- 2 days ago
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00:00:02Tonight, honoured friends, we are gathered to celebrate a great victory, and to mourn a great loss.
00:00:11A toast to our triumph, our triumph, and I raise our royal cast upon the man who slew Richard, our
00:00:22noble king.
00:00:23It was him.
00:00:26Oh my god!
00:00:28Quiet at the end there!
00:00:30Whoever it was!
00:00:31It was him, Edna!
00:00:32Wherever he be!
00:00:33He's down there at the end!
00:00:35He shall be struck down!
00:00:37Well then get on with it, you stupid oaf! He's there!
00:00:39It wasn't me!
00:00:40Who said that?
00:00:41The English were given me this afternoon!
00:00:44I didn't!
00:00:45Well then, who did?
00:00:46It was actually Edmund who interrupted, sire.
00:00:48Hang the little slug!
00:00:50I will have silence!
00:00:56Another toast!
00:00:57To dead King Richard.
00:01:00Oh, my God!
00:01:03Thank you, sir!
00:01:05Thank you all!
00:01:07Thank you very much for nothing!
00:01:09Thank you so much!
00:01:11That's the last you'll be seeing of me!
00:01:13Not that you'll see much of me in any kind of way!
00:01:18Now that we have silence, we shall continue with the ceremony of desecration!
00:01:25Produce the portrait of the pretender, Henry Tudor!
00:01:37Oh, my God!
00:01:39Oh!
00:01:49Good evening.
00:01:51Where's Henry Tudor?
00:01:58Where is he?
00:02:00Where is he?
00:02:18Thank you, sir.
00:02:19Thank you, sir, thank you.
00:02:19Thank you, sir.
00:02:49Hail!
00:02:50Hail!
00:02:51Hail!
00:02:51Ruler of men!
00:02:53Ravisher of women!
00:02:55Slayer of kings!
00:02:57Be gone, hideous crows!
00:03:00Be not amazed!
00:03:02Be not overcome with fear!
00:03:04Be not paralyzed with terror!
00:03:08Why have you lured me here, you loathsome drabs?
00:03:12We bear good news.
00:03:14What news could such repulsive harbingers convey
00:03:18Today has brought me scorching!
00:03:22But one day, oh, glorious day!
00:03:26One day, oh, happy day!
00:03:32Yes?
00:03:34You shall be came!
00:03:39Yes!
00:03:41Your majesty!
00:03:44Well, that is good news, isn't it?
00:03:47God be with you, you snaggletoothed vultures!
00:03:53History!
00:03:54History!
00:03:54Here I come!
00:03:55God, I don't believe it!
00:03:58We've only got one act, and she's shaved her beard off!
00:04:03There's always the eunuchs, my lord!
00:04:04Oh, yes, sir!
00:04:06The eunuchs and the amazing beardless woman!
00:04:10There must be someone else!
00:04:12There must be!
00:04:12Look!
00:04:13There's the jumping Jews of Jerusalem, my lord!
00:04:16What do they do?
00:04:17They jump, my lord!
00:04:20They come in, my lord, and they jump!
00:04:23A lot!
00:04:24It's a humorous act!
00:04:25There must be something else, surely!
00:04:28Ah, what's this?
00:04:29The death of the pharaoh!
00:04:32Sir Dominic Prick, in his magnificent school in Michel Roonies, performed the tragic ancient
00:04:38Egyptian masterpiece, The Death of the Pharaoh!
00:04:41Well, that sounds funny!
00:04:42Oh, no, no, no!
00:04:43I found that very moving, my lord!
00:04:45Well, it better be funny, or Prick will get his comeuppance, I can tell you!
00:04:48Get up!
00:04:48Well, look!
00:04:49What about Jerry Meriwether and his four chickens?
00:04:52What do they do?
00:04:53Lay eggs?
00:04:54Yes, sir!
00:04:56All right, all right!
00:04:57We'll have them, we'll have them!
00:05:11What, what is it, Mum?
00:05:14The eunuchs!
00:05:18Oh, dear!
00:05:19Ha!
00:05:19I should have known!
00:05:20Never trust a eunuch!
00:05:21Well, what are we gonna do?
00:05:22Well, I know what I'm gonna do!
00:05:23Bullock, give me an execution order!
00:05:26I'm gonna teach them a lesson they'll never forget!
00:05:29And remove whatever extraneous parts of their body still remain!
00:05:35My lord!
00:05:36Take that to the Lord Chancellor!
00:05:37Thank you!
00:05:39Oh, God!
00:05:40This is desperate!
00:05:41Desperate!
00:05:42We could have the Morris dances, my lord!
00:05:44Now, look!
00:05:45We are not that desperate!
00:05:48Morris dancing is the most fatuous, tenth-weight entertainment ever devised by man!
00:05:54Forty effeminate blacksmiths waving bits of cloth they've just wiped their noses on!
00:05:59How it's still going on in this day and age, I'll never know!
00:06:03Sorry, so do you want them or not?
00:06:07Ah!
00:06:08Ah!
00:06:11Ah!
00:06:11Ah!
00:06:12Ah!
00:06:12Edmund!
00:06:16And Rex, gross men!
00:06:18And how are the rest of the entertainments coming along?
00:06:21Oh, um, very, very well indeed!
00:06:23Um, I think it's going to have a slightly Spartan look!
00:06:28What?
00:06:28Greek?
00:06:29Ah!
00:06:30Yes, that's right!
00:06:31Yes, a Greek!
00:06:32Oh, good!
00:06:33Uh, everyone, uh, turning up?
00:06:35Oh, absolutely everyone!
00:06:36Um, so many people, in fact!
00:06:38I'm afraid I've had to let the eunuchs go!
00:06:41Oh!
00:06:42No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
00:06:44No?
00:06:44No!
00:06:45That won't do at all!
00:06:47Not on St Leonard's Day!
00:06:49Because, well, correct me if I'm wrong, Lord Percy,
00:06:51but, uh, St Leonard himself was an eunuch!
00:06:57Y-yes, that's right!
00:07:03Well, that's why I thought it might be more tactful!
00:07:07Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
00:07:08To leave out the eunuchs on St Leonard's Day would be like,
00:07:11well, it would be like leaving out the Morris dancers
00:07:13or the bearded women!
00:07:17Besides, Lord Dougal McAngus, the King's Supreme Commander,
00:07:21is expected at the feast!
00:07:22And, as you know, eunuchs are his particular favourite!
00:07:27Hmm?
00:07:28Well, Scottish, you see!
00:07:30Ah!
00:07:32Good, good!
00:07:33Well, I'm relying on you, Edmund!
00:07:35Carry on!
00:07:45No, really, no, no!
00:07:48Apparently, Lord Wilders is keeping his sheep in his bedroom,
00:07:51but nothing on the appointment now!
00:07:53Ah!
00:07:53Fair enough!
00:08:01You're dressed like this, Edmund!
00:08:03Like what, sorry?
00:08:05Well, this enormous nonsense here!
00:08:10Fingers crossed!
00:08:15Members of the court and clergy, I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord God,
00:08:25his son, Jesus Christ, and his insubstantial friend, the Holy Ghost,
00:08:31decided upon the next Archbishop!
00:08:36May he last longer in his post than his predecessors!
00:08:42Ha!
00:08:43Fat chance!
00:08:43Ha!
00:08:45I appoint to the Holy See of Canterbury...
00:08:49...my own son, Edwin Duke Amen bereits!
00:08:58Ha!
00:08:59Ha!
00:09:00Ha!
00:09:01Ha!
00:09:03Ha!
00:09:04Ha!
00:09:04Ha!
00:09:05Ha!
00:09:10Ha!
