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Best Medicine - Season 1 - Episode 11: Mind Your Own Buboes
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00:01Get out of here.
00:03Previously on Best Medicine.
00:05Are you more his parents?
00:06I'm his best friend.
00:08Why are you here?
00:09I've decided to sell a house.
00:11My house?
00:12My house. It was left of me. I'm the eldest son.
00:16I'm going viral!
00:17Is this what you're going to do with your life?
00:19What?
00:20Be a garbage person?
00:21It really makes you think, doesn't it, Doc?
00:23What am I dedicating my life to?
00:25I've loved Louisa since I was 12 years old.
00:28She's perfect.
00:28Nobody's perfect.
00:30The only mean thing that she's ever done is break up with...
00:33Maybe we could...
00:34Get together.
00:35For a real date.
00:37Martin, inhale.
00:38Exhale.
00:40Hey, Martin, buddy.
00:41Not sure if you're here yet, but if...
00:47Um, I'm gonna call you back, buddy.
00:50We were both riding the adrenaline of the moment,
00:52but I'm happy to pretend it never happened.
00:56Good night.
01:04You don't think he looks depressed?
01:07I think he looks like a dog.
01:09Whatever he's feeling can be solved by sleeping, eating, pooping, or destroying a pair of my shoes.
01:23What's got them so interested?
01:25I have no idea.
01:31It looks like you have the flu.
01:33So, you and Louisa, huh?
01:35I beg your pardon?
01:36I mean, I get why you like her.
01:38She's a ray of sunshine.
01:40But you?
01:41Here you go, babe.
01:41Thanks.
01:42So, you and Doc Martin, huh?
01:43I did not see that coming.
01:45Like at all.
01:46Uh, excuse me?
01:48So, to manage your flu symptoms, you need to hydrate and take pain relievers as needed.
01:52You know who needs pain relievers right now?
01:54Sheriff Mark!
01:55Woohoo!
01:56Come on!
01:57Up high, baby!
01:58Up high!
01:59Yes!
02:00I think it's great.
02:02Love can come at any age, you know?
02:04What?
02:05It's the flu, Mr. Collins.
02:07Any questions?
02:08Who initiated the kiss?
02:10How passionate are we talking?
02:12How did he kiss?
02:14I picture a turtle eating a piece of lotus.
02:19Oh, my God.
02:20Oh, my God.
02:21Oh, my God.
02:23Absolutely not.
02:32What's this?
02:32Ticket.
02:33Your car's parked in the red.
02:35I've parked exactly where I always have since I got here.
02:37I've turned a blind eye before, but those days are over.
02:41Mark, it's for $50. Let me just go out and move it.
02:43Sorry.
02:44Some mistakes can't be just moved back.
02:47What?
02:48What?
02:49Mark, since when do you go out giving tickets like this?
02:52Since when do you care nothing about rules and decency?
02:54Okay, I have no idea what's going on right now.
02:57Yeah, me neither.
02:58Not after what I saw in the parking lot of the hospital.
03:01Wait, what?
03:03You saw that?
03:04Yeah.
03:06It might not be a crime, but it doesn't make it right.
03:14You want me to close the door?
03:16You don't have to.
03:44What are you doing here?
03:46You don't have to flu like everyone else, do you?
03:49Nope.
03:50But, word around town though is that you and a certain adorable-
03:56Not you too.
03:57This is a nightmare.
03:59Is there privacy anywhere?
04:01In Port Wynn?
04:02Not really.
04:03So, what happened?
04:06Nothing.
04:09All right, fine.
04:11After a very long day, tending to Peter Kronk together, the natural bond people feel in a crisis boiled over.
04:20And you and Louisa kissed.
04:23Hm?
04:24Well, good for you.
04:26You've been carrying a torch for her since you laid eyes on her.
04:33What did you do wrong?
04:34Nothing.
04:35Why do you assume that I-
04:35Come on, what?
04:37Nothing.
04:37Tell me.
04:38No.
04:40Martin.
04:41I may have suggested that we pretend it never happened.
04:45Oh my God.
04:46Why?
04:48Spare us both the trouble.
04:49I-
04:51Martin.
04:52Is that how you really feel about love?
04:54Or were you just trying to blow the whole thing up to protect yourself so you wouldn't get hurt?
04:59Well, either way.
05:01Very insensitive.
05:03You're gonna have to apologize for that.
05:05ASAP.
05:08I have to go see George and Greg.
05:11Apologize, Martin.
05:16Miss Michelle.
05:17You can call me Savannah.
05:20You have fever, aches, and fatigue.
05:23Sounds like the flu.
05:24Are you sure we shouldn't be talking about that little patient?
05:27He's running on a very low frequency.
05:29No idea what that means.
05:30Well, your dog is depressed.
05:32Obviously.
05:34Well, for starters, he's not my dog.
05:37I'm with a patient.
05:38Please go now.
05:41Elaine!
05:42Open.
05:44What?
05:45Get him out of here.
05:48Buddy, come on.
05:49Come on.
05:51Okay.
05:51We have a low fever.
05:55Lymph nodes are inflamed.
05:57Okay, just FYI.
05:58Understanding animals is literally my job.
06:01Oh, yeah?
