- 2 days ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [Recommended]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:06You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:38Bye.
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:47It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
01:50Quick reset back towards.
01:51I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:04It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:08I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14Yeah, what did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37It involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:45Six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:13I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:24if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance
03:45of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:54Dumb fucking baggy.
04:05Um...
04:07Come in.
04:10Um...
04:11I, uh...
04:13Forgot to grab your mic.
04:14Take a look.
04:16Joe!
04:26Uh...
04:27Uh...
04:29Uh...
04:29Uh...
04:35Uh...
04:36Uh...
04:37Uh...
04:38Uh...
04:38Uh...
04:39Uh...
04:57I'm just, you know, there's a photographer camped out front, so I'm going to take you down the side.
05:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned and the whole Bond rumour mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what? I just realised I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:14Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it. Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though. Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:31You all right?
05:38Oh, my God.
05:46Oh, my God.
05:59Oh, my God.
06:00Chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug
06:03-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug,
06:16Huh?
06:16Dude!
06:17What?
06:18I know you!
06:18Mate!
06:19Mmm...
06:20I'm a huge fan!
06:21Awe!
06:21See, you're talented!
06:22No, no, I'm not!
06:23Yes, you are!
06:24You're an exceptional actor and I want you to know that!
06:26Thank you, mate.
06:27This is, can I get a little video for my girlfriend, Heather.
06:29She's, like, obsessed with you, dude.
06:30Yeah, yeah, babe, check it out. Walking down the street, guess what I've been to?
06:35Dev fucking Patel. What? Dev Patel, just walking down the street.
06:40Say something about Slumdog. She loves Slumdog.
06:46It was an amazing honour to be part of Slumdog Millionaire. It was a great film that people
06:51loved, that I loved. I loved that film. I mean, my family, my community, internationally.
06:56He's not Dev Patel. What? He's not Dev Patel. Look how short he is.
07:04Dev is tall, strong, handsome, our Gujarati hero.
07:09Hello, Shah Jahan Latif. Are you the Shah Jahan place? Who's Shah?
07:14Shah Latif, Shah. That's me.
07:20Can we go, please? No problem.
07:27Assalamualaikum, Mr. Latif, Shah. I hope you are enjoying your mobile experience and the temperature
07:32is of enjoyment for you. I asked for a silent ride on the app, so.
07:36Sir, just one thing. Where are you from? Because you are looking like the packy,
07:40but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42You are looking like the jihadi, but you are looking like the sphincter.
07:46Sphincter? Wait, that's a bar? Of course I like that.
07:48You like sphincter. You just came to me like that.
07:49Thanks for picking me up, bro. Come on, man.
07:51I appreciate it.
07:52What's my posture, please? You're awesome.
07:54You took in love here. Hey, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I did look. I'll be busy, okay? What do you always say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was going to tell you, but basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
08:09There's no brown dolls for saying that. It's weird.
08:11It's not a doll, bro. It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
08:15You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:18You need to chew your tits. First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:20And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:24It's not a dildo.
08:24It looks like a dildo to me. And I need it for my fleet anyway.
08:26Fleet?
08:27All right. Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:29It's 26, actually.
08:31Fuck off.
08:32Yes. Things have been going very well.
08:34Got some serious investors interested.
08:40But if you're going to say it properly, there you go.
08:44Investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro. Uber in London is already Muslim.
08:48Right? Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:50Listen to me. We drive that thing, but we need to own our team.
08:53And I want us to own this thing.
08:55And if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as a driver. I don't mind.
08:59I don't need any money from you, bro. I got stuff cooking.
09:02There's no why I heard.
09:02I got stuff cooking.
09:03Where you going cooking?
09:04I can't tell you.
09:05Huh?
09:05It's top secret. I signed an NDA.
09:07You ain't signed no NDA.
09:08I did a non-disclosure agreement. I signed it.
09:10I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:12You ain't got shit, bro.
09:12Bro, you're mistreturning for mine.
09:13No, we didn't, actually, because we're going to mummy and barbers.
09:16What?
09:16Yes.
09:17No.
09:17What do you mean, no?
09:18What? I mean, no.
09:19Yes, we are, bro.
09:20Okay? You have not checked in on your mum in time.
09:22She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:23Bro, I'm not in a mood.
09:25Yeah, can you turn it around?
09:26Well, I don't care if you're in a mood or not.
09:27If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:31NDA.
09:47Come.
