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Short filmTranscript
00:01No, Dad, that's crazy.
00:03Dad, I am not driving two hours upstate to bring your centrum silver.
00:09Stop calling them your meds. You can buy them at 7-Eleven.
00:14Well, you're acting like a lunatic.
00:17Yes, you are.
00:18Fine. You know what? Goodbye.
00:27Now I feel bad.
00:30Why?
00:31Why? I just yelled at my father and called him a lunatic.
00:33That has to be wrong.
00:35My God, what if something happens to him and that's the last conversation we ever have?
00:39Then you're off the hook.
00:43Damn it.
00:44And when he left yesterday, I kissed him and I told him I loved him.
00:48If he was going to die, that would have been the day.
00:51If it happens now, I'm screwed.
00:54Call him back.
00:54No, no, it's stupid.
00:56Besides, you know what? You yell at him all the time.
00:58You have way worse karma than I know.
01:01Actually, the last thing I said to him was nice haircut, so I'm good to go.
01:24Hi, Daddy. It's me.
01:26Listen, I was a little short with you before and I'm sorry.
01:30Sorry. I love you.
01:33No, that does not mean I'm making the drive up.
01:37Because I'm saying sorry for yelling at you, not the other part.
01:41Well, too bad I'm not making the drive up, crazy man.
01:55I'll see you in five hours.
01:58My eyes are getting weary.
02:01My back is getting tight.
02:04I'm sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough Bridge tonight.
02:09But I don't care, because all I want to do
02:14Is cash my check and drive right home to you.
02:20Because maybe all my life I will be driving home to you.
02:41Okay, little tip.
02:42Next time you try to hook up surround sound,
02:44red goes in red, yellow goes in yellow.
02:49You know what?
02:49I had enough with you and your high-tech mumbo-jumbo.
02:53Can I plug it in now? Can I? Come on.
02:54No, I'm working with live wires here, man.
02:56Yeah, I want to see your skeleton.
02:57See if you get that chattering teeth thing going.
03:00Put this down.
03:03Good God, are you two still at that?
03:04It's not my fault.
03:06He hooks up the stereo like a woman.
03:10Doug, why are we even doing this?
03:11The sound on the TV is fine.
03:13Does it surround us?
03:14No.
03:16Stop embarrassing yourself.
03:20Well, that's me.
03:24Hello?
03:25Hey, Mom, what's up?
03:27Oh, my God.
03:29When did that happen?
03:30What?
03:31My great-aunt died.
03:33Oh, no.
03:33Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
03:35Excuse me.
03:36Just give us a second, you guys.
03:37Sure.
03:38Yeah.
03:39Oh, that's a shame.
03:42Yeah.
03:43Look, is the evening over?
03:45Because Deacon really didn't finish up here.
03:48A person died, okay?
03:51And you're worried about your surround sound?
03:53Well, it's just at this point, I have no sound.
03:56Come on, I care.
03:57It's just a great-aunt.
03:58It's not like a regular ant.
03:59I mean, come on.
03:59It's like wax fruit.
04:01Okay, any chance you could act appropriately here?
04:04Yeah, fine.
04:04What's appropriate?
04:05What do you want me to do?
04:05You want me to cry?
04:06You want me to shake my fist into heaven's wire?
04:11I don't know.
04:13I just think we should be doing something for them.
04:15Like what?
04:16I don't know.
04:17Make them tea or...
04:18Tea for a great-aunt?
04:19That is way over the top.
04:24Hey, sweetie.
04:25How's Kelly doing?
04:27Oh, she's all right.
04:28I mean, her great-aunt's been sick for a while, you know.
04:30Still, it's sad.
04:31Yeah, but not as sad as a regular ant.
04:34What?
04:35You guys want some tea?
04:36Yes.
04:37All right.
04:38No, thanks.
04:39We got a lot to figure out.
04:40You know, travel arrangements, who's going to stay with the kids.
04:42Can I use your phone in there?
04:43Of course.
04:44Thanks.
04:50Should we offer to stay with the kids?
04:53Who, us?
04:54Really?
04:54Yeah, why not?
04:55I mean, we are the godparents.
04:57I just thought we were done with that after we gave them the savings bond.
05:01Doug, I'm just thinking maybe we should offer.
05:03What do you think?
05:05Hey, sweetie.
05:07How you doing?
05:08Hey.
05:12I'm okay.
05:13We just have to go to Chicago tomorrow for the funeral.
05:16Did you, uh, find anybody to watch the kids yet?