06:01And what job is that?
06:02I own a traveling petting zoo.
06:03And in my expert opinion-
06:05Oh, expert?
06:06Really?
06:06Is there a petting zoo college somewhere?
06:08It's called Nature.
06:10I'm sorry.
06:11Do you seriously not see how sad your dog is?
06:13Thank you, random zookeeper person.
06:15But I-
06:15What's coming out of your bag?
06:18You're all over me.
06:19Oh, my God.
06:20I'm crawling on my leg.
06:22I'm so gross.
06:23What the hell is going on?
06:24It's so wild.
06:27Got it.
06:29Fleas.
06:29Just as I suspected.
06:31Fleas!
06:31What the?
06:32That's it.
06:33I'm out of here.
06:33Sorry, fleas are a public health hazard.
06:36And as much as I hate to say this, which is a lot, until we can prove we're not carrying
06:40them out, no one can leave.
06:41Oh, my God.
06:41I am torching this place on Yelp.
06:46The gossip about Mark and I had finally died down, and now everybody is talking about
06:51me again.
06:52People are awful.
06:53So nosy.
06:54No boundaries at all.
06:55What did happen?
06:56Was it really just a kiss?
06:58Yes.
06:58I bet Dr. Fussy Pants has a real tiger under that suit.
07:08Well, I hope you're me.
07:16This feels excessive.
07:18No.
07:18First we saw the shower with dishwashing soap was excessive.
07:21Again, dishwashing soap kills fleas.
07:24As does putting your clothes in the dryer.
07:26It'll be done soon.
07:27How soon?
07:27Today's the deadline to turn in my audition for Juilliard.
07:30Al is recording it later.
07:31So I really need to move this along.
07:32Audition, huh?
07:33What monologue are you doing?
07:34Uh, I'm a thespian myself.
07:37That's right, yeah.
07:38You were so great as the mad scientist in the blood factory.
07:41Oh, stop, stop.
07:42Um, I'm still working on my monologue, so.
07:45Well, break a leg, as we actors say.
07:48I put the clothes in the dryer 37 minutes ago.
07:50Feel free to check if they're done.
07:52Answer the phones.
07:53Show up on time.
07:55Now I have to vacuum and do laundry.
07:57When did I become act one Cinderella?
07:59If I wrote a letter to Juilliard, do you think you could start tomorrow?
08:01All right.
08:07I can't even have a personal moment with someone without the whole town blabbing about it.
08:11I know.
08:11I'm so sorry about Greg.
08:13He really should have known better.
08:14I'm just gonna stay in here and avoid people like that.
08:16Oh my gosh.
08:17His little planes are like crazy.
08:18Would you like a spoon?
08:19No, thanks.
08:20I just don't know how everybody knows already.
08:23That is my question.
08:24Well, maybe Martin told someone.
08:26Doesn't seem like the bragging type.
08:28It definitely wasn't something to brag about.
08:30Really?
08:30Why?
08:32Never mind.
08:33I don't know why I would be interested.
08:35I just don't know how Elf.
08:37Everyone knows so fast.
08:39No?
08:41I guess I should call him.
08:43Can I have a...
08:45Oh, oh, yeah.
08:46Of course.
08:46Of course.
08:47And you sure you don't want me to get you a spoon?
08:50Okay.
08:52Hello?
08:53Did you tell someone about what happened between us?
08:55Because everybody at the Salty Breeze knows.
08:57Of course not.
08:58I would never.
08:59It was Mark.
09:00Apparently he saw us.
09:02Mark saw us?
09:04Mm-hmm.
09:05Oh, God.
09:06Oh, God.
09:07This is a disaster.
09:09Mark saw us and everybody's talking.
09:13So much for pretending it never happened, huh?
09:15Yes.
09:17So, about that.
09:19Oh, God.
09:21It's freezing in here.
09:23I'm sorry.
09:23Where are you right now?
09:25Hiding in the walk-in.
09:26So, you know, I'm super happy about how this is working out.
09:29Well, uh, a hippie infested my office with fleas.
09:34Okay.
09:36Stay warm in there.
09:37Yeah, um, good luck with the fleas.
09:42Mark.
09:49Everyone, please get on your clothes and then leave as soon as humanly possible.
09:53I'm having a strange feeling I've had this conversation before.
09:57Oh, are you like a psychic?
09:58Deja vu can be a sign of...
10:00Oh, my God.
10:01Oh, my God.
10:01Oh, my God.
10:02Oh, my God.
10:02Oh, my God.
10:02Oh, my God.
10:02Oh, my God.
10:02Oh, my God.
10:03Oh, my God.
10:16Is he texting?
10:18Is he texting?
10:19I thought he was a doctor.
10:20No one can leave.
10:21Why?
10:22What's the problem this time?
10:23Don't panic.
10:24But this woman has lesions that look like bubo's.
10:26It's LaBubu, Boomer.
10:28What the hell's a bubo?
10:30Doc, she has the plague?
10:31Oh, no!
10:37As soon as possible, thank you.
10:40If I could have everyone's attention...
10:41I can't breathe!
10:42The plague is closing my throat!
10:43It's definitely not.