00:09:23very good well done well done Harry enter your majesty ah my lord archbishop there
00:09:36were just a couple of points I've always despised you well you are my father of
00:09:54course you're biased compared to your beloved brother Harry are as excrement is
00:10:03compared to cream oh my lord you flatter me and me also so now my boy when I've at last
00:10:11found a use
00:10:12for you don't try to get out of it oh no no no no no certainly not I just wondered
00:10:17whether perhaps
00:10:18another man um equally weak-willed and feeble might do just as well ha there's no such man
00:10:26oh no no of course silly me uh I thought though perhaps you know someone who believed in God no
00:10:34no
00:10:35no no no no no if I needed someone who believed in God I'd have chosen Harry not an embarrassing
00:10:42little
00:10:43weed like you oh well I think that's everything cleared up goodness it must be almost time to
00:10:50read the song must be going egg bird come here
00:11:09a word of advice if you cross me now or ever I shall do unto you what God did unto
00:11:19the Sodom
00:11:20oh my lord I don't think that's a very good idea you understand well I shall make myself available for
00:11:26all
00:11:29eventualities thank you so much sorry I didn't I didn't quite catch your names George de Barth how do you
00:11:43do
00:11:44just in the boy now uh two drunken knights first return from the crusades and here on a mission for
00:11:51good King Richard God bless oh yes and your mission well as I said we're here to kill a bit
00:11:59of time
00:12:01before our next crusade oh right yes well I'll I'll just go and get him
00:12:09ah Baldrick uh a couple of knights here to see uh the archbishop oh my god
00:12:18monks
00:12:24it's the one about the nuns of Uppingham and the candelabra don't bother I've heard it no the fact
00:12:29is uh there's two men outside who've come to kill you
00:12:36what I'm sorry I'm totally sorry about this I'll I'll just see what the delay is
00:12:44what's going on these two men have come to kill us oh come on honestly Baldrick just because a couple
00:12:49of people have a bit of breeding you assume they're bound to be mindless killers oh my god there's no
00:12:55way
00:12:56out help oh my god help us
00:13:15they've dropped off
00:13:27damn they must have gone down the secret passage to the nunnery
00:13:43little sisters of indolence three men came in which way did they go
00:13:47oh I think they went that way god bless you
00:13:54wait
00:13:58they'll be watching out for a stress like this quick in here
00:14:16pray sister have you seen two burly knights pass this way um no sister
00:14:23knows the pity
00:14:26why don't you try that way thank you very much you're welcome
00:14:39and yet mother superior does not saint paul say in the ephesians a woman is like a bat
00:14:48often heard but never seen no I don't think so sarah
00:14:53shall we check the dormitory oh yes mother superior what a good idea
00:15:06girls girls girls if I told you once I've told you a thousand times fighting in the dormitory is
00:15:13that's completely forbidden who is the ringleader here you yes you the plane girl
00:15:23oh my god it's the archbishop of canterbury
00:15:31I think I can explain
00:15:51in Spanish it means welcome to our castle I hope you find the drains to your satisfaction
00:15:57well here you are I've jotted it down for you should help you break the ice with the infanta
00:16:01oh by the way I don't think you know the countess Caroline of Luxembourg
00:16:07no how do you do young lady
00:16:09well good luck
00:16:10bienvenue à notre chateau Caroline
00:16:14Luxembourg
00:16:16my god have you ever seen anyone so obviously seething with jealousy
00:16:20no I haven't
00:16:21seethe seethe seethe if he goes on seething like that much longer
00:16:26you know they do say that the infanta's eyes are more beautiful than the famous stone of Galveston
00:16:36mmm what famous stone of Galveston my lord and what's that exactly well it's a famous blue stone
00:16:50and it comes from Galveston and what about it well my lord the infanta's eyes are bluer than it for
00:17:01a start I see and have you ever seen this stone no not as such my lord but I know
00:17:08a couple of people who have and they say it's very very blue and deep and have these
00:17:13people seen the infanta's eyes no I shouldn't think so my lord and neither have you presumably
00:17:18oh my lord so what you're telling me Percy is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue
00:17:25than something else you have never seen
00:17:31yes my lord Percy in the end you were about as much rest to me as a human head
00:17:37and fiction with which you must be familiar never actually having had a break
00:17:42hello hello here I am awaiting the arrival of the most beautiful ravishing
00:17:48hello
00:17:49hello
00:17:49leave me alone will you I'll try to talk to someone while you're wittering away like a pox ridden moorhead
00:17:56you are the true love of my life my love my love
00:18:00what
00:18:03you are the only one for me I merely want to hug and kiss you
00:18:07oh
00:18:07I am the infanta
00:18:11what no one told me you had a beard
00:18:14must be Jeremy of Estonia
00:18:15yes
00:18:15I am the infanta
00:18:18I am the infanta
00:18:18well absolutely
00:18:19what
00:18:21WHAT
00:18:23I have waited for this moment all my life
00:18:29oh
00:18:29your nose is smaller than I expected
00:18:35I will suffer no similar disappointment
00:18:45Oh
00:18:54Your lips I like
00:19:00It is the rest of your body I wish to find out more about
00:19:13Well, this is nice
00:19:18To have a little talk about a lady's face
00:19:23Just the two of us
00:19:31So tell me mrs. Queen about English man
00:19:35Oh, well, they they spend most of their time with animals, you know and with other men, but oh
00:19:42When they do come to the women, they only want one thing
00:19:47Okay, okay, and what is that?
00:19:50Well, it's a kind of pudding maybe bread and butter and raisins
00:19:55And of course the other thing
00:20:01And what is the other thing?
00:20:14Edmund what's he like
00:20:17Well, I told you this pudding
00:20:21No, no, no, no, no, no
00:20:23Now what's he like in bed
00:20:29Well in bed he likes hot milk with just
00:20:34No, no, no, no, no, no, no, what is
00:20:38He
00:20:39He
00:20:41Like
00:20:44Well, it's like a little rabbit really
00:20:50Mamma, mamma, quanto la quiero
00:20:53Oh, mamma, mamma, how much I love him
00:20:58I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this
00:21:05The most depressing night of mine
00:21:11Well, my lord, at least you can take solace from one thing
00:21:14What's that?
00:21:15I'll be pretty sure your wife's a virgin
00:21:18At least there are no living witnesses to the contrary
00:21:24If she wasn't, we might still stand a chance
00:21:27Officially, you've still got to be a virgin
00:21:29Right
00:21:32What, my lord?
00:21:36Who?
00:21:39Oh, no
00:21:41No
00:21:43No
00:21:45Yes
00:21:46Yes
00:21:47Yes
00:21:50Please, my lord
00:21:51I'd like you to reconsider
00:21:52Walbeck
00:21:53If there was any other way, you'd know I'd take it
00:21:56But I'd die in there
00:21:57Don't worry
00:21:58We'll give you a hero's funeral
00:22:00Bury you at sea
00:22:02Say you've died in combat with an enemy vessel
00:22:05Right
00:22:06There we are
00:22:07Go on in you go
00:22:09Little boy with big job to do
00:22:12Go on, Percy
00:22:14Get the king
00:22:14Come on
00:22:15Go on in you go into you go back in combat
00:22:43Down
00:22:44On
00:22:47I have two functions, to protect the good and to crush the evil.
00:22:54Watch.
00:22:58Fascinating.
00:23:00Absolutely fascinating.
00:23:02Um, actually you have crushed both eggs, you know.
00:23:06Some that seem good sometimes proveth to be evil.
00:23:11The Lord, Duke of Edinburgh.
00:23:13Ah, Edmund, come on in, come on in, the Witchmellor's arrived.
00:23:16Oh, yes.
00:23:17Old Big Nose is back, is he?
00:23:23Oh, hello.
00:23:26I'm delighted to meet you.
00:23:28Why, I'm one of your greatest admirers.
00:23:31Old Big Nose is back?
00:23:33Yes, Old Big Nose is back. He's in a terrible state, I was talking to him just now.
00:23:40He's a great admirer of yours as well.
00:23:42Who's this?
00:23:43Oh, Old Big Nose.
00:23:45In fact, I was just hearing about your work in Taunton.
00:23:49Imagine that.
00:23:50Every single person in the village having an affair with the same duck.
00:23:54The duck of Taunton was a tragic circumstance.
00:23:57And I hear you very kindly burnt our mistress Scott for us.
00:24:02Oh, yes.
00:24:03And her pussycat.
00:24:05Ah, but have you found the chief witch yet?
00:24:10I feel I may be very close.
00:24:12Oh, get the kindling ready.
00:24:15Make sure that steak is well done.
00:24:18Witchmen are my dear.
00:24:19If you do happen to come across someone who's a bit, you know, witchy, how do you prove him guilty?
00:24:25By trial or by ordeal.
00:24:28Ah.
00:24:28The ordeal by water?
00:24:30No, by axe.
00:24:31Oh.
00:24:31The suspected witch has his head placed upon a block and an axe aimed at his neck.
