- 2 days ago
The main plot of "Graft" revolves around accusations of corruption within the 12th precinct. A former detective from Barney's squad, Inspector Kelly (guest star Dick O'Neill), joins the Internal Affairs unit and returns to his old station house to investigate. He informs Captain Miller that some officers are suspected of being "on the take".
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00:0012th Precinct Detectives, Sgt. Emenguala speaking.
00:09No, ma'am, I'm sorry, but we can't trace them.
00:11You see, there's very little we can do about obscene phone calls.
00:15No, ma'am.
00:16No, ma'am.
00:18Would you watch your language, please, ma'am?
00:23This is gonna drive me crazy.
00:2426 calls in two weeks.
00:27That's some dirty guy.
00:30We got him down.
00:32You attempted suicide?
00:33Yeah.
00:33Oh.
00:34Just dropped him off at Bellevue.
00:35Psycho ward.
00:37Where's Fish?
00:37He coming.
00:38The guy wanted to jump off the roof, and there's no elevator in the building.
00:43Old Fish had to climb nine flights of stairs.
00:5012 years ago, I saw him put an elevator in this precinct.
00:54Five years ago, I said it again.
00:56Last year, I even offered to pay for it.
01:01How do you feel?
01:02I feel fine.
01:02It's my legs.
01:04I must have been a breach, baby.
01:07My feet are older than I am.
01:10Listen, if you were going to make obscene phone calls, now would you make them from one location or from a variety of locations?
01:15I'd rather have someone else make them for me.
01:20Your mom, you chase a suspect into a residence.
01:23You have no warrant for search and entry, but you know evidence is about to be destroyed inside.
01:29Do you hold off, or do you go in and make an arrest and take a chance of violating the suspect's rights?
01:34Funny spot by olden times.
01:37What?
01:37Look, six pounds off, blinkers on, with the finest grass jockey in the country.
01:44I bet her.
01:45Then a lady next to me says, hey, there's a gray horse with a girl jockey in blue.
01:49My two favorite colors.
01:51She wins.
01:52I lose.
01:53Come on, Germana.
01:54I'm trying to pass my test for a sergeant now.
01:56You going to help me?
01:57Yeah, don't go in.
01:58Well, well, well.
02:01The same old melting pot.
02:04The 12th precinct never changes.
02:06Oh, Kelly, how are things?
02:07Marking or laving.
02:09How you doing, fish?
02:10Staying healthy?
02:11I'm every bit as good a shape as I was yesterday.
02:16Boni diaz, Chino.
02:18Jose Feliciano.
02:21Pretty good, thanks.
02:24Hey, hey, hey, told you, told you, told you.
02:26I got a great new Polak joke for you.
02:29Wonderful.
02:31You heard it.
02:34Hey, hey, Germana.
02:36You better stay out of the sun.
02:37You're starting to turn beige.
02:40Oh, Tyler, then you turn the buck, I thought you'd think.
02:45Hey, there's a color missing around here.
02:47Where's Wilson and Harris?
02:48I got a day off.
02:50There's a minstrel show in town.
02:54What are you doing downtown, Kelly?
02:56I thought you was in narcotics.
02:58Oh, I'm too sensitive for that kind of filthy work.
03:00I'm in internal affairs now.
03:02Oh, you're a spy.
03:03Yeah, some people might look at it that way.
03:06It's them that's got something to hide, anyhow.
03:10Oh, Kelly, what are you doing here?
03:12Making friends.
03:15How do you like narcotics?
03:17You haven't helped him a bit.
03:20Kelly's been promoted.
03:22Yeah, he's a snooper now.
03:26Internal affairs?
03:27Can we talk?
03:29What about?
03:30Graft.
03:34Come out of my office.
03:36Get out of my office.
03:36Let's go.
03:39Excuse me.
03:42Sorry.
03:42I'm sorry.
03:45Sorry.
03:46Sorry.
03:47Sorry.
03:47Sorry.
03:48Sorry.
03:57I'm sorry.
03:57Sorry.
03:58I'm sorry.
03:59Sorry.
03:59Sorry.
03:59I'm sorry.
04:00I'm sorry.
04:01Sorry.
04:01Let's go.
04:02You're sorry.
04:02Let's go.
04:32It's being paid off, Barney.
04:34Internal Affairs has always been concerned about police officers being paid off.
04:38What's that got to do with us?
04:39Oh, some very disturbing information is coming across my desk.