05:18No, a regular sitter can't do it.
05:20We'd have to keep trying.
05:21Uh-huh.
05:24Uh, hey, crazy thought, you guys.
05:26How about we stay with the kids?
05:28Really?
05:29Yeah.
05:30Uh, I mean, it's really sweet of you, but it's just, it's a lot of stuff.
05:34You know what?
05:35We can handle it.
05:36Two of them, two of us.
05:37Right?
05:37Plus, we're bigger.
05:38Right?
05:40Sure.
05:41Why not?
05:42Okay, then.
05:43All right, great.
05:43Great.
05:43Yeah, great.
05:45So, uh, where are we at with the speakers?
05:52I gotta tell you, this is gonna be good practice for us.
05:55You know, kind of like a driving range for parenting.
05:58Buy a bucket of babies, tee them up, and see how you do, right?
06:03Huh?
06:04What's the matter?
06:06They hesitated.
06:08What?
06:08Who hesitated?
06:10Deacon and Kelly, when we offered to watch their kids.
06:13They did not.
06:14Yes, they did.
06:15They clearly did.
06:16Especially Kelly.
06:17I mean, it was so obvious that she wasn't thrilled about us doing this, Doug.
06:20Her great aunt just died.
06:22She was out of her head with grief.
06:23No, no, no.
06:24They hesitated.
06:25And not, and not because of you.
06:27Because of me.
06:28I mean, I'm not a kid person.
06:29They, they could smell it on me.
06:31I mean, everybody's always saying, oh, children are our future.
06:33And I'm like, whatever.
06:35You're gonna do fine.
06:36No, no, I'm not, Doug.
06:38I mean, one little nose wiped on my blouse, and I'm gonna be looking for some gin.
06:42Oh, my God.
06:43Oh, my God.
06:43I'm starting to get that panicky feeling, like before I fly.
06:46Let's not do this, Doug.
06:48Let's call them and cancel.
06:49Cancel?
06:50Carrie, this is not a dinner reservation.
06:52They have nobody else to watch their kids.
06:53Well, I think they should bring him to the funeral.
06:56It's good for kids to see dead people.
07:00That, that little kid in the movie saw, saw dead people all the time, and he seemed fine.
07:06He wasn't fine.
07:07He was a little freak.
07:11Now, pack.
07:16Okay, I got all our phone numbers right in here.
07:17Phone numbers, great.
07:19I labeled all the kids' food.
07:20It's in the fridge.
07:21Oh, it's in the fridge?
07:22Oh, good.
07:22Because that just saved me a wild goose chase.
07:26Are you sure you're okay doing this?
07:28Uh, okay.
07:29Yeah, I think so.
07:30I just wish your great aunt would have died sooner.
07:35I'm kidding.
07:36I'm kidding, sweetie.
07:36She's in a much better place now.
07:38I'm sorry.
07:39So, hon, we gotta go.
07:40Okay, okay.
07:41Bye, sweeties.
07:42Bye.
07:42Be good.
07:43Kirby, watch out for your brother.
07:45Okay.
07:45Miss you, little man.
07:46Miss you.
07:47Thanks again, you guys.
07:48Bye.
07:48Oh, come on.
07:48Yeah, we owe you big for this one, guys.
07:50No problem.
07:50You guys have a safe trip.
07:51Okay, we should be thanking you.
07:53All right.
07:58Well, we're on our own.
08:00Uh-huh.
08:01So far, so good.
08:03So far, so good.
08:04Well, I will see you later.
08:04Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
08:07You're leaving now?
08:08Yeah, it's one of my work Saturdays.
08:10Wasn't the uniform a dip-off for you at all?
08:13Right, right.
08:14Wait, wait, how about this?
08:15How about you stay here with the kids,
08:17and I'll go do your route, huh?
08:18Sign here, ma'am.
08:19How hard could that be?
08:21Are you relaxed?
08:22The kids are gonna love spending the day with you.
08:25Just show them your gentle, nurturing side.
08:28I have a gentle, nurturing side?
08:32I believe it's in there, yes.
08:37All right, you're gonna do fine.
08:37Okay, okay.
08:38All right.
08:39I love you.
08:39I love you.
08:39Bye, kids.
08:40Bye.
08:41All right.
08:48All right.
08:49Hi.
08:51Hi.
08:55Hey.
08:59Where's my mommy?
09:02Your mommy?
09:04Yeah, where is she?
09:07Uh, sweetie, don't you remember saying goodbye to her, or?
