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00:20I am Roy Wood Jr. in the news this week
00:25Kristi Noem goes incognito as she adapts to civilian life
00:35Jesse Waters explains to you what's his type
00:38It's the women drinking margaritas before takeoff
00:42First Lady lists all the things her husband calls Venezuela
00:46Burundi, Cabo Verde, Congo, Costa Rica, Dominican Republic
00:53Ecuador, Equatorial Guinea, Estonia, France
01:00Gambia, Georgia, Ghana, and Guatemala
01:04On Amber's team tonight she's the tech journalist
01:06Author and host of the upcoming CNN series
01:09Kara Swisher Wants to Live Forever
01:11Which will air right after my show
01:13Roy Wood Jr. wants to die in about five minutes
01:15It's Kara Swisher
01:19And on Michael's team tonight
01:22Joining us from across the pond in Britain
01:24He's a stand-up comedian and podcaster
01:26Who's also appeared on the British version
01:28Of Have I Good News For You
01:29We won't let him leave until he says
01:31Our show is the better show
01:33It's Nish Kumar
01:36Now for the biggest stories of the week
01:40Everybody watch the clip
01:41Tell me what is the story
01:43All right
01:44It's that guy
01:45Who's that man?
01:46Ooh, it's Ireland
01:47Iran
01:47It's green
01:48PSA
01:48This is any airport in America right now
01:51And that's gas
01:52Yep
01:53And that guy is fucked
01:56We're painted into a corner in Iran
01:58Also, I mean, it seems like a big story
01:59You got gas prices
02:00You got the Strait of Hormuz
02:02You got the airports
02:04You got all kinds of stuff
02:05Nish, what do you think?
02:05I'd like to start by saying
02:07That I'm here on a work visa
02:09So I just want to be incredibly clear
02:10I am going to be telling people
02:11That I'm Kash Patel's nephew
02:14Can you do the eyes
02:16Or you got to do the eyes
02:25The story is
02:26With Iran fighting back
02:27And global economic catastrophe looming
02:29It seems that President Trump
02:30Has painted himself
02:31Into a bit of a corner
02:33With this war
02:35I guess we're still calling it
02:36It's an excursion
02:37Whatever the hell you want to call it
02:39It is definitely a war
02:40We have already won
02:42Right?
02:43Or
02:43Look, here's Caroline Leavitt
02:45On Wednesday summing it up
02:46President Trump
02:47Dutters not bluff
02:47And he is prepared
02:48To unleash hell
02:49Any violence beyond this point
02:51Will be because
02:52The Iranian regime
02:53Refused to understand
02:54They have already been defeated
02:57Well, yay
02:58Doesn't that sound like a threat
03:00From, like
03:01Bane from Batman?
03:02Yeah, yeah
03:03You refuse to understand
03:05You have already been defeated
03:07Hey, hey, hey
03:08Watch that accent, Roy
03:09My culture is not your costume
03:10Okay
03:12Well, it's a little unclear
03:13On whether or not
03:14We've won the war or not
03:15But coming into this week
03:16Trump backed himself
03:17Into a corner
03:19How did he get himself
03:20Out of that corner this week?
03:21He said
03:22If you don't open
03:24The straight-off horn moves
03:25In 48 hours
03:26I'm gonna bomb
03:28The shit out of you
03:29And all your energy stuff
03:30And they were like
03:31Yeah, okay, bro
03:31And then
03:3348 hours later
03:34He was like
03:34You know what?
03:36We're gonna give it five days
03:37Yeah
03:39And then yesterday
03:40He was like
03:40You know what?
03:41We're gonna give it ten days
03:43Because negotiations
03:44Are going so well
03:45Yeah
03:45He's not negotiating
03:47With anybody
03:48You know what he should say
03:49Is have you heard about
03:49The Epstein files
03:50Or something
03:51Yeah
03:52Let's get back to those
03:54Why would that be a problem
03:56With the president posting
03:58That he's having negotiations
04:00Because it's not true
04:01Not true
04:02Double points
04:03Because it might not
04:05Have been true
04:07Iran State TV says
04:09That Trump capitulated
04:10There are no direct
04:12Or indirect talks
04:13Taking place
04:13With the Trump regime
04:15I'm not thrilled
04:17That I trust Iranian state TV
04:22More than I trust my president
04:23I believe them
04:24I don't believe him
04:25Our president insists
04:27That this deal is very real
04:29They want very much
04:31To make a deal
04:32We'd like to make a deal too
04:33If it goes well
04:34We're gonna end up
04:35With settling this
04:36Otherwise we just keep
04:38Bombing our little hearts out
04:39Now to the people
04:40In the relationship
04:41Up here on the panel
04:42Is that an effective
04:44Negotiating strategy
04:45Let's work this out
04:46Or I will blow up
04:47Our home
04:48Are we taking
04:49Relationship advice
04:50From Donald Trump
04:51Isn't being in a relationship
04:52The only thing
04:52He's worse at
04:53Than being president
04:56But yes
04:57According to the president
04:58If you don't take the deal
04:59We will blow up the table
05:00Or as Pete Hex
05:01Have put it
05:01The next day
05:02We negotiate
05:03With bombs
05:04The president has made it clear
05:05That you will not
05:06Have a nuclear weapon
05:07The war department agrees
05:09Our job is to ensure that
05:10And so we're keeping our hand