10:45The health authorities are sending a biohazard team for Savannah,
10:49but they're coming from Boston, so it's gonna be a while.
10:51The plague would probably kill all the old people first, right?
10:54Ghoulish question, but brings me to my next point.
10:57This type of plague doesn't spread easily from person to person,
11:00but from fleas and infected animals.
11:02And if antibiotics are taken within the first 24 hours,
11:06outcome's very good.
11:07Kinda sounds like if that bio-whatever team doesn't get here in 24 hours,
11:10we're all screwed.
11:11Yeah, screwed isn't dead.
11:12Wait, so you're the only doctor?
11:14There isn't anybody better who, like, knows how to deal with diseases?
11:18Well, I went to medical school, so I, like, know about diseases.
11:22But yes, I'm it.
11:23But we're fine.
11:25No need to panic.
11:27I'm panicking.
11:34Doc, what are you doing?
11:36Looking for clues as to where Savannah and her flea-ridden purse have been.
11:45Damn it.
11:46What?
11:47She was at the salty breeze.
11:49Which means people over there have been exposed,
11:51and I need to get in touch with them.
11:52We don't have to change back into the little gowns, do we?
11:54Because if I'm gonna die of the plague, you're not.
11:56I'm dying with my pants on.
11:58Right.
11:58And I've always said that.
12:01Hey, guys.
12:02What'd you want to talk to me about?
12:04Well...
12:05Wait a minute.
12:06What's going on back here?
12:08Doug claims he found a baby fox and is nursing it back to health.
12:11I wish you'd take it somewhere else.
12:13It's making Brisket very anxious.
12:15I get that.
12:17It's kind of a rabbit-eared devil chihuahua.
12:21Makes me a little nervous, too.
12:24Listen, Sarah, we have a small confession to make.
12:28You cheat at poker night.
12:30You think I don't know.
12:31Oh.
12:31But not that.
12:32We're the ones showing your house.
12:34What?
12:35Your brother saw that Greg is a realtor in the area
12:38and asked us to convince you to accept his offer since we're friends.
12:43Oh, some friends you are.
12:45Did he tell you what the terms of his offer is?
12:48Sell a house out from under me and I get 20%.
12:51Thank you so much, your lordship.
12:53We thought at least if it was us, we'd look after your best interest.
12:56Yes, by kicking me out of my own house.
12:59Listen, I hate to bring it up, but your brother says you don't have much by way of retirement savings.
13:05Yeah, well, you know how it is, lobstering, you have a good year and then a bad one.
13:11So maybe you should let us show the house. There's a couple who wants to see it today.
13:15Fine, fine, fine.
13:18So, any intel on what happened between Louisa and your nephew?
13:23Yeah, she's hiding in the walk-in right now. Very upset.
13:28You are not getting the hot goss. You two are off the hot goss list.
13:33Why me? You can't do that.
13:35I should be able to stay on.
13:38Hello?
13:39And Sarah, listen. There could be a crisis at the Salty Breeze.
13:42Oh, you bet there is. Louisa is hiding in the walk-in refrigerator.
13:48When are you going to apologize to her?
13:49Never mind that. A patient here, a woman named Savannah,
13:52she was recently at the Salty Breeze and she's exhibiting plague-like symptoms.
13:56The plague? Like, bring out your dead?
13:59That plague?
14:00Take that volume all the way down. It's fine.
14:02Bubonic, yes, the very one.
14:04Wait, what's that behind you?
14:07Oh, Doug's got a baby fox, don't ask.
14:12Hold the phone closer to it?
14:13Sure.
14:14Greg, stay here, please.
14:19Look at those ears.
14:21That's a North African fennec fox.
14:23Doug, where did you get one of those?
14:25Funny story.
14:29Whoa!
14:30Whoa!
14:31Huh?
14:31Wow, what's wrong with him?
14:33For starters, his face is in a bowl of oatmeal.
14:36Now pull him out and make sure he's breathing.
14:37All right.
14:38Okay.
14:39Whoa!
14:41Hold the phone closer.
14:42Let me see his neck.
14:44Oh, good Lord.
14:45What are those?
14:46Do you promise to remain calm?
14:49Wait.
14:51This is the plague.
14:52Yep.
14:54I didn't even want to eat here today.
14:56Excuse me.
14:57Everyone listen up.
14:58What do we do?
14:59A biohazard team is coming.
15:01Until you have all been tested and the plague has been ruled out,
15:03no one should leave the Salty Breeze.
15:04Understood?
15:05But we can still take walk-ins, right?
15:15You get a sandwich!
15:17You get a sandwich!
15:19Mark, what are you doing here?
15:21Bringing people something to eat because I knew you wouldn't think about that
15:24because you don't think about people or their feelings.
15:28Mark left.
15:29Mark, we haven't had a chance to fumigate since you left.
15:32Just some vacuuming.
15:32So, congratulations.
15:34You've now potentially exposed yourself to plague-carrying fleas.
15:37Fuck.
15:38That's probably fine.
15:39Well, now you can't leave until you've been cleared by the health authorities.
15:41Good!
15:45Mark, would you like to talk?
15:47No!
15:51Yes.
15:51Yes.
15:52I would like to talk.
15:57Is there anything you'd like to say to me that actually makes sense?