09:49Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:51Sometimes beating here is enough, you know.
09:53Okay.
09:54One minute.
09:55I'm coming.
10:01Tahira, when will I come back?
10:03Okay.
10:04I'm going to get a personal shopper with Harrods.
10:06Yeah.
10:07Okay.
10:08I need my silver rally set today.
10:10No, no.
10:10Silver rally set?
10:11No, no.
10:12It will look good, right?
10:13Yes, yes.
10:13It's a good thing.
10:14It's a good thing, right?
10:15Good morning, auntie.
10:17Good morning.
10:18Look at you.
10:19All grown up, huh?
10:20Such a strong boy.
10:21Good morning.
10:22Masha Allah.
10:23Good morning, Nayla.
10:24Good morning.
10:25Bye, auntie.
10:25Bye, auntie.
10:27Bye, auntie.
10:27Let's see who came here.
10:28Let's see who came here.
10:29Who knows them?
10:30Honey, brother.
10:31Come here.
10:32Come here.
10:33Come here.
10:38You'll die.
10:41You'll die.
10:42You'll die.
10:43I'll come here.
10:50I've been two weeks.
10:51Look, that's how many days he gave me a car and bought my car.
10:56I bought my mom's botox.
10:58I thought it was Marco Jackson when I came in the house.
11:02Oh, I didn't know.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05Come on.
11:06Take care.
11:07I've seen some of the Google Alerts in a few times, right?
11:11Yeah, there's stuff going on.
11:12I just got hungry.
11:15don't talk about it okay just tell me I'm just to do a just pray
11:25do a for you all the time do a okay Baba have you seen a brown
11:32leather case about this big it's got my name written on it in gold
11:34I've got some stuff cooking it takes time to make a film
11:39that was one scene in one film he'd been put it on his newsreader all day
11:50why aren't you showing up to these doctors appointments huh they're
11:53expensive I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong
11:59hey cousin oh shit what are you saying no man oh bless what's this what's what
12:05you've been getting to take out your tags oh oh is that you yeah see how your
12:11boy's spending give me that why are you home quit my job man manager was a
12:16dickhead hey that's unable to review my body charge me he was a weirdo if you
12:20need work experience I could sort you from Felicia no no listen if you really
12:23want to help me tell me to taste the show tonight
12:25is he playing tonight yeah why I told you come work for me
12:30brother I already sent you my counter offer 50% of my business yes but do you
12:34believe in gender equality or not no not really oh my god
12:41sharpie can it be the next chance bond what hey it might be coming might be
12:48can I believe that oh shit no no no no it's legit it's legit what the fuck oh my
12:53god this is crazy this is crazy wait wait wait chill man check the website it's BBC we
12:59contract it Greg Daniel Margegan sala but why didn't he tell me you're speaking
13:03phone it's not it's just an audition it's just an audition it's just an audition it's
13:07an audition it's an audition it's an audition it's a photo from today's audition
13:09that's what it makes sense though man James Bond is white
13:15I'm the haramzata he's playing just do you know how much sex James Bond does with the
13:19sex cut that
13:23I'm the harambe and he's no
13:27listen it's okay to be a little bit excited you know it's nice even just to just to have the
13:30opportunity is is it's a big deal you know brown James Bond you should be proud you know
13:35this guy's face is gonna be fucking lost everywhere imagine imagine it
13:38Daniel Craig got me 20 m's for the last movie
13:40my Shahju will get 21
13:43it's just calm down it's just an audition yeah
13:45call me if you need a body double for sex scenes
13:48can you tell her to call me soon she comes back in
13:52yes
13:54phone
13:54I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing I just got to sort this out
13:58and I'm working out cuz you don't yo look at me I'm proud of you yeah oh my
14:07guys see let's see what of course the shuttle but do they know by the height
14:12yeah they're gonna give you special shoes that James was a big any I'm just
14:20saying it for you for you
14:25hey Felicia can you call me back please I'm just wondering if the
14:28audition news league thing is help me you know fuck me thank you
14:32oh
14:33well
14:50yeah
14:51yeah
14:52yeah
14:52yeah
14:52yeah
14:53yeah
14:55yeah
15:04Yeah, yeah, where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed, what the fuck do you think?
15:10Listen, did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever. What are they saying? Are they pissed?
15:16Well they are very surprised about how much you're trending
15:21and because of the reaction they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:25Fuck! Yes!
15:28You plus the female director is doing very well for the 18 to 34s
15:31and you know that demographic gets them wet.
