- 12 hours ago
The host of a children's science show goes berserk. Harris takes a turn at cross-dressing mugging detail.The officers reopen a 28-year-old missing persons case.
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:05you
00:05er's not in yet uh nope i'm doing his running and i appreciate it maybe you stop to pick out
00:12address possibly the horse catching mugging duty yeah
00:23i'll tell you if i remember correctly you uh you weren't so amused by it last time you pulled
00:29mugging duty. Oh, well, that was a couple years ago. Yeah, I've gained my perspective on it now.
00:36You know, I can find the humor in it. Particularly when it's someone else. Sure.
00:44You think I'll not to feel foolish when you're wearing high heels and stockings and panties.
00:49Panties? What do you wear panties for? No one can see them. What are you talking about? You
00:53got to wear panties. Don't wear panties, you feel like a tramp.
01:00Gentlemen, we have work to do. Or at least the appearance of work, just for my benefit.
01:06Easy. Nick, you have filing? Yeah, I was just waiting for a wall in the conversation.
01:15This seems to be it.
01:23They told me downstairs that somebody up here could help me. I'm Sergeant Umana.
01:29Do you handle missing persons?
01:31Oh, I do a little of everything.
01:36Could somebody help me?
01:39Nick, Barney, this is Miss...
01:42Schnabel.
01:43She wants another opinion.
01:46Captain Miller, what can I do for you?
01:48It's my father.
01:50He's missing.
01:52All right, uh, we'll just have a seat here. Sergeant Wojo Hose will help you. Wojo, this
01:56is Miss Schnabel.
01:57Hey, uh, be with you in a minute.
01:59This is a missing persons case.
02:02Okay.
02:04I guess you get a lot of missing people.
02:07Yeah, well, only if, uh, someone's looking for them.
02:13See, if, uh, if no one's looking for them, then they ain't a missing person.
02:19They're just gone.
02:23Ah, good morning, Sergeant Harris.
02:26You know what this country needs, Barney?
02:28What's that?
02:28A good depression.
02:30And that's a change of pace.
02:32I mean, maybe, uh, if business weren't so good, these merchants wouldn't be able to
02:36afford to jerk their customers around.
02:38I take it you had a problem.
02:39Yeah.
02:40I, uh, I went to pick up my shoes and my hat for the detail.
02:44Tasty.
02:45Hmm.
02:46But the dress wasn't great.
02:48Why not?
02:49I don't know.
02:51Barney, all I wanted done was a few alterations, a little beadwork.
02:56Didn't you find a dress that was already, uh...
02:58Uh, I don't buy off the rack, Barney.
03:01Oh.
03:03Uh, Nick's already done your filing.
03:04Oh, thanks, Nick.
03:05So, uh, you can, uh, pick up a little time by, uh, going and shaving now.
03:09Shave?
03:10Shave.
03:11My legs don't need it.
03:13Ah, good.
03:14Smoothness.
03:14It, uh, runs in the family.
03:16I was referring to your mustache.
03:20Pardon me?
03:21Your mustache.
03:24That stuff growing up there on your lip?
03:27Oh, yeah.
03:28This.
03:31I'd really prefer not to, Barney.
03:34Harris!
03:36Excuse me, Barney.
03:37I think I've got to take these things down to my locker.
03:39Harris!
03:42Too happy about losing the old whisk broom?
03:46He'll shave.
03:47You know, a mustache can become an important extension of a man's personality.
03:51Shaving it can be very traumatic.
03:53Gentlemen, let's not make a big deal out of this.
03:56I shaved once.
03:58I didn't like it.
04:05I haven't afraid of infrastructures.
04:10Oh, yeah.
04:11Oh, yeah.
04:20No, not gonna be silly.
04:21Oh, yeah.
04:22Oh, yeah.
04:23Oh, yeah.
04:24Oh, yeah.
04:25Oh, yeah.
04:27Oh, yeah.
05:11Okay, now before we can officially file a complaint, we've got to know that the guy's been missing for more
05:16than 48 hours, so...
05:17Oh, he has been.
05:20All right, how long?
05:22Counting today, 28 years.
05:25Would have been nice if it had been reported a little bit sooner.
05:29It was a little complicated.
05:32Uh-huh.
05:34You see, I was raised in state institutions in foster homes.
05:39Well, I never knew either of my parents.
05:43There's a real good chance I'm a bastard.
05:49Anyway, a couple of years ago, I decided to try and find him.
05:53Uh-huh.
05:53But nobody would help me.
05:55So I started searching on my own, and I went to the Social Security, and I went to the VA.
06:03And through them, I was able to trace him to the place where he works, right here in Manhattan, the
06:10Continental Health Spa on Christopher Street.
06:13And he's there now?