16:00Nope!
16:01I got nothing to say to you, man.
16:02Okay, fine.
16:03Then you can go back out.
16:11Okay, I actually do have a couple questions.
16:15Well, this should be fun.
16:17How long has it been going on between you and Louisa?
16:20Have you been dating all this time and just laughing at me behind my back?
16:24Are you two gonna get married and have little doctor and school teacher babies?
16:28Are you hoping that I die so you guys can just dance on my grave?
16:32Mark, Mark.
16:32I assure you, Louisa and I were not and are not together.
16:36So, if we're done here, I have a plague outbreak to deal with.
16:39Yeah, but you didn't say that you won't be together, okay?
16:41Because I can just see through that little game of yours.
16:43You are not gonna sneak the future past Sheriff Mark Mila!
16:50The plague?
16:51I go into the walk-in for an hour and come out to the literal plague?
16:55Yeah, it makes you think, doesn't it, about our mortality.
16:59It makes me think about getting our affairs in order, updating our wills, double checking the DNR.
17:04Boring.
17:05Right.
17:06Who wants a shot?
17:07On the house.
17:09Oh, sure.
17:10First sign of a crisis and everyone drinks for free.
17:13Well, if we're gonna die, let's die at a party.
17:16This is my kind of plague.
17:18Free booze with my special lady.
17:21Ooh, that's what I'm talking about.
17:23Let's toast to living life to the fullest.
17:25To no regrets?
17:26To do not resuscitate.
17:28Oh, stop.
17:29The plague?
17:30Are you serious?
17:32It's a possibility, but we caught it early and we're treating it with antibiotics, so you should be okay.
17:35Wow.
17:36You know, I had my cards read recently and the reader said that something bad or not so bad could
17:41or could not happen.
17:42And now look at this.
17:43It's crazy, right?
17:44Hey, you better not be interrogating someone because I'm the one who does the interrogating.
17:47Who are you?
17:48We'll ask the questions here.
17:50Go ahead.
17:51Ask your questions.
17:53Doug, over at the Salty Breeze, has been exhibiting similar symptoms.
17:56Have you had any recent interactions with him?
17:58Doug?
17:59Doug.
18:01Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug, Doug.
18:03No.
18:04That name does not ring a bell.
18:05I don't believe you.
18:07I don't believe anyone anymore.
18:09You know, stop trusting and you start resting.
18:11Think about it.
18:11Have you been abroad lately?
18:13You know what?
18:13Actually, I did go to Morocco recently for a yoga retreat.
18:17Namaste.
18:17And that's where you got the fennec fox?
18:19What's a fennec fox?
18:22Anyway, it's probably just like a regular fox, but with bigger ears.
18:25You just said you didn't know what a fennec fox was, so how would you know that fennec foxes have
18:29big ears if you don't know what a fennec fox is?
18:32Don't you lie to me, Savannah!
18:34Okay.
18:34Thank you for your help, Mark.
18:36I'll take it from you.
18:37Okay.
18:37Hey, I think I rattled her cage pretty good.
18:40She's gonna crack soon, all right?
18:41Hey!
18:43But I'm still mad at him.
18:44Okay, thank you.
18:45I'm still mad at him.
18:46Okay, I got it.
18:46Thanks, Mark.
18:47I got it.
18:48Wow!
18:50There's some roiling tension between you two.
18:52What's going on there?
18:53Just admit you smuggled the fennec fox and sold it to Doug, so I don't have to bring back the
18:57emotionally unstable sheriff.
18:59Okay?
19:00Fine!
19:01But if you think you can make a living charging five-year-olds to ride ponies, think again.
19:05I don't think that.
19:06I don't know why anyone would think that, but the fox you trafficked-
19:09Mm-mm.
19:10I call it exotic animal re-homing.
19:12Whatever!
19:12It likely has plague-carrying fleas that multiplied and migrated to the other animals in your zoo and then spread
19:18to you and not a Doug.
19:19Look, I'm not a monster, okay?
19:20I'm just trying to find loving homes for these animals.
19:24They carry stress in their bodies just like we do.
19:27You really feel like you're holding onto a lot of stress too, my dude.
19:30And the only way to let go of stress is to open up.
19:33Well, I wouldn't open up too much unless you have a lawyer present.
19:36Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to let the town know about the mess you've made.
19:41Elaine, we need to make a PSA.
19:42A what?
19:43A public cert.
19:45A video telling the community what's going on.
19:48Okay, we'll post it to your social media.
19:50Oh, now you like my social media.
19:52Elaine, please.
19:58I regret never making time to visit my sister in Florida.
20:02Uh, you called your sister and I quote, a joyless iguana with a Chardonnay problem.
20:09I also regret trusting George to keep our conversations private.
20:14What about you, Louisa?
20:16Is there anything or anyone you'd be sad to miss out on?
20:24Really?
20:25Really?
20:26With everything that's going on, this is what you're focused on?
20:31Our school is closing, which is a huge blow to Portwyn, not to mention my career.
20:37I mean, I have no idea what's happening in my life next.
20:39Oh, oh, and we might all have a disease that killed half of medieval Europe.
20:44So, you know, sure, we can just discuss my weird kiss with the town doctor.