00:24:36If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck, so we burn him.
00:24:40If he is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off.
00:24:46What a very fair test that is.
00:24:48Would you like to attempt a less violent test yourself, Your Highness, by way of demonstration?
00:24:55How much less violent?
00:24:58Well, I place before the suspect a dagger and a crucifix.
00:25:02Oh, how interesting.
00:25:03The suspect is blindfolded.
00:25:05If he picks up the dagger from the table, he is Satan's bedfellow.
00:25:08Yes, Edmund.
00:25:09I think you should do it.
00:25:10At least take yourself out of the running.
00:25:13What?
00:25:13I haven't seen your broomstick recently, Your Highness.
00:25:16Oh, very good, Father.
00:25:17Very good.
00:25:18I'm not so sure about all this, you know.
00:25:20Oh, come on.
00:25:21Yes.
00:25:22You will all notice how it has suddenly become much darker.
00:25:26Yes.
00:25:28Choose!
00:25:30There we are.
00:25:32Prince Edmund the witch!
00:25:33How the devil did that happen?
00:25:35You see, my lord, as I thought, this is the source of evil in your kingdom.
00:25:38This is your witch.
00:25:39Behold, Lucifer's brother!
00:25:43Bound the witch!
00:25:44Yes, I'm quite sure I caught the first part of that.
00:25:47Well, my lord, if you would know the truth.
00:25:49Is that what you recommend?
00:25:50But, but, Henry, you can't let him do this.
00:25:52He is very highly thought of, you know.
00:25:55But he's a quack!
00:25:56What did you say?
00:25:58Quack, quack, quack!
00:25:59You see, my lord, how the duck of Taunton lives within him!
00:26:03Yes!
00:26:03I'm afraid so!
00:26:05Let him be tried tomorrow!
00:26:12Here comes the wife.
00:26:22Hello, Edmund.
00:26:24Hello, dear.
00:26:25You look funny.
00:26:27Yes, yes.
00:26:28I've had all my hair cut off.
00:26:30Oh, yes.
00:26:31That's it.
00:26:32Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there?
00:26:35Oh, no.
00:26:36Everyone's really look important.
00:26:38Hello, boys.
00:26:39Morning.
00:26:41I have to go to my room, which isn't fair.
00:26:44But, in fact...
00:26:46Yes, yes.
00:26:46I think I might even get a better view from the window.
00:26:51Well, I'd better be going.
00:26:56Oh, yes.
00:26:57Your mummy asked me to give you this.
00:27:00Oh, great!
00:27:01What is it?
00:27:02A knife?
00:27:03A file?
00:27:03And a small bucket of water?
00:27:06No, silly.
00:27:06It's a dolly.
00:27:11Great, great.
00:27:12It's just what we needed.
00:27:15Goodbye, Edmund.
00:27:17Goodbye, dear.
00:27:19Mother!
00:27:21Oh, bye-bye.
00:27:35I suppose, really, this must be one of the most difficult parts of the job.
00:27:39Yes.
00:27:41And for the witch, as well.
00:27:43Of course!
00:27:46My lord, I have a cunning plan.
00:27:49Oh, off Baldrick.
00:27:52I think I might be able to stall him.
00:27:55Well, Grand Bull Duke, your time has come.
00:27:58You wish to confess.
00:28:00No!
00:28:01Very well.
00:28:01Oh, sorry.
00:28:02Sorry, yes.
00:28:03Yes, I do, in fact.
00:28:05Confession!
00:28:07I...
00:28:09I should like to confess in front of God and this rather small crowd that I have occasionally
00:28:19done things wrong.
00:28:22Be more specific.
00:28:24Be more specific.
00:28:24Um, well, strayed like a lost ox.
00:28:29Sheep!
00:28:30A sheep.
00:28:31I have coveted my father's adultery.
00:28:37Get on with it!
00:28:38I...
00:28:39I have, uh, not...
00:28:41Not...
00:28:41Not honoured...
00:28:42My...
00:28:43Neighbour's...
00:28:44Ass.
00:28:45Honoured the fires!
00:28:47I'm a wick!
00:28:48I'm a wick!
00:28:48I'm a wick!
00:28:48Thank you, Rinkie!
00:28:56Oh, damn!
00:28:59I'm not even comfortable!
00:29:04Ah!
00:29:08How fast this heat travels!
00:29:11Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it?
00:29:14I feel as if I am on fire!
00:29:21I know.
00:29:21I'm rather regretting my choice of undergarments as well.
00:29:25I'm burning!
00:29:27I'm burning!
00:29:29I'm burning!
00:29:31Yes, but I think you're jolly glad of that cloak in the winter.
00:29:34I'm burning!
00:29:41I've been burning!
00:29:42Oh, my God!
00:29:44Oh, my God!
00:29:49Oh, my God!
00:29:51Oh, my God!
00:29:55No!
00:29:56Oh, my God!
00:29:58And now, my God!
00:30:01Tell me, Jack, what is your second name?
00:30:05Large Jack Large.
00:30:07Then in our band, you shall be known as Large Jack.
00:30:12Why?
00:30:14Well, because you are so little.
00:30:18Why not Little Jack, then?
00:30:20Well, because Large Jack is more amusing.
00:30:24Is it?
00:30:26Pretty well, then. Little Jack.
00:30:31Is to mock my size.
00:30:33No, no, no, no. Of course not.
00:30:35I'm in, Keeper. Some more beer.
00:30:37Hooray!
00:30:38Six Large Beers and another Large Beers.
00:30:45Let us then go on to the plan.
00:30:49A motto for our enterprise.
00:30:52Blessed are the meek, for they shall be slaughtered.
00:30:58Hooray!
00:30:58Wait, wait, wait, the plan.
00:31:00You've forgotten the plan.
00:31:02I thought that was the plan.
00:31:03Let's get those meek bastards now.
00:31:07Quiet!
00:31:09Who wants quiet?
00:31:11I want...
00:31:13Quiet!
00:31:15And slaughtered!
00:31:17And slaughtered!
00:31:19And flowers!
00:31:21What?
00:31:22Mercilessly crushed underfoot!
00:31:26Silence!
00:31:28Silence!
00:31:29Silence!
00:31:30Peace!
00:31:31Silence!
00:31:31The word of the Lord.
00:31:32For Christ's sake, let's hear the plan.
00:31:35Thanks, thanks, thanks.
00:31:36Very well.
00:31:37The plan is simple.
00:31:38I thought it was cunning!
00:31:40Don't worry, the plan!
00:31:41Well, it's cunning in its simplest.
00:31:46Tonight, I ride for home.
00:31:48I say strike now while the iron is hot.
00:31:51But the iron isn't hot.
00:31:53Isn't that?
00:31:53No, it's just, uh, warming up.
00:31:57But when it is hot, then we will strike.
00:32:00What?
00:32:01Oh, we're gonna have to wait till summer.
00:32:03No, then the iron is hot.
00:32:06What iron?
00:32:08Well, then, Hoi Howard agreed.
00:32:10I shall send for you all.
00:32:11How?
00:32:12Well, by a message, a sign.
00:32:14What sort of sign?
00:32:16Well, um, something black, probably.
00:32:20Hmm, black pudding.
00:32:22All right.
00:32:24Uh, messenger.
00:32:25With the black plague, perhaps.
00:32:28Yes, that's right.
00:32:29He means to kill us.
00:32:30What?
00:32:31A messenger with black hair.
00:32:35Ah!
00:32:37A black-headed messenger!
00:32:40And when he comes to you,
00:32:42drop whatever you are doing
00:32:44and speed with all haste to Jasper's tavern.
00:32:47I know it well.
00:32:49How is old Jasper these days?
00:32:51He's dead.
00:32:51Ow.
00:32:52I killed him.
00:32:54From there, from there,
00:32:56I shall take you to the castle
00:32:58where we will capture the king
00:33:00and the queen
00:33:01and the prince.
00:33:02Yay!
00:33:03And they shall say to them,
00:33:05the kingdom of Albion is ours.
00:33:08You are doomed to lives of exile.
00:33:11Get out!
00:33:13Get out!
00:33:14Yes, exile.
00:33:17For life.
00:33:20But why don't we just kill them?
00:33:25I suppose we could kill them.
00:33:27Hey!
00:33:29Wait till I send the sign.