04:43About cops on the take.
04:44Palms up precinct.
04:45You know what I'm talking about.
04:48Would you like a cup of coffee?
04:49No, no thanks.
04:50How about a punch in the mouth?
04:52Don't take a fence, Barney.
04:54Gee, you guys are thin-skinned down here.
04:55Okay, Kelly, no pussyfooting.
04:58You got any accusations, spit it out.
05:00I'm not saying anybody's getting rich, Barney.
05:02It's just the general knick-knacking.
05:05Knick-knacking?
05:06There's not a man in this precinct ever taking a dime from anybody.
05:09Hey, hey, hey, take it easy.
05:10And I resent the implication.
05:11Now, you got any evidence?
05:12Get it up or else get the hell out of here.
05:13The Division of Internal Affairs.
05:15Don't pull division on me.
05:17It wasn't two months ago you were working on my squad.
05:21You never did like me, did you?
05:22No.
05:24You looking for honesty?
05:25You found honesty.
05:26Because I'm Irish, right?
05:28Because you're always coming up with the wrong answers, like that one.
05:31Now you're letting a little authority go to your head.
05:33Hey, now, wait a minute, Barney.
05:34I always do my job the best I know how, and I'm going to keep on doing it that way, no
05:38matter where it takes me.
05:39From the smallest precinct right up to the commissioner's office.
05:43You're not going to find anything around here, Kelly.
05:45Oh, clean as a whistle, Ampon.
05:47No?
05:49Not if you're talking about a newsboy who, out of the goodness of his heart, throws in
05:52an afternoon paper every day.
05:54The Division of Internal Affairs is interested in any gratuity, no matter how big or how small.
05:59Okay, Kelly, you made your point, but we got a lot of work to do around here, so do me
06:03a favor, get your big fat butt out of here.
06:06Well, he's not chewing the fat with you, Barney.
06:08I'll be looking in on you.
06:10Nice to see you again, fellas.
06:17I'd rather be respected than liked any day.
06:23Hey, Barney, what the hell's going on?
06:26A little witch hunt.
06:27Kelly is our local inquisitor.
06:29So if any of you guys got anything you don't want Internal Affairs to know about, you better
06:33give it back.
06:34Are you kidding?
06:35I could add up everything I got since I've been a cop on one finger.
06:40And you know which finger that is.
06:45The little one.
06:47Hey, Barney, is that crepe really insinuating we've been taking payoffs around here?
06:52To Kelly, a payoff could be an apple from a fruit stand.
06:55He's just trying to make points.
06:57You know what they say by a little power corrupting.
07:00But, uh, just in case, everybody be careful.
07:04Careful of what?
07:05Hey, I never take a vacation.
07:07I live in one room.
07:09I do my own cooking.
07:10I appreciate that.
07:12I even wash my own socks.
07:13I appreciate that.
07:17Makes a guy feel like saying, to hell with being sergeant.
07:20All right, all right.
07:21Just take it easy.
07:23I gotta go catch a dirty phone caller.
07:25And if I get anybody, I'm gonna give him Kelly's telephone number.
07:29Everybody, just business as usual.
07:34Just go on doing what you've been doing.
07:35Don't worry about internal affairs.
07:37Don't worry about Kelly, who will be watching us night and day.
07:44Here's your late addition.
07:45Compliments of the publisher.
07:46Hello, I'm home.
08:05Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
08:08Hello.
08:09Hello.
08:12And I'm in a rotten mood.
08:14Oh.
08:15Well, I have enough good mood for the both of us.
08:20How was your day?
08:21Ha-ha, swell.
08:23Oh, that good, huh?
08:24I'll fix you a drink.
08:26What for?
08:27Well, you usually have a drink when you get home from dinner.
08:30Just because I usually have a drink when I get home from dinner
08:32does not mean that I have to have a drink when I get home from dinner.
08:35What am I, an alcoholic?
08:36I don't think so.
08:38I do not need a drink.
08:40Fine, no drink.
08:41Where's the ice?
08:42In the oven.
08:47And the children?
08:48Oh, well, David's sleeping over.
08:50Rachel's at a film festival.
08:52It's part of a theater arts course.
08:54Another film festival.
08:55College of consideration.
08:56What?
08:57That squint.
08:58She's going to develop a squint.
08:59All right, Barney.
09:02Do you want to talk about it?
09:04You know I never discuss police business at home.
09:07I know.