05:12On that throttle
05:13As long as it's hard
05:14As is necessary
05:15That's right
05:16As long as it's hard
05:18You keep your hand
05:19On that long and hard throttle
05:22And if that throttle's hard
05:24For more than four hours
05:25You call a doctor
05:27Whenever I see
05:28Hexer and Trump
05:29Together on TV
05:30I always think
05:31Yeah this is a declining empire
05:33And to be fair
05:35I've come from
05:35A declining empire
05:36Well to be fair
05:39You come from
05:40A fully declined empire
05:41And let me tell you
05:43Lean into the decline
05:45Baby
05:46Let it all hang out
05:48Well we don't know for sure
05:50Who's negotiating
05:51On the Iranian side
05:53Here's who's involved
05:54In the deal
05:55On our side
05:56JD is involved
05:58And Marco's involved
05:59And Jared Kushner's involved
06:02Very smart guy
06:03And Steve Whitcoff
06:05Smart guy
06:06Is involved
06:07And I'm involved
06:08I'm involved
06:09I'm going to be so big
06:11I don't want to talk about
06:12I'm the president
06:13Of the United States
06:15Tom
06:16Did it seem like
06:17He was surprised
06:17That he was involved
06:19Just received the news
06:21Out of that cast
06:22Of characters
06:23In Trump's cabinet
06:23Who does the Iranian government
06:25Want to talk with
06:27The most
06:27Vance
06:28I don't think anyone
06:29Has ever wanted
06:30To talk to J.D. Vance
06:31And I would include
06:33His wife and children
06:34In that list
06:34Here's the answer
06:36We're hearing from sources
06:37At CNN
06:37Who told my colleague
06:38Kylie Atwood
06:39That Iran has actually
06:40Expressed a preference
06:42For engaging in talks
06:43With the vice president
06:44J.D. Vance
06:45One of the sources
06:46Told us that
06:47The perception is that
06:48Vance would be intent
06:49On wrapping up the conflict
06:51More so than the other officials
06:53Also J.D. Vance
06:54Is the most likely
06:55To become the new
06:56American Ayatollah
06:57So it does make some sense
06:59You know for a fact
07:01That they insist
07:02On having J.D. Vance
07:04Because they want
07:05To see if his head
07:06Is really that size
07:10They're going to be like
07:11Hey welcome
07:11Try this hat on
07:15A little snug right
07:18He's a one man argument
07:19Against the concept
07:20Of white supremacy
07:23Now our administration
07:25Is saying that
07:26The war is starting
07:27To ramp down
07:27They said that
07:28The Iranian excursion
07:29Is almost over
07:30Question though
07:32What signs
07:33Are happening right now
07:34That might indicate
07:35That we're still at war
07:37Bombs
07:38Bombs
07:40What comes after the bombs
07:41Didn't they send
07:42Another 10,000 troops
07:43Troops
07:44Points right there
07:45Yes
07:45The Wall Street Journal
07:47Reports that
07:47The Pentagon is weighing
07:48Sending another
07:4910,000 U.S. ground troops
07:52To the Middle East
07:52That's according to
07:54Department of Defense officials
07:55With knowledge
07:56Of the planning
07:56Yeah because we won
07:58We're going to have
07:58The ticker tape parade
08:00With all those troops
08:02In the middle of Tehran
08:03And they're all going to be
08:03Greeting us like liberators
08:05Our president has sent the troops
08:07But surely
08:08He has a good reason
08:09For sending the troops
08:10He knows more about
08:11The conflict
08:12Than anyone
08:13Anyone
08:13How does our president
08:15Get his daily updates
08:17About what is happening
08:19In Iran
08:20So he has folded up
08:22A cootie catcher
08:23And then when you come in
08:26He asks you
08:27Your favorite color
08:28And then number
08:29And then he flips
08:31That open
08:32And that will tell him
08:33What has happened
08:35Military officials
08:37Make Trump
08:37A video update
08:38That shows the biggest
08:39Most successful strikes
08:41Which typically runs
08:43For about two minutes
08:44And mostly shows clips
08:46Of stuff blowing up
08:48I'm actually surprised
08:50He can pay attention
08:50For two minutes
08:52I know
08:53I had the under
08:53On that mug
08:55Two minutes
08:56That's pretty great
08:57He's 100%
08:58Watching that on the toilet
08:59I'm sorry to tell you
09:00There is no way
09:02That man is not
09:02Watching that
09:03He's getting a video
09:04Compilation
09:04Of a war
09:05That has the potential
09:07To reshape
09:07The entire world
09:09That lasts shorter
09:10Than the top ten
09:11Highlights
09:12On SportsCenter
09:14But once again
09:15From a visa perspective
09:16I think that is
09:17Very smart
09:18And it frees him up
09:19To think about
09:19Other things in the day
09:20So on Thursday
09:22The president said
09:23Iran is still begging
09:25To make a deal
09:27They are begging
09:28To make a deal
09:29Not me
09:29They're begging
09:30To make a deal
09:31The Iranian regime
09:32Is now admitting
09:33To itself
09:34That they have been
09:36Decisively defeated
09:37They're saying
09:38To people
09:39This is a disaster
09:41Let's get back
09:42To the whole war thing
09:43Now in the midst
09:43Of all of this
09:44Back and forth
09:44Of whether or not
09:45We're winning the war
09:46Losing the war
09:46Whether or not
09:47There is a war
09:48Iran has found
