01:08:06of the only

01:08:07things you can

01:08:07have that people

01:08:08continue to try

01:08:09and give it to you.

01:08:11Wages are always

01:08:12coming over.

01:08:12Can I fill it up?

01:08:13Can I warm it up?

01:08:13Can I top it off?

01:08:14It's like you

01:08:15can lift up a

01:08:15manhole cup.

01:08:16We just made

01:08:16a fresh pod.

01:08:17Would you like

01:08:17some coffee?

01:08:21This liquid

01:08:22has taken over

01:08:22humanity.

01:08:23There are coffee

01:08:23machines we

01:08:24have to call

01:08:24mister.

01:08:29coffee anyone?

01:08:30Hey that's

01:08:31mister coffee

01:08:31to you.

01:08:34It seems like

01:08:35every morning

01:08:35when you wake up

01:08:36it's like you're

01:08:36being born all

01:08:37over again.

01:08:38You ever have

01:08:38that feeling

01:08:39because you can't

01:08:39see, you can't

01:08:40talk, you're on

01:08:41your way to the

01:08:42bathroom, you're

01:08:42trying to remember

01:08:43how do I walk?

01:08:44I mean it's like

01:08:45you've never been

01:08:45alive before.

01:08:46But if any

01:08:46invention marks the

01:08:47decline of human

01:08:48civilization I think

01:08:49would have to be

01:08:50the snooze alarm.

01:08:51The snooze alarm is

01:08:52based on the idea

01:08:53that when the

01:08:53alarm goes off

01:08:54you are not

01:08:55getting up.

01:08:56You're not even

01:08:57awake, you're

01:08:57already a failure.

01:08:59They should sell

01:08:59the snooze alarm

01:09:00with an unemployment

01:09:01application and a

01:09:02bottle of tequila.

01:09:03Just make it a

01:09:04complete pathetic

01:09:05loser kit.

01:09:08I always feel bad

01:09:09for the silver

01:09:11medal winner

01:09:11in the Olympics.

01:09:12I mean how do you

01:09:13live with that

01:09:13the rest of your

01:09:14life?

01:09:15People are going

01:09:15to keep asking

01:09:16you how much

01:09:16did you lose by

01:09:17I don't even know.

01:09:19It was like

01:09:19no no no

01:09:20like no no

01:09:20no no

01:09:21like no no

01:09:22no no

01:09:22that was it

01:09:25that was it

01:09:26I trained, I

01:09:27worked out, I

01:09:28exercised, I

01:09:28did everything, I

01:09:29was doing push

01:09:29up, sit ups, I

01:09:30never did anything

01:09:30but exercise and

01:09:31workout for 20

01:09:32years, I flew

01:09:32halfway around

01:09:33the world

01:09:33and that was

01:09:37it was a photo

01:09:39finish

01:09:41silver, gold

01:09:44if I had a

01:09:45pimple, I

01:09:45would have

01:09:45won.