15:33Oh my god.
15:34So listen, sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh my god.
15:39Thank you, that is amazing. That's really, really cool.
15:42God bless the internet, eh?
15:44Yeah, so just one thing, we can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sure, I just told you it's good you're trending.
15:54Look, I'm just thinking, maybe I should delete all the old music,
15:58just the really political bits. What do you think?
16:00As your agent, let me deal with that stuff. You just need to act.
16:05Listen, there's videos of me online fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there, all you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes, fresh blood, so new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen, don't find a thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh. Okay, okay, so what were you saying?
16:21Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Or, or, cause Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into, you just are.
16:31Listen, just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah. Done.
17:13Oh shit. Hey.
17:17What are you doing here?
17:18Me? What are you doing here?
17:20We are everywhere today.
17:24Pretty cool, isn't it?
17:43Look who's back on the street!
17:46Brickshaw!
17:47What's up, bro?
17:48This shit blew up, huh?
17:49Yeah, it's working.
17:51You killed it, man.
17:52What are you saying? Ami?
17:53Yes, dude.
17:53What are you saying, man?
17:55Are you meant to be protecting Gotham City right now?
17:56What?
17:57No, it's not Gotham.
17:58Bro, don't you know, totally new backhunt.
18:00It's not bad, man.
18:01It's James Bond.
18:02What?
18:03Hey, bro, easy with the Hollywood big man shit.
18:05Well, this is just the audition.
18:06Let's see.
18:06You know what?
18:07We need to take a picture on the ground.
18:11Safe, man.
18:11Alright, it's good to see you.
18:12I'm just thinking...
18:13What?
18:14Forget it, forget it.
18:15It's cool, man.
18:15No, I'm not fair.
18:16Nah, I'm just...
18:17Go on.
18:18I just had a mad thought.
18:19Like, wouldn't it be sick if I...
18:22I warmed up for you a lot tonight?
18:24Because I think the crowd would love it.
18:25It'd be like a reunion.
18:26It'd be like old times, bro.
18:27Like, how dare you, bro?
18:29No.
18:29Nothing, you just, you come back.
18:31You act like you fucking own this place.
18:33What you mean?
18:33Walking through here, all like...
18:35Look at me, look at me, and...
18:36Bro, I didn't...
18:37I didn't mean it like that.
18:38I didn't mean it like that.
18:39I didn't mean it like that.
18:40You all right?
18:41I didn't mean it like that.
18:42You're a dickhead.
18:43You're a dickhead.
18:44You're a dickhead.
18:44I can't knock the hustle, man.
18:46Yo, maybe...
18:47Uh, yeah.
18:48I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd.
18:49Like, um...
18:50You know, like the old days.
18:51Bro, I'll meet you on stage with a mic.
18:52Shaman, uh, there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now.
18:57Just don't pay attention to it, all right?
18:59It's all bullshit.
19:01London, are you ready for a tape?
19:03No, no.
19:16Oh, yee!
19:18Go!
19:21Give me God!
19:25You know...
19:28darling Lester says..
19:30I don't know what's up with my regarde호�ob.
19:31The theater hug is insane.
19:31Oh great!
19:31Time eight o'clock with his heart.
19:31Google Lester says he looks better it.
19:32Wow, I want to call it.
19:32... IL..."
19:32Click anytime!
19:33I don't know what the
19:33Yes, yes, not done.
19:36Special guest MC in the buildings.
19:38MC.
19:40Right shot.
20:19Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
20:48Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
21:06Charles Latif.
21:07Welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart's with me, Sir Patrick Stewart's.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast,
21:18but few who have had such an eventful 24 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a bond or two.
21:26Daniel Craig's a dear friend.
21:28Big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:41Yeah.
21:42Nigel Murray, how are you?
21:43Thank God.
21:44Good.
21:45At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right, yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers as well.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, I might do the full service.
21:58You haven't got a food chaser if you need one.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:03So, house is two points of entry, hostile object into the front bay window, those and the
22:08doors may need reinforcing, and I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter
22:12if you have the bodies.
22:1360 friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Wow.
22:16You really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:20Yes.
22:21Yes, yes, you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:26Your guests are for E.D.L. Fetter, I presume.
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Yeah, I just want to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, of course.
22:32Sure.
22:33Fuck!
22:33It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs, and it's harder to defend a position
22:38at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree you can't really act this role?
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds, whether
22:57in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01You just got...