09:49A new weapon
09:50To fight back
09:52Against America
09:52And Trump specifically
09:54Question
09:55What is Iran's
09:57New weapon
09:57Against Trump
09:58Oh videos
09:58Those crazy videos
10:00Those crazy AI videos
10:02Hey Taram
10:02You are fired
10:03You are familiar
10:04With this sentence
10:05Thank you for your
10:06Attention to this matter
10:10Thank you for your
10:11Attention to this matter
10:12Do you think Trump
10:14Just think that was
10:15Mom Donnie
10:15From New York City
10:18Here's another
10:19Iranian video
10:20Trolling Trump
10:35And they did it using
10:37His favourite toy
10:38Lego
10:39Lean into the decline
10:43Join us
10:45In the expired military
10:47Palace pile
10:49Yeah this week's
10:50Golden slot bucket
10:51For biggest mess
10:51At home
10:52Goes to America's
10:54Airports
10:54Americans suffer
10:55Hours long wait times
10:57At some of the
10:57Nation's largest airports
10:58Sneaking around
11:00Three different floors
11:01Probably about a
11:02Quarter of a mile
11:03From the main
11:04Checkpoint area
11:05The line continues
11:06To go
11:11What is the problem
11:13With the airports
11:14Right now
11:15They aren't paying TSA
11:16So then TSA workers
11:17Aren't showing up
11:18Or they quit
11:19The TSA has been
11:20On the verge
11:20Of a total meltdown
11:21For over a month
11:22Thanks to
11:23Congressional failure
11:24To pass DHS funding
11:26But in the wee hours
11:27Of Friday morning
11:28The Senate approved
11:29Funding for most
11:31Of DHS
11:31The Senate wakes up
11:33Friday morning
11:33They go
11:34We're going to pay TSA
11:35We're not going to
11:36Give more money to ICE
11:37House has to just
11:38Do the same thing
11:39Everybody gets paid
11:40How do you think
11:41The House voted
11:42They didn't
11:43And then went on vacation
11:44Oh sure
11:45New legislature
11:46Who dis
11:49Double points
11:51The Republicans said
11:53Not in this house
11:54Breaking news
11:55In the fight to fund
11:56The Department of Homeland Security
11:57Just last hour
11:58Republican House Speaker
11:59Mike Johnson
12:00Railed against the bill
12:02That unanimously passed
12:03In the Republican led
12:04Senate overnight
12:05One of Mike Johnson's
12:07Issues with the funding package
12:08Was that it didn't include
12:09Funding for ICE
12:10Who mind you
12:11Is already flush with cash
12:13Thanks to last year's
12:14Big beautiful bill
12:15Here's Johnson
12:16The Republicans are not
12:17Going to be a party
12:18To this
12:19They have taken hostage
12:20The funding processes
12:22Of government
12:22So that they can impose
12:23Their radical agenda
12:24On the American people
12:25When we can't have
12:26Any part of it
12:27Yes the radical agenda
12:28Of paying TSA workers
12:30You know
12:31He's going to make
12:32A great contestant
12:34On Dancing with the Stars
12:37Now meanwhile
12:38While the airports
12:38Are in trouble this week
12:39The acting head of TSA
12:40They told Congress
12:41That airline passengers
12:42Are seeing quote
12:43The highest wait times
12:45In history
12:46With over 480 TSA officers
12:48Having quit
12:49Since the shutdown began
12:51But thankfully
12:52One man is ready
12:53To meet the challenge
12:54Who is Trump counting on
12:56To restore order
12:58To America's airports
13:00He man
13:03Mark Wayne Mullen
13:05You got to say it
13:06Oklahoma Texas
13:06Oh I got it
13:07Mark Wayne Mullen
13:09Point
13:11Yes Trump is counting
13:13On newly confirmed
13:13Secretary of the DHS
13:15And the only beaver
13:17Who wasn't in hoppers
13:18Mark Wayne Mullen
13:20Secretary Mullen
13:21Is the former senator
13:23From Oklahoma
13:24And at his swearing in
13:25Ceremony this week
13:26Even Trump was surprised
13:28By some of his qualifications
13:29He's the only Native American
13:31I didn't know that
13:32Huh
13:33Let me look at you
13:34I think it's alright
13:37He's uh
13:38He's got the
13:39He's got great quality
13:40I can tell you
13:41I didn't know that
13:42Native American
13:43Wait a minute
13:47At his swearing in ceremony
13:48Mark Wayne Mullen
13:49Wasted no time
13:50And he took a moment
13:51To discuss meeting
13:52With unpaid DHS workers
13:54They're working for free
13:56Because of political politics
13:58That's all I need to know
13:59Political politics
14:00Political politics
14:01That's the worst kind of politics
14:03On Friday
14:04Trump signed an order
14:06For Mark Wayne
14:06To start emergency payment
14:08For TSA workers
14:09By next week
14:10How else
14:12Has the administration
14:13Been helping
14:14Those struggling airport workers
14:16Through this crisis
14:17Ice
14:18Ice
14:18Ice
14:19Yeah you got all you got
14:20Ice right there
14:20Helping out
14:21Doing everything
14:21Triple points
14:22Yes
14:22The White House
14:24Offered the same solution
14:25They have for every problem
14:26In this country
14:27They put a little ice on it
14:29Other airports
14:30Across the country
14:31Are seeing big changes
14:33As ice is deployed
14:34To assist the TSA
14:36I saw ice person
14:37And it was a black woman
14:40No
14:40Yes I did
14:42I saw her
14:43It was a black woman
14:44I saw her
14:45Yeah
14:45I was like what?