09:09You would think.
09:11You would think.
09:12That internal affairs has better things to do with this time, wouldn't it?
09:15Yes, I would think so.
09:17And what a beauty they picked to do it.
09:19Right, right.
09:21Who?
09:22Kelly.
09:23Kelly.
09:25It's like putting a gun in the hands of a baby.
09:29What are you looking at?
09:31I'm thinking that you don't discuss police business the way you don't drink.
09:36A man has to drink and talk with someone.
09:39Oh, I'm flattered that you've picked me.
09:44Isn't Kelly the one you told me about who wears a shoulder holster over his pajamas?
09:49That's the one.
09:53Now you know what I'm worried about.
09:55I thought you got rid of him.
09:56I did.
09:57It's the trouble with trying to get rid of garbage.
09:59Somebody's always trying to recycle it.
10:02Now he's an espionage agent for internal affairs.
10:06Well, forget about him.
10:08You are going to feel much better after dinner.
10:11Look.
10:12We have filet mignon with mushroom caps.
10:15Leftovers?
10:16Didn't we have filet mignon last night?
10:17We're starting all over.
10:19These are brand new steaks.
10:23You can have a little extravagant.
10:25Children know we're eating this one?
10:28It's all in knowing how to shop.
10:30I got these steaks for $1.48 a pound.
10:34They must be factory seconds.
10:37The secret is in knowing a butcher who is crazy about the way you walk.
10:43It brings special considerations.
10:45I've watched you walk.
10:48I've never given you any special considerations.
10:51You don't think I walk for you the way I walk for a butcher.
10:57Never forget you're the wife of a policeman.
11:00I'm not supposed to be obligated to anyone.
11:03Well, the mailman doesn't feel that way.
11:06Every Christmas we give him a bottle of whiskey.
11:09It's the only reason we get our mail once in a while.
11:11This isn't Christmas.
11:14Okay, so we get a little meat all through the year.
11:18Would you be happy if the butcher gave us a cow in December?
11:22This is just the sort of thing Kelly is looking for.
11:26He can stir up a lot of trouble for me over a little thing like that.
11:29Barney, Mr. D'Amato is a lovely man.
11:32He's not doing this because you're a policeman.
11:34He's doing this because we are friends, because we are fellow citizens, and because he thinks I'm a lovely hunk of woman.
11:43It doesn't matter why, Mr. D'Amato.
11:45The point is I'm a cop.
11:47Now, if I were a tailor, nobody would care, but I am a cop.
11:50And a policeman has to be careful about accepting any sort of gratuity.
11:54You want me to throw out the steaks?
12:01As long as they're here.
12:03I could grind them into hamburgers so they won't be traced.
12:09Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous.
12:11These are perilous times.
12:13So until Kelly finds something better to do with this time, please, no more knick-knacks.
12:18Knick-knacks?
12:20Just a police expression.
12:22Just don't take any favors from anybody, no matter how trivial they may seem.
12:26I suppose that applies to free tickets.
12:30To the theater?
12:33To Bermuda.
12:35Free tickets to Bermuda?
12:36What are you talking about?
12:37I'm talking about a little knick-knack from our travel agent.
12:41How can he give away a thing like that?
12:42Because he gets two free tickets every year, and every year he goes, and this year he's not going.
12:47What I don't understand is, why is he giving them to us?
12:51Barney, he doesn't want anything from you.
12:53He knows you're a policeman.
12:55He appreciates the fact that you lay your life on the line for him every single day of the year.
13:00It's just his way of saying he's sick of Bermuda.
13:04Yes.
13:06We can't accept those tickets.
13:07The way things are, with Kelly just looking for trouble.
13:12We're going to the mountains.
13:13Yes.
13:17Well, I suppose you're right.
13:24But what really annoys me is to see a man who has devoted 20 years of his life to the police department,
13:31a man who has never compromised his integrity,
13:33a man who has never taken anything from anyone,
13:36to see that man suddenly looking over his shoulder and denying himself a lovely opportunity
13:41offered by a grateful citizen and a friend is shameful and unjust.
13:47I'm grateful.
13:49It's just my way of saying I'm sick of the mountains.
13:52Hey, Fish.
14:04Fish, listen.
14:05In the event a prisoner is being extradited from the county of one state to the county of another state,
14:11and such extradition papers have been presented to the police officer in charge of the extradition,
14:15when the prisoner is delivered in the county of the second state,
14:19signed for and released by the receiving police officer,
14:21is it necessary for the extraditing police officer to file in the county of the first state
14:26copies of the extradition papers that have been given to the police officer in the county of the second state?