00:33:32Before I get a messenger,
00:33:33we're blackheads all over each other.
00:33:36Why now?
00:33:37It isn't a trap.
00:33:39Oh, because the black adder
00:33:43gives you his word.
00:33:45We want your word,
00:33:47not this black adder, fellows.
00:33:49But I am the black adder.
00:33:58At the striking of ten bells,
00:34:01I shall claim the throne.
00:34:11Shh!
00:34:13Ha-ha!
00:34:16Ah!
00:34:18Shh!
00:34:21Oh!
00:34:22Oh!
00:34:26Gentlemen,
00:34:27to what do I owe this pleasure?
00:34:34To be burgundy.
00:34:37Edmund,
00:34:38I had not expected to see you again.
00:34:40No.
00:34:41Dead men don't tend to make social calls,
00:34:44do they?
00:34:46Prepare to die!
00:34:48Wait!
00:34:49Let me say just one last thing.
00:34:51If these men are indeed,
00:34:53as they seem to be,
00:34:54the six most evil men in the land...
00:34:57Yes, they are.
00:34:58Your last sentence, please.
00:35:00Then they've made a pretty damn
00:35:01peculiar choice for their leader,
00:35:02haven't they?
00:35:03My Lord Warden of the Prevision.
00:35:06You think they should have chosen you?
00:35:09Thrush!
00:35:10Ha-ha!
00:35:11A man twisted by unbridled ambition?
00:35:14A man tortured by insatiable greed?
00:35:19Oh!
00:35:19The most evil man in the world?
00:35:22You think they should have chosen you?
00:35:25Yes!
00:35:28But he's a mindless killer!
00:35:30Hooray!
00:35:31He'll destroy the kingdom!
00:35:33Hooray!
00:35:34He murdered his own family!
00:35:37Well, who didn't?
00:35:37I certainly killed mine.
00:35:39And I killed mine!
00:35:40And I killed yours!
00:35:41Did you?
00:35:41Yes.
00:35:41Good on you, Father!
00:35:43Do you have me, then?
00:35:44Yes!
00:35:45Prepare to die!
00:35:47Yeah!
00:35:48Wait!
00:35:49I have a more...
00:35:51amusing method.
00:35:53Amusing for who, my one?
00:35:56Gentlemen!
00:35:58Oh!
00:36:03In precisely one minute,
00:36:05the spike will go up your nevers.
00:36:09Ah!
00:36:10The shears will cut off your ears.
00:36:14Ah!
00:36:16Yes!
00:36:17Ah!
00:36:19Then these axes will chop off your hands.
00:36:22Ah!
00:36:22And I do not think we need
00:36:24go into the attributes
00:36:26of the coddling grinder!
00:36:31These feathers here
00:36:33will tickle you
00:36:34under what's left
00:36:35of your arms.
00:36:37And that
00:36:38is the amusing part.
00:36:43Gentlemen!
00:36:45Let us go and slaughter
00:36:46all the rest
00:36:47of the royal family!
00:36:49God save the king!
00:36:51Because nobody else will!
00:36:55On the head!
00:36:58Sartre!
00:36:59First, let us relieve
00:37:01these wenches
00:37:02of their delightful burden
00:37:03and drink a toast
00:37:05to our enterprise.
00:37:06May good thrive
00:37:08over our dead bodies!
00:37:13Ah!
00:37:28Mmm!
00:37:29It's got a bit of a sting
00:37:30in its tail.
00:37:50Members of the House of Commons, I call upon the new Prime Minister of Great Britain and
00:37:54their empires, Mr. William Pitt, the Younger. Mr. Speaker, Members of the House, I shall
00:38:02be brief as I have rather unfortunately become Prime Minister right in the middle of my exams.
00:38:09I look forward to fulfilling my duty in a manner of which Nanny would be proud.
00:38:15I shall introduce legislation to utterly destroy three enemies of the state. The first is that
00:38:21evil dictator, Napoleon Bonaparte. The second is my old geography master, Banana Breath Squickshanks.
00:38:32But most of all, sirs, I intend to pursue that utter slob, the Prince of Wales.
00:38:39Why? This year alone, he has spent £15,000 on banqueting.
00:38:47£20,000 on perfume.
00:38:51And most astonishingly of all, an astonishing £59,000 on socks.
00:39:00Therefore, my three main policy priorities are, one, war with France.
00:39:07Two, tougher sentences for geography teachers.
00:39:12And three, a right world kick of the Prince's backside.
00:39:18I now call upon the Leader of the Opposition to test me on my Latin vocab.
00:39:25Sir, if I may make so bold, a major crisis has arisen in your affairs.
00:39:29Yes, I know, Blackadder. I've been pondering it all morning.
00:39:32You have, sir?
00:39:33Yes. Socks. Run out again.
00:39:37Why is it that no matter how many millions of pairs of socks I buy, I never seem to have
00:39:41any?
00:39:41Sir, with your forgiveness, there is another, even weightier problem.
00:39:44They just disappear.
00:39:47Honestly, you'd think someone was coming in here, stealing the damn things and then selling them off.
00:39:56Impossible, sir. Only you and I have access to your socks.
00:40:00Yes, yes, you're right still.
00:40:02For me, socks are like sex.
00:40:05Tons of it about and I never seem to get any.
00:40:07Sir, if I may return to this very urgent matter, I read fearful news in this morning's paper.
00:40:13Oh, no. Not another little cat caught up in a tree.
00:40:17No, sir. There is a vote afoot in the new Parliament to strike you from the civil list.
00:40:22Well, yes, yes, yes. But what are they going to do about my socks?
00:40:24Sir, if this bill goes through, you won't have any socks.
00:40:27Well, I haven't got any socks at the moment.
00:40:29Or trousers, shirts, waistcoats or pantaloons.
00:40:32They're going to bankrupt you.
00:40:35They can't do that.
00:40:36Why, the public love me.
00:40:38Only the other day, I was out in the street and they sang,
00:40:41We hail Prince George! We hail Prince George!
00:40:44We hate Prince George.
00:40:45We hate Prince George.
00:40:49Enter.
00:40:51Dr. Johnson, Your Highness.
00:40:53Ah, Dr. Johnson. Damn cold day.
00:40:55Indeed it is, sir, but a verified one.
00:40:57For I celebrated last night the encyclopedic implementation of my premeditated orchestration of demotic Anglo-Saxon.
00:41:07Nope, didn't catch any of that.
00:41:09Well, I simply observed, sir, that I am felicitous.
00:41:11Since, during the course of the penultimate solar sojourn, I terminated my uninterrupted categorisation of the vocabulary of our post
00:41:20-Norman tongue.
00:41:24Well, I don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds damn saucy, you lucky thing.
00:41:28I know some fairly liberal-minded girls, but I've never penultimated any of them in that solar sojourn.
00:41:33If that might have been given any Norman tongue.
00:41:38I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his
00:41:43book.
00:41:43It has apparently taken him ten years.
00:41:47Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself.
00:41:53Here it is, sir, the very cornerstone of English scholarship.
00:41:57This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language.
00:42:01Oh, every single one, sir?
00:42:03Every single word, sir.
00:42:05Oh, well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the doctor my most
00:42:10enthusiastic contrafimularities.
00:42:15Contrafimularities, sir?
00:42:17It is a common word down our way.
00:42:21Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
00:42:23I'm anuspeptic, phrasmotic.
00:42:27Even compunctuous to have caused you such pericombobulation.
00:42:32Baldrick, what have you done?
00:42:34I've done C and D.
00:42:36Right, let's have it then.
00:42:37Right.
00:42:38Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in.
00:42:44C.
00:42:47Yes.
00:42:50Tiny misunderstandings, still.
00:42:52My hopes weren't high.
00:42:55No, and what about D?
00:42:56I'm quite pleased with dog.
00:42:57Yes, and your definition of dog is?
00:43:00Not a cat.
00:43:05Excellent.
00:43:07Excellent.
00:43:09Your Highness, may I have a word?
00:43:10Certainly.
00:43:12As you know, sir, it has always been my intention to stay with you until you had a strapping son,
00:43:16and I one likewise, to take over the burdens of my duties.
00:43:19That's right, Blackadder, and I thank you for it.
00:43:20But I'm afraid, sir, that there's been a change of plan.
00:43:23I'm off to the kitchen to hack my head off with a big knife.