14:46I was shocked
14:47Shocked
14:48And then I was like
14:49Well maybe ice isn't bad
14:51But then I remembered
14:53That's how they get you
14:55This is what they've been doing
14:57For the most part today
14:58Is doing the patrols
15:00Around the airport
15:02Talking and gathering
15:03Not really helping the public
15:05Question
15:05What's the big difference
15:07Between ice agents
15:08Working airport security
15:10And a TSA agent
15:12None of them are trained
15:13To do anything
15:13They're trained to beat
15:15The shit out of people
15:16And they're really good at it
15:17You guys
15:18This is the meathead
15:20Gestapo
15:21Well what's happening
15:23With ice in the airports
15:24Is actually a precursor
15:26Yes
15:26According to former
15:27White House chief strategist
15:29And Chernobyl werewolf
15:30Steve Bannon
15:33And human unmade bed
15:35According to the human
15:38Unmade bed
15:39Steve Bannon
15:40Ice is just warming up
15:43The ice agents
15:44At the airport
15:45They're trained to
15:45Wait for it
15:47Check IDs
15:48That's why it's perfect
15:49Training for the fall
15:51Of 2026
15:51Because folks
15:52We're tired of having
15:53Elections stolen
15:54A lot of Republicans
15:55Have already been threatening
15:57To send ice to polling places
15:58They've been threatening
15:59That for months
16:00And also voting
16:01Without a passport
16:02Isn't the only freedom
16:04The White House
16:04Is coming for
16:05Question
16:05What other voting right
16:07Does Trump want
16:08To get rid of
16:09Voting
16:11Yeah
16:13Right
16:13Yes
16:14But before that
16:16Voting by mail
16:17Which he does
16:18In every election
16:19Here's the president
16:20We're the only country
16:21That does mail-in voting
16:23Mail-in voting
16:24Means mail-in cheating
16:25I call it mail-in cheating
16:27Dozens of other countries
16:28Have mail-in voting
16:29And it's existed in America
16:31Since the Civil War
16:33Which I'm sure
16:35The outcome of which
16:35The president is
16:36Not that happy about either
16:40Why might his campaign
16:41Against mail-in voting
16:42Be a little
16:44Against his own
16:45Voting by mail
16:46Voting by mail
16:47At the last election
16:48He voted by mail
16:49At this election
16:49He just did it
16:50Because of the fact
16:51That I'm president
16:52Of the United States
16:53I did a mail-in ballot
16:54For elections
16:56That took place in Florida
16:57Because I felt
16:58I should be here
16:59Instead of being
17:00In the beautiful sunshine
17:01Taking
17:02You were in Tall Beach
17:03Sir the last few weeks
17:04That's right
17:04And I
17:04Yeah
17:05And I decided
17:06That I was going to vote
17:07By mail-in ballot
17:08Because I couldn't be there
17:10We'll be right back
17:18Welcome back
17:20It's time for the offender meter
17:22Teams have to tell us
17:23Who's the offender
17:24What they did
17:24And who they offended
17:26Let us begin
17:27Let's see your offender
17:28Who is that offender
17:30It's a white man
17:31Wearing black lady glasses
17:34He's such a fucking loser
17:37No matter what he does
17:39And I say this
17:40As a proud member
17:41Of the LC
17:41The loser community
17:42That all the money
17:44In the world
17:44Cannot stop you
17:45From looking like
17:46Someone is about
17:46To put you in a bin
17:47But those glasses
17:49Like do something
17:51Right
17:51They record something
17:53Yeah they do
17:53They're meta glasses
17:54Yeah
17:55Knowing that bloke
17:56It definitely
17:56Makes whoever
17:57You're talking to
17:58Immediately naked
17:59There's no way
18:00But he has not
18:01Got that technology
18:02Going in there
18:03All right
18:03Well let's see
18:04Who did Mark Zuckerberg
18:05Offend
18:06He offended a jury
18:07And lost a big case
18:08In California
18:09Well to start
18:10Mark Zuckerberg
18:11Offended kids
18:13Seen here
18:13Using a bunch of words
18:14You'll never understand
18:15Because you're old
18:16The thing that annoys me
18:17About all of these people
18:18Is they sort of
18:19Presented themselves
18:20As like this new
18:20Generation of rich people
18:21And we should have
18:22Known that they were bad
18:23Because they called
18:23Themselves disruptors
18:24And disruption is bad
18:26If I go to the
18:27Supermarket right now
18:28And take my penis out
18:30That's extremely
18:31It's not extremely
18:32Disruptive
18:33It's low to
18:34Average disruptive
18:37And if I do it
18:38In the freezer aisle
18:39It barely constitutes
18:40An interruption
18:40I was wondering
18:42Where that was going
18:44Yes earlier this week
18:45Verdicts came back
18:46In two cases
18:47Where plaintiffs
18:47Were suing meta
18:49In New Mexico
18:50After a six week
18:51Trial there
18:52It only took
18:53One day of deliberations
18:54Before the jury
18:55Came back with this
18:56A jury in New Mexico
18:57Has ruled that
18:58Meta is liable
19:00For misleading users
19:01And failed to protect
19:03Children from online
19:04Sex predators
19:05The social media giant
19:06Now has to cough up
19:07The speed of which
19:08I'm sorry
19:08Excuse me
19:10$375 million
19:11In civil penalties
19:13That's a method
19:14Reporter though
19:17You have to
19:18Cough up
19:19So now
19:20What did state
19:21Government officials
19:22Do
19:23To show
19:24How meta
19:25Enables predators
19:27They pretended
19:28They were a 13 year old girl
19:29And immediately
19:29Got child abusers
19:31To
19:32To be attracted to them
19:34Well you know
19:34This show is obviously
19:35A remake
19:35Of the English show
19:37And we've actually
19:37Back in England
19:38Done a remake
19:39Of To Catch a Predator
19:40Which is how we got
19:41Andrew
19:45Yes
19:46Point to Kara
19:47They used decoys
19:49In New Mexico
19:50Adult agents
19:50Created social media accounts
19:52Posing as children
19:5513 years old
19:56Former employees
19:57From Meta
19:57Did not have great things
19:58To say about their employer
19:59Ex-engineer
20:00Arturo Bahar
20:01Said
20:02Quote
20:02The product is very good
20:04At connecting people
20:05With interests
20:06And if your interest
20:07Is little girls
20:08It will be really good
20:10At connecting you
20:12With little girls
20:13So wait
20:14Trump's on Facebook?