23:02Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted.
23:03Thank you for sorting it out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06All right?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel.
23:08Okay?
23:09They do free stays for celebs, like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Northwest Nanny.
23:14And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week is free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs, but...
23:21Yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29Talking about, man.
23:39What the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security, cuz...
23:43I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:45Chill your pom-pom out.
23:46Learn from that, man.
23:47It's not fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:49What you want to ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:54Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, bro.
23:57They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K, ISIS-L, OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They don't need PhDs, do they?
24:10They're hard as fucking committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:13I'm not trying to start, I'm a dresser, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:17If you could just listen to me, for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't you?
24:23Tiny Lully, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:27Doing my butt day and everything.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking vagabond could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38I'm a professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it would be better for everyone.
24:43She's not going to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand?
24:47Shah, Shah, you better be a janu and help me take this to the car.
24:51Let's go.
24:53Sixty people's a lot for Eid.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58Look at you, Bhatai.
25:00What are you doing?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:04For 20 fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:07Already bringing her country swelling.
25:08I like kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10Daira.
25:11What are you doing?
25:12Naila.
25:14Hey, it's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17I don't know.
25:17You have done already so much.
25:19Shahju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila and D more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daira.
25:23I was telling Shahju.
25:24I could be doing so much more.
25:28Sadly, it's no longer safe here.
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:31Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody stop.
25:35Can you stop here, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40It's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:41Huh?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is Freemason nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should have gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48Garde, Kutaira.
25:49Nothing is done here.
25:50House won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila.
25:52Please, Shahju.
25:53Sorry, guys.
25:54The Prophet, please be upon him.
25:55So long.
25:56Exactly, exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
25:59trust in Allah,
26:00but tie up your camel.
26:04My guy, he knows his stuff.
26:06You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just want to say that holy days like this
26:08are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
26:10so perhaps you should think about
26:11moving your Eid celebrations
26:12to a different location.
26:13Hey, Bencho, shut up.
26:14One layover in Dubai
26:15thinks he knows our business.
26:16Who is this?
26:16No, I've got tremendous respect
26:17for Islamic culture,
26:18especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:23This is a lot of work,
26:24and I'm very good at it.
26:26You guys have a lot of pain.
26:28Naila,
26:28Naila Ji,
26:29we'll come back to Karligin.
26:31Arrayez, Arrayez.
26:32If something happened,
26:33you're responsible for your people.
26:35Okay, Naila Ji.
26:38Mommy,
26:39I didn't...
26:40Mommy!
26:44Lovely to meet the family.
26:45Colorful lot, aren't they?
26:46They really get after it,
26:48and your brother,
26:49he seems nice.
26:51He's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin,
26:53but he was raised with us.
26:54That's complicated.
26:55All right,
26:55well, look,
26:56this is for you,
26:58as you quote,
26:59although,
27:00I would be willing to postpone payment,
27:03you know,
27:03in consideration of future work,
27:06because if my internet searches are correct,
27:08then you will be needing our services
27:09a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh,
27:11let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable,
27:14could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes in.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh,
27:17so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21What are you doing?
27:22You asked me to do security,
27:23you know?
27:23But tonight,
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:25Yeah,
27:26so I won't be needing it.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah,
27:29no,
27:29absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well,
27:31oh,
27:31by the way,
27:32those stolen dashcams,
27:33the battery life is,
27:34so,
27:35bring a charger.
27:36All right.
27:36You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers,
27:38Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fees,
27:41bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:44Hmm.
27:53I heard you go into this gala tonight.
27:56On your own,
27:57or?
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:02Is it?
28:04You haven't got any shoes on trainers.
28:07Can I arrange it?
28:09Go on,
28:10get ready,
28:10you fucker.
28:32Wait,
28:32that is a proper go fucker day.
28:34It's a good job I came to babysit you.
28:36Ah,
28:36bro,
28:36you might be taking care of the muscle,
28:38but I'm winning over the hearts and minds,
28:39yeah?
28:41But when you're in the middle of a culture war,
28:42that's the real battleground.
28:43Big man,
28:44how are you going to fucking battle them with your horny make-up face?
28:46What?
28:47You know the face that you do when you're on a red carpet,
28:49it looks like you're trying to shag that camera,
28:51but you're worried the camera's going to shag you out.
28:52I'm not.
28:52Don't put that in my head right now.
28:53You're going to put me off.
28:55Okay.