00:43:27Oh, come on, Blackadder.
00:43:29It's only a book.
00:43:31Let's just damn the fellow's eyes, strip the britches from his backside, and warm his heels to Putney Bridge.
00:43:37Hurrah!
00:43:38Sir, these are not the days of Alfred the Great.
00:43:40You can't just lop someone's head off and blame it on the Vikings.
00:43:44Can't I, my God?
00:43:45No.
00:43:46Oh, well, all right, then.
00:43:47Well, let's just get on with it.
00:43:48I mean, boil my brains.
00:43:49It's only a dictionary.
00:43:51No-one's asked us to eat ten raw pigs for breakfast.
00:43:54Good Lord, I mean, we're British, aren't we?
00:43:57You're not, you're German.
00:44:01Get me some coffee, Mordy.
00:44:03If I fall asleep before Monday, we're doomed.
00:44:09Mr Blackadder, time to wake up.
00:44:12What time is it?
00:44:13Monday morning.
00:44:14Monday morning?
00:44:15Oh, my God, I've overslept.
00:44:17Where's the quill?
00:44:18Where's the parchment?
00:44:19I don't know.
00:44:19So, maybe Dr Johnson's got some with him.
00:44:22What?
00:44:22He's outside.
00:44:23How?
00:44:24Are you ill, sir?
00:44:26No, you can't have it.
00:44:27I know I said Monday, but I want Baldrick to read it,
00:44:30which, unfortunately, will mean teaching him to read.
00:44:33Which will take about ten years.
00:44:35But time well spent, I think, because it's such a very good dictionary.
00:44:38I don't think so.
00:44:39Oh, God, we've been burgled!
00:44:41What?
00:44:42I think it's an awful dictionary,
00:44:44full of feeble definitions and ridiculous verbiage.
00:44:47I've come to ask you to chuck the damn thing in the fire.
00:44:50Are you sure?
00:44:51I've never been more sure of anything in my life, sir.
00:44:54I love you, Dr Johnson, and I want to have your babies.
00:45:01Sorry, excuse me, Dr Johnson, but my Auntie Marjorie has just arrived.
00:45:06Baldrick, who gave you permission to turn into an Alsatian?
00:45:09Oh, God, it's a dream, isn't it?
00:45:12It's a bloody dream.
00:45:15Dr Johnson doesn't honestly burn his dictionary at all.
00:45:24Yes, well, obviously, it hasn't really got going yet.
00:45:28I think that's a bit of an understatement, Frou-Frou.
00:45:31I've been at autopsies with more party actors.
00:45:34Don't worry, in a moment, we will hear the sound of music and happy laughter.
00:45:45Bonsoir, Monsieur.
00:45:46Bonsoir.
00:45:46Ah, good evening, my man.
00:45:47Do you speak English?
00:45:49Little.
00:45:50Good.
00:45:50Well, just take me to the ambassador, then, will you?
00:45:53Pardon?
00:45:54I have rescued an aristocrat from the clutches of the evil revolutionaries.
00:46:02Please take me to the ambassador.
00:46:06No, I won't.
00:46:09I am an evil revolutionary and have murdered the ambassador
00:46:15and have turned him into paté.
00:46:23And you, aristopig, are trapped.
00:46:26Pig, ha!
00:46:27You will regret your insolence, revolutionary dog.
00:46:31Dog, ha!
00:46:32You will regret your arrogance, royalist snag.
00:46:35Snag, ha!
00:46:36Look, I'm sorry to interrupt this very interesting discussion,
00:46:38but it really is none of my business, so I think I'll be on my way.
00:46:41Come on, Boric.
00:46:42Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:46:43Not so fast, English.
00:46:44French, in rescuing this, uh, this, uh, abwacked the stinky weed,
00:46:50you will attempt you to pervert revolutionary justice.
00:46:55Do you know what they do to people who do that?
00:46:59They're given a little present and allowed to go free.
00:47:02No.
00:47:03They're smacked and told not to be naughty, but basically let off.
00:47:06No.
00:47:07I think I know.
00:47:08What?
00:47:09They're put in prison for the night and brutally guillotined in the morning.
00:47:12I'm Boric.
00:47:15Your little gnome is correct, monsieur.
00:47:18Gentlemen, welcome to the last day of your life.
00:47:23I am proud to introduce France's most vicious woman.
00:47:28Unexpectedly arrived from Paris this morning,
00:47:30would you please welcome Madame Guillotine herself.
00:47:34Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
00:47:41ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
00:47:41ha, ha.
00:47:42pigs yes that's us leave them with me monsieur ambassador i intend to torture them in a manner
00:47:48so unbearably gruesome even you will not be able to stand it i don't think i will have a problem
00:47:55madam no you will be sick what if i stay for the first few minutes and then i leave if
00:48:00i'm feeling
00:48:01queasy no you will be sick immediately what if i'm sick quietly in a bag i mean what is in
00:48:07your mind
00:48:15so scone prepare to be in pain yes certainly but first perhaps a toast to your beauty
00:48:28oh thank you okay yes
00:48:33so i expect you were expecting to be rescued huh some bloody hope on the contrary i'm just sorry i'm
00:48:41so late what yes gentlemen i have come to take you to freedom hooray my god smedley but i thought
00:48:50you
00:48:50were an absolute fathead no just a damn fine actor thank god i got here before you took any of
00:48:56those
00:48:56awful suicide pills yes i suppose if someone had taken one and wished that he'd hadn't he'd be able
00:49:06to do something about it no no they're very odd things you see the symptoms are most peculiar first
00:49:13of all the victims become very very depressed oh god but this whole revolution is so depressing i
00:49:21mean sometimes i wonder why i bother i mean i'm so lonely and nobody loves me and after the depression
00:49:26comes death no after the depression comes the loss of temper you stuck up bastard what are you staring at
00:49:35and after the temper comes death no after the temper comes the um comes the um forgetfulness uh yes
00:49:45that's it uh comes the uh forgetfulness yes yes right in the middle of a of a thingy you completely
00:49:52forget what it was you oh nice pair of shoes and after the forgetfulness you die oh no i forgot
00:49:58one
00:49:59after the forgetfulness comes a moment of exquisite happiness jumping up and down and waving your arms
00:50:05in the air and knowing that in a minute we're all going to be free free free and then death
00:50:11no you
00:50:12jump in a corner first
00:50:16hooray it's the scarlet pimpernel yes maudrey and you killed him as we rehearsed poetry first sausage later
00:50:29so what do you think harold the horny hunter should do the trick just remind me of it sir harold
00:50:34the
00:50:34horny hunter had an enormous horn it is absolutely excellent sir however might i suggest an alternative
00:50:43lovely little dumpling how in love i am let me be your shepherdkins you can be my lamb
00:50:50well i think we'll be very lucky if she doesn't just come out under the balcony and vomit over it
00:50:54it's fine let's give it a whirl
00:50:55just right here sir right call for her romantically what
00:51:03all right come on out here you rollicking trollebine sauce bottle
00:51:08woof woof
00:51:12is that true yes yes yes tis i your gorgeous little love bundle oh
00:51:20george i think you must be the snuggly wuggliest lambkin in the whole of toyland
00:51:29what was that uh nothing there was just a little fly in my throaty
00:51:33yuck yuck
00:51:35do you want a hacky-wanky to cop the flammy-wammy woo woo wouldn't you
00:51:41what is that is there someone else down there with you no no no it was just the wind whistling
00:51:47through the trees and making a noise that sounded like oh joy then come prince cuddly kitten climb up my
00:52:01ivy
00:52:01sausage time
00:52:04there is someone down there with you oh my god yes yes so there is a filthy intruder spying on
00:52:10our love
00:52:10oh hit him judge hit him very well would you mind screaming your highness take that
00:52:16oh and that and that oh you're so brave and i'm so worn out with all the excitement i better
00:52:26go sleepy
00:52:26bobos otherwise i'll be all cross in the morning nighty night dodgy porgy nighty whitey amy way me
00:52:36i think it works sir in the morning i shall go in and ask her father you go out and
00:52:41start spending his
00:52:42money i can't stand meanness when it comes to wedding presents and well done sir you were brilliant
00:52:48was i yes sir but i'm in agony well that's love for you so i come as emissary of the
00:52:55prince of wales
00:52:56with the most splendid news he wants your daughter amy for his wife well his wife can't have her
00:53:04that lady sir to come here is such a suggestion
00:53:07mine sir or i shall take off me belt and by thunder me trousers will fall down
00:53:13sir you misunderstand he wants to marry your lovely daughter oh oh can it be possibly true
00:53:21surely lovers never cross such boundaries of class well what about you and mum well yes yes
00:53:27i gladly when i first met her i was the farmer's son and she was just the last who ate
00:53:30the dung
00:53:31but that was an exception and auntie dot and uncle dad yes yes all right he was a pig poker
00:53:35and
00:53:35she was the duchess of argyle but i thought to ruth and uncle isaiah she was a milk maiden he
00:53:40was
00:53:40the pope yes yes i won't argue suffice it to say if you marry we need never be poor or