09:12Where is she?
09:15Where is she?
09:15Okay.
09:16Um, your mommy went to a place called Chicago because somebody died.
09:24What's died?
09:28I don't know.
09:36Honey, I'm home.
09:38I'm in the kitchen.
09:40Hey, Kirby.
09:42Hi.
09:43The curb man.
09:44Curbside check-in.
09:47Uh-oh.
09:49Uh-oh.
09:49Here comes the Heffernan headlock.
09:51Oh, that's right.
09:52Oh, no.
09:52Off the top rope.
09:53He's in trouble now.
09:55Uh-oh.
09:55Oh, boy.
09:56If he's gonna lose his W, W, F belt, it's gonna happen.
10:00How do you feel?
10:01I have to pee.
10:06Okay, okay.
10:10Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:13So, no one's missing, and you're not drunk?
10:16I'm guessing things went pretty well today.
10:18I gotta tell you, honey, I rock at this.
10:21I actually took them both for a walk, had this guy in the snuggly, little legs going freaking
10:26adorable, came back here, watched Elmo-palooza three times in a row, and fielded some very
10:32tough questions about Bert and Ernie's relationship.
10:36Hey, sweetie, wash your hands.
10:38With soap.
10:40Huh?
10:41Huh?
10:41Did you see this?
10:42It looks like somebody got hit by the mommy truck.
10:44No, I guess I always had it in me.
10:46Who knew?
10:47Come on, baby, dinner.
10:48I can't believe with all this going on, you made dinner.
10:50Yep.
10:51Hamburgers, macaroni and cheese, and fish sticks.
10:53Good God, it's Christmas morning.
10:59Here, honey, I'll cut this in half for you, okay?
11:04Hey, look at this, is this a family or what?
11:08I mean, not exactly the way I pictured it, but still.
11:24Okay.
11:24Baby's tucked in and Kirby's asleep.
11:27And P.S.
11:28I'm pretty damn good with shadow puppets.
11:30I mean, he was terrified at first, but I got him back.
11:36Whoa, what's going on here?
11:37What?
11:38This is where we're sleeping.
11:40Don't Deacon and Kelly have a king-size bed in there?
11:42Yes, they do, and we have this.
11:49Silly posture, Pete.
11:53Dude, they're off of their bed.
11:56Make me.
11:59Come on, I'm not going to make you.
12:00I feel very uncomfortable in here.
12:02Relax, we're celebrating.
12:04What are we celebrating?
12:05That you're not going to be the sucky mom we always thought.
12:08Okay, but only because you already messed up the bedding.
12:12All right.
12:14Oh, look at this.
12:15Dimmer switch, huh?
12:17Oh, we are styling.
12:25Hey, stop it.
12:26You're making me nauseous.
12:28There's no music.
12:36Oh, yeah.
12:39I am mellow.
12:42All right, come on.
12:43Turn down the music.
12:43You're going to wake the kids.
12:44Yes.
12:49So you, uh, proud of your big day?
12:53Yeah, a little.
12:55Well, you should be.
12:58And you were so great with those kids today.
13:01And when I came home and I saw you holding major, I don't know.
13:06I guess I like the way you look with a baby attached to you.
13:12I mean, not literally attached to you.
13:15That would be gross.
13:19I like the way you look, too.
13:21I love you.
13:23I love you, too.
13:28And go!
13:34Wow, the lighting really helped.