28:56For confirmation,
28:56what is that?
28:57Yeah?
28:58What,
28:58man?
28:58I look good there.
28:59You look like you're making a pervy version of fucking planet Earth.
29:02All right,
29:02let me just see something.
29:04Raj Taka?
29:05Motherfucker.
29:06All right,
29:06all right.
29:07Don't jizz on my level of seats.
29:08You can't afford to clean your feet.
29:09Okay,
29:09listen,
29:09let's just go there and smash it,
29:10all right?
29:11Brother,
29:11we are already fucking smashing it,
29:13okay?
29:13We are arriving in the Muba Prime experience.
29:15Look at this.
29:16Alal Harry Bowls.
29:17Custom,
29:18specifically branded Zamzam water.
29:19You're a little mini dildo on the dashboard.
29:21Cuz,
29:21look at me.
29:22We are arriving like this is fast and furious,
29:24but without the four skins.
29:25You understand?
29:26Come on,
29:27let's get it,
29:27cuz,
29:27yes?
29:27Yeah,
29:28you ready?
29:28Yes,
29:28bro.
29:30Yeah.
29:32Come on,
29:32don't do that on the red carpet.
29:33I can't guarantee it.
29:46There's a lot of excitement,
29:48but also some displeasure at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
29:53Proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission.
29:56How so?
29:57Well,
29:58it's why I want the role.
29:59It's why I'm here speaking to you.
30:01Is that why you wanted to make a speech at the King's Museum?
30:04Gala?
30:05Exactly.
30:06To show people that this is what a hero can look like.
30:09To show them that this too is what British looks like.
30:16Hey,
30:17yo,
30:17listen,
30:17I support the team.
30:18I support the team,
30:19but when you finish tonight,
30:20please,
30:21get home with movers,
30:22okay?
30:22That's for you.
30:23Sorry,
30:24there's no service in your area.
30:25I'm Turkish.
30:26You're Turkish?
30:26Then there's service in your area.
30:28Excuse me,
30:28sister.
30:29No!
30:30Stop!
30:32MC Rikshar!
30:33Oh,
30:33man!
30:35Can I get a pic?
30:36You want a pic?
30:37I'll kill you next week.
30:38Hey,
30:39yo,
30:39guys,
30:39guys,
30:40come and get a picture with your one and only fan.
30:41Come on.
30:42Oi,
30:43bro,
30:43you're ignoring me.
30:44Bro,
30:44we've got to go,
30:45man.
30:45Why are you going in there?
30:47Man,
30:48sold out.
30:49You should be out here with us.
30:51Yo,
30:51yo,
30:52yo,
30:52make sure you have a photo with you.
30:53What's the problem?
30:54Bro,
30:54if I get a photo to take with them a lot,
30:55it's not,
30:56it's not the right image I'm going for right now.
30:58All right?
30:58The real change happens in there.
30:59We've got to get in there.
31:02Listen,
31:03I know you think you're his majesty's secret service or something,
31:05but don't go full coconut pussy around you tonight.
31:07Oh,
31:07yeah?
31:08Then don't go into father fuckboy on me then.
31:10You want to respect my guy?
31:11Keep it real.
31:12Okay,
31:13why don't you respect this?
31:14Watch and learn.
31:18You're doing it again?
31:19I'm not doing the face.
31:20You're doing the face again.
31:20Go on,
31:20you do the face again.
31:21All right,
31:21let me show you.
31:23Nah.
31:24You know what that is?
31:25You're like a pedophile journal,
31:27bro.
31:27There's cameras.
31:27Why would you say pedophile?
31:28Because they don't have sound.
31:29It's fault.
31:29Mr. Lateef.
31:30Hi.
31:31So happy you've made this.
31:32I'm so glad to be here.
31:34This is my associate,
31:35Magra Machika Lern.
31:36Can I ask who I might speak to about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh,
31:41we don't have you done us doing a speech.
31:42Oh,
31:42I think it's because I'm a last,
31:44a last minute addition.
31:46So,
31:46well,
31:47it'll be a new house,
31:48I suppose.
31:48Yeah.
31:49She's our new director.
31:50Okay.
31:50Oh,
31:51I'm guessing I have a plus one.
31:54Mr. Soufrakhan Ali,
31:56CEO of Move Enterprises.
31:57I just think it should be like an official record
31:58that I'm here tonight,
31:59so thank you.
32:02Cuz,
32:03where the fuck have you bought us, man?