20:50When you say weird...
20:53Yeah, I was thinking it all.
20:55Ah!
20:58Portwyn is a fishbowl and I'm tired of being a goldfish.
21:01Are we recording?
21:02Yes.
21:03Why are you looking at the...
21:04Okay, ready?
21:05A, go.
21:08Hello.
21:10Dr. Martin Best, here in Portwyn, where we appear to be having an outbreak of bubonic plague.
21:19Now, there's no cause for panic, but if you're experiencing flu-like symptoms,
21:23along with painful swelling in your neck, armpits, or groin area, or unusual lesions or sores,
21:30please come see me or another healthcare provider immediately.
21:33Just because I'm stuck at the doctor's office don't get any ideas about committing any crimes.
21:38Please share this post widely, Eleniacs. You could save a life.
21:42She's saying give me a follow as if she isn't talking to, like, 12 people.
21:45Eleniacs? She's worse than the plague.
21:47Let those three die.
21:48Yeah, question.
21:50Shouldn't we consider other disease vectors like dirt?
21:54I hate the internet.
21:56Elaine!
21:58Hey! No, don't. Stay there.
22:00The plague?
22:01Hey.
22:01Are you okay?
22:02Yeah. I don't know. This is weird, but I'm fine.
22:05I, um, I-I brought you lunch.
22:08Uh-huh.
22:09Mark brought sandwiches, too.
22:10I'll take it.
22:11His were very dry.
22:12Hey, listen.
22:13So, I speed read this acting book, and it said,
22:16track the emotional beats of a monologue.
22:18So, I got to your monologue, and I started tracking the emotional beats of it.
22:20Actually, um, I, uh, I-I don't think I'm gonna get to it.
22:23What?
22:23You have to.
22:24I-I looked at it, and there's no extension.
22:26We have to do it today.
22:27Al, look around.
22:29I'm in a crisis.
22:30I can't.
22:30I was thinking we could-we could shoot through the window.
22:31Al, seriously?
22:32Just let it go, okay?
22:33No!
22:34Look, this is all you talk about, wanting to go to school in New York City, okay?
22:38Let me help.
22:39I don't want your help, okay?
22:40If you like the idea of school in New York so much, you can go.
22:47Fine.
22:48Bye.
22:48Bye!
22:49Leave the lunch!
22:53Are you guys fighting?
22:59Cheers.
23:01For a woman in a plague house, you're looking awfully pleased with yourself.
23:04Well, I'm feeling very at peace with my life.
23:07Plus, you're stuck here with me, so you can't show my house.
23:11No such luck.
23:13We have someone showing it for us.
23:14Aww.
23:15Who?
23:16Old man Collins.
23:17Damn it all.
23:19Doug!
23:21You good?
23:22Whoa.
23:23I was really out of it.
23:25Doug, I've got something really important to tell you, and it might be scary.
23:30I'm not gonna be a dad, am I?
23:32What?
23:33Oh, I don't know.
23:34You might have the plague.
23:35The bubonic plague?
23:36Mm-hmm.
23:37How did I get that?
23:38Doc said it must be some animals owned by some woman named Savannah.
23:41Oh, no.
23:43Savannah's got the plague.
23:44Where is she?
23:45Doc Martin's office, why?
23:47She needs me.
23:49Doug.
23:50Excuse me.
23:50We're not supposed to leave.
23:51Hi, Jeb.
23:53Hello?
23:54Jeb, it's Sarah.
23:56I can't talk now.
23:58I'm showing a house for Ken.
24:00You mean Greg?
24:00Yeah, Greg.
24:01Listen, could you do me a favor?
24:04Where is she?
24:06Where's Savannah?
24:07Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your roll, Chief.
24:08Doug, what are you doing?
24:09You shouldn't be running around town with a plague-infested creature.
24:12Don't you call my Savannah that.
24:14I'm talking about...
24:15Wait.
24:16You're Savannah?
24:18Have you and Savannah been intimate?
24:20That's a clinical way to put it.
24:22That's Doc.
24:23Clinical.
24:23No heart.
24:24Clock it, Marky.
24:25Period.
24:26Go on.
24:27I met her on a website for enthusiasts of unusual pets.
24:31But it only took a few encrypted texts for me to realize that she's my soulmate.
24:35That's what you said about my wife!
24:37Oh, hey, Gil.
24:38Good to see you, man.
24:39So the answer is yes.
24:41You two have been intimate.
24:42Come with me.
24:47Savannah!
24:48My love.
24:49Let's not go crazy.
24:51Are most of your painful lesions in your groin area?
24:53Oh, yeah.
24:54Do you want to see...
24:54Worth it?
24:55No, no, no.
24:55Nope.
24:56I take your word for it.
24:57Okay.
24:58Now, you might actually have a sexually transmitted infection called LGV, which has similar symptoms
25:04to the plague.
25:05Must have been that guy from Bonnaroo.
25:07Luckily, it too can be treated with a course of antibiotics.
25:10Sorry, Doug.
25:11What?
25:16Doug, your last girlfriend gave you breasts.
25:18This one gave you a disease similar to the plague.
25:20As your physician, I feel compelled to say, make better dating choices.
25:25I gotta say, the vibe at the salty breeze was way better.