14:30Good morning.
14:34What do you think?
14:35I stopped in to buy a new pair of shoes this morning.
14:39What did you get?
14:42I didn't get nothing.
14:44They had my size, but they didn't have my shape.
14:49They tried to talk me into buying a new type of shoes where the toes are higher than the heels.
14:59I said to the guy,
15:00I can't walk like that.
15:02I'll tip over and land on the back of my head.
15:10Look at this exacted aqueduct.
15:12800 bucks.
15:15Why do they make everything so damn difficult?
15:17Number three and number four, and I always bet my age.
15:20You're not 34.
15:22I was when I won my last exacted.
15:26You mind?
15:26Why don't you put that damn thing away?
15:28What did I do?
15:29All you ever do is bet on the horses,
15:33or the football game, or basketball game, or some crap game.
15:37You left out Highlight.
15:39It's very funny.
15:42If you try busting bookies instead of calling them on the telephone all the time,
15:45maybe we wouldn't have a yard bird like Kelly sneaking up our keisters all the time.
15:50Nothing to fear but fear itself.
15:53Go fry a noodle.
15:57That's beneath you.
15:58It's always me that's doing something wrong.
16:05What'd you say this for, Wojo?
16:07That's out of line, Wojo.
16:10Nobody says that about you, Wojo.
16:13How come Fish had to climb up nine flights of stairs, Wojo?
16:17That was out of line.
16:18See?
16:21It's always somebody beefing about something I done.
16:26I wish I was back out in the streets in uniform again.
16:29If you're worried about dirty marks on your laundry,
16:32maybe Kelly can accommodate you.
16:34What's going on?
16:45What happened?
16:46Nothing, Barney.
16:48They were discussing Kelly.
16:50Good morning.
16:52You're late.
16:53I interviewed a lot of women last night who got dirty phone calls.
16:58I had to take down all the conversations.
17:01I got names.
17:02I got addresses.
17:04I also got excited.
17:05You want me to type up these reports?
17:09Maybe you better let Fish do it.
17:11Good.
17:11You know, these guys that make dirty phone calls
17:13got to be very lonely people.
17:15They spend so much time talking on the telephone.
17:17They never get to meet anybody.
17:20I wish he'd start writing dirty letters.
17:22None the post office could worry about him.
17:25Twelve precinct.
17:28Yeah, he'll be here.
17:29Thanks.
17:31Kelly's on his way over.
17:32He wanted to make sure you were here.
17:36Thanks.
17:37Hey, Barney, you think Kelly is just a big mouth
17:40or is he really going to try to make trouble?
17:42I think Kelly is just a big mouth
17:44who's really going to try to make trouble.
17:46He's probably after me.
17:48Kelly's always had a thing about
17:50Orientals being on the police force.
17:53He says we screw up the look of the St. Patrick's Day parade.
18:00Kelly is after someone in a position
18:02of authority.
18:04He's looking for somebody
18:05who's been doing a little chiseling under the table.
18:09Somebody whose wife has been doing
18:10a little chiseling under the table.
18:11No, no, that isn't it.
18:13He's probably been snooping around
18:15into our personnel files
18:17and came up with something really big.
18:19Like what?
18:20Like the fact I cheated on my income tax.
18:23When was that?
18:24About nine, ten years ago.
18:26I went to a police convention in San Francisco
18:28and I deducted all the expenses for Bernice.
18:31There's nothing illegal about that.
18:33Yes, there is.
18:33I didn't take Bernice.
18:36Did the IRS find out about it?
18:39Yeah, they disallowed it.
18:40They took it out the next year.
18:42Well, if you're straight with the government,
18:43Kelly can't hurt you.
18:44I'm not worried about Kelly.
18:45I'm worried about Bernice.
18:48I think Kelly is on to something international.
18:52He's after me.
18:55What did you do?
18:56I didn't do anything.
18:58But my brother-in-law is in New York
18:59illegally from Argentina.
19:01Where is he?
19:02He's hiding in the cellar
19:04of a condemned rat-infested building
19:07on the west side.
19:09Right across the street from me.
19:10Well, you better do something about it
19:14before immigration finds out.