32:04This looks like the Jarl's bull sack.
32:07You're from humble beginnings like me.
32:09So,
32:10how is your family dealing with all this?
32:12The same way we deal with everything.
32:14It's a team,
32:15together.
32:16I'm proud to say that
32:17we've all got each other's backs.
32:20Bro,
32:21this is mad.
32:22Yeah,
32:22I told you,
32:22bro,
32:22I've got stuff cooking.
32:23As-salamu alaykum.
32:24As-salamu alaykum.
32:25Sorry.
32:28Alright,
32:30you've got to find this Vivian,
32:31yeah?
32:32Yeah?
32:33No point in me being here
32:34if I can't get on stage.
32:35There she is.
32:35Museum director,
32:36yeah?
32:37My God.
32:38What the fuck are you, bro?
32:39Some evil, bro.
32:40Look at this.
32:41Listen,
32:42I'm gonna go work on it.
32:43Hey, hey, hey,
32:43shall we take team her?
32:44What?
32:45Not like that.
32:46I mean,
32:46convince her together,
32:47like,
32:48good packing,
32:48bad packing.
32:50What would that be like?
32:51like,
32:52good cop,
32:52bad cop.
32:53But,
32:53good packing.
32:55I've got this one covered,
32:57You sure, yeah?
32:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:58In a bit.
32:59I'll be here.
33:01Sing,
33:02let me tell you about this.
33:06He didn't get it.
33:11I'm Vivian,
33:12Charlotte Tiff.
33:13Oh, yes,
33:14of course,
33:15Mr. Latiff.
33:15I wonder if I could
33:16borrow you for a moment.
33:17Oh, absolutely.
33:18Although anything borrowed
33:19has to be given back now,
33:20apparently.
33:21What can I do for you,
33:22Mr. Latiff?
33:22I was actually wondering
33:23what I might be able
33:24to do for you.
33:25There's nobody like Muslims
33:26that can get you
33:27to where you need to be.
33:28But we are on time
33:29for prayers five times a day.
33:30If you call me
33:32Zulfi,
33:33can you get me
33:33to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there.
33:35This museum means
33:35a great deal to me
33:36and I saw you had
33:37a number of protesters
33:38outside.
33:39Yes,
33:39and it thrills me
33:40to see young people
33:41engaging in a conversation
33:43about our shared
33:44heritage and culture.
33:45In fact,
33:45we invite this kind
33:46of dialogue.
33:47Is it a dialogue,
33:48though,
33:48if you don't have
33:49an ambassador of sorts
33:50to help bridge
33:50the divide between
33:51those on the inside
33:52and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Reza.
33:55Ali Reza.
33:55I'm feeling the Iran.
33:57Yes.
33:57Yeah,
33:57a bit of Farsi,
33:58my guy,
33:59come on.
33:59So we could be
34:00in that region.
34:00I, for one,
34:01would be honoured
34:02to get up there
34:03and say a few words
34:04about how global
34:06Britain truly is,
34:07both in its artefacts
34:08and its people.
34:09You know,
34:09I'm an ape,
34:10Indian.
34:10I did not.
34:11Wow.
34:12What about yourself?
34:13Where are you from?
34:13London.
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound...
34:17originally from London?
34:19But I understand
34:19your latest acquisition
34:20is from a Muslim country.
34:22Yes,
34:22but treasures
34:23like the one
34:23we're unveiling tonight
34:24don't just belong to Islam.
34:25They belong to us all.
34:27So I can go up
34:28and say a few words?
34:29I'll be very brief.
34:30No,
34:31Miss Latif.
34:32That's simply not
34:32how we do things
34:33around here.
34:34This isn't a pop-up
34:34Banksy exhibit.
34:35Besides,
34:36we already have
34:36our dear friend
34:37Raj Thakkar
34:37giving a speech.
34:38Enjoy your evening.
34:41And so I say to him,
34:42Your Majesty.
34:47And now to the more
34:49uncomfortable part
34:50of our chat.
34:51You didn't think
34:52this was going to be
34:53all softballs,
34:54did you?
34:55Raj Thakkar,
34:56your rival?
34:57I wouldn't call him that.
34:59Come on,
35:00come on,
35:00you can be honest.
35:01I can't be in the same room
35:03as Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:05Oh, sorry,
35:06Sir Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:08I just think
35:09that there's plenty of room
35:10for all of us at the top.
35:12Oh, please.