01:09:49Yes, I'm a

01:09:49very lazy eater

01:09:51that's why I

01:09:52like soup

01:09:52first of all

01:09:53it looks half

01:09:53digested when

01:09:54they put it

01:09:54down in front

01:09:55of you

01:09:55so you feel

01:09:56like half the

01:09:56work is done

01:09:57already

01:09:57I'm hoping

01:09:58Campbell's comes

01:09:59out with like

01:09:59an IV line

01:10:00of soup

01:10:00that you

01:10:01could just

01:10:01jam right

01:10:01into your

01:10:02arm

01:10:02you know

01:10:03Campbell's

01:10:04tomato

01:10:04intravenous

01:10:06mainline

01:10:06gumbo

01:10:08everyone just

01:10:08sitting around

01:10:09at dinner

01:10:09with their

01:10:10soup

01:10:10IV just

01:10:11hanging on

01:10:11the hook

01:10:11there

01:10:12you know

01:10:15how's yours

01:10:16grandpa

01:10:17oh

01:10:18chunky stuff

01:10:21you really

01:10:22got to

01:10:22train to

01:10:22use that

01:10:22cash machine

01:10:23now

01:10:23don't they

01:10:23we're just

01:10:24like chickens

01:10:25in an

01:10:25experiment

01:10:25waiting for

01:10:26that pellet

01:10:26to come

01:10:26down the

01:10:27shoe

01:10:28you see

01:10:28people at

01:10:29the

01:10:29cash

01:10:29machine

01:10:29they're

01:10:29just

01:10:30there

01:10:34waiting for

01:10:35the sound

01:10:35you know

01:10:35the sound

01:10:36you're waiting

01:10:36for the sound

01:10:38that's what

01:10:38we're trained

01:10:39to hear

01:10:39the here

01:10:40comes the

01:10:40money

01:10:40sound

01:10:40you know

01:10:44it's

01:10:45exciting

01:10:45you get

01:10:45excited

01:10:48it's

01:10:49coming

01:10:49it's

01:10:49coming

01:10:55I'd like

01:10:56to know

01:10:56when tic-tac-toe

01:10:57became the

01:10:57pound sign

01:10:58that's what

01:10:58I'd like

01:10:58to know

01:10:59why don't

01:10:59they call it

01:11:00what it

01:11:00really is

01:11:00leave you

01:11:01a numeric

01:11:01message

01:11:01now

01:11:02and then

01:11:02press

01:11:03Archie's

01:11:03head

01:11:05and what

01:11:05is that

01:11:06redial

01:11:06button

01:11:07let's face

01:11:08you're

01:11:08either

01:11:08going to

01:11:08get the

01:11:08person

01:11:09the

01:11:09machine

01:11:09or

01:11:10they

01:11:10have

01:11:10call

01:11:10waiting

01:11:10who

01:11:11is

01:11:11redialing

01:11:11and

01:11:12redialing

01:11:13this is

01:11:13like the

01:11:13harassment

01:11:14key

01:11:14for people

01:11:14in a

01:11:15fight

01:11:15you know

01:11:16hey

01:11:16I'm not

01:11:17through

01:11:17click

01:11:19you can't

01:11:20do that

01:11:20to me

01:11:20click

01:11:21and another

01:11:22thing

01:11:22click

01:11:25people can

01:11:26be so

01:11:26vain

01:11:26don't you

01:11:27know

01:11:28I have

01:11:29a friend

01:11:29wears

01:11:29eyeglasses

01:11:30no prescription

01:11:31in the

01:11:31glasses

01:11:31because he

01:11:32thinks it

01:11:32makes him

01:11:32look more

01:11:33intelligent

01:11:33now

01:11:33why

01:11:34do we

01:11:35think

01:11:35that

01:11:36glasses

01:11:36makes us

01:11:37look more

01:11:37intelligent

01:11:38is it

01:11:39from the

01:11:39endless

01:11:39hours of

01:11:40reading

01:11:40and studying

01:11:41and researching

01:11:41that this

01:11:42person

01:11:42supposedly

01:11:42blew out

01:11:43their

01:11:43eyeballs

01:11:44and that's

01:11:45why they

01:11:45need the

01:11:46glasses

01:11:48it's just

01:11:48a corrective

01:11:49device

01:11:49if you see

01:11:50someone with

01:11:50a hearing

01:11:50aid

01:11:50you don't

01:11:51think

01:11:51oh they

01:11:51must have

01:11:51been listening

01:11:52real good

01:11:53yeah to a lot

01:11:54of important

01:11:55stuff

01:11:55no they are

01:11:56deaf

01:11:58they can't

01:11:59hear

01:12:01I think gum