06:15Well, yeah.
06:17Well, then he ain't missing.
06:19Well, not exactly.
06:22But he won't see me.
06:24Oh, well, uh, let's see if the...
06:26That's the situation.
06:28There isn't that much that we can do about it.
06:30He won't see me because he doesn't know who I am.
06:34If you could just make him talk to me, give me a chance to explain, then everything would be fine.
06:43I can't force a man to talk to you if he doesn't want to talk to you.
06:46Why not?
06:47It's your job.
06:49No, ladies, see, we deal mainly in the criminal element here.
06:52Captain, do I have a right to see my own father, or don't I?
06:58Yeah, of course you do.
06:59No, she does not.
07:01What?
07:02Your father didn't want to see her.
07:03Why not?
07:04She's probably a bastard.
07:05Well, Joey, her father deserted her, and now she wants us to sit on him while she talks to him.
07:11Oh, uh, when did this happen?
07:131950.
07:14Oh, I see.
07:15No, he doesn't see me.
07:17He doesn't know who I am.
07:19If I could just have a chance to explain.
07:22Ms. Schnabel, this is not a police matter.
07:24He's my father.
07:27I've got documented proof.
07:28I've got Social Security.
07:30Please take these notarized things.
07:31That's not the issue.
07:33I've got rights.
07:35I suppose you've heard of the Napoleonic Code.
07:38We sure have.
07:40So?
07:41So?
07:42So?
07:44So it isn't that we're not sympathetic to your problem.
07:48It's just that it's out of our jurisdiction.
07:50You're not going to help me at all?
07:53Perhaps we can recommend you to some, uh, social agencies.
07:59Never mind.
08:01I'm sorry I wasted your time.
08:03Well, we're sorry too, Ms. Schnabel.
08:05You don't have to worry about my bothering you again.
08:09Goodbye.
08:15Okay, Mr. Hawley, if you'll just step inside here, please.
08:18It's all over.
08:19My career.
08:20My life.
08:20Look, take it easy, Mr. Hawley.
08:22I might as well be dead.
08:24You'll feel much better after you're booked.
08:26Oh, God.
08:28Uh, Milton Hawley.
08:30He's the host of one of the educational shows at the station.
08:32Mr. Science.
08:34Really?
08:35You've heard of me.
08:37I'm afraid not.
08:39Of course not.
08:40Who watches Channel 37?
08:43Apparently, uh, Mr. Hawley was performing an experiment on the air when his helper of the
08:47day, one Scott McMillan, age 13, began making what he considered disruptive comments.
08:54Boring, Mr. Science.
08:55Big deal, Mr. Science.
08:57If you're so smart, why are you bald, Mr. Science?
09:00Uh, Mr. Hawley finally replied that Master McMillan should either shut up or, and I'm quoting
09:08here, he'd put his can on a Bunsen burner.
09:12On the air.
09:14I said it on the air.
09:15I couldn't wait for a station break.
09:17The kids started laughing at him, and Mr. Hawley went berserk.
09:21He chased the kid all around the studio, knocking down the lights.
09:25TV equipment.
09:26The station is pressing charges?
09:28Yeah.
09:29What about the kid?
09:29He's suing.
09:31Kids!
09:32They're monsters today.
09:34Used to be you'd show them how to run a motor on static electricity, or how to suck an
09:38egg through a bottle.
09:39They thought you were a god.
09:40Well, uh, unfortunately, I'm afraid we're going to have to book you, so, uh...
09:45Uh, if you'll just have a seat right over here.
09:46If you'll have a seat right here at, uh, Sergeant Yamana's desk, since, uh, Sergeant Harris has
09:51a prior commitment.
09:53Uh, nothing we can't talk about in your office.
09:57Good.
09:58Nick, you'll take care of Mr., uh...
10:00Science.
10:06The object is to provide a believable target.
10:10I'm afraid the mustache might compromise the situation.
10:13See that?
10:14Uh-huh.
10:14It's one of the things I really admire about you.
10:17What's that?
10:18Your flexibility.
10:19That's kind of you.
10:20Your lack of rigidity might compromise.
10:23Your willingness to see both sides of a question, to bend in a given situation if necessary.
10:29I'm very flattered.
10:30What's your point?
10:31I really don't want to shave this off.
10:34Harris.
10:35It's not a matter of vanity, Barney.
10:37It's just that, well...
10:40It looks so damn good.
10:45Uh, Barney, as a call came in from dispatch disturbance over at Continental Spa,
10:50that's where Mr. Snobble said her father worked.
10:53All right, you're in charge.
10:54Take him on it with you.
11:06You know, I used to be on the network every Sunday morning.
11:11Now there's nothing on there but trash.