20:17Allegedly
20:18Allegedly
20:19The trial of New Mexico
20:20Was the first body blow
20:21To Meta
20:22Another one came
20:23From California
20:24To better explain
20:25The California case
20:26Here's CNN's Casey Hunt
20:27Big text
20:28Big tobacco moment
20:29It may have just arrived
20:31A jury in California
20:32Found YouTube
20:33And Meta liable
20:34On all counts
20:35In a social media case
20:36That accused
20:37The tech giants
20:38Of intentionally
20:39Addicting a young woman
20:40And causing harm
20:42To her mental health
20:43The verdict ordered
20:44Meta and Google
20:44To pay the young woman
20:45To combine
20:46Six million dollars
20:47In damages
20:49That's a parking ticket
20:50For Mark Zuckerberg
20:51The kind of infinite
20:51Scroll technology
20:53It kind of comes
20:54From slot machines
20:55And stuff
20:55It's deliberately
20:56Addictive to children
20:57Yeah
20:57Meta also got
20:58Some other bad news
21:00This week
21:00Uh
21:01Anyone know
21:02What Meta
21:02Is essentially
21:03Getting rid of?
21:04This guy
21:05Is such a douche
21:06That he made
21:08A whole world
21:09Just so he could
21:10Have some friends
21:11And so few people
21:13Wanted to go
21:14That he's had
21:14To shut it down
21:17He's unpopular
21:18In a reality
21:19He created
21:22This man is
21:23Our Martin Luther King
21:25Martin loser king
21:30This is the way
21:31Zuckerberg
21:31Introduced Meta
21:32Imagine
21:33Put on your glasses
21:34Or headset
21:35And you're instantly
21:36In your home space
21:37Hey
21:37Are you coming?
21:39Yeah
21:39Just gotta find
21:40Something to wear
21:42You know
21:43To be fair
21:44At the time
21:44We all thought
21:45It was douchey
21:45So it's just not
21:47It's not a
21:47No one thought
21:48It would work
21:48Except for him
21:50It's amazing
21:51He's like
21:51Imagine a world
21:52In which
21:52You text someone
21:53Want to go for a beer
21:55And they reply yes
21:56Crazy I know
21:59How is our government
22:00Expected to regulate
22:01Algorithms
22:02And things that
22:03They don't completely
22:03Understand
22:04Get rid of
22:04Citizens United
22:05Because these companies
22:07Are allowed
22:09Or hollow it out
22:11Can you regulate
22:12Social media
22:12In a way
22:13That it's not addictive
22:14Can you regulate
22:15Planes
22:16Trains
22:16Automobiles
22:17This deli on the corner
22:18Has more regulations
22:19Than Facebook
22:19Or Meta
22:20And so
22:21That kind of
22:22Begs the question
22:22Yeah but the deli
22:23On the corner
22:23Serves egg salad
22:24That's true
22:26Let's see your offender
22:28Oh
22:28Who's this offender
22:30Panel
22:30He's the president
22:32Of the Mile High Club
22:32I think
22:33Is that right
22:34Yeah
22:34It's Corey Lewandowski
22:36Yes
22:36Yes
22:37Kristi Noem's
22:38Alleged friend
22:39Yeah that's
22:40Government advisor
22:41Corey Lewandowski
22:42Yes
22:43Government advisor
22:44And special friend
22:45Yeah
22:45It's two titles
22:46Go back to that picture
22:48You look like a
22:49Drunk t-ball coach
22:50Get it together
22:51You little bitches
22:53Corey Lewandowski
22:54Offended the CEO
22:56Of the GEO Group
22:57Oh right
22:58Also I'm the only guy
22:59Who apparently
23:00Bids on weird paintings
23:01At auctions
23:03The prison guy
23:04Yeah George Zoli
23:05Yes yes indeed
23:06How did Corey Lewandowski
23:07Offend Mr. Zoli
23:09This guy runs the prisons
23:11And Corey Lewandowski
23:12Asked him essentially
23:13For a bribe
23:13That's what he's alleging
23:14And he's like
23:15I only give bribes
23:16Directly to President Trump
23:17Yes George Zoli's company
23:19GEO Group
23:20Is the largest owner
23:22Of detention centers
23:23In the United States
23:24But question to the panel
23:26Does anyone want to remind people
23:28Who Corey Lewandowski is
23:29He hit on Kristi Noem
23:32And then
23:32I don't know
23:33He hit on Kristi Noem
23:34He just hit that
23:35Yeah
23:36Corey was of course
23:38An unpaid special aid
23:39To former Secretary
23:40Of Homeland Security
23:41Kristi Noem
23:41And if you're not sure
23:42What I meant by special aid
23:44Just imagine that I'm winking
23:45When I say it
23:46And when you say unpaid
23:48You should also wink
23:49When you say it
23:50Because he was making
23:50A lot of money
23:52Recently an NBC News
23:53Investigation revealed
23:54That GEO
23:55And several other companies
23:57Complained that Lewandowski
23:58Allegedly stood
24:00To personally profit
24:01From the DHS contracting process
24:04Because all the
24:05All the contracts
24:06Had to go through her
24:07Anything above $100,000
24:09Had to go to her
24:10Yeah in other words
24:11Old Corey was allegedly
24:12Asking government contractors
24:14For bribes
24:15Lewandowski told the founder
24:17Of GEO Group
24:18That he wanted to
24:25Quote
24:26Is doing a lot of work there
24:27Yes Jen Psaki
24:28Yeah
24:29Now according to sources
24:30They met with him
24:31A second time
24:32And when they still
24:33Refused to pay up
24:34Quote
24:35Lewandowski allegedly
24:36Told a senior DHS official
24:38Not to award more contracts
24:41Right
24:41To GEO Group
24:42I'm fine with GEO Group
24:43Not getting any more contracts
24:45For detention centers
24:45I like that
24:46Fuck both those motherfuckers
24:49Soliciting bribes
24:49For government contracts
24:50Is clearly illegal
24:51But don't worry
24:52According to the New York Post
24:53Corey has a plan
24:55For any possible crimes
24:57He could be accused of
24:58And charged with
24:59Question to the panel
25:00Does anyone know
25:01What Corey's plan is
25:03I'm assuming he's just
25:04Counting on a pardon
25:04Right
25:05I mean isn't that
25:05What everybody
25:06In the Trump administration
25:07Is counting on
25:07Points
25:11According to the Post sources
25:12At one point
25:13Lewandowski said
25:14Quote
25:14I do whatever the fuck I want
25:16DJT will pardon me
25:18Right
25:19I can do whatever I want
25:20I got a 79 year old friend
25:22His hands kind of rotten
25:24He's gonna save me
25:26So long as he remembers
25:27Who I am
25:29Fana why is it ironic
25:31That George Zoli
25:32Makes tens of millions
25:33Of dollars detaining immigrants
25:35Is he an immigrant?