01:12:02is one of

01:12:03the weirdest

01:12:04human inventions

01:12:05it's not a

01:12:05liquid

01:12:05it's not a

01:12:06solid

01:12:07it's not a

01:12:07food

01:12:08what is it

01:12:09it isn't

01:12:10really anything

01:12:10you know

01:12:11I mean

01:12:12it's like a

01:12:13stationary bike

01:12:13for your job

01:12:15but remember

01:12:15when you were

01:12:16in school

01:12:16and teachers

01:12:17would get all

01:12:18riled up

01:12:18if they caught

01:12:19you with gum

01:12:19and when you

01:12:20were a kid

01:12:20you'd think

01:12:21what is the

01:12:21good deal

01:12:22but as an

01:12:23adult I can

01:12:23understand it

01:12:24because when

01:12:24you're chewing

01:12:24gum

01:12:25you don't

01:12:26look like

01:12:26you're too

01:12:26thrilled with

01:12:27anything

01:12:27anybody has

01:12:27to say

01:12:28oh world war

01:12:29ii that

01:12:29was an

01:12:29important

01:12:30historical

01:12:30event

01:12:30yeah

01:12:31I'm sure

01:12:37they landed

01:12:38a man on

01:12:38the moon

01:12:39in 1969

01:12:39yeah

01:12:40right

01:12:42yeah I

01:12:43buy that

01:12:43teach

01:12:46I don't

01:12:46know why

01:12:47people are

01:12:47surprised

01:12:47when someone

01:12:48gets hit

01:12:49in the head

01:12:49with a

01:12:50golf ball

01:12:50you ever

01:12:51watch these

01:12:52tournaments

01:12:52on tv

01:12:53you got

01:12:53600 people

01:12:54crowding

01:12:55around

01:12:55a hole

01:12:55that big

01:12:56and no one

01:12:57can believe

01:12:57it

01:12:57when a

01:12:58titleist

01:12:58gets bounced

01:12:58off of

01:12:59someone's

01:12:59coconut

01:13:00you know

01:13:01you throw

01:13:01a rock

01:13:01into a crowd

01:13:02that's considered

01:13:03terrorism

01:13:04but if you have

01:13:05a nice follow

01:13:05through

01:13:06you know

01:13:07that's golf

01:13:09I'm always

01:13:10impressed actually

01:13:10with the golf

01:13:11cameraman

01:13:11whose job

01:13:12it is

01:13:13to follow

01:13:14the golf

01:13:14ball

01:13:15when it's

01:13:15in the sky

01:13:15you know

01:13:16it's a little

01:13:16white ball

01:13:17it's doing

01:13:17100 miles

01:13:17an hour

01:13:18on a white

01:13:18background

01:13:18I got it

01:13:19I lost

01:13:19it

01:13:19I got it

01:13:20I lost

01:13:20it

01:13:21why bother

01:13:22aim the camera

01:13:23at the sky

01:13:23aiming at the ground

01:13:24take a ball

01:13:25out of your pocket

01:13:25throw it down

01:13:26who's gonna know

01:13:27where the hell

01:13:27it came from

01:13:30I love it

01:13:30when people

01:13:31are complimented

01:13:32on something

01:13:33they're wearing

01:13:33and they accept

01:13:34the compliment

01:13:35as if it was

01:13:35about them

01:13:36nice tie

01:13:37well thank you

01:13:37thank you very much

01:13:39if the compliment

01:13:40is for the tie

01:13:41it's not for you

01:13:43but we take it

01:13:44and that's kind of

01:13:45the job of clothes

01:13:46to get compliments

01:13:47for us

01:13:48because it's very hard

01:13:50to get compliments

01:13:50based on your

01:13:51human qualities

01:13:53right

01:13:54let's face it

01:13:54no matter how

01:13:55nice a person

01:13:55you are

01:13:56nobody's gonna

01:13:56come say

01:13:57hey nice person

01:13:59it's much easier

01:14:00to be a bastard

01:14:01and just try

01:14:01and match

01:14:02the colors up

01:14:05old people

01:14:06in Florida

01:14:06they drive slow

01:14:07and they sit low

01:14:10right

01:14:11that is their motto

01:14:14the state flag

01:14:15of Florida

01:14:16should be like

01:14:17a steering wheel

01:14:18with a hat

01:14:18and two knuckles

01:14:19on it

01:14:25and that left turn

01:14:26signal on

01:14:27from when they

01:14:27left the house

01:14:28that morning