11:14I think most critics would agree that, uh, children's programming has deteriorated significantly in recent years.
11:20Imbecilic cartoons, superheroes, junk food commercials, nothing for the mind.
11:26Of course, there are still some worthwhile programs.
11:28There's, uh, youth documentaries, some excellent animal series.
11:32Sure.
11:33You ever watch Vermin, Vermin, Vermin?
11:37No.
11:38It's disgusting but informative.
11:42Do you want Nick not back yet?
11:44No.
11:45Seen Harris?
11:46No, not since he came out of your office.
11:55Is there something you want to say to me?
11:57I don't believe we've been introduced.
12:02That is a change.
12:06I guess shaving wasn't as difficult as you thought it was going to be.
12:10Nah.
12:11On the contrary.
12:12Now I'm glad I did it.
12:14Good.
12:15I mean, actually, what is the function of a mustache anyway?
12:18It's, uh, really just a masculine affectation.
12:27It's one way to look at it.
12:29Well, I mean, it's kind of silly when you stop and think about it.
12:33I mean, it's just a stupid clump of hair sitting over your mouth.
12:38A meaningless, superficial demand for attention.
12:46Put everybody in here.
12:48Just leave me alone, okay?
12:49I love you, Daddy.
12:51Well, come on, leave me alone.
12:52Hey, hey, hey, both of you, quiet down.
12:54Hello again, Miss Schnabel.
12:56I just wanted to talk to him.
12:59Okay, what happened?
13:01Well, uh, she went over to the Continental Spa and, uh, tried to get in.
13:05They wouldn't let her in because it was all men.
13:07So she went around the back to...
13:13...click in a window.
13:17And...
13:20Oh, uh, and, uh, uh, uh, then she, uh, went into the locker room.
13:24I just wanted to talk to him.
13:27Now they want to charge her with trespassing.
13:29And it could cost me my job.
13:30Don't worry, Daddy, I'll take care of you.
13:32Don't call me Daddy!
13:33I am not your Daddy!
13:34All right.
13:34She's a ding-a-ling!
13:35Okay, okay, okay.
13:36Nick, you want to, uh, take care of Miss Schnabel?
13:39Okay.
13:39You ought to put her in a cotton box.
13:42But, Mr. Claymore, we would appreciate your patience and your cooperation.
13:46She has been bugging me for a couple of weeks.
13:48She's following me around, calling me, invading my privacy.
13:51I mean, can't you guys keep her away from me?
13:54Well, not unless you get a restraining order.
13:56That's it!
13:56I want one of them!
14:02Uh, Detective Wojohowicz will be glad to help you.
14:05Yeah, uh, uh, sit down, Mr. Claymore.
14:09She is not my kid.
14:10I mean, Darren, even a resemblance.
14:12Look, I ask you.
14:13Do we look alike to you?
14:17I'm the wrong person to ask.
14:20See you, Mr. Claymore.
14:31Thanks a lot.
14:33Stay right there.
14:38Uh, Harris?
14:41Yeah?
14:42I want to say something to you that I never thought I'd say.
14:48Yeah?
14:49Your dress is ready.
14:57You're going to come back and see us before you go?
15:00As the mood strikes me.
15:05Okay, Mr. Claymore, you got a middle name?
15:07Franklin.
15:10Yeah, that's right.
15:14All right.
15:16Date of birth.
15:16October 12, 1925.
15:20Hey.
15:26Social security number.
15:37One, six, four, three, two, three, two, three, two, three, two, three, two, three, two, three, two, three, one, eight,
15:40nine.
15:43Thanks.
15:46Next of kin.
15:47None.
15:57Harassment complaint, restraining order, this ought to keep Ms. Schnabel out of your head for quite a while.
16:03Believe me, I don't like doing any of this.
16:06But I am not her father.
16:07Mr. Claymore, whether or not.
16:09Uh, Barney's not.
16:11Not what?
16:13I don't believe he's her father.
16:15I mean, if what he told me is right, then, uh, she must have screwed up somewhere with her papers
16:20and stuff.
16:20I was in Akron.
16:22But I was in the VA hospital all that year.
16:25Sure you didn't take a few, uh, field trips on the side?
16:29I was a little part of young guy.
16:31And I wasn't chintzy about spreading it around.
16:33But that was the year I was sick.
16:35I had this infection, you know.
16:38I lost a lot of my stamina, if you get my meaning.
16:41I get you.
16:43It was temporary, of course.
16:47In any case, Mr. Claymore, somehow or other, Ms. Schnabel has determined in her mind that you are her father.
16:53Is that my problem?
16:56No, Mr. Claymore, you're not obligated in any way to Ms. Schnabel.
17:01Not legally.
17:04I am not responsible for all the orphans of the world.
17:08Of course not.