25:28Elaine, we need to make another post.
25:29On it.
25:32Hello, everyone.
25:33This is Portwyn Public Safety Officer Elaine...
25:36What's not your title?
25:37...with an important update.
25:38Hey.
25:39Hi, everyone.
25:40Dr. Best here.
25:42So, the situation is evolving, and we're still waiting for the biohazard team to arrive
25:47to confirm, but at the moment, my assessment is we are not having a plague outbreak in Portwyn.
25:52But still don't commit any crimes.
25:56Doc, have you ever thought about being a hair model?
25:58Because the camera actually loves your hair.
26:00What?
26:01Loves it.
26:02Really?
26:02Hey, if it's not the plague, what do you think it is?
26:05I can't say.
26:07Confidentiality.
26:07There can't be that many diseases that have plague-like symptoms.
26:12Yikes.
26:13That looks uncomfortable.
26:25So, good news.
26:27Martin just posted another video saying that it looks like there's no plague outbreak after
26:30all, so all we have to do is just hang out here for a little bit longer, get tested just
26:34to be sure.
26:35That's great.
26:36You seem less than thrilled.
26:39I...
26:41I just feel disappointed about where my life is right now, so...
26:45Well, this may be controversial given the day that we've had, but when I'm feeling low,
26:52do you know what makes me feel better?
26:55Besides umbrellas and drinks.
26:56Okay, then I give up.
26:58Watching animal videos.
27:00Huh?
27:01Mm-hmm.
27:01Not what I was expecting.
27:03Hey, hey, hey.
27:03Otters holding paws while they float on their backs.
27:07Pudgy marmots doing goofy marmot things in the Alpine Meadows.
27:09My favorite is this wolf den in Acadia.
27:12I defy you not to be transported.
27:16This is a twist.
27:17Should we watch once?
27:18Right after that, how could we not?
27:19You know I got it queued up already.
27:21I'm serious!
27:22Okay, here we go.
27:35Okay, that is Wolf Blitzer.
27:37We love him.
27:37And this one?
27:39Oh.
27:41No, was this a bad choice?
27:43No, no, no.
27:43It's perfect.
27:45Okay.
27:45All right, well.
27:47Let's watch this the right way.
27:49Okay.
27:50Okay, so I said, that's Wolf Blitzer.
27:52Wolf Blitzer?
27:53And we don't like that one.
27:54Okay.
27:54But we love Wolf Blitzer.
27:55We love Wolf Blitzer.
28:07Sorry to intrude, but I'm sensing some inner tension.
28:10Whoa, you really are psychic.
28:11People do say that.
28:13But really, we're all just animals who think we're better at hiding our own stress than we actually are.
28:19I've barely worked on my audition.
28:21I don't know.
28:22I'm, like, too scared, I guess.
28:25Fear of failure.
28:26I get that.
28:27I hated taking tests in school.
28:29Why do you think I turned to a life of crime?
28:31You're dying.
28:32Yes, crazy animal lady.
28:34So hot.
28:35Actually, I'm more afraid of success.
28:37I mean, what if I crush this audition and Juilliard is like, holy crap, we have literally never seen anyone
28:43act so good.
28:43Then you move to New York City and you follow your dreams?
28:46Barf, so basic.
28:47Do you mind?
28:49Then I would have to leave Al behind.
28:52Is Al your boyfriend?
28:54You know, we have this idea that life has to be either or.
28:58That we can only have one good thing.
29:00But what if the universe is like, no, you can have all the good things.
29:05So I could have Al and Juilliard?
29:07Yeah.
29:07Or in my case, beat this crazy STD in the federal wildlife animal charges that I'm facing.
29:11Yeah, no fingers crossed for the both of us.
29:16I saw your video.
29:17Hey, uh, no offense, buddy, but you're not looking too good right now.
29:20Um, Doc?
29:23Lennon, you shouldn't be here.
29:25Oh, I'm growing nipples on my neck.
29:28Okay, maybe you should.
29:29Have you had intimate contact with this woman?
29:31Doug?
29:32Or both?
29:33Are you suggesting I had some kind of woo-woo three-way with those weirdos?
29:37Hell no.
29:38Rules out the STD.
29:40I got it.
29:42Well, have you visited the petting zoo, maybe?
29:44I mean, uh, I don't think so.
29:47This isn't a hard question.
29:49I might have taken my son.
29:50Isn't Glendon Jr. like 17?
29:52Fine.
29:53I went alone.
29:53Okay.
29:55I like petting the goats.
29:57Soothing.
29:58Exposure.
29:59Bubos.
30:01We might be looking at a plague outbreak after all.
30:04Yeah.
30:04I concur.
30:05Um, hey, Doc.
30:06Bad news.
30:07Biohazard team got in a fender bender and said they're gonna be delayed by a couple of hours.
30:10What?
30:10Okay, didn't you say the longer it takes those guys to get there, the more dangerous it gets?
30:13Great.
30:14Now I have to text my mom back and tell her I am gonna die.
30:16Thanks a lot.
30:16Nobody is going to die.
30:18Hey, we just need to stay calm and in control of the situation.
30:22Is that clear?
30:23Um, has anyone seen the fox?