13:39what was that i don't know was someone just in the doorway i don't i don't know
13:49hey how's it going
13:54what happened did kirby see us having sex possibly what does that mean we didn't get into a long
14:01discussion well what did you say to him i said hey how's it going and what did he say back
14:08he said
14:09good oh my god how can we do this how could we have sex in our friend's bed what are
14:15we mountain
14:16people what does that mean it means it's wrong okay it means nice young couples from queens do
14:23not do it in their friend's bed with their friend's children sleeping 10 feet away from them
14:28i need to make things clean again come on what did we do that was so bad we're two married
14:35mature people engaging in the timeless dance called love
14:40doug we were on their bad doing in front of their five-year-old son and thanks to that
14:45mirror over there he also got the reverse angle first of all he's five and a half and he knows
14:51what's what i'm gonna tell deacon and kelly that's why they hesitated because they knew
14:56i'd screw up and i did why did i let you mount me ow first of all we don't know
15:04what he's gonna tell
15:05them in fact look we don't even know if he saw us right right look tomorrow morning we'll get up
15:12and
15:12we'll feel him out you know we'll see if there's even a problem at all okay okay okay all right
15:19come
15:20on let's get a good night's sleep what are you doing hey sleeping on a sofa bed is not gonna
15:28bring
15:28back that boy's innocence all right sweetie stop moving around or i'm gonna get tape
15:37stuck to your little oops i'm sorry honey i cannot get this diaper on him i've totally lost my mommy
15:45groove you talk to what's his face
15:51no not yet
15:55hey buddy what's up what's going on there hey play with your little schoolhouse here this is fun huh
16:00hey you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna take this pretty little teacher here and whoa let's go with
16:05this farmer guy right here and you tell me if you see anything that looks familiar
16:10hey man my name is farmer jones well hi i'm mary lou henner
16:19whoops i slipped well let me help you up with my pants off
16:24whoops i slipped too now we're wrestling up and down
16:27hey clary flitz you want to tone it down a notch you give it a try okay all right you
16:33finish dressing
16:34the baby okay all right you got him yes hey sweetie how you doing did you uh have any bad
16:43dreams last
16:43night like maybe a big scary polar bear on top of a ballerina anything like that
17:04hey who wants to play a game i want to play a game all right here's the game what's the
17:10worst
17:10thing you've seen in the past 24 hours hey guys we're home mommy
17:19hey you're back hi hi hi hi we caught an early flight so we could relieve you guys
17:25these little monsters treat you okay okay they were fantastic but enough about us how was the funeral you
17:31have fun
17:34not as much as you'd think yeah dad not a fan of the big d what's going on everything go
17:41all right
17:42okay yeah it's smooth sailing we um we gotta go we gotta get going yeah you don't want to stick
17:47around have some coffee oh no you know what if we're gonna tear ourselves away from these kids
17:51it's gotta be quick like a band-aid yes you know you're ripping right off it hurts but she's off
17:55in a
17:55jet yeah okay all right oh man if baloney smelled any better i'd wear it
18:15how can you just sit there and eat kirby's probably telling them what we did right now
18:20look they've been home for like two hours now if he was going to say something
18:24he would have done it already wouldn't he have huh wouldn't he have i need a pickle
18:29he might have i don't know look even if he did see us he probably forgot about it already i
18:35mean
18:35do you remember anything from when you were five no not now but he's still five you don't forget instantly
18:44oh my god that's them i know it's them i can tell by the ring it's an angry ring
19:01yes
19:03oh you know what we're not interested right now okay thank you who was it someone's selling a
19:09subscription to teen people oh why'd you say we weren't interested
19:21you know team people's number by heart
19:26i am not calling teen people i am calling deacon and kelly
19:32why are you calling them i i can't stand this i need to know if they know
19:36carrie if you want this to go away then don't pick at it yeah let me pick
19:42hey cal how you doing yeah uh we just wanted to call and see how the kids are doing because
19:47we miss
19:47them so much really okay well well then we'll see you there okay bye-bye they want to take us
20:01to
20:01dinner tonight to thank us hey there you go you don't take perverts to dinner right
20:09i know i don't see that it all worked out fine he saw us he didn't see us doesn't matter
20:15he kept
20:16his little trap shut and then this one says my shirt's dirty we need to put it in the whooshing
20:23machine see he meant to say washing machine he didn't say that though he's hilarious hilarious
20:29hey buddy you want some more of my ice cream uh you guys have been generous with your desserts but
20:33i think he's had enough oh he deserves it just for being so cute and yummy he's not so cute
20:38when
20:38he's vomiting okay hey what you doing there curb a picture of that i can carry oh isn't that sweet
20:46love him it was what they were doing last night wow uh we don't really need another picture yeah you
20:56know we got pictures up the butt you know what i'm saying yeah but not for my child he signs
21:02and
21:02numbers each one yeah hey i bet you can't do an outline on my hand i don't want to you
21:06go ahead
21:06try it do it colored in red make a little turkey out of it would you let the boy draw
21:10his picture
21:11man all right i heard drawing makes you gay
21:18it's true it happened to my friend bill okay you guys have been acting very weird since we got back
21:23what's the deal all right then the truth is um we have something to tell you and um this is
21:33difficult
21:33for us he makes things up
21:41it's true like his drawings uh for instance usually they're like the the opposite of what actually happened
21:58we're gonna take this
22:13so i'm guessing this wouldn't be appropriate to hang on our fridge i wouldn't mind you'll notice he
22:19he was very generous with me i noticed ouch
22:26so
22:50so
23:00you
23:19so
23:27You
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