01:14:30right

01:14:30that's a legal

01:14:31term in Florida

01:14:33it's known

01:14:34as an eventual

01:14:35left

01:14:37and old people

01:14:39get to a certain

01:14:40age where

01:14:40when they back

01:14:41out of the driveway

01:14:42they don't look

01:14:44you know what I mean

01:14:45they just feel like

01:14:47well I'm old

01:14:48and I'm coming back

01:14:50I survived

01:14:51let's see if you can

01:14:54you get to a certain

01:14:55point with your parents

01:14:56where really the only

01:14:57thing you can do

01:14:57with them

01:14:58is eat

01:14:59you can't talk anymore

01:15:00but you want to at least

01:15:01try and keep your

01:15:02mouths moving

01:15:04and they're so anxious

01:15:05for it

01:15:05you know you come in

01:15:06how was the plane

01:15:07you must be hungry

01:15:08how did you sleep

01:15:09are you ready for breakfast

01:15:10my mother will argue

01:15:12with me

01:15:12about what I like

01:15:13can I have a piece

01:15:14of pumpkin pie

01:15:15you don't like pumpkin pie

01:15:17yes I do

01:15:18since when

01:15:19what's the difference

01:15:20can I have it

01:15:21no

01:15:21I have never seen you

01:15:22eat a piece of pumpkin pie

01:15:26and the pilot always

01:15:27comes on with his

01:15:27little announcements

01:15:28I'm going over this

01:15:29I'm going over that

01:15:30I'm taking a left

01:15:31I'm bringing it up

01:15:32I'm taking it down

01:15:33I'm going right

01:15:34I'm going this way

01:15:35I'm going that way

01:15:36and we're back there

01:15:37yeah that's all fine

01:15:41just do whatever

01:15:42the hell you gotta do

01:15:42I don't know

01:15:43what the hell is going on

01:15:46do I bother him

01:15:47do I go knocking

01:15:47on the cockpit door

01:15:48I'm having the peanuts now

01:15:52just thought

01:15:53you might like to know

01:15:54what we're doing

01:15:58the other thing I love

01:15:59is when you're in the middle

01:16:00of a dream

01:16:00and your alarm goes off

01:16:02you incorporate the sound

01:16:03of the alarm

01:16:04into the dream

01:16:05so you can keep sleeping

01:16:07and you'll make any adjustment

01:16:09in the dream

01:16:09to do it

01:16:10I was with Marie Antoinette

01:16:12in a dream last night

01:16:13and she was on the guillotine

01:16:15the blade came down

01:16:16her head fell into the basket

01:16:17it rolled over

01:16:18and she started singing

01:16:19Neil Diamond's

01:16:19Solitary Man

01:16:23and I thought

01:16:24that is not my alarm

01:16:26going off

01:16:26this is actually happening

01:16:30I was thinking about

01:16:31the wig historically

01:16:32I guess the revolutionary war

01:16:33was the last war

01:16:35fought in wigs

01:16:36and it seems like

01:16:37that must have been hard

01:16:37you know

01:16:38they're going into battle

01:16:39you think well

01:16:39do I have my bullets

01:16:40do I have my bobby pins

01:16:42you know you've got to

01:16:43make sure you have everything

01:16:44a lot more to worry about

01:16:45what if I get killed

01:16:46is my wig on straight

01:16:49I don't know when

01:16:50the whole wig thing

01:16:51came into style

01:16:52for a man

01:16:53but I know when it went out

01:16:54when the mirror

01:16:55was invented

01:16:57old guy is looking

01:16:58in a mirror

01:16:59powdering a thatch

01:17:00of horse hair

01:17:01on his head

01:17:02going

01:17:03alright

01:17:03let's go rap

01:17:04to the lady

01:17:07have you noticed

01:17:08that every little place

01:17:09you go into

01:17:09lately has that

01:17:10tip jar

01:17:11on the counter

01:17:12what is the service

01:17:13that this tip

01:17:14is for

01:17:14anyway

01:17:15I mean isn't the man

01:17:16basically just

01:17:17turning around

01:17:19isn't that really

01:17:19all it is