30:26What?
30:27My mom was right.
30:28I lack the emotional maturity to own a pet.
30:30You need to find that fox.
30:32You're gonna be fine.
30:33But if you need to pet a baby goat...
30:35Oh, shut up.
30:36Doc, we got more incoming.
30:38I'm not feeling so hot.
30:40I'm like, is this the plague?
30:41My daughter's like, go find out, dummy.
30:45I just feel like ass.
30:47You know, like a general all-over assiness.
30:51Mark, text your mom at the pharmacy.
30:53Tell her we need more antibiotics, rapid flu tests, and any IV bags she may have on hand.
30:56Have her leave them out front and then go run down and get them.
30:58Got it?
30:58On it.
30:59No problem.
31:00Elaine, we need to update the public.
31:03Excuse me.
31:04Dr. Best here.
31:06Small update on the previous update.
31:09But...
31:09Not...
31:10Yes.
31:11To reiterate, please disregard my previous post.
31:14We are having an outbreak of plague here in Portland.
31:18Also, Al, if you're watching, I am sorry that I was so crabby.
31:22That was not about you.
31:23I do want to go for it, and I really need your help.
31:25Okay, bye.
31:26First, we're gonna die.
31:27Then we're not gonna die.
31:28Now we're back to dying.
31:30Make up your mind already, will you, Doc?
31:32Boo!
31:33That guy sucks.
31:34We're all symptom-free for now, so I think we should just...
31:38What?
31:39Stay calm.
31:40I'm calm.
31:41I'm calm!
31:44What is...?
31:45It's Greg's real estate phone.
31:47Hi, Greg Garrison Realty.
31:49This is Greg speaking.
31:50How may I help you find the home of your dreams?
31:54I see.
31:55Well, that is...
31:58Okay.
31:59Well, thank you very much.
32:01Who was that?
32:02The buyer's looking at Sarah's house.
32:04Jeb Collins told him the house was full of fleas with plague.
32:08I wonder why he would do that.
32:12Beats me.
32:15Oh, fine.
32:17I paid him off to badmouth it.
32:19Excuse me.
32:20If I'm gonna die of the plague, I want to do it in my own house.
32:23Nobody's pushing me out.
32:24Well, except possibly death.
32:26But, point taken.
32:28You know what I think we could all use right now?
32:31Wolf Den Video.
32:32Wolf Den Video.
32:32Oh, yes.
32:33Fire it up.
32:34Yes.
32:35Okay.
32:37Did you get the antibiotics?
32:38Yeah, I got you.
32:38Sorry, y'all.
32:40All right.
32:44Okay, everybody, listen up.
32:45We're having a lot of people come in right now not feeling well.
32:48Now, most of you probably just have the flu, but some of you might have the plague.
32:52So here's what we're gonna do.
32:54Who here is having fever, aches, and fatigue?
32:57Okay.
32:57Now, you're gonna take rapid flu tests out here in the waiting room.
33:00Now, who has swollen lymph nodes under your chin, possibly in your armpit or groin?
33:04Okay, if you have any of those, you're gonna come into the exam room.
33:07We're gonna give you antibiotics right away.
33:09Now, you are not contagious, and we will take care of you.
33:11I'm just here for nighttime gas.
33:13Noted.
33:14Let's go.
33:19Al, what are you doing here?
33:20Do you have plague symptoms?
33:22I don't care about the plague.
33:23Famous last words.
33:24I came back.
33:25I'm so sorry.
33:26Honestly, I was just afraid of my own awesomeness.
33:29I forgive you, but we have to move fast.
33:31We only have a couple hours until the deadline, all right?
33:33Did you memorize your speech?
33:34Yeah, I'm off book.
33:35Sick.
33:35I have no idea what that means.
33:37Okay.
33:38Who wants to be in a movie or a very low-budget audition video?
33:43I might be available.
33:45You're not thinking of doing this in here, are you?
33:51Why not?
33:53I'll go deal with the plague while you put on your little show.
33:59Hi.
34:00I'm Elaine Denton, and I will be performing Olga's monologue from Anton Chekhov's Three Sisters,
34:06which is a play that I have read.
34:17It almost seems as if a minute more, and we'll know why we live, and why we suffer.
34:28If only we knew.
34:31If only we knew.
34:33What difference does it make?
34:36What difference does it make?
34:40What difference does it make?
34:40If only we knew.
34:44Cut.
34:48Elaine...
34:49You're so good.
34:51Should I take my line again?
34:52No.
34:54I think we got it.
34:56Oh!
34:58Oh my gosh!
34:59Aww, what's he called you?
35:03Like kittens.
35:07Oh, look at that one.
35:10Aww.
35:11The mother-child bond, it's so primal, so deep.
35:15I mean, why would a lady wolf ever not want to have that experience?
35:18Guy wolves come and go, but the bond to your wolf baby, that's forever.
35:23I mean, not having a wolf cub.
35:26I mean, she'd probably regret that for the rest of her wolf life.
35:32What?
35:34Are you wanting a wolf cub?
35:36What? No, I... Why would you...
35:39I mean, maybe? Okay? I don't know.
35:43I'm gonna say something to you, and if I'm overstepping, tell me to buzz off.