00:53:47hungry again
00:53:48sir we accept good so obviously you'll be wanting an enormous ceremony what did you say
00:53:54well obviously now we're marrying quality we'll never be poor or hungry again meaning that you're
00:54:01poor and hungry at the moment oh yes we've been living off large bodies for five years now
00:54:07i'm so poor i use my underpants for drying dishes so you're skint hi well in that case the wedding's
00:54:15off good day well maulry a good night's work i think it's time to divide the loot and i think
00:54:22it's
00:54:22only fair that we should share it equally which i suppose is highwayman's talk for you get the cash i
00:54:27get
00:54:27the snotty hanky no no no we did this robbery together so you get half the cash oh thank you
00:54:33mr b this robbery on the other hand i'm doing a loan hand it over your money or your life
00:54:41all fair and above board fair enough as long as i haven't been cheated i don't mind hands up
00:54:46i am the shadow but i never miss oh no you the one that looks like a pig he's talking
00:54:56to you baldrick
00:55:02so who have we here
00:55:07well a well set up fellow indeed sir a kiss sorry i'm not sure i heard that correctly
00:55:15oh dear maybe your ears need unblocking oh i see a kiss of course of course of course and then
00:55:21perhaps a little light supper some dancing who knows where it might be
00:55:27good lord it's you of course but your voice it's clever isn't it does your father know you're out he
00:55:35had to go you mean he's dead yes dead is that squirrel which squirrel
00:55:45oh that squirrel of course you've killed him for ruining your chances of marrying prince george
00:55:52i despise the prince don't you know it's you i want i want a real man
00:55:59a man who can sew on a button a man who knows where the towels are kept
00:56:05and yes i crave your fabulous sinewy body well you're only human
00:56:13here's the plan brown eyes you rob the prince of everything he's got right down to the clothes he's
00:56:19standing in i'll get my stash and meet you here and then we'll run away to the west indies
00:56:25well i don't know i'll have to think about it i've thought about it it's a brilliant plan
00:56:31i'll see you here tomorrow
00:56:36right i'm off oh sir but what about the danger look the rewards going up day by day
00:56:41i laugh in the face of danger i drop ice cubes down the vest of fear things couldn't be better
00:56:49baldrick she'll get me abroad and make me rich then i'll probably drop her and get 200 concubines to
00:56:54share my bed won't they be rather prickly
00:57:01concubines baldrick not porcupines britain has the finest trade the finest armies the finest navies in
00:57:07the world and what do we have for royalty a mad kraut sausage sucker and a son who can't keep
00:57:13his
00:57:14own sausage to himself the sooner you're dead the better you're very kind now you're no doubt anxious
00:57:20to catch up with the latest news of the war i have here the most recent briefs from my general
00:57:24in
00:57:25the field yes well if you could just pop them in the laundry basket on the way out tea yes
00:57:30immediately
00:57:34now let's turn to the second front my lord ah yes now as i understand it uh napoleon is in
00:57:40north
00:57:40africa and nelson is stationed in alaska your highness in case boney should try and trick us by
00:57:46coming via the north pole yes perhaps a preferable stratagem your grace might be to harry him amidships
00:57:54as he leaves the mediterranean uh trafalgar might be quite a good
00:57:59trafalgar well i'll mention it to nelson i must say i'm beginning to regret the necessity of killing you
00:58:05your highness i've been told by everybody that the prince was a confounded moron oh no no no no oh
00:58:10helen buckshot here's that tiresome servant of yours again oh budge up budge up oh dare you sit sir
00:58:18in the presence of your beggars get up oh crotch yes i forgot you speak when you're spoken to
00:58:23unless you'd rather be flayed across a gun carriage well
00:58:29sir i fear you have been too long a soldier we no longer treat servants that way in london society
00:58:34why i hardly touched the man i think you hit him very hard nonsense that would have been a hard
00:58:41hit
00:58:42i just hit him like that no sir a soft hit would be like this whereas you hit him like
00:58:50this
00:58:59i wonder if i might be excused your highness your highness
00:59:05i'm sorry about that sir but one has to keep up the pretense
00:59:08i don't know i don't quite understand you you carry on the good work very well sir
00:59:14hang on this is bloody coffee i ordered tea
00:59:19bloody fool aren't you i heard everywhere that the prince was the embassy
00:59:23whereas his servant blackadder was respected about the town now that i discover the truth i'm
00:59:28supposed to beat you to death
00:59:41no no don't stop sir it's coming it's definitely coming i
00:59:48i just wonder whether two socks and a hand grenade is really the sort of thing
00:59:53the covers of king and country are made of they will be when i've painted them being
00:59:57shoved up the kaiser's backside ah now now this is interesting what is well private baldrick is
01:00:04obviously a bit of an impressionist the only decent impression he can do is of a man with no talent
01:00:10what's it called baldrick the vomiting cavalier no sir that's not supposed to be vomit it's dabs of light
01:00:19no it's vomit yes so why did you choose that you told me to sir did i yeah you told
01:00:26me to paint
01:00:26whatever comes from within so i did my breakfast look there's a little tomato goodness if only i'd paid
01:00:35attention in nursery art class instead of spending my entire time manufacturing papier-mache willies
01:00:41to frighten sarah worse you know it's funny but painting was the only thing i was ever really good
01:00:46at it's a pity you didn't keep it up well as a matter of fact i did actually i mean
01:00:50i mean normally
01:00:52of course i wouldn't show them to anyone because they're just embarrassing daubs really but you know
01:00:57they give me pleasure embarrassed to show them to you now as it happens but there you go for what
01:01:02they're worth to be honest i should have my hands cut off i mean george these are brilliant why didn't
01:01:08you tell us about these before well you know doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet you might
01:01:14at least have told us you had a trumpet these paintings could spell my way out of the trenches
01:01:20yours that's right ours all we have to do is paint something heroic to appeal to the simple-minded
01:01:28tommy over to you baldrick um how about a noble tommy standing with a look of horror and disgust
01:01:37over the body of a murdered nun what's been brutally done over by a nasty old german
01:01:44excellent i i can see it now the nun and the hun
01:01:49no time to lose george set up your easel baldrick and i will pose this is going to be art's
01:01:54greatest
01:01:55moment since mona lisa sat down and told leonardo da vinci she was in a slightly odd mood
01:02:01all right you lie down in the mud and be the nun i'm not lying down there it's all wet
01:02:05well let's put
01:02:06it this way either you lie down and get wet or you knock down and get a broken nose actually
01:02:11it's not
01:02:11that wet is it no what are you going to be then sir the noble tommy precisely standing over the
01:02:20body
01:02:21of the rubbish nun i want a wimple well you should have gone before we started the picture you know
01:02:26the funny thing is my father was a nun no he wasn't he was so sir i know because whenever
01:02:35he was up in
01:02:36court and the judge used to say occupation he'd say none right you ready oh just about uh yes um
01:02:47if you'd just like to pop your clothes on the stool
01:02:51i'm sorry just pop your clothes on the stool over there you mean you want me tackle out
01:03:01so yes if i can remind you of the realities of battle george one of the first things that
01:03:06everyone notices is that all the protagonists have got their clothes on neither we nor the
01:03:11hun favor fighting our battles au naturel it's it's artistic license it's it's willing suspension
01:03:19of disbelief well i'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at my willy suspension
01:03:25now get on and paint the bloody thing sharpish
01:03:27how do i look darling
01:03:35girl bait sir pure bloody girl bait moustache bushy enough like a privet head
01:03:43because i want to catch a particularly beautiful creature in this bush tonight
01:03:49i'm sure you'll be coming women out of your moustache for weeks god it's a spankingly beautiful
01:03:54world and tonight's my night i know exactly what i'll say to her darling yes sir
01:04:03um i don't know sir well don't butt in
01:04:07i want to make you happy darling well that's very kind of you
01:04:11can you kindly stop interrupting if you don't listen how can you tell me what you think
01:04:16i want to make you happy darling i want to build a nest for your ten tiny toes