25:37That would be the irony
25:38Is he married to an immigrant?
25:39Because it really feels like
25:40A lot of these people
25:42Really hate their wives
25:43That's not fair
25:45They hate all women
25:48Points to Michael
25:49It's because George
25:50Is an immigrant
25:52He was born in Greece
25:54And entered the U.S.
25:55Through Ellis Island
25:56When he was three years old
25:58Oh
25:58Yes
25:59This man came as an immigrant
26:00And now is shutting the door
26:02And locking up all the
26:03It'd be like if Fievel
26:04Locked up Ratatouille
26:05Like if Ratatouille
26:06Came over here
26:07And Fievel was like
26:08I don't know you bitch
26:09You cooking bitch
26:10Technically Ratatouille
26:11Could come as a skilled worker
26:13Because he's a very
26:14Very good chef
26:15This is just Stuart Little
26:16Erasure
26:17And I won't have it
26:18I won't have it
26:20Because Corey was basically
26:21An unpaid intern
26:22The federal rules state
26:24That he can only work
26:25For the department
26:26For less than 130 days
26:28So question
26:29How did Corey sidestep
26:31That rule?
26:32He snuck in
26:33But he came in behind her
26:35So to speak
26:36Yeah
26:37Cara
26:38Come on
26:39Cara
26:39Well he did
26:40This show has definitely
26:41Got way more butt stuff
26:42Than the UK
26:44CNN insists on
26:45According to sources
26:47Lewandowski was sidestepping it
26:49By quote
26:50Arriving or departing
26:51The building
26:51Alongside Miss Noam
26:53So he didn't have to
26:54Use his badge
26:55And when people took notes
26:57On meetings he was in
26:58They didn't use his name
27:00You don't use my name
27:01There's no record
27:02Of me being here
27:02It doesn't count
27:03Against my 130 day max
27:04That was the
27:05Fendimenter
27:06We'll be right back
27:18Welcome back
27:20Panel
27:21It is time
27:22For Lie Curious
27:24I'll give you
27:25Three biographical details
27:26About a public figure
27:27But only one is true
27:28You have to guess
27:29Which is the truth
27:30And which are erroneous
27:31Felonious
27:32Funky lies
27:33Let's get started
27:34Time for three facts
27:36About pop star
27:37Miley Cyrus
27:38Alright
27:39I love her
27:40That's Miley Cyrus
27:42No this is embarrassing
27:43That's Hannah Montana
27:45Our facts are
27:47She owns several plots
27:49Of land on the moon
27:50She started her own
27:51Line of chewing tobacco
27:53She has a paper phobia
27:55Team Amber
27:56Which one is the truth
27:57Owns land on the moon
27:58Is fun
27:59Yeah
28:00My eye is drawn
28:01To paper phobia
28:02Just cause it's so weird
28:04Yeah
28:04Like what even is that
28:06I don't love paper
28:07My friend has a paper phobia
28:08And it's real
28:09And every time he goes
28:11To the bathroom
28:12When we're out
28:13I take the napkin
28:14From under his drink
28:15And I crumple it up
28:16And I put it in his chair
28:17And when he comes back
28:18He sits on it
28:19And he fucking freaks out
28:23I have a follow up question
28:25I have a follow up question
28:25About his paper phobia
28:26When he goes to the bathroom
28:27Yeah
28:28If he's
28:29I believe
28:30If I may borrow
28:31Some of the local dialect
28:32Drop to deuce
28:34Nice
28:34How's he wiping up
28:35That mess?
28:36Yeah
28:36To be graphic
28:38He wipes it like this
28:44And uh
28:45And uh
28:48Miley Cyrus has a paper phobia
28:53Last year Miley opened up
28:55About her fear of paper
28:56Here's Miley telling
28:57Jimmy Kimmel
28:59About her big fear
29:00I hate paper
29:02Like I
29:02Looking at that
29:03Makes me want to vomit
29:04The real problem
29:06For me with paper
29:06Is when
29:08When people have
29:10Dry
29:11Dry hands
29:13And they touch paper
29:14And then it's Christmas
29:15And it's cold
29:15And everyone's hands are dry
29:16And they're all touching paper
29:20Let's cleanse the palate
29:21Amber
29:21How do you wipe his ass again?