01:17:20I think we're tipping

01:17:22people now

01:17:22just for the absence

01:17:24of outright hostility

01:17:26thanks very much

01:17:27and here's a little

01:17:27something extra

01:17:28for not taking my head

01:17:29and smashing my face

01:17:31through the glass

01:17:31countertop

01:17:32really good service

01:17:33here

01:17:34alright let me get

01:17:37your car back

01:17:37from the car place

01:17:38and it's got that

01:17:39paper mat

01:17:40on the floor

01:17:41like they're so

01:17:42obsessed with

01:17:43cleanliness

01:17:44they don't even want

01:17:45their shoes

01:17:45to touch the carpet

01:17:47meanwhile the mechanic

01:17:48comes out

01:17:48he looks like

01:17:49Al Jolson

01:17:50he's covered in goo

01:17:50from head to toe

01:17:52you can't even see him

01:17:54although I prefer that

01:17:55to when they have

01:17:55the lab coat

01:17:56the clipboard

01:17:56and the nice glasses

01:17:57now you know

01:17:57you're getting screwed

01:18:00can I see it

01:18:01you better not

01:18:01it's idling quietly

01:18:02right now

01:18:04I think it should

01:18:05stay overnight

01:18:05we want to keep

01:18:06an eye on it

01:18:07we want to keep

01:18:07the bill running up

01:18:10the whole concept

01:18:11of being separated

01:18:11to me is strange

01:18:13it's like you're

01:18:13engaged

01:18:14to be divorced

01:18:16we're going to

01:18:16try and make

01:18:17not being together

01:18:18worse

01:18:19first we were

01:18:20separated

01:18:20then we met

01:18:21and then we were

01:18:21together

01:18:22now we're going

01:18:22to try and be

01:18:23separated again

01:18:24we think actually

01:18:25some sort of

01:18:25giant rubber band

01:18:26might be the best

01:18:27solution

01:18:28of course when you

01:18:29were a kid in school

01:18:30you get separated

01:18:30for having too

01:18:31good a time

01:18:32if you two kids

01:18:33don't stop laughing

01:18:34and having fun

01:18:35I'm going to have

01:18:36to separate you

01:18:38then the kid

01:18:38finds out

01:18:39his parents

01:18:39are breaking up

01:18:40and he thinks

01:18:40it's because

01:18:41they got caught

01:18:41fooling around

01:18:42which is probably

01:18:43true

01:18:46I think if the

01:18:47wedding invitations

01:18:47were left up

01:18:48to the men

01:18:48we'd just drive

01:18:50around sticking

01:18:50flyers and

01:18:51windshields

01:18:51you know

01:18:54not even

01:18:55typed up

01:18:56either

01:18:56just magic

01:18:57markers

01:18:57Xerox

01:18:58you know

01:18:58party

01:19:03what's needed

01:19:03is a divorce

01:19:04announcement

01:19:05Mr. and Mrs. Fred Johnson

01:19:07I request the honor

01:19:07of your presence

01:19:08at the returning

01:19:09of their daughter

01:19:11back to Mr. and Mrs. Fred Johnson

01:19:16it seems like

01:19:16whenever these

01:19:17office people

01:19:18call you in

01:19:18for a meeting

01:19:19the whole thing

01:19:19is about

01:19:20the sitting down

01:19:21I would really like

01:19:22to sit down

01:19:23with you

01:19:24I think we need

01:19:25to sit down

01:19:26and talk

01:19:26why don't you come in

01:19:27and we'll sit down

01:19:29because sometimes

01:19:29the sitting down

01:19:30doesn't work

01:19:30people get mad

01:19:31at the sitting

01:19:32you know

01:19:32we've been sitting here

01:19:33for I don't know

01:19:34how long

01:19:35how much long

01:19:36are we just

01:19:36going to sit here

01:19:38I'll tell you

01:19:39what I think

01:19:39we should do

01:19:40I think we should

01:19:41all sleep on it

01:19:43maybe we're not

01:19:44getting down

01:19:44low enough

01:19:46maybe if we all

01:19:47lie down

01:19:47then our brains

01:19:48will work

01:20:33we'll let you

Category

Transcript

Comments

Recommended