35:13A day ago,
35:14you were the only brown bloke
35:15up for the job.
35:16And now,
35:17there are two.
35:18And word on the web is
35:19he'd make a better bond.
35:21Yeah, well,
35:21I don't really pay attention
35:22to what people say about me.
35:23It's just not in my nature.
35:24You should,
35:25old chap.
35:26He's a bigger name
35:27with a bigger fan base.
35:29And I dare say
35:30he's thought of
35:31as a better actor.
35:32That's subjective.
35:34Cut the camel shit,
35:35Latif.
35:36You couldn't even convince
35:38that museum director
35:39to let you speak.
35:40How do you expect
35:41to convince the world
35:42that you can be Bond?
35:44You don't stand a chance
35:46in a horse pajamas,
35:48do you?
35:48You pussy hole.
35:50He's the good addition,
35:51you push cunt!
35:55No use being angry with me.
35:58You only have yourself to blame.
36:00I'm trying.
36:01Try harder.
36:03Do you understand?
36:07Here he is.
36:08Hey.
36:09Hey, Charlotte.
36:10Man, I haven't seen you
36:11in a minute, bro.
36:12How's it going?
36:12Yeah, when was the last
36:13time I saw you?
36:15Mango Tree premiere.
36:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:17Thank you for coming.
36:18Man, you were so good in that.
36:19Did you guys see that?
36:20Under the mango tree.
36:22So it's about this magical mango tree,
36:24this white woman eats a mango,
36:25she travels back in time
36:26to colonial India,
36:27falls in love with this Indian guy
36:29and they have this relationship
36:30over space and time
36:30that's about her.
36:32Loves timeless
36:33and crosses all sorts of boundaries.
36:36I don't know why
36:36I didn't connect more.
36:37Actually, can I?
36:38Where are you from?
36:39Yeah, yeah.
36:40Just for, yeah.
36:40Thanks a lot.
36:42You look incredible, by the way.
36:43And very, very smart
36:44getting photographed in the tugs
36:45and holding that drink.
36:46It's just here to support
36:48one of our nation's
36:49most important cultural institutions.
36:53just one thing's got people
36:54going mental, hasn't it?
36:56Yeah, people are passionate, man.
36:57It's just that the hate, though,
36:59the hate, it's a lot, right?
37:01I know you're probably
37:02probably getting a lot of that, too.
37:04Not really.
37:06Nothing to cry about.
37:07You've just got to stay grateful.
37:09People are busting their asses
37:11at dead-end jobs
37:12just to put food on the table.
37:13We live in the dream.
37:14Yeah.
37:15Yeah, we are.
37:15Yeah, hate's a small price to pay.
37:17It is.
37:17It's just some
37:18psycho sent a pig's head
37:20to my mum's house.
37:22Are you serious?
37:23Yeah.
37:23Fuckin' hell.
37:24That's actually why I'm here.
37:26I want to show them
37:27that no amount of hate
37:29is going to make me hide.
37:30And actually,
37:31if this museum
37:32can house treasures
37:33from all around the world,
37:34then this country
37:34has to take in people
37:36from all around the world.
37:36Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach.
37:38I just want to make a statement
37:40showing that this,
37:41this, too,
37:42is what British looks like.
37:43I love the passion, man.
37:45I'm so glad you said that
37:46because I heard
37:46that you're speaking later
37:47and I was thinking
37:48maybe we could tag-team it.
37:49Yeah, that's a great idea.
37:51Yeah.
37:52You've got something important to say.
37:53I want to be a part of that.
37:54Yeah.
37:55I'll tell you what,
37:55why don't I go up first
37:56and then I'll bring you up.
37:57I would love that.
37:58Thank you, my brother.
37:59Yeah, yeah.
37:59I love that, man.
38:00Of course.
38:01I really appreciate it.
38:01There you are.
38:03Hey.
38:03I know you.
38:04Oh, this is my security guy.
38:05The Muba guy.
38:06Yeah, I overheard you
38:07chatting about it earlier.
38:08I love the concept.
38:09Thank you, brother.
38:09Yeah, yeah.
38:10Are you Muslim?
38:12Help me all.
38:12A little.
38:14Yeah.
38:14Have you got a card?
38:15I'll spread the word.
38:16Nice.
38:18Yeah.
38:19Okay.
38:19I gotta go.
38:20That's my mum.
38:21You brought your mum?
38:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:23I wouldn't be here without her,
38:24so I shouldn't be here without her,
38:26you know?