29:27Time for three facts
29:28About former TV journalists
29:30And adult Bratz doll
29:31Lauren Sanchez
29:32The facts about
29:35Lauren Sanchez are
29:36She was a consultant
29:37On the Christopher Nolan
29:38Movie Dunkirk
29:39She has access
29:41To a secret Amazon
29:43Where everything is free
29:44Her engagement ring
29:46Is made of bones
29:46Team Michael
29:47Engagement ring
29:49Made of bones
29:49That sounds good
29:50Doesn't it?
29:50It sounds good
29:51It's real like
29:52Late period
29:53French aristocracy energy
29:55Maybe it was made
29:56Out of the bones
29:56Of Louis XIV
29:57We're going with
29:58Engagement ring
29:59Made of bones
29:59Team Amber
30:01She used to be
30:01A helicopter lady
30:02What?
30:03There weren't helicopters
30:05In World War II
30:05I know
30:06But she flies too
30:07She does pictures
30:08On Instagram all the time
30:09Of her boobs
30:10And flying
30:10And head things
30:13I'm a fan
30:14I'm a fan
30:15We will say
30:16She was a consultant
30:17On the movie Dunkirk
30:19Lauren Sanchez
30:21Is a helicopter pilot
30:22Who served as a consultant
30:23On Christopher Nolan's Dunkirk
30:26Lauren Sanchez
30:28Also parlayed her experience
30:29As co-host of
30:30Good Day LA
30:31Into TV reporter roles
30:33On screen
30:33In films like
30:34The Day After Tomorrow
30:35Fantastic Four
30:36White House Down
30:37Ted 2
30:38And We Bought a Zoo
30:40And as a matter of fact
30:40Here's a clip of her
30:41Doing the same
30:42In the movie Fight Club
30:43That was Police Commissioner Jacobs
30:45Who just arrived
30:46On the scene here
30:47Of a four alarm fire
30:48That broke out
30:48About an hour ago
30:49Live from the Parker
30:50Morris building
30:51Lauren Sanchez
30:52Back to you in the studio
30:53How the fuck does
30:54Lauren Sanchez
30:55Have a better acting
30:56Career than me
30:59Let's play a mini game
31:00I'll give you
31:01The famous person
31:02You tell me
31:03What they are afraid of
31:05Panel
31:06What is Barack Obama
31:08Afraid of
31:09Nothing
31:10Nothing
31:15Oh sorry
31:16Michelle
31:23Barack Obama
31:24Is afraid of
31:25Snowmen
31:27Specifically
31:28He said
31:28The snowman
31:29Decorations
31:30At the White House
31:30Freaked them out
31:31Because they had
31:32Quote
31:32A whole kind of
31:33Chucky element
31:34To them
31:36Man up man
31:37It's not like
31:38The snowmen
31:39At the White House
31:39Look all scary
31:40Let's take a look
31:41At them things
31:42Oh my god
31:45This has been
31:45Live Curious
31:46From right after the break
31:57Welcome back
31:58It is time
32:00For Missing Words
32:02Here's your headline
32:03New York jumps
32:04To number three
32:05For blank
32:06New York jumps
32:07To number three
32:08For cities
32:10Where rats
32:11Have nicer apartments
32:12Than you
32:13I read the New York
32:15Post every day
32:15It's alien abductions
32:16Yes
32:17Yes indeed
32:17New York jumps
32:19To number three
32:20For US
32:21Alien abductions
32:24In a new study
32:25Conducted by
32:26Canadian gambling
32:27Website
32:28Which is
32:28One of our
32:29Major sources
32:32Information
32:32What's happened to this country
32:33They got rid of CBS radio
32:36And now you're having to
32:36Get your news
32:37From Canadian gambling websites
32:40We're doing the best we can
32:43The state of New York
32:44The state of New York is now
32:45The state of New York is now the third most likely place to get abducted in the United States
32:49Reporting over 8300 UFO sightings since 1974 or essentially one for every 1003 residents
32:59So which state won the crown as the country's number one UFO hotspot
33:05Ohio it's a swing state it's got to be a swing state
33:09The number one state for UFO sightings is Delaware
33:14What?
33:15Yes
33:16With one sighting for every 928 residents
33:20Oh
33:21But Delaware residents aren't the only ones prone to close encounters
33:24A recent appointed Trump official once described experiencing something straight out of the X-Files
33:29Question
33:29Does anyone know who this Trump official is?
33:32Christine Ohm she looked in the mirror and was like hey what planet are you from?
33:38But it was her it was herself
33:41The Trump official is the head of FEMA's office of response and recovery
33:46Greg Phillips is a far right conspiracy theorist who once claimed on a podcast
33:50That he teleported to a waffle house
33:53Which is what happens to all of us when you drink dark liquor
33:58Here's Phillips telling the story to the Ownward podcast last year
34:02I was with my boys one time and I was telling I was going to go to a waffle house
34:08And I ended up at a waffle house like 50 miles away from where I was in Rome, Georgia
34:13I said that's not possible you just left here like I wanted to go
34:17He's drunk then
34:19They wanted me to go to a waffle house
34:23I went to a waffle house and then when I woke up I was at waffle house
34:28But that
34:29Here's your headline
34:30Florida man caught on camera allegedly trying to steal blank
34:34First base
34:37His own piss
34:38It wasn't his piss
34:40He was trying to steal someone's piss
34:42Florida man caught on camera allegedly trying to steal septic tank
34:50It was loads of people's piss
34:54Here's the story
34:55The man tried to take the septic tank by towing it with his 2013 Toyota Corolla
35:01However, he nearly got caught and drove away
35:03He returned the next day with a U-Haul and got it out
35:07There's no police code for that
35:09There is in Florida
35:12Does anyone know why another Florida man who goes by the name Palm Beach Pete
35:17Has been turning heads this month
35:19Oh no
35:20He's been turning heads
35:21I'm going to show you a picture of Palm Beach Pete
35:24You look at this picture and you tell me what he looks like
35:30Oh my god
35:32That's the unluckiest motherfucker on planet earth
35:36Yes, Palm Beach Pete is making news because he keeps getting mistaken for Jeffrey Epstein
35:43We all know Jeffrey Epstein, the popular New York financier
35:49He's not known for anything else
35:50We know him as the guy who tricked our prince
35:52Yes
35:54Here's the original video of someone spotting Pete on the highway
36:01Epstein is alive
36:03So after that TikTok goes super viral
36:06How do you think Palm Beach Pete responded?