35:47Okay.
35:47If you ever decide to have a baby on your own, I will be there for you.
35:54Cooking, babysitting, whatever you need.
35:56We'll all be there for you.
35:58Of course. All of us.
36:01Oh, yes, honey. Even when we're nosy and annoying, we're your friends.
36:08Oh, no, no, no.
36:08You guys.
36:10Oh.
36:17That took you a while.
36:18Everyone in this room needs to be tested along with a few people down the street.
36:21Understood. We've already got team members over there. We'll get a testing station set up ASAP.
36:26Coming back.
36:27First, I want you to check on my patients with lesions.
36:30Some of the ones out here might have the plague. Some of them might just have the flu.
36:33But everyone out here needs rapid tests for plague.
36:40Okay, folks. I'm headed home soon as they clear me.
36:44Oh, I gotta go sleep it up.
36:46Same. My nerves are shot.
36:47You can settle them by helping me prep for tomorrow.
36:49Sweetie, after the day I've had, I'm in bath and a nap territory.
36:54Am I crazy to say today was fun?
36:57Yes.
36:58Fun. First we're dying, then we're not dying, then we're dying, now we're not dying.
37:08Another drink, anybody?
37:10Drinks on the house.
37:11Let me call animal control real quick.
37:13Oh, hey. Thanks, Doc.
37:15You know, despite being trapped in the paradigm of Western medicine, I would have been in real trouble if I
37:20hadn't come to you.
37:21I think you are in real trouble. Your fox did give six of our townspeople the plague.
37:25Yeah, well, if I may.
37:28I think your dog is sad because he doesn't know where he stands with you.
37:31He's like, am I his dog or am I not?
37:35He's not.
37:38I don't believe you. And neither does your dog.
37:42You know, you should admit that you actually care about whoever it is that you care about.
37:47At least to yourself.
37:50Uh-huh. Well, you should pursue a therapy degree while you're in jail.
37:55Maybe I will.
37:58Anyway. Thanks, Doc.
38:02Hey, do you know any lawyers?
38:07Bye, Sheriff.
38:09Bye, Savannah.
38:20It's always like that, huh? You're not even going to apologize.
38:23Look, Mark, I understand you're upset, but I don't know what I actually did to...
38:26Am I your friend?
38:27Excuse me?
38:28Do you consider me your friend?
38:35Yes.
38:38Okay.
38:40Well, when you're friends with someone and you start having feelings for their ex, you gotta give them a heads
38:46up, Doc.
38:47It was just something that happened.
38:48I know, I know.
38:49Like a one-time heat-of-the-moment type thing, huh?
38:52It meant nothing.
38:55Ha-ha.
38:57Ha-ha.
38:59What?
39:00You kiss Louisa and you think it meant nothing?
39:05You're not just lying to me, buddy.
39:07You're lying to yourself.
39:10So...
39:12I'll see you later, okay?
39:29Thanks for meeting me.
39:30Sure.
39:31I mean, what a day.
39:34In fact, it gave me a lot to think about.
39:37About what?
39:40Um...
39:41Just...
39:50What are the odds of an exotic animal, not even from the continent, showing up in a small town and
39:58causing an outbreak of plague?
39:59Wait, wait, what?
40:00Low.
40:01Oh.
40:02Very low.
40:03Vanishingly low.
40:06And there are lots of things about life that I might not understand as well as I thought.
40:14I don't know why I sometimes say obnoxious things.
40:18Martin, you don't.
40:20Please.
40:22You know, another surprising thing about life is that sometimes other things with incredibly low odds can also happen.
40:35Nice things.
40:38Things between two people.
40:41Martin, please.
40:43I...
40:44I've been thinking, too.
40:46Hmm.
40:47And...
40:49I think this town is too small for us to date.
40:54Even if it were a good idea, which I don't think that it is.
41:00Oh.
41:00You're a great guy.
41:02Oh, no.
41:02You don't need to explain anything to me.
41:04No, I just...
41:05And we have this crazy push and pull, which is exciting and also frustrating.
41:09And I just don't think I have a bunch of time for a lot of drama right now because I
41:17want to have a baby.
41:21Oh, God, not with you.
41:22Oh.
41:24Not what I was saying.
41:25Just a...
41:27Just a...
41:29A baby.
41:30Hmm.
41:30Hmm.
41:32Hmm.
41:40I wish you luck with that.
41:42I do.
41:47Have a good night.
41:48Okay.
41:48When nobody knows
41:51The kind of fool
41:54I was
41:56Before
41:59Stepping out on my own
42:01Bringing nothing along
42:06Just turn off the lights
42:08Before
42:09I go
42:13When nobody knows
42:15When nobody knows
42:21Nobody knows
42:22Nobody knows
42:23Nobody knows
42:30Okay, Copernicus
42:31Let's go for a walk
42:33The way that I always let
42:38You down
42:40The way that I always let
42:41Cause nobody knows
42:44Nobody knows
42:50I know I've been a light to hold
42:55I learned that lesson long ago
42:58When one door opens
43:01Another's gotta close
43:05I'll go as far as I can see
43:09To make some better memories
43:12To get to where you go
43:15You gotta leave
43:19Boy
43:20You
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