19:15Yeah, well, I told him,
19:17hey, you gotta go back to South America,
19:19get a visa,
19:20then come back to the United States,
19:21to New York,
19:22take the test,
19:23and then become a citizen of the United States.
19:26What did he say to that?
19:27He don't think it's worth it.
19:31Hi, Barney.
19:34Good morning.
19:37I have a confession to make,
19:38and I...
19:39I think you all should hear it.
19:42Maybe we should start lighting candles.
19:44It's so serious.
19:50Three years ago,
19:51when I took the test
19:52for a detective of third grade,
19:54I wrote some answers on my shirt.
20:01Well, there were important answers.
20:03If Kelly's after my badge,
20:07I'd rather turn it in
20:10than have him put the arm on me.
20:14So I'm going down to internal affairs.
20:18Wait a minute.
20:20Wait a minute.
20:22This is some exciting group we got here.
20:25A little fooling around on an exam.
20:29A little fooling around in San Francisco.
20:32I'm beginning to feel sorry for Kelly.
20:34I mean, this is a pretty measly bunch of skeletons
20:36he found in this closet.
20:38All right.
20:39Gentlemen, we have all purged our souls.
20:42Life goes on.
20:43Huh?
20:43Yamana, that's a police phone,
20:47not a racing wire.
20:50And, Chano,
20:50see if you can convince your brother-in-law
20:52there's still some hope for us.
20:54Uh,
20:55Bojo,
20:56when you take that sergeant exam,
20:58wear a clean shirt.
21:00Fish.
21:01Don't waste a warning.
21:07Do you know what really annoys me?
21:09What really gets me
21:10is to see basically honest men
21:14who have devoted their lives
21:16to the police department
21:17intimidated
21:19and then looking over their shoulders.
21:21It is shameful and unjust.
21:25Thank you, Barney.
21:27What's more,
21:28I'm going to tell that to internal affairs.
21:31As soon as I come back from Bermuda.
21:46Patrolman Kelly reporting for duty.
21:50For an undercover cop,
21:52that's a pretty dumb disguise.
21:58What are you doing in uniform?
21:59It's my payoff
22:01for devotion to the department.
22:03Hey,
22:03I followed those investigations,
22:05Barney,
22:05like I told you,
22:06right up to the top,
22:07right into the inner sanctum
22:08to commission his office.
22:10There it was.
22:12Nepotism,
22:12favoritism,
22:14rake-offs on meat.
22:16And I got sure
22:17I was in line for a gold badge.
22:19What'd they give me?
22:20A blue suit.
22:22Here I am,
22:22right back at the old one, too.
22:24You mean they reassigned you here?
22:26Yeah,
22:26how about that?
22:27Hey,
22:28uh,
22:28no hard feelings,
22:29huh?
22:31Hey,
22:31fellas,
22:31uh,
22:32still friends,
22:33huh?
22:39Nice to know
22:40they still respect me.
22:44Here's the free lady edition.
22:46Compliments to the publisher.
22:47Take it easy.
23:00Yamana,
23:00I wasn't making book.
23:02Uh,
23:03thanks,
23:03officer.
23:04I'll take over from here.
23:06I was just standing around.
23:08I swear.
23:09What are they busting me for?
23:10Convenience.
23:12Whose?
23:13Mine.
23:14I promise I'll lay off the phone.
23:17I pledge allegiance
23:28to the flag
23:29of the United States of America.
23:32Yeah.
23:32Take this out,
23:33will you?
23:42You all right?
23:43Yeah,
23:44why?
23:44You think you're going to fall over?
23:48It's my new shoes.
23:54Johnny,
23:56would you,
23:56uh,
23:57hey,
23:57if a police officer loses his badge,
24:00does he,
24:00uh,
24:00report it to his superior
24:02or just wait until somebody turns it in?
24:04He reports it to his superior officer.
24:06I lost my badge.
24:07All right,
24:20let's CHARGE.
24:21I'm,
24:22I'll calldle the force,
24:22but somewhere justĂȘnio who's almost supreme
24:23uh,
24:24we bersen enforce.
24:24Uh,
24:25Uh,
24:25it's much different jungle'
24:25because you're not going to be burning for the river.
24:26Uh,
24:27buddy,
24:27gotta go.
24:28Uh,
24:29well,
24:29it might be gone.
24:30Uh,
24:31it might be frightened,
24:32but you'll see a light monkey.
24:32You're not going to the darkness.
24:33I'll call it.
24:34...
24:34Uh,
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