36:09He shaved his head or put on a wig or he's a fucking idiot
36:15Or maybe he's leaning into it
36:20And he's hiring himself out for birthday parties and stuff
36:24Oh my god
36:25He's embracing the decline
36:29Whose birthday party?
36:31Fuck it
36:32They're Trumps
36:37Palm Beach Pete had a response to all the buzz
36:41Here it is
36:42I'm not Jeffrey Epstein
36:43I'm Palm Beach Pete
36:44Not a boy, yeah
36:46Okay
36:47Peace out
36:48Oh my god
36:50I will just say this
36:51Palm Beach Pete
36:52The more he makes videos
36:53The less he's making the case for himself
36:56That was missing words
36:57More after the break
37:06Welcome back
37:07It's time for Which is Higher
37:08I'll give you two unrelated numbers from the news
37:11You tell me
37:11Which is higher?
37:13Warmer weather marks the inaugural
37:16It's iconic tour
37:18Featuring TLC, Salt and Pepper
37:21And in Vogue
37:23It's a solid tour
37:25Which brings us to the question
37:27Which is higher?
37:28The number of cities that the It's Iconic tour will be doing shows in
37:32Or the number of cities that the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile will be touring this spring
37:38The Wienermobile is everywhere
37:41I agree with you, it's everywhere
37:42But I feel like all those girl groups
37:45Something's gonna happen
37:46They're gonna end that tour after three cities
37:48I want them to have 20 dates
37:51And I think I can hit all 20
37:52Because I'm fucking there
37:55The number of cities that the It's Iconic tour will be doing shows in
37:58Is 34 cities
38:00And the number of cities where you can find the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile this spring
38:06Is 23
38:08So the number of cities on the It's Iconic tour is higher
38:14Did you know, Michael, fun fact
38:16If you put TLC inside of a Wienermobile
38:18You get a chili dog
38:23That's beautiful
38:24I've been very confused by this whole segment
38:27And it's because in England
38:29We call the Wienermobile the banger wagon
38:37Sorry guys
38:39That was, I'm afraid to say
38:41Like gun control in your healthcare system
38:43That was lost in translation
38:45Believe it or not
38:46There's actually more than one of the iconic Oscar Mayer Wienermobiles
38:50There's six different vehicles that go out across the country
38:53Depending on what region of the country you're in
38:56But they all meet up once a year
38:58At a very special event
39:01Does anyone know what brings all six of them sausages together?
39:07Wiener fest
39:08Every year the six Oscar Mayer Wienermobiles get together at something called the Weenie 500
39:15An indie style 500
39:17We think race?
39:19Yeah, it's a race between all six of the big hot dog cars
39:23Last year's Weenie 500 drew more than 8 million viewers
39:27And 80,000 in-person fans
39:30Where is it this year?
39:3280,000 in-person fans
39:33And it's easy to see why
39:36Weenie 500 engines
39:40They're making the move
39:41Slow it up
39:42Making the move
39:43Up the inside
39:44And the run is in the air
39:46And the cracks
39:46And over the line
39:48It looks like it's gonna be
39:49The slow dog fire
39:51No!
39:53That was Witch's Hour
39:54We'll be right back
39:58Time for my favorite game called
40:01Who's that baby?
40:02I'll show you a famous person's picture
40:04And you tell me
40:05Boy, who that baby?
40:06That baby look just like Jimmy
40:09Aww
40:09Aww
40:11One, they were born in Chicago
40:12But grew up in Jersey
40:14They once won $100,000 in a poker tournament
40:17And they're one of two team captains
40:19Appearing each week on Have I Got News For You
40:22Oh, Michael!
40:24That baby is Michael in the world
40:26Wow
40:27Michael, you are the most gorgeous baby on Earth
40:31And yet, I'm an even more gorgeous man
40:35Michael, of course, has an illustrious career in film and television
40:39But his very first acting credit listed on his IMDB page
40:43Is an instructional film titled
40:45Cults Say No Under Pressure
40:48And some good producers saw fit to make a safety video
40:52Yes
40:52There is footage
40:56We really need great people like you in our group, John
40:59We discuss politics, too, like how to improve the world
41:02Yeah, it sure is a mess
41:04But I don't have much time to worry about that
41:07My parents are nagging me to get good grades
41:09They want me to get a good job, be a big success, you know?
41:12I'd really like to get to know you better, John
41:16A party would be fun
41:18I could use a break
41:24That was who's that baby
41:25I want to thank our guests, Carol Swisher and Mitch Kumar
41:28And of course, thank you to our team captains
41:31Amber Ruffin and Michael Ian Black
41:33Before we sign off, here are a few more stories we're watching
41:38White House debuts Newest Melania Model
41:43Department of War debuts New Oxymoron
41:49I'm Roy Wood Jr. and I'll see you in the fall for more episodes of How Not Got News For
41:53You
41:53And Ben Carson, if you out there, send us a signal
41:58Are you okay, Ben Carson?
42:00Good night
42:00Good night
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