17:13Well, maybe a couple.
17:19You had a grandfather.
17:21And a grandmother.
17:23And a mother.
17:24And a father.
17:26Captain?
17:27Hmm?
17:28You had a mother and a father?
17:31Indeed.
17:32So why shouldn't I have a chance to have one?
17:35Don't I raid a family?
17:38Of course you do.
17:39But unfortunately, you can't go around assembling one like a model airplane.
17:43Why not?
17:46It could be just the two of us.
17:49In a house.
17:52With a yard.
17:54And a dog.
17:57And Sunday dinners.
18:09Take that down to the courthouse on Center Street.
18:12You can get your restraining order.
18:16Thanks.
18:18I mean, they're not going to lock her up, are they?
18:21Not unless she violates the order and tries to see it.
18:25Okay.
18:27Because, you know, she's not a mean kid.
18:29She probably makes some guy a nice daughter.
18:31Probably.
18:38It could have been any one of a dozen guys.
18:42What's that?
18:44That restaurant was right near the hospital.
18:46I wasn't the only guy that went out with Sally.
18:49Sally.
18:50Sally, the waitress that she looks a little like.
18:54Sort of.
18:59You get my meaning?
19:00I get your meaning.
19:02Goodbye, lady.
19:03Teresa.
19:04Yeah.
19:05Teresa.
19:07Goodbye.
19:16Listen, I'm thinking.
19:17I can straighten things out at the club.
19:19You don't have to hold her.
19:20You know, I'm the trespassing charge.
19:21I'm sure it's going to be okay.
19:23Fine.
19:25So take care, huh?
19:29You're free to go too, Miss Schnabel.
19:32We have your address if we need you.
19:45Oh, uh, papers.
19:48Don't forget your papers.
19:52I don't want to.
19:54Throw them away.
20:14Listen, I'm thinking.
20:15Give me your address.
20:16We can keep in touch.
20:18It's all right.
20:19You don't know me anything.
20:21I mean, you know, every once in a while I could drop you a couple of lines.
20:23You could send me a card.
20:25You know, for Father's Day.
20:27I mean, just for laughs.
20:31That would be nice.
20:32That would be nice.
20:33You need a lift?
20:42Thanks.
20:45Do you remember much about my mother?
20:47Hey, look, I, uh, you know...
20:50Oh, yeah, I know.
20:51I know.
20:51It was a long time ago.
20:53Almost 30 years.
20:55Yeah.
20:57And it was dark.
21:04That's Mr. Hawley's bail ticket.
21:06Turn him loose.
21:10All right.
21:10Right this way, Mr. Hawley.
21:15That's Mr. Science.
21:19What's he doing here?
21:21Oh, there was a fracas in the TV studio.
21:24He assaulted his assistant.
21:26No kidding.
21:29I'm very sorry about everything that happened.
21:32I appreciate your consideration.
21:34Good luck to you, Mr. Hawley.
21:41Uh, I never missed your show.
21:44I beg your pardon.
21:45I don't believe we've met.
21:46Oh, uh, Sergeant Wojja Hawes.
21:4912th Precinct.
21:51Uh, you were the only guy on television
21:53who never sounded like he meant what he was saying.
21:57That's because I did.
21:59Yeah.
22:00And I didn't just watch, you know.
22:02I did experiments.
22:04Yeah, the, uh, the, uh,
22:06and the motorists and, uh, ant farm.
22:08I had an ant farm.
22:09I hope you learned something.
22:11Sure.
22:12I went to show every Sunday for five years.
22:15Why did you stop?
22:17Oh, I had to.
22:19Join the Marines.
22:23Now that's a kid.
22:35I'll be checking back in around six.
22:44Oh, listen.
22:45What I said to you about your mustache.
22:48Forget it.
22:49I was, uh, just upset.
22:52Forgotten?
22:54I feel much better.
22:58You?
23:00Fine.
23:03Uh, you got a little, uh, smudge.
23:07Oh, thank you.
23:22Uh, go ahead, Nick.
23:24Get all your clever little comments out of your system.
23:28You look lovely.
23:30It's true.
23:32You do.
23:34Come on.
23:35Believe me.
23:37You look fantastic.
23:40Well, I mean,
23:41I know I'm a man in a dress.
23:44Yeah.
23:45I'm, I'm, I'm objected to come across as a,
23:47an attractive woman.
23:50Well, I mean, uh,
23:51I want to look good,
23:53but not better.
23:59See you guys later.
24:03Yes, Dietrich.
24:06You ever see the movie, Laura?
24:08It's about a policeman who be,
24:10comes fascinated by a woman he knows you can never have.
24:14So?
24:16It's playing down the street.
24:17You want to see it tonight?
24:47It's about a man.
Comments