38:26It's all thicker.
38:27That's me.
38:27That's me.
38:28Good to see you, man.
38:29Yeah, you too.
38:31Man.
38:33He's either the sweetest twat
38:35I've ever met
38:36or the thickest twat.
38:37You're a thick twat.
38:39What?
38:39He's a pretty guy.
38:42That's what I am to, honey.
38:43You literally told me
38:44to bring her here as security.
38:45Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't.
38:49Of course I'm hungry, man.
38:49You didn't eat a canapé.
38:50Champagne, gentleman.
38:51Just have a little canapé, bro.
38:54Have a little something to eat.
38:56Nothing here.
38:56It's halal.
38:57None of the little things,
38:58the big things.
38:58None of it.
38:58Have some halumi.
38:59Halumi.
39:00Halumi's not Israeli.
39:01That's what they want you to think.
39:02It's an Arabic.
39:03Cheers.
39:04Prove it to me.
39:04Google it.
39:05You know I don't use Google.
39:09Too kind.
39:13Good evening.
39:14In 2001, we watched in horror
39:19as Taliban fanatics laid waste
39:22to a once great nation's cultural heritage.
39:25We wept as monuments to peace
39:28were turned to rubble.
39:30But tonight, we right this wrong.
39:33After a nine-year, 15 million pound
39:36restoration project,
39:38it is my honor to present to you tonight
39:40the restored Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:56And now an extra special treat.
39:59It is with great enthusiasm
40:01that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage.
40:04The most gentleman of Vampire Hunter
40:06I've ever had the pleasure of meeting,
40:08Raj Dakar.
40:16It's an honor to be here, I mean.
40:19Wow.
40:21This museum is home to artifacts
40:24from around the globe.
40:26And so it should follow that England, too,
40:28is home to people from those same places.
40:31And tonight is a celebration,
40:33but I would like to speak with you all
40:34about my experiences as an Englishman
40:37and as a person of color.
40:40Recently, racist hate
40:44took the form
40:46of a severed pig's head
40:48delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:51It was horrific.
40:53There was blood everywhere.
40:55My mother was left traumatized.
40:57Mummy, I'm sorry.
41:00But no amount of hate will make me hide.
41:04Those driven by prejudice,
41:07they need to see us in these spaces.
41:12And because this, too,
41:14is what British looks like.
41:21Excuse me, Sir Latif.
41:23Do you have a situation?
41:24A man claiming to be your brother
41:25has been harassing
41:26and racially profiling museum guests.
41:29What?
41:33Oh, and, uh,
41:34Sir Latif wanted to say something, too.
41:36I'm about to go on, man.
41:37Sir?
41:39Otherwise, we're going to have to escort him
41:40off the premises immediately.
41:42I don't know it.
41:50I know.
41:59So, let's talk about your big moment.
42:03The speech that never was.
42:05A silky bit of spycraft from Thacker.
42:07He's clearly made for the role.
42:10Not to mention,
42:11he can get the bleeding lines out.
42:15Nine?
42:16I can do better.
42:17I can.
42:18Can you now?
42:20Let's see.
42:21I also had a pig's head
42:23sent to my mom's house.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one, dickhead.
42:31You're more frozen than me.
42:33But it's not your acting
42:35that's the problem, is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:39You don't have the balls to be bombed.
42:44You turned your back
42:46on your own fans.
42:49You turned your back
42:51on your own family.
42:55Face it.
42:56People like you
42:57are never the heroes.
42:59of the story.
43:00You'll always
43:01just be
43:02a scared
43:03little
43:04packy.
43:09Send him back
43:10where he came from!
43:15Ah!
43:16Ah!
43:18Ah!
43:20Ah!
43:21Ah!
43:22Ah!
43:24Ah!
43:24Ah!
43:25Ah!
43:26Ah!
43:26Ah!
43:26Ah!
43:27Ah!
43:28Ah!
43:31Ah!
43:34Ah!
43:38Ah!
43:39Ah!
43:40Ah!
43:41Ah!
43:42Ah!
43:42Ah!
43:48Ah!
43:50Ah!
43:51Ah!
43:52Ah!
43:54Ah!
43:55Someone or what?
43:56Oh, sorry, man.
43:58I was just running late.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume in it.
44:02Oh, well, the moon's been sighted, so.
44:06Eve Mubarak.
44:07Yeah.
44:09I know, you weirdo.
44:14Eve Mubarak, bitch.
Comments