01:04:21i want to cover every inch of your gorgeous body in pepper and then sneeze all over you really
01:04:27sir i'm not protest what is the matter with you darling well it's just all so sudden sir
01:04:34i mean the nest bits fine but the pepper business is definitely out how dare you tell me how i
01:04:40may
01:04:40or may not treat my beloved georgina georgina yes i'm working out what i want to say to her this
01:04:46evening oh yes of course thank god all right yes sir listening to honestly darling you really are the
01:04:55most graceless dim-witted pumpkin i ever met i don't think you should say that to us
01:05:04where the hell's that george it's three o'clock in the morning you should be careful wandering
01:05:07around the trench at night with nothing to protect his honor but a cricket box
01:05:13hello captain about time where the hell have you been oh i don't know it's all been like a dream
01:05:19my
01:05:19very first of all the music the dancing the champagne my mind is a mad world half whispered
01:05:28conversations with the promise of indiscretion ever hanging in the air that old stoat melcher
01:05:33try for a snog behind the fruit cup certainly not general behave like a perfect gentleman
01:05:39we tie out the moon without talking about everything and nothing the war marriage proposed changes to
01:05:46the lbw rule melchard isn't married is he no no all his life he's been waiting to meet the perfect
01:05:53woman and at last tonight he did some poor unfortunate had old walrus face dribbling in
01:05:59her ear all evening well yes as a matter of fact i did have to drape a napkin over my
01:06:03shoulder yes
01:06:07george are you trying to tell me that you are the general's perfect woman well yes i
01:06:12rather think i am well thank god the horny old blighter didn't ask you to marry him
01:06:22he did well how did you get out of that one well to be honest sir i'm not absolutely certain
01:06:27that i
01:06:27did what well you can't understand what it was like sir you know the candles the music the huge
01:06:35mustache i don't know what came over me you said yes oh after all sir he is a general i
01:06:41didn't really
01:06:42feel i could refuse he might have had me court-martialed whereas on the other hand of course he's going
01:06:47to give you the victoria cross when he lifts up your frock on the wedding night and finds himself
01:06:52looking at the last turkey in the shop yes i am i know it's a mess sir but you see
01:06:58you got me
01:06:59squiffion then when he looked into my eyes and said chipmunk i love you chipmunk yes but it's
01:07:06his special name for me you see he says my nose looks just like a chipmunk oh god well it's
01:07:11serious
01:07:12serious trouble here if the general ever finds out the gorgeous georgina is in fact a strapping six
01:07:17footer from the rough end of the trench he could precipitate the fastest execution since someone said
01:07:23this guy fawkes bloke do we let him off or what right bob the second half starts with corporal
01:07:31smith and johnson as the three silly twerps right sir the big joke being there's only two of them
01:07:39i love that that always cracks me up sir followed by boric's impersonation of charlie chaplin
01:07:53yes bob take a telegram yes sir mr c chaplin senate studios hollywood california congrats stop
01:08:00have discovered only person in world less funny than you name baldrick stop yours e blackadder stop
01:08:07oh and put a ps please please please stop and then after that we have ladies and gentlemen the highlight
01:08:16of our show i feel fantastic gorgeous georgina the traditional soldiers drag act you look absolutely
01:08:34lovely sir you are the lying blind or mad lieutenant looks like all soldiers look on these occasions
01:08:41about as feminine as wg grace what are you gonna give them george well i thought uh one or two
01:08:47cheeky
01:08:48gags um followed by she was only the iron monger's daughter but she knew a surprising amount about fish
01:08:55as well inspired well at least you made an effort with the dress what about your costume border i'm in
01:09:02it
01:09:02sir i see so your charlie chaplin costume consists of that hat yes except that in this box
01:09:12i have a dead slug as a brilliant force mustache
01:09:17yes only quite brilliant i fear how for instance are you to attach it to your face well i was
01:09:22hoping
01:09:22to persuade the slug to cling on sir baldrick the slug is dead if it failed to cling on to
01:09:29life i see
01:09:30no reason why she wished to cling on to your upper lip baldrick baldrick come on slugs are always a
01:09:37problem what you've got to do is screw your face up like this you see and then you can clamp
01:09:40it
01:09:41between your top lip and your nose what like this sir that's it that's it that's been right
01:09:46sir sir there's a visitor to see you good lord mr chaplin this is a deal and honor why calls
01:09:56for
01:09:56some sort of celebration baldrick baldrick
01:10:00sir that is extraordinary because
01:10:05because you see this isn't chaplin at all this is baldrick
01:10:10yes it's me sir
01:10:14i know i know i was in fact being sarcastic oh i see
01:10:22everything goes above your head doesn't it george
01:10:24you should go to jamaica and become a limbo dancer
01:10:32they love him sir we're a hit yes in one short evening i've become the most successful impresario
01:10:38since the manager of the roman coliseum thought of putting the christians and the lions on the same bill
01:10:44sir some people seem to think that i was best would you agree
01:10:48baldrick in the amazonian rainforests there are tribes of indians as yet untouched by civilization
01:10:53who've developed more convincing charlie chaplin impressions in yours oh thank you very much sir
01:10:58he's coming off
01:11:01what do you think bob one more god i love the theater
01:11:08it's in my blood and in my soul baldrick put those in some water will you yes sir
01:11:17oh
01:11:19eat knuckle fritz
01:11:20how disgusting a bosh on the sole of my boot i just have to find a patch of grass to
01:11:26wipe it on
01:11:27probably get shunned in the officer's mess sorry about the pong you fellows trod in a bosh and
01:11:31can't get rid of the whiff do you think we could dispense with the hilarious doggy do metaphor for a
01:11:37moment i'm not a bosh this is a british trench is it oh that's a piece of luck thought i'd
01:11:42landed
01:11:42sausage side might ever use your phone if word gets out that i'm missing 500 girls will kill
01:11:49themselves i wouldn't want them on my conscience they ought to be on my face
01:11:57hi flash out here yeah cancel the state funeral tell the king to stop blubbing flash is not dead
01:12:03i simply ran out of juice yeah and before all the girls start saying oh what's the point living
01:12:09anymore i'm talking about petrol yeah i dumped the kite on the proles so send a car uh general
01:12:15melchitz driver should do she hangs around with a big knob so she abuse to a fellow like me
01:12:21look do you think you can make your obscene phone calls somewhere else no not in half an hour you
01:12:26rubber
01:12:26desk johnny send the bitch with the wheels right now or i'll fly back to england and give your wife
01:12:32something to hang her towels on okay dig out your best booze and let's talk about me till the car
01:12:39comes yeah i must be pretty impressed having squadron commander the lord flash heart drop in on your
01:12:45squalid bit of line actually no i was more impressed by the contents of my handkerchief the last time i
01:12:50blew my nose yeah like how you've probably got little pickies of me on the walls of your dugout haven't
01:12:58you
01:12:59i bet you go all girly and giggly every time you meet me i'm afraid not unfortunately most of the
01:13:05infantry think you're a prat ask them who they'd prefer to meet squadron commander flash heart and the
01:13:11man who cleans out the public toilets in aberdeen you may go for wee jock pooh pong mcplock
01:13:24plop
01:13:24so enough uh loop the loop i honestly thought that that that my god yes i suppose i am
01:13:32lord flash art this is the greatest honor of my life i hope i snuff it right now to preserve
01:13:38this
01:13:38moment forever it could be arranged your flash art i want to learn to write so i can send a
01:13:45letter
01:13:45home about this golden moment so all the fellas hate me eh not a bit of it i'm your bloody
01:13:51hero
01:13:52eh old scout jesus now lord i've got every cigarette card they ever printed of you my whole family took
01:14:00up
01:14:01smoking just so that we could get the whole set my grandmother smoked herself to death so we could
01:14:08afford the album of course she did of course she did the poor love crazed old octogenarian
01:14:14well all right you fellas let's sit us down and yarn about how amazingly attractive i am
01:14:19yes will you excuse me for a moment i've got some urgent business there's a bucket outside i've got to
01:14:23be
01:14:23sickened all right you chaps let's get comfy you look like a decent british bloke i'll park the old
01:14:33booties on you if that's okay it would be an honor my lord of course it would have you any
01:14:40idea what it's
01:14:41like to have the wind rushing through your hair no sir
01:14:51but now forgive me i must take to the skies once again very funny the noble lord flashart
01:14:58still eludes me i think you'll find he's overrated bad breath and impotent they say
01:15:08but enough of this as you say in england i must fly
01:15:16perhaps i will master this humor after all yeah i wouldn't be too optimistic
01:15:21he's a little fella if you get lonely in the night i'm in the old chateau there's no pressure
01:15:32is it really true sir is the war really over for us yep out of the war and teaching nuns
01:15:39how to
01:15:39boil eggs for us the great war is finito a war that would be a damn sight simpler if we
01:15:45just
01:15:45stayed in england and shot 50 000 of our men a week no more mud death rats bombs shrapnel whiz
01:15:52bangs barbed wire and those bloody awful songs that have the word whoops in the title
01:15:58oh damn he's he's left the door open oh good we can escape sir are you mad baldwick i'll find
01:16:04someone to look it for us shush kv mum's the word not half or what
01:16:11sir why did you just slam the door on lieutenant george i can't believe it go away
01:16:18it's me it's me but what the hell are you doing here oh never mind the howls and the whys
01:16:22and the
01:16:22do you mind if i don't take a superman to get in here well it's funny you should say that
01:16:27because
01:16:28as it happens i did have some help from a rather spiffing bloke he's taken a break from some crucial
01:16:33top-level shagging it's me hooray god's potatoes george you said noble brother flyers were in the
01:16:46lurch if i'd known you meant old slack bladder and the mound of the hound of the baskervilles
01:16:51i'd probably let them stew in their own juice and let me tell you if i ever tried that i'd
01:16:55probably drown
01:17:00still since i'm here i may as well do it as the bishop said to the netball team come on
01:17:06chums
01:17:12come on uh yes look i'm sorry chaps but i've splintered my pancreas
01:17:18i seem to have this terrible cough cards cards wait wait wait wait wait a minute
01:17:26now i may be packing the kind of tackle that you'd normally expect to find swinging about
01:17:31between the hind legs of a grand national winner but i'm not totally stupid i've got the kind of
01:17:38feeling you'd rather we hadn't come no no no i'm very grateful it says that i'd slow you up i
01:17:43think
01:17:43i'm beginning to understand are you just because i can give multiple orgasms to the furniture just by
01:17:50the city doesn't mean that i'm not sick of this damn war the blood the noise the endless poetry
01:18:00it's not really what you think flash up of course it's not what i think now get out that door
01:18:05before
01:18:05i redecorate that wall an interesting new color called hint of brain well that's clear let's get
01:18:11back to that lovely war then what what oh damn foiled again what bad luck ah and the lord fleshart
01:18:23this is
01:18:24indeed an honor finally the two greatest gentleman flyers in the world meet two men of honor who are
01:18:32adjusted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies face to face at last how often i have
01:18:38rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams the value to encapsulate the unspoken nobility of a
01:18:45comradeship
01:18:46all right bolrick this is an old trick i picked up in the sudan we tell hq that i've gone
01:18:53insane
01:18:54and i will be invalided back to blighty before you can say a wubble a poor gormless idiot well i'm
01:19:02a poor gormless idiot sir and i've never been invalided back to blighty yes lordy but you never said
01:19:07a wubble ask me some simple questions right what is your name wubble what is two plus two oh
01:19:18wubble wubble where do you live london hey a small village on mars just outside the capital city
01:19:26wubble all the men present and correct sir ready for the off eh i'm afraid not lieutenant i'm just
01:19:32off to hartlepool to buy some exploding trousers come again sir have you gone barking mad yes i have
01:19:40cluck cluck jibber jibber my old man's a mushroom etc go send a runner to tell general melcher that your
01:19:46captain has gone insane i must return to england at once but sir how utterly ghastly for you i mean
01:19:52well you'll miss the whole rest of the war yes very bad luck beep right beep
01:19:59i'll be back as soon as i can papa whatever you do don't excite him
01:20:08fat chance now all we have to do is wait bolick fix us some coffee will you
01:20:13and try to make it taste slightly less like mud this time not easy i'm afraid captain why is this
01:20:19because it is mud we ran out of coffee 13 months ago so every time i've drunk your coffee since
01:20:25i
01:20:26have in fact been drinking hot mud with sugar which of course makes all the difference well it would do
01:20:34if we had any sugar but unfortunately we ran out new year's eve 1915. since when i've been using sugar
01:20:41substitute which is dandruff brilliant still i could add some milk this time well saliva no
01:20:55no thank you borick call me mr picky but i think i'll cancel it that's probably because you're mad sir
01:21:03well quite well i didn't go down at all well i'm afraid sir captain darling said they'd be along directly
01:21:10but well you better be pretty damn doolally don't worry george i am okay okay when they get here i'll
01:21:17show them what totally and utterly bonker rooney means well then we've got bugger all to do except
01:21:23sit and wait well i don't know sir we could uh we could have a jolly game of charades oh
01:21:27yes and uh
01:21:28sing-along of musical hits like birmingham bertie and uh whoops mrs mcginsey all setting on my artichokes
01:21:36yes i think bugger all might be rather more fun
01:21:41permission to ask a question sir permission granted baldwick as long as it isn't the one about
01:21:46where babies come from now the thing is the way i see it these days there's a war on right
01:21:53and ages ago
01:21:54there wasn't a war on right so there must have been a moment when there not being a war on
01:22:00went away
01:22:01right and there being a war on came along so what i want to know is how did we get
01:22:10from the one case
01:22:11of affairs to the other case of affairs do you mean how did the war start
01:22:19yeah the war started because of the vile hun and his villainous empire building george the british
01:22:26empire at present covers a court of the globe while the german empire consists of a small sausage
01:22:31factory in tanganyika i hardly think that we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic
01:22:37front oh no no sir absolutely not mad it's a bicycle
01:22:46sir captain darling captain baggerner here to join us for the last waltz um yes tired of
01:22:57folding the general's pajamas well this is splendid comradely news together we'll fight for king and
01:23:04country and be sucking sausages in berlin by tea time yes i hope their cafes are well stocked everyone
01:23:10seems determined to eat out the moment they arrive oh really this is brave splendid and noble
01:23:19sir yes lieutenant i'm scared sir i'm scared too sir i mean i'm the last of the tiddly-winking leap
01:23:29froggers from the golden summer of 1914 i don't want to die really not over keen on dying at all
01:23:36sir
01:23:37how are you feeling darling
01:23:42um not all that good blackadder rather hoped i'd get through the whole show
01:23:48go back to work at pratt and sons keep wicked for the croydon gentleman
01:23:54married doris made a note in my diary on the way here simply says bugger
01:24:03well quite
01:24:05let's move
01:24:12don't forget your stick letter right there sir i wouldn't want to face a machine gun without this
01:24:26listen our guns have stopped you don't think maybe the war's over maybe it's peace
01:24:33well hurrah the big knobs have got around the table and yanked the iron out of the fire thank god
01:24:40we lived through it the great war 1914 to 1970
01:24:47i'm afraid not the guns have stopped because we're about to attack
01:24:53not even our generals are mad enough to show their own men they think it's far more sporting to let
01:24:58the
01:24:58germans do it so we are in fact going over this is as they say it i'm afraid so unless
01:25:05i can think
01:25:05of something very quickly company one place forward
01:25:13oh there's a nasty splinter on that ladder sir a bloke could hurt himself on that
01:25:18stand ready
01:25:20i have a plan sir really bulrick a cunning and subtle one yes sir as cunning as a fox who's
01:25:28just
01:25:28been appointed professor of cunning at oxford university yes sir on the signal company will
01:25:34advance well i'm afraid it'll have to wait whatever it was i'm sure it was better than my plan to
01:25:40get
01:25:40out of this by pretending to be mad i mean who would have noticed another madman around here
01:25:46good luck everyone
01:25:48so
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